After a childhood of being told “don’t let them know they upset you” or “don’t let them get to you”, identifying or expressing emotions is a serious challenge.
I realized I probably had autism when I was walking to my car and noticed tears in my eyes. I wasn't feeling anything particular, but I knew I was probably very disappointed in my new hearing aids or that I was feeling a lot of pain. I couldn't tell what it was for a while, but when the world started fading away and I started disassociating I decided it was pain. Later that day I was passed an 8mm kidney stone... Indeed I did have autism and got diagnosed at age 63.
Bruh I cry at random points all the time and have to stop and figure it out. Sometimes its joy, sometimes someone hurt me. Sucks to not know til I sort it out, especially when I'm really good at stuff most people call "hard". It's been a wierd thing to deal with, but im slowly coming to terms with it just usually being a bit of an overload of whatever it is. Can be awkward.
@@everyusernameistakenomfg😢 My Jr high science teacher had a kidney stone. After, he commented he wouldn't wish that for his worst enemy! I sang a solo at my mom's funeral. I don't think the grief had been processed yet.
Twice I've had girlfriends murdered by scumbags and it numbness at first and then at odd times I would start crying , usually when I was alone and felt safe to let it out I guess . People probably think that I'm cold and uncaring but I don't seem to feel emotions quickly they take time to process .
I was trying to get a diagnosis from an "Autism expert" and kept telling him over and over that I didn't have words to explain what I was feeling or the experiences I was having. But I did eventually tell him that I was feeling very anxious and he said "oh so you don't have any problem identifying your emotions then". I told him that no, I have a lot of trouble with that - but he later said I couldn't be autistic because I had a girlfriend in the past, and besides, so many Australians think they are autistic, it's just silly right? Obviously I'm completely neurotypical, all my symptoms mean nothing. Thanks so much for being a barrier to the help I need
Fuck autism experts. They don't know shit if they're not autistic. I am 37 and only started questioning my neuro-synaptic responses recently. I have gotten so many answers from neuro-divergent people. Albeit just as many questions, having self-diagnosed at the age of 37.
I was diagnosed as kid but in my 40s I saw psychologist on relationship problems and work stress. Never told her I was autistic. I really don’t trust psychologists with my diagnosis due my experience as a kid. So when she told me she thinks I’m on the spectrum. Well yeah and I’m not coming back. Quite traumatic what happened to me as kid. They beat the autism out of you or so they thought. Just caused me to mask really well to abound the yard stick. I don’t know if professionals are good for me.
My autism was cured! I was diagnosed as a kid and then another specialist told me I wasn't autistic when I had to get retested as an adult. Apparently I am not autistic because I can force myself to make eye contact and respond appropriately to questions. They told me I was lying on the questionnaire part of the test to get a diagnosis. I was later rediagnosed when I spent a week in the psych hospital and couldn't mask and not stim the whole time.
Paul - your expert is rubbish. Try to get a different one. Come back and tell us when you've got a better expert because the current one's way of thinking is freaking me out. His is a seriously flawed diagnosis. This is how we are kept in a state of doubting ourselves rather than being able to reinforce ourselves. If you know that you would treat yourself, differently, with an official diagnosis - think about how and do it anyway. Maybe, though, keep it all listed as your next expert might ask you how you feel and you might want to have a list of the things you do/don't do and how it has changed how you feel. When you feel fried - try to remember and write down the preceding events and what might have affected you. When you feel functional - it's harder to do ('cause you'll be disinclined to take a break from that buoyancy to do it) but maybe do the same. What happens on a good day and what happens on a bad day. Tell your expert these factors because it's likely they are completely different to what the expert might expect. To me - I have a rough idea of all the obvious or niche little things I need to keep me hitting the next 24 hours with the same baseline. They're each up on their own plates, some are big and some are small (all have different masses and behaviors) and all their poles may be different lengths, that I have to keep from going into terminal wobble. The frequency and energy I put into spinning each one - that's equivalent to the little things I need to do for myself. So, for instance, find some silence for a little while is probably on a small plate on a short pole and I have to keep doing that at a greater frequency. Length of pole might equate to how precise I have to be. Longer ones take much more concentration but not as much force. It IS a minefield but perhaps it's what we have to do - unless medication glues the plates to their poles and sticks everything into the ground at an easily accessible height! On those medication plates, though, it's gruel! Or spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, friend egg, and spam. "Fine by me - I happen to LIKE spam." Until somebody comes along and expects me to, obviously, make them a risotto... Because they ******* do.
I'm struggling so much with this and the realisation of this in my 40's that most days have moment(s) of feeling suicidal. The grief of late diagnosis and what comes with it is nuts.
similar situation, although I've not been able to get a correct diagnosis as a result of my ADHD and living in south Florida (*which is a void in neurodivergent awareness) It 's a moment to moment struggle to not have WILD MOOD SWINGS. I'm only diagnosed with AdHD, but after working for a decade next to my boss's son who has a much more severe condition than my own, I SAW MY CROSSOVER SYMPTOMS IN HIS STIMMS AND "BEHAVIOUR STRUGGLES' and he was labeled as "VERY" AUTISTIC DAILY. I formed a deep bond with him and miss him more than anything else about that job. (Was an art handler, framers and installation/home decorating design) But now that my legs barely walk without stumbling, I can't handle much at all. It's been a NIGHTMARE trying to get validation and support. I can relate to your struggle. and EVERYTHING Orion is talking about regarding those 'relationship killers'. It's very lonesome many days. I'm also struggling with suicidal thinking. I know what a burden I am on my family. My mother is trying so hard to help me. She wants ME to tell her what to do.... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HER. I am unsure and very vulnerable due to the confusion and fear this condition can cause. Thank you for commenting. it is clear there are MANY of us who have not been given the correct support and attention. A BIG THANK YOU TO ORION KELLY WHO IS IRREPLACEABLE! A TRUE WONDER OF A GUY WHO HAS HELPED SO SO MUCH in understanding my mood swings and why I feel so angry and sad so often! Sorry to go on for so long. I REALLY AGREE WITH YOUR COMMENT. Having autism or multiple diagnosis on the spectrum is so damned confusing and makes just sitting and relaxing for me nearly impossible. Thank God I got my medical cannabis card. It's been a huge help. NOT a cure, but it provides some relief. ok.. I'll cut this off now. I have the worst problem being able to STOP talking.
I totally relate. What makes things better is having the knowledge there are many people like you. It’s hard to meet people the same if you don’t live in a bigger city but online you can find so many more people who understand. What helped me is tackling all sensory overloads by sticking to things that I like whenever possible, making it a priority for good nutrition and hydration and then studying the differences in memory, prioritizing and abilities of neurotypicals vs neurodivergents. You can find books and papers on the different operating systems people have and it’s like having a copy of the rules of a game. It makes being different less painful and isolating. Plus, the cool part is there are many more people similar than what percentages are listed. The creative people overlap on traits as do ADHD people and Gifted people. That bumps numbers of people who can understand each other up to great numbers. Plus, once you see neurotypical people have disabilities in cognition and processing that are different but never spoken of, you can see that they are not perfect models of the best of what being human can be. Go into things for all these types of minds, they have unique things that can help too.
I'm 30 and totally relate to that. I got married last year and my whole world flipped upside down. I found out I didn't understand her or other people even close to as much as I thought I did. Heck I don't even understand my own emotions. Some days I just get so overwhelmed that I don't want to be here any more for a min. Just got to keep trusting in Jesus.
You have really nailed this subject. This is the first time in my life that I have heard of it. I have struggled with this all my life. My wife just thinks I have no empathy or that I am emotionless, when deep inside I am exploding with empathy and feel really emotional. I really struggle to explain to a doctor how I feel when I'll (which causes miss or non diagnosis).
Sorry to hear that. I hear you though. Nit can be hard to be brimming with unknown energy. It's not that you don't feel, hell you feel a lot, but you just dunno exactly what it is. I've had times where drs have had to tell me that normally people feel what they'd say is sadness alongside what I'm describing, not just like a disconnected description. And it's like, yeah, I see that as it after I analyse it, but at the time it's kinda just a fuzzy blob.
delayed emotions... this happens to me frequently. An example: I went to my grandmothers funeral in the morning and didn't cry as always during the service. Later that evening I went to work and a coworker said something about my miserable expression( I didn't know I was behaving different). I had an emotional breakdown and couldn't stop crying at the service desk wondering why everyone is so mean to me. Not until telling them I went to a funeral that day did I realize I was sad.
Yes! I get this! Feeling upset or angry or even elated about something only many hours or days after it actually happened, having been numb and apathetic in the actual past moment. It happens to me all the time, and unfortunately leads to a lot of painful confusion and misunderstanding in others.
i really relate to the idea of having a hard time accessing support bc of alexythymia. i had a pretty major episode of depression/burnout last year that was extremely debilitating - but all i could communicate was basically “i’m not doing well” and “i need help.” eventually i went to a hospital and that helped significantly, but it alerted me to the fact that i can’t access help if i can’t communicate the problem in the first place. in fact it really bothers me now whenever people say things like “if you’re struggling, ask for help! don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself!” bc i literally could not do that, and almost nobody in my life was in a position to reach out and check on me. i think it’s unfair under the best of circumstances for people to put all of the burden of getting help on the person who’s struggling, but when it’s done to an autistic person it could be outright dangerous. i’m not sure what i would have done without my partner around to help me.
I completely identify with this…I didn’t even realize how much I have been on the spectrum until recently. When I was on medical leave for depression, the range of emotions and anguish at not feeling I was being understood or getting any closer to the answers was sometimes too much to bear. My management team wanted to help me, and I do believe they have good intentions. I now understand why they feel like I’m no longer fitting in with my team…because I couldn’t communicate in the typical way with them from the get-go. My sense of honesty and lack of filter about my feelings has just been “too much.” Too frustrating, when we have sick patients to care for each day. Trust me-I don’t want to add to their burdens. It’s a painful lesson to be (re)learning after 20+ yrs as a medical professional, but at least I know now that I can grow from this experience. My goal is to find a role where I can help other more neurodivergent individuals express themselves with compassion, awareness and patience that is sorely lacking in much of the “normal” world.
Yes, I have experienced this too. I remember when I was 21, my then-Husband became frustrated with me and yelled "surely you feel some emotion. You can't be completely devoid of all feeling!". That was 24 years ago and I don't think I've changed - I still struggle to feel or name emotions.
I feel like there's an issue of being told what you're feeling by allistics. For example. Most of my life, I and a lot of people around me thought I had anger issues. My parents had me in anger management classes and stuff for most of my life. When I was told that this is anger, I just kinda rolled with it. That became the only language I had to describe my experience. I found out just last year that I was actually dealing with autistic meltdowns. Since then, these problems I've been dealing with all my life are finally starting to subside. Thank you for this content, by the way. If not for you and other autistic people making content like this, I never would have learned better about my experience as an autistic person. I'd still be thoroughly gaslit by allistic people, I'd still have my masks up, and I'd probably be clinging to toxic relationships.
I wonder if most people with "anger issues" are simply having autistic meltdowns. I knew a kid in elementary school who "had anger issues." After reading your comment, I realized each of those times actually matched autistic meltdowns.
@@heathertoomey7068 it's a possibility, I suppose. The best way to tell for sure is what happens after one finds out. Cause there is a lot of work that needs to be done if it is meltdowns.
10,000% this. Especially when a child, and plus some bonus scenarios when a female child. "That's not fun, let's do something else" "aww, you're sad right now" "it's not appropriate to feel overwhelmed in public" "you don't actually want what you want, you're confused" "we're going to an event, aren't you excited?" "You're at a five. You should be at a two." "Stop it. That's not ladylike, why would you even want to do that" "I know I said you're allowed to not be touched, but they're your family! You like being around them!" "You're not hurting right now, quit being dramatic" and, who could possibly forget - "crying is a toddler response. Do you want me to treat you like a toddler?" (I WAS FUCKING FOUR. FUCK YOU MOM.) (she's a lot better now, but sweet jesus is it too late to undo the damage)
"...thoroughly gaslit by allistic people". Oh I can relate and am finally getting wise to it. People are more pushy and manipulative with autistic people because they sense they can be.
