Sometimes these things can work tho. Tommy Moe got addicted to skiing down the side of a mountain at 80mph, to cure his heroin addiction. It worked too, took him to the olympics, and I think a couple decades later, he's doing ok.
The solution isn’t non monogamy and cuckholdry. It’s not watching porn. That’s it. Anything else is just spinning in circles trying to complicate the problem
Yes and no. True addiction isn’t easily solved by just not engaging in or with the substance. Eventually you will turn back to that substance unless you realign yourself with something higher. For most addicts that is God or some sort of Higher Power.
I was dumbfounded by the suggestion and the fact that April didn't realize how insane it sounded: So your partner watching randos having sex and masturbating = bad, your partner actually having sex with other people = good? Wat?
Part of the reason I started this channel was to also challenge myself with perfectionsim with making videos, so there will be times where I don't extensively expand on a point (and encourage ppl to chat about stuff in the comments, so I can elaborate)! I went into it on another comment but i offered up consensual non-monogamy as a possible unique solution to the problems the people on r/loveafterpron were having: Wives/partners showed deep attachment issues & intense codepenancy - their partner's pron habits were completely destroying their ability to exist in the world. The "addicts" had deep rooted shame around sex, low motivation, inability to connect with others, low interest in self improvement and not willing to be radically open with their partner (bc of the shame). Ethical non-monogamy requires you to challenge all of these things. Jealousy/possessiveness/insecurity/shame are closely tied to fear of abandonment. Pron addiction can be the result of someone not being able to communicate their needs to their partners, low self worth, lacking the skills for true intimacy. i supplied some book reccommendations in the video which are a great starting point. These things can absolutely be achieved without ENM, but personally for me, the benefits of ENM and challenging my poor communication skills & fear of intimacy/abandonment/depression in a safe and FULLY vulnerable communicative agreement was literally like splitting the issue open and draining all the fluid like a cyst. changed me so insanely so i'm sharing my personal experience. that's my point here, hope this elaborated enough :)
I think it's quite on the money from my own perspective. I spoke more about it on some other comments, would love to hear more about your view on this!
@@aprilclucks2 I don't know if anyone should read this, but it'll probably (?) be helpful anyway, it feels. Honestly, I just think that people are the most beautiful when they stay alone, they're more real that way. Some times, you're sad, really desperate for someone to just be there. And that's actually really sweet to see... especially if no one is looking at or touching anyone else. It's pleasant. But if you're getting off to someone else, something else, you **should** absolutely stay by yourself until you come to a better and healthier place with yourself. A point that... you can sit there, in silence, staring at what's in front of you without feeling some inclination to stimulate yourself. Right now, I still feel like I'm lost in that space, losing time and my life. It's heart breaking when I think about it... all of us are basically guilty in some way. And we just aren't living up to our fullest potential as a consequence of feeding into it. And... I spoke to a girl before about this kind of thing. Look, when someone is in that space, they're sinking. You know... you won't save them. And I'm sure anyone **would** want to help them snap back into a better place. But you're just not going to. You act as patient as you can... they slip up, when and where they do, they cum to other people and perverted shit... and you try. You try talking. You try taking steps with them. You tell yourself that they're trying until you see it happen enough times and... it's impossible. I would tell anyone, and I mean **only** to be a friend to anyone ever again; walk away and focus on yourself. Focus on your needs. Forget sex and trying to have intimacy... it's useless. No one cares as deeply as you do, right, that's almost always everyone's perception. You'll have to accept, after trying to understand that you **could** be wrong, that you're not trying as best as you could be. And I'll even admit to myself, you know, because I just couldn't bring myself to answer the question I've been asking myself for the past year... "is there anything to like about me?". I realized that I couldn't answer without feeling that I was dying because it hurt more than anything... well, actually, no. The most hurt I've ever felt was seeing a baby wild rabbit die in my hands as I was trying desperately to save it. And then feeling that it was my fault. Which I still blame myself for. But... no one else could really answer that question for me either. It's like I'm just self destructing. Because while I'm unsure how to live and I find it seemingly impossible often enough to feel, that no, it's no good... the world is a sad place. It's always the most lonely people that seem so ideal... so perfect. But we know they're essentially broken. We aren't going to fix anything. Even for those that chase someone "hot"... those people are attractive to you because in a way, it's like the same as you, what you're doing. The guy that spends so much time on trying to look so muscular is just trying to compensate for something he feels he's lacking. Women do this, too, it just kind of looks a little different. Like trying to work out their glutes... like we all know why you're doing that. You're trying to have a "nice butt" then it appeals to men as though somehow you're more fertile. Obviously this isn't the case, but it works regardless because it's appealing to the right half of the brain, I guess. Like the "monkey" part of everyone's brain - I don't know where the thing is located. What ever. I never claimed to be intelligent. But that's a thing. And men working out so much... well, probably you're after a better goal, like trying to be strong enough to protect yourself and people you care for. But needless to say, there's show-off-y jack asses, too. Taking pictures of themselves and things that they're doing because they want to appeal to people as well. But... I think either way, it's always the same; everyone's trying to make up for something they think is missing. If you chase sex as a male, I think typically, it's like you're trying to say "f--- you" to your dad. If you chase sex as a female, it's because you don't want to feel like you missed out, and you probably had a bad relationship with your dad as well. And you can usually tell... you just ask her. What was your dad like. If she had a good relationship with him, almost certainly, she'll take after something he's passionate about... even his beliefs. Some times, his habits, but not usually. What else... I'd say that, about self destructive behavior like this, it's probable that some part of you just doesn't feel like you really want to live anymore. But, you probably don't exactly want to die either, or at least feel any pain. So you do the next "best" thing. For women, mostly, I see that it's drugs (alcohol counts as well obviously) and sex. Men, I see you do more destructive shit, even going as far as regularly endangering yourselves to feel something - anything but the feeling that life is so empty or meaningless. And obviously this can be women, too, feeling this way... but a lot of the time, it seems the behavior is more in a "fun" sense, so - chasing an impossible high. Stay alone. Seriously... you're not going to die. You'll change for the better. You would see it if you wanted to. **I** want to feel it one day, too; to meet someone and not have anything else in my mind tugging me down. I want to feel that their eyes are on me, meeting mine, without shame or guilt from things they've done or have experienced. And I know... it almost certainly isn't going to be. People make mistakes, they do awful things all the time, but maybe if I'm lucky... hopefully I'll at least make a friend before I'm dead. For all of you, I feel, the best advice you could take... I mean, you're going to think not, but I'd say it's to stay by yourself and don't sleep with anyone. Focus on what goals you have **beyond** having your "special someone". Maybe, one day, it'll come to you, that actually... everyone is special and deserves to be loved or cared for. And you can truly be grateful for each other without the feeling that... "well, wait, maybe **that** person instead is better" (non-committed feelings). Someone that looks out for you, tries their damnedest to take care of you is always the best person, you just don't always feel that you want everything with them. And look, I'm no saint either, I know the feeling of being inclined to go with someone else over a person that I care for. I get it. I'm not innocent. But... I'm trying to do better now and I would really love to see that I'm not alone after all. Because that is basically all I feel anymore. Also, before I finally post this, because it's taken me about three hours... I didn't finish one of my points. I was meaning to say, I had the realization that, probably... I'm just one of those people that dies alone. No family or friends will be there, actually, I'm fairly certain that the only two friends I had when I was a kid - the ones I spent time with outside of school. I believe they're gone because after being capable of finding basically everyone else... I still couldn't find them. So maybe they passed away. I don't know. But it feels like I know somehow. And this leads me to believe that I shouldn't be with anyone. It's like that "everyone I love gets hurt the closer they get" kind of thing. But I also feel like, "the closer I get, the farther away you go" so everything seems like it won't go well for me. I honestly think I should have been some nameless soldier that died in a war... I don't know why I'm here. But even though it's painful to weigh, and to try accepting is a miserable experience, and I feel empty - I think that maybe I was only meant to help other people come together at the best. To restore hope because God damn... everyone seems so hopeless now. Like me... and it makes me sad to see. I'd happily stay alone if it meant everyone else would stop fighting each other, being cruel or careless towards others, and to finally understand that... basically, everyone is like a dog, in a way. You just feed them well enough, you take care of them, and you spend time together that means something to each of you - if that isn't good enough to make them happy with you and be loyal then nothing is. Because even a great white shark is no exception to this. I don't know what anyone else is trying to give as an excuse, but stop it, you're lying. You just want to feel like you earned it, too, that's basically the only real issue there. And at times, as well, it's like that French phrase. "The call to the void"... some times, even when there's nothing wrong, you feel like ruining it. You feel like leaving... and maybe you should if you feel it. But if you're just going to go back to the same thing later then what the hell are you really after? Do you even know what you truly want? No? Then you probably already have it - fulfillment. Just, maybe it isn't with yourself, maybe you just have it with everything else. If that's the case then you really do need to focus on yourself and achieving things. ...anyway. That's all I have to say, I think, but I hope people can derive something positive out of this. And I hope you have a nice day. Thank you for reading this if you did. I'm sorry it was so much.
I couldn’t follow everything you laid out here, but I can relate to feeling isolated. When I feel this way I sing this song to myself. ua-cam.com/video/aO35c9_6uM0/v-deo.html Good things are on the way.
Lol if my boyfriend had this mentality of wanting an open relationship cuz itll make me respect his ability to pull id leave him in a heartbeat. Also calling someone a loser cause they cant just go out and “pull high quality pussy” seems a bit strange coming from a woman sorry
The solution can’t be sex with someone else in this situation, I feel like if you have a porn addiction you’re mind is to focused on sex and more sex with strangers won’t help, I think them and their partner should find a solution between them,if the man from the video for example actually loves his wife and they talk together about it maybe they can both get to understand why he’s watching it or what he gets from it that he thinks he can’t get from her, maybe they could start trying new things,spend more time together so they build more of a connection together. Porn should not drive you to go outside of your relationship.
its very stupid and google is the same company that will give you endless porn results when you search but trying to watch any conversation on porn, rape ect on youtube you cannot tell what the fuck they are talking about. trying to watch eye witness accounts of the diddy parties and their whole statement is blocked out. thanks google.
Agreed. I never would have thought that such a violation of freedom of speech would ever become a reality in democratic countries. The worst part is that even academia (actually _especially_ academia) is infested with wokeness, PC and is clearly biased to the political left - that means that there aren't _any_ e.g. antifeministic peer-reviewed papers, the gold standard for scientific sources, even though it's crystal clear that men meanwhile have a much worse life than women, on average.
This was so insanely therapeutic and interesting to listen to and I don't even nessesarily require the advice. Your ability to talk to a camera for an extended period of time with genuine forethought and introspection is really special. Don't take it for granted. You are really talented.
Hmm, I loved every video of yours I've seen thus far - but I don't know if you realize how insane this sounds. So: masturbating to videos of random people having sex is *WORSE* (and making you feel unattractive) than ACTUALLY having sex with other people for real, i.e. "open relationship) (which somehow, isn't making you feel insecure and jealous) ? Plus, I don't know where the idea that relationships should be this constant stream of excitement, it's completely natural for some monotony to happen, but the upshot (just one of many) is that you build, grow, explore the world and life with a person that's a 100% yours and you are their, and I think that's valuable. You create something beautiful and unique together that isn't really possible if you're "outsourcing" physical and emotional intimacy.
heya, I replied to you on another comment but I do agree with you! Personally I don't think ENM means you make having sex with other people your main objective - sex in general is not the main objective of a relationship after all. it's as you said - growing, building and exploring with one person. We can pour our deepest trust into them and heal a lot that way - but for people who grew up with unstable, violent or neglectful parents, paranoia, shame and fear can seep in and destroy an otherwise healthy connection with someone. Plus these issues can make us "all or nothing" with our partners (i.e unable to connect with people vulnerably on a platonic level - your partner becomes your main source of intimacy, emotional release and validation - and you can completely crumble as soon as this is no longer available, for instance during conflict or if that person is physically unavailable. ENM's main objective is not sex - it's exposure therapy for those deep fears. it's not outsourcing physical and emotional intimacy at all - your partner is fully involved, every step of the way via communication. kinda looks like this: "hey, I'm planning on asking ___ on a date tomorrow. How do you feel about this?" I'm feeling jealous, which is attached to the fear that I'm not good enough or that you'll leave me. I'd love some reassurance here. "I love you, I cherish you so deeply & your emotional wellbeing is so important to me. If you're uncomfortable with this, lmk and I'll call off the date and we can discuss it again when you're in a better place." That's ok - I feel very reassured and I'm empowering myself by choosing to trust you & face this fear. It felt so relieving to actually express how I feel knowing the truth of what you'll be doing, instead of it being this paranoid intrusive thought any time you have a female/male friend that I'll suppress because I don't want to sound crazy. I'll plan on working on some personal hobbies or hanging with friends while you're out. Infact, I'll probably be feeling really buzzed/anxious so I might go for a hike or a run! "Thankyou for trusting me, I will never ever stop reassuring you. I'm so proud of how far you've come. You are the most beautiful person & I love building this life together
@@aprilclucks2 Hey April! Yeah I saw! First of all, allow me to apologize for being a bit crass in my first comment, and thank you for taking the time to write out a thoughtful comment and stimulate discussion. I really like you and think you're smart and fucking hilarious. Okay, let's try to go through these points: while we both agree that sex isn't the main objective of the relationship it is one of it's most important elements. Now, I don't know how you personally view sex, in my opinion it's one of the most intimate acts you can have with another human being (but that's just me). On your next point (regarding growing up in an abusive, unstable, dangerous household), trust me when I say: I completely understand! I'm from Eastern Europe (you might have guessed by my name) and in Slavic countries when I was growing up, beating your kinds while you were growing up was completely normal. My dad beat the shit out of me (hands, belt, you name it) in fact, there were only 2 members of my extended family who never hit me - and my mom not only never helped me, she even did it herself. So I get it, I grew up COMPLETELY fucked up with 1:1 emotional wounds from your description. However, I have to disagree slightly with what you said: I agree that it's not healthy for your partner to be your sole source of stability, but I disagree that you could (or should) be completely independent of them, and shouldn't lean on them. I tend to think of it this way (and general psychology seems to agree): your trauma was caused by bad relationships -> it can only be healed by receiving the opposite of what caused it, and for that, you need other people, you can not heal it all by yourself (the so called "disconfirming experience") Now, I find your examples very interesting, The first scenario sounds good on paper, but (with exceptions, of course) I don't think it works in practice, let me expand: For a person B to respond the way you described (being reassured that their partner was forthcoming with wanting to date someone else) requires an UNGODLY, almost unnatural amount of openness, security and lack of jealousy...or for them to just not care. Which begs the question: why wouldn't they be able to be that cool with their partner watching some naked ti*ts online? I also find it illogical that the person B would be self-conscious about their body MORE if a person watches p*rn, rather than actually dating another actual person. If someone asked me whether I'd be cool with them dating someone else I'd immediately think they don't find me attractive anymore. which isn't insecure - it's just sensible. I just find it completely implausible, like Communism/Socialism (good on paper, impossible in practice), it's just contrary to every instinct we have as humans. Jealousy is a completely natural and normal emotion - when it's not pathological. So is a certain amount of insecurity. Some people like to gaslight you and say that you SHOULDN'T feel that way, sometimes they're right, however if you're actively working towards bettering yourself emotionally and mentally, that includes feeling everything. We can take those two scenarios and completely flip them (and we should)("Hey would you be upset if I watched some adult videos? If you're not cool with it I won't do it and I'll check in with you at a later date and never stop re-assuring you). Firstly, you'd heal from the damage p*rn did and get horny for your partner more and more, secondly imagine the amount of intimacy you could build if your partner is the only one you share that with and they are the only one who make you orgasm (for men at least it's way more reliable, but you know what I'm saying). It sounds to me you value honesty quite a bit (as do I, in fact I don't think a relationship can exist without honesty at all), however I don't think it's enough to put your partner at ease and have them feel secure (both in their attractiveness/body and emotionally) in the scenario of you dating someone else and being intimate with that other person - when sexual jealousy and insecurity(again, attractiveness/bodily and emotional) was the problem to begin with (unless, like I said before: 1. they don't care 2. they're super cool (in which case why was p*rn a problem to begin with?)). I appreciate you and your reply! Edit: added them brackets to clarify insecurity in my last block of text.
