Most Badass Accidental Comebacks Ever Said!!!
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2 friends and I were chatting at work. It was my parents' anniversary and I was telling them about all the times I'd had to remind my dad about their anniversary or my mom's birthday. Friend (Mike) says "I'm actually really good at remembering important dates." To which the other friend replied, "What's my birthday Mike?" Silence.
Mike: Like I said IMPORTANT dates 😂
@@utubesux09 LOL 🤣😂
If I was Mike I would have said, "important dates".
"I said important dates."
"Sometimes DONE is good feature."
I can't remember when I first heard this. This is what I think whenever I DO finish something.
Your grammar reminds me of Heavy TF2
"Fastest runner, go now." That about killed me 💀
Skull emoji
😂😂
That's still badass
I think about the spartan runner who ran a marathon or something and died after telling the general that they were about to be attacked
i was wearing a deadpool shirt with the text 'insult loading 97%' and one of my mentors told me jockingly to insult them. i blurted out 'nah, you are not worth it'. we all laughed loudly
Was at a summer camp and the bus driver often rolled stop signs, but one day he fully stopped. "Since when do we stop for stop signs?" I asked. Whole bus erupts in laughter, even the other counselors.
I was in sixth grade and already had a bunch of bullies up my ass. I wasn't exactly the most mature kid, being sheltered and naive, so I thought I could still be friends with everyone like in elementary school. After a while of facing the harsh reality that kids are jerks, a girl on my bus said something that really pissed me off. I was sitting next to my crush, in fact he was the only one who was willing to sit next to me so that's part of why I liked him, and the girl and her friend next to us noticed us talking and laughed. She did the ____ and ____ sitting in a tree rhyme and I glared at her and said, "I wasn't aware we were still in kindergarten." She hated me since.
Are you guys still friends I hope you're still friends I will freaking die if y'all aren't still friends.
my friends and I went bowling and I wound up saying "alright, Ima bout to show yall how it's done" having no real confidence as my bowling skills are ... inconsistent to say the least, but wound up landing a strike
GIGACHAD OVER HERE Y'ALL
I was bullied in elementary school. One time after school, while waiting for the bus, the main bully (he was known to be a tough guy and frequently in fights) was teasing me and threatening to beat me up. He had a bottle in his hand. So when I got fed up, I simply kicked the bottle out of his hand. I don't know how, but it flew like 30 feet in the air, shattering about 3 feet beside us on the pavement. He was completely dumbstruck, and everybody was looking at us. I got on the bus after that, and he didn't bother me again.
A kid in my class had been picking on me for months calling me stupid, worthless, etc. One day he started saying to me "put your d**k away and I just started to ignore him. One day he came up to me and said the usual "put your d**k away and me having a bad day wasn't having it and the words spilled out of my mouth and I said "at least you can actually see mine" without thinking about it. Everyone listening to the conversation started laughing and he didn't pick on me as much after that.
I used to work at a well known gaming store, and we didn't have a public restroom. Had a guest walk in asking for a bathroom, and I let him know we that we unfortunately didn't have a public restroom but that the fast food joint next door did. In an angry and snarky tone asks, "So where do you go?" Confused my assistant manager asked what he meant. The again in the same tone, "So where do you guys go?" Without thinking and before my assistant manager could get another word in, I reply, "I have a catheter." My assistant manager had to walk into the back to keep from laughing while the guy walked out more confused than angry.
Lol! 🤣😂🤣😂 I really hope I find an opportunity to use this...
(Not your catheter, but your joke... Haha!)
The insults directed at the old Karen in Story #19 had me absolutely crying with laughter! 😂
I was at school one day, and I was in the cafeteria, looking for a table to sit. I was exhausted, and I hadn't slept at all the night before. Apparently, I was walking too slow for this one kid's taste, and he goes, "Do you know how to walk?" I turn around and go "Do you know how to shut the f*ck up?"
