0:36 - State Of Confusing 2:25 - You Start Investigation 3:53 - Coercion 8:39 - If... You are in a toxic relationship. 13:45 - How To Deal With It 19:08 - Everyone Is Traumatizing 25:23 - Trauma Is Everywhere. AND IT'S OKAY 30:10 - What Are We Doing Here? You don't really need to know 36:14 - We Are Built For Connection 42:08 - Final Point Q&A Section 47:11 - When You Have Been Hurt That Much, How Do You Heal From It Internally? 50:30 - The Reptilian Brain Will Keep You Traumatized
Do you even know what alchemy really is ? Who the Rosicrucians were ? I know your atheist and you have no connection to source. Source is the one true god. Not the JESUIT multigod system that permiated egypt and corrupted the pharaohs and then moved to Israel..
velveteyes79, Thank you for illustrating the rigidity of organized religion and it’s fanatics. Your sad belief system is not part of other peoples’ lives, i.e. Jains, Hindus, Jews, etc., etc. You want to be respected, you need to respect others.
In my 71 years, it has come to me that covert coercion is the most common and insidious method. Media uses i. Politicians use it, Religion uses it. Authority figures use it. Lovers use it. Parents and children use it. And it is so easy, when you are sensitive and intuitive, to fall for it. But intuition, I believe, eventually wakes us up.
Candace DeLong, FBI Psychological Profiler, once stated, "People who are trying to abuse you know exactly how to use the subtle technique that flies under the radar." "They use that subtle verbal technique purposely for you to question yourself and your judgment." "The abuser still needs to appear socially appropriate."
@@jengable4888 I am so glad that you liked my quote from Candace DeLong. When I first heard her make that statement, it rang so true and opened my eyes to what I had been suppressing throughout my life. Keep this statement in mind going forward, and you will be better off. Have a great day!
I spent my childhood in the library psychology section during the seventies, trying to work out what the hell was going on with the people around me. I had to wait for the internet to come into existence before I finally got some answers.
@@LauraPerez-kr8bn I read that book about 10 years ago. It explained so much and validated what I had experienced but had not been able to make sense of.
@@RICHARDGRANNON I'm over 60 and all relationships were same...finally, finally know why. Long and winding road (Rascal Flatts...sorry, broken road) to get me here, but I trust the plan. God Bless!
:(( my poor baby has seen so much. I officially finally split from her dad and I'm trying to heal from codependency. I cannot believe I allowed her to witness so much crap
@@kaylawilkins5731 better not leave her for grandparents like my mother did after divorce. Now shes desperate for my company but im simply not interested
Richard, I’ve been watching you since 2016 and was in an abusive relationship with a psycho and now I’m with a wonderful man, like you. I remember I’d watch your videos back then and wish I could be blessed with a man like you. Someone kind and understanding and who has experience with abusive partners and has grown from it and of course a handsome and happy man (like you) and I got him! You have been a huge part of my self healing and recovery and I’m so grateful for you and your channel. Thank you.
❤🌹❤🙏😊🌹 the same storry here... After 4 years of abuse and 4 years alonn in terapy and watching Richard, I one day just mainifestetet my loving man from the Votex 🙏🌹❤😊 thank you.
I really wish I could. I am an empath stuck in quarantine with a Narcissist... I have started playing the narcissist game against him. He is oblivious. Timing is everything. I hate doing it cuz it takes alot from me being manipulative but it is the only way I can feel no guilt when it's all said and done so he wont be able to guilt me back. Example... he cosigned for another camper as the one we are in needs alot of work. His guilt tripping me to be back with me last time was he was homeless... so... I got a new camper, will fix other one, and then tell him to bugger off and leave him with one of the campers. He is no longer homeless. After that, i am moving to Arizona and changing my numbers. I have been in this toxic relationship for 6 years with 2 years of couples therapy and the same stupid conversations over and over. I recognize "shut up gifts" for what they are. He has lied to me since day one, to the point his own father had to tell me that it was HIS life story was what my "bf" was telling me was his. Even his dad and step mom saw what I was going through and told me to get away from him. I will no doubt cuz I have literally shut down emotions from him (upside to empath along with reflecting those negative emotions back at him). I have become an empathic sniper.. lol. But I still seek my soulmate. I KNOW he is out there... I just miss him soooooo much. I have dreamed of him and to feel the love of another empath like me... nothing compares. Really wish he would find me, like he promised me he would when I was 13. I am going to turn 45 in June.
The confusion. Right from day one. 4 years of confusion which left me a shell of a person. Unable to make any decisions because I had zero trust in myself and my decision-making abilities. I was literally googling how do I know if I should leave my relationship! I actually found a book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay lol! It should have been about 2 pages long, and just say 'if you've bought this book you should just get out!' Those were nutty, hellish times and I am loving my very easy life now. I know you say we are meant to have intimacy and love and connection but frankly I'm so terrified of ever getting myself back in any kind of situation where I start losing myself, I'm way too content and at peace now to mess with it!
I just want to send cyber hugs to anyone here who has endured a really long and difficult relationship where they feel bound by contracts/children or financial dependency with a toxic partner. I am so relieved and happy I realised when I did and walked away. (Ran then hitchiked through the snow actually. ) This going over this chapter has finished for me. Thanks for all the videos Richard.
Thanks. I had someone hint at the fact that when they dont get what they want from the relationship they dont care where the relationship goes. I got discarded.
Your investment in caring about humanity has exceeded what others couldn't hold a candle to. You are multi-talented. Your videos are so much more important than you may realize. I'm not saying this to patronize you. There are tons of people who are on UA-cam, but you have mastered many modes of discipline. The genius in your teachings is that you are able to include ultruistic, ancient & modern methods and cut to the chase. Well done Richard. How can any words express how thankful or grateful I and surely many others are, that you are in the world. 💙💙💙 It would be great to hear you extrapolate on the concept of impermanence and continuous becoming. When I first started meditating, I listened to Buddhist videos. It helped me to understand that change is the natural order of living. Clinging causes suffering. I am not religious or ascribe to any system, but the wisdom in the 4 noble truths and 8 fold path, was enlightening. ✌🌷
"STOP being a Beggar!!.... ENOUGH of Begging for love, begging for kindness, begging for attention, begging for companionship, begging for support. " "STOP being a DOG!!.... dogs get sooo emotionally bonded with his human. Goes crazy when he's around. Will do anything for the human. Soo attached. Gets soo dependent on the human. Get so sad, restless, and anticipative when the human leaves house. Becomes obedient. Wants to please the human. By default the human leaves him many times. He is a human. Occasionally puts him in a chain or a Cage! The accepts . He said a dog . " "INSTEAD of being a beggar, be the one to give. Cultivate all those good qualities IN you... so that one day, instead of begging for those things, YOU can be the one to give away kindness , care, attention, a listening ear to OTHERS. There are 7 billion people on this planet and even more living beings. Why waste your life staying bonded to a handful of people. Let go. MOVE ON. Come out of the box" Richard I quoted from a Buddhist Monk. These were the parting advice on the final day recap of a long self help advice series on virtue, happiness, peace, investigative reflection, knowledge of the way of the world, release and liberation.
@@christinesbetterknitting4533 Thankyou and here's some quotes from him :) The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried. The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people. The reason angels can fly is because they take themselves lightly. An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it. The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly. I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. The world will never starve for want of wonders; but only for want of wonder. The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
My ex-narc always accused me of being a detective and also a lawyer because I was always defending myself and my grandson from his abuse. He even had the gall to ask me why I could have a 45 minute conversation with one of his friends without arguing. I told him it was an adult conversation and it was very refreshing to do so. Lol! When I would try to talk to the ex-narc, it was like talking to a 7 year old who has tantrums.
You are so right. Some people you cannot speak to without it turning into an argument. It leaves you confused and you think, how did we get to this subject when it didn't start that way? How did it turn to crap basically? and then your head starts to hurt and you feel ill.
You noticed that too?? Mine tells me all the time to stop talking to him like he is a child, I tell him to stop acting like one. I have 5 kids and 2 grandkids I dont need another child.
Yes they act like bloody children. I'm so glad you are out of it. My narcissist are constantly interfering with new apts and jobs I get! Like fuck,he should grow the fuck up! A healthy person doesn't frickin have to constantly undermine a woman,only a pathetic insecure vindictive person does that. I'm so glad you are safe. Maybe it'll happen for me one day....