Your timing is uncanny, a couple days ago I decided to quit porn, I don't believe I had an addiction I just wanted to better myself, I'm realising it will be more of a transition than I originally thought, I couldn't remember the last time I didn't watch it while masturbating and I'm not okay with that, so it's time for a positive change Thank you for the great video
One thing i have noticed whenever i relapse is that its that much harder to kick the addiction again and i always tell myself the same thing; "oh you had a rough day, you deserve this." And then on top of that, the scope of the categories i watch gets increasingly more depraved until the pendulum swings back the other way and I'm ready to kick the habit again. Then the clock resets itself.
Couldn’t possibly disagree more stridently with you about your thesis here, but you are open and honest about your thoughts and you clearly educate yourself. I respect that. Firmly believe in hearing out people I disagree with as a means of challenging my own ideas and the process was fruitful here. Thank you for the video, I’ll be interested to see where you go from here.
@@0NYX_BLAST3R Her opinion is pretty much shared by a lot of women though. At least, a large portion of the women who advocate polyamory. They aren't advocating polygamy ya know? There are no overlaps between polyamory and polygamous people, you ever think about that?
The idea of liking a partner who is “successful” romantically and is constantly slaying poon is natural and understandable, but big picture you are almost certainly supporting predatory behavior, and picking a partner who will get bored of you. I followed a lot of what the chicken lady was saying but I can’t help feeling she romanticized non-monogamy for some reason. Maybe it works for some, but very often a horrible idea.
I feel like so much of this is a problem of cell phones inherently. They are these slot machines of our worst impulses, and the reality is the darkest part of it is the way we don’t communicate what we’re up to with our partners or friends (touch grass variety specifically). Like, we force relationships to work that aren’t compatible physically because we pursue our weirdness privately instead of finding someone that “matches our freak” through open communication which is an important aspect of a long term relationship’s success.
As someone who's homebase on the net was a mongolian basket weaving forum since before such terms like gooning and coomer even existed, I've gone through that phase of addiction and low self worth. I've also been in one of those long term relationships for the past 19 years. We're ENM currently, and we both have a healthy relationship with each other, and with porn too. We lead quite normal lives, relatively speaking, with none of the jealousy or frequently associated fears of non-monogamy. We're closer than we've ever been, open and honest, and we communicate with each other about everything. So yes, it can work for some people, but it requires that you personally put in a lot of work for both yourself, for your relationships, and for your partners. Plenty of people (an overwhelming majority most likely) get it wrong and blame the idea and concept rather than themselves and the relationship.
Ignoring the higher likelihood of STDs and the darkside of poly relationships, I'd say non-monogamy is not the answer, to any problem, in my experience (what I've seen) it just becomes friends/dating with benefits with extra steps, the reasons for it always being superficial and arbitrary, I'd go as far as to say it hides underlying issues with the persons and within the relationship, like being afraid to commit (people should really learn to communicate). If you have kids I'd say going that route would be even worse. Sexual intimacy makes up only a part of a relationship and it seems now a days it's the main focus, I know correlation doesn't mean causation but a trend I have seen is the relationships that turn poly were most of the time built upon a sexual foundation. I guess I'm old fashioned but from what I've seen it won't ever be for me, for me my highest priorities are not fleeting sexual experiences, its raising good children and dedicating love to my wife. I believe there is something special when you commit yourself to a single human being, and when you "open" that up you're throwing that special something away, and I'm not even religious. P.S Corn addiction is a problem, more and more studies that are coming out point to it being pretty sinister and showing proof towards how it changes your brain, ED issues, death gripping to name a couple. It does effect everyone differently, I almost feel like corn sites should have a disclaimer like a pack of smokes. The only solution I have seen is some self help strategies if you're not in to deep, but if you are, you need therapy and you need to be willing to change and be better for yourself, and for your partner, if you're with someone. Be strong, be better, just my 2 cents
FYI some people are wired differently ( got asked as a 4 year old-upwards and incapacitated/hospital so my answer doesn't change if anything forced answer/monogamous who's you're favourite/wife's-name SO crash's the internal-programing dr/1-wife tried that once+med'd-up making me sound lunny-bin gladly i don't remember much just she/jess said never trying that again bad-idea... better to ask who are your wife's/family-members/kid's names ) in my case im naturally a trident-marriage ( can get WWW to work( forget Male's MM=bad-outcomes even as a wife-role id becomes a sassy... ) but feels way harder/not worthwhile id do that to make my wife's happy and or support my siblings widowed+kid's/*-reasons ) type and high parenting drive and relationships wise lower level of sex driven than the wife's are so sex isn't/was the foundation for my experience's with it and at work people plus my friends and family noticed my personality changes being single or monogamous lifestyle and it's not healthy even it noticed ( tried in 2014~ to shrug it off and or worrying about cop's/enforcements of USA law ect, looking back/2025/30's-yo probably made it worse-off ) this, so im not for outright banning as it can heal others and like you pointed at not being religious and or western cultures/governmental vs state there's separation and yes it's key evan for me/polly/LGBTQIA+/Christians sec's/faith's is it for everyone no but celibate( uncle is a gay+ACE yes weird-combo but im not judgmental just don't understand how it works ) isn't either....
Just finished watching your short kings video and now this one, as a “short king” who is also struggling with gooning, your videos just filled a place in my heart that had always been empty. Sincerely, thank you.
I personally see open relationships and PA as two sides of the same coin, s3x addiction. Women who are drawn to open relationships tend to have personality traits that I don't find desireable. I'm sure I'd feel the same way about men if I wasn't straight.
After watching this video, yea, its full of cope. She is blind to what monogamy is, I highly doubt she has ever really felt what real commitment is, and what it does to your connection with someone else. Its so weird it oppens with this 'you were cumming to other women' thing. but ends with it too, like "you were cummign WITH other women' is so much better, cus then the guy isn't a loser cus hes 'pulling' this is the female perspective, and the mindless, modern, goonbrained female perspective, completely blind to what happens when you actually for real deal really commit to someone, and work through things with them. It also just ignores completely that this isn't male psychology, and when she assures us there is a place where you're freed from whatever makes you not want your partner to fuck other people... its just invalidating men, saying they should have the female psychology and get over not having it. I like this girls videos usually but this is just sad and gross, and she sounds like a loser, even if she is 'pulling'. Shes all about what she 'loses' be being monogamous, but willfully blind to anything that could be gained. Dating this girl would be like just having a friends with benefits. Nothing is truly intimate unless it is special, otherwise, you're just taking an intimate act and making it... less intimate. And that does always seem to be the thing, a woman wants what she sees the benefits of a relationship being, but also wants to go out and have fun. Have her cake and eat it too.
I agree with you to an extent. As a bi guy mainly dealing with trans, I get that feeling too with them. I already give off the intimate vibe too early in when I get with them it feels like I'm pressuring them and it's me and my initial energy. Lack of communication on my part as I'm too afraid of them saying yes to an exclusive relationship than cheating. I know they fool around later on because I have seen texts with other people yet how can I blame them when I never vocalized what I wanted in the first place and that obviously turns me off and we end up not having sex.
@@davidgreenwood6029But what the poster is saying is that it would be much better to be open than to be PA because PA disconnects one further from the body. So I fit that description of the person who thought negative of non monogamous relationships when it would probably suit me the best. I do think non-monogamous is a cop out yet monogamous relationships aren't for everyone though. So the part Clanky read twice I think is a failure on the people cheating, not able to communicate sincerely their needs of wanting something more to their partner. She probably understands that well having delt with PA and being in both monogamous and non-monaganous relationships. The book recommendations is a sign that she probably read the books and worked on herself. She was very clear and gave clear examples. Clanky is legit man
@@antp007gaming You say monogamy isn't for everyone, just like that is self evident? Yea sure not EVERYONE but I think there are a lot of people who just need to admit they fail at it because they need to grow up, not because they need to imagine some brave new world of new ways of being cus everything's just a social construct or whatever. Idk, Just like you saying stuff like its self evident, I don't really see any of this stuff being supported at al, by anything. Its all just said because its the stuff you want to believe is true. She also said masturbation is the opposite of dissociative, that its ressociative (not a word, the opposite of dissociative is grounding, but she wouldn't use that word would she?) is delusional. She said it like its self evident, just like all this shit, but if you actually stop and think about it, what does that mean? Its impossible. If you're masturbating, you're fantasizing. Thats dissociative. Or, you're masturbating to your own reflection, completly in love with yourself. Still dissociating, not grounding. Just dissociating into pure vanity. And again, you say someones legit like thats self evident, but provide nothing compelling to someone who does not already think so and agree with you. Its all just mental masturbation. Its your life tho. And no she doesn't really talk about working on herself at all, about having to learn and grow at all, or how she did, or what she had to overcome. Its all the invalidation that is someone else has feelings, they should overcome those feelings because theyre not valid anyways, just societal hangups or whatever. And sure, yea talk about htem, no matter how irrational they are, theres an elements of openness and acceptance there, but its still invalidating. Assuming them to be irrational, never saying, what do you do with feelings that are valid, that aren't irrational, cus not everything is a social construct? Nah they don't exist.
@davidgreenwood6029 I understand what you mean with masturbation being dissociative. Maybe not as dissociative when you have porn added to it, which is what I think she was saying, that masturbation alone is better and more grounded and that you can do it together with a partner. Also I agree with everything you say, and also that this route could be a better route to slowly get away from porn addiction. Great points raised for sure.
Ayyyy new channel. Hell yeah. Porn was only a problem in relationships for the women I am with due to their own insecurity. Non-monogamy is too much work, and just adds more insecurity to the mix in my experience.
If your partner is ‘pulling cool people’ you’re probably going to become very jealous and it’s gonna cause major problems in the relationship. It’s a really great way to blow up a relationship because ‘things got stale.’ Any long-term relationship (marriage, really) is gonna have seasons and some of them are dry. You’re going to fall in- and out of love with them several times. Learning how to be enough for yourself and another person (just one) is hard enough for one lifetime. Oh, and don’t watch pr0n, it’s bad for your brain. 💫
My own porn addiction basically ruined my first ever real relationship, it caused me to lie and take my guilty feelings and take it out on my ex girlfriend, but thank the fucking gods that I never did any of this shit
As someone who's currently recovering from a relapse after nearly 10 years without pron knowing and remembering that feeling of freedom is it's own kind of heroin. I'd personally never consider non-monogamy as my therapy but can vouche for openness in a relationship about the topic. Being able to sit down with your partner when you're feeling triggered is a blessing. Keep fighting the good fight April.
genuinely since 2019 been all i been doing pure funnily got worse more out hand after quitting another behaviour drinking, and gambling, and after injury that took me out of doing sport i loved.
