I lost my mom when I was 16 and my dad at 22. I am still trying to work through grief and what that will look like for the rest of my life, but thank you for talking about this. Grief feels so isolating and this time of year is especially tough. Hearing others working through the same things is very encouraging ❤️ you are lovely, thank you Rosianna
My dad suddenly passed away when I was a junior in high school, 4 days before my 17th birthday. I also have difficulties dealing with life milestones. Each milestone (high school graduation, getting accepted into uni, graduating uni) is tinged by a sense of grief. It makes me wonder what my dad would have said or how proud he would have been. I know that he's proud but that doesn't even compare to seeing him again.
We lost dad at the end of October, he was 55. I can't stop thinking about how young he was and how he had all this things that he wanted to do. It breaks my heart because I'm nothing like him, I have been floating around without purpose for so long. Right now we are doing all the paperwork and sadly some institutions have been really awful to us. They treat us like we are greedy for wanting the money (that my father worked really hard for) as soon as possible but the only thing we want right now is to feel secure again, and paying bills helps us out.
I feel you so deeply. My dad died last month and he was 60. 55 and 60 feel way too young, I’m so sorry that you’re in this pain. The paperwork is so much more than I could have ever imagined. Right now my mom who’s always been stay-at-home, is floating between whether or not she needs to work again because life insurance is taking forever to get back to us. You’re definitely not alone.
I spoke about this earlier this week too. I lost my Mum on th first day of advent 5 years after I lost my dad when I was young. Its crap but finding the happy bits can really help ❤️
Thank you for sharing your experience and these thoughts! My dad died in July 2014 - he was 73 at the time and I was 22, so it was a little early for him to leave but very early for me to lose him. It feels strange that he's been gone for six years already. In the beginning I felt numb and like what had happened hadn't actually happened; the fact that he lived a four-hour bus drive away from me and I hadn't seen him in person in seven months played a part in this I think. He and my mum also divorced when I was two and I was raised by my mum, so my dad always felt a little distant to me. We had become particularly distant from each other during my first years at university, and we were just beginning to become closer when he died - we had even made plans for him to visit my apartment for the first time, which then never happened. The last memory I have of him is standing together on my half-brother's balcony during our family's New Year's Eve party and putting my arm around him as we watched the fireworks. What you mentioned about being close to the underworld made me think of autumn 2016 when I for some unknown reason had a couple of weeks of intense existential crisis: I felt viscerally aware of my own mortality and immensely sad about it. I felt afraid to leave my apartment because what if that day was the day I'd die? The falling autumn leaves felt like an ever-present metaphor of the inevitability of death. All that disappeared as unexplainably as it had arrived and I've never been in a similar headspace since.
I lost my Dad when I was very young and there are lots of people who knew him longer than I did and they always say how much alike we are and that statement is often so difficult for me because I never get to know if that is actually true as I was just too young to know that then. So, I constantly think about that and if I might have been a different person if he was still here. And yes, to everything you said about being anxious. The amount of horrible possibilities I have in my head of what could happen can sometimes get so overwhelming I honestly appreciate how open you are about grief, it helps a lot. It‘s been 22 years for me, yet I am not okay about it at all, but knowing that I will never be completely okay with it has been oddly comforting about that if that makes any sense
Thank you for this, and your other videos of grief. The feeling of solidarity and "being seen" that I've gotten from them has been potently soothing, even all these years after the loss. Thank you.
I lost my cousin, who was like a sister to me, this year out of nowhere and I’ve felt like no one understood my experience of grief but this has helped , so thank you
Rosianna, thank you for sharing this with such care, vulnerability and honesty. It is the most "seen" I've ever felt watching a video. My older brother died nearly two years ago (just before Christmas), he was 27 and I was 23. Before that I hadn't even lost a grandparent. Everything you said... the loneliness, the terrible anxiety, the comments that sting, feeling like you're in a different world, people's reactions, everyone having lost someone different, the utter utter injustice of it all. And despite the universality of these things to those bereaved, it still doesn't always help to feel almost dismissed by a simple "yeah I know how you feel". Sometimes I wanted to shout "No of course you don't!". I am sending so much love to all those who grieve around this time of year. If I can offer some small advice, it's to be prepared that other close family members may handle their grief differently, to accept that but to make your needs known. Keep buggering on, pals. X
When I had to go through an agonising level of grief I found a great comfort in talking to those who didn't know me prior to the death. About six months after my loss I met someone on a plane on the way home. We had so many interests in common and I found talking to them all through that first Christmas was a very beneficial distraction. I haven't talked about grief with them yet, but if the topic came up I'd have no trouble talking about it. So it was like that significant portion of my life didn't exist, this person only knew the me that I presented to them in that moment. That along with the excitement of a new friend and the endless stuff we could chat about, kept me distracted and feeling quite okay over Christmas. There was a great comfort in just talking about easy things. Sharing songs we liked, talking about STUFF. The me who was getting through the day on auto pilot, the me who felt so lost and in so much pain, that part of me didn't exist so presently in these exciting and easy moments of conversation with a new friend.
