Star Wars The Acolyte Ep3: I Almost Died to Death of Cringe
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- Опубліковано 10 вер 2024
- Disney Star Wars is Finished. They have ruined every hope of a redemption arc. The power of one = the power of cringe.
Patreon: patreon.com/user?u=94887837
#disney #starwars #theacolyte
The power of number two is strong with this one
Power of poo, power of pee :)
@@AI_MEME_CORP the lyrics really need an extra syllable there. Might I suggest " the power of pee pee"
power of poop?
I went out to my backyard and buried my Star Wars collection. Goodbye SW #PassDaShovel
...the golden shower of many.
"I scissored my way to the top" one really made me laugh out loud
Les Headland is one of those people that makes me think "sometimes you CAN judge a book by it's cover"
It is very considerate of these weirdoes, to let us know their nasty personality just by their appearance.
Books have a cover for a reason. It gives you a pretty good idea of what's inside. Not judging covers is insane
@@HansKlopek Relying on the cover too much is unwise, also.
@@someinteresting yes but more times than not it gives you a solid idea of what you're dealing with.
@@someinteresting that's why I read the dust cover...
Stone building on fire is what you get when nobody has mansplained fire to you.
*“But as that jet fuel starts melting steel beams, Bongqueesha uses the power of really smart and really funny to escape the inside job..”* 😂
RIP to all who died to death from this show.
"the """""""""thread"""""""" is not a weapon you can wield" proceeds to wield it by force pushing people around including children, then causes a padawans eyes to turn BLACK as she takes over his mind...not evil at all, not "wielding the force/thread" at all..riiiight
What children? Aren't those "clumps of cells" or some other new-science invented to justify murder and shit? Interesting. That would mean LGBTQTII+ etc, etc, are "clumps of cells" and subject to late term abortion. Welcome to your own circular logic nightmare - I think I'll start with the toenails.....
Proof that the writers don't know what they're writing about.
I’m going to interpret this as the witches using dark side philosophy, though they’re still hypocrites
The T-virus reanimated the dead corpse of Star Wars, but it just became a horribly mangled monster.
:D
Does this nemesis stalk around hunting down what's left of canon groaning "S.T.A.R.S. wars"..... With a Disney brand, Black Rock built rocket launcher by any chance?
Mother where is father? Oh Tyrese, he just popped down to get some cigarettes he'll be back any day now. Golden!😂
"I scissored my way up to the top"😂😂
"Ribbed For Her Pleasure."
Lol.
*"Always gay, they are. No straight. No lass. A top and a bottom."*
- Master Yoda, speaking about the SHIT.
Just…. Just take my upvote. This is gold.
incredible!
Master Yoda is wise.
😂
The fact that there's no space AIDS to go with space homosexuality broke the suspension of disbelief
That chanting should go down in history as the absolute low point.
It's hated by one, hated by two! Hated by Maaannnnnnnnnnyyyyyyy.
Your review is like 1000% more entertaining than the episode, not that I would spend any time or money watching it. Thanks for going insane for us.
Your percentage score, is, accurate!
When I finished this episode. I was , WTF did I just watch and had a Johnny Walker to really made the time spent useful.
This is the first synopsis of this episode that I actually made it all the way through. Thank you for making it palatable!
"Ugadan Society of Magical Knees That Grow"? My man, you are killing me! 👍🏾👍🏾
This is far more entertaining than anything Disney’s put out in decades.
Each moment of this show cost Disney 83,333. Let that sink in. The original mad max was made for less. I need to work at Disney- 0 accountability
how many boxes can you check?
Do you have dirt on Iger?
Almost Died to Death earned you this follow
"Accidentally" having the "pointing guy" put his finger in Shaniqua's and Vonquisha's nostril.
I think the nostril pointer is in every single video on this channel!
Its bonequisha....dam you white boys can't hear or spell can you😂😂😂
Now don't mad and block me when I talk sh!t just like you doing. I know of you feminine British dude can't take the heat😂😂😂
gets me every time
I need to see some penetration...
you can tell that this was written by people who dont have children...or understand how fire and things that can burn work. i also was surprised at the undertones of the black mother undermining the white mother and having this look of utter contempt and "i fcking dare you to say something so i can smack you" face
Oh my gosh Anne Boleyn has a giant ringworm infestation on her forehead!!!
WTF?!?
Anne Boleyn was said to be the most beautiful woman in England 😟
Yet now, her Beauty defies description, argue that observation, and be litigated back to the stone age.
Legend has it the writer gained liftoff while shitting out this show.
No joke this is the greatest video iv seen in years. You're sharp and hilarious. You see the world for what it is
Some of these stock images like Shakespeare on the laptop will always remind me of this channel 😂
"i want to join the jedi"
"ill kill you!"
i was so shocked i didnt laugh but i instead mumbled "what the actual fck...." and it just became a theme watching this entire episode. burning rocks, sociopath children, spoiled children who have no discipline (anyone whos raised kids can see the undertones of one parent undermining the other and being an arse hole about it) when they talk about killing the jedi, they arent worried about having a good reason as to why, because frankly the jedi said "with your permission of course" and were being totally chill, but they are more worried about the consequences if they do kill them.
Haven't watched the show but I have been on a cringe binge of people talking about it.
It's way better than anything on D+.
This is a true story. I was one of the sapphic witches who died inexplicably. I am so sorry for this episode. I reincarnated yesterday, daddy was watching UA-cam while chest-feeding me, and I saw this review. I am so sorry for this stupidity. I promise to be a real human this time. Please love me while you're at it, thanks...
😂😂😂😂😂
I don't have Disney+ and wouldn't watch this if I had it, but I've enjoyed watching the reviews! This seems like this was probably the pilot for this show, but Disney has some people with brains left working for them that knew this sucked. So, they did the ol' bait and switch trying to get people into the show with episodes 2 & 3 (now called 1 & 2). Not that that worked out. I think half the viewers are guys who review these things on UA-cam. And I'm grateful for you all. Very entertaining!
People on pirate sites don’t even bother downloading this show.
@@tylerskiss Same as Netflix, not even worth stealing.
