Flirty and aloof. We want to delve into people, find out what they find is funny, or interesting, gauge their moods. We want to know what people care about. Having found that, though, we most often pull back, as you describe, in order to assess to what extent you'd want that person in your life. When we are younger, we are keenly aware that we are still unformed, that we have much yet to learn on our journey. This journey takes us through many incarnations, as we try out and shed various roles, restlessly searching for one's own way. In this phase of life, as you well note, it is very difficult to find a companion willing to weather all the changes, the improvised life of a still directionless ENFP. In this phase relationships can feel entrapping, stifling. Ghosting is quite common. When though one discovers the "why" in their lives, their purpose, one can indeed find one's proper companion. That "why" is arrived at after much trial and error. We need to find out for ourselves all the things we could do, but mostly shouldn't be doing. Having all these brief encounters means at maturity that you can stop being restless and go make at last a home for yourself.
100% agree with the points around finding ourselves in our 30s - in my 20s I was “too” adaptable ... Now at 31, I’m looking back and feeling thankful that I lost interest in so many different things (and people) so quickly. It gave me the chance to experience enough to make me more sure of what I want and need in a partnership now :)
All the things make so much sense, since I connected things like being an ENFP with (undiagnosed) ADHD and lots of unresolved childhood trauma 🤷🙈 I'm in my late 30s and 💥 boom there it is again: the struggle of deciding, which way to go round 🤯🥳🤣 Society says so, but my life goes somewhere else.. often I felt misunderstood but in this "community" I feel so seen and respected the way I am. Thank you for this Heidi! Sending love to all fellow ENFPs who feel the struggle 😘🥰
I recently learned that ADHD’s are all ENFP’s. Do all ENFP’s have ADHD? I’m recently diagnosed & trying to figure things out. I’ve been lost & confused for sooooo long.
This really makes sense. As an ENFP I only had two people in my life that I was ready to commit to. I am not afraid of commitment at all, but I just dont find much people that I could be committed to. Its because it doesnt seem like there is that much people that connect with me like that and have that curiosity about how and why everything works. This video helped put the pieces together!
Oh my god, thank you! It described me so well, in every detail. Your videos help a lot on my long path of self-knowledge. I love how you explain, and how you record your videos... hope a lot of recognition comes to you, because you deserve it. Thanks again, XO from Brazil!❤👏😌
I’m learning so much from you AT 40. Don’t beat yourself up. This isn’t all about “disorganized attachment.” Some if it’s just your awesome unique adventurous spirit. You’re fine, I’m fine. Actually, I’m more than fine.
1. Think very differently about people, psychology, and our inner world. We don't feel difficult to connect with people, because we study psychology. ENFPs find everyone they meet interesting. We are always thinking about what makes people operate the way they do. We are going deeper more quickly with a lot of people than other people would, and then withdraw a little bit to consider. NF thing. 2. Inner landscape towards possibilities. What could happen in the future. Struggle to prioritize over the possibilities. Try to find a relationship that opens more doors for you than fewer doors. Uncertainty and variety, which we thrive on. Independence. Wild, exotic plans. Combining lifestyles. Unique interest and a unique way of living. 3. Take longer to figure out and feel comfortable resting on who we are and what we value in life. Have to go, try things out, know how they feel about them. In 30s, 40s, Si kicks in and helps us see the patterns. A lot of people choose their values based on what has been passed down from their family members, society, or what makes logical sense to them. A lot of those things make it easier to make long term choices early on in life. It doesn't require the same sense of exploration if your values come from sources outside yourself. What FEELS truly MEANINGFUL. 2 weeks, 4 months, one year from now. Choose your commitment carefully. Mindful.
Thanks for acknowledging the general NF angle on overwhelming others with our deep-dive into understanding everyone we meet. This INFJ appreciates the validation!
Thank you Heidi. I thought I was fearful avoidant and I am always finding myself confused about which attachment style that I struggle with. But, maybe I am more secure than I have thought or what not. This video makes clear sense. Thank you for this helpful video.