That's a great idea. Instead of a regular dating site you have to befriend ppl of your own gender. Then those ppl rate you. Often N and Ps can't pull the wool over their own gender as well.
I love this idea.. and it makes me giggle because covert narcs would damn RUIN it. They fancy themselves the queens and kings of the empaths. They feel SOOOO much and they are SOOOOOO feeling all the feels and no one else ever understands just how much they FEEL. I have compassion for them tho - it's easy to confuse an inner storm of tormenting self absorbed shame & angst - for empathy. ;)
Richard, I hung on every second of that 55 minute video. Mind blown. I have just said STOP after 6 years of suffering in my relationship. Now to focus on re-sealing my heart. I AM MINE.
Thats exactly it, youre confused and look look and look and finally you end up finding narcissism. It took me 2 years until I found a psychology student who directed me to it and BINGO!
My ultimate goal is to grow- this is where I always end up when I end any relationship- I'm accused of not valuing the relationship- untrue- I value it - I'm just changing at a rate and a way the other person isn't happy with. Do I stagnate to keep someone else happy? No- my life my journey 👍
@thefalsecritic Its a great question, Imma do a video called "why its a waste of time to study psychology" and really piss the British Psych Society off! :D
Please Do that Video!! I have always somewhat regretted my time spent on psych degree, just glad I stopped at bachelor's. Lol. LOVE come to Jesus meetings especially with public school administrators!! Been doing those lots lately on behalf of keeping ALL these behaviors from continuing at the expense of High School kiddos. Still scary to do but wouldn't have even been able to start to go against them previously. ☺️
"That's a trapped human being man". THANKYOU! When someone has codependency because of generational, emotional, mental, conditioning etc, they will grow resentful of being around a covertly coercive person because of their inability to say no and serve out of unjust guilt and obligation. So of course a few years down the line, they will become bitter, nasty, manipulative because they feel trapped not only by the covert pressure from their partner(who could be a narcissist), but also by their own codependency. Thank you for clarifying that. People are SO QUICK to label someone a narcissist, crazy, unstable, just because they didn't receive consensual gratification from their partner. People have emotions, just because they display anger and rage doesn't mean they are a full blown narcissist. They might've just been trained to never say no.
That moment in 'V for Vendetta' when she's in prison (with shaved head) and has that breakthrough and stops being afraid....that's a good leveling up :)
That's one of my favourite movies! I've both a background in martial arts and too much experience dealing with narcissistic abuse and trauma - from parents to then (due to narc parenting destroying my self-esteem, sense of boundaries, assertiveness) being a "people-pleaser" and attracting narcissists as so-called "friends", so can relate to the breakthrough moment although it took years of dedicated effort by myself to work on the issues referred to (self-esteem etc.) and stop being an attractive target for narcissists. It did take years as mentioned and I think in part the time to heal was related to the fact that this was when the internet wasn't widely available, and nor was there all the helpful information about narcissism and techniques to identity and deal with narcissistic people that's available nowadays. One thing I wish looking back is that I'd had access to the information available now back then! It would've saved me so much time, energy, and suffering due to prolonged contact with and abuse by narcissists. Whilst I'm definitely very glad I put in that work, and no longer am attractive to narcissists - who will sense those that are good 'supply' for them - I am somewhat envious (albeit not in a negative manner, if you understand my meaning!) of both teenagers and adults today who have the plethora of information about narcissism and toxic relationships available to them, much of it online and also available in books, both hardcopy, e-books and/or audio books. They've often no idea how fortunate they are in this respect!
Thank you for confirming the "gut instinct " is something to be heeded. I thought I was being covertly coerced, turns out that is the modus operandi of my narcissist. I have learned over time that those "unspoken expectations " were nothing more than me being gaslit to carry out his agenda. I have also learned that NO is a very empowering word. Thx again for the wisdom--
I wish my child was that smart - to realize she is being coerced in the most disgustingly subtle way to do everything on her useless covert narcissistic husband's agenda. It is mind blowing how he is abusing her and then after she gives him the silent treatment he sucks her back with all she wants to see - just for a day or two and then continues with the abuse...
I honestly appreciate the new path you are taking in your work by not over focusing on the narcissist but to empower people to deal with their own wounds and close the entry points to toxic behaviors and relationships. I truly believe this is essential for our healing path. It’s really great to see this side of you 💜
I’ve talked to a couple of friends and a counsellor and I’ve been told I’m being hypersensitive and that’s just how men behave. Have we become so insensitive, socialised and adapted we can no longer trust our instincts? Bad behaviour makes us feel uncomfortable. I look at the other relationships in my life, my friends don’t try to control me? Why do the men I date, question me or try to control me? And other people tell me that’s acceptable.
As a survivor of childhood incest aaaaaand more recently narc abuse, your rumination on how WE have to be our own prophets and say “stop”, stop these ways of being w one another landed kind of like a little miracle in my heart. Thanks for this, Richard.🙏🏻
Question: When I'm with a person who has a very black view of humanity, like "you have to be on top of the game to survive, there is no one you can trust in this world, women are manipulative, men are exploitative" and so on. I get overwhelmed with sadness, scared and feel intensive pain, I want to cry, scream to the person to stop talking, or leave the situation. What can this be I experience at that moment? I don't live with that type of belief systems myself. I feel and experience love, hope, trust, connections everywhere I am, with all sorts of people, animals, nature. But I grew up with a dad who has this negative, black and white thinking, jealous and judgmental about anyone and anything. Demanding all attention and servitude for only him self. I'm thinking, my reactions are my whole body, mind, soul shouting stop, no more. I do not surrender to your version. I have a right to my own. Anyone ells who feels like this? In pain, like being tormented by how negative, angry, mean, cold someone is in their expressions about other people?
What finally broke me free from the emotional abuse, confusion, and investigation was finally realizing that either my perception is wrong or hers is; I feel victimized, blamed, shamed, invalidated so I want out. If she feels that I'm the problem and worthy of such contempt and hostility, then why is she fighting so hard to pull me back in and FINALLY now that I've left is "apologizing"? Yeah, it's pretty clear cut. Either she's abusive and I'm right to leave her, or I'm abusive and it's the right thing for me to leave her alone. By her own logic, if I'm the asshole who is to blame and shame for everything wrong in her life, then the right thing is for me to gracefully exit from her life.
One exception for covert coercion is when you must hide more vegetables or good herbs in children’s food. It is definitely better for them . Lol . I advocate this one use.
what if you're family of origin is narcissistic, and you've never BEEN loved, and that's all you want? I recognized my issues with attracting toxic relationships and why a long time ago, spent decades being single, and I know that I want or need to grow, is intimacy and commitment. Is it wrong to want that, above anything else? Ive seen through the lie of 'having a career" being the be-all end all point of life. I know it can provide purpose, but what good is any success without someone to share it with?
Richard! That’s it! Absolutely it - the state of confusion is a reflection of the toxic relationship! I would spend so much time replaying the interactions trying so hard to “figure” out what was going on. Bless you. It makes it all so clear now. 💡
Mine had all kinds of porn ppl msg him and meet girls in Philly shit. He never erased them. Locked his phone. Etc. Then I hear he was smoking crack w a prostitute! I told him to stay the fuck away from me. It is the worst form of disrespect.
This was absolutely wild. I cannot believe you know about the “but what about you” argument so many times I tried so hard to say what you just said about our relationship. Wow.
I felt confused, couldnt make a decision, crying most days, always questioning . he was talking to women telling them he was single. Saw a naked pic of his ex. He blew up in rage when i confronted him about it. I had anxiety, stress n depression. He accused me if going to meet other men. I couldnt talk on the phone. He would be right there wanting to know who it was. I couldnt tell him no.
He didn't trust you - not because of anything you were or weren't doing but because of what he was doing. I learnt this the hard way too. My ex-husband did exactly the same. It was so confusing, I couldn't figure out where he'd plucked these ridiculous notions from? Well, it came from his own behaviour; he was cheating, used online dating, etc., and to avoid blame (which narcissists do), he transferred all his wrong doings onto me, the faithful, loving wife who regularly bent over backwards to TRY keep him happy. Now, I work on loving myself and keeping me happy. Wishing you luck on your life journey 🌻🌄
@@cmmontrose1469 I am in the same situation. But not financially able to leave yet. I have been going with the flow for 20 years and putting up with all his abuse. He made it look so normal. Like all men behave this way in America. A guy thing he said. As a foreigner I didn't understand his game. Thanks Richard for enlightening me.
