Why I Can't Forgive You...
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- Опубліковано 19 кві 2020
- Forgive and forget, we have all heard the old adage. But what that doesn’t take into consideration is what we tend to assume when we hear the word “forgiveness.” I don’t know about you, but when I think of forgiveness I think of letting someone off the hook or approving of their behavior. Sometimes I even think forgiving someone means that I have to take them back or continue the relationship with them. But forgiveness doesn’t actually mean those things. Forgiveness really means to let go of any feelings of resentment, anger or a desire to get back at them. Forgiveness doesn’t have anything to do with the other person, we have complete control over it, and can offer it to ourselves at any time.
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“forgiving someone is a gift you give to yourself”
YES!! xoxo
On what planet? No it is not.
What if someone had destroyed your life so much home family kids due to abuse how do u actually forgive that person if the hurt u feel is deeper than a knife wound thry caused
Whenever somebody hurts you, in THAT moment THEY are the one hurting you.
There's not much you can do to control the actions of others.
After that time is over, if you hold on to the anger, resentment or whichever emotions, sometimes for years or even decades, YOU ALONE are now causing your own suffering.
This may be a controversial statement, but really think about it.
Sometimes that person is long gone, maybe dead even and people continue to feel the pain.
The only person who can bring an end to that is the person themselves.
Call it what you will but "forgiveness" is generally the word used, even in the bible.
Your attitude doesn't affect the other person one iota, but it can release you from carrying this burden around for the rest of your days.
Not saying it's easy, but give it some thought at least.
What do you have to lose besides misery?
What do you gain by continuing to hold on to it?
I can assure you that it doesn't hurt them back across space and time.
Such bullshit.
There's an example usage of "forgive" on Wiktionary: "Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace." So maybe something catchy like "forgive and be at peace" or something like that.
Logan Colson thank you
I love this one!! I usually say that I don’t forgive because the person doesn’t deserve it, since they purposely harm you. But knowing that I do deserve peace is freeing!
This is a beautiful quote. I'll do my best to remember that! Thanks for sharing!
I like that-and this “forgive to be at peace.”
Bra video
I dont want to forgive my father, but I’m learning to find peace with what happened.
OddinaryOne I know how you feel; I’m the exact same way with my father. Thinking if you ❤️
Forgiveness has everything to do with the other person, forgiving their trespass, cancelling their debt. Nothing to do with us or our feelings. It is poorly understood in the western world. In the west people think you are are a bitter person if you do not "offer" forgiveness. Giving someone else a pretentious forgiveness is like shoving medicine down their throat instead of working through one's own issues. I could give a 45 minute talk just on the weird perceptions of forgiveness. To offer it without a basis is actually very unhealthy for both parties. I mostly agree with Kati, but with this one, it's a popular view, but not a healthy one.
@@matilda4406 so what she is talking about I get, because I was able to forgive or move above what my real father did. But I am having issues doing the same with my stepdad who is still very much apart of my world. He sexually abused me and has since stopped because I told my mother, sisters, and real father. Everyone knows and we all just don't talk about it. I have married and moved on, but mom is still married to him and we play nice. Maybe this is why I cant move on? Cause he never got in trouble, IDK...What do u think?
@@matilda4406 thankyou
I'm in the same place. I'm to the point where I'm able to let go of what the bastard did to me, but I don't know if I can ever stop hating him for the way he treated my mother and the abuse he subjected her to. She protected me for so many years, and he was a monster to her. Some things are very difficult to allow yourself to be at peace with.
[forgiveness by paramore plays softly in the distance]
"don't you go and get it twisted, forgiving is not forgetting"
I'm being quarantined together with my father, we've never lived together before and we're having a terrible time trying to act normal around each other. It's really hard for me to let go of how he made me and my brother feel in the past, he's been cruel towards us in multiple occasions and I can't get myself to overlook all of that. Thank you for sharing this Kati, I'm going to give it some deep thoughts. Love xx
If it's not too much, may I ask what happened?
I wish you luck during these times, stay strong ❤️❤️
Good luck.
Not to pry, but how does ur father feel about ur past? Is he remorseful or dismissive?
