What Is Toxic Shame
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- Опубліковано 5 лют 2022
- Toxic shame is the underlying sense of feeling worth less and it is placed into us by our caregivers in childhood. The shame has become internalized, it is now a state of being and not just an episodic event.
An angry person is an example..it’s not that they get angry, they ARE angry.
This toxic shamed person has lost their authentic self and is now a false Shame based self.
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Hi, I'm Kenny and I created this channel for you!
It has been my experience that the media, society, and our parents often teach us to avoid admitting, facing, or talking about any of our negative feelings and experiences.
This belief system cripples us. As a result, we are without the basic skills to navigate the simplest of life's ups and downs.
Even worse, it creates a separation from our authentic self because we learn the world will shame us for our slightest imperfection.
My life turned around when I realized that the answer is in the opposite.
I discovered that the solution to an authentic life lies in our ability to admit, accept, and love our perfect imperfections.
That can only happen when we heal the pain from the past that created the shame by becoming trauma informed.
Because when we make peace with even the darkest parts of ourselves, we are capable of loving ALL of ourselves. Therefore we are authentic.
Without it, we are stuck in purgatory. Instead, we are reliving the original pain and shame in our relationships, career, health, and hobbies.
Therefore, the secret to avoiding a life stuck in limbo is developing emotional mastery.
When we gain that knowledge, develop it into a skill that becomes a tool, we stop picking toxic relationships.
We don't settle for unsatisfying careers. We don't struggle with depression or health issues. We stop the self-sabotage!
In short, we develop a deep emotional calm, peace, personal love, trust, and respect for ourselves that we can now share with others.
If that is what you want, you are in the right place.
I am excited to be a part of YOUR journey in helping you to heal the pain from your past, love your perfect imperfections, and reclaim your authentic self by developing Emotional Mastery!
#Kenny Weiss life coach #Kenny Weiss UA-cam #What is toxic shame
I am 62 and i was nicknamed trouble the day i was born and was given beer and wine in my baby bottle and continued on drinking cause i didn't know no different but I've been sober for 11 years now but suffer from so much shame and pain and everything you've talked about but am trying to figure things out and listening to you is helping. . Please continue to try and help as many people as you can. Thank you so much for your videos
Omg I’m so sorry! That’s just unbelievable to read but I believe you. I thought my father was bad giving my brother and I pot at 14 and 11 respectively.. lots of love to you ❤
🙏🙏🙏
I truly hope we become a more compassionate world by first recognising that everyone has a hurt inner child in them. Thank you again
I have a mother who will flat out say “that didn’t happen” when I bring up something she did a week ago, much less in my childhood. And when I “accuse” her she gets explosive and indignant like I have offended her good name. My dad is so oblivious he doesn’t understand what a father is and was an absolute raging tyrant my entire childhood. They are horrible, insidiously manipulative evangelicals whose family system is essentially a cult. I’m trying to disentangle from them financially, have been for months, but all I have is an Uber eats job and a car that’ll last another two years. And a friend who says she has my back and means well but I know she’s not that reliable.
I just went through all of the family pictures and threw most of the ones I’m in away. I could see pain in them. This helps me understand the generational trauma and toxic shame. We don’t even have to DO ANYTHING to feel this. Wild.
My parents divorced when I was 12, and they shared custody 50/50. As a result I received 2 very different parenting styles: perfectionistic from my father, who was raised this way by his own father, and unstructured from my mother, who really just expected me to be able to figure things out on my own. As I aged into my teen years I developed Depression and anxiety, which only grew worse as I got older. I think that this parenting played a large role in multiple ongoing mental health and other life issues such as attachment. I have always had a feeling that until today I could only describe as 'embarrassment", but that I realized suddenly today is actually shame. This video was a huge eye-opener for me, thank you. I hope to be able to move forward with recovery with this information.
You’re very welcome if you need help and your recovery I would suggest my book and my master classes. If you need more information don’t hesitate to reach out
18:15 I had the no structure but no encouragement to grow up either. Fed, housed, money offered too freely without structure like an allowance, parents worked all the time, generally ate dinner together but no discussion about my life. I could have been bullied or spit on and no one would know. I sucked up all my pain on my own. Never occurred to me to bring anything up because no one asked me anything. Fed, housed all through my 20s, financial enablement but no guidance or structure. So I had "mental problems" and I was expected to do all the work to "change" when, as I realize now, the problem was that I got no guidance to help me function properly. In midlife, I've finally become aware of things. I used to be totally uncomfortably self-conscious about myself especially since I'm prone to overanalysis yet unaware of things but now with the right kind of awareness, I am becoming less self-conscious because I understand things including myself better.