Disney only gets woker and woker everyday.
I can't believe that was a sentence, but times are dark for them
Twins - and the possibility of people confusing them because they are separated as children and meet againlater in life- is a brilliant and brave creation by Disney that no one has ever thought of before. Certainly not Plautus in his play The Twins and definitely not Shakespeare in Comedy of Errors - which had two sets of twins and so was four times funnier. Disney missed a trick though. Imagine three sets of triplets separated at birth and meeting later in life. I think that would be 27 tines as confusing and so lead to lots of plot opportunities.
Oh and the triplets are black, white and Asian, are all strong women and lesbos.
Can I write for Disney?
You couldn't pay me enough to watch this shite. This channel deserves at least 100K subscribers for making something entettaing out of it. I've been enjoying these reviews for almost a year and keep expecting to see a big jump in views and subs. He deserves to be up there with the Critical Drinker and Nerdrotic.
The Jedi are coming, boss! Should I lock the door and tell them to go away?
No don't bother, I'm sure it will be fine.
I wanna be a Jedi!
Do you know what a Jedi is?
Nope!
OK child, here is your test question - do you know why a rock sinks and a ship floats?
Yes of course I do, the stone looks down and the ship looks up!
Were you told to fail this test?
Can't believe there are people who said that break canon doesn't matter🤦♂️
R.I.P Star Wars💀💐🕊
“MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU “. I mean thread.
The power of two thumbs up here! You nailed it!
Disney: Anakin is the chosen one? No no Star Wars need to have the chosen two in order for the galaxy to get the chosen many of strong female characters.
-strong- black, female lead.
Two ticks, right there, If only she had a limp, point squandered there Disney.
I wish there was an algorithm that would recommend only channels like this one. You are right up there with Robot Head and That’s Retarded. ❤
Most entertaining review of this episode I've seen so far.
“Cringe connoisseur” lmao😆
I really appreciate your episode reviews! 🙏🤩
Would you say those flammable stone walls are not OSHA approved?😅
I’ll find the door myself…
Turns out their buildings isn't made from stone, it's foam the whole mountain is foam heck the whole planet, Planet foam
"Oh yeees, yeees, I love appropriating other people's history on channel 5"
☠️😂😂😂☠️
Wow this episode is already the most historic tv episode ever aired. I have never seen so many channels, popular and small, destroying this episode. It is already a masterclass on how not to write ANYTHING. But to quote Bob Iger “ nah, it’ll be fine.”
If they wanted Star Wars to appeal to women, you need the characters to be overly sensitive gossipers who are into fashion and makeup surrounded by a circle of friendnemies
And, we have to have women, in their spaceships, complaining about where all the good men are on Tik Tok.
Appel to woman? The siblings they are man, one evil, one good. And they are in love with the some bland girl, the protagonist
Bon bons and box wine*
Apppeal to women? Easy get a main cast of Henry Cavill/Tom Hardy/ Travis Fimmel..doing sppace schenanighans thats it...no need for this crap disney came up with
"I don't want you to leave so I'm going to burn you to death". Literally the most unbelievable plot point since Anakin's turn to the dark side in Revenge of the Sith. The whole scene is probably going to turn out to be false, but it would need to be believable in the first place for that to work.
That is abusive domestic relationship territory. "if I can't have you, then no one will have you!" Proceeds to delete victim.
Statistically speaking, at least in the US, if you are in the same demographic as the witches then you are the most likely to commit or suffer from domestic violence.
Although I didn’t hear about any softball or Subaru references, they put this one easter egg in the series.
I’m also curious as to how the Jedi killed all the witches. They’ve established that light sabers are no longer lethal.
Dollars to doughnuts the jedi killed all the stunning and braves, but that won't take away the fact that Shaniqua said she'd kill her and started the fire.
Dude, Anakin's downfall happened after a DECADE of putting up with the Jedi and their double standards
This was written by Terrence Howard where 1x1=2
One, two, what's comes next? Maaany...
Yeah... Instead of watching the next episode, I'm going to pop out and get some cigarettes.
Me too, and I don’t smoke.
Somebody told me once that my Dad called 'em smokes*
Yup, 100% correct. That’s some next level, Grade A cringe right there.
How much you want to bet this show gets willowed and deleted off D+ for a tax write off.
I wouldn't be betting on that my man, it was made by lesbicans with lesbicans and for lesbicans. That's triple protection right there.
@@harkbelialthey will prefer to suffer with the indignity forever than to mess with vindictive, rancourous lesbians
@@harkbelial Are any lesbicans watching? Somehow, I doubt it.
@harkbelial
Yes, but Willow also contained a female love interest plot line, and it is very gone.
The creativity evident in this video is breath taking.
I am binge watching Acolyte reviews (never watched the show) and this one is Gold Medal lol
To quote Weezer
-"Hold this Thread,
as I walk away"
The funniest reviews on the internet.
At this point I think id rather watch this then the actual show.
May the thread be with you once a month
Is it just me or do the young twins not look like each other? Are we supposed to not be able to tell them apart because they both have the same hair? I think I'm having trouble trying to figure out just how high my suspension of disbelief should be suspended for any of this to make sense. The power of Manny? Who the F is Manny?
Indeed they don't. Even though the grown up versions are identical, being played by the same actor. It's almost like the non-racist and inclusive creators of this show think POC all look the same.
This is hilariously unhinged
The Smackolyte
SackoShite*
If I stay here, I will literally become a cat lady ...
THEEEE POWEEERERRR OF CRINGEEEEE
This is your best yet. I love how these witches are mathematically challenged. "The power of One, the power of Two, uhh (What number comes after two? I don't know! Many?) The power of Manyyyyy!!!!"
I've been so excited to hear your take on episode 3! You did not disappoint 😅😅😅😅
Ac, Ep 3 is hate speech to: stepparents, and parents that adopt, and parents that love and raise children dumped by their parents or accidental to a crime; by saying they DON'T MATTER where the baby daddy, the rapist, the "life giver" DOES MATTER and all the mother was is a bucket and the loving care givers DON'T MATTER!