@@sklauda1 he keeps acting like nothing's going on. I usually talk with his wife and tend to ignore him as much as possible, but every time we're alone in the same room we drown into a very awkward silence. If I mention anything about our past he says it's either my fault or he doesn't remember
I still find myself struggling between "forgiveness" and "acceptance" -- I can't really 'forgive' those who have been abusive toward me in the past, but I can accept that it happened and make peace with the fact that it wasn't my fault. Maybe that's as close as I'm able to get right now, though; it looks like a lot of others in the comments are showing a similar sentiment.
Elliott, you are on the right path. You are being honest and that's what counts. What you said is perfectly right. Accept that it happened but no forgiveness without a basis, without a sorry heart, there is no forgiveness. Pretending to forgive does not give anyone peace. We can be sorry that we were in a situation or sorry we didn't know any better and feel bad about it, then forgive ourselves. Good on you. It's very satisfying when we accept what was, what was true or what is true. Knowledge is power and sticking to what we know is true results in a healthy mind. Well done.
Forgiveness is an act of self-love. You gotta forgive people so you can move on and ultimately heal. It's about granting your heart peace. It's almost like a selfish act because the person who is forgiving reaps all the benefits.
Totally agree :) xoxo
Sara A For people that this idea helps that’s good however it’s not a fact that for everyone you need to forgive to move on. In Judaism forgiveness is given only to those who show sincere remorse.
I am in your words. Forgiving is letting me go and peace be with you! 😭
It makes me feel better to hate the men who hurt me
@@hannahwilliams5681
Initially you may feel better but in the long run... it will do you more harm than good. I was like you. There came a time in my life where I loathed men so much.. the mere sight of them made me sick. ( I was abused by men.) But then I realized that life is a reflection of our inner world. The more I hated them, the more I drew events into my life that perpetuated my then belief that they were all the evil incarnate. Life is like a mirror .. constantly reflecting back to you your inner belief system. The reason I attracted men who abused me was due to my then deeply rooted self hatred. The reason I had self hatred was due to my childhood. We must heal the inner child and eliminate limiting and false beliefs and swap them for healthier beliefs. Oir beliefs aren't ours. They were downloaded into us by our caregivers.. teachers and other authority figures when we were children.
You are not your past. You are not your weight. Your age. Your job. Your past relationships. You are not what your parents or caregivers taught you to be. Your higher self is eternally loving, whole and complete. In order to heal, we must forgive ourselves and everyone. Ourselves for not knowing better. We operated with the limited knowledge we had at the time of the world at large. And we must forgive others because they are operating from their own internal wounds. Of feeling not good enough. I believe that everyone was taught to a degree that they are not good enough. I think it's the number 1 disease afflicting the world. It is not a free pass for what they did .. but it helps us understand why they did what they did. I'll quote one of my favorite authors: "All humans are mentally sick with the same disease. We can even say this world is a mental hospital." It's from a book called The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. I highly recommend it.
It's also perfectly okay if you can't forgive somebody or don't want to forgive them. Sometimes what somebody has done to us is so horrific and traumatic, there is no forgiveness to be had. That's ok.
It may help to listen to this once more because forgiveness has nothing to do with the person who hurt us...it is about us choosing to let go of anger & resentment so it doesn't poison our lives, but we have to be ready to let go...it takes time to work through all of the anger. It is a process. Hope you are able to do that one day.
@@Quiche543 Sometimes preaching forgiveness to trauma victims can be a form of spiritual abuse. Its not a one-size fits all thing. It may work for many people, but for some its not feasible, or healthy. And continuing with the insistence that it is required for healing in 100% of cases, or that the victim is "only hurting themselves by not doing so" is a form of victim shaming.
@@Quiche543 What you are doing is condescending and bordering psychological violence, please stop. There are people who are unable to forgive what was done to them, feel that forgiving what was done to them would mean giving up on their integrity, feel that forgiveness is not helpful let alone required for their healing and SIMPLY DISAGREEE with the perspective on forgiveness portrayed in this video. PLEASE RESPECT THAT. If forgiving someone has been helptul to you thats wondeful but other people may have a different experience.
@@raffaelschafer312 fair enough, one thing isnt always helpful to everyone.
