Thoughts At 30 / Catching Up
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- Опубліковано 17 гру 2023
- Me on Twitch ► / beckiejbrown
►IG: / beckiejbrown
►My Art: / artybeckie
►Kayaking Life: / beckiepaddles
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►www.paypal.me/beckiejbrown
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Business contact:
►beckiejbrown@gmail.com
Filmed in October 2023 at age 30
Hey:
This video was recorded before my AskBeckie and also was supposed to go up first (can you tell) :D.
I also had a duplicate video go public over the weekend by accident (identical to the last upload on here), so apologies for the confusion. x
I have been watching you since I was 13 and just want to say thank you for all of your content over the years
Me too! The photo a day videos
Me too
There was a really good post I saw once from someone who had a chronic illness who said they didn’t want someone to hold their good days against them. As in, every day does not look like this, but there are some people who have… we’re going to call it really bad object permanence. They see you happy, and think you can’t possibly be unwell. They see you moving around, and think you can’t possibly be chronically ill.
Yeah, I mean I get it to a certain level. I've known people who have made up their difficulties and others where it's valid. Depends what the struggle is to start with. I get angry as I can't plan anything, or it's something to factor in. I can fluctuate so much in 24 hours and I'm overwhelmed by it. When I'm well for a period (a few days in a row), I'm told that I can appear manic... when in reality, my migraines usually slow me down, brain wise and physical wise. That's me if I was normal me :(. Wish I was elements of that all the time
From someone across the pond with an entirely different life, thank you for posting. I feel like I wait around, muddling through bad days, putting on appearances, until I hit a good day, and then it's gone... It's so disappointing.
I've come to think recently that maybe it's not me, that these limitations are 'normal' for me, and all the external expectations are 'not normal' rather than the other way around. I guess it's like that analogy of rating a fish by its ability to climb a tree. Gabor Mate's "The Myth of Normal' really helped me condense these thoughts.
I also hold onto the quote from Mr. Rodgers in tough times: "I like you just the way you are." A lot of days, I don't like myself, but maybe it's changing a little bit. I hope you find some similar hope.
Thanks again for showing on-and-off for about a decade, that there's someone like me out there. I'm proud of you for being yourself.
Thank you for the recommendation and quote there - @@Lazuriteplays
Been following you for nearly 15 years and I'm genuinely extremely happy that you found a path, a way, through all the shit and struggles. You are such a strong kind human being and learning about your neurodivergency makes so much sense as I have suspected it quite a couple of times. Now speaking about personas and the whole inability to showcase your true self and all, it's a learning curve of it own, you're figuring yourself out with the current stage of things and your diagnosis, you don't owe us anything per say but you also can take time to show more of you during the next months, years and so on. As long as you experience life behind the scenes it's OK I think to embrace the little burst of joy and wellbeing in that online window even if it's not representative of who you are 90% of the time. I would encourage you to even enjoy those moments without filming them, just take it in and keep trying to figure things out. I only started living at 30 too and you have no idea how much things can change and how insanely different things can be within a year or two. I'm 36 now and I'm quite the happiest I have ever been :)
You still got time, you'll get there
I’ve watched you for a long long time. Love the growth. Life is like a set of waves.
I’ve watched your channel since I was 11. I’m now 24 and I’ve never related to anyone more. I’ve struggled with my mental health and Trich as well as realising only in the last couple of years that I have ADHD and it has a massive impact on my life and I mask all the time. Thank you for bringing authenticity, vulnerability and comfort to your viewers, including myself ❤ have a happy new year x
Lovely hearing from you as always. It's great to hear that some things are getting better for you over time - it's a long journey. I hope that you do find time to rest now and then; rest is so important. I know sometimes it can feel like if you stop moving everything will just crash; and while there's some elements of truth to that (that's the unmasking journey, in some senses), resting on your own terms is usually better than resting because you have to. But anyway. Thanks for sharing.
As someone wiser than I once said "In life's grand theatre, we often don masks, not just to conceal, but to reveal the many roles we bravely play"
Hey sweetpea I've followed since your tfios review video and I'm so proud of how far you’ve come and every day is an achievement ❤ masked/unmasked, well/unwell, each day is something to be proud of and we're rooting for you
My mask fell off 6 years ago, and I’m still grieving the masked self I used to be. Only got on a waitlist for diagnosis last year. I haven’t been able to work for the last 3 years. I think the idea of work needs to be reimagined. I wish there was a neurodivergent employment agency where you don’t have to talk to anybody or do interviews. You just get an assignment by email and get paid for the day.
i’ve missed you. so glad to come across your page again
Great vlog. I always look for, and look forward to, your posts. You have been my meat & grog for 15 yrs. Keep it up. Luv ya.