• I’ve known, from a very young age, the multiple possibilities / interests that I wanted to do with in life; in the moment , I chose other options, and made my plan happen 20 years later. No regrets. • I have shared a ton of your early articles because you were the only one on the Internet I had found who actually described “us” accurately. When I read your articles, I knew your actually “got it”. Bravo.
The conflicting thought is true and it's insane tho. I can't process my emotion to only one person as thoughtfully as when I love everybody in a community. I was overwhelmed by the amount of a personality difference between me and someone I'm about to have relationship with. I always feel they don't understand me enough.
I'm really "saving" your videos and trying to view them not all at once, but then algorithm always fails me. :) Another video on issues lately bugging me from the inside. Thank you for this clarifying video, I actually did theorize while walking in the park, that maybe all enfps are not securely attached, and was very depressed with this thought. I see now that they are two separate, identifiable things. I think we as ENFPs have a very sensitive compass. Once settled and fine tuned, it's the most powerful weapon, but it takes fracking amount of time fine tuning, that we end up hating it thinking it's broken, cursing at the wind why not sword or staff (?), only to find out we didn't give it a rest from all the magnets around, meddling in the way. I can't seem to close it beautifully, but this compass just needs fine tuning. It ain't broken.
This is why marriage to me was a hell. It's way too much of a commitment although I want love and connection and will throw myself into it fully. Mu ideal partner would have to be someone who is totally comfortable with change and can keep up with me, be interested in my new interests and don't try to hold me back. 😘 Probably were attracted to the exact opposite to me
Thank you for the great insights again! I'm sorry to say (or maybe not) that looking forward to future possibilities doesn't end in middle age! I'm 43 and VERY much looking forward to the future. I will probably look at death as an opportunity, too, when I get there. Or actually, I already do 😀 (I just hope i will be an enfp in the next life, too, so that I can continue to explore). What has made it even more difficult to narrow down the things I want to do or the kind of people I want to be with, is that I also had a LOT of trauma baggage from childhood. That probably makes me at least ten years late in my mental development in a way. Now that I've worked extensively with my trauma, I see things emerging, which I know will be (or already have been, I just didn't realise that) a lifelong interest which I will never be bored with. That feels great. What comes to relationships, there seems to always be a dilemma. When I was with more peaceful, goal-oriented and naturally commiting people than me, an istj and an infj, I really really loved and appreciated them and they made me feel good and helped me calm down, but still I felt that they somehow want to tie me down, so I had to get out (I'm still good friends with both of them). And then I had a very passionate, but also unstable relationship with a (probably) estp/esfp, who didn't have a very healthy attachment style... that relationship was good in the sense that I never felt I would get bored with her, but on the other it was too much of an emotional rollercoaster... I do need SOME stability, too. Maybe the ideal person would be someone who is as passionate and explorative as I am, but also has a very secure attachment/ has worked on themselves, so that my nervous system can also have a rest... 😊. Well anyway, now I have blurted out some of my biggest issues in life. But I guess I'm just being an ENFP. Thanks again for the great video!
I can somewhat relate - in my 50's and still exploring my next job/passion/house move etc. I know it won't stop! I feel like a teenager, not someone looking 60 in the eye! I too discovered trauma work, and it's been the best thing I have ever done.
@@artyj135 nice to hear that you have a similar sense of life and yes, trauma work is the best! One thing that makes me a bit confused sometimes, is the expectations for 40+ people in society. It seems to be very much that you should be settled and established and not very spontanious or enthusiastic about anything etc. In one word: boring. I'm so unlike those norms and sometimes it gets me. But I'm not gonna let them stop me.
@@herecomesthesun21 I understand. We have to learn not to judge ourselves for not being like the others or fitting any boxes. I like youtbe as it helps me find people living different lifestyles; I hang onto how much variety there is in the world. I will be 59 next week and wonder if I should be aiming to slow down, but I don't want to - I could happily start a whole new career and live in a new place! I am constantly learning new things. I left the city a few years ago as I had just had enough, but now I miss the variety of people and the possibilities that are there; I live somewhere beautiful, but haven't made connections with anyone but a few old school friends...I am pondering what my next move should be. I really need growth, learning, connection and spontaneity!