Lorraine Baker ??? Forgiveness has everything to do with the abuser
I can already tell this is gonna hit home
Conclusion: It hit home
For me it already is has 🙄😭
Yeah i really did
sidney grace it hit didn’t it!
I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." I find this helps me let go much easier. And you're right, it doesn't mean reconciliation. I may forgive. It doesn't mean I want to carry on as if nothing happened. It means I no longer give the other person my power in the form of my anger and resentment.
Wow that's perfect
@@morgandrye3311 I like it. ... exepct for the last two words. Why assume that I feel anger and resentment because I have not forgiven a person? That's a strange thing to say, I think.
That's described so perfectly, I'll be writing that down in my journal, 2 yrs late but thank you
@@NidusFormicarum this person is not assuming anything about you, she's talking about her own personal feelings
@@RainRemnant You're welcome. I hope it helps. xo
I also hate when people say that you have to let go of hurt and anger for your own sake, like my resentment isn't valid or the exact correct response to where you're at in processing.
Letting go is an important tool when you're ready, but whoever needs to hear it, let process their emotions in their own time!
A different "f" word phrase comes to mind whenever someone tells me to "forgive and forget".
"Forgiveness; so that you don't have to keep thinking about that jerk!" 🤣 Quote of the year🏆😍 xXx
*Sees title and thumbnail*
My BPD ass: “what did I do? :(((“
*hugs* I have BPD too. The most people can ask of us is that we try our best to improve. Sometimes we are too much to handle and it is sad :(
Yeah same..but there might be a problem with the title and thumbnail...
*joins the club*
same I was like what did we do?????
Hahaha same!
Even though you explained how forgiving isnt "letting them off the hook", it still very much feels that way. There are/were people in my life who i cant forgive for that very reason. While i do not hold (active) resentment to most of them, i cant forgive them without them acknowledging that they wronged me. Since they never will, i wont forgive. It may sound unhealthy to some, but i've been forced to "forgive" before when i didnt want and it made me feel way worse than not forgiving them so i'll just go on, not thinking about them often, but never forgive
Danny 37265 your words speak to the depth of my soul! This is exactly how I feel! The only person I’ll forgive is myself for not being in power then or not knowing better! Or not having a voice and boundaries! But I will never forgive my abuser and I will never let go of the hate I have for him! May he rot in hell that SOB!
"While i do not hold (active) resentment to most of them, i cant forgive them without them acknowledging that they wronged me. Since they never will, i wont forgive. "
Exactly! I feel that for real forgiveness, the acknowledgement of the other person of the harm they caused you is essential. Without that, forgiveness just doesn't mean anything. Would you accept a conversation like: "Whatever it is I hurt you with, I'm sorry". "Ok, whatever you did to me, I forgive you"? I think not.
❤ In my opinion, you are doing exactly whats right. I think Kati is trying to say forgiveness isn't letting them off the hook, but her definition made me feel a little left out because not only must I avoid these people due to their abuse of me, but I have had ptsd from it. So, I don't even know that forgiveness should apply to people who are unrepentant, unacknowledging and likely to re-offend.
@@alicemallorythomas YUP!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ It's like forgiving evil, how can you forgive evil, you always have to reject it. In my opinion!
I agree with you. People that purposely harm us don’t deserve forgiveness!!!
Forgiveness has too positive of a tone to it, it kinda implies a happy ending for both parties. There has to be another word for it, I think of it more as "I understand you did that bad thing, and you don't want to change and will keep doing it, so I'm just dropping you and the whole thing".
But yeah, I don't call it forgiveness.
so true!!!!! there needs to be a new word for it
While I agree with the sentiment behind letting go of resentment, i want to emphasize that words have many meaning and many shades of meanings and connotations. “Forgive” also means to cancel a debt. I will never forgive my rapist even though I’ve worked through my PTSD in trauma therapy, and frankly I think that’s okay. I’ve seen a lot of stuff online insisting I do so, and I simply don’t agree with such a narrow definition of forgiveness.
Same to me
I had a therapist who kept telling me I needed to forgive and reconcile with my father. I kept telling her being around him made me feel worse and I wish she had watched this video
Omg your therapist sounds exactly like my past therapists lmao. Now I've found a better therapist who really understands my family dynamics and the abuse they've done, he was so shocked when he heard how the other therapists kept on pressuring me to get back to my family.
