What is even more painful is that when you stand up for yourself, you are portrayed as the problem. Literally, my sibling and I could be yelling at each other, but my mom would reprimand me or make me out to be the problem. It's sickening, especially when this scenarios are repetitive and become worse with time, but your need for protection is overlooked.
To admit they (the siblings) had treated you badly would be to admit their flaws; and if they are narcissists themselves this will never happen. The scapegoat is used by all to regulate their dysfunctional emotions. I have a simple boundary I use with everyone now- ‘if I don’t feel valued and respected by you, you do not get the privilege of my company ‘
Surviving an abusive family would be so much easier to do with siblings on your side. But of course, it rarely works out that way. I’ve had to go no contact with both of my “brothers” who have treated me like trash since the day I was born. Our mother is dead and there is just no reason to continue subjecting myself to their crap. Complete strangers have been kinder to me in life than anyone in my own family. Unless you’ve lived through it, there is no way to explain the pain of it to other people.
“Explaining the pain to others”…you are so right. I’ve hurt for decades not being able to explain the pain of scapegoat in a dysfunctional family, but also the pain of covert emotional abuse from my spouse. Because people can’t “see” what goes wrong - what is happening, they doubt. No one ever made me feel like I was a crazy person, but quizzical facial expressions tell me everything.
@@kritikaroy5058And the narcissist is always respectful kind to strangers.. others outside 🤔soo..doing that they betray themselves! Their huge false mask..🧐
@@lesliemontagne6797 yes, perhaps we attract spouses who revel in watching us squirm as we agonize over our mistreatment from family. Instead of being supportive, they poke and provoke us into a worse emotional state, by suggesting we brought this on ourselves, or we need to get over it. Which results in dysregulation that rarely settles down for us. What hell.
You are so right. First I thought my brother was the one who understood what we went through as children. Until I had to realize, he's become an abuser himself. I'm very low contact with no contact in the future.
I’m in the process of NC with my narcissistic family. Although I’m more successful than they could ever be, they have used me as their punching bag. I’m done.
But do you do when they pass away? Do you go to a wake and see them all there so they can talk about you. I was going to go to my sister's wake even though we hadn't spoken in over 10 yrs. but I would have felt very uncomfortable after what they've all put me through and now I feel very guilty but they can't hate me anymore then they already do.
I am happy to see it works, it has not been a year yet. They are after my grandchildren and my son. They still see them. It breaks my heart my heart. I feel even more like a scapegoat. 😢
The abuse went off the charts when the parents died. I went through a living Hell. No contact is now permanent. The family imploded and some of them later turned on each other. Best to walk away and never look back.
Same here. Really confusing why it escalated. At one point they were threatening to hold the funeral without me (they just had to wait a week for me to return from a pre-scheduled business trip abroad). Unbelievable rudeness. I am now reducing contact to the absolute minimum including not attending any Christmas get together. Just can’t cope with gossip, disrespect and insults any more.
My brother died suddenly and learned shocking rudeness, abandonment, blame is what other siblings offer. I thought death might sober them and awaken to appreciate family members. Thoughts of parents leaving this Earth now contain horror of what then. 🙏🏽🫣
My mum died when I was 26 & I’m now 32 in the darkest hole of depression because I thought parents gone would result in reflection. But the most unbearable abuse came after and I can’t stop hurting
if you’re the family scapegoat, consider yourself lucky, because you are. it is the number one sign that you’re the normal one. these folks are mentally unwell and tho they’ll never see nor acknowledge it, everyone else does. they’re jealous and the behaviors of ostracizing and rejection ultimately are for your survival and well being. you’ll watch from afar as it all plays out to your good. ain’t gd great!
@@EMVelez In cases where people ask me about my family, I simply say that were not a very close family and that everyone has their own lives now that we’re adults. Then I redirect the question to them, “How about you? How is life with you?” And besides, if they keep prodding about it, then whoever is asking is toxic and just looking for something to gossip about. Also, don’t share all the details, keep it sweet and succinct. Before I left my family, I always thought people who cut off their family is shameful but for as long as I didn’t know they cut them off, I never thought negatively them. Therefore, don’t overshare and besides it’s no one else’s business but yours so just keep it vague and redirect. Good luck.
Everly: YES. We have been endowed a gift. The gift of seeing the toxicity and choosing not to engage with it. It’s a miracle families like this produce normal and healthy people.
@@renzlo9747 Scapegoats go on to live very good lives too…it depends how one defines life…in all honesty I was making less than 50k/yr for 5 years until I said enough is enough with this bs. I made sacrifices, went back to school and received a professional designation, after which my income tripled since and has quadrupled now. It takes time and effort and belief in oneself. But that was my definition of a good life, for some it means having a family, for others it means living in the moment and travelling everywhere, for some it is a quiet and simple life, for others it means building 7-8 figure businesses, and for others they’re literally just happy sitting behind a simple desk answering phone calls. Living well is to your definition. The toxic family planted a definition for you that you might not actually agree with. Maybe it’s time to define what living well for you means instead of comparing yourself to others today, compare yourself to yesterday. Sometimes the right answers are the simplest ones. Take care.
My parent is simmering with contempt for me. Not once did she intervene to protect me from family violence. Even as adults my siblings have violent rages. She stands and watches. She calls it sibling rivalry which is so insulting when she’s watched you being trapped in a corner & spat on. I worked back to her being the ring leader.
They not only don't protect us from violence or trauma, they actively participate in it, or set us up to be abused by others. This is so they can justify their own mistreatment of us. They remove protectors. They force us, through lies, manipulation, coercion, brainwashing, or if all else fails, force, to be with people who mistreat us and deny people who would be or are good to us. It's sinister. These people are minions of evil. This sets us up to be unable to recognize danger from safety. In honesty, Danger WAS Safe, and vice-versa....meaning, dating / befriending dangerous people kept us safe in our childhood and youth from the abuser; they don't have to expend so much energy if we are being abused in our personal relationships outside of our homes. Whereas, people safe for our psyches and bodies put us in danger at home. Raised in a narcissistic homes makes everything is upside down and inside out. It's like discovering that the orange's peel has been put on inside out, and as adults in recovery, we have to peel it carefully then attempt to put it back on the right way.
The back and forth of being nice and then not so nice is one of the hardest things. I feel crazy when that happens and try to forget everything that’s happened--and then the not so nice comes back and it’s painful all over again. It’s feels like such emotional whiplash. I don’t want to go no contact at all. It’s not something I celebrate or ever want to celebrate, but I feel like if I don’t, my soul will die.
Thank you so much for this video . I found you last week and actually wept as I could finally put a name on me as a member of an abusive family . This year I am in no contact with any of my family as I was ostracised by everyone after telling my mother a few home truths .. everyone ...everyone.. in the family rejected me ... very painful . I am very grateful to have been guided to your videos . Thank you ❤️
Welcome. I understand how you feel implicitly. It's such a wonderful feeling to finally find understanding, validation and a name for what it is you have been living through. God bless you. The Grieving is the hardest part. But you will make it through. You will even when you don't think you will you will. And there's many of us out here who are rooting for you. Hold on. You will heal. You'll make it through. We are promised that. Much love. 💞
I know the feeling & it will get easier, but it will always be painful. It’s a horrible truth to endure, but when you realize it’s healthier to be free of their abuse & embrace the wonderful you ❤️ Don’t let those who don’t deserve you upset you 🙏
What has happened is I have been on my own for over 20 years. Alienated children are dying in the captivity of diabetic coma when their captors were diabetics themselves. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around that one.
I concur - it really helps to put a name to this, and on us as individuals in these untenable situations. I am also now no contact with everybody- distant and closely related, and all their connections that they have poisoned and spread lies to. It’s tough but it’s starting to get better, much better - in part thanks to all the info available like this. Good luck to you - you’re not alone ❤️
I have lived this as the scapegoat. Lots of words to fully explain. My solution has been to find a new family, go no contact and low contact. Respect myself and don’t beg or expect anything from an abusive family.
Where do you find a new family? I've been no contact over 3 decades and still alone. That's not from not trying, it's a misconception that's sold to estranged people, that we will somehow find a replacement family. Nobody cares if your family didn't you're not part of their family so why would they?
@@bobbysgirl8365 your new family can be if you marry someone. Hopefully the spouses family treats you better. Your friends can be like family. Co workers etc. I always had a very small family. Ptettty much just my dad , mom , 2 sisters. My mom disowned her entire family in her 20s. So I only seen her one sister once ( after my dad died ) but for some reason my mom never talked to her again and both her sis passed and her mom ) so I really nrver knew anyone on moms side of family. My dad was 15 years older then my mom. All of his brothers and sisters were way older and many of them passed and all of my dads side of family lived out of state so I never really knew any of them either. I’m now in NC with my mom and older sis. That leaves me with one blood relative that I know. My SO and his parents and two brothers are my real family. I am still very close to my one sis. I don’t think going NC with my mom and older sis will affect my relationship with her. I do think we will always remain close. Me and my younger sis have very similar stories of how our older sis was to us but our experiences with our mom is completely diff bc I am the scapegoat. My sis is the golden child rhat never does anything wrong. Even outsides notices how differently my mom treats me versus how she treats her other two kids. I’m def not crazy thinking I’m treated terribly by my mom. Your family isn’t always blood !
@@bobbysgirl8365right. Nobody in this world will ever love you and be so loyal like youre own familie, if you have the luck of a good one. There isnt another family waiting. Even if you have the family of youre partner, it exists just so long how the relationship lasts. Then they also will never act like family again. They stay so long like youre husband, then leave, because youre not their blood. Nothing is so strong like the own family, another one will never be like youre own. I think we must acceppt to NEVER ever have a family...
My narcissist sibling started with sibling rivalry when I was a child. He was jealous of me from the day I was born. He turned all my aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and tried to turn my father against me. I can't have a relationship with any of them and never will.
This is why, IMO it's so d**** hard to even wake up to the realization that you HAVE been abused. Because everyone around you treats you like it's normal. They tell you "You had a good life," and in my case, being the youngest, "You were spoiled!"
Ditto as well. As the youngest, I was supposedly “spoiled”. Really? To this day, I’m ignored in a group with the siblings, they don’t even include me. My Father ,deceased, always said my Mother spoiled me as well, & would treat me like crap. My Mother was NUTS, an isolater, addicted to Valium. She seemed to like me when I was a cute little kid, but as soon as the pre-teen years hit, WOW! I couldn’t do anything right, and she hated every friend I had. My Sister would love humiliating me in front of the others, & to this day, still gossips about me, since I don’t bother to speak to my brothers anymore-one of them blocked my number. They were cruel & very toxic. It’s no wonder I got addicted to opioids when I went through a traumatic divorce. It now gave them an excuse to really look down on me, since our Parents were deceased & I now needed help, & none of them wanted me around. I’m clean now, and I just consider myself someone with no family.
…“They’re all in on it”.. wow, that’s really hit a cord with me as it’s so true . My sibling I feel is managed to “tolerate” me to an extent. But it always felt like walking on eggshells . Recently, in the middle of a perfectly normally conversation, sue lost it and started screaming in my face . I sat there just completely shell shocked, she screamed about how l “wind people up” …when I hadn’t done a thing . As l watched her scream and loose control l was back in my child body as my mum screamed at me In exactly the same way. She was my mum in that moment. It all clicked into place. She indeed was “in on it”, and had seen me as the “problem” all along . My mothers years of lies and manipulation had worked a treat, I’d never felt so alone.
Yes I also was shocked how my Golden Child sister has become a worse version of my narcissistic cold blooded mother following our mother’s passing…I expected the opposite. Pure fantasy. Not wasting any time walking away. I’m not reliving that abuse.
OMG, I had a very similar experience with one sibling and that is exactly when the scapegoating and lies began. I can trace it to that exact moment. It was intolerable to this person that I witnessed her snapping, and from then on I had to be excommunicated. She never spoke to me again from that day on, and began manipulating my other 2 siblings to ostracize me.
These comments are so validating to me! I wish I had found people like you who understand sooner. I was 57 years old when I finally realized that I was in a narcissistic family. I am 66 now. Recovery is taking a long time.
My sisters called me ugly and deserved to die.they told me I am below their standards and in public they never show they know me. At home they made me feel invisible.and my mom always told me to shut up.
There are no boundaries in dysfunctional families and relationships - that is so important to acknowledge, thank you for this ❤ No more wasting of life energy in trying to set them
After the passing of the parent, who owned a house, my two adult siblings hijacked the estate. I never knew a thing about it, since I lived a few states away. They moved to Florida. I had found out from someone contacting me. I never imagined they were capable of something like that. I was the skapegoat since childhood and it never changed. This dysfunction carries well into adulthood and never ends.
That's hideous behavior. Same thing happened to me. (I just posted a comment about it.) I've read that in homes where "there wasn't enough love to go around," it's common for narc siblings to manipulate to get sole control of the estate.
I’m one of five children. One of the reasons it was tough to go no contact was because I was attached to some of my siblings. My sisters were obvious abusers. My brothers straddled the fence and pretended to be my friend, but never did anything to stop the abuse. Once I discovered my siblings needed me to be the SG in order to protect themselves, that’s when I knew it was a lifelong dynamic. Nothing was going to change, even during adulthood.
Thank you for posting this video. It’s true they don’t change. My sister stopped by for a one night visit. To note, I moved across the country away from my family. The night of her visit she “acted” very friendly, but later that night I felt like I couldn’t breathe, felt anxiety and couldn’t sleep that night. Beforehand I had done a lot of deep cleaning for days in preparation for her visit, and also took them out to dinner. The next morning, I heard her talking about me on the phone to another sister then quickly said she’ll have to call them back. She is in her mid 50s, the other sister is 60. It’s true that they really don’t change. The patterning is way too deep and ingrained. Also my other sister who used to visit won’t return calls or text. There’s Cptsd that remains to this day.