I lost five years of sobriety after witnessing this.
I avoided all the other recaps of this episode waiting for your review. Yours are my favorite.
Lol dude you are fucking hilarious. Jolly good, keep it going bruh
Funny thing is, if they're twins, they're not perfect twins. I mean you can clearly see they look different. They couldn't even find perfect twins to act in this shit.
Fun Star Wars fact: "Spice" is canonically the collective name for a group of highly illegal and extremely addictive drugs in the Star Wars galaxy.
The power of many aids this episode gave everyone
May the thread be with you. The thread is always right.
I totally still have the same "John Connor from T2" hairdo from when I was 11... doesn't everybody?
The myocarditis joke is gold.
Even ChatGPT couldn't write a worse script.
I'm convinced that Chap GPT wrote this series with the prompt "put a chick in it and make it gay and lame".
Yaaaaaas yaaaaaaas!
You never EVER wanna die to death. Especially not from cringe.
7:38 Wait that bow looks like it was bought of the shelf at Walmart lol they cant even be bothered to make there own props, how meany millions was this show again? LOL
This is so bad I went out of my way to watch someone I've never seen before talk about how bad it is.
well i dont know about all of you but i for one would not call taking a dump in your hand and smearing it on a piece of paper "writing"
The chosen one, the chosen two, the chosen manny scissor sisters.
I know a couple of twins and theres nothing they hate more than being treated as one entity and forced to do same crap just cause theyre twins (incl hair and clothes) Her rebelling against that cringy ritual was prob the only believable thing in that episode.
This episode is the high-water mark of the chaos corruption of Star Wars. Star Wars has been slowly DEI'ing a miserable, painful expiration, for a very long time now. It was inevitable that once witches started to become a major intrigue of Disney - and they have been (thanks, Filoni) since about 2013 - that the floodgates would open for a lot more of this kind of thing. It began with the Nightsisters and their totally-not-a-cynical-dog-whistle-to-misandrists, Female dominated society. It turned out that Darth Maul's lot on Dathomir were just the beta biotches of the Nightsisters, like an entire breeding stock of males that the Nightsisters just brutally pick males from in a process in which countless Dathomiri Nightbrothers are slaughtered in a Darwinistic process of survival of the fittest (but they are always the submissive slaves of the Nightsisters) Again, thanks Filoni, such genius.
The trope in fiction of the Amazonian Female society that just turns the tables on Males in a very overt and outspoken manner, isn't new; even the concept of Amazonians itself is basically Ancient Greek fan-fiction of a tribe of warrior women whom are out there, somewhere, in the great wilderness beyond, and they prey on men on their chariots etc. Overpowered, >7 foot tall Xena Warrior Princess like super-champions capable of beating any Men in single-combat. I'm sure that Filoni would be excited to know about this. In any case, it's not limited to Star Wars, for such a concept to gain traction.
The Star Wars galaxy obviously lends itself to such rampant degeneracy, but the Nightsisters are rather overtly on the nose. They couldn't be any more of a power fantasy if it were remotely possible. They make the witch coven in The Acolyte seem positively progressive! **that last sentence spoken in the voice an overly enthusiastic New York tour guide in a 90s film**
Although it is obvious that The Acolyte (The Spackoshyte? Da Pack-o'-Shyte? The Sack-o'-Shyte? The Rack of Lice? Something like that) has reached new lows for Star Wars. You just know what all of this is. As soon as the nepotic and despotic Headland, had her fishy fingers on the rights to making a Star Wars series, that it was a dinner bell for her to drape the banners of the Alphabet People all over the galaxy, far, far away. She saw it as a golden opportunity, much like other maniacal oddities like Div Filoni and Ruin Jobsworth, had done before her in differing, subversive ways. She could plaster her propaganda all over Star Wars, and use it to rizz up a new generation of coven members IRL. The glee with which they have turned Star Wars into a multiplex, multi-storied gheybar on crack, is sort of vulgar and mindless. It didn't matter to her what the old fans thought. It never would.
The tasteless charge to the bottom (ahem) and the heedless ambition of the invasive knotweed into the cracks of the citadel of that which had once been wrought by titans and giants of men, has continued apace in the 2020's. Although it began over a decade earlier, the real disaster has begun to reveal itself in full, now. This brazen takeover of a franchise, this hostile capture of something which used to be a beloved, household name.
That most wretched act of destroying something beautiful, out of spite and indifference to it's wisdom and complexity. The tragedy of The Acolyte, besides all the obvious failures in the writing and the execution of how it was put together, to my mind, is it's diabolical lack of creative honesty, and more importantly still, a telling failure to appreciate the setting. I shall explain; imagine being given the chance to write about the Star Wars galaxy?
Just imagine knowing that will become canonical, for one moment. Stop and think about how meaningful that is to the more thinking and creative Star Wars fan. Imagine having the green light and golden ticket to having your greatest Star Wars dreams played out on screen, to become set-in-stone in the lore. Imagine being given a timeslot 100 years before The Phantom Menace, at the tail end of the High Republic Era of the Jedi and Republic, in which Jedi and Republic hegemony was virtually unchallenged, and having the ability to build your version of the Jedi High Council, and to create an array of Jedi Knights and Jedi Masters, with near impunity? Imagine having that honour, and being entrusted with such a great chance to develop a stronger and smarter historical continuity for Star Wars...and now, _just imagine_ doing what Headland did. Imagine doing that instead.
Rather than honour the legacy of Lucas and to sincerely craft something with love and loyalty to the cause, she, like others before her, only saw the political messaging opportunity. She only saw the ability to broadcast her bile far and wide, around the world. This utterly shameless arrogance and reckless rush towards ruining one more aspect of what Star Wars _used_ to be. Star Wars always had the basic political messaging of anti-Imperialism and perceived good versus perceived evil.
There have long been debates over the validity of George Lucas's later claims of having even intended most of this all along, or not (with many - some even making publications on this very subject - claiming that he was just making it up as he went along, and claiming it was a high, cyclical mythology later on) There is some truth in that; but in fairness to him, _a great deal_ of Star Wars _was_ planned far in advance, with lots of names and concepts kept on ice, because of a knowing understanding there was a lack of special effects capabilities, in earlier decades, to properly visualise it.