I've been watching your videos for so long now that I can remember you in the "before" and how much it struck me when I heard that your dad died. It was something I could barely grasp at the time but I felt sorrow with you. Then in 2009 my mother passed very suddenly and I understood your pain a bit more. I'm someone who has been leaving the wolf of grief to howl at the door for 10 years now but I can finally say that I'm learning to let it in and let myself feel. Thank you for what you have shared here because I can't overstress how important your words are for me at the beginning of this journey of processing to see how much progress in healing you have made. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing these things because I relate so deeply to your words and I know I'll come back to this video again. This has helped reinforce what I'm learning about letting yourself feel things and not thinking I need to be "strong" and hold it all in. Because as you know, that doesn't work. Wishing you continuous healing and progress in your life. 💖
Always really appreciate your videos about grief and find them really cathartic. I lost my dad a few years prior to you but have often felt like we've been on this weird journey together within the community you've fostered so thank you for that! I find myself more than ever craving content surrounding grief so very much looking forward to your tv/film suggestions
My died died in august and i'm really struggling this holiday season... this whole video was so beautifully worded... you helped a lot :) thanks so much, lots of love 💕
My dad just died in November, it’s hard especially since Christmas was his favorite, just thought I’d chat since personally hearing others going through the same helps me (maybe it helps you too). Regardless of if you respond or not, I hope there’s some comfort in knowing you’re not alone 💖
I lost my dad almost a month ago and this video was so helpful. I subscribed to you a while ago not knowing about for father and seeing a familiar face in my sub box taking about something I felt so isolated in was so comforting. Thank you.
I lost my cousin unexpectedly a few months ago and every so often, completely unexpectedly, I will cry. And cry hard. This video was a welcome respite. Thank you.
This video was so incredibly moving. I have not experienced grief of a family member so it was good to watch so that I’m a bit more aware of what I say and be mindful that other people in my generation could be going through grief. Thank you so much for sharing.
I appreciate this video a lot. Thank you Rosianna. I've been watching you since before this sad thing happened to you, and then joined "the weird club" myself. We're the same age and it's been so helpful and cathartic to watch you carry on. Thanks for your candor and willingness to share with us. x
Coming to this video a few months on. I have had two close friends who have lost parents this week and this has been such a helpful place and discussion. I've lost people but never someone so immediate. A lot of my anxiety centres on losing people and I've been trying to keep it from getting in the way of being there for my friends but it's been hard. Thank you so much for your openness. I've been following you since before your dad died and watching you over that time has been a sort of comfort - seeing you keep going gives me hope.
Love this. My dad passed away 16 years ago, when I was 16. So I am approaching being alive longer without my dad than I was with him. That’s not something I ever expected to happen
I lost my dad when I was 21, almost three years ago now and so much of what you said resonated with me, especially the isolating nature of experiencing this kind of grief when so few people in your age group are. Thank you for making this video, I think a lot of people are going to feel more connected and understood thanks to it
"It is a part of your life now" made me tear up because that is really it. Lost my grandpa earlier this year and the ongoing waves of grief have just been a part of it all and that the pain my family has gone through continues bc folks are losing family members to covid still which is just both angering and saddening that they have to go through those emotions as well.
thank you so much for this. I feel like you having an online presence and going through the same situation with fathers passing at a very similar time has given me strength. I have just reached out to people who have gone through similar situations or people who I have hurt when I had my walls up for the first few years after. You will always have a place at my table and thank you for being so open and honest my entire face has pins and needles. All the truths you spoke are universal with grief and all the comments here are so heartwarming. knowing my father saw all the hard times before the payoff career-wise and not the positives through those hardships will always break me. Bless you and everyone going through the same. Thank you I needed this :) x
I don't often comment on videos but I just wanted to say that I've been a subscriber for years (mostly for your excellent book opinions!) and while I've been aware of your experience with grief, I've avoided watching these particular videos as I hadn't experienced it myself and felt like I was intruding. My dad passed away very suddenly just over two months ago and you were one of the first youtubers I thought of that might be able to pass on some wisdom about it all. I haven't been able to read or do much of anything at all but recently, I've come around to the idea of watching content like this and listening to grief-related podcasts. I really enjoyed your video on books that helped you with your grief and in fact, I've taken a leaf out of your book and started my re-read of Harry Potter this morning. It was one of the books my Dad used to read to me as a kid so it feels oddly comforting right now. I'd really appreciate more videos, as you mentioned, on films and tv shows that may have helped you cope too. All my best, and thank you for sharing all of this, Rosianna.
This really helped. My Dad died in 2008 and my Mum died March of this year. I was very close to both of them, especially Mum. Mum suddenly got sick in January (she was totally fine before- apart from her underlining condition copd but she was quite active) and I was looking after her in and out of hospital and rehab facilities- I had the privilege of being with her throughout her treatments- was with her 24 hours a day. She really suffered. I keep getting flashbacks- and I have developed insomnia. Oh and I am stuck in NY with her dog lol My home is in the UK. I am finally going back to UK (with my dog) in January. I have been alone for a very long time. I appreciate what you said about grief not having a time line. I often thought I should be getting over this by now because Mum died in March. But I just keep wanting to talk about it and I go over it- what if I did this? etc etc.
I didn't even realize how much I've been feeling grief this holiday season until I started watching this video. I lost both of my grandmothers in consecutive summers a few years ago and it was very... expected in both cases, so the grief I felt then was much more muted. I was also having big life things happening (moving to a big city/going to college one summer and then coming out of a bad depression and being in daily intensive therapy the next) so I think I kind of put the grief to the side after a few weeks and felt like I had processed it. And all of a sudden this year, it came back. One of my grandmothers would've been 100 this year, and because her mother lived to be 100 we had always assumed she would too, so this year it felt especially like we should've had these last five years with her. And my other grandmother had Alzheimer's, so even though she died in 2017 she had been pretty much gone since 2013, and the last time she was still healthy was in 2009 or so. And I feel so, so angry that I don't get to have her in my life as a young adult, or even when I was a teen. This year the grief of that injustice, I guess, really struck, even though I've been mourning that loss for years. And then over and over and over I've been feeling so much more pain over their deaths, more than I have since their funerals, and it really caught me off guard but I thought "oh I'm just extra emotional because of, y'know, everything." But I realized watching your video, I think I've just not processed their deaths at all, partially because they were my grandparents so I've always known one day I'd go through this, and because they were both sick and so I had a build-up to losing them that let me brace myself a bit, so it hurt less in the moment. But it's caught up to me, and I'm really feeling it (and trying to actually deal with it) now. It really sucks, and I'm so grateful for your openness about grief, more than ever.
