I remember there was the “it gets better” campaign for gay kids when I was younger and I always remember thinking “not for trans people”. Life has gotten better but I relive the experience of those traumatic times every day of my life.
I was an adult and either out or coming out when that "It gets better" thing hit. Other gay folks praised it. To me, it felt more like a half-truth, because of what I'd been through in my own body and my own head, and what others had been like to me, including some of the gay male community online. (I was either too gay or not gay enough or not "something" enough or too "something" for them.) Hah. -- And yes, for too many kids, telling them "it gets better" feels like a lie or a half-truth. It can get better, but there is still a struggle in life, because much of society just doesn't accept people being not straight. It's somewhat better now; more people are more accepting, especially younger folks. But I still hear homophobic slurs, not always at me but in general, and adults and kids still do that, verbal or physical hassling each other, bad jokes, and so on, calling someone gay/queer, even if they are not. People still get hurt or their lives are interfered with or they are made to feel bad for being perceived as, or actually different. -- We need something better, more truthful, to let people know that, despite all the crap they are going through now, they can have better lives and be happy, but it's also true they'll still face some crap for being LGBT. Gotta push through it, rise above it, walk around it. I know I still feel affected by this, but I'm also still here and still trying, and I still want that better world. I may seem sour about it, I do have stuff to get past, but mostly, I still have my life, my viewpoint on the world. We all get through life somehow. And I hate that some people get so overwhelmed that they give up or hurt themselves. I do understand those feelings. I've felt like that too. (Heck, I'm battling with stuff now without much local support.) But that's why it's so needed and why all of us are needed. I would always want someone to find a reason to live, to keep looking for people to love them and talk with and live life. That's a more meaningful form of it gets better, I think, but I want some better way to let people know, and my thoughts on it aren't sufficient. ... And yeah, sometimes I need that support too. We all do.
It gets better just kind of felt like one of those things that’s supposed to speak to those thinking of self-harm or suicide, without enough consideration of the contexts that make them feel that’s their only option. They just went, ‘Oh, queer kids feel isolated and like there’s no future for them so seeing people like them and that they have a future should help,’ but not every kid is going to relate to that or have an opportunity to reach the kind of futures they were showing. I almost feel like it needed another part like ‘Straight people be better’ or ‘We can make it better together,’ which are still a little simplistic but at least provide active things that can help rather than hoping for a future that may never come to an individual personally.
You deserve to not feel bad about yourself. You are not a mistake. Please if you have not, seek a professionals help. Their compassion will provide a respite from your daily grind.
I was “okay” with being a girl. It felt like I was portraying a character in a play, with voices and costumes to put on and reinforce that I was the girl I’d been cast as. I wanted to do a good job, and I felt some pride in so thoroughly becoming her. It wasn’t until I realized that I’d be up on that stage forever if I didn’t do something about it that I started to break down, and finally come to realize who I really am.
This is where I am now, at 29 years old. My first binder is coming in the mail & I came out to my partner & 4 closest friends just a few months ago. It's been so intimidating that I have waffled for the last year about whether I'm simply making a big deal out of nothing, but... I've finally reached a point where I'm not questioning myself every minute of the day. I'm going to take the plunge to discover myself.
* Ah!!!!! I'm the same way!!!! I didn't even know that not feeling connected to your body and not seeing yourself in the mirror wasn't normal until, like, a year ago. And I've known that I'm not cis for six years now!!! Being a boy feels good. I didn't even know that that's how being yourself is *supposed* to feel. It's very scary, but I don't want to give it up!!!!
That's where I'd landed after a hellish puberty too. I'm also on the autistic spectrum, so "masking" was already getting to be second nature for me, and including a tolerable way to perform gender was just another part of it. Of course, that was back before the internet existed, or there was much widespread understanding that non-binary people exist, and before resources to help people who are questioning their gender to figure things out. If I'd only had access to this information when I was 14 rather than when I was pushing 40!
I think I understand how that felt. I always wanted to make my family proud. Another issue I ran into because of the quality of my act that I have people that literally cannot imagine that I'm being honest now. If it wasn't so dangerous to come out and debilitating socially then I don't believe that would be a problem people would run into.
Yeah, For me there was a disconnect between "her" and me. I hated being in photos because I hated seeing a stranger in my memories, whenever I looked in the mirror, I was surprised, I didn't know who to expect but it wasn't her. I finally came out to myself. I now I see myself, and I've never felt so whole.
My mom saved my report cards from kindergarden on up. She gave them to me about 10 years ago. I remember the women in kindergarden being such bitches. Now I can see why. My social grades were F's, because "wants to play with the girls, will NOT stay with the boys". They thought they could beat it out of me. I was five years old for Gods' sake. It only got worse. But that is in the past. I am transitioning now, had FFS and breast augmentation 01/23/21 with body contour scheduled for last week of this October, and GRS for Feb 2, 22 and vocal surgery sometime after. Keep the vids coming Jessie, you give many strength to keep going.
Yeah I was made to sit with my own gender in elementary school since it wasn't ok for kids to have cross gender friends in the 2000s apparently, so stupid.
I have a vivid memory of a neighbor telling 5 year old me that I won't be abled to go into my kiddie pool topless for much longer. He didn't mean anything by it, he just made a comment on how quickly I was growing up, but it stuck with me, because that's the first time that I thought "I don't want that." Fast forward 3 years and there I was asking my mom if I'll ever stop feeling bad about the changes. She said everyone feels bad about their body changing during puberty, but that I'll get used to it eventually. It took me until I was 13 to notice that not everyone feels disgusted by heir own body. There are women who love to be women. Who don't want to hide themselves away like I did. I kept telling myself that I was just very androgynous, that I was neither male nor female. Then I met this kid in 7th grade... and they told me about genderfluid people, and nonbinary people and... trans people. I tried out a bunch of different things... Went from "I think I'm a lesbian..." to "I might be gendefluid" then to "okay no, I'm pansexual..." until finally... my best friend came out as trans. And I sat there. And I thought... and I kept thinking. And eventually, and I remember that as if it was yesterday, I thought "Shit." It took me another year to finally say something... I told my mom and she said that there's no way I could be trans, because I'm not masculine enough. Because I don't behave like a man. Because I'll never be a man. Still better than my father though. He told me to stop lying and when I kept insisting on it, he just... left. ... I refused to go to school for almost 3 years and was sent from one psychiatrist to another until eventually I just coudn't take it anymore. One of them gave a me a paper to fill out... I filled it out and turned it around. "I'm not a girl, but my mom doesn't believe me." is what I wrote on the back. I hated that psychiatrist, but she told me that she can't help me and that I should think about staying at a psych ward. I did. They listened. They took me seriously. They encouraged me... and they gave me another number to call... My appointment is on the 3rd of August. I'm 18 years old now, old enough to sign any papers I need myself. I'm fixing this. I've waited long enough.
It's hard to put yourself out there as a trans person, the hate we receive for doing so is staggering. You shouldn't have had to go through what you went through--none of should, but alongside the pain of hearing your story (and deeply identifying with it), I feel so much relief for all the young trans people who will feel seen and understood because of stories like this one. You've turned your vulnerability into something incredibly powerful to help others. Thank you for putting this out there, Jessie.
I’m literally arguing with a freak right now on here who claims trans people are trans for “diversity points” and how easy it makes things. Utterly delusional.
I know what it's like to be bullied and physically abused by classmates and even my own family. However, as a 62-year old cis-white male, I cannot begin to imagine what you went through. Jessie, all I can say is that I hope to be as strong as you are one day.
I started growing a beard at 14. My classmates kept telling me to shave, so I kept growing it out of spite. I came to like how it set me apart from others and made me seem older. For example, in my freshman year of high school, there was a junior who thought I was a senior when we first met. Back then, I often said I liked having a beard, but, in retrospect, I think I just liked how it affected others' perceptions of me. In truth, I was usually apathetic about my appearance and my body. Now I'm 27 and almost eight months into my feminizing hormone therapy. I'm clean-shaven with shoulder-length hair, more feminine eyebrows, and breasts. And now I enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. Anyway, thank you for another great video, Jessie.
Realizing most people don't feel apathetic towards their appearance was a bit of a realization to me. Realizing a lot of thoughts and feelings I've had over my life meant something has been a journey.
It's baffling to me how my sister is so sure that she is a (cis) girl. She is so comfortable in her feminity even tho she is only 7. I never had that feeling.
im a trans man. and I was comfortable in my femininity when i was much younger, at least i think i once did. but puberty really shifted how i saw myself and started to reevaluate a lot of things and stopped trying to live the life society wanted me to live. gender is really complicated and everyone realizes at a different time in their life, so its okay
I feel the same way about my 2 daughters. They are so comfortable with being feminine and on their own choose to wear dresses and ask for pink curtains. They even have developed their own distinct senses of style. They're 7 and 4. I rest easy because I'm careful to ask them for input on their clothing choices, hairstyles, and how their rooms are decorated. If they ever want to change how they express themselves, that's fine.
I feel that. I constantly felt like I had to accept myself for being a woman, and I even got a tattoo to celebrate when I thought I finally did that, at age 23. Now I'm almost 28 and taking steps to medically transition.
@@austin.luther my daughter really helped me figure out I'm trans. I was so uncomfortable putting dresses on her and I didn't understand why because I didn't have that issue with my son. I now realise I want to save her the pain I went through. Now that I realise I'm trans I can let go and let my kids express themselves in whatever way they feel comfortable. I still feel slightly icky calling my youngest my daughter because she hasn't explicitly told me that she's a girl. I don't really correct people either, because I can't know at this point what her actual gender is, considering she's 2 years old and doesn't fully understand gender yet (my son is 4 and has told me very clearly that he's a boy)
@@jackriver8385 I'm glad that you can live your truth. My daughters more helped me to come out. It wasn't fair to teach them to be honest and confident while denying that in myself. And, similar to your experience, it was hard to continue to deny my identity in the face of their genuine femininity. They were 5 and 2 when I came out as a trans man. My older daughter even at the time asked if she was a boy on the inside like me. I asked if she felt like one and she said that no, she felt like a girl. I told her that she's probably a girl, then. She said, "Oh, good! I like being a girl! Just like how you like being a boy!" My younger daughter has expressed a similar sentiment recently. She was Spiderman last Halloween and said (this is a 4 year old) that girls can be Spiderman because it's Spiderman instead of human. And that's everybody. A 4 year old said that.
I didn't really know what this was as a kid. I didn't realize I was trans until I was in my late 30s. I had this FEELING, this need to not be who I was, but I didn't have a name for it, mostly because I'm agender and in the 80s, 90s, and even the early 2000s and 2010s this wasn't something even on my radar. But thank god that I at least had this FEELING to recognize in my daughter when she came out, thank god I knew to make her feel safe so that when she knew she was trans at 12, she could tell us, so we could get her onto puberty blockers then, and onto estrogen now. Thank god the world eventually learned, and thank god my daughter isn't suicidal anymore. Thank god she doesn't have to live her whole damn life like I did, even if I didn't realize I was trans until WELL after she did. I can only hope the generation after hers doesn't have to deal with the constant threat of this life-saving help being taken away like we do here in Texas.
When I was 12, I got caught shaving my legs and was sat down to a lecture from my dad about my identity. I distinctly remember a moment where he asked, "I just don't understand, do you want to be a girl? Because we can make that happen." but it was delivered with such fear and pain and what sounded like anger that I, after a pause, said "no, I lost a bet." I revisit this moment all the time in my head as a pivotal one, even though I know deep down that the path I ended up taking was the right one for me. I also found great strength from Dr. Conway's site in the late 90s and throughout the early 2000s. Thank you for your video, it was very meaningful for me. ❤️ From Seattle.
my dysphoria was sneaky as a kid. it manifested for years as intense self hatred, so i never realised that i was trans up until quite recently. ‘oh i can’t be trans i don’t have gender dysphoria!’ - that kind of stuff. i remember the day that i realised HUH i’m not cis was just a relief for me. since then, even though i can’t medically transition yet, i’ve just been so much more comfortable in myself, being myself. it makes me so angry when terfs act the way they do to ‘protect the children’. i’m a kid and i’ve never felt as happy, as confident, and as comfortable now that i’m out and proud as trans.
me too. i remember being so angry and jealous of trans men. i knew i hated myself but didn't know why until one day it all came crashing down on me like a tsunami...
the reason terfs say we need to protect the children is because had we done so, a lot of young people wouldn't have ended up sterile and in worst cases, with a permanently open wound between their legs. children should be raised to see their bodies as perfect the way they are, and not as something to mutilate if youre uncomfortable with it, especially regarding something as innate and deeply rooted as gender.