Star Wars used to have restraint, in other words. It used to know when it could not try to do something, and to have the patience to wait for it to be possible another day. Now, for all their controversy and their very real problems, the Prequels were not this abomination that a lot of Original Trilogy fans were making it out to be, around 20 years ago (oh damn, way to go to make myself begin to feel old in my early 30's) The Prequels were what I grew up with and loved most. I still always appreciated the OT. And that is just the thing; I _revered_ the older lore and never disconnected it from my understanding of the-then ongoing, brand new releases of the Prequels Era lore. I loved it all. Truly, _loved_ it. And that is the greatest tragedy really; that this new Star Wars could be _so much more_ and do something good. But it deliberately chose to be appalling, to spoil for others what it could not better, by itself.
Being a lover of history and geography, and making my own stories for the past centuries of Star Wars and especially Jedi history in the galaxy, The Acolyte is more than enough to make the blood boil. It is a disgusting, paper thin and highly-cynical transgression on common sense itself, and an active attempt to gaslight us all. I resent it's very existence. Not because of les-be-frens or even the constantly pushed DEI crap. That is bad enough, of course. But underneath all that, the thing really irritating me about it, is this feeling that a little dweeb is sat there eating and chewing up pages out of what used to being a well-crafted book, in a library they have graffitied all over, sitting there in a puddle of urine, spitting out the pages. A deranged psychopath, sat in the heart of the library, destroying books chapter by chapter, sentence by sentence. This little gremlin in the machine, destroying everything. It's the arrogance of it that is most disgusting. The sheer hubris and the intellectual failure to reason. It's abhorrent.
Given even a tenth of the budget, I'd be jumping for joy and making something with a level of enthusiasm and passion for making things line up with Lucas's vision of the galaxy, as best I possibly could. Instead of wantonly destroying everything in sight, and instead of deliberately antagonising the OG, old school fans, I'd actually make something that did it's _level best_ to stop the atrophy and to make people love Star Wars again. I'd personally write the backstories of every single Jedi on the Jedi High Council (minus Yoda, Yaddle and probably Oppo Rancisis too, considering his age as well, although I could have a go at making more backstories for them, too)
With the brief that it's set in *132 BBY* and with the knowledge of what that really means, I would have such a good time writing about all kinds of Jedi. I already wrote my own version of Jedi Master Torbin (the Jedi whom deletes himself in Minecraft in Episode II of The Acolyte, that guy) Although Episode III has already established that he was Trinity's padawan (and I still can't stop calling her that; sigh, okay, 'Jedi Master Indara'; and no, they couldn't be bothered to make a surname for her character; same deal with Torbin), I had a very different take indeed. I made Torbin one of Grand Jedi Master Yoda's own personally trained Padawans. You know, like Dooku, Cin Drallig or Luke Skywalker.
Torbin, in my version, would be one of the padawans Yoda trained prior to beginning to train Dooku (Dooku was born ~30 years after the events of The Acolyte, in 102 BBY) I had it that Torbin was a great expert at telekinesis, and this was his strong-suit and something he taught at the Jedi Temple. Dooku did this too, in a later era; and Dooku was also highly-adept at telekinesis, and would logically be much stronger than Torbin had ever been.
[Part 1/4 - Mr Bean says, _Brace yourself_ with a naughty, knowing look of mischief]
[2/4 - It's Torbin Time]
The idea in mind that I had, was that Torbin didn't just throw away his life because a strong female character gaslit him into doing so. I had it that he was the Jedi equivalent of an Astrobiologist and Archaeologist, travelling the stars, learning of ancient civilizations and developing a great compendium of research into the Zeffo in particular; which I tied into the events of Jedi: Fallen Order, by having the idea of Jedi Master Eno Cordova (a Jedi Archaeologist and Researcher of the Zeffo civilization himself), looking back to Torbin's work as an inspiration to his own.
There would be a running theme that, in such a time of relative peace, that there was more respect for archaeological and palaeontological work at the Jedi Temple, in an elder iteration of itself, with galactic politics not being the axial fulcrum of the attention spans of the Jedi Order.
Torbin would be a Jedi Master of great repute, held in very high regard. I had him live until 72 BBY in my version; old enough, for Dooku to reach 30 years old, to have truly known Torbin as a great elder amongst the Jedi. I recently wrote about Torbin being an inspiration to Dooku, and Dooku having learnt a lot about telekinesis from him (not just from Yoda) and that besides Yoda, Torbin could have been one of his great secondary mentors (alongside Yaddle and Tera Sinube) I did this around the time the 2nd episode released, in my irritation with what a mess they'd made of it. What a waste of something that could have been great. I looked at it in terms of trying to fix or improve what they'd spat out.
In my version, Torbin would pass away in his sleep, on Coruscant, aged 100. Dooku would be one of the Jedi at his funeral, and he would still recall his memory, many decades later. A fading memory of a great man, fixated on studying the ancient civilizations and understanding the Living Force, travelling far and wide with his padawan learners and establishing a great friendship with many other Jedi, including Dooku. I had it that Torbin's lightsaber style would be heavily based on Form IV Ataru (like Yoda), with a variant mixed with elements of Form III Soresu (to improve his defences against blaster fire, in a galaxy where that would be the main threat) and Form VI Niman (to be able to have a working knowledge, in a generalist manner, of the other forms, to fall back on, if necessary) He'd be capable of force flight and augmenting his movements with force speed, and making force barriers (one of the few things I liked about his portrayal in the show)
I'd have it that he'd be casually one of the best duellists in the Jedi Temple, although disdain lightsaber combat, as much as Obi-Wan Kenobi would one day dislike flying (in spite of low-key being one of the Order's best pilots, regardless of saying he didn't like it) I'd have it that Dooku would have spoken with a now elderly and Jedi Archives bound Torbin, and found his perspectives on the Zeffo and the Ancient Rakata, very interesting. It would be deliberately intended to tie in lots of different aspects of Star Wars history, and to have Dooku, essentially perceiving Torbin as a reliable source of expertise on the ancient history of the galaxy.
