I agree and I also feel that hatred and anger are different. I think from my experience as the fsg 4 years no contact the righteous anger we feel is just one component of our disenfranchised grief. I feel that Hate also encompasses resentment, (righteous anger), fear, bitterness, resentment, we want them to hurt (I did before but now I’ve moved to a different place and still processing) and disgust etc to name a few but that’s just my opinion and I could be wrong. I think all those things have a bit of anger in them too … love to you ❤
If a stranger subjected you to these things no one would dream of telling you to forgive them, have compassion etc. Nobody has to forgive anyone if they don’t want to.
Very true and I might add that the consensus would be that you should never get anywhere near that person again. But if the abuser is a parent it’s more like, “Stay around indefinitely with a humble & respectful willingness to submit to any unprovoked foolishness they can cook up because you undoubtedly did something to deserve it even if you did nothing to deserve it.”
Indeed, premature forgiveness sent me right back into torture. It happened several times, and the abuse got only worse. I have died many times in the family cult filled with emotional incest. Mary, your words are validating; YOU BRAVE!!! Thank you 😘😘
Oh God the emotional incest is the worst.It is covert and nobody believes you since it is considered Love. It is just subconcious sexual abuse...its sick and not done to a child. A child is a child and not your parent or partner.
Please give your self grace. You had hope that they would change, they would recognize their wrong. Just like most of us. I mean they're our parents for goodness sakes. It's not supposed to be this way. You weren't done yet. But when you were done. You were done. You got to your enough. And you got to that point. That along with learning and understanding what was really going on. ♥️
Thank you for saying this about premature forgiveness. This is what I experienced, too, unfortunately. They took advantage of it and it puffed them up even more.
Yes. Many of these sick abusers will see a willingness to let bygones be bygones as *weakness* and an invitation to abuse all day long *without consequences* I see “forgiveness* as a biblical /religious and possibly spiritual construct that I don’t subscribe to as even being a thing, really. The part about forgiveness being for “you” I particularly see as a myth & a good way to give yourself a swift kick in the teeth. If someone is willing to let bygones be bygones that is huge & magnanimous & again I would want to be very selective & judicious in offering that to a malignant type abuser. But this is just what has worked for me.
Repressed anger=depression. You HAVE TO express it or you'll bring misery onto yourself. Doesn't mean you should start screaming at people who don't want to listen to you anyway, but it does mean disconnecting from the source of your pain and finding emotional help from professionals, God, supportive friends and partners. Letting go of abusive people is vital for emotional survival!
Absolutely spot on and I can attest to all of this because I lived it-I used to be on all kinds of antidepressants and Ativan-I went off of everything in the past two years and I'm also going through menopause. I've learned to let my anger out-and I've improved tremendously. Stop beating yourselves up for a valid emotion and work it out in a gym or other form of exercise. Speak your minds, stop worrying about what anyone thinks, live your truth. Is it terrifying? Absolutely authentic living is not for the faint of heart-is it life affirming and soul saving? One million percent.
❤ Thank you for speaking out on this... naming the attempted murder, too... thank you for your lovely empathetic way of speaking and sharing your own experiences... this makes me feel less lonely, makes me aware that there are more people who suffered this.
This realization cured my depression of 15 years after being a scapegoated child of a covert narcissist mother. I'm not saying it's like that for everybody but for me depression is repressed anger.
There’s a smash room where i live. You pay to break stuff to release anger. Felt amazing. I broke Tv a bunch of glasses plates large things small things…Left with cuts all over myself because I went crazy in there😂
Yes, I hate my parents for the fact that I didn't get the opportunity for the education I wanted to achieve.😢I will never be able to live the life I want because of the lack of education and emotional stability 😢
Something that really did my head in for a long time was that I thought losing my temper was a psychopathic trait. I thought every time I got in an argument that I had inherited my father's twisted nature. I felt so guilty for feeling negativity towards others and any time I felt aggressive it would send me into fits of desperate pleasing and submission. I think I was in my mid 30s when a doctor explained to me that the distinction is made in regards to empathy, not our own emotions. I wasn't a psychopath, I hated my father and felt rage against people who were abusive because I was a normal personality exposed to extreme mistreatment, in which case my feelings were appropriate. The lightbulb went on for me that despite feeling such intense animosity, I'd never actually DONE what my father did, never attacked physically, gaslighted, manipulated, triangulate, sabotaged, or went on smear crusades. Still, even now I wouldn't express my hate outside this community. It isn't understood.
Same situation with my father and now I am self aware to understand.. I get triggered by aggressive entitled toxic people..I have to walk away … I also cannot be friends with passive aggressive women or men ..so a have just a few friends and it works well for me now ❤
Yes in my 50s I finally began to allow myself to let the hatred flow for the people who heaped upon me a variety of physical and non-physical abuse, all my life. (Not sharing this with the abusers of course). Feeling so much better to accept my feelings as valid and welcomed.
I did not nor do not hate my parents. In fact, I loved them despite their behavior which was extremely difficult. However, I remember confiding in a long-time friend who I looked up to and trusted. This lady was a minister and while she seemed to empathize with my pain, I attended a service at her church and she spoke of forgiveness and even used an example of people who hate their parents. 😲 This was one of many examples of betrayal from people who somehow think they are well-meaning but are far from trauma informed. We have to be so careful who we share these difficult feelings with - whether it's anger, bitterness, resentment, or even hatred. There is no shame there. The perpetrators are the ones who have behaved shamefully and not held accountable, but are coddled and excused.
I haven't found love and hate to be mutually exclusive for me. Both exist and both are valid. I keep myself safe both by compassionately understanding their experience and also by passionately hating what they chose to do to me
THANK YOU ! The immediate reaction is always "it's probably nothing, we only have one mother, reconcialiate with her". NO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT HATEFUL B. EVER AGAIN AND I HATE HER FOR WHAT SHE DID TO ME. YOU DON'T KNOW. How to say that nicely ? I feel intense shame, and I feel like a failure everytime I have to say I am no contact. They do not get it unless I start to talk about her very disturbing behaviour, and I don't want that either. I don't want pity and I don't want to be stuck in a victim mentality. My so-called mother was a bully and wanted nothing more than being perceived as a victim and a martyr. I do not want to be like her. What I crave is honesty and normalcy. I can have an honest conversation about her, but unfortunately it will not be a normal one.
YES!!! I resent my parents for making me friendly with EVERYONE even though we brush shoulders with people with nefarious and malicious goals every day. In the same way, I've learned that I can't be friendly with these people (parents), even if theyre my blood. Their values and behaviors... they're not entitled to my attention and kidness. I'm here to say no contact is a FINE response to people who act in a harmful way towards you. No contact changed my life and the way i feel about myself forever.
@@toericabaker Same, no contact at first was painful. Now I reckon it changed my life for the better. I still have hate sometimes in my heart. At least that hate is no longer directed toward me but toward my abuser.
This is an excellent video Mary, thank you for your bravery in addressing this topic, well done! I carried so much hatred for my mother, then when she died my sister took over the role of queen of the world and she too, taught me how to hate her. Hatred is such a heavy, energy consuming emotion to carry. I realize now I've used it as a defense mechanism. Granted it was very real when my mom was alive but, now it's exhausting to carry it. No one is worth carrying that much energy for.
