Jonathon sounds incredible. I would NEVER in a million years think to engage with an “imaginary” voice and try to reason with it and ask it what it wants. That’s so smart!!!
“Did you try talking to them?” is the original “Did you reset your modem?” Almost nobody tries it, it doesn’t make sense to them, but it seems to magically fix problems.
Sometimes you don’t have to share to externals, and just need to type it out for yourself to solidify your thoughts and feelings. Hope that had been one of those times. :^3
I'm also ADHD and while I used to have great memory, now it's pretty awful, especially during stressful or traumatic situations. It's like I remember what's going on during the moment, then as soon as it's over, the majority of memories are gone and it's just a snapshot or two of what happened. I also highly suspect having DID or OSDD-1b due to the presence of alters. I'm just always stuck in a limbo between "well, maybe I heard about systems and made everything up as a coping mechanism" and actually recognizing myself as a system. Being a system is scary, but in a way, not being one is even scarier because it means my amnesia and inconsistent personality states is something else entirely lol. I'm not quite sure if DID or OSDD-1b quite fit, though, because I feel like I have more amnesia than typical OSDD-1b systems do, but I'm not sure my alters front enough to qualify for DID. More than feeling like separate people take control, it kinda feels like I become those people. Partially. Part of it is me becoming them and the other part of it is me watching them do stuff while I'm sitting there zoned out, but not really gone, either. Does anyone else experience their alters in this way? So many other systems talk about it feeling like completely separate parts which scares me because mine just feel super blurry and blended and not as clear cut, I suppose. Like, they're definitely not me and have very different personalities and identities, but also couldn't really exist on their own? It's kind of like we all revolve around each other and depend on each other to exist.
That sounds a lot like my experience. I recommend finding a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders. They will be able to help you figure out where you land and how to go forward.
I feel the same way! Since this comment is 6 months old, I’d love to know if you have any updates. I have mild ADHD and as I’ve gotten older and more anxious, my memory is trash and my ADHD is worse. I also didn’t ever think about alters until I started learning about them, which makes me think that I’m hypocondriac-ing myself into thinking I have them. Sometimes I zone out a bit and feel like other personality states, but they mostly feel like versions of myself, or an active imagination wanting to be someone else. It’s confusing! The more I learn, the more confusing it gets
@@royce6485Hi! This is very late but it turns out I think we have pfDID? We can't afford a therapist to get medically recognized right now, unfortunately. We spent another two years in denial, but now we've finally accepted that we're a system! We were very covert back when this was written and didn't realize when we switched or had amnesia. We still seem to revolve a bit around the host personality, which feels a bit invalidating, but I see it as the host is the most important (not really, but like the most relevant?) because they deal with daily life and they're all we've known for so long! We all thought we were the body for so long because our system was so covert, in spite of the changing accents and mannerisms and everything.
@@GianuSystemquestion have u or anyone? heard of the alters being toxic? there's nothing out there on it , everyone just describes the alters as warm happy switches. Why is everyone only describing the dissociations as positive?
I found you on tiktok, you were the first other system out there who I have seen who i felt like hey I really related... those OMG yes thats how it is for me. Similarly to you I was 34 when my system was reactivated 35 when it got to point i broke down and told my therapist... i love seeing how well your system seems to be working together it gives me hope that maybe someday the fighting will stop or at least ease up. Again Thank you!
Hearing your husband's initial reaction was so awe-inspiring. The understanding he had for you right off the bat, even not knowing the details of a potential diagnosis... So amazing. You have quite the partner in life, yall. So happy for you
The disconnection to childhood me is very relatable. My siblings remember a set of ten years that i only have vague flashes of, and know of intellectually. I had gotten into a dangerous relationship, ages 16-21, and i spent a lot of time terrified. I assumed that created some sort of issue remembering. After that relationship, though, i experienced a repetition compulsion, and found myself with others who were dangerous. This pointed to an issue in my family of origin. I still dont know if something happened; i know my parents, one passed and the other would never tell me if something did happen.
It must been a very confusing time for You! Thank you for sharing your story. It probably wasn't easy to remember back some of the situations and emotions from that time of your life, but for sure you've gone a long way in your self-discovery, healing and communication inside.
Wow, thank you so much for your courageous sharing. I'm relating.....I'm not exactly sure what that dynamic is. I've been exploring trauma and IFS work. I also didn't feel anger until I was 23. So I was very struck with that. That you very much again!