Immediate goosebumps after I said that, as I'm usually a very non-confrontational kid. The kid backed down and said something like "Nah I'm just joking with you" and scurried off. He was kind of a dick in other regards as well, so I don't feel bad about saying that now, but I sure did at the time.
The most recent thing was We were driving home from work and the fellow in the truck in front of us had "Duck Master" plastered on the rear windshield.
This person started swerving and then driving half of the speed limit my friend next to me said "what's up with this guy?" And I said oh he's just playing with his duck.. which was met with peals of laughter.
Imagine if you get a highlight reel for the best moment of your life when you die and then this starts playing
"maybe the therapy will help"
"maybe if you got therapy itd help"
The last one really was like from a movie. The lines were perfect, response was perfect.
I stopped at a gas station for cigarettes back when I still smoked, and while the guy was in the booth getting them for me, I dropped my bank card. When I straightened back up, I noticed him standing there waiting, so of course, being Canadian, I had to apologize for keeping him waiting. He said, "no problem, happens to the best of us," and without missing a beat the word "obviously!" just fell out of my mouth. Cracked us both up.
I was in 10th grade, and a childhood friend of someone I knew was down in the dumps and generally pessimistic about their chances in life. Lucky for them, I had been dealing with severe depression and trauma for the last 7 years, and as such had accumulated many very potent arguments for not losing hope in one's self. I talk to him about it, and share the good ones, the arguments that get my most depressed and pessimistic mind to give it another go. Turns out mental health works like a level-scaling thing and his pessimism was level 15 while my depression had been level 231 or so; and so when I shared an argument that barely kept me going, I was giving him a level 150 buff to deal with a level 20 or so enemy, continuing the metaphor. Sure, that type of logic barely helped me when my entire emotional existence was agony and sorrow deeper than reason, but for a guy wuth no mental health issues just feeling very pessimistic about himself, I apparently turned his entire life around in about 10 minutes. When I was done he and the person I knew were staring at me in stunned silence, and he said I was the best motivational speaker he'd ever heard. The person I knew came by a few days later and told me that I had made a severe positive change in his lifestyle; he was happy, positive, and generally in charge of his destiny by the sounds of it.
Apparently, The stuff that barely kept me from committing suicide is potent enough inspiration to turn a normal person's life around.
If anyone ever wants me to share some of that, let me know; I'll help as best I can.
I could use some of that.
i would appreciate that aswell
You sir, are a fine specimen of a man.
with the one about the lawyer hitting the persons car, i was hoping they’d end it with “are you gonna use your own money for this drink, or do you want me to pay for that too?” or something along those lines
This girl in my class had been teasing me. It flew over my head at first because of my neurodivergence but my best friend helped cue me in that they were giving me false compliments from a place of mockery. Eventually I had had enough and when she complimented me just before class started, I retaliated with “Oh will you shut it, I don’t need your Regina George bullcrap in my already stressful life!” It just slipped out. I got in trouble and I’m not proud of the way I handled it but dang, heat-of-the-moment me had WORDS
That’s amazing! You really shouldn’t have gotten in trouble for saying that. It’s not like you called her a bad word or anything.
@@molly_parker_1847 I did though, I just censored it for YT. Well, I didn’t call her a slur or anything but I swore a few times. We were highschool freshman though so it wasn’t really the potty words themselves that got be in trouble.
@@fancyfree0 Yeah I assumed you censored it but you still didn’t call her a slur so still wasn’t that bad in my opinion.
We're not neurodivergent, we're awkward people doing our best to adapt to an intentionally warped environment. The brain is not the problem, the brain is not different, it is the same as it has always been, reacting to changing stimuli. It seems a small complaint, but the newspeak is not designed to do us favors.