Torbin would be well-travelled, having gone far and wide around the galaxy, and not just meditated on one spot for 10 years ( 🤨🤔😑) See how, with the smallest starting point to build on, people with actual writing talent can then make something worthwhile? That's the thing; Headland is a fool. She has no love for Star Wars. It's just a grift. It's just business, it's just politics etc. It's nothing like a good story. It's never even seen a good story (The Acolyte, I mean) It's touted as being a good story, but we the sane audience, know better. Done tastefully, there isn't necessarily anything wrong with Les-be-frens in Star Wars. It just doesn't need to be rammed down our throats in just such a vigorous manner.
I ended up writing an 11 page essay of over 7,717 words on Torbin and aspects of Dooku's life (in added concepts in my version) in relation to what Torbin's life had been. I did this in the void of the emptiness of how The Acolyte Episode II made me feel. I filled that void with a flurry of writing and creativity, spurred on by the annoyance of having just witnessed yet another nail being driven hard into the coffin of Star Wars. It boils my piss so it does. And I don't like seeing such a horrible waste of something which used to be quite something, so to speak. It was once a great citadel of endless possibilities; now overrun, truly infested, with DEI propaganda and reduced to being nothing like the paradise of escapism it once was. The very last thing I want to see, when looking at a galaxy, far, far away, is BLM, DEI, Alphabet Peepo Antics and rampant degeneracy.
That high-yield cringe from the witches singing in Episode III. It knocks me sick. I really despise it with a passion. It's the writing equivalent of a puerile loser with no talent just sticking their nose into something they have no business being involved in, loftily dictating everything. It's vile. It's a sad indictment of our current predicament, across the West, in the 2020's. It's a sign of the times, as well as a canary down the coal mine for far worse to come. Now their foot is in the door, it will gather pace and get even worse. There was a time when what they have already inflicted on the audience, would be considered impossible. But it happened anyway. Don't then imagine that they'll just stop. They never stop. It's the long march through the institutions and the socialist, Commie spectrum deviants, will continue to violate this universe without mercy. It's been happening for years already. It will continue.
Returning to Jedi Master Torbin, this is how I envisaged him (from aspects of my essay about my version of Jedi Master Torbin, how I'd have written him instead):
_MY VERSION OF_ *JEDI MASTER TORBIN*
Homeworld: *Coruscant*
Class/Background born into: *Middle-class Coruscanti minor nobility* largely working in an affluent mining guild, involved with negotiating deals with the Trade Federation for raw materials. They would, in many ways, be reminiscent of the well-to-do folks seen in the ANDOR series (think, Mon Mothma's social circle) Albeit, a slightly less wealthy version of that blatantly _Upper-class_ Chandrillan and Coruscanti high society, and also, over 140 years earlier. Basically, he is born into wealth (like Dooku would be later; though Dooku was more like, 'Elon Musk rich' being the Count of Serenno and one of the richest people in the entire galaxy, if not the individually richest; so rich, he could partially bankroll a galactic war all by himself, or at least part of the start of it)
Educational standards: *Excellent* - before and during Jedi Training.
Jedi Master: *Grand Master Yoda* (yes, himself) I'd directly make him one of the lucky Jedi, like Dooku, to have been _directly_ trained by Yoda personally. Dooku was the prodigy of his generation and by far the most talented student in the Jedi Order in his youth. Why not make Master Torbin the prodigy of his, further back in time, in _his_ generation?
Lightsaber Colour: Green. Why? Because he likes nature, and because he saw himself as a scholar of the Force more than being a Guardian and blademaster with a blue saber. I'd write it that Yoda respects this, as valuing caring about learning about the Force, more than worrying too much about lightsaber skills. That said, similar to how Obi-Wan is low-key a superb pilot in spite of disliking flying, in his great modesty, I would write Torbin to be basically a really, really impressive lightsaber duellist in spite of being notably better with telekinesis, levitation/force flight and force pushes etc.
Fighting style: *Measured and Methodical* - Torbin could be the kind of Jedi who'd do the Carrie-Ann Moss thing aka prefer not to draw his lightsaber unless reasonably necessary (not in a cringe way like the show goofed around with in Episode 1 of this series, but actually a proper moderate who just tends to prefer to use measured responses to different combat situations) Like, my version of Torbin would be able to be a devastatingly talented duellist if he _needed_ to be but he won't be dying to some throwing knives or worse, poisoning himself.
That is mental, obviously. He'd ignite a green lightsaber, in his mind, to defend nature and light, and he'd see Yoda as a visionary albeit one heavily set in his ways. He'd ironically have agreed with Dooku on many things about Yoda, although being separated by many years from him. The idealism of Dooku and political firebrand nature of that particular apprentice of Yoda, would be a bit more intense than Torbin, by far, but all the same, Torbin would appreciate in his own era, that Yoda wasn't perfect, in spite of being seen as such by many in the Jedi Order, increasingly lapsing into complacency.
Lightsaber Form Primary Specialisation: *Ataru Form IV* - Exemplified by high level acrobatics augmented by force power, and more agile movements. Yoda was simply the greatest Ataru Master the Galaxy had or likely ever would know. Torbin, being more interested in Force Powers, would be more than happy to follow suite with Yoda's speciality and try and harmonise his own fighting style to Yoda's, as his apprentice, presumably sometime in the 160-150's BBY. By the time Torbin was no longer a Padawan Learner, he would become the Jedi Knight he was meant to be, with Jedi trials set on Kashyyyk and Felucia. These tests would see his Ataru skills come in handy many times, as he defended himself from ravenous wildlife and defended himself from Trandoshan Slavers and Hunters illegally operating on Kashyyyk, mid-trials (unexpectedly)
[3/4 - Keep Calm and Carry On]
When paired up with Yoda, Torbin and Yoda together would be a whirlwind of green light and be very difficult to stop. They would be good friends, though Torbin would express his desire to travel the galaxy to learn more about the Living Force, with a fascination for the natural universe and all it's wonders. He'd excel as an Astrobiologist and Naturalist, as well as being a Jedi Knight and eventually, Jedi Master. His tutelage under Yoda, would grant him an advantage in terms of his abilities and how highly esteemed he would be as a Jedi Knight, just by dint of his Master being Yoda. It was a lucky and super rare honour that many other Jedi would have wanted to have at some point.