Very nice! I'd like you to clarify something. It seems that you are implying that "learning" to switch is a valuable skill. If that's what you meant, that seems to set you apart from some others who see switching as a symptom of an illness, rather than something that helps you get along. I also have an uncomfortable relationship with anger. I used to think that anger was strictly a bad emotion and it seemed like I always got into trouble whenever I felt it or expressed it. I've been learning to feel and express anger in a healthful way. If you haven't already, I would suggest checking out Pete Walker's essays on emotional flashback management (on his website). I've found that most of the time when my anger spirals out of control, it happens in the context of a painful flashback.
I haven't checked that out before. Thank you. And yes, I think learning to switch voluntarily is extremely helpful. With this disorder, involuntary switches happen, but being able to voluntarily have access to alters, let them front for situations is so helpful. Just being able to switch so an alter can be the one fronting in therapy, is beyond useful.
I’ve never heard of a system having this experience, of being the host and actually having to encourage a switch. I thought it was normal for DID people to have switches and blackouts throughout their lives. Is it possible to have altars and never hear a peep from them for so many years? You often hear of people saying “in retrospect it makes sense”. But in this case, it seems like there was genuinely no switching in your adult life until you started going to therapy. Sorry if this is insensitive, I’m just worried because the only thing that has kept me from a OSDD/DID diagnosis is that while I sometimes feel like there are others...I’m always in control.
@@GianuSystem I have a question, can your alters be dormant for your whole life, or at least since you were too young to remember? (like 1-2 years old)
I go into dissociative episodes when something happens that I haven't learned to handle. I'm in one right now. Something about this video keeps pulling me back. I think I need to learn how to process emotions, just like you did.
I relate in this to a lot of things, and I'm really afraid. Once happened, that I felt like a small child. I just wanted milk and hot temperature. I have a traumatic past too with PTSD. And I think Im genderfluid. Sometimes I feel like a strong adult men. Should I talk about it to my therapist? And how can I communicate with these voices when I can hear them, but I dont understand what they are talking about. What should I do?
Hello. I feel like I have been going through an ... awakening? Recontextualization? The past week and I see a lot of my experience in the one you describe here. It feels like the floodgates have opened and I am exhausted. But it's nice to know that I am not alone. Thank for the video.
I know that this is an older video but I just want to say that this video is so validating. I suspect I might be a part of a system, and a lot of your experiences, especially in the beginning, are very relatable. Thank you for making this video.
Hearing you talk about DID makes me feel very safe. I have had similar experiences with the voices , where they argue nonstop. And then whoops, (for me) now the know they exist. Ones ashamed of the other. The other just wants to live and be weird and another ones got control issues (over the system and body). And also i never felt anger until i was 16. Very mellow child. Didn't know that could be bc of trauma. Also yeah idk how to deal with anger too and im bipolar
I don't have DID, but I have had significant, long-ranging trauma and have had some weird experiences similar to yours. I believe we all live on a spectrum of forming internal identity! DID is rare, but some dissociative identity I think is common and no cause for alarm.
Maybe next time I'll be able to listen phone isn't working and people are allowed to commit felonies on it so idk? if it's a tech error or felonies being committed like normal.
When I thought I was a singlet, I always scored strongly INTJ. I I sense that this may change with different alters in my system, but I have real difficulty because the alters don’t remember who they are. They have difficulty c onnecting with a consistent identity, particularly when they’re at the very front, like it’s maybe in my case that will stabilize over time and I can try to correlate specific identities with tests because I think it would be very interesting.
i rarely ever allowed myself to feel anger either - perhaps another "noodle" felt it for me - i relate to this video so much, you have no idea! thank you! @valididmovement
So you started having symptoms later in life after you tried to tap into your emotions? Im trying to understand if the symptoms are always there starting at childhood or can they show up later after we get out of this autopilot state.
@@VsnofecstasyYou have to have physical and emotional safety, to start. Your basic needs have to be met on the daily for a while, and your nervous system will begin to recognize that safety over time. She had developed safety emotionally and physically in her intimate personal relationship with her husband, so her nervous system found the safety needed to remember and be able to process her traumas better than she was able to as a child. If a child’s needs aren’t being met, they tend to blame themselves rather than risk their safety and put the blame where it belongs: On the abusive and/or neglectful caregivers. You get out of it by safety first. That’s how I started remembering my childhood from hell, too. Safety and stability I never experienced as a kid was only available to me as an adult, and then on top of new traumas, I experienced triggers that reminded me what happened to me and around me as a kid. Caused a total mental breakdown for a long season. I’m still recovering from the aftermath of the breakdown 4.75 years later.