Good GOD! This right here. Whenever I hear something extremely upsetting 90% of the time I’m calm as a cucumber in the moment and internally I’ll say to myself “Oh boy am I gonna be feeling this later” which could be hours or a couple days before it properly hits and I’m going crazy. But in the moment it’s all blank stare, taking in information to be mad about later because I can’t do anything with it right now.
This morning I sat down for breakfast and thought "hmm, this is the third day in a row I've lost my appetite." After dismissing all other possible reasons, I realised "Ohhh, my anxiety level musy be really high" Then I realised how anxious I've been for days. I also end up crying every time I do my homework because I don't realise I'm getting overwhelmed until it's too late (I still don't know why, since I find the actual work easy)
What helped me to be able to recognize emotions are movies, tv shows, and anime, and meditation. The first method was more geared toward ubderstanding other and the latter is my emotions. I still struggle to identify my emotions though and there are times that I can't recognize that I'm feeling something but it manifests in my body.
I did the same. And yes, even as an adult, it is quite confusing identifying some emotions. No one is ever prepared for childhood, teenagehood, or adulthood. Thanks to creators like Orion, now we have more information and resources.
If you're "struggling to identify" something, you're creating it. Not every feeling in the body is one of a discrete set of emotions. Emotions themselves are just a sensation paired with a thought.
It's so strange listening to someone else explaining me to me so comprehensively. One of the things I have always avoided: How do you feel? and What do you think? Thank you, Orion. This is like looking in a mirror.
When somebody says, "Hello, how are you?" do you, like me, try to change the subject? Just, "Hello." would do. Sometimes I just make a small grunting sound. I don't want to lie. I don't want to start out this potential conversation based on a completely false premise. I think I know what I think more than I know how I feel. Maybe, "How are you?" is time specific. It might refer to the precise instant the sound of the 'you' word is accepted by the brain?
I’m 53yo and recently discovered I’m autistic. I’ve been told I’m all in my head by loved ones and counselors after asking how I feel. I feel like I’m eloquently describing how I feel and why and people look at me like they are confused and tell me to speak from my heart. I think I feel emotion 100x more than allistic people, so the subtle distinctions don’t have meaning to me. I’ve practiced since young to ignore and push through the pain (physical and emotional) after being told “it’s not that bad” or “don’t be such a baby” so many times. I’m not sure how much much pain is typically tolerable so I pretend I don’t hurt until I shutdown or burnout. I am so happy to learn about my characteristics and how to take care of myself. Maybe I can end the cycle of burnout or decrease it significantly. Thank you for your channel and insight. ❤
wow i never knew what this was. im in "neutral" mode most of the time. i can be super empathetic or apathetic... i have controlled my behaviour in public all of my life 😔 it´s soo draining to be in public places for too long/in crowds of people.
My version of "I'm ok." in responmse to "How are you?" question and its versions is "I'm doing well enough, I think" whle being sleep-deprived and burned out working my self to the bones to fulfill the responsibilities of 4 different positions where I once worked at. Took me half a year later to figure out that I was burned out.
This was the first symptom that lead me to ASD for my son and then myself. Becoming overwhelmed, angry, and shutting down out of the blue- not recognizing emotional states until it’s too late. Parenting is the most detrimental part of this. Struggling to detect what your child is experiencing and they being unable to explain it leads to much frustration. Trying to be compassionate and supportive but misunderstanding and invalidating is… disheartening. Being unable to explain and teach the most basic part of humanity to your child leaves you feeling like a hopeless failure.
That's not basic at all. Almost no one recognizes that they are angry or in any mood. They're just perpetually thinking about the thing that made them angry.
@@MrCmon113people do often realize it, not in the moment, but not that long after. Getting ‘stuck’, or even when prompted/asked not being able to tell is more a symptom of this kind of issue.
@@stevewoolhiser7249long before I knew I was autistic, I thought I had an inherited form of insanity. I vowed I would never be a parent. It was already too late to persuade my siblings not to have babies.
I have trouble understanding my feelings and emotions too, and definitely hard to put them into words. I've also been called cold due to not showing emotions in the expected ways. Along with even not usually realizing when I'm feeling pain (unless it's pretty severe).
Had this fiercely as a child, but I guess I 'grew out of it' 🤔 or learned somehow somewhere along the way to identify my emotions, to name them and how to express said emotions. Nowadays I do not struggle much with this anymore... 👍
yes... as a boy id often have to "run away" from a situation. Leave the room and burry my face. As a man.. i still instinctively want to do this. But i am ok just suffering in front of people now.
I thought I learned how, but I get sick a lot and already suspected/ knew it was from emotions that I simply have yet to process, and possibly to even notice.
When my emotions are high, i do feel my heart. But mostly my eyes get itchy... I feel like my eyelashes turn into sand or something and i just cant see. everything turns bright and itchy. Everyone thinks im crying, but my eyes are just watering a lot. no sarcasm, my eyes just... flood up and i cant stop it.
@@MrCmon113 No. lacrimation is not the same as crying. It isnt emotional. It is a similar phenomena to snow blindness and dirt in your eyes; at the same time.
I am autistic and feel like I have learned how to identify my emotions and communicate them well. Yet this video made me tear up and I have no idea why.
Absolutely, it takes years of observing others and yourself to identify emotions. I used to watch TV shows as they, the actors displayed different emotions, and I'd try to repeat them. 🤗
Yep... I spent most of my free time as a child to observe others interact, and learned gradually to imitate or apply that. TV helped too, but also created over exaggerated emotions, so I had to learn to moderate my expressions of emotion again. 😅 I have some never dissipating memories of displaying way too big emotions (or entirely wrong emotions) as a child! 😂 Edit: learned and mastered "small talk" this way too. Also, I learned that my various ways of stimming were very visible, and viewed upon by others as "not normal". So I turned them to "inward stimming", not visible to others. That was definitely NOT easy... 😢 All by watching others, and applying... all to just "fit in"...
This isn't something I can even overcome. Sometimes, I just don't have a clue how I'm feeling. Or I'm not yet feeling the emotion yet, because I haven't processed it in a way that allows me to really emotionally grasp. This video hits so many great points.
I love to read, and books have definitely helped me understand my emotions. However, and I find this to be retrospectively hilarious, I always thought that the characters' emotions in books were highly unrealistic. I never questioned my perception because I just attributed the lack of realism to the books being fantasy and the author's prerogative for making things more interesting. I later realized that the emotions/internal experience probably weren't unrealistic, they were just more in-line with the neurotypical experience, which was, evidently, not my experience at all. I now realize that most of my favorite characters exhibit a lot of neurodivergent traits as well. I guess it's hard to notice the writing on the wall when we just thought it was fancy wallpaper...
I think you should also mention hyper expression. it's something i do. im overly expensive in my face, body language, and in my intonation. It's something i developed as a child to avoid constant misinterpretation and understanding. it helped me a lot. People finally understood how i tried to convey my words. This is also when i learned how you express something creates a vibe, and vibes are crucial to communication, but now, i found out it can also really be a struggle. the smile on my face doesnt always align with my emotions and sinds positive emotions are more acceptable to express ive come to a point where my body is telling me something is wrong (the trouble identifying physical pain from emotional distress) but i cant help but smile, it confuses me. Am i happy because im smiling, but it doesn't feel right. What am i feeling?
Note, im still really bad at reading vibes. I think you could see me as the same way a cartoon character expresses their emotion. When a cartoon character is angry, it's often portrait in an overly expensive manner. Too bad people aren't cartoon characters, and don't all express their emotions that way. What do you expect me to do sense your sad vibe, you don't show it on your face( I also have low empathy but not no empathy) more struggles.
Glad, mad or sad. These three little words describe our feelings in my opinion. I might have read it somewhere but can’t remember. Expressing them is usually nuanced, but not for Autistic people. At least not for me. When I’m sad I go into shutdown, no tears. When I’m mad it’s meltdown, just out of proportion anger. Glad…what is that? I can’t show that I’m happy. Just that blank facial expression as you said. This must really confuse and frustrate out loved ones.
Im pretty sure my emotions are more intense, more complex, and more controlled than most peoples. I also think differently. I dont really consider myself a human any more since I'm clearly so different.
Thank you for helping me understand the weird connection I have between my emotions and feeling physically in pain, and why I constantly say to myself "I don't feel good" - but can never feel the root of that not good feeling.
People think I'm strange because when someone asks me how I am, I sometimes answer "still alive". This answer makes more sense to me, because just answering good or bad is pointless conversation. I also struggle to react to being treated badly, I need to process my feelings then bring the subject up with the person about 24 hours later. Trouble is, because I didn't react at the time, the person then gets upset with me all over again. Thank you for giving me a word for what these struggles are
Email them or write a letter. I’ve hyper focused on something, and I brought it up… well that’s what I felt but in their perspective I ambushed them and that’s not ok! It took me a long while to figure this out but if someone hurts my feelings I send them a SHORT well written email. Make sure you send a text letting them know to look for it.
One of the biggest realizations in my life was when I realized that everyone had this entire game of emotions that I didn't even know existed. My view of all the events happening around me in the present and past completely changed. I realized why people got upset at certain things and why people do seemingly detrimental things like arguing. I still struggle to identify my and others' emotions, but I am definately improving. Practice is really key.
I wasn’t diagnosed with autism until I was 26. I can’t tell you how many times growing up people got upset because I had no reaction to things or don’t have the right reaction. I have so many people around me that want me to feel a certain way about things or do things that make me feel uncomfortable and try to guilt me because I don’t want to do it.
Hmm. A heavy gut feeling & a headache for days, like an internal scream locked in a cage that's wants to get out. Been like that for days, burned out from work & now I feel like a close friend hates me now...
I just had to take a huge step back and relax after I got onto my 12 year old daughter for misplacing my fingernail clippers I keep right by my sitting area. I felt so angry at her for 30 minutes. I went to her after I calmed down and explained I wasn't upset at her, just upset at the fact I couldn't see them where I always place them.
Thank you so much for this video! I was unsure that I have alexithymia until this video. I have worked on my language for so long that most people don’t see me as having cognitive alexithymia. But, I have noticed I can tell I feel upset but can’t I identify the deeper feelings. I notice the way my body feels, but can’t figure out why. I absolutely resonate with affective alexithymia because I get overwhelmed by my turbulent emotions and dysregulation. I have had shutdowns that look like dissociation or look catatonic. They say not to go to bed angry, but I just knew I was upset, so I woke up after sleeping balled up, having bad dreams, and waking up with a sore body and headache… this led me to finally realize I was angry. I think there is definitely a disconnect between the logical part of my brain and the emotional part when I get emotionally triggered. I also have a hard time receiving love from others while struggling to appropriately showing my love.
Yes! Every emotion is felt in my body. I also shut down & can’t express my needs & push everyone away. I have a hard time differentiating feelings with delayed responses. I have a hard time differentiating between physical & emotional pain. Relationships are very challenging. Thank you so much for this video!
My kid sent me this I'm almost 46 and learning a lot about myself. Three of my 4 are diagnosed autistic, which has made me look inward. My husband is autistic but he only fathered two of my four kids. I'm the common link...I know self diagnosis can be frowned upon, but the more I learn, the more things make sense.
After my diagnosis (at 42) my mother started researching and has come to the conclusion that she is autistic as well. As a result, she has found ways to deal with difficulties she has had her whole life that have been beneficial. She has no intention to get a professional assessment and, yes, some people would object to that, but she is helping herself. If you self-diagnose for the purpose of making things better, it is a benefit. If a professional diagnosis becomes available, it can sometimes provide additional benefits, but that's far from guaranteed.
when i saw this video, i thought it wouldn't apply to me but i watched anyway. and i realised, just now, that i have experienced alexithymia. however, i worked very hard and practiced and now i almost overcompensate and talk about my emotions too much. something that has really helped me identify my feelings is the emotion wheel. because it lets you pick a basic emotion you're feeling, then get more specific if you can. music has also helped me a lot. i tend to listen to music that has a similar feeling to how i'm feeling, which helped me pick out my emotions.
this a a challenge that i experience daily. i feel something is 'off', but cant put my finger on it. so, i begin to dissect the feeling which causes further frustration. this video explains that well. at lest now i have info about it & can process the feeling. or at least not so alone. Thanks Orion
I actually am a very emotional person, but i have kinda taught myself to mostly shut off my emotions. Helps me, since i kinda trained my brain to not care anymore, when the inevitable rejection by people who i considered very good friends comes arround. It is sad when you think about it, but it kept me from falling into depression again. There might be very rare occasions, where my shield breaks, then it gets bad. But there are few things that could get me to that point, nowadays.
