Sibling Abuse: Help Them, or "Break Up" With Them?
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- Опубліковано 17 тра 2022
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We know parents can traumatize their children, even into adulthood. What's common in family where abuse and neglect occurred is emotional abuse by siblings, as well. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is "the functional one" in her family, and who has tried for decades to improve her relationship with her brother, to the point that she may actually be damaging his trust in her. Can the relationship be saved?
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Sibling abuse is a topic that needs to be addressed more. Thank you for this.
Agreed!
Definitely. I am still going through sibling abuse right now.
Facts 💯. Especially in a single parent home
@@warrenbradford2597 I pray 🙏 that God will take you through it. It's not a good feeling
@@bw5762 I know. Thank you.
The worst is when one parent is a narcissist, your older sibling is a narcissist, and you spend your life taking shit from BOTH of them!
Been there done that. Divorced my sibling after the death of our mother. Divorced my other sibling when I was 14 and he got married. There is freedom!
When I was little, I thought it was weird to see other siblings open up to and support eachother. Says a lot about my shitty sibling dynamics. :(
Sounds like you're in the right place, we're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I totally relate. I remember going to my friend Annes’s house and how we had so much fun playing with her older sister Katie and I thought how odd it was to be friends with your sister.
i am grieving this
Yep. Even now when I see siblings hug or hang out with eachother or genuinely enjoy eachothers company I get pangs
Same. I don’t understand happy families. I’m constantly on guard because of the emotional abuse I took from my family, even as an adult.
Needing to distance/cut from a toxic sibling SUCKS. But, there has to be a line drawn. Your dysfunction is not my problem and I will not tolerate it to my detriment. Family is people that love and care for you. These are the people who deserve loyalty. Relatives share blood. If the love is not there, do NOT feel obligated to stick around.
Agreed! I have a couple family members similar to the one in this letter. I’ve tried to set boundaries and show tough love to them, but other family members can’t resist swooping in to enable them and support their false narrative and inability to take accountability. I have to love them from a distance, because we can’t love people into doing things they’re not prepared or ready to do.
I actually don't think it sucks. I had to cut ties with a physically and emotionally violent older sibling. He's almost a foot taller than I am and he's built like a football player. Cutting ties with him after he started screaming at me was the best thing I could have done. I was liberated. No more fear of physical attacks. No more belittling comments and being on the receiving end sabotaging behavior. Being afraid for my physical safety sucks. Being treated like a mistake who doesn't deserve to be alive sucks. Having peace of mind is everything. We can't choose family. But we can chose partners and friends. That's where the gold is. If a person is born into a loving family, that's great and is a blessing. But it shouldn't be expected.
Exactly, why I have friends who are like family. Healthy people who help bring me peace. Journey sucks to cut them off. You are right no obligation to be in their life.
@@MsBettyRubble I agree with you cutting ties to love and respect and care for yourself totally. I did the same; but I think what was meant by it sucks is that it sucks that a family member needs to be escaped from and it sucks that family does not have our back. It sucks for me and it hurts!
It's hard..we are cutting ourselves off from our childhood..but that childhood wasn't good..damn! I thought I was happily healing..not quite..
When family betrays you and makes you feel dumb all the time, it makes you trust no one..I’m way too sensitive to be in a toxic family
I recently realized we are not ‘’too sensitive’’. We are normal. Its them who aren’t. They made you believe you are too sensitive to be healthy because they are narcissist and will never apologize for hurting you.
It’s not so much the sibling abuse, but my parents blaming me for the abuse, not standing up for me when the abuse happened, and forcing me to interact with this sibling despite the abuse.
Exactly my story that you're describing here
Me too @@GuitarMatt
How did you deal with this? Sounds like me. I mean my story
@@bbyutzz sorry if this is your story too. I know how difficult it can be. I tolerated their behavior for too many years. I have ni contact with them anymore.
I stopped contact with both my siblings. One was physically abusive to me and the other verbal. It’s made such a huge impact on healing my cptsd!
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same. Good for you!
I don’t have physical abuse but that sounds terrible, hope you’re doing better now
Sometimes it’s just time to let go - abuse is not ok.
Exactly
As a dude, I agree, because at some point it becomes obvious all they want you to do is fight for the sake of getting you into a fight and portraying you as the "bad" guy (or girl)
These dysfunctional & complex sibling relationships deserve to be talked so much more. Thank you so much for this. It gave me a lot to think about.
Wish I could give this a million likes. I searched "parentification & sibling abuse" and there's hardly anything 😔)
Thank you for this. Walked away from my brother when my Mom died in 2017. He was my abuser in childhood and walking away was the best decision I made. I swallowed his behavior until my mid 50's . I'm now dealing with the damage done to me and it's compounded by the fact that my parents didn't protect me. Walking away may be the only way to heal. Just because your abuser(s) are "family" doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. If I never see my brother or his family again will be just fine with me.
Same
@@Hope-bk8nw Same
Good for you!
Imagine that he has died and then what ????
If you can convince that still you would be fine and stick to this stance , then surely he had done enough to push you to this zone... Please stay there.
You can never come back to normal with him either ways...
Lots of love to you.
Wow, your walk-away story is almost identical to mine. I finally had had enough of my abusive sibling after my mother died, and my parents didn’t protect me either. My mother even allowed my sibling’s abuse and they often joined forces together.
My older sister likes to make me feel ashamed about myself and she would spit in my face and tell me I'm nothing. I never understood why. The emotional and verbal abuse has diminished parts of myself and I've lived an isolated life. I began to suppressed who I am and dimmed my light so she wouldn't target me. I hope I can heal the pain and reverse the psychological damage. 🧡
This sounds exactly like my situation with my older sisters. I too dimmed my light, and have lived an isolated life. I am 48 and have no friends.
@@BLE000 me too. But i"ve found a friend in Jesus. 💌
She is the ugly one with the black heart. You are good, just remember that what you think about you matters more than what others think about you.
Be kind to yourself, self-compassion, self-love, self-acceptance is the way through. Was your mother or father (or both) complicit in your sisters abuse? Was she taking subtle instructions from a parents to mistreat you, quite often this is the source of things, and the sibling has been encouraged and rewarded for mistreating the scapegoat.
Narcissist parents orchestrate sibling rivalry so there is no support for the scapegoat, even from their brothers and sisters.
omg me too
wow - I feel this so much
I really needed this - had to walk away due to sibling dysfunction and abuse
Me too, i had several outbursts....believe it or not my sister (who is like Cersei in Gme of Thrones or Margarer Thatcher lol) has actually reached out & i see her being afraid of me not being a part of her life any longer , mostly because her children loves me.
I called her out on her harshness & self centredness, & being degraded every time i was around her. Lo & behold i am really really astonished, because she never NEVER swallows her pride or acknoledges her faults, but critizes others, she has been the Alpha in our family & been worshipped by all.
And i have been the slave in every group dynamic. Ppl have been used to me being a scavenger & being ok woth the scraps from everyone. Except for now ive had enough of the inferior treatment, does not matter if it's friend or foe any longer. Im done eating shit.
Call them out & just have some distance, both physically & energetically. They will hopefully ha e some time for introspection.
Leave at that. And see if things have chabed when the storm has passed by you both :) good luck.
I love my family, but just because they are that, does not mean it is healthy or should be accepted, in fact speaking up agsinst bad behaviour or address problens is a sign of love i think because it helps the person to improve or situations solved :)
So did I. No regrets.
Me, too. Best decision I ever made.
Good for you - stay strong
I am the youngest from a family of seven and my narcissistic mother turned me into the emotional garbage can while I was a very young adolescent. I put up with this for forty years until I finally walked away. Wish I walked away years ago, best thing I ever done.
I'm so happy and sad to see that other people have endured sibling abuse too. I'm so glad because I'm not alone.
You are certainly not alone!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sounds like me and my sister. I regret my accidental passive aggressive silences. I never told her how uncomfortable I felt with her drunken calls. Her inappropriate comments. I found her awful, but never said, I avoided her scary agressive outbursts. She bullied me horribly so I stepped back. She thougt we were fine, even close. I never told her anything about my life. She didn't notice. If I opened I knew she would use it at some point and twist it up...
Very sad...
U were appropriate and smart. Thanks for sharing!
😢
@@musicandpoetry_8 I've given up analsing or judging. I just focus on my well being. She isn't part of my life and I am at peace with that. I don't let abusive people into my world now. Sister or not, I deserve better. And these days I have a chosen family. I am blown away by what true living kindness is. My chosen family are loving and kind. I have new sweet and thougtful sisters now.
I hope my birth sister finds happiness. But I am not putting myself in emotional danger by being in her world. Not every one is a picture book sister. But unless you have experienced the horrors of what is abuse entails, it's hard to get your head around.
Sounds just like my sister
Thanks for sharing. It describes my relationship with my brother, minus the drinking.
Sitting at the dinner table with everyone, will always have some kind of odd atmosphere no matter how old we get.
After reading your comment I realized it.
That's so true!😮
Same!
