The hardest part about healing from narcissistic abuse is knowing that even after I’ve healed and moved on, he’s still the same POS going about life hurting other innocent women. He has at least 3 traumatized and broken women under his belt and he’s going to claim more. These creatures are black holes with no ounce of human decency.
it is sad, i wish i could reach out to all the women hurt by my recent covert narc boyfriend and all the women hurt by my ex-husband (overt narc), but we can't save the world. start with saving yourself, and becoming resistant to all the future narcs we will meet!
That’s why I disagree of ‘living a successful life is the best revenge dealing with the narcissist’.Trauma is real and the harm they caused is real no matter it is physically or psychologically.They did make you feel depressed,anxious and even physically hurt.They must pay for their fault and that’s why revenge is necessary for yourself to feel better and move on.Very likely,most narcissists feel proud of themselves they can manipulate others and get what they want with NO RESPONSIBILITIES!Making the victims feel bitter seeing they have a good life and having intense anger for being treated so unfairly.Forgiving them in this unfair situation will just continue to hurt yourself.They do deserves PUNISHMENT for their evil acts.I recommend revenge,not because I am being stubborn BUT for the sake of my own health😊
@Mo💛 Yes,ofc I need help and rly hope someone can actually help me out but therapy can't do much in my situation unfortunately.I still need to face all problems caused by the narcissist and I am hating this.
@@ir4700 I co parent with a no contact order. I use an app called Our Family Wizard which is court approved. It's fantastic! All I do is send updates once a week about her diet and medical info when 'necessary'. It's amazing because he sends me abusive messages that I never respond to. I ignore him every time and it's killing him lol. I have been in counseling for a year and loving it. My daughter is doing fantastic as a result of my personal progress. I know I will get sole custody soon and then it's bye boy!
One of the things he doesn't mention is the huge Sense of injustice people feel from narcissistic abuse Many individuals feel like narcissists don't face any accountability and so without mounting some sort of vengeance, the narcissist won't be met with any justice
I have zero interest in getting revenge on a narcissist period. Literally, the best revenge method of all time is Living well and living your best life!
Doing nothing is the insidious revenge. They did evil to you, and it forever brands them, and if you don't retaliate they can't even call you just as bad. Instead, they have to live with themselves and take their evil to their grave. Your hands remain clean.
I didn't want revenge until I felt humiliated(yes I know personal responsibility for being with them is on me)... I don't want to do what they did to me to them.. but if they died tomorrow I wouldn't be upset.
I bottled up and never retaliated to their verbal and emotional abuse. Including humiliation in front of friends and on Facebook. Instead I had the freeze response, as I'm a very sensitive person. Only later do I feel anger and want revenge.
Exavtly.The best revenge is moving on and not looking back. Ironically, that's the only thing that may have a chance of actually hurting them. Not mattering is their greatest fear, and it is a huge blow to their ego. Taking out revenge on a narcissist is a total waste of time. Anything you do to them is only rewarding them with attention. You can't hurt them that way because they don't care about you. You're just letting them know that they are still taking up space in your head, that they are still important to you and that they are still affecting you. Hate is in this same category. Many people think it hurts the narcissist to let them know they are hated. They already thought that. It makes no difference. The only person it affects is you. They are so wrapped in the cocoon of their own self-absorbed emotions that no one can touch them. Not with love, not with hate, not with anything. You might as well be plotting revenge against a robot, or a table and chairs for all it would matter. Don't waste your time. It's not worth it. Look at narcissist, they are consumned by revenge and punishment and look how it works out for them. Pathologically narcissistic personalities are very punitive. This means they desire to punish others for the things that they believe that others have done to them. They're easily offended, easily insulted, easily angered and often feel rejected or attacked. They assign the blame for their feelings to other people and if the feelings are negative narcissists seek to punish these others for what they've supposedly done, which is considered by The Narcissist to be incredibly unreasonably wrong and terrible. A crime of this magnitude simply cannot be allowed to stand. The other person absolutely must be punished for it.. This is in part due to the size and Constitution of the pathologically narcissistic ego which is both enormous and almost absurdly fragile. This is a very bad combination because that makes it easy to damage and impossible to avoid. Not only do they think virtually everything is two or four or because of or about them because their ego is huge, but because it's so fragile virtually everything insults, offends hurts or upsets them. It can be so severe that it comes across as what looks like paranoia or even delusional thinking. It's made even worse by the fact that because this type of personality is so self-focused and so egocentric they generally cannot see any other interpretation of the facts even when proof is right in front of them. It simply does not compute. That they're not the reason for or the center of the situation or the event and why would it compute after all they're the center of everything, if anyone claims otherwise they're often accused of lying or being manipulative. When the ego has been damaged it screams for vengeance. As we mature we learn to address things in better more productive, more pro-social ways. We might still be very angry or might still feel that someone should face consequences for what they've done but healthy adults don't usually attempt to punish other adults themselves. Narcissists are of course not healthy adults. We often find that much of their head space is taken up with seething about and trying to find ways to punish people they believe have wronged them somehow. This punishment can include things that are just kind of annoying or childish to things that are outright malicious and dangerous. Not only do most people mature into dealing with things in a better way, most people have a balanced idea of which consequences would fit a situation. For narcissists this ability can be pretty affected. These are people who might believe it's perfectly fine to burn down somebody's house over a bad review at work or to kill somebody for giving them a dirty look. They might not all act on these things of course but we often find that most don't seem to recognize limits when it comes to punishing others or think anything is too excessive when it comes to The Misfortune that befalls people they believe have wronged them. Most adults also realize that punishing other adults comes with its own drawbacks and might end up hurting themselves as well in the process. Pathologically narcissistic people either do not realize this or do not care. They are perfectly willing to cut off their own nose to spite their own face, often repeatedly. Narcissistic people can end up actually doing more damage to themselves in the long run because their constant punitive actions may eventually result in people refusing to deal with them at all anymore leaving them with nobody who will put up with their behavior. They either don't realize that or they do but they're not willing or able to stop themselves from doing it when they feel that they've been wronged. Their ego is just too big and it's just too much of a force in their lives. One of the most difficult things to deal with when you're dealing with narcissistic people is the level of punishment involved in these relationships. Whether it is physically assaulting you , smearing you to other people behind your back, freezing you out in cold silence, calling you names, throwing Tantrums when they don't get their way, doing things on purpose to make you angry or jealous, disappearing to worry upset or scare you, trying to make you feel guilty or otherwise bad, withholding things that you want or need, destroying your stuff, cheating on you or anything else.. there has most likely been a large amount of punitive behavior on the part of the narcissistic person you're dealing with you've likely seen some of these things in some ways, The drive to punish appears to be multifaceted in narcissists. One is the involvement of the ego. This is sometimes known as a narcissistic injury and it's the basis of most of the rage you see in these personalities even when you can't figure out what the injury is or how they got it. The ego of narcissist is extremely fragile which means it is essentially perpetually injured. Even things as small as saying "hello" in what they perceive to be a "wrong" tone of voice offends and hurts and insults and injures these personalities on a level that non-narcissistic people probably cannot even begin to understand. They are constantly scanning situations for things that are intended to upset, hurt insult or offend them and of course they find these things when you think the only person anyone is ever talking or thinking about is you then everything they say and do is about you somehow. Sometimes they take an innocuous or unrelated comment to be about something that they're hiding or refusing to admit and they inadvertently reveal that through their anger or by trying to defend themselves. This happens because it's what the comment meant to them, it's what they were thinking about and they just assume this is also what you meant and what you were thinking about. No one else exists except for them. Another component of the drive to punish appears to be the idea that punishing others is associated with power and control. If you are in the position of meeting out punishment you have all the power, similar to being the parent in this situation. The person who is Doling out the punishment is the boss they have all the power and control in the situation. If you're the Punisher you're righteous and best of all Justified...you're not bad, the other person's bad, you're not wrong the other person's wrong, you have done nothing to deserve punishment the other person deserves the punishment. They must be powerful, they must be in control, they must be righteous and Justified.. above all they must not be bad, not be wrong and not be the villain in any situation. Being in the righteous position to punish others meets every single one of these criteria and the reality is many of them enjoy causing and paying to other people it makes them feel powerful, something they don't feel in general and which they desire very much but often lack the fortitude or ability to demonstrate to capture. Narcissists are very much like children in this way.. They feel powerless and unable to affect change in any real way on any real thing so they play their little punishment power games and feel like they might actually be somebody for a while. Another component oin the drive to punish others is the reality that narcissistic personalities are unhappy, miserable, raging, infantile people who can do nothing with all of that misery and rage except dump it out onto others. They cannot hold it or process it or do anything with it at all except dump it. It isn't enough just to release it, somebody has to receive it and to take it. somebody has to be to blame for it, somebody has to answer for it or it can't be dumped. Narcissists require others to take their pain, angre, shame, frustration, failure, their inability. Someone has to answer for all these things and it can't be the narcissist themselves. They cannot tolerate that, It is possible that many are not even capable of it by now. They must simply offload these things onto other people and the things must be received or they can't be gone. You are the person who's required to take all of these things. I f you don't you are considered to be a bad person who doesn't care or whatever else will make you feel bad enough to take it.
