It is amazing to me how I can spend months binge watching videos about my attachment style and my partner's attachment style, but the second he starts deactivating, I completely forget everything and start worrying when he's pulling away that it's my fault and that he's going to abandon me any minute lol
I've experienced this again... now im aware of patterns of a DA, no matter what, i feel for her, i love her and am willing to help thru deactivation.... It's tough, but i empathize..... i wish she'd reconize that... but she's deactivating.. I'm no loner anxious, im secure, confident, and patient.... It's tough, but she's worth it, and i feel for DAs..... love persists, love is patient, and kind...no mattrer how frustrating, be the rock for them!!! Best of luck, everyone
I was married to a DA for 20 years and dated a DA for 2 years after. Pushing away someone you care for without explanation is mentally abusive. I'll never subject myself to that treatment again.
It's like you know me better than I know myself. Deactivating feels like you're boxed off in your own world but with zero self awareness. Being there for someone else feels like doing really complicated math while sitting next to a neumatic drill.
1) D.A. avoid vulnerability 2)push emotions down. Possibly repressed. Denied 3)fears - feelings 4)fear being weak something is wrong with me. Pulls away due to being to vulnerable ( in their mind) then takes days or months to process. So they fell of the face of the earth- avoidance of feelings, topic and processing. 5) may recognize they feel vulnerable around certain ppl and believe it's their fault. ( Don't know it's their stuff, being triggered). 6)feel like their is no way to deal with degrees of conflict. 7) Have less emotional bandwidth because the constantly push down feelings. Feel shame
I have studied, adjusted and understood, unfortunately until a DA accepts there is an opportunity to unlearn or address the behaviors, it's impossible to build healthy bonds. I am pro-understanding, but I am now having to show up for myself, leave the connection. It's a pity because he might never understand how beautiful it is to connect... I pray this is not the case for him.
I couldn’t have said this better myself! The real pain is the DA not fully experiencing the beauty of true intimacy & connection. My heart bleeds for him with that but like you said, you get to the point where there’s nothing you can do but pray for them. I can’t appreciate Thais enough for her knowledge! I find strength in her videos but the pain is soul wrenching.
M B I am so sorry! Before I got down to the part where you said he may be lying, that’s what I was thinking because 7 months is way too fast to be engaged to another. I’m worried that your story will become mine. It just seems so unfair for you to invest in those 3 years just to have it “tossed” aside. I hope you can find some peace. I know it’s so heart wrenching. I just keep reminding myself of Thais’s words when she says to make sure we hold to our boundaries and not give in to our non-negotiables. Keep your chin up. Good things will happen to you & one day you will find that someone who will give so much to you in return.
@@EMBEEMusic23 there is so much hurt in your message. Sounds like your relationship is extremely toxic given the instability and presumed game playing. Maybe it's time you gave this a real think. Is it doing you any good, is this what love is supposed to feel like, do you want this for yourself. Try separate the person when you ask that question. If it were anyone else, what would you think. Step outside of your emotional self, look at who she is and then decide if that is you. All the best 💕
Understanding why DAs are deactivating (as well as the rest of their colorful cache of super-fun protest and distancing behaviors) changes nothing about how I experience them. And at this point, my experience is the only thing I care about. Blessings to the rare, unicorn DAs who are actually interested in doing the work on themselves to heal this stuff, but I'm no longer available to be a partner for these types to work out said stuff.
I love your content, but I think it would be great to have some content contrasting the difference between da and this person just isn’t invested/into you. I assume being secure ourselves helps to delineate the two, but sometimes I think hope can cloud our judgment, especially for the anxious preoccupied
Omg yes please do the video about of the strategies to overcome the deactivating strategies! Loved the video, you are so clear and excelente communicator!
I am interested in both how the DA handles the fear based Deactivating Strategy and the Partner of the DA. This is what was happening to me and I was completely unaware of how the DA handled distancing, when things got to close. Thank you
Perfect timing on this! I have been wanting to ask why you guys think a DA that has ghosted you for months (do to a stressful situation) would later be sneaking around online every week and be spooking on your instagram stories (so busted tho) but not be taking any actions to pop back up into your life? And then when you reach out to the DA to break the silence,.. had some small talk and the person eventually surprises you days later with an vague apology for what had went down earlier this year... Kinda went like this "I'm apologizing basically for the person I was and for everything really, hope there's no hard feelings and that you're good".. So you answer the same day but then *puff* the DA went ghost again without even had open your response. Now 10 days and counting... 🤷🏽♀️ Why? Why apologize and then go and do the same thing you apologize for? 🤔 My own guess: Too afraid to see or hear what I have to say or to own up to the consequences for their actions. Any ideas? 🙏
I’m pretty sure that your guess is totally correct. Fear + avoiding feelings that may come up. This reminds me small children hiding their eyes with hands thinking that nobody sees them this way :)
There is no excuse for ghosting sorry. Especially done twice. Whatever the reason is, it is the lowest of the lowest behaviour and you deserve much more. You don't need to hate the ghoster, but you do need to and deserve to keep yourself away from that toxicity.
@@heyowazzup8900 omg I texted that exact imagery when trying to show the ex-DA what I saw him doing for all the world to see - thinking it could make him self-aware. Of course at the time I didn't know there was such a thing as these attachment styles - but yes, he was about as discreet as a child with their hands over their eyes - meaning they don't see anything and therefore there is nothing to see here
I'm mostly DA, and some FA. My partner is somewhere between secure and FA because they had so many different parental figures. These videos are so helpful for me learning to recognize my destructive behaviors. I'm also working with a therapist who is helping my identity steps I can take and providing encouragement
thank you for this video. I'm a DA and i weren't fully realizing that i was deactivating. I'm going through heartbreak, so there's a lot of uncomfortable emotions. Even though i'm recovering (from being a DA) i realized that i was crawling slowly back to my old habits.
08:01 Yes, please! Videos for both the DA and their partner! My DA is going through a depressive episode, taking medication, and I feel he's 100% deactivated for a few months now. I wonder how to cope with this and how to help him. I've pulled back so as not to pressure him, but made it clear that I'm here for him in any case. It's hard, and I can see how hard it is on him, too.
There are better stable people in the world. Our goals are to be stable and understand ourselves. If you had a car that was a lemon and was breaking down every other week you would stop putting money into it and time. You will realize that this is not going to get me what I want in life with stability and love. You would get rid of that car and get a new one, something that's dependable, something that will protect you and not leave you or break down when you need them the most. I know it hurts I've been there for 13 years it's time to let go and find someone that is more like you and doesn't run away. Best of luck
Do you think you get the most engagement on your DA videos? I know a DA and I’ve never met a more caring person who makes me feel sad. It’s such a dichotomy. I’m sure it would break her heart if she knew how much her deactivating hurts me because she’s been there for me in tough times a lot
"I've never met a more caring person who makes me feel sad". I've come up with my own ways of explaining that about my DA ex before. Like there were red flags but zero maliciousness. Red flags but he was so genuinely sweet and sensitive, etc... But I always felt like it was lacking. You said it perfectly. Simple but profound. Thank you.
My DA partner deactivates when he gets stressed at work... He is a typical DA at work with his work ethic & I think he feels criticised & hates when he things are unfair... ... He opens up & off loads to me but then pulls away....I think to self soothe from the work issues & because he's shown a vulnerable side to me... So it's a double whammy... . I'm anxious so I feel this really hard... After watching your videos I'm trying to communicate better & more understanding when he withdraws... 1st time last night I told him how I feel when he withdraws.... He responded better than he has in the past... But I don't know how long he needs his space for... He's like a yoyo.. It's been a long term work stress issue...
Hi Thais, brilliant video. Your DA videos are really helping me understand the DAs in my life. Would love to see a video for others to deal with DA deactivating strategies. TIA.
Carolina Neves My deactivating strategies are definitely fear-based and protective. I have avoided serious relationships since my divorce 17 years ago. I am 46. Since then I have had maybe 4 relationships that never made it past 6 months. I am very independent and a kind and happy person. I just couldn’t put myself in a position to be hurt so I avoided it altogether. ‘Happy’ to be single. The truth is I do not want to be on my own anymore and this guy showed me that. I have so many regrets about that relationship but I only discovered attachment styles the week after we broke up. We are no contact. I am happy to answer any questions you have.
