BPD and Shame, Fear, Doubt, and Self-Hate
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- Опубліковано 28 тра 2024
- BPD and Shame Fear Doubt and Self-Hate
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
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Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:
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In this video we're going to discuss Shutting Down Shame. Shame is something many of us feel that's the result of doing or saying something we feel we shouldn't have. However, over time shaming, particularly self-shaming, can become habitual. When this occurs it eats away at your self-concept and your ability to recognize the good in yourself and others. It also leads to secondary thinking, which is the second guessing and "woulda, shoulda, coulda" after an event or interaction. This video is going to help you recognize your shame for what it is and then how to shut it down so you can grow and live a fuller life.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: www.drdfox.com/books
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
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Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
"You'll never make anyone feel bad enough to do good things." Very powerful. Hard to change that belief though, since I was raised by shame-based parenting.
Same here. Parents tend to focus on past mistakes, mistakes in general seems like they cannot think of anything positive about me
I was raised around women who over-used shame. It was the only power they felt they had a right to.
-to this day I only feel safe with men.
Ya, same
I didn’t even realize what I was feeling was shame. It had manifested into self hatred and pity and its like a black hole eating away at my personality
yea, took me til i was 37 to realize shame was my #1 obstacle. & i’m 37 now lol
I was just explaining to my partner that it feels like the angel and devil on my shoulders all the time. And when I'm left alone for too long, the devil usually wins.
Yup.
💜
LM, interesting point - not that it applies to you but my best friend has these challenges and as my grandfather would say- "an idol mind is the devils workshop. So, he has been keeping a self help or motivation book with him all the time now. I hope this insight helps.
This 9 minutes 40 seconds, has more value to me, than I could put into words.
I agree, Dr. FOX really gets BPD, maybe more than I do as someone with BPD 😅 I wish you a nice day 👋
Exactly
Perfect timing...
Dude for real!!
Yep!
Seriously, why do I feel like I’m content then question my whole existence and every emotional I ever felt.
I just found your channel. I sit and listen to you and cry. Seems like the therapist I have seen really don't like me. I've been in DBT groups and it really doesn't help. Thank you so much for doing this for us
Let’s be honest most therapists are trash. We’re lucky to have a good therapist like this one ☝️
I’m not sure if guilt and shame is my main problems tho, for me, it’s that rage explosion from 0-100 within seconds once I’m triggered. Like getting hit by an asteroid, and all I can think about is wanting to cause damage and destroy everything
I feel you 100%
I have this too.. In addition to bi-polar and ADD. It's awful.
I feel like momentarily explode say most evil wicked things worse those live most get worst 🤦♂️
You just explained the whole reason I'm even on this video... 💔
Anger is the tip of the iceberg with underlying emotions below the surface. Hope you can identify what underlying emotions are driving your anger.
AS a borderline, I get into relationships with narcissists that control me sexually or emotionally...then I self doubt & take the blame & get angry because I betrayed myself actually via gaslighting. I feel normal around non abusive people. I feel like myself. It's only when I'm exposed to emotional abuse that I feel the need to hide. Because psychological abuse is subtle, we need to make sure what's real & what is just abuse. That is an important distinction to make when dealing with ppl that are victims of narcissistic abuse.
Someone with BPD. Resist defining yourself by the diagnosis. You’re more than that.
@@DrDanielFox It has taken me a very long time to not define myself as BPD, but I finally have. I see myself as having some traits now however, I don’t call myself borderline anymore.
So true.
Isn’t any kind of abuse enough?
My favourite person 😂❤☝
It is actually like he has it himself, the depth of his understanding is phenomenal. Thank you 💛
This video helped me a lot, thank you so much. I also showed it to a 17yr old who has been self harming himself (and several "attempts") for awhile now. He believed he had to punish himself and was absolutely horrible to his body and mind. He has been 15 days without self harm and his whole outlook (so far) has changed to a more positive one. He doesn't have BPD, but I knew he needed to hear Dr Foz say, "You're never going to make anyone (including yourself) feel bad enough to do good things" This rocked him to his core and he said, "I watched the video and I didn’t realize what it (SH) was doing to me." So, thank you Dr. Fox because not only have you helped me tremendously with this channel, but you've saved a 17yr old boy who used to hate himself.
Two things. People at large think shame is the answer. They think that if you make people feel bad, that they will change the behavior. Its exhausting. I'm learning that there are more people like my abusive parents than not and it makes for a terrifying world. Two, I make the same mistakes as the people who hurt me. So I make the mental conclusion that if I shame myself, I'm somehow hurting them. I know its a delusion. But that pain was real. Thanks for making your videos!
this is spot on
My son is BPD. Affirmations are so crucial. He hates when I even compliment him. He can’t take it. And shame and self doubt are so overpowering for him.