Hard for me to quit because i get triggered everytime i catch a glimpse at my reflection. It's hard being this hot. 1st step is to remove all the mirrors in my house
I appreciate your takes on this. I just wanted to add a little something about non monogamy. Ive been in a non monogamous relationship as well, not necessarily to help with porn addiction. There are different forms of non monogamy and they may not work for everyone, and i think thats okay. Not everyone is into that. I myself found that it didnt work for me. I dont think being okay with non monogamy for ones own relationship is necessarily a part of growing as a person, but its definitely something to think about. Many people see it as taboo still, but for growth i believe its important to examine our thoughts on non monogamy and our possible aversions to it. Asking why you may have a bias towards the idea is key to personal growth, but that kind of relationship just might not be for you. For some people, non monogamy could really be a game changer in a good way and help reconnect them with people. However, iive found that many people, myself included, really can only handle that kind of intimacy with a consistent partner. When porn comes into the picture, i believe that these negative emotions (expressed by the person in the reddit post that you mention) are coming from a place of deep loneliness. The desire to be wanted, the feelings of isolation, and negative personal image seem to compound into feelings of worthlessness. In many cases, this eventually turns to resent and anger that can be projected onto a spouse who watches porn. I like your point about masturbation being a potentially empowering experience that can reconnect someone with their sense being because i believe that can be a very important tool for fighting that sense of lonliness and worthlessness which start many negative psychological behaviors. Perhaps the reddit poster could try a little of this empowering masturbation themselves. I do think that theres a need for being "wanted" and to be desired in a relationship, so that may not get to the root of the issue. Its also important to point out that other forms of media and technology also contribute to this isolation from more than just significant others. Finding a remedy in non monogamy is perfectly fine, but it may not be a cure all when the issues of this lonliness go a bit deeper psychologically. Social media and the internet have changed human interaction forever, and we are just starting to see the longer term downsides of that as a society. We are becoming increasingly lonely as humans. This is being observed all across the globe in every country that has widespread internet. As weird as it is to say, this porn and masturbation issue could just be the tip of the iceberg. Take all of this with a grain of salt because lifes different for everyone, but id like to hear if anyone else has similar or drastically different experiences with this kind of thing. What do you think contributes to this increasing loneliness?
As a bloke, like others have said, this was therapeutic to hear. Just came out of a abusive relo that I used porn to cope with and I appreciate this. Gives me some direction and understanding. I'm definitely going to try to be more present and connected with myself rather than looking to porn to feel good. Not into open relos at all but porn is something I can get rid of for my own betterment going forward.
Very wise chicken lady. Subject matter is very timely. It’s crazy how these unhealthy experiences can add up. Once or twice and maybe you excuse it as no big deal but all of the sudden years pass and you’re stuck in this spiral that feels uncomfortable without.
Was it easy for you being open about porn addiction? I've been going to therapy for years and I felt comfortable talking about almost ANYTHING but my porn addiction. I still feel very guilty admitting it to people who know me and not sure what to do. I don't think it's a thing I can do completely alone so I'd like to be more open about it.
Hey, i know its an overused phrase but you unironically aren't alone with being ashamed of talking about it. Being honest in this way has been incredibly freeing and shame is such a crazy powerful cage that trap us. I'd reccommend starting with forums or even youtube comment sections & reading other people's stories. once you get more comfortable with talking about it online, then you may be ready to challenge yourself irl. I quest you with this: tell ONE person you trust about it. Make it a funny thing, I use self-depreciating humour as a way to make it less cringe. we have to assimilate the shame somehow before we can release it. Comedy is the perfect outlet. call urself a brainrotten gooner who wants to be president one day so you gotta kick the habit and try being normal haha i wish you the best of luck, my friend :)
never really addicted, but i took the “hard” (yet much easier) road, and just asked my significant other if they were interested in watching something together. if anything, it helped our relationship, just having the balls to ask about her opinion on the whole thing in general. and we learned a lot about each other, and relieved a lot of our unknown insecurities. (turns out, she would rather “experiment” with other women, which was a surprise, and a relief in a way) long story short, pron/etc, is okay as long as you’re using it as a tool WITH your partner/significant other, rather than using it as an escape from them.
i’m not condoning, or condemning the use of exterior visual stimulation, just stating that, if you must indulge in exterior “fruit”, it is much easier (in my experience) to do it together.
This was actually super refreshing from someone I was totally expecting a dose of comedy from with this video. Really interesting perspectives and personal story on a subject I’m pretty sure most of us relate to on some level. Thank you for sharing. 🤙🏼
Getting a partner is hard enough. Getting a partner who is okay with ENM and giving you that space for both/all of you to heal sounds like finding a needle in a haystack.
I don't know man. Me and girl have great comminucation and understand each other but in addtion to fantstic sex life we each have our own goon seshies. We dont need to tell the other whenever we do it but sometimes we do because it's mildy funny to us. Both of us do not consume porn on a daily basis.
I think the thing about p.a. is that you **wish** you had intimacy. Intimate relationships with someone and... really, the most intimate thing anyone can do with someone else **is** have sex, and women would ordinarily feel used by men if they have sex often enough. And beyond that, there comes a point that I think anyone would question, "is sex the only thing you want from me?" due to sleeping together at all. It turns into this feeling that there's like a power struggle. So they want to have control... that eventually seems like manipulation through men's perspective (through withholding sex) and I think over all, the only thing you can do is walk away, because that thought or feeling will always be there **somewhere** in your mind / heart. I've heard too many stories, in real life and online, shit always ends the same. And when the people separate, as they inevitably seem to, they always **eventually** circle back to that experience with someone else (assuming they do find someone else they feel that way for). It's sad. This is why I also feel like it's useless to try for anyone at this point - this in combination with feeling financially used. I think exercising is essentially mandatory for everyone... and work your body to the extent that you can **not** move without being in incredible discomfort or even pain - to avoid the temptation of falling back into the loop. And, again, I mentioned it before. Actually, you even mentioned it in this video; you **need** to think and feel that you're making progress to get away from bad habits like this. As a side note, by the way, I'm sorry that you slipped recently. I hope things become easier for you and everyone else. This is definitely a vicious cycle.
Maybe I'm weird but I don't get where the whole jealousy from finding anyone else attractive come from, like to me i couldn't give a fuck if my partner watches porn, comments that they find other people hot, anything like that as long as they're not sleeping with other people. I'm also someone who's down with polyamory so idk that probably plays a factor. I'm really thankful I'm like 99% over my physical insecurities so I don't ever feel like someone's attraction to me is dependent on my physicalality so I figure any time someone wanted to be with someone else or peave me it would be because their emotional needs aren't being met or that other person is just more compatible for them so who am I to try and prevent that by being like "you can only have eyes for me" My only problem with pornography is how some of the perfomers are treated and how it can help perpetuate misogyny but idk I've seen some pretty tasteful (imo) adult content and i don't think seeing stuff like that would warp someone's idea of sex or women like how some of the trashy stuff does. I definitely don't watch porn much if I'm having regular intimacy in a relationship but I also haven't met anyone yet that has matched my libido even if we have sexual chemistry and the relationship is going well so i gotta get that energy out somehow. I think it's a rare person that would consistently go 1-2 rounds a day and thats pretty much always been my baseline. Also mutual masterbation can be nice but sometimes you gotta get a break from your partner. Also to me I don't get the whole porn addiction thing to me my masturbation regularity doesn't change much between watching porn vs not its just that I can cum quicker so its like a convenience thing but I honestly prefer masturbating without it because my orgasms are stronger but usually first thing in the morning its like "I gotta get this horny energy out so i can clear my mind and start my day" and like i said I prefer the stronger orgasm of not using porn but sometimes I just wanna get it done and move on with my day.
I've heard a lot of conflicting information suggesting that this addiction might not even exist, particularly a correlation between being ashamed of usage and calling it an addiction. Those who aren't ashamed don't identify as addicts despite typically having a much higher rate of consumption.
The philosophy of nonmonogamy as a solution to pron addiction is less "bro what if you were slayin puss everyyyyy day and cucking ur partner lol" and more "you are using pron as an ultra short cut to a true sense of accomplishment and intimate connection that you may be afraid of or unsure how to have, so instead of continuing to live in shame and becoming even further disconnected from yourself and your partner by allowing an addiction to fester (often leading to extreme desensitisation, fukt up fetishes, more shame etc) you enter into an agreement to be fully vulnerable and free yourself of that shame around sex by engaging deeper, more honest communication with your partner, scheduled relationship check ins (monogamous couples rarely do this and it's SO important), encouraging trust between you both because you are facing the blockage in the relationship (the addict's desire to coom without putting in effort to connect intimately & the other partner's codependant reliance on the other person to make them feel good about their body or motivate them to personal success and growth). Anecdotally a majority of pron addicts probably do not have the compulsions toward actual irl sex. personally i didn't want to be touched or even hugged by others. this is in some ways the crux of the issue that trust-fostering, shame-killing consentual nonmonogamy can help heal for everyone involved
@@aprilclucks2 Not really sure how any of those points need non-monogamy to work, but I to confess that this is not my area of expertise. You do seem to know what you're talking about! THough I believe that it rarely works going from monogous to non-monogous in a relationship.
@@aprilclucks2 I also just have to say that I really enjoyed your video, I've only seen your short sketches about chickens before, dind't know you did these longer vids, but you're really good at it!
@@aprilclucks2literally just watch the porn with your partner. Make the association of self pleasuring a coupling activity. Unless you have a fetish where you get off on your partner fucking other people, or you're incredibly emotionally resilient (you aren't if porn is ruining your relationships) then non-monogamy is only going to drive a greater wedge in your relationship. Seriously.
I rarely comment on videos I've seen, but this one actually made me want to. So far, I've only been in a relationship once and for a relatively short time and I'm still somewhat confused and scrambled about what I want out of a romantic relationship with someone else. I don't want to go into the specifics, but I think part of this confusion is the short life experience to draw from. However I believe biggest part is definetly the porn addiction that I never truly accepted I had. The section of the video that spoke out to me the most was the masturbation as a tool for getting to better know one self. It made me remember the first time I masturbated and it was just like how you described it. An experience detached from a need to cum and more focused on feeling and experiencing yourself physically. All in all, I just want to truly thank you for guiding me to confront my porn addiction and reflect upon it. btw, like someone else said, you're really good at talking and explaining your mind and thoughts in front of a camera
I feel sm of your sexual perception in myself is actually bizarre .past and present self. “Scorpio ascendant here” You’re incrediblly helpful with emotional growth! you opened my eyes to what I have been feeling with myself since not using pron .connnectedness to myself/centeredness/healing/ improved relationships family/friends/strangers!/ my ability to pull/ my confidence Xoxo my heart ❤️
I noticed when I quit watching porn and practice abstinence. I went 4 weeks straight but I notice I looked at women differently and wasn’t even tempted. Just admired them more than anything. But no sudden urges. It was pleasant and kinda Odd. But over all. I felt that I figured out how the universe works lol if that makes any sense?
I went the opposite way with it. I just decided to go voluntarily celibate. It’s a psychological blessing and almost feels like a superpower to walk around committed not wanting the thing that girls think all men want. At 27, being a jobless, sexless loser has been the best and most liberating decision I’ve ever made. Now I’m getting ready to go back to school for political science and focus on leading the way!
Pretty interesting insights from a female perspective on all this. Not something I come across... uuh ever, at least so far on my time on the internet. I've been mostly porn free for about 5 years now, and was an addict for almost 2 full fucking decades. My first sexual experience was at 8 too, so all that combined I've always been hypersexual while also being somewhat ashamed of being so sexual. It's been a process to say the least. Anyway, quitting porn was the best thing I ever did. I'm now working on 1 year of celibacy and it's been incredibly rewarding, although I can strongly relate to how masturbation can be a great way to get in tune with one's self and one's energy. I did that for a time with no ejaculation and it was actually really healing. When I'm done with the 1 year I hope to find a partner who I can talk with about spiritual things such as this and grow with. Thanks for your insights
You are 100% correct On porn use. You are 1000% incorrect about open relationships. An open relationship should never start in the middle of a monogamous relationship especially one that is suffering from intimacy problems All that does is push people further apart. If a guy isn't showing interest in his wife so they open the relationship, what's likely to happen? And what happens most of the time is the wife gets extreme amounts of attention while the husband doesn't. So the wife feels guilty. The husband starts to hate the wife than when he finally does meet somebody who actually wants him. He ends up falling in love with that person and leaving his wife for them. There's thousands of stories on the non-porn side of Reddit😂. Also you shouldn't tell people to just bring up an open relationship because most guys I don't know about girls but most guys see that as you are already cheating on me. You just want a way to not feel guilty about it. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not completely against an open relationship but I've been with my wife for 18 years now. We are not just opening up and it being fine but if I had met somebody and went out with them as an open relationship from the beginning. I think that would be completely fine because I wouldn't have taken my mind to that point. That jealousy would matter I also think you're young and you're doing stuff. You know you have time. We have two kids and full-time jobs. There isn't fucking time for us to be fucking around with other people. We got barely enough time for us to be able to fuck I sure as hell ain't letting her fuck other dudes. So what I've personally done is I have quit porn, quit masturbating and refocused my energy on my wife and our relationship and that's what people should do when they're in a relationship and they feel the need to use porn is to rededicate your full attention to them.
This video was really opening for me as somebody who has been addicted to the pron and affected my partner with my behaviors and lack of openness, my partner who was also codependent and deeply self-conscious about their body and others' perceived attraction of them. The relationship has since ended and I aim to introduce tantra into my life, though my libido has fluctuated greatly since being in the relationship. I like your suggestion of ENM and your explanations of it here in the comments. Thank you so much for making this video :)
You are right, but porn is an addiction like anything else. TBH, I don't need porn if I'm satisfied in my relationship. Mentally & sexually. But girls have not been satisfied & cheated on me. I'm really anxious & for me to talk to another girl to get pussy is not an easy task. So jacking it to porn was just easier. Of course, we all justify our own actions. If you happen to read this comment, I love your videos. You're beautiful & thought provoking, & the world needs more girls like you. I've only met a few as cool & pragmatic as you. Keep up the vids.
I agree, honestly, it's good to see people being human. Especially since 2008... everything is just people trying to be famous. I'm sick of it. Just be honest and you can still get famous while staying true to yourself, just don't sell out, don't be another asshole simply saying "wow - look at this problem" then doing nothing to try helping if you supposedly care. Open up, God damn it, tell the truth. People that are so human have the best relationships anyway. So yeah, she's pretty great, it feels humanizing seeing this. Instead of... "men are disgusting", what ever, always pushing a narrative. I'm glad to see she isn't doing that. We're not just animals.