Thank you for this. In the last year I've lost two very special people suddenly and tragically and I just feel like... no one GETS IT. I've been struggling to try and explain it to people. Add corona, and different countries and paperwork, all done in the dead of night. Anyway, thank you , thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you for this. So many of these questions could have been asked by me haha. It's been 8 years for me, so I really appreciated your discussion of "well it's been 6 years, I should be better". I think the thing that's the hardest for me is the sense that my dad will never know an adult me and I'm never going to have an adult relationship with him. I've only ever known him as my dad and I wish I could have gotten to know him as a more complex person. But whereas you talk about how important it is to you to connect with people and tell them you love them, I find it really hard to be close to people. After all, I feel like they might die at any point, and I find it hard to open myself to the possibility of getting hurt like that again.
Thank you for your vulnerability. I remember watching your videos from before your dad died. I’ve been following your journey (at least the one you put out publicly) and all the progress you’ve made is inspirational. I learn something new about myself from you all the time. Thank you for sharing this space with me and making me feel less lonely throughout these years.
I haven't experienced loss through death in the same way, but I am experiencing (unfortunately a very necessary) estrangement and recovery from a lot of rough stuff and this was still so helpful/soothing for me.
My granny died in my arms 3 weeks ago. We've lived together for the last 7 years. My family are quite abusive(there is only my parents and 2 siblings left) and I don't have a single friend because of my social anxiety so she was the person I was closest to. I feel like people don't think my level or length of grief is warranted because she was older and I feel embarrassed being so broken because losing a grandparent at my age isn't that shocking. But I have no one and nothing left. I feel so isolated. I was her carer and my entire life surrounded her (when I ate - we ate together, when I slept - in her room, what I read - I would read to her etc.). I feel guilty about grieving and I wish I had someone in my life other than my abusive family.
I love listening to you talk about grief. It’s really comforting, thank you for sharing. I lost my mom five years ago and it’s coming up on three for my grandpa, I was one of the first of my friends to loose a parent as well. It’s weird because I’ve never really done the whole extended family holiday, so with them gone things changed. my mom and grandpa were both formal dinner party people, the thanksgiving after grandpa was gone, my dad, his cousin and I ate at a messy kitchen table. I had to tell my dad that it was important to me that we “dine” at thanksgiving. I still miss having dinner parties. The year my mom died, I restarted baking holiday cookies with one of her friends. It’s quite nice to be around people who knew my mom. I found my grief group to be quite comforting and still get together with them regularly. I wanted to make sure you’d heard of the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, started by a woman who lost her husband to cancer, it made me rethink how I talk about my grief and my emotions in general. I was told by a coworker once that I didn’t have to say my mom was dead, when I thought it was part of the plot to the story I was telling. This coworker had lost a brother, made me think about how people process and talk about things differently.
So much of this resonated with me, my dad died when I was 18, I've definitely struggled through my 20's with peers being on a different path. Thank you for making this ❤️
It is always inspiring how open you are and how much progress you have made. One of the things I really don't like is how I can't control who shows up in my dreams. Not even nightmares, just dead dad appearances that turn up uninvited. Like you I'm not a fan of phone calls but part of that is I just in general don't like being forced into situations where I don't know what to expect. Looking forward to the grief films video, lately I have been thinking about re-watching Three Colours Blue and that video might be enough to tip me over into actually doing it.
Ugh yes, the dreams always mess me up, sometimes for days. The worst for me is when it's a nice dream and I wake up and for a couple of seconds I still believe that he's alive and it was somehow a terrible 8 year misunderstanding. It's like I have to grieve all over again.
My dreams are that he’s come back from being dead for a small amount of time, fucks me up. I wake up sobbing each time. I’m so sorry y’all are going through this too
Lucky is the wrong word as I'd never have wished it on them, but it was fortunate for me that one of my best friends lost her dad a couple of years before me was able to induct me into the "Dead Dads Club". Sharing experiences has been the most valuable thing for me, whether through writing or talking to other young people who've been through the same, or engaging in online grief communities and I'm eternally grateful to people like you who are able to put stuff together like this. With regards to the holiday season (and anniversaries and milestones too) the best advice I've had was simply make space for them. Whether or not you do your usual traditions, or forge ahead and make new ones, or just sit it out - plan assuming that you will need extra time and space to do some processing . As part of that (and probably the most practical aspect of that) make sure the infrastructure you need is accessible. Already mid cry, full of roast dinner and beer? Not the time to be wrestling a memory box / book of remembrance / fragile family photo album off a high shelf! Love to all dealing with the fun and games of grief. x
22:42 I lost my grandfather about four years ago now (I think it's coming up on five, but as you've said many times, time is wierd around grief) and this was a very hard reality to accept - the loss is a part of me now, and it isn't going away. I always feel like whoever I'm talking to walks on eggshells whenever the subject even remotely comes up. This of course does nothing but bring it to the front of my mind because, as you said, there is never a moment when I'm not thinking about it, and it would've been better if they'd just let me talk about it or said something so I could move on in the conversation. The reverse of this that's also very frustrating is how I want nothing more than to talk about it! No one ever wants to bring it up for fear of sending me into what they think would be some kind of spiral, but the only spirals that do happen come from me bottling it up and ignoring it. As always thank you for a lovely video, Rosianna. The way you've documented and talked about your grief has been instrumental to me as I go through this wild journey myself, and I'm grateful that you continue to share your thoughts/processes with us.