@@miirasaika6437 yo that is so validating. I was seriously questioning whether therapy would even be a viable option. It's so nice to know you dealt with that and then found better.
I cannot reconcile with that word, even if we give it "understanding" the word still feels like "letting someone off the hook" I just think it's an old-fashioned word that needs to be let go and replaced with, "Let Go" I choose to let go of any self responsibility/over burdened towards that person.
Forgiveness is just freeing yourself from the poison of resentment and the real estate that person takes in your mind. That person who wronged you is still a piece of shit and doesnt not get to retain the privilege of having a relationship with you. That's how I see it at least
When hurt and betrayed...I don't "fully" forgive, but at least try to get to a level where it's not negatively affecting me!.
Same, to balance things out and to keep my sanity.
I'd love see you do a video on having to "forgive" people whom you have to keep in your life even if they keep hurting you, or why it can be hard to forgive someone.
Me too. I need to work on forgiving my mother, which is obviously someone who is and will continue to be in my life. She has no remorse for her actions. This constant resentment kills me.
Yes, this exactly. I find these discussions about forgiveness to be often quite limited because they deal only with situations that are pretty much in the past. What about forgiving someone who is still in your life and still has the same issues and zero willingness to do better? You may have gone low contact in order to protect yourself, but they’re still doling out the abuse. What then?
Yes, please!!!! Dealing with this with my mom. Seeing a therapist after much hesitation in seeking help. This video was Godsend today, and would def benefit from the suggested video. Thank you!
@@annetteprice Then go from "low" contact to "no" contact. Why would you want to be around an abusive person at all?
@@annetteprice I agree with Lorraine. You don't "have" to have contact with anyone who's abusive. You are the authority on how you want to be treated and you can use that authority to define boundaries in your relationships. I highly recommend therapy to better manage how you deal with abusive people in your life and find the strength to let them go.
I now understand that forgiveness means liberating our own selves. I forgive them for me, so I can be at peace with my life and move on without an ill feeling. Thank you❤
💙💙💙💙💙
Maybe “forgive and release”??? 💜💜💜
No - forgive and find freedom/ fly forwards? My brain 🤦🏻♀️😊
I love that!! xoxo
"Forgive and jettison"?
I like “Forgive and release” ... I am releasing myself... not the one that hurt me. I like how it reminds me what to do!
Ich Dien it’s fun finding options isn’t it!! 😃 - i definitely like something beginning with “f” like fly 😉
Seriously, for a long time now I've said I don't know what "forgiveness" is supposed to mean. Does it mean "I'm okay with what you did"? Does it mean "I'm no longer upset about the thing"? Or "I will no longer take that thing into consideration when judging you"? Or something else? I don't know.
So many people say "You have to forgive the one who hurt you otherwise you can't move on." But I think that's wrong and harmful to those who have been hurt, or worse, traumatized.
For me it always feels like "I'm okay with what you did" so I don't say it. "Thank you for your apology" is much better in my opinion.
I've had to end a few friendships and I recently heard about what one person said about the situation. She apparently wants to talk again and I "can unblock her at any time." But... I don't really want to be friends. I'd grown uncomfortable around her over a few years before finally using one final argument as an excuse to cut it off. I'm okay with not talking anymore.
It's really hard to deal with that kind of loss. I feel like I'm a bad person for doing it but I remind myself that I'm not. One of my biggest fears is being seen as selfish. It underlies the majority of my anxiety and habits. These situations, including two where I ended friendships not even because we fought but simply because I wasn't comfortable around them anymore, are minefields for guilt and calling myself selfish.
On a related note, I've always prided myself on my empathy and genuinely would use it to define myself. I felt like I was over-empathetic to the point that it was difficult to deal with anyone else who wasn't in a good mood.
But over the past two years, especially this past year, it feels like I'm no longer as empathetic. I've had a major shift in my values and it's put me in a position that's often seen as "problematic," so I've had to deal with that. I tried being super defensive, I tried being super passive, and I'm trying to find a balance.
But it's scary. I'm so terrified of being selfish. But life is more complicated than that.
