Why are relationships so difficult? (yet still so important for autistic people)
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- Опубліковано 20 сер 2024
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
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// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thrity.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplain...
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: aspergersfromtheinside@gmail.com
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul
"If I talk slowly I forget what I am saying" - man, I can relate to that big time !!! :D
If I ramble I'll forget like it didnt happen
Haha nailed it
💁🏽😌 omg so true 🤦🏾 😂
Same!
When people tell you to talk slower 😥😥😥😭😭
That initial bounding, the getting to know someone is quite challenging for me. Cause it's so exhausting having to tell people about my past and things about me over and over again!!
I agree so much with this.
I thought online dating would help more, but even when I write a book about myself people seem to want to still do all of the "how do you" parts.
yes, thats why I stopped dating. Its like groundhog day each time!
I stopped giving my bio- history -
Bio Histories don’t create relationships
- shared experiences, do.
That is the case no matter whether you're NT or HFA. Lol. I often think it might be better to have a flyer I hand to my date w info about me
Same!
I’m not even sure I’m autistic but I know something is off about me, people treat me so oddly and relationships are definitely a struggle for me
LAF 98 🤗 Hugs, and best wishes for finding out for sure. ☺️
Leigh Pope thank you (:
LAF 98 My pleasure. 😊
I feel the same.
I just watch these videos because I relate to them the most 😂
I love that you don’t edit the heck out of your videos. It’s very helpful to see someone work through their thoughts in a way that I do. I really like your videos. Thank you!
I second this! I hope you keep making your videos without editing. It really normalizes the fact that some people NEED TIME TO THINK and that's okay!
Yes, this was refreshing.
Completely agree!!
Same here
Agreed. I really appreciated this. Happens to me and I get embarrassed and frustrated when I lose what I was trying to communicate. It's nice to see someone similarly human. Thank you for sharing it.
Could you do a video on autism and a tendency towards co-dependent relationships, trauma bonding, or the person on the spectrum being used/ abused? Thank you!
I love this request
I understand what you're saying about the importance of socialization. What I don't understand is why I am expected to keep burning myself on other people.
No matter how much I change my behavior, it's never enough: I am always rejected eventually.
So why go crawling back? Why bother trying to fix it when it'll just break again and again and again? Why the fuck should I waste my time with people who don't want me and never will?
Deciding if I even _want_ a relationship is hard
If you keep wondering, you probably do… ✊🤓💜
@@serversurfer6169 Nope, it's because I keep getting harassed and told that I need one. I've already come to terms with the fact that I don't and it's not necessary
@@dwoktheraynejonsohn4849 Welp, fair enough! 💜😅👍
i honestly feel you there. i don't even know how to fall in love with anyone. and our society puts too much pressure on us with this crap is what's really painful.
You can't fall in love if you are on certain antidepressants.
The quick realization of loneliness in this buzzing world, it's like a sudden fall into a black hole, it's a lonely time in silence and darkness. I enjoy my time alone. But the realization of loneliness hurts, a lot. Next year, 24 and friendless. You know, you have thousands of people around you, the whole world, and yet you feel alone.
And yet you are surrounded by lonely people. You're not alone in feeling alone.
So sad, my son is experiencing the same thing. He told me because of social media, COVID, etc., so many people are all alone in their homes. I had a difficult childhood, early adulthood, etc., but this is so sad to me. He is not ASD, but my husband is and has forced himself into social situations and is really good at masking. He is a lot older than you and has had many years to learn and we came from another period of time.
Relationships are essential. We don't need to be close to another person all the time. The more intimate a relationship, the more difficult it becomes.
I’m so happy I have found your channel, my husband is an aspie and especially in moments of frustration I have found myself using your channel as a resource for myself to understand his point of view! ❤️
Me too! My best friend has Aspergers and sometimes I just don't understand his behavior or autistic manners but this channel has made me understand him and his traits pretty well. I am very glad that I have found this channel.
Your husband is a lucky man. I wish my wife would watch some of these videos. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 7 I'm now 37 and going through a very difficult divorce. The most difficult thing is I don't really understand why still.
Shane Carubbi Thank you I really appreciate that, the communication barriers can make it really tough I know and I’m sorry your situation has ended in divorce but I send you all the positive vibes and hopefully when you find someone else they will be willing to meet you halfway and learn about aspergers! 🙂
Thanks to everyone taking their time to read this testimony on how my son was saved from Autism.
He was diagnosed four years ago, and he's just 6, I have tried several treatments and medications, nothing was working out, this got me frustrated and depressed. I kept praying and finally God answered my prayers when someone from youtube introduced me to this doctor from his home country and gave me his contact details.
I called and explained my son's condition after which I made an order for his herbal remedy, he asked for my address and the next day I got a tracking number for a parcel sent to me through DHL and after four days I received my order.
It was a liquid herbal medicine and a letter containing the instructions on how to use the herbs, I called him again to confirm and the next morning I started giving my son the herbs as instructed and after one week I noticed great improvement on my son and I continued until the herbs got finished and everything lasted for just one month and now my son is totally free from Autism, he can now talk clearly, behave normally and has no more seizures.
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@@braynhilton5300 Autism is NOT A DISEASE and CANNOT BE CURED. This is ridiculous. Stop trying to SCAM people. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!
The issue is when you don't have fear of intimacy, and you are ready to compromise and do all the things that a relationship requires, but people just aren't interested because you seem awkward because you have autism...
Good ol disability discrimination
@@Wario1382... That's not discrimination, that's just a misunderstanding.
They don't know the person, so to them it just looks like someone who's acting weird. That's completely fair.
@@Zeverinsenno it is discrimination even if you don't mean for it to be.
I think the biggest difficulty I have is just in the moment processing. I can't respond in a timely fashion in even a semi optimal way. I constantly have to apologise later down the line for misunderstandings.