Thank you! I can listen to your videos all day! So informative and helpful as a parent.
Shame and guilt was how I was raised. All it did was make me more rebellious. This video is amazing. Very powerful and helpful. If only I had found Dr. Fox 20-30 years ago.
Just received your workbook. Thank you so much for your skilled, caring, respectful, non-stigmatizing, therapeutic approach.
So grateful for the guidance you provide, in both your videos, and, through this fantastic workbook.
The information & insight you provide, is invaluable. I’m turning 47 in May, and have made much progress on my own, over the past 6 years or so. It feels as though I have “walked out of a fog”. I don’t know if I am one of those people who “ages out” of the extreme features/characteristic behaviours of BPD...or, if I have “burn-out” from the rollercoaster that has been my life, but, I know that despite experiencing an overall improvement, I still have some lingering issues that remind me I still have work to do.
Your videos and workbook came into my life at the perfect time, because perhaps I am better able to take in the information, and, have the clarity and motivation to put these skills into practice.
Much appreciation from Nova Scotia, Canada. 💐
What about shame AND guilt. At 5 or 6 I would see the caring nature of kind teachers. At home I would report on these characteristics and say how much I liked those teachers. My narcissistic mother, obviously hurt, would tease me regularly about this, I was often accused of being in Love. I grew to believe that it was shameful to see the good in people and guilty about making my mother so jealous and angry. It has only been by listening to Dr Fox, and others, that I have become able to see what parts we were playing in this and how I became such a distorted person. Thank you Dr Fox.
Our daughter's exboyfriend I believe has Borderline PD.
His has a long journey ahead of him but our family is here to support him 110%. The first step is getting him to talk to a therapist. I am also committed to learning all I can on helping him & to set limits as a "Mom support".
Thank you so much!!🌻
That's actually so wonderful of you. I wish someone was as attentive and helpful to me, but usually when people see my BPD face they label me as a psycho or simply "not their problem".
@@Mia199603 You are not their problem. You stated it correctly.
as someone who has been shunned from their own family but highly motivated and accepted to continue healing from my partner and his family, thank you❤ BPD is so difficult and complex. Not once have I ever forgotten how hard it is for my partner to live with me and his parents can find it difficult too (they help us with our baby) not ONCE have I heard them shame or guilt me for having BPD, as much as i guilt and shame myself for having it and them experiencing it from me. You are a godsend. I wish your daughters boyfriend true self love and peace.
Hopefully he doesn't cause permanent ptsd to everyone involved.
@@drewgrant2795 Hopefully there aren't any suicides caused by your bpd loved one.
Thank you dr. Fox. You are doing incredible work with these videos for people like myself.
I'm back again, it's been a rough one since the last time I was here but this one hits the nail on the head for me, I want to die every other day, I starved myself for 3.5 days last month and made myself sick. The biggest ones I suffer from is the ones that were mentioned in this video and rejection. I agree with you completely and yes, I will talk to my counselor that I go to for DBT about these things because I drown in shame and self hatred. I have people in my life who love me and stood by me for most of my life despite how I can be but I have convinced myself that they would be much happier without me. I see myself as a despicable human being who is less than human, and as a result, I can be very cold, paranoid,and lash out at people at times, I see myself as the orphan kitten that no one wanted. And sadly, I am well liked and have great people skills and can be very empathetic and big hearted. But this gave me some insight and something to go on, it's always a pleasure Dr.Fox and thank you
I will never be grateful enough for these videos that you release.
Another video that makes me think you know me better then I know myself. Love your work, thank you so much!
On point! Just what I needed for my husband Dr Fox. 👏 Im an avid viewer of your videos and they are so helpful & Your workbook is indeed a powerful tool! More power and thank you for your dedication. You are a blessing to us. 🙏💯
Thank you. Shame has been, and still is, a huge problem for me. I have always kind of hated the idea of affirmations. But you have convinced me to try them :)
well I've tried that "say nice things to yourself" but that doesn't work because i know it's a lie... and when i do that i get a feeling of narcissism, wich it the worst thing you can be... maybe I'm to negative for it but it sounds to me like people telling me about my depression: well have you ever tried not beeing depressed, just think positive... and that angers me a lot... now I do believe that for some people this may work, I know people that do that, but for me it doesn't work, because then i don't feel like i'm beeing realistic
Find statements you can believe. Start small and slow. I can tell you’re looking to help yourself so you care about yourself, that’s something you can use!