I had never even met another trans person till I was 16, I was carrying around this feeling in my chest that I was just a visitor in my own body. It hurts so much to think about how I missed out on a childhood that I should have had, it makes me angry to think about. It feels like something has been taken from me.
That bit where you’re like, “I don’t want to be more lonely and bullied more,” hit me in my autistic nonbinary heart. Being neurodivergent + trans is a difficult path to navigate; those identities intersect in interesting ways, but also make those who have them glowing targets. You’re a goddamn rockstar, Jessie🌟
First off: I love ya Jess. Second: it's revelations like this that make absolutely despise transphobes and TERFs. I try to empathise as much as possible, but I have no idea what it's like to not feel at home in your own body. Something that most people take for granted. I hate that trans people have to fight to be just acknowledged, let alone to be respected as an equal, vital, beautiful person. I dunno. I had suicidal ideation a while ago due to constant, severe physical pain, but I had lots of understanding and support to get me through it. People find it easier to understand physical pain.
Puberty sucks! It's worse when the "natural process of things" is everything but natural for the person experiencing it. I'm not trans and cannot fathom puberty knowing I was in the wrong body. I loathed puberty (and still despise my female body parts) but I'm nonbinary (probably closer to agender if I really think about labels). I wanted to dress like the guys, play with the guys, but never wanted to be a guy. The world would be a much nicer place if adults just let kids be who they are rather than what the adults want them to be. Those kids would grow up more accepting of others and less judgmental assholes. Every single person knows who they are at any given moment in time--it's society that prevents them from being that. We're getting there though. Slowly but surely.
I'm nonbinary, and I do identify as trans. Even if I decide not to alter my body, my gender still doesn't match the one I was assigned at birth. Dysphoria is still dysphoria, even if you're not ftm or mtf.
I learnt fairly early on it was a crime punishable by death to be different in the school playground. Am autistic. I knew even back in 1979 that I was different. Course back then autism wasn't widely known or understood. The schools I was at just thought I was slow and had learning problems. You learn to mask pretty quickly. It is a matter of survival.
The intense vulnerability of sitting in your bathtub with you-I can’t even put into words how much I appreciate that you’d bring this internet stranger to such an intimate, heartfelt place. I don’t know where I fit into the gender framework, but I definitely feel a lot of what you talked about re puberty and the monster of a changing body, albeit from a different direction.
I am going through male puberty and it is the most traumatising thing i have ever experienced. Everyday i wake up look in the mirror see the small changes in my body. It feels like my body is slowing drifting away from my sense of reality. I feel like i am going to be a manly man and never be able to be feminine because i will be made fun of😔😭
I'm not living with a body that has masculine features I can't believe this has been allowed to happen doctors should have seen the torture that was happening it is the fact there are hidden features that are masculine I only live in a body that is strictly feminine and no masculine features i cannot believe the opposite has happened it wont get better because once male puberty begins it is over i refuse to have a male body i will not be trapped in a body that is masculine and doesn't meet my hyperfeminine standards i wont live much longer i don't have many suicide options apart from dehydration nothing that anyone will say will convince me to live with a masculine features and a Y chromosome it should take me a few days to a week to die slowly and painfully but not as painfully as being born a gender that i don't want to be doctors need to realise that puberty is butchering if it is the wrong one and i cant be expected to live in a body i hate.
I once invited my 'friends' to my birthday party and none of them turned up. Not even a note put through the door saying they couldn't make it. I was just 10 or so at the time. Made me realise how alone I really was.
Welp, I'M doing "think of the children." It drives me to distraction to think about trans kids having their lives forever changed because adults are too scared and disgusted to learn about us. I came out at 14, but puberty blockers were barely used back then and my family rejected me, threatened to kick me out, told me I'd be a monster and unloved, would not let me transition. I could have avoided years of humiliation, watching my body slowly deform, and reconstructive surgery. I started physical transition the month I turned 18, but my adolescence had already been thrown in the trash, and like Jessie, I have physical and mental scars from having to go through that. I'm 30 and it still fucks me up. I would like this to never, ever happen to other kids. With the medical research we have on this already, with the medical resources we have at hand, it's inhumane. Cis children can consent to puberty blockers for hormonal problems. Trans and NB children should be able to as well.
A bit of levity for this tough topic: my 5 year old is AMAB with two AFAB parents. He notices the differences and asks all sorts of insightful and sometimes funny questions about bodies. I'm a scientist and explain everything as accurate as I can with age appropriateness being a distant second to accuracy. This can create humourous halfunderstandings like yesterday when he asked "Mommy next time when you have puberty can you show me the egg?" 🤔
OK, what are AMAB and AFAB? I don't think I've ever seen those before. M and F, I can guess are male and female, but B, biological? I just can't figure out the A's there, and it's probably simple. Anatomically? As? Asexual / Aromantic / Agender don't seem to fit. Question from the front row? That little guy may be thinking it's like a chicken egg too, instead of a little cell.All those questions and the whole process is so mysterious when you're growing up. Being a little kid and later being a teen is so tough. It's a wonder we make it through our teens. :)
Just, thank you. I'm a cis white privelaged man, hearing the reality of what you experienced helps me to hopefully be more understanding to those that experience things differently to myself. The only quirky thing about me is that I am Bi, but even then at 21 I found my Mrs and never had to "test" those thoughts. I lost my Mum on Sunday to covid, I never told her I was bi, but she always said if any of her kids said they were gay she would still love them, Now I wonder what it would have meant to me to actually say it out loud to her. Sorry, I made a personaly story of yours about me. I am so glad you have become the woman you always wanted to be. Frankly stunning as you have said on a few occasions now.
Thank you for making this. Everything about this hit rather close to home. I'm 14, British and genderfluid. Everything that has gone on in the UK recently has made me so frightened, scared of everyone around me. My dysphoria is actively ruining my day to day life and the fact that people are actively taking away help while spreading misinformation and hatred is defiantly not helping. I love your videos so much. It's content like yours that gives me hope that there's a light at the tunnel and encourages me too keep being me in every small way I can. May you live long and prosper.
As a cis ally to trans and non-binary people, videos like this are very valuable for understanding how it actually feels to be trans. Seeing your humanity, your pain, makes me want to be ready to help in any way I can. I am floored by how honest you were about such a pivotal private moment. I know you didn't make this video for cis people, but thank you for being willing to display such deep emotions to a public crowd. This whole video is a teaching moment in so many ways. I hope it reaches the right people, especially young people. Again, thank you for putting yourself out there. You rock!
I didn't have the luxury of growing up understanding what being transgendered was. All I knew was that "something" was wrong with me. I was attracted to girls like any other boy, but there was also the feeling that I was what I was supposed to be. Regrettably it wasn't until I was on my own that I could anything about it.
Same here. I always liked girls but felt that I was supposed to have a female body myself. I didn't come out as trans until two years ago and started transitioning last August.
Me too, just reversed. I liked boys like a girl is expected to, but inhaled fanfiction that were basically gay romance novels. I tried to write it off as they were just better written, but even then I knew that wasn't right. I had no idea why I identified with gay male characters, why that was how I self-inserted myself into my favorite fantasy universes. In retrospect, it's obvious. It's because I'm a gay man. But I didn't know that was possible, so I just thought I was perverted and didn't tell anyone.
This is definitely closer to my experience as well. I knew *something* was wrong but I blamed it on my weight and other physical features before I started reading about trans issues and identities and it all clicked. And even then it took years before I was able to see a doctor about it and really start transitioning.
I am still going through my 2nd puberty (14 months on E), and I'm currently seeing myself for the first time ever. I know the feelings of crying, and crying and feeling alien in my own skin. But it's looking bright.. and thank you for the video. All I know is that kid who would put on their sister's clothes late at night can finally be happy with themselves..
"The manliest man I was supposed to be..." I feel like that's a trans experience for real. I tried soooo hard to be manly, but it was just a facade. I think we sometimes try so hard to fit in.
It has got to be tough to grow up trans. I know what I felt like growing up gay but so completely unprepared for that, while still having all those feelings, getting bullied, fumbled anything, needing more positive experiences. What a huge difference it could have made to have gay friends to talk to or even try things with. And back then, there was no web handy with information or with people's personal experiences, or gay fiction. Having heard Jackson Bird talk about navigating trans feelings growing up and coming out, that was so relatable for me as a gay, cis guy. (Gay boys can have some dysphoria or get misgendered too.) So I will be very interested to watch this video when it comes out. Hugs, everyone.
I remember that somewhere around 11 or 12, I started to develop depression. I never knew why either, it just kinda showed up one day. I hated myself, I felt almost completely numb. I always hated when my mom and dad asked me what was wrong because I could never explain why. They were frustrated with me too. I even thought I looked weird in the mirror, I couldn't tell if I looked liked a boy or a girl. Up until recently I'm lucky enough to cut my hair short and have accepting parents. And although I still struggle with depression and how weirdly I look in the mirror, I'm eternally grateful for being able to find out about what being trans means and learning about the issues surrounding that. Thank you Jessie, for helping me figure myself out. And I hope things get better for you too owo👍
Ah, that doctor's office, and that checklist. I know them well. My monster was different, as I am cis, but that desperately wanting to check a box and not being able to - that I know. Spot on, madam. Such heartfelt, compassionate, intimate sharing will resonate with many. Well done.
Wow, that was raw. I cried watching this video, just wanted to reach into the past and tell you that it will get better. I'm in the UK and think everyone against puberty blockers should have to watch this video. I don't know as it will make a difference, but have to tell you Jessie that your shoulders are beautiful. Also, you're amazing, I'm a huge Star Trek nerd too and I love that about you. I hope your monster knows it's beat.
I didn't even know that trans was an option growing up. I expressed the want of being female and was rejected early on. That led me to hate societal traditionalisms and to express myself anonymously as a girl online for escapism. For me it was hard to see the bigger picture because of rejection > shame > repression > over compensation came up for each occurrence of gender in-congruence. If society was different then things would have been different. I hid myself for my own survival, I hid so well that I forgot who I was.
id mostly just detached myself from my body. i learned of all these changes that would happen to me, and just knew it was wrong. i wanted a different option, but just buried those feelings down, leaving my demons to autopilot my body and not protest it’s growth. i let things happen without letting my true self protest, and i used any excuse to dismiss my feelings about this. even when i looked more into people like me, there was a wall of people talking about such strong agony without much description of why, and huge emphasis on people “faking” these feelings for attention. where i thought i would find answers to my feelings, i found more walls pushing me out. i kept going like this, until finally i cracked in March of this year. i couldnt stand being buried in my mind; i made myself known, and i wrestled control away from my demons over that time. i took back my body, much to my horror it had changed in ways i didn’t appreciate, but at least i owned it, and could make the right steps towards fixing it
I wish that box had existed on the health surveys I had to fill out when I was 14. The concept of a child or teenager struggling with their own gender identity was unheard of in most of society. I had no access at all to any websites, pamphlets, or support groups to help me figure out why I didn't feel comfortable in my own body. Why I hated even seeing myself in the mirror. Why I was always drawn towards the feminine and why even my own inner conscience seemed female. When the internet became commonplace and information on trans identities became more available, I still couldn't access it. Anything with the word "transgender" in it was labeled as pornography and was blocked on navy networks. Had that checkbox existed and I the courage to check that box, I might not have been able to serve in the navy, but my life would no doubt be much different.