Just watch a few parole hearings of DV abusers denying their acts and the spouse showing up to forgive them and give supportive comments, if you want extra reasons why its ok to hate your parents. These people have kids... that could be you.
No one should hate anyone. Tou can hate their actions but forgiveness is vital to moving on even if they don't seek forgiveness. It's better for your mental health.
Thank you Mary!!! It is unacceptable the way we are further abused & traumatized by societies disgusting ignorance. It is abuse. More abuse. And to go along with that makes us abuse ourselves. It's horrific, and I'll never allow that in my life again. Our shit is insanely painful enough without that judgement b.s. Again, thank you. I think you might be very brave and strong in your healing journey to share this, but you're helping so many people I have no doubt. ❤
Also, fwiw, UA-cam videos have given me better support than any therapist I've had. And I've shopped hard core to find one familiar with narcissistic abuse. It went horribly.
Thank you! Such a long healing journey. I don’t know if I will ever forgive them. Now I am ok with that something’s are unforgivable. And it’s ok for me. I needed this 35 years ago. So grateful for this now.
Thank you so much for this video. I too have believed in and allowed myself to hate my parents for all the trauma they put me through. It was the first step in my grieving process to eventually forgive them. I have never heard anyone say publicly that this is okay. It definitely is part of the process of healing. I appreciate your wonderful work❤️
A great thing my current counselor, experienced in domestic violence, talked about was the anger iceberg. Anger is just the tip of the iceberg of so many other emotions, often grief and disappointment and rejection. And we do need to validate ourselves for having these reactions and try to forgive ourselves, if not the narcissistic family.
You’re an absolutely amazing person, thank you for making this video. I’m 22 years old and have been going no contact with my family for 2 years. This video has helped me feel less alone with this experience. Thank you soo much
If you hate them, you realize they were just never your parents and moreover were never eager to be...They knew they were actors playing their own soapoper. Thank You!!:))!!👍🌷🌞🍀💫
I was a child of a narcissist parent, who had pretty much robbed me of my self-worth, I was homeless with him for a very long time in the past, and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to get out of that situation and I was lucky to have known the people that supported me and helped me with that process. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet, they thought I was a gift from grandma that passed away, I genuinely felt that I would belong with them and I thought they felt same way, but unfortunately, I guess they didn’t. What seemed like a gift from the universe, just turned into something that only contributed to my psychological and emotional wounds, I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they were to live with, and how conditional their love and regard was towards me, their love was like a benchmark, I couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am, I would hear a family member say “But he wasn’t raised that way!” “Oh it’s just gonna take time.” …and had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved, and if I wouldn’t, then it’s basically ‘bye peace out can’t live with your family’. I can still remember how my aunt was like “You’ve been going on 3 months!!” It’s just unfair to me how my upbringing pretty much got robbed by a narcissist father and is something no kid should ever have to go through, while my fully related brother got to have what they called a ‘privileged life’. My aunt didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and was like “why not come stay here?”. She would ask me “What are the advantages that you think you have of being here?” but in my mind I’m like ‘I didn’t come here just so I can gain some kind of material advantages or benefits, I came to have a life here with my family just like any other kid would’. I told her “I don’t know” , and she replied “then why did you come live with us honey?” I had unfortunately received some invalidating comments from others that I’ve tried to speak to about my trauma, they’ve said things like “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and another person said “you don’t seem to realize that you’re wanting a warped and distorted image of your family by wanting a life there with them.” lol, and he called me a “poster child of emotional immaturity”. Even a former friend who I thought would always be validating of my experience, ended up invalidating me and said “Well they raised your brother! They raised him and not you so he’s their kid!” and he laughed at me, and I’ve basically been labeled as having some kind of “sense of entitlement”. This has all put me in a constant endless loop of rumination. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere. They treated me as equally as their 2 boys… I wanted that with my brother… every other kid gets to have a family home life with their families and their siblings, I believe it is the most basic thing a kid can have… but I can’t? I’m not supposed to?… I have had someone that recognized the validity of my feelings though, and that person said “how on earth can you not be allowed just the same if not more”. I just wanted a life there with my family… why would that be a bad or wrong or reprehensible thing? I can’t believe that, I went through that whole process, of getting away from my father, and finally got to go be with my extended family after my whole life of them not being in my life and going through a nightmarish life with a narcissist father, only for it to, pretty much, backfire? all because, they ‘raised my brother and not me’. They bought a condo and now my brother is living in it for free… we never chose our parents, and I never chose this life… To me every kid or young person is supposed to receive the most basic human needs that their families can provide, like love, care, treatment, family home nest etc. but I feel like my family denies and rejects me of all that just because they raised my sibling and they never raised me.
Thank you for your content. You have such peace and a gentleness that gives me great hope for my own recovery. Thank you for sharing all of this great advice and validation especially. ❤
Hi Mary Thank you once again for your wonderful and freeing talk. I am no longer in the grief of being abused as a scapegoat by narcissistic people THANKS TO YOUR APPEARANCE ON MY UA-cam. I am now , at 71, trying to process my tortured scapegoat life with my STAND ALONE Christianity. I listen to people like Jesus, Pastor Joel Osteen and the books of Pastor Robert Schuller. I know what you are saying and it is healing me. However, as part of my FAITH, I now expect gross behaviours from people who will not admit they are mentally ill. Therefor, I am ready with confident healthy ascertive responses which are neither aggressive or passive. THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN MARY.
I appreciate what you say. And I think there are some on this feed expressing, along with an imagined superior form of condescension, a sadistic desire to shame. I ran into too much of that in my life. I am still working on myself.
I honestly don't know why you should not let your parents know that you hate them. Except, every time I have tried, it seems they want me to logically prove that I feel that way... Maybe emotions can lead you astray, but on the other hand, processing them without it having an effect on the world is so scary
I think that having a child makes a person who suffered abuse in childhood look at the harm of abuse and dysfunction. I learned at a relatively young age that it was necessary to permanently severe ties with family. I think the most obvious reason is because those type of individuals stay ignorant and don’t have the ability or desire to change. There is no way I would subject a child of mine to such dangerous behaviors. At no time did I ever feel bad about my decision to terminate family relationships.
Still grappling with the concept that before we were born we 'chose' our parents. Still trying to work out why I selected those experiences. I hope one day I will make all the ends meet and find reconciliation within myself with regards to my physical life and my emotional/spiritual life/values. When you don't really know who you were supposed to be it is hard to find who you really are. I get that I might have been hard to manage when I was young, but it didn't excuse them for the cruel methods, physical violence, emotional torture, lack of direction, interest or input to show me a better way. I feel like I was raised amongst wolves. The only way I have managed is to cut out all my memories and walk into the nothingness and hope like anything that my own compass will take me where I need to go... come what may. These days, I am way more kinder and compassionate to myself and others because I actually don't know how else to be or what I am supposed to do to be a proper person. No specific outcome is my motto these days. Like Thomas Edison trying 10,000 times to invent the light bulb!!!!!
this is a story, not reality. a lot of the time we are told metaphysical nonsense that keeps us denying reality and blaming ourselves for magical fairyland nonsense that absolutely did not happen
If you didn’t get your needs met ( including boundaries violation) you would have felt many emotions, anger, rage, sadness, guilt ect. A child may feel it was “bad” and responsible for its treatment as it needs its parents to survive. This is where survivors guilt comes in. Guilt is nearly almost involved. To survive you repressed this and created ego defences to “hide” your pain. The people pleaser is the classic false personality/ ego defence.Anger and rage is normal, it has to be fully experienced in recovery. It’s really initially not about your parents it’s about YOU. Intellectualising about them ect comes much much latter.