I relate completely to the stuff about the “who I would’ve been” or the “what life might have been” stuff. When I was just 1 one of my brothers died aged 6, and it has caused the weirdest life long grief that I struggle with a lot. Constantly wondering who I would’ve been if he was around, wondering how my parents would be different or how my family would be different. It’s the strangest of feeling, particularly as I was so young, grieving for something I never really experienced and a life that might have been
I'm definitely not in the boat of having lost a parent, but a decent amount of this still rings true to the unexpected decline and loss of my grandma (with whom I share a birthday), as well as in some ways to relationship traumas I experienced in my late teens and early twenties. And even where things ring less true to me personally, the insights you've shared here are so valuable, particularly when it comes to self-talk, self-advocacy, and grace for yourself and for others. Thanks for making this.
Thank you Rosianna. I don't really know how to express how this video makes me feel - I guess in a way I found it really comforting and I appreciate you opening up and sharing your experiences and the ways that you have learned to cope with grief. I have not lost a parent but I have experienced loss and grief after the death of a loved one. Catastrophizing/incessant worrying about the people that I care about is something that I deal with a lot and can really relate to.
I really related to the stuff about phonecalls - me and my sister have a rule now that no matter what we call each other about, if the other one doesn't pick up, we immediately send a message saying what the call was for. Even if it is shitty news like "yep our granny has finally died just now, please ring me back whenever you get the chance." We made the attempt to call each other and we both know we would rather not have our minds go wild. I think grief has such a way of making you cut through the bullshit. I just wish it wasn't so hushed up and taboo. I'll admit I almost relish in casually saying "my mum's dead" when it comes up rather than "my mother passed away"... cause it's like a soft fuck you to the culture of tidying away grief and death. I think this grief-positive (?) movement has been amazing and I am so glad it was there for me right from the start of my journey. Sorry this is all a bit disjoint but I loved this video so much and thank you for making it.
Can you talk about your therapist and what makes them different from other therapists you've worked with? I had 3 sessions before COVID stopped them (I can't cope with virtual sessions) and am considering going back but I don't know how to tell if she's good, or if I should look for a different therapist.
before i was born my 3 month old sister died suddenly and i felt like growing up i witnessed her greif, and i would have to say my mom lost a kid when id make sure to check in my mom and text her "im alive" if i was out with friends. I even would take my friends phones and text their moms that they were ok if they had fallen asleep at my house. My sister wouldve been 29 this year and my mom still gets scared that we're dead if we dont answer her texts
I lost my dad this May and even though we had a very bad relationship and his death was expected, I still had a really, really rough time of it for the first month or so. Even though I needed A LOT (I was having trouble feeding myself and remembering to do basic tasks), I got very irritated by folks saying to let them know if I needed anything because I needed A LOT but was unsure how to straight-up ask for things without feeling guilty and was having a rough enough time trying to do anything that it was hard to reply to so many messages. I wished more people had just made specific offers as opposed to leaving things open-ended.
Sorry for your loss. Thatnk you for describing your experience, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this. What you're describing is very similar to how I've experienced the months after my dad died. He passed away in July. I needed a lot of help sorting out his belongings and moving everything out of his house. However, when friends told me "let me know if there's anything I can do" what they meant was "I'll try to free up an evening in the upcoming 2 weeks for us to chat". It is exhausting asking for help, especially if the type of help you need does not align with what others think you may need.
Lost my father ten months ago. Very unexpected and he was 54. He passed away within five days of his birthday. I was 26 then and going to turn 27 in a month. Didn’t get to say goodbye or anything. Was countries apart as well. Was numb for 6-7 months. Couldn’t feel anything even when I touched his ashes. Gradually the numbness faded.
For me, it's less about the fact that people will never know the me before grief, because I was a very depressed teen so I wasn't that fun then anyway.. it's more the fact that they'll never know my mum. I particularly often think about the fact that my future partner will never know my mum and that's so painful for me to imagine
My brother died when I was 17 and damn I would have needed shitmas back then. His death was a shitshow of entitled family members, christian fundamentalism and school colleagues accusing me of faking my brother's death to be excused from chemistry homework. Honestly thinking back now, I should probably write a comedic book about it.
bless your beautiful heart, Rosianna
:) thank you norwaytoast
I lost my mom when I was 16 and my dad at 22. I am still trying to work through grief and what that will look like for the rest of my life, but thank you for talking about this. Grief feels so isolating and this time of year is especially tough. Hearing others working through the same things is very encouraging ❤️ you are lovely, thank you Rosianna
My dad suddenly passed away when I was a junior in high school, 4 days before my 17th birthday. I also have difficulties dealing with life milestones. Each milestone (high school graduation, getting accepted into uni, graduating uni) is tinged by a sense of grief. It makes me wonder what my dad would have said or how proud he would have been. I know that he's proud but that doesn't even compare to seeing him again.
I could listen to you for hours, you have the most pleasant way of wording really complex concepts. You are an incredible person!
We lost dad at the end of October, he was 55. I can't stop thinking about how young he was and how he had all this things that he wanted to do. It breaks my heart because I'm nothing like him, I have been floating around without purpose for so long.