Local overconnectivity global underconnectivity of neurons basically says it all. It just takes too long for the bigger picture to sink in.
Time and space really does help.
Edit: Case in point I took the title and question too literally and only just now got what you meant.
Same here.
Alex Talbot Question RE: “time and space helps”. I need help deciphering a specific incident, if you wouldn’t mind.
I had a phone call with my Aspie friend that ended unexpectedly and abruptly, and three weeks later I’m still trying to understand how/why he jumped to such a conclusion, took such offense, and reminded me of how he has been telling me that “there’s no good ending” to us..... whatever “us” even is.
Any chance I could explain it to you in more detail and get your take on it? I’m pretty adept at reading Aspie cues and understanding the general mindset, but I honestly can’t tell if he ACTUALLY wants to disconnect from me entirely, or if it’s just too much pressure for him and he needs a break. And how long of a break should I expect him to need? Etc etc etc.... I don’t know if he’s just discouraged and I should go after him, or if he really doesn’t want me as a friend anymore. The not knowing is torture.
@@CrownedMeadow The time and space I referred to in my comment was mostly about in specific interactions. Like I do best meeting new people with a person I already know. They give me a buffer time to collect my thoughts before replying.
If I'm trying to do anything else or I'm deep in thought I often have to make the choice between being a friendly person and actually getting shit done as they pull from the same mental resources. Neurotypicals have more idiosyncrasies than they give themself credit for and masking is just draining.
The background thoughts whilst trying to be social drastically increase the time between hearing some thing and being able to reply. So I usually panic and blurt out a half digested thought or whatever my childish subconscious thinks. (I often think of neurotypicals as children trapped in an adults mind and autists as adults trapped in children's minds at least when it comes to thin slice judgements and quick reactions)
With regards to your specific problem. I don't think I have enough information to make an informed decision. However I think the advice I gained from this channel is solid.
Let them know that you're still open to connection and that you want a connection but there is no pressure on them to reciprocate. Maybe briefly clear up the misunderstanding in your message based on what it actually was. Then just forget it until they contact you.
If they dont contact you then I think regardless of neurotypical or neurodivergent if someone wants you out of their life there isn't much you can do but accept it.
Sadly, you are probably dealing with a narcissist in your relationship.
@@angiea8022 Let's not jump to conclusions without having enough info. Besides, even professionals familiar with Cluster B disorders couldn't diagnose someone without a thorough assessment. Armchair psychology can be a dangerous feat.
I do not get “close” relationships. Gave up 40 years ago. I have one main “emotion” it’s OVERWHELM. I can only feel like myself when alone. I do enjoy my life and my cat seems to love me. It is easy to make her happy. Mostly I relate to other people who need help desperately because they are old or ill and passed by
Same here. I hate myself when i am with others. Because I feel "weird", "odd" constantly. I also have a cat. 2 actually. I am most happy with her.
Asperger folk make good cat people. Cats don’t require much
I have a great need for friendships, but like my own space and my own freedom too much to want an intimate relationship. I have occasionally thought I SHOULD want an intimate relationship, but eventually I had to admit to myself that I don't want one and never did. It kinda pisses me off that people think there's something wrong with that.
Cat's dont "love" you. You have it trapped in your home and it obeys. If that's love sheesh fucking pathetic.
@@isimonsezim a dog person. Theyre so sweet ❤
Hugely relatable. Hits harder the second time watching. I think we AS people need to understand that we are not "typical " people so a "typical " relationship isn't for us. We have to be aware of that then not be afraid to express the boundary. We need our time dancing by ourselves!
I found this very insightful. Relationships require being open to another person which means being emotionally vulnerable.That is the basis of trust and intimacy.
We just need to be careful who we open up to and get to know people slowly. This can help us avoid the abusive people.
After my last catastrophe of an attempt at being social, all it did was remind me that I can't human very well and it is pointless even trying.
Catastrophe is big word. I hope you heal fast. Sometimes being social is like learning to ride a bike. What is life but an adventure.
@@ebufi7957 How incredibly invalidating. Being social is not like riding a bike, because a bike doesn't make you crash on purpose just because you don't hold the handle bars the way most people do. "Life is an adventure" sounds like just some platitude that someone with unacknowledge privilege would say. If your life is an adventure then good for you. But not everyone is so fortunate.
@@eshiboo you are right, when you learn to ride a bike you crash.
Mark Sumbler Nooo, don’t give up. Please don’t give up. Do your best to explain “you” to them. Some of us really do want to understand. ☺️😊
I gave up long ago.forget all the "be positive" bullshit.that DOESNT apply to us!
Mentally, I'm ticking boxes watching this and thinking 'Yeah, I enjoyed being on my own, I could control things better' but my relationships with people, my family and my ex-girlfriend were a massive weight on me and I struggled and I still do today. It's having connections you value and people who understand you and yet, things break down as people don't understand it, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, you struggle to understand until you realise 'I've been this way all along'.
i get sooo tired of other people in general. even if it's not a super close relationship i just get so tired trying to hold up the relationship
What a tragic life to relish loneliness
it's okay, i feel like that too! try doing work outs for energy
Ikr. People and their expectations. Why would anyone expect me to treat them like they actually existed? It's all about me and being a victim. People should just tip toe around narci I mean autistic people.
@@cassiebennet4262The only person who sounds like a narcissist is you. NT people are lazy and never hold up their relationships. That's why they are the lonely ones. They cry endlessly about wanting friends and then treat them like crap. So go on talking about yourself because the only people who are playing victim right now are NT people.
@@isimonsezyou mean the NT people? Because all I ever see is NT people complain about being alone and then ostracize everyone around them. Usually by putting in absolutely no work to the relationships and abusing the people that they do have relationships with. In fact NT people seem to be the most abusive and most lonely.