I had a stroke (occipital) a little over two months ago. I’m still recovering and taking physical/occupational therapy for it. Despite this, both my self-absorbed Boomer parents made it about themselves. My so-called father even said, “I don’t care if he lives or dies!” and never at any point asked how my situation was (even now). Instead, said parent made mention of some drinking buddy during my initial recovery, implying that his situation was more important. My self-absorbed mother kept recounting these past stories with said father (that weren’t all that pleasant to me). Despite my telling her to stop, she continued, leading me to ban her from my hospital room AND the hospital. Neither parent even acknowledged what they did. I have no love for either parent.
Thank you for putting this together, for it to be out there, expanding awareness. At this moment in time, based on my experiences with therapists, counselors and coaches that the field of “therapy” is blind to their own cowardly drives. Seems to me that we are caught up in comfort seeking and victimhood, almost like we worship it. If I’m right, it makes sense to me that no one faces the uncomfortable truths of life, at all and that keeps us on the therapy hampster wheel. Making us forever patients, great business models let alone supply. Another note about cowards(for lack of a better, more comfortable word) they demand conformity. There is no effort to big in making everyone around them conform to their point of view, they never hesitate to ask themselves if they are seeing things clearly, or acknowledge their subjective experience. Now put that person in charge of raising you, educating you, your mental and physical health as well governance. If you were raised by these people, it seems we are doomed to be attracted to them because it is what we know, I’m yet to have done a single theraputic or spiritual modality that is effective in healing this. I’ve become far more aware but it has come at the cost of my capacity to deal with things day in and day out filtering through that much information second by second. I appreciate what you’re doing and opening this conversation. I only hope I added to the conversation for the better.
I think it is important to differentiate between a child part of us that hates its parents and the healthy Self that we all have that can come to the understanding that they were just acting out from the stories their parents gave them. We need to witness and validate the child part who hates, but not let it become who we are as we will end up stuck in bitterness, victimhood and blaming. We need to love and reparent this child so it can heal, allow it to feel the hatred but not get stuck in the hatred and blaming. This doesn't mean premature forgiveness or lack of boundaries though.
I hate my narc parents. BUT.... as I have been no contact for more time, I find that the original "hate" fades more and more into apathy, a lot of indifference. As long as I stay no contact the bitterness fades after some time. Maybe not completely, but it's certainly not the raw hatred I feel when in contact with them. That's why I'm a big proponent of NO CONTACT because it's better for us and ultimately it's better for them. Narc parents do nothing but act out their toxic personality traits when we are in contact. When not in contact they either have to find another target, or sit with themselves. It's best for us for them to find another target, and it's best for them, healthier for them, to sit with themselves instead of acting out their disordered personality traits. No contact gives us the space and time to heal ourselves without interference.
Yes, I agree, we need professionals who can hold space for us and are trauma-informed. Ultimately, though, only the power of God can fully heal this level of damage. God sent his only son to die on the cross for us, he can set us free from this evil and heal our hearts and our souls. He will help us heal the child in us that had no way to escape.
My abusers was mostly my older brother and once in a while my other brother and some of my relatives liked to shame me for not being capable to do certain very simple things. I got picked on by my younger brother and my older brother one time so bad that I thought of jumping off the second floor balcony and killing myself. I put all of this behind me and I have no bitterness towards them, I just don’t want to be around them anymore. I had some naked pictures on the net and they made such a big deal about it, my cousin Brenda is like her mom was, angry and likes to shame people. Not very Christian in my opinion but I don’t really care about them anymore because I am happier away from them. I have two great cousins and they are both sweet ladies, but I don’t see them because we live far apart from each other. I am perfectly happy with my one cousin, my brother and an older male cousin thinking that I am going to be sent to hell, because I know that God loves me. I could say a lot more about “their sins” but I just don’t care about them anymore lol. As far as my ex wife if she wants to confront me I will tell her to her face that I am happier being alone. I am not going to lie about how I feel now than when I was married to her. Like your videos they are interesting and helpful to me thanks.
Could both me and my Mom have been scapegoated by my father, I remember that he was always shouting at her and putting her down. Ialways felt that I had a close relationship with her? If I think back it was him and my brothers that were against me
Yes, if you think about there time before you existed and were the scapegoat most likely your mother was the chosen one. My mum did a rumpelstiltskin as in she sacrificed her second born to be my father’s one scapegoat. Keep fighting, keep healing ❤️🩹 I support you.
Don't hate my parents maybe I should? but I do really despise the hypocrisy my narcissistic father has. He makes my life hell and he does nothing but bully me and treats me less than I can't stand to be around his toxic double standard ass he brings the worse out in me. He gets off on bullying, neglect, silent treatment, gaslighting!
Were our parents also scapegoat children? This keeps me from hating them...I don't think normal people set out to scapegoat a child. For me, it's more anger than anything else....anger at it all.
I had a rubbish relationship with both parents, but they both had rubbish relationships with theirs. Dad never talked about his parents. They died when I was 5, I don't remember them. Mother's father died before I was born. Surviving Nan and my mother was distant. Nan died when I was 10, I had no connection with her. Parents provided bodily but emotionally, no. I never measured up, Dad wished I'd been eliminated. Did they try to get me aborted? Wasn't legal at that time.
Yes, my mother was scapegoated and in turn scapegoated me however I could never do this to anyone let alone a child. We have conscious choice and control over our actions. You can tell they know what they’re doing is wrong because they act differently in public. They hide their viciousness outside the family.
@@MMMC-z8y I had a daughter and raised her on my own. I was a helicopter mom, proudly. No one and I mean no one, family or otherwise was going to mess with my kid....I went the other direction. Was I perfect no but, the minute I became a mother something switched on within me. I was fearless and for sure there were people that didn't like me.....what did I care, by them I'd become used to it.... I send my daughter some if this material to help her better understand me and, it does. She lives in a beautiful home with a guy who loves her and, more than anything else, she loves her mom and I love her. I had her at almost 43 as a last ditch effort to have someone of my own. Imagine when I was carrying her times that I felt unworthy of her. That is how beaten down my psyche had become... She has made all the difference as have people like Wayne Dyer and many of the great thinkers of the past whose books I devoured. I also read an immense number of autobiographies to learn how others manoeuvred their lives.....that's how I survived. I love all of you here, I totally understand the no win of it all....and I have so much compassion for our childhoods and having survived them. We did good. ♥️
Ijust want to point out, with great respect for your work, that NPD and psycopathy are not the same thing. the are frequently comorbid but they are absolutely different. In addition, narcissistic traits are common in many mental illnesses and do not necessarily indicate either narcissism or psycopathy. Words matter ❤
I am of the mind set I'd your child hates what you have done then your doing your job right. When my 3 told me they hated me I said good but I still love you.