I relate to your situation a lot. Thank you so much for sharing it. Wishing you success on your healing journey
I tried for military after high school and my mom was so resistant and discouraging I felt like she was a huge reason I was disqualified at the medical exam and told to try again later. My moms fear and shame she was projecting onto me was seen by others. I hate how emotions that aren’t even our own can impact our lives. I’ve always told my mom that the way they treat us the universe will follow suit. If your parents don’t give their blessing all doors will be slammed shut
Yes and that’s what the shame shows. We become our parents emotional condition and therefore my book and all of my master classes show you how to give them their feelings back and take control of your life
I agree with this!! People become who they are encouraged to be. I have personally failed at things i KNOW i wouldve succeeded at had i not had someone “speaking death” over me about it. Thats when you get mentors and people in youre life who believe in you and the ‘impossible’ 👍🏼
Do you have a video about how being a scapegoat in childhood changes you?
This is dynamite. You channel is probably the best there is on these subjects. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you for that. That’s very nice of you and you are so welcome😁
I feel the same way I wonder how he doesn't have a million followers
Great video Kenny.
@@Psalmreading Thank you both. 😁
@@Psalmreading Because the truth isn't popular. Too many self help gurus have fake, easy solutions.
@@smartypants6198 Well my goal is to advocate for truth and healing and to do my best to make people comfortable with being uncomfortable so that they can live their best life
Some of us are still living in it . Physically living in there .
You have just told my story from day one and stir in me now all the pain, fear and shame I have carried all my life. My heart is racing badly and I feel so weak
Thank you for showing me something that has always been there, but I couldn't put my finger on it and understand it the way you explained! Much obliged.
I’ve been digging into my trauma for 2 years now and I’ve literally listened over 200 videos and today “shame” came to mind and this video was the 5th ibex watch on this subject and now I feel like this will be the last video I’d need!
No, we're all not filled with toxic shame. Some of us were given unconditional love in spite of faults and errors, thats part of growing up. The world moves on, as my mom always said if I came home with a bad grade. Nothing to make a big deal of, I was still the best she could ever ask for.
My adult sisters are huge into shaming all their lives and even still. They are in their 60s and 70s. They still try to use shame to try to control.
I’m really sad to hear that I hope it changes for you soon
@@kennyweiss oh I'm sure they'll change soon. Lol.
What i don,t understand is that there are people with you tube channels, so called influencers in the make-up world ( and i like to watch them too as a woman) they have received awards from you tube for 100.000 subscribers or 200.000 and become wealthy. This channel should have so much more subscribers, here,s a chance to learn, get some insights in yourself. but i guess you will get lead to the master when the student is ready. This video was confronting but very good. I appreciate you and thank you for all the video,s
My mother refuses to give me my pictures from growing up because she knows what is very obvious
Thank god you brought up the Facebook parenting trend. My goodness those videos of gentle parenting are not hitting the mark. Sometimes your child is going to be upset and have to be told no. They cannot mentally always understand the meaning behind it despite how gentle the parenting is. These children won’t be able to emotionally regulate when let down at all in adulthood and will be so entitled it’s terrifying
This explains why African Communities lived in one homestead (Boma). There, all 3,4 or 5 generations would live together communal and new parents had the benefit of generational knowledge on child rearing. Initiation rituals trained children in the various stages of their lives, empathy and "ujamaa" or in my tribe "nyumba" "itura" ensured that no one fell through the cracks. Heinous crimes such as murder were completely unheard of, and even in times of war, only males that resisted joining tribes died... women and children were never harmed... modern communities viability in relation to family bonds need to be evaluated...
EXCELLENT OBSERVATION, and true to a greater or lesser degree of tribal cultures - "progress" has led us away from who we are, and the only way back is to remember(and reconstruct) our "primitive" cultures.
"The child not embraced by the village will burn it for warmth"
-African proverb
Wow. This explains EVERYTHING.
Fuck! This is the third time I see this video. I got John Bradshaws book "Healing the shame that binds you" and I still cringe at the realizations I get watching this. Both as a wounded shamed child and a wounding/shaming parent. This is painful... but its positive pain. Thank you for this video.
You are so welcome. And I admire your guts and courage to face truth. We are all perfectly imperfect and we all make mistakes and the solution is to always seek the truth. From there we can repair ourselves and our relationship with our children. If you have not picked up a copy of my book it would really help you tie these pieces together and if you need help with the recovery aspect for a limited time you can gain access to my complete emotional mastery method master classes all nine of them for only $47 a month. It’ll transform your life and your relationships with yourself and your kids. If you’d like to know more let me know and I will send you the link. Again, I commend you for your guts and courage and your obvious love for your children for being willing to see your truth
This guy is EXPERT.