I watched this recently. Im 36 , started hrt at 35. Going to do surgeries. Everything really. This video it made me cry. I love your videos jessie. My memories of puberty and ny 20s were of i fell into a depression when puberty hit. Always struggled with sex and dating. Struggled with my gender and my sexuality. But i didnt know trans people existed . I found the teenage years hard but couldnt put words to how i was feeling So i repressed it. But until i finally accepted this it always came back and stronger until i was crossdressing all the time. I think thats important sometimes trans people don't kmow we re trans. But we know something is badly wrong. Thats what the right forces want. Repression so people dont know themselves. But repression doesnt work
on the one hand, I wish I had met more trans people growing up. on the other hand, I don't know how that would've changed my life. I can't imagine my mom would be to pleased with me bringing a friend over and saying "they're a girl, but they're actually a boy.". If theres one thing I am glad for, its that I learned about trans people in a way that I could see through my own lens. nobody but me got to judge the people. adn that judgement of trans people, is that their people. no more deserving of respect then anyone else. its a shame that hate is something parents might teach their kids, but I'm glad its not something that I did end up learning.
I have a theory that parents don't teach their kids to hate, they just show their hateful kids what to target. Hating "the other" is a natural human response and parents/society/culture teach who "the other" is.
You have come so very far. You are an amazing person. I am sorry that you have had to live through this. Hopefully this reaches people that need it. I think about it a lot. Probably way too much. I knew early on but I grew up in a conservative christian environment that kept me in the closet. I finally tried to come out at 14 but had all of my fears confirmed and I went back into the closet. I did not break free of enough of the childhood indoctrination to accept myself and transition until I was close to my 29th birthday. I was so close to not being wrecked by the wrong puberty. I never really learned to love myself but at least I eventually was able to perform some acts of self love to come out and live freely. I am very glad that things are moving forward so that fewer will have to experience repression to this degree.
Thank you, as ever, for sharing so deeply of yourself. I hope that some people have their hearts turned by your words, and that we can help all kids affected in this way. For me, I didn’t have words about dysphoria, and my fairly sheltered and strict upbringing meant I couldn’t even consider whether I might be trans or not. It took me to my mid thirties (and meeting some lovely trans folk) to understand. I too deeply regret the lost time, and sometimes it can make me bitter, but I’m looking forward to the future in a way I never have before. - Tara (she/her).
Jessie, I think I could fill a whole essay or video script with my responses on this. My experience growing up (cis) and gay (and handicapped) was very different, my experiences of puberty were very different, and yet, there is a lot in common there in the confusion and worry, the need for people to talk to, support, and the worry over carrying around a secret that most of society does not think is OK and doesn't understand. So many personal, private memories about that, but things in them that are similar to what you said. If only society (family, friends, school, church, etc., etc.) and media messages didn't make it so bad to be non-straight, even a little. The worry that even the people we like and love the most won't be OK with us, the need for support and information, the deep feelings inside -- I wish other people could understand what that is really like, instead of all the phobia. I think back to standing up and speaking out for friends who were rumored to be gay. I didn't know if they were, but they were my friends, or classmates I didn't know, or other years. -- What if we could learn about LGBTQIA+ things in school? And at home, and with friends growing up, without it being a problem or a fear or taboo? -- I wonder, if there had been a time machine and we'd known each other, would we have understood each other? Too different? Or maybe a recognition of someone like us going through the same kinds of stuff, sort of? I would've been puzzled by a boy who was trans, who wanted to be a girl. Yet I would've also understood other things about that. And if you'd seen the late 70's and all the 80/s as a teen and young adult, wow, it was a mess. I hope this video helps trans folks and potential allies and LGBTQIA+ folks to understand. It's so needed.
In my state it costs many hundreds of dollars to get a name change, let alone what it takes to get hormone replacement therapy. Our BIPOC siblings in our communities are having to deal with massive inequities. We need to band together to make sure our siblings of other mothers can make the changes we have made.
The irreversible damage, waw great nod, you are amazing and, as a teenage trans gal, I would kill to have seen this at 14. All your videos are wonderful and sooo helpful, thank you so much for your work, go jessie !!
This video came out a couple days after I started T! Tomorrow marks my first week and I'm already actually feeling the changes, it's not going to ever undue my puberty but it's the start of my second one that will maybe rewrite the mistakes the first one put on me. I can feel it starting and I never expected it to feel so... Right. Or even be able to feel anything within a WEEK. First thing I noticed is emotional changes. Nothing extreme but they felt more vivid, and a bit more temperamental. A bit more aggressive and willing to confront others then usual but not in a cruel way just, a bit angrier. My voice hasn't started cracking but it feels on the edge, not deeper yet but raspier, a bit more strained. It is so slight I don't think anyone else would notice but the hair on my face and chest is darker in these tiny patches. Bottom growth hasn't fully started but of man there's definitely something happening down there and idk how to feel about it but it's certainly a thing! I've had more wet dreams this past week then I've had overall in my life. Still identity as ace or demi but man Loki is kinda cute.
The line of "No i have to be a strong man" and that. That hit hard. That was exactly what i yelled at myself in the mirror. That's what i had to burst out while fighting back tears as my ex held me and told me it's okay. No one except us know exactly how hard this battle is and anyone who thinks we trivialize the decisions, need to watch your video to actually be able to sympathize
Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable, Jessie ❤ I'm so sorry for the pain that you had to go through. You're doing amazing work, and I hope that this video will have the ability to change a few minds
Damn, I'm bawling my eyes out. My experience as a trans woman played out a little different in terms of the order of events and timeline of realizations, but "the monster" is something I've battled for over half my life, thinking that monster was all I could be a huge majority of that time. It almost caused me to end my life from the mental anguish of the fight multiple times and has left my mind permanently scarred as a result, but finally having the hormones and knowledge to level the playing field has helped immensely in the last few years. After hearing about your experience, it feels so validating to know I wasn't alone in my long time of suffering and despair and that other trans people have learned to overcome and control it, even if the pain of having been denied for so long will never fully leave. Thank you for making this video, it was exactly what I needed to hear and I'm so glad this video is out there for those who still are struggling to keep "the monster" in check to this day. Trans rights!
It was too horrible for me to ever quite put into words. I hope you are in a better place now Jessie and thank you so much for willingly recounting your traumatic experience so that others may learn from it.
I was bullied for being Different too& for my love for anime&Animal planet & video gamgames over football like those in my school growing up Jessie. 😥😓💖
Wow, this is just amazing. You have managed to so eloquently describe feelings and experiences that I struggled to explain to people when growing up, and I want to thank you for that. I'm planning to come out to my family as a transman in the next year or so, and this video is definitely going to be on the list of resources I plan to provide them to help build understanding!
I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wish I could erase ever having gone through male puberty! I've never TRULY been happy since 1991! One coping way is I'm writing a self-insert story about in which I had gotten puberty blockers
Oh man, rewriting your own story sounds cathartic. I might do something similar... Not for publishing, but as a creative journaling exercise. This makes me think of something funny, though! I didn't FULLY recognize that I was nonbinary transmasculine until this year [at 29], yet... Every time I've ever started a fictional piece, my protagonist was always male. And, if the aesthetic options are good, most of my player characters in games were male. I always got asked about why I did that... Welp, guess I know now!! Hahahah
I'm not living with a body that has masculine features I can't believe this has been allowed to happen doctors should have seen the torture that was happening it is the fact there are hidden features that are masculine I only live in a body that is strictly feminine and no masculine features i cannot believe the opposite has happened it wont get better because once male puberty begins it is over i refuse to have a male body i will not be trapped in a body that is masculine and doesn't meet my hyperfeminine standards i wont live much longer i don't have many suicide options apart from dehydration nothing that anyone will say will convince me to live with a masculine features and a Y chromosome it should take me a few days to a week to die slowly and painfully but not as painfully as being born a gender that i don't want to be doctors need to realise that puberty is butchering if it is the wrong one and i cant be expected to live in a body i hate.
Glad you're telling the truth. I have the impression cis people generally don't realize that it's horrible to go through the wrong puberty when you're trans and did not have the chance to take blockers before puberty, and especially when you're a trans girl. It's extremely extremely traumatizing. It's horrible. I don't have words to describe this!
I’ve always remembered feeling so disconnected from my body, was never able to picture my own face very well or imagine what I would look like when I grew up, never truly recognized myself in the mirror, until about 6 months ago (at age 25) when I finally put the pieces together and realized I’m a trans man, and then truly 4 months ago when I started T. I never thought I would feel at home in my body, and it’s still a struggle some days with dysphoria rearing it’s ugly head, but I’m so much happier now and I can actually picture a future for myself. I’m exciting about life for the first time… ever. Thank you for sharing your story, Jessie. You and other trans content creators truly helped me, and I’m sure many others, along my journey of self discovery.
jessie you made me cry!! this is so beautiful and you’re so good at articulating that feeling. i’ve never even felt this way but this video is so impactful. i hope so many young trans people see this and are able to feel understood
Me: Hey, my puperty wasn't that bad. I was fiiine! Also me: Trans thoughts first manifest in early puberty, then are forgotten/pushed aside. Rest of puberty is largely spent on being miserable, grumpy and not interacting with people. (okay I had a few friends in high school...that I didn't make until third year because I was too busy being grumpy and hiding from people)
Mood, I was maybe 12 when I first started playing with gender presentation, and I was like ‘Hey this is pretty neat! ...*BUT IM NOT TRANS*’ I got further along in my life and I was beginning to think ‘Man it’d be nice if people stopped pestering me to wear makeup and be more like a girl... But I’m perfectly happy being a girl! Every girl struggles with her body haha!’ And now here I sit, 20 years old and I perfectly understand now that I’m not a girl at all. I just shoved all those feelings aside completely, and oh wow I wish I didn’t do that
Thank you so much for sharing your story with such honest vulnerability. I’m nonbinary and AFAB so my inner monster has different things to say when it rears its ugly head, but I relate to a lot of what you went through and where I can’t relate I can empathize. I’m not alone in that either. Reading the comments and seeing so many people expressing gratitude to you or sharing their own stories gives me so much hope. This is such a supportive, fun, nerdy community you’ve created and I’m so grateful for it! 🖖🏳️⚧️
I'm going to finish this video later, some of this things hit to close to home. Jessi you are an wonderful person and thank you so much for putting yourself out there and talking about this things, It's really important and nice that you do. Sorry for being to emotional right now, I'll finish the video later, love you and I'm glad you are doing better now, live long and prosper you wonderful being 🖖🏻
going through your assigned puberty as someone with gender dysphoria is like staring at yourself through a funhouse mirror that only gets more and more distorted as time rages on and then looking around and seeing that everyone elses mirrors are becoming *less* warped
Beautiful, raw, poignant, honest, and tremendously powerful vid Jessie. I would say your monster and my monster are intersectional buddies for sure! So I sing for you: Every Moment A Crossroads, Every Breath A Choice. Can't change the past but you are using your voice. For a better tomorrow, a better today. (All the monsters really want is love anyway.) The Crossroads we miss can haunt us and daunt us. Yet Crossroads of Right Now will also still taunt us. I try to hug my demons head on, keep em in front of me, that way no surprises when they are feeling tricksy. 🌈❤🧡💛💚💙💜🌟🌟🌟🌟🌈👊🏼💥🫂
I am not a trans person (and besides my English is quite poor) but you need to know your videos are very helpful for cis people to understand what you're going through. Thank you so much for sharing. You made me a little less stupid person (for a while it was difficult for me to understand why trans topics were related to -left- politics, now I do, so I can't thank you enough for that). PD: love the Loki costumes.
I'm also trans and I had a much different experience with puberty. During the early days of my pubescent years I didn't know that being trans was a real thing and I was basically gaslit by society into thinking I was okay with my body. However as I got into high school I started to feel as if I was simply living in the body of someone who didn't exist while everybody around me believed him to be me. Once I started to medically transition it felt like my body was slowly being returned to me. Now days I'm late into my transition and although I do have some amount of gender dysphoria it's heavily outweighed by my euphoria.