Although Yoda would teach the large classes of Younglings, so that basically _all_ Jedi for several centuries trained at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant at least, would have some contact and training time with Yoda, the reality was, that only a handful of students in a lifetime ever counted themselves as being Yoda's direct Padawan. I'd write it that Torbin just happened to be one of them. This would also give more of a reason to bring Yoda into these events. Yoda lived a very long time and would have of course, known thousands and thousands of different Jedi, generation to generation. Hundreds of thousands, technically. So many, he couldn't even remember them all anymore by the Imperial Era.
Lightsaber Form Secondary Augmentation: *Soresu Form III* - Great for defensive mastery against primarily blaster armed opponents, in an era when a few pirates, bounty hunters and bold smugglers were normally the only hostiles they might occasionally run into; the idea being, that they could defend themselves from multiple shooters and hold their own, in an era where lightsaber armed opponents were deemed a thing of the past. These skills would be essential to most Jedi in this era.
Having excellent skills in Soresu, would make him a good all-rounder on the defensive, with the ability to pick out swift counterattacks and to behave in an energy efficient manner. This would greatly contrast the high-octane bursts of flourishing Ataru acrobatics, which would require serious levels of physical energy and Force power exertion, to achieve. Qui-Gon Jinn became increasingly exhausted in his duel with Darth Maul, on Naboo (and technically in his briefer encounter earlier on, while leaving Tatooine), due to the demands this placed on his human body at a more advanced age.
This, explained to demonstrate problems some Ataru users might face, especially later in life. Yoda is a particularly special example of an Ataru wielder, forced to use a lot of Force augmentation to compensate for his physical stature, to bodily leap around and perform incredible, near insanely fast acrobatics and movements that most Jedi just cannot do. His centre of gravity is so low, and his force powers are so strong, that he more than compensates for his height, he makes a mockery of very fast humanoid Jedi in terms of their speed and stamina. It increasingly takes a toll on Yoda as he ages, though. _Even he_ is not immune to that, especially considering the sheer insanity of his own version of Ataru.
Part of the point of giving Torbin a secondary mastery in Form III Soresu, would be to allow him to fall back on this or blend it in with his Form IV _led_ but not totally exclusive, fighting style. He'd normally be acrobatic, but when he begins to tire, he can fall back on Soresu, at least, in theory. I'd write Jedi Master Torbin to be more of an offensive rather defensive fighter. There would almost be a brooding sense of 'do not mistake my gentlemanly demeanour for weakness' about him.
This is part of why I think his sort of 'Victorian or Edwardian English gentleman' look, is not too far off the mark for Torbin. The Acolyte series totally gets him wrong and wastes his character and actor. But I'd write him to be a scholarly and wise Jedi, known for being highly-adept with many skills and knowing at least 4 major languages and 2 rarer languages, and having the ability to translate Zeffo civilisation writing/inscriptions/carvings.
Lightsaber Form Tertiary Augmentation: *Niman Form VI* - Something of a generalist, 'Jack of All Trades, Master of None' form, which many, many Jedi would practice in the years leading up to the Clone Wars (hence why so many lesser practitioners were gunned down on planets like Geonosis, for being too generalist in their fighting style; with the caveat that taken to it's uttermost ends, Niman in the right hands could be devastating; see Jedi Master Cin Drallig, Prequels Era/Clone Wars Era/Rise of the Empire Era; Cin Drallig, by the way, being _another_ Jedi directly trained by Yoda himself, as his direct apprentice; the one to be trained by Yoda personally, _after_ Dooku, as it happens)
Niman is more of a hybrid form, taking lessons from all the other forms before it, and making a more 'diplomatic' balance between them. This, like Form I Shii-Cho, was often criticised by the likes of Form II Makashi duellists (such as Dooku) for being too casual and relaxed, and not being as focused on footwork and bladework, in the time of the Skywalker Saga (or in Dooku's case, at least within 40 years of that) All the same, it is a valuable form that needs the correct respect and mindset to get the most out of.
For Jedi mainly posted on diplomatic missions, it can be a very handy catch-all lightsaber form that does almost a 'little bit of everything', whilst not being too specialised at any one thing. The problem is, that if a _really_ talented lightsaber duellist comes along, then this won't help if they have to really be put to the test lightsaber to lightsaber. It tends to be those whom become very good or excellent at Niman, whom can mitigate some of the weaknesses of the form; namely, being too generalised and watered down if not taken to it's highest levels.
However, the truly wise Jedi like Torbin, would know it's practical limitations. It'd just augment and further round out his skillset as a duellist. And especially during _this_ relatively tame era of galactic history, he'd basically be considered a superb combatant if called upon to become one, albeit reluctantly.
Jedi Rank: *Jedi Master* and Guardian and Teacher of Astrobiological Study on Olega. I mean, I'd explain _what city_ that is, but the showrunners at Disney are so lazy they can't even do that and so it's just called, 'a city', or 'an unidentified city'; because writing is hard, and they only care about pushing THE MESSAGE down our throats with the rainbow do-dar. Anyway, he'd be a reasonably experienced Jedi Master, whom made Jedi Master sometime in his mid 30's (say, 36) Rather quick, for his time. He'd have made Knight around 25-26. I'd write it that he is now about 39 in the show.
Jedi Padawan: *Jecki Lon* (the hybrid Theelin-Human with the white and red coloration, who comes across as a reddit aficionado and tumblrina) I'd just have her be his padawan, and _not_ the padawan of Jedi Master Sol. I don't care. And she wouldn't be smug and annoying in my version. She'd just be a sensible and hardworking padawan to Torbin. No BS.
