Dr May, im really grateful for your content, but especially this video. Reframing shame as a survival response that was more than ok has been deeply healing for me. You have such a natural way of delivering these heavy topics and bringing lightness and safety to learning more about them. Thank you!
Thank you, I feel very alone right now after getting out of detox. I feel very disappointed with my life, i appreciate what you are doing to help people who feel like me. 👍
I wrote down the five shame questions and realized that one part of me that carries a specific shame gives me an identity. With BPD - identity is a struggle. Carrying this shame feels difficult to transform as I feel like I am losing a part of myself when I struggle to see who I am out there in the world - and when I look in the mirror. This video is so very helpful. Thank you Dr. May....
Your degree allows you to have a command of the subject. But your good hearted, New York, common sense style of speaking brings the material down to earth for each of us to appreciate.
My parents would sometimes say "I still love you" but I did NOT feel loved by that, so I don't think that's a repair? Because it wasn't like holding me and telling me it's ok and that I'm ok, it was more like well you're even worse for not feeling loved, so it was basically even more shaming. It was said in a stern voice with no physical contact. Or I think sometimes they would force me to hug them, when I didn't want to. Which did not make me feel loved, it made feel like what I wanted didn't count; that we were going to look like happy family even when we so clearly weren't. Which I guess is just more shaming, because I'm the one who isn't happy and isn't ok even though I have parents that hug me, because the context (that I said no and they hugged me anyway) didn't matter to them, it was just another thing they shamed me about with something like "you don't love me after all I do for you? What is wrong with you?" Also the questions at like 34:35 - I wouldn't say shame was adaptive for me in the sense that I choose it when other options would have worked. I can remember times where if I didn't hide how I felt (causing shame) and/or if I didn't display feelings of shame, I was screamed at and/or hit. At least in some cases for me, shame wasn't one of multiple options, it was shoved down my throat as the only way to avoid physical assault from my (much larger & stronger than I was at the time) parents. I find that I sometimes struggle with getting better because for so many years anything I did to try to heal from the trauma was met with more traumatizing abuse from my parents. Many behavior therapies teach that punishment doesn't change behavior, and I agree unless the punishment causes trauma, then said punishment causes PTSD and/or C-PTSD that does change behavior. The issue being that anything that starts to cause recovery from the trauma makes the punishment "not work" and the abuser responds to this "misbehavior" with more abusive traumatizing punishment (or at least my abusers did).
Thanks m so sorry to hear about this very painful experience of being shamed by your parents. Are you still living with them? It seems like being at home in that toxic atmosphere would make it extremely hard to make progress toward healing.
I love your videos. They are a great help. I do have a question, though. This notion that shame WAS adaptive makes me wonder why the past tense? As an adult, there are many, many instances of making myself small and quiet in order to, say, keep employed. There are many examples in my adult life when expressing my intelligence or skill out loud would have caused serious harm to my job security. Personal safety and security adaptations happen in my adulthood every day. So, why the past tense there?
Hi Merzui, Thanks for your comment. I appreciate the point you are making, and I think there is validity to it. At the same time, I also believe that there are ways we can make wise mind decisions about how best to adapt in our present lives that are not based in shame. For example, I can know when to keep my mouth shut and when not to intervene in something when it might be socially or physically dangerous to do it, but it's my wise mind and intuition driving the decision and not my shame. Generally speaking, people experience shame to be toxic and debilitating, so I can't say I'd "promote" shame. But there's a time and a place for everything, and as I discuss in the RO DBT video I have about shame and other self-conscious emotions such as embarrassment, guilt, and humiliation (Flexible Mind SAGE), it does have some evolutionary adaptive value that we can still recognize.
Just listening to your kind tone released so much shame from me
Oh wow… thanks so much. I’m glad to hear! ❤️
Dr May, im really grateful for your content, but especially this video. Reframing shame as a survival response that was more than ok has been deeply healing for me. You have such a natural way of delivering these heavy topics and bringing lightness and safety to learning more about them. Thank you!