I felt like alice falling down the rabbit hole literally! But once i realise that the head doctors diagnosis of his bpd which i though was allbullshit at the time ,then it was walk and dont look bk and look at my own shit and why i got sick and i unravelled.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother, married a narcissist, divorced him then spent 10 years in a relationship with another narcissist...left him feeling invisible, hollow and very confused about my identity. Now I'm in my third ever relationship I can't tell if he has narcissistic tendencies or if because of my past relationships that I've become the toxic/narcissist. I've become manipulative and coercive, never noticed until I started listening to this video. I don't want to be this person but I'm responding to conflict and manipulation by counter manipulation. How do I get me back?
You aren't alone. Same here. Now 56, long-term single but seriously waking up and learning! Got a cat who loves me 💖 Still need to find my "voice" and remember that I'm not less/worse than the next person hence I do not need to tolerate anyone's disrespect (or abuse).
I've watched this about 4 times now. This is really everything a codependent or anyone looking outside themselves for completion needs to know. It truly is, excellent analogies and all, such a clear, throrough, kind, thoughtful and funny message. Stop, shut up, by yourself, for yourself...Thank you again for getting through the concrete that is my skull.
I just stumbled on this... as I normally don't get time for 1 hour long UA-cams --- but you know, we're still in lockdown in Melbourne, Australia. You really speak my language, all of the time, but especially going down this deeply esoteric and spiritual information. Yup, when the devil can't reach you he sends a narcissist 🤣 So yeah, Anunnaki don't want any of us leaving this world, so they do all they can to cause drama, chaos, injury, wounding and suffering to bring us back into our skin.
I’m so grateful for your advice. I am getting a lot from it, including an elevated sense of inner peace. Baby steps but I’m glad to have this support. All the best to you.
Got out of abusive 4 year relationship, 3 years ago, and still NOT ready to date, but out of so many videos i listened about narcissist recovery, yours are some of the best ones. Thank you!!!
Oh my goodness yes! I don't doubt that my ex was using covert coercion. He was definitely covert narc. Im only 4 months out of my marriage and I find it hard to answer people when they ask what happened. It's like I still can't put my finger on it. I know it was damaging, seriously damaging. :(
Depends if the "universe" is made like that. Which we don't know much about. Most of it is speculative. Is reality good or bad? If it is good why would it discriminate in such a humanlike way? I think we always try to make the unknown known and we do it in a way we can relate to. Just look at religion. Or anything else we've made. It's made in our image. I guess we'll see when the time comes but nonetheless I think it is wise to turn experience into wisdom. To accept reality within and without and to integrate the lessons we're living through. Who knows. Lots of confused shamans/gurus/lifecoaches tries to shove their version of truth down your troat but I think the competition thing is useless. It's just another manifestastion of ego. Me against you, winning and losing, us and them.
This relates to what my therapist said. He said, if your gut pings and a flash of confusion or doubt goes through your mind, listen to it. Address it immediately. Do not ignore your own instincts, even if they're occasionally wrong. Trusting your gut is respectful of yourself. This isn't to say that if you have a paranoid personality it will work, just within the realm of "normal" intuition.
The thing is what I like about this video is that you're saying something that is so intrinsic to our existence. We absolutely, unequivocally have no bloody idea what we're doing here on this planet, in this universe. It's not easy being here because there are literally SEVERAL things we have zero control over, and just the idea of even existing at all is absolutely awe-inspiring.
Coercion seems to be interwoven into the dating paradigm. Being seen through the lens of the 'Potential ' of a relationship insures that it will slowly come seeping in. It's a contagion that seems to infuse contemporary relationship dynamics.
Star Trek analogy is bravo, standing ovation worthy. My sensors have been signaling the Klingon attack for at least 32 years. Worried how I've affected, injured, damaged my sons...
I coined the term "covert coercive control" in my mind to make sense of my toxic marriage to my ex narc. I tried to find validation for the term, I found one blog piece online, but I'm so glad I'm hearing it from you Richard and glad that you recognise it as a form of coercive control. My cafcass officer denied there being coercive control because non of it was overt- I was making the decisions to give up my resources to the point of depletion, but he was there in the background manipulating with silent treatment, withholding affection, refusing communication. And yes I was drowned in confusion until I realised he was emotionally abusive and a narcissist.
U'r doing a HUGE service. All I had was a book entitled Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them. Once I got space & distance, I could clearly recognize that Love was a misnomer; exploitation on every level, verbal abuse, property breakage, & no respect whatsoever. To the community, he presented as a soft-spoken English teacher. Behind closed doors, I was terrified of him.
Wow “bringing the karma of generations with us and the battlefield is love” Its so refreshing to have someone bring empirical knowledge and education together in such a holistic way 🙏
“Don’t hate trauma.” Love that! How DO you do this?! This one is brilliant! So amazing. You are hitting all the high notes - and all in one talk. I really like that your background is so eclectic and you can so easily reach into your bag of wisdom and pull out what you need to make your point(s). Beautiful. Soothing. Hopeful. Listening to you is like drinking a chocolate shake😋. Yum!
This makes me wonder what happened to people when they stopped respecting the rolling hills, the sun, trees and the rest of the creatures. People have lost their place in the world. Humans are not everything. If you love the planet you can love each other. If you show respect for the planet you will respect each other just a little more. When I met my lost dogs and they recovered and helped me recover, I learned love without manipulation...just fun and acceptance. They grew old and passed, but I am grateful for the time we had. No human is going to push me down into sorrow again! Everybody needs to check their own heads. I am so grateful for Richard and the humor he gives this heavy subject. What a relief!
Thanks for confirming this: Positive intent/inviting fiend to talk things work, without blame etc but when they don't and then blame-shift, gaslighting, triangulate, meltdown/panic, attempt to tell you what your reality is - nope,nopety no no, not being manipulted - love them - wish them well but noopeee
Your comments about Alchemy are precisely why when I began my photography business I named myself Lady Alchemy Photography because my whole life has been turning crap into gold. I have recently began actively doing that by filing for divorce from my Malignant Narcissistic husband last year and now battling for full custody of our 4 year old daughter. My story of healing and abuse that I need to start writing again is "Mayday, Mayday Someone Killed the Lights Where Do We Go From Here (Be Your Own Hero)". It's my story of walking and at times running away from bad relationships and finally doing things for myself. So thank you for sharing this thought of make your own crap and life into gold!!
I had some wonderful conversations with my massage therapist after I told him I didn't care for the tinkling spa music that he was compelled to play by the office management. Subjects ranged from middle school fart jokes to permaculture, trigger point therapy to metaphysics, non-western religions to fungal neural networks under the forest floor. All that to say: one of our conversations centered around the Philosopher's Stone and transmuting lead into gold. As we continued the discussion, I wondered about the internal transition in terms of the perception of value. In that sense, lead could be conceived of as gold given the adjustment of internal perceptions of what is presented in the physical world. The philosopher becomes the "Stone" and recognizes the value of what is present. There is no point. Just a ramble about the Philosopher's Stone and transmuting pain.
Just a couple hours ago my ex & I got into it. As he was preparing to leave (he'd stopped by to complain how yet another person threw him out & also to use my shower & eat my food) he said, "So am I succumbed to carrying my dirty clothes around?" When I questioned him about "what he was getting at," he got super mad, accused me of gaslighting him & trying to start an argument, called me a bitch & a valley girl (er...hunh?) After storming out & coming right back in, I was able to get him quieted down enough to explain exactly what you're saying here: he was using a victim stance to covertly convince (manipulate) me into doing his laundry, and not only that, to OFFER it up w/o being asked. I told him if he wants something, he needs simply to ask! Does he want me to do his laundry? Be straightfoward - be clear - don't try to guilt me into doing it! Your videos are helping so much - thank you!
Courageous. I happen to like woo. The missing ingredient. I thought judgment was the problem - the garden of Eden. That's what messed things up. heard in a cool share. Makes sense. Good or bad. That's the problem. And perhaps a solution. Acceptance. Ends suffering. Love you, dude. Legend.