One major tool I use is cartoons. The over exaggerated expressions help recognise the emotion and i have learned to attach body language and facial expressions to express the emotion of good, bad, meh, ok and so on. Gifs are also amazing for this sort of thing, entire conversations in gifs is awesome.
My emotions seem to feel more intense than most people expect. Before I got my official autism dx, I was told I was "Severely Emotionally Disturbed". I am often denied by others (including but not limited to my parents) recognition of my extreme/intense emotions. The best description i ever heard was "Imagine how you feel is 100x more intense, that is what [she/me] feels" This was said by someone I trusted, she was a kind friend I needed to have. Putting my feelings into words has been a struggle I have had across my entire life. The emotion of 'frustration' is the trigger for most of my fight/flight involuntary episodes (meltdowns).
I experience this. Yes, I have meltdowns; but, usually it is because I have had to suppress my real feelings for so long. Or, if someone will not respect my boundaries, when I ask to be left alone or that I am not ready to answer a question. And, when faced with something really painful, I tend to appear "calm". My mind literally is taking in the logic of the whole problem, then I fall apart later, when I actually have a chance to process the emotions. I have learned to just tell people that I need time to process, and then get back to them. Blow-ups come, when they do not respect that. I will say though that because I shut them down in emotionally-overwhelming situations, I also am great in an emergency. It is like I become laser-focused in dangerous and/or life-threatening situations. It's not a lack of emotion or empathy; it's quite the opposite- I feel so deeply that I need to dive deeply into it to understand why I am upset, without any added stimulus or information.
A number of these ring a bell for me. I was told as a teenager I am dyslexic but then I was also told that I don’t have it but I might be on the disability spectrum somehow. I only know for shore that I have a mild learning disability (since primary school age) & also 5 mental illnesses now. So I might need to look into things further now to see if there is something else there.
@@Truerealism747 I’m hopefully moving in a fortnight or less (was meant to be moving on Monday but had a updated & some things need to be done to new unit before that can happen now). So after that happens I’m going to look into getting tested for other disabilities because I would like to get a ndis plan/funding set up for myself. Not having anything to do with my family I need to make shore I have the help & support there when needed that I don’t fell I have been able to get at times over the years or not knowing we’re to go to get help/etc. so it’s going to be something I’m going to work on over the next couple of months or so (if not this year) to have the help I need at times in place when needed.
I knew, since about 9 years old that I was different but 50 years ago autism wasn’t a thing and I think I appeared mostly normal to people. I learned all sorts of coping strategies and never shared that I wasn’t typical with anyone until my wife, of thirty years, asked me if I may be “on the spectrum” last year. Since then we’ve been working through a lot of stuff and she been a huge help in continuing to navigate our relationship with this, new to her, information. I just always considered myself mostly a loner. This sheds some new light on exactly what some of my hang ups have been over the years. I can plow through what is “supposed to be” debilitating stressful situations but get railroaded by what I have grown to call “good stress”. I just can’t tell the difference without some outside cues so I often resort to distractive behaviour. Stimming I suppose, ignoring reality, physical outlets. I used to just go out and chop wood or any intense physical exertion and, of course, pushing physical limits to create a physical stress perhaps to match my psychological stress. One replaces the other and physical I understand.
I have done similar over the years. Recently it has been going out to hike with my dog. I'll hike until I'm exhausted and sore, but it's something I can understand, so dealing with it is much easier than dealing with all the nebulous emotional stress I don't understand.
Oh yes, I’ve seen that technique used a lot to reregulate. I’m too sendentary, and prone to freeze/psychomotor retardation behaviors, so my methods of distraction are more internal and cognitive. But I’ve come to recognize sudden absorption in a physical activity as a coping stim in others on the spectrum. I suddenly wonder if I could leverage it myself to thwart sudden cases of flight.
I am a neurotypical wife who is striving to understand my autistic husband. I love him unconditionally. Are there any resources you can share with me that will help to understand my beloved husband/best friend? I am deeply committed to helping our relationship work in the most harmonious fashion as possible. I don't want to inadvertently hurt or pressure him. We've been together almost ten years, and it wasn't until this year that we've been able to put a name to what he has been going through his entire life. My heart breaks for him.
I really appreciate what you're doing here. These videos are more helpful than any professional help I've ever paid money for. Here i don't feel like a subject being studied, but rather a peer that is understood. Thank you for that gift. You're helping people.
Your videos are incredible, I learn a lot from them. I am 60 years old and was diagnosed one year ago. I have a 24-year-old autistic son. I would love for you to link to the sources you mention that you have read. In this video on alexithymia I would love to have more reading material.
My friend pointed out I confuse excitement for fear. I often tell them I'm scared or that that the situation is scary but I'm smiling and stimming. Like the first time I made a pastry myself I told them that I was terrified, they asked if it was maybe excitement. Made me stop and think.
When I first saw the title, I thought it had something to do with a fear of using Google's Alexa.... 🤔 It reminds me of before I knew I was diagnosed, and a guy asking if I had ever heard of Aspergers, I thought he was talking about a new pork butt sandwich from McDonalds..... Thank god I only said, "tell me more about that." That was the path to discovering I was Autistic, now this, thank you.
INCREDIBLE!! Absolutely fascinating to me as I am trying to grasp THIS …. Helps me Not to be frustrated by him. But it’s still hard, cuz he closes completely up.., No connection… No emotion (presented) like numbness….seeming like a Choice… but yet it’s NOT by choice.
Oh my god. I’m 45, not diagnosed but very much autistic. I am shook and feel suddenly so recognised from this topic. Life could have been so different if there had been awareness and treatment while I was young.
Orion! It's Paul.. and wanted to tell you how much I appreciated this video. I have searched through many of your videos for the answers you provided in this one! You are helping me become even closer to my two beautiful autistic daughters, in ways I never thought possible possible!! Thank you!!
Thank you for what you do. So many people around the world either didn't get diagnosed as kids or ever. I'm in the latter category. I've yet to find a way to get diagnosed as an adult here in the states.
Good lord are a lot of these examples relatable! I feel really lucky that, when I was a kid, my dad (not knowing I was autistic, but observing that I was having trouble with emotions) taught me a process to figure it out. This goes: "I feel icky. Why? Am I sad, anxious, upset, etc? OK, WHY am I upset? Ah, it was probably because of the thing person Y said half an hour ago. OK. Now, is it reasonable to feel that way - eg were they really being insulting - or am I maybe making assumptions about their motivations?" And so on. However, while this works really well for me, there are a couple of downsides I have to deal with. The dumbest one is that because I've had 30+ years of practice doing this breakdown of how I'm feeling...some people go "you can't be autistic because you're too emotionally intelligent!" But the thing is...I do literally HAVE to process emotions THAT deliberately in order to understand them. I once thought I was repeatedly getting food poisoning because I hadn't realized a toxic relationship I was in was so anxiety-provoking it was making me throw up! Some people also don't like when I do this out loud. It feels too "cold" to them, and they're like "just feel your feelings!" I literally DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! Sure, once I've identified a feeling I guess I can just sit with it or meditate on it for a bit. And sometimes that's good - like if the feeling is grief, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. But most of the time I want to complete the process of deciding whether that reaction is reasonable and, if it is, what I should do about it. Slow processing of stuff like anger DOES have an upside, though! I find I'm unlikely to escalate a situation because, in the moment, I'm usually just trying to process the facts of what is happening. If I feel pissed off later, then I can figure out how I want to do about that on my own, and maybe come back with a "Hey, what you said earlier really hurt me" or other more measured response later. There's also just stuff that doesn't upset me as much as average, and other stuff that upsets me more. For instance, physical danger doesn't tend to stress me out once it has passed...unless I don't understand what happened. (Eg Someone broke into my house once - I called the police, got the door fixed...and slept like a baby. I guess because it didn't seem likely that would happen twice in a week, or whatever! But there was one particular car accident that gave me highway anxiety for a year because I couldn't figure out what had gone wrong, and therefore didn't know if I could avoid a repeat.) But things like conflict with a friend are SUPER stressful, because making friends is hard and I REALLY don't want to screw it up!
I think an emotion wheel is the most helpful thing i’ve ever been shown - gives all the names of all the different emotions that can be felt! I always struggled to identify anything more nuanced than happy, sad, tired or angry until i used the wheel and googled emotions - turns out i can now differentiate things a bit easier like feeling resentful, or apprehensive or betrayal etc. Thoroughly recommend!!
My grandmother had to tell me that I was feeling anxious. There was a school thing going on soon and I said "Yea... I'm excited.." but she recognized that I was anxious. Also that explains why I've sort of felt disconnected my whole life. Not that I don't love people, but I've also just felt numb throughout my life. This also explains why whenever my partner fails to let me know something and I find out later, I'm having a crying meltdown in my closet while he's sleeping. Because idk how I feel right then. Yes. I feel hurt but I shouldn't because like logically I know he doesn't mean to do it. But by the time I'm having a crying meltdown, it's too late to talk myself down. Maybe this is why I have loved music so much throughout my life. Because I can better explain what I'm feeling through sharing a song that lays it out perfectly than explaining it myself.
Oh my god! You explained a lot of hardships I face! I am a late diagnosed autistic woman. I have always had high awereness of sensations in my body but I just couldn’t put a name on them. So I have always had psychosomatic symptoms. And the delayed processing! Thank you for your explanation!
Usually when people ask me how I'm feeling I (thinking that I'm being helpful) start telling them exactly what I did and whether that was a good thing or bad so that they can feel it for themselves. And every time I couldn't properly describe what I'm feeling I'd just say "oh, well... pretty much the same as always, I think I'm just depressed". Watching this video made it make much more sense now. Wow..
It's odd because I believe I have chronic Alexithymia but I also think I studied the interactions, between others, so intently as a child and all life long - I have no problem picking up on hints of subtle emotional changes in people. If anything I'm more sensitive than can lead to sustained beneficial functionality. And, yes, dramatically delayed (or completely internally cross wired) reactions to emotional shocks but possibly faster than light reactions when jumping at a physical startle.
I’m similar. I’m lifelong hypervigilant/overactive fight or flight. That kind of faster than light reaction is commonly the amygdala and sympathetic nervous system kicking in. Something I don’t expect or recognize can be subject to those long processing times. I’m sensitive to others’ mood shifts too, mostly shifts to the negative. I’ve wondered if I can “read” others better than I am theoretically supposed to be able to, and it’s a major source of imposter’s syndrome. But I also think my interpretations might be largely pattern matching over decades, and theories of human behavior my mother taught me. Certainly I cannot respond to emotional shifts in others with complementary reactions (compassion in response to sadness, for example), I mostly mirror or freeze. So I’m definitely not as functional as NT people supposedly are (and some are definitely far more skilled than I).
The work of Dr. John Sarnos, who has written loads of books and a documentary, "All the Rage", saved my life. His work as the head of New York University Hospital's Pain clinic showed over and over how our feelings, especially not paying attention to them and feeling them can create physical pain. I was in bed for 4 years with fibromyalgia and occipital neuralgia. After following his advice I am not pain free but it is at least 85% better and I rarely spend a day in bed and usually for a migraine. It has been a godsend to learn to feel my emotions to release them. The only way out is through. Thanks for another great video, Orion!
I'm one of them! Hard to describe my emotional state at any given moment. Of this, I am only aware quite late in life (as with autism in general). Thanks Orion. I never knew there were two types. Thumping heart and sweats, I get those around social situations, then a need to flee. True, emotions can be delayed, even by a day or so, which isn't very useful. It's me too being somewhat unreadable with a crooked "smile". I won't apologise about these "trait" though. Inescapable. My vocab. around my emotions is limited too. For "them," I respond fine when asked how I am but then say to myself well not really.
Would feeling irritated in most all situations count as this? In so many situations where I should feel excited or relieved, I just feel irritated.. This along with the lack of facial expressions means if I don't contantly mask, people think I'm constantly pissed off. I never made the connection between this and the fact that listening to music I like can make me super happy or emotional at random sometimes.
i’m 56, just diagnosed last October. Bought your book. Love your channel. Love you being in the world. My relationship with information is extremely intense and I also struggle with Alexiathymia and I’m extremely compassionate. I’m kind of giving up on helping my people around me understand how my autistic software runs. They get upset with me because I am not willing to mask to the degree I used to. if I try to explain Alexathymia to them it’s now to the point where I feel like they’re going to think I’m just making excuses and using autism to be an asshole. I can already feel the turmoil around that. I can already feel the distance created by the thought of knowing what they’re going think coming into conflict with how I really experience the world.