It is very difficult to move away from biological family members. We are wired biologically and societally to want closeness with those people we share DNA with. However, when those family members are unhealthy and dysfunctional.., it is in our best interest to not drag ourselves through the mud and suffer. Many times abusive family members would not ever apologize or take responsibility for their behavior. And if you let them they will keep walking all over you and then turn around and say you are the abuser not them. At some point you have to put your happiness and well-being as number one.
That's right. They NEVER apologize. I'm thinking 🤔 'low contact ' vs NO contact.
Narcissists never will never admit how they hurt their siblings , if they’re mentally ill and narcissists, it’s a lethal combination. I had that. It is far better to cut ties no matter how much it hurt. I was tired of being ostracized and abused.
@@susiflorence6960 i did low contact for 15 years or so and 4 1/2 years ago, I went no contact with parents and siblings. It's been tough but I know this decision is the right one so I'm going to stick it out.
Yes it’s a must…. Someone once said the deeper love the deeper hurt. It can be so painful to continue to deal with when they are toxic. Repeated hurt.
My brother is a narc with anger issues. I won't get into a car alone with him. I've always been his target of choice since we were teenagers. I feel better when he's not around.
I've been the scapegoat , abused my whole life , I NEED TO CHANGE....I CANT EXPECT/WAIT FOR THEM TO CHANGE.
Accountability is such a huge topic. Some people will never be accountable for their actions. Sad.
Oh, yeah! I walked out
and I haven't looked back. My sibling is very abusive. I will not endure the bad behavior.
People need to understand that blood is not a right to abuse, neglect, discriminate. Your only responsibility in this life unless you have a child that under 18, is your own health. You are not responsible for other peoples happiness or health. We who are born into toxic families with narcissists/addicts have often codependency. If you want a life of calm/peace then get these people out of your life ( no contact regime), or grey rock. It`s impossible to have a mature/grown conversation with people who act as entiteled children.
Cut them out, don`t look back. Don`t explain your self. And don`t ruminate about them. They are never gonna change. And the sad part they have never loved you. And the " nice parts" of their character was simply the mask of lovebombing ( push pull manipulation). We can never change them. They can never understand.
So true sadly, no matter what I do it’s always on spiral. But learning to let go and having solid boundaries.
My siblings and I were raised to be competitive and combative with each other. I have no idea what it feels like to have a loving sibling relationship. I have had several loving friends and a few loving family members so for that I am very grateful.
Thanks for sharing. Glad you're here.
Nika@TeamFairy
I am glad that you have at least some people that care about you around you and I hope you will always have them.
Unfortunately, it isn’t my case, my sisters are cruel with me and hate me… my parents are never helping me… and because of my parents very severe attitude I couldn’t make friends. I was never allowed to go on my friends birthday, nor go in their homes or just hang outside with them. The only moment, I could hang out with them was at school… with manny I mange to convince them to let me hang with my friends outside ( now I have the right, but only once a year or two.. even when I hang out with them the only time during the year, once I come back at home, my parents are saying things like I am doing wrong, that it is the last time that they let me hang outside with my friends…
And because of all that, I am no longer close with my friends… I lost almost all my friends.
Also my parent also lets my little sister go to her friends birthday, while a week before they refuse to let me go to my friends party ( she got a new apartment ) saying that she wasn’t in the same religion and they might be people drinking alcool and doing weird stuff….
Today, I have no one to talk to…
I feel so alone and pitiful… At work, everyday, I tell myself that I am good.
I tried to stay calm.
But I feel so pitiful, because my sisters are all together making fun of me for not having any friends and for being alone in the family ( like none of them talk to me )…
I am just tired of all this…
Sometimes I managed to forget this and to feel better, and others times I get so emotional, and it hurt….
I would LOVE more on sibling abuse. My sister, just 15 months younger than me, was my biggest bully at school. Nothing that other girls did to me compared to the torment she brought to my high school years.
Noted :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same here! My 1 and 1/2 year older brother. It feels worse than school bullies because you CANNOT escape. And no one will help you because he’s part of the family. It’s easier to blame the victim than actually deal with the monster.
Where are the parents? If my offspring were abusing each other, I would make sure they got help in dealing with the situation. Where are the adults???
@@malkaz9167 dad left to pursue his own thing and new women (mind your brother learned the abuse from my dad anyway!) Mom was preoccupied with my oldest brother being in and out of jail, prison, and being a heroin addict. :/ She couldn’t handle it all so she just pretended it was happening. But she feels so bad now and tells me sorry all the time.
@@malkaz9167As a 50-year old guy, IMHO, those Baby Boomers choose not to be "the adult in the room" and are the most SELF-overrated generation ever!
Yes sibling abuse doesn’t get talked about, it’s all about narcissistic parents, my sister publicly humiliated me and because I was upset with her and told her how I felt, I was ostracised by my whole family and called crazy 😂 and to this day I still get treated like a second class citizen I have recently decided I am done with the abuse and I am going to go no contact but it has been the most upsetting experience I have ever been through
I very much relate to this! It’s awful
Same...
This is same as mine. Our parents provided materialistically but emotionally none. I was the one who is emotional and spoke out about it and they ostracized me. I worked on having a relationship wth mom because i was excluded feom evryything. Now they blame that i am the one separating mom from them. But i feel that mom is closer to me because I am more of the caring one. I developed anxiety from souch hatred and anger from how i was treated. Till now I live with two of them and mom. And everyday feels so heavy
@@mooonslight I feel your pain, my sister actually ruined my life by causing me to fall out with all with my friends after she posted something I told her in confidence on social media, and I was the crazy one for being emotional about that, I am still close with my mum but she is also toxic and contributes to the stress most of the time, I do everything for her but she still looks at my brother and sister like they're angels even though she barely gets a phone call from them, it is extremely frustrating and hurtful, hang in there and go no contact if you have to, it is not worth the pain
@@dmvvideos7672 ohhh that must have felt so upsetting and frustrating...i feel you.. glad u recognize all that they have done and its impact on your mental health.. choose your wellness above anything or anyone else
I stopped talking to my siblings over 3 years ago, and I have a lot more peace in my life now. Idc if someone is related to me or not. If theyre toxic and abusive, theyre gone.
Yep, I was surprised how easy it was and by the crazy amount of relief I felt. I thought it was gonna be a new emotionnal rollecoaster but no... It tells it all !
My brother was horribly abusive towards me my entire life. Mostly emotional. I couldn’t wait to cut him out of my life but I had to wait until my mom passed away. She never did anything to help me and insisted that I just forgive him and ignore him and take it. I haven’t seen him in 7 years and I’m MUCH better off. Family sucks.
Going no contact has been the single most painful act I’ve ever had to take; yet the most brilliantly rewarding and liberating outcome. I still have occasional thoughts of guilt, and pain, and minor ruminations. But it does get easier. Because we free up space within us to full our own lives with goodness and no pain.
Triangulation. Constantly reminding siblings, I'm no longer a child in a narc hierarchy. Our individual relationships with our parents doesn't require their 3rd person unsolicited input. Emotional blackmail & invalidation is still employed in adulthood to leverage narc mothers narrative. It's challenging to build one on one adult relationships with siblings when those toxic patterns of golden, scapegoat & invisible child are still being employed. (Grey rocks - cultivated a peaceful & calming zen rock garden).
Flower 🌹 🌺
Lol 👏👏👏
Been struggling to grey rock as effectively and humanely as possible. The concept of cultivating a peaceful and calming zen rock garden is a beautiful meditation/visualization tool. THANK YOU. 💜
Well said. Totally get this post. Thanks
I tried grey rocking. My BPD or NPD (she hasn’t gotten a formal diagnosis) older sister and her flying monkeys of her 3 adult children and my sister who lives next door to me have stepped up their toxicity, apparently I’m responsible for her feelings that she’s having around having a sibling that won’t engage with her, and now I must suffer. She also doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to go to lunch with her after she’s spent years lying about me, saying horrible things to me, and destroying every family event for decades to the point where I went home crying from every single holiday or function that she was involved in. Including my own wedding. Grey rocking just won’t work. I am envious that you can grey rock and have some sanity. Going absolutely no contact is my only recourse. Of course she has now tried to take control over the situation and informed people that SHE has decided not to talk to ME anymore, that I’m all kinds of evil, etc. There’s only a little part of me that wants to clear this up, and the rest of me knows that it doesn’t matter as long as she is no longer in my life.
My motto for my older toxic sister & brother: Anything you say can and will be twisted and used against you.
I was always happier when they weren't in my life much. The only healthy option for me is to go no contact and not keep getting drawn back into associating with them. Their "love"is all fake & phony.
We're all sending you our support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am the youngest of 4 sisters and yes, I have experienced sister abuse. They didn't have a clue, of course. Nonetheless, there were years in my healing that I stayed away from them. When I was more clear and stronger in my growth I could be around them more, but I never fully enjoy it. Distance is the only way sometimes. I used to feel guilt or frustration but now I don't feel either. I am free from that childhood responsibility in trauma.