Five years no contact with my entire family (narc mother) father died many years ago. Abuse got worse when he died. I was blamed for all the dysfunction. I only have contact with one nephew and his family (he is a psychologist). NM died 18 months ago, I didn't go to funeral, one brother reached out after I went NC but he did all the mothers dirty work but never apologised for his abuse. Wasn't interested. I'm happily married and although it's crushingly sad I moved on, with therapy and learning everything I know about narcissism.
I'm so glad you have found some peace Suzanne ....our stories are very similar....I am mid 60s now and still suffer daily, as you say it is crushingly sad....I wish you all the very best....
Thank you. It was incredibly difficult for the first 8 months then I started to get better physically and mentally. I still have bad days but thankfully they are few and far between.
One place I got stuck on my road to recovery was understanding that, like me, my siblings were also vulnerable children. They were given a very poor example indeed, such that the bullying, scapegoating, and entitled demands continued decades into adulthood. No matter how many times I'd patch them up after our mother's gobsmacking behaviour, they'd inevitably ostracize me again and go cozying up to her (they're still hoping for inheritance). Even when half my siblings themselves identified me as the family scapegoat, their unconscious habitual behaviours persisted. When I began to hold them accountable, began to call them out directly, not one could bother to examine themself and endeavour to change. I'm glad what happened to me didn't happen to them. I don't wish that on anyone, least of all people I love (as I do all my siblings). I can't change them, but I can change myself. The biggest heartbreaker is, when I clearly state that I will no longer tolerate abuse of any variety (I've had to hang up the phone many times after clearly asserting a boundary), they don't seem bothered at all to have no relationship with me whatsoever. Like our mother, there's no interest if I don't agree to being a punching bag. I'm disappointed in the weak moral character of my siblings. I understand that they were traumatized by witnessing my abuse and by abusing me out of a twisted survival mechanism. They are not children anymore, however. If I can face, figure out, and recover from being the primary target, I have no respect for anyone who is too weak or lazy to do that once or twice removed. I'd welcome a healthy relationship with any family member. Until such time as someone demonstrates a similar objective, I will not be chasing after or pining for them. I'm quite certain that they all know that is on them. As we age and they encounter various health crises, opportunity presents to try to hoover me back in. I ask where they were when I needed help, and tell them that I can no longer afford to invest in non-reciprocal relationships. I have many times demonstrated that I know how and have been a good sibling. They have demonstrated the opposite. There's nothing there for me in that but pain and disappointment. I have stopped confirming that they are good people. They're not.
Listen, scapegoat r pick because they r the least capable of acting wrong to anyone. Ur sibilings were more like them. They originally were not that good of people. Of course, they were hurt too, but that doesn't make them good people or victims to the mistreatment they do on others.
" You can't survive without us" For years they whispered to her "you can't withstand the storm." Until one day she whispered back "I am the storm." That is the day you are strong enough to walk away.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with your clients as well as your personal experiences. It makes me feel better, less lonely. ❤ And your advice sounds reasonable. Thank you so much.
I hope that I someday understand how my younger brother became a sociopath. We had the absolutely best parents, so kind and generous, smart and savvy. We all knew my brother was selfish and self-centered but he usually hid his narcissism well. My parents were baffled and hurt when he’d neglect them and cause problems. As soon as my mother started to die he was in like a dirty shirt for the money. He kept me from my mother as much as possible, turned the nurses at the retirement home against me, tried hard to turn our father against me. I had to get a lawyer to protect our father. He even withheld medicine from our dying father. My brother managed to turn the extended family against me - and these are actually lovely people - but my brother is extremely convincing and I live on another continent. I had PTSD from the experience for over a year. He turned my nieces and nephews against me. I didn’t only lose my parents, I lost my entire extended family. No contact forever.
Sorry you had to endure this!! God will vindicate you when you trust in him!! I'm glad you found peace and have a good family that supports and loves you!!!
We all live in the same small town. I have 2 daughters, and I have a niece and nephew. We’re all so enmeshed, but I absolutely do not fit in and am smeared by the parent, sibling and in law. I’m desperate to move away as we’re all in top of each other, and being the scapegoat, I’m a bit trapped. It’s a narcissistic family cult. I thought I got on with my sister, but am realising she’s just an enabler and flying monkey. Taking back information about me. I’ve healed somewhat, but listening to you Mary gives me so much hope. Thank you ♥️xx
A narcisstic cult. That really resonated with me. I called my sisters flying monkeys though. I went nc long ago. After 14 years, my eldest sister got in touch. If I was the scape goat, she was the invisible one. Once I left, my mother and the sociopathic golden child turned on her. We never really got along, she quickly fell back into old ways. I always felt tolerated. When ever I said I wasn't sure I needed her in my life, she would cry. 2 years ago, she died of cancer. I was the only one to cry over her death. To this day, I don't know if I did the right thing.
I really feel for my nieces and nephews. I know which ones are the scapegoats and my heart breaks for them, but I just don't see what I can do. I have to protect myself and my children from this whole system. I hope and pray that someday I'll be able to help my nieces and nephews as adults. I'm sure they'll be told so many lies about me just like I was told about the scapegoats in the generations before me. I have to focus on healing myself and my children. The fact that we've escaped this abusive generational family trauma gives me so much hope for the future.
As a child this would have helped me, if any distant relative had quietly privately found some way to let me know that they cared about me and wanted to know if anytjing bad happened to me
@@janasmith2463 I was always very sweet to the scapegoated kids in the family. But at this point, I've made my escape and I can't be in contact for my own sanity. I do hope that someday I'll get to talk to them as adults and help them
I feel the end. I was suddenly blocked from my niece and her brother neve got the chance to know me. It's so sad but I feel helpless to protect them too. I don't call thier mother or our abusive parent.
My mother is 97 and won't die. She has spread lies about me all my life to cover for the abuse she perpetrated on me. I have to say my allegiance was always to my younger brother who was also abused.
It can be hard to believe how bad it is at first. I made excuses for them, I was in denial as to how cruel these people really are. Are these really the people I grew up with? That I loved? It is very confusing at first, but I had to accept reality. Not wanting to lose my niece and nephews had me hangjng in there longer than was good for me. It's not possible to maintain ties with anyone in such a toxic system, even the innocent bystanders. You bring such clarity to this topic and just how difficult accepting it is. I never really considered being trauma bonded to siblings but wow, of course this is what is going on. We all grew up together in an abusive environment, but the real insight to me was realizing that each sibling had a different experience from mine, even in the same home and environment. This helped me understand that we are different. We are different in how we experienced and dealt with our own trauma. I have worked hard to process my trauma and ground myself in reality. I realized they couldn't. It definitely took me a long time to gain this perspective, but then everything made sense. I realized the relationships I did have with them were superficial. It was clear to me that they are unhappy people behind the facade. And it was kind of a shock to see that they lacked empathy. My mother was the model for this. She could fake it but it wasn’t really there. And as a child we have to accept these delusions that a parent is loving and caring, but as you grow up you really have to see that none of this is true. I do feel like the fortunate one. I would not want to be in their miserable shoes. A light bulb went off for me when I started to hear my mother's vitriol coming out of my closest sibling's mouth. I almost had an out of body experience, Generational trauma and abuse demonstrated as clear as day. I am lucky that they have left me alone. Out of state, which is a relief.
My siblings sends the police to my home for a wellness check knowing I smoke pot. I am 60 and I don't feel safe with them having my address. BTW I have moved away over 40 years ago.
They called the guards on me too knowing I smoked pot ..this happened over a year ago .I've since given up the pot ..it was trauma bonding me to a narc ex ..
I went no contact 34 years ago and it was the single best decision I have ever made in my life. The truth is, they need their sadism fix, and if they can continue to harvest off you they will do so until you are gone. And, in fact, even after you leave they will continue to try to seek you out and hate you and insult you because they just can't imagine doing without your pain to fuel their days. It took me about 12 years and several cease and desist letters, but they finally backed off.
Thank you for this relatable video. There is so little advice and help for those of us who had cold, rejecting siblings. Most online help revolves around extreme abuse by parents and spouses. There is not much help for those of us healing from sibling abuse or from more insidious, hidden, passive-agressive, emotional parental abuse. It takes so long to stop doubting oneself. The hardwiring to minimize it is very strong. I still struggle with this.
There's myself and 2 sisters. We all have been the scapegoat. The difference is that I have been there for my sisters and understood how they were feeling. Now I am the scapegoat again, and they don't care how I feel. My one sister is the queen bee right now and loves it. Why would she want me back in the click? That means she might get knocked down to scapegoat, and she doesn't want that. I made the decision that I am done with this toxicity, and I have gone no contact. The cycle will continue if I decide to stay, so why stay. My mental health is more important, and being true to me is more important. I will end this cycle and hope that my sons don't pass this on to their families. I would rather take one for the team to give future generations a better family.
Well done Mary, another very truthful video from a person who truly understands the pain this total nonsense causes. Went totally no contact with my elder sister last week. She is the last to go, for various reasons. The relief I feel is phenomenal - I wish I had done it years and years ago in my 20's. I loved her because she was my sister but I finally acknowledged to myself I never LIKED her ever. I did it by text, told her some home truths but was not nasty, that's her job, not mine. I set boundaries which she disrespected. I gave her a year to change but she just got worse and worse, proving my theory she was a narc. The breakthrough came when I mirrored her behaviour. Not my MO, very much hers but had to be done. The effect has been sensational. She is so angry! Lol. Now I am stronger I just find the narcs ( whole family) very entertaining. They are all slightly different and operate on different levels but bizarrely all behave the same behaviour patterns. Now I have cracked the code I can move forward. Letting go of the fantasy then entering full on grief for my nephews and nieces nearly killed me. But, I survived by taking it one second at at time, sometimes not good ( to say the least) other times slightly easier. I am no totally no contact now and even though there is a lot of residue and work to be done, I notice the stronger I get the weaker they become. For all of you out there going through this nightmare consider the alternative ... you could spend time with them and let them make you feel bad as they always have done OR you can walk away, shrug your shoulders and say, I'm done. Their loss. It has taken the most phenomenal amount of anguish to get to this point, at one time I felt insanity or suicide was the only choice, that's how low I became. It was Bad, but slowly I got through it, as did Mary who is a shining example it can be done. And the ones left in our wake are jealous! and that pleases my soul. To all of you out there in the darkness, keep going, its worth it.
That’s the painful thing for me. The only thing keeping holding on to my sister, is my poor, sweet nieces. They deserve better. I feel like I’m leaving them behind, and it’s so painful. She’s repeating the cycle with her daughters. I pray for them everyday, when I pray for myself. It’s very hard.
I have been returning their serve over the past few years, treating them with as much contempt and ostracism as they have treated me. And I am not holding back, if pressed. I never initiate contact but respond in kind accordingly if they contact me. Ie with as much coldness or friendliness as they give me. I make excuses to not see them too. I am a mirror. I We need to bully the bullies, they then step down and leave you alone and find another vulnerable target. Throw it right back, I say. Gaslight them, confuse them, make empty promises, fake it, be indifferent to them...they deserve it. Assume they will be horrible and betray you. Never expect anything different now you know...I call out narcissistic personality disorder on public figures and ppl we know...they leave me alone mostly now, which is the best thing for me
Hi Mary. Glad you are on the path to healing and no contact for 4 years. It does get lonely not having a genuine loving family around at this time of year, but as much as it hurts. Id rather be lonely then continue to be in their toxic environment. At least we scapegoats can chat and validate each other which our family never do. I too am the scapegoat. My narc overt dad who was both physically and mentally abusive to me growing up, died 2 years ago, and you are right,.... The siblings got worse. I'm 40 years old now and by doing alot of healing i began to notice and realise after all these years that my mother is a narc too but a covert type. It took me my whole life and the last two Christmas s ago to realise this. When my dad died, i was relieved and a sense of life came back to me. I started standing up for myself. Thats when i started looking up narcissistic abuse videos on youtube as my sisters were always mean to me and showed alot of hatred towards me. I never did anything wrong but i was always the different one and very talented too. They hated it. Last two Christmas's ago i had a word with my mother. I said to her that now my asshole dad is dead, you finally have the opportunity to be the better parent and get us kids all together and talking once again. You see, my mum also hated my dad. He was physically abusive to her too. I was the oldest child and only boy. I saw most of the abuse taking place in the home. Funny how my mum complained and played victim to the outside world for many years but never devorced him until i finally moved out of the family home. Anyway, what happened that same Christmas after having the discussion with my mother infront of my missus and her new boyfriend (who is a very decent respectful guy btw), its started to dawn on me from her expressions during the chat compared to my girlfriends and my mothers new boyfriends. It's almost as if she felt i was uncovering her mask and she didn't like it. That night when the boyfriend had to leave and do something, my mother became a different person. She started throwing suttle digs here and there to me and my lady. Ive known my mum to never show empathy for me growing up when ever I've been upset or needed her for something, but i never would have guessed she was a narc because she never physically abused me. That night, i cracked and went into a defensive outburst of rage and stuck up for me and my missus. I said alot of truths that night and she flipped it back on me and kicked me out the house. From that day i valued my life and my lovely girlfriend and went no contact for the 2 years. Funny thing is, although the smear campaigns will go around about me being the bad one.... its funny how shes the one trying to hoover and make contact. Lol I already got some nasty texts from my siblings, in which I just blanked them. Sorry for long messege. I just poored my heart and story out to you. I felt lonely yesterday thinking about the good family i do not have / wish i had but we will all eventually get over it. Us scapegoats are strong.
I've spent the last 4 Christmases alone, and I have to tell you, there are worse things, by far! At least I get to spend the day in peace and quiet, eat what I want, and enjoy me own company!