This happened when I was like, 9:
I'm autistic, and as such, I tend to have specific pet peeves and I also tend to be very technical in how I speak. One of my pet peeves was lines because since kids had no awareness of others, I would get pushed around a lot like a freaking ragdoll and it would cause me sensory overload. As such, I began to walk on the other side of the line (if the line was on the right side of the stairs, I was on the left type of thing). I was doing this for a while and nobody said anything, until one day, we were coming back from gym, and our gym teacher was walking us back up to class, and he finally noticed I wasn't walking in the line, but instead walking behind him. Now remember, I'm technical, so I had a bad habit of calling things how I saw them, it wasn't meant to be insulting, but just more so an observation. So anyway, the gym teacher starts to suddenly want to be all high and mighty against a 9 year old for some reason, no clue why, but hey, power trips are weird
He starts saying things like "Hey, why are you on the left side of the stairs?" and "why can't you go in line?" and I just simply tell him that lines make me uncomfortable. And so, his response is to say, "Well the left side of the stairs is only for smart people"
So, without thinking, and in the most genuine and innocent tone, I ask him "Then why are you on the left side?"
My classmates just looked at me with that sorta "ohhhhhhhh no way you just said that expression"
So yeah, I got a call home but I didn't get in trouble because the gym teacher was clearly just being a sensitive jerk
Probably not the best line ever, but given that comebacks are far from my specialty, I’m a little proud I came up with this.
My sister was arguing with my mom that “couple” can mean either 2 or 3, but my mom insisted that couple meant only 2. I was getting kinda tired of the argument so eventually I just randomly piped up with something like “well I guess you can still have a threeway even as a couple” making my mom almost spit out the beer she was drinking. My dad thought it was hilarious tho, and the conversation stopped after that, much to my happiness
I’m sure I’ve said some bad ass shit, but this is what came to mind first lol. Happened like, three nights ago? I work as a closing cashier at a grocery store, so I’m there cleaning and fixing shelves after closing time with some other coworkers. I was doing a task when the manager walks past me looking a little lost. I figured he was looking for one of the others to see how their closing list was looking. I had just seen all my other coworkers going various directions within the last minute or so, so I asked him who he was looking for so I could tell him where they were. He says “nobody.” And started to walk away. Without a second I said “nobody? Nobody is on second base” (like the one comedy bit) and NO ONE HERD IT SO I STOOD THERE like an idiot for a couple seconds laughing at my own stupid joke. :,3
Lol! 🤣😂 I'm genuinely actually laughing too! I hope this helps. Why am I laughing? First, because that's a funny comedy bit, I get it. Second, because I've been there. Told a joke that either no one heard or no one cared about but still laughed out loud at it myself. Well done! 🤣😂🙂🙂🙂
It wasnct anything fancy, but I still pat myself on the shoulder because I'm still proud of that.
I was (still am) the quiet, unconfrontationnal girl. In 5th grade, when school was over, the remainong kids were merged for homework hour, then a recess. During the recess, kids were selected to go to the computer and the others just converged around them to watch. The 6th graders that were with us, always used the same computer because the game NHL 200X was installed on it. That day I was selected to play so I went to a computer without NHL and I played a game people my group always played (I was still too ashamed to have my own preferences). A 6th grader watching his buddy play hockey told me "urg, you guys always play that". I don't know what came over me that day, but I instantly came back with "As if you're any better with your hockey game". There was a moment of silence from both 6th and 5th grader, before the guy just admitted defeat with "urg, nvm".
Nothing fancy, but I was the first and only person in my class to break a 6th grader. I litteraly heard a guy from my class next to me say "oooooooh, you got him bad Cam!" It's was a big victory for me, even though it's meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
16:37 I really shouldn't be laughing at this but this nearly had me in tears 😅
"You couldn't kick my arse if i fell on your foot"
I had a girl that was just being a jerk to everyone about anything. She was very backwards about it to like she once went off about people needing to mind their own business somthing about 'if they don't want to talk then they won't talk and that's fine' etc etc. She said this about her friend mind you. For whatever reason she hated me didn't do anything to her, didn't talk to her because I didn't like her much either. Anyways she started to say things in that whisper tone that everyone can very obviously hear and she just casually goes "I don't know why they even sit back here, they don't talk to us, they don't interact, they don't even use their phone, why can't they just move to the front?" That was directed at me and passed me off a good bit. I know it dosnt sound like a lot but when you already have a history with somone anything they do can make your blood boil. This went on for about a week or so (I was, still am, an introvert who does not like to make conflict) finally she said somthing one a day that I was tired and already done with everything else. I simply turned around and before I could catch myself went "I'm sorry am I taking any of your precious space? This isn't your bus and if you really have a problem with me the whole front is open" I'm happy I didn't catch myself the look on her face was priceless her jaw was just kinda open as if she wanted to say somthing more and couldn't think of anything. I had barely spoken 10 words in the entire year and to hear that come from me just rendered her speechless. Sorry if that was very long, also I know it isn't as good as some of the other stories here but that was the biggest win I ever had in school
"Good point. Too bad it's on your head."