I have the opposite challenge with my range of vocabulary. I’m too bogged down trying to be succinct because I have a lot of different ways I want to express similar feelings. I recognize this may be why I have been more slowed down in my processing of past stressful situations. When I’m less stressed, I don’t tend to be challenged as much by the basics of vocabulary. I think that’s why “keep it simple” has been such a stumbling block for me. It’s not that I don’t *want* to keep it simple…it’s just not 2nd nature. Finding more creative outlets and practicing on stock ways to express frustration is going to help me get better at communicating during times of discomfort. Thanks again for this video!
You are very right about perceiving internal feelings as external factors, Orion. I know you’ve talked before about the effects this can have on a relationship, and you’re right. That my amygdala is designed to look for external danger is one factor. I feel a strong negative emotion, it senses there’s a problem, and it pushes me to look outside myself for rhe problem. When my sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive, resisting the feeling that someone who is not me is doing something terrible can be incredibly hard. And since I have a hard time describing my actual emotion, I tend to describe how I’m feeling in terms of what I think made me feel that way, which encourages my head to validate my perceptions. And it’s how I express my emotions to others, which comes out like blaming them, even when I don’t mean to. It’s even more problematic when both people in a relationship are similar. My wife and I have really been struggling, and I think this may be a key reason why.
I truly enjoyed this video. I've been trying to figure out how to explain my emotional experience, without masking, with my therapist. He has been saying that I seem to have no issues with describing my emotions, so this video has helped me to better understand when I'm masking and when I'm actually aware of my emotional experience.
I can relate so much with this topic. When I worked in the social sector I had a daily routine to post-process all events during the day and write them down in a journal just to be able to understand them and process them emotionally. This took me 1-2 hours every day after work. It was necessary to do this to not get harmed psychologically and to do my work well. And during the day I always got compliments since I was able to stay calm in tough high pressure situations. 😂
Wow thank you for explaining this because I swore I didn’t have this problem but I didn’t know there were two kinds of alexathymia. I see now my cognitive alexathymia is and has been the root of a lot challenges for me
The feeling of not knowing the difference of excited and anxious this the nail on the head. And oddly the feeling of really needing to go #2 also feels like anxiety.
As it happens, they can somewhat intertwine. Anxiety can increase, um, motility. It eventually dawned on me that anxiety played a role in my regularity; it wasn’t all just fiber! It really is tied together, because the nervous system regulates that function. And in extreme cases, the sympathetic nervous system can actually encourage a sudden purge, which is why occasionally people who are terrified soil themselves. Supposedly this is to release excess ballast in order to outrun the tiger. I’m sure you wanted to hear all of that, LOL! But hey - special interests and pedantic tendencies...!
There is no difference. "Emotions" don't exist as distinct mental phenomena, they're just a thought paired with a bodily sensation. Excitement is a sensation paired with positive thoughts, anxiety is the same sensation paired with negative thoughts.
I started understanding emotions after I've watched Inside Out. Like it really clicked for me then. So I've became quite good when it comes to talking about theory of emotions. Still not so good in picking up on my own emotions when it would be handy to do so.
The gut-ache example actually reminds me of how it feels with heartbreak... it feels almost the same as cardiac arrest/heart attack, so the only reason it doesn't cause even more stress is that heartbreak also makes me stop caring... whenever emotions like heartbreak, grief, depression, or even loneliness occur for me, it's... excessively painful in a physical sense... my best way of describing this... alexithymia... my best way of describing it is a mix of physical sensation and translating the emotions to words... I can understand the emotion on its own, but... complex emotions still partly elude me... I can feel love, anger, and fear, but when it's too much of that same emotion, or too strange and complex a mixture of them, it's especially demoralizing and confusing... I never even had a word for this... "phenomena"... I'm most certainly going to want to make good usage and practice of this new word... "alexithymia"... a bit fascinating, I'll admit, but right now I'm currently dissociating to cope with trauma and the past, so I'm less emotional in this comment than I typically am with any comment... sorry if I sound weird here guys... this is just a result of a defensive response to internal/emotional/mental struggles and the toll they take... I should be fine, just need a moment to regain/reboot myself here...
I have always had my “excitement” come out as anxiety. I also shut down when I’m feeling scared or overwhelmed. Any extreme emotion causes a shutdown for me. Excitement can also make me throw up if it’s something I have been looking forward to for awhile.
I just learned this word. I was trying to articulate to my husband why I didn't know what was wrong and why I couldn't articulate it or put it into words. We've been together more than 10 years and I've always had this problem and have struggled to explain it to him. I finally asked in a group how to explain it and I described the visual representation of what was happening and people in the group told me this was a thing.
My pet hate at work is being asked if I had a good weekend or being asked how are you? Neurotypicals, love these question and think they are being ultra niice & polite! To me it's an irrelevant question and bears absolutely no relation to the task at hand. I also know that they have absolutely no real interest in how I am feeling, not that I could actually describe it anyway. I just wish they wouldn't bother asking.
I have so much issues with both not knowing how i feel and not being able to explain it, however ive learned to use music to explain it to others, because if i relate to lyrics i can pause it and explain it piece by piece, or just get some level of understanding within myself
Great video! When I was a kid, I was sometimes sent to talk to the school psychologist, and when she asked me how I was doing, I always just said "well enough." Any one else asking got that same answer.
Thank you for everything you are doing Orion… you’ve helped me to understand myself and ASD in a way I never thought I could… and I’m a nurse with lots of mental health experience… still waiting for an official ASD diagnosis at age 39 😂. Oh the lack of humanity 😅
I’ve been dealing with this my entire life I just cried thank you. I must be on the spectrum I’ve never been tested but I struggle with emotions I can’t express it in a certain way it’s super weird but thank god I found this video this is the best thing I needed to watch.
THANK YOU ORION! My favorite person is autistic and his has helped me so much! Thank you for the chapters, for speaking in a way that I can turn onto 1.5×+ and still understand, and for the jokes; it really helped me with my notes.
First time I got mortared was in a small camp in Iraq, I was close enough to see the explosions in front of me. I remember me and my battle buddy C laughed our ass off inside the bunker after we sprinted there. After the adrenaline wore off, they started bringing the casualties on litters into my bay for treatment and I remember I felt kind of out of body and didn't have feelings. Not sure if that was an example of detachment from emotions or if this is normal for neurotypical as well as people on the spectrum in these combat situations. As I read more on autism, I'm sure I'm on the spectrum. Have not been formally diagnosed yet.
I have all types of alexithymia issues mentioned in the video. I am not able to recognise that I have emotion until my stomach is so upset, and I do not know what words to describe my feeling, so I need to go through emotional cards and pick the word best describe my feeling. I also have delayed emotional response. Just got my diagnosis early this year and now everything makes sense. Thank you for the video.
I feel it all in my stomach. Lots of 5hings are like amorphous, grey, blob in my middle. Uncomfortable and unidentifiable. Sigh. Thank you for this video, I understand better now.
The really amazing part of it is how emotional and physical distress are so similarly processed by the brain... having developed a possibly pathologically strong tolerance for emotional suffering, I've found that I also have an obscenely high tolerance for physical discomfort. A couple examples... a toothache that by the time it became unbearable, had grown to a an abscess in my maxillary bone about the size of a US dime. Or a broken foot that took a month to diagnose because the podiatrist "couldn't believe someone with a broken foot could walk in here wearing flip-flops". Or the finding that the other foot had a bone that had previously broken - completely unknown - and healed separated. Or that ordeal leading to the realization that the pain was almost identical to a hand injury 10-12 years prior that went untreated but must have also been a broken bone. Or the fact that it has to be dangerously cold (freezing wind, rain, snow, blizzard) to be uncomfortable enough to need a jacket. People get really weirded out when it's 35 F with a gentle breeze and I'm out in jeans and a short sleeve sportshirt. But yeah, the constant emotional distress... its not just current conditions... it's having the sums of all prior situations still alive in some kind of permanence. Not every every word spoken or every day lived being at ready recall but more like key events in life never more than a passing thought away from become a nearly real presence. Maybe that's part of alexithymia... the "loudness" of those prior events being on par with or maybe even drowning out the present. Or at least, so much toil to contain those things that incoming signals start getting muted through the developmental years... I don't know. What I do know, it's exhausting.
I’m neuro-spicey and my therapist recognised straight away I have alexithymia. I do not feel emotions physically below the neck, I’ve had to learn how to feel my emotions from the electrical/warmth/tingling sensation in my head and slowly build up a catalogue of where certain emotions live. EG, anger is above eyebrow over left eye. Alexithymia for me was a choice in childhood to help me dissociate from the extreme suffering
I have a child with autism. Turns out I have a ton of symptoms myself now that my kid is older and I have to learn about my kids autism as a teen. Looking back through my life it feels obvious. Not having a diagnosis has impacted my life deeply. I'm diagnosed with c-ptsd as well. A life of stimming, deep feeling, sensory overload, texture aversions making me want to peel my skin off makes sense now. I wonder if borderline personality disorder is what happens when certain people with autism have trauma. I grew up in a cult and ended up with that diagnosis too. Thanks for your content. It's helping me understand not only my kid, but myself.
This issue was horrible when I was unaware of it. Now it can be an advantage. I definitely prefer to have the emotions later in safety than around the wrong people.
This all describes me perfectly. Coincidentally, earlier today I was just trying to think about how I expressed myself when I was a child when I was angry and I realized that I was shoving a lot of those emotions down, mostly because I wasn’t able to pinpoint why I was upset, and therefore didn’t/couldn’t express myself. I’ve also always had a lot of trouble expressing my feelings verbally, so I turn to other methods like art and music. I’m still watching the video and more stuff continues to resonate with me. Thank you for making this video
Thank you Orion.... this was a topic i knew very little about. I enjoy your videos.❤ I was diagnosed with ASD just 2 years ago. Since then my grandson had also been diagnosed.
Synesthethesia, or the color-presentations of sound can help expressions of emotions. I’d like to copy and embroider the emotion chart in expressive colors. Match musical phrases to those feelings in memorable contexts. Ok, yes, I am working in a historical folk drama. Selecting musical themes for scenes. Voicing the characters. So this clicks. Finally. Thank you.
After a childhood of being told “don’t let them know they upset you” or “don’t let them get to you”, identifying or expressing emotions is a serious challenge.
@@yeeshatravellerAw r u sure that's what it was? Maybe they didn't know what to do
Yeah that is interesting being told stuff like that. And it's just encouraged too, just let it roll off your back they say
@@yeeshatraveller Or maybe that worked for them so they thought it would work for you.
I was always told, "be nice." 🙄
Mine said "You're not old enough to get mad." Has taken a lot of work to allow myself to express healthy anger and find ways to process.
I realized I probably had autism when I was walking to my car and noticed tears in my eyes. I wasn't feeling anything particular, but I knew I was probably very disappointed in my new hearing aids or that I was feeling a lot of pain. I couldn't tell what it was for a while, but when the world started fading away and I started disassociating I decided it was pain. Later that day I was passed an 8mm kidney stone... Indeed I did have autism and got diagnosed at age 63.
Oh this gives me so much hope! I’m 45 & undiagnosed.
My God kidney stones are the worst pain known to man
Bruh I cry at random points all the time and have to stop and figure it out. Sometimes its joy, sometimes someone hurt me. Sucks to not know til I sort it out, especially when I'm really good at stuff most people call "hard".
It's been a wierd thing to deal with, but im slowly coming to terms with it just usually being a bit of an overload of whatever it is. Can be awkward.
@@everyusernameistakenomfg😢 My Jr high science teacher had a kidney stone. After, he commented he wouldn't wish that for his worst enemy!
I sang a solo at my mom's funeral. I don't think the grief had been processed yet.
Twice I've had girlfriends murdered by scumbags and it numbness at first and then at odd times I would start crying , usually when I was alone and felt safe to let it out I guess .
People probably think that I'm cold and uncaring but I don't seem to feel emotions quickly they take time to process .