When I was in my first marriage, it went bad quickly. They didn't like him at first, but then accepted him. He knew I had problems with my family, which is really why I left with him. Only he was actually worse than my parents. But when all you know is poor behavior towards you, you can't see anything else of being worthy. Anyways, when we were in the process of splitting up, my ex would call my house and talk to my mother. Or call her at work saying I was doing all kinds of things. She believed him. Even scolded me about the way I was treating him. Mind you, I was living halfway across the country from them. In a rare moment, my older sister actually defended me to my father. In another rare moment, he stood up for me on one of the times my ex called the house to complain about me. He never called my house again, but would call my mother at work instead. After the divorce, alone in a city by myself, my mother called me, knowing I had no one to spend Christmas with, and told me that I didn't have to come home for Christmas. It was ok. She was willing to let her daughter stay alone for Christmas so that she didn't have to tell the family I was divorced. (First one to happen). And in another rare moment, my ex gave me money to buy a plane ticket to go home because he didn't want to see me spending the holiday alone. I should have kept the money, gone no contact with my family, and never looked back. I guess that I always just wanted to be accepted by my family. But it will never happen. No matter how much I try to fit what they want. It will never work. Makes me feel very sad and quite often guilty for not talking to them. I haven't spoken to anyone in my immediate family in about 3 months now. I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon either.
I was the scapegoat of 5 siblings BUT 2 other than myself also experienced being the scapegoat which can complecate how to understand this roll especially if it was interchangeable with siblings....Sometimes I was the golden child....the invisible one....along with everything inbetween. So it's not always one size fits all.
I sent my closest brother a video on scapegoating. He told me I’m sick and go get help by a professional not UA-cam. It’s funny i can’t recall doing anything to any of them but be there when I needed them.
I sent my sister a video in narc mothers, she basically gaslit me return. I don’t think my sister is capable of even beginning to understand what toxic abuse I go through as the scapegoat
Mine insist on keeping me in their group chats so they can actively ignore my input. Figured that out and after graciously asking to be removed I was attacked and ridiculed. It really highlighted what was going on. So glad I finally saw it. My mom, cluster B personality, is dying. I’m the oldest daughter and will do what is right by my values to honor and help her. I will stand tall with my behavior but after she passes I expect I’ll never see the three of them again, by my choice.
I like that how slow you talk, not rushing, breathing properly.. most of us with traumatic upbringing rush our words, don't breathe properly, feel like we are making others wait for us.
Hi Mary. I was forced to give to my beloved family a ZERO contact. Some people were more dangerous than others but the zero contact was applied to all in order to void triangulation. Is being couples years that I walked away and I feel much better this days.
I'm in my 40's. I became the more obvious scapegoat after my father died in 2020. Both my parents have/had narcissistic traits. Before Dad died my parents were co-dependant. After dad died my mother became even more toxic. When I put boundaries in place to protect myself and my kids, my three siblings got sucked into my mother's drama and turned against me, telling me I was selfish. My brother was the worst and became verbally abusive. I decided to go no contact before things got worse and I broke down. It has been almost two years now. I feel a lot of doubt and guilt, worry that it's all in my head and I'm the 'bad' heartless one. But I also feel so very free. No one has reached out to me to hear my side of the story as my mother's hold over them is so strong.
We’re in the exact same situation and age. I felt bad for a while until I truly accepted the abuse. I took time off work to really work on myself and to increase my knowledge on the subject. I read a handful of books and did the suggested exercises that felt right for me. I don’t have kids nor a partner so I have more time to do this. Honestly my formal cut off journey has only been 6 months but I am lucky to have the time and I am feeling less guilty and authentically protective of myself. Also I cut off a bunch of people that were toxic and am building a great relationship with myself. Remember to make time for yourself and to use it wisely. Intend to heal and you will. I am rooting for you. Books I recommend: Pete Walker’s CPTSD book, Dr Nedra Glover Tawab’s Bounderies book, Codependent No More, Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child, M Scott Peck’s People of the Lie and many others as recommended by other UA-camrs too like Jerry Wise or other family systems experts.
My brother and i were abused by my narcissistic mother. At some point we were best friends, but then my mother brainwashed him and turned him against me. He has been scapegoating me ever since.
Just in time for the holidays … it hurts they hate me and I don’t know why. I am the youngest of three daughters. I’m the only one who didn’t have children. They don’t invite me places and they say it’s because it’s for the kids only. I love my nieces more than anything. They bond and talk non stop and never reach out to me. I’m on disability and living alone. My cat just passed away who was my world and my one sister didn’t say a I’m sorry or anything. I just suffer alone in this condo. I do have friends mostly online who I am grateful for. It still hurts when your own family rejects you. So much heart break. I told my sister I’m disabled and she said “no you’re not disabled stop.” Like anyone would want to be disabled. I wish I could be different and not suffer with depression and panic attacks. They used to physically abuse me growing up. Typical sister fighting but I was smaller than them and just accepted it. Sadly I’m terrified of women now. 😢
Thank you Mary, this video is so helpful. What I have found is that no one understands this dynamic unless they are in it and it feels good that you have created this community. My older sister has taken on the appalling role of bully, victim, manipulator since my father died six years ago. She has so much entitlement within the large family dynamic, everyone puts her on a pedestal and she loves it. She even had "Queen" tattooed on her hand. I have been completely ostracised and it has been a very painful untangling for me. I am so happy to be out of the dynamic and see that I held on for years. I felt so angry, misunderstood, confused and terrified. These people will never change, never say never but I feel there is just no way she would look at her behaviour and her husband massages it all and makes her worse as well as every other family member. He is a narc. The whole family are narcs to be honest. This time of year can feel tricky of course. A big chunk of the family are all going abroad together for Christmas next week and I have felt strong unjust feelings but also know that I am so glad that I am not part of it. This healing path has been tough for sure but day by day I feel so much relief not having to be in that dysfunction. I had to let go of my nieces and nephews too. My sister got so jealous that I had a good relationship with them. I realised that she is riddled with jealousy. She betrayed me by marrying an ex partner of mine who she disliked for treating me poorly, as well as asking my best friend to be her bridesmaid at the time. That`s how sick it was. She also copies my language and takes on my experiences as her own. It is quite scary to be honest. I imagine myself being her and am so thankful that I am not. She is quite unwell now too. The behaviour is absolutely appalling. I have carved a good life for myself now, a loving partner and some lovely loyal and lovely natured friends. I am so grateful to be free of that dynamic. Wishing everyone on here the best, you can get free and you can carve a healthy loving life for yourself. So much love to all that have had to endure this internal pain at times. I walk with you. Zoe xxx ❤
Thank you! This gives me so much hope. I’m working on radical acceptance. I realize that my siblings have taken everything good about me and projected it onto themselves while at the same time unloading who they really are onto me. They do not see me. They only see everything they do not like about themselves.
Zoe, I find also that people who aren't experiencing this don't understand it. I've tried to explain it to a couple of good friends and they've told me that it just siblings being siblings. They just don't get it. Interesting that your sister takes on your life experiences as her own. Mine does the same thing. Does it trigger you when she doe this, because it does me. While I do keep my sisters at a distance, I am not no contact because I don't want to create alot of drama for my older brother who really wasn't part of scapegoating. I do not have a partner, so that makes things difficult some of the time, but overall I am happy. Take care and have a happy holiday!
I remember being at a craft fair and was selling things I had made. My elder sister came along and decided to sit at the table I had rented. A lady said that the things I had made were lovely and thinking it was my sister who had made them told her her that. To my utter disbelief my sister said in a creepy childlike voice “ oh thank you”. My sister did not know how to make metal jewellery but was happy to believe that she had made it. My biggest regret in life, is not moving abroad and getting away from my dysfunctional family when I was a young girl.
I am so grateful that you stumbled into my life. I met you somehow on Facebook. I'm not even sure how that happened. You have articulated and validated everything that I've gone through these past few years. This has been so incredibly healing for me. There's no doubt in my mind that you have gone through this. Thank you for doing the work. Thank you for showing up in my life. Thank you for making these videos. I have been in counseling on and off for decades. Again just recently. None of them get this. Not one. Thank you again. I can't thank you enough for showing up in my life. This journey I've done mostly alone. But I see now God always gave me exactly what I needed. So here we are. Validation, validation, validation. The pieces are finally coming together and I do see now finally, perhaps for the first time the strength, the wisdom, the profound Independence that God place in my life to give me the strength to walk away from these horrible, vile, hatefilled hosts, decades ago before I really even knew what was going on. I just knew they were toxic and that I was tired of being their garbage can and their punching bag. Thank you. You have shown up in my life exactly when I needed you. Truly amazing how that has happened. People and things have appeared seeming randomly many times along this journey. Eventually you come to realize there is nothing random about it . God's hand is at work providing you exactly what you need at every twist and turn in this journey . Not only this healing journey but this journey called life . Once again, thank you, thank you, thank you!! 💞
AND it's good to know that you are NOT alone. There is a vast community of people who have suffered at the hands of these "people," and that's where you'll find your validation.
Mary, watching this video tonight, was just what I needed. Every time, I am pondering reaching out to my family of origin, you put out a video, that reminds me why I am safer and happier without them. Thank you. It's a validating reminder that I must let go of the fantasy that my family of origin can be kind, and treat me with civility, dignity or respect. And that, just because they have had their rare, good moments, doesn't mean they can sustain being "nice" for longer than an hour at a time. What happens when one of the two parents passes? For me, the scapegoating behavior went into overdrive. As if, I, living more than hundreds of miles away, had anything to do with my father's death. There were so many personal boundaries crossed, it would read like a bad soap opera script. The den of vipers I was born into, the extended family members and friends, who rallied around my mom and sibling - who tossed gasoline onto the ongoing fire of a smear campaign - all showed their true colors, once again. Stepping out of that abusive cycle was one of the hardest things I have done. It's taken a lot of therapy to realize that I no longer have to "reward, normalize, or excuse" bad behavior.
I am now scapegoated by the main scapegoat. I'm in my 40s. I started to become a scapegoat in my 30s when I spoke out but then age about 35 my father died and I became the main scapegoat and my oldest sister, the main scapegoat as kids, scapegoats me. I have No Contact but I see her social media posts. Which are crazy, very revealing. Lots of accusations towards me, running me down, thats im punishing them, nastiness, then the next post is how hurt they all are, how they miss me and for me to reach out.
HI Rebecca, Thank you for sharing. I feel it is similar to my experience with my sister, accept my sister does it cunningly, plays the victim, tells everyone how bad I am and whispers all around the family and our home town. I blocked nearly all of my family and anyone who is on her team from all of my Social Media and wow I wish I`d done it sooner. It feels so good to have done that. Love to you x
My sister does the same thing in email. One message is that I'm a horrible theif user sociopath. The next message is its been too long since we've seen eachother we miss you so much. It's so crazy.
@@amberinthemist7912 yep. Mine posts accusations on her fb. Ie I've deserted my kids, though they played a role in that estrangement! and despite my kids being late 20s and early 30's! It's mental stuff.
Such a great video, Mary. My brother blindsided me with a profound, epic betrayal over money when our dad died. I was so loving and steadfast to him all of our lives. Now I wouldn’t give him a drop of water in hell.
We can never have an ally in a sibling because as you rightly say Mary, they will turn the tables on us and tell us we cussed our parent’s behaviour. I made the mistake of broacking my childhood with a sibling, l don’t know what l must have been thinking but I was told “she did her best” “she didn’t k ow what to do with you”…”she had a bad childhood “, l sat in shock listening to her justify all of our mothers behaviour. She seemed dead behind the eyes to me. My mother had set the stage decades ago and cast me as the villain, I would never be anything but that to my sister
Thank you so much, Mary. 🥰 I had just begun to understand narcissistic family dynamics from a couple of other channels, but YOU have brought my understanding full circle. Indeed, knowledge is power. I have proceeded with NO contact with my siblings, and am relieved.
Wow, your story sounds just like mine. I severed ties in 2018, no parents living and walked away and left the siblings, the cousins and a large group of friends who I thought were friends but they really weren’t. They were just carrying on the same family sg dynamic. I still attract that same dynamic but at least I know the warning, signs of dismissiveness and ghosting and gaslighting and then their promises to be different but they get worse while wearing a smile. Least I now know the early warning signs and can just get out and door slam quickly. Sometimes I just don’t think there’s any reason to have a conversation with these people because they know what they’re doing. That’s the hook that keeps us tethered to them is they pretend not to know what they’re doing and blame it on us and tell us we’re too sensitive and we believe them and then they continue to treat us even worse. It’s a disgusting dynamic and I hope someday it could be criminalized especially in families to a little three-year-old who just wants love and to fit in.
I agree with u about it becoming criminalized…it should be…they have full intent to cause their victims harm in any way possible…what is required to constitute a crime is the intent….they have caused harm to another person with full intention to do so…it fits all requirements leading up to what’s considered a crime
Thank You Mary. Although I have been no-contact for a long time it is still easy to get triggered this time of year. You are a realist (thankfully so am I now), but I still remember the emotional turmoil that used to eat me up. Your community will be a life-line for so many. 💛
You are right. It does get lonely this time of year. Almost pulls us back into that toxic routine of self-blame etc. Only been fully No Contact from all family members for 2 years now and every now and then, you get a sense of loneliness from not having a genuine family. Mary seems to have done double the time in no contact then myself and I'm so proud of her for starting a channel to talk about these issues.
@@wonderfulwardy I agree that it's great that Mary is doing a great thing. Two years fully no contact is still early days Charlie. What a great help it is for you to have found yourself here. I look forward to getting to know you & moving forward with yourself & others here. 💛
@@Maibluemchen12 This of course Jeri, says nothing about you as a child (or adult) but it speaks volumes about the lack of conscious parening from the care-givers around you. There is a huge insensitivity from them and a lack of awareness of your needs as a Child. Inner Child work can be very healing. Learning to re-parent myself has been a game-changer for me. That Child we have within us that didn't get its needs met can be nurtured & understood by us. This breaks the toxicity & unmet needs we endured back then. Our future can be so much better than our painful past. 💙
Wow, you certainly covered a lot. Yes, I watch my nephews, sadly observing. I did hope for change. Visited for Thanksgiving, and left earlier than I had intended...self care! Thank you. I think I can just accept the limits now... give up fantasy of togetherness. They are sargents in my parents army. As the scapegoat I actually am given the ability to "escape". Ironic.