I tried the whole “we should have rules on how we speak to each other” as it relates to conflict. I was told I’m trying to “control” him, muffle him, restrict his expression, etc. Then when I said that I just want to have healthier conflict, he went on (mockingly) about my being the “expert” on what healthy conflict is. This entire interaction just screamed toxic to me. It’s like now we were fighting on HOW to fight.
Your analogy works quite well. The reason that the sensors remane on, is because I/we are constantly reminded of what we've gone through, every time you look into a mirror, you see the metaphorical scars and burns. Because of intermittent conditioning, we are always on high alert, not knowing if we are jumping at shadows, or if the threat has returned. It is the intermittent conditioning that plays havoc in ones mind. Because it was sporadic, you are never quite sure when the abuse will start again, it's not like you can see the deceased corpse of your abuse, and say "it's dead, now we're safe."
Oh Richard. What is the rage? The constant judgement that I have an evil agenda when all I do is keep house. The screaming. Saying what I want just causes rage. I'd do anything to avoid it. I can hear no. That's ok. But it comes so aggressively with accusations. To be fair if I stay quiet thats wrong too and I get the same. Following you has helped enormously but sometimes nothing works. Is this confusion, coercion? I'm done with researching. Its just difficult to be assertive when you cant get a word out for being talked over. I need to rewatch this. Bad day. Thank you so much.
Sweetie - it's time for you stand up to the abuse and know that you deserve better and leave. He won't change. It's hard but it will only get worse. You can't fix it. Protect yourself. Don't trust him. Get help and get out. He will drain you.
@@djwendy after this video I'm going to try tomorrow. I'm going to say the words Richards said. Iv done it before. It resulted in hell and total isolation so I'm scared. I was by myself 4 years. And I mean totally. But to me what Richard says is reasonable. This type of communication is utterly destructive. I hold my hands up too. I manage, I manipulate, I fawn to keep peace. I no longer know what to do to find caring communication from him. Other than say what Richard suggests. Its true I'm confused. I no longer look to label him. I'm not sure about coercion. He just has an unpredictable temper and its vicious. From angel to demon in minutes. I just want resolution. I'm doing it tomorrow and I'm scared. Thank you so much for your reply.
@@nolitedesbastardescarborun51 Please do what you need to do to keep yourself safe while you're saying the words. I understand it is scary. I was terrified of my mother for decades even though she never raised a hand to me. If you need to physically leave, then do it. And please let us know how it went for you. You have a whole community of people here wishing the best for you, praying for you if that's their thing, and wanting to see you thrive and live your one and only life being surrounded with good people who want the best for you, not who want to damage you.
I can 1000% experientially relate.. to What you are saying; to This particular moment of time; with your Current Way of thinking/being/surviving; coupled with What you are being Given to manage, daily, moment to moment.. To share a few instant feelings, and thoughts, your way; (.. and feel free to only hear only something that speaks to you♥️.. as I am just making up my own path, all the time! Lol.. while I go along my journey ;P Lol) Anywhooo.. here’s some love, cheerleading, thoughts your way ;D Hope your day is as beautiful as you! You are seen. You’re acknowledgement, and outloud speaking, of your feelings (fear); and immediately followed up, with a committed stand statement; is .. Awesome. And Inspiring. And shares Conquering. And instills Hope. You are heard, And you are seen.
I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and when I friend told me she’s been diagnosed with CPSD which I had never heard of before, and therefore she explained that the C stands for complex, my immediate response was “hang on isn’t PTSD complex enough”?
Whatever bears affinity to cunning is despicable. Fitzwilliam Darcy This Is so important and helps me Tremendously. Ty Richie yes leveling up because: endgame.
I highly appreciate your emphasis on how toxic manipulation actually is. In general. This is something, as you mentioned, that's [hyper] normalized way too much. So much so, that we almost don't recognize it when it comes along.
The gift of prophecy is for healing. The purpose of prophecy is salvation. The definition of salvation includes mental health and wholeness. I really like how you put it in the perspective of hope for the best in a future outlook on life. This is why faith and a positivity is such a help in physical and mental healing. Thank you.
@@alondraacosta-mora6504 There's a theory that we continue to reincarnate to learn/evolve from our relationships. So say in this lifetime you're the empath, the next you'll be the narc. Allegedly we have relationships with twin flames for eg for growth. Have you not personally evolved most during times of great adversity?
0:36 - State Of Confusing
2:25 - You Start Investigation
3:53 - Coercion
8:39 - If... You are in a toxic relationship.
13:45 - How To Deal With It
19:08 - Everyone Is Traumatizing
25:23 - Trauma Is Everywhere. AND IT'S OKAY
30:10 - What Are We Doing Here? You don't really need to know
36:14 - We Are Built For Connection
42:08 - Final Point
Q&A Section
47:11 - When You Have Been Hurt That Much, How Do You Heal From It Internally?
50:30 - The Reptilian Brain Will Keep You Traumatized
Very sobering talk. Thank you.
You got your Alchemist Egypt crap. We hot out god.
Do you even know what alchemy really is ? Who the Rosicrucians were ? I know your atheist and you have no connection to source. Source is the one true god. Not the JESUIT multigod system that permiated egypt and corrupted the pharaohs and then moved to Israel..
Thank you.. 💛
velveteyes79, Thank you for illustrating the rigidity of organized religion and it’s fanatics. Your sad belief system is not part of other peoples’ lives, i.e. Jains, Hindus, Jews, etc., etc. You want to be respected, you need to respect others.
I love when you said “The real alchemy is when you change pain and suffering into a higher consciousness”
If you have to stay up googling what the hell is this then yes it’s toxic
Facts 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Kristel Lmaooooo
Like bloody columbo 😂
Omg yes. Imagine if we didn't google their bullshit behaviour
Kristel omg what to do then??
In my 71 years, it has come to me that covert coercion is the most common and insidious method. Media uses i. Politicians use it, Religion uses it. Authority figures use it. Lovers use it. Parents and children use it. And it is so easy, when you are sensitive and intuitive, to fall for it. But intuition, I believe, eventually wakes us up.
Thank you for opening me.
I am about your age and have also come to this conclusion.
Yes!
Amen 🙏🌹
Me: Reads this comment first before the video. 'okay let's learn what covert coerxion is.'
Candace DeLong, FBI Psychological Profiler, once stated, "People who are trying to abuse you know exactly how to use the subtle technique that flies under the radar." "They use that subtle verbal technique purposely for you to question yourself and your judgment." "The abuser still needs to appear socially appropriate."
MLS66 ....yes !
@@jengable4888 I am so glad that you liked my quote from Candace DeLong. When I first heard her make that statement, it rang so true and opened my eyes to what I had been suppressing throughout my life. Keep this statement in mind going forward, and you will be better off. Have a great day!
As painful as this is, I needed to hear it ❤
I spent my childhood in the library psychology section during the seventies, trying to work out what the hell was going on with the people around me. I had to wait for the internet to come into existence before I finally got some answers.
truthmerchant1 this is when I say “bless this tech” - for all the pitfalls, it’s truly a blessing
@@LauraPerez-kr8bn I read that book about 10 years ago. It explained so much and validated what I had experienced but had not been able to make sense of.
@@RICHARDGRANNON I'm over 60 and all relationships were same...finally, finally know why. Long and winding road (Rascal Flatts...sorry, broken road) to get me here, but I trust the plan. God Bless!
Yes
Exactly, I second that, so, so true!!!!
Young children cannot "handle trauma," they just endure it and those experiences have repercussions.
Yes...I think this refers to my question about dissociation
:(( my poor baby has seen so much. I officially finally split from her dad and I'm trying to heal from codependency. I cannot believe I allowed her to witness so much crap
@@kaylawilkins5731 better not leave her for grandparents like my mother did after divorce. Now shes desperate for my company but im simply not interested
Richard, I’ve been watching you since 2016 and was in an abusive relationship with a psycho and now I’m with a wonderful man, like you. I remember I’d watch your videos back then and wish I could be blessed with a man like you. Someone kind and understanding and who has experience with abusive partners and has grown from it and of course a handsome and happy man (like you) and I got him! You have been a huge part of my self healing and recovery and I’m so grateful for you and your channel. Thank you.
Julian Burr sounds like you straight up manifested homeboy from the intro dimensional places 🦑 💫. You’re request was congruent and aligned 🙏
@@RICHARDGRANNON best reply ever💖💖💖
Congrats on finding your person!