Thats..actually a good idea..also spot on op, exactly what i felt, hope youre doing well
This is exactly how I feel and it sucks. And yes I do try o find statements to believe like I love laughing and apps like vine tik tok I resented tik tok for a while. Then remember I love laughing and apps like that have always been like a part of me so I took the good feeling I had towards it and made it strong and it genuinely made me feel better and calm when I look af the app none of the negative energy I associated with it is there
I really think you should upload this to tiktok, there’s a large group of people that have bpd that are younger that this would resonate with
I need this right now I broke up with my boyfriend months ago and this how I feel also I wanted to get back with him but it’s too late he’s deleted everything. I can’t communicate with him anymore and I’m trying to move on but it’s so hard.
@Idk.orgO so where does the shame come in?
I just want you to know how much I appreciate what you do, I feel like most doctors I've seen don't take my diagnosis seriously and I'm just lost at sea but as corny as it sounds your a port in a storm for me. Thank you.
Hello Dr. D. Fox, this video really made me think about shame in a different way, it actually made me see it. It made me see how I have been feeling so much of it. I had been thinking, is it possible to be emotionally suicidal or have committed emotional suicide? I’m not sure why I picked that phrase, I guess because I’m not physically mentally suicidal, does that make sense? I was just wondering if anyone else ever said or felt that way before, maybe it would be a good video, but probably a highly charged one to put up. Thank you for a great video, going over with it on Wednesday with my Dr. 😊
No one mentions to when your partner uses your mental illness against you.
The person I’m with takes every situation and garbles it up to BPD. So I’m so confused on what’s the good days and next. I’m 7 months pregnancy. And he’s been unsupportive. But when I get mental. He takes me for a ride and then says I’m always like this. When there is good days. He never validated the god days when I loved and tried. And when I fall. He spits on me when I’m depressed. Then I split. Then confused. Then insult him. Then he says I shouldn’t talk to like that. But at the same rule “see your slate like this”... it’s so sick. And I don’t have any money to move out.
Start saving
Dr. Fox, could you do videos on healing after narcissistic abuse?
Its such a jumble that its difficult to know where to begin. Just can’t seem to come out of “using calculated words” and always feeling how the person will react, if i should say it this way or that. Loss of identity, inability to know self-wants, goals, need for immediate reactions out of fear, inability to process thoughts and needs in the interactive moment. ( its like autopilot of anxiety, hyper vigilance, obsessive correction of words, rumination after interactions with shoulds/coulds and suspicion/trying to know real motives of the other person’s words due to their inconsistencies and silent treatments ).
Grateful if you could consider making a video or atleast provide tips. I want help but don’t know how or what to change and begin.
your generosity is appreciated 🙏
Shared! Thanks, Dr. Fox!
Can't wait for this doc!
Looking forward to this!!
Great video. Thanks Dr. Fox
Love this thank you Dr. Fox!🖤
Just ordered the workbook so excited to get it! ❤️😎
This has been a major challenge for me. Thank you so much 😊
Very good quality talk, really helpful.
As already said, this vid was perfect timing and was explained in just the right way too. Thankyou
Thanks. Dr Fox,
I look forward to each video you make. They have helped me very much
Really helpful, and like everyone else is saying, just what I needed to hear today.
Thank you!
Thank you for making these videos. They help me slot! 😸
I think I’m going to find this very helpful, thank you.
This makes logical sense. Thank you.
dr fox, when my nervous system is so, so ridiculously accustomed to how it operates, i honestly feel as if affirmations do nothing. it’s so deeply engrained. i need help beyond affirmations. i need to continue EMDR, and explore somatic methods, or even ketamine therapy. or SOMETHING. it’s just too strong. reciting rational sentences just have me feeling more angry because i disagree with them when i’m feeling immensely triggered. i almost feel invalidated when i recite them because it’s like i’m telling myself something that i don’t believe is true. i know i’m playing a victim role & i can see that now because i don’t feel triggered. but looking back, those affirmations are just so frustrating. i wish they weren’t. i’m not trying to be difficult.
I relate-good question you pose.
Thank you so much Dr Fox; I listen to your videos regularly and I feel hope for the future and an understanding, finally, of what is happening in my mind. Thank you so much for all your videos.
Thank you for your videos. Your content is of immense value to those of us that do not have access to your incredible expertise, both because of finances and also lack of skilled providers. Thank you for your generosity.