And this is how abuse get repeated across generation... I strongly disagree with your first sentence. Saying to your child that you will love them no matter what is good. This is not however what you are teaching your child. Which one of your parent taught you that ? This is wrong. This parent conflated hate and love and now this is what your child is learning from you. What a way to minimize a child's feeling and possible experience of abuse. Even if you don't mistreat them, your mixed language about love and hate can lead them down the path to be with an abuser in future relationship. Because their feelings don't matter, and hate is in fact love according to your family. I don't think this is what you want.
I respectfully disagree. She touched on a topic that is very taboo. It can make a lot of people uncomfortable but people should be more aware that is a normal reaction to abuse. What is abnormal is the abuse, not the feeling of hate that result.
Don't know how you managed to leave your Family without suffering depression. I feel there is always a blood tie with Family regardless... Its not Always Psychopathic..but mixed messages with some good times. This leaves me stuck and confused .
I have read that prebirth we choose our parents. We choose certain challenges to be born into to see if we can handle them. Just the way David Goggins chooses in this life to be a Navy SEAL and an Army Ranger and an ultra marathoner. Now that I am 74, I survived a dysfunctional family and an estrangement from them. I pretend that I am David Goggins and keep on doing something productive every day. I don't give into sentimental mawkish rubbish about tv families or white Christmas's. I don't interfere with my family members' life challenges. They will succeed better without me. So I don't hate my parents. I am grateful that I survived dreadful parenting which in post famine and post civil war in Ireland, was not their fault. A few days before my father died he apologised to me for not doing enough for me. It was surreal and it validated all the challenges I had chosen in a galaxy far far away. Do not despair. Like David Goggins, you signed up for it. Expect and embrace lonliness. No need for TV fake families. Your pre destined challenges and estrangements will take you on excellent adventures. Love your chats, Mary.
you can choose to believe this but it sounds like magical thinking and some kind of bypassing to me. be careful of gaslighting yourself with stories about metaphysical stuff that can be twisted to distort reality
Thanks for validating. I wish there would be a kind of court where you can divorce your family. Also what I find an annoying message from society is that say that you should understand your 'parents' because they probably had a rough childhood themselves. This is so damaging to us victims. Because then abusers will never be hold accountable.
it disturbs me how and why people reproduce and what that means for the people involved. the fact that children are created from sex. the reasons people have children. the roles within the "family". it's all so perverse imo. there is so much unspoken about it, so many energy dynamics that are kept hidden and not admitted to or acknowledged. i think romantic relationships should be entirely separated out from "parenthood". children are not an extension of their parents, they're their own individuals. parents don't own children. i like the idea of sterilising the concept/act of bringing new children into the world, almost like instead of a womb it should be in a lab. it's disgusting to me that women who are pregnant go on about their lives the way they did before, eating god knows what, having sex, orgasms, etc, and that's normalised. that they let the man anywhere near them sexually when they have a literal child in their bodies that they're supposed to be protecting. there is no "the beauty of nature" in it because humanity is severely corrupted and twisted and gross. in an ideal state and world, sure, a person could be able to reproduce without it being perverse at all, just unconditionally loving towards the child, etc. but that is currently not the case for almost anyone. like it makes me sick to think of how it all works and plays out. think about the average woman's habits and lifestyle choices. they're CREATING THE BODY of the being growing inside them, everything they do impacts the child, a being with its own subjective experience, soul, etc... parents absolutely are abusers. there are no parents who should not be seen as abusers because all people who have children absolutely do intentionally take actions that they know are suboptimal that will harm their child. LAB GROWN KIDS 2124. let's get eugenics going too. genetically engineer a superior humanity, completely dismantle the "family" framework, optimise physicality. there are no parents and children, there are just individuals. nature is fundamentally beautiful but humanity has corrupted and inverted it into a monstrosity. let's get back to intentional design. new garden of eden, disneyworld, vegan utopia.
Not ok to hate your parents at all Jesus instructs us to forgive for a reason.. he says that when we don't, He releases the tormentors (demons) on us The 4th commandment is black and white We don't have to agree or think what our parents did was ok, but we MUST forgive them..for our own sake If we do not, a curse is put on our lives This is Biblical
It does say honor them, but it does not say take abuse and mistreatment. It’s not of God to let anyone harm his child, not even people who are supposed to be parents!
Sometimes it is not hatred it is righteous anger ❤
I agree and I also feel that hatred and anger are different.
I think from my experience as the fsg 4 years no contact the righteous anger we feel is just one component of our disenfranchised grief.
I feel that Hate also encompasses resentment, (righteous anger), fear, bitterness, resentment, we want them to hurt (I did before but now I’ve moved to a different place and still processing) and disgust etc to name a few but that’s just my opinion and I could be wrong.
I think all those things have a bit of anger in them too … love to you ❤
Rebecca Mandeville has a great video on scapegoat Injustice and righteous rage.
For me, yes, anger more than anything else.
Righteous anger gives me power and distance. Hatred is a bit different and also accepted.
@@amberfuchs398 I’d rather go Mary toolan or Patrick Teahan. They have warmth ❤️❤️❤️
If a stranger subjected you to these things no one would dream of telling you to forgive them, have compassion etc. Nobody has to forgive anyone if they don’t want to.
Very true and I might add that the consensus would be that you should never get anywhere near that person again. But if the abuser is a parent it’s more like, “Stay around indefinitely with a humble & respectful willingness to submit to any unprovoked foolishness they can cook up because you undoubtedly did something to deserve it even if you did nothing to deserve it.”
Indeed, premature forgiveness sent me right back into torture. It happened several times, and the abuse got only worse. I have died many times in the family cult filled with emotional incest. Mary, your words are validating; YOU BRAVE!!! Thank you 😘😘
Oh God the emotional incest is the worst.It is covert and nobody believes you since it is considered Love. It is just subconcious sexual abuse...its sick and not done to a child. A child is a child and not your parent or partner.
Please give your self grace. You had hope that they would change, they would recognize their wrong. Just like most of us. I mean they're our parents for goodness sakes. It's not supposed to be this way. You weren't done yet. But when you were done. You were done. You got to your enough. And you got to that point. That along with learning and understanding what was really going on. ♥️
Me as well over and over
Thank you for saying this about premature forgiveness. This is what I experienced, too, unfortunately. They took advantage of it and it puffed them up even more.
Yes. Many of these sick abusers will see a willingness to let bygones be bygones as *weakness* and an invitation to abuse all day long *without consequences* I see “forgiveness* as a biblical /religious and possibly spiritual construct that I don’t subscribe to as even being a thing, really. The part about forgiveness being for “you” I particularly see as a myth & a good way to give yourself a swift kick in the teeth. If someone is willing to let bygones be bygones that is huge & magnanimous & again I would want to be very selective & judicious in offering that to a malignant type abuser. But this is just what has worked for me.