It's stories like this that make it very hard for me to understand the people who try to claim that trans people don't belong in the LGBT community. Yes, there are obvious differences between sexual minorities and gender minorities, but the thing that connects all of us is a shared pain. I'll never know the nightmare of what it's like to be horrified by how your body is changing in ways you don't want it to, but that feeling of being distanced from others; the pain of knowing that there's something different about you and thinking it makes you a monster; the absolute terror of your friends and family rejecting you for who you are. That I do know. That I do understand. As you were telling your story I could hear the pain in your voice and it echoes my own. It's that shared pain and a common goal to improve the world so that future generations will be spared that pain is what unites us. That's something so much deeper and important than any of the superficial differences between any of us.
I’m transitioning more for euphoria than dysphoria, but yeah, this whole ‘second puberty’ thing is pretty terrible, 0/10. I’m still happy I’m going through with it. Only regret is that I wish I didn’t wait until my 30’s to start lol.
I rarely leave comments on videos, much less really old videos, but Jessie you just keep compelling me to say something. And I have to say here I never thought I would hear so much of my own story out of some one else's mouth. You had me crying as I remembered things I had tried to forget. Right down to the gosh darn freaking bathroom. Thank you ... thank you. I'm pretty sure that you know why I'm thanking you. In my personal case, if I had transitioned earlier in life (like I desperately wish I had) I would likely die from cancer not long from now. But to finally see reflected back from that mirror an image I can actually say is me ... the term "life changing" doesn't even come close. Thank you so much for writing such an elegant script to describe it.💞 I'm glad that through Patreon I'm able to help you in some small way to keep following this passion you have. Because what that creates is beautiful!
The amount to which I relate to this story is terrifying. I specifically remember talking to my doctor last year about getting a gender therapist and then not telling my parents because I was too afraid to. Then I went through the worst year of my life and this year I don't care how mad my parents get I'm GOING to go to therapy, I'm GOING to start blockers and estrogen, and NO ONE is going to stop me!
So moving/ you’re story is deep and relatable to most of us- but with an extra frightening aspect❤️ so glad you’re feeling like yourself now, don’t look back too much- and keep moving forward, know that the past is a burden for so many❣️ You are a beautiful person Jessie, lots of love and admiration 🥰
I found puberty stressful enough as a cisgendered male. I can't imagine what it would be like to experience it in a body that didn't match my true gender. Such a personal video like this really gives a great insight to what transgender people go through and the hardships they face.
Just because a kid starts out in life a certain gender physically, doesn't mean they should spend the whole of thier adulthood trapped in a body they dont feel comfortable or connected to. Besides which as kids girls and boys bodies are identical, it's the thing between our legs that seperates us, which until puberty does not fully develop anyways. It's just a thing to pee out of only. I believe in puberty blockers, if a child requires them. It can alter the course of that childs adult life for the better. So why not I say.
This was beautifully raw and difficult to tackle. You've done such a good job presenting your experience and in a validating way for other people, such as myself who are in the midst of questioning all things gender. The bath is also a great setting for any deeply emotional topic.
Sharing your story is important (and brought tear to my eyes). Some people think that feeling aren't important and we should look at facts. But we connect to other with emotions, empathy is the most powerful emotion and we should encourage it. Even if I will never feel or know what you live, but I can understand your feeling. I am glad you feel better and glad that you are ready to share your experience for other.
You move so effortlessly between the personal and the political that I am in awe! Of course, they are often the same thing. Thank you again for the fire and the balm of your activism! Love and respect! :)
I can relate to crying in the shower every day from age 10 thru my 30s while looking at my body and being unable to change anything felt like I was in a flesh cage. I'm happy I stuck around, but I also wish I could've done something earlier then 26 years later at 36. I agree 1,000% adults with selfish agendas and manipulative tactics for their ignorant views are hurting and killing innocent people like it has for many years. Its way past time for this to change. Love you Jess! Your beautiful!
I usually don‘t write comments but thank you so so much for that video. I‘m an enby and for most of the time shoved my discomfort with my puberty and my body deep down inside of me. I‘m still figuring out how I want to transion. But hearing someone else talking so openly about their puberty and their memories choosing a path at a crossroad section is helping me a bit with coming to terms with my own experiences. Again, thank you. :)
This was such an impactful video, it was beautiful, Jessie. You are a great writer, and great actress, the way you told your story, I felt it, even though I never went through it. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing, especially in such an artful way! At a certain point, you talk about finding a website, and feeling a sense of community for the first time. And now, here you are, creating community for kids like you used to be. It is profound to me, I wonder how you feel about it?
Thank you for sharing this. You express a powerful message. I'm a cis-gender man that has wanted to understand better what trans people have to go through in their lives. This video gives me a much better understanding about the extremely painful and difficult experiences which trans people have to face and deal with growing up and how that affects them as adults. I was not raised in a family or had friends that were LBGTQ+ friendly when I was growing up. I was born in 1970 - not a very supportive time in general in my youth. But past the age 22, my friend groups changed a great deal and I was fortunate enough to be friends with people that were LBGTQ+ supportive and a few of these groups had LBGTQ+ people in them. So I started learning a little bit. But not much. I harbored mixed emotions due to my upbringing. But I was a nerdy, too smart and too weird and that meant that I was bullied a fair bit also. But I'm pretty sure that you likely had it worse. Especially with what you were dealing with on the inside. I'm sorry that growing was so very painful for you. For me a lot of time has gone by. The idea of fairness and justice in how all people are treated developed deeply in me. I am a very Lefty Left Liberal. I live close to Washington, DC. where there is a large population of the LGBTQ+ community. In that area, I am a part of a large gaming group of uber-nerds and at least a quarter of our group are a part of the LBGTQ+ community and most of them in our group are trans. We have a group that is very inclusive. Being with trans and other LBGTQ+ and creating friendships with them has helped me understand a lot and has deeply enriched my life. Your video here has given me answers to some of the questions I've wanted to ask, but have been reluctant to now because twice when I've brought it up, each with a different friend, they said that it was too painful. I totally get that. So you message covered a lot of that. Thank you for that. On a slightly different note, one of my trans friends, who is very much in my Best Friends group, seems to have a very similar background to you. At times, she will briefly talk about events or aspects of her teen years. She's an Uber-Nerd - The Queen of her Nerdom Hill. She's into Sci-Fi and Fantasy. She was an Eagle Scout. She tried to be more masculine in her teens. She had a family that was not and still is not very receptive to her transgender existence. And she is one of my best and dearest friends. I would not be the person with better understanding and empathy than I had, if she had not been my friend. Thank you again for talking about this difficult and painful period of your life. I found out about this and your Jessie Gender After Dark Channel through your interactions on Steve Shives Star Trek Channel.
Not to undermine your more large scale and high end videos, which are absolutely fantastic, but I think this is easily your best video and your best script. At least, it is to me. Outstanding work, Miss Gender!
I am proud of your strength. Thank you for sharing like this. This must mean a lot to so many people to hear. I always love your channel. You always explain/discuss topics so well. You are awesome!
This rang so true for me. Unfortunately I wasn't able to realize what was really wrong with me till I was around 18, but I understand and can relate to the feelings and the pain that you felt growing up. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing this.
Thank you for putting the time and emotional energy into doing this. It was hard to watch because many parts hit close to home. It had to be even harder to go through your own past, string it together this cohesively, and be vulnerable enough to tell it, especially on the internet. This was really meaningful both in terms of content and effort and I hope it reaches as large of an audience as it deserves and they’re willing to listen.
Good for you for being so open about your past. I have PTSD from being bullied in 5th grade and also I have trauma from having an abusive step-dad. It's HARD to talk about this shit in a public forum. You're being brave!
Thank you for sharing your story! I am a late bloomer, realized I'm trans later in life and am coping with a lot of those irreversible changes... possibly reverting some of those that were thought to be irreversible. Your story and so many others demonstrate why one would expect there to be more visible trans people as acceptance grows, rather than what transphobes call an "epidemic" of children being "forcibly transed", as if getting access to transition therapy or even hormone blockers isn't still, to this day, very difficult and arduous. The difficulty of, in my case, even realizing I am trans and in your case, of asking for help even though you knew, never mind all the procedural and other difficulties in accessing therapy options - means there is no wonder we see more trans people as awareness of trans people grows - because more people have the tools to understand their feelings if they have them and more people consider the prospect of asking for help. I just hope that as time goes by our voices of acceptance will win over the voices of bigotry. While your story was very personal, I think it also contributes to that struggle.
I was raised in a rich white all boys conservative religious school. I was an innocent kid and the school had so thoroughly hidden all mentions of anything lgbt+ that I didn’t even know it 1. existed and 2. was “bad”. When I figured out I was bisexual at the young age of 11, I came out all willynilly to my friends. That did not go well. Suffice to say I did not do any more types of coming out. I never hid my sexuality, mainly out of spite, but I never looked further into myself. I thought that the monster described in this video was just self hate given to me by the people surrounding me. I didn’t even know transgender was a thing until I was 18. And it clicked for me in the very last week of my schooling and suddenly everything made sense. Now while I’m beginning my path to transition, it hasn’t been easy and one of the biggest challenges is coming to terms with the fact that I will never get to know what my childhood would’ve been like had I known sooner, had I been given the chance to be myself and given the chance to change schools due to my newfound gender. I’ll never know how much better it could’ve been. This video was beautiful Jessie, thank you for sharing your story. It means more than I can put into words here.
I'm out as a transwoman since maybe 1 month. I want to thank you. today was a day of self doubt, and your video helped a lot. sincerely, thank you for sharing your experience, it means so freaking much.
I have a friend that is transitioning, and you have no idea how much happier they are now than they were when I first met them. Granted, this is very recent for them, but I feel like they open up a lot more about themselves now instead of being so reserved. A little bit of support goes a long way. I also want to say that I don't remember how I found your UA-cam channel. I think you might have been talking about feminism in a few of your videos and I stayed for your lovely personality. I've been following you since before covid and so watching your subscriber count go up has just been a treat. 💕
I remember there was the “it gets better” campaign for gay kids when I was younger and I always remember thinking “not for trans people”. Life has gotten better but I relive the experience of those traumatic times every day of my life.
For so many kids, “it gets better” is a lie.
@@ivorjawa ikr? I disdain that phrase with a passion, so ignorant and blissfully unaware.
I was an adult and either out or coming out when that "It gets better" thing hit. Other gay folks praised it. To me, it felt more like a half-truth, because of what I'd been through in my own body and my own head, and what others had been like to me, including some of the gay male community online. (I was either too gay or not gay enough or not "something" enough or too "something" for them.) Hah. -- And yes, for too many kids, telling them "it gets better" feels like a lie or a half-truth. It can get better, but there is still a struggle in life, because much of society just doesn't accept people being not straight. It's somewhat better now; more people are more accepting, especially younger folks. But I still hear homophobic slurs, not always at me but in general, and adults and kids still do that, verbal or physical hassling each other, bad jokes, and so on, calling someone gay/queer, even if they are not. People still get hurt or their lives are interfered with or they are made to feel bad for being perceived as, or actually different. -- We need something better, more truthful, to let people know that, despite all the crap they are going through now, they can have better lives and be happy, but it's also true they'll still face some crap for being LGBT. Gotta push through it, rise above it, walk around it. I know I still feel affected by this, but I'm also still here and still trying, and I still want that better world. I may seem sour about it, I do have stuff to get past, but mostly, I still have my life, my viewpoint on the world. We all get through life somehow. And I hate that some people get so overwhelmed that they give up or hurt themselves. I do understand those feelings. I've felt like that too. (Heck, I'm battling with stuff now without much local support.) But that's why it's so needed and why all of us are needed. I would always want someone to find a reason to live, to keep looking for people to love them and talk with and live life. That's a more meaningful form of it gets better, I think, but I want some better way to let people know, and my thoughts on it aren't sufficient. ... And yeah, sometimes I need that support too. We all do.