I think it is important to emphasise when people (including me) say "polygamy isn't for everyone" it doesn't mean it's a 50/50 on wether you'll enjoy or not. I think there are very little people who can actually have a happy and healthy relationship while knowing their partner has had/will have sex with others. For the vast majority, this will be heartbreaking and for some even traumatic, so I advise no one tries to gaslight themselves into thinking this is something they should be okay with. Normalising different types of love is important, but so is understanding that, more often than not, you are part of the majority that enjoys the norm. Nothing wrong with that. Btw nothing against you or your points, I just wanted to give my 2 cents on polygamy.
I felt understood, both the dark and the bright. thanks for that. However not sure how polygamy will pan out with kids in the picture, if you ever want any
Maybe this solution just doesn't apply to me, but I just can't stand the ideia of having sex with a woman I don't intend to have a relationship with. Nor can I stand the idea having a intimate partner fucking someone else just for the sake of it. I really do give importance to sex and intimacy and using it for pleasure alone seems exploitative to me.
You're so right about the heroin part. Wow. I am about to be 27 and still tragically trying to figure out why and how we [humans] have relationships. My whole view of the worlds and goals was just ... so distorted. Thank you for your vulnerability.
Sincerely, thank you for talking about this. I don't know if I necessarily agree with the non-monogamy part, but in general I think it's a good thing that we are talking about p*** addiction
When i was stopping weed, my initial solution was to replace it. I wanted to replace it with psilocybin. Not a lot, like 400mg or something on occasion. The solution to curbing an addition, is not to justify using something else, its to ellimimate the bad habit all together and think logically about how that will affect your life. Is being high going to improve my life? No, its going to waste my time chasing a feeling that always fades until all the time is gone and my life is wasted. The only time doing something else bad in its place should be done is to help ease the pain from removing the old stimulus, afterwhich the new stimulus will be easier to stop. You body simply adapts to what you give it. So do what's right for it in ever case, and it will adapt and overcome. But dont replace one bad thing with another unless the pain is literally so bad that it causes problems in your life. Like alcohol, going to weed temporarily while you're getting clean.
Im only like 5 mins in but to be honest most of it is just eith it being positively reinforced. Im a younger dude(19) so i can only speak for guys like college age, but dudes be on streaks like people would be smokers in the 60s. I kind of grew out of it for some reason at like 17 cause its kind of just not enjoyable for me personally anymore, I'll feel tired and shit after so i just dont do it but it is mostly mechanical for most guys who do do it. By proxy it also makes guys more intimately feeble with getting in relationships in my age group. Most guys i know pedastalize relationships or girls or go after girls who to be honest are not the best looking relative to themselves not because they think their personality is great but because they think it'll be easy.
To be honest without the context of a partner I just feel like it's making yourself more suspecitble on a downward spiral. When you brought up your personal experiences I thought yeah mental stimulus is fine but it's like a gateway drug. I guess it's more about how individually you are capable of keeping that in check, everyone says they can but it's not easy for a lot of people to give in to that cope. I'd rather have it not be on the table at all and I personally don't struggle or really think abt it so I just opted for engaging with myself sexually in the context of a partner and I feel a lot better overall for it
Damn this is getting drawn out but I just came up on your thing of relapsing. The reason I do not think doing it while single is necessarily great is cause I tried(first starting mentally) it and I got dragged back into the void of doing it maybe daily on average for 2-3 weeks. Another thing I note is that it might be partially why relationships feel so out of reach for dudes my age. This year coming back to uni for my sophmore I had two friends open up to me about it being their goal to get a girlfriend and told them that's probably the most ass backwards goal to have. It sort of makes it to be that anyone can fill that requirement for something you should be meticulous about if the check the box of having box. When I tell them I try feeling out girls on a "do we get along well" level before asking them out instead of just jumping yo try and figure out the formula to convince them to be with me I realized most guys(my age current) sort of pedastalize relationships in a worhsip-y type of way that ironically is what keeps them out of them with the people they'd want to be one in.
The Ethical Slut is a very good book regarding consensual non-monogamy. Whether you are a strictly monogamous person or not, I think this book has good advice on ethics within relationships that everyone should ponder. I think it really applies to this situation as well (the addiction to ponogaphy that may be affecting your relationships).
april i would listen to you scrolling around google maps giving restaurant reviews. "this one is shit. this one is epic. this one is dirtier than a prison wallet. this one i just get the popcorn shrimp and leave javier a crisp $20"
I am very buffled by how certain people view sex in their relationship. To be fair I only had two relationships in my life but in both cases it was accepted to watch porn or masturbate (especially given we werent living together). In my second relationship, when we were living together I would masturbate only when my partner was exhausted and usually as a way to get intense stress out for me to sleep (I was studying at the time and i would spend countless hours over a screen and book with physical stress like feeling my stomach getting squeezed, sweating randomely getting hyper active etc.), as far as i was aware she would masturbate only when i wasnt available and she thought it was an innappropriate time. When it comes to our sex, i mean if you cant enjoy the most basic vanilla sex with your partner and you need layers upon layers of fetishes and sexual phantasies, it feels like you are fighting a lost battle. I do like spice, maybe more than my last partner did, but at the end of the day the communication through sex required no spice and the enjoyment and fulfillment came from the communication itself, the rest were just additions. I feel people tend to get weirdly egotistical, focusing on enjoying themselves so much to the point that they cant even let loose and like mentally communicate with their partner. By the way I dont mean to say that people are egotistic in the very raw way, sometimes they try to validate their relationship so hard through getting the enjoyment that we think is necessary, but again the matter of fact is that the enjoyment comes from the communication. The scariest thing ive experienced is that many people can't quite understand what i even mean by communication during sex, which this genuinely frightens me as a concept. I will elaborate on that one a little bit but i feel there is no good way of explaining it. When you are with another person naked and with physical touch and looking at each others eyes you get the sense of certain feelings that in other scenarios require more than just looking at each other. Safety, warmness, affection, caress etc and in this kind of situation the sexual pleasure and exstacy is more of a background rather than the driving sense you go for. I hope my point was delivered well enough for people to get my idea. Also the reason that I genuinely dont find any point in having multiple partners is because i feel that kind of communication is getting noisy when you are interacting with many different people that have different ways of communicating during sex, tp be fair i havent tried, but for both of my relationships it took quite a while to meet the other person and understand their way of perceiving things to get there. Adding two more people like that, even if you arent planning to go that deep with them makes it complicated.
In b4 "thinking is autistic". Any relationship requires both assertiveness, a personality, and understanding the other person. Problem is, most people don't want to notice their partners' personalities, let alone work with. Instead, they call the people who do out on being mentally ill, forcing potential partners of people capable of caring into their own arms. And so, people waste each other's time and someone ends up ranting on reddit about scrubbing their "loved one"'s shit out of the toilet bowl.
Even just the first minute of this video strikes as completely bizarre. Like, really? We're dealing with women in committed relationships, whose men are watching spice? They're telling us they can't fix _this_ themselves? _This_ of all things? Absurd.
i am so confused why people who obviously dont want to have sex with their partners are upset that their partners are pleasuring themselves. like its not their business! this is so confusing
There is no amount of change I can make to myself that will make my wife any less tired and disgusted with herself from being an overworked mother of four who doesn't have time to do any of the self-care, workout etc that she needs to feel okay about having sex. Haven't had a date night in months. Every night we sit together on devices and pass out on the couch til the 1yo wakes up around 12-1am ish. There's no way to get our sex life back as long as we have young kids without our income situation changing significantly (afford childcare during the day so she can have time to herself, plus babysitters & date nights more often). We're just stuck. And I get to choose between sinning behind her back, or being faithful and miserable. Am I missing something?
I think the right aprouch for this this situation in the sub reddit is Couples Thearpy. Or maybe just breaking up. Non-Monogamy i am not so sure about tho.
I've certainly experienced the eventual restrictions of adhering to a monogamous commitment (having 2 ex-wives and several relationships in between). The 2nd ex-wife not only killed my love for her (through oppression and narcissistic control etc -- I almost became misogynistic as a result), but also made me realise that I'm far better suited to non-exclusive relationships
Been thinking about cutting back on my p0rn usage and eventually quitting, and this video kinda helped me put some things in perspective. More recently, I think it also played a role in hurting a potential relationship, as it made me less present with my partner (there were other factors outside of porn though, like distance for example). I don't really have any experience with ENM but I used to be pretty skeptical of it, but I never thought about how it could be used to help alleviate a porn addiction which is pretty interesting.
*I've been into prn for 25 years and it's never been an addiction. 2 or 3 times a week, a bored moment, I rub it out 👌 relieves stress and clears my mind, I move on. of course since the pandemic, it's been 5 times a week 😂 but honestly, I have too much shit to do to ever be addicted to anything* 💀
I struggle with pron use and I happen to have lived the same thing you did. You slowly lose your sense of self and stagnate because you keep going back to pron. That said, I don't consider pron use as an addiction because I think obsession is a better descriptor. I agree that it's big accessibility is the worst thing that has happened to us, but let's not forget that social media is full of thirst traps, subtle (and some not so subtle) references and shameless plugging of OF accounts. Quitting pron is the only solution, but it's a process that takes time, you don't stop one day and suddenly feel "fixed".
I don’t think I agree that open relationships can solve relationship problems stemming from compulsive porn use. However, I definitely resonate with what you said about masturbating without porn having the potential to be healing and centering
It would be super cool if women could emotionally bond with their husbands instead of expecting him to just deal with his urges independently and rejecting his mentality because it is not exactly the same as hers. We dont need to be fixed by our partner, we need be loved.
I wonder how much ‘pron’ is the main problem, maybe it’s part of the larger lonelyness pandemic due to use of the interwebs and social media…also depression, anxiety and burnout for workers pile on this problem…i feel most people just need more human connections and honesty about love, lust and the true dirtyness of existence…wish all y’all strength, courage and more true connections ❤🙏🏽✊🏽🙏🏽❤
There's a great book on the subject, "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow," I think that too often the solutions given are mostly "just give it up yo" without actually providing an alternative to strive for. The general subject the book goes towards is this mysterious "Karezza" approach, and there's also the (wayback) site reuniting.info that is quite fascinating, especially the testimonials
The issue with any discussion of sex addiction and porn addiction is that our culture is still so conservative the discussion is often focused on the “substance” per se of use as the villain. Like that’s talked about as the start and end of the issue when at the end of the day it’s far more due to emotional and sociological factors.
funny how I saw this video after gooning myself and very based that you're being open about it. have definitely felt better whenever I'm able to abstain from porn and other distractions and addictions but it's hard man..
I have a friend who went as far as to move to another country to be with a woman, they spent a good 7 years together through high points and low points. She cheated when he was in a slump and he left her going back to his home country leaving 7 years of integrating into another country behind. There is nothing as unattractive to most people as cheating, and while yes there are some who are into it the ones who are make up such a small monority you can't really be advocating for it as general advice. There may be women who listen to your video thinking they should cheat to retain their man when his libido is in a slump only to find themselves broken up with.
I'm like in a weird spot where I think I've finally accepted that porn is an addiction cause some types of porn really do hit different and I relate quite a bit to the heroin comparison. I'm not sure why I relapsed but this is a tougher addiction to fight than nicotine was...
Porn is not inherently bad inside or outside of a relationship. If one uses it so often it interferes with work, relationships, etc., that’s bad and likely an addiction. However, anyone who polices how their partner chooses to get off solo and lets their insecurities consume them is the partner with the problem.
I'm just glad that my childhood and the majority of my adolescence was free from the internet, because the internet didn't exist yet (in the way it does today) We were forced to talk to each other and there was no *_Tinder._* Things have really changed in my lifetime, it's strange being born in the mid-80s. Even though I'm technically a Millennial; a "Geriatric Millennial" (Xennial) I feel like I'm part of a homeless Generation.
I tried gambling to cure my video game addiction.
'Surprise mechanics". The gambling gateway drug.
Good luck !
I became a full-blown alcoholic to cure my mild opiate addiction.
no joke how i fixed my alcoholism
Sometimes these things can work tho. Tommy Moe got addicted to skiing down the side of a mountain at 80mph, to cure his heroin addiction. It worked too, took him to the olympics, and I think a couple decades later, he's doing ok.
The solution isn’t non monogamy and cuckholdry. It’s not watching porn. That’s it. Anything else is just spinning in circles trying to complicate the problem
Agreed
Yes and no. True addiction isn’t easily solved by just not engaging in or with the substance. Eventually you will turn back to that substance unless you realign yourself with something higher. For most addicts that is God or some sort of Higher Power.
I was dumbfounded by the suggestion and the fact that April didn't realize how insane it sounded: So your partner watching randos having sex and masturbating = bad, your partner actually having sex with other people = good? Wat?
Part of the reason I started this channel was to also challenge myself with perfectionsim with making videos, so there will be times where I don't extensively expand on a point (and encourage ppl to chat about stuff in the comments, so I can elaborate)!
I went into it on another comment but i offered up consensual non-monogamy as a possible unique solution to the problems the people on r/loveafterpron were having:
Wives/partners showed deep attachment issues & intense codepenancy - their partner's pron habits were completely destroying their ability to exist in the world. The "addicts" had deep rooted shame around sex, low motivation, inability to connect with others, low interest in self improvement and not willing to be radically open with their partner (bc of the shame).
Ethical non-monogamy requires you to challenge all of these things. Jealousy/possessiveness/insecurity/shame are closely tied to fear of abandonment. Pron addiction can be the result of someone not being able to communicate their needs to their partners, low self worth, lacking the skills for true intimacy. i supplied some book reccommendations in the video which are a great starting point.
These things can absolutely be achieved without ENM, but personally for me, the benefits of ENM and challenging my poor communication skills & fear of intimacy/abandonment/depression in a safe and FULLY vulnerable communicative agreement was literally like splitting the issue open and draining all the fluid like a cyst. changed me so insanely so i'm sharing my personal experience. that's my point here, hope this elaborated enough :)
@@aprilclucks2 is this something you continued? The ENM? or has it healed that part of you that was hurt? Like are you able to trust and connect now?