❤🌹❤🙏😊🌹 the same storry here... After 4 years of abuse and 4 years alonn in terapy and watching Richard, I one day just mainifestetet my loving man from the Votex 🙏🌹❤😊 thank you.
I really wish I could. I am an empath stuck in quarantine with a Narcissist... I have started playing the narcissist game against him. He is oblivious. Timing is everything. I hate doing it cuz it takes alot from me being manipulative but it is the only way I can feel no guilt when it's all said and done so he wont be able to guilt me back. Example... he cosigned for another camper as the one we are in needs alot of work. His guilt tripping me to be back with me last time was he was homeless... so... I got a new camper, will fix other one, and then tell him to bugger off and leave him with one of the campers. He is no longer homeless. After that, i am moving to Arizona and changing my numbers. I have been in this toxic relationship for 6 years with 2 years of couples therapy and the same stupid conversations over and over. I recognize "shut up gifts" for what they are. He has lied to me since day one, to the point his own father had to tell me that it was HIS life story was what my "bf" was telling me was his. Even his dad and step mom saw what I was going through and told me to get away from him. I will no doubt cuz I have literally shut down emotions from him (upside to empath along with reflecting those negative emotions back at him). I have become an empathic sniper.. lol. But I still seek my soulmate. I KNOW he is out there... I just miss him soooooo much. I have dreamed of him and to feel the love of another empath like me... nothing compares. Really wish he would find me, like he promised me he would when I was 13. I am going to turn 45 in June.
"If this relationship isn't right for me, then I'd really rather not be in it." Yep. I'd rather be free and on my own.
👏👏👏
👍✌🤟🖖👋
muTube So very correct!
I can't find the emoji for "standing ovation"...
Narsufin 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔
The confusion. Right from day one. 4 years of confusion which left me a shell of a person. Unable to make any decisions because I had zero trust in myself and my decision-making abilities. I was literally googling how do I know if I should leave my relationship! I actually found a book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay lol! It should have been about 2 pages long, and just say 'if you've bought this book you should just get out!' Those were nutty, hellish times and I am loving my very easy life now. I know you say we are meant to have intimacy and love and connection but frankly I'm so terrified of ever getting myself back in any kind of situation where I start losing myself, I'm way too content and at peace now to mess with it!
I can relate...
Contentment in being single is underrated. Keep your peace, it's priceless!
Ditto omg!
@@Here_Today_ I agree... I crave the contentment of singlehood. It's just my trauma bonding that's keeping me hooked...😔
Haha I read that book too!
I just want to send cyber hugs to anyone here who has endured a really long and difficult relationship where they feel bound by contracts/children or financial dependency with a toxic partner. I am so relieved and happy I realised when I did and walked away. (Ran then hitchiked through the snow actually. ) This going over this chapter has finished for me. Thanks for all the videos Richard.
Hugs back and thanks....
Hugs back at ya
Thanks. I had someone hint at the fact that when they dont get what they want from the relationship they dont care where the relationship goes. I got discarded.
Thank you
It causes so much pain. Blessings to you too 💞
“Don’t hate trauma, but be ready to handle it”.... quote of the day by Richard Grannon ! Perfectly said Richard ! ☺️🙏💕
That statement hit me hard, and helped me in so many ways.
Annette Fisher,hope you are not with a narcissist!
@@lioydwilliams1850 not anymore I’m not ... but I most certainly was !! 😕
Awesome.
Your investment in caring about humanity has exceeded what others couldn't hold a candle to. You are multi-talented. Your videos are so much more important than you may realize. I'm not saying this to patronize you.
There are tons of people who are on UA-cam, but you have mastered many modes of discipline. The genius in your teachings is that you are able to include ultruistic, ancient & modern methods and cut to the chase. Well done Richard. How can any words express how thankful or grateful I and surely many others are, that you are in the world. 💙💙💙
It would be great to hear you extrapolate on the concept of impermanence and continuous becoming.
When I first started meditating, I listened to Buddhist videos. It helped me to understand that change is the natural order of living. Clinging causes suffering.
I am not religious or ascribe to any system, but the wisdom in the 4 noble truths and 8 fold path, was enlightening.
✌🌷
LimitlessThinker Thankyou
LimitlessThinker Agreed! Excellent comment👍👏I clap for you!
exactly, Richard Grannon is really doing a Geaaaaat Work! 🌿🍀🌺
"STOP being a Beggar!!.... ENOUGH of Begging for love, begging for kindness, begging for attention, begging for companionship, begging for support. "
"STOP being a DOG!!.... dogs get sooo emotionally bonded with his human. Goes crazy when he's around. Will do anything for the human. Soo attached. Gets soo dependent on the human. Get so sad, restless, and anticipative when the human leaves house. Becomes obedient. Wants to please the human.
By default the human leaves him many times. He is a human.
Occasionally puts him in a chain or a Cage!
The accepts . He said a dog . "
"INSTEAD of being a beggar, be the one to give. Cultivate all those good qualities IN you... so that one day, instead of begging for those things, YOU can be the one to give away kindness , care, attention, a listening ear to OTHERS.
There are 7 billion people on this planet and even more living beings. Why waste your life staying bonded to a handful of people. Let go. MOVE ON. Come out of the box"
Richard I quoted from a Buddhist Monk. These were the parting advice on the final day recap of a long self help advice series on virtue, happiness, peace, investigative reflection, knowledge of the way of the world, release and liberation.
* the dog accepts. He is a dog
“ only dead fish go with the flow...😁💕🌷
GK Chesterton originated this metaphor in 1910. Really good one.
my X said I felt like a dead fish (: lol and that we were the perfect fitted pair of gloves....oh dear how young and foolish I was ;)
@@debbiekostiuk8825 I was young and foolish over my ex too. Fortunately I read GK Chesterton and life is greatly improved now.
@@christinesbetterknitting4533
Thankyou and here's some quotes from him :)
The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
The reason angels can fly is because they take themselves lightly.
An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.
A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.
The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.
The world will never starve for want of wonders; but only for want of wonder.
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
My ex-narc always accused me of being a detective and also a lawyer because I was always defending myself and my grandson from his abuse. He even had the gall to ask me why I could have a 45 minute conversation with one of his friends without arguing. I told him it was an adult conversation and it was very refreshing to do so. Lol! When I would try to talk to the ex-narc, it was like talking to a 7 year old who has tantrums.
You are so right. How refreshing it is to talk to a child, instead of a Narc. The child is often way more honest and mature than a Narc. !
You are so right. Some people you cannot speak to without it turning into an argument. It leaves you confused and you think, how did we get to this subject when it didn't start that way? How did it turn to crap basically? and then your head starts to hurt and you feel ill.
You noticed that too?? Mine tells me all the time to stop talking to him like he is a child, I tell him to stop acting like one. I have 5 kids and 2 grandkids I dont need another child.
So true. Can not carry any type of conversation at all with my husband. Especially when we talk about his misbehaving ways. He fly off in a rage.
Yes they act like bloody children. I'm so glad you are out of it. My narcissist are constantly interfering with new apts and jobs I get! Like fuck,he should grow the fuck up! A healthy person doesn't frickin have to constantly undermine a woman,only a pathetic insecure vindictive person does that. I'm so glad you are safe. Maybe it'll happen for me one day....
Emapths should find each other.. we could set up empaths dating app..but the Narcs will abuse it.
Lindsay Rose I Feeling Richard.. introduce me to him pls. The only person I’ve seen that I like a lot. Hope he’s like this in real life..
That's a great idea. Instead of a regular dating site you have to befriend ppl of your own gender. Then those ppl rate you. Often N and Ps can't pull the wool over their own gender as well.
Please
Lol! ❤️
I love this idea.. and it makes me giggle because covert narcs would damn RUIN it. They fancy themselves the queens and kings of the empaths. They feel SOOOO much and they are SOOOOOO feeling all the feels and no one else ever understands just how much they FEEL. I have compassion for them tho - it's easy to confuse an inner storm of tormenting self absorbed shame & angst - for empathy. ;)
“you know when you are being covertly coerced, because you can feel it”
Thank you!! 😔
Richard, I hung on every second of that 55 minute video. Mind blown. I have just said STOP after 6 years of suffering in my relationship. Now to focus on re-sealing my heart. I AM MINE.
Thats exactly it, youre confused and look look and look and finally you end up finding narcissism. It took me 2 years until I found a psychology student who directed me to it and BINGO!
