Anyone experiencing this after becoming aware of their FA attachement style ; when you meet a person, you can't trust your emtions, you don't know if you don't like them because they aren't the one, or because od your fear of intimacy. When I lost intrest, I kept gaslighting my own self, I didn't know if it's about me or about the other person
This is definitely a big factor in my current relationship. In spite of it being the healthiest, most loving relationship I've ever been in, even with all the love, I still yearn for perfection and struggle with showing vulnerability and expressing my needs. When my partner doesn't behave how I expected from him, it definitely messes me up. My partner's so good for me (and I consider him near-perfect for me), but of course he's *not* perfect... he's only human, and he's his own person I'm projecting my desires onto. Yes, in the end, we need to be there for ourselves. Thank you, Paulien 💖
I lost my ex a month ago because I always felt I could do better. I broke up with her and 3 weeks after, I switched to my anxious side and wanted her back and she had moved on to a rebound. I self sabotaged. I feel this so much. I'm doing your tapping every morning for the past week and a half and put myself in therapy after finding out in a fearful avoidant. Thank you for videos 🙏🏻
Spot on! I’m a fearful avoidant when it comes to finally someone giving me the love I deserve. But sometimes my body shuts down and wants to push the person away because I want that perfect person. The person to take away all my issues and make me feel a certain high, just like drugs or alcohol. But I know this is all in my head. I make a gratitude list of why the person next to me is special and what she brings to the table, as opposed to someone I think is the one (who is normally unavailable emotionally). It takes time and effort but I know good habits will form. And I know love doesn’t always have to be a high. It can have its normal moments or just blah moments. But I know deep down my partner means a lot to me. Love is a practice, a choice. Not just a feeling.
Thanks for sharing that man - needed to hear that from a FA today as I am going through a lot of this. Dealing with intense emotional pain and trauma from the past that makes me want to run from this pain and fear. My partner, she is amazing, loves me the way I deserve, and I am finally appreciated for who I am. Still, my mind and this pain is thinking that the grass is greener on the other side when I know deep down how much I love and care for her and it is reciprocated by her. This all got triggered after conflict and I struggle with conflict.
@@Bonzmae FA’s who are unaware of their own stuff will keep living in pain and stress. You can tell him he has those tendencies but he will live in his own denial until he realizes it once it’s too late.
@@PardeepBains10 hang in there! Sometimes in order to get out of the woods, we have to go through them. I used to be in those storms and it can be VERY hard. What helped me is to know that I am a FA yet I deserve love. Be patient with yourself. We tend to run away easily for something “better” when it’s just a fantasy. Slowly your mind and feelings start to evolve, and your fears and anxieties dissipate, realizing who you have in front of you and how important you are.
I used to feel like many years ago. It's a great escape but leads nowhere really. It's like imagining the solution to your internal issues will come from the outside. That's a myth. Once I decided to take accountability for everything I feel, do and experience, life became so much more clear, empowering and enjoyable.
I noticed this in myself around a year ago, but I still struggle in my relationship, striving for perfection. I realized I wanted a perfect partner, because if a perfect partner wanted me, that means I am perfect too. Which comes from my childhood where I felt that my mother wanted a perfect daughter, she wanted me in her terms and boxes, and would criticize me and control too much. But when I imagined that perfect partner, I wouldn't know what to do with them. And yes, I would fear I would lose them because they could do better than me. Such a pitfall. I also heard that fantasizing about that is a form of self regulation, it's an escape because we don't have better tools to regulate our uncomfortable emotions like pain, loneliness, anxiety... You said so much that opened my eyes even more, and helped me feel better with myself and my relationship. Thank you! 🌸
Girl I am so glad I found you. I kept side eyeing my phone because everything is just too accurate. The "wanting to get whisked away" by the right person, the extreme perfectionism, the seeing yourself as a bad person. For so long I knew there was something "off" about the way I viewed relationships & the fear I felt. I purposefully stay single (6 years now) out of fear, but I want to heal so badly. I found my people, thank you for your videos❤
This gets to the fundamental truth I've learned this year: There isn't a mythical other person who will "complete me" and meet all of my needs, instead I AM that person with the capacity to meet my own needs for myself. Thank you!