I often sabotaged my budding relationships in the past because I was afraid I was getting 'too close' to the guy and then I panicked...that's actually NORMAL! .😭😭😭 thank you for this video, Paul
Thank you. This is exactly the sort of thing I needed to hear. In some ways having a healthy relationship is harder than the unhealthy ones. There's no obvious solutions, no bridges to burn. Instead it's like daily homework with my trauma and insecurity. It's been a year and a half with this one partner and it's so hard to trust still. But I'm going to keep trying, and he's shown that he's willing to have hard conversations and figure out compromises.
I wish more people understood that relationships can be very important to us. Most people seem to prefer believing it's just not a desire for us.
I dropped my aspi after telling him that I don't accept him don't answering my messages and that it made me sad, and he kept doing it. I didn't feel that he hurt me intentionelly but I couldn't take it. 🙏
I feel this!
I've taught myself how to be more social and approachable in recent years no matter how exhausting and overwhelming it can be. Early last year I reunited with an old friend from high school and over the course of the nect several months we had gotten very close. After they left a long relationship we eventually got even closer. The bonding was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I had never been able to be so candidly "me" around someone and still feel understood and respected. After some time we became romantically involved and I fell hard. Harder than I ever had before, and harder than I probably had any right to. But it was justified in the moment. I was told I was their "one", as it were. I was called "marriage material" which absolutely shook me in a delightful way. Not into marriage as a concept but to feel that valued was beyond my comprehension almost. For the first time in any romantic bond I finally dropped all my guard and began to focus on my own motivation and ambition because I had a seemingly unshakable support system. Not too long after we had gotten romantically involved, though, they left like a ghost. Suddenly the nights filled with laughter and affection and taking care of their animals were dead silence. Even now I can't tell if how it ended was my fault or something I could have controlled. I know it's very unhealthy to dwell on the past and these questions for as long as I have but it's been such a confusing and emotionally tumultuous experience. I don't get attached to people like I had in this case. There are my peers and family to whom I'm always loyal but THIS was a passionate love in its rawest form and, while overwhelming, gave me undoubtedly some of the best and most peaceful days of my life. I never realized how shut off and cold I was and could be until after I had this experience.
No matter how much I write or how I try to express how complex and profound these feelings are, nothing feels good or concise enough. Unfortunately I want something I know I can't have and while I wish them all the peace and happiness, I feel even colder and more on-guard than I could have been before this.
Same, but I kind of did it without knowing I was autistic until fairly recently. I can't be an armchair psychologist for other neurodivergent people but in my case at least it was possible to train myself to be somewhat confident in social situations. It sucked, and I hate that it doesn't come naturally for me, but it is better and there's some benefit to it when it didn't come naturally after learning. Because now I'm more capable of meta communication than people who take it for granted and this pretty great for relationships since communication is so important. In a few small cases we can turn our difference into strength
I really identify with your experience. I think the key lies in your sentence
...' I dropped all my guard and started focusing on all my own motivation and ambition because I had a seemingly unshakeable support system'.
That is exactly what I did, several times, and soon lost that support. I think that people adjust to a relationship and think that's how it will be. They won't want the quite radical changes both you and I seem to have created with our ambitions once we felt secure. It would feel like egoism to our partners, wouldn't it?. Especially if we are women. 'Selfish' women who have needs!!!
@@blissblitzing I should also mention that my partner has diagnosed autism whereas I don't have any formal diagnosis for any similar cognitive conditions
Ironically enough we tried dating again these past couple months and it was much of the same in the end. Our interests just can't seem to meet on common ground.
@@panicnow14 Sorry to hear that.
Same the only difference is my wife abused the crap out of me non stop silent treatments cursing me always talking down…. But when she was nice she was really nice and I keep blaming myself for the breakup even though she doesn’t even let me SEE it TALK to my quadruplets at alll for already a year I still just blame myself and I have no energy to deal with lawyers and courts and stuff like that and I feel like I’m being laughed at constantly and for no reason… it’s insane I don’t even know what it means to actually feel “life”
My husband of almost 4 years now has actually made me feel like life is easier together. We're both autistic.
To use the same metaphor, I feel SOOO comfortable dancing however I want to in front of and with him. I'd trust him literally blindly. Conflicts don't scare me at all and feel so natural with him. We need little space from each other which is perfect for me.
But I'm here because he's the only person I've found on this planet so far with whom I feel that way (idek how I did that) ....and it seems to not be enough to fulfill me. He makes up the biggest part of my happiness and while I see him not only as a partner but also as a best friend, it's still a little different of course and I long for... friends. For some reason.
And I can't find any because I seem to be a difficult person. At first I'm really easy and sociable but I ONLY value *close* friendships and getting deeper and deeper into that territory with anyone I get scared and struggle.
This makes sense now.
I don't wanna place all my burden and needs onto him alone. I never had such bad problems with making and keeping friends until my last friend messed me up. I keep on feeling the urge to run away. My husband seems to have such an easy time with his friends so I get advice and he kicks my butt to talk to mine sometimes bc I *know* it'll make me feel better but overcoming my brain telling me to isolate is hard.
Anyway this was really helpful insight!
All I can say is that most enjoyable times in my life have been when I've been alone.
Agreed
I have thought this thought to. But then I need to tell myself I want a choice to say if I want to be alone or I want company, not for the other people to dictate that I'm no good in relationships and I'm meant to be alone. I want to have the tools to be able to have two choices instead of only being alone. I like very much being alone, but I don't want to live in a bubble for the rest of my life. Always living in my parents house, always being taken care of. Not being independent. So as difficult as a relationship is, I really need to seek out the training or courses that teach me how to communicate with other human beings. Its something I will have to learn in a safe environment, where I am not ridiculed because I don't understand something. Yes, I want a choices.