Force Power Specialities: *Telekinesis, Force Meditation, Force Flight, Levitation, Force Push and Force Speed Augmentation a la Ataru requirements* - also high levels of precognition, perceptive insight and packing a mean lightsaber throw if required, including while doing acrobatics.
Examples of Planets Jedi Master Torbin (my version) has visited: *Coruscant, Zeffo, Felucia, Corellia, Kashyyyk, Cato Neimoidia, Ithor, Hosnian Prime, Raxus Prime, Eriadu, Alderaan, Rodia, Manaan, Ord Mantell, Olega, Onderon, Trandosha, Cosia and Malastare* (and yes I know Brendok is one as well in the show version, because that is where the 'Coven of Witches' thing happens; but my version wouldn't have that - at all)
Personal Philosophy: *Preserve Ancient History, Study the Stars, Protect Nature and Shield the Republic* (my take on Torbin's own Jedi mantra to himself, including his loyalties)
[note: other than just the Jedi Code in general, which they all follow generically]
Jedi Status: *Alive* as of 132 BBY and afterwards (I wouldn't just get rid of him so pathetically as this show did so pointlessly) Alive, for some time, in fact. Decades after 132 BBY. Long enough, I'd write it, to know Dooku, in his later years (Dooku of Serenno, was born in 102 BBY, ~30 years after the events depicted in The Acolyte) If I have it that he is about 39-40 in 132 BBY, he'd be about 69-70 in 102 BBY, and still around in his 70's and 80's (at least) at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, as an elder Jedi Master still working closely with Grand Master Yoda, having long since left Olega's small Jedi Temple and returned to teaching roles on Coruscant. He'd take a keen interest in the telekinetic skill of Dooku, the prodigy from Serenno. Dooku's skills with telekinesis were legendary, in his time, and scarce few other Jedi could come near to that.
Only Yoda could really go further, and only then, because of simply having a slightly bigger midichlorian count and literally several centuries of experience using it. I'd write it that, Dooku would essentially be taught telekinesis as a specialist subject _by Torbin_ whom would have long since sat on the Jedi High Council alongside Yoda, since at least his 50's (with the opportunity to have done so much sooner, though having remained as a wandering Jedi, travelling the galaxy from his erstwhile base of operations on Olega) He would NOT just meditate for 10 years and then end himself in Minecraft. No. That's stupid.
[4/4 - This sheet just got real/May the Fourth be with you]
In my take on things, Dooku would be primarily taught by Yoda but also have the likes of an elderly Jedi Master Torbin to speak to as well. He'd impress Dooku with his noble bearing and sophisticated mastery of telekinesis, which would _temporarily_ dwarf his own grasp of it. But by the time Dooku was reaching the rank of Jedi Knight, he'd have begun to surpass Torbin in this regard, simply due to a combination of his sheer strength in the Force (Dooku, while often underrated, was basically a colossally powerful force wielder; we tend to see him fighting a few people capable of doing so, but most Jedi would never in a million years hold a candle let alone a lightsaber to him; he's up there with the best)
Torbin could be very powerful. Sort of at a Plo Koon or Ki Adi Mundi level. But not quite reaching the heights of power that the likes of Dooku could achieve, by dint of raw strength and determination through advanced and rigorous training.
Dooku, even in his 20's, would be beginning to become so good with a lightsaber that only a handful of Jedi Knights and Masters could really best him; and by his 30's and 40's, he'd narrow that down to only Yoda and maybe two or three others being able to actually get the better of him. In the old lore, it was said that only Yoda had ever bested him in a lightsaber duel, so I may well be downplaying Dooku a bit here as well. At least, until Anakin 'the Chosen One' came along.
Dooku was so hilariously talented and dominant with both the lightsaber and Force Powers, that it was rather daunting to then become his apprentice. He had very high expectations of his padawans. In a way, Qui-Gon Jinn was slightly disappointing to him in terms of being a lightsaber duellist, but in almost every other regard, he was beloved by Dooku. He respected Qui-Gon's decency, humanitarianism and stoicism. He respected his bravery and honesty. Yet he increasingly, also, became frustrated with Qui-Gon's focus on Ataru, at the expense of more duelling centric saber forms like his own favourite, Makashi Form II.
He was protective of Qui-Gon, but also displeased with his more middling skills with the lightsaber. This isn't to discredit or belittle Qui-Gon Jinn as a saber-duellist. He was still very good. It's just, that 'very good' was overshadowed drastically by, '2nd best in the Jedi Temple and the entire galaxy', out of about ~10,000 Jedi galaxy-wide. Those were big shoes to fill. He was more of a thinker, than a fighter (so much so, he eventually became _Yoda's_ Master, technically)
I'd have it become part of the story, that Torbin would be remembered fondly by Dooku, for his patience and respect for ancient civilisations and cultures, and for his ever-present dignity as a deeply respected member of the Jedi High Council, from a bygone era of Jedi hegemony.
Death: *72 BBY* (working on the estimation that he was 70 in 102 BBY when Dooku was born)
Age at Death: 100 years old.
Cause of Death: Natural Causes/Old Age/Organ Failure while sleeping in his quarters one night.
Additional notes on his death: Both Yoda and Dooku would sense the passing of Jedi Master Torbin, and this would cause Dooku immense grief. At 30 years old, Dooku would be a Jedi Knight already with much of his life ahead of him. However, he would always remember old Master Torbin. Although he wasn't his direct Master, in the Master-Padawan context, he would still respect him deeply for being a second mentor (similar to how Palpatine was a second mentor to Anakin, somewhat) He'd always respect Torbin's outspokenness on the Jedi High Council, and insistence on upholding Archaeological studies across the galaxy, showing his priorities in putting the memory of the ancients into the centre stage, and not just ignoring them as an afterthought as so many others would. This would be a source of inspiration for many Jedi Archaeologists and Astrobiologists.