Right now we are doing all the paperwork and sadly some institutions have been really awful to us. They treat us like we are greedy for wanting the money (that my father worked really hard for) as soon as possible but the only thing we want right now is to feel secure again, and paying bills helps us out.
I feel you so deeply. My dad died last month and he was 60. 55 and 60 feel way too young, I’m so sorry that you’re in this pain. The paperwork is so much more than I could have ever imagined. Right now my mom who’s always been stay-at-home, is floating between whether or not she needs to work again because life insurance is taking forever to get back to us. You’re definitely not alone.
I spoke about this earlier this week too. I lost my Mum on th first day of advent 5 years after I lost my dad when I was young. Its crap but finding the happy bits can really help ❤️
Thank you for sharing your experience and these thoughts! My dad died in July 2014 - he was 73 at the time and I was 22, so it was a little early for him to leave but very early for me to lose him. It feels strange that he's been gone for six years already. In the beginning I felt numb and like what had happened hadn't actually happened; the fact that he lived a four-hour bus drive away from me and I hadn't seen him in person in seven months played a part in this I think. He and my mum also divorced when I was two and I was raised by my mum, so my dad always felt a little distant to me. We had become particularly distant from each other during my first years at university, and we were just beginning to become closer when he died - we had even made plans for him to visit my apartment for the first time, which then never happened. The last memory I have of him is standing together on my half-brother's balcony during our family's New Year's Eve party and putting my arm around him as we watched the fireworks. What you mentioned about being close to the underworld made me think of autumn 2016 when I for some unknown reason had a couple of weeks of intense existential crisis: I felt viscerally aware of my own mortality and immensely sad about it. I felt afraid to leave my apartment because what if that day was the day I'd die? The falling autumn leaves felt like an ever-present metaphor of the inevitability of death. All that disappeared as unexplainably as it had arrived and I've never been in a similar headspace since.
I lost my Dad when I was very young and there are lots of people who knew him longer than I did and they always say how much alike we are and that statement is often so difficult for me because I never get to know if that is actually true as I was just too young to know that then. So, I constantly think about that and if I might have been a different person if he was still here.
And yes, to everything you said about being anxious. The amount of horrible possibilities I have in my head of what could happen can sometimes get so overwhelming
I honestly appreciate how open you are about grief, it helps a lot.
It‘s been 22 years for me, yet I am not okay about it at all, but knowing that I will never be completely okay with it has been oddly comforting about that if that makes any sense
Thank you for this, and your other videos of grief. The feeling of solidarity and "being seen" that I've gotten from them has been potently soothing, even all these years after the loss. Thank you.
I lost my cousin, who was like a sister to me, this year out of nowhere and I’ve felt like no one understood my experience of grief but this has helped , so thank you
Rosianna, thank you for sharing this with such care, vulnerability and honesty. It is the most "seen" I've ever felt watching a video. My older brother died nearly two years ago (just before Christmas), he was 27 and I was 23. Before that I hadn't even lost a grandparent.
Everything you said... the loneliness, the terrible anxiety, the comments that sting, feeling like you're in a different world, people's reactions, everyone having lost someone different, the utter utter injustice of it all. And despite the universality of these things to those bereaved, it still doesn't always help to feel almost dismissed by a simple "yeah I know how you feel". Sometimes I wanted to shout "No of course you don't!".
I am sending so much love to all those who grieve around this time of year. If I can offer some small advice, it's to be prepared that other close family members may handle their grief differently, to accept that but to make your needs known.
Keep buggering on, pals. X
When I had to go through an agonising level of grief I found a great comfort in talking to those who didn't know me prior to the death. About six months after my loss I met someone on a plane on the way home. We had so many interests in common and I found talking to them all through that first Christmas was a very beneficial distraction. I haven't talked about grief with them yet, but if the topic came up I'd have no trouble talking about it. So it was like that significant portion of my life didn't exist, this person only knew the me that I presented to them in that moment. That along with the excitement of a new friend and the endless stuff we could chat about, kept me distracted and feeling quite okay over Christmas. There was a great comfort in just talking about easy things. Sharing songs we liked, talking about STUFF. The me who was getting through the day on auto pilot, the me who felt so lost and in so much pain, that part of me didn't exist so presently in these exciting and easy moments of conversation with a new friend.
Today is the anniversary of my father's passing, so I appreciate this a lot today
The way you speak about grief is so beautiful. I struggle with it so much and I feel like I'm listening to a friend when I watch your videos.
I've been watching your videos for so long now that I can remember you in the "before" and how much it struck me when I heard that your dad died. It was something I could barely grasp at the time but I felt sorrow with you. Then in 2009 my mother passed very suddenly and I understood your pain a bit more.
I'm someone who has been leaving the wolf of grief to howl at the door for 10 years now but I can finally say that I'm learning to let it in and let myself feel.
Thank you for what you have shared here because I can't overstress how important your words are for me at the beginning of this journey of processing to see how much progress in healing you have made. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing these things because I relate so deeply to your words and I know I'll come back to this video again. This has helped reinforce what I'm learning about letting yourself feel things and not thinking I need to be "strong" and hold it all in. Because as you know, that doesn't work.