Thank you.
Thanks so much for providing this content.
You’re welcome
And we appreciate your effort to help us, dear Dr. Fox!
My pleasure!
Thanks for everything you're doing for us dr, literally saving lives
You’re welcome ☺️
Thanks for you great informative videos
thank you Dr. Fox I'm saving this one!
Glad you liked it.
All your videos are on point and seem to line up with life issues - thank you!
I totally agree with you, I'm always looking forward to seeing Dr. Fox's new content and when I'm waiting for new content I'll watch the existing ones.
Little off-topic here but I find that when I watch a video I viewed again at a later date that I pick something up that I didn't realize the previous time.
That's why I really enjoy these videos, there's so much to learn. Dr. Fox, we appreciate you!! 💪👍
Thanks, Dr. Fox. I used to be stuck in a cycle of seeking out relationships with people who made me feel like an enabler for their misbehavior and misdeeds, when in fact I was innocent. This video helped me to see that. Thank you.
Your videos are SO so helpful. Thank you 🙏
You're so welcome!
I absolutely adore the reasoning behind the diagnosis Dr. Fox does. By far my favorite Dr.
I was diagnosed with ADD, but I feel like it might be comorbid with quiet bpd. I also saw the video of a year ago about ADHD and bpd similarities and core differences. This really made me doubt even more about potentially qualifying for diagnosis. I really wonder what my psychologist thinks about it.
Thanks Dr. Fox, you're the best.
Thank you ! 💫
Ty again Doc.
I needed this ❤️
Thanks for the video :)
I love you Doctor ❤️thank u❤️
I learn more from you each morning...than i ever could in years of therapy. Thank you again for these videos. I'm from a small rural community, and good therapy is almost non exist ant. Thank you for helping shape my thoughts and behavior, by explaining and giving great advice on coping strategies. God bless.
I’m glad it’s helpful. I wish you well.
Great video😊
Thanks as always ♥️..but, Can you please make a video about high functioning (quiet) bpd ..i watched the 4 types video you made , it was trully amazing , but really would appreciate if you make a separate video about quiet subtype ♥️♥️
It’s amazing how these four main traits talked about work together interchangeably… I can recall various occasions in the past 5 years where I have fallen prey to them for the most trivial reasons… and the embarrassment/humiliation from the shame/self-hatred can be enough to flip the switch to this other person..
Sounds like you’ve developed a good level of insight and I think that’s great. Utilizing this insight to then change it to more adaptive strategies and building more effective ways to talk to yourself and build yourself up to make those changes in your life that are so helpful. I wish you all the best
@@DrDanielFox thank you so much for your great content and support!
You are great.
Thank you very much and I bet you’re great too!
Can you link us to your second channel? Thank you so much for all you do. You've helped me understand a lot more about my disorder and how to overcome distorted thinking.
Sorry, I wasn’t able to maintain it so I’m putting all info here.
Oh okay. No worries! Thanks for the reply!
4.00am for me, bit early
How do you hit the nail on the head?? How do you KNOW? lol! why do I do that?? I do have to somehow punish myself by thinking all these horrible thought of myself, then I can allow myself to feel okay.
Story of my life.
Wish this was not labeled BPD. Toxic shame is so pervasive in social anxiety and other disorders or traumas and people will pass this right on by.
listening to this is hard
You have a challenging and complicated but extremely meaningful job. I'm trying to self educate to help my 30 yr. old son that needs help but won't get it. Thanks for your video.
Glad to help
In the mirror brushing my teeth, "My complexion looks so good I don't need foundation! Good job using the sunscreen moisturizer every day." : )
Yesterday I thought I couldn't do something, but once I said, "I can't do it!" out loud, it felt like I was lying. I know I CAN do it, I just needed a rest and to come back to it after a break and figure it out. I like it better when I say, 'I can do anything!" lol (modeled this for my 20 y.o. too.)
Can you please make a video giving advice for students ? I have dropped out of university twice because of doubt, insecurities, fear, social anxiety, anxiety and depression. But I'm giving one more try. Please tell me how to deal with this emotional instability while studying in university?
Missed chat. I feel so ashamed.
Many kinds of shame, or is it types or is it reasons for?
Woke people weaponize shame, seeking to punish those who resist them.
Edit: what about people who feel no shame when they do someone wrong?
Well, they're just psychopaths, so avoid them like the plague lol
But, seriously.. Anyone who does not (or cannot) feel a healthy sense of guilt or self recrimination when it's warranted, just stay right away from, because unfortunately, they have the capacity to really damage other human beings, because of what they lack. They are who they are, and for the most part do not have the capacity, nor the genuine desire, to change such a fundamental aspect of their personality. Stay safe. All the best.
