299. The Anxious-Avoidant Trap (The Love Chat)
Вставка
- Опубліковано 17 тра 2021
- Get Coaching Here: www.TheLoveChat.net/Coaching
Do you have an anxious preoccupied or avoidant attachment style? Then this video is for YOU!
Definitely check out Thais Gibson and her channel - The Personal Development School! She is a wonderful and knowledgeable resource for attachment theory: / @thepersonaldevelopmen...
_______________________________________________
What does the dumper go through?: • 59. What does the dump...
What is my Ex thinking about during No Contact?: • 60. What is my ex thin...
Time is everything when winning your Ex back!: • 10. Time is everything...
Will I ever hear from my Ex again?: • 4. Will I ever hear fr...
How to make your Ex regret dumping you!: • 19. How to make your e...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
➢ Coaching Sale! Visit: www.TheLoveChat.net/Coaching
➢ Rory's Bestselling Book: www.amazon.com/dp/B07VLJW5G1/
➢ Rory's Patreon: / thelovechat
➢ Join our Discord: / discord
➢ The Official Love Chat Reddit: / thelovechat
➢ Instagram / lovechatofficial
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#getyourexback #nocontact #dating #howtogetyourexback #thelovechat
No Contact, Rebound Relationships, Dating Advice, Love Advice, The Love Chat, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Health, Casual Dating, Anhedonia, no contact rule, Limiting Beliefs, How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs, Fearful avoidant, Anxious attachment, avoidant attachment - Навчання та стиль
As always - thank you for all your support. If you would like to work with me directly you can do so here: www.thelovechat.net/coaching
If you would like weekly Therapy I am sponsored by BetterHelp to provide you with a licensed therapist to work with here: www.betterhelp.com/Rory
*I am paid a commission if you sign up using that link - additionally YOU receive a discount on Therapy.
I'm quite anxiously attached but have made a loooot of progress in the last 3 years and I'm SO proud of how far I've come!!! I recently met someone who I suspect is avoidant and quickly cut it off after seeing that we were not compatible in our communication!!! It was hard but it was so amazing to see myself set boundaries instead of letting myself get caught in the trap! To all my fellow APs, you can do it!
Me too. May I ask how? What did you do? What mindset you had? Any books you read? It’s so hard and I want to change and become less anxious and more secure :( otherwise I’ll always get hurt.
@@eval3509 Sure!! Here are the things I recommend:
#1 (Absolute non-negotiable, YOU MUST DO IT) Get therapy. I have been in therapy for 3 years now. It has absolutely changed and transformed my life. I know it's not accessible to everyone, but there are many options like betterhelp, people studying and doing masters and PHD who offer sliding scale, etc. Having counseling of some kind at least once a week was instrumental for me.
#2 you have to ACTIVELY try to correct your patterns. I highly recommend the DBT workbook, which has actual exercises to complete. Treat this like studying, like homework, etc. It's not gonna magically happen, you have to actively to work.
#3 work on your anxiety with friends and family first. I used to have severe anxious anxiety with friends too and now I have become pretty much 100% secure. Challenge your thought patterns and core beliefs with friends.
#4 take a break from all dating for a while. if your anxiety is really bad, I really recommend you take a break to really look into yourself and your behavior. I don't think you have to be perfect and healed to be in a relationship, but taking time alone is essential
#5 watch youtube videos. Watch literally EVERYTHING from the Personal Development School and Alan Robarge. Alan is a bit more high level but he is seriously a savior
The books I recommend are: Attached (tbh I don't love the book, but it provides simple concepts). Daring to love (for when you're ready to date again) and the Dialetical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook (You can find pdfs for all of these online)
Good luck!! I believe in you. Most of all, be aware that this process will take A WHILE, don't expect immediate change!!!