Thanks so much for your kind words. I’m glad you found this video and topic helpful, and I appreciate your letting me know! ❤️🙏
Thank you, I feel very alone right now after getting out of detox. I feel very disappointed with my life, i appreciate what you are doing to help people who feel like me. 👍
Thank you. Glad to help how I can!
Ive listened a 4th time with some others. Excellent share, thank you so much! ❤️🔥💯
Thanks so much! 🙏
I wrote down the five shame questions and realized that one part of me that carries a specific shame gives me an identity. With BPD - identity is a struggle. Carrying this shame feels difficult to transform as I feel like I am losing a part of myself when I struggle to see who I am out there in the world - and when I look in the mirror. This video is so very helpful. Thank you Dr. May....
Thanks Stephanie. I’m glad you gained a new insight. 💕
Your degree allows you to have a command of the subject. But your good hearted, New York, common sense style of speaking brings the material down to earth for each of us to appreciate.
That’s a great compliment. Many thanks! 🙏
I appreciate your videos. I use them as an educational supplement to Dbt therapy. Thank you
Thanks so much for watching. I’m glad they’re helping to supplement your treatment. ❤️🙏
My parents would sometimes say "I still love you" but I did NOT feel loved by that, so I don't think that's a repair? Because it wasn't like holding me and telling me it's ok and that I'm ok, it was more like well you're even worse for not feeling loved, so it was basically even more shaming. It was said in a stern voice with no physical contact. Or I think sometimes they would force me to hug them, when I didn't want to. Which did not make me feel loved, it made feel like what I wanted didn't count; that we were going to look like happy family even when we so clearly weren't. Which I guess is just more shaming, because I'm the one who isn't happy and isn't ok even though I have parents that hug me, because the context (that I said no and they hugged me anyway) didn't matter to them, it was just another thing they shamed me about with something like "you don't love me after all I do for you? What is wrong with you?"
Also the questions at like 34:35 - I wouldn't say shame was adaptive for me in the sense that I choose it when other options would have worked. I can remember times where if I didn't hide how I felt (causing shame) and/or if I didn't display feelings of shame, I was screamed at and/or hit. At least in some cases for me, shame wasn't one of multiple options, it was shoved down my throat as the only way to avoid physical assault from my (much larger & stronger than I was at the time) parents.
I find that I sometimes struggle with getting better because for so many years anything I did to try to heal from the trauma was met with more traumatizing abuse from my parents. Many behavior therapies teach that punishment doesn't change behavior, and I agree unless the punishment causes trauma, then said punishment causes PTSD and/or C-PTSD that does change behavior. The issue being that anything that starts to cause recovery from the trauma makes the punishment "not work" and the abuser responds to this "misbehavior" with more abusive traumatizing punishment (or at least my abusers did).
Thanks m so sorry to hear about this very painful experience of being shamed by your parents. Are you still living with them? It seems like being at home in that toxic atmosphere would make it extremely hard to make progress toward healing.
Definitely helpful! Thank you
Thank you for doing these videos.
You’re welcome! Thanks for watching. 😊
Amazing
I love your videos. They are a great help. I do have a question, though. This notion that shame WAS adaptive makes me wonder why the past tense? As an adult, there are many, many instances of making myself small and quiet in order to, say, keep employed. There are many examples in my adult life when expressing my intelligence or skill out loud would have caused serious harm to my job security. Personal safety and security adaptations happen in my adulthood every day. So, why the past tense there?
Hi Merzui,
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate the point you are making, and I think there is validity to it.
At the same time, I also believe that there are ways we can make wise mind decisions about how best to adapt in our present lives that are not based in shame. For example, I can know when to keep my mouth shut and when not to intervene in something when it might be socially or physically dangerous to do it, but it's my wise mind and intuition driving the decision and not my shame.
Generally speaking, people experience shame to be toxic and debilitating, so I can't say I'd "promote" shame. But there's a time and a place for everything, and as I discuss in the RO DBT video I have about shame and other self-conscious emotions such as embarrassment, guilt, and humiliation (Flexible Mind SAGE), it does have some evolutionary adaptive value that we can still recognize.