I want to vomit when I have a memory of them.
"ex family of origin" - heavy on that part
Repressed anger=depression.
You HAVE TO express it or you'll bring misery onto yourself.
Doesn't mean you should start screaming at people who don't want to listen to you anyway, but it does mean disconnecting from the source of your pain and finding emotional help from professionals, God, supportive friends and partners.
Letting go of abusive people is vital for emotional survival!
Absolutely spot on and I can attest to all of this because I lived it-I used to be on all kinds of antidepressants and Ativan-I went off of everything in the past two years and I'm also going through menopause. I've learned to let my anger out-and I've improved tremendously. Stop beating yourselves up for a valid emotion and work it out in a gym or other form of exercise. Speak your minds, stop worrying about what anyone thinks, live your truth. Is it terrifying? Absolutely authentic living is not for the faint of heart-is it life affirming and soul saving? One million percent.
@@Michelehoffman-q7cThanks to both of you for your comments... supportive and helpful.
❤ Thank you for speaking out on this... naming the attempted murder, too... thank you for your lovely empathetic way of speaking and sharing your own experiences... this makes me feel less lonely, makes me aware that there are more people who suffered this.
This realization cured my depression of 15 years after being a scapegoated child of a covert narcissist mother. I'm not saying it's like that for everybody but for me depression is repressed anger.
There’s a smash room where i live. You pay to break stuff to release anger. Felt amazing. I broke Tv a bunch of glasses plates large things small things…Left with cuts all over myself because I went crazy in there😂
Thank you for advocating for me, for validating my feelings. I am 64 and struggling with this.
Many of us are later in life, it is as though we just finally acknowledge it.
68 here.
@@Maddie2u 66 here.
@@mariannehodson8700 ♥️🇨🇦
60 here
My parents are the worst human beings I have ever known. They destroyed my life.
Mine were so casual about it too 😢 like they were swatting a fly, no big deal
I feel like that. It's not how bad they were precisely, it's that their perception of themselves is that they are perfect
Same. I hate my parents too.
Yes, I hate my parents for the fact that I didn't get the opportunity for the education I wanted to achieve.😢I will never be able to live the life I want because of the lack of education and emotional stability 😢
Not all of it. You still have a life left to live. Go out there and find out what they were jealous of keeping you from!
Something that really did my head in for a long time was that I thought losing my temper was a psychopathic trait. I thought every time I got in an argument that I had inherited my father's twisted nature. I felt so guilty for feeling negativity towards others and any time I felt aggressive it would send me into fits of desperate pleasing and submission. I think I was in my mid 30s when a doctor explained to me that the distinction is made in regards to empathy, not our own emotions. I wasn't a psychopath, I hated my father and felt rage against people who were abusive because I was a normal personality exposed to extreme mistreatment, in which case my feelings were appropriate. The lightbulb went on for me that despite feeling such intense animosity, I'd never actually DONE what my father did, never attacked physically, gaslighted, manipulated, triangulate, sabotaged, or went on smear crusades. Still, even now I wouldn't express my hate outside this community. It isn't understood.
@@weaviejeebies thank you for sharing ♥️
@weaviejeebers thanks I needed to hear this. I am NOT like my abusers but I have such strong emotions when I encounter abusive people.
Same situation with my father and now I am self aware to understand.. I get triggered by aggressive entitled toxic people..I have to walk away … I also cannot be friends with passive aggressive women or men ..so a have just a few friends and it works well for me now ❤
Coming from a toxic childhood, I understand 100% what you explained. You explained it perfectly.
Yes in my 50s I finally began to allow myself to let the hatred flow for the people who heaped upon me a variety of physical and non-physical abuse, all my life. (Not sharing this with the abusers of course). Feeling so much better to accept my feelings as valid and welcomed.
@@LindsayLoo-q5d ❤️🩹
I did not nor do not hate my parents. In fact, I loved them despite their behavior which was extremely difficult. However, I remember confiding in a long-time friend who I looked up to and trusted. This lady was a minister and while she seemed to empathize with my pain, I attended a service at her church and she spoke of forgiveness and even used an example of people who hate their parents. 😲
This was one of many examples of betrayal from people who somehow think they are well-meaning but are far from trauma informed. We have to be so careful who we share these difficult feelings with - whether it's anger, bitterness, resentment, or even hatred. There is no shame there. The perpetrators are the ones who have behaved shamefully and not held accountable, but are coddled and excused.
Very few can relate. I, too, learned the hard way. Only share it when someone can relate. Otherwise, re-traumatisation follows.
I haven't found love and hate to be mutually exclusive for me. Both exist and both are valid. I keep myself safe both by compassionately understanding their experience and also by passionately hating what they chose to do to me
THANK YOU ! The immediate reaction is always "it's probably nothing, we only have one mother, reconcialiate with her". NO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT HATEFUL B. EVER AGAIN AND I HATE HER FOR WHAT SHE DID TO ME. YOU DON'T KNOW. How to say that nicely ?
I feel intense shame, and I feel like a failure everytime I have to say I am no contact. They do not get it unless I start to talk about her very disturbing behaviour, and I don't want that either.
I don't want pity and I don't want to be stuck in a victim mentality. My so-called mother was a bully and wanted nothing more than being perceived as a victim and a martyr. I do not want to be like her. What I crave is honesty and normalcy.
I can have an honest conversation about her, but unfortunately it will not be a normal one.
YES!!! I resent my parents for making me friendly with EVERYONE even though we brush shoulders with people with nefarious and malicious goals every day. In the same way, I've learned that I can't be friendly with these people (parents), even if theyre my blood. Their values and behaviors... they're not entitled to my attention and kidness.
I'm here to say no contact is a FINE response to people who act in a harmful way towards you. No contact changed my life and the way i feel about myself forever.
@@toericabaker Same, no contact at first was painful. Now I reckon it changed my life for the better. I still have hate sometimes in my heart. At least that hate is no longer directed toward me but toward my abuser.
You aren't like her because you are so introspective, something she is not.
@@charlotteinfj4412 That's powerful.
@@mariannehodson8700 Thank you, you are very kind.
This is an excellent video Mary, thank you for your bravery in addressing this topic, well done!
I carried so much hatred for my mother, then when she died my sister took over the role of queen of the world and she too, taught me how to hate her. Hatred is such a heavy, energy consuming emotion to carry. I realize now I've used it as a defense mechanism. Granted it was very real when my mom was alive but, now it's exhausting to carry it. No one is worth carrying that much energy for.
I appreciate this. It makes me realize how long I've carried this and how it's hurting me now. 🥲
Just watch a few parole hearings of DV abusers denying their acts and the spouse showing up to forgive them and give supportive comments, if you want extra reasons why its ok to hate your parents. These people have kids... that could be you.
No one should hate anyone. Tou can hate their actions but forgiveness is vital to moving on even if they don't seek forgiveness. It's better for your mental health.
Some things are not forgivable, particularly when infants are involved. And that’s okay.