I would say I'm definitely an anxious attachment style, no questions about it. But I've been noticing that sometimes when I try very hard and put in a lot of effort just to be rejected by the avoidant partner... After a long time, I get sick of it and I myself tend to become more avoidant and not care as much
I’m avoidant, she’s anxious. She dumped me because she said she was sick of me being distant in the relationship but I felt that it didn’t matter how much I gave she wanted more and I just didn’t meet her expectations. I miss her
Holy shit it's almost as if you're talking about me and my ex. Exactly the same complaints on her part, she said she felt like I didn't put enough work on the relationship as she did (and she was partially right), but I also feel like I could never "catch up" to her, meet her expectations etc...
Damn, I broke up with my boyfriend because of the same reason but he genuinely isn't giving me time
Then go get her
Not only that the Anxious person starts it super early and makes you THINK you'll never be able to give them enough so you get anxious yourself about even trying. You feel like they have an over romanticized view of relationships because they were obsessively attached to their ex and you'll never be a movie romance. It's a feedback loop of negativity. Personally I think anxious people try to run all over you and really want to date a pushover with no boundaries. Somehow we're the bad person in all of this. You have to take it slow and learn to trust one another and communicate, there's no rush. I offered so many compromises and it was never enough. There was no logic in how we'd compromise it was do what she said or get guilted.
I think what avoidant people can miss is that often times it’s the lack of communication about your need for space and when you’ll be back- I dated someone avoidant and it felt like they just wanted space but didn’t tell me they wanted space or give me the reassurance that they wanted to see me again after that space, I always felt like I was at his whim. Then when I expressed dissatisfaction and asked for better responsiveness, I was told “it will never be enough “ like he could never provide enough reassurance. And I don’t think that’s true at all. It’s about building trust and if the avoidant behaves somewhat unpredictable and doesn’t share how they feel, it creates a burning anxiety. But I have felt secure with someone when they show that at least they want to and are making and effort to be more clear about the space they need rather than just completely putting up a wall hoping for the other person to just get the hint.
I'm anxious but working my way to secure ♥️♥️♥️ I've made a lot of progress 🙌🏽
Another beautiful one. So lovely that people like yourself exist Rory. Thank you
Thank you so much Rory
Big thanks from Thailand 🇹🇭
It's the typical 'pull and push' scenario. The more you push\anxious, the more they pull away\avoid. We as individuals have to find a balance within ourselves so we're neither. 🍒
cat and mouse run/chase, defined my recent relationship.
i know rory will give the best 300th video!!! im waiting for it!
I highly recommend the book "attached" to educate on this topic
Who is the author of the book?
@@digitalfairy8921 I can't remember ,but if you just search "attached" you will find the book
Attached: Author Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, M. A.
I'm half way through and it has really opened my eyes to relationships!
❤️Your content Rory. Keep helping people. ❤️ From 🇮🇳
I’m totally an avoidant attached though I have never thought of that “3 tap trick” I love it!! Thanks Rory! Listener from Spain 🇪🇸
Great video! I've seen many many videos on these exact same combinations, this one is BY FAR the best. You actually offer ideas on what to do and very actionable steps. i.e. Going to therapy, as an Anxious attachment person, explain how you are and ask for a compromise, for the Avoidant attachment person, communicate that you need space and ensure your partner knows they've done nothing wrong and you just need space due to your attachment style.
Whereas other videos just tell you "Oh this could very well be an issue, good luck!". You will get 50K very soon. And you deserve much more, I appreciate you Rory :)
Great new ideas Rory👍♥️
Thank you for posting the videos so often. They really help with my anxiety and depression of my breakup even though it was more than a year ago. ❤
My longest anxiety lasted 3 years. It's fine dude. Teake your time. Just notice your thoughts about that person try not to analyze it.
Great video. Thank you
I'm as you described "has had bad things happen to them in their life (both adult and teenager) and pushes people away". I still talk to this person and he recently is dating someone new. He asked me something last week and I was brutally honest and told him about those things in my past....he seemed like he cared, but has since blown me off 3 nights in a row.