In my opinion we should use “trascend” instead of forgive.
There are several unforgiveable facts but we can trascend them.
Thanks
yes!
Is it bad to think that the only way I can forgive someone is that they acknowledge their mistakes and ask forgiveness?
It's not bad per se, it just gives them all the power. Because you are saying you can't let it go unless they do something.. and we know we can't make people do anything. We can only control what we do and don't do. xoxo
@@Katimorton thank you. It really helped me💖💗
@@Katimorton So much truth there! That very realisation was what prompted me to take back my own power and permanently cut off my narcissistic, abusive "father" for good. Doing it improved my quality of life immesurably!
The minute you forgive them and leave the anger and bitterness in the past you will have PEACE
@@ourcorrectopinions6824 again, you hit the nail in the head, i dont quite agree with the lady as well
it's hard to forgive without an apology.
I stopped forgiving people since my childhood. My experience showed me that when I forgave people they seem to think that it is a green light to repeat the offense. So I will never forgive others of their wrongdoing. Ever. I'm not making that mistake again.
I also have had that experience. But you can forgive them in your mind and your heart, without verbally giving them forgiveness and permission to re-offend.
I dunno, i still feel like the definition of forgiving suggest you can or want to reconcile with the person. Whats being described here is self-forgivenes, which is a different category on its own.
I'm having a very hard time forgiving my uBPD mother. The abuses over the years... it's too painful to even think about forgiving her. For almost my entire life, I would blame myself for why she hurts me physically, emotionally, amd mentally. I would punish myself for not being the "good type of daughter" she says she wants me to be. But now I know thaf just because someone has mental issues doesn't mean they have the right to abuse and torment other people.
I have an 8-year old sister whom I'm trying my darn hardest to protect from my mother... but I just become twice as much of a punching bag. I can't believe I'm even saying this at 23 years old. I feel like I should've just let this go a long time ago... but I just can't!
I dont think you have to forgive in order to move on. You might find the work of Pete Walker helpful. He is a CPTSD survivor and now a therapist he wrote a good article on his website about forgiveness and how forgiveness is not recovery or needed to get better
I've been dealing with a narc husband for 33 years. Didn't realize it until just a year or so ago. Devaluing, silent treatment, etc. all to control and manipulate me to please him without anything in return. The forgiveness is definitely an "I release you" even though I'm still with him. It's been a wonderful part of my healing both emotionally and physically. And I pray alot! It's a daily struggle but not insurmountable. All the best to you! ❤
@@susannay.3437 I feel you on this, Susanna. I also had a narc partner, albeit only for a year. I cannot imagine how you managed to stay afloat for 33 years. I am so glad you're out of that now.
When it comes to my mother, however... I still can't find it in me to "release her" from my system because I'm still suffering the aftermath of what she has done. And now, she expects me to care for her in return for all the food, clothing, and the shelter she provided me when I was a child? I don't think a parent should hold a debt over their children's heads for the basic care any parent should obviously give to their children to begin with. I only respect her wishes because we all live together (we're Asian, so this is normal for us to still be with parents)... but with the heaviest heart. I don't know how I'm ever going to recover from this.
Nevertheless, I'm happy for you. ❤ I really am.
Tri Summers ouch 😖 you have to forgive yourself first - for blaming and punishing yourself 😔 you didn’t deserve that, but you did it because of how your mother treated you 😣
I’m sorry you went through that 😓 sending you much love 💖
(❤ In my opinion, you are doing exactly whats right.❤❤❤) You aren't supposed to forgive an active threat. Instead, keep working at forgiving yourself for any imagined and projected shortcomings and understand that you are doing excellent in a horrible shame-inducing situation. Forgiveness is a natural reaction to becoming safer and whole. It's not something you "ought" to be doing. It's what you will do as you become increasingly safe and able to look back at the situation and intellectually reinterpret it.
knowing how to properly forgive, to forgive truly in your heart, is one of the most liberating things i've ever learned in life. 10/10 recommend that everyone do it.
The title confused me, but I now understand. It is so helpful to have these videos. So many of us hear how we have to forgive and thus, we forgive out of guilt. Thank you for giving us another option.