I have been with my DA fella now 6 1/2 years. He is the love of my life. I am a recovering anxious leaning secure. Very self aware now. He never deactivated until the 3 yr mark. In the past 3 1/2 yrs he’s done it 3 x. 8 weeks, second was for 6 months and now he just deactivated 1 week ago. I’m 64. I’m a FT Nanny. In good health but he is mentally and emotionally exhausting me. We have 3 major upcoming events coming up. I am I the middle of giving him space. But how/when do I reach out? I live 10 min from him but afraid of any deactivation rage he might exert. Please help me understand and navigate! GeeGee
Would love one of the webinars to be in depth how to overcome deactivating for a DA, I deactivate and always think it’s cause I just don’t have feelings for that person anymore, but this is eye opening. It’s exhausting.
Yes, I would love to know as someone with a DA, how I can help with not triggering these deactivating strategies or at least know how to minimize the damage when I have
My boyfriend left me for someone who only wants him for money 💰 He's happier that way. With me...all I wanted was to love him. We were so close that we feel asleep holding hands. It was the most beautiful relationship I have ever had. But, also the most painful.
I could do a video discussing my interactions with the DA aka "science project" for about two hours.. A lot lot lot of give and take, but turned more into take... He was so confident and felt in his comfort zone through the phone, but in person a completely different person. He has lot of discovery and development within himself to work on and cannot begin to even bring in others into his focus and that is okay, but still is hurtful and crushing. For example, he even said that having roommates is enough for him to have a connection, but with me he doesn't see that purpose to include me in his time, it's all about convenience for him and that is all i needed to know. Ironically, I live right around the block and we have been involved for 2 years. These are new roommates. It's the casual and convenience he can work with; even though that is what i want as well... It's just like wow okay.. ouch! It's like constantly dangling a carrot and never getting close to obtaining it.. I don't need to work for acceptance, attention and acknowledgement baby, it's a two way street.. like i said, he has a lot to learn about, just about everything and I wish him luck!!!
Definitely would appreciate a follow up video.... Would be massively helpful as I am AP & partner is DA.... 7 years push/pulling but love each other to bits & want it to work
Could you possibly do a video on what is the best way to approach the topic or ask a DA what their needs are and how you can best meet those needs? I am reluctant to ask because they hate to talk about themselves or the details of their life. I think it’s because it makes them feel vulnerable. So I hate to ask and put them in that uncomfortable position. I feel like by asking, I’m causing them to “suck back into their shell”? Since they always seem to not need anything or accept anything, it’s hard to try to identify or figure out their needs are? If you ask how their day or their week was, for example, they tend to avoid the question and keep everything really high level. If you try to offer them some sort of help or service, they tend to decline it. If you try to do something nice or give them some thing like a gift, they may feel there’s some sort of ulterior motive if they’re mistrusting. It’s almost like you’re in a no-win situation?
So I watched this basically to explain to someone I love on how they act and why they might act that way. Background: she is my ex of 2 years and my best friend for 10 years. I use to know everything about her when we were best friend. As soon as intimacy comes into play, she pulls away. One piece of advice, don’t be scared about setting boundaries. Set your boundaries and if they aren’t respected walk away. It’s not worth the pain and suffering. The other party will feel no remorse. If they show you they want to unlearn these behaviours then be supportive and provide a safe space to work through it all. Either you’ll find the most amazing ending or you’ll find that with someone else who is willing to give you what you need.
Thank you for this, Thais. Would love to know more about the first (fear-based) deactivating strategy as the example you described happened exactly to me from the receiving end. You can see there is a desperate need for connection and a deep level of interest from the DA's side but this push and pull dynamic is making it impossible to move anything forward. I've come to the conclusion to just let them go at this point and if they find their way so be it, but it's just really hard to manage your self-esteem when you are the receiver. How can someone want you to connect with you so deeply yet get so scared and disappear when you do? Oh god 🙈
Exactly my situation its been almost 8 months of No Contact (my choice to Implement) I had to absolutely just let him go its heart breaking but some leave you no choice. One good thing I have learned during this is about attachment styles and I now have that lost piece of the puzzle I was miss for this experience with my first and only DA. I wish nothing but healing for him but I don't believe he will ever look at his trauma and that is such a sad way to live especially when there are so many people willing to for said relationship and or friendships.
@@shannond8029 Absolutely. I'm glad you've moved on - it is a very bittersweet experience to go through and attachment styles can help you let go of the "could have beens", and "should have beens".
I would definitely appreciate a video on how to respond to these behaviors in a friend or partner!! I think I totally alienated someone I really cared about by pushing him too much. I want to avoid making the same mistakes again. Thank you for your amazing content as always!!
So after sexual encounters, DA’s commonly withdraw for several days. I feel like at this point they are grappling to process that level of intimacy, which made them uncomfortable. Like it was fine to have sex because it was “exciting” leading up to it, but it brought more feelings to the surface than they could handle. And I think that falls under deactivation. The vulnerability is too much.
Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it feels like emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.
Specifically, if My FA/DA partner NEVER discusses emotions or shares vulnerability (even if I ask), I am left to mind read what’s going on with him. Feels like HIS emotions always leave me shaken and walking on eggshells and it’s exhausting. How can I support him while not giving up myself and my needs too, since I am often triggered by his deactivating (AP)
If this person doesn’t recognize their issues and commit to work on them you are wasting your time. How did you get into a full partnership with someone who doesn’t share at all?
I have watched many of your vids but did not c this one until too late. Had a really huge onesided blow up after 2 months of no contact without her even responding to the simplest of texts to open up communication. I, as an anxious😬, was experiencing severe feelings of abandonment and desperation as a result. I did not know of this severe level of sadness based deactivating. I believe it was caused by us being apart for the last year of a long distance relationship during covid. I could feel her becoming increasingly unhappy at the situation even I tried to reassure her of my commitment to us. Funded the building of a house along with a business to supplement income. Now I’m so sure that I destroyed any chance of a reconciliation as I was very critical of her behaviour. Insisting that she was behaving immature at not communicating at all since November 28. DA r some work!!!!
Thank you ao much. My DA moved. He is gone " missing " for 25 days now. Checking in and desapearing again for days...i am so exhausted with this pattern..
I know im deactivating personally because I start to get irritable with the person and I start looking at my phone a lot. Then I ruminate on all the things we wouldn't be compatible on, why it would never work, etc. It sucks because I know what's happening but I can't stop it. All I want is to get away from those scary, uncomfortable emotions.
4. exactly!!! uhhh.. my DA ex was resentful, spiteful, and cruel because i lacked the ability to read minds. they said "well you should have known" and ended the relationship. they of course could not ask me for their needs because i have proven time and again, when they communicated their needs, i always accommodated. i even offered them to take a break when they needed to months prior to the deactivating. but i am the villain because they want to avoid accountability for their feelings. so painful.
Great information. I would like to learn more about long term deactivating and how that affects a relationship. How a partner should handle and what to do during long term deactivation.
Yes please. I would love information on what to do/how to act when an ex partner deactivates with the fear-based deactivation. Especially when he also goes through a possible sadness deactivation and has been very vulnerable during a longer period of time. How to avoid beeing pushed even further away but at the same time not trigger his core wound of beeing abandoned.
I'm trying to determine if I have a deactivating strategy or if the relationships is just not what I want- I always hit a mark at some point, sometimes there is a trigger most times just the "time" but the feelings do not come back after a certain amount of days. It feels like I have to force and effort any emotion for that person. But its like a light switch and the feelings are over.Im unsure if this is deactivation or just the end of what was (i dont feel like a need to ahve them back after im done 'efforting')
I had the same problem for years. Most of the time when it's done it's done for good. I wasted enourmous amount of time thinking it was my distrust when in fact it was a reaction to boundary crossing, which in time confirmed. (After the relatiinship, the person did the same with other people)
this is a script from one of the courses inside the school: I have been learning a lot about something called attachment theory which is basically our relationship blueprint of how we navigate connection with one another. I learned that we all have a subconscious set of rules we navigate connection through and that when we don’t know about each other’s “rules”/attachment style, things can become unnecessarily tricky. I wanted to share this with you because it has been so helpful for me. I identify with ________ attachment, do you know what you are? I can send you a video or article if you’re interested in learning.... I highly recommend taking the DA intro course in the PDS because it really helps you understand how to navigate the relationship better in terms of communication, asking for needs, conflict communication all while understanding the DA wounds and side-stepping those to make them feel safe -PDS team member
Can you make a video about DA doing this over a significant period of time? I still have this happen and it's been 11 years I am contacted by DA who doesnt want a relationship from me or anyone
There’s no IF we’re getting a lot of value out of this channel, OF COURSE we are 😉 And i’d love to see a follow up. I’d like to ask- when a DA deactivates cos their partner is getting too close, do they resent their partner in those moments? Or is it more of a numb feeling?