It gets better just kind of felt like one of those things that’s supposed to speak to those thinking of self-harm or suicide, without enough consideration of the contexts that make them feel that’s their only option. They just went, ‘Oh, queer kids feel isolated and like there’s no future for them so seeing people like them and that they have a future should help,’ but not every kid is going to relate to that or have an opportunity to reach the kind of futures they were showing. I almost feel like it needed another part like ‘Straight people be better’ or ‘We can make it better together,’ which are still a little simplistic but at least provide active things that can help rather than hoping for a future that may never come to an individual personally.
You deserve to not feel bad about yourself. You are not a mistake. Please if you have not, seek a professionals help. Their compassion will provide a respite from your daily grind.
I was “okay” with being a girl. It felt like I was portraying a character in a play, with voices and costumes to put on and reinforce that I was the girl I’d been cast as. I wanted to do a good job, and I felt some pride in so thoroughly becoming her. It wasn’t until I realized that I’d be up on that stage forever if I didn’t do something about it that I started to break down, and finally come to realize who I really am.
This is where I am now, at 29 years old. My first binder is coming in the mail & I came out to my partner & 4 closest friends just a few months ago. It's been so intimidating that I have waffled for the last year about whether I'm simply making a big deal out of nothing, but... I've finally reached a point where I'm not questioning myself every minute of the day. I'm going to take the plunge to discover myself.
* Ah!!!!! I'm the same way!!!! I didn't even know that not feeling connected to your body and not seeing yourself in the mirror wasn't normal until, like, a year ago. And I've known that I'm not cis for six years now!!! Being a boy feels good. I didn't even know that that's how being yourself is *supposed* to feel. It's very scary, but I don't want to give it up!!!!
That's where I'd landed after a hellish puberty too. I'm also on the autistic spectrum, so "masking" was already getting to be second nature for me, and including a tolerable way to perform gender was just another part of it.
Of course, that was back before the internet existed, or there was much widespread understanding that non-binary people exist, and before resources to help people who are questioning their gender to figure things out. If I'd only had access to this information when I was 14 rather than when I was pushing 40!
I think I understand how that felt. I always wanted to make my family proud. Another issue I ran into because of the quality of my act that I have people that literally cannot imagine that I'm being honest now. If it wasn't so dangerous to come out and debilitating socially then I don't believe that would be a problem people would run into.
Yeah, For me there was a disconnect between "her" and me. I hated being in photos because I hated seeing a stranger in my memories, whenever I looked in the mirror, I was surprised, I didn't know who to expect but it wasn't her. I finally came out to myself. I now I see myself, and I've never felt so whole.
My mom saved my report cards from kindergarden on up. She gave them to me about 10 years ago. I remember the women in kindergarden being such bitches. Now I can see why. My social grades were F's, because "wants to play with the girls, will NOT stay with the boys". They thought they could beat it out of me. I was five years old for Gods' sake. It only got worse. But that is in the past. I am transitioning now, had FFS and breast augmentation 01/23/21 with body contour scheduled for last week of this October, and GRS for Feb 2, 22 and vocal surgery sometime after. Keep the vids coming Jessie, you give many strength to keep going.
Good luck on your upcoming surgeries! Wishing you well in life and those women need to learn to let kids be >:[
…. social grades? D:
@@kaitlyn__L Church run school, Beverly Farms, Taxachusetts. My dad was an aviator stationed at the U.S. Coast Guard Base Marblehead.
💐💗
Yeah I was made to sit with my own gender in elementary school since it wasn't ok for kids to have cross gender friends in the 2000s apparently, so stupid.
I have a vivid memory of a neighbor telling 5 year old me that I won't be abled to go into my kiddie pool topless for much longer. He didn't mean anything by it, he just made a comment on how quickly I was growing up, but it stuck with me, because that's the first time that I thought "I don't want that."
Fast forward 3 years and there I was asking my mom if I'll ever stop feeling bad about the changes. She said everyone feels bad about their body changing during puberty, but that I'll get used to it eventually.
It took me until I was 13 to notice that not everyone feels disgusted by heir own body. There are women who love to be women. Who don't want to hide themselves away like I did.
I kept telling myself that I was just very androgynous, that I was neither male nor female.
Then I met this kid in 7th grade... and they told me about genderfluid people, and nonbinary people and... trans people.
I tried out a bunch of different things... Went from "I think I'm a lesbian..." to "I might be gendefluid" then to "okay no, I'm pansexual..." until finally... my best friend came out as trans.
And I sat there. And I thought... and I kept thinking. And eventually, and I remember that as if it was yesterday, I thought "Shit."
It took me another year to finally say something... I told my mom and she said that there's no way I could be trans, because I'm not masculine enough. Because I don't behave like a man. Because I'll never be a man.
Still better than my father though. He told me to stop lying and when I kept insisting on it, he just... left.
...
I refused to go to school for almost 3 years and was sent from one psychiatrist to another until eventually I just coudn't take it anymore. One of them gave a me a paper to fill out... I filled it out and turned it around.
"I'm not a girl, but my mom doesn't believe me." is what I wrote on the back.
I hated that psychiatrist, but she told me that she can't help me and that I should think about staying at a psych ward.
I did. They listened. They took me seriously. They encouraged me... and they gave me another number to call...
My appointment is on the 3rd of August.
I'm 18 years old now, old enough to sign any papers I need myself. I'm fixing this. I've waited long enough.
It's hard to put yourself out there as a trans person, the hate we receive for doing so is staggering. You shouldn't have had to go through what you went through--none of should, but alongside the pain of hearing your story (and deeply identifying with it), I feel so much relief for all the young trans people who will feel seen and understood because of stories like this one. You've turned your vulnerability into something incredibly powerful to help others. Thank you for putting this out there, Jessie.
Jessie you are So valid and seen and loved
This is too real for me too. I almost died this morning and I didn't cause of this community
Ulysses says THIS NEEDS SHARING
@@kaviweaver5152 We don't know each other, but I am so happy you are still here.
I’m literally arguing with a freak right now on here who claims trans people are trans for “diversity points” and how easy it makes things.
Utterly delusional.
I know what it's like to be bullied and physically abused by classmates and even my own family. However, as a 62-year old cis-white male, I cannot begin to imagine what you went through. Jessie, all I can say is that I hope to be as strong as you are one day.
I started growing a beard at 14. My classmates kept telling me to shave, so I kept growing it out of spite. I came to like how it set me apart from others and made me seem older. For example, in my freshman year of high school, there was a junior who thought I was a senior when we first met. Back then, I often said I liked having a beard, but, in retrospect, I think I just liked how it affected others' perceptions of me. In truth, I was usually apathetic about my appearance and my body.
Now I'm 27 and almost eight months into my feminizing hormone therapy. I'm clean-shaven with shoulder-length hair, more feminine eyebrows, and breasts. And now I enjoy looking at myself in the mirror.
Anyway, thank you for another great video, Jessie.
Realizing most people don't feel apathetic towards their appearance was a bit of a realization to me. Realizing a lot of thoughts and feelings I've had over my life meant something has been a journey.
It's baffling to me how my sister is so sure that she is a (cis) girl. She is so comfortable in her feminity even tho she is only 7. I never had that feeling.
im a trans man. and I was comfortable in my femininity when i was much younger, at least i think i once did. but puberty really shifted how i saw myself and started to reevaluate a lot of things and stopped trying to live the life society wanted me to live. gender is really complicated and everyone realizes at a different time in their life, so its okay
I feel the same way about my 2 daughters. They are so comfortable with being feminine and on their own choose to wear dresses and ask for pink curtains. They even have developed their own distinct senses of style. They're 7 and 4.
I rest easy because I'm careful to ask them for input on their clothing choices, hairstyles, and how their rooms are decorated. If they ever want to change how they express themselves, that's fine.
I feel that. I constantly felt like I had to accept myself for being a woman, and I even got a tattoo to celebrate when I thought I finally did that, at age 23. Now I'm almost 28 and taking steps to medically transition.
@@austin.luther my daughter really helped me figure out I'm trans. I was so uncomfortable putting dresses on her and I didn't understand why because I didn't have that issue with my son. I now realise I want to save her the pain I went through. Now that I realise I'm trans I can let go and let my kids express themselves in whatever way they feel comfortable. I still feel slightly icky calling my youngest my daughter because she hasn't explicitly told me that she's a girl. I don't really correct people either, because I can't know at this point what her actual gender is, considering she's 2 years old and doesn't fully understand gender yet (my son is 4 and has told me very clearly that he's a boy)
@@jackriver8385 I'm glad that you can live your truth. My daughters more helped me to come out. It wasn't fair to teach them to be honest and confident while denying that in myself. And, similar to your experience, it was hard to continue to deny my identity in the face of their genuine femininity.
They were 5 and 2 when I came out as a trans man. My older daughter even at the time asked if she was a boy on the inside like me. I asked if she felt like one and she said that no, she felt like a girl. I told her that she's probably a girl, then. She said, "Oh, good! I like being a girl! Just like how you like being a boy!"
My younger daughter has expressed a similar sentiment recently. She was Spiderman last Halloween and said (this is a 4 year old) that girls can be Spiderman because it's Spiderman instead of human. And that's everybody.
A 4 year old said that.
I didn't really know what this was as a kid. I didn't realize I was trans until I was in my late 30s. I had this FEELING, this need to not be who I was, but I didn't have a name for it, mostly because I'm agender and in the 80s, 90s, and even the early 2000s and 2010s this wasn't something even on my radar. But thank god that I at least had this FEELING to recognize in my daughter when she came out, thank god I knew to make her feel safe so that when she knew she was trans at 12, she could tell us, so we could get her onto puberty blockers then, and onto estrogen now. Thank god the world eventually learned, and thank god my daughter isn't suicidal anymore. Thank god she doesn't have to live her whole damn life like I did, even if I didn't realize I was trans until WELL after she did.
I can only hope the generation after hers doesn't have to deal with the constant threat of this life-saving help being taken away like we do here in Texas.
oh
When I was 12, I got caught shaving my legs and was sat down to a lecture from my dad about my identity. I distinctly remember a moment where he asked, "I just don't understand, do you want to be a girl? Because we can make that happen." but it was delivered with such fear and pain and what sounded like anger that I, after a pause, said "no, I lost a bet." I revisit this moment all the time in my head as a pivotal one, even though I know deep down that the path I ended up taking was the right one for me.
I also found great strength from Dr. Conway's site in the late 90s and throughout the early 2000s.
Thank you for your video, it was very meaningful for me. ❤️ From Seattle.
my dysphoria was sneaky as a kid. it manifested for years as intense self hatred, so i never realised that i was trans up until quite recently. ‘oh i can’t be trans i don’t have gender dysphoria!’ - that kind of stuff. i remember the day that i realised HUH i’m not cis was just a relief for me. since then, even though i can’t medically transition yet, i’ve just been so much more comfortable in myself, being myself. it makes me so angry when terfs act the way they do to ‘protect the children’. i’m a kid and i’ve never felt as happy, as confident, and as comfortable now that i’m out and proud as trans.
me too. i remember being so angry and jealous of trans men. i knew i hated myself but didn't know why until one day it all came crashing down on me like a tsunami...
the reason terfs say we need to protect the children is because had we done so, a lot of young people wouldn't have ended up sterile and in worst cases, with a permanently open wound between their legs. children should be raised to see their bodies as perfect the way they are, and not as something to mutilate if youre uncomfortable with it, especially regarding something as innate and deeply rooted as gender.
I had never even met another trans person till I was 16, I was carrying around this feeling in my chest that I was just a visitor in my own body. It hurts so much to think about how I missed out on a childhood that I should have had, it makes me angry to think about. It feels like something has been taken from me.
I’ve never heard a more accurate statement about how I feel on the inside.
