Chapter 14 Telling friends and family THEY'RE Autistic
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- Опубліковано 10 чер 2023
- Chapter 14 recapping my unexpected Autism and ADHD year: this week I'm talking about the risks of telling friends and family you think they might be autistic, even if it seems blindingly obvious to you that they are. The first problem is that once the penny's dropped that YOU'VE got autistic traits, you start to see it EVERYWHERE. The second problem is that if YOU'RE on the autism spectrum, the chances your friends and family are too is likely higher.
But you have to tread very carefully with this. A) you might be wrong, and B) if someone's not ready to hear they might be neurodivergent they may well lash out and attack you. The best you can do is share information, share your own experiences, and let people get there on their own, no matter how much you may want to scream "but you're autistic too!"
Please do like and share this video and subscribe to my channel, or message me to get in touch and connect.
Contact:
Email: amineurodivergent@gmail.com
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AQ Test:
I'm going to keep posting the link to the AQ Self Test for autism every Sunday in case this is the first video in the series people come across. Take the self test (remember it's JUST a self-test) and see how you score. You may have been autistic all along and had no idea, like me:
psychology-tools.com/test/aut...
"...a mental health advocate by stealth." Nice.
That’s my new mission in life, at least in my private life😂
I have found this series incredibly helpful. Thank you so much.
Thank you for watching and feeding back, that makes me happy to hear.
My best\only childhood friend was diagnosed as an adult as Autistic+ADHD. By that moment we were living in different countries, so I found out about this years later. And my reaction was exactly what you described: "why are you getting these labels of Asperger's and ADHD? If between the both of us, you are the most normal".
Shortly after that, at work, a new person entered my team and she requested my boss that she wanted to do the shadowing and initial training with me. Turns out she was also autistic and she felt comfortable with me.
All of the sudden I found myself going down the rabbit's hole, doing every ASD online test there is. After two years of research and self doubting I went for a formal ASD diagnosis and got it.
It's funny, often other ND people see it in us before we do (sounds like your work colleague recognised a fellow traveller and was drawn to you). I think it's why often when one person in a friendship group gets a diagnosis, others can often topple like dominoes. There's probably a reason the 'weird' kids hung out, we magnetised towards each other.
Now that I know what I'm looking for, I see it EVERYWHERE; in friends, in family, in work colleagues. But when I didn't know what I was looking for, I couldn't even see it in myself, I just knew something was slightly 'off' or different to the norm but I didn't know what or why, until I did. It took a long time.
I'm pretty sure that my husband is on the spectrum because we do get along so well. But I'm not bringing that up until I have my own diagnosis. Good points, thanks!
Ah, here's your familial relations video! Brilliant.
Too coincidental that I just experienced this yesterday. I've wondered about neurodivergence for my niece. She graduated yesterday, and I went to her graduation party. As I was sitting with her she was VIGOURSLY shaking her leg. I asked her if she does that a lot. She said yes, all the time, she can't help it and that she even does it in bed. She said if she can't do that she picks at her nails. I asked her if she does any other picking, like skin picking, she said yes. I asked her if she ever has issues focusing, and gave her an example of reading paragraphs in a book and not knowing what she just read. She said all the time and that she has to read and reread pages over and over again. I told her these are signs of ADHD and she said "Yeah my mom doesn't really believe in stuff like that" and walked away... And I know that is true.
Her father, who is my brother, never even believed in depression. He is 15 years older than me and when I struggled with what I thought was depression as a teenager he told me it was a choice. When he had girls of his own and this daughter of his started struggling with depression he finally began to realize that MAYBE depression could be real... but he still struggles to believe it's real. He's on the fence about it. So ADHD and autism? Forget about it!!! Those are all just made up to him. But I UNDERSTAND WHY they think that way... I do.... And now I'm somewhat struggling with the fact that I even said anything to her because if she mentions it to her mom and dad (My brother and sister-in-law) it might cause issues.
But this girl has struggled with depression and greatly struggled in school and then I saw her basically violently shaking her leg yesterday (just like I do) and I couldn't help but mention it. Anyway, pray for me 😂 I'm gonna need it!!!
This is really sad to read - I feel for you, your niece AND your brother. For people who were older and struggling with depression, anxiety and whatever else, you often had "mind over matter" drilled into you as a concept. Exactly like you say - it's a choice whether to give in to it or keep trying to push yourself through. Particularly in the UK and I'm guessing the States followed a similar pattern. Stiff upper lip, don't show weakness, and it's all incredibly damaging. My little armchair psychologist self thinks it sounds a lot like your brother has struggled with SOMETHING himself over the years, pushed through, suppressed his own struggles, and expects others to do the same because he has, probably damaging himself quite a lot in the process. The problem is this attitude is now affecting his family, and I for one think you're 100% right to try to intervene and at least have the right questions raised to start exploring possible outcomes.