I am 59 & trying to make it through each day with this same pain you explain. Trying & trying. Thank you Mary Toolan.
Thank you Mary!!! It is unacceptable the way we are further abused & traumatized by societies disgusting ignorance. It is abuse. More abuse. And to go along with that makes us abuse ourselves. It's horrific, and I'll never allow that in my life again. Our shit is insanely painful enough without that judgement b.s.
Again, thank you. I think you might be very brave and strong in your healing journey to share this, but you're helping so many people I have no doubt. ❤
Also, fwiw, UA-cam videos have given me better support than any therapist I've had. And I've shopped hard core to find one familiar with narcissistic abuse. It went horribly.
Thank you! Such a long healing journey. I don’t know if I will ever forgive them. Now I am ok with that something’s are unforgivable. And it’s ok for me. I needed this 35 years ago. So grateful for this now.
Thank you so much for this video. I too have believed in and allowed myself to hate my parents for all the trauma they put me through. It was the first step in my grieving process to eventually forgive them. I have never heard anyone say publicly that this is okay. It definitely is part of the process of healing. I appreciate your wonderful work❤️
A great thing my current counselor, experienced in domestic violence, talked about was the anger iceberg. Anger is just the tip of the iceberg of so many other emotions, often grief and disappointment and rejection. And we do need to validate ourselves for having these reactions and try to forgive ourselves, if not the narcissistic family.
You’re an absolutely amazing person, thank you for making this video. I’m 22 years old and have been going no contact with my family for 2 years. This video has helped me feel less alone with this experience. Thank you soo much
If you hate them, you realize they were just never your parents and moreover were never eager to be...They knew they were actors playing their own soapoper. Thank You!!:))!!👍🌷🌞🍀💫
I was a child of a narcissist parent, who had pretty much robbed me of my self-worth, I was homeless with him for a very long time in the past, and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to get out of that situation and I was lucky to have known the people that supported me and helped me with that process. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet, they thought I was a gift from grandma that passed away, I genuinely felt that I would belong with them and I thought they felt same way, but unfortunately, I guess they didn’t. What seemed like a gift from the universe, just turned into something that only contributed to my psychological and emotional wounds, I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they were to live with, and how conditional their love and regard was towards me, their love was like a benchmark, I couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am, I would hear a family member say “But he wasn’t raised that way!” “Oh it’s just gonna take time.” …and had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved, and if I wouldn’t, then it’s basically ‘bye peace out can’t live with your family’. I can still remember how my aunt was like “You’ve been going on 3 months!!” It’s just unfair to me how my upbringing pretty much got robbed by a narcissist father and is something no kid should ever have to go through, while my fully related brother got to have what they called a ‘privileged life’. My aunt didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and was like “why not come stay here?”. She would ask me “What are the advantages that you think you have of being here?” but in my mind I’m like ‘I didn’t come here just so I can gain some kind of material advantages or benefits, I came to have a life here with my family just like any other kid would’. I told her “I don’t know” , and she replied “then why did you come live with us honey?”
I had unfortunately received some invalidating comments from others that I’ve tried to speak to about my trauma, they’ve said things like “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and another person said “you don’t seem to realize that you’re wanting a warped and distorted image of your family by wanting a life there with them.” lol, and he called me a “poster child of emotional immaturity”. Even a former friend who I thought would always be validating of my experience, ended up invalidating me and said “Well they raised your brother! They raised him and not you so he’s their kid!” and he laughed at me, and I’ve basically been labeled as having some kind of “sense of entitlement”.
This has all put me in a constant endless loop of rumination. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere. They treated me as equally as their 2 boys… I wanted that with my brother… every other kid gets to have a family home life with their families and their siblings, I believe it is the most basic thing a kid can have… but I can’t? I’m not supposed to?… I have had someone that recognized the validity of my feelings though, and that person said “how on earth can you not be allowed just the same if not more”.
I just wanted a life there with my family… why would that be a bad or wrong or reprehensible thing?
I can’t believe that, I went through that whole process, of getting away from my father, and finally got to go be with my extended family after my whole life of them not being in my life and going through a nightmarish life with a narcissist father, only for it to, pretty much, backfire? all because, they ‘raised my brother and not me’.
They bought a condo and now my brother is living in it for free…
we never chose our parents,
and I never chose this life…
To me every kid or young person is supposed to receive the most basic human needs that their families can provide, like love, care, treatment, family home nest etc. but I feel like my family denies and rejects me of all that just because they raised my sibling and they never raised me.
Thank you for your content. You have such peace and a gentleness that gives me great hope for my own recovery. Thank you for sharing all of this great advice and validation especially. ❤
For me, I feel hurt, not hate
Hi Mary
Thank you once again for your wonderful and freeing talk. I am no longer in the grief of being abused as a scapegoat by narcissistic people THANKS TO YOUR APPEARANCE ON MY UA-cam. I am now , at 71, trying to process my tortured scapegoat life with my STAND ALONE Christianity. I listen to people like Jesus, Pastor Joel Osteen and the books of Pastor Robert Schuller. I know what you are saying and it is healing me. However, as part of my FAITH, I now expect gross behaviours from people who will not admit they are mentally ill. Therefor, I am ready with confident healthy ascertive responses which are neither aggressive or passive. THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN MARY.
I appreciate what you say. And I think there are some on this feed expressing, along with an imagined superior form of condescension, a sadistic desire to shame. I ran into too much of that in my life. I am still working on myself.
Hate is a very strong word, it poisons the soul.
denying reality poisons everything
Thank you for this, Mary. It’s very helpful. 🩵
Hatred is never good. It eats you and no one else.
this is provably incorrect. stop gaslighting people
Your videos are really great Mary, I really appreciate your insight. Thank you :)
I honestly don't know why you should not let your parents know that you hate them. Except, every time I have tried, it seems they want me to logically prove that I feel that way... Maybe emotions can lead you astray, but on the other hand, processing them without it having an effect on the world is so scary
So, what will happen if my emotions go to waste, if I do not express the injustice?
Maybe emotions are made to create memories, to learn from
They will just gaslight you an minimize it- they don’t care
There is no use telling a narcissist that you hate them. They love it, it's supply for them. That's one of the many reasons not to tell.
I think that having a child makes a person who suffered abuse in childhood look at the harm of abuse and dysfunction. I learned at a relatively young age that it was necessary to permanently severe ties with family. I think the most obvious reason is because those type of individuals stay ignorant and don’t have the ability or desire to change. There is no way I would subject a child of mine to such dangerous behaviors. At no time did I ever feel bad about my decision to terminate family relationships.
Mary never stop telling the truth about abusers 🙌 on a lighter note this natural hairstyle with curls looks lovely on you 😊
God Bless You, Mary! You are spot on. 😉👍
Still grappling with the concept that before we were born we 'chose' our parents. Still trying to work out why I selected those experiences. I hope one day I will make all the ends meet and find reconciliation within myself with regards to my physical life and my emotional/spiritual life/values. When you don't really know who you were supposed to be it is hard to find who you really are. I get that I might have been hard to manage when I was young, but it didn't excuse them for the cruel methods, physical violence, emotional torture, lack of direction, interest or input to show me a better way. I feel like I was raised amongst wolves. The only way I have managed is to cut out all my memories and walk into the nothingness and hope like anything that my own compass will take me where I need to go... come what may. These days, I am way more kinder and compassionate to myself and others because I actually don't know how else to be or what I am supposed to do to be a proper person. No specific outcome is my motto these days. Like Thomas Edison trying 10,000 times to invent the light bulb!!!!!