I’m a very spiritual person and I dissociate a lot My psychiatrist believes it’s DID after I told him I think it’s what I am dealing with. My friend believes it’s just soul aspects instead of being alters
As a 41 year old who’s been in therapy for 6 years and has been professionally diagnosed and evaluated by multiple therapists, I think it is more cringe to bully people online.
You’re speaking to another human, one that went through extreme childhood trauma and is now neurodivergent because of it. I’m not an entity. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse whose mind stayed in a fractured state to able to cope with the fact that a loved one would do that to me and that I was not safe in my home.
@@GianuSystem The whole entire "system" thing you have going, is TikTok-level nonsense. Even if you were to grant DID is real (big IF even amongst psychs), what you're doing doesn't even make sense in that regard. It's larping. And to see a full grown adult engaged in such childish social-media-generated stuff...
Jonathon sounds incredible. I would NEVER in a million years think to engage with an “imaginary” voice and try to reason with it and ask it what it wants. That’s so smart!!!
“Did you try talking to them?” is the original “Did you reset your modem?” Almost nobody tries it, it doesn’t make sense to them, but it seems to magically fix problems.
I keep writing stuff and deleting it. I'm scared to share. But I'm happy I found your channel. Thank you.
🫂
Sometimes you don’t have to share to externals, and just need to type it out for yourself to solidify your thoughts and feelings. Hope that had been one of those times. :^3
I'm also ADHD and while I used to have great memory, now it's pretty awful, especially during stressful or traumatic situations. It's like I remember what's going on during the moment, then as soon as it's over, the majority of memories are gone and it's just a snapshot or two of what happened. I also highly suspect having DID or OSDD-1b due to the presence of alters. I'm just always stuck in a limbo between "well, maybe I heard about systems and made everything up as a coping mechanism" and actually recognizing myself as a system. Being a system is scary, but in a way, not being one is even scarier because it means my amnesia and inconsistent personality states is something else entirely lol.
I'm not quite sure if DID or OSDD-1b quite fit, though, because I feel like I have more amnesia than typical OSDD-1b systems do, but I'm not sure my alters front enough to qualify for DID. More than feeling like separate people take control, it kinda feels like I become those people. Partially. Part of it is me becoming them and the other part of it is me watching them do stuff while I'm sitting there zoned out, but not really gone, either.
Does anyone else experience their alters in this way? So many other systems talk about it feeling like completely separate parts which scares me because mine just feel super blurry and blended and not as clear cut, I suppose. Like, they're definitely not me and have very different personalities and identities, but also couldn't really exist on their own? It's kind of like we all revolve around each other and depend on each other to exist.
That sounds a lot like my experience. I recommend finding a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders. They will be able to help you figure out where you land and how to go forward.
I feel the same way! Since this comment is 6 months old, I’d love to know if you have any updates. I have mild ADHD and as I’ve gotten older and more anxious, my memory is trash and my ADHD is worse. I also didn’t ever think about alters until I started learning about them, which makes me think that I’m hypocondriac-ing myself into thinking I have them. Sometimes I zone out a bit and feel like other personality states, but they mostly feel like versions of myself, or an active imagination wanting to be someone else. It’s confusing! The more I learn, the more confusing it gets
@@royce6485Hi! This is very late but it turns out I think we have pfDID? We can't afford a therapist to get medically recognized right now, unfortunately. We spent another two years in denial, but now we've finally accepted that we're a system! We were very covert back when this was written and didn't realize when we switched or had amnesia. We still seem to revolve a bit around the host personality, which feels a bit invalidating, but I see it as the host is the most important (not really, but like the most relevant?) because they deal with daily life and they're all we've known for so long! We all thought we were the body for so long because our system was so covert, in spite of the changing accents and mannerisms and everything.
I’m surprised your channel isn’t larger you are a decent speaker and relatable
Thank you. ^_^
@@GianuSystemquestion have u or anyone? heard of the alters being toxic? there's nothing out there on it , everyone just describes the alters as warm happy switches. Why is everyone only describing the dissociations as positive?