As a DA, I just completely switch off, with an absence of any emotion. It’s unfortunate and unintentional, but the best way I’ve found to combat this is which radical honesty. I try to communicate at the beginning of the relationship that it’s a possibility.
DA here. We definitely do shut down. It's numb and a feeling of dissociating from our emotions (and even bodies sometimes. I have a habit of tapping my collarbones or snapping the hair tie around my wrist repetitively in these moments because it anchors me in my body.) My boyfriend brings up topics of commitment (future, love, living together etc...) and I shut down and need to flee (get back home to my safe place). It's an awful feeling because our emotions are completely void (in my experience anyway). There's not even panic. Although if someone tries to stop me from leaving and getting back to a safe place I can definitely feel panic start to peak. It's super hard because my partner will ask "I'm sorry, did I hurt you? Are you angry at what I said? Are you sad?" And he wants to understand what I'm feeling but DAs don't even know what they're feeling in times of deactivating so I can't answer him. The most I can do is communicate to him what I'm experiencing (which is hard, because it leaves me vulnerable) but I've learnt that saying "I'm sorry, I don't feel anything right now and I feel kinda numb." And then to voice a need "I need space/time to communicate what I'm feeling to you because I don't understand." And even sometimes I've had to simply ask for a hug and to be held while I figure out the numbness.
@@NaeK188 Asking for a hug is so cute :) Thanks for the reply Shannae. You seem lovely. I'm just struggling right now with feeling like i'm bothering my DA crush and the deactivating just crushes me so i'm here just trying to understand :)
@@NaeK188 Can i ask, when you feel numb and can't explain your emotions... are you able to look back when you're not feeling numb in the moment and understand why you felt that way?
I love your videos Thais!!! They have literally changed my life :) I have learned so much from them about my attachment style being a fearful- avoidant, as well as, my partner's being a dissmisive avoidant. After my partner's mother died tragically (alkoholism), he withdrew significantly and had been in the deactivating state for a long time. I would really appreciate a video on how to help a DA partner after he/she experienced such a traumatic event and as a response started to push a partner away.
I'd like to see the follow up focus on how the DA can manage these deactivating strategies for themselves But I would also be interested in what the partner can do On the PDS website I tested as fearful avoidant and an even split on anxious and dismissive but as I watch your videos,journal along and try to apply what I've learned I'm now testing more and more dismissive I also got my heart broken by someone who may have been da or leaning that way
@Personal Development School - Thais - I’m experiencing all these deactivating strategies and have been isolated myself for over one year now. I feel shame because I feel I haven’t been able to be the best mother I could be for my children and as a result, it’s created a lot of distance between me and my kids. I’ve felt extreme overwhelm between full time job, and being a mom and wife, and repressing my feelings/needs for so long that I completely hit rock bottom and now had to get on antidepressants to cope with the hurt and pain. Can you please do a series about how a DA parent can heal relationship with their children and prevent their children from attaining the same attachment style. I’m so worried that my daughter is becoming DA because I see the same traits in her now as I’ve had at her age - for example - high achiever in school, low self esteem (negative self talk), very critical and hard on herself if she doesn’t get the mark she’s aimed for (90+ student but never feeling satisfied or “good enough.”). Then I have my son - polar opposite - whom is solely consumed by gaming with his friends and doesn’t want to go to school at all. How do we cope with our healing whilst at the same time ensuring we don’t wound our children in the process. I’m so worried my daughter is becoming like me and I just want to express it’s far from healthy because I’ve hit rock bottom in all areas of my life. It’s affected my health now to the point I have illness and disease in my body. I pray my kids don’t inherit this specific attachment style as it isn’t healthy long term. Would it be better I address this in the school - in the members lounge? Just thought I’d be better to express here in case anyone else had anything to add, plus it was just easier since I just finished watching this video ♥️🙏🏻 Thanks Thais ... the school is great ... it’s a process to heal this attachment style. I’ve been a part of the school since November and have not turned back since, or had any doubts/uncertainties about my investment with this process. The school has been a blessing on my journey to becoming secure ♥️🙏🏻
Isn't it just best to avoid such people. Because it's impossible and draining to have them in your life if they aren't actively learning these things and working on it.
Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it feels like emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.
It would be great to also hear more about the securely attached person with DA tendencies for deactivating and if this is easier or potentially even more difficult to change.
I've been watching a lot of the DA videos one after the other. I keep hearing that we need to communicate our needs clearly to the other person. Is there a video out there on how to communicate those needs? If not, could you please make one? I'm an AP and most times I've tried to "express my needs" the DA takes it as criticism and goes all cold and angry, though he denies he is angry. The latest I heard a few minutes ago. He also claims that there is no anger but there is no place for negativity in his life. He also recently said something about there being "excessive attachment" which was very hurtful. Like I said, I'm an AP, recently separated from an emotionally abusive, alcoholic husband, and right now even more sensitive than usual to any sort of rejection, especially by those I consider close friends. I really need to understand what I'm doing wrong when I try to communicate my needs.
My DA ex seems to have been deactivating for the past 2 years now. Ever since Covid happened, basically, which started a few months after our breakup, she’s been burying herself in work and just staying constantly busy from the time she wakes up until the time she passes out. She’s been avoiding dating anyone like the plague and just working pretty much non stop.
Thais, this video is so informative. I know this is an old video, but could you make another video talking more in depth about the sadness deactivating strategy and grief?
have a close friend who does this all the time..it takes alot of patience & understanding..would like to see what we can do as partners to help with this..11yrs of this seems like a long time of dealing with this..
Thais, yes, please, strategies for helping a DA partner deal with deactivating strategies, or just face and understand their DA status; how do you help your partner? Or just give up if they can’t seem to accept they need help?
Hi my question is do you give them the space they need and wait for them to come back or do you reach out and let them know you’re thinking about them and let them know they are cared about?
I would learn more about this! Thank you for this wonderful information. You all a little fast for me so I have to pay close attention and watch twice sometimes 😂 but it is soooo much great information I love it!
I think the guy I've been seeing for 2 years is a DA. All seemed fine at first, but he has always had to have these 2-4 days of space. He though claims he has no romantic feelings for me, but has chased me everytime I have tried to move on since I want a real and healthy relationship. When letting him back he always says it all/his behaviour has to do with me being wrong for him. I have all the faults, beeing to needy, texting "too much" etc. He says he chases me cause he likes me and for the strong sexual attraction we have. 2 years for that only... He could easily have found others if that was the case. But guess I have to believe him and what he says about not being attached to me. 😪. Now doing no contact. 5 weeks today. Before he could only last maybe 2 weeks before reaching out again. Almost in panic 🙄. Whatever happens I hope I see the light soon. Coming out of it. Being inside- hurting when he pulls away, ignoring me is just dreadful and mentally so tiering. Is walking away the only thing to do?
If the DA had the long term resentment and then ended the relationship, do they have permanent resentment from then on? Or do they think differently when they recharge? Useful video thank you :)
Ok so my tf may see this but I live in my truth which means I’m about to be super transparent. Sex as an intuitive, with a DA feels so dead and creepy. It’s like he’s not in his body so I can’t connect with him in a more intimate way. Anyone else feel this awkward feeling of forcing intimacy? If they’re feeling disconnected from the self, what can I do to help him move out of the space where touch feels dead or creepy to me? Also when I mention the disembodied sensation I’m observing, he struggles to identify or become aware. Once he does he gets angry , I really want to meet his needs but I want mines met too. We’ve tried soul gazing to get fully aware in our body but this is a repetition of patterns which frustrates us both. While he’s feeling withdrawn and marinating in the emotional vibe of being avoidant I become hyper vigilant then the low confidence becomes a turn off and that’s not what I desire to feel. So he’s been working on building his confidence up but I’d love to hear others ,experience!
As a DA, I completely know what you are talking about and am often on the other side. My partner often tries to initiate, and I am only in the mood about 10-20% of the time. I want to meet his needs but compartmentalize his needs from my needs. I feel much less of a need for sex than him, but when I do things for him because I care and it's unfair to have a relationship without that form of love, I feel and can't hide my detachment. I have found a few things that work for us. First is to be physical more often and be clear that those moments are not sexual advances. I started to associate my partner's physical affection with him trying to initiate sex, and it made me just cringe whenever touched. Feeling intimate without it always wondering or it needing to be tied to sex has helped a lot. The biggest thing for me I took out of one of Thais's other video about DA and intimacy (I HIGHLY recommend it for this situation). If my partner takes time to help me get out of my head and feel senses without necessarily being in a sexual context, I feel much more in my body rather than outside of it. I am more likely to enjoy intimacy then. But I feel like I live in my head with a summer home in my body, so it is rare he will catch me feeling sensual without me becoming present-focused and sense-focused first. I hope this helps!! Sorry it's a lot of work with us. Sometimes I wonder if I will make my partner happy ever if it is so difficult for me to get to a place to please him and if he has to put on such heavy breaks for me. I really empathize with you and hope the best.