You want savage? Ok. I got into an argument with my neighbor, they threw a fist, and I caught it. Right as I was about to pull their arm up behind their shoulder blades, they asked for mercy. I told them " I watched my son die in my arms. You really think I'm going to show YOU mercy?" They got loose, and haven't said a word to me since.
Wow
After moving to the south, a co-worker was always making comments about my being a Yankee. I had enough and asked "If you and Bill were divorced, would he still be your cousin?" No more Yankee comments.
Back in July 2019, I was with my Summer camp group, and we were about to cross the street. One of the adults said, “Who told you to cross the street?”, and I said “The walk signal did”, and everyone was saying “OHHHH!!” and I said, “Hey, I was just playing”, and we both dapped each other up afterwards to show that we cool about it.
Not me but my mom: Neighbor came by at 5pm after a day of shopping, and said my dog, then a puppy, hit her truck that morning, denting the vehicle. (This makes no sense to me either, but its what she said.) From where she was standing, my mom couldn't see the dent. The neighbor said "Look at it from over here and you'll see it." My mom replied "Well just dont look at it from that angle and you'll never know its there!" 😂 then pointed out that the dent could've been done at the mall while she was shopping, and told neighbor to leave.
My shampoo bottles can tell you how badass I am.
In junior high, a guy that used to bully me overheard me mentioning that I believed in reincarnation once, and he spend the next several days making fun of me for it. Then one day during class he turned to me and practically yelled: "Karolyn, what were you in your past life?!"
I replied that I didn't know or didn't remember. He went on with "I think you were a gorilla!"
To wich I responded "You were a fucking idiot and you still are!"
He then turned to our teacher (who had undoubtedly heard the entire convo) and complained about me calling him an idiot, and she just admonished him for disturbing class.
Got harassed by some kids who pegged me as nonbinary on my way home from work last year. I think they saw my pronoun pin? They initially asked me if I was smoking marijuana, I said no, they claimed they could smell it and pretended to call 911. They said "We got a white male, he/him, they/them?"
I said "They/them," and the kid pretending to call promptly went "Oh, a white she/her."
So I said "You asked my pronouns just so you could get them wrong? That's pretty dumb."
Their best retort was to call me Pennywise, to which I responded "The only clown here is you, buddy."
I don't think it's the sickest burn, but its not bad.
Story 19 ending 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Great stories, nice way to start my day. Thanks for sharing your stories, have a great and safe day everyone 😊
I got in an elevator the other day and someone said “you’ve got a lot in your bag there don’t you? When you get as smart as me, you can leave your work on your desk and not at home.” I replied “well, I’m a network engineer contracted to design and manage complex network for over 300 companies. When you get as smart as I am, your bag becomes your office” and the lady in the elevator with us pointed and laughed at him. Found out later that he was some “new hire” stuck up lawyer that was there for less than a year, and she was a paralegal for the same firm, over 10 years there.
One time I was swimming with my family I splashed my mom and she reprimanded me saying that her watch was expensive
I looked her dead in the face and said “so you’re wearing it in the pool”
I would have given the guy from story 7 a raise or at least a bonus for what he did. Like imagine saving the company money and helping them become more eco friendly and just getting a pin.
"Do any good on the test? I bet you didn't."
"Do any good on the go away?"
"Do any good at killing yourself?"