@@artyj135 yes, that's wisely put. You seem like a total ENFP to me 😊. I have a bit similar situation: I live in a bigger city and have dreamed years of living in some smaller, more peaceful place. But lately I realized that do actually love and need some qualities of city life, exactly the ones you mentioned. So I get your problem. Would a possible solution be a smaller or middle size town, where there is still people & things happening, but not too much noice, crowds etc? I don't know. I guess it's never perfect. But please continue your lifestyle if it makes you happy! You will find the next step. Like you said, being interested and learning new things, thinking new thoughts & meeting new people is key to a good life. My mum is soon 77 and she's still doing that and I admire her!
This explains why my husband and I were so drawn to each other. He is ENTP. Having those NE conversations felt like finally someone understood me. He always tries to provide a framework for my wild ideas, which I don't always like lol. But, he is the one that introduced me to personality typing.
Spot-on. I'd also looooooove to hear about ENFPs (and INFPs, since they have the same cognitive functions and therefore deal with a lot of the same issues) who actually *are* fearful avoidant, since in many ways that attachment style overlaps with and exacerbates the contradictory tendencies that are already inherent in the xNFP psyche.
Wow story of my entire life. As an ENFP I've also been able to translate to others what it is that they're feeling or going through in a way they've been trying to understand for a long time, and I'll just do it in passing sometimes because I want them to get over it quickly so we can go back to having fun lol because I've quickly invested a lot in people
I had to listen for a while, I at first had no idea why Attachment Theory would actually be confused with an ENFP. I don't think too much about how others would find it bizarre that we invest in finding everyone interesting. Views appreciated.
I have read many comments on the video and I can say that even though I am "young" (I am 25) I have noticed that after several short relationships and one last one where I really thought the other person was "the one" (and all our life plans matched 100%) it feels like I have changed. I'm still a passionate person, who loves to meet new people and learn about everything, typical ENFP but let's just say I don't feel that instant crush I used to have after meeting an interesting pretty girl as I used before. PS: I think the simple fact that I was so sure that the other person I was 100% committed to was "the one" and who turned out not to be in the end made me more distrustful perhaps? As one person said in the comments; It's not fear of committing me, but committing me to the wrong person.
What also i have figured out dealing with Si inferior. The concept of extrema. Especially at the start, if you don’t know for example whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, just go live like an extrovert for 2 weeks and an introvert for like a year. Develop both, and see. For me, i’m an ambivert. Intp/entp combo.
I feel I don't actually go into anyone too deep unless I connect first, but then I get so invested and decide that I want them in my life because I don't feel like I connect with very many people on this level. I analyze and gnaw over their characters and the differences between us and our values and our similarities, only when, though, when they've sparked that initial "there's something familiarly different about them, I'm fixated" flame. Maybe I'm not an ENFP... I get very attached quickly to these people. I often find myself wishing these people were more attached to me and saw in me something similar.
What about ENFP fixation? I know an ENFP that romanticizes and fixated on a relationship that is over and has been over for years. They truly don’t see that it would not work anymore even if their ex did reciprocate
As an ENFP, I personally don’t fear commitment…I fear committing to the wrong person and not my person.
Exactly 🙌🏻🥹
Yes
YES. I find that for me it’s the fear of the investment of myself into someone else and that’s extremely precious to me.
Truth right here! Got to b the right person
Thiiiiiissss!!!!!
Flirty and aloof. We want to delve into people, find out what they find is funny, or interesting, gauge their moods. We want to know what people care about. Having found that, though, we most often pull back, as you describe, in order to assess to what extent you'd want that person in your life. When we are younger, we are keenly aware that we are still unformed, that we have much yet to learn on our journey. This journey takes us through many incarnations, as we try out and shed various roles, restlessly searching for one's own way. In this phase of life, as you well note, it is very difficult to find a companion willing to weather all the changes, the improvised life of a still directionless ENFP. In this phase relationships can feel entrapping, stifling. Ghosting is quite common. When though one discovers the "why" in their lives, their purpose, one can indeed find one's proper companion. That "why" is arrived at after much trial and error. We need to find out for ourselves all the things we could do, but mostly shouldn't be doing. Having all these brief encounters means at maturity that you can stop being restless and go make at last a home for yourself.