I am the youngest of 3 sisters from Narc parents that had really & truly horrific childhood trauma. All 3 of us had completely different childhoods. The eldest is 5 years older than me, middle sis is 2 years older. By the time the eldest turned 10, I think my Mom felt,” Well, that’s good enough. I’ve done enough parenting. I’m gonna live for myself now.” 😳 Latch key kid since kindergarten 👋🏻 Mom guilted the oldest into parenting the 2 younger ones, which she resented. And so, she use to torture us. She was always mad, yelling, smacking, starving us. When she wanted to ride her bike with friends, my mother made her take us along 🙄she’d tell her “And I’m holding you responsible if ANYTHING should happen to them!!” She was a child herself. That is extremely unfair to do to your children. My middle sister use to get hurt on purpose so the eldest would get in trouble. I guess in her lil mind, that was payback for her being so mean to us. This day & age, both my parents would have been arrested for child neglect, but I think most parents were just like that back in the 70’s/80’s from what I’ve heard.
@@soozshooz I was born in 1969, and am a latch key kid raised by television. Neglect is awful. Healing a little bit every day but it just sucks.
I remember finally asking my brothers to stop my new stepdad from smacking me repeatedly in my head and them laughing saying I deserved it and it was my job to clean up after all of them being a girl.
@@kat8838I am SO SORRY YOU DIR NOT GET THE SUPPORTING FROM OTHERS 😢😢😢❤❤❤
I am the youngest also of 4 sisters. I have struggled my whole life trying to get along with them and it never works. It’s toxic for me and lonely but I am staying away from them. Sick of being hurt my whole entire life!
I have estranged both my sisters and it has been one of the best and most liberating things I have done in my life.
I really cannot fathom how I have been capable to endure decades of abuse and why I haven't cut ties with them earlier.
Good for you! Same situation here.
A story many of us had here. You are not alone. I cut ties with both sister and brother only months ago. I am 59 and wasted all that time I could cry. The brother is a vindictive manipulative user of people and the sister was Machiavellian and made me believe for decades she was on my side. When I finally called her out she went off the rails and then ghosted ME!
Oh yes and forgot to mention. The father was a big time narc. The shouting kind. And my mother lacks warmth and is caustic. Often wondered whether she just had cptsd herself or whether she also is a covert narc. And I am the only empath. Stupid not to have let go of them all earlier….😢
My brother has been abusive to me into the adulthood. When we shared a room in our early 20's , he casually hit me ,but at that time, I don't realize what happened between us were abuse or so called domestic violence as I had grown up getting used to being his violent conducts against me . I even thought that it was a part of a typical brother-sister relationship, The misogynistic family values may have deeply affected our way of thinking. In August 2023, my brother suddenly showed up during my homecoming and was about to punch me in the face when I said No to his absurd order-to divorce my husband.
My mom, who witnessed what had just happened in front of her , said it was my fault for being disobedient to my older brother. That was the most devastating thing for me -- to painfully learn my mom has never been able to equally love her son and daughter-AKA my brother and me...
@@ccdm515 I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you to protect yourself both mentally and physically. In my case, I made what my brother has done to me in public by reporting that to the police, sharing the story to friends I really trust. Like your situation, my brother hasn't beaten his wife, as far as I know. Sister-beaters are bunch of cowards.
"You're not describing boundaries, you're describing criticism" is a powerful distinction.
My father neglected me and my siblings after my mom died when i was 12, but I attribute +90% of my cptsd symptoms to my brother. It was so hard, but cutting off ties to my emotionally/verbally abusive older brother was one of the first and most pivotal step in my healing journey. Thank you Fairy, for shedding light on traumas that get so easily overlooked. I'm still waiting for forgiveness to show up like a soft snowfall, but finding this channel has been such a safe, validating, and challenging place for me to work on my healing/growth ❤
@@Ikr2025 I'm so sorry for the pain you've gone through ❤. I remember feeling so much shame around my family dynamics and at the same time believing things were "normal". Learning the term "crap fit" here has really spoken to me lol
"forgiveness...like a soft snowfall"...that might be one of the most peaceful, comforting phrases I have ever heard. In fact, there is very little like walking through the winter woods in a heavy snowfall, especially one that is quiet and slow.
Once I understood how my abusive sister and her husband were wired (narcissistic), it gave me the ability to forgive as I know they will never change. I struggled for years to forgive, but couldn't release the anger I felt for the decades of verbal abuse and smear campaign (to my mother and others) until I learned that they were narcissistic. Soon I will never have contact with them ever again as our parents' estate is almost settled. Forgiving is truly freedom from them. Even going no contact will not be true freedom until forgive is found. Keep working on the forgiveness.
When you said “It’s unkind,” really triggered me. I do love my sister, but the situation that finally caused the break after decades of abuse, I was not kind. Maybe I should feel sorry, but for once, I don’t. I’m done being the scapegoat and done taking the abuse.
You get to feel however you feel :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Finally! It’s always “how to know if your siblings are abusive” like if I didn’t know that I wouldn’t search for how to deal with abusive siblings. I’ve been talking about it on TikTok, I finally have stated that I identify as an only child.
I like that.
I used to refer to my brother in law, who was still married to my sister when he died in his 80s, as "my sister's future ex-husband." I called him that for at least 40 years....
Older brother 10 years my senior did everything he could do to make me feel small. Abused me daily for the first 20+ years of my life and continues to treat me with passive aggressive resentment. I have never felt supported by him never had any uplifting words or encouragement. I struggle daily with my self worth and it's hard for me not to have resentment to him and view him as pathetic for treating me the way he did since I was little. It was as if the devil taught him how to destroy my self esteem
My brother does the same thing too ......I really can't stand it....he hurts me everyday and I can't live through that humiliation anymore
I was the scapegoat in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional system . I promise you , the golden child did things that are unspeakable and is still golden. No matter what I do , I'm Satan as far as the system goes.
Tragically , my siblings TRY to be fair ...but under stress or duress , their default is that I'm the bad one
It's been hard and the distance has grown
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I hear you.
Family is a lot of pain
TRY to be fair?
Or: try to look like they are fair
Or: want to think of themselves as being fair
Which is it, Jackie?? All of them?
Or, does it hinge more towards the latter two...
What, to you, is trying?
Please let me know so that I can better understand your experience.
@@SuspiriaX
I don't know their deep motives .
Who knows , maybe they're right and I'm evil .
There is serious violence perpetrated by sick siblings and parents that know but just don't care or don't want to deal with it.
When I was a kid and a young adult, I wanted nothing more than to have a sibling so I could have someone to love and protect more than I did for myself and so I had a witness to the hell we endured. The older I get, the more I realize the possibility that sibling could have experienced a totally different childhood than me, or even become a second abuser…a reflection of mom. The closest I had was my lifelong best friend who witnessed a lot of the abuse. When I was going through the worst of it with my NMom when she had dementia and was regularly trying to beat me up in front of my kids, my so-called bff actually said to me…”It wasn’t that bad for you”. I stopped trusting her after that.
We can’t choose our parents or our sibling, but we CAN choose our BFF’s & if you are an only child, that person IS your sibling. I think it must hurt you more, that THEY invalidated you, turned & betrayed you. You lost your sibling & BFF all in 1 fell swoop! 💔
I'm sorry that happened
SheWho, we often find friends that are also disloyal towards us... I have experienced this over and over... it is probably I think because we still crap fit to try to have some friendships and we accept crumbs.... I rather be alone now. I did that far too long and it also harmed me.
I had a brother three years older than me who started drinking as a teenager. Misogyny was ingrained in the culture, religion, etc., in which my parents and our family grew up in. My brother never missed an opportunity to criticize me to my face and behind my back to my mother. He delighted in laughing at my discomfort; his goal was to humiliate whenever possible. Out of the blue one evening he put his face up close to mine and instructed me to hit him so he could "kill me." My father, who didn't drink but came from an alcoholic family dynamic, also had a penchant for making fun of me in front of others, although he was not nearly as relentless about it. He also threatened to "kill" me "as soon as look at me" when I stood up to him one time. Both my brother and father were consummate mansplainers; they were right about everything and if they just set me straight I would fall in line, apparently. Of course, I didn't have the vocabulary or awareness of what was going on; I only knew something was very wrong in how I was being treated, but I still ended up internalizing much of it. I am still astounded to this day that both my father and older brother were so threatened by a sensitive little girl that they felt justified in their emotional abuse and in crushing a female child's spirit in order to keep her in her place. I had more insight and courage than both of them combined.
That’s weak asf dude. My god. I’m sorry you endured that abuse. It’s always nice to leave people like that it feels freeing doesn’t it? ❤sending you love and light and blessings!!
A child's innocence can be powerful.
They can still see clearly. They can see through all the bs.
To someone with a serious ego problem, a little girl is going to be véry intimidating.