"Do any good at getting an original insult?"
"Do- i- i- so- do- eurgh- do any good at MINECRAFT? Yeah, 1V1 ME AT MINECRAFT!"
I wouldn't want you to waste money on bedrock Minecraft to prove a point."
"What?"
"You definitely couldn't afford yet another edition."
"Huh? Where'd you get that idea?"
"Look down."
"It's my shoes."
"Exactly. Good day."
This lady was a textbook Karen I wouldn't be surprised if she said let me speak to the manager💯🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 15:29
I was a late bloomer and didn’t really get around with women when I first got to college. I was also in a fraternity, so some of those who pledged with me were a bit mocking of this.
Regardless, one of them a redhead, was giving me shit for it and out of nowhere I said:
“Yet you’re a ginger troll who has no soul and yet is covered in freckles so I have a hard time taking that comment seriously.”
That wasn’t my personality at the time so it was a shock
I ended a relationship with someone who was mentally manipulating me by cutting them off mid sentence and saying "frankly my dear I don't give a damn" and I shut the door in their face
Only thing I can think of is a friend was bagging on my mom to our other friends cause she told him to use a coster for his soda. Can’t remember the joke but apparently I said one of the most epic “Yo Mama” jokes our friends heard without thinking. It was clear to everyone that my mouth just started moving on its own.
I don't remember the details, but I responded with:"Your mother.". Taught these scallywags a lesson and it stopped their tomfoolery immediately.
For me it was kinda stupid but I'll count it anyway, a friend of mine was creating a story and within this story the protagonist ends up becoming a lot like their father (who is a very bad person) and so they have to seal the protagonist away. His sisters is left to guard him as it believed that he'll find a way out and so when he eventually does him and his sister will fight and so my friend was struggling to think of what she would say to her brother to piss him off, a bunch of my friends gave suggestions that he didn't really like until I said "just have her say dad would be proud" everyone just stopped and the guy who asked was like "wtf, that was great, how did you come up with it?" This left me really confused because I thought it was the obvious choice but according to my friend this was badass
Some dude, i dont remember the context but he accidentaly misspelt something. i, being the great person i am replied to him being frustrated about this "Its okay, ___, everyone makes mistakes. just like your parents!" whole class looked at me.
in grade 9 my teacher caught me sleeping and then proceeds to humiliate and then asked what do you want when you grow up. still feeling sleepy and with a dumb but emotionless face i said "everything". the teacher was too stunned to speak
When I was in boot camp, 1974 one of the guys tried to make fun of me for having a 'Southern' accent, He was from Boston, BTW. I was from TN so didn't really have much of any accent. Anyway, I got tired of it and him pretty quick and the next time he started I said that Yes, I 'Might' be a dumb hick but at least I WAS smart enough to know how to spell God. Everyone got quiet as of course he goes, HUH? I said, "People from Boston are the ONLY people I ever saw who think you spell God G A W D!" Now I had everyone's attention I said, "Oh GAWD, Lookit that DAWG!" Everyone was rolling laughing and he knew he'd been had. No more problems from him.
As someone who lives in Arkansas… my guy, you almost certainly have an accent.
@@Axqu7227 EVERYBODY has somewhat of an accent. I'm from Nashville so like Arkansas it is pretty mild, but when your accent is sooo bad that your accent has an accent, you have no business giving anyone grief about their accent. This guy was as bad as it got. I've had friends from Mass. at times but he was, bad. In the end it was all in fun, more or less. :D Have a great day.
One time I was playing Sonic Forces with friends in a Discord call, talking about how I didn't like how Classic Sonic controls. One of my friends then proceeded to mention other Sonic games where Classic Sonic controls better, she then said, "even in Mania, he controls better," to which I said, "Of course his controls are better in Mania, Mania was made by people who actually like Sonic."
Man... Story 3 sounds like great plot for a show.
Story 9 is romantic in a somewhat abnormal but still extremely good way. And Story 13 has mild “Ghost of Christmas Future” vibes.
still my favourite line is when I was doing some stop motion and my dad just responded with "I'll stop you motioning"
we still talk about it
#19 - Oh, that's satisfying in so many ways.