Same
Same
How boring
Largest problem with relationships especially love in two words STRESS HEALTH. Bonding will end someday! Never underestimate effect of stress on immune system, it being a major killer, probably the largest contributor to overall decrease of Autistic lifespans ~~ Learn to be alone guilt free, but be kind to everyone ~~
Dude we aren't all that introverted, some of us need people!
So true
And the loneliness of the NT partner?? . I am down and suffering and fatigued beyond belief and have developed all sorts of stress disorders putting up with an asperger guy for 20 years. Zero emotional fulfillment in the relationship. I am destroyed. I would rather be dead. And I will be in another 10 years. Want to hold on for 20 , for the sake of seeing my daughter as an adult.
@@aparnavt8761 its not easy for ASD females (afab) with ASD men either. I understand what you are saying after 10+yrs. Trust me for an ASD 1 to go 10yrs with limited capacity for special interests, own space, having to carry the executive functioning for two and not be able to do your traits because they make his worse..... I'm now diagnosed fibromyalgia, in a serious long term asd burn out and barely functioning. I can't function enough to leave and nobody helps asd adults in the uk in any tangible way. To top it all, no professional you speak to understands the load or why you just can't ..... its basicly incomprehensible to them. That said I have been in a relationship with a real Narcissist and boy theres a world of difference, I didn't know myself with him, this is just hard work and I understand how much he's trying which means something.
It can be off and on somedays. Want to find someone, but keeping myself busy with work, exercise, and or video games helps keep the stress of loneliness down but it is a battle sometimes.
This is one of the best videos ever. I find myself thinking about how much more I want what I think I need without realizing I’m in a process with a someone willing to be with me. We are trying to build a relationship together. We don’t give up on one another despite the hard times,differences in our life together. I’m pulling for my partner anxious to learn, grow.
Loving people just as they are is always a challenge on a growth journey. Trust in the process; space to grow; and respect and validation of another's perspective are essential; but Love is what makes the world go round! Thanks for sharing your perspective in this video!
This is what I believe in my core. To love like that and be unapologetic is vulnerable as hell and takes mountains of strength. If you are open to it, it will change you forever. It's not easy at all.
One word! Brilliant! Never in my life has anyone captured how I feel or perceive relationships like you did in this video! Happy tears! Oh my Lord! I needed to hear this and I appreciate you! BTW this was my first time discovering this channel. I couldn't sleep and searched "why is it hard for autistic people to let go". It's ironic that your video gave me the opposite of what I was searching for but exactly what I needed to develop tools to connect with others while honoring my unique needs. God bless you Sir!
Sincere question; How can I be 'friends' with anyone when I have no idea if they want me around?
When you perceive no positive feedback to your presence, and do not wish to impose yourself on anyone, what opportunity is there? And yes I know you can ask, but people are polite and do not tell the truth, and if they are saying one thing with the words but expecting me to 'get the hint', a hint I am never gong to get ....... I can't work out a strategy.
Eventually they blame you for not getting the hint too. I hate when people get passive aggressive but expect you to know why. It’s very cowardly. Makes me want to do it back to spite them but i try not to stoop to their level.
@@reylime2991 Sadly people are often unable to adapt to what the aspie needs. So much of the NT communication is subconscious for them, that they are not aware of how to adapt their 'signalling' so the aspie can perceive it.
hence why I have given up.
I'd like to think I could meet a nice girl who gets it, but I guess I am getting too old for that to happen.
My strategy is to not care. I interact with people in a way that seems appropriate in general, and ignore their potential feelings towards me specifically. After a while, I give small compliments for something outside of their identity, like complimenting something they made, did, bought, etc. I generally avoid complimenting looks, personality, or attributes that could be core to their identity (like "you work so hard!" is too invasive IMO, but "dang you worked so hard!" seems to go over better more often, because you're commenting on an action rather than their identity). If they give you compliments occasionally, then you're now 'friends' to some degree. To me there are different levels of friendship, and you have determine where your friendship is based on what kind of interactions you have:
level 0: There is no friendship. they're cold towards you, they give short answers to your questions, they don't elaborate much, they show no enthusiasm when talking to you, they don't joke around with you
level 1: They're aquantences. They might start conversations with you, they're generally nice, they give some details when asked 'how was your weekend?'.
level 2: They're preferred aquantences. These would be the people at work/school you might sit with at lunch. They're happy to tell you about their weekend and they want to hear about yours. Interactions can frequently be humours with them. They might lightly tease you occasionally. They'll help you out with minor things.
Level 3: They're friends. You might go do stuff outside of work/school together as a group with other friends. They care about your wellbeing and will try to cheer you up during bad times. They might put considerable effort into helping you out with no expectation of reward. Also includes stuff from level 2.
Level 4: They're good/best friends. You hang out one on one somewhat frequently. You can text them out of the blue and ask if they want to play video games with you, go get lunch together, etc.
Keep in mind, though, that everyone is different and most people aren't looking for friendships. The frequency of unplanned interactions with someone is more impactful towards building a friendship than anything you can control. Work, school and hobbies tend to be the main source of friendships because of this.
In dating, it's even worse. How am I supposed to understand the concept called "chemistry"?
How could I know if I had a chemistry with a person?
The only thing that determines whether I like a person or not depends on our compatibility rate.
The more compatible we are, the more I like the person.
The less compatible we are, the less I like the person.
It's just that simple.
I'm perplexed by some of my dates refusing to meet me on a second date, when we match nearly 90%.
@@alexong2542 Oof, yeah chemistry is so hard. I haven't been able to recreate it since, but one time I had a very fun and free flowing conversation with a girl. It seemed like talking to each other made both of us happy. I think that might be "chemistry"
It's tough to talk all the time to people that aren't empathetic nor understanding, that never give a step towards progress due to their ego, and later expecting to find someone that's just the opposite, It's just hard to believe that could happen, even more when it might be happening
Thank you for this. I’ve always had a hard time with friendships & relationships. I got diagnosed earlier this week with high functioning ASD. I’m 41.