I went through this with my younger sister. We haven't spoken in over a year. There have only been 2 years of our whole lives when we weren't in contact and both came when she hurt me so bad I had to remove myself. The first time I took space was over a decade ago and we only started talking again because she needed my help escaping an abusive relationship--she never apologized and I never asked her to. Five years ago we started living together and I realized that all of the closeness that "we" had been building was based on lies that went unnoticed because we were living far apart for several years. All of these truths started slapping me in the face--the extent of her addictions, her lying to her therapist, and her treatment of me when we were in close quarters could only be classified as abusive. Not only abusive, but abusive in the exact way we were abused as children (minus the hitting). I tried and tried to heal my part in our dynamic (once I realized I never should have been her mother figure and it wasn't something to be proud of or identified with) and started to work out my codependence, but she wouldn't budge. She liked our dynamic the way it was--having an emotional support sister mom/enabler/punching bag/scapegoat/best friend. She never once held space for my pain or even my joy, she only criticized my "perfection." I could never tell if she was being malicious or just monumentally self-involved. Finally, I tried to have a real conversation about my feelings and she went OFF on me, just like that time I tried to share my feelings 10 years ago. I could physically feel my heart breaking. I haven't been in contact since and I can honestly say I've never felt better. I miss her, I miss having someone who shares my history, I miss our secret language and inside jokes. I pray for her healing and send her love every day, but this is the only way I can love her without feeling resentful. I need authenticity and emotional intimacy in my relationships--and I just don't trust her enough.
So sorry. I had a similar situation with a friend and that was hard enough.
Britt, thank you for sharing your story... you have put in words my story with my sister, she is younger and the dynamic is the same. You know, I realized that what has kept me accepting her into my life was the fact that I couldn't say if she was malicious , self-centered or borderline. After years and years of "babysitting " I had to cut out her completely out of my life. It hurts, especially because now I have an adorable nephew that I don't get to see but I know for certain that I am better off without her or my N Mom.
Britt Cannon, she doesn t deserve your trust... you did the right thing walking away. I did that too and it hurts my heart to say I have zero family, but I had to stop taking all the garbage, abuse and destroying myself to have family. The price was too high! Wishing you lots of love and healing! God bless!
Wow! All of this including the secret language is totally familiar to me! Clearly in reading the comments this is not an unusual dynamic. We can only change/heal ourself. I was having a imaginary relationship with an imaginary sister, I have had to face some sad realities, because our family relationships were so fractured and emotionally harmful l had thought we were like the 3 Musketeers.. all for one and one for all’ I refused to see the realty of her behaviour, it was as though I just couldn’t assimilate it, I didn’t want to believe that she wanted to hurt me, that she ill -wished me.. it’s a work in progress I always tried to reason and explain things to her. Not anymore , I don’t think she understands what’s happened , as I’m just going about my life, there is no resolution just acceptance, no expectation of change. There is some peace to be had in that.
Thank you for writing about your experience - as other’s have said - it sounds like we have the same sister…
I gave my frail, elderly mom a beautiful hand-made afghan. So, my sibling had to promptly get rid of it, the next day. This is the tip of iceberg of many years of set-ups & discards.
Same thing with my sister. When I give something to our mother, she needs to upgrade it. If I keep something at my mother's house, she needs to haul it to the curb. Fortunately, a good friend has a sister who does the same, so we can laugh about it together.
I was just ruminating on what my brother did to me. This video came at a perfect timing. I was body shamed extremely at the hands of my brother and my mother always enabled that behaviour. She never stopped him and only interfered at the end whenever she felt like it. She was the one triangulating the entire house against things about me which were not true. I don't know how far sibling rivalry goes but what he did to me was just unacceptable.
Wow! Sounds like my family of origin.
Sounds very similar to my experience, including mom’s participation and enabling. Absolutely sickening. So sorry this happened to you.
Was it sibling rivalry or something more? That sounds also like a jilted lover - this is twisted, but if he viewed you as “better than” him (ie just the fact alone you had more integrity than them, even if they wouldn’t admit it), he may have compared you and been reminded of the other girls he wouldn’t get in his life time.
The body shaming is weird. It COULD have happened in a vacuum, but it’s as if you threatened his masculinity knowing that he could never “have you” and tore you down accordingly (even though you’re his sister anyway… it’s taboo, but brothers can on some level be attracted to their sister, in a gross power dynamic way, not because he actually loved you).
Sorry, that sounds so mind bending awful to grow up in 😪
@@irisgreene4175 That's something I never thought of before so thanking you in anticipation for shedding light on this behaviour. He always had negative connotation towards my boyfriends and tried to shame me for being in relationship or even going so far to shame my friends. He asked me to take down my creative blog site where I used to post about day to day habits of self care. He didn't ask, he threatened me to take it down. Using loud noises and violent behaviour at that, a fit of rage that was terrifying me to death. So much that I used to hide myself in my room whenever he came. That angered him even more and that's how the abusive cycle went on
I have extreme resentment towards him for stealing my teenage years from me, thanks to him I also have an eating disorder and feel extremely anxious whilst communicating with people. When I express to my mother how broken I feel and how I keep ruminating his voice in my head, she dismissed the whole thing by saying that I am simply jealous of him and that's why I can't stand him. I felt resentment towards my parents at times because they never interfered or stopped this behaviour of his. My father did interfere but even he was eventually silenced by my mother and made to play a more submissive role, he was silenced to the point that last year he couldn't communicate with his own family about how much of pain he was in and so he committed suicide. After his death, the abuse cycle went ahead 5 times more and I was humiliated not once or twice but occasionally or on a daily basis. Forms of humiliation included 1) Insults and violent behaviour infront of other people'/distant relatives to show them that they both have power over me. 2) Not a single word of appreciation but speaking to me in ways which shows that they're giving orders. Always ordering me around.
4) My mother shaming me for my father's death, telling me that I wasn't good enough and so father killed himself. Making me feel like I am responsible for my father's choice of killing himself.
5) My brother asking my thin/slimmer sister infront of me if she feels proud of herself now that Rani (my name) is obese.
6) My mother accusing me of stealing money from her and getting her sister to rile up on me as well.
Letting her sister know how much I steal from my mother.
I can actually write an entire book about the abuse but thankyou for the comment.
My mother, sister and two brothers insulted me constantly and when I became a little older and boys started flocking to me like crazy I was so confused because I was convinced I was very ugly. Too tall, too skinny, flat chested, nobby kneed, etc., etc...it never stopped and to this day as an adult although I still get lots of male attention I still feel somehow I am unattractive compared to others and never will measure up... the damage was done!
Sounds like she's better off just not having a relationship with her brother and ignoring him ....
OMG, OMG, OMG i'm holding my breath! In the prior videos I tapped into the source of my CPTSD...my brother!
Hace al rededor de 9 años dejé de hablarle a mi padre y mis dos hermanos. Tardé mucho en tomar la desición, pero mi vida floreció en todos los sentidos. Lo único de lo que me arrepiento es no haberlo hecho antes. Me alegro tanto de haber tomado esa desición, bien por mi❣
Muy bien hecho, Amor. Yo estoy pasando por ello y me alegra un poco ver, escuchar, de ti, que se puede hacer y que sere liverada... No sabia que esta terapeuta entiende Ingles. Bueno de saber mas. 🙏🧘♂️👋👆💪☺️😘😘😘
@@mariadiez7165 es como atravesar un túnel pero al final te reencontraras contigo ♥️❤️💜 mucho ánimo y fuerza 🌈
Awesome. Courageous.
The only sibling i have left i have gone no contact. I suspect serious narcissistic traits. They caused alot of damage. I just can't pretend anymore.
I see family as the production line of a factory that produces "human beings". There is no need to remain close to each other, just as two cars that are produced consecutively separate to their own ways. You are definitely better off without a family member that treats you worse than a stranger. Would this brother make a neighbor suffer like this?!!!
I like this way of looking at things..
good question... they do treat strangers far better than they treat us.
Right! Then they start a SMEAR CAMPAIGN and paint you as the "villain."
When my brother, who at the age of 60 was still spongeing off our mother, persuaded her to leave her whole estate to him, and then tried to kill me in a car crash, …. yeah that was the time to break contact forever. EDIT Our mother always said she had my younger brother to keep me company. I don’t believe siblings are company. Siblings are rivals. If you want company, you need friends not siblings.
I made the mistake of thinking my narc sister was reforming when she invited me on a short trip to visit our kids together (they live in the same town)...wow was I ever wrong. The trip ended with her violently raging at me (it checked all the boxes of NPD abuse and assault). It left me wounded and broken for weeks. I'm still not over it but I've gone no-contact - again. I've had to do this numerous times over the last 30 years, so I'm used to it. But it's harder this time because our kids are involved. Now she is using my relationship with my son to abuse me. Just when I thought she might be recovering, she doubled down and revealed that she is actually much more vile and dangerous. Thank you for this content - it helps me deal with the insidious dynamic of familial abuse.
I hope you’re healing from the betrayal & I’m glad u posted this. I keep thinking that the narcs in my family circle have changed, or will change, when that’s improbable, if not completely impossible. They are creative at finding new ways to attack, diminish and discard.