I spent two weeks in the recovery position in bed during sorting my mum’s house with my golden child sister after mum died. I have had a lot of realisations over the last few years about my family, especially my sister and my mother, but the sister dynamic has been incredibly hurtful and damaging and difficult to get my head around. I think I have found this video at just the right time because she is pretending to be nice to me again at the moment. I know it won’t last and I think it’s because she is floundering without her eternal cheerleader and enabler even though she had no empathy for mum when she was dying at all, mum propped her up and enabled her in so many ways. My sister admits I was the scapegoat and said she went along with it when we were kids because she was frightened of being treated like me- yet she has abused me in the same way and continues to. It’s the inconsistency in how they treat you that is utterly disabling and confusing isn’t it
Oh my goodness this is PERFECT for me to listen to. So much validation 👏🏻 I told my therapist yesterday that my older brother (who is a therapist) that him and I were trauma bonded... and that is all. He is the golden child and I have always been the scapegoat. What an eye opener.
I have been the scapegoat and bullied my whole life with the narcissists. I am a very lovely person who never was accepted, loved and cherished. There was also an element of religion with them that I did not share although I am a very spiritual person. They lied about me, connived behind my back with secrets and just destroyed whatever I had. It is still painful so many years later. Their jealousy was like an odor and their resentment like a mental volcano. I was isolated, abandoned and punished. The siblings were abusefully toxic yet their blaming and shaming was constant. I have no contact, so I lost relationships with their children who were taught that I was crazy. Thank you for your work. This whole dynamic is so hurtful. Peace to the World.
my sister was eleven years old when I was born, followed by two brothers; nine and six. By the time I came along my sister had complete control of the family, because she was a very skilled manipulative anorexic and control freak, my parents both had low self esteem and confidence... so they did the bidding of my sister. Even on the day I was born her words were 'get rid of it, we don't want it here'... and she did try to kill me, by pushing the pram I was in down the stairs. So decades of abuse later... both parents die, of course I was the unappreciated carer of my parents and the siblings, led by my sister took my inheritance... So I haven't spoken to them for eleven years... lots of tears and trying to heal. Sadly now my partner has died, lost all my pets, lost lots of possessions and money and was nearly homeless... actually all the friends I thought I had were not actually friends at all.... so now I'm totally alone... Of course all friendships/relationships fell apart because it seems I have a flashing neon sign indicating 'scape goat' on my head... But the good news is... at least I'm not like any of them... and their toxic behavior has made me a better person... and slowly, a stronger person, so had I not been the scape goat... I would be exactly like them... horrific... and yes... sadly I developed an illness... usually brought on by years of trauma, stress and abuse... Now it's just me and Jesus Christ... He is all I have... amen.
thetheraine, I don't know what to say, your story is so painful! All scapegoat stories are so sad and painful. It feels unreal! I'm in the same boat and I know the feeling when you're wondering if you have a neon sign on your head. I'm glad you found Jesus!
@@dagmaranja888 - the good thing about pain is that you develop insight, you grow as a person... you are more understanding and kinder... and the joke is on the abusers, they never grow as a person, because they are stuck in their loop... they will never admit they are wrong, so they will never escape the loop. Let's hope next year the dark tunnel we've travelled in... finally opens up into the light at the end of it... and we can move on and enjoy our lives. Happy New Year and God Bless... amen.
I went home to visit my parents. I was weak because I will chronically ill. My parents went away on a short holiday. During that time my sister was verbally busing me day after day. I put my boundaries down by saying you can’t speak to me like that. When I put my boundaries down things got worse for me because I wasn’t in a safe space at the time. I ended up in hospital with a concussion and had to get scanned to check for internal bruising. The jealousy is so ugly it’s uncontrollable. I can never go to my childhood house. My mother hasn’t spoken to me since blaming me because I am the oldest. It’s crazy.
Many years ago when I was 21 I had gone to see my parents during the college holidays when the kitchen I worked in was closed for a couple of weeks and they had known I was visiting and had booked some time away in the Yorkshire dales in the days when I was visiting! If they had booked those days ages in advance then fair enough I wouldn't have been cross but to do that when they knew I was coming up to stay close to those days I do feel was very naughty! It was the same time when I got told I was weird for going out alone!
Amazing video. Mine was a quite dark experience. When I was younger she was very critical and would say the most awful things. I later realized that she had been coaching my siblings on how to treat me and innuating that I was mentally unstable. And so my siblings whom I love had been secretly treating me different due to the secret smear campaigns. My mother did all this so she could make me a son husband…when she started the covert emotional incest that was it for me! 5 years in , they know where I live the only sibling I was kinda close to has started hovering. I ignored and plan to move…. Out of the country.
By far the most useful content segment I've seen so far (and I've watched A LOT of them). Been in therapy for 1.5 years now and this is really the most honest information I've gotten so far, basically, "once a scapegoat always a scapegoat". You have to cut ties and get away/move on. Thank you, it was important for me to hear this.
Thanks for this when no contact 8months ago could not cope anymore at 61 being the scapegoat for the whole family including inlaws .Already feel much stronger they made me feel the lowest of the low with reading and podcasts .The root of their behaviour is down to deep insecurity
3:18 the sibling abuse got worse when surving parent went into a care home. But its the parent that is control. I'm glad I'm starting the process of removing myself.
This is possibly the best, most accurate video I’ve seen on the sibling abuse towards the scapegoat (I’ve watched many). Every point describes my experiences to a tee. Thank you!
Story of my life. I haven't understood their big, active part in this until now, i always expected them to understand and take my side if i explained the truth... I have went no contact with all of them, after being ostracized myself for decades, but this time it's My choice.
For me, it's gotten harder as I get older and love my early mermories, even the ones that hurt. Yet no sib or cousin to share them with. Too painful to see the continued bullying.
I am so thankful I have a brother who was treated as badly as me. We are friends and are able to validate our crappy upbringing. The middle child is the golden and is far gone in his delusions. I always tell my brother that we were the "lucky" ones. We're way better off than our other sibling, who is still emeshed with the parents.
Entering the second year of being totally rejected. Its always been a struggle but got real bad since my dad passed. My mother is 85. I'm 65 and getting better, but it still hurts terribly some days. I have two sisters who are downright hateful to me. I have reached out birthday's, holidays and such. This is the year I will go no contact. Even my adult children shun me. It's cruel like death. I have learned a lot from you, thank you..
When my brother abused me, my parents only became upset with me when I defended myself. They never stopped the abuse. When I told my parents that my brother tried to kill me three times and tried to molest me, all when I was 12, my parents once again, were upset with me. My mother had the nerve to tell me that my brother was angry at me for telling them what he had done to me. They are so abusive. I am no contact with them now. My dad passed away three years ago. I don’t plan on seeing these people again. I have a difficult time calling them family.
Thanks for an excellent video, I would say you can not only survive toxic and bullying siblings but you can Thrive....I am living proof of finding peace after going low contact, then emotionally and spiritually disconnecting and letting go ,which also allowed me to accept their passing as a graceful relief after years of being tortured my brother, without being bitter. I didn't experience sadness when he recently died and I am able to forgive him and his deeds without residual guilt or loss.....just a quiet relief.
It may sound terrible to say, but I know for certain I will feel some sense of relief when my older brother dies one day. He hated me from the moment I came out of the womb and tried to make my life a living hell anytime I was around him. You will never miss a person like that.
Excellent video and sadly this has been true for me. Can you do one on what to say when people ask about your family. People always ask and if you say you're not in touch the most common response is "what did you do" ( more shame/blame) or "you must stay in touch /make it work". I never see this covered on any vlogs. Thankyou
This has been so hard for me too. It just RE triggers me to have someone I admire tell me I just need to set my sisters straight like I haven’t already tried everything under the sun.
This is terrible, but it’s much easier to just say “I’m an only child and my parents are both deceased”. Leaves no room to keep asking about your family. The average person simply does not understand how hard it is to walk away from your entire family.
I think scapegoats tend to be the ones who can see the truth of the family's system; cheap intimacy between members at another's expense, and tacit, unconditional siding of one member with another, regardless of who's right and wrong/refusal to ever criticise that sibling. I'm the 'ill' (for ill read lazy!) one in my family, and yet there's a broad refusal, even within the extended family of anyone to put a name to it or acknowledge it as real or having a solid cause. I love my folks, but there needs to be a reckoning. The penny only dropped with me after 20+ years of counselling, just the other week that my father has driven a wedge between my younger brother and me since we were kids. It's time to finally have 'the talk' with my brother to see if there's anything worth salvaging. It's time because he's ignored me pretty consistently since he left home almost 20 years ago. He had his first child in February, and since then I've been reproached for not being the attentive, delighted, gushing aunt. I just can't, and it's brought it all to a head for me. We've only ever had shouting marches before (my dad's default method of communication), so it may go awry, but I have to try before giving up. He remains basically unhealed also, but is outwardly 'normal/respectable/credible'. Perhaps if some truths could be acknowledged in a civil exchange, their could finally be some healing for both of us.
These videos are so helpful. Ty. I feel jealousy is a big problem with them. The whole situation is tragic. I thought I was the only one who suffered this. So many years wasted.
I appreciate ypur videos. You explain things so well. What blows my mindis that you are the spitting image of my aunty, who doesn’t speak to me lol. (I am cut off from the family). You look just like her, yet you are so nice!
I’m glad my fraternal twin brother and I always had each other’s backs. Our older siblings picked on us, but they also defended us if we were picked on, typical siblings dynamic.
You are in an abusive relationship and don't even realize it, this is exactly it. I was always a Firestarter and pushed against the status quo. When I became a young adult and naturally started to spread my wings, the abuse ramped up to a crazy level. Something as simple as going out on a date led to arguments, verbal abuse etc. I definitely pushed back and let everyone know to mind their business. This is when I realized how dysfunctional my family really was. I had no support, my brother was abusive and my other brothers stood by silently. I'm glad I received my wake up call in my 20s as opposed to my 60s or 70s - they are not apart of my inner world and I am low contact - it's for the best. Great video Mary!
The parent never sticks up for the scapegoat when a sibling is bullying them
No, in fact they've trained the sibling to attack. It's sick.
Absolutely true.
Facts! I got bullied by my sibs for advocating for my aged parents with them. Then my dad told me to try to get along with my siblings.
What is even more painful is that when you stand up for yourself, you are portrayed as the problem. Literally, my sibling and I could be yelling at each other, but my mom would reprimand me or make me out to be the problem. It's sickening, especially when this scenarios are repetitive and become worse with time, but your need for protection is overlooked.
@@robynsettler6747every time!
No contact was my only option. The abuse will never end. In a narcissistic family system, the scapegoated child will always be abused.
It's so painful. First I was the golden child and now for about 30 years the scapegoat. I'm 45 now.
I learned that I am the scapegoat of narcissistic family system I was born into at age 25. I am 26 and I am still working on climbing out of it.
I went no contact after my evil mother died 5 years ago. My father wasn’t much better. My three siblings abused the hell out of me. Best decision.
I can relate. I have been no contact for several years now. It has given me space to work on myself and find some peace.
You are right, i was hoovered back in..set my recovery back..brutal and painful.
To admit they (the siblings) had treated you badly would be to admit their flaws; and if they are narcissists themselves this will never happen.
The scapegoat is used by all to regulate their dysfunctional emotions.
I have a simple boundary I use with everyone now- ‘if I don’t feel valued and respected by you, you do not get the privilege of my company ‘
I love this, I feel exactly the same. I have a very high BS detector now. Love to you x
God Bless you 🙏
Exactly, great advice! God bless you 🙏
very good way of putting it.
@@zoelaughton2947 Me too! Much love & peace to you 🙏
No contact. Period. The abuse will never end. Setting boundaries does not work.
I'm finally coming to this conclusion...I'm tired of trying for same old bs
They may agree to have boundaries but in reality it doesn’t work
Boundaries only work with those who see you as a separate individual. They can't even see Boundaries.
Absolutely.
Surviving an abusive family would be so much easier to do with siblings on your side. But of course, it rarely works out that way.
I’ve had to go no contact with both of my “brothers” who have treated me like trash since the day I was born. Our mother is dead and there is just no reason to continue subjecting myself to their crap. Complete strangers have been kinder to me in life than anyone in my own family. Unless you’ve lived through it, there is no way to explain the pain of it to other people.
“Explaining the pain to others”…you are so right. I’ve hurt for decades not being able to explain the pain of scapegoat in a dysfunctional family, but also the pain of covert emotional abuse from my spouse.
Because people can’t “see” what goes wrong - what is happening, they doubt. No one ever made me feel like I was a crazy person, but quizzical facial expressions tell me everything.
Your words hit home. You are right that even complete strangers are kinder than our family
@@kritikaroy5058And the narcissist is always respectful kind to strangers.. others outside 🤔soo..doing that they betray themselves! Their huge false mask..🧐
@@lesliemontagne6797 yes, perhaps we attract spouses who revel in watching us squirm as we agonize over our mistreatment from family. Instead of being supportive, they poke and provoke us into a worse emotional state, by suggesting we brought this on ourselves, or we need to get over it. Which results in dysregulation that rarely settles down for us. What hell.
You are so right. First I thought my brother was the one who understood what we went through as children. Until I had to realize, he's become an abuser himself. I'm very low contact with no contact in the future.
NO CONTACT with parent, siblings, relatives….ALL of them cut off! Permanently. It’s been 8 years…LOVE IT!!!! I should have done it sooner! 🎉🎊👏🏾
I’m in the process of NC with my narcissistic family. Although I’m more successful than they could ever be, they have used me as their punching bag. I’m done.
Since I stopped speaking to my family my life got so much better.
I feel so much more at peace and relaxed.
But do you do when they pass away? Do you go to a wake and see them all there so they can talk about you. I was going to go to my sister's wake even though we hadn't spoken in over 10 yrs. but I would have felt very uncomfortable after what they've all put me through and now I feel very guilty but they can't hate me anymore then they already do.