100% agree with the points around finding ourselves in our 30s - in my 20s I was “too” adaptable ... Now at 31, I’m looking back and feeling thankful that I lost interest in so many different things (and people) so quickly. It gave me the chance to experience enough to make me more sure of what I want and need in a partnership now :)
All the things make so much sense, since I connected things like being an ENFP with (undiagnosed) ADHD and lots of unresolved childhood trauma 🤷🙈 I'm in my late 30s and 💥 boom there it is again: the struggle of deciding, which way to go round 🤯🥳🤣 Society says so, but my life goes somewhere else.. often I felt misunderstood but in this "community" I feel so seen and respected the way I am. Thank you for this Heidi! Sending love to all fellow ENFPs who feel the struggle 😘🥰
You are not alone 😂 I am in my 40s and still figuring out who am I...
my codependent rock bottom was after 40 😂 forward we go, #seekyourneed
I recently learned that ADHD’s are all ENFP’s. Do all ENFP’s have ADHD? I’m recently diagnosed & trying to figure things out. I’ve been lost & confused for sooooo long.
This really makes sense. As an ENFP I only had two people in my life that I was ready to commit to. I am not afraid of commitment at all, but I just dont find much people that I could be committed to. Its because it doesnt seem like there is that much people that connect with me like that and have that curiosity about how and why everything works. This video helped put the pieces together!
Oh my god, thank you! It described me so well, in every detail. Your videos help a lot on my long path of self-knowledge. I love how you explain, and how you record your videos... hope a lot of recognition comes to you, because you deserve it.
Thanks again, XO from Brazil!❤👏😌
This really resonates with me and it is so insightful and uplifting. ~ INFP
I’m learning so much from you AT 40. Don’t beat yourself up. This isn’t all about “disorganized attachment.” Some if it’s just your awesome unique adventurous spirit. You’re fine, I’m fine. Actually, I’m more than fine.
1. Think very differently about people, psychology, and our inner world. We don't feel difficult to connect with people, because we study psychology.
ENFPs find everyone they meet interesting. We are always thinking about what makes people operate the way they do.
We are going deeper more quickly with a lot of people than other people would, and then withdraw a little bit to consider. NF thing.
2. Inner landscape towards possibilities. What could happen in the future. Struggle to prioritize over the possibilities. Try to find a relationship that opens more doors for you than fewer doors.
Uncertainty and variety, which we thrive on. Independence. Wild, exotic plans. Combining lifestyles. Unique interest and a unique way of living.
3. Take longer to figure out and feel comfortable resting on who we are and what we value in life.
Have to go, try things out, know how they feel about them.
In 30s, 40s, Si kicks in and helps us see the patterns.
A lot of people choose their values based on what has been passed down from their family members, society, or what makes logical sense to them. A lot of those things make it easier to make long term choices early on in life. It doesn't require the same sense of exploration if your values come from sources outside yourself.
What FEELS truly MEANINGFUL.
2 weeks, 4 months, one year from now.
Choose your commitment carefully.
Mindful.
Thanks for acknowledging the general NF angle on overwhelming others with our deep-dive into understanding everyone we meet. This INFJ appreciates the validation!
Thank you Heidi. I thought I was fearful avoidant and I am always finding myself confused about which attachment style that I struggle with. But, maybe I am more secure than I have thought or what not. This video makes clear sense. Thank you for this helpful video.
• I’ve known, from a very young age, the multiple possibilities / interests that I wanted to do with in life; in the moment , I chose other options, and made my plan happen 20 years later. No regrets.
• I have shared a ton of your early articles because you were the only one on the Internet I had found who actually described “us” accurately. When I read your articles, I knew your actually “got it”. Bravo.
😒😞
Thx Heidi. Much needed positivity. Very much appreciated.