My ultimate goal is to grow- this is where I always end up when I end any relationship- I'm accused of not valuing the relationship- untrue- I value it - I'm just changing at a rate and a way the other person isn't happy with. Do I stagnate to keep someone else happy? No- my life my journey 👍
Same
go with your healthy self 👊🏼
Yes! This is how I feel as well!
@thefalsecritic Its a great question, Imma do a video called "why its a waste of time to study psychology" and really piss the British Psych Society off! :D
RICHARD GRANNON SPARTANLIFECOACH Nice.
Please Do that Video!! I have always somewhat regretted my time spent on psych degree, just glad I stopped at bachelor's. Lol.
LOVE come to Jesus meetings especially with public school administrators!! Been doing those lots lately on behalf of keeping ALL these behaviors from continuing at the expense of High School kiddos.
Still scary to do but wouldn't have even been able to start to go against them previously. ☺️
I Know like I know like I know that....
I DO NOT KNOW!!🙃😂🤣😂🤣🙋
I always say I'm fascinated with psychology. But not enough to get a degree in it.
Omarra67 stay fascinated stay curious - a degree will kill both 😂
Just do your own reading ... this is 👌🏾
"That's a trapped human being man". THANKYOU! When someone has codependency because of generational, emotional, mental, conditioning etc, they will grow resentful of being around a covertly coercive person because of their inability to say no and serve out of unjust guilt and obligation. So of course a few years down the line, they will become bitter, nasty, manipulative because they feel trapped not only by the covert pressure from their partner(who could be a narcissist), but also by their own codependency. Thank you for clarifying that. People are SO QUICK to label someone a narcissist, crazy, unstable, just because they didn't receive consensual gratification from their partner. People have emotions, just because they display anger and rage doesn't mean they are a full blown narcissist. They might've just been trained to never say no.
That moment in 'V for Vendetta' when she's in prison (with shaved head) and has that breakthrough and stops being afraid....that's a good leveling up :)
That's one of my favourite movies! I've both a background in martial arts and too much experience dealing with narcissistic abuse and trauma - from parents to then (due to narc parenting destroying my self-esteem, sense of boundaries, assertiveness) being a "people-pleaser" and attracting narcissists as so-called "friends", so can relate to the breakthrough moment although it took years of dedicated effort by myself to work on the issues referred to (self-esteem etc.) and stop being an attractive target for narcissists.
It did take years as mentioned and I think in part the time to heal was related to the fact that this was when the internet wasn't widely available, and nor was there all the helpful information about narcissism and techniques to identity and deal with narcissistic people that's available nowadays. One thing I wish looking back is that I'd had access to the information available now back then! It would've saved me so much time, energy, and suffering due to prolonged contact with and abuse by narcissists. Whilst I'm definitely very glad I put in that work, and no longer am attractive to narcissists - who will sense those that are good 'supply' for them - I am somewhat envious (albeit not in a negative manner, if you understand my meaning!) of both teenagers and adults today who have the plethora of information about narcissism and toxic relationships available to them, much of it online and also available in books, both hardcopy, e-books and/or audio books. They've often no idea how fortunate they are in this respect!
I want to watch that now. I love that scene.
It's similar to the scene in the Labrynth when the girl realised that the Goblin King has no power over her 😁
@@amandadixon9548 thanks! 😁
I believe I heard we break the generational karma, when we choose to deal appropriately with it & to heal from it.
Thank you for confirming the "gut instinct " is something to be heeded. I thought I was being covertly coerced, turns out that is the modus operandi of my narcissist. I have learned over time that those "unspoken expectations " were nothing more than me being gaslit to carry out his agenda. I have also learned that NO is a very empowering word. Thx again for the wisdom--
I wish my child was that smart - to realize she is being coerced in the most disgustingly subtle way to do everything on her useless covert narcissistic husband's agenda. It is mind blowing how he is abusing her and then after she gives him the silent treatment he sucks her back with all she wants to see - just for a day or two and then continues with the abuse...
I'm going through it right now hun I'm making decisions
Dude. I'm going to have to re-watch this in chunks to unpack it all - this was amazing!
“Generational Karma,” so true. We need to break the cycle.
I honestly appreciate the new path you are taking in your work by not over focusing on the narcissist but to empower people to deal with their own wounds and close the entry points to toxic behaviors and relationships. I truly believe this is essential for our healing path. It’s really great to see this side of you 💜
I’ve talked to a couple of friends and a counsellor and I’ve been told I’m being hypersensitive and that’s just how men behave. Have we become so insensitive, socialised and adapted we can no longer trust our instincts? Bad behaviour makes us feel uncomfortable. I look at the other relationships in my life, my friends don’t try to control me? Why do the men I date, question me or try to control me? And other people tell me that’s acceptable.
As a survivor of childhood incest aaaaaand more recently narc abuse, your rumination on how WE have to be our own prophets and say “stop”, stop these ways of being w one another landed kind of like a little miracle in my heart. Thanks for this, Richard.🙏🏻
Deb Talan,hope you are not with a narcissist!
🤣🤣 “….in socks…” Omg I haven’t laughed like that in a LONG time🤣😂 So flippin true!!
So refreshing. Thank you for not sugar coating what we need to do to heal and stop the cycle of trauma.
Irma Francis,hope you are not with a narcissist!
Question: When I'm with a person who has a very black view of humanity, like "you have to be on top of the game to survive, there is no one you can trust in this world, women are manipulative, men are exploitative" and so on. I get overwhelmed with sadness, scared and feel intensive pain, I want to cry, scream to the person to stop talking, or leave the situation. What can this be I experience at that moment?
I don't live with that type of belief systems myself. I feel and experience love, hope, trust, connections everywhere I am, with all sorts of people, animals, nature. But I grew up with a dad who has this negative, black and white thinking, jealous and judgmental about anyone and anything. Demanding all attention and servitude for only him self.
I'm thinking, my reactions are my whole body, mind, soul shouting stop, no more. I do not surrender to your version. I have a right to my own.
Anyone ells who feels like this? In pain, like being tormented by how negative, angry, mean, cold someone is in their expressions about other people?
I had the same dad. I have to consciously fight that negative tendency. I'm repelled by it too because I don't want that in my adult life.
Relationship maintenance? What a waste of time and time is all we have so don’t waste it on dead beats.
What finally broke me free from the emotional abuse, confusion, and investigation was finally realizing that either my perception is wrong or hers is; I feel victimized, blamed, shamed, invalidated so I want out. If she feels that I'm the problem and worthy of such contempt and hostility, then why is she fighting so hard to pull me back in and FINALLY now that I've left is "apologizing"? Yeah, it's pretty clear cut. Either she's abusive and I'm right to leave her, or I'm abusive and it's the right thing for me to leave her alone. By her own logic, if I'm the asshole who is to blame and shame for everything wrong in her life, then the right thing is for me to gracefully exit from her life.
One exception for covert coercion is when you must hide more vegetables or good herbs in children’s food. It is definitely better for them . Lol . I advocate this one use.
what if you're family of origin is narcissistic, and you've never BEEN loved, and that's all you want? I recognized my issues with attracting toxic relationships and why a long time ago, spent decades being single, and I know that I want or need to grow, is intimacy and commitment. Is it wrong to want that, above anything else? Ive seen through the lie of 'having a career" being the be-all end all point of life. I know it can provide purpose, but what good is any success without someone to share it with?
Not wrong.Totally natural.Try CODA and SEX AND Love Anonymous...anorexia
I’ve tried the bad karma thing and they usually stare back at me with empty eyes...and keep being toxic.
Fish Breath then you may exercise your power... the power of foot movement
"The power of foot movement". I use it all the time now😃
Richard! That’s it! Absolutely it -
the state of confusion is a reflection of the toxic relationship! I would spend so much time replaying the interactions trying so hard to “figure” out what was going on. Bless you. It makes it all so clear now. 💡
💯 plus they take their phone to the loo 😁
Empower Empaths, sounds like a cheater. My ex-narc did that too.
@Britt Rubin yep. Lol
Well, my boyfriend often takes his phone to the bathroom and watches math videos without headphones 😑😂 don’t know what his diagnosis would be.
For hours! WTH is that about?!
Mine had all kinds of porn ppl msg him and meet girls in Philly shit. He never erased them. Locked his phone. Etc. Then I hear he was smoking crack w a prostitute! I told him to stay the fuck away from me. It is the worst form of disrespect.