Wishing you continuous healing and progress in your life. 💖
Always really appreciate your videos about grief and find them really cathartic. I lost my dad a few years prior to you but have often felt like we've been on this weird journey together within the community you've fostered so thank you for that! I find myself more than ever craving content surrounding grief so very much looking forward to your tv/film suggestions
My died died in august and i'm really struggling this holiday season... this whole video was so beautifully worded... you helped a lot :) thanks so much, lots of love 💕
My dad just died in November, it’s hard especially since Christmas was his favorite, just thought I’d chat since personally hearing others going through the same helps me (maybe it helps you too). Regardless of if you respond or not, I hope there’s some comfort in knowing you’re not alone 💖
I lost my dad almost a month ago and this video was so helpful. I subscribed to you a while ago not knowing about for father and seeing a familiar face in my sub box taking about something I felt so isolated in was so comforting. Thank you.
I lost my cousin unexpectedly a few months ago and every so often, completely unexpectedly, I will cry. And cry hard. This video was a welcome respite. Thank you.
This video was so incredibly moving. I have not experienced grief of a family member so it was good to watch so that I’m a bit more aware of what I say and be mindful that other people in my generation could be going through grief. Thank you so much for sharing.
I'm 24 and I lost my dad three months ago. Stuff like this is so helpful
I appreciate this video a lot. Thank you Rosianna. I've been watching you since before this sad thing happened to you, and then joined "the weird club" myself. We're the same age and it's been so helpful and cathartic to watch you carry on. Thanks for your candor and willingness to share with us. x
I appreciate your openness on social media so much and feel like I’ve learned so much from you over the last 10 years of following you.
Coming to this video a few months on. I have had two close friends who have lost parents this week and this has been such a helpful place and discussion. I've lost people but never someone so immediate. A lot of my anxiety centres on losing people and I've been trying to keep it from getting in the way of being there for my friends but it's been hard. Thank you so much for your openness. I've been following you since before your dad died and watching you over that time has been a sort of comfort - seeing you keep going gives me hope.
Love this. My dad passed away 16 years ago, when I was 16. So I am approaching being alive longer without my dad than I was with him. That’s not something I ever expected to happen
Same. I just reached that milestone too 💔
I lost my dad when I was 21, almost three years ago now and so much of what you said resonated with me, especially the isolating nature of experiencing this kind of grief when so few people in your age group are. Thank you for making this video, I think a lot of people are going to feel more connected and understood thanks to it
"It is a part of your life now" made me tear up because that is really it. Lost my grandpa earlier this year and the ongoing waves of grief have just been a part of it all and that the pain my family has gone through continues bc folks are losing family members to covid still which is just both angering and saddening that they have to go through those emotions as well.
thank you so much for this. I feel like you having an online presence and going through the same situation with fathers passing at a very similar time has given me strength. I have just reached out to people who have gone through similar situations or people who I have hurt when I had my walls up for the first few years after.
You will always have a place at my table and thank you for being so open and honest my entire face has pins and needles.
All the truths you spoke are universal with grief and all the comments here are so heartwarming. knowing my father saw all the hard times before the payoff career-wise and not the positives through those hardships will always break me.
Bless you and everyone going through the same.
Thank you I needed this :) x
I don't often comment on videos but I just wanted to say that I've been a subscriber for years (mostly for your excellent book opinions!) and while I've been aware of your experience with grief, I've avoided watching these particular videos as I hadn't experienced it myself and felt like I was intruding. My dad passed away very suddenly just over two months ago and you were one of the first youtubers I thought of that might be able to pass on some wisdom about it all. I haven't been able to read or do much of anything at all but recently, I've come around to the idea of watching content like this and listening to grief-related podcasts. I really enjoyed your video on books that helped you with your grief and in fact, I've taken a leaf out of your book and started my re-read of Harry Potter this morning. It was one of the books my Dad used to read to me as a kid so it feels oddly comforting right now. I'd really appreciate more videos, as you mentioned, on films and tv shows that may have helped you cope too.
All my best, and thank you for sharing all of this, Rosianna.
Thank you for your openness and honesty 🐇
This really helped. My Dad died in 2008 and my Mum died March of this year. I was very close to both of them, especially Mum. Mum suddenly got sick in January (she was totally fine before- apart from her underlining condition copd but she was quite active) and I was looking after her in and out of hospital and rehab facilities- I had the privilege of being with her throughout her treatments- was with her 24 hours a day. She really suffered. I keep getting flashbacks- and I have developed insomnia. Oh and I am stuck in NY with her dog lol My home is in the UK. I am finally going back to UK (with my dog) in January. I have been alone for a very long time.
I appreciate what you said about grief not having a time line. I often thought I should be getting over this by now because Mum died in March. But I just keep wanting to talk about it and I go over it- what if I did this? etc etc.
I didn't even realize how much I've been feeling grief this holiday season until I started watching this video. I lost both of my grandmothers in consecutive summers a few years ago and it was very... expected in both cases, so the grief I felt then was much more muted. I was also having big life things happening (moving to a big city/going to college one summer and then coming out of a bad depression and being in daily intensive therapy the next) so I think I kind of put the grief to the side after a few weeks and felt like I had processed it. And all of a sudden this year, it came back. One of my grandmothers would've been 100 this year, and because her mother lived to be 100 we had always assumed she would too, so this year it felt especially like we should've had these last five years with her. And my other grandmother had Alzheimer's, so even though she died in 2017 she had been pretty much gone since 2013, and the last time she was still healthy was in 2009 or so. And I feel so, so angry that I don't get to have her in my life as a young adult, or even when I was a teen. This year the grief of that injustice, I guess, really struck, even though I've been mourning that loss for years. And then over and over and over I've been feeling so much more pain over their deaths, more than I have since their funerals, and it really caught me off guard but I thought "oh I'm just extra emotional because of, y'know, everything." But I realized watching your video, I think I've just not processed their deaths at all, partially because they were my grandparents so I've always known one day I'd go through this, and because they were both sick and so I had a build-up to losing them that let me brace myself a bit, so it hurt less in the moment. But it's caught up to me, and I'm really feeling it (and trying to actually deal with it) now. It really sucks, and I'm so grateful for your openness about grief, more than ever.