As 19yo ENFP, this is soooooo true!! thanks really for making this videos
The conflicting thought is true and it's insane tho. I can't process my emotion to only one person as thoughtfully as when I love everybody in a community. I was overwhelmed by the amount of a personality difference between me and someone I'm about to have relationship with. I always feel they don't understand me enough.
I saw the title and right away
I gotta stop everything and watch this for my own good ahah
(And for the sake of others)
You nailed this ENFP commitment so perfectly, thank you. 🌹🌹🌹
Hell yes! It’s like your creating content on every question or thought I’ve ever had on the correlations between different psychological dynamics
💯 TRUTH!! boxed in = bored and frustrated and exhausted.. we need exploring and mini adventures and big ones in future plans too❤
I'm really "saving" your videos and trying to view them not all at once, but then algorithm always fails me. :)
Another video on issues lately bugging me from the inside. Thank you for this clarifying video, I actually did theorize while walking in the park, that maybe all enfps are not securely attached, and was very depressed with this thought. I see now that they are two separate, identifiable things.
I think we as ENFPs have a very sensitive compass. Once settled and fine tuned, it's the most powerful weapon, but it takes fracking amount of time fine tuning, that we end up hating it thinking it's broken, cursing at the wind why not sword or staff (?), only to find out we didn't give it a rest from all the magnets around, meddling in the way.
I can't seem to close it beautifully, but this compass just needs fine tuning. It ain't broken.
I hope you can do an INFJ video, this vid really helps me to understand those ENFPs around me. Thank you for posting this!
This is why marriage to me was a hell. It's way too much of a commitment although I want love and connection and will throw myself into it fully. Mu ideal partner would have to be someone who is totally comfortable with change and can keep up with me, be interested in my new interests and don't try to hold me back. 😘 Probably were attracted to the exact opposite to me
Relate to all of this! Reassuring 😊 (INFP)
HP dropping knowledge bombs!!! 📚💣💥
Thank you for the great insights again! I'm sorry to say (or maybe not) that looking forward to future possibilities doesn't end in middle age! I'm 43 and VERY much looking forward to the future. I will probably look at death as an opportunity, too, when I get there. Or actually, I already do 😀 (I just hope i will be an enfp in the next life, too, so that I can continue to explore).
What has made it even more difficult to narrow down the things I want to do or the kind of people I want to be with, is that I also had a LOT of trauma baggage from childhood. That probably makes me at least ten years late in my mental development in a way. Now that I've worked extensively with my trauma, I see things emerging, which I know will be (or already have been, I just didn't realise that) a lifelong interest which I will never be bored with. That feels great.
What comes to relationships, there seems to always be a dilemma. When I was with more peaceful, goal-oriented and naturally commiting people than me, an istj and an infj, I really really loved and appreciated them and they made me feel good and helped me calm down, but still I felt that they somehow want to tie me down, so I had to get out (I'm still good friends with both of them). And then I had a very passionate, but also unstable relationship with a (probably) estp/esfp, who didn't have a very healthy attachment style... that relationship was good in the sense that I never felt I would get bored with her, but on the other it was too much of an emotional rollercoaster... I do need SOME stability, too. Maybe the ideal person would be someone who is as passionate and explorative as I am, but also has a very secure attachment/ has worked on themselves, so that my nervous system can also have a rest... 😊.
Well anyway, now I have blurted out some of my biggest issues in life. But I guess I'm just being an ENFP. Thanks again for the great video!
I can somewhat relate - in my 50's and still exploring my next job/passion/house move etc. I know it won't stop! I feel like a teenager, not someone looking 60 in the eye! I too discovered trauma work, and it's been the best thing I have ever done.
@@artyj135 nice to hear that you have a similar sense of life and yes, trauma work is the best! One thing that makes me a bit confused sometimes, is the expectations for 40+ people in society. It seems to be very much that you should be settled and established and not very spontanious or enthusiastic about anything etc. In one word: boring. I'm so unlike those norms and sometimes it gets me. But I'm not gonna let them stop me.
