Wow, the symbolism of healing there is incredible. Thank you Devi for being so strong and for sharing this with us. EMDR makes us really nervous, this helps. Your vulnerability is a special kind of beautiful. We see you. 🫂
This comment is coming a month after you uploaded, so I don't know if you or anyone else will see it. I don't know if I am dealing with DID (I don't think so, but...), OSDD (which is probably more likely, but...), or just minimal dissociation as a coping strategy (which is a component of both and other "personality disorders"). I have followed your journey off and on since you started posting (and I mean "you" both collectively and as individuals), and what I observe with you is so much more relatable than other systems I have observed on UA-cam from time to time. Some of the others seem to be more "entertaining," and though I would never attempt to invalidate another's experience bc all of us are unique and different (and anyone who gets on a platform and actively talks about any kind of mental health challenges has something going on even if it's not the thing they are portraying) your life posts seem to resonate the most with mine. Part of it is your biological age (I am 48) and current lifestyle (I am married, no bio children, but my husband has 2 daughters that I claim as well as 3 girlfriends whose children refer to me as "fairy godmother" - I'm a big TinkerBell fan - or Aunt Sue). I know I am biologically older than you, but listening to one of your other posts, Caleb talked about some of your team getting "stuck" at 16 and then at 22. I know I am 48, but I feel like I never left my 20s. It sounds weird, and I've never talked about it to anyone, only recently realizing it myself. Another thing is when your team "took away the emotional attachment" of the holidays. That is where most of my dissociation comes from. I do have gaps in my "active memory" meaning that I don't remember things that happened at certain times in my life when I think about them, like when I was in elementary school, for example, but if someone or something triggers a specific memory, it's like I'm watching the news or a movie. I know it happened, I know it was me, but I have absolutely no emotional attachment. This was a most excellent strategy for me (who wants to remember trauma as related to themselves) until my Mom went home about a year and a half ago. I still struggle with the "d" word. I work in health care, and it was the only time in 25 years of practicing PT in multiple settings that I have done CPR on a live person and not a practice dummy. And of course, that was traumatic. And then I started to "forget" her, and it was like losing her all over again. This was the catalyst that got me back into therapy again, and for real this time. I have been "officially" diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and depression, and my therapist is aware of the emotional dissociation. I have always felt that I had an "alter ego," and that she was the "fun one," but over the past year or so, I have "identified" around 12 distinct "personalities" or "aspects" of myself that perform specific duties or specialize in specific skills such as organization, healing, home and hearth, spirituality, intimacy, etc. Each has her own name, likes and dislikes, and I can "see" them with my mind's eye when I think about them. They are all unique and different, but have parts that are like me. My husband has even asked me if I realized that I have so many different "looks," and I have never really told him about all of my "sisters." I can look at myself in the mirror, and I obviously look like me, but I can tell which one is having the most influence by the way I am dressed, the hair and makeup, the facial expressions, etc, and I can also tell by the mannerisms, reactions/responses, and sometimes the motivation/energy level. The thing is, I (me, Susan) am always present, and can be present alone or "with others," but none of them have ever been present without me-at least not to my knowledge. There have been times when I have been "on autopilot," like I have been watching myself in a situation, but I have never "blacked out" or not remembered what I did, where I was, or what happened immediately following an incident. It's like it takes a while for Emily (she's the "professor" and the one who separates and stores the memories and emotions) to sort and file and decide what is important enough to be remembered, harmful enough to be "stored," or usless/non-applicable enough to be discarded. This has been a lengthy comment, and you and this community have no idea how cathartic it has been for me to finally have a place (besides my journal) to openly share this weird, wonderful, unique, concerning, multifaceted, and highly influential portion of my life (both daily and as a whole). And Devi, as I am in the process of coming back from a very dark place, it does feel good to feel good, and it is overwhelming at times. And it's scary to wonder how long it will last. And it definitely beats being in the darkness with little - if any - light. Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for sharing this vulnerable moment.💜
Wow, the symbolism of healing there is incredible. Thank you Devi for being so strong and for sharing this with us. EMDR makes us really nervous, this helps. Your vulnerability is a special kind of beautiful. We see you. 🫂
You and your system are cared for. 😊
Congratulations, Devi! This video was great, the metaphor is spot on. So glad you are healing.