When you have never been able to take care of yourself and manage your life on your own, close relationships become extra challenging. Even though it may seem impossible to get them, if you do you, that might be what you need to really learn. I personally don't think you learn very much from social media relationships. You really need to meet people in person.
I am on disability and found a partner. It is hard but not Impossible. I found another neurodivergent.
This is really valuable. I’m in a situation right now where in all my previous relationships I was more or less abused and/or neglected. And now I’ve found a caring and thoughtful person I’ve been excited for a couple of weeks and now I start getting thoughts about us “not being in sync” and maybe there’s this perfect person somewhere out. To hear that maybe when I start thinking about leaving and finding other relationships is actually a turning point to reflect on myself, that’s really valuable
I too, love that you don’t edit your videos. Seeing you process your thoughts gives insight on your sincerity and authenticity. Thanks for sharing!
This was good. Could you talk about how neurotypicals need more affection and lack of it might not mean rejection
This was so helpful, I'm currently questioning whether I could be autistic, and no matter if I am or not, this video definitely spoke to me.
Another very good talk. Yes I can relate to this one. I like the reference to dancing. Very timely
Me too. I love analogies. The only way I understand anything.
This dancing analogy is brilliant! Thank you.
Personally I've just stopped caring about relationships, I'm an extremely independent person so I'm happy where I am right now :)
How is it going so far?
@@southlondon86 I'd be lying if I said I never felt like having a partner. Normally it's friends I see with partners that makes me feel a little unfulfilled. However I keep reminding myself that there's always upsides and downsides to everything, even relationships.
Ultimately I keep thinking to myself that my hobbies keep me entertained enough :)
Search for your solemate.
@@fadwajapan6404 in reality, there aren't enough soulmates to go around.
wow i never thought of relationships as things that are meant to heal, ive only been seeing one side to it. thank you for that invaluable insight. i guess i used to think you had to be healed before a healthy relationship could grow.
💯
15 years and two kids later I’ve been diagnosed and I feel for my significant other while I learn to understand my self. Your videos are very helpful !!
The answer, my man, lies in the root word in "relationship": "relate"... and I don't.
Dr. Larry Mitchell 😪 This breaks my heart. I love an Aspie, and he doesn’t relate either, and I don’t even care. I think he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known, and it hurts me to know that he suffers alone and absolutely cannot, and will not ask for help (or even a formal diagnosis). It’s painful to watch when all you want to do is be good to them. 💔
But You just did! Like Aphex Twin is only one guy. An enigma/illusion representation of soul is Relationship. Ever -changing hologram reflecting ripples in the stream of consciousness. Not a telescope mirror looking for alien life.
If a person chooses not to relate-
How do you think you’re ‘ helping’ the person by shoving them to be more in tube with you ?
It’s disrespectful to over ride another persons’ life style paradigms.
I was diagnosed ADHD and later ASD in the past year and half. It's been a blessing, to finally know 'who I am and why'; but it's also overwhelming me. I'm 53.
Relationships have always crushed me. I've had lots of partners and friends over my life but they never last to long. I think it's going well but then the person evaporates, I just end it, or I crash and burn. I never knew why.
Now that I'm learning the 'why' I'm faced with the seemingly overwhelming task of learning how to be in the world using a completely new instruction manual. I don't know where to start.
I gave up trying to date or have friends 2 years ago because it became too painful. I thought I would just go it alone. I wanted to believe I could but of course I yearn for friendship like anyone else. I feel like such a shit show most of the time around others. The only time I feel ok is when I'm alone. It's depressing.
In this video I related to everything you said. It's a new experience to hear someone talk about how I'm feeling in a positive way. I've been very hard on myself through out my life trying to break out of it. So now I know I'll never escape being this way I'm not quite sure what to do. I feel like I'm too complicated for neurotypicals.
Is there a video on who or how we should date and be friends with? NT's or ASD's? It seems like a ridiculous question but I'm asking it anyway.
I'm tired of being hurt and disappointed trying to fit in and not sure if I can learn a new way at 53. Between the ADHD and ASD being in my head gets exhausting. The frustrating part is I like myself. I just wish I could fit in somewhere.
I appreciate your videos. You remind me of me often I have to laugh. It helps me see why people like me but also how they have trouble being around me.
These vids of his might be what you’re looking for. There’s no such thing as ridiculous questions!
Help I love an aspie (geared towards NTs but still helpful in understanding both sides)-
ua-cam.com/video/vry6Z-JH-hk/v-deo.html
Common miscommunications between aspies and NTs-
ua-cam.com/video/xSkjOd8yuoQ/v-deo.html
There’s likely more out there, but these were the first that popped in my head.
What you've expressed is very much appreciated, Tim....And relatable. Thank you.
everything you said, I feel too!
im 33 and was diagnosed with adhd earlier this year and waiting to get my ASD diagnosis process started atm..its strange to hear this diagnosis after so many others..
54 yrs old here, and I was diagnosed a year ago, so that's a coincidence :-) . As a health care professional, one thing that immediately bothered me about this mid-life diagnosis was the old chestnut about most mental issues becoming worse with age. However, I have a psychiatrist now and his take is that the age thing is only partially true: what makes the difference is insight. Insight helps you "keep up with yourself" and stay self-aware. You definitely have good insight, Tim.
The part about relationships brings your past for you to deal with it is great and inspiring. Thank you, Paul
It was only yesterday that i was telling my counsellor that im over being friends with anyone. They just make my life worse. They are not even friends it feels like. They are just people who's name i know. They only care about me when it is convenient for them.
Maybe it should be over being friends with them. Don't close the door on everyone. There are people out there that will care, and make your life better.
@@jlroussin Even we can learn to stay away from the wrong people. One thing that helps me is to get to know people slowly. That way I can start to see their true colors.
@@jlroussin That is so true! That’s my exact life experience, attracting selfish people.