Remove your son from the mix, how dare anyone use your own child against you
Had made a dreadful mistake with my "sister" who i think has NPD..she went after my daughter, to hurt us. A real nightmare. Educate your boys on what gaslighting is and triangulation. These folks are cruel. Please be careful.
@@005Amergin yes they are so cruel. It is heart breaking.
A narcissist will never change.
Sadly I've had to walk away from my four sisters and one brother..its broke my heart but it was just too toxic...I'm the youngest and was never allowed to be around them! I was left out of everything!:
👉No Contact. ZERO. Nada. Not my family by choice.
🚩I'm not going to hold myself to some toxic obligation to be a friend to an attacking disrespectful abuser who refuses to heal, grow and demonstrate mature responsible behaviour and ownership of their negative emotional states.
Or their flying monkeys...
4 years separated my older brother and I. He took pleasure in punching me gaslighting me and making me feel stupid and weak. I haven't had a conversation with him in 14 years now.
24:45 the two minutes following this timestamp is something all recovering codependent need to remember, frequently. The bad behaviors of others are not a *reasonable* excuse for *our* anxious fixing reflexes. Their behaviors are just the excuse we use to avoid seeing out part in the drama cycle.
Heard about this following model awhile back, not sure who to give credit to for it, hope its helpful to someone else also.
The-narcissist-cycle triangle has 3 places or roles played by the actors: Abuser-Victim, Victim-Victim, and Martyr-too-good-for-this. It's very difficult to get off and stay off of this spinning triangle of crazy.
Much love to you all, this healing journey is its own pilgrimage, and often difficult. Gotta keep going.
My sister has BPD. Has been physically and verbally abusive and resentful of me since childhood. I distanced myself several times when she was abusive and she would write a long winded email that would start off apologetic and end up deflecting blame back to me. Me being empathic I would take the first part in earnest and try to make amends and help her with her issues which over time became really apparent needed professional help. But eventually the abuse just happened again. It was always suddenly over the slightest thing; and would result in reams of text messages and emails hurling abuse. At some point I just snapped. The never ending cycle. I tried very hard to help, kept boundaries, told her I would not accept abuse. At some point there are consequences and she has gone past the point of no return
My sister acted like yours, though she was never diagnosed. I believe that she is sick. She never changed in the 30 years she was in my life besides the brief moments where she'd act nice and then she'd revert back to manipulative, deflecting, abusive behaviors. I'm done. Sometimes it's best to just walk away. We have to forgive though.
This is how my mother behaved. I stopped reading her emails altogether. I just quit opening them.
Yes my sister also has BPD and has treated me awful growing up as a child and now as an adult. I definitely plan to go no contact at some point but luckily we don’t really talk that much anyways but my sister did threaten me during what I perceived was a manic episode and I am totally done now and absolutely terrified of her. I feel like mental illness isn’t talked about enough how it affects the family members not just the person with the disorder.
Cut them off, they're not worth your time
Family exist to drive one crazy. as soon as you realise this, you will have peace.
That's hilarious, and possibly spot on.
The source of the the problem is parents who were indifferent to and unable or unwilling to put one of the abusive siblings back in line. When a sibling controls the parents the system falls apart.
Cut them off until they learn, if they don't, leave them. I've cut mine out, best decision ever
I don't think she should have set her friend with her brother especially if he is abusive... It could cost her two relationships... One with her friend and another one with her brother ..
I have no judgement to make of her behavior at all. It sounds like she has done extremely well on her own journey and wanted to help her brother, but he didn't want it.
Im going through this...im learning to let my sisters go. I just pray that God changes things while i sort my life out
I had to let go of my brother, even though he's my last living family member and suddenly being alone in the world was very hard at first. Still is sometimes. But he became too abusive to me, similar to how he was when we were children. I came to realise he'd always been resentful of me, thinking I was the favourite and had everything so easy. When I was a kid, I thought he was the favoured one because he was a boy, and 4 years older, and he got more privileges than I did. As I got older I realised we were overall treated equally, each having advantages and disadvantages the other didn't. My mother favoured him in ways as an adult, but overall I still think it was pretty equal.
Our father was a narcissist and our mother was an enabler. When we were kids, even with his abusiveness to me, we were also siblings in arms, having to deal with our father's controllingness and emotional abuse. That formed a bond between us, as well as some interests and senses of humour.
Then our parents died, and my God, he became ... someone I don't know. I actually had to call the police on him because he came dangerously close to assaulting me. His toxic girlfriend is also a factor but at the end of the day, his actions and decisions are his responsibility.
Anyway, it's sad it came to this, but it did, and after a lot of pain I came to see my life is better without him in it. I wish the person who wrote this letter peace, no matter what they decide to do. They have a lot of insight and have made a lot of good, healing choices leading up to this.
How did this happen right on time. Well dissociation from siblings is a difficult experience. Nobody totally believes or supports me in my long term quest to totally dissociate from siblings. Been years. After waiting for exterior approval to drop family, that i would not ever get, i did it in my own. Would love support, as i always have wanted, but for the sake of survival with some insanity intact, i HAD to let go. Thank goodness there are others i find through this channel, that help
Thank you for pointing out the language of those channels on UA-cam that are all about diagnosing other people with narcissist personality disorder. I went down that rabbit hole for a little while, and it’s tempting to get into their community, learn the lingo, and then you don’t have to take any personal responsibility for your own actions or grow as a person because you can just tell yourself that the other people you’re interacting with are narcissists, and you’re never the problem. I had to stop watching those channels as they were hindering my growth. So thank you, again, for mentioning that as I do think it can be a very unhealthy aspect of our culture that people grasp onto trendy diagnoses as groups (a few years ago it was trendy to diagnose people as Borderline Personality Disorder, now it’s Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and instead just try to grow as oneself as a person.
Exactly! Blame hinders our own growth/
-Cara@TeamFairy
I disagree. The day I realised the abuse I was getting from my ex husband was narcissistic, it made all the difference to put a name to it and understand it. If you haven't experienced narcissistic abuse, then you might think people are just throwing the term around, but believe me, this is a whole other level of abuse and needs to be identified in order to make sense of it. I still take responsibility - after all I was the one without the boundaries so I had to fix that, but that doesn't make what they did ok.
@@Abe-rz1nm I'm with you. If I hadn't figured out that what I was dealing with was narcissism, I could have continued to blame myself and put up with the abuse till I died. (I'm in my 60's and just recently understood what I've been dealing with for my whole life with my family). I'm not trying to escape responsibility for my own actions at all. I tend, rather, to take on responsibility for other people's actions and accept the blame assigned to me by abusers. It has been absolutely devastating to learn that this is what's been going on, and that it will likely never change. But, the education on narcissism has given me the strength to walk away and work on my own healing. I appreciate the work by Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter, and others on You-tube who have given generously of their time and expertise to help those of us who have had to heal from abuse. I think it's a huge mistake to say that these wonderful educators and therapists are focused on blaming the narcissists in order to avoid taking responsibility for our own healing. Blame has become a dirty word, but it simply means to assign responsibility for a fault or wrong. When we assign that responsibility accurately, it opens the door to healing, because we face the truth about what is happening, instead of telling ourselves it's not that bad.
My sister keeps me isolated watching my mom with dementia. When she comes down to help she keeps mentioning how she is missing her granddaughters basketball game, I don’t have sympathy I mentioned how I only got to see my grandson play sports three times this year , I asked her to research what happens to victim of sociopath abuse and she said she didn’t have time , when my dad died she brought my mom and other sister and left me at home !! That is disgusting especially since I was the caregiver of my dad and watched him dying while she was on vacation instead of helping me , I have told her I need two days off to be with my family and she won’t pay , yet she will buy 1000 iPad with dads money .
I have decided to leave the caregiver roll because isolation is not helping my ptsd.
Am I being unfair or is she a mean person- she told me that I am the caregiver because of my wrong choices and because she is perfect she gets the freedom .
This is a sister that helps everyone else with making meals etc but she makes sure everyone knows so it’s not just the kindness of her heart .
I was physically and emotionally abused by my brother and always was told it is normal. When I tell someone without mentioning details its still the first reaction. My parents knew, but never really did something, it was kind of allowed for him. I always felt that there was something off, because a lot of things didnt make sense, but I was to scared to talk about it because of the humilation of not being belived or taken seriously again.
My brother was the most important person for me as a child and he abused me for the satisfaction of his sadism. Thats the truth but to this day I dont know how to accept it.
I think today its possible he feels a little ashamed but we never talked about it. We dont have much contact and we act like nothing happend. But I never could forgive him. I could have never hurt him like that although I often planned to kill him and he was just so disgusting. It will always be a part of him that he got joy of humilating me.
Sorry if I made some mistakes, english is not my first language.
Thanks for saying you thought about killing him, I can dig it. Then shame for having those thoughts. Wow what a ride.
No that was very well written. Please know you're a better person and strong for surviving. Remember, monsters aren't born, they are created. If you have children, do your best to make sure they don't become that person. You got this.
Thinking about killing an abuser seems reasonable and normal.