This was absolutely wild. I cannot believe you know about the “but what about you” argument so many times I tried so hard to say what you just said about our relationship. Wow.
I got my Helpdesk homies working on an edit if the Star Trek analogy with some visuals 💫
“I don’t know but this is what I’m experiencing” perfect
I felt confused, couldnt make a decision, crying most days, always questioning . he was talking to women telling them he was single. Saw a naked pic of his ex. He blew up in rage when i confronted him about it. I had anxiety, stress n depression. He accused me if going to meet other men. I couldnt talk on the phone. He would be right there wanting to know who it was. I couldnt tell him no.
He didn't trust you - not because of anything you were or weren't doing but because of what he was doing.
I learnt this the hard way too. My ex-husband did exactly the same. It was so confusing, I couldn't figure out where he'd plucked these ridiculous notions from? Well, it came from his own behaviour; he was cheating, used online dating, etc., and to avoid blame (which narcissists do), he transferred all his wrong doings onto me, the faithful, loving wife who regularly bent over backwards to TRY keep him happy.
Now, I work on loving myself and keeping me happy. Wishing you luck on your life journey 🌻🌄
@@cmmontrose1469 I am in the same situation. But not financially able to leave yet. I have been going with the flow for 20 years and putting up with all his abuse. He made it look so normal. Like all men behave this way in America. A guy thing he said. As a foreigner I didn't understand his game. Thanks Richard for enlightening me.
"I'm just an entity that wears socks." Mate, I really need to put your lines in a novel one of these days X'D
Wow, this was so much more than I expected from a video on “how to know if you’re in a toxic relationship”
So true Richard we do live in a dog eat dog world . Our world is full of chaos , drama , lies , deceit , manipulation , violence , oh yes trauma .
😩🤣🤣🤣🤣u crack me up..
More then that.,I trust myself after listening to u. Unlocked a whole heap of healing..
I felt like alice falling down the rabbit hole literally! But once i realise that the head doctors diagnosis of his bpd which i though was allbullshit at the time ,then it was walk and dont look bk and look at my own shit and why i got sick and i unravelled.
I had anxiety attacks from being around my narc husband and his bipolar mom
I was raised by a narcissistic mother, married a narcissist, divorced him then spent 10 years in a relationship with another narcissist...left him feeling invisible, hollow and very confused about my identity. Now I'm in my third ever relationship I can't tell if he has narcissistic tendencies or if because of my past relationships that I've become the toxic/narcissist. I've become manipulative and coercive, never noticed until I started listening to this video. I don't want to be this person but I'm responding to conflict and manipulation by counter manipulation. How do I get me back?
You aren't alone. Same here. Now 56, long-term single but seriously waking up and learning! Got a cat who loves me 💖 Still need to find my "voice" and remember that I'm not less/worse than the next person hence I do not need to tolerate anyone's disrespect (or abuse).
You must be an empath, which is a prime target for these sick minded people. Do things that you enjoy and avoid stress (i.e. strife, conflict..etc..).
I've watched this about 4 times now. This is really everything a codependent or anyone looking outside themselves for completion needs to know. It truly is, excellent analogies and all, such a clear, throrough, kind, thoughtful and funny message. Stop, shut up, by yourself, for yourself...Thank you again for getting through the concrete that is my skull.
Maggie Garrison,hope you are not with a narcissist!
I just stumbled on this... as I normally don't get time for 1 hour long UA-cams --- but you know, we're still in lockdown in Melbourne, Australia. You really speak my language, all of the time, but especially going down this deeply esoteric and spiritual information.
Yup, when the devil can't reach you he sends a narcissist 🤣
So yeah, Anunnaki don't want any of us leaving this world, so they do all they can to cause drama, chaos, injury, wounding and suffering to bring us back into our skin.
Richard, I'm friggin stoked to see you walk out into the light publicly. This is what we need.
I’m so grateful for your advice. I am getting a lot from it, including an elevated sense of inner peace. Baby steps but I’m glad to have this support. All the best to you.
DeAnne Millais,your pretty smile can make the news!
Got out of abusive 4 year relationship, 3 years ago, and still NOT ready to date, but out of so many videos i listened about narcissist recovery, yours are some of the best ones. Thank you!!!
Oh my goodness yes! I don't doubt that my ex was using covert coercion. He was definitely covert narc. Im only 4 months out of my marriage and I find it hard to answer people when they ask what happened. It's like I still can't put my finger on it. I know it was damaging, seriously damaging. :(
Easier if they had an affair or beat you phsically you then you can explain it to others.
…whoever dies the most wise, wins. :)
Hilarious 😂😂😂😂 hopefully we wake up before they stab us with a knife
Depends if the "universe" is made like that. Which we don't know much about. Most of it is speculative. Is reality good or bad? If it is good why would it discriminate in such a humanlike way? I think we always try to make the unknown known and we do it in a way we can relate to. Just look at religion. Or anything else we've made. It's made in our image. I guess we'll see when the time comes but nonetheless I think it is wise to turn experience into wisdom. To accept reality within and without and to integrate the lessons we're living through. Who knows. Lots of confused shamans/gurus/lifecoaches tries to shove their version of truth down your troat but I think the competition thing is useless. It's just another manifestastion of ego. Me against you, winning and losing, us and them.
Calling spiritual truth "woo" is gas-lighting.
Thanks for another great video.
😉👍
This relates to what my therapist said. He said, if your gut pings and a flash of confusion or doubt goes through your mind, listen to it. Address it immediately. Do not ignore your own instincts, even if they're occasionally wrong. Trusting your gut is respectful of yourself. This isn't to say that if you have a paranoid personality it will work, just within the realm of "normal" intuition.
"...and the battlefield is Love."
Richard Grannon,
my highest appreciation!
Give me the wooo, because the wooo exists.
That's WU To you and he is a WU warrior. Say that three times fast.
The thing is what I like about this video is that you're saying something that is so intrinsic to our existence. We absolutely, unequivocally have no bloody idea what we're doing here on this planet, in this universe. It's not easy being here because there are literally SEVERAL things we have zero control over, and just the idea of even existing at all is absolutely awe-inspiring.
This should be required info in all schools, maybe starting in middle school.
You may have saved my life today. 52yrs of this. Thank you, so much.
Coercion seems to be interwoven into the dating paradigm. Being seen through the lens of the 'Potential ' of a relationship insures that it will slowly come seeping in. It's a contagion that seems to infuse contemporary relationship dynamics.
Star Trek analogy is bravo, standing ovation worthy. My sensors have been signaling the Klingon attack for at least 32 years. Worried how I've affected, injured, damaged my sons...
I coined the term "covert coercive control" in my mind to make sense of my toxic marriage to my ex narc. I tried to find validation for the term, I found one blog piece online, but I'm so glad I'm hearing it from you Richard and glad that you recognise it as a form of coercive control. My cafcass officer denied there being coercive control because non of it was overt- I was making the decisions to give up my resources to the point of depletion, but he was there in the background manipulating with silent treatment, withholding affection, refusing communication. And yes I was drowned in confusion until I realised he was emotionally abusive and a narcissist.
Hey Richard my cat is not a thing to me but rather my outsourced 9th sense of connecting to the field
Richard, you are truly appreciated. Thanks for making a positive impact for humanity.
Pain is pain. It’s always there
U'r doing a HUGE service. All I had was a book entitled Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them. Once I got space & distance, I could clearly recognize that Love was a misnomer; exploitation on every level, verbal abuse, property breakage, & no respect whatsoever. To the community, he presented as a soft-spoken English teacher. Behind closed doors, I was terrified of him.
I love 'Go with the Flow' that is what dead fish do!so true. All of it. Brilliant
During physical abuse dissociation. Later on super sensitive to higher enlightened perception.
Wow “bringing the karma of generations with us and the battlefield is love”
Its so refreshing to have someone bring empirical knowledge and education together in such a holistic way 🙏
It's such a profound episode. The title doesn't do it justice.
“Don’t hate trauma.” Love that! How DO you do this?! This one is brilliant! So amazing. You are hitting all the high notes - and all in one talk. I really like that your background is so eclectic and you can so easily reach into your bag of wisdom and pull out what you need to make your point(s). Beautiful. Soothing. Hopeful. Listening to you is like drinking a chocolate shake😋. Yum!