I’m 25 and never had a romantic relationship or very close friendship despite desiring that every day and being ready for relationships. It feels like an impossibility for me, nobody will take the time to form a relationship and I can’t fit into dating it feels so empty and disappointing/frustrating. I just want to be cuddled, my nervous system is so out of whack after a lifetime of lonliness
I also can’t deal with gendered power dynamics, I feel like everyone wants to manipulate me and if I express that I need a certain level of care, I will be taken advantage of for being perceived vulnerable. I don’t think it’s possible to even get what I need or want as an autistic woman in love
Plus, neurotypical people at least think you’re odd if you never had relationships, making future relationships even less likely
I think I could see the issue, that NT guys specifically might be able to manipulate you for your body and not for romance, seeing as you are an "easy target". Thats rough huh?
@@shinygiveaways1920 spot on, I am naive early on in situationships
Are you still looking? M24 aspie
I still have huge doubts that anyone will be able to put up with all my quirks and necessary non negotiatiables like needing quiet, issues with textures , needing A LOT of alone time, not being able to be spontaneous, being task focused etc etc.
Like, I can barely stand how fussy I have to be for my own sanity, let alone expecting anyone else to deal with that.
You can find someone who is the same and needs their alone time
I am exactly like that lol
Thank you. As mentioned, it is nice to see your unedited work, it makes you very human and normal (I think anyway).
I hope you had a good time in Spain and that it helped you. I have often thought of leaving the rat race to do something like that, coming to terms with the fast changing world we live in and try to find a common denominator. Relationships are so difficult and finding that special person who just accepts is unimaginable for me. I think we live on short lived relationships or those that we can sustain by keeping some distance for a while. I like your analogy of dancing in sinque or dancing alone. That is pretty much how it is.
You're a lovely guy and I think you deserve a really lovely lady in your life. Good on you for all your efforts and thanks for helping us understand ourselves better.
Any exciting dance requires moving apart then back together ❤ Good stuff, Paul!
Hey this is the story of an aspergers from India..
Today after watching this video I am 101 percent sure that I have aspergers. I have some self realisation
1. 90 percent of time my brain becomes stuck/overwhelmed due to n number of thought processing at one point of time.. So that I forgot who I am? I fee lost.. Struggle to keep track of my thinking/feelings
2. I can remember a lot of situation specially in the office where I feel so overwhelmed that I go to washroom to catch some breath/hold my head in a situation I know I can't handle myself.
3.I believe I am not able to understand the feeling of people if they are joking around/serious/ .. I always go very deep into the meaning of conversation with someone so I fail to crack the essence of the topic.
4. I feel most of the time I am very egoistic and can't take jokes etc.. Because I feel nobody is understanding me and my feelings.
5. I don't understand that nobody has the power to hurt me and most of the time they don't want to because they also have feelings.
6. I discovered that it is the fluctuations of emotions which are controling me like sudden joy/anger/jealousy/insecurity etc.
7. If someone's praise can't make me happy why should I worry if they scold me??
8. I believe mixing with kindhearted non aspie people making me understand jokes/more emotions/helping me to take quick decision etc.
9. Most vital thing in this condition is self hurting feelings which overflows all the time and being unnecessary critical of yourself thinking about how others will dislike me
10. I again believe that I have realized these things very late on my thirties which I should have realised probably in my teen age. I blame my condition/bad upbringing /lacknofself awareness for this late realisation..
11. MY GOAL IS TO UNDERSTAND THE WORLD BETTER AND BE MORE EMPHATIC TOWARDS OTHERS...
Love ❤❤❤ to all.
❤
❤
The majority of my relationships have ended badly, all the way back to my childhood until now. in my senior adult years. This is very frustrating to me. I don't want this to happen, but it always does.
Thank you. I have just started a relationship with an Aspie. Since we are on LDR, i admit that it is quite challenging...but he is the most loving person i ever met and things are different when we are together.
People that have Autism don't need to work any job. People can be really mean to people that are different. I prefer to work by myself or with a small group of people. I definitely want to be a spokesman for this disorder cause I know what it's like to live with it
SO FUCKING TRUE BRO, i get treated like a subhuman at my soulcrushing 11 hours a day job, it makes me so angry and sad inside to the point i get aggressive or mean to people or just weird as fuck. working or any kind of socializing with judgemental people is a nightmare, but for whatever reason im still alive at 22 still didnt give up on a good life yet even when i probally wont ever get it (socially)
Yeah! Humans are extremely judgemental, opinionated, and uncaring. This is especially so against those of whom are different.
I'm into my 4th long term relationship (I am 49 now). I just hope, this is the one till I die (she's not neurotypical either). The breakup with the 3rd one already half destroyed me (kicked me out and left me homeless) I have many autistic traits, possibly even Asperger (thoroughly investigated, but not officially tested)
Which traits make it hard
@@wambuikanina6724 Most of them, it seems....I am now in the process of being diagnosed, and there is indeed strong indication of Autism, likely mild as I do have a common sense, and very likely a good dash of ADD too, and Autism and ADD together are a really potent combination. Nothing is in stone yet, but the results won't be far off. One thing is sure though, if this relationshiop breaks, it's game over for me. The last one practically broke me in two and ripped a piece out of me that won't ever grow back (and my current partner knows this. It really changed me). That said, in hindsight, the breakup was in essence my own fault. Which really makes it worse. It's hard to keep a positive mind these days and everyday I have at least a few hours in which I'm in deep morbid thoughts. I still have no work (applied countless times), also no help.
I met my current partner when I was on the brink of being completely destroyed, from the inside and outside. She literally is my saviour. My angel.
Get tested mate
@@turtleanton6539 I did, and as expected I have been diagnosed with both autism and ADD. So it is official now.