My brother ripped my arm out of it's socket my parents never said a word about it to him and I was punished for it
Stay away from that monster and may God richly bless you and heal your broken heart as many of us have here... broken hearts from the very people who should have been for us.
I wish this topic was discussed more. I lived my whole childhood in such shame. To the point where I actually pretended to my friends that my sibling was kind to me...looking back that breaks my heart for young me and how I just wanted to fit in. It's also very confusing because the roles are often blurred. I was the 'golden child' and due to this 'special' status (still abused but in a different way) I was the target of my sibling's rage and jealousy. It was terrible. It's hard to describe the agony children go through in these situations. Your sibling is one of the people you most look up to and need to be accepted by for basic survival.
I agree, it's a really complicated topic.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same as you...most of my Classmate asking about my Singblings...and yeah I have to pretend that's I have a good Relationship to them...while my Older brother is Psysical Abused me...about my older sister she was kinda nice to me but sometimes she calls me "Idiot/Stupid" she ignored and get angry of me sometimes when I do nothing Wrong....
@@Annie0159 sorry this happened to you. It's so isolating.
Oh my, I understand you so much. It makes me sad there are so many of us with strikingly similar stories...
Yes I’m the youngest of three. My older sister was my idol. But I’ve always had to chase her to be close to her. I’ve had to stop the relationship because she would rage at me spewing feelings she’d had 20 years ago. It was such a shock to me. I’m trying to find my responsibility in the relationship. I feel rejected and broken. It’s been 5 years since we’ve had contact. So much life lost. Our children etc. now she has stage 4 lung cancer at 60. I’m not sure how to feel. She still does not want me in her life.
i feel like this video is a little chaotic. it makes sense in the end, yet i feel the first 15 minutes or so were going in a direction where it sounded unfair to the writer. kind of a weird experience.
I have PTSD now that I am 25 due to the domestic violence I experienced by my own sisters. It’s so difficult to deal with this now.
I finally spoke up to all my siblings' in my family, and I no longer speak to one of my brothers because he refuses to admit what he did to me. He pleads are I can't remember. That is not true because it happen over a period of years. I had to make that break.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Must we force this constant sentimental narrative of "family" when there is no love, support, care, enjoyment, laughs, or anything humanizing in keeping them in our lives? I accept I do not have "family". I accept that most people do not change. I am here to work on myself, and am experiencing amazing insight and change in my life through Anna's work. Just learning how to be conscious of being dys-regulated and then re-regulating has changed my life, but I also do the daily practice. This can't be easy work for you, Anna, but you were born for it with a gift for communication. So how was I abused? Emotionally and verbally. Males aren't supposed to say that, right? Barely came out the chute before the mom was saying "You are the black sheep of our family" and "You were born backwards and have been backwards ever since" (because I was a breech birth.) Then came the 8 years of bullying at school for being gay ( the norm for a gay kid in the '50s and '60s).It's a miracle I never became a heroin addict or didn't drink myself to death. Some of us get to have "family"; others were born into the chaos of dysfunction and abuse and don't get "family". Life is beautiful, but brutal.
Sorry for these difficult dynamics. You sound like you are working hard to move on.
Black sheep is definitely assigned early! My parents would call me the guinea pig and my family would mentally torture and mock certain targeted kids....just part of the family culture. As a fellow gay black sheep, all power and strength to you for getting this far without the hard drugs.
Been waiting for this, I cut contact with 2 narc sisters, so sad, but my mental health was slipping. I am so much better. Hard to understand it all. I am an empath and I was their punching bag, no more, enough!!
💯
O My goodness! My sister..she keeps texting me 2 chat. But when I needed her to help out with Dad being ill and suffering dementia..she refused. I need to remind myself..by going over all my emails to her..begging for help. It's hard..but I really don't want her in my life.
@@suzymoon2067 I am here for you' Suzy whenever you need that proverbial ☕ .
@@suzymoon2067 as can be expected..I suppose Suzy..
Thank you for not holding back ...
I used to love being a hairdresser and i notice everybody's hair. This style and length is so balanced on you, and the shading is spectacular, you loooook fabulous! Hugs beautiful soul.
When stopping contact with your family (after trying everything but the harrasment continues till one moment it has to stop I am 60 in the meantime and they NEVER cared about me!), i used to feel guilty but not anymore, but the lonelyness remains and the reality of not having a caring family is very hard and forces you to find 'aliens' to be your family and those are never your family. The lack of warmth and love whole my life, I have to live with and i do not know how to get decent, thrustworthy and loving people around me. Thank you.
D.M. Christina, same here. Stay strong and true to yourself. God bless you!
I have a similar situation. No matter how I try to learn more about myself and involve more with people, the loneliness remains almost to the point that I start to think I’m not capable of loving, and that is why things went the way the did. I lost inspiration in anything. A lot of people show me their appreciation and even express what a wonderful person I am, yet, I’m unhappy, alone, and getting more and more lost in terms of what this life is about. I might allow myself to be in a love relationship at this point, but I don’t fall in love easily, and so far, whoever was showing their interest, and I could be in return, were married, and that is a taboo for me. So no luck in that either. I don’t want to sound like a whiny, but stayed strong for such long years, and now am becoming very exhausted and frustrated. It’s harder and harder to explain things to myself and work in myself. At times, I do believe there is nothing wrong with me. But then why...it is soooo hard to be where I am.
I cut contact with my brother and had very little contact with my sister, my brother was an abusive alcoholic, even when we were young, apparently I was to blame for everything even though I wasn’t even there! In my 20’s I went to therapy as it all upset me so badly. My sister never had a kind word for me, ever. I eventually thought I don’t care who it is, sometimes you must cut contact for your own happiness and sanity.
No one bullied me in school or anywhere outside but inside my home. Emotionally abusing, fighting , cursing
I understood linda's "blessing" to her friend and her brother's relationship as meaning their friendship wouldn't change. Linda did the right thing warning her friend. 👏
I agree. That part she was not wrong to do at all and I don’t agree at all that it contradicts her blessing. She was telling the truth.
Disagree here. Once the author of the letter identified her brother as having such a complex, her friend would look for it, and same with the brother. She contaminated the relationship before it even started. When we judge others were judging the past. Better to let them discover one another for themselves.
Sorry I know this comment is old but I just found these videos last week and agree with you.
I would feel I betrayed a friend if I hadn’t given them my honest assessment of what they were about to get into.
After I’ve told them my assessment, they’re an adult and free to take the information and my biases into account and come to their own conclusions.
My brother has emotionally abused me for years. I dealt with rages, friend stealing, lies, gaslighting, being downed, spreading rumors in my family about me and on and on. I continually made excuses for him because we did have a rough childhood and lost our mother very young. I have finally come to a point in the road where I have to reassess my relationship and contact with him. It's painful because I love him but I also accept that it is all very toxic for me and the stress is making me physically ill at times. I am fortunate I have a wonderful supportive husband who has encouraged me to love myself enough not to take the abuse anymore and put boundaries up.
I'm glad you have that support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's weird because my sister is accusing me of ALL of these things you just stated while I can clearly see how she's projecting her experiences with our parents onto me. As a consequence her boyfriend is now "defending" her from "me" in the same way and I am turning myself upside down to find any and all abusive tendencies but several people including therapists have reassured me that I don't have any and that I'm not being an a**hole either. In our childhoods she never wanted to compromise on anything. She never wanted to share food, toys, space, nothing. Sometimes she hit my physically or throw me off the stairs. She always gave me this feeling as if she wished I was never born: I was in her way!! But now... her boyfriend is "defending" her from abusive me and she's trying to rally "support" from the rest of the family to take me down while "grey rocking" me and limiting contact with me while she's the one actually crossing boundaries. I am starting to think I am a bad person but every narc test I do (and I do mean filling in 100% painfully honestly with a LOT of self-reflection) I score extremely low on them and I also always dreamed of becoming a traumatherapist myself since I was 12 so I know I'm empathetic AF. How do I deal with this mindf*ck???
My sister died last year of lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. She was always a victim and never happy because I wouldn’t support her in that role she chose. While she was in the hospital getting radiation, she told me that I was the biggest disappointment of her life and I didn’t deserve the wonderful daughter that I have. My daughter is wonderful and never for an instant did I think I “deserved” her, so why do those words hurt me so much? I never grieved my sister’s death because of her words to me. I’m glad you’re talking about sibling abuse. So many of us experience it on the regular.
This reminds me of my sister so much. We were both neglected by our father, witnessed his abuse toward our mom, and we were both verbally, mentally, and physically abused by our step father. While we were close when we were young and in each other's corner at the time, we've fought frequently since my mom left her second husband after we lived with his behavior for six years. We fought a lot during our teen years and have verbally abused each other. She has even mimicked some of our dad's behavior that he had with our mom towards me. For example. There were times our dad would throw things when they fought and chased her around the kitchen. When we were teenagers during two particular nasty fights, she chased me around our kitchen threw food at me, and threatened violence. Then when mom pointed it out and told her she was "being intimidating," my sister tried twisting it and said I wasn't afraid and was just pretending.