Part of the reason narcissists punish others is because they believe others are punishing them. This is a very common theme with pathologically narcissistic personalities that they're being excessively punished, persecuted or otherwise unfairly treated. It's likely that in many situations they really believe that, Realistically they seem to have no real belief that they've ever done anything wrong and even if they will agree that they have any level of consequences is deemed unfairly punitive and even persecutory. This seems to happen in part because they themselves are so punitive and in part because they have so much self-loathing and shame they assume punishment is not only warranted but inevitable, Bad people deserve punishment. The mindset of the narcissist regarding how they treat other people and or regarding how they believe they're being treated by others, whoever hands out the punishment has all the power and in the all-consuming power dynamics in the world of narcissistic people you're either one or the other. Another parrt of the reason why narcissists punish other people so harshly is that in their projected self-loathing. This is the punishment they deem necessary for the crime that has been committed and they have to project it on to you. You're the one that committed the crime. Narcissists tend not to see consequences as naturally occurring or understandable predictable things that result from one's own choices and behavior, but as things that are being done to them by somebody else as punishments. They resent that very much so they punish you back essentially and the relationship becomes one long power struggle where the narcissist becomes more and more resentful, Angry, offended and feels more and more controlled oppressed or smothered and encroached upon by the other person. The punishment from these people never ends they never forget anything that they believe you've done to them and they will never let you live it down. There's no forgiveness, good faith, benefit of the doubt, justendless punishment for the failure to match up to the Perfect Image they erroneously created of you in the beginning. In normal relationships between people there is a period of idealization, it's usually not as Intense or as unrealistic as the idealization in a relationship with a narcissist but it does still happen. People end up seeing each other more realistically and then they adjust to the realistic idea of the other person. With narcissists this does not happen. There is no way to come back from this original loss of esteem in the narcissist's eyes due to their psychological rigidity and their lack of understanding regarding whole object relations. They have no ability to reconcile the real you with the image of you that they created. They see your failure to live up to this as incredibly upsetting and shocking. It is not uncommon for narcissists to accuse people of tricking them or lying to them for not being what the narcissist thought they were. There is no way to make them understand that you didn't pretend to be anything they just had the wrong idea about who and what you were. Their assumptions are seen as knowledge and a contradiction to these assumptions is viewed as lying or manipulation on anybody else's part. You have fooled them in a very vicious and cruel way you pretended to be caring and kind and perfect and you're not. You lied to them you made them look stupid you tricked them you embarrass them that needs to be answered for. Somebody is going to have to pay for that and it isn't going to be them. Some narcissists leave or cut off relationships when this happens but many others do not . Indeed they will resist to ending the relationship very strenuously and pursue reattachment continuously while at the same time punishing and attacking the other person relentlessly talking about how horrible both the relationship and the other person are. People often become totally frustrated and end up asking if I'm so terrible if it's also bad then why don't we just end the relationship? why are you still here? why do you insist on staying together? The Narcissist often responds to this with even more abuse and or begins accusing the other person of trying to abandon or discard them instead of answering what is actually a very valid and reasonable question. The answer appears to be that narcissists literally need other people for survival. They need other people to take delivery of their nasty little packages. They are dependent and not able to cope with very much at all if they don't have somebody who will do that. They also don't appear to be able to experience themselves except through the reactions and the input of other people. In in a very sad irony the worse they can claim that a relationship is and believe a relationship is the better it makes them feel. Many of them are trying to recreate some old power dynamic that they can now achieve the upper hand in thereby finally "winning" over a caregiver or some other perceived enemy from their past. Other people are dragged into this conflict unwillingly and installed into roles as they did not agree to or even know about, unwittingly playing out parts that were created way before they ever came along and receiving punishment that really belongs to somebody else. Narcissist narcissistic personalities do not see other people for who they are and they don't see why it's necessary so they have no desire to learn how to do that. These are very simple almost primitive personalities that are Guided by very complex forces that they do not appear to understand in the least or even care about trying to understand. They just react to what they perceive to be happening without appearing to ask themselves why or even exploring things to see if they make any sense. They appear to believe that their conclusion is always correct and therefore their reaction is always appropriate. They simply do not recognize limits in any form, either for their own behavior or pertaining to other people. They are like children in this way reacting to Big feelings with no breaks or controls at all and no understanding of why they should even have any. You hurt me and now I will hurt you, you made me feel bad now I will make you feel bad. There's no understanding or even acknowledgment that their feelings are coming from inside of them and might not even be related to the other person or any external events at all. They seem to believe their feelings are solely generated by things outside of themselves. This is dangerous because these are unhappy, mean-spirited, envious, frightened people who are almost always in the grip of some negative feeling that they need somebody to answer for. This is why in these relationships the punishment never ends. They are always unhappy and it is always someone else's fault. You're not being punished for your behavior that's a justification because they can't understand their own emotional reactions and they immediately assume that someone else must have done something to cause these emotional reactions so they look around for what that something was. They will always find it because you can always make something sound or look bad whenever you try. Also don’t confuse intensity of emotion with depth of emotion. Emotional intensity is not an indication of emotional depth. Toddlers display emotional intensity but not emotional depth. Just because an emotion is "big" doesn't mean it is meaningful or important, or anything else. It just means it's big. In narcissists, this is a red flag for emotional disregulation and perhaps emotional immaturity. It is not a sign of emotional depth. It's similar to the way toddlers experience emotions. They are big and they are strong, but they are fleeting. You can often distract and defuse a toddler during a tantrum with a knock knock joke. You can also do that with adult narcissists at times if you throw them an emotional curve ball during a tantrum. That's probably not a coincidence. The majority of these personalities are boring, hollow, and have no insight into why they do anything at all. Their behaviour makes no more sense to them than it does to you, and their nowhere near as curious about it than you are. Their is nothing to learn in the relationship and nothing more to see. Its simply the idiot cycling of empty machinery. What depth they may have (if any) is not accessible - to them or anyone else. Many narcissists appear to be almost afraid of their emotions and reactions or ashamed of them as if they believe that only bad people have bad feelings, so this has to be blamed on somebody else. I don't have bad feelings, I'm not a bad person.. you are making me have bad feelings therefore you are the bad person. you're not being punished for your behavior or anything you've actually done, you're being punished for their feelings. This is a primitive personality, They don't know how to treat people and they are not interested in learning. They only care about getting what they want and if this hurts or inconvenience other people they don't care about that doesn't matter to them. If someone is abusive, disrespectfu, they're unable to communicate and if they're not interested in improving any of these things there really isn't any other choice but to leave the relationship unless you are willing to tolerate being treated badly. The only thing you realistically can do in these situations is decide if you are going to tolerate someone constantly dumping their psychic emotional garbage onto you because they can't deal with it themselves. .You don't have to tolerate that, it's not your responsibility or even your place to take care of another adult's emotions for them. It doesn't have to be your problem too.
I found a couple of tweaks to my way if thinking and doing that has helped me. Yes, I do have feelings for the narcissist, yes they have the ability to trigger those feelings, but... I don't have to act on those feelings the way they expect me to. I can stop letting them tell me how I feel, and what I think. And by doing that, they cant gaslight me for not being honest about my feelings. They are mine I can have them. I can be honest that I have them. And it frustrates them when they can't control me with my feelings. Second, in trying to have a honest conversation keep it to One point or question. When they take the conversation in different directions, listen, then bring the conversation back by; not engaging in their new topic. By acknowledging their point then pointing out it has nothing to do with what you were trying to talk to them about. By verbally acknowledging their apparent need to talk about 'whatever' before talking about what You want to talk about, but then it's your turn to talk about .. Acknowledge, validate, see their point, appreciate their 'share', but don't participate in their topic and attempt to get you off track. Then repeat your question or point, word for word, dont deveate, and do it without frustration or irritation showing in your voice (because then they know they have you close to giving up) they will become frustrated and irritated and jumbled in their thinking. They will bring up stuff they know will trigger you They will turn the conversation around onto you. A good response on your part would be - ok we have talked about this x amount of times, I'm willing to talk about that with you, but I started this conversation because I - want/need/ would like to/ talk to you about x. These two basic changes in the way I thought and communicated changed the impact the 3 narcissist in my life were able to have on my psyche.
Many words can be put in other words to give a clearer picture. E.g. to commit revenge on to others is to Commit to inner Self Demage. Richard, you do a beautiful job of teaching others how to Not become monsters.
Looking forward to the video!!!! In my experience the best revenge was healing, smiling and moving forward. I found that if I experienced only 2 years of the loneliness and pain that he has experience 49 years of his life...I am winning.
You grey stone them, disappear, reappear in another country, get married, have kids, experience love and kindness as you should, live happily ever after. 😉
My biggest challenge, back then, was not only dealing with my trauma, but also feeling responsible for all the women abused before me and after me. I learned how important a paper trail was. I had a domestic violence advocate while going through pressing charges against him…and a police detective who was able to shed light on the danger I was actually in. This happened a decade ago , I’m still healing, but will never be sorry for responsibility and legally taking “revenge”, if nothing else, to protect the next victim. Ironically, He passed away last year, so the fight is finally over… closure in this way is a bitter pill to swallow. I feel I am now finally free to live my life without fear. Sad but true. Such a fucking relief.
It’s not revenge … there is a difference… if you behaved in this way …would you not expect the same? Do not do unto others that you wouldn’t have or expect for yourself… there is a difference I think… mine has been living in my home and by my means to keep him… going to court… I don’t think it’s revenge but I felt guilty like it was… I would not expect another to keep me and live by sucking everything from them without responsibility to self …
I have worked all my life, he hasn’t … it’s my house and I want it … it belongs to me… that’s not revenge… i have avoided confrontation all my life… and realised there is a time gif everything snd I need to fight for what is mine
@@kayhaladay2460I get you, mine hasn't worked since 28years old, I've worked hard all my life, I've only just understood what a devil it's been whilst under a spell and now I'm 6months free and I will never go back to that controlled, abussive marriage. I'm scared to meet someone else because I'm so forgiving and empathic 😢❤always wins 😊
@Ann A I feel the same way about my covert narc. I had to see him in court last November. Now that my feelings for him changed drastically due to his psychotic behavior during the rapid devaluation stage, I saw him as a stooped over overweight, gray haired troglodyte at age 71. He bought his little self a trailer in a retirement community 6 miles away from my home that I've owned for 30 years with the idea that he would come and go as he pleased, share custody of the dog, and have his toddler rages every month or so preceded by 2 days of the silent treatment. Now, hopefully he will die a lonely old sick bastard. One of his son's could care less about him after he had a 2 month affair with his former daughter in law of 18 years. He disgusts me, yet I'm working on moving on.
These are totally accurate methods of moving on. For anyone getting hung up on the revenge word, it helps to understand that these tactics will help broaden the emotional distance between you and the narcissist. These steps will make you stronger and the narcissist might well look for someone weaker to use
No revenge these people r sick and can never recover , I attracted the narc cause I had underlying issues , all I can say is thanku for opening my eyes to myself , I’m on the road to recovery to a better version from me , thank god it only lasted a short time and I had the strength to pull myself away
Don't take revenge....you're coming down to their level. Just ignore them and carry on as if they dont exist....its hard but you'll realise how far you've come when you just don't care anymore....good luck!
Very informative, thank you. It took a long time for the narcissist in my life to get what they deserved. I did the whole revenge thinking, like how can I do this, but then I felt shameful for thinking like that. I started doing my own thing, and ignoring them as much as possible. I thought it would at least keep them from getting any fuel for their fire. They would still try to poke and prod to get something, anything, and I wouldn't fall for it. They got so desperate that they tried to do anything, and it finally started to backfire, because they weren't making any sense in their claims or actions to try and destroy me. There were more people around to witness their behavior, and the truth started to come out. Almost every time they tried something, it backfired. I didn't even have to do anything. It was like, the more they tried the worse they looked. I thought, finally, people see me, the real me. Also, a lot of hardships I've dealt with, I've done it alone. I used to think, why do I have to endure so much and do it alone. Then I realized that I've gained a type of strength from it. I would go through something thinking, I'll never be able to do this, but I have to, because there was no one who could or would do it for me, I had no choice. Now, I've seen what I've handled, and I don't doubt myself when the next challenge arrives, it doesn't mean it isn't hard at times. It can be quite empowering. I'm not saying we shouldn't get help once in awhile, but it does strengthen you to do it on your own sometimes too. You learn a lot about yourself. I wonder if that is sort of the approach of the Buddhist monks. They give you the space and time, but you have to do it for yourself. Then you will see your power.
Perfect. 100% accurate and super relatable . The timing is eerily apropos so let me share this : - 5- ask your higher power , God , Nature, Lifeforce, Flying Spaghetti Monster, The Dude, The Force or whatever you work with - ASK FOR HELP ridding your Self of their infection , identifying whatever it is that got you into this in the first place , help yo help your Self let go and detach . The info is all IN THERE - and using the concept of a higher power to dig it out into the light of awareness - it works super fast .
You're right Richard, there is no need for revenge against such pitiful broken people. I see it like taking revenge on a rabid dog that bit you....what's the point, concentrate on your own health and what you need to do to survive and get better. The people I struggle to forgive are the people who knew about him (the ones who live in denial), the ones I was kind and considerate of over a long period of time. They took my kindness for granted and never reached out to comfort me or even validate me after the split when I was broken in so many ways. That still hurts. I hope their conscience bothers them...maybe it does...I wouldn't know.