In my version, the legacy of Jedi Master Torbin, would be felt most amongst the Jedi Archives and the Jedi Archaeological Missions, whom would eventually include the esteemed yet maverick likes of Jedi Master Eno Cordova. Cordova would become an expert on the lost Zeffo civilisation, following their story around the galaxy and eventually leading to a friendship with Qui-Gon Jinn himself (that bit is actual canon, and so, unintentionally at first, as I've been writing this, it does all come together quite nicely really, because Qui-Gon would pass on much of what Dooku had told him about Torbin; and through this, much of Torbin's own fascination with the Zeffo would add to Cordova's own interest in them)
It is unknown exactly when Eno Cordova was born, though based on the fact his actor (Tony Amendola) was 68 in 2019 when Jedi: Fallen Order released (and around 71 when Jedi: Survivor released in late 2022), we could say that Eno Cordova lived into his 70's (before the events of Jedi: Survivor) That would make him a fair bit younger than Qui-Gon Jinn, during the events of The Phantom Menace.
Qui-Gon Jinn was born in 92 BBY, curiously enough (just 10 years after Dooku) and so he was actually quite old himself by Episode I. 60 years old, that is. Not ancient, no, but this would mean that had Qui-Gon lived to Episode II, he'd already be 70 by then in 22 BBY. Jedi: Fallen Order is set in 14 BBY; 5 years after the events of Episode III in 19 BBY. Simplifying this down to 32 minus 14, we get 18 as the difference (32 BBY VS 14 BBY) If we say that Astro-Archaeologist and Jedi Master, Eno Cordova, was about 68 in 14 BBY (just based on his own actor; though this doesn't _have_ to be the case) then this would make him about _50_ in the time of The Phantom Menace. Therefore, ~10 years younger than Qui-Gon Jinn, and ~20 years younger than Count Dooku.
Eno Cordova was his own era's top Zeffo expert, anywhere in the galaxy (passing on much of his knowledge about them to the amiable little droid friend, BD-1, and the errant Jedi Padawan, post-Order 66, Cal Kestis; whom together, would visit the tombs of the Zeffo across the galaxy, and discover terrible truths, echoing down through the tens of thousands of years since their civilisation flourished. To tie things together a bit better, I like the idea of having Eno Cordova be heavily inspired by the likes of Jedi Master Torbin. He'd be a legend to him, in that specific area of the Jedi Order so to speak. He'd be as respected for his archaeological work, as he raw skill and status on the High Council.
While Dooku would eventually grow to not only step down from the Jedi High Council, after eventually getting a seat there amongst the elite 12 Jedi High Council Members, but also actively scorn the Jedi High Council, seeing the entire Jedi Order as corrupted by the Senate and behaving as it's lapdog, the idea would be, that Dooku would still maintain an immense respect for older generations of Jedi High Council Members, and none more so than Yoda and Torbin. It would really show how much of a contrast there was between ambitious upstarts and dogmatic bores like Mace Windu and Ki-Adi Mundi, later on. They'd be seen as unimaginative and dull by comparison to a world Dooku had known in his youth.
Although to most of the new Jedi in the half-century leading up to the Clone Wars, would only perhaps know of Torbin as a dusty name mentioned to revere a deceased Jedi Master of a previous era, whom was born in a very different time indeed, to _Dooku_ (whom would be old enough to be considered much closer to that bygone era, living just after it), this would be a great shame often causing him to reflect upon it.
Attachment is discouraged by the Jedi edicts and teachings, though Dooku would always venerate the likes of Torbin, and count them as some of the greatest Jedi whom had lived within the last thousand years of Jedi history. Torbin would go down in history as the 3rd strongest Jedi on the High Council in _his tenure_ in that post, and far more importantly than that, he would be remembered as the greatest Jedi Archaeologist of his generation, inspiring others whom followed him. He would seem a curiosity or oddity, even, to your average Jedi, detached from material possession and somewhat detached from the civilisations swarming and thronging around them every day.
Dooku and Yoda would mourn him in their own ways, although Yoda would discourage Dooku from doing so for too long, directly telling him to let go. The memory of old Torbin would be like a faint legend in his memory, as he himself became an old man, distracted by politics and war. The Sith corruption from at least 32 BBY, making him see the likes of Torbin in a new, dark light, bathed in crimson red; seeing the shade of Torbin in his slowly fading memories of him, over half a century earlier, as a well-meaning but typically, 'of his time' Jedi Master, unable to imagine what newfound 'wisdom' that he had now acquired. Dooku in his youth and middle age, compared to his _old age_ are very different people.
I would write it that Torbin would be ashamed of Dooku, if he could see him post-32 BBY. He'd lament his downfall and be shocked at him turning to the Sith. Even so, I would have it that Torbin would have some sympathy for Dooku's _initial motivations_ in that, he would actively agree that the Jedi Council was corrupt.
Disney please stop killing LRCW almost to death!! 🤣🤣Dude your reviews are SO FUNNY LOL
Poor squid man
This episode was unfiltered , most concentrated cringe of the highest order . Though I would say that Star Wars was dead since the Last Jedi
Watch TFA again, if you can. It’s way worse than you remember.
@@lawrencemanning True
Welcome to Kennedyfilm, where filmmaking goes to die. Now, it is oversaturated with livestreaming services per show because somebody fails to stack up to it.
I try to stay open minded and hopeful when it comes to star wars. The 1st and 2nd episodes were really bad... but after the 3rd episode.. I've lost all hope. 😮
When you get to know the kind of sick, incompetent people that are behind, there is no open mindness.. Zero percent chance they will treat the original and art with respect.. ZERO.. Evil can just destroy and pervert
Also love the 911 steel beams joke. Based. And the bush joke. Well done sir
I'm glad to see you survived the hottest spring in UK history. Five straight days in the high 70s, the horror.😓
This Review deserved a Follow👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
The name is Shan-ne-ne!
ofc I remember the ghost busters.
If nothing else, this terrible terrible show has given us 1000x more entertainment in UA-cam channels like this! 😅
The Wokolyte.
I think you're in a conspiracy with Disney+ ... I'm only watching the show to stay up with your jokes .. how much of a kick back does the mouse give you for getting me to watch?
May is alive!! I brereave ryu
One of the funniest review.
I really don't think they could even write a porno with is route they should have gone
May have accidentally made a buck that way
Been following you for ages
Notice a nice jump in your subs
This is the episode really really kills star wars to death