Equating pr0n use with non monogamy is really missing the mark.
I think it's quite on the money from my own perspective. I spoke more about it on some other comments, would love to hear more about your view on this!
@@aprilclucks2 I don't know if anyone should read this, but it'll probably (?) be helpful anyway, it feels.
Honestly, I just think that people are the most beautiful when they stay alone, they're more real that way. Some times, you're sad, really desperate for someone to just be there.
And that's actually really sweet to see... especially if no one is looking at or touching anyone else. It's pleasant.
But if you're getting off to someone else, something else, you **should** absolutely stay by yourself until you come to a better and healthier place with yourself. A point that... you can sit there, in silence, staring at what's in front of you without feeling some inclination to stimulate yourself. Right now, I still feel like I'm lost in that space, losing time and my life.
It's heart breaking when I think about it... all of us are basically guilty in some way. And we just aren't living up to our fullest potential as a consequence of feeding into it. And... I spoke to a girl before about this kind of thing. Look, when someone is in that space, they're sinking. You know... you won't save them. And I'm sure anyone **would** want to help them snap back into a better place.
But you're just not going to. You act as patient as you can... they slip up, when and where they do, they cum to other people and perverted shit... and you try. You try talking. You try taking steps with them. You tell yourself that they're trying until you see it happen enough times and... it's impossible. I would tell anyone, and I mean **only** to be a friend to anyone ever again; walk away and focus on yourself. Focus on your needs.
Forget sex and trying to have intimacy... it's useless. No one cares as deeply as you do, right, that's almost always everyone's perception. You'll have to accept, after trying to understand that you **could** be wrong, that you're not trying as best as you could be. And I'll even admit to myself, you know, because I just couldn't bring myself to answer the question I've been asking myself for the past year... "is there anything to like about me?".
I realized that I couldn't answer without feeling that I was dying because it hurt more than anything... well, actually, no. The most hurt I've ever felt was seeing a baby wild rabbit die in my hands as I was trying desperately to save it. And then feeling that it was my fault. Which I still blame myself for. But... no one else could really answer that question for me either. It's like I'm just self destructing. Because while I'm unsure how to live and I find it seemingly impossible often enough to feel, that no, it's no good... the world is a sad place.
It's always the most lonely people that seem so ideal... so perfect. But we know they're essentially broken. We aren't going to fix anything. Even for those that chase someone "hot"... those people are attractive to you because in a way, it's like the same as you, what you're doing. The guy that spends so much time on trying to look so muscular is just trying to compensate for something he feels he's lacking. Women do this, too, it just kind of looks a little different.
Like trying to work out their glutes... like we all know why you're doing that. You're trying to have a "nice butt" then it appeals to men as though somehow you're more fertile. Obviously this isn't the case, but it works regardless because it's appealing to the right half of the brain, I guess. Like the "monkey" part of everyone's brain - I don't know where the thing is located. What ever. I never claimed to be intelligent. But that's a thing.
And men working out so much... well, probably you're after a better goal, like trying to be strong enough to protect yourself and people you care for. But needless to say, there's show-off-y jack asses, too. Taking pictures of themselves and things that they're doing because they want to appeal to people as well. But... I think either way, it's always the same; everyone's trying to make up for something they think is missing.
If you chase sex as a male, I think typically, it's like you're trying to say "f--- you" to your dad. If you chase sex as a female, it's because you don't want to feel like you missed out, and you probably had a bad relationship with your dad as well. And you can usually tell... you just ask her. What was your dad like. If she had a good relationship with him, almost certainly, she'll take after something he's passionate about... even his beliefs. Some times, his habits, but not usually.
What else... I'd say that, about self destructive behavior like this, it's probable that some part of you just doesn't feel like you really want to live anymore. But, you probably don't exactly want to die either, or at least feel any pain. So you do the next "best" thing. For women, mostly, I see that it's drugs (alcohol counts as well obviously) and sex. Men, I see you do more destructive shit, even going as far as regularly endangering yourselves to feel something - anything but the feeling that life is so empty or meaningless. And obviously this can be women, too, feeling this way... but a lot of the time, it seems the behavior is more in a "fun" sense, so - chasing an impossible high.
Stay alone. Seriously... you're not going to die. You'll change for the better. You would see it if you wanted to. **I** want to feel it one day, too; to meet someone and not have anything else in my mind tugging me down. I want to feel that their eyes are on me, meeting mine, without shame or guilt from things they've done or have experienced. And I know... it almost certainly isn't going to be. People make mistakes, they do awful things all the time, but maybe if I'm lucky... hopefully I'll at least make a friend before I'm dead.
For all of you, I feel, the best advice you could take... I mean, you're going to think not, but I'd say it's to stay by yourself and don't sleep with anyone. Focus on what goals you have **beyond** having your "special someone". Maybe, one day, it'll come to you, that actually... everyone is special and deserves to be loved or cared for. And you can truly be grateful for each other without the feeling that... "well, wait, maybe **that** person instead is better" (non-committed feelings).
Someone that looks out for you, tries their damnedest to take care of you is always the best person, you just don't always feel that you want everything with them. And look, I'm no saint either, I know the feeling of being inclined to go with someone else over a person that I care for. I get it. I'm not innocent. But... I'm trying to do better now and I would really love to see that I'm not alone after all. Because that is basically all I feel anymore.
Also, before I finally post this, because it's taken me about three hours... I didn't finish one of my points. I was meaning to say, I had the realization that, probably... I'm just one of those people that dies alone. No family or friends will be there, actually, I'm fairly certain that the only two friends I had when I was a kid - the ones I spent time with outside of school. I believe they're gone because after being capable of finding basically everyone else... I still couldn't find them. So maybe they passed away. I don't know. But it feels like I know somehow. And this leads me to believe that I shouldn't be with anyone. It's like that "everyone I love gets hurt the closer they get" kind of thing. But I also feel like, "the closer I get, the farther away you go" so everything seems like it won't go well for me. I honestly think I should have been some nameless soldier that died in a war... I don't know why I'm here.
But even though it's painful to weigh, and to try accepting is a miserable experience, and I feel empty - I think that maybe I was only meant to help other people come together at the best. To restore hope because God damn... everyone seems so hopeless now. Like me... and it makes me sad to see. I'd happily stay alone if it meant everyone else would stop fighting each other, being cruel or careless towards others, and to finally understand that... basically, everyone is like a dog, in a way. You just feed them well enough, you take care of them, and you spend time together that means something to each of you - if that isn't good enough to make them happy with you and be loyal then nothing is.
Because even a great white shark is no exception to this. I don't know what anyone else is trying to give as an excuse, but stop it, you're lying. You just want to feel like you earned it, too, that's basically the only real issue there. And at times, as well, it's like that French phrase. "The call to the void"... some times, even when there's nothing wrong, you feel like ruining it. You feel like leaving... and maybe you should if you feel it.
But if you're just going to go back to the same thing later then what the hell are you really after? Do you even know what you truly want? No? Then you probably already have it - fulfillment. Just, maybe it isn't with yourself, maybe you just have it with everything else. If that's the case then you really do need to focus on yourself and achieving things.
...anyway. That's all I have to say, I think, but I hope people can derive something positive out of this. And I hope you have a nice day. Thank you for reading this if you did. I'm sorry it was so much.
I couldn’t follow everything you laid out here, but I can relate to feeling isolated.
When I feel this way I sing this song to myself.
ua-cam.com/video/aO35c9_6uM0/v-deo.html
Good things are on the way.
@@nathan_somethingyou are overthinking it bro.
@@IanYbanez-x9z 😭who reading all of that
Lol if my boyfriend had this mentality of wanting an open relationship cuz itll make me respect his ability to pull id leave him in a heartbeat. Also calling someone a loser cause they cant just go out and “pull high quality pussy” seems a bit strange coming from a woman sorry
Do you understand sarcasm
@@NEIL333-bv7nd not the point mate
@@NEIL333-bv7ndah yes the old "its a joooooooke"
I got over my alcohol addiction with meth addiction
The solution can’t be sex with someone else in this situation, I feel like if you have a porn addiction you’re mind is to focused on sex and more sex with strangers won’t help, I think them and their partner should find a solution between them,if the man from the video for example actually loves his wife and they talk together about it maybe they can both get to understand why he’s watching it or what he gets from it that he thinks he can’t get from her, maybe they could start trying new things,spend more time together so they build more of a connection together. Porn should not drive you to go outside of your relationship.
The censorship SUCKS.
NOT EVEN 10 years ago, this video would have been completely uncensored with no issues. This is worse than ordinary TV.
its very stupid and google is the same company that will give you endless porn results when you search but trying to watch any conversation on porn, rape ect on youtube you cannot tell what the fuck they are talking about. trying to watch eye witness accounts of the diddy parties and their whole statement is blocked out. thanks google.
They really are ruining the platform with the censorship, seeing content creators have to bleep themselves. It's becoming very dystopian.
Agreed. I never would have thought that such a violation of freedom of speech would ever become a reality in democratic countries. The worst part is that even academia (actually _especially_ academia) is infested with wokeness, PC and is clearly biased to the political left - that means that there aren't _any_ e.g. antifeministic peer-reviewed papers, the gold standard for scientific sources, even though it's crystal clear that men meanwhile have a much worse life than women, on average.
Blame the FCC
I think the hollow feeling you describe could apply to any form of instant gratifications. That is the test of our modernity.
I’m feeling clucky
Exactly! That's what I was thinking too.
This was so insanely therapeutic and interesting to listen to and I don't even nessesarily require the advice. Your ability to talk to a camera for an extended period of time with genuine forethought and introspection is really special. Don't take it for granted. You are really talented.
Fr I paused the video many times just to like reflect for a while
Hmm, I loved every video of yours I've seen thus far - but I don't know if you realize how insane this sounds.
So: masturbating to videos of random people having sex is *WORSE* (and making you feel unattractive) than ACTUALLY having sex with other people for real, i.e. "open relationship) (which somehow, isn't making you feel insecure and jealous) ?
Plus, I don't know where the idea that relationships should be this constant stream of excitement, it's completely natural for some monotony to happen, but the upshot (just one of many) is that you build, grow, explore the world and life with a person that's a 100% yours and you are their, and I think that's valuable. You create something beautiful and unique together that isn't really possible if you're "outsourcing" physical and emotional intimacy.
heya, I replied to you on another comment but I do agree with you! Personally I don't think ENM means you make having sex with other people your main objective - sex in general is not the main objective of a relationship after all. it's as you said - growing, building and exploring with one person. We can pour our deepest trust into them and heal a lot that way - but for people who grew up with unstable, violent or neglectful parents, paranoia, shame and fear can seep in and destroy an otherwise healthy connection with someone. Plus these issues can make us "all or nothing" with our partners (i.e unable to connect with people vulnerably on a platonic level - your partner becomes your main source of intimacy, emotional release and validation - and you can completely crumble as soon as this is no longer available, for instance during conflict or if that person is physically unavailable.
ENM's main objective is not sex - it's exposure therapy for those deep fears. it's not outsourcing physical and emotional intimacy at all - your partner is fully involved, every step of the way via communication. kinda looks like this:
"hey, I'm planning on asking ___ on a date tomorrow. How do you feel about this?"
I'm feeling jealous, which is attached to the fear that I'm not good enough or that you'll leave me. I'd love some reassurance here.
"I love you, I cherish you so deeply & your emotional wellbeing is so important to me. If you're uncomfortable with this, lmk and I'll call off the date and we can discuss it again when you're in a better place."
That's ok - I feel very reassured and I'm empowering myself by choosing to trust you & face this fear. It felt so relieving to actually express how I feel knowing the truth of what you'll be doing, instead of it being this paranoid intrusive thought any time you have a female/male friend that I'll suppress because I don't want to sound crazy. I'll plan on working on some personal hobbies or hanging with friends while you're out. Infact, I'll probably be feeling really buzzed/anxious so I might go for a hike or a run!
"Thankyou for trusting me, I will never ever stop reassuring you. I'm so proud of how far you've come. You are the most beautiful person & I love building this life together
@@aprilclucks2 Hey April! Yeah I saw! First of all, allow me to apologize for being a bit crass in my first comment, and thank you for taking the time to write out a thoughtful comment and stimulate discussion. I really like you and think you're smart and fucking hilarious.
Okay, let's try to go through these points: while we both agree that sex isn't the main objective of the relationship it is one of it's most important elements. Now, I don't know how you personally view sex, in my opinion it's one of the most intimate acts you can have with another human being (but that's just me).
On your next point (regarding growing up in an abusive, unstable, dangerous household), trust me when I say: I completely understand! I'm from Eastern Europe (you might have guessed by my name) and in Slavic countries when I was growing up, beating your kinds while you were growing up was completely normal. My dad beat the shit out of me (hands, belt, you name it) in fact, there were only 2 members of my extended family who never hit me - and my mom not only never helped me, she even did it herself. So I get it, I grew up COMPLETELY fucked up with 1:1 emotional wounds from your description. However, I have to disagree slightly with what you said: I agree that it's not healthy for your partner to be your sole source of stability, but I disagree that you could (or should) be completely independent of them, and shouldn't lean on them. I tend to think of it this way (and general psychology seems to agree): your trauma was caused by bad relationships -> it can only be healed by receiving the opposite of what caused it, and for that, you need other people, you can not heal it all by yourself (the so called "disconfirming experience")
Now, I find your examples very interesting, The first scenario sounds good on paper, but (with exceptions, of course) I don't think it works in practice, let me expand:
For a person B to respond the way you described (being reassured that their partner was forthcoming with wanting to date someone else) requires an UNGODLY, almost unnatural amount of openness, security and lack of jealousy...or for them to just not care. Which begs the question: why wouldn't they be able to be that cool with their partner watching some naked ti*ts online? I also find it illogical that the person B would be self-conscious about their body MORE if a person watches p*rn, rather than actually dating another actual person. If someone asked me whether I'd be cool with them dating someone else I'd immediately think they don't find me attractive anymore. which isn't insecure - it's just sensible. I just find it completely implausible, like Communism/Socialism (good on paper, impossible in practice), it's just contrary to every instinct we have as humans.