Thanks for explaining these! These strategies make a lot of sense, but how do you know if you have unwittingly set off your partner or offended them in some way if they won’t even discuss their feelings? I will literally ask a question and my DA won’t even acknowledge that I’ve said something on occasion (both in person and by text) when it is something he doesn’t want to talk about (like when I ask him why he doesn’t want me to know about him). I try to anticipate what might be a sore point and avoid those topics, but when he disappears for days at a time and dismisses my messages, it feels really hurtful and I don’t know how to handle it.
Do DA’S and FA’s have similar deactivating strategies? What does this look like aswell I’m so curious to know how a person doesn’t feel anything through deactivation. Would they just not think about the particular topic that’s bothering them etc Also, how would you exercise patience with someone with these deactivating strategies? Would it be better to label their fears in hope of getting them to open up? Thanks btw your videos are always great and insightful
Hello! FA here. And according to the attachment test from PDS site I'm 40% FA and 40% DA. After watching (binge watching for sure) Thais videos, I can say that now I kinda feel why and when I'm deactivating. But it's a brand-new feel. Back then, whenever I was blessed with amazing and patient partners I didn't. I just felt I wouldn't be enough for that person even if I tried cause I wasn't made for love. And pulled away. As she said in the video, I didn't communicate or felt like the other person would understand or be able to handle that, cause I can't even handle myself sometimes. Hope that vent can bring a light to your question. xx
Carolina Neves this is me too. I have always thought I was helping the other person by not being clingy or dependent and had been told by the few exes I have had that I didn’t express myself enough. This year I watched Brene Brown’s TED talk and thought I would try something new and be vulnerable with a man I was with who I fell in love with for the first time in my life. He is DA...and he is now my ex too😢😢
Hi, I am FA. My recent ex is DA and I think we have very similar traits, his were more pulling away physically and emotionally after being vulnerable or intimate. As an FA I would have liked reassurance that I am safe to open up and that it is reciprocated. I overthink everything and being with a DA brought out my anxious side. I don’t need to talk all day or even every day, but a simple message is okay. Anything more whilst dating would feel suffocating. I like deep and meaningful conversations rather than small talk. The best advice I think is to ask what they want and feel comfortable with and tell them it is okay if that changes. My ex said he wanted to see me 3-4 times a week and I laughed and said “that’s a bit much, 2 is okay with me. We both have a life outside of our relationship”. I regretted it straight away but it was like a reflex action. In hindsight, I said a few things that were not how I felt. It was like I was getting in first so he couldn’t hurt me. I don’t think they deactivate on purpose or even consciously.
@@ChilledOut thank you for this It’s interesting to know that they don’t deactivate on purpose. What does deactivating feel like tho? You mentioned asking what they are comfortable with but I know FAs aren’t good at communicating their boundaries... I am anxiously attached and my now ex is an FA when we were together it was great but trying to work him out was exhausting. It makes sense as I now watch these vids etc. I am not struggling as he is broken but won’t let me in (it’s 6 months BU) I wanted him back but it’s selfish of me to want him back now as he isn’t in the right frame of mind etc... I don’t know how to communicate with an FA tho do you have any tips? He won’t let me in whatsoever just reads all my messages etc.
Hello Thais! Thank you so much for your videos. I just watched your video what love feels like for DA and at the end you mentioned you may make a video on what DA would crave in the connection as they become more secure. Would you be able to explain that? Or did I miss it somewhere already before?
Ah yes, in retrospect I went through a sadness deactivation period from a few months after the pandemic until maybe a week ago. I started a list pretty early on of the people I was ghosting so I could follow up with them, and it's 20-30 people strong. Having watched this I'm less a stranger to myself because before I had no convincing narrative to explain why the hell I was acting that way.
Hello, FA here. Don't know why, but those 4 last years, i have been acting a lot like a DA. I want to be alone most of the time. And when i decide to meet my family or friend, i feel quickly overwhelmed. And withdraw after a week of connecting with people. I have always had this avoidant side but never to such intensity. I hate feeling this strong urge for withdrawing. People can call me everyday and i found myself unable to answer any calls. I just feel it is too much for me. How do i to get myself out of this overwhelming feeling of being invaded? Talking to people tires me so much.
Things ended for good with me (FA) and my DA last night. It was frustrating to know he was deactivating but I wasn't going to beg him to be with me and he wasn't listening to me anyway. He just insisted that we weren't clicking even though I kept telling him it was a negative feedback loop where he got in his head and distanced and I did the same because of that. I'm done. I made it impossible for him to come back
My mom was very critical of me growing up when anything of a "normal" sexuality issue came up. Fast forward years later, my husband made several comments regarding sexuality and my responsiveness to him, this resulted in major pull back, anger and a shut down sexually towards him. He says it was "suggestions" I took it as critical. Ok, what do I do to deactivate years of shutting down emotionally???
Don't look at it in. terms of years. Look at it as, what can I do in this moment? How WOULD I like to respond? How would a SECURE me respond in this situation? Take one step at a time... compassion...for yourself.
Please can you discuss what you mean by a DA just wanting their power back! Could it be that they only got validation from u. How do u know the difference between wanting validation & actual interest?
Oh great, thanks! I am in a two years lesbian relationship with a DA woman who broke up with me several times. She is not conscious of her wounds and she is just running away from me caise she knows I accept her and love her unconditionally... She doesn't want to change... How to tell her all of this... Where to start?!? THANK YOU ❤️
When I hear the word dismissive, I think of someone who shoos people away. Like in maybe a snooty sort of way. What does dismissive mean exactly in the context of attachment? “Thank you Jeffery, that will be all. Run along now.” Voiced with an English accent and monocle in eye.
It is amazing to me how I can spend months binge watching videos about my attachment style and my partner's attachment style, but the second he starts deactivating, I completely forget everything and start worrying when he's pulling away that it's my fault and that he's going to abandon me any minute lol
Omg i know, rite??? I totally relate
Me too;)
I totally relate too!!!
Me too! I didn’t understand what was happening and I’m learning to much but them am not sure if it is as important to me as it is with him.
That's prob because you are consuming the content but you are not healing. (assumption made purely based on this comment)
I've experienced this again... now im aware of patterns of a DA, no matter what, i feel for her, i love her and am willing to help thru deactivation.... It's tough, but i empathize..... i wish she'd reconize that... but she's deactivating..
I'm no loner anxious, im secure, confident, and patient.... It's tough, but she's worth it, and i feel for DAs..... love persists, love is patient, and kind...no mattrer how frustrating, be the rock for them!!! Best of luck, everyone
I was married to a DA for 20 years and dated a DA for 2 years after. Pushing away someone you care for without explanation is mentally abusive. I'll never subject myself to that treatment again.
It's like you know me better than I know myself.
Deactivating feels like you're boxed off in your own world but with zero self awareness. Being there for someone else feels like doing really complicated math while sitting next to a neumatic drill.
1) D.A. avoid vulnerability
2)push emotions down. Possibly repressed. Denied
3)fears - feelings
4)fear being weak something is wrong with me. Pulls away due to being to vulnerable ( in their mind) then takes days or months to process. So they fell of the face of the earth- avoidance of feelings, topic and processing.
5) may recognize they feel vulnerable around certain ppl and believe it's their fault. ( Don't know it's their stuff, being triggered).
6)feel like their is no way to deal with degrees of conflict.
7) Have less emotional bandwidth because the constantly push down feelings. Feel shame
I have studied, adjusted and understood, unfortunately until a DA accepts there is an opportunity to unlearn or address the behaviors, it's impossible to build healthy bonds. I am pro-understanding, but I am now having to show up for myself, leave the connection. It's a pity because he might never understand how beautiful it is to connect... I pray this is not the case for him.
I had the same experience in the end. After 4 long, exhausting years...
I couldn’t have said this better myself! The real pain is the DA not fully experiencing the beauty of true intimacy & connection. My heart bleeds for him with that but like you said, you get to the point where there’s nothing you can do but pray for them. I can’t appreciate Thais enough for her knowledge! I find strength in her videos but the pain is soul wrenching.