I am happy to see it works, it has not been a year yet. They are after my grandchildren and my son. They still see them. It breaks my heart my heart. I feel even more like a scapegoat. 😢
AMEN !!!!!! IT WORKS !!!! YOU'LL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER !!!!!!
The abuse went off the charts when the parents died. I went through a living Hell. No contact is now permanent. The family imploded and some of them later turned on each other. Best to walk away and never look back.
Me too ❤
Same here. Really confusing why it escalated. At one point they were threatening to hold the funeral without me (they just had to wait a week for me to return from a pre-scheduled business trip abroad). Unbelievable rudeness. I am now reducing contact to the absolute minimum including not attending any Christmas get together. Just can’t cope with gossip, disrespect and insults any more.
Same here Florida. I'm from NYC area. How did this happen??. After mom dad died. Watch out 😢 Got worse
From one cousin/neice
My brother died suddenly and learned shocking rudeness, abandonment, blame is what other siblings offer. I thought death might sober them and awaken to appreciate family members. Thoughts of parents leaving this Earth now contain horror of what then. 🙏🏽🫣
My mum died when I was 26 & I’m now 32 in the darkest hole of depression because I thought parents gone would result in reflection. But the most unbearable abuse came after and I can’t stop hurting
if you’re the family scapegoat, consider yourself lucky, because you are. it is the number one sign that you’re the normal one. these folks are mentally unwell and tho they’ll never see nor acknowledge it, everyone else does. they’re jealous and the behaviors of ostracizing and rejection ultimately are for your survival and well being. you’ll watch from afar as it all plays out to your good. ain’t gd great!
@@EMVelez In cases where people ask me about my family, I simply say that were not a very close family and that everyone has their own lives now that we’re adults. Then I redirect the question to them, “How about you? How is life with you?” And besides, if they keep prodding about it, then whoever is asking is toxic and just looking for something to gossip about. Also, don’t share all the details, keep it sweet and succinct.
Before I left my family, I always thought people who cut off their family is shameful but for as long as I didn’t know they cut them off, I never thought negatively them. Therefore, don’t overshare and besides it’s no one else’s business but yours so just keep it vague and redirect. Good luck.
Everly: YES. We have been endowed a gift. The gift of seeing the toxicity and choosing not to engage with it. It’s a miracle families like this produce normal and healthy people.
i too have had shade thrown at me, but often as a jockey for control. i think they see in us a divine nature they themselves lack.
But those sick ppl succeed in live....they live very very well.... where is justice?
@@renzlo9747 Scapegoats go on to live very good lives too…it depends how one defines life…in all honesty I was making less than 50k/yr for 5 years until I said enough is enough with this bs. I made sacrifices, went back to school and received a professional designation, after which my income tripled since and has quadrupled now. It takes time and effort and belief in oneself. But that was my definition of a good life, for some it means having a family, for others it means living in the moment and travelling everywhere, for some it is a quiet and simple life, for others it means building 7-8 figure businesses, and for others they’re literally just happy sitting behind a simple desk answering phone calls. Living well is to your definition. The toxic family planted a definition for you that you might not actually agree with. Maybe it’s time to define what living well for you means instead of comparing yourself to others today, compare yourself to yesterday. Sometimes the right answers are the simplest ones. Take care.
My parent is simmering with contempt for me. Not once did she intervene to protect me from family violence.
Even as adults my siblings have violent rages. She stands and watches.
She calls it sibling rivalry which is so insulting when she’s watched you being trapped in a corner & spat on.
I worked back to her being the ring leader.
They not only don't protect us from violence or trauma, they actively participate in it, or set us up to be abused by others. This is so they can justify their own mistreatment of us. They remove protectors. They force us, through lies, manipulation, coercion, brainwashing, or if all else fails, force, to be with people who mistreat us and deny people who would be or are good to us.
It's sinister. These people are minions of evil.
This sets us up to be unable to recognize danger from safety. In honesty, Danger WAS Safe, and vice-versa....meaning, dating / befriending dangerous people kept us safe in our childhood and youth from the abuser; they don't have to expend so much energy if we are being abused in our personal relationships outside of our homes. Whereas, people safe for our psyches and bodies put us in danger at home.
Raised in a narcissistic homes makes everything is upside down and inside out. It's like discovering that the orange's peel has been put on inside out, and as adults in recovery, we have to peel it carefully then attempt to put it back on the right way.
🎯🎯🎯
Same for me, my mother is the mastermind.
My dad is the ringleader
I hope you were able to leave xx
So glad for scapegoats waking up all around the world. 🇧🇷💯🌻💕♥️❣️🎈
❤️
@@riverunner9978 🤗
The back and forth of being nice and then not so nice is one of the hardest things. I feel crazy when that happens and try to forget everything that’s happened--and then the not so nice comes back and it’s painful all over again. It’s feels like such emotional whiplash.
I don’t want to go no contact at all. It’s not something I celebrate or ever want to celebrate, but I feel like if I don’t, my soul will die.
Thank you so much for this video . I found you last week and actually wept as I could finally put a name on me as a member of an abusive family . This year I am in no contact with any of my family as I was ostracised by everyone after telling my mother a few home truths .. everyone ...everyone.. in the family rejected me ... very painful . I am very grateful to have been guided to your videos . Thank you ❤️
Welcome. I understand how you feel implicitly. It's such a wonderful feeling to finally find understanding, validation and a name for what it is you have been living through. God bless you. The Grieving is the hardest part. But you will make it through. You will even when you don't think you will you will. And there's many of us out here who are rooting for you. Hold on. You will heal. You'll make it through. We are promised that. Much love. 💞
I know the feeling & it will get easier, but it will always be painful. It’s a horrible truth to endure, but when you realize it’s healthier to be free of their abuse & embrace the wonderful you ❤️ Don’t let those who don’t deserve you upset you 🙏
What has happened is I have been on my own for over 20 years. Alienated children are dying in the captivity of diabetic coma when their captors were diabetics themselves. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around that one.
I concur - it really helps to put a name to this, and on us as individuals in these untenable situations. I am also now no contact with everybody- distant and closely related, and all their connections that they have poisoned and spread lies to. It’s tough but it’s starting to get better, much better - in part thanks to all the info available like this. Good luck to you - you’re not alone ❤️
Know exactly how this feels! Stay strong 💪 xxxx❤
I will tell you my proven method for dealing with abusive controlling gossiping siblings: never speak to them again. Adios, traitor.
No sense in wasting your energy on them; they'll NEVER "get it."
I don't miss mine at all
I’m about ready to go this route. Sad but possibly necessary.
I say what was told to me whn I was young "if I never see you again wish you well" now I say that fully to them!
100% agree.
I have lived this as the scapegoat. Lots of words to fully explain. My solution has been to find a new family, go no contact and low contact. Respect myself and don’t beg or expect anything from an abusive family.
Where do you find a new family? I've been no contact over 3 decades and still alone. That's not from not trying, it's a misconception that's sold to estranged people, that we will somehow find a replacement family. Nobody cares if your family didn't you're not part of their family so why would they?
@@bobbysgirl8365 your new family can be if you marry someone. Hopefully the spouses family treats you better. Your friends can be like family. Co workers etc. I always had a very small family. Ptettty much just my dad , mom , 2 sisters. My mom disowned her entire family in her 20s. So I only seen her one sister once ( after my dad died ) but for some reason my mom never talked to her again and both her sis passed and her mom ) so I really nrver knew anyone on moms side of family. My dad was 15 years older then my mom. All of his brothers and sisters were way older and many of them passed and all of my dads side of family lived out of state so I never really knew any of them either. I’m now in NC with my mom and older sis. That leaves me with one blood relative that I know. My SO and his parents and two brothers are my real family. I am still very close to my one sis. I don’t think going NC with my mom and older sis will affect my relationship with her. I do think we will always remain close. Me and my younger sis have very similar stories of how our older sis was to us but our experiences with our mom is completely diff bc I am the scapegoat. My sis is the golden child rhat never does anything wrong. Even outsides notices how differently my mom treats me versus how she treats her other two kids. I’m def not crazy thinking I’m treated terribly by my mom. Your family isn’t always blood !
@@bobbysgirl8365right. Nobody in this world will ever love you and be so loyal like youre own familie, if you have the luck of a good one. There isnt another family waiting. Even if you have the family of youre partner, it exists just so long how the relationship lasts. Then they also will never act like family again. They stay so long like youre husband, then leave, because youre not their blood. Nothing is so strong like the own family, another one will never be like youre own. I think we must acceppt to NEVER ever have a family...
@@bobbysgirl8365I am I. This situation and am part of a local church. So supportive and a blessing.
Best thing to do is save yourself the upset and not bother!
My narcissist sibling started with sibling rivalry when I was a child. He was jealous of me from the day I was born. He turned all my aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and tried to turn my father against me. I can't have a relationship with any of them and never will.
Sorry to hear that. Reminds me that my narcissistic older sister was unhappy from my birth as well.
My sister did the same with me. I'm sorry.
This is why, IMO it's so d**** hard to even wake up to the realization that you HAVE been abused. Because everyone around you treats you like it's normal. They tell you "You had a good life," and in my case, being the youngest, "You were spoiled!"
Ditto! Thank you!!
Ditto as well. As the youngest, I was supposedly “spoiled”. Really? To this day, I’m ignored in a group with the siblings, they don’t even include me. My Father ,deceased, always said my Mother spoiled me as well, & would treat me like crap. My Mother was NUTS, an isolater, addicted to Valium. She seemed to like me when I was a cute little kid, but as soon as the pre-teen years hit, WOW! I couldn’t do anything right, and she hated every friend I had. My Sister would love humiliating me in front of the others, & to this day, still gossips about me, since I don’t bother to speak to my brothers anymore-one of them blocked my number. They were cruel & very toxic. It’s no wonder I got addicted to opioids when I went through a traumatic divorce. It now gave them an excuse to really look down on me, since our Parents were deceased & I now needed help, & none of them wanted me around. I’m clean now, and I just consider myself someone with no family.
…“They’re all in on it”.. wow, that’s really hit a cord with me as it’s so true . My sibling I feel is managed to “tolerate” me to an extent. But it always felt like walking on eggshells . Recently, in the middle of a perfectly normally conversation, sue lost it and started screaming in my face . I sat there just completely shell shocked, she screamed about how l “wind people up” …when I hadn’t done a thing . As l watched her scream and loose control l was back in my child body as my mum screamed at me In exactly the same way. She was my mum in that moment. It all clicked into place. She indeed was “in on it”, and had seen me as the “problem” all along . My mothers years of lies and manipulation had worked a treat, I’d never felt so alone.
Yes I also was shocked how my Golden Child sister has become a worse version of my narcissistic cold blooded mother following our mother’s passing…I expected the opposite. Pure fantasy. Not wasting any time walking away. I’m not reliving that abuse.
OMG, I had a very similar experience with one sibling and that is exactly when the scapegoating and lies began. I can trace it to that exact moment. It was intolerable to this person that I witnessed her snapping, and from then on I had to be excommunicated. She never spoke to me again from that day on, and began manipulating my other 2 siblings to ostracize me.
These comments are so validating to me! I wish I had found people like you who understand sooner. I was 57 years old when I finally realized that I was in a narcissistic family. I am 66 now. Recovery is taking a long time.
I am there with you, I am 63, just found out last summer. All my life, I tried to deal with Covert narcissists. Can’t wait to feel better.
64, I hear you. We’ve got this 🦋🌌🕊️
PRECISELY.... what happened to me..... I'm 73.... Finally saw it....and escaped ( an ESPCAPED GOAT )...
Yes, the silver lining is escaping.
My sisters called me ugly and deserved to die.they told me I am below their standards and in public they never show they know me. At home they made me feel invisible.and my mom always told me to shut up.
There are no boundaries in dysfunctional families and relationships - that is so important to acknowledge, thank you for this ❤ No more wasting of life energy in trying to set them
After the passing of the parent, who owned a house, my two adult siblings hijacked the estate. I never knew a thing about it, since I lived a few states away. They moved to Florida. I had found out from someone contacting me.
I never imagined they were capable of something like that. I was the skapegoat since childhood and it never changed. This dysfunction carries well into adulthood and never ends.
That's hideous behavior. Same thing happened to me. (I just posted a comment about it.) I've read that in homes where "there wasn't enough love to go around," it's common for narc siblings to manipulate to get sole control of the estate.
I’m one of five children. One of the reasons it was tough to go no contact was because I was attached to some of my siblings. My sisters were obvious abusers. My brothers straddled the fence and pretended to be my friend, but never did anything to stop the abuse. Once I discovered my siblings needed me to be the SG in order to protect themselves, that’s when I knew it was a lifelong dynamic. Nothing was going to change, even during adulthood.
I'm glad you are protecting yourself. I came to the same realization.
Thank you for posting this video. It’s true they don’t change. My sister stopped by for a one night visit. To note, I moved across the country away from my family. The night of her visit she “acted” very friendly, but later that night I felt like I couldn’t breathe, felt anxiety and couldn’t sleep that night. Beforehand I had done a lot of deep cleaning for days in preparation for her visit, and also took them out to dinner. The next morning, I heard her talking about me on the phone to another sister then quickly said she’ll have to call them back. She is in her mid 50s, the other sister is 60. It’s true that they really don’t change. The patterning is way too deep and ingrained. Also my other sister who used to visit won’t return calls or text. There’s Cptsd that remains to this day.
Five years no contact with my entire family (narc mother) father died many years ago. Abuse got worse when he died. I was blamed for all the dysfunction. I only have contact with one nephew and his family (he is a psychologist). NM died 18 months ago, I didn't go to funeral, one brother reached out after I went NC but he did all the mothers dirty work but never apologised for his abuse. Wasn't interested.
I'm happily married and although it's crushingly sad I moved on, with therapy and learning everything I know about narcissism.