I have the hardest time with this because if I felt hurt by someone I didnt choose to feel resentful, or hurt. So how do I just "turn it off" and release those feelings if I didnt want those feelings in the first place. Forgiveness just feels like someone telling me, "stop thinking about it" if I could just stop, I would have.
I want to let go, I want to forgive but the feelings arent something I pinned to myself. Thanks for this video. again fantastic content!
I think you have to grieve for your losses first. Then the next step would be forgiveness.
Just sharing my thoughts ❤️
Your feelings are and will always be valid. How you feel and how you grieve is important, so feel your feelings. I don't like the word forgiveness for that very reason. At the end of the day you have the right to feel the way that you do as long as you know that someday you'll move on from it, and that these feelings aren't permanent. Take care of yourself.
The first step to moving past emotions is acknowledging and working through the emotions. Just "turning it off" isn't realistic.
Emotions are strong because they don't want to be ignored. They have something they want to tell you. You can't get rid of them by trying to ignore or run away from them. In some cases it can make their emotions stronger as they try get you to listen.
You have to really accept them in order for them to calm down, and listen and learn from what they're telling you.
I have the same kind of problem with having trouble with moving past the feelings. But I know that the emotions are there for a reason. They tell me what I feel passionately about, what I need to feel safe, and what actions I should take to feel okay again. The feelings become less extreme when I understand them and am actively listening to and learning from them.
I’m with you here. And I’ve tried to kist acknowledge and work through my emotions, but it’s hard, especially when it’s one of those things that just takes me over when I think about it directly, so I can barely breathe. It just stays in my mind and keeps affecting me subconsciously. I have a lot of this, and stuff I’ve internalized over the years, and I don’t know how to ‘just let go’.
From my personal experience, my suggestion would be the following
1) accept what happened
2) accept that it happened to you
3) grieve that it happened to you
4) realize its over
5) realize you have survived it
6) move on
forgiving (i.e
to stop blaming the perpetrator for what they did) is not essential in my humble opinion
Wise words!!! Your videos are a beacon of light, Kati ♥️✨
oh my god THANK YOU FOR THIS! my parents were extremely abusive and neglectful in many ways. i had to flee the home i grew up in at 15 to survive. i will struggle with addiction and ptsd for the rest of my life. i can’t tell you how many times i have heard “how can you not speak to your father”, “but, it’s your mother”. people don’t understand what it’s like to have parents that actually hurt your life more when they’re a part of it, than when they aren’t. i wish the world was all butterflies and forgiveness, but unfortunately some people will continue to destroy you no matter what you do. they have their own issues, and it’s less healthy to let them continue to abuse you than it is to put your foot down and say i want to have a relationship with you, but i can’t because i won’t let you treat me this way anymore”
Here's one I was thinking of, Katie:
"Reflect, and move on."
Love these vids. I just think we all feel like that. That you let the other one off the hook but the problem the receiver thinks forgiveness is exactly that, that their actions were acceptable and they are off the hook. I think the meaning of forgiveness should be explained both ways. Sometimes the scars are so big that the forgiveness bandaid is to small.
I was currently struggling with this question thank you Katie for puting into words what I couldn't make sense out of❤️
“Forgiveness gives you wings.”
Some people aren't worth it. Forgiveness is more about you letting go and finding joy in life, not letting that person back in.
Thank you for opening my eyes. You taught me more in 5 minutes than a psychologist did in several meetings about my relationship with my Dad. Thanks. ❤️
Awe of course! I am glad I could be a helpful resource :) xoxo
Hi kati, thanks again! Can you do a video about forgiving yourself as well? Especially between guilt, shame and humiliation?
My mother used to use 'but family forgives each other' to repeatedly abuse, do and say hurtful things. So instead, I forgave myself for putting up with that crap, and chose to move on and let it go instead. My sisters seem to be under the impression I'm going to talk to her again, but the way I see it, I can't force myself to put effort into someone who has no respect for me or my boundaries, and I'm much happier this way.
very often forgiveness does nothing but enable the one "forgiven" to continue with the behavior for which they are forgiven. "At the head of all understanding is the realizing of what is and what cannot be, and the consoling of what is in our power to change."