I have seen that VICE documentary. Crazy. Sad to know that family are your enemies sometimes too! Learnt that the hard way 😏
''Starship Enterprise" 😁
just brilliant
This makes me wonder what happened to people when they stopped respecting the rolling hills, the sun, trees and the rest of the creatures. People have lost their place in the world. Humans are not everything. If you love the planet you can love each other. If you show respect for the planet you will respect each other just a little more. When I met my lost dogs and they recovered and helped me recover, I learned love without manipulation...just fun and acceptance. They grew old and passed, but I am grateful for the time we had. No human is going to push me down into sorrow again! Everybody needs to check their own heads. I am so grateful for Richard and the humor he gives this heavy subject. What a relief!
How have I not found your work before??? I am at the beginning of my CPTSD journey, I'm in kindergarten with this stuff... Thank you.
"I'd rather have an ugly truth than a pretty lie.[ ...]seek 2 reduce the suffering 4 others & 4 yourself." Turn lead into gold. 'Golden woo!
Thanks for confirming this: Positive intent/inviting fiend to talk things work, without blame etc but when they don't and then blame-shift, gaslighting, triangulate, meltdown/panic, attempt to tell you what your reality is - nope,nopety no no, not being manipulted - love them - wish them well but noopeee
Your comments about Alchemy are precisely why when I began my photography business I named myself Lady Alchemy Photography because my whole life has been turning crap into gold. I have recently began actively doing that by filing for divorce from my Malignant Narcissistic husband last year and now battling for full custody of our 4 year old daughter. My story of healing and abuse that I need to start writing again is "Mayday, Mayday Someone Killed the Lights Where Do We Go From Here (Be Your Own Hero)". It's my story of walking and at times running away from bad relationships and finally doing things for myself. So thank you for sharing this thought of make your own crap and life into gold!!
I had some wonderful conversations with my massage therapist after I told him I didn't care for the tinkling spa music that he was compelled to play by the office management. Subjects ranged from middle school fart jokes to permaculture, trigger point therapy to metaphysics, non-western religions to fungal neural networks under the forest floor.
All that to say: one of our conversations centered around the Philosopher's Stone and transmuting lead into gold. As we continued the discussion, I wondered about the internal transition in terms of the perception of value. In that sense, lead could be conceived of as gold given the adjustment of internal perceptions of what is presented in the physical world. The philosopher becomes the "Stone" and recognizes the value of what is present.
There is no point. Just a ramble about the Philosopher's Stone and transmuting pain.
Wow the impact of this talk is mind blowing. The content Richard grannon delivers is a godsend .
That expression RG always has that's like "let's get down to business."
Just a couple hours ago my ex & I got into it. As he was preparing to leave (he'd stopped by to complain how yet another person threw him out & also to use my shower & eat my food) he said, "So am I succumbed to carrying my dirty clothes around?" When I questioned him about "what he was getting at," he got super mad, accused me of gaslighting him & trying to start an argument, called me a bitch & a valley girl (er...hunh?) After storming out & coming right back in, I was able to get him quieted down enough to explain exactly what you're saying here: he was using a victim stance to covertly convince (manipulate) me into doing his laundry, and not only that, to OFFER it up w/o being asked. I told him if he wants something, he needs simply to ask! Does he want me to do his laundry? Be straightfoward - be clear - don't try to guilt me into doing it! Your videos are helping so much - thank you!
Courageous. I happen to like woo. The missing ingredient. I thought judgment was the problem - the garden of Eden. That's what messed things up. heard in a cool share. Makes sense. Good or bad. That's the problem. And perhaps a solution. Acceptance. Ends suffering. Love you, dude. Legend.
This channel has really helped re-parent me. There truly is hope for the future. Thank you Richard.
I tried the whole “we should have rules on how we speak to each other” as it relates to conflict. I was told I’m trying to “control” him, muffle him, restrict his expression, etc. Then when I said that I just want to have healthier conflict, he went on (mockingly) about my being the “expert” on what healthy conflict is. This entire interaction just screamed toxic to me. It’s like now we were fighting on HOW to fight.
Your analogy works quite well. The reason that the sensors remane on, is because I/we are constantly reminded of what we've gone through, every time you look into a mirror, you see the metaphorical scars and burns. Because of intermittent conditioning, we are always on high alert, not knowing if we are jumping at shadows, or if the threat has returned. It is the intermittent conditioning that plays havoc in ones mind. Because it was sporadic, you are never quite sure when the abuse will start again, it's not like you can see the deceased corpse of your abuse, and say "it's dead, now we're safe."
Oh Richard. What is the rage? The constant judgement that I have an evil agenda when all I do is keep house. The screaming. Saying what I want just causes rage. I'd do anything to avoid it. I can hear no. That's ok. But it comes so aggressively with accusations. To be fair if I stay quiet thats wrong too and I get the same. Following you has helped enormously but sometimes nothing works. Is this confusion, coercion? I'm done with researching. Its just difficult to be assertive when you cant get a word out for being talked over. I need to rewatch this. Bad day. Thank you so much.
RUN.....
Sweetie - it's time for you stand up to the abuse and know that you deserve better and leave. He won't change. It's hard but it will only get worse. You can't fix it. Protect yourself. Don't trust him. Get help and get out. He will drain you.
@@djwendy after this video I'm going to try tomorrow. I'm going to say the words Richards said. Iv done it before. It resulted in hell and total isolation so I'm scared. I was by myself 4 years. And I mean totally. But to me what Richard says is reasonable. This type of communication is utterly destructive. I hold my hands up too. I manage, I manipulate, I fawn to keep peace. I no longer know what to do to find caring communication from him. Other than say what Richard suggests. Its true I'm confused. I no longer look to label him. I'm not sure about coercion. He just has an unpredictable temper and its vicious. From angel to demon in minutes. I just want resolution. I'm doing it tomorrow and I'm scared. Thank you so much for your reply.
@@nolitedesbastardescarborun51 Please do what you need to do to keep yourself safe while you're saying the words. I understand it is scary. I was terrified of my mother for decades even though she never raised a hand to me. If you need to physically leave, then do it. And please let us know how it went for you. You have a whole community of people here wishing the best for you, praying for you if that's their thing, and wanting to see you thrive and live your one and only life being surrounded with good people who want the best for you, not who want to damage you.
I can 1000% experientially relate.. to What you are saying;
to This particular moment of time;
with your Current Way of thinking/being/surviving;
coupled with What you are being Given to manage, daily, moment to moment..
To share a few instant feelings, and thoughts, your way;
(.. and feel free to only hear only something that speaks to you♥️.. as I am just making up my own path, all the time! Lol.. while I go along my journey ;P Lol)
Anywhooo.. here’s some love, cheerleading, thoughts your way ;D Hope your day is as beautiful as you!
You are seen.
You’re acknowledgement, and outloud speaking, of your feelings (fear); and immediately followed up, with a committed stand statement;
is .. Awesome.
And Inspiring.
And shares Conquering.
And instills Hope.
You are heard, And you are seen.
I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and when I friend told me she’s been diagnosed with CPSD which I had never heard of before, and therefore she explained that the C stands for complex, my immediate response was “hang on isn’t PTSD complex enough”?
Whatever bears affinity to cunning is despicable. Fitzwilliam Darcy This Is so important and helps me Tremendously. Ty Richie yes leveling up because: endgame.
I highly appreciate your emphasis on how toxic manipulation actually is.
In general.
This is something, as you mentioned, that's [hyper] normalized way too much.
So much so, that we almost don't recognize it when it comes along.
The gift of prophecy is for healing. The purpose of prophecy is salvation. The definition of salvation includes mental health and wholeness. I really like how you put it in the perspective of hope for the best in a future outlook on life. This is why faith and a positivity is such a help in physical and mental healing. Thank you.
Richard... This has got to be one of my favorite videos you've done!!! ✅✅✅
Seems that we need to remember that Karma is being in a Narc relationship. Either being the Narc or being the Empath. IT'S ALL KARMA
how so? or why?
@@alondraacosta-mora6504 There's a theory that we continue to reincarnate to learn/evolve from our relationships. So say in this lifetime you're the empath, the next you'll be the narc. Allegedly we have relationships with twin flames for eg for growth.
Have you not personally evolved most during times of great adversity?
If you get off a phone call with your narcissist and you don’t feel good mentally … RUN