M B I am so sorry! Before I got down to the part where you said he may be lying, that’s what I was thinking because 7 months is way too fast to be engaged to another. I’m worried that your story will become mine. It just seems so unfair for you to invest in those 3 years just to have it “tossed” aside. I hope you can find some peace. I know it’s so heart wrenching. I just keep reminding myself of Thais’s words when she says to make sure we hold to our boundaries and not give in to our non-negotiables. Keep your chin up. Good things will happen to you & one day you will find that someone who will give so much to you in return.
Thank you for that.
@@EMBEEMusic23 there is so much hurt in your message. Sounds like your relationship is extremely toxic given the instability and presumed game playing. Maybe it's time you gave this a real think. Is it doing you any good, is this what love is supposed to feel like, do you want this for yourself. Try separate the person when you ask that question. If it were anyone else, what would you think. Step outside of your emotional self, look at who she is and then decide if that is you. All the best 💕
Understanding why DAs are deactivating (as well as the rest of their colorful cache of super-fun protest and distancing behaviors) changes nothing about how I experience them. And at this point, my experience is the only thing I care about. Blessings to the rare, unicorn DAs who are actually interested in doing the work on themselves to heal this stuff, but I'm no longer available to be a partner for these types to work out said stuff.
Yes, PLEASE do strategies and communication ideas for overcoming these! Both for the DA and the partner dating one. 🙏🏽
I love your content, but I think it would be great to have some content contrasting the difference between da and this person just isn’t invested/into you. I assume being secure ourselves helps to delineate the two, but sometimes I think hope can cloud our judgment, especially for the anxious preoccupied
Great idea for a video!! I would love this too!
She made a video on that awhile ago.
Omg yes please do the video about of the strategies to overcome the deactivating strategies! Loved the video, you are so clear and excelente communicator!
I am interested in both how the DA handles the fear based Deactivating Strategy and the Partner of the DA. This is what was happening to me and I was completely unaware of how the DA handled distancing, when things got to close. Thank you
I'm a DA and this is 100% accurate, wow.
Types of strategies/the sponsoring emotions & wounds
-Fear due to painful experience
-Sadness
-Self Protection
-Anger, Resentment &/or Spite
-Self avoidant or feeling avoidant
Perfect timing on this! I have been wanting to ask why you guys think a DA that has ghosted you for months (do to a stressful situation) would later be sneaking around online every week and be spooking on your instagram stories (so busted tho) but not be taking any actions to pop back up into your life?
And then when you reach out to the DA to break the silence,.. had some small talk and the person eventually surprises you days later with an vague apology for what had went down earlier this year...
Kinda went like this "I'm apologizing basically for the person I was and for everything really, hope there's no hard feelings and that you're good"..
So you answer the same day but then *puff* the DA went ghost again without even had open your response. Now 10 days and counting...
🤷🏽♀️ Why? Why apologize and then go and do the same thing you apologize for? 🤔
My own guess: Too afraid to see or hear what I have to say or to own up to the consequences for their actions. Any ideas? 🙏
I’m pretty sure that your guess is totally correct. Fear + avoiding feelings that may come up.
This reminds me small children hiding their eyes with hands thinking that nobody sees them this way :)
@@electricfishfan thank you for sharing your experience. It helped
There is no excuse for ghosting sorry. Especially done twice. Whatever the reason is, it is the lowest of the lowest behaviour and you deserve much more. You don't need to hate the ghoster, but you do need to and deserve to keep yourself away from that toxicity.
@@heyowazzup8900 omg I texted that exact imagery when trying to show the ex-DA what I saw him doing for all the world to see - thinking it could make him self-aware. Of course at the time I didn't know there was such a thing as these attachment styles - but yes, he was about as discreet as a child with their hands over their eyes - meaning they don't see anything and therefore there is nothing to see here
I'm mostly DA, and some FA. My partner is somewhere between secure and FA because they had so many different parental figures. These videos are so helpful for me learning to recognize my destructive behaviors. I'm also working with a therapist who is helping my identity steps I can take and providing encouragement
This is hilarious. It’s so spot on it’s comical. It makes me feel way better about the situation I’m in. Thanks coach. 💪🏻
thank you for this video. I'm a DA and i weren't fully realizing that i was deactivating. I'm going through heartbreak, so there's a lot of uncomfortable emotions. Even though i'm recovering (from being a DA) i realized that i was crawling slowly back to my old habits.
08:01 Yes, please! Videos for both the DA and their partner! My DA is going through a depressive episode, taking medication, and I feel he's 100% deactivated for a few months now. I wonder how to cope with this and how to help him. I've pulled back so as not to pressure him, but made it clear that I'm here for him in any case. It's hard, and I can see how hard it is on him, too.
There are better stable people in the world.
Our goals are to be stable and understand ourselves.
If you had a car that was a lemon and was breaking down every other week you would stop putting money into it and time. You will realize that this is not going to get me what I want in life with stability and love. You would get rid of that car and get a new one, something that's dependable, something that will protect you and not leave you or break down when you need them the most. I know it hurts I've been there for 13 years it's time to let go and find someone that is more like you and doesn't run away. Best of luck
Do you think you get the most engagement on your DA videos? I know a DA and I’ve never met a more caring person who makes me feel sad. It’s such a dichotomy. I’m sure it would break her heart if she knew how much her deactivating hurts me because she’s been there for me in tough times a lot
"I've never met a more caring person who makes me feel sad". I've come up with my own ways of explaining that about my DA ex before. Like there were red flags but zero maliciousness. Red flags but he was so genuinely sweet and sensitive, etc... But I always felt like it was lacking. You said it perfectly. Simple but profound. Thank you.
@@enarcmcfly Thank you for the nice words. I hope you are doing ok. DA's can leave a mark
@@cameranserrano1263 thanks, you too. And yeah mine sure did too. But there's nothing left to do but leave him be and move on
@@enarcmcfly I'm sorry you had that experience. I'm going through something similar right now and it's painful. As they pull away, i'm pulling away
I describe my DA as the nicest jerk that you will ever meet.
My DA partner deactivates when he gets stressed at work... He is a typical DA at work with his work ethic & I think he feels criticised & hates when he things are unfair... ... He opens up & off loads to me but then pulls away....I think to self soothe from the work issues & because he's shown a vulnerable side to me... So it's a double whammy... . I'm anxious so I feel this really hard... After watching your videos I'm trying to communicate better & more understanding when he withdraws... 1st time last night I told him how I feel when he withdraws.... He responded better than he has in the past... But I don't know how long he needs his space for... He's like a yoyo.. It's been a long term work stress issue...
Hi Thais, brilliant video. Your DA videos are really helping me understand the DAs in my life. Would love to see a video for others to deal with DA deactivating strategies. TIA.
thanks for your lovely suggestion, I will bring it u back to the team - PDS team member
Carolina Neves
My deactivating strategies are definitely fear-based and protective.
I have avoided serious relationships since my divorce 17 years ago. I am 46. Since then I have had maybe 4 relationships that never made it past 6 months. I am very independent and a kind and happy person. I just couldn’t put myself in a position to be hurt so I avoided it altogether. ‘Happy’ to be single.
The truth is I do not want to be on my own anymore and this guy showed me that. I have so many regrets about that relationship but I only discovered attachment styles the week after we broke up. We are no contact. I am happy to answer any questions you have.
I have been with my DA fella now 6 1/2 years. He is the love of my life. I am a recovering anxious leaning secure. Very self aware now.
He never deactivated until the 3 yr mark. In the past 3 1/2 yrs he’s done it 3 x. 8 weeks, second was for 6 months and now he just deactivated 1 week ago.
I’m 64. I’m a FT Nanny. In good health but he is mentally and emotionally exhausting me.
We have 3 major upcoming events coming up. I am I the middle of giving him space. But how/when do I reach out? I live 10 min from him but afraid of any deactivation rage he might exert.
Please help me understand and navigate! GeeGee
Would love one of the webinars to be in depth how to overcome deactivating for a DA, I deactivate and always think it’s cause I just don’t have feelings for that person anymore, but this is eye opening. It’s exhausting.
Yes, I would love to know as someone with a DA, how I can help with not triggering these deactivating strategies or at least know how to minimize the damage when I have
My boyfriend left me for someone who only wants him for money 💰 He's happier that way. With me...all I wanted was to love him. We were so close that we feel asleep holding hands. It was the most beautiful relationship I have ever had. But, also the most painful.