I was trying to get a diagnosis from an "Autism expert" and kept telling him over and over that I didn't have words to explain what I was feeling or the experiences I was having. But I did eventually tell him that I was feeling very anxious and he said "oh so you don't have any problem identifying your emotions then". I told him that no, I have a lot of trouble with that - but he later said I couldn't be autistic because I had a girlfriend in the past, and besides, so many Australians think they are autistic, it's just silly right?
Obviously I'm completely neurotypical, all my symptoms mean nothing. Thanks so much for being a barrier to the help I need
Fuck autism experts. They don't know shit if they're not autistic. I am 37 and only started questioning my neuro-synaptic responses recently. I have gotten so many answers from neuro-divergent people. Albeit just as many questions, having self-diagnosed at the age of 37.
I was diagnosed as kid but in my 40s I saw psychologist on relationship problems and work stress. Never told her I was autistic. I really don’t trust psychologists with my diagnosis due my experience as a kid. So when she told me she thinks I’m on the spectrum. Well yeah and I’m not coming back. Quite traumatic what happened to me as kid. They beat the autism out of you or so they thought. Just caused me to mask really well to abound the yard stick. I don’t know if professionals are good for me.
My autism was cured! I was diagnosed as a kid and then another specialist told me I wasn't autistic when I had to get retested as an adult. Apparently I am not autistic because I can force myself to make eye contact and respond appropriately to questions. They told me I was lying on the questionnaire part of the test to get a diagnosis. I was later rediagnosed when I spent a week in the psych hospital and couldn't mask and not stim the whole time.
some 'therapists' are downright terrible people! SO VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND TRUSTWORTHY HELP!!! #FACTS@@michellethiesen7972
Paul - your expert is rubbish. Try to get a different one. Come back and tell us when you've got a better expert because the current one's way of thinking is freaking me out. His is a seriously flawed diagnosis. This is how we are kept in a state of doubting ourselves rather than being able to reinforce ourselves. If you know that you would treat yourself, differently, with an official diagnosis - think about how and do it anyway. Maybe, though, keep it all listed as your next expert might ask you how you feel and you might want to have a list of the things you do/don't do and how it has changed how you feel.
When you feel fried - try to remember and write down the preceding events and what might have affected you. When you feel functional - it's harder to do ('cause you'll be disinclined to take a break from that buoyancy to do it) but maybe do the same. What happens on a good day and what happens on a bad day. Tell your expert these factors because it's likely they are completely different to what the expert might expect.
To me - I have a rough idea of all the obvious or niche little things I need to keep me hitting the next 24 hours with the same baseline. They're each up on their own plates, some are big and some are small (all have different masses and behaviors) and all their poles may be different lengths, that I have to keep from going into terminal wobble. The frequency and energy I put into spinning each one - that's equivalent to the little things I need to do for myself. So, for instance, find some silence for a little while is probably on a small plate on a short pole and I have to keep doing that at a greater frequency. Length of pole might equate to how precise I have to be. Longer ones take much more concentration but not as much force. It IS a minefield but perhaps it's what we have to do - unless medication glues the plates to their poles and sticks everything into the ground at an easily accessible height! On those medication plates, though, it's gruel! Or spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, friend egg, and spam. "Fine by me - I happen to LIKE spam." Until somebody comes along and expects me to, obviously, make them a risotto... Because they ******* do.
I'm struggling so much with this and the realisation of this in my 40's that most days have moment(s) of feeling suicidal. The grief of late diagnosis and what comes with it is nuts.
I’m sorry. Please Know you are VERY IMPORTANT & NEEDED.
Pray to Jesus, your Master and commander of Heaven , he will help you One day at a time
similar situation, although I've not been able to get a correct diagnosis as a result of my ADHD and living in south Florida (*which is a void in neurodivergent awareness) It 's a moment to moment struggle to not have WILD MOOD SWINGS. I'm only diagnosed with AdHD, but after working for a decade next to my boss's son who has a much more severe condition than my own, I SAW MY CROSSOVER SYMPTOMS IN HIS STIMMS AND "BEHAVIOUR STRUGGLES' and he was labeled as "VERY" AUTISTIC DAILY. I formed a deep bond with him and miss him more than anything else about that job. (Was an art handler, framers and installation/home decorating design) But now that my legs barely walk without stumbling, I can't handle much at all. It's been a NIGHTMARE trying to get validation and support. I can relate to your struggle. and EVERYTHING Orion is talking about regarding those 'relationship killers'. It's very lonesome many days. I'm also struggling with suicidal thinking. I know what a burden I am on my family. My mother is trying so hard to help me. She wants ME to tell her what to do.... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HER. I am unsure and very vulnerable due to the confusion and fear this condition can cause. Thank you for commenting. it is clear there are MANY of us who have not been given the correct support and attention. A BIG THANK YOU TO ORION KELLY WHO IS IRREPLACEABLE! A TRUE WONDER OF A GUY WHO HAS HELPED SO SO MUCH in understanding my mood swings and why I feel so angry and sad so often! Sorry to go on for so long. I REALLY AGREE WITH YOUR COMMENT. Having autism or multiple diagnosis on the spectrum is so damned confusing and makes just sitting and relaxing for me nearly impossible. Thank God I got my medical cannabis card. It's been a huge help. NOT a cure, but it provides some relief. ok.. I'll cut this off now. I have the worst problem being able to STOP talking.
I totally relate. What makes things better is having the knowledge there are many people like you. It’s hard to meet people the same if you don’t live in a bigger city but online you can find so many more people who understand. What helped me is tackling all sensory overloads by sticking to things that I like whenever possible, making it a priority for good nutrition and hydration and then studying the differences in memory, prioritizing and abilities of neurotypicals vs neurodivergents. You can find books and papers on the different operating systems people have and it’s like having a copy of the rules of a game. It makes being different less painful and isolating. Plus, the cool part is there are many more people similar than what percentages are listed. The creative people overlap on traits as do ADHD people and Gifted people. That bumps numbers of people who can understand each other up to great numbers. Plus, once you see neurotypical people have disabilities in cognition and processing that are different but never spoken of, you can see that they are not perfect models of the best of what being human can be. Go into things for all these types of minds, they have unique things that can help too.
@@tinaureta9891well said❤
I'm 30 and totally relate to that. I got married last year and my whole world flipped upside down. I found out I didn't understand her or other people even close to as much as I thought I did. Heck I don't even understand my own emotions. Some days I just get so overwhelmed that I don't want to be here any more for a min. Just got to keep trusting in Jesus.
You have really nailed this subject. This is the first time in my life that I have heard of it. I have struggled with this all my life. My wife just thinks I have no empathy or that I am emotionless, when deep inside I am exploding with empathy and feel really emotional. I really struggle to explain to a doctor how I feel when I'll (which causes miss or non diagnosis).
Sorry to hear that. I hear you though. Nit can be hard to be brimming with unknown energy. It's not that you don't feel, hell you feel a lot, but you just dunno exactly what it is.
I've had times where drs have had to tell me that normally people feel what they'd say is sadness alongside what I'm describing, not just like a disconnected description. And it's like, yeah, I see that as it after I analyse it, but at the time it's kinda just a fuzzy blob.
delayed emotions... this happens to me frequently. An example: I went to my grandmothers funeral in the morning and didn't cry as always during the service. Later that evening I went to work and a coworker said something about my miserable expression( I didn't know I was behaving different). I had an emotional breakdown and couldn't stop crying at the service desk wondering why everyone is so mean to me. Not until telling them I went to a funeral that day did I realize I was sad.
Yes! I get this! Feeling upset or angry or even elated about something only many hours or days after it actually happened, having been numb and apathetic in the actual past moment. It happens to me all the time, and unfortunately leads to a lot of painful confusion and misunderstanding in others.
I do this too. I'm fine during the event, then go into "after shock" when it's all over
the pain of such loss can be replaced with the joy of re-connection or reincarnation...
Truth
i really relate to the idea of having a hard time accessing support bc of alexythymia. i had a pretty major episode of depression/burnout last year that was extremely debilitating - but all i could communicate was basically “i’m not doing well” and “i need help.” eventually i went to a hospital and that helped significantly, but it alerted me to the fact that i can’t access help if i can’t communicate the problem in the first place. in fact it really bothers me now whenever people say things like “if you’re struggling, ask for help! don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself!” bc i literally could not do that, and almost nobody in my life was in a position to reach out and check on me. i think it’s unfair under the best of circumstances for people to put all of the burden of getting help on the person who’s struggling, but when it’s done to an autistic person it could be outright dangerous. i’m not sure what i would have done without my partner around to help me.
I completely identify with this…I didn’t even realize how much I have been on the spectrum until recently. When I was on medical leave for depression, the range of emotions and anguish at not feeling I was being understood or getting any closer to the answers was sometimes too much to bear. My management team wanted to help me, and I do believe they have good intentions.
I now understand why they feel like I’m no longer fitting in with my team…because I couldn’t communicate in the typical way with them from the get-go. My sense of honesty and lack of filter about my feelings has just been “too much.” Too frustrating, when we have sick patients to care for each day. Trust me-I don’t want to add to their burdens.
It’s a painful lesson to be (re)learning after 20+ yrs as a medical professional, but at least I know now that I can grow from this experience. My goal is to find a role where I can help other more neurodivergent individuals express themselves with compassion, awareness and patience that is sorely lacking in much of the “normal” world.
Yes, I have experienced this too. I remember when I was 21, my then-Husband became frustrated with me and yelled "surely you feel some emotion. You can't be completely devoid of all feeling!". That was 24 years ago and I don't think I've changed - I still struggle to feel or name emotions.
yeah please listen to the guy above you just accused someone of being a potential murderer
I feel like there's an issue of being told what you're feeling by allistics. For example. Most of my life, I and a lot of people around me thought I had anger issues. My parents had me in anger management classes and stuff for most of my life. When I was told that this is anger, I just kinda rolled with it. That became the only language I had to describe my experience. I found out just last year that I was actually dealing with autistic meltdowns. Since then, these problems I've been dealing with all my life are finally starting to subside.
Thank you for this content, by the way. If not for you and other autistic people making content like this, I never would have learned better about my experience as an autistic person. I'd still be thoroughly gaslit by allistic people, I'd still have my masks up, and I'd probably be clinging to toxic relationships.
I wonder if most people with "anger issues" are simply having autistic meltdowns. I knew a kid in elementary school who "had anger issues." After reading your comment, I realized each of those times actually matched autistic meltdowns.
@@heathertoomey7068 it's a possibility, I suppose. The best way to tell for sure is what happens after one finds out. Cause there is a lot of work that needs to be done if it is meltdowns.
10,000% this. Especially when a child, and plus some bonus scenarios when a female child.
"That's not fun, let's do something else"
"aww, you're sad right now"
"it's not appropriate to feel overwhelmed in public"
"you don't actually want what you want, you're confused"
"we're going to an event, aren't you excited?"
"You're at a five. You should be at a two."
"Stop it. That's not ladylike, why would you even want to do that"
"I know I said you're allowed to not be touched, but they're your family! You like being around them!"
"You're not hurting right now, quit being dramatic"
and, who could possibly forget - "crying is a toddler response. Do you want me to treat you like a toddler?"
(I WAS FUCKING FOUR. FUCK YOU MOM.)
(she's a lot better now, but sweet jesus is it too late to undo the damage)
"...thoroughly gaslit by allistic people". Oh I can relate and am finally getting wise to it. People are more pushy and manipulative with autistic people because they sense they can be.
Good GOD! This right here. Whenever I hear something extremely upsetting 90% of the time I’m calm as a cucumber in the moment and internally I’ll say to myself “Oh boy am I gonna be feeling this later” which could be hours or a couple days before it properly hits and I’m going crazy.
But in the moment it’s all blank stare, taking in information to be mad about later because I can’t do anything with it right now.
This morning I sat down for breakfast and thought "hmm, this is the third day in a row I've lost my appetite." After dismissing all other possible reasons, I realised "Ohhh, my anxiety level musy be really high" Then I realised how anxious I've been for days.
I also end up crying every time I do my homework because I don't realise I'm getting overwhelmed until it's too late (I still don't know why, since I find the actual work easy)
What helped me to be able to recognize emotions are movies, tv shows, and anime, and meditation. The first method was more geared toward ubderstanding other and the latter is my emotions. I still struggle to identify my emotions though and there are times that I can't recognize that I'm feeling something but it manifests in my body.