I'm in the same situation. I need to rekindle my joy for being creative, having fun and being my hyperactive self. Spent far too long appeasing other people and the notion of 'being normal' too tired now. However I just fear it's gone.
Yup I totally get that
Dr. Beckie; I just want to thank you so much for all your vid’s over the years. I know it’s hard for you to open up to your viewers, for not only do they help you to move forward, but they help so many people who don’t know where to turn to.
Thank you so much.
i feel completely the same -21 years from berlin.. i’ve watched and binched your content the first time when i was 13 but stopped when life came across once more
i’ve just randomly came across your account again and seeing you sum up my past 5-10 years that i’ve been unable to really progress in life or even gather my own thoughts really made me think where i wanna be in my life 12 months as of now
looking back i feel like i’ve just wasted so many of my beautiful years in life and just now i begin to realise that i’ve got no time to waste anymore
it’s so easy for me to get distracted and to not get anything done during the day sometimes weeks or months every year feeling the same but someday everyone gotta start his journey to becoming an adult person
wish you all the best of luck for your future
greetings m.bln
Great stuff, newfound insight and wisdom, keep going whether offline or online
I love video like these. Your videos feel like a warm hug.
I really appreciate your videos. I've been watching your channel from the almost the beginning and I was recently diagnosed with Audhd. I relate so much to you and now I know why. 💜 Always excited to see you in my recent uploads 💜
I'm proud of you! and wish I could also have a job and see my progress in life...
That's where I was in 2020. I don't think I'll have a career again, I'm past that - I just need money to live I suppose. But things can happen. For me when I was stuck there, there was no way out. I'd never have thought I'd be here back then.
It's not the whole 'things will get better, cheer up', but truthfully we just don't know. Don't hold yourself down
💜💜 you are always so open, honest, and inspiring 💜
I enjoyed this so much ♡ its so nice to hear about your experiences unmasking, I hope you can find other neurodivergent friends and supports, I know this helped me a lot ^^
I think I’ve been around for 8 years now, and I’ve definitely noticed progress. From one neurodivergent cleaning up their life to another, the journey is hard, but it is so worth it. I reached my lowest low before my highest high. I see nothing but good signs in this video.
I’m just going to say what helped me along, in case anyone finds it helpful. Take or leave whatever you think might work for you.
After who I thought I was shattered and my authentic self started taking back control, I dedicated a lot of energy into getting properly diagnosed and finding effective treatment. I found I was getting better, but I wasn’t satisfied with my life or who I was at that point. I still had so many questions, so many missing pieces of the puzzle. For answers, I turned to philosophy and introspection. With those tools, I found a lot of who I am, what I want, and why I want it. The why of something is key. It provides clarity. To start off, ask yourself what you’re doing aligns with your values and if it ultimately matters in the grand scheme of things. Embrace the strange things in your life that lead to inner peace. Lead with curiosity and open mindedness when these questions bring fear to the surface. I know that was a bit of a monologue, but I swear, the more you know about yourself, the easier you can move through this chaotic life.
Also, that dress is incredible! I know the internet can be mean, but just like our crazy world, there are reasonable people here trying to get better. You don’t owe the internet any part of yourself, but it’s nice to see what you do share.
A job I'm unwell in 😄 I can relate so much 😊
It is always fascinating to me that every time I check up on the person that I first subscribed too back in college 13 or so years ago, along with the check she does an update video. Not that I mind, that is literally the point of checking up on... yeah, regardless I'm glad Beckie0 is doing better and better.
Hi Rebecca, I’ve been following you for over 10 years. I remember when you were trying to work out what was wrong, I kept suggesting BPD to you as that was what I was diagnosed with. In the end, I now have a diagnosis of ADHD and I’m awaiting an autism screening/diagnosis. Following your journey for so long, I always felt like I could understand you and relate. I am so glad you now have a diagnosis and an understanding of your neurodivergent self. You’ve come such a long way. I do miss your vlogs but your mental health and safety come first before the internet. It was good to “see” you again on UA-cam.
Quite simply sending you love. Hang in there. There's alot of people love you out there! X
I still enjoy your content very much, it’s nice to listen to you talk ^^
I hope you don't mind me expressing myself here.
I think I have been masking so often that I have lost who I really am. As it is the time of year when I tend reminisce, I'm scared to open the boxes of stuff from my childhood, it is too overwhelming to be reminded of the Amazing childhood I had.