Jealousy is a completely natural and normal emotion - when it's not pathological. So is a certain amount of insecurity. Some people like to gaslight you and say that you SHOULDN'T feel that way, sometimes they're right, however if you're actively working towards bettering yourself emotionally and mentally, that includes feeling everything.
We can take those two scenarios and completely flip them (and we should)("Hey would you be upset if I watched some adult videos? If you're not cool with it I won't do it and I'll check in with you at a later date and never stop re-assuring you). Firstly, you'd heal from the damage p*rn did and get horny for your partner more and more, secondly imagine the amount of intimacy you could build if your partner is the only one you share that with and they are the only one who make you orgasm (for men at least it's way more reliable, but you know what I'm saying).
It sounds to me you value honesty quite a bit (as do I, in fact I don't think a relationship can exist without honesty at all), however I don't think it's enough to put your partner at ease and have them feel secure (both in their attractiveness/body and emotionally) in the scenario of you dating someone else and being intimate with that other person - when sexual jealousy and insecurity(again, attractiveness/bodily and emotional) was the problem to begin with (unless, like I said before: 1. they don't care 2. they're super cool (in which case why was p*rn a problem to begin with?)).
I appreciate you and your reply!
Edit: added them brackets to clarify insecurity in my last block of text.
Your timing is uncanny, a couple days ago I decided to quit porn, I don't believe I had an addiction I just wanted to better myself, I'm realising it will be more of a transition than I originally thought, I couldn't remember the last time I didn't watch it while masturbating and I'm not okay with that, so it's time for a positive change
Thank you for the great video
Proud of you, genuinely. Your improving yourself for yourself and for whatever future relationship you will ever get into by taking this step
@Kima89 thank you, I really appreciate the kind words to my comment
One thing i have noticed whenever i relapse is that its that much harder to kick the addiction again and i always tell myself the same thing; "oh you had a rough day, you deserve this." And then on top of that, the scope of the categories i watch gets increasingly more depraved until the pendulum swings back the other way and I'm ready to kick the habit again. Then the clock resets itself.
Couldn’t possibly disagree more stridently with you about your thesis here, but you are open and honest about your thoughts and you clearly educate yourself. I respect that. Firmly believe in hearing out people I disagree with as a means of challenging my own ideas and the process was fruitful here.
Thank you for the video, I’ll be interested to see where you go from here.
This is exactly how I feel about it.
"If you cheat on me in person with a woman you are cool"
"If you chat on me virtually you are a loser."
-A woman's brain.
Women want a man who could get other women, someone who watches porn is viewed the opposite of that.
Women make horrible choices. That's why they shouldn't be allowed to vote.
Tbf the argument she making against porn is that it requires no skill. Not cheating.
I don't think April is trying to speak for all women with her opinion
@@0NYX_BLAST3R Her opinion is pretty much shared by a lot of women though. At least, a large portion of the women who advocate polyamory. They aren't advocating polygamy ya know? There are no overlaps between polyamory and polygamous people, you ever think about that?
The idea of liking a partner who is “successful” romantically and is constantly slaying poon is natural and understandable, but big picture you are almost certainly supporting predatory behavior, and picking a partner who will get bored of you. I followed a lot of what the chicken lady was saying but I can’t help feeling she romanticized non-monogamy for some reason. Maybe it works for some, but very often a horrible idea.
Ya there's whole sites of only couples doing it missionary style. They do it totally voluntarily. What's the issue with that? Its partner bonding.
Exactly! That's what I was thinking too.
I feel like so much of this is a problem of cell phones inherently. They are these slot machines of our worst impulses, and the reality is the darkest part of it is the way we don’t communicate what we’re up to with our partners or friends (touch grass variety specifically). Like, we force relationships to work that aren’t compatible physically because we pursue our weirdness privately instead of finding someone that “matches our freak” through open communication which is an important aspect of a long term relationship’s success.
Replace degen activity with more degen acttivity... We have to overcome our animus
As someone who's homebase on the net was a mongolian basket weaving forum since before such terms like gooning and coomer even existed, I've gone through that phase of addiction and low self worth. I've also been in one of those long term relationships for the past 19 years. We're ENM currently, and we both have a healthy relationship with each other, and with porn too. We lead quite normal lives, relatively speaking, with none of the jealousy or frequently associated fears of non-monogamy. We're closer than we've ever been, open and honest, and we communicate with each other about everything. So yes, it can work for some people, but it requires that you personally put in a lot of work for both yourself, for your relationships, and for your partners. Plenty of people (an overwhelming majority most likely) get it wrong and blame the idea and concept rather than themselves and the relationship.
You're so real for being so vulnerable. Hearing you talk is awesome
Ignoring the higher likelihood of STDs and the darkside of poly relationships, I'd say non-monogamy is not the answer, to any problem, in my experience (what I've seen) it just becomes friends/dating with benefits with extra steps, the reasons for it always being superficial and arbitrary, I'd go as far as to say it hides underlying issues with the persons and within the relationship, like being afraid to commit (people should really learn to communicate). If you have kids I'd say going that route would be even worse. Sexual intimacy makes up only a part of a relationship and it seems now a days it's the main focus, I know correlation doesn't mean causation but a trend I have seen is the relationships that turn poly were most of the time built upon a sexual foundation.
I guess I'm old fashioned but from what I've seen it won't ever be for me, for me my highest priorities are not fleeting sexual experiences, its raising good children and dedicating love to my wife. I believe there is something special when you commit yourself to a single human being, and when you "open" that up you're throwing that special something away, and I'm not even religious.
P.S Corn addiction is a problem, more and more studies that are coming out point to it being pretty sinister and showing proof towards how it changes your brain, ED issues, death gripping to name a couple. It does effect everyone differently, I almost feel like corn sites should have a disclaimer like a pack of smokes. The only solution I have seen is some self help strategies if you're not in to deep, but if you are, you need therapy and you need to be willing to change and be better for yourself, and for your partner, if you're with someone.
Be strong, be better, just my 2 cents
FYI some people are wired differently ( got asked as a 4 year old-upwards and incapacitated/hospital so my answer doesn't change if anything forced answer/monogamous who's you're favourite/wife's-name SO crash's the internal-programing dr/1-wife tried that once+med'd-up making me sound lunny-bin gladly i don't remember much just she/jess said never trying that again bad-idea... better to ask who are your wife's/family-members/kid's names ) in my case im naturally a trident-marriage ( can get WWW to work( forget Male's MM=bad-outcomes even as a wife-role id becomes a sassy... ) but feels way harder/not worthwhile id do that to make my wife's happy and or support my siblings widowed+kid's/*-reasons ) type and high parenting drive and relationships wise lower level of sex driven than the wife's are so sex isn't/was the foundation for my experience's with it and at work people plus my friends and family noticed my personality changes being single or monogamous lifestyle and it's not healthy even it noticed ( tried in 2014~ to shrug it off and or worrying about cop's/enforcements of USA law ect, looking back/2025/30's-yo probably made it worse-off ) this, so im not for outright banning as it can heal others and like you pointed at not being religious and or western cultures/governmental vs state there's separation and yes it's key evan for me/polly/LGBTQIA+/Christians sec's/faith's
is it for everyone no but celibate( uncle is a gay+ACE yes weird-combo but im not judgmental just don't understand how it works ) isn't either....
Just finished watching your short kings video and now this one, as a “short king” who is also struggling with gooning, your videos just filled a place in my heart that had always been empty. Sincerely, thank you.
I personally see open relationships and PA as two sides of the same coin, s3x addiction. Women who are drawn to open relationships tend to have personality traits that I don't find desireable. I'm sure I'd feel the same way about men if I wasn't straight.
After watching this video, yea, its full of cope. She is blind to what monogamy is, I highly doubt she has ever really felt what real commitment is, and what it does to your connection with someone else. Its so weird it oppens with this 'you were cumming to other women' thing. but ends with it too, like "you were cummign WITH other women' is so much better, cus then the guy isn't a loser cus hes 'pulling' this is the female perspective, and the mindless, modern, goonbrained female perspective, completely blind to what happens when you actually for real deal really commit to someone, and work through things with them. It also just ignores completely that this isn't male psychology, and when she assures us there is a place where you're freed from whatever makes you not want your partner to fuck other people... its just invalidating men, saying they should have the female psychology and get over not having it. I like this girls videos usually but this is just sad and gross, and she sounds like a loser, even if she is 'pulling'. Shes all about what she 'loses' be being monogamous, but willfully blind to anything that could be gained. Dating this girl would be like just having a friends with benefits. Nothing is truly intimate unless it is special, otherwise, you're just taking an intimate act and making it... less intimate. And that does always seem to be the thing, a woman wants what she sees the benefits of a relationship being, but also wants to go out and have fun. Have her cake and eat it too.
I agree with you to an extent. As a bi guy mainly dealing with trans, I get that feeling too with them.
I already give off the intimate vibe too early in when I get with them it feels like I'm pressuring them and it's me and my initial energy.
Lack of communication on my part as I'm too afraid of them saying yes to an exclusive relationship than cheating.
I know they fool around later on because I have seen texts with other people yet how can I blame them when I never vocalized what I wanted in the first place and that obviously turns me off and we end up not having sex.
@@davidgreenwood6029But what the poster is saying is that it would be much better to be open than to be PA because PA disconnects one further from the body.
So I fit that description of the person who thought negative of non monogamous relationships when it would probably suit me the best.
I do think non-monogamous is a cop out yet monogamous relationships aren't for everyone though.
So the part Clanky read twice I think is a failure on the people cheating, not able to communicate sincerely their needs of wanting something more to their partner.
She probably understands that well having delt with PA and being in both monogamous and non-monaganous relationships.
The book recommendations is a sign that she probably read the books and worked on herself. She was very clear and gave clear examples.
Clanky is legit man
@@antp007gaming You say monogamy isn't for everyone, just like that is self evident? Yea sure not EVERYONE but I think there are a lot of people who just need to admit they fail at it because they need to grow up, not because they need to imagine some brave new world of new ways of being cus everything's just a social construct or whatever.
Idk, Just like you saying stuff like its self evident, I don't really see any of this stuff being supported at al, by anything. Its all just said because its the stuff you want to believe is true.
She also said masturbation is the opposite of dissociative, that its ressociative (not a word, the opposite of dissociative is grounding, but she wouldn't use that word would she?) is delusional. She said it like its self evident, just like all this shit, but if you actually stop and think about it, what does that mean? Its impossible. If you're masturbating, you're fantasizing. Thats dissociative. Or, you're masturbating to your own reflection, completly in love with yourself. Still dissociating, not grounding. Just dissociating into pure vanity.
And again, you say someones legit like thats self evident, but provide nothing compelling to someone who does not already think so and agree with you. Its all just mental masturbation. Its your life tho.
And no she doesn't really talk about working on herself at all, about having to learn and grow at all, or how she did, or what she had to overcome. Its all the invalidation that is someone else has feelings, they should overcome those feelings because theyre not valid anyways, just societal hangups or whatever. And sure, yea talk about htem, no matter how irrational they are, theres an elements of openness and acceptance there, but its still invalidating. Assuming them to be irrational, never saying, what do you do with feelings that are valid, that aren't irrational, cus not everything is a social construct? Nah they don't exist.
@davidgreenwood6029 I understand what you mean with masturbation being dissociative. Maybe not as dissociative when you have porn added to it, which is what I think she was saying, that masturbation alone is better and more grounded and that you can do it together with a partner.
Also I agree with everything you say, and also that this route could be a better route to slowly get away from porn addiction.
Great points raised for sure.
Ayyyy new channel. Hell yeah.
Porn was only a problem in relationships for the women I am with due to their own insecurity.
Non-monogamy is too much work, and just adds more insecurity to the mix in my experience.
If your partner is ‘pulling cool people’ you’re probably going to become very jealous and it’s gonna cause major problems in the relationship. It’s a really great way to blow up a relationship because ‘things got stale.’ Any long-term relationship (marriage, really) is gonna have seasons and some of them are dry. You’re going to fall in- and out of love with them several times. Learning how to be enough for yourself and another person (just one) is hard enough for one lifetime. Oh, and don’t watch pr0n, it’s bad for your brain. 💫
What I needed to hear today, thank you!
My own porn addiction basically ruined my first ever real relationship, it caused me to lie and take my guilty feelings and take it out on my ex girlfriend, but thank the fucking gods that I never did any of this shit
As someone who's currently recovering from a relapse after nearly 10 years without pron knowing and remembering that feeling of freedom is it's own kind of heroin. I'd personally never consider non-monogamy as my therapy but can vouche for openness in a relationship about the topic. Being able to sit down with your partner when you're feeling triggered is a blessing.
Keep fighting the good fight April.
Never goon
NEVER GOON
genuinely since 2019 been all i been doing pure funnily got worse more out hand after quitting another behaviour drinking, and gambling, and after injury that took me out of doing sport i loved.
and also remember never do drugs
Hard for me to quit because i get triggered everytime i catch a glimpse at my reflection. It's hard being this hot. 1st step is to remove all the mirrors in my house
I appreciate your takes on this. I just wanted to add a little something about non monogamy. Ive been in a non monogamous relationship as well, not necessarily to help with porn addiction. There are different forms of non monogamy and they may not work for everyone, and i think thats okay. Not everyone is into that.
I myself found that it didnt work for me. I dont think being okay with non monogamy for ones own relationship is necessarily a part of growing as a person, but its definitely something to think about. Many people see it as taboo still, but for growth i believe its important to examine our thoughts on non monogamy and our possible aversions to it. Asking why you may have a bias towards the idea is key to personal growth, but that kind of relationship just might not be for you.