The more you heal from abuse, the more intolerable it is to be abused. In the meantime, be someone your healed future self will be proud of remembering.
I’ve been to Thailand in search of healing three times. Most certainly was shocking to learn and discover my corruption/illness through the eyes of Buddhism. Difficult realization that changed my life and the lense I was seeing through. Beyond grateful
Thanks for the information that you continue to share with us, most of us entered these relationship without knowing who we were dealing with . Was once involved in relationship with a narcissist and i can testify that its true, the damage they can cause is severe. I've moved away from that person and i'm healing path and i'm noticing now i'm becoming more peaceful and happy.
If you want revenge on a narcissist, you might want to check that you aren't a narcissist yourself. The best revenge of success. Go out and live your dreams and forget about them. That's gonna hurt them worse than anything else that you could ever try to do against them
You become split - revenge is more of a psychopathic behaviour. You’re very much Them when you get out - and if the desire for revenge is there , give yourself time to detox them out of you. Wanting Justice , or to expose them - isn’t revenge - it’s trying to recover your lost innocence . But again - that’s an inside job . With severely malignant psychopathic narcs- you don’t even want revenge you just want to flee for your life and recover your sanity bc secondary psychopathy- esp of the sadistic variety - is a horrifying thing to internalize.
Feeling angry for how someone has treated you and seeking revenge are 2 very different things. Personally, it’s more that I’ve been left to clear up a big mess and the narcissist has left and seems to be unscathed. Thats very painful to witness, I don’t think it makes someone a narcissist to feel upset by that.
Richard: Here is how I tackled my situation from Laws of Karma. My spouse did to me what I might have done to him in past life. Therefore my Karma came back to me through this Karmic bond. My lesson in this lifetime was to cultivate compassion for that sick person and realize my power to stand up for myself. Once I understood that no matter what I did, I could not make this relationship better and the only way forward was my total annihilation, I let go and decided to move on. It was very very tough. So now I am working on forgiving myself, because I allowed it to happen to me. I knew things were off, but I couldn't place my finger on it. I listened to my body and my feelings and let go. I am now working on truly accepting and loving myself as I am. I am doing this for him too, not for his sake, but mine. Thank you for your videos. Would love to hear more content regarding individuation. Namaste.
There is no past life karma and no, you didn't deserve what your spouse did to you, it wasn't fair. What u are doing here is blaming yourself, which is called "victim blaming". My deep condolences. Santa C. isn't real im afraid. Im sorry to tell you this but ....i can't help it but to share this knowledge (cos i come from new-age awakened family and realised...its all a scam. My world collapsed. Its funny how they say its all an illusion, a matrix that we all live in. Turns out new-age is a matrix itself). In fact...you have childhood trauma and visiting a psychologist could be very good option for you. At least it helped me and my friends greatly. New age is just wishful thinking so a person can get through life while glamourising the pain. Its easier to live like this in the moment but it does a lot of damage on the long run, because new-age doesn't adress the cause. Same goes for buddhism he mentioned in this video and all religions. Its basically all the same. To make it simple: your life lesson might be realising you have: childhood CPTSD, codependency or limerance, low selfesteem, narcissistic parents, traumabonded your whole life etc... Wish you lots of luck. And it does get better. And no, this doesn't mean u are stupid. On the contrary, you had to be very smart as a child to survive your parents. This way you developed surviving/coping mechanisms, which u are still using today.
It took decades to **get over** him - it. Stopped caring about any revenge a few years after we split. What happened- I did move on. It took time to heal and time to forgive myself for not seeing who he was when we were dating. It took long time to forgive myself and him. for impact on our 3 children all of whom turned out well considering. He was very well off in millionaire range -- I was not. However, I was comfortable enough. Anyway as years passed and we including kids left him alone - that drove him nuts. As time went on he established relationship with our grown children who by and large forgave him. He is older now - sold off most of his property in Colorado and had a small fortune tucked away. He aided our hard working very productive children to pay off their mortgages and helped his grandkids by putting money in fund for them. Oddly enough he and his current wife sent me a nice gift for Christmas - not diamonds but a gift showing at least the wife paid attention to what I might like. I am a person of faith - I truly believe in God and am convinced when you truly forgive your persecutors and yourself and let time heal you - you don't need revenge - instead you get miracles. Thanks for your videos. I truly enjoy them and pass on to others struggling with narcissists in their lives.
My revenge was grey rock . I've been told by friends and my daughter that he has lost his mind . He's unraveling mentally. And still trying to to me through them .he is still making threats after 6yrs of being apart . Vengeance is making your life amazing, getting therapy so you never make the same mistake.
Your problem runs deeper than him if others in your life are relaying messages to you that he’s “unraveling” or telling him how amazing your life is. It’s a very unhealthy dynamic. Why are they participating and why are you tolerating it?
*_Summary_* 1)Take your attention away from them 2)They never knew you at all 3)Consider how you have been infected 4)Allow yourself to grow and develop as a human being *-Thank me later-* 😎
I felt that when I got present to the real feelings of grief, sadness, shame, the anger for retribution was a useful way to hold those feeling off. I felt so done over, weak, stupid etc etc so anger helps but it’s not productive eventually in this circumstance for the long term/healing
Best way to do this is to become very successful at something or everything you set your mind to do that's completely wholesome and life affirming and that has nothing to do with romance, or call it love or hooking up, and so on (unless it's unrequited love that’s never consummated). And, of course, be happy, even if you have to fake it in the beginning until it becomes genuine, and it will.
This is not a food review channel. This is a cultural documentary that makes me appreciate our planet and will support this channel till l'm an old woman.🥰🥰🥰
I'm on day 10 of No Contact with my ex narc. The hardest day so far was day 6. I was so close to contacting but didn't and I was so proud of myself. I find myself looking for excuses (on the bad days) to break no contact and call him. Exactly like you have just mentioned, I play out the scenario in my head. Based on the past, nothing positive would come from it. I can only 100% guarantee that it would harm my mental health not help. If it gets too overwhelming, I look to your videos. It anchors me back to real reality.
How is it going? I have almost urge to text my ex narc but i don’t want to. Just started watching this video and feeling a bit better. Tonight it is just so overwhelming.
Thanks that is what I’ve done. No need to lash out but to just move on and focus on my health. It’s taken me over a year to get where I am and it’s wonderful. He never thought I’d leave.
It took me three years to come away from my narcistic ex-husband. I finally was able to go no contact a year ago. Since then I have been healing and made great progress. I feel so much more peacefull. But I'm not there yet. I'm still scared that if I let go of my anger towards him, I could be hoovered in again. I don't want to feel anger. I'm not a vengefull person. In fact this was why he got a grip on me: I wanted to life in harmony and did what I could to get there together but I got more and more confused, even sick, that nothing seemed to work. Untill I finally realised he only cares about himself and I learned about narcisism. Then everything fell into place. I'm moving on, grew up emotionally, but still I wish that he gets what he deserves for the harm he caused on me and our children. I will not actively seek revenge, that will only bring more of the same shit about, as you say. But I stil gloat a bit when I hear something doesn't work out for him. And I think I need to keep a little bit of the resentment to not forget that it is impossible to come to harmony with this person. What would your advice be on this matter?
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THIS RICHARD YOUR VIDEOS HAVE HELPED ME SO VERY MUCH. I WAS HORRIBLY BEATEN DOWN BY A NARC AND IM STRUGGLING TO DISCONNECT
Two or three months? Gosh! I've been No contact for almost 4 years now and still feel beaten. Considering it was 12 years and we're currently on a legal battle for custody, I have made progress but it's really hard and draining.
Living well (WITHOUT THEM!) is the best revenge!! You NEVER NEEDED THEM! And now you don't WANT THEM!! And you're HAPPY! The exact opposite of anything they ever wanted to see!
Thank you for pointing out the negatives on getting revenge. I have nothing but pity for my narcissistic father and regret over the loss of a nurturing father daughter relationship. He is living a lonely existence and unable to see his NPD or change it. That is enough to live with. I’ve moved on with the help of therapy and educating myself. What I struggle with is forgiveness of the abuse and mistreatment I lived with and that my father who was supposed to love me, did not love me. My faith in my Heavenly Father is my refuge. Thank you.
It's difficult to be like this when the narcs you know are covert and/or the people around them are extreme doormats or codependents. So they never end up alone or learning that their behaviour is problematic.
My revenge fantasy was creating a piece of mind blowing art the became famous. I was sadly looking for his validation still. It feel embarrased now. How narcissistic.
Richard, oddly enough, when I finally had had enough I actually said "You don't know anything about me. Don't call me anymore." Then I hung up while he was stunned. There was absolutely no feeling in my voice - no anger, no fear, no sorrow, etc...Then I never answered the times that he did phone. And, yes, eventually, after taking the high road or walking away from narcissistic parents and sibling then this other numbnut, I became so full of rage towards everyone including friends and family. It's been SUCH a long road. Great perspective - thank you 👍
Sir Richard is 100% correct. I have never been targeted by a love interest, spouse, or family member narc but I have been targeted by Narcs in my military career. It got worse, the higher up I went and up I went to do their bidding and become a bigger and bigger punching bag. These people were horrific. They were not classic text book Narcs in the sense of being boisterous and loud and ugly people. No, they were subtle, savvy operators who knew how to build popularity and followers and knew who to target. I was targeted because I didn't "play the game" but was nonetheless good at what I did -- this was a threat to them and their self perception. Anyway, they destroyed me and a few others, and the tactics they used leave long term if not life long marks. My lesson to share? I wish I had fought back and regret not doing so. I lacked alliance building skills and had I tried to do it, it would have only blown up in my face (the alliance building part). Even so, I had the goods on a three star sociopath but wanted to be magnanimous hoping God would prevail or others would come to my rescue and it would be like the ending of a Hallmark movie where good guy wins. She (yes she was a female three star), instead of being thankful that I didn't turn her in with the evidence to back me up, waited for me to retire and then destroyed me using innuendo, investigative powers, and smear campaigns with her flying monkeys and those fearful masses who would rather crap on a good guy than get marked for destruction by the narc. Or just sit back and let it happen to avoid getting shrapnel. Sometimes it's not revenge when you fight back. Sometimes it's doing society a solid. She's enjoying life as someone with an unmarked reputation because no one who knows how she really is will ever come forward and she enjoys her three star retirement as well as CEO pay. I on the other hand have never held a job since retiring from the military -- and have no relationships with anyone with whom I served because the military is a fickle community. Hear something, avoid something. Including life long friendships. People heard stuff and jumped ship. Not one job offer (with one or two exceptions that included being a janitor -- no offense to janitors but I was a fifty year old retired senior officer). The other gift that she gave me that kept on giving is the gift of being a target for people who were never even in the military. I am now targeted by neighbors everywhere I live because I live near our center of government. Word travels and most successful people are narcs on some level and once they find a target next door or across the street, you become their play toy. Sir Richard is right -- but at the same time if it is work related or something else where your livelihood and health are at risk, if you get a chance to take out a narc legally or bureaucratically, preferably anonymously, do so promptly and without prejudice.