I appreciate your words. Understand you completely
this is a story, not reality. a lot of the time we are told metaphysical nonsense that keeps us denying reality and blaming ourselves for magical fairyland nonsense that absolutely did not happen
If you didn’t get your needs met ( including boundaries violation) you would have felt many emotions, anger, rage, sadness, guilt ect. A child may feel it was “bad” and responsible for its treatment as it needs its parents to survive. This is where survivors guilt comes in. Guilt is nearly almost involved.
To survive you repressed this and created ego defences to “hide” your pain. The people pleaser is the classic false personality/ ego defence.Anger and rage is normal, it has to be fully experienced in recovery. It’s really initially not about your parents it’s about YOU. Intellectualising about them ect comes much much latter.
I had a stroke (occipital) a little over two months ago. I’m still recovering and taking physical/occupational therapy for it.
Despite this, both my self-absorbed Boomer parents made it about themselves. My so-called father even said, “I don’t care if he lives or dies!” and never at any point asked how my situation was (even now). Instead, said parent made mention of some drinking buddy during my initial recovery, implying that his situation was more important.
My self-absorbed mother kept recounting these past stories with said father (that weren’t all that pleasant to me). Despite my telling her to stop, she continued, leading me to ban her from my hospital room AND the hospital.
Neither parent even acknowledged what they did.
I have no love for either parent.
I'm sorry you've gone through that. I can relate to some of it. Hope you recover well.
Do not nurse hatred in your heart for any of your relatives-Literally the Lord of Hosts.
Shared
Thank you for putting this together, for it to be out there, expanding awareness. At this moment in time, based on my experiences with therapists, counselors and coaches that the field of “therapy” is blind to their own cowardly drives. Seems to me that we are caught up in comfort seeking and victimhood, almost like we worship it. If I’m right, it makes sense to me that no one faces the uncomfortable truths of life, at all and that keeps us on the therapy hampster wheel. Making us forever patients, great business models let alone supply.
Another note about cowards(for lack of a better, more comfortable word) they demand conformity. There is no effort to big in making everyone around them conform to their point of view, they never hesitate to ask themselves if they are seeing things clearly, or acknowledge their subjective experience. Now put that person in charge of raising you, educating you, your mental and physical health as well governance.
If you were raised by these people, it seems we are doomed to be attracted to them because it is what we know, I’m yet to have done a single theraputic or spiritual modality that is effective in healing this. I’ve become far more aware but it has come at the cost of my capacity to deal with things day in and day out filtering through that much information second by second.
I appreciate what you’re doing and opening this conversation. I only hope I added to the conversation for the better.
I think it is important to differentiate between a child part of us that hates its parents and the healthy Self that we all have that can come to the understanding that they were just acting out from the stories their parents gave them. We need to witness and validate the child part who hates, but not let it become who we are as we will end up stuck in bitterness, victimhood and blaming. We need to love and reparent this child so it can heal, allow it to feel the hatred but not get stuck in the hatred and blaming. This doesn't mean premature forgiveness or lack of boundaries though.
I hate my narc parents. BUT.... as I have been no contact for more time, I find that the original "hate" fades more and more into apathy, a lot of indifference. As long as I stay no contact the bitterness fades after some time. Maybe not completely, but it's certainly not the raw hatred I feel when in contact with them. That's why I'm a big proponent of NO CONTACT because it's better for us and ultimately it's better for them. Narc parents do nothing but act out their toxic personality traits when we are in contact. When not in contact they either have to find another target, or sit with themselves. It's best for us for them to find another target, and it's best for them, healthier for them, to sit with themselves instead of acting out their disordered personality traits. No contact gives us the space and time to heal ourselves without interference.
Therapists can be a serious problem. My story 4 years of my life that I will never get back.
Yes, I agree, we need professionals who can hold space for us and are trauma-informed. Ultimately, though, only the power of God can fully heal this level of damage.
God sent his only son to die on the cross for us, he can set us free from this evil and heal our hearts and our souls. He will help us heal the child in us that had no way to escape.
My abusers was mostly my older brother and once in a while my other brother and some of my relatives liked to shame me for not being capable to do certain very simple things. I got picked on by my younger brother and my older brother one time so bad that I thought of jumping off the second floor balcony and killing myself. I put all of this behind me and I have no bitterness towards them, I just don’t want to be around them anymore. I had some naked pictures on the net and they made such a big deal about it, my cousin Brenda is like her mom was, angry and likes to shame people. Not very Christian in my opinion but I don’t really care about them anymore because I am happier away from them. I have two great cousins and they are both sweet ladies, but I don’t see them because we live far apart from each other. I am perfectly happy with my one cousin, my brother and an older male cousin thinking that I am going to be sent to hell, because I know that God loves me. I could say a lot more about “their sins” but I just don’t care about them anymore lol. As far as my ex wife if she wants to confront me I will tell her to her face that I am happier being alone. I am not going to lie about how I feel now than when I was married to her.
Like your videos they are interesting and helpful to me thanks.
❤ ur videos
@@winsome6705 thank you Angela 🥰
I just don't ever want to be around them.
Could both me and my Mom have been scapegoated by my father, I remember that he was always shouting at her and putting her down. Ialways felt that I had a close relationship with her? If I think back it was him and my brothers that were against me
Yes, if you think about there time before you existed and were the scapegoat most likely your mother was the chosen one. My mum did a rumpelstiltskin as in she sacrificed her second born to be my father’s one scapegoat. Keep fighting, keep healing ❤️🩹 I support you.
🦋🦋🌹🌹
Don't hate my parents maybe I should? but I do really despise the hypocrisy my narcissistic father has. He makes my life hell and he does nothing but bully me and treats me less than I can't stand to be around his toxic double standard ass he brings the worse out in me. He gets off on bullying, neglect, silent treatment, gaslighting!
Uh, no.
It's never ok to hate anyone!
nonsense. go away and stop trolling
Pft ….. stop being so self righteous. I’ll hate who I want.
Were our parents also scapegoat children?
This keeps me from hating them...I don't think normal people set out to scapegoat a child.
For me, it's more anger than anything else....anger at it all.
I had a rubbish relationship with both parents, but they both had rubbish relationships with theirs. Dad never talked about his parents. They died when I was 5, I don't remember them. Mother's father died before I was born. Surviving Nan and my mother was distant. Nan died when I was 10, I had no connection with her.
Parents provided bodily but emotionally, no. I never measured up, Dad wished I'd been eliminated. Did they try to get me aborted? Wasn't legal at that time.
Yes, my mother was scapegoated and in turn scapegoated me however I could never do this to anyone let alone a child. We have conscious choice and control over our actions. You can tell they know what they’re doing is wrong because they act differently in public. They hide their viciousness outside the family.