Now as adults, we have significantly grown apart over the years. She would get very upset with me when I missed a phone call and thought I was ignoring her and when I told her I was at work and didn't hear the phone ringing, she didn't believe me and started huge fight over it. She can get mad at the drop of the hat and she is judgemental and frequently assumes the worst of people. When I moved in with her and my mom, I was afraid I would have to walk on eggshells. And it was more like walking on a minefield because she would find any reason to start an argument whether I did something wrong or not. She literally started a fight with my mom because she moved her baking soda which she had out. Usually she starts fights over nitpicky things. One time I asked my friend about her old apartment because it is in the area where my sister wants to live and she said she wouldn't recommend it and suggested she look in another part of the city. When I told my sister what she said, she got really mad and called my friend trashy and started an argument over it. She did not have to get that mad. All she had to say was, "I appreciate the input, but I'm gonna keep looking in ****wood," or she could have just said she disagreed and that be the end of it. She did not have to get angry or defensive and attack my friend. She constantly says stuff to me and mom that is either a back handed insult, subtle, or vile and when we call her on it, she denies she did it or lies and says "You were snotty first" and turns the situation around on us. She always demeans us when we make a mistake and can say or do whatever she wants to us, but then gets hysterical when we call her on anything or do the same thing to her. She can't take what she gives. She will also upset me to the point where I have to go to my room to get away from the situation and instead of leaving me alone and giving me some time to cool down, she follows me to my room and goes on about how terrible and stupid I am for any mistake or misunderstanding. My mom gave me a book (she had a stroke and had lots of memory problems) and I thought she gave it to me as a gift. My sister had lost a book and I even tried to help her find it. It turned out that the book my mom gave was my sister's book and even though she saw the shock on my face when she told me the name of the book she lost and I realized it was the one mom gave me, she has been accusing me of purposely stealing it and keeping it from her out of spite. Who would so that?! Our stepdad used to verbally abuse us and push us until we snapped and when we did, he recorded us enraged out of context and said he would use it to "show our Grandma and Aunt Sally how we really were." After she started a fight with me and I ran to my room to try to get away and she followed me and stood outside my door and kept demeaning me, I lost my shit. I screamed. I cried. I stomped. I screamed at the top of my lungs and told her to leave me alone and she recorded me in my fit of rage without the context of what lead to me losing it and said she would show it to mom. I was so mad I tried to get the camera from her which was a mistake because it only made me look worse, but she is twice my size and overpowered me. I told her that was messed up of her to record me because its what our stepdad used to do to us and kept saying it was justified and filmed for her protection and said my boyfriend would hate me if he saw "who I really was." There was one day I was trying to sleep before my night shift at work and was woken up by her screaming at mom. I recorded it because I wanted to make a point. Then she cried and said, "How could you do this to me? That's disgusting," and I pointed out that she did the exact same thing to me. Instead of doing any self reflecting ans realizing maybe she shouldn't record me in a rage if she doesn't want me to record her in a rage, she ssid it was okay when she did it because it was different. There was also one time when I worked for a toxic person and called my sister crying and after I told her what happened, she exploded and said, "This was a fucked up thong to do, my day was worse than yours!" And she went on yelling at me and even left me a voicemail yelling at me after I hung up. Then three months later, she called me crying because of something that happened to her at work and I heard her out and comforted her. After the call, I was pissed when I remembered how she treated me when I was crying about a work thing. Whenever I bring it up she said it was wrong of me to call her crying because I didn't "take her into account," and now she lies ans said that I was snotty to her and that's why she yelled at me. That is bullshit. I did not say anything snotty. All I did was tell her what happened at work.
Today we got in a particularly nasty fight after I heard her yelling at mom and told her to stop. She came to my room bellowing after mom left and during our fight where we yelled over each other and she said, "you don't know anything! You have mental problems, you have cerebral palsy, you need help!" And I defended myself and we continued fighting and I pointed out how hypocritical she has been with me and mom and she got enraged an while denying everything I called her out on, she grabbed me by the hair and shoulder and shook me, then went on and said "You can't say anything, you attacked me. I got it on tape" referring to when I tried to grab her phone and I said while crying, "You just attacked me!" And she said, "No I didn't." I left the house after that. I am supposed to move in with my boyfriend in two days, but I'm going to talk to my boss and see if I can get my last two shifts at work covered, so I can move tomorrow. It has been five hours since it happened and she lied to my mom and said that I attacked her first and tried to slap her which is complete bullshit. I am definitely cutting her out of my life after today. That was the last straw.
I definitely think her behavior is a response to the trauma we experienced as children since she is acting just like our former abusers.
That sounds really difficult. We're glad you are here.
-The Fairy Team
Hi Anna - I am the youngest of five.
I want to point out that the role we played as children do get carried through adulthood. I was recently reminded of this.
I find my mother has to pick between my brother and myself. I mean if her loyalty is to him and have being with him, she takes on his thinking.
I have tried to work on our relationship, but it always the same. It’s just a shame that this is so. 😢
@@Leslie_Knope Hi, how old are you? I would love to talk to you more about it!!
@@Leslie_Knope I am 51; build your own life ❤️😍🙏🥰🌻
@@Leslie_Knope are you on FB or Telegram?
my sister is a narcissist. i got my way in the family *once*. it's the only thing she remembers. she equates it to me having been spoiled beyond redemption. meanwhile, she basically ran the family. one example: peanut butter and jelly was her favorite, so my mother made us make and pack it for lunch whenever my sister wanted. my mother refused to let me make half peanut butter, half jelly--i had to have what my sister had no matter how much i hated it. i'm on the autism spectrum and can't deal with the taste or the texture, so it's one of the few foods i can't even make myself swallow. so i had to go without lunch multiple times a week through grade school and high school.
Yes.....i always was compared to my older sister. One of many stories. We were sent off to band camp. I was in 9th grade and painfully shy. I was set to have a perood. Mine were in time and heavy. Older sister skipped and very light. I asked to take napkins...but told it was necessary...i can here my mither say your sister is light and skips you might too. I started on the bus trip. I had 3 for seven days. It was torture. I wrapped toliet paper and it came undone during marching band practice. So embarrassing and just one story of many. Such toxic parenting that fostered sibling abuse. Sorry for what you went through. We will never forget.
@@maryfisher6569 thank you for your story, awful as it is--i feel heard today because of you. xoxoxoxoxoxo
You are most welcome....all we want is for someone somewhere to acknowledge the emotional pain we went through. As you have, i have a 17 years of stories that we were not heard and being a child we coukd not process why me? Why? It isnt fair nor it doesnt feel right yet we didnt know. I could see you in the cafeteria with tears in your eyes as i spent much time there myself. I did hear you and felt every tear and hunger at school. Then you would get laughed at when your tummy rumbled. Much love and hugs to you.
@@maryfisher6569 you made me cry...it's so so so nice to be heard, and i hear you, too. i didn't dare cry at school--i was supposed to be invisible, and i did my best to be. but yeah--those hungry afternoons sucked. we grew up catholic and were absolutely not supposed to waste food, so i was too terrified to throw out the sandwiches in grade school, where i was certain the nuns would catch me and raise hell. i was already (by default?) on thin ice with my parents, so i picked my battles carefully. and i was torn apart inside throwing out the sandwiches in high school, where there was no one patrolling the kids at lunch like in grade school--i still really hate wasting food, but i had gotten to the point that i just couldn't force myself to eat another bite of pb&j. i still cringe at the thought. i adore my parents, but they simply were not good parents for young children. they didn't know what they didn't know, and they both came from old world families where kids were treated as objects--lots of narcissists and invisible children, especially on my mom's side. my mom is no longer with us, but she and my dad are among the very best people i've ever known, and i say that with full honest knowledge of all the warts. much love and hugs right back!!
I have 3 siblings. Two brothers (who I share a birthday with, one is my twin) and my older sister. I am the baby twin. My older brother raging functional alcoholic who lives above my twin's garage. Through my years I final realized my two brothers were very abusive and toxic. Finally it all blew up 2 years ago and I no longer speak to my brothers. Long life of our Dad (alcoholic narcissist) always compared us and pitted us against each other. It sucks, but......it was peace for once. Each holiday sucks, but sad when my kids feel better off without them in our life. Hard to "break-up with" family. But they never cheered me on or was happy for me, but I had to be happy for them all the time. Gets old and being excluded one time to family events and not invited other times. It hurt and I'm done. I just hope my story helps others to make the break if that brings you peace. Thanks for your channel and videos, helped me so much in my journey.
Breaking up with them is the best help you can give them
That was actually one of my considerations in finally going no contact with my brother.
This was an important video for me. Thank you Fairy.
Glad that it spoke to you. Thank you for watching! - Ashley, Team Fairy
It's really important and refreshing to hear someone say, "Yes, ok, maybe you're right but also it sounds like you're using a lot of language used online for diagnosing other people."