Thank you for this. In the last year I've lost two very special people suddenly and tragically and I just feel like... no one GETS IT. I've been struggling to try and explain it to people. Add corona, and different countries and paperwork, all done in the dead of night. Anyway, thank you , thank you 🙏🏻
A video about film/tv about grief would be very welcome/appreciated!
Thank you for this. So many of these questions could have been asked by me haha. It's been 8 years for me, so I really appreciated your discussion of "well it's been 6 years, I should be better". I think the thing that's the hardest for me is the sense that my dad will never know an adult me and I'm never going to have an adult relationship with him. I've only ever known him as my dad and I wish I could have gotten to know him as a more complex person. But whereas you talk about how important it is to you to connect with people and tell them you love them, I find it really hard to be close to people. After all, I feel like they might die at any point, and I find it hard to open myself to the possibility of getting hurt like that again.
Thank you for your vulnerability. I remember watching your videos from before your dad died. I’ve been following your journey (at least the one you put out publicly) and all the progress you’ve made is inspirational. I learn something new about myself from you all the time. Thank you for sharing this space with me and making me feel less lonely throughout these years.
This was an excellent video, and was so calming to me, thank you xx
I haven't experienced loss through death in the same way, but I am experiencing (unfortunately a very necessary) estrangement and recovery from a lot of rough stuff and this was still so helpful/soothing for me.
Thank you so much for your videos Rosianna
My granny died in my arms 3 weeks ago. We've lived together for the last 7 years. My family are quite abusive(there is only my parents and 2 siblings left) and I don't have a single friend because of my social anxiety so she was the person I was closest to. I feel like people don't think my level or length of grief is warranted because she was older and I feel embarrassed being so broken because losing a grandparent at my age isn't that shocking. But I have no one and nothing left. I feel so isolated. I was her carer and my entire life surrounded her (when I ate - we ate together, when I slept - in her room, what I read - I would read to her etc.). I feel guilty about grieving and I wish I had someone in my life other than my abusive family.
I love listening to you talk about grief. It’s really comforting, thank you for sharing. I lost my mom five years ago and it’s coming up on three for my grandpa, I was one of the first of my friends to loose a parent as well. It’s weird because I’ve never really done the whole extended family holiday, so with them gone things changed. my mom and grandpa were both formal dinner party people, the thanksgiving after grandpa was gone, my dad, his cousin and I ate at a messy kitchen table. I had to tell my dad that it was important to me that we “dine” at thanksgiving. I still miss having dinner parties. The year my mom died, I restarted baking holiday cookies with one of her friends. It’s quite nice to be around people who knew my mom.
I found my grief group to be quite comforting and still get together with them regularly. I wanted to make sure you’d heard of the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, started by a woman who lost her husband to cancer, it made me rethink how I talk about my grief and my emotions in general. I was told by a coworker once that I didn’t have to say my mom was dead, when I thought it was part of the plot to the story I was telling. This coworker had lost a brother, made me think about how people process and talk about things differently.
So much of this resonated with me, my dad died when I was 18, I've definitely struggled through my 20's with peers being on a different path. Thank you for making this ❤️
I lost my dad at 18 too ❤️
It is always inspiring how open you are and how much progress you have made.
One of the things I really don't like is how I can't control who shows up in my dreams. Not even nightmares, just dead dad appearances that turn up uninvited.
Like you I'm not a fan of phone calls but part of that is I just in general don't like being forced into situations where I don't know what to expect.
Looking forward to the grief films video, lately I have been thinking about re-watching Three Colours Blue and that video might be enough to tip me over into actually doing it.
Ugh yes, the dreams always mess me up, sometimes for days. The worst for me is when it's a nice dream and I wake up and for a couple of seconds I still believe that he's alive and it was somehow a terrible 8 year misunderstanding. It's like I have to grieve all over again.
My dreams are that he’s come back from being dead for a small amount of time, fucks me up. I wake up sobbing each time. I’m so sorry y’all are going through this too
I'm so thankful for your content Rosianna. I haven't lost my dad, but I almost did last June. I cry whenever I think about it.
Take care x
Lucky is the wrong word as I'd never have wished it on them, but it was fortunate for me that one of my best friends lost her dad a couple of years before me was able to induct me into the "Dead Dads Club". Sharing experiences has been the most valuable thing for me, whether through writing or talking to other young people who've been through the same, or engaging in online grief communities and I'm eternally grateful to people like you who are able to put stuff together like this.
With regards to the holiday season (and anniversaries and milestones too) the best advice I've had was simply make space for them. Whether or not you do your usual traditions, or forge ahead and make new ones, or just sit it out - plan assuming that you will need extra time and space to do some processing .
As part of that (and probably the most practical aspect of that) make sure the infrastructure you need is accessible. Already mid cry, full of roast dinner and beer? Not the time to be wrestling a memory box / book of remembrance / fragile family photo album off a high shelf!
Love to all dealing with the fun and games of grief. x
22:42 I lost my grandfather about four years ago now (I think it's coming up on five, but as you've said many times, time is wierd around grief) and this was a very hard reality to accept - the loss is a part of me now, and it isn't going away. I always feel like whoever I'm talking to walks on eggshells whenever the subject even remotely comes up. This of course does nothing but bring it to the front of my mind because, as you said, there is never a moment when I'm not thinking about it, and it would've been better if they'd just let me talk about it or said something so I could move on in the conversation.