Anyway, I still treasure those paintings I bought from you Years ago and the Thank You notes you wrote on the business cards! 🤗❤️
Love you!!! Love your vids!!!
I always thought I was behind in life compared to others like I was going along at 40mph and everyone else was going along at 70. But you don't know what's up ahead others might have a car breakdown or maybe your going the scenic route. Basically some people might rush to be married but then realise years down the line it's not the right relationship for them. Or we're all going to different destinations and that's okay.
I always felt bad because I don't want a high flying corporate job. I just want enough so that I can have a garden of some sorts even if its just a little one on a balcony.
ahahaha "it looks like I have a Dementor behind me" ... love the reference as well as the increase in YT videos you feel like sharing these days! 💕
I am 35, have rarely taken a sick day and not been out of work for 13 years but I still rent. You must be doing something right!
Living with autism means spending a lot of time confused and frightened - particularly related to emotions you don’t quite understand and relationships you can’t quite manage.
It feels easier to give up, to stop trying to pursue the life you want, the one that exists in your imagination.
Autistic people want the same thing that Neurotypical people want: love and connection.
Keep reaching and don’t give up, Rebecca. The insights you have won over these many years on this channel are yours to keep and add to your life tool box. Take care.
❤
I had been following your channel for a long while. Just feeling you are my old friend, although you know nothing about me. Just make yourself comfortable. You deserve to be loved. And you are always good enough. We meet difficulties in life. Some bigger some smaller some more urgent. For some of the deeper one which cannot be sloved for the moment. You can always just put it aside. And maybe someday you found you are a different person and that no longer border you anymore. And then many more stuffs are coming 😂 you also have people willing to support you ❤ i am 43 now. After 40, suddenly i understand a lot of things, and i need to admit there are many things i cannot do anymore and i hv to surrender.
I relate so much to what you said, so thanks as always for sharing. On the topic of unmasking, a book that has been quite literally life-changing for me is Unmasking Autism, by Devon Price. So I don't know if u know it but I highly recommend it 💜
I missed these videos I forgot I grew up watching your channel.
Thank you
Love your chair! 👍
You got me to laugh a couple of times and that's a good thing.
We all wear masks. And we wear different masks for different people.
The best thing I can think to say is:
be well. :-)
Beautiful dress!!!
Nice pyjama combo 😆
P.S. I admire you so much!
The first video of yours I watched was a doctor who vid, I think you were 15 at the time, I knew then you were an amazing filmmaker and you could do anything else you wanted to do
Thank you Rebecca
Hey, I've followed you online since about 2010/2011. I feel like I moved off your content and felt like you'd changed - you had been masking! I just want to say that what made me like you and made me want to watch you, was your vulnerability and artistic way of expressing yourself in videos and media. Your neurodivergency is what actually drew me to you - it was raw and what nobody else was posting and I understood you, and felt like you were experiencing the same version of life I was, that nobody else seemed to be experiencing.
So I just wanted to tell you that your real unmasked self is good. And people like you for you, not just the fully masked you. :). Happy Christmas, be yourself. ❤
Anyone who stayed through 2015-2016 needs a medal. There was oddness before hand, like the pressure in Trich-land.... but 2015-2016 - That period was me in intense masking mode. One video example of me being odd was a UA-camrs birthday party... or another video where I talked about a cosmetic company's winter products. I didn't enjoy it at all and knew work would make remarks when I went in, even if it was for "fun" outside it. That was me in stressful mode trying to do something that wasn't good for me at all. I hyperfocused on something I loved that became work and it made me miserable... felt pressured to continue it on as worried about work...
Yeah, I was more my unmasked self before Graduation. Soon as I graduated, I found I couldn't be odd in the adult world without severe consequences (2015). When we can't earn, then everything falls apart. At least in 2015, if I couldn't function in a workplace, my YT was pulling in, income on it's own. For years now, there has been little fall back. That need to earn controls everything. Can't be open and honest whilst trying to feed ourselves.
When there is financial security, we can unmask I suppose. My financial life has changed the last three years and work-life is more stable (never thought I'd still be as I am this long). So finding I can be more open and relax knowing I can pay the bills and more. That's meant feeling more able to be me... or what I feel more comfortable as.