In this 6 1/2 yrs now. Not sure if I should allow him to just leave or if I should keep learning and trying :(
I could do a video discussing my interactions with the DA aka "science project" for about two hours.. A lot lot lot of give and take, but turned more into take... He was so confident and felt in his comfort zone through the phone, but in person a completely different person. He has lot of discovery and development within himself to work on and cannot begin to even bring in others into his focus and that is okay, but still is hurtful and crushing. For example, he even said that having roommates is enough for him to have a connection, but with me he doesn't see that purpose to include me in his time, it's all about convenience for him and that is all i needed to know. Ironically, I live right around the block and we have been involved for 2 years. These are new roommates. It's the casual and convenience he can work with; even though that is what i want as well... It's just like wow okay.. ouch! It's like constantly dangling a carrot and never getting close to obtaining it.. I don't need to work for acceptance, attention and acknowledgement baby, it's a two way street.. like i said, he has a lot to learn about, just about everything and I wish him luck!!!
Definitely would appreciate a follow up video.... Would be massively helpful as I am AP & partner is DA.... 7 years push/pulling but love each other to bits & want it to work
Could you possibly do a video on what is the best way to approach the topic or ask a DA what their needs are and how you can best meet those needs? I am reluctant to ask because they hate to talk about themselves or the details of their life. I think it’s because it makes them feel vulnerable. So I hate to ask and put them in that uncomfortable position. I feel like by asking, I’m causing them to “suck back into their shell”? Since they always seem to not need anything or accept anything, it’s hard to try to identify or figure out their needs are? If you ask how their day or their week was, for example, they tend to avoid the question and keep everything really high level. If you try to offer them some sort of help or service, they tend to decline it. If you try to do something nice or give them some thing like a gift, they may feel there’s some sort of ulterior motive if they’re mistrusting. It’s almost like you’re in a no-win situation?
Personal Development School, can you please do a video on addressing these?
YES, please! 🙏🏻 Strategies for the DA and strategies for the partner of the DA. 🤍
Please make video about first phase dating DA
So I watched this basically to explain to someone I love on how they act and why they might act that way. Background: she is my ex of 2 years and my best friend for 10 years. I use to know everything about her when we were best friend. As soon as intimacy comes into play, she pulls away.
One piece of advice, don’t be scared about setting boundaries. Set your boundaries and if they aren’t respected walk away. It’s not worth the pain and suffering. The other party will feel no remorse. If they show you they want to unlearn these behaviours then be supportive and provide a safe space to work through it all. Either you’ll find the most amazing ending or you’ll find that with someone else who is willing to give you what you need.
Thank you for this, Thais. Would love to know more about the first (fear-based) deactivating strategy as the example you described happened exactly to me from the receiving end. You can see there is a desperate need for connection and a deep level of interest from the DA's side but this push and pull dynamic is making it impossible to move anything forward. I've come to the conclusion to just let them go at this point and if they find their way so be it, but it's just really hard to manage your self-esteem when you are the receiver. How can someone want you to connect with you so deeply yet get so scared and disappear when you do? Oh god 🙈
Exactly my situation its been almost 8 months of No Contact (my choice to Implement) I had to absolutely just let him go its heart breaking but some leave you no choice. One good thing I have learned during this is about attachment styles and I now have that lost piece of the puzzle I was miss for this experience with my first and only DA. I wish nothing but healing for him but I don't believe he will ever look at his trauma and that is such a sad way to live especially when there are so many people willing to for said relationship and or friendships.
@@shannond8029 Absolutely. I'm glad you've moved on - it is a very bittersweet experience to go through and attachment styles can help you let go of the "could have beens", and "should have beens".
This is what I also would want to understand
Yes - please do a follow up video for overcoming these strategies! Thank you
I would definitely appreciate a video on how to respond to these behaviors in a friend or partner!! I think I totally alienated someone I really cared about by pushing him too much. I want to avoid making the same mistakes again. Thank you for your amazing content as always!!
Maybe this will help
ua-cam.com/video/jgieAnC7BU8/v-deo.html
And of course I think you should make the corresponding video with advice for people experiencing these deactivating strategies!
@@cameranserrano1263 Thank you for sharing!!
@@colorfullyme No worries!
Awesome content that I know has great impact. Very informative and well explained. Keep up the great work!
So after sexual encounters, DA’s commonly withdraw for several days. I feel like at this point they are grappling to process that level of intimacy, which made them uncomfortable. Like it was fine to have sex because it was “exciting” leading up to it, but it brought more feelings to the surface than they could handle. And I think that falls under deactivation. The vulnerability is too much.
Yes. It’s overwhelming
Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it feels like emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.
Specifically, if My FA/DA partner NEVER discusses emotions or shares vulnerability (even if I ask), I am left to mind read what’s going on with him. Feels like HIS emotions always leave me shaken and walking on eggshells and it’s exhausting. How can I support him while not giving up myself and my needs too, since I am often triggered by his deactivating (AP)
If this person doesn’t recognize their issues and commit to work on them you are wasting your time. How did you get into a full partnership with someone who doesn’t share at all?
I have watched many of your vids but did not c this one until too late.
Had a really huge onesided blow up after 2 months of no contact without her even responding to the simplest of texts to open up communication.
I, as an anxious😬, was experiencing severe feelings of abandonment and desperation as a result.
I did not know of this severe level of sadness based deactivating.
I believe it was caused by us being apart for the last year of a long distance relationship during covid.
I could feel her becoming increasingly unhappy at the situation even I tried to reassure her of my commitment to us. Funded the building of a house along with a business to supplement income.
Now I’m so sure that I destroyed any chance of a reconciliation as I was very critical of her behaviour. Insisting that she was behaving immature at not communicating at all since November 28.
DA r some work!!!!
Yes, how do we respond to DA activation? Better yet, how do we get them to recognize how damaging this is to a relationship?
Thank you ao much. My DA moved. He is gone " missing " for 25 days now. Checking in and desapearing again for days...i am so exhausted with this pattern..
Thank you Thais. This is a very eye opening video. And yes, would love to see a follow up video for the receiver of the DA's deactivating strategies.
Thanks!
I know im deactivating personally because I start to get irritable with the person and I start looking at my phone a lot. Then I ruminate on all the things we wouldn't be compatible on, why it would never work, etc. It sucks because I know what's happening but I can't stop it. All I want is to get away from those scary, uncomfortable emotions.
Thank you a lot for the videos. Yes I would like to learn more from the the side of the désactivating person and the partner. Thank you
Would love to get a video on how to reach a young adult child who is deactivating as a DA.❤
I would love to see a video on how to respond to a DA whose deactivating due to sadness.
4. exactly!!! uhhh.. my DA ex was resentful, spiteful, and cruel because i lacked the ability to read minds. they said "well you should have known" and ended the relationship. they of course could not ask me for their needs because i have proven time and again, when they communicated their needs, i always accommodated. i even offered them to take a break when they needed to months prior to the deactivating. but i am the villain because they want to avoid accountability for their feelings. so painful.
Great information. I would like to learn more about long term deactivating and how that affects a relationship. How a partner should handle and what to do during long term deactivation.
Yes pleeeeeeease!!!!! And how they can act normal when they have to!
Yes please. I would love information on what to do/how to act when an ex partner deactivates with the fear-based deactivation. Especially when he also goes through a possible sadness deactivation and has been very vulnerable during a longer period of time. How to avoid beeing pushed even further away but at the same time not trigger his core wound of beeing abandoned.
Can you do a video on de/re-programming narcissism?
I'm trying to determine if I have a deactivating strategy or if the relationships is just not what I want- I always hit a mark at some point, sometimes there is a trigger most times just the "time" but the feelings do not come back after a certain amount of days. It feels like I have to force and effort any emotion for that person. But its like a light switch and the feelings are over.Im unsure if this is deactivation or just the end of what was (i dont feel like a need to ahve them back after im done 'efforting')
I had the same problem for years. Most of the time when it's done it's done for good. I wasted enourmous amount of time thinking it was my distrust when in fact it was a reaction to boundary crossing, which in time confirmed. (After the relatiinship, the person did the same with other people)
If you are DA please give this video a watch on the topic - ua-cam.com/video/qvEUrlXWl2Q/v-deo.html
-PDS team member
Great insight! Would love follow up videos on this. Thanks!
PDS - please make a video on strategies to overcome sadness based deactivation (for both: the dismissived and their partners). Thanks!!!
I wonder if you would recommend us sharing this with a DA partner who isn't yet at a point of knowing what their challenges are.
this is a script from one of the courses inside the school:
I have been learning a lot about something called attachment theory which is basically our relationship blueprint of how we navigate connection with one another. I learned that we all have a subconscious set of rules we navigate connection through and that when we don’t know about each other’s “rules”/attachment style, things can become unnecessarily tricky. I wanted to share this with you because it has been so helpful for me. I identify with ________ attachment, do you know what you are? I can send you a video or article if you’re interested in learning....