Like, I get that it's hard and therapy is inaccessible for a lot of people, and even if you have access you can't force someone else to go to therapy. I totally get the desire to mull over guidance on the internet when you're trying to figure something out, but it is so easy to just slot people into these pigeonholes because it makes you feel like you're making progress and finally figuring things out. But these behaviors can be indicative of a lot of things, not necessarily the trendy disorder that came up for you on your UA-cam recommendations.
When people say that you're "diagnosing" someone when you describe them as being narcissistic, they're missing the point. Describing a person as being narcissistic is a shorthand way to describe a pattern of behavior, so that someone who knows what it means can understand what you're describing without you having to list all the traits and behaviors. On the other hand, if someone says that a person has narcissistic personality disorder, that is a diagnosis, which, in order to be considered valid, is usually provided by a therapist or other mental health professional.
Wow, Anna your videos have been right on point lately. Back to back content that hits the nail on the head every time. Your passion and dedication to this does not go unnoticed. Thank you so much.
You are so welcome
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy So true! You are a diamond in a world of zircon therapists. So so happy to have found your channel!!!
My three sisters are from hell. My health suffered from the abuse. Hate mail and smear campaigns. Went no contact .
Yes, this is my childhood trauma. My favorite sibling, without malice, turned into my emotional abusive guardian when life overwhelmed her, as she was also suffering greatly.
I distanced myself but still maintained a cautious connection with her for years after I moved out.
Now, though, we are reconnecting, and I am so very grateful. Still a little cautious, but mostly hopeful for we both have changed
Same but with my brother. He gets really angry and short fuse. He always talks down to others like a know it all. I hate that I foster my codependent with him. I accept gifts cause I think "Oh my brother isn't so bad" or he helps me but he doesn't listen. I know I need to stop contributing to this cycle.
My sister in law was a neglectful parent. She was very domineering with her husband in front of the children. They have 3 girls. There was (and still is as adults) extreme aggression between the children. There was self harm, drug and alcohol abuse and eating disorders with the girls. All three have ptsd IMO. Yet the parents thought they were exemplary because they forced the girls to go to church every week. What a mess.
I'm the youngest, but also the cruelest to my older brother and father. I have so much hate for them. They caused me so much pain that I just want to give it back to them. Hurt them. I know it's not right or healthy, but sometimes I can't control my impulses and I send really nasty texts just destroying them. I'm currently in therapy working on this, but it's still hard to control.
I understand the desire for revenge.... for me it's dealing with their accountability. That has been a huge thing with me and now I know it comes from the abuse at the hands of my brother who was not held accountable by my parents. I understand you fully.
Thank you for being honest. 🌹
NATHAN I can totally relate. I got a photo of my sister and threw darts at it. It was very therapeutic purging that anger.
@@claredodd1258 Yesterday, I burned all the photos I had of my dad. Very therapeutic indeed.
My narc brother died last January. He died in total solitude. Not even his daughters attended the funeral.
Wow. Who hosted the funeral then?
@@Godlywoman88 the city where he lived. That is how it is arranged in my country. 🇳🇱
@@Godlywoman88 “hosted”? If there is no family, the local government collects the body and cremates it. There’s no need for a funeral.
Also wacky parents pit kids against each other. I have a sad dynamic with my only sibling
I put up with my narc mother and had to try to work with my uncooperative narc sister towards the end of my mother's life. Sister lied to me about home care, lied about expenses, would not allow me input in funeral planning, and finally, I was NOT invited to my mother's luncheon after the funeral. I wanted to plan one with sister and she said NO LUNCHEON. Then it turns out she planned one and didn't tell me. I found out when a guest asked me if I would be there. I have not contacted sister for over 2 years and she made no attempt to contact me. I feel no necessity to keep contact with a lying, abusive sister. I saw it through with a narc mother and that was enough.
My sibling was physically abusive when we were younger, very scary , death threats and stuff , they weren’t getting the support they needed for their disabilities and anger issues when they were younger . when I was 13 and they were 16 they finally got meds and weren’t abusive anymore , they’d get angry when I was scared of them so I forced myself to forget the trauma out of guilt , then over time we became besties , so close ! I enjoyed so much about our friendship , then when I was about 16 they moved out , and I moved in with my mother who was recovering from an abusive relationship and it just reminded me so much of the abuse and made me remember the feelings I’d had with a lot of it . I was still friends with my sibling though , then I got into a relationship about a year ago and I guess the feeling of safety and comfort made all the memories come flooding back , also they had a bit of a meltdown directed at my grandmother Infront of me (not violent but very scary )and now I feel disgusted and weird and scared around my sibling, I feel exhausted and like I can’t think around them , annoyed by everything they do , I get anxious for weeks anticipating their arrival and anxious and depressed after they leave . There’s a lot I love about them and I wish I could still be besties with them but I feel like I can’t atm , and it sucks cause I know they’re hurting a lot and miss me and I worry about them as they do a lot of drugs and get suicidal . I feel bad cause I don’t blame them for the trauma they’ve caused me , since they were a child who wasn’t getting the support they needed but it’s just so hard being around them rn, the hard thing is they are so understanding too , and so self aware and also feel a lot of guilt . They’re definitely someone I can reconcile with but atm I just don’t have it in me and I hate that they’re struggling so much and me kind of ghosting them probably adds to the guilt
When you are feeling more like a healed person, reaching out (if that's what you want) will be easier. It's good you are taking care of yourself now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am completely detached from my own brother because I don't care for him. I only speak to him when it's needed like if something happened to our mother but I have no desire to have a relationship with him. He and our father are both narcissistic
Being neurodiverse, I always thought everybody thought just like me. I was wrong.
After I turned 60, one of my siblings convinced me that all those "affectionate insults" I'd been hearing for years and assuming I misunderstood, because misunderstanding is my superpower, were NOT, in fact, affectionate.
Mind you, the fact that I assumed I didn't understand does not mean they didn't hurt me. I simply made them better in my imagination because Family Doesn't Treat Each Other Like That.
Or do they?
I might talk to them now, if any of them ever tried to talk to me....
Mind you, it makes a nice change not being abused, and I'm not lonely or deprived. I'm pretty healthy, honestly.
I can relate, a lot. Over many years, rather than having NO family, I’ve ignored so many digs, & the poison flows with ease from the narc’s mouth.
@@MelissaThompson432 honestly it's okay to not talk to them if they do reach out. Just because it's been years doesn't mean they're capable of growth especially if your relationship with them was them manipulating you. It's okay to preserve your health and to not contact them. It takes more energy from you to be vulnerable and listen to them than it does for them to reach out.
I felt like my brother, the golden child, got involved and told my parents how to “deal” with me. The three musketeers also slam me to family. I was angry and own my issues. My dad finally gets in but my mother never will. Being her daughter has been VERY hard. Finally letting go.
M the youngest of four sisters and I grew up bullied by my 3rd sister.
My eldest was also abusive to her younger sisters. Esp me and the third.. my bully. She would thrash us almost daily before our parents came back from work, for not listening to her commands, or not drinking our afternoon glass of milk. Anything.
I guess I was the last in the pecking order. I was a quiet introverted kid and that made me a good target. My bully used to get me in trouble with my parents by blaming me for things that she would do. She would spit water onto my plate of food. I was a slow eater and she would say she was doing me a favor by trying to make me eat faster by threatening to spit water on my food.
As teens, she would make fun of my appearance and the way I dressed and wore my hair. If I put a little make-up she would make me feel horrible about it.. like I was promiscuous for wearing some tinted lip balm. She would constantly mock me for my darker complexion, my nose, my smile... literally anything. If someone complimented me on my eyes (I have pretty eyes), she would get jealous and make fun of my weight or my posture or anything that comes to her mind.
I confronted her as adults. She said I was very weird and too sensitive and she was trying to toughen me up. At one point during our screaming match she said if mom hadn't told her not to harm me physically she would have killed me. That's how much she hated me. I asked her why? What did I do that made her hate me so much? She said she just did. She hated me. I was weird and embarrassed her.
I feel after I confronted her she came face to face with her past behaviours for the first time. And she did some reflection. But she is still controlling, micro-manages everything. She blames others when she makes a mistake. I limit one on one conversation with her. I stay away from family drama as much as I can. And they have called me uncaring for that. But idc what they think of me. My mental peace is important for me. And that is what I tell them. They have finally learned to let me be and not drag me into their dramas.
My bully recently gave birth to a baby boy. But I am not feeling anything for the baby. I don't feel any love or attachment that should come naturally. I don't feel like visiting her and the baby. I don't feel like holding the baby or playing with it. I feel guilt for somehow not being a good aunt to the baby. He is an innocent soul. But I feel I haven't forgiven my sister for all the hurt and damage to my self-image she created for me. And that is stopping me from being a good aunt.
I have been learning to draw and maintain boundaries. And it's been a struggle. But m making improvements. And every little achievement counts.
M on my healing path. And m still identifying my triggers and my transgressors and holding them accountable for the things that I have blamed myself all these years.
Learning to forgive them for my own mental peace when they have not even acknowledged their part let alone apologize, is really hard. But we have to do it.
Thank you for making this video. Sibling rivalry and abuse is not often discussed.