The bike dude that had me laughing
Kid: You’re my son.
Me: More like your son-in-law because I’ll marry your daughter in 30 years.
So I'm in city grade my friend said "that's why your shoes raggedy" (yes he literally is saying the meme) then I say "that's why your father dead, dead as hell." The I remember his dad actually died
Lmao 😭💀
I am going into 7th grade and in 6th grade after school we would go to the community center. Play pool, shoot the shit the usual. Me and my best friend are making jokes about being men and one of the mean girls walks up and says “y’all aren’t men at” all and is being super mean after that about random things. I say well you look like a man and I got her to shut up. My friend respected me a lot after that incident.😅😅
My favourite.
When the lazy person doesn't do their work, but does someone elses.
There was this girl in my PDHPE class. She did her work, but did present. Her excuse "She couldn't read it." (Atleast 99% of people at this school is literate)
So when another group denied reading theirs, she offered to read it for them.
I just blurted out, "You can't read yours, so are you sure you can read theirs?"
This was a girl who wasn't on my good side.
“I don’t have to survive anyone, you have to survive me”
I was at an internship where me and guy were getting close to having more than words and he tried to tell me I wouldn’t “survive” living with guys and squared up and said that firmly to his face. He did what I asked
Story 20: That’s actually really good quick thinking! You helped out your scene partner in a way that wouldn’t be at all out of place for the casual spectator
The first story was brilliant.
2023 flip phones (og flip phones) can still be found at stores, some people don't need fancy super expensive phones when something simple is just as good and cost efficient to boot
(I adapted to my ex and had twitter on my phone sadly I can't revert to a simpler phone but the toxic bi- is no longer hurting me emotionally so it is what it is)
Story 17 at about the end "I think" he fried my brain after he said the spread sheet 😅
I once told one of my teachers to shut his ass and give his mouth a chance to speak. It was a phrase I used a lot at the time and I said it without thinking. Luckily he was the most lax teacher in the world and all I got was a dismissive "That is not appropriate," and he carried on like nothing had happened, but my classmates still thought it was pretty bad ass.
Love❤️
So this was a long time ago and my dad was sitting at the back porch of our house and I made a joke I don't really remember now but he said "you aren't the brightest" then I said " you aren't the lightest" and it still funny
My one is from a board game, me and my friends where playing this find the traitor game, the other traitor was next to me and during a heated argument between the other players I turn to the other traitor and with me channelling my inner Ian McDiarmid aka Palpetine told him: "I, Love Democracy. " the guy started cracking up, and no one noticed.
I had to get a piece of equipment out of the back of another teacher's room (who was known for her sarcasm). As I was picking it up I heard her talking to me but as I was preoccupied with what I was doing I didn't really hear what she said. I looked up to see a sarcastic smirk on her face and all of the kids in her room looking at me with smirks of their own. I have no clue why, but I felt like I had to respond and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was "I see your lips moving but all I hear is blah, blah, blah." Her class lost it and I made my escape before she could respond.
Story 21 is just 🤣
This was a long time ago. Back then I was an avid runner and a friend of mine was a smooth talker.
Friend: I can talk about as fast as you can run
Me: at least I get somewhere
Story 10 is a good one
One time someone said to me did I ask and I responded “clearly I’d not give a crap if you asked bozo” and he screamed you jerk you said the c word this was in kindergarten
I have to admit that does sound like something Action Hero would say like the guy from the original Roadhouse
😊 9:01
So I am a short person and I was sitting with some friends in high school and someone made a joke about my height I wasn’t really paying attention I just knew that someone said something about my height so I quickly snapped my face in there direction and said just loud enough for them to hear and so seriously and sternly “Let’s see how tall you are without your kneecaps” everyone when quiet until we all burst out laughing
Moral of Story 19: Always fear the wrath of a momma bear.