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts, forgiveness has always been a really difficult thing for me!! I hope you’re having a wonderful day Kati! 💜
Yusss those notifications coming through!
I think the forgetting part just means you don't hold that wrong against them. You don't "remember" that offense. But I certainly get that we don't forget the lessons learned from that relationship. And you're right that forgiveness is letting go and releasing any bitterness, which can get its hooks into you. I have a narcissist in my life--one who exhibits several traits of covert narcissism--and it's been one very long road for me. I am learning not to take things personally, forgive, and move on--at least in my heart--even without closure....it goes on and on, sadly like a war. But I get stronger every day as I release this person, and forgiveness is a necessary part of that release. Thank you, dear girl, for this reminder and your encouragement. ❤
forgive, and live :) because as soon as you forgive yourself/a certain situation/person, you're setting yourself free and allowing yourself to live again. also, it rhymes!
forgiveness is to help the individual to move past trauma into the future that they create.
Hey kati! Love your videos, it helped me get through a lot. Can you also make a video about how bad parenting can lead you to become a emotionless person or kind of like have tendencies of becoming a psychopath or sociopath? Have a great day. Love you ❤.
Sometimes I get caught on the loop of overthinking to forgive and forget. That happens when I'm thinking more about the other person, instead of thinking about myself. Thanks for giving me some clarity about this issue.
Forgiving, to me, means being ready to understand that whatever that person did was the only thing they knew how to do, considering all the circumstances of their point of view, history, upbringing, emotional skills, etcetera.
It's naturally much easier to do once they're no longer in a position to hurt you, be it because they realised that what they did was wrong and showed willingness to be better, or because you are just not in a position to be hurt by them anymore.
That's why I could relate to your story about your friend, Kati. You grew apart, you realised that you wanted different things and once you were no longer close, her view of frienship couldn't hurt you anymore, and you could forgive.
When I was 16 I was raped by a guy. When I talked to a friend about it who is a social worker, he said to me, 'Every perpetrator is also a victim.' This really helped me with forgiving. It doesn't mean that I approve of what that guy has done to me and I hope I will never have to see him again. It also doesn't mean that perpetrators shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. But it made me understand that violence always comes from a place of previous abuse and it gives me the energy to fight for a better world with more equality and better mental health support so that hopefully one day violence will be eliminated. We can't change the past but we can learn from it to create a better future. So this is what foregiveness means to me.
im so sorry for what happened to you, you don't even have to try and forgive him yes he has his reasons but you still have the right to not find a reason to explain why he did it. have a lovely day
I have this issue I’m stuck and these things are constantly in my mind I can’t let them go
Forgiveness is setting yourself free, from the initial insult hurting you over and over again, and finally allowing your heart peace. What a relief!
Thank you Kati! I needed to hear this!
I have been abandoned by my husband, leaving me a single mom of a special needs daughter. I have forgiven him for the abuse I endured before he abandoned me, but I'm having problems with him leaving all the responsibilities on me. He pays child support, but I need physical help too and he doesn't do that. How do I forgive an ongoing problem?
I can't forgive my daughter's biological dad.. It's been over ten years..
What if it’s really hard to let go? Let go of the anger and trauma?
Love this and perfect timing. Thank you!
One of the best treatments on the subject that I have ever heard. Thank You !
What if i cant forgive myself?
I forgive my father for abandoning me. X
if those are your true, feelings, I am proud but sorry that happened. sending all my love
This video was so timely and an answer to my prayers , Thank you!!
Not forgiving is harder on yourself then the person who hurt you
This actually came out at a very important time. My bf and I just had a fight over the weekend...on our 8 months of dating :/
Should I show him this video? What do u guys think?
I think you should. You both can forgive each other. ❤️
Christian Kasper maybe share it on Facebook so he sees it without it coming across like “here, you need to see this”? That way it might help others too and he could see it and be like “hmm good points here, I should think about this further”? Idk, just a thought.
Hope you guys resolve things; thinking of you ❤️
Yes
Yes if you think it could help I would show it to him :) xoxo
Thank you so much for this video Kati, this has been boggling my mind recently
Yeah the thing is with me I've always associated forgiveness with some kind of expected acknowledgement externally - a result - a thank you meaning the person I'm forgiving still has the power. I've since learnt that I don't need the approval and just let go without bitterness. Forgive and rest the self. Mark
I can't figure out how to, even if I wanted to.