This is so important. I am very glad I watched this, thank you.
Thanks so much for watching - I'm glad that you're glad !
Oooh this can be tricky trying not to shine a light into someone's potential Autism . . . I know there's often downsides while we try to readjust, but (and I speak for myself here) there's a tendancy to be almost evangelistic as the diagnosis saved me from myself and stopped me beating myself up for the social faux pas of oversharing and info-dumping. Once I'd realised there was a reason behind it it felt liberating and items tempting to release someone else from their prison of being forced into living neuro typical lives.
I tend to wait until I have an inroad, but it's so hard when you know that diagnosis is the path to a more sustainable life.
Oh 100% - I've felt quite evangelical about this, tbh that tendency to shout from the rooftops and raise awareness and encourage self-tests and self-reflection is essentially why I started this UA-cam channel. I WANT to help others unlock themselves they way I got unlocked and feel happier by knowing themselves better, I've just got it wrong a few times by targeting that evangelising too pointedly rather than just ... putting the information out there for people to pick up I guess. There's not necessarily a right or wrong way to do it, these are just my own reflections. There are so many people around the world locked inside themselves with no idea why and it breaks my heart.
Absolutely agree with you. It's like I'm gatekeeping when what I want to do is open the gate. I once asked a close friend to answer a questionnaire regarding observations of my ADHD traits for my assessment. She started answering as if she herself was being assessed because she identified so much with the questions. This was a gentle nudge that then led her to recognising her own traits and new awareness. Like you say, all we can do is present relevent information and let them gather the breadcrumbs that are relevant to them.
Bingo! I've broached the subject with my 86 year old Dad very gently. My son is taking the info on board but his generation is not so phased by the subject of neurodivergentcy.
That makes me really happy to hear, re your son's generation being pretty unphased. By the time I shuffle off this buffalo, I want to see a world where it's absolutely normal to say you're neurodivergent, where no one bats an eyelid, and where adjustments and accommodations to help neurodivergent people thrive and fulfil their potential are just baked into the processes of everyday life.
Yes. I think this is your best video yet because it has made that connection. We aren't clinicians though so yes we have to tread carefully.
7:14 this was my initial reaction to my kids suggested diagnosis and the reaction of the entire side of the family from my in laws. Hmmm. And I see now, my kids acts so much like them and they think they are far from the spectrum so how could he be? I cried for 4 hours after receiving their unaccepting reaction and now I see why they may have reacted that way. Thanks
Another fantastic video, thank you 🙏
I have a somewhat differing opinion- I did a uni course that was wholly unsuited to me and then commenced work in that field but was unable to cope for long due to my being autistic and otherwise neurodivergent; and would have benefited greatly from someone kindly confronting me as I could have made better decisions.
Yeah, this is one of the videos I'm going back and forth on a few months further down the road, to be honest. I used to think finding out I was ND now at this later stage in life has been the right thing for me - but I'm now 100% sure it wasn't. I wish I'd known sooner, way sooner. I may re-record this video, or add an addendum. The problem is telling someone when you're sure(-ish) they are, but not 100% sure, so maybe I stand by that it's just planting breadcrumbs and asking people if they've ever considered it for themselves? I'm not sure, this is really tricky. I saw parents with a kid recently that (to me) was clearly autistic and wanted to ask them if they knew, but didn't, because it felt intrusive. It's really hard to know what the right approach is on this.
9:38 this us exactly what happened with my dad 😮f$&@ i vlogged it in my last video. I wish I had seen this video before I spoke to him
I just watched your vid - sorry to hear about that reaction you got. Not uncommon though I don't think. Your use of "yet" is very encouraging and optimistic though and I hope it comes to pass in terms of acceptance and understanding. All the best!
@@amineurodivergent thank you
I pray I can make it up to my dad
Hi! A few weeks ago, I watched a video UA-cam recommended about Are You an Introvert or Austistic? I was so happy to finally understand why I am so different and I told my sister and she was happy for me until i said that we were so similar , maybe she was Autistic too. I would not recommend that approach!
Thanks for sharing, yeah that's a tough situation wanting to help and running into resistance (or shock and horror). I hope you guys are good now.