This is like... not exactly the whole spur of the moment theme, this was the only time I ever got to use any of the comebacks I'd meticulously planned and filed away in the back of my mind during my extremely bully-heavy school years.
A friend was getting some grief from some guy in his year group. At one point he says "I bet you've never even had a girlfriend", and my friend says he has.
At this point, I've picked up on what's coming and I already have the line ready and waiting to be said.
This guy says "oh yeah? I've had like six this year" and I immediately replied "so you can't hold down a relationship, well done" and this guy didn't manage to say another word to any of us for nearly 5 minutes, after which the closest he could get to a comeback of his own was to point at each of my friends in turn and call them a dick, then when he got to me he looked at my long hair and just called me a girl.
I'm trans and was already open about it with my friends at the time, so I just said "thanks", and he went quiet again and left.
Not a comeback but my class went to a science camp and one of the activities was shooting a bow and arrow. A few people went before I did and none of them had any luck hitting the center of the target. Eventually a card to my turn and for contacts this is Elementary school and I was the second smallest in the class and was a year younger than most of my peers so most of them seem me as the most harmless one there. Anyway I shot my three arrows bullseye a 9 and another 9 in that order. I was a badass for about 5 minutes as people asked me how I did that and me being the honest kid I was said “I don’t know luck I guess?!” I was just as confused and surprised as everyone else and about 5 minutes later almost everyone else got at least one bullseye. So ya… oh I also accidentally cursed my class with a Native American curse to so ya that was fun. (I wish this was a joke)
I brought some old uno cards to play with at school. Someone said they had several viruses on them, I said I hoped he caught all of them
Not in the heat of the moment just freakishly casual some friends were discussing murder and I quipped "I once wanted to kill a guy, then he died" then resumed Eating a solid minute of stunned silence later I realized what I said "I didn't kill him" everyone luaghed
I was always bullied in school. This one kid in particular would go in on me with insults. We were on the band bus to go to a parade, and neither the bus driver or our band teacher was on the bus yet. This kid blurts out, “I saw ________ ________ (my first and last name) having sex in the woods yesterday.” Kids started laughing when out of nowhere I said, “Yehhhh, because that’s about as close to sex as you will ever get.” I was always so quiet. I had never talked back before. At first, everyone just kind of sat there, then suddenly burst out laughing at him. He never said another thing to me again.
Breaking up with my extremely abusive ex girlfriend. She got drunk, beat me, waived around a machete and threatened to kill my family.
Her - "fuck you"
Me - "no. Never again."
Then I left and never saw her again. Refused to return until she was on a plane home and gave her 48 hours to leave before she would be removed by the police.
ok, the Air Max story is funny
Last year, some middle school punks were being just horrible. These guys just had no respect for anyone, and everyone in high school (myself included) were sick of them. There came a point when I had happened to be standing behind one of them, and he asked a friend of mine “You squarin’ up for a fight bro?” I then said was to say “Are you?” He whirled around and I simply glared at him dead in the eye. He left.
Story 19, that 84 year old must’ve been out of her freakin mind
This happened shortly after my mother, brother, sister and I all left the high school graduation open house for a friend of my sister. When we were getting into my mother’s car my sister and brother were both arguing about who would get the front passenger seat. Then my mother said that my sister could have the seat. Which my sister afterwards said “it was a small victory”. So then I said “like the size of your chest”. Now before anyone goes shitting on me for this comment I want to make it clear that it was not intended to be aimed at anyone except my sister. I am sorry if it offended you but I wasn’t directing this at anyone who has this insecurity. So after I said it my brother and I both laughed so hard that it looked like we could have pissed ourselves. But what was possibly funnier is that after I said it my mother asked me what I said. But I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t even make out the words.
First story
Grandparent: Yeah, but you have four of me and I have 12 of you.
What’s your most badass response!?! “Well not really badass.” Then shut up. God like half of these weren’t worth it.