So happy to hear about your healing breakthrough!
❤😢🥰 thank you for sharing, Devi!! I'm so glad that this has been helping you and that you were able to experience happiness! ❤
Thank you so much for sharing, this gives me hope
Thank you. This gives me hope. -Scara
❤🩹 Thanks for sharing this moment with us.
This comment is coming a month after you uploaded, so I don't know if you or anyone else will see it. I don't know if I am dealing with DID (I don't think so, but...), OSDD (which is probably more likely, but...), or just minimal dissociation as a coping strategy (which is a component of both and other "personality disorders"). I have followed your journey off and on since you started posting (and I mean "you" both collectively and as individuals), and what I observe with you is so much more relatable than other systems I have observed on UA-cam from time to time. Some of the others seem to be more "entertaining," and though I would never attempt to invalidate another's experience bc all of us are unique and different (and anyone who gets on a platform and actively talks about any kind of mental health challenges has something going on even if it's not the thing they are portraying) your life posts seem to resonate the most with mine. Part of it is your biological age (I am 48) and current lifestyle (I am married, no bio children, but my husband has 2 daughters that I claim as well as 3 girlfriends whose children refer to me as "fairy godmother" - I'm a big TinkerBell fan - or Aunt Sue). I know I am biologically older than you, but listening to one of your other posts, Caleb talked about some of your team getting "stuck" at 16 and then at 22. I know I am 48, but I feel like I never left my 20s. It sounds weird, and I've never talked about it to anyone, only recently realizing it myself. Another thing is when your team "took away the emotional attachment" of the holidays. That is where most of my dissociation comes from. I do have gaps in my "active memory" meaning that I don't remember things that happened at certain times in my life when I think about them, like when I was in elementary school, for example, but if someone or something triggers a specific memory, it's like I'm watching the news or a movie. I know it happened, I know it was me, but I have absolutely no emotional attachment. This was a most excellent strategy for me (who wants to remember trauma as related to themselves) until my Mom went home about a year and a half ago. I still struggle with the "d" word. I work in health care, and it was the only time in 25 years of practicing PT in multiple settings that I have done CPR on a live person and not a practice dummy. And of course, that was traumatic. And then I started to "forget" her, and it was like losing her all over again. This was the catalyst that got me back into therapy again, and for real this time. I have been "officially" diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and depression, and my therapist is aware of the emotional dissociation. I have always felt that I had an "alter ego," and that she was the "fun one," but over the past year or so, I have "identified" around 12 distinct "personalities" or "aspects" of myself that perform specific duties or specialize in specific skills such as organization, healing, home and hearth, spirituality, intimacy, etc. Each has her own name, likes and dislikes, and I can "see" them with my mind's eye when I think about them. They are all unique and different, but have parts that are like me. My husband has even asked me if I realized that I have so many different "looks," and I have never really told him about all of my "sisters." I can look at myself in the mirror, and I obviously look like me, but I can tell which one is having the most influence by the way I am dressed, the hair and makeup, the facial expressions, etc, and I can also tell by the mannerisms, reactions/responses, and sometimes the motivation/energy level. The thing is, I (me, Susan) am always present, and can be present alone or "with others," but none of them have ever been present without me-at least not to my knowledge. There have been times when I have been "on autopilot," like I have been watching myself in a situation, but I have never "blacked out" or not remembered what I did, where I was, or what happened immediately following an incident. It's like it takes a while for Emily (she's the "professor" and the one who separates and stores the memories and emotions) to sort and file and decide what is important enough to be remembered, harmful enough to be "stored," or usless/non-applicable enough to be discarded. This has been a lengthy comment, and you and this community have no idea how cathartic it has been for me to finally have a place (besides my journal) to openly share this weird, wonderful, unique, concerning, multifaceted, and highly influential portion of my life (both daily and as a whole). And Devi, as I am in the process of coming back from a very dark place, it does feel good to feel good, and it is overwhelming at times. And it's scary to wonder how long it will last. And it definitely beats being in the darkness with little - if any - light. Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
You are seen. ((Hugs))
❤️
🫂 🥲