For some people, non monogamy could really be a game changer in a good way and help reconnect them with people. However, iive found that many people, myself included, really can only handle that kind of intimacy with a consistent partner.
When porn comes into the picture, i believe that these negative emotions (expressed by the person in the reddit post that you mention) are coming from a place of deep loneliness. The desire to be wanted, the feelings of isolation, and negative personal image seem to compound into feelings of worthlessness. In many cases, this eventually turns to resent and anger that can be projected onto a spouse who watches porn. I like your point about masturbation being a potentially empowering experience that can reconnect someone with their sense being because i believe that can be a very important tool for fighting that sense of lonliness and worthlessness which start many negative psychological behaviors. Perhaps the reddit poster could try a little of this empowering masturbation themselves. I do think that theres a need for being "wanted" and to be desired in a relationship, so that may not get to the root of the issue.
Its also important to point out that other forms of media and technology also contribute to this isolation from more than just significant others. Finding a remedy in non monogamy is perfectly fine, but it may not be a cure all when the issues of this lonliness go a bit deeper psychologically. Social media and the internet have changed human interaction forever, and we are just starting to see the longer term downsides of that as a society. We are becoming increasingly lonely as humans. This is being observed all across the globe in every country that has widespread internet. As weird as it is to say, this porn and masturbation issue could just be the tip of the iceberg.
Take all of this with a grain of salt because lifes different for everyone, but id like to hear if anyone else has similar or drastically different experiences with this kind of thing. What do you think contributes to this increasing loneliness?
As a bloke, like others have said, this was therapeutic to hear. Just came out of a abusive relo that I used porn to cope with and I appreciate this. Gives me some direction and understanding. I'm definitely going to try to be more present and connected with myself rather than looking to porn to feel good.
Not into open relos at all but porn is something I can get rid of for my own betterment going forward.
thanks for this chicken woman. on my journey of self love.
@@NutOnUA-cam hell yes dude
Very wise chicken lady. Subject matter is very timely. It’s crazy how these unhealthy experiences can add up. Once or twice and maybe you excuse it as no big deal but all of the sudden years pass and you’re stuck in this spiral that feels uncomfortable without.
Was it easy for you being open about porn addiction? I've been going to therapy for years and I felt comfortable talking about almost ANYTHING but my porn addiction. I still feel very guilty admitting it to people who know me and not sure what to do. I don't think it's a thing I can do completely alone so I'd like to be more open about it.
Hey, i know its an overused phrase but you unironically aren't alone with being ashamed of talking about it. Being honest in this way has been incredibly freeing and shame is such a crazy powerful cage that trap us. I'd reccommend starting with forums or even youtube comment sections & reading other people's stories. once you get more comfortable with talking about it online, then you may be ready to challenge yourself irl. I quest you with this: tell ONE person you trust about it. Make it a funny thing, I use self-depreciating humour as a way to make it less cringe. we have to assimilate the shame somehow before we can release it. Comedy is the perfect outlet. call urself a brainrotten gooner who wants to be president one day so you gotta kick the habit and try being normal haha
i wish you the best of luck, my friend :)
@@aprilclucks2 thank you big sis :)
Oooo advice clucks is a great name for his channel
never really addicted, but i took the “hard” (yet much easier) road, and just asked my significant other if they were interested in watching something together.
if anything, it helped our relationship, just having the balls to ask about her opinion on the whole thing in general.
and we learned a lot about each other, and relieved a lot of our unknown insecurities.
(turns out, she would rather “experiment” with other women, which was a surprise, and a relief in a way)
long story short, pron/etc, is okay as long as you’re using it as a tool WITH your partner/significant other, rather than using it as an escape from them.
i’m not condoning, or condemning the use of exterior visual stimulation, just stating that, if you must indulge in exterior “fruit”, it is much easier (in my experience) to do it together.
Thanks for being open and sharing, it was insightful
This was actually super refreshing from someone I was totally expecting a dose of comedy from with this video. Really interesting perspectives and personal story on a subject I’m pretty sure most of us relate to on some level.
Thank you for sharing. 🤙🏼
Getting a partner is hard enough. Getting a partner who is okay with ENM and giving you that space for both/all of you to heal sounds like finding a needle in a haystack.
Lmfao I love this channel. Hearing the smoothest of the smoothbrain takes really makes life feel... lighter, if that makes any sense.
I don't know man. Me and girl have great comminucation and understand each other but in addtion to fantstic sex life we each have our own goon seshies. We dont need to tell the other whenever we do it but sometimes we do because it's mildy funny to us. Both of us do not consume porn on a daily basis.
I think the thing about p.a. is that you **wish** you had intimacy. Intimate relationships with someone and... really, the most intimate thing anyone can do with someone else **is** have sex, and women would ordinarily feel used by men if they have sex often enough. And beyond that, there comes a point that I think anyone would question, "is sex the only thing you want from me?" due to sleeping together at all. It turns into this feeling that there's like a power struggle.
So they want to have control... that eventually seems like manipulation through men's perspective (through withholding sex) and I think over all, the only thing you can do is walk away, because that thought or feeling will always be there **somewhere** in your mind / heart. I've heard too many stories, in real life and online, shit always ends the same. And when the people separate, as they inevitably seem to, they always **eventually** circle back to that experience with someone else (assuming they do find someone else they feel that way for). It's sad. This is why I also feel like it's useless to try for anyone at this point - this in combination with feeling financially used.
I think exercising is essentially mandatory for everyone... and work your body to the extent that you can **not** move without being in incredible discomfort or even pain - to avoid the temptation of falling back into the loop. And, again, I mentioned it before. Actually, you even mentioned it in this video; you **need** to think and feel that you're making progress to get away from bad habits like this. As a side note, by the way, I'm sorry that you slipped recently. I hope things become easier for you and everyone else. This is definitely a vicious cycle.
22:13 describing a relationship as having a “tenure” is very accurate, building trust by testing the “motivations” is way important.
Maybe I'm weird but I don't get where the whole jealousy from finding anyone else attractive come from, like to me i couldn't give a fuck if my partner watches porn, comments that they find other people hot, anything like that as long as they're not sleeping with other people. I'm also someone who's down with polyamory so idk that probably plays a factor. I'm really thankful I'm like 99% over my physical insecurities so I don't ever feel like someone's attraction to me is dependent on my physicalality so I figure any time someone wanted to be with someone else or peave me it would be because their emotional needs aren't being met or that other person is just more compatible for them so who am I to try and prevent that by being like "you can only have eyes for me" My only problem with pornography is how some of the perfomers are treated and how it can help perpetuate misogyny but idk I've seen some pretty tasteful (imo) adult content and i don't think seeing stuff like that would warp someone's idea of sex or women like how some of the trashy stuff does. I definitely don't watch porn much if I'm having regular intimacy in a relationship but I also haven't met anyone yet that has matched my libido even if we have sexual chemistry and the relationship is going well so i gotta get that energy out somehow. I think it's a rare person that would consistently go 1-2 rounds a day and thats pretty much always been my baseline. Also mutual masterbation can be nice but sometimes you gotta get a break from your partner. Also to me I don't get the whole porn addiction thing to me my masturbation regularity doesn't change much between watching porn vs not its just that I can cum quicker so its like a convenience thing but I honestly prefer masturbating without it because my orgasms are stronger but usually first thing in the morning its like "I gotta get this horny energy out so i can clear my mind and start my day" and like i said I prefer the stronger orgasm of not using porn but sometimes I just wanna get it done and move on with my day.
"Guide to Getting it On" is a good book for those who struggle with intimacy and communication with their partner(s).
I've heard a lot of conflicting information suggesting that this addiction might not even exist, particularly a correlation between being ashamed of usage and calling it an addiction. Those who aren't ashamed don't identify as addicts despite typically having a much higher rate of consumption.
the algorithm has blessed me with this recommendation
If that's the solution I think the person maybe have a sex addiction and not porn addiction and I'm not sure that's a way to end the problem?
The philosophy of nonmonogamy as a solution to pron addiction is less "bro what if you were slayin puss everyyyyy day and cucking ur partner lol" and more "you are using pron as an ultra short cut to a true sense of accomplishment and intimate connection that you may be afraid of or unsure how to have, so instead of continuing to live in shame and becoming even further disconnected from yourself and your partner by allowing an addiction to fester (often leading to extreme desensitisation, fukt up fetishes, more shame etc) you enter into an agreement to be fully vulnerable and free yourself of that shame around sex by engaging deeper, more honest communication with your partner, scheduled relationship check ins (monogamous couples rarely do this and it's SO important), encouraging trust between you both because you are facing the blockage in the relationship (the addict's desire to coom without putting in effort to connect intimately & the other partner's codependant reliance on the other person to make them feel good about their body or motivate them to personal success and growth).
Anecdotally a majority of pron addicts probably do not have the compulsions toward actual irl sex. personally i didn't want to be touched or even hugged by others. this is in some ways the crux of the issue that trust-fostering, shame-killing consentual nonmonogamy can help heal for everyone involved
@@aprilclucks2 Not really sure how any of those points need non-monogamy to work, but I to confess that this is not my area of expertise. You do seem to know what you're talking about!
THough I believe that it rarely works going from monogous to non-monogous in a relationship.
@@aprilclucks2 I also just have to say that I really enjoyed your video, I've only seen your short sketches about chickens before, dind't know you did these longer vids, but you're really good at it!
@@aprilclucks2literally just watch the porn with your partner.
Make the association of self pleasuring a coupling activity.
Unless you have a fetish where you get off on your partner fucking other people, or you're incredibly emotionally resilient (you aren't if porn is ruining your relationships) then non-monogamy is only going to drive a greater wedge in your relationship.
Seriously.
This is a very puritanical view of sex and porn altogether.
I rarely comment on videos I've seen, but this one actually made me want to.
So far, I've only been in a relationship once and for a relatively short time and I'm still somewhat confused and scrambled about what I want out of a romantic relationship with someone else. I don't want to go into the specifics, but I think part of this confusion is the short life experience to draw from. However I believe biggest part is definetly the porn addiction that I never truly accepted I had.
The section of the video that spoke out to me the most was the masturbation as a tool for getting to better know one self. It made me remember the first time I masturbated and it was just like how you described it. An experience detached from a need to cum and more focused on feeling and experiencing yourself physically.
All in all, I just want to truly thank you for guiding me to confront my porn addiction and reflect upon it.
btw, like someone else said, you're really good at talking and explaining your mind and thoughts in front of a camera
I feel sm of your sexual perception in myself is actually bizarre .past and present self. “Scorpio ascendant here”
You’re incrediblly helpful with emotional growth! you opened my eyes to what I have been feeling with myself since not using pron .connnectedness to myself/centeredness/healing/ improved relationships family/friends/strangers!/ my ability to pull/ my confidence
Xoxo my heart ❤️
Your honesty is so refreshing.
I came for the chicken content. Stayed for the vulnerable, intelligent and introspective take on addiction and self help.
Your insight is brilliant, thanks for sharing. I expect many people will benefit from your open honesty.
Good on you for overcoming your addiction in spite of any struggles.
I noticed when I quit watching porn and practice abstinence. I went 4 weeks straight but I notice I looked at women differently and wasn’t even tempted. Just admired them more than anything. But no sudden urges. It was pleasant and kinda Odd. But over all. I felt that I figured out how the universe works lol if that makes any sense?
We cluckin love you!!
I went the opposite way with it. I just decided to go voluntarily celibate. It’s a psychological blessing and almost feels like a superpower to walk around committed not wanting the thing that girls think all men want. At 27, being a jobless, sexless loser has been the best and most liberating decision I’ve ever made. Now I’m getting ready to go back to school for political science and focus on leading the way!
Pretty interesting insights from a female perspective on all this. Not something I come across... uuh ever, at least so far on my time on the internet. I've been mostly porn free for about 5 years now, and was an addict for almost 2 full fucking decades. My first sexual experience was at 8 too, so all that combined I've always been hypersexual while also being somewhat ashamed of being so sexual. It's been a process to say the least.
Anyway, quitting porn was the best thing I ever did. I'm now working on 1 year of celibacy and it's been incredibly rewarding, although I can strongly relate to how masturbation can be a great way to get in tune with one's self and one's energy. I did that for a time with no ejaculation and it was actually really healing. When I'm done with the 1 year I hope to find a partner who I can talk with about spiritual things such as this and grow with.
Thanks for your insights
You really are good to listen to, it's been years since I've had lady friends who were open enough for me to know these things about them.. 🎉
You are 100% correct On porn use. You are 1000% incorrect about open relationships. An open relationship should never start in the middle of a monogamous relationship especially one that is suffering from intimacy problems All that does is push people further apart. If a guy isn't showing interest in his wife so they open the relationship, what's likely to happen? And what happens most of the time is the wife gets extreme amounts of attention while the husband doesn't. So the wife feels guilty. The husband starts to hate the wife than when he finally does meet somebody who actually wants him. He ends up falling in love with that person and leaving his wife for them. There's thousands of stories on the non-porn side of Reddit😂. Also you shouldn't tell people to just bring up an open relationship because most guys I don't know about girls but most guys see that as you are already cheating on me. You just want a way to not feel guilty about it. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not completely against an open relationship but I've been with my wife for 18 years now. We are not just opening up and it being fine but if I had met somebody and went out with them as an open relationship from the beginning. I think that would be completely fine because I wouldn't have taken my mind to that point. That jealousy would matter I also think you're young and you're doing stuff. You know you have time. We have two kids and full-time jobs. There isn't fucking time for us to be fucking around with other people. We got barely enough time for us to be able to fuck I sure as hell ain't letting her fuck other dudes. So what I've personally done is I have quit porn, quit masturbating and refocused my energy on my wife and our relationship and that's what people should do when they're in a relationship and they feel the need to use porn is to rededicate your full attention to them.
This video was really opening for me as somebody who has been addicted to the pron and affected my partner with my behaviors and lack of openness, my partner who was also codependent and deeply self-conscious about their body and others' perceived attraction of them. The relationship has since ended and I aim to introduce tantra into my life, though my libido has fluctuated greatly since being in the relationship. I like your suggestion of ENM and your explanations of it here in the comments.