I can’t even begin to explain the impact your videos made in my life. I’m forever grateful I found your content! Thank you so so so so much! Sending you so much love and good energies! Love from Brazil! Xx 💚
It’s absolutely normal to be terrified to lose a loved one, be it a parent, a sibling, a child, a husband or a wife… what kind of argument is that? People, and especially partners, are absolutely not interchangeable. Getting them to be interchangeable and to not be scared of losing a partner is borderline psychopathic
I just don't want to hurt anyone ever again, even if I have to spend my entire life on a deserted island, which I am doing anyway, inside my head. I know how much pain it has caused me, I don't want to pass it on.
Hey man, I'm in this thought process all the time. What helped me is the south park episode where butters calls Kyle a bitxh. A synopsis is that there are ups and downs in life, got to accept the good with the bad; we all love you
I have just stumbled across your page and OMG. I always thought I was an anxious avoidant until now. This all seems so hard I feel like I’m never going to break out of the cycle - the boredom in relationships o and the ick with the NEED TO BREAKUP. While I know it’s not my fault I am this way I know it’s my responsibility to heal but gosh it’s so tough
Paulien, you know me. I followed your course and did lots of other therapy too. I'm 90% healed of FA. But this video was so accurate. I've been wondering why I have to find this one special person. Your video was very emotionally and logically convincing that the one person that I'm searching for is ME. Thanks a million for all that you do!
Thank you Paulien. I just came across your channel after finally finding out my attachment style. I've been yearning for the one for a while now. Watching this video literally had me in tears, especially the bit at the start about the pain. Everything you said was spot on. I felt seen, and not crazy. Now I'm starting to understand myself better, I feel like I can now start to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and hopefully have a healthy relationship in the future. I was so scared to potentially cause someone else pain, like was done to me. Now I have some hope.
Can we also talk about how we ca. be the “ONE” for others because of our hyper vigilance we can sometimes anticipate our partner’s needs and comfort them in the ways that we wish to be comforted making us addictive partners lol
Yes, the perfectionism… are fearful avoidants the most perfectionist of all attachment styles? When you said the word: intensity, it resonated so much. Craving intensity used to be a big one… and that is just an invitation to dysfunction. I also have periods of intense body dysmorphia. I would love your input on this one. Seems like it’s closely related to “perfectionism” 🤔
This was my ex gf 100%. When we met, I was diving into a career and a new job that had me work at least 70+ hours/week. After a year and a half I became stressed and anxious but couldn’t quit because the money was too good. I never seemed to have the energy to always be present, but I tried. She only expressed her needs once or twice but I always made the healthy change. After I had a panic attack and car accident due to the anxiety and stress, she left. It was my sign to quit. Now tried to spend more time with her but she felt smothered. Said she didn’t feel secure. The 5 months leading up to that was event, she completely shut down and after we talked about a future and marriage together. It was weird to feel her shut down one week after that conversation… as much as I listened, tried to get her to open up and feel safe to express her needs and emotions, she never could. She killed her own attraction and saw the first opportunity to leave and took it.
How did you decide that your partner was right for you? I am 9 years into a relationship in twice I've lost all feelings. I feel like I would ruin his life if this continues, or someone else's if I move on. I dread forever but with only him did i ever think of marriage and having family. I am super independent and scared of exposing myself. I feel like a shell of a person. I have ROCD too I think.