NEVER get dependant on women, NEVER! theyre not to be trusted, theyre bound to backstab you because their pairbonding ability is destroyed by all the hookups
Paul: You are Sooo valuable. I'm not cut out for relationships. PERFECT
I'd like friendships/romance, but it's just too hard with my chronic illness. Even forming online friendships is exhausting.
About the final words being lost and the need to talk quickly, I relate with that so much.
This is big in the ADHD community too, not just the talking fast but also the memory trouble
@@terranovarubacha5473 I suspected that I've had it for a while, but I wasn't sure and haven't been diagnosed.
Thanks for the information. Very informative. I felt like just being alone for a long time and thought it would be the best thing for me to do. This year has been a breakthrough for me. With some hard times in between and still lots to learn. I've been watching your videos for a couple months now. You have been really helpful for me finding myself and slowly putting myself back out into society again. Keep up the good work you help so many.
I have to say that I spent 22 years as a friend to someone who had autism and learning disability I was extremely patient and kind, sympathetic and understanding. I even went as far as to have my door open to whatever place I was staying at for them to come if they need to but in return, I just got a lot of verbal abuse, my guy that was pushed by my friend because they're not patient and they were just extremely nosy, and wanted to know things that I found to be too personal to share. It got to the point where they went into my medical records and start, sharing my information with their friend in the room without my permission, and they didn't care. I wind up, having it in my friendship as a result of their behavior, and it hurt to do it too.
I've been burned so much i'm toast bro.
mario condello me too
Yeah, I hear you. Still reeling from last relationship that ended 5 months ago. Screwed me right up.
Love and peace to you 🥺
Same,I can sincerely relate,people have said I'm too serious,not vulnerable enough etc,I've been rejected burned soo much,that I cant take anymore,is why I've held back and just plain given up!!!!
PEOPLE ARE EVIL I TRUST NO ONE
You’re channel has quickly become my favorite. I finally don’t feel like I’m the only one experiencing the world the way I do. Thank you.
Great video mate. I especially liked the fact that you left in the part where you were trying to get back on track and collect your thoughts because it just shows you as more real/genuine. I always wondered if autistic people wanted to relate with others but just struggle on figuring out how to or how to be vulnerable because it just doesn't "make sense" or if they simply don't want to out of choice. Appreciate the insight.
8:05
I found this hilariously relatable. So glad you didn't edit this out.
Relationships are difficult because people today suck. They want all the rewards and none of the work. I used have self centered and cold people in my life until they showed their true colors and I said f*** those people. Now I live in a new state and have 1 of what could be considered a friend.
Same
I hope you realize how wise you are ...
Are you talking to me?
@@xyzct bruh
@@scarynight999 BRUH
Autistic comment section
I told my ex this! We should have been taking breaks from one another instead of breaking up 🤪
Yessss
This makes sense since being autistic means learning behaviors more than intuitively knowing them and to learn you have to encounter what you need to learn and possibly practice. (I'm not certain NTs reliably get relationships either, given how widespread relationship issues are.) I'm gonna fixate a little and say that, based on my history of dance, dancing is a lot less confusing, judgmental and annoying. In dance you can repeat until it works and break it down into each movement. People rarely let me redo conversations or analyze one aspect. .
Skipper! This is so well said.
Yep. I’ve been burned a lot, and I have decided I no longer require friendships.
I love the dancing metaphor, and getting stepped on or elbowed in the face. Issues when communicating can really feel like that. Thanks! Puts it in perspective.
This was super helpful! I've been diagnosed with ADHD and suspect that I may have autism as well (although I haven't taken on that task to do so as of yet). And this has been a thing for me my entire life and seeing it creep up as if late again. Trying to be okay with wanting intimacy and being aftaid of it once it gets hard. It's good to have reminders when the flee mechanism starts kicking in and boy is it in high gear sometimes, even with my cat🤦🏾♀️
I feel that so much of relationship advice has been over explained to me to the point of me just losing motivation.
you just explained it in a very simple way that makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you!
I’m happy it makes sense to you. I was optimistic, for the first few minutes, but unless I missed it, he didn’t make a strong case for the dance/relationship. In other words, I’m left with the thought: “Dancing by myself means that my feet will never get stepped on and I can dance whenever and however I like. I even have the option of dancing with someone when I get bored dancing alone.”
I would like to get a woman’s thoughts on this if you have time to respond, especially if you’re neurodivergent. Not to take anything away from this content creator, but, from my experience, women do an overall better job at explaining things, and are just generally smarter.
i have lost all but two of my friends in the last few years. makes me tear up that you put words into how i've been feeling. feeling like it's my fault and that maybe i'm just not meant to have friends has been so incredibly isolating.
I had this issue with my new best friend a month ago. All of a sudden I realized he and I were getting super close and all this shit that I wasn’t really thinking about started coming up and I haven’t quite been OK since. I’m getting better but I hadn’t really opened my heart up to anyone in a while (and to be frank, I always had this dumb idea that being vulnerable should only be reserved for a romantic partner).
I’m optimistic I’ll get through this but this is such a strange experience for me.
But this video really cleared things up for me! Thank you!
My favorite spectrum that I’ve created is FUN COMFORT
That was extremely relatable and helpful! It helped to affirm some decisions recently made about taking space, so we can grow as individuals and return experience more sweet closeness when we are together... moving to fast led to the quick burnout in our relationship sorta say. This video helps to remind me the importance of nurturing the relationship and remembering with the trauma can come deep healing, some more joyous twirling with one another. Love your vids! Gracia 🙏
Thank you for the great info. “People-ing” is just hard most times. Especially with the saaaaame person. I sometimes just cannot do it and that’s when I get to go dance with myself. I really like your point of view.
Your videos are keeping me grounded in reality while I go though the process of discovering that I'm an Aspie, integrating the ramifications that this way of functioning has had up until this point, and looking deep under the hood into the mechanics involved to propel myself and the other Aspies that seem to pepper my life into being high functioning. This isn't easy, nor has it been! Thank you for making it clearer and sweeter.