Forgiveness has everything to do with the other person, forgiving their trespass, cancelling their debt. Nothing to do with us or our feelings. It is poorly understood in the western world. In the west people think you are are a bitter person if you do not "offer" forgiveness. Giving someone else a pretentious forgiveness is like shoving medicine down their throat instead of working through one's own issues. I could give a 45 minute talk just on the weird perceptions of forgiveness. To offer it without a basis is actually very unhealthy for both parties. I mostly agree with you Kati, but with this one, it's a popular view, but not a healthy one.
Finally! I completely agree and share your opinion :)
@@heliaalves9062 thank you. Most people just don't understand, even therapists.
kati this is one of your best vids.....brutally important to most peeps!!! thankyou!! x
You describe forgiveness in such a realistic and rational and beneficial manner- unlike others on UA-cam, great job!
*Sees title* Damn, Kati. What'd we do now? 😆
It would be so fun if you did something special when you reach 1 million subscribers 😍😍 If you want to :)
I totally could!! When we get closer we can plan something :) xoxo
@@Katimorton yess we could give suggestions! And if you want to gain followers, just tell everyone what you will do at 1 million subs and boom the subs are all there😂 Jordan matter is living proof😂
Thank you so much for this video! I've been struggling with this for quite a long time now and this video makes things clearer!
I really wanted to hear this, thank you so much kati
Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to di3.
It's about you, not them.
O'SSÉIN - Master Your Mind With Me
That’s not true for everybody. Expecting someone to forgive places the expectation on the person who was harmed rather than the abuser. You don’t have to forgive to heal, the two are exclusive of one another for many many people
This is priceless, thank you Kati!
I of course have stuff in my life and I never thought this clearly about it. I was never happy about not having dealt with it. Now I think I can. Bless you and be well!
Very helpful and informative! Thank you Katie
Forgiveness is probably the wrong word. You're talking more about of letting go...of emotions, anger etc.
“reads video title” totally a letter to third party voters of 2016 & 2020
Thank you for this! I left support groups when they blurred forgiveness and reconciliation together.
Perfectly timed
Thank you
Thanks for the video. Ive on therapy and went over this exact same thing at a certain point. Good to have your videos as a solid reminder. thanks
Thank you for this. Such a good topic. I found this very helpful!
I really appreciate how you distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation.
Thank you for this, I really needed to hear it.
I really needed this today! Thank you!
Thank you. I really needed this ❤️🙏
💙💙thank you for your channel. so many of your videos have helped me personally & now i eventually want to become a counselor x
Love your videos! Just subscribed. Thank you for existing! ❤
Thank you for this message. Surrounded with narcissists my entire life without realizing it, this is very helpful.
Thanks for another great video. Has me thinking/questioning of a direct situation I'm in right now, and I know exactly what to ask on the next Patreon Livestream coming up.
Something that struck me when I did some EMDR treatment was that forgiveness came magically with putting the trauma into my past memory. It was actually more of a case of Forget and Forgive. I haven’t forgotten but I have somehow processed the memory.
Thank you! I needed this
It literally brought tears to my eyes.
I want to forgive this person in my life because we want to be happy together. By not forgiving, I hold back our growth potential and also myself.
*Forgive to set yourself free*
This is extremely helpful in a situation I'm in right now! thank you!
When I forgive, I am setting myself free and that puts the ball in their court. Whatever they do can no longer effect me in any way whatsoever!
Great point and perspective ty.
When I did my 4th step in AA, I followed the instructions and wrote down how each resentment I had affected me. I didn’t know it was going to trick me into looking at them honestly so that I would realize what I was losing by not forgiving people. It was such a life changing experience that I strive to share it whenever I can.
A friend in AA would help me with an example when I got stuck early on, he would throw out some gruesome thing someone could do to someone I love and then ask me if I really thought it was good to say that what they did was ok. The answer was always an obvious no, and I could then easily remember that I don’t have to approve of something to forgive it - forgiveness was just a matter of asking God to remove the anger.
Great topic!!!