@@MMMC-z8y I had a daughter and raised her on my own. I was a helicopter mom, proudly. No one and I mean no one, family or otherwise was going to mess with my kid....I went the other direction.
Was I perfect no but, the minute I became a mother something switched on within me.
I was fearless and for sure there were people that didn't like me.....what did I care, by them I'd become used to it....
I send my daughter some if this material to help her better understand me and, it does.
She lives in a beautiful home with a guy who loves her and, more than anything else, she loves her mom and I love her.
I had her at almost 43 as a last ditch effort to have someone of my own.
Imagine when I was carrying her times that I felt unworthy of her. That is how beaten down my psyche had become...
She has made all the difference as have people like Wayne Dyer and many of the great thinkers of the past whose books I devoured. I also read an immense number of autobiographies to learn how others manoeuvred their lives.....that's how I survived.
I love all of you here, I totally understand the no win of it all....and I have so much compassion for our childhoods and having survived them. We did good.
♥️
Ijust want to point out, with great respect for your work, that NPD and psycopathy are not the same thing. the are frequently comorbid but they are absolutely different. In addition, narcissistic traits are common in many mental illnesses and do not necessarily indicate either narcissism or psycopathy. Words matter ❤
I am of the mind set I'd your child hates what you have done then your doing your job right. When my 3 told me they hated me I said good but I still love you.
And this is how abuse get repeated across generation... I strongly disagree with your first sentence. Saying to your child that you will love them no matter what is good. This is not however what you are teaching your child.
Which one of your parent taught you that ? This is wrong. This parent conflated hate and love and now this is what your child is learning from you. What a way to minimize a child's feeling and possible experience of abuse. Even if you don't mistreat them, your mixed language about love and hate can lead them down the path to be with an abuser in future relationship.
Because their feelings don't matter, and hate is in fact love according to your family. I don't think this is what you want.
You said it… that’s all u did. If your child hates you, they have reason.
Hate is not the right word to use.
I respectfully disagree. She touched on a topic that is very taboo. It can make a lot of people uncomfortable but people should be more aware that is a normal reaction to abuse. What is abnormal is the abuse, not the feeling of hate that result.
@@charlotteinfj4412well said.
it is. It's absolutely the correct word
Don't know how you managed to leave your Family without suffering depression.
I feel there is always a blood tie with Family regardless...
Its not Always Psychopathic..but mixed messages with some good times.
This leaves me stuck and confused .
Just take what applies to you and your parents. A few things Mary says,not every paren't will do the the s.g. 🧡
why would you assume anyone left without feeling depression? That's not a rational assumption
Meant long term depression...
I had to reconnect low contact. I need Family connection.
@@HomeFromFarAway
I have read that prebirth we choose our parents. We choose certain challenges to be born into to see if we can handle them. Just the way David Goggins chooses in this life to be a Navy SEAL and an Army Ranger and an ultra marathoner.
Now that I am 74, I survived a dysfunctional family and an estrangement from them. I pretend that I am David Goggins and keep on doing something productive every day. I don't give into sentimental mawkish rubbish about tv families or white Christmas's.
I don't interfere with my family members' life challenges. They will succeed better without me.
So I don't hate my parents. I am grateful that I survived dreadful parenting which in post famine and post civil war in Ireland, was not their fault.
A few days before my father died he apologised to me for not doing enough for me. It was surreal and it validated all the challenges I had chosen in a galaxy far far away.
Do not despair. Like David Goggins, you signed up for it. Expect and embrace lonliness. No need for TV fake families.
Your pre destined challenges and estrangements will take you on excellent adventures.
Love your chats, Mary.
you can choose to believe this but it sounds like magical thinking and some kind of bypassing to me. be careful of gaslighting yourself with stories about metaphysical stuff that can be twisted to distort reality
I didn't choose my so called "family" and I didn't choose to be abused by them.
Thanks for validating. I wish there would be a kind of court where you can divorce your family. Also what I find an annoying message from society is that say that you should understand your 'parents' because they probably had a rough childhood themselves. This is so damaging to us victims. Because then abusers will never be hold accountable.
@@dignity660 I saw an interview with a brazilian woman who did exactly that. the law in Brazil allows a legal separation from an abusive parent
@@HomeFromFarAway good to hear this. We need this to be normalised everywhere.
Of course.
Not every mother is mother,not every father is a father.
Some are sicos,keeping the fasade for outsiders.
Sick people.Cut.move on.
it disturbs me how and why people reproduce and what that means for the people involved. the fact that children are created from sex. the reasons people have children. the roles within the "family". it's all so perverse imo. there is so much unspoken about it, so many energy dynamics that are kept hidden and not admitted to or acknowledged. i think romantic relationships should be entirely separated out from "parenthood". children are not an extension of their parents, they're their own individuals. parents don't own children. i like the idea of sterilising the concept/act of bringing new children into the world, almost like instead of a womb it should be in a lab. it's disgusting to me that women who are pregnant go on about their lives the way they did before, eating god knows what, having sex, orgasms, etc, and that's normalised. that they let the man anywhere near them sexually when they have a literal child in their bodies that they're supposed to be protecting. there is no "the beauty of nature" in it because humanity is severely corrupted and twisted and gross. in an ideal state and world, sure, a person could be able to reproduce without it being perverse at all, just unconditionally loving towards the child, etc. but that is currently not the case for almost anyone. like it makes me sick to think of how it all works and plays out. think about the average woman's habits and lifestyle choices. they're CREATING THE BODY of the being growing inside them, everything they do impacts the child, a being with its own subjective experience, soul, etc... parents absolutely are abusers. there are no parents who should not be seen as abusers because all people who have children absolutely do intentionally take actions that they know are suboptimal that will harm their child. LAB GROWN KIDS 2124. let's get eugenics going too. genetically engineer a superior humanity, completely dismantle the "family" framework, optimise physicality. there are no parents and children, there are just individuals. nature is fundamentally beautiful but humanity has corrupted and inverted it into a monstrosity. let's get back to intentional design. new garden of eden, disneyworld, vegan utopia.
wow, I hope the viewers have wisdom to know hatred for anyone, anywhere, anything makes you soul sick, thats worse than the feelings of hatred.
Better to feel hatred for your abuser than yourself. It is right to feel that way and this video is validating for those of us who were abused.
Not ok to hate your parents at all
Jesus instructs us to forgive for a reason.. he says that when we don't, He releases the tormentors (demons) on us
The 4th commandment is black and white
We don't have to agree or think what our parents did was ok, but we MUST forgive them..for our own sake
If we do not, a curse is put on our lives
This is Biblical
One of the 10 Commandments is Honor Thy Father and Mother!! Hate is destructive to the soul! I'm unsubscribing.
Are they your father and mother if they abuse you?...and what does honor mean? It means to give weight to in Hebrew. It doesn't mean respect.
this community is better off without you. your cult book also tells parents not to provoke their children, not once, but twice. hypocrite
It does say honor them, but it does not say take abuse and mistreatment. It’s not of God to let anyone harm his child, not even people who are supposed to be parents!