Hello I am really enjoying your videos! I met someone over a year ago and we have been talking everyday at least 2 or 3 times a day, I knew he was different from the beginning but have grown to know and understand him and now we see each other as well as just talking everyday...I laughed out loud when you lost your train if thought because this happens to him as well...his thought process is so fast it gets ahead of even his fast speech and then hes lost...and we both laugh..if we laugh long enough he will inevitably remember where he was headed with his last statement...lol! He is 55 and recently diagnosed with aspbergers so I have been reading and listening to videos to educate myself on the subject...I have never met anyone who has retained everything they have ever read or done , he can fix anything, and has often talked me through how to fix something on my car, pressure washer even toilet, like he was looking over my shoulder, hes brilliant.
your take on relationships is really wise. the confrontation aspect and learning to dance together. i knew intrinsically i needed to do that, but having someone else articulate it is validating. i also think it applies much more broadly than just for people with autism, lol.
this dude talks so much sense to me, and I love the way he explains things in such an easy way for me to understand
Thankyou for saying this. I need to honour my meed for time by myself and time with others
I resonate with your analogy very much. I think that's why I loved the 80's club scene so much. "Dancing with Myself" was what we did, but we did it together creating a larger kind of "with" that worked for me. To this day, I have never been able to slow dance properly, "follow" a solitary dance partner. For a woman of my generation, that awkwardness was a significant social impediment in itself.
My feeling on the subject at this time is that I don't try to slow dance with a person who isn't already moving in sync with me. The fact that this means there are very few intimates in my life does not feel like loss to me, but freedom. The ability to be my authentic self is more important to me than greater social acceptance. It means that the few relationships I do have are genuinely healthy and so am I.
Thank you, Paul! I'm on the spectrum and and I am in a budding romantic relationship with a man I've been friends with for several years and is I am almost certain is on the spectrum, as well. With the help of this video, I see now he's been interested in me for quite some time, now. However, he is *terrified* of seeing another relationship crash and burn. My problem has been that my autism made it difficult to recognize his interest and I have been frustrated by how he has pulled away. But your video really helped me see what is going on. Clearly, I need to be patient, don't make any sudden moves and allow him space to process how our relationship is changing. He's a licensed therapist who used videos learn how to do therapy. So at some point I will recommend this one ☺️! Thank you, again!
The dancing analogy really helped me understand why relationships are difficult. Thank you!
Dancing is a great analogy, and the final point, was really worth it! So glad it came back to you, Gold!
I'm a widow was happily married for 27 years and I fell in love with Jim and he's has Asperger's and it's so hard all the tears he brings me when he gets Moody especially when I can't bother him when I need to talk to him because he can't be bothered because he's busy and can't focus on more than one thing at a time and I love him so much but I just don't know how much more I can take there's times I want to see him and talk to him but because he's so obsessed with his time and space it can't be there sometimes when I need him you are so focused on all of your feelings that you cast aside your partner's feelings and I know that's how you guys are but it's extremely painful for us
Paul, thank you for doing these videos. It's helped me in my relationship with an aspie so much.
I received my ASD diagnosis just this week (I'm 28). Relationships have always been a struggle but at least now I have an idea why, and how I can do better.
Yes ! And when you find a girl that likes you, you can inform her whats she is in for and let her do her own research as to what to expect and how to make it work. If she really wants to love you she will do all the research she can on the subject
@@nexusSix_237 Yes! I have an autistic friend,more like a little brother. When I found out he was autistic I did my research as to what to expect. That way when he did something that was rude I didn't take it personally 😃
I'm the NT female in a N-diverse dating relationship over 1 year. This video (and I like many of yours) was super helpful. It described some of our "dance" problems so well and takes away the hopeless "should we even be trying?" feeling. I don't know if my NA partner has a diagnosis or if he watches things like this, but it seems like he must bec things get clearer and better over time. FWIW I asked him once if he considered himself atypical and he asked me what that meant. I said a different way of processing thinking and feeling and he nodded sorta. It feels like an unspoken agreement which normally might not be the most healthy but right now it works in a positive direction for us. Anyway I hope he stumbles across this video. And he is having a helpful therapy, however they're framing the issues.
I love your channel. You are helping the world in great and big ways.
For so long I thought my condition made me act differently to how people expected, but then I realized it was the other way around; people around me are not showing a behavior that I deem acceptable.
I'm unsure whether it's my depression that's adding to the thoughts on things like this but I've become incredibly tired of having 'more friends', like, I don't want anymore, if that makes sense? Just because it's so exhausting now with figuring things out and dealing with the same thing repetitively with different people.
Hi, your comment is interesting. Do you make friends very easily and does everyone want to befriend you?
@@SusieN2011 I can make friends relatively okay, always online first though, I have too much anxiety otherwise
@@SusieN2011 but yeah, people have become very tiring.
Agreed
I've just found this video! You were talking about this topic, thank you so much, Paul! You are no longer bouncing a ball! I really liked when you paused and the fact you actually didn't edit the part of video. Just be who truly you are is your video's one of the most attractive contents. Thank you, I'm benefitting and learning a lot from your videos, Paul!!!
This is so helpful to Teachers who see frustrated children not yet diagnosed with ASD.
Even being a friend with a person is difficult. I’m facing difficulties now, happened in past friendships.
Brilliant video, thanks! You're definitly right about relationships being difficult but challenging Is not always a bad thing.....
My boyfriend and I have autism
Thank you so much for your videos. I love the way you explain things. I can really relate. 👍👍👍
Wow! You are a God sent ❤ There should be more people like you in this world. I want to find nice people and dance with them and enjoy our freedom 🎉 Thank you for sharing your Wisdom
This is relatable for me. I remember in many past relationships making comments like "needing to know you'll be here when I land".