Anyone experiencing this after becoming aware of their FA attachement style ; when you meet a person, you can't trust your emtions, you don't know if you don't like them because they aren't the one, or because od your fear of intimacy. When I lost intrest, I kept gaslighting my own self, I didn't know if it's about me or about the other person
This is definitely a big factor in my current relationship. In spite of it being the healthiest, most loving relationship I've ever been in, even with all the love, I still yearn for perfection and struggle with showing vulnerability and expressing my needs. When my partner doesn't behave how I expected from him, it definitely messes me up. My partner's so good for me (and I consider him near-perfect for me), but of course he's *not* perfect... he's only human, and he's his own person I'm projecting my desires onto. Yes, in the end, we need to be there for ourselves. Thank you, Paulien 💖
I lost my ex a month ago because I always felt I could do better. I broke up with her and 3 weeks after, I switched to my anxious side and wanted her back and she had moved on to a rebound. I self sabotaged. I feel this so much. I'm doing your tapping every morning for the past week and a half and put myself in therapy after finding out in a fearful avoidant. Thank you for videos 🙏🏻
How are you now?
🌹
Spot on! I’m a fearful avoidant when it comes to finally someone giving me the love I deserve. But sometimes my body shuts down and wants to push the person away because I want that perfect person. The person to take away all my issues and make me feel a certain high, just like drugs or alcohol. But I know this is all in my head. I make a gratitude list of why the person next to me is special and what she brings to the table, as opposed to someone I think is the one (who is normally unavailable emotionally). It takes time and effort but I know good habits will form. And I know love doesn’t always have to be a high. It can have its normal moments or just blah moments. But I know deep down my partner means a lot to me. Love is a practice, a choice. Not just a feeling.
My FA gave up on me for the search of his "the one". I informed him about attachment styles but he never listen. I have to let him go.
Thanks for sharing that man - needed to hear that from a FA today as I am going through a lot of this. Dealing with intense emotional pain and trauma from the past that makes me want to run from this pain and fear. My partner, she is amazing, loves me the way I deserve, and I am finally appreciated for who I am. Still, my mind and this pain is thinking that the grass is greener on the other side when I know deep down how much I love and care for her and it is reciprocated by her. This all got triggered after conflict and I struggle with conflict.
@@Bonzmae FA’s who are unaware of their own stuff will keep living in pain and stress. You can tell him he has those tendencies but he will live in his own denial until he realizes it once it’s too late.
@@PardeepBains10 hang in there! Sometimes in order to get out of the woods, we have to go through them. I used to be in those storms and it can be VERY hard. What helped me is to know that I am a FA yet I deserve love. Be patient with yourself. We tend to run away easily for something “better” when it’s just a fantasy. Slowly your mind and feelings start to evolve, and your fears and anxieties dissipate, realizing who you have in front of you and how important you are.
@@rocwilder85 I appreciate the words man!
I used to feel like many years ago. It's a great escape but leads nowhere really. It's like imagining the solution to your internal issues will come from the outside. That's a myth. Once I decided to take accountability for everything I feel, do and experience, life became so much more clear, empowering and enjoyable.
Thank you for this. I’ve never heard the fear of hurting someone articulated this way and it is exactly how I feel. This video is so helpful.
So happy to hear this! Thank you for being here♥
I noticed this in myself around a year ago, but I still struggle in my relationship, striving for perfection. I realized I wanted a perfect partner, because if a perfect partner wanted me, that means I am perfect too. Which comes from my childhood where I felt that my mother wanted a perfect daughter, she wanted me in her terms and boxes, and would criticize me and control too much. But when I imagined that perfect partner, I wouldn't know what to do with them. And yes, I would fear I would lose them because they could do better than me. Such a pitfall. I also heard that fantasizing about that is a form of self regulation, it's an escape because we don't have better tools to regulate our uncomfortable emotions like pain, loneliness, anxiety... You said so much that opened my eyes even more, and helped me feel better with myself and my relationship. Thank you! 🌸
Girl I am so glad I found you. I kept side eyeing my phone because everything is just too accurate. The "wanting to get whisked away" by the right person, the extreme perfectionism, the seeing yourself as a bad person. For so long I knew there was something "off" about the way I viewed relationships & the fear I felt. I purposefully stay single (6 years now) out of fear, but I want to heal so badly. I found my people, thank you for your videos❤
This gets to the fundamental truth I've learned this year: There isn't a mythical other person who will "complete me" and meet all of my needs, instead I AM that person with the capacity to meet my own needs for myself. Thank you!