Children should not be raised u raise cattle children should be allowed to blossom.. Sadhguru
My parents made a lot of parenting mistakes but I definitely made big mistakes it’s sucks because I’m learning this now and my children are adults now going through their own trauma as I’m trying to heal from mine. I have every single one of those traits!
Omg!!! Thank you ! I love your way of explaining things.
You dropped so many truths !!!! Specially about parenting . When I try to explain this “ child being raised by the nanny,daycare, etc, I get such resistance and eye rollings from people that feel that “ times have changed “ or “ times are different “
I have been aware of this through many years of doing the inner work , but specifically through my own suffering of severe child neglect and abandonment. I am in my 40’s and I am still trying to fix what broke.
Yet, as the rebel that I am I was committed not to make the same mistakes. And so I attribute my parenting skills to divine intervention. I raised twin boys as a nineteenth year old girl mostly alone; no family members to help, and while entangled in a toxic relationship with an unhealthy man.
Nevertheless, something good came out of my trauma- I raised pretty healthy boys that went on to make it further than I could possibly imagine. My strength and commitment to provide emotionally catapulted them so far away from my own beginnings. One of them graduated from Ivy League college and is pursuing a law degree as of now; the other one attended culinary school and is a chef for well known company. They both have high self esteem, healthy friendships and are living a well balanced life. I don’t say this to brag, as I myself continue to work on my own healing . I say this to stress the importance of putting in the emotional work a child needs - something that NO ONE else can replace. No childcare center,
No Nanny - no matter how loving she is, and no nursery ( check out the works of Dr. Gabor Mate on this subject )
I have experienced both ends of the spectrum first hand. Being raised without a competent parent that nurtured me with anything at all !, and also raising children with awareness and intention. Moral of the story : Invest in your children emotional and psychological well being. Nothing is more important than that! Nothing !
Side note : You/ Us don’t have to be perfect; we just have to be good enough.
This video has me in tears but is exactly what I needed to hear today.
I have never resonated with anything in my life than this. I wondered and prayed soo much to know what was wrong with me. It feels liberating to know that toxic shame is a thing. I thought i was the only one experiencing this.
I agree Wendy Williams is hurt. But that’s also why she sees through bs and is pretty accurate with her assessments of people. She’s been through it all.
Boom Kenny, you nailed it again ❤
And I'm inspired by your sense of presence, humor and compassion and not vomiting all over the place😆
Big hug - great work - thanks🙏
WOW! You have totally opened my eyes! Every time you speak, relevant memories pop into my head, so I can release those feelings. Thank you for all you do. Brilliant!!!
You’re welcome 😁
Thank you for sharing that Grace is ok. I’m there and you validated my thoughts when toxic shame tries to bury me alive once again 60+ years. Lifesaver
Thank you Kenny, this hits the mark center-of-mass.💘
I find your videos to be very helpful. For the first time in my life I am finally thinking that I need to see a therapist specifically for childhood trauma.
I’m really happy to hear that they’re helping you. If you need any help navigating the pain from your past, I have many ways and would be happy to point you in the right direction
@@kennyweiss If you would like to DM me i'd be happy to look over what you have to offer.
Thank you soooo much for this. I loved so much of what you said, from how cancel culture hurts us to how everyone, including people we look up to, is hurt like everyone else. I hope we become a more compassionate world by first recognizing that everyone has a hurt inner child in them. Thank you again
You’re welcome 😁
Thank you for being bold and for discussing these vital topics.
Kenny you've just described my whole like life. i don't know what to say but it, answers a lot of things iv been struggling with and had no clue, just frustration and self loathing.
Got the parenting styles all together in my mom.
Some people work because they have no choice .
Simply love your videos.
You are sooooooo authentic.
Very educating stuff.
Transparency.... We all absolutely need it.
Thank you. 🙏💚🌺🥀🌟
That's funny but true! Do I know someone between 14 and 30 that has it figured out emotionally? These videos are truly helpful!
Very good! Well spoken!
Glad you think so!
I just love your videos
Thank you for being yourself, authentic. I appreciate the help.