I'm so glad you have found some peace Suzanne ....our stories are very similar....I am mid 60s now and still suffer daily, as you say it is crushingly sad....I wish you all the very best....
Sounds very similar to my story but the Golden Child was a sister and not a brother.
Thank you. It was incredibly difficult for the first 8 months then I started to get better physically and mentally. I still have bad days but thankfully they are few and far between.
@@wonderfulwardy all our stories are similar. I'm in touch with many former SGS, and the similarities are frankly uncanny.
@@suzannemcaleenan9009 your right. Its like an ongoing virus
One place I got stuck on my road to recovery was understanding that, like me, my siblings were also vulnerable children. They were given a very poor example indeed, such that the bullying, scapegoating, and entitled demands continued decades into adulthood. No matter how many times I'd patch them up after our mother's gobsmacking behaviour, they'd inevitably ostracize me again and go cozying up to her (they're still hoping for inheritance).
Even when half my siblings themselves identified me as the family scapegoat, their unconscious habitual behaviours persisted. When I began to hold them accountable, began to call them out directly, not one could bother to examine themself and endeavour to change.
I'm glad what happened to me didn't happen to them. I don't wish that on anyone, least of all people I love (as I do all my siblings). I can't change them, but I can change myself.
The biggest heartbreaker is, when I clearly state that I will no longer tolerate abuse of any variety (I've had to hang up the phone many times after clearly asserting a boundary), they don't seem bothered at all to have no relationship with me whatsoever. Like our mother, there's no interest if I don't agree to being a punching bag.
I'm disappointed in the weak moral character of my siblings. I understand that they were traumatized by witnessing my abuse and by abusing me out of a twisted survival mechanism. They are not children anymore, however. If I can face, figure out, and recover from being the primary target, I have no respect for anyone who is too weak or lazy to do that once or twice removed.
I'd welcome a healthy relationship with any family member. Until such time as someone demonstrates a similar objective, I will not be chasing after or pining for them. I'm quite certain that they all know that is on them.
As we age and they encounter various health crises, opportunity presents to try to hoover me back in. I ask where they were when I needed help, and tell them that I can no longer afford to invest in non-reciprocal relationships. I have many times demonstrated that I know how and have been a good sibling. They have demonstrated the opposite. There's nothing there for me in that but pain and disappointment.
I have stopped confirming that they are good people. They're not.
Listen, scapegoat r pick because they r the least capable of acting wrong to anyone. Ur sibilings were more like them. They originally were not that good of people. Of course, they were hurt too, but that doesn't make them good people or victims to the mistreatment they do on others.
I don't think there's any excuse now that they are adults. Betrayal and abuse are a choice.
" You can't survive without us" For years they whispered to her "you can't withstand the storm." Until one day she whispered back "I am the storm." That is the day you are strong enough to walk away.
Wow! Yes, truth-tellers can indeed be "the storm," no matter how gently and politely they tell their truth.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with your clients as well as your personal experiences.
It makes me feel better, less lonely.
❤ And your advice sounds reasonable.
Thank you so much.
I hope that I someday understand how my younger brother became a sociopath. We had the absolutely best parents, so kind and generous, smart and savvy. We all knew my brother was selfish and self-centered but he usually hid his narcissism well. My parents were baffled and hurt when he’d neglect them and cause problems. As soon as my mother started to die he was in like a dirty shirt for the money. He kept me from my mother as much as possible, turned the nurses at the retirement home against me, tried hard to turn our father against me. I had to get a lawyer to protect our father. He even withheld medicine from our dying father. My brother managed to turn the extended family against me - and these are actually lovely people - but my brother is extremely convincing and I live on another continent. I had PTSD from the experience for over a year. He turned my nieces and nephews against me. I didn’t only lose my parents, I lost my entire extended family. No contact forever.
And entire friend circle. Sadly they destroy all of them too.
😔
How sad. It's unbelievable that extended families are not discerning and just believe people without looking further into it.
Sorry you had to endure this!! God will vindicate you when you trust in him!! I'm glad you found peace and have a good family that supports and loves you!!!
Maybe there happened something outside of the family.
We all live in the same small town. I have 2 daughters, and I have a niece and nephew. We’re all so enmeshed, but I absolutely do not fit in and am smeared by the parent, sibling and in law. I’m desperate to move away as we’re all in top of each other, and being the scapegoat, I’m a bit trapped. It’s a narcissistic family cult. I thought I got on with my sister, but am realising she’s just an enabler and flying monkey. Taking back information about me. I’ve healed somewhat, but listening to you Mary gives me so much hope. Thank you ♥️xx
A narcisstic cult. That really resonated with me. I called my sisters flying monkeys though. I went nc long ago. After 14 years, my eldest sister got in touch. If I was the scape goat, she was the invisible one. Once I left, my mother and the sociopathic golden child turned on her. We never really got along, she quickly fell back into old ways. I always felt tolerated. When ever I said I wasn't sure I needed her in my life, she would cry. 2 years ago, she died of cancer. I was the only one to cry over her death. To this day, I don't know if I did the right thing.
I really feel for my nieces and nephews. I know which ones are the scapegoats and my heart breaks for them, but I just don't see what I can do. I have to protect myself and my children from this whole system. I hope and pray that someday I'll be able to help my nieces and nephews as adults. I'm sure they'll be told so many lies about me just like I was told about the scapegoats in the generations before me. I have to focus on healing myself and my children. The fact that we've escaped this abusive generational family trauma gives me so much hope for the future.
Perhaps just let them know quietly that you'll always be there for them, in case they need to talk.
As a child this would have helped me, if any distant relative had quietly privately found some way to let me know that they cared about me and wanted to know if anytjing bad happened to me
@@a.g.g.6905 Me too. I'm no longer in contact with anyone in my family. I wonder if there's a way to do that. Any ideas?
@@janasmith2463 I was always very sweet to the scapegoated kids in the family. But at this point, I've made my escape and I can't be in contact for my own sanity. I do hope that someday I'll get to talk to them as adults and help them
I feel the end. I was suddenly blocked from my niece and her brother neve got the chance to know me. It's so sad but I feel helpless to protect them too. I don't call thier mother or our abusive parent.
My mother is 97 and won't die. She has spread lies about me all my life to cover for the abuse she perpetrated on me. I have to say my allegiance was always to my younger brother who was also abused.
I’m here, I lived it. I still live it. They know the truth, but they go along with the lie. There is nothing to do when reason ceases to exist.
It can be hard to believe how bad it is at first. I made excuses for them, I was in denial as to how cruel these people really are. Are these really the people I grew up with? That I loved? It is very confusing at first, but I had to accept reality.
Not wanting to lose my niece and nephews had me hangjng in there longer than was good for me. It's not possible to maintain ties with anyone in such a toxic system, even the innocent bystanders.
You bring such clarity to this topic and just how difficult accepting it is.
I never really considered being trauma bonded to siblings but wow, of course this is what is going on. We all grew up together in an abusive environment, but the real insight to me was realizing that each sibling had a different experience from mine, even in the same home and environment. This helped me understand that we are different. We are different in how we experienced and dealt with our own trauma.
I have worked hard to process my trauma and ground myself in reality. I realized they couldn't. It definitely took me a long time to gain this perspective, but then everything made sense.
I realized the relationships I did have with them were superficial. It was clear to me that they are unhappy people behind the facade.
And it was kind of a shock to see that they lacked empathy. My mother was the model for this. She could fake it but it wasn’t really there. And as a child we have to accept these delusions that a parent is loving and caring, but as you grow up you really have to see that none of this is true.
I do feel like the fortunate one. I would not want to be in their miserable shoes.
A light bulb went off for me when I started to hear my mother's vitriol coming out of my closest sibling's mouth. I almost had an out of body experience, Generational trauma and abuse demonstrated as clear as day.
I am lucky that they have left me alone. Out of state, which is a relief.
My siblings sends the police to my home for a wellness check knowing I smoke pot. I am 60 and I don't feel safe with them having my address. BTW I have moved away over 40 years ago.
They called the guards on me too knowing I smoked pot ..this happened over a year ago .I've since given up the pot ..it was trauma bonding me to a narc ex ..
Thank you for the information. Yes it gets worse after my parents both pass away. I'm in no contract with all my siblings and working on my own life.
I went no contact 34 years ago and it was the single best decision I have ever made in my life. The truth is, they need their sadism fix, and if they can continue to harvest off you they will do so until you are gone. And, in fact, even after you leave they will continue to try to seek you out and hate you and insult you because they just can't imagine doing without your pain to fuel their days. It took me about 12 years and several cease and desist letters, but they finally backed off.
Thank you for this relatable video. There is so little advice and help for those of us who had cold, rejecting siblings. Most online help revolves around extreme abuse by parents and spouses. There is not much help for those of us healing from sibling abuse or from more insidious, hidden, passive-agressive, emotional parental abuse. It takes so long to stop doubting oneself. The hardwiring to minimize it is very strong. I still struggle with this.
Just remember, you did NOTHING wrong. Keep walking towards the light.
I am pretty sure they never change. I think that's basically what dysfunction is - never changing despite the obvious need for change.
There's myself and 2 sisters. We all have been the scapegoat. The difference is that I have been there for my sisters and understood how they were feeling. Now I am the scapegoat again, and they don't care how I feel. My one sister is the queen bee right now and loves it. Why would she want me back in the click? That means she might get knocked down to scapegoat, and she doesn't want that.
I made the decision that I am done with this toxicity, and I have gone no contact. The cycle will continue if I decide to stay, so why stay. My mental health is more important, and being true to me is more important. I will end this cycle and hope that my sons don't pass this on to their families. I would rather take one for the team to give future generations a better family.
BLESS YOU!
Wow this was my situation growing up. It was especially difficult navigating through this dynamic while growing up with a chronic illness
Well done Mary, another very truthful video from a person who truly understands the pain this total nonsense causes. Went totally no contact with my elder sister last week. She is the last to go, for various reasons. The relief I feel is phenomenal - I wish I had done it years and years ago in my 20's. I loved her because she was my sister but I finally acknowledged to myself I never LIKED her ever. I did it by text, told her some home truths but was not nasty, that's her job, not mine. I set boundaries which she disrespected. I gave her a year to change but she just got worse and worse, proving my theory she was a narc. The breakthrough came when I mirrored her behaviour. Not my MO, very much hers but had to be done. The effect has been sensational. She is so angry! Lol. Now I am stronger I just find the narcs ( whole family) very entertaining. They are all slightly different and operate on different levels but bizarrely all behave the same behaviour patterns. Now I have cracked the code I can move forward. Letting go of the fantasy then entering full on grief for my nephews and nieces nearly killed me. But, I survived by taking it one second at at time, sometimes not good ( to say the least) other times slightly easier. I am no totally no contact now and even though there is a lot of residue and work to be done, I notice the stronger I get the weaker they become. For all of you out there going through this nightmare consider the alternative ... you could spend time with them and let them make you feel bad as they always have done OR you can walk away, shrug your shoulders and say, I'm done. Their loss. It has taken the most phenomenal amount of anguish to get to this point, at one time I felt insanity or suicide was the only choice, that's how low I became. It was Bad, but slowly I got through it, as did Mary who is a shining example it can be done. And the ones left in our wake are jealous! and that pleases my soul. To all of you out there in the darkness, keep going, its worth it.
Thanks for sharing. well done for 'cracking the code'! and being able to step free of all that abuse directed at you.
That’s the painful thing for me.
The only thing keeping holding on to my sister, is my poor, sweet nieces. They deserve better. I feel like I’m leaving them behind, and it’s so painful. She’s repeating the cycle with her daughters. I pray for them everyday, when I pray for myself. It’s very hard.
I have been returning their serve over the past few years, treating them with as much contempt and ostracism as they have treated me. And I am not holding back, if pressed. I never initiate contact but respond in kind accordingly if they contact me. Ie with as much coldness or friendliness as they give me. I make excuses to not see them too. I am a mirror. I
We need to bully the bullies, they then step down and leave you alone and find another vulnerable target. Throw it right back, I say. Gaslight them, confuse them, make empty promises, fake it, be indifferent to them...they deserve it. Assume they will be horrible and betray you. Never expect anything different now you know...I call out narcissistic personality disorder on public figures and ppl we know...they leave me alone mostly now, which is the best thing for me
Hi Mary. Glad you are on the path to healing and no contact for 4 years. It does get lonely not having a genuine loving family around at this time of year, but as much as it hurts. Id rather be lonely then continue to be in their toxic environment. At least we scapegoats can chat and validate each other which our family never do.
I too am the scapegoat. My narc overt dad who was both physically and mentally abusive to me growing up, died 2 years ago, and you are right,.... The siblings got worse.
I'm 40 years old now and by doing alot of healing i began to notice and realise after all these years that my mother is a narc too but a covert type. It took me my whole life and the last two Christmas s ago to realise this.
When my dad died, i was relieved and a sense of life came back to me. I started standing up for myself. Thats when i started looking up narcissistic abuse videos on youtube as my sisters were always mean to me and showed alot of hatred towards me. I never did anything wrong but i was always the different one and very talented too. They hated it.
Last two Christmas's ago i had a word with my mother. I said to her that now my asshole dad is dead, you finally have the opportunity to be the better parent and get us kids all together and talking once again. You see, my mum also hated my dad. He was physically abusive to her too. I was the oldest child and only boy. I saw most of the abuse taking place in the home. Funny how my mum complained and played victim to the outside world for many years but never devorced him until i finally moved out of the family home.
Anyway, what happened that same Christmas after having the discussion with my mother infront of my missus and her new boyfriend (who is a very decent respectful guy btw), its started to dawn on me from her expressions during the chat compared to my girlfriends and my mothers new boyfriends. It's almost as if she felt i was uncovering her mask and she didn't like it.
That night when the boyfriend had to leave and do something, my mother became a different person. She started throwing suttle digs here and there to me and my lady. Ive known my mum to never show empathy for me growing up when ever I've been upset or needed her for something, but i never would have guessed she was a narc because she never physically abused me.