I did the same. And yes, even as an adult, it is quite confusing identifying some emotions. No one is ever prepared for childhood, teenagehood, or adulthood. Thanks to creators like Orion, now we have more information and resources.
If you're "struggling to identify" something, you're creating it.
Not every feeling in the body is one of a discrete set of emotions. Emotions themselves are just a sensation paired with a thought.
It's so strange listening to someone else explaining me to me so comprehensively. One of the things I have always avoided: How do you feel? and What do you think? Thank you, Orion. This is like looking in a mirror.
When somebody says, "Hello, how are you?" do you, like me, try to change the subject? Just, "Hello." would do. Sometimes I just make a small grunting sound. I don't want to lie. I don't want to start out this potential conversation based on a completely false premise. I think I know what I think more than I know how I feel. Maybe, "How are you?" is time specific. It might refer to the precise instant the sound of the 'you' word is accepted by the brain?
@@batintheattic7293 If they ask me how I am, I am ok. Any day good or bad I am ok.
While I prattle on to correctly answer their question. 🤷🏻♀️
@@annamossity8879 I used to do that until my 8th grade teacher pulled me aside and explained that nobody wanted to know!
I’m 53yo and recently discovered I’m autistic. I’ve been told I’m all in my head by loved ones and counselors after asking how I feel. I feel like I’m eloquently describing how I feel and why and people look at me like they are confused and tell me to speak from my heart. I think I feel emotion 100x more than allistic people, so the subtle distinctions don’t have meaning to me. I’ve practiced since young to ignore and push through the pain (physical and emotional) after being told “it’s not that bad” or “don’t be such a baby” so many times. I’m not sure how much much pain is typically tolerable so I pretend I don’t hurt until I shutdown or burnout. I am so happy to learn about my characteristics and how to take care of myself. Maybe I can end the cycle of burnout or decrease it significantly. Thank you for your channel and insight. ❤
Do you have fybromyalgia ihave ADHD Asperger's heds do you have heds awaiting try ADHD meds for pain apparently the help burnout
wow i never knew what this was. im in "neutral" mode most of the time. i can be super empathetic or apathetic... i have controlled my behaviour in public all of my life 😔 it´s soo draining to be in public places for too long/in crowds of people.
My version of "I'm ok." in responmse to "How are you?" question and its versions is "I'm doing well enough, I think" whle being sleep-deprived and burned out working my self to the bones to fulfill the responsibilities of 4 different positions where I once worked at. Took me half a year later to figure out that I was burned out.
Same. You don't notice till it's ruined you. 😢
This was the first symptom that lead me to ASD for my son and then myself. Becoming overwhelmed, angry, and shutting down out of the blue- not recognizing emotional states until it’s too late.
Parenting is the most detrimental part of this. Struggling to detect what your child is experiencing and they being unable to explain it leads to much frustration. Trying to be compassionate and supportive but misunderstanding and invalidating is… disheartening. Being unable to explain and teach the most basic part of humanity to your child leaves you feeling like a hopeless failure.
This is why my siblings and I have all vowed never to have children. Our bloodline dies with us.
That's not basic at all. Almost no one recognizes that they are angry or in any mood. They're just perpetually thinking about the thing that made them angry.
@@MrCmon113people do often realize it, not in the moment, but not that long after. Getting ‘stuck’, or even when prompted/asked not being able to tell is more a symptom of this kind of issue.
@@stevewoolhiser7249long before I knew I was autistic, I thought I had an inherited form of insanity. I vowed I would never be a parent. It was already too late to persuade my siblings not to have babies.
I have trouble understanding my feelings and emotions too, and definitely hard to put them into words. I've also been called cold due to not showing emotions in the expected ways. Along with even not usually realizing when I'm feeling pain (unless it's pretty severe).
Had this fiercely as a child, but I guess I 'grew out of it' 🤔 or learned somehow somewhere along the way to identify my emotions, to name them and how to express said emotions. Nowadays I do not struggle much with this anymore... 👍
yes... as a boy id often have to "run away" from a situation. Leave the room and burry my face.
As a man.. i still instinctively want to do this. But i am ok just suffering in front of people now.
I have gotten a lot of therapy. I feel like I can identify and experience emotions better than before.
@@Red.Rabbit.ResistanceI still do this sometimes lol
I thought I learned how, but I get sick a lot and already suspected/ knew it was from emotions that I simply have yet to process, and possibly to even notice.
When my emotions are high, i do feel my heart. But mostly my eyes get itchy... I feel like my eyelashes turn into sand or something and i just cant see. everything turns bright and itchy. Everyone thinks im crying, but my eyes are just watering a lot.
no sarcasm, my eyes just... flood up and i cant stop it.
That's what crying is.
@@MrCmon113 No. lacrimation is not the same as crying. It isnt emotional.
It is a similar phenomena to snow blindness and dirt in your eyes; at the same time.
Ive sometimes described my emotions as adjacent to others like "sad-adjacent". Thanks for telling me why!
I am autistic and feel like I have learned how to identify my emotions and communicate them well. Yet this video made me tear up and I have no idea why.
Absolutely, it takes years of observing others and yourself to identify emotions. I used to watch TV shows as they, the actors displayed different emotions, and I'd try to repeat them. 🤗
Yep... I spent most of my free time as a child to observe others interact, and learned gradually to imitate or apply that. TV helped too, but also created over exaggerated emotions, so I had to learn to moderate my expressions of emotion again. 😅 I have some never dissipating memories of displaying way too big emotions (or entirely wrong emotions) as a child! 😂
Edit: learned and mastered "small talk" this way too.
Also, I learned that my various ways of stimming were very visible, and viewed upon by others as "not normal". So I turned them to "inward stimming", not visible to others. That was definitely NOT easy... 😢
All by watching others, and applying... all to just "fit in"...
This isn't something I can even overcome. Sometimes, I just don't have a clue how I'm feeling. Or I'm not yet feeling the emotion yet, because I haven't processed it in a way that allows me to really emotionally grasp. This video hits so many great points.
I love to read, and books have definitely helped me understand my emotions. However, and I find this to be retrospectively hilarious, I always thought that the characters' emotions in books were highly unrealistic. I never questioned my perception because I just attributed the lack of realism to the books being fantasy and the author's prerogative for making things more interesting. I later realized that the emotions/internal experience probably weren't unrealistic, they were just more in-line with the neurotypical experience, which was, evidently, not my experience at all. I now realize that most of my favorite characters exhibit a lot of neurodivergent traits as well. I guess it's hard to notice the writing on the wall when we just thought it was fancy wallpaper...
bro that is my new favorite autistic metaphor by FAR
Nailed it again, great job Orion. Now I know the reason it can sometimes take me up to a week to know how I feel about something.
I think you should also mention hyper expression. it's something i do. im overly expensive in my face, body language, and in my intonation. It's something i developed as a child to avoid constant misinterpretation and understanding. it helped me a lot. People finally understood how i tried to convey my words. This is also when i learned how you express something creates a vibe, and vibes are crucial to communication, but now, i found out it can also really be a struggle. the smile on my face doesnt always align with my emotions and sinds positive emotions are more acceptable to express ive come to a point where my body is telling me something is wrong (the trouble identifying physical pain from emotional distress) but i cant help but smile, it confuses me. Am i happy because im smiling, but it doesn't feel right. What am i feeling?
Note, im still really bad at reading vibes. I think you could see me as the same way a cartoon character expresses their emotion. When a cartoon character is angry, it's often portrait in an overly expensive manner. Too bad people aren't cartoon characters, and don't all express their emotions that way. What do you expect me to do sense your sad vibe, you don't show it on your face( I also have low empathy but not no empathy) more struggles.
Glad, mad or sad. These three little words describe our feelings in my opinion. I might have read it somewhere but can’t remember. Expressing them is usually nuanced, but not for Autistic people. At least not for me. When I’m sad I go into shutdown, no tears. When I’m mad it’s meltdown, just out of proportion anger. Glad…what is that? I can’t show that I’m happy. Just that blank facial expression as you said. This must really confuse and frustrate out loved ones.
Im pretty sure my emotions are more intense, more complex, and more controlled than most peoples. I also think differently. I dont really consider myself a human any more since I'm clearly so different.
Thank you for helping me understand the weird connection I have between my emotions and feeling physically in pain, and why I constantly say to myself "I don't feel good" - but can never feel the root of that not good feeling.
People think I'm strange because when someone asks me how I am, I sometimes answer "still alive". This answer makes more sense to me, because just answering good or bad is pointless conversation. I also struggle to react to being treated badly, I need to process my feelings then bring the subject up with the person about 24 hours later. Trouble is, because I didn't react at the time, the person then gets upset with me all over again. Thank you for giving me a word for what these struggles are
Email them or write a letter. I’ve hyper focused on something, and I brought it up… well that’s what I felt but in their perspective I ambushed them and that’s not ok! It took me a long while to figure this out but if someone hurts my feelings I send them a SHORT well written email. Make sure you send a text letting them know to look for it.
One of the biggest realizations in my life was when I realized that everyone had this entire game of emotions that I didn't even know existed. My view of all the events happening around me in the present and past completely changed. I realized why people got upset at certain things and why people do seemingly detrimental things like arguing. I still struggle to identify my and others' emotions, but I am definately improving. Practice is really key.
I wasn’t diagnosed with autism until I was 26. I can’t tell you how many times growing up people got upset because I had no reaction to things or don’t have the right reaction. I have so many people around me that want me to feel a certain way about things or do things that make me feel uncomfortable and try to guilt me because I don’t want to do it.
Hmm. A heavy gut feeling & a headache for days, like an internal scream locked in a cage that's wants to get out. Been like that for days, burned out from work & now I feel like a close friend hates me now...
I just had to take a huge step back and relax after I got onto my 12 year old daughter for misplacing my fingernail clippers I keep right by my sitting area. I felt so angry at her for 30 minutes. I went to her after I calmed down and explained I wasn't upset at her, just upset at the fact I couldn't see them where I always place them.
UPDATE! my daughter found them today! They had fallen in her house slipper!💝😄
Thank you so much for this video! I was unsure that I have alexithymia until this video. I have worked on my language for so long that most people don’t see me as having cognitive alexithymia. But, I have noticed I can tell I feel upset but can’t I identify the deeper feelings. I notice the way my body feels, but can’t figure out why. I absolutely resonate with affective alexithymia because I get overwhelmed by my turbulent emotions and dysregulation. I have had shutdowns that look like dissociation or look catatonic. They say not to go to bed angry, but I just knew I was upset, so I woke up after sleeping balled up, having bad dreams, and waking up with a sore body and headache… this led me to finally realize I was angry. I think there is definitely a disconnect between the logical part of my brain and the emotional part when I get emotionally triggered. I also have a hard time receiving love from others while struggling to appropriately showing my love.
I related to this video so much that it brought a tear to my eye.
Yes! Every emotion is felt in my body. I also shut down & can’t express my needs & push everyone away.
I have a hard time differentiating feelings with delayed responses.
I have a hard time differentiating between physical & emotional pain.
Relationships are very challenging.
Thank you so much for this video!
My kid sent me this
I'm almost 46 and learning a lot about myself. Three of my 4 are diagnosed autistic, which has made me look inward. My husband is autistic but he only fathered two of my four kids. I'm the common link...I know self diagnosis can be frowned upon, but the more I learn, the more things make sense.
After my diagnosis (at 42) my mother started researching and has come to the conclusion that she is autistic as well. As a result, she has found ways to deal with difficulties she has had her whole life that have been beneficial.
She has no intention to get a professional assessment and, yes, some people would object to that, but she is helping herself. If you self-diagnose for the purpose of making things better, it is a benefit. If a professional diagnosis becomes available, it can sometimes provide additional benefits, but that's far from guaranteed.