Imagine it being over a decade after your 16th birthday
That bit where you’re like, “I don’t want to be more lonely and bullied more,” hit me in my autistic nonbinary heart. Being neurodivergent + trans is a difficult path to navigate; those identities intersect in interesting ways, but also make those who have them glowing targets. You’re a goddamn rockstar, Jessie🌟
First off: I love ya Jess.
Second: it's revelations like this that make absolutely despise transphobes and TERFs.
I try to empathise as much as possible, but I have no idea what it's like to not feel at home in your own body. Something that most people take for granted.
I hate that trans people have to fight to be just acknowledged, let alone to be respected as an equal, vital, beautiful person.
I dunno.
I had suicidal ideation a while ago due to constant, severe physical pain, but I had lots of understanding and support to get me through it. People find it easier to understand physical pain.
Puberty sucks! It's worse when the "natural process of things" is everything but natural for the person experiencing it. I'm not trans and cannot fathom puberty knowing I was in the wrong body. I loathed puberty (and still despise my female body parts) but I'm nonbinary (probably closer to agender if I really think about labels). I wanted to dress like the guys, play with the guys, but never wanted to be a guy. The world would be a much nicer place if adults just let kids be who they are rather than what the adults want them to be. Those kids would grow up more accepting of others and less judgmental assholes. Every single person knows who they are at any given moment in time--it's society that prevents them from being that. We're getting there though. Slowly but surely.
Why slowly? Why does social change have to take so long? It needs to be rushed all at once! Slow and steady NEVER wins the race!
Societal changes are always slow
I'm nonbinary, and I do identify as trans. Even if I decide not to alter my body, my gender still doesn't match the one I was assigned at birth. Dysphoria is still dysphoria, even if you're not ftm or mtf.
I learnt fairly early on it was a crime punishable by death to be different in the school playground. Am autistic. I knew even back in 1979 that I was different. Course back then autism wasn't widely known or understood. The schools I was at just thought I was slow and had learning problems. You learn to mask pretty quickly. It is a matter of survival.
The things you start to remember from your childhood, because you are listening to another persons story that matches your own.
The intense vulnerability of sitting in your bathtub with you-I can’t even put into words how much I appreciate that you’d bring this internet stranger to such an intimate, heartfelt place.
I don’t know where I fit into the gender framework, but I definitely feel a lot of what you talked about re puberty and the monster of a changing body, albeit from a different direction.
I am going through male puberty and it is the most traumatising thing i have ever experienced. Everyday i wake up look in the mirror see the small changes in my body. It feels like my body is slowing drifting away from my sense of reality. I feel like i am going to be a manly man and never be able to be feminine because i will be made fun of😔😭
I'm hugging you. 🫂
@@austin.luther thanx🥺
@Tea Time i hope u know it will one day get better and we will both get through it
I'm not living with a body that has masculine features I can't believe this has been allowed to happen doctors should have seen the torture that was happening it is the fact there are hidden features that are masculine I only live in a body that is strictly feminine and no masculine features i cannot believe the opposite has happened it wont get better because once male puberty begins it is over i refuse to have a male body i will not be trapped in a body that is masculine and doesn't meet my hyperfeminine standards i wont live much longer i don't have many suicide options apart from dehydration nothing that anyone will say will convince me to live with a masculine features and a Y chromosome it should take me a few days to a week to die slowly and painfully but not as painfully as being born a gender that i don't want to be doctors need to realise that puberty is butchering if it is the wrong one and i cant be expected to live in a body i hate.
How are you doing now? Holding up? Are your parents accepting? I hope you're okay. I hope you have support.
I once invited my 'friends' to my birthday party and none of them turned up. Not even a note put through the door saying they couldn't make it. I was just 10 or so at the time. Made me realise how alone I really was.
Welp, I'M doing "think of the children." It drives me to distraction to think about trans kids having their lives forever changed because adults are too scared and disgusted to learn about us. I came out at 14, but puberty blockers were barely used back then and my family rejected me, threatened to kick me out, told me I'd be a monster and unloved, would not let me transition. I could have avoided years of humiliation, watching my body slowly deform, and reconstructive surgery. I started physical transition the month I turned 18, but my adolescence had already been thrown in the trash, and like Jessie, I have physical and mental scars from having to go through that. I'm 30 and it still fucks me up.
I would like this to never, ever happen to other kids. With the medical research we have on this already, with the medical resources we have at hand, it's inhumane. Cis children can consent to puberty blockers for hormonal problems. Trans and NB children should be able to as well.
A bit of levity for this tough topic: my 5 year old is AMAB with two AFAB parents. He notices the differences and asks all sorts of insightful and sometimes funny questions about bodies. I'm a scientist and explain everything as accurate as I can with age appropriateness being a distant second to accuracy. This can create humourous halfunderstandings like yesterday when he asked "Mommy next time when you have puberty can you show me the egg?" 🤔
😂 You should buy that stuffed ovum from Giant Microbes as a gift for him.
@@LittleMissLounge OMG I love Giant Microbes! I have a bookworm!
OK, what are AMAB and AFAB? I don't think I've ever seen those before. M and F, I can guess are male and female, but B, biological? I just can't figure out the A's there, and it's probably simple. Anatomically? As? Asexual / Aromantic / Agender don't seem to fit. Question from the front row?
That little guy may be thinking it's like a chicken egg too, instead of a little cell.All those questions and the whole process is so mysterious when you're growing up. Being a little kid and later being a teen is so tough. It's a wonder we make it through our teens. :)
@@benw9949 They stand for "Assigned Male at Birth" and "Assigned Female at Birth"
@@joelletatter4063 Aha! Thank you! Dang, why didn't I think of that? Duh. Thanks again. :)
Just, thank you. I'm a cis white privelaged man, hearing the reality of what you experienced helps me to hopefully be more understanding to those that experience things differently to myself. The only quirky thing about me is that I am Bi, but even then at 21 I found my Mrs and never had to "test" those thoughts.
I lost my Mum on Sunday to covid, I never told her I was bi, but she always said if any of her kids said they were gay she would still love them, Now I wonder what it would have meant to me to actually say it out loud to her.
Sorry, I made a personaly story of yours about me. I am so glad you have become the woman you always wanted to be. Frankly stunning as you have said on a few occasions now.
Thank you for making this. Everything about this hit rather close to home. I'm 14, British and genderfluid. Everything that has gone on in the UK recently has made me so frightened, scared of everyone around me. My dysphoria is actively ruining my day to day life and the fact that people are actively taking away help while spreading misinformation and hatred is defiantly not helping. I love your videos so much. It's content like yours that gives me hope that there's a light at the tunnel and encourages me too keep being me in every small way I can. May you live long and prosper.
As a cis ally to trans and non-binary people, videos like this are very valuable for understanding how it actually feels to be trans. Seeing your humanity, your pain, makes me want to be ready to help in any way I can. I am floored by how honest you were about such a pivotal private moment. I know you didn't make this video for cis people, but thank you for being willing to display such deep emotions to a public crowd. This whole video is a teaching moment in so many ways. I hope it reaches the right people, especially young people. Again, thank you for putting yourself out there. You rock!
I didn't have the luxury of growing up understanding what being transgendered was. All I knew was that "something" was wrong with me. I was attracted to girls like any other boy, but there was also the feeling that I was what I was supposed to be. Regrettably it wasn't until I was on my own that I could anything about it.
Same here. I always liked girls but felt that I was supposed to have a female body myself. I didn't come out as trans until two years ago and started transitioning last August.
@@DarDarBinks1986 Good luck to you.
Me too, just reversed. I liked boys like a girl is expected to, but inhaled fanfiction that were basically gay romance novels. I tried to write it off as they were just better written, but even then I knew that wasn't right. I had no idea why I identified with gay male characters, why that was how I self-inserted myself into my favorite fantasy universes.
In retrospect, it's obvious. It's because I'm a gay man. But I didn't know that was possible, so I just thought I was perverted and didn't tell anyone.
This is definitely closer to my experience as well. I knew *something* was wrong but I blamed it on my weight and other physical features before I started reading about trans issues and identities and it all clicked. And even then it took years before I was able to see a doctor about it and really start transitioning.
I am still going through my 2nd puberty (14 months on E), and I'm currently seeing myself for the first time ever.
I know the feelings of crying, and crying and feeling alien in my own skin. But it's looking bright.. and thank you for the video. All I know is that kid who would put on their sister's clothes late at night can finally be happy with themselves..
"The manliest man I was supposed to be..." I feel like that's a trans experience for real. I tried soooo hard to be manly, but it was just a facade. I think we sometimes try so hard to fit in.
It has got to be tough to grow up trans. I know what I felt like growing up gay but so completely unprepared for that, while still having all those feelings, getting bullied, fumbled anything, needing more positive experiences. What a huge difference it could have made to have gay friends to talk to or even try things with. And back then, there was no web handy with information or with people's personal experiences, or gay fiction. Having heard Jackson Bird talk about navigating trans feelings growing up and coming out, that was so relatable for me as a gay, cis guy. (Gay boys can have some dysphoria or get misgendered too.) So I will be very interested to watch this video when it comes out. Hugs, everyone.
I remember that somewhere around 11 or 12, I started to develop depression. I never knew why either, it just kinda showed up one day. I hated myself, I felt almost completely numb. I always hated when my mom and dad asked me what was wrong because I could never explain why. They were frustrated with me too. I even thought I looked weird in the mirror, I couldn't tell if I looked liked a boy or a girl. Up until recently I'm lucky enough to cut my hair short and have accepting parents. And although I still struggle with depression and how weirdly I look in the mirror, I'm eternally grateful for being able to find out about what being trans means and learning about the issues surrounding that.
Thank you Jessie, for helping me figure myself out. And I hope things get better for you too owo👍
It breaks my heart that you went through that. I'm glad you found the resources to become the beautiful person you truly are. 💜
Ah, that doctor's office, and that checklist. I know them well. My monster was different, as I am cis, but that desperately wanting to check a box and not being able to - that I know. Spot on, madam. Such heartfelt, compassionate, intimate sharing will resonate with many. Well done.
Wow, that was raw. I cried watching this video, just wanted to reach into the past and tell you that it will get better. I'm in the UK and think everyone against puberty blockers should have to watch this video. I don't know as it will make a difference, but have to tell you Jessie that your shoulders are beautiful. Also, you're amazing, I'm a huge Star Trek nerd too and I love that about you. I hope your monster knows it's beat.
My friend went through the same thing, the dysphoria is hard. Much love to my friend and you.
Going through second puberty right now sis, can't wait for your video.
I didn't even know that trans was an option growing up. I expressed the want of being female and was rejected early on. That led me to hate societal traditionalisms and to express myself anonymously as a girl online for escapism. For me it was hard to see the bigger picture because of rejection > shame > repression > over compensation came up for each occurrence of gender in-congruence. If society was different then things would have been different. I hid myself for my own survival, I hid so well that I forgot who I was.
id mostly just detached myself from my body. i learned of all these changes that would happen to me, and just knew it was wrong. i wanted a different option, but just buried those feelings down, leaving my demons to autopilot my body and not protest it’s growth. i let things happen without letting my true self protest, and i used any excuse to dismiss my feelings about this. even when i looked more into people like me, there was a wall of people talking about such strong agony without much description of why, and huge emphasis on people “faking” these feelings for attention. where i thought i would find answers to my feelings, i found more walls pushing me out. i kept going like this, until finally i cracked in March of this year. i couldnt stand being buried in my mind; i made myself known, and i wrestled control away from my demons over that time. i took back my body, much to my horror it had changed in ways i didn’t appreciate, but at least i owned it, and could make the right steps towards fixing it
I wish that box had existed on the health surveys I had to fill out when I was 14. The concept of a child or teenager struggling with their own gender identity was unheard of in most of society. I had no access at all to any websites, pamphlets, or support groups to help me figure out why I didn't feel comfortable in my own body. Why I hated even seeing myself in the mirror. Why I was always drawn towards the feminine and why even my own inner conscience seemed female. When the internet became commonplace and information on trans identities became more available, I still couldn't access it. Anything with the word "transgender" in it was labeled as pornography and was blocked on navy networks. Had that checkbox existed and I the courage to check that box, I might not have been able to serve in the navy, but my life would no doubt be much different.