That night, i cracked and went into a defensive outburst of rage and stuck up for me and my missus. I said alot of truths that night and she flipped it back on me and kicked me out the house. From that day i valued my life and my lovely girlfriend and went no contact for the 2 years.
Funny thing is, although the smear campaigns will go around about me being the bad one.... its funny how shes the one trying to hoover and make contact. Lol I already got some nasty texts from my siblings, in which I just blanked them.
Sorry for long messege. I just poored my heart and story out to you. I felt lonely yesterday thinking about the good family i do not have / wish i had but we will all eventually get over it. Us scapegoats are strong.
I've spent the last 4 Christmases alone, and I have to tell you, there are worse things, by far! At least I get to spend the day in peace and quiet, eat what I want, and enjoy me own company!
We are strong, Charlie! We survived and we can break this cycle. Stay strong, and may you find some peace and joy, today and everyday.
When I was in my first marriage, it went bad quickly. They didn't like him at first, but then accepted him. He knew I had problems with my family, which is really why I left with him. Only he was actually worse than my parents. But when all you know is poor behavior towards you, you can't see anything else of being worthy. Anyways, when we were in the process of splitting up, my ex would call my house and talk to my mother. Or call her at work saying I was doing all kinds of things. She believed him. Even scolded me about the way I was treating him. Mind you, I was living halfway across the country from them. In a rare moment, my older sister actually defended me to my father. In another rare moment, he stood up for me on one of the times my ex called the house to complain about me. He never called my house again, but would call my mother at work instead. After the divorce, alone in a city by myself, my mother called me, knowing I had no one to spend Christmas with, and told me that I didn't have to come home for Christmas. It was ok. She was willing to let her daughter stay alone for Christmas so that she didn't have to tell the family I was divorced. (First one to happen). And in another rare moment, my ex gave me money to buy a plane ticket to go home because he didn't want to see me spending the holiday alone. I should have kept the money, gone no contact with my family, and never looked back. I guess that I always just wanted to be accepted by my family. But it will never happen. No matter how much I try to fit what they want. It will never work. Makes me feel very sad and quite often guilty for not talking to them. I haven't spoken to anyone in my immediate family in about 3 months now. I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon either.
I was the scapegoat of 5 siblings BUT 2 other than myself also experienced being the scapegoat which can complecate how to understand this roll especially if it was interchangeable with siblings....Sometimes I was the golden child....the invisible one....along with everything inbetween. So it's not always one size fits all.
I think narcs do this consciously to keep everyone off-guard.
I sent my closest brother a video on scapegoating. He told me I’m sick and go get help by a professional not UA-cam. It’s funny i can’t recall doing anything to any of them but be there when I needed them.
I sent my sister a video in narc mothers, she basically gaslit me return. I don’t think my sister is capable of even beginning to understand what toxic abuse I go through as the scapegoat
Mine insist on keeping me in their group chats so they can actively ignore my input. Figured that out and after graciously asking to be removed I was attacked and ridiculed. It really highlighted what was going on. So glad I finally saw it. My mom, cluster B personality, is dying. I’m the oldest daughter and will do what is right by my values to honor and help her. I will stand tall with my behavior but after she passes I expect I’ll never see the three of them again, by my choice.
I like that how slow you talk, not rushing, breathing properly.. most of us with traumatic upbringing rush our words, don't breathe properly, feel like we are making others wait for us.
Hi Mary. I was forced to give to my beloved family a ZERO contact. Some people were more dangerous than others but the zero contact was applied to all in order to void triangulation. Is being couples years that I walked away and I feel much better this days.
I'm in my 40's. I became the more obvious scapegoat after my father died in 2020. Both my parents have/had narcissistic traits. Before Dad died my parents were co-dependant. After dad died my mother became even more toxic. When I put boundaries in place to protect myself and my kids, my three siblings got sucked into my mother's drama and turned against me, telling me I was selfish. My brother was the worst and became verbally abusive. I decided to go no contact before things got worse and I broke down.
It has been almost two years now. I feel a lot of doubt and guilt, worry that it's all in my head and I'm the 'bad' heartless one. But I also feel so very free. No one has reached out to me to hear my side of the story as my mother's hold over them is so strong.
We’re in the exact same situation and age. I felt bad for a while until I truly accepted the abuse. I took time off work to really work on myself and to increase my knowledge on the subject. I read a handful of books and did the suggested exercises that felt right for me. I don’t have kids nor a partner so I have more time to do this. Honestly my formal cut off journey has only been 6 months but I am lucky to have the time and I am feeling less guilty and authentically protective of myself. Also I cut off a bunch of people that were toxic and am building a great relationship with myself. Remember to make time for yourself and to use it wisely. Intend to heal and you will. I am rooting for you.
Books I recommend: Pete Walker’s CPTSD book, Dr Nedra Glover Tawab’s Bounderies book, Codependent No More, Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child, M Scott Peck’s People of the Lie and many others as recommended by other UA-camrs too like Jerry Wise or other family systems experts.
@danswhite8544 more or less same. I was so confused and naive but this is truly how they roll…not going back for more of the same.
My brother and i were abused by my narcissistic mother. At some point we were best friends, but then my mother brainwashed him and turned him against me. He has been scapegoating me ever since.
mine did similar
Thank you for showing seeds of hope for healing and recovery! All of us scapegoats need that right now.
Just in time for the holidays … it hurts they hate me and I don’t know why. I am the youngest of three daughters. I’m the only one who didn’t have children. They don’t invite me places and they say it’s because it’s for the kids only. I love my nieces more than anything. They bond and talk non stop and never reach out to me. I’m on disability and living alone. My cat just passed away who was my world and my one sister didn’t say a I’m sorry or anything. I just suffer alone in this condo. I do have friends mostly online who I am grateful for. It still hurts when your own family rejects you. So much heart break. I told my sister I’m disabled and she said “no you’re not disabled stop.” Like anyone would want to be disabled. I wish I could be different and not suffer with depression and panic attacks. They used to physically abuse me growing up. Typical sister fighting but I was smaller than them and just accepted it. Sadly I’m terrified of women now. 😢
Thank you for sharing & I'm so sorry.
Thank you Mary, this video is so helpful. What I have found is that no one understands this dynamic unless they are in it and it feels good that you have created this community. My older sister has taken on the appalling role of bully, victim, manipulator since my father died six years ago. She has so much entitlement within the large family dynamic, everyone puts her on a pedestal and she loves it. She even had "Queen" tattooed on her hand. I have been completely ostracised and it has been a very painful untangling for me. I am so happy to be out of the dynamic and see that I held on for years. I felt so angry, misunderstood, confused and terrified.
These people will never change, never say never but I feel there is just no way she would look at her behaviour and her husband massages it all and makes her worse as well as every other family member. He is a narc. The whole family are narcs to be honest. This time of year can feel tricky of course. A big chunk of the family are all going abroad together for Christmas next week and I have felt strong unjust feelings but also know that I am so glad that I am not part of it.
This healing path has been tough for sure but day by day I feel so much relief not having to be in that dysfunction. I had to let go of my nieces and nephews too. My sister got so jealous that I had a good relationship with them. I realised that she is riddled with jealousy. She betrayed me by marrying an ex partner of mine who she disliked for treating me poorly, as well as asking my best friend to be her bridesmaid at the time. That`s how sick it was.
She also copies my language and takes on my experiences as her own. It is quite scary to be honest. I imagine myself being her and am so thankful that I am not. She is quite unwell now too. The behaviour is absolutely appalling.
I have carved a good life for myself now, a loving partner and some lovely loyal and lovely natured friends. I am so grateful to be free of that dynamic. Wishing everyone on here the best, you can get free and you can carve a healthy loving life for yourself.
So much love to all that have had to endure this internal pain at times. I walk with you.
Zoe xxx ❤
Thank you! This gives me so much hope. I’m working on radical acceptance. I realize that my siblings have taken everything good about me and projected it onto themselves while at the same time unloading who they really are onto me. They do not see me. They only see everything they do not like about themselves.
Zoe, I find also that people who aren't experiencing this don't understand it. I've tried to explain it to a couple of good friends and they've told me that it just siblings being siblings. They just don't get it. Interesting that your sister takes on your life experiences as her own. Mine does the same thing. Does it trigger you when she doe this, because it does me. While I do keep my sisters at a distance, I am not no contact because I don't want to create alot of drama for my older brother who really wasn't part of scapegoating. I do not have a partner, so that makes things difficult some of the time, but overall I am happy.
Take care and have a happy holiday!
I remember being at a craft fair and was selling things I had made. My elder sister came along and decided to sit at the table I had rented. A lady said that the things I had made were lovely and thinking it was my sister who had made them told her her that. To my utter disbelief my sister said in a creepy childlike voice “ oh thank you”. My sister did not know how to make metal jewellery but was happy to believe that she had made it. My biggest regret in life, is not moving abroad and getting away from my dysfunctional family when I was a young girl.
@@sandramurray8982 oh my gosh, that is just insane.
@@dnk4559 You are so right. I limit my time in her presence now because she is quite toxic. Thank you for your comment.
This is a perfect description, so true, so very sad,
Hi 👋how are you doing?
Mary Toolan, You're a very good and kindhearted lady. You're very smart and absolutely right.
I am so grateful that you stumbled into my life. I met you somehow on Facebook. I'm not even sure how that happened. You have articulated and validated everything that I've gone through these past few years. This has been so incredibly healing for me. There's no doubt in my mind that you have gone through this. Thank you for doing the work. Thank you for showing up in my life. Thank you for making these videos. I have been in counseling on and off for decades. Again just recently. None of them get this. Not one. Thank you again. I can't thank you enough for showing up in my life. This journey I've done mostly alone. But I see now God always gave me exactly what I needed. So here we are. Validation, validation, validation. The pieces are finally coming together and I do see now finally, perhaps for the first time the strength, the wisdom, the profound Independence that God place in my life to give me the strength to walk away from these horrible, vile, hatefilled hosts, decades ago before I really even knew what was going on. I just knew they were toxic and that I was tired of being their garbage can and their punching bag. Thank you. You have shown up in my life exactly when I needed you. Truly amazing how that has happened. People and things have appeared seeming randomly many times along this journey. Eventually you come to realize there is nothing random about it . God's hand is at work providing you exactly what you need at every twist and turn in this journey . Not only this healing journey but this journey called life . Once again, thank you, thank you, thank you!! 💞
AND it's good to know that you are NOT alone. There is a vast community of people who have suffered at the hands of these "people," and that's where you'll find your validation.
Wow you defined my life. At 50 I am just now about fully detached from the toxicity.
Precioso gatito ❤
Mary, watching this video tonight, was just what I needed. Every time, I am pondering reaching out to my family of origin, you put out a video, that reminds me why I am safer and happier without them. Thank you.
It's a validating reminder that I must let go of the fantasy that my family of origin can be kind, and treat me with civility, dignity or respect. And that, just because they have had their rare, good moments, doesn't mean they can sustain being "nice" for longer than an hour at a time.
What happens when one of the two parents passes?
For me, the scapegoating behavior went into overdrive. As if, I, living more than hundreds of miles away, had anything to do with my father's death.
There were so many personal boundaries crossed, it would read like a bad soap opera script. The den of vipers I was born into, the extended family members and friends, who rallied around my mom and sibling - who tossed gasoline onto the ongoing fire of a smear campaign - all showed their true colors, once again.
Stepping out of that abusive cycle was one of the hardest things I have done. It's taken a lot of therapy to realize that I no longer have to "reward, normalize, or excuse" bad behavior.
I am now scapegoated by the main scapegoat.
I'm in my 40s. I started to become a scapegoat in my 30s when I spoke out but then age about 35 my father died and I became the main scapegoat and my oldest sister, the main scapegoat as kids, scapegoats me. I have No Contact but I see her social media posts. Which are crazy, very revealing. Lots of accusations towards me, running me down, thats im punishing them, nastiness, then the next post is how hurt they all are, how they miss me and for me to reach out.
HI Rebecca, Thank you for sharing. I feel it is similar to my experience with my sister, accept my sister does it cunningly, plays the victim, tells everyone how bad I am and whispers all around the family and our home town. I blocked nearly all of my family and anyone who is on her team from all of my Social Media and wow I wish I`d done it sooner. It feels so good to have done that. Love to you x
@@zoelaughton2947 yes I block mine to but once in awhile go back for a look to see if anything has changed. But no, still projecting.
My sister does the same thing in email. One message is that I'm a horrible theif user sociopath. The next message is its been too long since we've seen eachother we miss you so much. It's so crazy.
@@amberinthemist7912 yep. Mine posts accusations on her fb. Ie I've deserted my kids, though they played a role in that estrangement! and despite my kids being late 20s and early 30's!
It's mental stuff.
Such a great video, Mary. My brother blindsided me with a profound, epic betrayal over money when our dad died. I was so loving and steadfast to him all of our lives. Now I wouldn’t give him a drop of water in hell.
We can never have an ally in a sibling because as you rightly say Mary, they will turn the tables on us and tell us we cussed our parent’s behaviour. I made the mistake of broacking my childhood with a sibling, l don’t know what l must have been thinking but I was told “she did her best” “she didn’t k ow what to do with you”…”she had a bad childhood “, l sat in shock listening to her justify all of our mothers behaviour. She seemed dead behind the eyes to me. My mother had set the stage decades ago and cast me as the villain, I would never be anything but that to my sister
Fue un error contarle a mi hermana el horror de mi infancia, cuando ella ya en su madurez ha actuado de manera similar. Me dijo: " yo no viví eso".
Thank you so much, Mary. 🥰 I had just begun to understand narcissistic family dynamics from a couple of other channels, but YOU have brought my understanding full circle. Indeed, knowledge is power. I have proceeded with NO contact with my siblings, and am relieved.
Thanks so much for the feedback and well done on your recovery.