A kid I know recently attempted to redefine the word "know" to mean sex, and then he asked me if I wanted to know repeatedly. Another person on the call said "go fuck yourself" to him and I replied "yeah, maybe you should, instead of asking me to do it"
I was trying to tell the same kid about what consent was immediately after he tried to put his arm around me and i said "okay, which person would you rather have PUT THEIR ARM AROUND YOU? a stranger, or your mom?" and he said "But I'm not a stranger" and I came back with "Well, I don't know for sure... but I don't think you're my mom either"
this kid gives me good responses apparently
Story 2 - SMOOTH
When I say excuse me to another shopper and they reply, "You're fine" I respond with, That's what all the guys tell me'
I lived in a big apartment complex during my middle/high school years and made friends with a bunch of the neighboring kids. I was the oldest of the group when I met them at. At the time of this story I was nearly 17 when everyone else in the group was between 13 and 16.
There was this one girl in the complex who was a complete bitch bur we tolerated her for a good while because my best friend in the complex had a thing for her. (He was also the one that brought everyone together in this group). Something to note is that she was one of the older people in this group and, for lack of better wording, puberty was not kind in terms of "filling out" her body. Nothing wrong with that really, but I got the impression she was insecure about it.
One day she's getting into a fight with someone in the group when he said something about her she didn’t like (I don’t remember it fully) and she started doing the whole "say it to my face" thing to try and intimidate him. I was tired of her constant arguing and bitchiness that we always had to put up with and snapped in the most instant comeback I've ever had: "Where else would he look? You got nothing else for him to look at!"
Most of the group busted out laughing, especially since I was one of the guys who would try and keep the peace, and two of them pulled me away before things escalated any.
The worst part? The bitch was so clueless that she didn’t even realize what I meant by it, but I know someone explained it to her because she was always pissed at me from that day on.
That last one that was actually kind of really cool the Marine must have been a really cool guy because of that fight with a broke out I don't think my man's regardless of how tall he was would have been left standing a lot of those Marines are kind of tough especially when they stealing their Prime once they old yeah you can handle it then💯😅😅😅
Nice game
This is more of a "I can't believe that worked!", but fits here too.
My main hobby is karaoke, my buddy is a mobile karaoke host, providing karaoke nights to bars that hire him for such. He likes to take advantage of working in bars meaning that we're all adults, showing racier music videos between singers to inspire a fun, laid-back atmosphere. Showing one - this might have been the naked version of Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines, not long after UA-cam ripped it down for getting TOO well known as being another example of nudity existing on UA-cam - one girl (stranger) scoffs "Bah, I have better tits than that", I think with "And mine are pierced". Being nearby I overhear, my normally not-quick-at-all self says almost automatically "Okay, prove it". Then she lifted her shirt and did. :) Was JUST so satisfying for that line to work for the first time ever, and I doubt anybody else heard her claim, so I was the only one who could say it. It's too bad she was a complete stranger, despite this being a bar I frequented, AFAIK I never saw her again.
I said turnabout is fair play can you get mad at somebody for forgetting your birthday and then you don't remember theirs especially when you family💯🤣🤣🤣🤣0:24
Probably the most savage thing I said: "oh, and by the way, your loving husband tried to foce naughty Genevieve when she was passed out at your millenium party". Genevieve was this guy's niece by marriage.
is it just me or does that guy sound like Garrus Vakarian
First meeting with my girlfriend (Now Wife's) family, meeting her 3 brothers, her mum and her nan. Whilst the youngest was quiet, the other two were loud, boisterous and, most importantly, Lads lads, very sporty and obsessed with their masculinity, whilst I was very unsure and wanting to make a good impression on all of them. One of them (Harry) was complaining how the other (Gavin) had moved back in with their mum, meaning that there wasn't enough space for his mate (Kai) to come round for the night as there was no "Spare room"
"What do you expect me to do?" he said "Set up a tent in the back garden for him?! What sort of mate would I be?!"
"Well, why don't you join him," I replied. "Share the tent together, have a little camp out, call it Broke Back Bristol."
I think my favourite reaction was between my GF's mum choking on her tea, her Nan's confusion, and Harry's look of disbelief whilst trying not to smile.