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People go through stages too, which is why tiktok is addictive, we connect to themes and not to people themselves. People change and interests change. I know I've disconnected with so many people I grew up watching as they've all gone through the partner/engagement/marriages/children/anniversary stages. I have absolutely nothing to relate to. When someone's feed suddenly goes from a hobby/theme to babies.... It's jolting and somethings feels like the end of an era (or a new one we just don't connect with). It's okay to connect but also disconnect - no pressure to stay. Obviously difference between hating someone and just not sharing same passions is not the same
being in a fairly similar situation but a little bit older i feel seen, pardon the overused expression. your videos are always comforting☕
I appreciate that! Thank you. I know the feeling where it's the other way around with other creators. Tiktok has made me feel seen in lots of ways.
Masking has given me the ability to have a somewhat decent life. If I acted like I actually felt, I would spend my time out in the world never talking to, making eye contact with or going anywhere near other humans. That’s the real me, the one that wants to run away. I don’t want to change that, I like being on my own, alone is my happy place. My mask gives me options and opportunities, it’s a good thing. 😊
So gorgeous 😍
Watched you since like 2013 !
Thank i loved that
I am scared to open about myself in my country. It is too small. It seems everyone knows everyone and it feels clostrophobic to speak too much about yourself. I admire that everything seems more simple in your country at this point ✌🌸☀️
I'm not sure where you are from, but relate via digital space. The whole internet is full of the people from the world, but everyone is finable now. Originally, we didn't have the capabilities to track people down, unless super boring names or known URLS. So whilst I'm vlogging to the world, I feel finable. That's hard. No advise there. Some people change their names etc, but everything gets found out in the end.
Good Morning Beautiful. Have a safe and blessed day
Rebecca I always thought of you as a friend but didn’t want to bother with commenting about it because it might be uncomfortable to hear it from a stranger on the internet. As I said before, I'm a more silent viewer. But I support your journey and appreciate whether you want to show a glimpse of it on camera or not. I agree that the internet can be a dangerous place. How much you share is always up to you. Take care of your boundaries. So no matter what, I hear you.
I've always seen the internet like a friend in some form. I generally have communicated with the internet far more than humans it feels sometimes. I know the feeling the other way round and it's hard isn't it? When we connect with people who don't even know us or we follow for years and yet it's not a connection both ways. I've had a few creators like that.
I still struggle with boundaries and it's been enlightening going through older content after diagnosis. I've been nervous to do so. I certainly have overshared in places I'm shocked by. E.g. just basic things like being honest where I found something, or getting a discount or how I feel about abc. Now I'm like, oh my, you Autistic-Rebecca you, BE CAREFUL
Why do you need permission? A diagnosis is a formal name for something you already know. Why do you need it on paper before you can deal with fallout?
It's a whole topic inside and outside of communities. We are cut off without diagnosis. I could write an essay to the above. Regardless of what 'people' think, from a healthcare perspective, it is CRUCIAL.
Even how we are treated by hospitals/doctors. E.g. still being forced onto antidepressants to treat depression, when it's Autistic Burnout and ADHD. We can't attain medications without support either, so as someone who has been asking to try medication in that sphere for a few years now, I'm years away from that. And who knows, there might be no medication to access then either with how things are.
Up to a certain point, self diagnosis is what we need to get the ball rolling, there comes a stage where it's vital to have that validation officially. If we don't have diagnosis then anyone can say it too. Even if people struggle, we aren't all ASD/ADHD.
Thats your Twitch chair...?
It is indeeeeeedddd :D. I mean, my computer chair all around, but thats what I'm in when I twitch :D
"Life is what happens to you while you are making plans" a known saying that applies to about everyone. You don't need to be neurod divergent for that. I stubled on your channel again after maybe some 10 years?. You seem to think,talk and question about yourself a lot. I guess that is a good thing in trying to grow or heal. Have you ever wondered why after all these years you still have the urge to share all this in videos to the world?
Find a husband, start a family, and read the Bible. All the talk is a waste of everyone's time along with your hobbies. You'll only properly grow more doing that and then you can go back to time-wasting hobbies later.
Oh lord! Is it 1950 again?? That will surely help!
You go get a hobby. Sounds like you need a few!
@beckiejbrown I’ve never commented on your videos and I’ve been around for quite some time now. Let me just tell you how incredible you are and how much proud you make me even though we are complete strangers. 🤍 I hope this doesn’t sound creepy.
Also, note to (your)self - we ALL are a mess sometimes. More often than not. And it is OK to be a mess. That being said I have to repeat that I am so so proud of you and you inspire me to be my better self even though I might be a decade older than you. When I listen to you I feel seen and validated. And it reminds me to be appreciative of the little things I accomplished. Fellow migraine and non diagnosed ADHD person here. 🙋♀️
PS: Hope this message comes across as intended, I am not a native speaker so I am sorry for any mistakes. 😇
It is okay to be a mess
❤