You’re welcome 😁
Brilliant! 🎉
Definitely guilty of being hurt and hurting my daughter. ...one step at a time
Don't hurt him we must be inspiration for our children next
Well described
Aah yeah no wonder this was bothering me so much as well shame from some form of abandonment trauma as a kid and has absorbed so much of all of this shit
Thank you Kenny
for today's video so much about feeling based to take ownership of our own feeling/s to take ownership to bring up into reality wow
The very first time I heard one of your videos
'How To Reprogram Your Subconscious Mind'
Published Mar
2021
Glad I found you Kenny now I subscribe to your videos and go to your channel to reconnect with my own personal recovery
Enjoy your today and everyday 😁
You are so welcome. I’m really glad you feel you get the answers you’re looking for from what I talk about and teach
So what's the answer, discipline, no discipline? Seems like depending on where you get your info jts all going to end up causing trouble in your childs future.
My wife and I currently took custody of my niece who's 14 years old and have no other children and no experience raising children. She just lost her mother to suicide (my biological sister) and she's a handful and is constantly making bad choices. We are patient and she making a lot of progress but still has more set backs when she thinks she can get away with it. We have told her she's a good kid and its her decisions that are bad and that there is nothing she can do to make us not love and want her and there's not but this is a tough one for us. The best advice I can think if is to love her through it, no matter what it is. I don't know where I'm going with this but it sure seems like a "deal with it as it comes" approach is the most practical when raising children and no one size fits all.
Lol your 100% right about legislating words and hate speech and how much if a joke it is.
Cheers!!
Good on you for stepping up, you're doing the most important work there is and doing the best you can-it sounds like you have a good attitude about things in your approach, but help yourself by getting her and yourselves all the help you can, she's been through a lot as have you, I'm sorry for both your losses. Love her and LISTEN TO her, enjoy your life with her in it and let her KNOW that you do, and be the calm and steady safety she needs. My wife and I raised my stepdaughter's 3 boys, a task I was not qualified for but there was no one else willing- there were problems for various reasons (prior abuse and in-law meddling, etc.) and it was very challenging, but they've come out of it better than they would have without us- the oldest told me a couple weeks ago how thankful he was for what we gave them, and that makes it all worthwhile. Just do your best, you've got this, Hero.
You're right, my parents were no road map
Raised by wolves basically. My parents were more detrimental than nurturing in any shape or form.
We are earthenware , we haven't been smashed just cracked. We can fill the cracks in with Gold and fill us up with self love no room for shame. Thank you so much love from Albuquerque.
This is a really good one. I didn't know that about shyness. I'm hoping to prevent my kids from turning into me, as I was a shy kid. I'm reading your book now, and then I'll sign up for the $47/month video subscription.
So about the child in daycare, i did not have a choice on whether I could stay home, as a single mom had to support them. My children had an amazing bond with their daycare teachers and we even spent holidays and birthdays together. Do you have any examples of what is a non toxic, non traumatizing parenting? Or is it just inevitable that growing up in general is traumatizing?
I love you Kenny. Thank you for existing! Your ability to decipher body language is amazing. You could work for the FBI.
Every picture that I have from (even as a toddler), I wasn’t smiling and had a Very pouty look on my face. Pretty sad child.
That’s unfortunate
I like this guy’s style 😎
The cracks are how the light gets in.
My mom trashed all the photos of us because she said she was sick of packing them when she moved. No mom genes
16:05 yup!
Agree about Wendy Williams. Watching her going under the knife over and over was just so heartbreaking. I thought, can she not see why she’s doing this?? Why isn’t anyone telling her how broken she is. and why is she on tv? 😔
Lmfao I love your videos
Ouch! So damaged me, damaged my only child?. She crashed my helicopter and went to another country far away 😢
Sorry to hear.
Sad but too true. Maybe reach out, cautiously
People with zero emotional intelligence say they turned out ok from their childhood 😂
And i stay away from people that tells me, : " well, i dont have any good memories from my childhood".. That it so sad
Yes, college courses. Amen.
say it sista! ;-)
@@kennyweiss 😁👍
College is too late, and many who need it most would never receive the benefit BECAUSE of the trauma- this needs to be a non-elective topic throughout school, which has become the defacto "parent" for many generations since endless wars and the "cultural revolution" of the 60s left us all orphans. Gen Xer here without a childhood, I lost it in 'Nam, it was trampled during a peace march for "equality"- now we're all equally broken, that worked out so well!
Is shame based parenting the bedrock of OCD/Scrupulosity and having a fearful avoidant attachment style?
Many childhood experiences can lead to those and Shame can be one of them
Tell me about it.
Between you @abd that woman I see on utube, you're nailing it in the head
Thank you Jennifer
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Thank you for saying that about the PLANdemic....
Thank you for being bold and for discussing these vital topics.
Thank you for being bold and for discussing these vital topics.