Thanks for sharing. I agree with you I feel like after everything I've experienced that's the same type of lesson I'd like to convey to people as well. I have a daughter who just turned 15 & I've been trying to educate her about this. I'm glad to see there's so much more information available now compared to about 10 years ago on this topic
MegDD.3912, Your daughter's very lucky. Good on you for imparting this kind of wisdom. Imagine if every or at least more parents did this. I'd imagine society would be happier and stronger.
Im sorry that you suffered this. Thankyou for sharing this hatsh reality to help others understand and work out strategy to put these characters in their place wherever they may be.
It took 9 months, but finally I am being hoovered... :) I would LOVE to reply to her "I own my mistakes, I am sorry, we are all on a journey, I write to you in the name of peace and sacred love, you where the love of my life, blah, blah..." bullshit manipulation with a letter from hell, BUT I stay no contact, though it is harrrddd! Too much work, effort, pain, self-reflection, and grieving has gone into my healing to get back in that ring. All the best to you all! A
i suspect the types of revenge are focused on ourselves( living your life etc) which frustrates the narcissists. otherwise revenge is like the chinese proverb if you want revenge, you must first dig two graves.. one for them and one for you.
This is fantastic. I am using this advice on my NPD neighbour. I have suffered 4 years of abuse because I didn’t know what was going on. This is great advice and knowledge. I love listening to your films. Thank you.
I needed to hear this!! It's why I want to seek revenge because he makes me want to do this and it's the FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER FELT THESE EMOTIONS!! And I am divorced twice still friends with them or cordial and there's no revenge thoughts from either party anyway I needed to hear this! Karma is something they have effect them daily...they absorbed your good karma while you were together. They are miserable and looking back I thought to myself what has hurt this person that they want me to hurt this way?
someone said to me once , people like that, usually end their lives very lonely as no one wants to be around them...before i walked away from my mum and sister i heard them say 'no one visits anymore and no one invites us round ?'. its so sad but i am not going to be put down anymore...my own mother accused me of 'spying on women' just because i had a drone, and i just snapped. just walked away.
Before finding this channel, I actually had people telling me I mustn't take revenge and I needed to stop taking revenge I was very confused as I hadn't spoken to the narc, I was just getting on with my life.
GreAt video…. really liked what you had to say about detachment, karma…… and the inevitable downward spiral of the narcissistic, even if it’s decades later….. I’ve also witnessed this….. yes 🙌 it’s really true…..
RG your beautiful genuine happiness shines through , your laughter is authentic , your authenticity is super glowed up in this !! I hope this recently recorded - bc you look like youre coming back to …. How you were a few years ago - except wiser and more healed … unburdened , unburdened from maybe not even know you were being poisoned bc it was educational & career boosting but - NEVER EVER will they not poison you if you get too close. . I feel this happy unburdened energy today also ! It feels good to feel good !
"Are you a vengeful person normally? " Yes. I am a channel of nemesis, the vengeful arm of themis, and clearly in need of a holiday and probably alot of therapy 🥴
I just love you Richard. Unfortinsty, i can't afford yout courses. But what i can listen to you for free, has helpension me a lot. U wish you all the best.❤
People who trash the content creator on any site need to grow up and unsubscribe. This creator is giving accurate, valuable information that helps. Trashing a video content creator instead of just unsubscribing is in and of itself a little narcissistic. Let’s all “adult” for today and stop throwing shade. 🙏
Ive been thinking about NPD this and NPD that and Im leaning on the side that it really isnt a disorder. If anything, in my opinion, "NPD" is something that the narcissist gives the "victim". Much like a STD. NPD is the abuse or the symptoms of the abuse, not the narcissist itself. The abused is sadly the one with a "disorder" after being with a narcissist. A narcissist doesnt hurt themselves so "NPD" is a non-diagnosis. It doesnt exists... but if it does, if anything, its the "victim" that has it.
It's the "false self," that "has it." (i.e. The dis-order.) That's WHY, they can never HEAL. and only "project" their dis- ease, on others. (Like Vaknin amusingly claiming that "Grannon, is the narc.") And worse; the narcissist tries (in vain...) to "dump their crap, "on others. That's simply NOT how "Karma, works..." as any more NORMAL ten year old, soon realizes. But no narc will "agree," with this... any more than many a 2- 9 year old, does, because it's logically reasoned, innately 'intuitive...' and the TRUTH. ;-)
Best revenge is to be authentic. Express your joy when it shows and be honest about where you are at. Because at the least. Your content with whom you are .if not work on your own character .produce character. .through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;perseverance, character; and character, hope.And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. - Romans 5:2-5
Authenticity and honest expressions tell narcissists they are not in control of you. It is quite a nightmare for a narcissist to be faced with such powerlessness over another.
Maybe kindness is for you not them. Very good one! I recently told my 26yr old lib, boundaries are for you, not everyone else. Hope that was right advice.
Been following your advice and it's been helping me immensely. Thank you. I no longer want revenge..I'm moving forward as I fight for full custody of our daughter. Your advice is amazing..it works like magic. Thank you!
Yes! Redundant element. I'm the happiest I've ever been. 26 years with an abuser. 14 months free. I could not imagine ever having him in my life again. I don't know if I really want or need vengeance. His daughters have disowned him so that's his karma. I'm living a life I never thought I would while I was in his prison.
You are brilliant, amazing, hilarious, and have Helped me beyond belief! Thank you!!!!! Want you to know-I broke free, manifested a brand new, amazing job after years of operating in passive aggressive, narcissistic hell! May I only attract healthy people and environments in my life from now on!
Best revenge. Never speaking or seeing them again. Focus on your life again. You know they stalk ur social media. So Being happy and thriving will kill them.
The only revenge to narcissistic is not only no contact with them, but make Improvements for yourself and forgive yourself + them and entire situation. Toxic can't be from one side but both mutual parties. It's just part of our season and lessons of life therefore both are learning each other because we're living mirroring each other.
It’s interesting to understand they know the relationship will ultimately fail. I think it’s the hoovering that is the ultimate game for them. To get you back as a secondary supply in their black book. They get to have you, but not be close, and only as a friend. I saw that list of friends....it’s a disgusting thought I’d be on it.
Hence the word “normal”! Therapy is always a good idea. Living well is always the best revenge. No contact or grey rock is my MO. NEVER go down to their level, if you do - take a shovel! Best advice I’ve heard in a long time! Thank you for the share! Love the channel! ♥️
I’m seriously patiently waiting for you to post a how to make your mark on a narcissist or how to give a narcissist butterflies lol I know my dude got issues but I just want to help him heal be the man I see in him so I put up with a lot but because I love this man with my whole heart I just wish he could open up emotionally even a tiny bit would give me so much strength to continue having his back lol
I don’t want revenge just to heal move on with my life and forget the last 3 years I’m in therapy back in the gym losing weight feeling stronger day by day 2 months no contact and I know how I was duped in my childhood which I am looking at and changing how I am in everything in my life I am partly glad I met him he made me realise I am worth so much more self esteem self worth is what I’m building
Thanks for helping me ❤❤❤❤❤❤really a eye opener 😊 am Indian ..even many parents 99% parents don't have awareness about narc disorder here 😕 thanks for spreading awareness and knowledge through your videos ❤love you ❤️ 💙 😘 ♥️ may God bless you ❤️
I employed all manner of deception and duplicity to thwart all her incredibly cold and nasty tricks. Lo and behold, I was operating in her frame the more I rebelled and hurt. That's the part that hurt the most, that's the part that took the longest to heal from. I hated that darkness in me.
"Improve as a human being" and "don't go down to their morally decrepit level" could ALSO be interpreted as "do nothing about what happened and feel good about it". Revenge is a sort of self defense in my eyes, mentally and literally. But it has risks.
I think the word 'revenge' on a narcissist is more as a result from you making different choices that remove them from a person of importance in your life. This is more distressing to them then revenge as an intentional act against them to make them feel pain, frustration, abandonment, unimportant. They won't let you win. They will use what you are doing against you to make you feel those things. So Revenge in this case isnt an action, it's a result.
Hi Richard, what you are saying is so spot on. Though very hard to hold back especially when my kids are used against me in order to hurt me as she knows very well that my kids are my everything. Example: before split, she "kidnapped" our kids every Friday to her mother's for weekend without my knowledge nor agreement. When I asked whether she thinks it is ok to behave like this, she replied that she can do whatever she wants with our kids because we are not divorced yet and I can do the same! I said, well that is the difference between you and me because I would never do that.
“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
NO CONTACT! The best revenge
I can’t wait to do this once I hit 30 and graduate!!!
The hardest part about healing from narcissistic abuse is knowing that even after I’ve healed and moved on, he’s still the same POS going about life hurting other innocent women. He has at least 3 traumatized and broken women under his belt and he’s going to claim more. These creatures are black holes with no ounce of human decency.
it is sad, i wish i could reach out to all the women hurt by my recent covert narc boyfriend and all the women hurt by my ex-husband (overt narc), but we can't save the world. start with saving yourself, and becoming resistant to all the future narcs we will meet!
Satans Minions. The prettier the package the more dangerous, even in Nature. Look how beautiful the poisonous plants become to catch their next meal.
That’s why I disagree of ‘living a successful life is the best revenge dealing with the narcissist’.Trauma is real and the harm they caused is real no matter it is physically or psychologically.They did make you feel depressed,anxious and even physically hurt.They must pay for their fault and that’s why revenge is necessary for yourself to feel better and move on.Very likely,most narcissists feel proud of themselves they can manipulate others and get what they want with NO RESPONSIBILITIES!Making the victims feel bitter seeing they have a good life and having intense anger for being treated so unfairly.Forgiving them in this unfair situation will just continue to hurt yourself.They do deserves PUNISHMENT for their evil acts.I recommend revenge,not because I am being stubborn BUT for the sake of my own health😊
@@gracelee1847 you need help
@Mo💛 Yes,ofc I need help and rly hope someone can actually help me out but therapy can't do much in my situation unfortunately.I still need to face all problems caused by the narcissist and I am hating this.
The only revenge on a narcissist is no contact..
Yeh! So I’ve unsubscribed Grannon. A somatic narcissist.
not easy if you have to coparent though
@@ir4700 Very hard to do this. My thoughts are with you. Get psych support.
@@ir4700 But doable. If necessary vía a third party.
@@ir4700 I co parent with a no contact order. I use an app called Our Family Wizard which is court approved. It's fantastic! All I do is send updates once a week about her diet and medical info when 'necessary'. It's amazing because he sends me abusive messages that I never respond to. I ignore him every time and it's killing him lol. I have been in counseling for a year and loving it. My daughter is doing fantastic as a result of my personal progress. I know I will get sole custody soon and then it's bye boy!
One of the things he doesn't mention is the huge Sense of injustice people feel from narcissistic abuse
Many individuals feel like narcissists don't face any accountability and so without mounting some sort of vengeance, the narcissist won't be met with any justice
that's the part that's so infuriating. you never get justice.
But they feel like the arbiters of justice. Because how dare you smile...or some bulls**t. Maddening.
True .
But then they get the satisfaction of seeing you spin your wheels. In a lose/lose scenario, you might as well lose with the least effort possible!
I have zero interest in getting revenge on a narcissist period. Literally, the best revenge method of all time is Living well and living your best life!
Doing nothing is the insidious revenge. They did evil to you, and it forever brands them, and if you don't retaliate they can't even call you just as bad. Instead, they have to live with themselves and take their evil to their grave. Your hands remain clean.