The reverse of this that's also very frustrating is how I want nothing more than to talk about it! No one ever wants to bring it up for fear of sending me into what they think would be some kind of spiral, but the only spirals that do happen come from me bottling it up and ignoring it.
As always thank you for a lovely video, Rosianna. The way you've documented and talked about your grief has been instrumental to me as I go through this wild journey myself, and I'm grateful that you continue to share your thoughts/processes with us.
I relate completely to the stuff about the “who I would’ve been” or the “what life might have been” stuff. When I was just 1 one of my brothers died aged 6, and it has caused the weirdest life long grief that I struggle with a lot. Constantly wondering who I would’ve been if he was around, wondering how my parents would be different or how my family would be different. It’s the strangest of feeling, particularly as I was so young, grieving for something I never really experienced and a life that might have been
I lost my mom when I was 21. Thank you for this ❤️
I'm definitely not in the boat of having lost a parent, but a decent amount of this still rings true to the unexpected decline and loss of my grandma (with whom I share a birthday), as well as in some ways to relationship traumas I experienced in my late teens and early twenties. And even where things ring less true to me personally, the insights you've shared here are so valuable, particularly when it comes to self-talk, self-advocacy, and grace for yourself and for others. Thanks for making this.
Thank you Rosianna. I don't really know how to express how this video makes me feel - I guess in a way I found it really comforting and I appreciate you opening up and sharing your experiences and the ways that you have learned to cope with grief. I have not lost a parent but I have experienced loss and grief after the death of a loved one. Catastrophizing/incessant worrying about the people that I care about is something that I deal with a lot and can really relate to.
I really related to the stuff about phonecalls - me and my sister have a rule now that no matter what we call each other about, if the other one doesn't pick up, we immediately send a message saying what the call was for. Even if it is shitty news like "yep our granny has finally died just now, please ring me back whenever you get the chance." We made the attempt to call each other and we both know we would rather not have our minds go wild.
I think grief has such a way of making you cut through the bullshit. I just wish it wasn't so hushed up and taboo. I'll admit I almost relish in casually saying "my mum's dead" when it comes up rather than "my mother passed away"... cause it's like a soft fuck you to the culture of tidying away grief and death. I think this grief-positive (?) movement has been amazing and I am so glad it was there for me right from the start of my journey.
Sorry this is all a bit disjoint but I loved this video so much and thank you for making it.
Loving these vlogs, Rosianna.
Can you talk about your therapist and what makes them different from other therapists you've worked with? I had 3 sessions before COVID stopped them (I can't cope with virtual sessions) and am considering going back but I don't know how to tell if she's good, or if I should look for a different therapist.
Thank you for this.
Thank you for this ❤️
god i needed this christmas always hurts so much
before i was born my 3 month old sister died suddenly and i felt like growing up i witnessed her greif, and i would have to say my mom lost a kid when id make sure to check in my mom and text her "im alive" if i was out with friends. I even would take my friends phones and text their moms that they were ok if they had fallen asleep at my house. My sister wouldve been 29 this year and my mom still gets scared that we're dead if we dont answer her texts
I lost my dad this May and even though we had a very bad relationship and his death was expected, I still had a really, really rough time of it for the first month or so. Even though I needed A LOT (I was having trouble feeding myself and remembering to do basic tasks), I got very irritated by folks saying to let them know if I needed anything because I needed A LOT but was unsure how to straight-up ask for things without feeling guilty and was having a rough enough time trying to do anything that it was hard to reply to so many messages. I wished more people had just made specific offers as opposed to leaving things open-ended.
Sorry for your loss. Thatnk you for describing your experience, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this. What you're describing is very similar to how I've experienced the months after my dad died. He passed away in July. I needed a lot of help sorting out his belongings and moving everything out of his house. However, when friends told me "let me know if there's anything I can do" what they meant was "I'll try to free up an evening in the upcoming 2 weeks for us to chat". It is exhausting asking for help, especially if the type of help you need does not align with what others think you may need.
what you said about how unfairness really hit home.
This was so touching
Thank you so much rosianna, this helped me feel so many things I was afraid of!
As Chris Rock said: 'You get used to it but you never get over [the death of a loved one].
Lost my father ten months ago. Very unexpected and he was 54. He passed away within five days of his birthday. I was 26 then and going to turn 27 in a month. Didn’t get to say goodbye or anything. Was countries apart as well. Was numb for 6-7 months. Couldn’t feel anything even when I touched his ashes. Gradually the numbness faded.
For me, it's less about the fact that people will never know the me before grief, because I was a very depressed teen so I wasn't that fun then anyway.. it's more the fact that they'll never know my mum. I particularly often think about the fact that my future partner will never know my mum and that's so painful for me to imagine
Also, I'm sorry I forgot to say thank you for this video! I relate to so much of what you said. I really appreciate you posting this!
My brother died when I was 17 and damn I would have needed shitmas back then. His death was a shitshow of entitled family members, christian fundamentalism and school colleagues accusing me of faking my brother's death to be excused from chemistry homework. Honestly thinking back now, I should probably write a comedic book about it.
This sadly could not have come to a better time
you keep saying it is something 'you' go through, but wouldn't you rather say it is something you go with? the rest of your words say this to me
You are really really brave Rossiana. ❤️
❤️
♥️♥️♥️
So beautiful, inside and out
That's why I feel why should I bother to have kids, I'm not going to be there with them after they become middle age.