I found you on tiktok, you were the first other system out there who I have seen who i felt like hey I really related... those OMG yes thats how it is for me. Similarly to you I was 34 when my system was reactivated 35 when it got to point i broke down and told my therapist... i love seeing how well your system seems to be working together it gives me hope that maybe someday the fighting will stop or at least ease up. Again Thank you!
The whole reason we started putting our stuff online was in hopes it would help other systems. Thank you. *Hugs* Best of luck on your journey!
Hearing your husband's initial reaction was so awe-inspiring. The understanding he had for you right off the bat, even not knowing the details of a potential diagnosis... So amazing. You have quite the partner in life, yall. So happy for you
🥰
The disconnection to childhood me is very relatable. My siblings remember a set of ten years that i only have vague flashes of, and know of intellectually. I had gotten into a dangerous relationship, ages 16-21, and i spent a lot of time terrified. I assumed that created some sort of issue remembering. After that relationship, though, i experienced a repetition compulsion, and found myself with others who were dangerous. This pointed to an issue in my family of origin. I still dont know if something happened; i know my parents, one passed and the other would never tell me if something did happen.
🫂
It must been a very confusing time for You! Thank you for sharing your story. It probably wasn't easy to remember back some of the situations and emotions from that time of your life, but for sure you've gone a long way in your self-discovery, healing and communication inside.
Wow, thank you so much for your courageous sharing. I'm relating.....I'm not exactly sure what that dynamic is. I've been exploring trauma and IFS work. I also didn't feel anger until I was 23. So I was very struck with that. That you very much again!
New late in life discovered system here and so many relatable things here! Thank you for sharing 💜
Sending good vibes your way, thank you for sharing your story.
4 Years late but thank you so much for this. Trying to navigate cptsd and severe dissociative symptoms and this really helped me.
🫂
this was so encouraging and informative. thank you very much!
Very nice! I'd like you to clarify something. It seems that you are implying that "learning" to switch is a valuable skill. If that's what you meant, that seems to set you apart from some others who see switching as a symptom of an illness, rather than something that helps you get along.
I also have an uncomfortable relationship with anger. I used to think that anger was strictly a bad emotion and it seemed like I always got into trouble whenever I felt it or expressed it. I've been learning to feel and express anger in a healthful way. If you haven't already, I would suggest checking out Pete Walker's essays on emotional flashback management (on his website). I've found that most of the time when my anger spirals out of control, it happens in the context of a painful flashback.
I haven't checked that out before. Thank you. And yes, I think learning to switch voluntarily is extremely helpful. With this disorder, involuntary switches happen, but being able to voluntarily have access to alters, let them front for situations is so helpful. Just being able to switch so an alter can be the one fronting in therapy, is beyond useful.
Thank you. That was very informative.
Thanks again. Another listen. Struggling w this potential reality …💞💙👊🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I’ve never heard of a system having this experience, of being the host and actually having to encourage a switch. I thought it was normal for DID people to have switches and blackouts throughout their lives. Is it possible to have altars and never hear a peep from them for so many years?
You often hear of people saying “in retrospect it makes sense”. But in this case, it seems like there was genuinely no switching in your adult life until you started going to therapy.
Sorry if this is insensitive, I’m just worried because the only thing that has kept me from a OSDD/DID diagnosis is that while I sometimes feel like there are others...I’m always in control.
My system was dormant for years until I was “ready” apparently. I had no idea pre-therapy.
@@GianuSystem I have a question, can your alters be dormant for your whole life, or at least since you were too young to remember? (like 1-2 years old)
i hope we can find a jonathon in life, he sounds amazing. [hearing his reaction brought me to tears :
I go into dissociative episodes when something happens that I haven't learned to handle. I'm in one right now. Something about this video keeps pulling me back. I think I need to learn how to process emotions, just like you did.
@Daathiel can you expand on this? 🙏
I relate in this to a lot of things, and I'm really afraid. Once happened, that I felt like a small child. I just wanted milk and hot temperature. I have a traumatic past too with PTSD. And I think Im genderfluid. Sometimes I feel like a strong adult men. Should I talk about it to my therapist? And how can I communicate with these voices when I can hear them, but I dont understand what they are talking about. What should I do?
Hey friend. Definitely talk to a therapist about this. In my experience, better communication comes with practice, with trying to talk and listen.