I wish I knew all this stuff just 2 or 3 months ago. I've discovered I have an anxious attachment style and my ex-GF has some avoidant tendencies at the very least. It might have saved my relationship. I'm now trying to address my issues with therapy and improving myself. Craig Kenneth has a ton of videos on attachment styles and I'd highly recommend those. I smothered my ex-GF. When I look back I can see it all clear as day. And what's especially tragic about it all is I really believe I could have avoided her breaking up with me. Neither one of us was extreme. She could be affectionate at times, she just needed some space sometimes. And I could be needy and clingy, but I was not jealous and never tried to interfere with her spending time with her friends. I have been in no contact for about 5 weeks now and am working on myself. Thankfully I've avoided the usual begging/pleading and she has not felt the need to block me or unfriend me. I truly hope to get another chance with her.
I'm rooting for you man, I'm in the same situation but in my case I found out she lied after the break up. This absolutely made my NC period with her turn into complete distrust and in fact helps me move on (sadly).
I appreciate Rory for being blunt to me during our coaching session 2 weeks ago. He told me I have fearful-avoidant attachment style and it made me realize a lot of sh*t. Anyway, thanks again Rory ☺️
I hope you're doing well!
How are you not over 50k you should be in the 100k+
All in good time :)
I am definitely anxious because of my past. After my ex bf left me my anxiety has gone through the roof. He has diagnosed depression which let him to break up with me. (he's in therapy and his therapist didn't want him to break up) He became so distant. Made the mistake to send him a 9min voice message a week after the break up. In NC for 2 weeks now no response since then. I hope to get therapy too fingers crossed
I recently discovered my ex was avoidant I'm fairly secure currently in no contact she wanted to be friends but the signs and it could have been saved are apparent now what do I do please please help
His advice really works i stopped talking to my ex for a few months and she came back with a text message we talked I slightly mention missing her and she said same i said we can be a couple but we need to change a few things to make it work thank you for your help
Seriously? Can you give an update now?
@@SirValeous I wasted my time on that girl but I found a new girl that has been the longest relationship so far
I feel like I begin avoidant then become anxious..
I think it’s about having your guard up, it seems like avoidant but then once you feel vulnerable and let someone in, it can wake up the anxious that was waiting there beneath.
I'm currently intrigued, and probably not going to find the answer, by the fact that my most significant five relationships have all ended with me being left.
Ofcourse being left probably boosts them in my memory but it feels deeper, I have a very low temper and have a oft pointed out low threshold for anything in life, I'm very much an all you need is love kind of guy but I feel like my exes have all been driven to achieve things, my recent breakup is the first one that has pushed me into improving this and I do now have drive...
She clearly doesn't want it now but it almost feels unfair that she's not going to gain the benefit from this finally happening when it's all she wanted for the last few years
Great video! Your content absolutely has helped a lot of people, including me! 😃By the way.. can you please consider talking about having a romance with men/women that have kids from previous relationships? Is it really worthy? Does it work out? Is that kind of relationship doomed? Should you avoid it at all costs specially if you're childless?
Sure thing!
@@TheLoveChat wow! Thanks for replying 🤗 looking forward for that video , it would be an interesting topic to see your take about how can relationships be if they have kids with their ex partner and wants to date someone else that is childless
Let me know when you post it!
Ok just found this and my ex is avoidant .... fits 100% the characteristics....
She wanted to be friends... i said no im too romantically involved..
Now in week 5 no contact ....
PLEASE HELP ... DO I STAY NO CONTACT
Yep! You did exactly what you should have done
Stay no contact- not to provoke a response but because you deserve someone who has similar values for communication and desires to share that with with.
Need a video on actual anxious avoidant ex. I’m 90% sure my ex is an anxious avoidant.. and there’s like 0 info on AAs
But ex fits criteria of both attachment theories and it’s was doing my head in tbh. Then I got over it haha
Anxious avoidant is not the correct name, it's actually called fearful avoidant. Check out the UA-cam channel "personal development school" And you will find a ridiculous amount of information on it!
@@TheLoveChat literally the guy 👑
ohhh first
You win!
@@TheLoveChat 😂👍