I highly recommend taking the DA intro course in the PDS because it really helps you understand how to navigate the relationship better in terms of communication, asking for needs, conflict communication all while understanding the DA wounds and side-stepping those to make them feel safe
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool OH Wow. This is so useful. Thank You. Many Many Thank You's
Exactly what I was thinking.... Glad you asked.... Thank you for the answer.... 🙏🏻
Can you make a video about DA doing this over a significant period of time? I still have this happen and it's been 11 years I am contacted by DA who doesnt want a relationship from me or anyone
So what are you supposed to do when they deactivate and distance themselves? Should you wait for them to get back to you?
This video has highlighted something that could save my relationship. Thank you.
There’s no IF we’re getting a lot of value out of this channel, OF COURSE we are 😉 And i’d love to see a follow up. I’d like to ask- when a DA deactivates cos their partner is getting too close, do they resent their partner in those moments? Or is it more of a numb feeling?
As a DA, I just completely switch off, with an absence of any emotion. It’s unfortunate and unintentional, but the best way I’ve found to combat this is which radical honesty. I try to communicate at the beginning of the relationship that it’s a possibility.
@@mickmash-5192 Thanks for the reply and i do think honesty helps. It's the not knowing and taking it personally that hurts
DA here. We definitely do shut down. It's numb and a feeling of dissociating from our emotions (and even bodies sometimes. I have a habit of tapping my collarbones or snapping the hair tie around my wrist repetitively in these moments because it anchors me in my body.) My boyfriend brings up topics of commitment (future, love, living together etc...) and I shut down and need to flee (get back home to my safe place). It's an awful feeling because our emotions are completely void (in my experience anyway). There's not even panic. Although if someone tries to stop me from leaving and getting back to a safe place I can definitely feel panic start to peak. It's super hard because my partner will ask "I'm sorry, did I hurt you? Are you angry at what I said? Are you sad?" And he wants to understand what I'm feeling but DAs don't even know what they're feeling in times of deactivating so I can't answer him. The most I can do is communicate to him what I'm experiencing (which is hard, because it leaves me vulnerable) but I've learnt that saying "I'm sorry, I don't feel anything right now and I feel kinda numb." And then to voice a need "I need space/time to communicate what I'm feeling to you because I don't understand." And even sometimes I've had to simply ask for a hug and to be held while I figure out the numbness.
@@NaeK188 Asking for a hug is so cute :) Thanks for the reply Shannae. You seem lovely. I'm just struggling right now with feeling like i'm bothering my DA crush and the deactivating just crushes me so i'm here just trying to understand :)
@@NaeK188 Can i ask, when you feel numb and can't explain your emotions... are you able to look back when you're not feeling numb in the moment and understand why you felt that way?
I love your videos Thais!!! They have literally changed my life :) I have learned so much from them about my attachment style being a fearful- avoidant, as well as, my partner's being a dissmisive avoidant. After my partner's mother died tragically (alkoholism), he withdrew significantly and had been in the deactivating state for a long time. I would really appreciate a video on how to help a DA partner after he/she experienced such a traumatic event and as a response started to push a partner away.
Wish I could "like" your videos 10 times, Thais!
I'd like to see the follow up focus on how the DA can manage these deactivating strategies for themselves
But I would also be interested in what the partner can do
On the PDS website I tested as fearful avoidant and an even split on anxious and dismissive but as I watch your videos,journal along and try to apply what I've learned I'm now testing more and more dismissive
I also got my heart broken by someone who may have been da or leaning that way
@Personal Development School - Thais - I’m experiencing all these deactivating strategies and have been isolated myself for over one year now. I feel shame because I feel I haven’t been able to be the best mother I could be for my children and as a result, it’s created a lot of distance between me and my kids. I’ve felt extreme overwhelm between full time job, and being a mom and wife, and repressing my feelings/needs for so long that I completely hit rock bottom and now had to get on antidepressants to cope with the hurt and pain.
Can you please do a series about how a DA parent can heal relationship with their children and prevent their children from attaining the same attachment style. I’m so worried that my daughter is becoming DA because I see the same traits in her now as I’ve had at her age - for example - high achiever in school, low self esteem (negative self talk), very critical and hard on herself if she doesn’t get the mark she’s aimed for (90+ student but never feeling satisfied or “good enough.”). Then I have my son - polar opposite - whom is solely consumed by gaming with his friends and doesn’t want to go to school at all. How do we cope with our healing whilst at the same time ensuring we don’t wound our children in the process. I’m so worried my daughter is becoming like me and I just want to express it’s far from healthy because I’ve hit rock bottom in all areas of my life. It’s affected my health now to the point I have illness and disease in my body. I pray my kids don’t inherit this specific attachment style as it isn’t healthy long term. Would it be better I address this in the school - in the members lounge? Just thought I’d be better to express here in case anyone else had anything to add, plus it was just easier since I just finished watching this video ♥️🙏🏻 Thanks Thais ... the school is great ... it’s a process to heal this attachment style. I’ve been a part of the school since November and have not turned back since, or had any doubts/uncertainties about my investment with this process. The school has been a blessing on my journey to becoming secure ♥️🙏🏻
Please yes!!!! How to overcome and deal with these strategies. My husband is FA/DA and it’s so hard to know what to do.
Isn't it just best to avoid such people. Because it's impossible and draining to have them in your life if they aren't actively learning these things and working on it.
Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it feels like emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.
2:19
It would be great to also hear more about the securely attached person with DA tendencies for deactivating and if this is easier or potentially even more difficult to change.
The date example recently happened to me and as an fa it was really triggering, thanks for explaining
I've been watching a lot of the DA videos one after the other. I keep hearing that we need to communicate our needs clearly to the other person. Is there a video out there on how to communicate those needs? If not, could you please make one? I'm an AP and most times I've tried to "express my needs" the DA takes it as criticism and goes all cold and angry, though he denies he is angry. The latest I heard a few minutes ago. He also claims that there is no anger but there is no place for negativity in his life.
He also recently said something about there being "excessive attachment" which was very hurtful.
Like I said, I'm an AP, recently separated from an emotionally abusive, alcoholic husband, and right now even more sensitive than usual to any sort of rejection, especially by those I consider close friends.
I really need to understand what I'm doing wrong when I try to communicate my needs.
My DA ex seems to have been deactivating for the past 2 years now. Ever since Covid happened, basically, which started a few months after our breakup, she’s been burying herself in work and just staying constantly busy from the time she wakes up until the time she passes out. She’s been avoiding dating anyone like the plague and just working pretty much non stop.
Thais, this video is so informative.
I know this is an old video, but could you make another video talking more in depth about the sadness deactivating strategy and grief?
Thank you for those great videos❤
I would appreciate a video with strategies for both, the DA and their partner
have a close friend who does this all the time..it takes alot of patience & understanding..would like to see what we can do as partners to help with this..11yrs of this seems like a long time of dealing with this..
Also, your makeup looks amazing
Thais, yes, please, strategies for helping a DA partner deal with deactivating strategies, or just face and understand their DA status; how do you help your partner? Or just give up if they can’t seem to accept they need help?
Hi my question is do you give them the space they need and wait for them to come back or do you reach out and let them know you’re thinking about them and let them know they are cared about?
I would learn more about this! Thank you for this wonderful information. You all a little fast for me so I have to pay close attention and watch twice sometimes 😂 but it is soooo much great information I love it!
I think the guy I've been seeing for 2 years is a DA. All seemed fine at first, but he has always had to have these 2-4 days of space. He though claims he has no romantic feelings for me, but has chased me everytime I have tried to move on since I want a real and healthy relationship. When letting him back he always says it all/his behaviour has to do with me being wrong for him. I have all the faults, beeing to needy, texting "too much" etc. He says he chases me cause he likes me and for the strong sexual attraction we have. 2 years for that only... He could easily have found others if that was the case.
But guess I have to believe him and what he says about not being attached to me. 😪. Now doing no contact. 5 weeks today. Before he could only last maybe 2 weeks before reaching out again. Almost in panic 🙄. Whatever happens I hope I see the light soon. Coming out of it. Being inside- hurting when he pulls away, ignoring me is just dreadful and mentally so tiering. Is walking away the only thing to do?
Yes please I’d love a video on that
If the DA had the long term resentment and then ended the relationship, do they have permanent resentment from then on? Or do they think differently when they recharge?