Wow, your story sounds just like mine. I severed ties in 2018, no parents living and walked away and left the siblings, the cousins and a large group of friends who I thought were friends but they really weren’t. They were just carrying on the same family sg dynamic. I still attract that same dynamic but at least I know the warning, signs of dismissiveness and ghosting and gaslighting and then their promises to be different but they get worse while wearing a smile. Least I now know the early warning signs and can just get out and door slam quickly. Sometimes I just don’t think there’s any reason to have a conversation with these people because they know what they’re doing. That’s the hook that keeps us tethered to them is they pretend not to know what they’re doing and blame it on us and tell us we’re too sensitive and we believe them and then they continue to treat us even worse. It’s a disgusting dynamic and I hope someday it could be criminalized especially in families to a little three-year-old who just wants love and to fit in.
I agree with u about it becoming criminalized…it should be…they have full intent to cause their victims harm in any way possible…what is required to constitute a crime is the intent….they have caused harm to another person with full intention to do so…it fits all requirements leading up to what’s considered a crime
Thank You Mary. Although I have been no-contact for a long time it is still easy to get triggered this time of year. You are a realist (thankfully so am I now), but I still remember the emotional turmoil that used to eat me up. Your community will be a life-line for so many. 💛
You are right. It does get lonely this time of year. Almost pulls us back into that toxic routine of self-blame etc. Only been fully No Contact from all family members for 2 years now and every now and then, you get a sense of loneliness from not having a genuine family. Mary seems to have done double the time in no contact then myself and I'm so proud of her for starting a channel to talk about these issues.
@@wonderfulwardy I agree that it's great that Mary is doing a great thing. Two years fully no contact is still early days Charlie. What a great help it is for you to have found yourself here. I look forward to getting to know you & moving forward with yourself & others here. 💛
I am the oldest step child. All my siblings got Christmas presents except me. I was told I could play with the younger ones toys
@@Maibluemchen12 This of course Jeri, says nothing about you as a child (or adult) but it speaks volumes about the lack of conscious parening from the care-givers around you. There is a huge insensitivity from them and a lack of awareness of your needs as a Child. Inner Child work can be very healing. Learning to re-parent myself has been a game-changer for me. That Child we have within us that didn't get its needs met can be nurtured & understood by us. This breaks the toxicity & unmet needs we endured back then. Our future can be so much better than our painful past. 💙
@@mariadodds2042 Thank you for your insight and support! You are AWESOME!
Wow, you certainly covered a lot. Yes, I watch my nephews, sadly observing. I did hope for change. Visited for Thanksgiving, and left earlier than I had intended...self care! Thank you. I think I can just accept the limits now... give up fantasy of togetherness. They are sargents in my parents army. As the scapegoat I actually am given the ability to "escape". Ironic.
I have gone no contact with parents, sieblings and the rest of the family. I am NEVER going back.
I spent two weeks in the recovery position in bed during sorting my mum’s house with my golden child sister after mum died. I have had a lot of realisations over the last few years about my family, especially my sister and my mother, but the sister dynamic has been incredibly hurtful and damaging and difficult to get my head around. I think I have found this video at just the right time because she is pretending to be nice to me again at the moment. I know it won’t last and I think it’s because she is floundering without her eternal cheerleader and enabler even though she had no empathy for mum when she was dying at all, mum propped her up and enabled her in so many ways. My sister admits I was the scapegoat and said she went along with it when we were kids because she was frightened of being treated like me- yet she has abused me in the same way and continues to. It’s the inconsistency in how they treat you that is utterly disabling and confusing isn’t it
Oh my goodness this is PERFECT for me to listen to.
So much validation 👏🏻
I told my therapist yesterday that my older brother (who is a therapist) that him and I were trauma bonded... and that is all.
He is the golden child and I have always been the scapegoat. What an eye opener.
Thank you for this video! May the Lord bless you🙏
Hi how are you doing?
Hi how are you doing?
I have been the scapegoat and bullied my whole life with the narcissists. I am a very lovely person who never was accepted, loved and cherished. There was also an element of religion with them that I did not share although I am a very spiritual person. They lied about me, connived behind my back with secrets and just destroyed whatever I had. It is still painful so many years later. Their jealousy was like an odor and their resentment like a mental volcano. I was isolated, abandoned and punished. The siblings were abusefully toxic yet their blaming and shaming was constant. I have no contact, so I lost relationships with their children who were taught that I was crazy. Thank you for your work. This whole dynamic is so hurtful. Peace to the World.
Thank you, Mary. It's good to feel understood.
my sister was eleven years old when I was born, followed by two brothers; nine and six. By the time I came along my sister had complete control of the family, because she was a very skilled manipulative anorexic and control freak, my parents both had low self esteem and confidence... so they did the bidding of my sister. Even on the day I was born her words were 'get rid of it, we don't want it here'... and she did try to kill me, by pushing the pram I was in down the stairs. So decades of abuse later... both parents die, of course I was the unappreciated carer of my parents and the siblings, led by my sister took my inheritance... So I haven't spoken to them for eleven years... lots of tears and trying to heal. Sadly now my partner has died, lost all my pets, lost lots of possessions and money and was nearly homeless... actually all the friends I thought I had were not actually friends at all.... so now I'm totally alone... Of course all friendships/relationships fell apart because it seems I have a flashing neon sign indicating 'scape goat' on my head... But the good news is... at least I'm not like any of them... and their toxic behavior has made me a better person... and slowly, a stronger person, so had I not been the scape goat... I would be exactly like them... horrific... and yes... sadly I developed an illness... usually brought on by years of trauma, stress and abuse... Now it's just me and Jesus Christ... He is all I have... amen.
thetheraine, I don't know what to say, your story is so painful!
All scapegoat stories are so sad and painful. It feels unreal!
I'm in the same boat and I know the feeling when you're wondering if you have a neon sign on your head. I'm glad you found Jesus!
@@dagmaranja888 - the good thing about pain is that you develop insight, you grow as a person... you are more understanding and kinder... and the joke is on the abusers, they never grow as a person, because they are stuck in their loop... they will never admit they are wrong, so they will never escape the loop. Let's hope next year the dark tunnel we've travelled in... finally opens up into the light at the end of it... and we can move on and enjoy our lives. Happy New Year and God Bless... amen.
I went home to visit my parents. I was weak because I will chronically ill. My parents went away on a short holiday. During that time my sister was verbally busing me day after day. I put my boundaries down by saying you can’t speak to me like that. When I put my boundaries down things got worse for me because I wasn’t in a safe space at the time. I ended up in hospital with a concussion and had to get scanned to check for internal bruising. The jealousy is so ugly it’s uncontrollable. I can never go to my childhood house. My mother hasn’t spoken to me since blaming me because I am the oldest. It’s crazy.
Many years ago when I was 21 I had gone to see my parents during the college holidays when the kitchen I worked in was closed for a couple of weeks and they had known I was visiting and had booked some time away in the Yorkshire dales in the days when I was visiting!
If they had booked those days ages in advance then fair enough I wouldn't have been cross but to do that when they knew I was coming up to stay close to those days I do feel was very naughty!
It was the same time when I got told I was weird for going out alone!
Amazing video. Mine was a quite dark experience. When I was younger she was very critical and would say the most awful things.
I later realized that she had been coaching my siblings on how to treat me and innuating that I was mentally unstable. And so my siblings whom I love had been secretly treating me different due to the secret smear campaigns.
My mother did all this so she could make me a son husband…when she started the covert emotional incest that was it for me!
5 years in , they know where I live the only sibling I was kinda close to has started hovering. I ignored and plan to move…. Out of the country.
Best of everything to you!
By far the most useful content segment I've seen so far (and I've watched A LOT of them). Been in therapy for 1.5 years now and this is really the most honest information I've gotten so far, basically, "once a scapegoat always a scapegoat". You have to cut ties and get away/move on. Thank you, it was important for me to hear this.
Thanks for this when no contact 8months ago could not cope anymore at 61 being the scapegoat for the whole family including inlaws .Already feel much stronger they made me feel the lowest of the low with reading and podcasts .The root of their behaviour is down to deep insecurity
Thank you, Mary
Validating and comforting. Please don’t burn yourself out looking after all of us. We appreciate you, this community.
You are worth other people's care and concern.
My son is an only child by design. I did not want him to grow up with the toxicity of sibling relationships because that was all that I knew.
The fact that you’ve never seen a client who had a healthy relationship with their sibling is telling.
Thank you Mary! It’s a sad tough situation and appreciate the validation and support. My sibling is a textbook narc and caused so much trauma
3:18 the sibling abuse got worse when surving parent went into a care home. But its the parent that is control. I'm glad I'm starting the process of removing myself.
This is possibly the best, most accurate video I’ve seen on the sibling abuse towards the scapegoat (I’ve watched many). Every point describes my experiences to a tee. Thank you!
Story of my life. I haven't understood their big, active part in this until now, i always expected them to understand and take my side if i explained the truth... I have went no contact with all of them, after being ostracized myself for decades, but this time it's My choice.
For me, it's gotten harder as I get older and love my early mermories, even the ones that hurt. Yet no sib or cousin to share them with. Too painful to see the continued bullying.
I am so thankful I have a brother who was treated as badly as me. We are friends and are able to validate our crappy upbringing. The middle child is the golden and is far gone in his delusions. I always tell my brother that we were the "lucky" ones. We're way better off than our other sibling, who is still emeshed with the parents.
Entering the second year of being totally rejected. Its always been a struggle but got real bad since my dad passed. My mother is 85. I'm 65 and getting better, but it still hurts terribly some days. I have two sisters who are downright hateful to me.
I have reached out birthday's, holidays and such. This is the year I will go no contact. Even my adult children shun me. It's cruel like death.
I have learned a lot from you, thank you..
When my brother abused me, my parents only became upset with me when I defended myself. They never stopped the abuse.
When I told my parents that my brother tried to kill me three times and tried to molest me, all when I was 12, my parents once again, were upset with me. My mother had the nerve to tell me that my brother was angry at me for telling them what he had done to me. They are so abusive.
I am no contact with them now. My dad passed away three years ago. I don’t plan on seeing these people again. I have a difficult time calling them family.
Thank you Mary. xxx
Thanks for an excellent video, I would say you can not only survive toxic and bullying siblings but you can Thrive....I am living proof of finding peace after going low contact, then emotionally and spiritually disconnecting and letting go ,which also allowed me to accept their passing as a graceful relief after years of being tortured my brother, without being bitter. I didn't experience sadness when he recently died and I am able to forgive him and his deeds without residual guilt or loss.....just a quiet relief.
It may sound terrible to say, but I know for certain I will feel some sense of relief when my older brother dies one day. He hated me from the moment I came out of the womb and tried to make my life a living hell anytime I was around him. You will never miss a person like that.
Excellent video and sadly this has been true for me. Can you do one on what to say when people ask about your family. People always ask and if you say you're not in touch the most common response is "what did you do" ( more shame/blame) or "you must stay in touch /make it work". I never see this covered on any vlogs. Thankyou
This has been so hard for me too. It just RE triggers me to have someone I admire tell me I just need to set my sisters straight like I haven’t already tried everything under the sun.
You don't owe anyone ANY explanation. After a simple, "I don't see them much" just walk away!
@@jbrown2908 great suggestion! Thank you!
@@jbrown2908 thanks that is a great suggestion
This is terrible, but it’s much easier to just say “I’m an only child and my parents are both deceased”. Leaves no room to keep asking about your family. The average person simply does not understand how hard it is to walk away from your entire family.
I think scapegoats tend to be the ones who can see the truth of the family's system; cheap intimacy between members at another's expense, and tacit, unconditional siding of one member with another, regardless of who's right and wrong/refusal to ever criticise that sibling. I'm the 'ill' (for ill read lazy!) one in my family, and yet there's a broad refusal, even within the extended family of anyone to put a name to it or acknowledge it as real or having a solid cause. I love my folks, but there needs to be a reckoning. The penny only dropped with me after 20+ years of counselling, just the other week that my father has driven a wedge between my younger brother and me since we were kids. It's time to finally have 'the talk' with my brother to see if there's anything worth salvaging. It's time because he's ignored me pretty consistently since he left home almost 20 years ago. He had his first child in February, and since then I've been reproached for not being the attentive, delighted, gushing aunt. I just can't, and it's brought it all to a head for me. We've only ever had shouting marches before (my dad's default method of communication), so it may go awry, but I have to try before giving up. He remains basically unhealed also, but is outwardly 'normal/respectable/credible'. Perhaps if some truths could be acknowledged in a civil exchange, their could finally be some healing for both of us.
The best of good luck to you, Jenny.
@@dawnpokemontrainer Thanks. I'm gna need it, I think! Happy Christmas : )
@@jennytaylor3324 Happy Christmas to you and yours.
Thanks for saying how it really is with family members
These videos are so helpful. Ty. I feel jealousy is a big problem with them. The whole situation is tragic. I thought I was the only one who suffered this. So many years wasted.
I appreciate ypur videos. You explain things so well. What blows my mindis that you are the spitting image of my aunty, who doesn’t speak to me lol. (I am cut off from the family). You look just like her, yet you are so nice!
Thank you for this truth! I'm 67yo now and this sounds like my life!
I’m glad my fraternal twin brother and I always had each other’s backs. Our older siblings picked on us, but they also defended us if we were picked on, typical siblings dynamic.
Thank you 🙏 this is so real and although it’s sad you’re giving real coping skills for how to proceed with family that operates this way.
You are in an abusive relationship and don't even realize it, this is exactly it. I was always a Firestarter and pushed against the status quo. When I became a young adult and naturally started to spread my wings, the abuse ramped up to a crazy level. Something as simple as going out on a date led to arguments, verbal abuse etc. I definitely pushed back and let everyone know to mind their business. This is when I realized how dysfunctional my family really was. I had no support, my brother was abusive and my other brothers stood by silently. I'm glad I received my wake up call in my 20s as opposed to my 60s or 70s - they are not apart of my inner world and I am low contact - it's for the best. Great video Mary!
Thank you so much for helping those realize what happened. It makes perfect sense.