This just puts into perspective how awful transphobes are for denying trans kids access to healthcare
I watched this recently. Im 36 , started hrt at 35. Going to do surgeries. Everything really.
This video it made me cry. I love your videos jessie.
My memories of puberty and ny 20s were of i fell into a depression when puberty hit.
Always struggled with sex and dating.
Struggled with my gender and my sexuality.
But i didnt know trans people existed .
I found the teenage years hard but couldnt put words to how i was feeling
So i repressed it.
But until i finally accepted this it always came back and stronger until i was crossdressing all the time.
I think thats important sometimes trans people don't kmow we re trans.
But we know something is badly wrong.
Thats what the right forces want.
Repression so people dont know themselves. But repression doesnt work
As a trans youth I know this is going to hit close to home.
as a trans former-youth it definitely did
@@dontuserachelslurs haha I see what you did there *wink*
Yeah same…. I know imma begin to DREADDD puberty 😬😭
on the one hand, I wish I had met more trans people growing up. on the other hand, I don't know how that would've changed my life. I can't imagine my mom would be to pleased with me bringing a friend over and saying "they're a girl, but they're actually a boy.". If theres one thing I am glad for, its that I learned about trans people in a way that I could see through my own lens. nobody but me got to judge the people. adn that judgement of trans people, is that their people. no more deserving of respect then anyone else. its a shame that hate is something parents might teach their kids, but I'm glad its not something that I did end up learning.
I have a theory that parents don't teach their kids to hate, they just show their hateful kids what to target. Hating "the other" is a natural human response and parents/society/culture teach who "the other" is.
You have come so very far. You are an amazing person. I am sorry that you have had to live through this. Hopefully this reaches people that need it.
I think about it a lot. Probably way too much. I knew early on but I grew up in a conservative christian environment that kept me in the closet. I finally tried to come out at 14 but had all of my fears confirmed and I went back into the closet. I did not break free of enough of the childhood indoctrination to accept myself and transition until I was close to my 29th birthday. I was so close to not being wrecked by the wrong puberty. I never really learned to love myself but at least I eventually was able to perform some acts of self love to come out and live freely. I am very glad that things are moving forward so that fewer will have to experience repression to this degree.
Thank you, as ever, for sharing so deeply of yourself. I hope that some people have their hearts turned by your words, and that we can help all kids affected in this way.
For me, I didn’t have words about dysphoria, and my fairly sheltered and strict upbringing meant I couldn’t even consider whether I might be trans or not. It took me to my mid thirties (and meeting some lovely trans folk) to understand. I too deeply regret the lost time, and sometimes it can make me bitter, but I’m looking forward to the future in a way I never have before. - Tara (she/her).
Thank you for your story. I'm glad that you found your true self in the end.
❤️🥰 thank you
Jessie, I think I could fill a whole essay or video script with my responses on this. My experience growing up (cis) and gay (and handicapped) was very different, my experiences of puberty were very different, and yet, there is a lot in common there in the confusion and worry, the need for people to talk to, support, and the worry over carrying around a secret that most of society does not think is OK and doesn't understand. So many personal, private memories about that, but things in them that are similar to what you said. If only society (family, friends, school, church, etc., etc.) and media messages didn't make it so bad to be non-straight, even a little. The worry that even the people we like and love the most won't be OK with us, the need for support and information, the deep feelings inside -- I wish other people could understand what that is really like, instead of all the phobia. I think back to standing up and speaking out for friends who were rumored to be gay. I didn't know if they were, but they were my friends, or classmates I didn't know, or other years. -- What if we could learn about LGBTQIA+ things in school? And at home, and with friends growing up, without it being a problem or a fear or taboo? -- I wonder, if there had been a time machine and we'd known each other, would we have understood each other? Too different? Or maybe a recognition of someone like us going through the same kinds of stuff, sort of? I would've been puzzled by a boy who was trans, who wanted to be a girl. Yet I would've also understood other things about that. And if you'd seen the late 70's and all the 80/s as a teen and young adult, wow, it was a mess. I hope this video helps trans folks and potential allies and LGBTQIA+ folks to understand. It's so needed.
Sharing a story this personal with the world takes courage. Thank you so much.
In my state it costs many hundreds of dollars to get a name change, let alone what it takes to get hormone replacement therapy. Our BIPOC siblings in our communities are having to deal with massive inequities. We need to band together to make sure our siblings of other mothers can make the changes we have made.
I thought this was going to be about the second puberty we get, but I'm glad to have the first one talked about too!
The irreversible damage, waw great nod, you are amazing and, as a teenage trans gal, I would kill to have seen this at 14.
All your videos are wonderful and sooo helpful, thank you so much for your work, go jessie !!
This video came out a couple days after I started T!
Tomorrow marks my first week and I'm already actually feeling the changes, it's not going to ever undue my puberty but it's the start of my second one that will maybe rewrite the mistakes the first one put on me. I can feel it starting and I never expected it to feel so... Right. Or even be able to feel anything within a WEEK.
First thing I noticed is emotional changes. Nothing extreme but they felt more vivid, and a bit more temperamental. A bit more aggressive and willing to confront others then usual but not in a cruel way just, a bit angrier. My voice hasn't started cracking but it feels on the edge, not deeper yet but raspier, a bit more strained. It is so slight I don't think anyone else would notice but the hair on my face and chest is darker in these tiny patches. Bottom growth hasn't fully started but of man there's definitely something happening down there and idk how to feel about it but it's certainly a thing! I've had more wet dreams this past week then I've had overall in my life. Still identity as ace or demi but man Loki is kinda cute.
The line of "No i have to be a strong man" and that. That hit hard. That was exactly what i yelled at myself in the mirror.
That's what i had to burst out while fighting back tears as my ex held me and told me it's okay.
No one except us know exactly how hard this battle is and anyone who thinks we trivialize the decisions, need to watch your video to actually be able to sympathize
Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable, Jessie ❤ I'm so sorry for the pain that you had to go through. You're doing amazing work, and I hope that this video will have the ability to change a few minds
Damn, I'm bawling my eyes out. My experience as a trans woman played out a little different in terms of the order of events and timeline of realizations, but "the monster" is something I've battled for over half my life, thinking that monster was all I could be a huge majority of that time. It almost caused me to end my life from the mental anguish of the fight multiple times and has left my mind permanently scarred as a result, but finally having the hormones and knowledge to level the playing field has helped immensely in the last few years. After hearing about your experience, it feels so validating to know I wasn't alone in my long time of suffering and despair and that other trans people have learned to overcome and control it, even if the pain of having been denied for so long will never fully leave. Thank you for making this video, it was exactly what I needed to hear and I'm so glad this video is out there for those who still are struggling to keep "the monster" in check to this day. Trans rights!
It was too horrible for me to ever quite put into words. I hope you are in a better place now Jessie and thank you so much for willingly recounting your traumatic experience so that others may learn from it.
I was bullied for being Different too& for my love for anime&Animal planet & video gamgames over football like those in my school growing up Jessie. 😥😓💖
Wow, this is just amazing. You have managed to so eloquently describe feelings and experiences that I struggled to explain to people when growing up, and I want to thank you for that. I'm planning to come out to my family as a transman in the next year or so, and this video is definitely going to be on the list of resources I plan to provide them to help build understanding!
I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wish I could erase ever having gone through male puberty! I've never TRULY been happy since 1991! One coping way is I'm writing a self-insert story about in which I had gotten puberty blockers
Oh man, rewriting your own story sounds cathartic. I might do something similar... Not for publishing, but as a creative journaling exercise. This makes me think of something funny, though! I didn't FULLY recognize that I was nonbinary transmasculine until this year [at 29], yet... Every time I've ever started a fictional piece, my protagonist was always male. And, if the aesthetic options are good, most of my player characters in games were male. I always got asked about why I did that... Welp, guess I know now!! Hahahah
I'm not living with a body that has masculine features I can't believe this has been allowed to happen doctors should have seen the torture that was happening it is the fact there are hidden features that are masculine I only live in a body that is strictly feminine and no masculine features i cannot believe the opposite has happened it wont get better because once male puberty begins it is over i refuse to have a male body i will not be trapped in a body that is masculine and doesn't meet my hyperfeminine standards i wont live much longer i don't have many suicide options apart from dehydration nothing that anyone will say will convince me to live with a masculine features and a Y chromosome it should take me a few days to a week to die slowly and painfully but not as painfully as being born a gender that i don't want to be doctors need to realise that puberty is butchering if it is the wrong one and i cant be expected to live in a body i hate.
@@ZijnShayatanica lol yeah I rplly won't get this published it's just kinda fun
Glad you're telling the truth. I have the impression cis people generally don't realize that it's horrible to go through the wrong puberty when you're trans and did not have the chance to take blockers before puberty, and especially when you're a trans girl. It's extremely extremely traumatizing. It's horrible. I don't have words to describe this!
I’ve always remembered feeling so disconnected from my body, was never able to picture my own face very well or imagine what I would look like when I grew up, never truly recognized myself in the mirror, until about 6 months ago (at age 25) when I finally put the pieces together and realized I’m a trans man, and then truly 4 months ago when I started T. I never thought I would feel at home in my body, and it’s still a struggle some days with dysphoria rearing it’s ugly head, but I’m so much happier now and I can actually picture a future for myself. I’m exciting about life for the first time… ever. Thank you for sharing your story, Jessie. You and other trans content creators truly helped me, and I’m sure many others, along my journey of self discovery.
I just want to say that I admire your strength and confidence especially in these extremely personal stories. 💖💖💖
jessie you made me cry!! this is so beautiful and you’re so good at articulating that feeling. i’ve never even felt this way but this video is so impactful. i hope so many young trans people see this and are able to feel understood
Me: Hey, my puperty wasn't that bad. I was fiiine!
Also me: Trans thoughts first manifest in early puberty, then are forgotten/pushed aside. Rest of puberty is largely spent on being miserable, grumpy and not interacting with people. (okay I had a few friends in high school...that I didn't make until third year because I was too busy being grumpy and hiding from people)
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. . . hopefully you’re doing better now
@@kaepeterman4394 A bit.
I'm not even trans, and I relate to this.
Mood, I was maybe 12 when I first started playing with gender presentation, and I was like
‘Hey this is pretty neat! ...*BUT IM NOT TRANS*’
I got further along in my life and I was beginning to think ‘Man it’d be nice if people stopped pestering me to wear makeup and be more like a girl... But I’m perfectly happy being a girl! Every girl struggles with her body haha!’
And now here I sit, 20 years old and I perfectly understand now that I’m not a girl at all. I just shoved all those feelings aside completely, and oh wow I wish I didn’t do that
Thank you so much for sharing your story with such honest vulnerability.
I’m nonbinary and AFAB so my inner monster has different things to say when it rears its ugly head, but I relate to a lot of what you went through and where I can’t relate I can empathize. I’m not alone in that either. Reading the comments and seeing so many people expressing gratitude to you or sharing their own stories gives me so much hope. This is such a supportive, fun, nerdy community you’ve created and I’m so grateful for it! 🖖🏳️⚧️
I'm going to finish this video later, some of this things hit to close to home. Jessi you are an wonderful person and thank you so much for putting yourself out there and talking about this things, It's really important and nice that you do. Sorry for being to emotional right now, I'll finish the video later, love you and I'm glad you are doing better now, live long and prosper you wonderful being 🖖🏻
This video was so powerful, thank you for making it and I hope it can reach those who need it.
going through your assigned puberty as someone with gender dysphoria is like staring at yourself through a funhouse mirror that only gets more and more distorted as time rages on and then looking around and seeing that everyone elses mirrors are becoming *less* warped
Beautiful, raw, poignant, honest, and tremendously powerful vid Jessie. I would say your monster and my monster are intersectional buddies for sure! So I sing for you:
Every Moment A Crossroads, Every Breath A Choice.