I didn't want revenge until I felt humiliated(yes I know personal responsibility for being with them is on me)... I don't want to do what they did to me to them.. but if they died tomorrow I wouldn't be upset.
And so many people believe their lies. 😢
Me either
I bottled up and never retaliated to their verbal and emotional abuse. Including humiliation in front of friends and on Facebook.
Instead I had the freeze response, as I'm a very sensitive person.
Only later do I feel anger and want revenge.
I had this exact thought just a couple days ago.
AMEN but then be reincarnated into the person that they bullied
Thanks Richard, it's a bit ironic that the best for us is the worst for them. I agree, we move on and heal. It's never too late
Exavtly.The best revenge is moving on and not looking back. Ironically, that's the only thing that may have a chance of actually hurting them. Not mattering is their greatest fear, and it is a huge blow to their ego. Taking out revenge on a narcissist is a total waste of time. Anything you do to them is only rewarding them with attention. You can't hurt them that way because they don't care about you. You're just letting them know that they are still taking up space in your head, that they are still important to you and that they are still affecting you. Hate is in this same category. Many people think it hurts the narcissist to let them know they are hated. They already thought that. It makes no difference. The only person it affects is you. They are so wrapped in the cocoon of their own self-absorbed emotions that no one can touch them. Not with love, not with hate, not with anything. You might as well be plotting revenge against a robot, or a table and chairs for all it would matter. Don't waste your time. It's not worth it.
Look at narcissist, they are consumned by revenge and punishment and look how it works out for them. Pathologically narcissistic personalities are very punitive. This means they desire to punish others for the things that they believe that others have done to them. They're easily offended, easily insulted, easily angered and often feel rejected or attacked. They assign the blame for their feelings to other people and if the feelings are negative narcissists seek to punish these others for what they've supposedly done, which is considered by The Narcissist to be incredibly unreasonably wrong and terrible. A crime of this magnitude simply cannot be allowed to stand. The other person absolutely must be punished for it.. This is in part due to the size and Constitution of the pathologically narcissistic ego which is both enormous and almost absurdly fragile. This is a very bad combination because that makes it easy to damage and impossible to avoid. Not only do they think virtually everything is two or four or because of or about them because their ego is huge, but because it's so fragile virtually everything insults, offends hurts or upsets them. It can be so severe that it comes across as what looks like paranoia or even delusional thinking. It's made even worse by the fact that because this type of personality is so self-focused and so egocentric they generally cannot see any other interpretation of the facts even when proof is right in front of them. It simply does not compute. That they're not the reason for or the center of the situation or the event and why would it compute after all they're the center of everything, if anyone claims otherwise they're often accused of lying or being manipulative.
When the ego has been damaged it screams for vengeance. As we mature we learn to address things in better more productive, more pro-social ways. We might still be very angry or might still feel that someone should face consequences for what they've done but healthy adults don't usually attempt to punish other adults themselves. Narcissists are of course not healthy adults. We often find that much of their head space is taken up with seething about and trying to find ways to punish people they believe have wronged them somehow. This punishment can include things that are just kind of annoying or childish to things that are outright malicious and dangerous. Not only do most people mature into dealing with things in a better way, most people have a balanced idea of which consequences would fit a situation. For narcissists this ability can be pretty affected. These are people who might believe it's perfectly fine to burn down somebody's house over a bad review at work or to kill somebody for giving them a dirty look. They might not all act on these things of course but we often find that most don't seem to recognize limits when it comes to punishing others or think anything is too excessive when it comes to The Misfortune that befalls people they believe have wronged them.
Most adults also realize that punishing other adults comes with its own drawbacks and might end up hurting themselves as well in the process. Pathologically narcissistic people either do not realize this or do not care. They are perfectly willing to cut off their own nose to spite their own face, often repeatedly. Narcissistic people can end up actually doing more damage to themselves in the long run because their constant punitive actions may eventually result in people refusing to deal with them at all anymore leaving them with nobody who will put up with their behavior. They either don't realize that or they do but they're not willing or able to stop themselves from doing it when they feel that they've been wronged. Their ego is just too big and it's just too much of a force in their lives. One of the most difficult things to deal with when you're dealing with narcissistic people is the level of punishment involved in these relationships. Whether it is physically assaulting you , smearing you to other people behind your back, freezing you out in cold silence, calling you names, throwing Tantrums when they don't get their way, doing things on purpose to make you angry or jealous, disappearing to worry upset or scare you, trying to make you feel guilty or otherwise bad, withholding things that you want or need, destroying your stuff, cheating on you or anything else.. there has most likely been a large amount of punitive behavior on the part of the narcissistic person you're dealing with you've likely seen some of these things in some ways,
The drive to punish appears to be multifaceted in narcissists. One is the involvement of the ego. This is sometimes known as a narcissistic injury and it's the basis of most of the rage you see in these personalities even when you can't figure out what the injury is or how they got it. The ego of narcissist is extremely fragile which means it is essentially perpetually injured. Even things as small as saying "hello" in what they perceive to be a "wrong" tone of voice offends and hurts and insults and injures these personalities on a level that non-narcissistic people probably cannot even begin to understand. They are constantly scanning situations for things that are intended to upset, hurt insult or offend them and of course they find these things when you think the only person anyone is ever talking or thinking about is you then everything they say and do is about you somehow. Sometimes they take an innocuous or unrelated comment to be about something that they're hiding or refusing to admit and they inadvertently reveal that through their anger or by trying to defend themselves. This happens because it's what the comment meant to them, it's what they were thinking about and they just assume this is also what you meant and what you were thinking about. No one else exists except for them.
Another component of the drive to punish appears to be the idea that punishing others is associated with power and control. If you are in the position of meeting out punishment you have all the power, similar to being the parent in this situation. The person who is Doling out the punishment is the boss they have all the power and control in the situation. If you're the Punisher you're righteous and best of all Justified...you're not bad, the other person's bad, you're not wrong the other person's wrong, you have done nothing to deserve punishment the other person deserves the punishment. They must be powerful, they must be in control, they must be righteous and Justified.. above all they must not be bad, not be wrong and not be the villain in any situation. Being in the righteous position to punish others meets every single one of these criteria and the reality is many of them enjoy causing and paying to other people it makes them feel powerful, something they don't feel in general and which they desire very much but often lack the fortitude or ability to demonstrate to capture. Narcissists are very much like children in this way.. They feel powerless and unable to affect change in any real way on any real thing so they play their little punishment power games and feel like they might actually be somebody for a while.
Another component oin the drive to punish others is the reality that narcissistic personalities are unhappy, miserable, raging, infantile people who can do nothing with all of that misery and rage except dump it out onto others. They cannot hold it or process it or do anything with it at all except dump it. It isn't enough just to release it, somebody has to receive it and to take it. somebody has to be to blame for it, somebody has to answer for it or it can't be dumped. Narcissists require others to take their pain, angre, shame, frustration, failure, their inability. Someone has to answer for all these things and it can't be the narcissist themselves. They cannot tolerate that, It is possible that many are not even capable of it by now. They must simply offload these things onto other people and the things must be received or they can't be gone. You are the person who's required to take all of these things. I f you don't you are considered to be a bad person who doesn't care or whatever else will make you feel bad enough to take it.
Part of the reason narcissists punish others is because they believe others are punishing them. This is a very common theme with pathologically narcissistic personalities that they're being excessively punished, persecuted or otherwise unfairly treated. It's likely that in many situations they really believe that, Realistically they seem to have no real belief that they've ever done anything wrong and even if they will agree that they have any level of consequences is deemed unfairly punitive and even persecutory. This seems to happen in part because they themselves are so punitive and in part because they have so much self-loathing and shame they assume punishment is not only warranted but inevitable, Bad people deserve punishment. The mindset of the narcissist regarding how they treat other people and or regarding how they believe they're being treated by others, whoever hands out the punishment has all the power and in the all-consuming power dynamics in the world of narcissistic people you're either one or the other.
Another parrt of the reason why narcissists punish other people so harshly is that in their projected self-loathing. This is the punishment they deem necessary for the crime that has been committed and they have to project it on to you. You're the one that committed the crime. Narcissists tend not to see consequences as naturally occurring or understandable predictable things that result from one's own choices and behavior, but as things that are being done to them by somebody else as punishments. They resent that very much so they punish you back essentially and the relationship becomes one long power struggle where the narcissist becomes more and more resentful, Angry, offended and feels more and more controlled oppressed or smothered and encroached upon by the other person. The punishment from these people never ends they never forget anything that they believe you've done to them and they will never let you live it down. There's no forgiveness, good faith, benefit of the doubt, justendless punishment for the failure to match up to the Perfect Image they erroneously created of you in the beginning.
In normal relationships between people there is a period of idealization, it's usually not as Intense or as unrealistic as the idealization in a relationship with a narcissist but it does still happen. People end up seeing each other more realistically and then they adjust to the realistic idea of the other person. With narcissists this does not happen. There is no way to come back from this original loss of esteem in the narcissist's eyes due to their psychological rigidity and their lack of understanding regarding whole object relations. They have no ability to reconcile the real you with the image of you that they created. They see your failure to live up to this as incredibly upsetting and shocking. It is not uncommon for narcissists to accuse people of tricking them or lying to them for not being what the narcissist thought they were. There is no way to make them understand that you didn't pretend to be anything they just had the wrong idea about who and what you were. Their assumptions are seen as knowledge and a contradiction to these assumptions is viewed as lying or manipulation on anybody else's part. You have fooled them in a very vicious and cruel way you pretended to be caring and kind and perfect and you're not. You lied to them you made them look stupid you tricked them you embarrass them that needs to be answered for. Somebody is going to have to pay for that and it isn't going to be them.
Some narcissists leave or cut off relationships when this happens but many others do not . Indeed they will resist to ending the relationship very strenuously and pursue reattachment continuously while at the same time punishing and attacking the other person relentlessly talking about how horrible both the relationship and the other person are. People often become totally frustrated and end up asking if I'm so terrible if it's also bad then why don't we just end the relationship? why are you still here? why do you insist on staying together? The Narcissist often responds to this with even more abuse and or begins accusing the other person of trying to abandon or discard them instead of answering what is actually a very valid and reasonable question. The answer appears to be that narcissists literally need other people for survival. They need other people to take delivery of their nasty little packages. They are dependent and not able to cope with very much at all if they don't have somebody who will do that. They also don't appear to be able to experience themselves except through the reactions and the input of other people. In in a very sad irony the worse they can claim that a relationship is and believe a relationship is the better it makes them feel. Many of them are trying to recreate some old power dynamic that they can now achieve the upper hand in thereby finally "winning" over a caregiver or some other perceived enemy from their past. Other people are dragged into this conflict unwillingly and installed into roles as they did not agree to or even know about, unwittingly playing out parts that were created way before they ever came along and receiving punishment that really belongs to somebody else.