Thank you for being here❤
I can’t even begin to explain the impact your videos made in my life. I’m forever grateful I found your content! Thank you so so so so much! Sending you so much love and good energies! Love from Brazil! Xx 💚
It’s absolutely normal to be terrified to lose a loved one, be it a parent, a sibling, a child, a husband or a wife… what kind of argument is that? People, and especially partners, are absolutely not interchangeable. Getting them to be interchangeable and to not be scared of losing a partner is borderline psychopathic
I just don't want to hurt anyone ever again, even if I have to spend my entire life on a deserted island, which I am doing anyway, inside my head. I know how much pain it has caused me, I don't want to pass it on.
Hey man, I'm in this thought process all the time. What helped me is the south park episode where butters calls Kyle a bitxh. A synopsis is that there are ups and downs in life, got to accept the good with the bad; we all love you
I have just stumbled across your page and OMG. I always thought I was an anxious avoidant until now. This all seems so hard I feel like I’m never going to break out of the cycle - the boredom in relationships o and the ick with the NEED TO BREAKUP. While I know it’s not my fault I am this way I know it’s my responsibility to heal but gosh it’s so tough
Happy to have you here and there is definitely to learn to let get go of doubt!❤
Paulien, you know me. I followed your course and did lots of other therapy too. I'm 90% healed of FA. But this video was so accurate. I've been wondering why I have to find this one special person. Your video was very emotionally and logically convincing that the one person that I'm searching for is ME. Thanks a million for all that you do!
Tiger! I'm so happy to hear! And I'm so happy you are here, as always :)
What kind of therapy did you do?
Thank you Paulien. I just came across your channel after finally finding out my attachment style. I've been yearning for the one for a while now. Watching this video literally had me in tears, especially the bit at the start about the pain. Everything you said was spot on. I felt seen, and not crazy. Now I'm starting to understand myself better, I feel like I can now start to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and hopefully have a healthy relationship in the future. I was so scared to potentially cause someone else pain, like was done to me. Now I have some hope.
Can we also talk about how we ca. be the “ONE” for others because of our hyper vigilance we can sometimes anticipate our partner’s needs and comfort them in the ways that we wish to be comforted making us addictive partners lol
Yes, the perfectionism… are fearful avoidants the most perfectionist of all attachment styles? When you said the word: intensity, it resonated so much. Craving intensity used to be a big one… and that is just an invitation to dysfunction. I also have periods of intense body dysmorphia. I would love your input on this one. Seems like it’s closely related to “perfectionism” 🤔
This is so unbelievably helpful thank you eternally 😋🙏🏻💖
Happy to have you here!
This was my ex gf 100%. When we met, I was diving into a career and a new job that had me work at least 70+ hours/week. After a year and a half I became stressed and anxious but couldn’t quit because the money was too good. I never seemed to have the energy to always be present, but I tried. She only expressed her needs once or twice but I always made the healthy change. After I had a panic attack and car accident due to the anxiety and stress, she left. It was my sign to quit. Now tried to spend more time with her but she felt smothered. Said she didn’t feel secure. The 5 months leading up to that was event, she completely shut down and after we talked about a future and marriage together. It was weird to feel her shut down one week after that conversation… as much as I listened, tried to get her to open up and feel safe to express her needs and emotions, she never could. She killed her own attraction and saw the first opportunity to leave and took it.
Could you please share more about your happy moments in the relationships despite the worry because of FA. What made you stay?
Nice question! I will look into this for a video!
How did you decide that your partner was right for you? I am 9 years into a relationship in twice I've lost all feelings. I feel like I would ruin his life if this continues, or someone else's if I move on. I dread forever but with only him did i ever think of marriage and having family. I am super independent and scared of exposing myself. I feel like a shell of a person. I have ROCD too I think.