Hello. I feel like I have been going through an ... awakening? Recontextualization? The past week and I see a lot of my experience in the one you describe here. It feels like the floodgates have opened and I am exhausted. But it's nice to know that I am not alone. Thank for the video.
🫂
I know that this is an older video but I just want to say that this video is so validating. I suspect I might be a part of a system, and a lot of your experiences, especially in the beginning, are very relatable. Thank you for making this video.
Hearing you talk about DID makes me feel very safe. I have had similar experiences with the voices , where they argue nonstop. And then whoops, (for me) now the know they exist. Ones ashamed of the other. The other just wants to live and be weird and another ones got control issues (over the system and body).
And also i never felt anger until i was 16. Very mellow child. Didn't know that could be bc of trauma. Also yeah idk how to deal with anger too and im bipolar
I don't have DID, but I have had significant, long-ranging trauma and have had some weird experiences similar to yours. I believe we all live on a spectrum of forming internal identity! DID is rare, but some dissociative identity I think is common and no cause for alarm.
Thank you!!!
^_^
Maybe next time I'll be able to listen phone isn't working and people are allowed to commit felonies on it so idk? if it's a tech error or felonies being committed like normal.
When I thought I was a singlet, I always scored strongly INTJ. I I sense that this may change with different alters in my system, but I have real difficulty because the alters don’t remember who they are. They have difficulty c
onnecting with a consistent identity, particularly when they’re at the very front, like it’s maybe in my case that will stabilize over time and I can try to correlate specific identities with tests because I think it would be very interesting.
i rarely ever allowed myself to feel anger either - perhaps another "noodle" felt it for me - i relate to this video so much, you have no idea! thank you! @valididmovement
So you started having symptoms later in life after you tried to tap into your emotions? Im trying to understand if the symptoms are always there starting at childhood or can they show up later after we get out of this autopilot state.
I've lived my whole life in autopilot and have no clue who I am. I have this vague memory of my life it feels like a lucid dream
Symptoms were there before, but I didn’t notice them until I got out of autopilot (dissociation like 24/7).
@@GianuSystem how did you get out of autopilot? I feel like my life is a waste because of it.
@@GianuSystem how did you get out of autopilot? I been struggling with this.
@@VsnofecstasyYou have to have physical and emotional safety, to start. Your basic needs have to be met on the daily for a while, and your nervous system will begin to recognize that safety over time.
She had developed safety emotionally and physically in her intimate personal relationship with her husband, so her nervous system found the safety needed to remember and be able to process her traumas better than she was able to as a child.
If a child’s needs aren’t being met, they tend to blame themselves rather than risk their safety and put the blame where it belongs: On the abusive and/or neglectful caregivers.
You get out of it by safety first. That’s how I started remembering my childhood from hell, too. Safety and stability I never experienced as a kid was only available to me as an adult, and then on top of new traumas, I experienced triggers that reminded me what happened to me and around me as a kid. Caused a total mental breakdown for a long season.
I’m still recovering from the aftermath of the breakdown 4.75 years later.
john you. yes me you. what is it they are trying to do? they know not..
I’m a very spiritual person and I dissociate a lot
My psychiatrist believes it’s DID after I told him I think it’s what I am dealing with. My friend believes it’s just soul aspects instead of being alters
We’re also very spiritual. And perhaps, these are different words for the same things, but a soul aspect fractured.
You did have or you do have?
I have, but I didn’t know I had it earlier.
You somehow remind me a Teal swan.
good acting
What you mean, she faking DID ?
Nonsense. Grow up. It's cringe enough when teens on Tiktok do this.
As a 41 year old who’s been in therapy for 6 years and has been professionally diagnosed and evaluated by multiple therapists, I think it is more cringe to bully people online.
@@GianuSystem What entity am I speaking to? lol
You’re speaking to another human, one that went through extreme childhood trauma and is now neurodivergent because of it. I’m not an entity. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse whose mind stayed in a fractured state to able to cope with the fact that a loved one would do that to me and that I was not safe in my home.
@@GianuSystem The whole entire "system" thing you have going, is TikTok-level nonsense. Even if you were to grant DID is real (big IF even amongst psychs), what you're doing doesn't even make sense in that regard. It's larping. And to see a full grown adult engaged in such childish social-media-generated stuff...
@@GianuSystem PS: Which alter is this right now? (spooky)