This is SUCH a huge issue in relationships. Thanks for the tips.
when i saw this video, i thought it wouldn't apply to me but i watched anyway. and i realised, just now, that i have experienced alexithymia. however, i worked very hard and practiced and now i almost overcompensate and talk about my emotions too much.
something that has really helped me identify my feelings is the emotion wheel. because it lets you pick a basic emotion you're feeling, then get more specific if you can. music has also helped me a lot. i tend to listen to music that has a similar feeling to how i'm feeling, which helped me pick out my emotions.
this a a challenge that i experience daily. i feel something is 'off', but cant put my finger on it. so, i begin to dissect the feeling which causes further frustration. this video explains that well. at lest now i have info about it & can process the feeling. or at least not so alone. Thanks Orion
I actually am a very emotional person, but i have kinda taught myself to mostly shut off my emotions. Helps me, since i kinda trained my brain to not care anymore, when the inevitable rejection by people who i considered very good friends comes arround. It is sad when you think about it, but it kept me from falling into depression again.
There might be very rare occasions, where my shield breaks, then it gets bad. But there are few things that could get me to that point, nowadays.
One major tool I use is cartoons. The over exaggerated expressions help recognise the emotion and i have learned to attach body language and facial expressions to express the emotion of good, bad, meh, ok and so on. Gifs are also amazing for this sort of thing, entire conversations in gifs is awesome.
My emotions seem to feel more intense than most people expect.
Before I got my official autism dx, I was told I was "Severely Emotionally Disturbed".
I am often denied by others (including but not limited to my parents) recognition of my extreme/intense emotions.
The best description i ever heard was "Imagine how you feel is 100x more intense, that is what [she/me] feels" This was said by someone I trusted, she was a kind friend I needed to have. Putting my feelings into words has been a struggle I have had across my entire life.
The emotion of 'frustration' is the trigger for most of my fight/flight involuntary episodes (meltdowns).
I experience this. Yes, I have meltdowns; but, usually it is because I have had to suppress my real feelings for so long. Or, if someone will not respect my boundaries, when I ask to be left alone or that I am not ready to answer a question. And, when faced with something really painful, I tend to appear "calm". My mind literally is taking in the logic of the whole problem, then I fall apart later, when I actually have a chance to process the emotions. I have learned to just tell people that I need time to process, and then get back to them. Blow-ups come, when they do not respect that. I will say though that because I shut them down in emotionally-overwhelming situations, I also am great in an emergency. It is like I become laser-focused in dangerous and/or life-threatening situations. It's not a lack of emotion or empathy; it's quite the opposite- I feel so deeply that I need to dive deeply into it to understand why I am upset, without any added stimulus or information.
This is the clearest elucidation of alexithymia that I have heard.
A number of these ring a bell for me.
I was told as a teenager I am dyslexic but then I was also told that I don’t have it but I might be on the disability spectrum somehow.
I only know for shore that I have a mild learning disability (since primary school age) & also 5 mental illnesses now.
So I might need to look into things further now to see if there is something else there.
Check if your hypermobile I have OCD from 3 heds asperger's ADHD fybromyalgia all related to alexethemia dyscalcula
@@Truerealism747
I’m hopefully moving in a fortnight or less (was meant to be moving on Monday but had a updated & some things need to be done to new unit before that can happen now).
So after that happens I’m going to look into getting tested for other disabilities because I would like to get a ndis plan/funding set up for myself. Not having anything to do with my family I need to make shore I have the help & support there when needed that I don’t fell I have been able to get at times over the years or not knowing we’re to go to get help/etc.
so it’s going to be something I’m going to work on over the next couple of months or so (if not this year) to have the help I need at times in place when needed.
I knew, since about 9 years old that I was different but 50 years ago autism wasn’t a thing and I think I appeared mostly normal to people. I learned all sorts of coping strategies and never shared that I wasn’t typical with anyone until my wife, of thirty years, asked me if I may be “on the spectrum” last year. Since then we’ve been working through a lot of stuff and she been a huge help in continuing to navigate our relationship with this, new to her, information. I just always considered myself mostly a loner.
This sheds some new light on exactly what some of my hang ups have been over the years. I can plow through what is “supposed to be” debilitating stressful situations but get railroaded by what I have grown to call “good stress”. I just can’t tell the difference without some outside cues so I often resort to distractive behaviour. Stimming I suppose, ignoring reality, physical outlets. I used to just go out and chop wood or any intense physical exertion and, of course, pushing physical limits to create a physical stress perhaps to match my psychological stress. One replaces the other and physical I understand.
I have done similar over the years. Recently it has been going out to hike with my dog. I'll hike until I'm exhausted and sore, but it's something I can understand, so dealing with it is much easier than dealing with all the nebulous emotional stress I don't understand.
Oh yes, I’ve seen that technique used a lot to reregulate. I’m too sendentary, and prone to freeze/psychomotor retardation behaviors, so my methods of distraction are more internal and cognitive. But I’ve come to recognize sudden absorption in a physical activity as a coping stim in others on the spectrum. I suddenly wonder if I could leverage it myself to thwart sudden cases of flight.
I am a neurotypical wife who is striving to understand my autistic husband. I love him unconditionally. Are there any resources you can share with me that will help to understand my beloved husband/best friend? I am deeply committed to helping our relationship work in the most harmonious fashion as possible. I don't want to inadvertently hurt or pressure him. We've been together almost ten years, and it wasn't until this year that we've been able to put a name to what he has been going through his entire life. My heart breaks for him.
I really appreciate what you're doing here. These videos are more helpful than any professional help I've ever paid money for. Here i don't feel like a subject being studied, but rather a peer that is understood. Thank you for that gift. You're helping people.
Your videos are incredible, I learn a lot from them. I am 60 years old and was diagnosed one year ago. I have a 24-year-old autistic son. I would love for you to link to the sources you mention that you have read. In this video on alexithymia I would love to have more reading material.
My friend pointed out I confuse excitement for fear. I often tell them I'm scared or that that the situation is scary but I'm smiling and stimming. Like the first time I made a pastry myself I told them that I was terrified, they asked if it was maybe excitement. Made me stop and think.
When I first saw the title, I thought it had something to do with a fear of using Google's Alexa.... 🤔 It reminds me of before I knew I was diagnosed, and a guy asking if I had ever heard of Aspergers, I thought he was talking about a new pork butt sandwich from McDonalds..... Thank god I only said, "tell me more about that." That was the path to discovering I was Autistic, now this, thank you.
INCREDIBLE!! Absolutely fascinating to me as I am trying to grasp THIS …. Helps me Not to be frustrated by him. But it’s still hard, cuz he closes completely up.., No connection… No emotion (presented) like numbness….seeming like a Choice… but yet it’s NOT by choice.
Oh my god. I’m 45, not diagnosed but very much autistic. I am shook and feel suddenly so recognised from this topic. Life could have been so different if there had been awareness and treatment while I was young.
Orion! It's Paul.. and wanted to tell you how much I appreciated this video. I have searched through many of your videos for the answers you provided in this one! You are helping me become even closer to my two beautiful autistic daughters, in ways I never thought possible possible!! Thank you!!
Thank you for what you do. So many people around the world either didn't get diagnosed as kids or ever. I'm in the latter category. I've yet to find a way to get diagnosed as an adult here in the states.
Good lord are a lot of these examples relatable!
I feel really lucky that, when I was a kid, my dad (not knowing I was autistic, but observing that I was having trouble with emotions) taught me a process to figure it out. This goes: "I feel icky. Why? Am I sad, anxious, upset, etc? OK, WHY am I upset? Ah, it was probably because of the thing person Y said half an hour ago. OK. Now, is it reasonable to feel that way - eg were they really being insulting - or am I maybe making assumptions about their motivations?" And so on.
However, while this works really well for me, there are a couple of downsides I have to deal with.
The dumbest one is that because I've had 30+ years of practice doing this breakdown of how I'm feeling...some people go "you can't be autistic because you're too emotionally intelligent!" But the thing is...I do literally HAVE to process emotions THAT deliberately in order to understand them. I once thought I was repeatedly getting food poisoning because I hadn't realized a toxic relationship I was in was so anxiety-provoking it was making me throw up!
Some people also don't like when I do this out loud. It feels too "cold" to them, and they're like "just feel your feelings!" I literally DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! Sure, once I've identified a feeling I guess I can just sit with it or meditate on it for a bit. And sometimes that's good - like if the feeling is grief, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. But most of the time I want to complete the process of deciding whether that reaction is reasonable and, if it is, what I should do about it.
Slow processing of stuff like anger DOES have an upside, though! I find I'm unlikely to escalate a situation because, in the moment, I'm usually just trying to process the facts of what is happening. If I feel pissed off later, then I can figure out how I want to do about that on my own, and maybe come back with a "Hey, what you said earlier really hurt me" or other more measured response later.
There's also just stuff that doesn't upset me as much as average, and other stuff that upsets me more. For instance, physical danger doesn't tend to stress me out once it has passed...unless I don't understand what happened. (Eg Someone broke into my house once - I called the police, got the door fixed...and slept like a baby. I guess because it didn't seem likely that would happen twice in a week, or whatever! But there was one particular car accident that gave me highway anxiety for a year because I couldn't figure out what had gone wrong, and therefore didn't know if I could avoid a repeat.) But things like conflict with a friend are SUPER stressful, because making friends is hard and I REALLY don't want to screw it up!
I think an emotion wheel is the most helpful thing i’ve ever been shown - gives all the names of all the different emotions that can be felt! I always struggled to identify anything more nuanced than happy, sad, tired or angry until i used the wheel and googled emotions - turns out i can now differentiate things a bit easier like feeling resentful, or apprehensive or betrayal etc. Thoroughly recommend!!
My grandmother had to tell me that I was feeling anxious. There was a school thing going on soon and I said "Yea... I'm excited.." but she recognized that I was anxious.
Also that explains why I've sort of felt disconnected my whole life. Not that I don't love people, but I've also just felt numb throughout my life.
This also explains why whenever my partner fails to let me know something and I find out later, I'm having a crying meltdown in my closet while he's sleeping. Because idk how I feel right then. Yes. I feel hurt but I shouldn't because like logically I know he doesn't mean to do it. But by the time I'm having a crying meltdown, it's too late to talk myself down.
Maybe this is why I have loved music so much throughout my life. Because I can better explain what I'm feeling through sharing a song that lays it out perfectly than explaining it myself.
Oh my god! You explained a lot of hardships I face! I am a late diagnosed autistic woman. I have always had high awereness of sensations in my body but I just couldn’t put a name on them. So I have always had psychosomatic symptoms. And the delayed processing! Thank you for your explanation!
Are you watching my life and posting exactly what the fight was about this is like the 5th time.
Usually when people ask me how I'm feeling I (thinking that I'm being helpful) start telling them exactly what I did and whether that was a good thing or bad so that they can feel it for themselves. And every time I couldn't properly describe what I'm feeling I'd just say "oh, well... pretty much the same as always, I think I'm just depressed". Watching this video made it make much more sense now. Wow..
I'm glad that there's an explanation for my emotional detachment. I have affective alexithymia!
Stess absolutely kneecaps me. I have been working on emotional resiliency. This info will be so helpful!
It's odd because I believe I have chronic Alexithymia but I also think I studied the interactions, between others, so intently as a child and all life long - I have no problem picking up on hints of subtle emotional changes in people. If anything I'm more sensitive than can lead to sustained beneficial functionality. And, yes, dramatically delayed (or completely internally cross wired) reactions to emotional shocks but possibly faster than light reactions when jumping at a physical startle.
I’m similar. I’m lifelong hypervigilant/overactive fight or flight. That kind of faster than light reaction is commonly the amygdala and sympathetic nervous system kicking in. Something I don’t expect or recognize can be subject to those long processing times.
I’m sensitive to others’ mood shifts too, mostly shifts to the negative. I’ve wondered if I can “read” others better than I am theoretically supposed to be able to, and it’s a major source of imposter’s syndrome. But I also think my interpretations might be largely pattern matching over decades, and theories of human behavior my mother taught me. Certainly I cannot respond to emotional shifts in others with complementary reactions (compassion in response to sadness, for example), I mostly mirror or freeze. So I’m definitely not as functional as NT people supposedly are (and some are definitely far more skilled than I).
The work of Dr. John Sarnos, who has written loads of books and a documentary, "All the Rage", saved my life. His work as the head of New York University Hospital's Pain clinic showed over and over how our feelings, especially not paying attention to them and feeling them can create physical pain. I was in bed for 4 years with fibromyalgia and occipital neuralgia. After following his advice I am not pain free but it is at least 85% better and I rarely spend a day in bed and usually for a migraine. It has been a godsend to learn to feel my emotions to release them. The only way out is through. Thanks for another great video, Orion!