But when people (family) put you in that place and help get answers to things that happen and forget but everyday is a reminder.
hey dr daniel fox!!! i've had horrible experiences in therapy and even psychiatry because of my bpd diagnoses. i've been trying since 16 to get help from a therapist and even ones who have bpd listed seem to hate me? i don't understand it. do you have any tips on how to find people who aren't stigmatizing? is that even possible? your videos are one of the few safe spaces i have, and your workbook has helped a lot. be well!
I have a video on that actually. Check it out 👍
Only like 20 seconds it's already SPOT-ON😟
This is very hard
Thank you very much.There is no middle ground , anyone that knows me from a teen knows I have always said there is only black and white , I do not do grey .
I have this problem, my Dad knows how to make me feel this way, maybe because he feels bad what he does, so he makes me feel bad, by making me not accepted, not pretty and old. H e dates young woman, married my brothers wife and he loves not including me making me feel bad about my self worth. Never feeling good enough.
Could you do a video on BPD and breakups? Particularly with FP’s? I feel like my safety net has been ripped away
Cloudeia, please explain what this feels like... specifically "safety net". Thanks!
I feel extreme mood swing for example I love my mom and kiss her on kisses when I feel that she did or said something for me something good and within second I feel so raged for her and think of harming her cause she just said something bad (may be about my body colour, or anything negative). And I can't control how I feel about... and it happens not only with my mother but with other members of my family...
I mostly try to hurt my self or feel worst with slight change of behavior of people. And I tend to think that no one love me or people are just using me.
I don't know if this considered as emotional abuse
But my family shamed for my colour and many times direct indirect target me for my self talk and called me that I have low IQ. And disrespect me in front of other peoples about my colour or other things that are nit in my control. Shamed me for my clothing style and basically everything about me.
I also sensually abused...
I can't ask my parents for diagnosis cause yeah they will not do but ashamed me in front of people and most probably call me mad ( thay they always anyway say)
How can I know I don't have BPD?
Can you please with making a video about how school affects people with borderline personality disorder?
School? Not sure I understand.
@@DrDanielFox like being bullied in high school.
"Say something positive whilst brushing your teeth"
Jokes on you I'm rly depressed and haven't been brushing my teeth.
In all seriousness though saying positive things to myself is something I could work on more. In a particularly bad spot atm after a prolonged psychotic episode, losing my job after a MH ward stay (Temp agency work) and losing the healthiest intimate romantic relationship I had.
shame and guilt are bff
Resist the false belief that they help you, as they likely distort how you see yourself and the world.
Anyone know what the other channel is? Maybe I missed it but I didn’t see it in the description.
As a person with BPD it's hard to say something nice about myself. I took the mirrors out of my apartment even in my bathroom because I don't like looking at myself. I always see someone ugly.
I want to encourage you to push back on this, and perhaps slowly look at yourself and find the good parts of your appearance. Self acceptance and appreciation is critical in moving forward and pushing back on that BPD lens that distorts how you see yourself, others, and your world. I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much! I'll try doing that.
Id give so much to have sessions with you especially because I live in Texas and I need help but. Im. Poor. So.
BPD tries to off-load their guilt by shaming bystanders.
Anyone know what his other channel is that he mentioned?
U mentioned another channel focusing more on personality disorders but i cant find it.
Well I just quit brushing my teeth 😂
Specifically, as I age towards my sixties, the more I get positive interpersonal responses from other people the more my self-hate grows. Seems like I am stuck and cannot match my better-getting outsides with my slowly deteriorating insides. Have you addressed this phenomenon in any of your videos? Otherwise, I'm FINE! 🤣🙄😍
I don't deserve compliments though
I think some shame becomes part of a downward spiral.
Absolutely
I don't know but the song from Nier: Automata's ending just... resonated here:
ua-cam.com/video/Egn_VNVKzI4/v-deo.html
If all else fails, throw on some hip hop music that uplifts and makes u feel like a bad bitch. Lol...hahaha that's usually my go to.
That's funny, but I bet it works. Who's your go to?
@@rdaniel4574 lately it's been yelawolf. His newest album. I like music with a feel good beat and catchy lyrics.
And when im having sensory overload, country music helps. Idk why....but its a pretty powerful tool to calm my anxiety.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you quite well on your journey. I have studied neuroscience for years and would not mind sharing my clinical research if your ever interested.