Thank you so much for making this video :)
You are right, but porn is an addiction like anything else. TBH, I don't need porn if I'm satisfied in my relationship. Mentally & sexually. But girls have not been satisfied & cheated on me. I'm really anxious & for me to talk to another girl to get pussy is not an easy task. So jacking it to porn was just easier. Of course, we all justify our own actions. If you happen to read this comment, I love your videos. You're beautiful & thought provoking, & the world needs more girls like you. I've only met a few as cool & pragmatic as you. Keep up the vids.
I'm glad to see you back at it. The people need you.
I agree, honestly, it's good to see people being human. Especially since 2008... everything is just people trying to be famous. I'm sick of it. Just be honest and you can still get famous while staying true to yourself, just don't sell out, don't be another asshole simply saying "wow - look at this problem" then doing nothing to try helping if you supposedly care. Open up, God damn it, tell the truth. People that are so human have the best relationships anyway. So yeah, she's pretty great, it feels humanizing seeing this. Instead of... "men are disgusting", what ever, always pushing a narrative. I'm glad to see she isn't doing that. We're not just animals.
I think it is important to emphasise when people (including me) say "polygamy isn't for everyone" it doesn't mean it's a 50/50 on wether you'll enjoy or not. I think there are very little people who can actually have a happy and healthy relationship while knowing their partner has had/will have sex with others. For the vast majority, this will be heartbreaking and for some even traumatic, so I advise no one tries to gaslight themselves into thinking this is something they should be okay with. Normalising different types of love is important, but so is understanding that, more often than not, you are part of the majority that enjoys the norm. Nothing wrong with that.
Btw nothing against you or your points, I just wanted to give my 2 cents on polygamy.
Also just realised I am 2 months late to the party BWHAHAHAHA
I felt understood, both the dark and the bright. thanks for that.
However not sure how polygamy will pan out with kids in the picture, if you ever want any
Maybe this solution just doesn't apply to me, but I just can't stand the ideia of having sex with a woman I don't intend to have a relationship with. Nor can I stand the idea having a intimate partner fucking someone else just for the sake of it.
I really do give importance to sex and intimacy and using it for pleasure alone seems exploitative to me.
You're so right about the heroin part. Wow. I am about to be 27 and still tragically trying to figure out why and how we [humans] have relationships. My whole view of the worlds and goals was just ... so distorted. Thank you for your vulnerability.
Sincerely, thank you for talking about this. I don't know if I necessarily agree with the non-monogamy part, but in general I think it's a good thing that we are talking about p*** addiction
Trying not to do the five-knockle shuffle to 🌽 for all of 2025, wish me luck bois 😤
When i was stopping weed, my initial solution was to replace it. I wanted to replace it with psilocybin. Not a lot, like 400mg or something on occasion.
The solution to curbing an addition, is not to justify using something else, its to ellimimate the bad habit all together and think logically about how that will affect your life. Is being high going to improve my life? No, its going to waste my time chasing a feeling that always fades until all the time is gone and my life is wasted. The only time doing something else bad in its place should be done is to help ease the pain from removing the old stimulus, afterwhich the new stimulus will be easier to stop.
You body simply adapts to what you give it. So do what's right for it in ever case, and it will adapt and overcome. But dont replace one bad thing with another unless the pain is literally so bad that it causes problems in your life. Like alcohol, going to weed temporarily while you're getting clean.
Im only like 5 mins in but to be honest most of it is just eith it being positively reinforced. Im a younger dude(19) so i can only speak for guys like college age, but dudes be on streaks like people would be smokers in the 60s. I kind of grew out of it for some reason at like 17 cause its kind of just not enjoyable for me personally anymore, I'll feel tired and shit after so i just dont do it but it is mostly mechanical for most guys who do do it.
By proxy it also makes guys more intimately feeble with getting in relationships in my age group. Most guys i know pedastalize relationships or girls or go after girls who to be honest are not the best looking relative to themselves not because they think their personality is great but because they think it'll be easy.
To be honest without the context of a partner I just feel like it's making yourself more suspecitble on a downward spiral. When you brought up your personal experiences I thought yeah mental stimulus is fine but it's like a gateway drug. I guess it's more about how individually you are capable of keeping that in check, everyone says they can but it's not easy for a lot of people to give in to that cope. I'd rather have it not be on the table at all and I personally don't struggle or really think abt it so I just opted for engaging with myself sexually in the context of a partner and I feel a lot better overall for it
Damn this is getting drawn out but I just came up on your thing of relapsing. The reason I do not think doing it while single is necessarily great is cause I tried(first starting mentally) it and I got dragged back into the void of doing it maybe daily on average for 2-3 weeks.
Another thing I note is that it might be partially why relationships feel so out of reach for dudes my age. This year coming back to uni for my sophmore I had two friends open up to me about it being their goal to get a girlfriend and told them that's probably the most ass backwards goal to have. It sort of makes it to be that anyone can fill that requirement for something you should be meticulous about if the check the box of having box.
When I tell them I try feeling out girls on a "do we get along well" level before asking them out instead of just jumping yo try and figure out the formula to convince them to be with me I realized most guys(my age current) sort of pedastalize relationships in a worhsip-y type of way that ironically is what keeps them out of them with the people they'd want to be one in.
I just love hearing you ramble. It's my kind of rambling
I love your content. I could listen to you all day. Very interesting and funny. I love your outlook on life and the world 🌎
The Ethical Slut is a very good book regarding consensual non-monogamy. Whether you are a strictly monogamous person or not, I think this book has good advice on ethics within relationships that everyone should ponder. I think it really applies to this situation as well (the addiction to ponogaphy that may be affecting your relationships).
april i would listen to you scrolling around google maps giving restaurant reviews. "this one is shit. this one is epic. this one is dirtier than a prison wallet. this one i just get the popcorn shrimp and leave javier a crisp $20"
I am very buffled by how certain people view sex in their relationship. To be fair I only had two relationships in my life but in both cases it was accepted to watch porn or masturbate (especially given we werent living together). In my second relationship, when we were living together I would masturbate only when my partner was exhausted and usually as a way to get intense stress out for me to sleep (I was studying at the time and i would spend countless hours over a screen and book with physical stress like feeling my stomach getting squeezed, sweating randomely getting hyper active etc.), as far as i was aware she would masturbate only when i wasnt available and she thought it was an innappropriate time.
When it comes to our sex, i mean if you cant enjoy the most basic vanilla sex with your partner and you need layers upon layers of fetishes and sexual phantasies, it feels like you are fighting a lost battle. I do like spice, maybe more than my last partner did, but at the end of the day the communication through sex required no spice and the enjoyment and fulfillment came from the communication itself, the rest were just additions.
I feel people tend to get weirdly egotistical, focusing on enjoying themselves so much to the point that they cant even let loose and like mentally communicate with their partner. By the way I dont mean to say that people are egotistic in the very raw way, sometimes they try to validate their relationship so hard through getting the enjoyment that we think is necessary, but again the matter of fact is that the enjoyment comes from the communication.
The scariest thing ive experienced is that many people can't quite understand what i even mean by communication during sex, which this genuinely frightens me as a concept.
I will elaborate on that one a little bit but i feel there is no good way of explaining it. When you are with another person naked and with physical touch and looking at each others eyes you get the sense of certain feelings that in other scenarios require more than just looking at each other. Safety, warmness, affection, caress etc and in this kind of situation the sexual pleasure and exstacy is more of a background rather than the driving sense you go for.
I hope my point was delivered well enough for people to get my idea. Also the reason that I genuinely dont find any point in having multiple partners is because i feel that kind of communication is getting noisy when you are interacting with many different people that have different ways of communicating during sex, tp be fair i havent tried, but for both of my relationships it took quite a while to meet the other person and understand their way of perceiving things to get there. Adding two more people like that, even if you arent planning to go that deep with them makes it complicated.
In b4 "thinking is autistic". Any relationship requires both assertiveness, a personality, and understanding the other person. Problem is, most people don't want to notice their partners' personalities, let alone work with. Instead, they call the people who do out on being mentally ill, forcing potential partners of people capable of caring into their own arms. And so, people waste each other's time and someone ends up ranting on reddit about scrubbing their "loved one"'s shit out of the toilet bowl.
Even just the first minute of this video strikes as completely bizarre. Like, really? We're dealing with women in committed relationships, whose men are watching spice? They're telling us they can't fix _this_ themselves? _This_ of all things? Absurd.
i am so confused why people who obviously dont want to have sex with their partners are upset that their partners are pleasuring themselves. like its not their business! this is so confusing
There is no amount of change I can make to myself that will make my wife any less tired and disgusted with herself from being an overworked mother of four who doesn't have time to do any of the self-care, workout etc that she needs to feel okay about having sex. Haven't had a date night in months.
Every night we sit together on devices and pass out on the couch til the 1yo wakes up around 12-1am ish. There's no way to get our sex life back as long as we have young kids without our income situation changing significantly (afford childcare during the day so she can have time to herself, plus babysitters & date nights more often). We're just stuck. And I get to choose between sinning behind her back, or being faithful and miserable. Am I missing something?
I think the right aprouch for this this situation in the sub reddit is Couples Thearpy. Or maybe just breaking up. Non-Monogamy i am not so sure about tho.
I tried p0rn to cure my wife addiction
The Little Critters book that Schoolastic, JUST wouldn’t publish….
I think you should be a Dr. K guest
I've certainly experienced the eventual restrictions of adhering to a monogamous commitment (having 2 ex-wives and several relationships in between). The 2nd ex-wife not only killed my love for her (through oppression and narcissistic control etc -- I almost became misogynistic as a result), but also made me realise that I'm far better suited to non-exclusive relationships
Been thinking about cutting back on my p0rn usage and eventually quitting, and this video kinda helped me put some things in perspective. More recently, I think it also played a role in hurting a potential relationship, as it made me less present with my partner (there were other factors outside of porn though, like distance for example).
I don't really have any experience with ENM but I used to be pretty skeptical of it, but I never thought about how it could be used to help alleviate a porn addiction which is pretty interesting.
*I've been into prn for 25 years and it's never been an addiction. 2 or 3 times a week, a bored moment, I rub it out 👌 relieves stress and clears my mind, I move on. of course since the pandemic, it's been 5 times a week 😂 but honestly, I have too much shit to do to ever be addicted to anything* 💀
I struggle with pron use and I happen to have lived the same thing you did. You slowly lose your sense of self and stagnate because you keep going back to pron.
That said, I don't consider pron use as an addiction because I think obsession is a better descriptor.
I agree that it's big accessibility is the worst thing that has happened to us, but let's not forget that social media is full of thirst traps, subtle (and some not so subtle) references and shameless plugging of OF accounts.
Quitting pron is the only solution, but it's a process that takes time, you don't stop one day and suddenly feel "fixed".
how do you find the right connections for sexual pleasure where you’re not quite in a place to get into a relationship?
I don’t think I agree that open relationships can solve relationship problems stemming from compulsive porn use. However, I definitely resonate with what you said about masturbating without porn having the potential to be healing and centering
It would be super cool if women could emotionally bond with their husbands instead of expecting him to just deal with his urges independently and rejecting his mentality because it is not exactly the same as hers. We dont need to be fixed by our partner, we need be loved.
As an ex drug addict I think this is a strange take, but I didn't click on the video to be bored. 🤷♂️🥳🕺
I wonder how much ‘pron’ is the main problem, maybe it’s part of the larger lonelyness pandemic due to use of the interwebs and social media…also depression, anxiety and burnout for workers pile on this problem…i feel most people just need more human connections and honesty about love, lust and the true dirtyness of existence…wish all y’all strength, courage and more true connections ❤🙏🏽✊🏽🙏🏽❤
If your spouse doesn't want to be intimate....are they entitled to know what you do to in your spare time?
There's a great book on the subject, "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow," I think that too often the solutions given are mostly "just give it up yo" without actually providing an alternative to strive for. The general subject the book goes towards is this mysterious "Karezza" approach, and there's also the (wayback) site reuniting.info that is quite fascinating, especially the testimonials
The issue with any discussion of sex addiction and porn addiction is that our culture is still so conservative the discussion is often focused on the “substance” per se of use as the villain. Like that’s talked about as the start and end of the issue when at the end of the day it’s far more due to emotional and sociological factors.
alright calm down Aristotle
funny how I saw this video after gooning myself and very based that you're being open about it.
have definitely felt better whenever I'm able to abstain from porn and other distractions and addictions but it's hard man..
I have a friend who went as far as to move to another country to be with a woman, they spent a good 7 years together through high points and low points.
She cheated when he was in a slump and he left her going back to his home country leaving 7 years of integrating into another country behind.
There is nothing as unattractive to most people as cheating, and while yes there are some who are into it the ones who are make up such a small monority you can't really be advocating for it as general advice.
There may be women who listen to your video thinking they should cheat to retain their man when his libido is in a slump only to find themselves broken up with.
I'm like in a weird spot where I think I've finally accepted that porn is an addiction cause some types of porn really do hit different and I relate quite a bit to the heroin comparison. I'm not sure why I relapsed but this is a tougher addiction to fight than nicotine was...
I think porn is like alcohol, definitely works for some people, absolutely doesn't work for others.
Porn is not inherently bad inside or outside of a relationship. If one uses it so often it interferes with work, relationships, etc., that’s bad and likely an addiction. However, anyone who polices how their partner chooses to get off solo and lets their insecurities consume them is the partner with the problem.
Its bad
I'm just glad that my childhood and the majority of my adolescence was free from the internet, because the internet didn't exist yet (in the way it does today) We were forced to talk to each other and there was no *_Tinder._* Things have really changed in my lifetime, it's strange being born in the mid-80s. Even though I'm technically a Millennial; a "Geriatric Millennial" (Xennial) I feel like I'm part of a homeless Generation.