I'm one of them! Hard to describe my emotional state at any given moment. Of this, I am only aware quite late in life (as with autism in general). Thanks Orion. I never knew there were two types. Thumping heart and sweats, I get those around social situations, then a need to flee. True, emotions can be delayed, even by a day or so, which isn't very useful. It's me too being somewhat unreadable with a crooked "smile". I won't apologise about these "trait" though. Inescapable. My vocab. around my emotions is limited too. For "them," I respond fine when asked how I am but then say to myself well not really.
Would feeling irritated in most all situations count as this? In so many situations where I should feel excited or relieved, I just feel irritated.. This along with the lack of facial expressions means if I don't contantly mask, people think I'm constantly pissed off. I never made the connection between this and the fact that listening to music I like can make me super happy or emotional at random sometimes.
i’m 56, just diagnosed last October. Bought your book. Love your channel. Love you being in the world. My relationship with information is extremely intense and I also struggle with Alexiathymia and I’m extremely compassionate.
I’m kind of giving up on helping my people around me understand how my autistic software runs. They get upset with me because I am not willing to mask to the degree I used to. if I try to explain Alexathymia to them it’s now to the point where I feel like they’re going to think I’m just making excuses and using autism to be an asshole.
I can already feel the turmoil around that. I can already feel the distance created by the thought of knowing what they’re going think coming into conflict with how I really experience the world.
I have the opposite challenge with my range of vocabulary. I’m too bogged down trying to be succinct because I have a lot of different ways I want to express similar feelings.
I recognize this may be why I have been more slowed down in my processing of past stressful situations.
When I’m less stressed, I don’t tend to be challenged as much by the basics of vocabulary.
I think that’s why “keep it simple” has been such a stumbling block for me. It’s not that I don’t *want* to keep it simple…it’s just not 2nd nature.
Finding more creative outlets and practicing on stock ways to express frustration is going to help me get better at communicating during times of discomfort. Thanks again for this video!
You are very right about perceiving internal feelings as external factors, Orion. I know you’ve talked before about the effects this can have on a relationship, and you’re right. That my amygdala is designed to look for external danger is one factor. I feel a strong negative emotion, it senses there’s a problem, and it pushes me to look outside myself for rhe problem. When my sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive, resisting the feeling that someone who is not me is doing something terrible can be incredibly hard. And since I have a hard time describing my actual emotion, I tend to describe how I’m feeling in terms of what I think made me feel that way, which encourages my head to validate my perceptions. And it’s how I express my emotions to others, which comes out like blaming them, even when I don’t mean to.
It’s even more problematic when both people in a relationship are similar. My wife and I have really been struggling, and I think this may be a key reason why.
My 17 year old daughter has this. I never knew there was a name for it. Thankyou.
I truly enjoyed this video. I've been trying to figure out how to explain my emotional experience, without masking, with my therapist. He has been saying that I seem to have no issues with describing my emotions, so this video has helped me to better understand when I'm masking and when I'm actually aware of my emotional experience.
The amount of times I've responded "yeah... Alright... I suppose" to be met with concern when I'm literally ok is unreal 💀😂
I can relate so much with this topic. When I worked in the social sector I had a daily routine to post-process all events during the day and write them down in a journal just to be able to understand them and process them emotionally. This took me 1-2 hours every day after work. It was necessary to do this to not get harmed psychologically and to do my work well. And during the day I always got compliments since I was able to stay calm in tough high pressure situations. 😂
I haven't even started watching yet and you've already explained my entire life
Wow thank you for explaining this because I swore I didn’t have this problem but I didn’t know there were two kinds of alexathymia. I see now my cognitive alexathymia is and has been the root of a lot challenges for me
The feeling of not knowing the difference of excited and anxious this the nail on the head. And oddly the feeling of really needing to go #2 also feels like anxiety.
Anxious to get to the bathroom. Sometimes all you need is a good poop to feel better.
As it happens, they can somewhat intertwine. Anxiety can increase, um, motility. It eventually dawned on me that anxiety played a role in my regularity; it wasn’t all just fiber!
It really is tied together, because the nervous system regulates that function. And in extreme cases, the sympathetic nervous system can actually encourage a sudden purge, which is why occasionally people who are terrified soil themselves. Supposedly this is to release excess ballast in order to outrun the tiger.
I’m sure you wanted to hear all of that, LOL! But hey - special interests and pedantic tendencies...!
There is no difference.
"Emotions" don't exist as distinct mental phenomena, they're just a thought paired with a bodily sensation.
Excitement is a sensation paired with positive thoughts, anxiety is the same sensation paired with negative thoughts.
Anxiety, for me, can bleed into excitement when waiting for something new.
@@jimwilliams3816Strangely enough anxiety can also cause constipation.
I started understanding emotions after I've watched Inside Out. Like it really clicked for me then. So I've became quite good when it comes to talking about theory of emotions. Still not so good in picking up on my own emotions when it would be handy to do so.
The gut-ache example actually reminds me of how it feels with heartbreak... it feels almost the same as cardiac arrest/heart attack, so the only reason it doesn't cause even more stress is that heartbreak also makes me stop caring... whenever emotions like heartbreak, grief, depression, or even loneliness occur for me, it's... excessively painful in a physical sense... my best way of describing this... alexithymia... my best way of describing it is a mix of physical sensation and translating the emotions to words... I can understand the emotion on its own, but... complex emotions still partly elude me... I can feel love, anger, and fear, but when it's too much of that same emotion, or too strange and complex a mixture of them, it's especially demoralizing and confusing... I never even had a word for this... "phenomena"... I'm most certainly going to want to make good usage and practice of this new word... "alexithymia"... a bit fascinating, I'll admit, but right now I'm currently dissociating to cope with trauma and the past, so I'm less emotional in this comment than I typically am with any comment... sorry if I sound weird here guys... this is just a result of a defensive response to internal/emotional/mental struggles and the toll they take... I should be fine, just need a moment to regain/reboot myself here...
I have always had my “excitement” come out as anxiety. I also shut down when I’m feeling scared or overwhelmed. Any extreme emotion causes a shutdown for me. Excitement can also make me throw up if it’s something I have been looking forward to for awhile.
Brilliant as ever ... I loved the idea of using weather as you can sense weather in so many ways. That makes so much sense to me ❤
I just learned this word. I was trying to articulate to my husband why I didn't know what was wrong and why I couldn't articulate it or put it into words. We've been together more than 10 years and I've always had this problem and have struggled to explain it to him. I finally asked in a group how to explain it and I described the visual representation of what was happening and people in the group told me this was a thing.
My pet hate at work is being asked if I had a good weekend or being asked how are you? Neurotypicals, love these question and think they are being ultra niice & polite! To me it's an irrelevant question and bears absolutely no relation to the task at hand. I also know that they have absolutely no real interest in how I am feeling, not that I could actually describe it anyway. I just wish they wouldn't bother asking.
What is the worst that could happen if you actually just told them to not ask? At least then those questions wouldn't ruin your day.
I have so much issues with both not knowing how i feel and not being able to explain it, however ive learned to use music to explain it to others, because if i relate to lyrics i can pause it and explain it piece by piece, or just get some level of understanding within myself
Great video! When I was a kid, I was sometimes sent to talk to the school psychologist, and when she asked me how I was doing, I always just said "well enough." Any one else asking got that same answer.
Thank you for everything you are doing Orion… you’ve helped me to understand myself and ASD in a way I never thought I could… and I’m a nurse with lots of mental health experience… still waiting for an official ASD diagnosis at age 39 😂. Oh the lack of humanity 😅
I’ve been dealing with this my entire life I just cried thank you. I must be on the spectrum I’ve never been tested but I struggle with emotions I can’t express it in a certain way it’s super weird but thank god I found this video this is the best thing I needed to watch.
THANK YOU ORION! My favorite person is autistic and his has helped me so much! Thank you for the chapters, for speaking in a way that I can turn onto 1.5×+ and still understand, and for the jokes; it really helped me with my notes.
First time I got mortared was in a small camp in Iraq, I was close enough to see the explosions in front of me. I remember me and my battle buddy C laughed our ass off inside the bunker after we sprinted there. After the adrenaline wore off, they started bringing the casualties on litters into my bay for treatment and I remember I felt kind of out of body and didn't have feelings. Not sure if that was an example of detachment from emotions or if this is normal for neurotypical as well as people on the spectrum in these combat situations. As I read more on autism, I'm sure I'm on the spectrum. Have not been formally diagnosed yet.
I have all types of alexithymia issues mentioned in the video. I am not able to recognise that I have emotion until my stomach is so upset, and I do not know what words to describe my feeling, so I need to go through emotional cards and pick the word best describe my feeling. I also have delayed emotional response. Just got my diagnosis early this year and now everything makes sense. Thank you for the video.
I feel it all in my stomach. Lots of 5hings are like amorphous, grey, blob in my middle. Uncomfortable and unidentifiable. Sigh. Thank you for this video, I understand better now.
The really amazing part of it is how emotional and physical distress are so similarly processed by the brain... having developed a possibly pathologically strong tolerance for emotional suffering, I've found that I also have an obscenely high tolerance for physical discomfort. A couple examples... a toothache that by the time it became unbearable, had grown to a an abscess in my maxillary bone about the size of a US dime. Or a broken foot that took a month to diagnose because the podiatrist "couldn't believe someone with a broken foot could walk in here wearing flip-flops". Or the finding that the other foot had a bone that had previously broken - completely unknown - and healed separated. Or that ordeal leading to the realization that the pain was almost identical to a hand injury 10-12 years prior that went untreated but must have also been a broken bone. Or the fact that it has to be dangerously cold (freezing wind, rain, snow, blizzard) to be uncomfortable enough to need a jacket. People get really weirded out when it's 35 F with a gentle breeze and I'm out in jeans and a short sleeve sportshirt.
But yeah, the constant emotional distress... its not just current conditions... it's having the sums of all prior situations still alive in some kind of permanence. Not every every word spoken or every day lived being at ready recall but more like key events in life never more than a passing thought away from become a nearly real presence. Maybe that's part of alexithymia... the "loudness" of those prior events being on par with or maybe even drowning out the present. Or at least, so much toil to contain those things that incoming signals start getting muted through the developmental years... I don't know. What I do know, it's exhausting.
I’m neuro-spicey and my therapist recognised straight away I have alexithymia. I do not feel emotions physically below the neck, I’ve had to learn how to feel my emotions from the electrical/warmth/tingling sensation in my head and slowly build up a catalogue of where certain emotions live. EG, anger is above eyebrow over left eye. Alexithymia for me was a choice in childhood to help me dissociate from the extreme suffering
I have a child with autism. Turns out I have a ton of symptoms myself now that my kid is older and I have to learn about my kids autism as a teen. Looking back through my life it feels obvious. Not having a diagnosis has impacted my life deeply. I'm diagnosed with c-ptsd as well. A life of stimming, deep feeling, sensory overload, texture aversions making me want to peel my skin off makes sense now.
I wonder if borderline personality disorder is what happens when certain people with autism have trauma. I grew up in a cult and ended up with that diagnosis too.
Thanks for your content. It's helping me understand not only my kid, but myself.
This issue was horrible when I was unaware of it. Now it can be an advantage. I definitely prefer to have the emotions later in safety than around the wrong people.
This all describes me perfectly. Coincidentally, earlier today I was just trying to think about how I expressed myself when I was a child when I was angry and I realized that I was shoving a lot of those emotions down, mostly because I wasn’t able to pinpoint why I was upset, and therefore didn’t/couldn’t express myself. I’ve also always had a lot of trouble expressing my feelings verbally, so I turn to other methods like art and music. I’m still watching the video and more stuff continues to resonate with me. Thank you for making this video
This is the most wonderful video! It is sooooo well presented and explained. Thank you.
Thank you Orion.... this was a topic i knew very little about. I enjoy your videos.❤ I was diagnosed with ASD just 2 years ago. Since then my grandson had also been diagnosed.
Synesthethesia,
or the color-presentations of sound can help expressions of emotions.
I’d like to copy and embroider the emotion chart in expressive colors. Match musical phrases to those feelings in memorable contexts.
Ok, yes, I am working in a historical folk drama. Selecting musical themes for scenes. Voicing the characters. So this clicks. Finally.
Thank you.