Useful video thank you :)
I’m in the same boat here. How has it ended up for you?
I'm a DA, by the time we truly end a relationship, we feel completely indifferent about the person. There's no resentment & no going back.
Ok so my tf may see this but I live in my truth which means I’m about to be super transparent. Sex as an intuitive, with a DA feels so dead and creepy. It’s like he’s not in his body so I can’t connect with him in a more intimate way. Anyone else feel this awkward feeling of forcing intimacy? If they’re feeling disconnected from the self, what can I do to help him move out of the space where touch feels dead or creepy to me? Also when I mention the disembodied sensation I’m observing, he struggles to identify or become aware. Once he does he gets angry , I really want to meet his needs but I want mines met too. We’ve tried soul gazing to get fully aware in our body but this is a repetition of patterns which frustrates us both. While he’s feeling withdrawn and marinating in the emotional vibe of being avoidant I become hyper vigilant then the low confidence becomes a turn off and that’s not what I desire to feel. So he’s been working on building his confidence up but I’d love to hear others ,experience!
As a DA, I completely know what you are talking about and am often on the other side. My partner often tries to initiate, and I am only in the mood about 10-20% of the time. I want to meet his needs but compartmentalize his needs from my needs. I feel much less of a need for sex than him, but when I do things for him because I care and it's unfair to have a relationship without that form of love, I feel and can't hide my detachment. I have found a few things that work for us. First is to be physical more often and be clear that those moments are not sexual advances. I started to associate my partner's physical affection with him trying to initiate sex, and it made me just cringe whenever touched. Feeling intimate without it always wondering or it needing to be tied to sex has helped a lot. The biggest thing for me I took out of one of Thais's other video about DA and intimacy (I HIGHLY recommend it for this situation). If my partner takes time to help me get out of my head and feel senses without necessarily being in a sexual context, I feel much more in my body rather than outside of it. I am more likely to enjoy intimacy then. But I feel like I live in my head with a summer home in my body, so it is rare he will catch me feeling sensual without me becoming present-focused and sense-focused first. I hope this helps!! Sorry it's a lot of work with us. Sometimes I wonder if I will make my partner happy ever if it is so difficult for me to get to a place to please him and if he has to put on such heavy breaks for me. I really empathize with you and hope the best.
Thanks for explaining these! These strategies make a lot of sense, but how do you know if you have unwittingly set off your partner or offended them in some way if they won’t even discuss their feelings? I will literally ask a question and my DA won’t even acknowledge that I’ve said something on occasion (both in person and by text) when it is something he doesn’t want to talk about (like when I ask him why he doesn’t want me to know about him). I try to anticipate what might be a sore point and avoid those topics, but when he disappears for days at a time and dismisses my messages, it feels really hurtful and I don’t know how to handle it.
Do DA’S and FA’s have similar deactivating strategies? What does this look like aswell I’m so curious to know how a person doesn’t feel anything through deactivation. Would they just not think about the particular topic that’s bothering them etc
Also, how would you exercise patience with someone with these deactivating strategies? Would it be better to label their fears in hope of getting them to open up?
Thanks btw your videos are always great and insightful
Hello! FA here. And according to the attachment test from PDS site I'm 40% FA and 40% DA. After watching (binge watching for sure) Thais videos, I can say that now I kinda feel why and when I'm deactivating. But it's a brand-new feel. Back then, whenever I was blessed with amazing and patient partners I didn't. I just felt I wouldn't be enough for that person even if I tried cause I wasn't made for love. And pulled away. As she said in the video, I didn't communicate or felt like the other person would understand or be able to handle that, cause I can't even handle myself sometimes. Hope that vent can bring a light to your question. xx
Keith _ I got you. Hope you heal, friend. Keep going.
Carolina Neves this is me too. I have always thought I was helping the other person by not being clingy or dependent and had been told by the few exes I have had that I didn’t express myself enough. This year I watched Brene Brown’s TED talk and thought I would try something new and be vulnerable with a man I was with who I fell in love with for the first time in my life. He is DA...and he is now my ex too😢😢
Hi, I am FA. My recent ex is DA and I think we have very similar traits, his were more pulling away physically and emotionally after being vulnerable or intimate.
As an FA I would have liked reassurance that I am safe to open up and that it is reciprocated. I overthink everything and being with a DA brought out my anxious side. I don’t need to talk all day or even every day, but a simple message is okay. Anything more whilst dating would feel suffocating. I like deep and meaningful conversations rather than small talk.
The best advice I think is to ask what they want and feel comfortable with and tell them it is okay if that changes.
My ex said he wanted to see me 3-4 times a week and I laughed and said “that’s a bit much, 2 is okay with me. We both have a life outside of our relationship”. I regretted it straight away but it was like a reflex action. In hindsight, I said a few things that were not how I felt. It was like I was getting in first so he couldn’t hurt me.
I don’t think they deactivate on purpose or even consciously.
@@ChilledOut thank you for this
It’s interesting to know that they don’t deactivate on purpose.
What does deactivating feel like tho?
You mentioned asking what they are comfortable with but I know FAs aren’t good at communicating their boundaries...
I am anxiously attached and my now ex is an FA when we were together it was great but trying to work him out was exhausting. It makes sense as I now watch these vids etc.
I am not struggling as he is broken but won’t let me in (it’s 6 months BU) I wanted him back but it’s selfish of me to want him back now as he isn’t in the right frame of mind etc...
I don’t know how to communicate with an FA tho do you have any tips? He won’t let me in whatsoever just reads all my messages etc.
Hello Thais! Thank you so much for your videos. I just watched your video what love feels like for DA and at the end you mentioned you may make a video on what DA would crave in the connection as they become more secure. Would you be able to explain that? Or did I miss it somewhere already before?
Ah yes, in retrospect I went through a sadness deactivation period from a few months after the pandemic until maybe a week ago. I started a list pretty early on of the people I was ghosting so I could follow up with them, and it's 20-30 people strong. Having watched this I'm less a stranger to myself because before I had no convincing narrative to explain why the hell I was acting that way.
My DA partner is going 6 months in sadness deactivating strategy. Appreciate this video a lot. I really wondered if this behaviour of his was genuine.
Hello, FA here. Don't know why, but those 4 last years, i have been acting a lot like a DA. I want to be alone most of the time. And when i decide to meet my family or friend, i feel quickly overwhelmed. And withdraw after a week of connecting with people. I have always had this avoidant side but never to such intensity. I hate feeling this strong urge for withdrawing. People can call me everyday and i found myself unable to answer any calls. I just feel it is too much for me. How do i to get myself out of this overwhelming feeling of being invaded? Talking to people tires me so much.
Things ended for good with me (FA) and my DA last night. It was frustrating to know he was deactivating but I wasn't going to beg him to be with me and he wasn't listening to me anyway. He just insisted that we weren't clicking even though I kept telling him it was a negative feedback loop where he got in his head and distanced and I did the same because of that. I'm done. I made it impossible for him to come back
My mom was very critical of me growing up when anything of a "normal" sexuality issue came up. Fast forward years later, my husband made several comments regarding sexuality and my responsiveness to him, this resulted in major pull back, anger and a shut down sexually towards him. He says it was "suggestions" I took it as critical. Ok, what do I do to deactivate years of shutting down emotionally???
Don't look at it in. terms of years. Look at it as, what can I do in this moment? How WOULD I like to respond? How would a SECURE me respond in this situation? Take one step at a time... compassion...for yourself.
Please can you discuss what you mean by a DA just wanting their power back! Could it be that they only got validation from u. How do u know the difference between wanting validation & actual interest?
Would love to see a video about strategies for DA deactivating strategies
brilliant. this was such a banger
Currently on over a week of being ignored. And I have no idea why. Zippo
Oh great, thanks! I am in a two years lesbian relationship with a DA woman who broke up with me several times. She is not conscious of her wounds and she is just running away from me caise she knows I accept her and love her unconditionally... She doesn't want to change... How to tell her all of this... Where to start?!? THANK YOU ❤️
Loved this. Thank you.😊💚🌿
So helpful!
Is it normal for a DA to already feel triggered in the honeymoon or dating phase?
AA leaning FA with an FA leanding DA. He does many of these strategies, but I don't know how to help him and reestablish conneciton.
When I hear the word dismissive, I think of someone who shoos people away. Like in maybe a snooty sort of way.
What does dismissive mean exactly in the context of attachment?
“Thank you Jeffery, that will be all. Run along now.” Voiced with an English accent and monocle in eye.
Do you do one on one coaching? I’d love a session.
Hi Thais, is there a way to find a therapist who has the knowledge in this field