Can't change the past but you are using your voice. For a better tomorrow, a better today.
(All the monsters really want is love anyway.)
The Crossroads we miss can haunt us and daunt us. Yet Crossroads of Right Now will also still taunt us.
I try to hug my demons head on, keep em in front of me, that way no surprises when they are feeling tricksy.
🌈❤🧡💛💚💙💜🌟🌟🌟🌟🌈👊🏼💥🫂
I am not a trans person (and besides my English is quite poor) but you need to know your videos are very helpful for cis people to understand what you're going through. Thank you so much for sharing. You made me a little less stupid person (for a while it was difficult for me to understand why trans topics were related to -left- politics, now I do, so I can't thank you enough for that).
PD: love the Loki costumes.
I'm also trans and I had a much different experience with puberty. During the early days of my pubescent years I didn't know that being trans was a real thing and I was basically gaslit by society into thinking I was okay with my body. However as I got into high school I started to feel as if I was simply living in the body of someone who didn't exist while everybody around me believed him to be me. Once I started to medically transition it felt like my body was slowly being returned to me. Now days I'm late into my transition and although I do have some amount of gender dysphoria it's heavily outweighed by my euphoria.
It's stories like this that make it very hard for me to understand the people who try to claim that trans people don't belong in the LGBT community. Yes, there are obvious differences between sexual minorities and gender minorities, but the thing that connects all of us is a shared pain. I'll never know the nightmare of what it's like to be horrified by how your body is changing in ways you don't want it to, but that feeling of being distanced from others; the pain of knowing that there's something different about you and thinking it makes you a monster; the absolute terror of your friends and family rejecting you for who you are. That I do know. That I do understand. As you were telling your story I could hear the pain in your voice and it echoes my own.
It's that shared pain and a common goal to improve the world so that future generations will be spared that pain is what unites us. That's something so much deeper and important than any of the superficial differences between any of us.
I’m transitioning more for euphoria than dysphoria, but yeah, this whole ‘second puberty’ thing is pretty terrible, 0/10. I’m still happy I’m going through with it. Only regret is that I wish I didn’t wait until my 30’s to start lol.
I rarely leave comments on videos, much less really old videos, but Jessie you just keep compelling me to say something. And I have to say here I never thought I would hear so much of my own story out of some one else's mouth. You had me crying as I remembered things I had tried to forget. Right down to the gosh darn freaking bathroom. Thank you ... thank you. I'm pretty sure that you know why I'm thanking you.
In my personal case, if I had transitioned earlier in life (like I desperately wish I had) I would likely die from cancer not long from now. But to finally see reflected back from that mirror an image I can actually say is me ... the term "life changing" doesn't even come close. Thank you so much for writing such an elegant script to describe it.💞 I'm glad that through Patreon I'm able to help you in some small way to keep following this passion you have. Because what that creates is beautiful!
The amount to which I relate to this story is terrifying. I specifically remember talking to my doctor last year about getting a gender therapist and then not telling my parents because I was too afraid to. Then I went through the worst year of my life and this year I don't care how mad my parents get I'm GOING to go to therapy, I'm GOING to start blockers and estrogen, and NO ONE is going to stop me!
So moving/ you’re story is deep and relatable to most of us- but with an extra frightening aspect❤️ so glad you’re feeling like yourself now, don’t look back too much- and keep moving forward, know that the past is a burden for so many❣️ You are a beautiful person Jessie, lots of love and admiration 🥰
I found puberty stressful enough as a cisgendered male. I can't imagine what it would be like to experience it in a body that didn't match my true gender. Such a personal video like this really gives a great insight to what transgender people go through and the hardships they face.
Just because a kid starts out in life a certain gender physically, doesn't mean they should spend the whole of thier adulthood trapped in a body they dont feel comfortable or connected to. Besides which as kids girls and boys bodies are identical, it's the thing between our legs that seperates us, which until puberty does not fully develop anyways. It's just a thing to pee out of only. I believe in puberty blockers, if a child requires them. It can alter the course of that childs adult life for the better. So why not I say.
Thank you as always for being so open. we all love you Jess.
This was beautifully raw and difficult to tackle. You've done such a good job presenting your experience and in a validating way for other people, such as myself who are in the midst of questioning all things gender.
The bath is also a great setting for any deeply emotional topic.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are brave and strong.
Sharing your story is important (and brought tear to my eyes). Some people think that feeling aren't important and we should look at facts. But we connect to other with emotions, empathy is the most powerful emotion and we should encourage it. Even if I will never feel or know what you live, but I can understand your feeling.
I am glad you feel better and glad that you are ready to share your experience for other.
You move so effortlessly between the personal and the political that I am in awe! Of course, they are often the same thing. Thank you again for the fire and the balm of your activism! Love and respect! :)
I can relate to crying in the shower every day from age 10 thru my 30s while looking at my body and being unable to change anything felt like I was in a flesh cage. I'm happy I stuck around, but I also wish I could've done something earlier then 26 years later at 36. I agree 1,000% adults with selfish agendas and manipulative tactics for their ignorant views are hurting and killing innocent people like it has for many years. Its way past time for this to change. Love you Jess! Your beautiful!
I’m only 3 minutes into this but I really love how you’re telling the story. I feel like I’m very much there with you.
I usually don‘t write comments but thank you so so much for that video.
I‘m an enby and for most of the time shoved my discomfort with my puberty and my body deep down inside of me. I‘m still figuring out how I want to transion. But hearing someone else talking so openly about their puberty and their memories choosing a path at a crossroad section is helping me a bit with coming to terms with my own experiences.
Again, thank you. :)
This was such an impactful video, it was beautiful, Jessie. You are a great writer, and great actress, the way you told your story, I felt it, even though I never went through it. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing, especially in such an artful way!
At a certain point, you talk about finding a website, and feeling a sense of community for the first time. And now, here you are, creating community for kids like you used to be. It is profound to me, I wonder how you feel about it?
Thank you for sharing this. You express a powerful message. I'm a cis-gender man that has wanted to understand better what trans people have to go through in their lives. This video gives me a much better understanding about the extremely painful and difficult experiences which trans people have to face and deal with growing up and how that affects them as adults.
I was not raised in a family or had friends that were LBGTQ+ friendly when I was growing up. I was born in 1970 - not a very supportive time in general in my youth. But past the age 22, my friend groups changed a great deal and I was fortunate enough to be friends with people that were LBGTQ+ supportive and a few of these groups had LBGTQ+ people in them. So I started learning a little bit. But not much. I harbored mixed emotions due to my upbringing. But I was a nerdy, too smart and too weird and that meant that I was bullied a fair bit also. But I'm pretty sure that you likely had it worse. Especially with what you were dealing with on the inside. I'm sorry that growing was so very painful for you.
For me a lot of time has gone by. The idea of fairness and justice in how all people are treated developed deeply in me. I am a very Lefty Left Liberal. I live close to Washington, DC. where there is a large population of the LGBTQ+ community. In that area, I am a part of a large gaming group of uber-nerds and at least a quarter of our group are a part of the LBGTQ+ community and most of them in our group are trans. We have a group that is very inclusive. Being with trans and other LBGTQ+ and creating friendships with them has helped me understand a lot and has deeply enriched my life. Your video here has given me answers to some of the questions I've wanted to ask, but have been reluctant to now because twice when I've brought it up, each with a different friend, they said that it was too painful. I totally get that. So you message covered a lot of that. Thank you for that.
On a slightly different note, one of my trans friends, who is very much in my Best Friends group, seems to have a very similar background to you. At times, she will briefly talk about events or aspects of her teen years. She's an Uber-Nerd - The Queen of her Nerdom Hill. She's into Sci-Fi and Fantasy. She was an Eagle Scout. She tried to be more masculine in her teens. She had a family that was not and still is not very receptive to her transgender existence.
And she is one of my best and dearest friends. I would not be the person with better understanding and empathy than I had, if she had not been my friend.
Thank you again for talking about this difficult and painful period of your life. I found out about this and your Jessie Gender After Dark Channel through your interactions on Steve Shives Star Trek Channel.
Not to undermine your more large scale and high end videos, which are absolutely fantastic, but I think this is easily your best video and your best script. At least, it is to me. Outstanding work, Miss Gender!
I am proud of your strength.
Thank you for sharing like this. This must mean a lot to so many people to hear.
I always love your channel. You always explain/discuss topics so well.
You are awesome!
This rang so true for me. Unfortunately I wasn't able to realize what was really wrong with me till I was around 18, but I understand and can relate to the feelings and the pain that you felt growing up. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing this.
Thank you for putting the time and emotional energy into doing this. It was hard to watch because many parts hit close to home. It had to be even harder to go through your own past, string it together this cohesively, and be vulnerable enough to tell it, especially on the internet. This was really meaningful both in terms of content and effort and I hope it reaches as large of an audience as it deserves and they’re willing to listen.
Good for you for being so open about your past. I have PTSD from being bullied in 5th grade and also I have trauma from having an abusive step-dad. It's HARD to talk about this shit in a public forum. You're being brave!
You’re so genuinely amazing and I know you’re helping a lot of us out more than you know. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story! I am a late bloomer, realized I'm trans later in life and am coping with a lot of those irreversible changes... possibly reverting some of those that were thought to be irreversible.
Your story and so many others demonstrate why one would expect there to be more visible trans people as acceptance grows, rather than what transphobes call an "epidemic" of children being "forcibly transed", as if getting access to transition therapy or even hormone blockers isn't still, to this day, very difficult and arduous.
The difficulty of, in my case, even realizing I am trans and in your case, of asking for help even though you knew, never mind all the procedural and other difficulties in accessing therapy options - means there is no wonder we see more trans people as awareness of trans people grows - because more people have the tools to understand their feelings if they have them and more people consider the prospect of asking for help.
I just hope that as time goes by our voices of acceptance will win over the voices of bigotry. While your story was very personal, I think it also contributes to that struggle.
I was raised in a rich white all boys conservative religious school. I was an innocent kid and the school had so thoroughly hidden all mentions of anything lgbt+ that I didn’t even know it 1. existed and 2. was “bad”. When I figured out I was bisexual at the young age of 11, I came out all willynilly to my friends. That did not go well. Suffice to say I did not do any more types of coming out. I never hid my sexuality, mainly out of spite, but I never looked further into myself. I thought that the monster described in this video was just self hate given to me by the people surrounding me. I didn’t even know transgender was a thing until I was 18. And it clicked for me in the very last week of my schooling and suddenly everything made sense.
Now while I’m beginning my path to transition, it hasn’t been easy and one of the biggest challenges is coming to terms with the fact that I will never get to know what my childhood would’ve been like had I known sooner, had I been given the chance to be myself and given the chance to change schools due to my newfound gender. I’ll never know how much better it could’ve been.
This video was beautiful Jessie, thank you for sharing your story. It means more than I can put into words here.
I'm out as a transwoman since maybe 1 month.
I want to thank you. today was a day of self doubt, and your video helped a lot.
sincerely, thank you for sharing your experience, it means so freaking much.
Thank you Jessie, for sharing your experience with the world, there are many who need to hear this.
Also, i loved the Irreversible damage dig.
I have a friend that is transitioning, and you have no idea how much happier they are now than they were when I first met them. Granted, this is very recent for them, but I feel like they open up a lot more about themselves now instead of being so reserved.
A little bit of support goes a long way.
I also want to say that I don't remember how I found your UA-cam channel. I think you might have been talking about feminism in a few of your videos and I stayed for your lovely personality. I've been following you since before covid and so watching your subscriber count go up has just been a treat. 💕
When I came to the internet, seeking some answers for my gender dysphoria, I found you. How lucky I was 💜
This video kills me! I cried so hard! Thank you so much for shareing a part of you!