Narcissist narcissistic personalities do not see other people for who they are and they don't see why it's necessary so they have no desire to learn how to do that. These are very simple almost primitive personalities that are Guided by very complex forces that they do not appear to understand in the least or even care about trying to understand. They just react to what they perceive to be happening without appearing to ask themselves why or even exploring things to see if they make any sense. They appear to believe that their conclusion is always correct and therefore their reaction is always appropriate. They simply do not recognize limits in any form, either for their own behavior or pertaining to other people. They are like children in this way reacting to Big feelings with no breaks or controls at all and no understanding of why they should even have any. You hurt me and now I will hurt you, you made me feel bad now I will make you feel bad. There's no understanding or even acknowledgment that their feelings are coming from inside of them and might not even be related to the other person or any external events at all. They seem to believe their feelings are solely generated by things outside of themselves. This is dangerous because these are unhappy, mean-spirited, envious, frightened people who are almost always in the grip of some negative feeling that they need somebody to answer for. This is why in these relationships the punishment never ends. They are always unhappy and it is always someone else's fault. You're not being punished for your behavior that's a justification because they can't understand their own emotional reactions and they immediately assume that someone else must have done something to cause these emotional reactions so they look around for what that something was. They will always find it because you can always make something sound or look bad whenever you try.
Also don’t confuse intensity of emotion with depth of emotion. Emotional intensity is not an indication of emotional depth. Toddlers display emotional intensity but not emotional depth. Just because an emotion is "big" doesn't mean it is meaningful or important, or anything else. It just means it's big. In narcissists, this is a red flag for emotional disregulation and perhaps emotional immaturity. It is not a sign of emotional depth. It's similar to the way toddlers experience emotions. They are big and they are strong, but they are fleeting. You can often distract and defuse a toddler during a tantrum with a knock knock joke. You can also do that with adult narcissists at times if you throw them an emotional curve ball during a tantrum. That's probably not a coincidence. The majority of these personalities are boring, hollow, and have no insight into why they do anything at all. Their behaviour makes no more sense to them than it does to you, and their nowhere near as curious about it than you are. Their is nothing to learn in the relationship and nothing more to see. Its simply the idiot cycling of empty machinery. What depth they may have (if any) is not accessible - to them or anyone else.
Many narcissists appear to be almost afraid of their emotions and reactions or ashamed of them as if they believe that only bad people have bad feelings, so this has to be blamed on somebody else. I don't have bad feelings, I'm not a bad person.. you are making me have bad feelings therefore you are the bad person. you're not being punished for your behavior or anything you've actually done, you're being punished for their feelings. This is a primitive personality, They don't know how to treat people and they are not interested in learning. They only care about getting what they want and if this hurts or inconvenience other people they don't care about that doesn't matter to them. If someone is abusive, disrespectfu, they're unable to communicate and if they're not interested in improving any of these things there really isn't any other choice but to leave the relationship unless you are willing to tolerate being treated badly. The only thing you realistically can do in these situations is decide if you are going to tolerate someone constantly dumping their psychic emotional garbage onto you because they can't deal with it themselves. .You don't have to tolerate that, it's not your responsibility or even your place to take care of another adult's emotions for them. It doesn't have to be your problem too.
@@aliross2720 lyrical wise words, thank you
they whole life playing the games
I don’t want revenge.. just want to go on with my life. I actually am going to use this as a catalyst to becoming a better, healthier person. :-)
I found a couple of tweaks to my way if thinking and doing that has helped me.
Yes, I do have feelings for the narcissist, yes they have the ability to trigger those feelings, but... I don't have to act on those feelings the way they expect me to. I can stop letting them tell me how I feel, and what I think.
And by doing that, they cant gaslight me for not being honest about my feelings. They are mine I can have them. I can be honest that I have them. And it frustrates them when they can't control me with my feelings.
Second, in trying to have a honest conversation keep it to One point or question. When they take the conversation in different directions, listen, then bring the conversation back by; not engaging in their new topic. By acknowledging their point then pointing out it has nothing to do with what you were trying to talk to them about. By verbally acknowledging their apparent need to talk about 'whatever' before talking about what You want to talk about, but then it's your turn to talk about .. Acknowledge, validate, see their point, appreciate their 'share', but don't participate in their topic and attempt to get you off track. Then repeat your question or point, word for word, dont deveate, and do it without frustration or irritation showing in your voice (because then they know they have you close to giving up) they will become frustrated and irritated and jumbled in their thinking. They will bring up stuff they know will trigger you
They will turn the conversation around onto you. A good response on your part would be - ok we have talked about this x amount of times, I'm willing to talk about that with you, but I started this conversation because I - want/need/ would like to/ talk to you about x.
These two basic changes in the way I thought and communicated changed the impact the 3 narcissist in my life were able to have on my psyche.
Sometimes it’s about reestablishing your ground and status
Many words can be put in other words to give a clearer picture.
E.g. to commit revenge on to others is to Commit to inner Self Demage.
Richard, you do a beautiful job of teaching others how to Not become monsters.
Looking forward to the video!!!! In my experience the best revenge was healing, smiling and moving forward. I found that if I experienced only 2 years of the loneliness and pain that he has experience 49 years of his life...I am winning.
Love this 💛
Thank you. This is so well said.
not 49 years, Forever, Forever and Forever
Since he born until die
You grey stone them, disappear, reappear in another country, get married, have kids, experience love and kindness as you should, live happily ever after. 😉
My biggest challenge, back then, was not only dealing with my trauma, but also feeling responsible for all the women abused before me and after me. I learned how important a paper trail was. I had a domestic violence advocate while going through pressing charges against him…and a police detective who was able to shed light on the danger I was actually in. This happened a decade ago , I’m still healing, but will never be sorry for responsibility and legally taking “revenge”, if nothing else, to protect the next victim. Ironically, He passed away last year, so the fight is finally over… closure in this way is a bitter pill to swallow. I feel I am now finally free to live my life without fear. Sad but true. Such a fucking relief.
It’s not revenge … there is a difference… if you behaved in this way …would you not expect the same? Do not do unto others that you wouldn’t have or expect for yourself… there is a difference I think… mine has been living in my home and by my means to keep him… going to court… I don’t think it’s revenge but I felt guilty like it was… I would not expect another to keep me and live by sucking everything from them without responsibility to self …
I have worked all my life, he hasn’t … it’s my house and I want it … it belongs to me… that’s not revenge… i have avoided confrontation all my life… and realised there is a time gif everything snd I need to fight for what is mine
If only my stalker would exit this earthly realm like yours did. Should I hope?
@@kayhaladay2460I get you, mine hasn't worked since 28years old, I've worked hard all my life, I've only just understood what a devil it's been whilst under a spell and now I'm 6months free and I will never go back to that controlled, abussive marriage.
I'm scared to meet someone else because I'm so forgiving and empathic 😢❤always wins 😊
The narc eventually gets what's coming to him/her. Whether you are their to see it, is another matter.
I did and it was brilliant 🤣
@Ann A I feel the same way about my covert narc. I had to see him in court last November. Now that my feelings for him changed drastically due to his psychotic behavior during the rapid devaluation stage, I saw him as a stooped over overweight, gray haired troglodyte at age 71. He bought his little self a trailer in a retirement community 6 miles away from my home that I've owned for 30 years with the idea that he would come and go as he pleased, share custody of the dog, and have his toddler rages every month or so preceded by 2 days of the silent treatment. Now, hopefully he will die a lonely old sick bastard. One of his son's could care less about him after he had a 2 month affair with his former daughter in law of 18 years. He disgusts me, yet I'm working on moving on.
Agreed. It's only a matter of time.
What happened? I’m happy for you! 🤣
Don't want revenge, just want to be left alone.
He never knew me at ALL.
Yes
that's how i feel in relation to my mother and father who
are no longer of this world
These are totally accurate methods of moving on. For anyone getting hung up on the revenge word, it helps to understand that these tactics will help broaden the emotional distance between you and the narcissist. These steps will make you stronger and the narcissist might well look for someone weaker to use
We're not " hung up" on the word but the action it purveys is negative and implies escalation not closure.
The greatest revenge against a person who tears you down is to show them it didn't work and don't be like them.
For Narcs it doesn't hurt, because they create pain. And enjoy it.
No revenge these people r sick and can never recover , I attracted the narc cause I had underlying issues , all I can say is thanku for opening my eyes to myself , I’m on the road to recovery to a better version from me , thank god it only lasted a short time and I had the strength to pull myself away
me too
Don't take revenge....you're coming down to their level. Just ignore them and carry on as if they dont exist....its hard but you'll realise how far you've come when you just don't care anymore....good luck!
"Vengeance is Mine" says the Lord, "I will repay." Patience is a virtue.
The best revenge is no revenge - instead it’s absolute freedom through healing and letting go and living your best you - thanks Richard 💕
I agree. Indifference hurts the most.
Very informative, thank you. It took a long time for the narcissist in my life to get what they deserved. I did the whole revenge thinking, like how can I do this, but then I felt shameful for thinking like that. I started doing my own thing, and ignoring them as much as possible. I thought it would at least keep them from getting any fuel for their fire. They would still try to poke and prod to get something, anything, and I wouldn't fall for it. They got so desperate that they tried to do anything, and it finally started to backfire, because they weren't making any sense in their claims or actions to try and destroy me. There were more people around to witness their behavior, and the truth started to come out. Almost every time they tried something, it backfired. I didn't even have to do anything. It was like, the more they tried the worse they looked. I thought, finally, people see me, the real me.
Also, a lot of hardships I've dealt with, I've done it alone. I used to think, why do I have to endure so much and do it alone. Then I realized that I've gained a type of strength from it. I would go through something thinking, I'll never be able to do this, but I have to, because there was no one who could or would do it for me, I had no choice. Now, I've seen what I've handled, and I don't doubt myself when the next challenge arrives, it doesn't mean it isn't hard at times. It can be quite empowering. I'm not saying we shouldn't get help once in awhile, but it does strengthen you to do it on your own sometimes too. You learn a lot about yourself. I wonder if that is sort of the approach of the Buddhist monks. They give you the space and time, but you have to do it for yourself. Then you will see your power.
Revenge is a dish best served cold and I think that Richard knows what type of revenge he has in mind ..
Stay tuned for the video 😎
Sleeping with 3 guys and 3 women (I presume at the same time!) would definitely do it 🤣
inside joke? or saying a successful life is the best revenge? I do love Mr Grannon's videos re narcissists.
@@HappyDanceThrifter reason speaks.
@@HappyDanceThrifter - Cryptosporidium? That's specific. Care to tell the story?
I find that kind of compassion very helpful with detaching from the victim mentality
So basically, the best revenge is heal and be happy & fulfilled 🌟 and leave them in the dust.
Awesome 😎
YES
Perfect. 100% accurate and super relatable . The timing is eerily apropos so let me share this :
- 5- ask your higher power , God , Nature, Lifeforce, Flying Spaghetti Monster, The Dude, The Force or whatever you work with - ASK FOR HELP ridding your Self of their infection , identifying whatever it is that got you into this in the first place , help yo help your Self let go and detach .
The info is all IN THERE - and using the concept of a higher power to dig it out into the light of awareness - it works super fast .
You're right Richard, there is no need for revenge against such pitiful broken people. I see it like taking revenge on a rabid dog that bit you....what's the point, concentrate on your own health and what you need to do to survive and get better. The people I struggle to forgive are the people who knew about him (the ones who live in denial), the ones I was kind and considerate of over a long period of time. They took my kindness for granted and never reached out to comfort me or even validate me after the split when I was broken in so many ways. That still hurts. I hope their conscience bothers them...maybe it does...I wouldn't know.
I definitely don’t want to get revenge, I’m not that kind of human but this does help in healing and continuing to deal with him on a limited basis
The more you heal from abuse, the more intolerable it is to be abused. In the meantime, be someone your healed future self will be proud of remembering.
I’ve been to Thailand in search of healing three times. Most certainly was shocking to learn and discover my corruption/illness through the eyes of Buddhism. Difficult realization that changed my life and the lense I was seeing through. Beyond grateful
Thailand has a way of providing good healing! Now you got me thinking about a return. May good healing come your way
Thanks for the information that you continue to share with us, most of us entered these relationship without knowing who we were dealing with . Was once involved in relationship with a narcissist and i can testify that its true, the damage they can cause is severe. I've moved away from that person and i'm healing path and i'm noticing now i'm becoming more peaceful and happy.
If you want revenge on a narcissist, you might want to check that you aren't a narcissist yourself. The best revenge of success. Go out and live your dreams and forget about them. That's gonna hurt them worse than anything else that you could ever try to do against them
Amen
You become split - revenge is more of a psychopathic behaviour. You’re very much Them when you get out - and if the desire for revenge is there , give yourself time to detox them out of you.
Wanting Justice , or to expose them - isn’t revenge - it’s trying to recover your lost innocence . But again - that’s an inside job .
With severely malignant psychopathic narcs- you don’t even want revenge you just want to flee for your life and recover your sanity bc secondary psychopathy- esp of the sadistic variety - is a horrifying thing to internalize.
@@hopflo11 agree I consider it a blessing in disguise for them to be far removed
@@thenorthface4 Good on you and all best its not easy to survive what you did but at least your still here and still strong and moved forwards.
Feeling angry for how someone has treated you and seeking revenge are 2 very different things. Personally, it’s more that I’ve been left to clear up a big mess and the narcissist has left and seems to be unscathed. Thats very painful to witness, I don’t think it makes someone a narcissist to feel upset by that.
Richard: Here is how I tackled my situation from Laws of Karma. My spouse did to me what I might have done to him in past life. Therefore my Karma came back to me through this Karmic bond. My lesson in this lifetime was to cultivate compassion for that sick person and realize my power to stand up for myself. Once I understood that no matter what I did, I could not make this relationship better and the only way forward was my total annihilation, I let go and decided to move on. It was very very tough. So now I am working on forgiving myself, because I allowed it to happen to me. I knew things were off, but I couldn't place my finger on it. I listened to my body and my feelings and let go. I am now working on truly accepting and loving myself as I am. I am doing this for him too, not for his sake, but mine. Thank you for your videos. Would love to hear more content regarding individuation. Namaste.
There is no past life karma and no, you didn't deserve what your spouse did to you, it wasn't fair. What u are doing here is blaming yourself, which is called "victim blaming". My deep condolences. Santa C. isn't real im afraid. Im sorry to tell you this but ....i can't help it but to share this knowledge (cos i come from new-age awakened family and realised...its all a scam. My world collapsed. Its funny how they say its all an illusion, a matrix that we all live in. Turns out new-age is a matrix itself). In fact...you have childhood trauma and visiting a psychologist could be very good option for you. At least it helped me and my friends greatly. New age is just wishful thinking so a person can get through life while glamourising the pain. Its easier to live like this in the moment but it does a lot of damage on the long run, because new-age doesn't adress the cause. Same goes for buddhism he mentioned in this video and all religions. Its basically all the same. To make it simple: your life lesson might be realising you have: childhood CPTSD, codependency or limerance, low selfesteem, narcissistic parents, traumabonded your whole life etc... Wish you lots of luck. And it does get better. And no, this doesn't mean u are stupid. On the contrary, you had to be very smart as a child to survive your parents. This way you developed surviving/coping mechanisms, which u are still using today.
It took decades to **get over** him - it. Stopped caring about any revenge a few years after we split. What happened- I did move on. It took time to heal and time to forgive myself for not seeing who he was when we were dating. It took long time to forgive myself and him.
for impact on our 3 children all of whom turned out well considering. He was very well off in millionaire range -- I was not. However, I was comfortable enough. Anyway as years passed and we including kids left him alone - that drove him nuts. As time went on he established relationship with our grown children who by and large forgave him. He is older now - sold off most of his property in Colorado and had a small fortune tucked away. He aided our hard working very productive children to pay off their mortgages and helped his grandkids by putting money in fund for them. Oddly enough he and his current wife sent me a nice gift for Christmas - not diamonds but a gift showing at least the wife paid attention to what I might like. I am a person of faith - I truly believe in God and am convinced when you truly forgive your persecutors and yourself and let time heal you - you don't need revenge - instead you get miracles. Thanks for your videos. I truly enjoy them and pass on to others struggling with narcissists in their lives.
My revenge was grey rock . I've been told by friends and my daughter that he has lost his mind . He's unraveling mentally. And still trying to to me through them .he is still making threats after 6yrs of being apart . Vengeance is making your life amazing, getting therapy so you never make the same mistake.
Your problem runs deeper than him if others in your life are relaying messages to you that he’s “unraveling” or telling him how amazing your life is. It’s a very unhealthy dynamic. Why are they participating and why are you tolerating it?
@@Gemmarose9012 and you're here keeping track of others problems' in a youtube comments section?
*_Summary_*
1)Take your attention away from them
2)They never knew you at all
3)Consider how you have been infected
4)Allow yourself to grow and develop as a human being
*-Thank me later-* 😎
I felt that when I got present to the real feelings of grief, sadness, shame, the anger for retribution was a useful way to hold those feeling off. I felt so done over, weak, stupid etc etc so anger helps but it’s not productive eventually in this circumstance for the long term/healing
“While seeking revenge, dig two graves - one for yourself.” - Confucius
Im glad you pointed out the traditional Buddhist path thank you
Best way to do this is to become very successful at something or everything you set your mind to do that's completely wholesome and life affirming and that has nothing to do with romance, or call it love or hooking up, and so on (unless it's unrequited love that’s never consummated). And, of course, be happy, even if you have to fake it in the beginning until it becomes genuine, and it will.
"Freudian slip!"
This man is a gem.
YES!
I'm getting healthier and healthier focusing on ME and people who have earned my attention and love.
Bingo 🎉
This is not a food review channel. This is a cultural documentary that makes me appreciate our planet and will support this channel till l'm an old woman.🥰🥰🥰
I'm on day 10 of No Contact with my ex narc. The hardest day so far was day 6. I was so close to contacting but didn't and I was so proud of myself.
I find myself looking for excuses (on the bad days) to break no contact and call him. Exactly like you have just mentioned, I play out the scenario in my head. Based on the past, nothing positive would come from it. I can only 100% guarantee that it would harm my mental health not help. If it gets too overwhelming, I look to your videos. It anchors me back to real reality.
How is it going? I have almost urge to text my ex narc but i don’t want to. Just started watching this video and feeling a bit better. Tonight it is just so overwhelming.
Thanks that is what I’ve done. No need to lash out but to just move on and focus on my health. It’s taken me over a year to get where I am and it’s wonderful. He never thought I’d leave.
It took me three years to come away from my narcistic ex-husband. I finally was able to go no contact a year ago. Since then I have been healing and made great progress. I feel so much more peacefull. But I'm not there yet. I'm still scared that if I let go of my anger towards him, I could be hoovered in again. I don't want to feel anger. I'm not a vengefull person. In fact this was why he got a grip on me: I wanted to life in harmony and did what I could to get there together but I got more and more confused, even sick, that nothing seemed to work. Untill I finally realised he only cares about himself and I learned about narcisism. Then everything fell into place. I'm moving on, grew up emotionally, but still I wish that he gets what he deserves for the harm he caused on me and our children. I will not actively seek revenge, that will only bring more of the same shit about, as you say. But I stil gloat a bit when I hear something doesn't work out for him. And I think I need to keep a little bit of the resentment to not forget that it is impossible to come to harmony with this person. What would your advice be on this matter?
WoW Same here Sister. We learn and grow.
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THIS RICHARD YOUR VIDEOS HAVE HELPED ME SO VERY MUCH. I WAS HORRIBLY BEATEN DOWN BY A NARC AND IM STRUGGLING TO DISCONNECT
Great video. Trying to take revenge on a narcissist never works. They know all the tricks. It usually backfires.
Two or three months? Gosh! I've been No contact for almost 4 years now and still feel beaten. Considering it was 12 years and we're currently on a legal battle for custody, I have made progress but it's really hard and draining.
Rebecca Zung on YT has guides for narcissistic and court. Very helpful info.
Thanks Richard, that was excellent and I liked the karma element and clarification 👍🏻
The best revenge is not becoming like those who harm you.
Living well (WITHOUT THEM!) is the best revenge!! You NEVER NEEDED THEM! And now you don't WANT THEM!! And you're HAPPY! The exact opposite of anything they ever wanted to see!
Thank you for pointing out the negatives on getting revenge. I have nothing but pity for my narcissistic father and regret over the loss of a nurturing father daughter relationship. He is living a lonely existence and unable to see his NPD or change it. That is enough to live with. I’ve moved on with the help of therapy and educating myself. What I struggle with is forgiveness of the abuse and mistreatment I lived with and that my father who was supposed to love me, did not love me. My faith in my Heavenly Father is my refuge. Thank you.
It's difficult to be like this when the narcs you know are covert and/or the people around them are extreme doormats or codependents. So they never end up alone or learning that their behaviour is problematic.
My revenge fantasy was creating a piece of mind blowing art the became famous. I was sadly looking for his validation still. It feel embarrased now. How narcissistic.
I have no desire to get revenge. I take no pleasure in other's suffering.
Richard, oddly enough, when I finally had had enough I actually said "You don't know anything about me. Don't call me anymore." Then I hung up while he was stunned. There was absolutely no feeling in my voice - no anger, no fear, no sorrow, etc...Then I never answered the times that he did phone.
And, yes, eventually, after taking the high road or walking away from narcissistic parents and sibling then this other numbnut, I became so full of rage towards everyone including friends and family. It's been SUCH a long road.
Great perspective - thank you 👍
Sir Richard is 100% correct. I have never been targeted by a love interest, spouse, or family member narc but I have been targeted by Narcs in my military career. It got worse, the higher up I went and up I went to do their bidding and become a bigger and bigger punching bag. These people were horrific. They were not classic text book Narcs in the sense of being boisterous and loud and ugly people. No, they were subtle, savvy operators who knew how to build popularity and followers and knew who to target. I was targeted because I didn't "play the game" but was nonetheless good at what I did -- this was a threat to them and their self perception. Anyway, they destroyed me and a few others, and the tactics they used leave long term if not life long marks. My lesson to share? I wish I had fought back and regret not doing so. I lacked alliance building skills and had I tried to do it, it would have only blown up in my face (the alliance building part). Even so, I had the goods on a three star sociopath but wanted to be magnanimous hoping God would prevail or others would come to my rescue and it would be like the ending of a Hallmark movie where good guy wins. She (yes she was a female three star), instead of being thankful that I didn't turn her in with the evidence to back me up, waited for me to retire and then destroyed me using innuendo, investigative powers, and smear campaigns with her flying monkeys and those fearful masses who would rather crap on a good guy than get marked for destruction by the narc. Or just sit back and let it happen to avoid getting shrapnel. Sometimes it's not revenge when you fight back. Sometimes it's doing society a solid. She's enjoying life as someone with an unmarked reputation because no one who knows how she really is will ever come forward and she enjoys her three star retirement as well as CEO pay. I on the other hand have never held a job since retiring from the military -- and have no relationships with anyone with whom I served because the military is a fickle community. Hear something, avoid something. Including life long friendships. People heard stuff and jumped ship. Not one job offer (with one or two exceptions that included being a janitor -- no offense to janitors but I was a fifty year old retired senior officer). The other gift that she gave me that kept on giving is the gift of being a target for people who were never even in the military. I am now targeted by neighbors everywhere I live because I live near our center of government. Word travels and most successful people are narcs on some level and once they find a target next door or across the street, you become their play toy. Sir Richard is right -- but at the same time if it is work related or something else where your livelihood and health are at risk, if you get a chance to take out a narc legally or bureaucratically, preferably anonymously, do so promptly and without prejudice.
I learned lately what SIR mean...''slave I remain''...
I hope you find peace in your life 🕊️
with contentment and joy .
Thanks for sharing. I agree with you I feel like after everything I've experienced that's the same type of lesson I'd like to convey to people as well.
I have a daughter who just turned 15 & I've been trying to educate her about this. I'm glad to see there's so much more information available now compared to about 10 years ago on this topic
MegDD.3912, Your daughter's very lucky. Good on you for imparting this kind of wisdom. Imagine if every or at least more parents did this. I'd imagine society would be happier and stronger.
Im sorry that you suffered this. Thankyou for sharing this hatsh reality to help others understand and work out strategy to put these characters in their place wherever they may be.
The only thing that's affects them is to move on and go no contact, living a happy life... There is no successful revenge with them...
BRILLIANT VIDEO, was married to a narcissist for 28yrs, did gieve but out the other side, don't want revenge just now live in PEACE.
You all are like my support group. I thank all of you.
It took 9 months, but finally I am being hoovered... :) I would LOVE to reply to her "I own my mistakes, I am sorry, we are all on a journey, I write to you in the name of peace and sacred love, you where the love of my life, blah, blah..." bullshit manipulation with a letter from hell, BUT I stay no contact, though it is harrrddd! Too much work, effort, pain, self-reflection, and grieving has gone into my healing to get back in that ring. All the best to you all! A
i suspect the types of revenge are focused on ourselves( living your life etc) which frustrates the narcissists.
otherwise revenge is like the chinese proverb
if you want revenge, you must first dig two graves.. one for them and one for you.
Stay tuned for the video 😎
Absolutely.
"Absolutely" was meant to reply to comment by TheRahsoft.
This is fantastic. I am using this advice on my NPD neighbour. I have suffered 4 years of abuse because I didn’t know what was going on. This is great advice and knowledge. I love listening to your films. Thank you.
does my step mom live next door to you?
My husband is at the point of "not forever ". 29 years together and then suddenly all the deceipt, lies, cruelty and manipulation was exposed.
I needed to hear this!! It's why I want to seek revenge because he makes me want to do this and it's the FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER FELT THESE EMOTIONS!! And I am divorced twice still friends with them or cordial and there's no revenge thoughts from either party anyway I needed to hear this! Karma is something they have effect them daily...they absorbed your good karma while you were together. They are miserable and looking back I thought to myself what has hurt this person that they want me to hurt this way?
someone said to me once , people like that, usually end their lives very lonely as no one wants to be around them...before i walked away from my mum and sister i heard them say 'no one visits anymore and no one invites us round ?'. its so sad but i am not going to be put down anymore...my own mother accused me of 'spying on women' just because i had a drone, and i just snapped. just walked away.
Im 6 years post discard. All I can say is, to heal you have to go through it. It took me 3 years and I don’t even know the person I used to be.
What goes around comes around
Before finding this channel, I actually had people telling me I mustn't take revenge and I needed to stop taking revenge
I was very confused as I hadn't spoken to the narc, I was just getting on with my life.
Thank you Richard Grannon everything you said helped me without explaining or defending myself, you speak so much sense
GreAt video…. really liked what you had to say about detachment, karma…… and the inevitable downward spiral of the narcissistic, even if it’s decades later….. I’ve also witnessed this….. yes 🙌 it’s really true…..
Do they get worse
@@franceshaggitt3104 yes, and some get dementia...there are few things worse
Very accurate and great video Richard. Thank you 😊
RG your beautiful genuine happiness shines through , your laughter is authentic , your authenticity is super glowed up in this !! I hope this recently recorded - bc you look like youre coming back to …. How you were a few years ago - except wiser and more healed … unburdened , unburdened from maybe not even know you were being poisoned bc it was educational & career boosting but - NEVER EVER will they not poison you if you get too close.
. I feel this happy unburdened energy today also !
It feels good to feel good !
"Are you a vengeful person normally? "
Yes. I am a channel of nemesis, the vengeful arm of themis, and clearly in need of a holiday and probably alot of therapy 🥴
Okay, so go to therapy.
And take a holiday!
I just love you Richard. Unfortinsty, i can't afford yout courses. But what i can listen to you for free, has helpension me a lot. U wish you all the best.❤
People who trash the content creator on any site need to grow up and unsubscribe.
This creator is giving accurate, valuable information that helps.
Trashing a video content creator instead of just unsubscribing is in and of itself a little narcissistic. Let’s all “adult” for today and stop throwing shade. 🙏
Ive been thinking about NPD this and NPD that and Im leaning on the side that it really isnt a disorder. If anything, in my opinion, "NPD" is something that the narcissist gives the "victim". Much like a STD. NPD is the abuse or the symptoms of the abuse, not the narcissist itself. The abused is sadly the one with a "disorder" after being with a narcissist. A narcissist doesnt hurt themselves so "NPD" is a non-diagnosis. It doesnt exists... but if it does, if anything, its the "victim" that has it.
It's the "false self," that "has it." (i.e. The dis-order.) That's WHY, they can never HEAL. and only "project" their dis- ease, on others. (Like Vaknin amusingly claiming that "Grannon, is the narc.") And worse; the narcissist tries (in vain...) to "dump their crap, "on others. That's simply NOT how "Karma, works..." as any more NORMAL ten year old, soon realizes. But no narc will "agree," with this... any more than many a 2- 9 year old, does, because it's logically reasoned, innately 'intuitive...' and the TRUTH. ;-)
Best revenge is to be authentic. Express your joy when it shows and be honest about where you are at. Because at the least. Your content with whom you are .if not work on your own character .produce character.
.through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;perseverance, character; and character, hope.And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. - Romans 5:2-5
Authenticity and honest expressions tell narcissists they are not in control of you. It is quite a nightmare for a narcissist to be faced with such powerlessness over another.
Maybe kindness is for you not them. Very good one! I recently told my 26yr old lib, boundaries are for you, not everyone else. Hope that was right advice.
It was ;)
Been following your advice and it's been helping me immensely. Thank you. I no longer want revenge..I'm moving forward as I fight for full custody of our daughter. Your advice is amazing..it works like magic. Thank you!
Yes! Redundant element.
I'm the happiest I've ever been. 26 years with an abuser. 14 months free. I could not imagine ever having him in my life again.
I don't know if I really want or need vengeance. His daughters have disowned him so that's his karma.
I'm living a life I never thought I would while I was in his prison.
You are brilliant, amazing, hilarious, and have Helped me beyond belief! Thank you!!!!! Want you to know-I broke free, manifested a brand new, amazing job after years of operating in passive aggressive, narcissistic hell! May I only attract healthy people and environments in my life from now on!
Best revenge. Never speaking or seeing them again. Focus on your life again. You know they stalk ur social media. So
Being happy and thriving will kill them.
Thank you for this I really needed this🥺😔🙏🏻
The only revenge to narcissistic is not only no contact with them, but make Improvements for yourself and forgive yourself + them and entire situation. Toxic can't be from one side but both mutual parties. It's just part of our season and lessons of life therefore both are learning each other because we're living mirroring each other.
It’s interesting to understand they know the relationship will ultimately fail. I think it’s the hoovering that is the ultimate game for them. To get you back as a secondary supply in their black book. They get to have you, but not be close, and only as a friend. I saw that list of friends....it’s a disgusting thought I’d be on it.
Hence the word “normal”! Therapy is always a good idea. Living well is always the best revenge. No contact or grey rock is my MO. NEVER go down to their level, if you do - take a shovel! Best advice I’ve heard in a long time! Thank you for the share! Love the channel! ♥️
Karma: No need for revenge. Just sit back and wait. Those who hurt you eventually screw up themselves, and if your lucky, God will let you watch....
Thanks for these videos 💗
It adds fuel to their fire and spirals down in a negative pit and you will be left hurt. It's not worth it.
I’m seriously patiently waiting for you to post a how to make your mark on a narcissist or how to give a narcissist butterflies lol I know my dude got issues but I just want to help him heal be the man I see in him so I put up with a lot but because I love this man with my whole heart I just wish he could open up emotionally even a tiny bit would give me so much strength to continue having his back lol
I don’t want revenge just to heal move on with my life and forget the last 3 years I’m in therapy back in the gym losing weight feeling stronger day by day 2 months no contact and I know how I was duped in my childhood which I am looking at and changing how I am in everything in my life I am partly glad I met him he made me realise I am worth so much more self esteem self worth is what I’m building
I dont need to get revenge but Im not afraid to get it. You know revenge is the core of bpd.
Thanks for helping me ❤❤❤❤❤❤really a eye opener 😊 am Indian ..even many parents 99% parents don't have awareness about narc disorder here 😕 thanks for spreading awareness and knowledge through your videos ❤love you ❤️ 💙 😘 ♥️ may God bless you ❤️
I employed all manner of deception and duplicity to thwart all her incredibly cold and nasty tricks.
Lo and behold, I was operating in her frame the more I rebelled and hurt. That's the part that hurt the most, that's the part that took the longest to heal from. I hated that darkness in me.
"Improve as a human being" and "don't go down to their morally decrepit level" could ALSO be interpreted as "do nothing about what happened and feel good about it". Revenge is a sort of self defense in my eyes, mentally and literally. But it has risks.
Yes. There is sometimes a moral aspect to seeking justice and preventing others from being threatened as well.
But the way we would be driven to take revenge after being abused by them womt work with a narc, hence the video
I think the word 'revenge' on a narcissist is more as a result from you making different choices that remove them from a person of importance in your life. This is more distressing to them then revenge as an intentional act against them to make them feel pain, frustration, abandonment, unimportant. They won't let you win. They will use what you are doing against you to make you feel those things.
So Revenge in this case isnt an action, it's a result.
@@samMe0508 Yes Sam?
@@cynthiadennewith49 thats my learning too - silence is golden for us - deafening to them.
Thank you Richie, I needed this. This feels so good ❤️
Hi Richard, what you are saying is so spot on. Though very hard to hold back especially when my kids are used against me in order to hurt me as she knows very well that my kids are my everything. Example: before split, she "kidnapped" our kids every Friday to her mother's for weekend without my knowledge nor agreement. When I asked whether she thinks it is ok to behave like this, she replied that she can do whatever she wants with our kids because we are not divorced yet and I can do the same! I said, well that is the difference between you and me because I would never do that.
They aren't worth getting revenge, in fact, they would find validation in it.
You should provide closure with Vaknin. Instead of asserting control.