@@herecomesthesun21 I understand. We have to learn not to judge ourselves for not being like the others or fitting any boxes. I like youtbe as it helps me find people living different lifestyles; I hang onto how much variety there is in the world. I will be 59 next week and wonder if I should be aiming to slow down, but I don't want to - I could happily start a whole new career and live in a new place! I am constantly learning new things. I left the city a few years ago as I had just had enough, but now I miss the variety of people and the possibilities that are there; I live somewhere beautiful, but haven't made connections with anyone but a few old school friends...I am pondering what my next move should be. I really need growth, learning, connection and spontaneity!
@@artyj135 yes, that's wisely put. You seem like a total ENFP to me 😊. I have a bit similar situation: I live in a bigger city and have dreamed years of living in some smaller, more peaceful place. But lately I realized that do actually love and need some qualities of city life, exactly the ones you mentioned. So I get your problem. Would a possible solution be a smaller or middle size town, where there is still people & things happening, but not too much noice, crowds etc? I don't know. I guess it's never perfect. But please continue your lifestyle if it makes you happy! You will find the next step. Like you said, being interested and learning new things, thinking new thoughts & meeting new people is key to a good life. My mum is soon 77 and she's still doing that and I admire her!
@@artyj135 btw, if you have some interesting youtube channels to recommend, I would be happy to hear 😊
I am an XNXP and the wisdom in this video really resonated with me! 😮👏🔥❤
This explains why my husband and I were so drawn to each other. He is ENTP. Having those NE conversations felt like finally someone understood me. He always tries to provide a framework for my wild ideas, which I don't always like lol. But, he is the one that introduced me to personality typing.
Spot-on. I'd also looooooove to hear about ENFPs (and INFPs, since they have the same cognitive functions and therefore deal with a lot of the same issues) who actually *are* fearful avoidant, since in many ways that attachment style overlaps with and exacerbates the contradictory tendencies that are already inherent in the xNFP psyche.
Thank you for clarifying this issue 🙏🏼. I wish I could translate this entire video into Spanish so my mom would better understand me!
Wow story of my entire life. As an ENFP I've also been able to translate to others what it is that they're feeling or going through in a way they've been trying to understand for a long time, and I'll just do it in passing sometimes because I want them to get over it quickly so we can go back to having fun lol because I've quickly invested a lot in people
I had to listen for a while, I at first had no idea why Attachment Theory would actually be confused with an ENFP.
I don't think too much about how others would find it bizarre that we invest in finding everyone interesting. Views appreciated.
I have read many comments on the video and I can say that even though I am "young" (I am 25) I have noticed that after several short relationships and one last one where I really thought the other person was "the one" (and all our life plans matched 100%) it feels like I have changed. I'm still a passionate person, who loves to meet new people and learn about everything, typical ENFP but let's just say I don't feel that instant crush I used to have after meeting an interesting pretty girl as I used before.
PS: I think the simple fact that I was so sure that the other person I was 100% committed to was "the one" and who turned out not to be in the end made me more distrustful perhaps? As one person said in the comments; It's not fear of committing me, but committing me to the wrong person.
I just love your videos 😍
INTJ here. Was with a fearful avoidant ENFP. She eventually broke off and it really broke me since I highly value commitment.
What also i have figured out dealing with Si inferior. The concept of extrema.
Especially at the start, if you don’t know for example whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, just go live like an extrovert for 2 weeks and an introvert for like a year. Develop both, and see.
For me, i’m an ambivert. Intp/entp combo.
I feel I don't actually go into anyone too deep unless I connect first, but then I get so invested and decide that I want them in my life because I don't feel like I connect with very many people on this level. I analyze and gnaw over their characters and the differences between us and our values and our similarities, only when, though, when they've sparked that initial "there's something familiarly different about them, I'm fixated" flame. Maybe I'm not an ENFP... I get very attached quickly to these people. I often find myself wishing these people were more attached to me and saw in me something similar.
Thanks Priebe! I am a enfp who had the madien name Priebe!
Really great video, thank you!!
What about ENFP fixation? I know an ENFP that romanticizes and fixated on a relationship that is over and has been over for years. They truly don’t see that it would not work anymore even if their ex did reciprocate
So basically im fucked. I need a Peter Pan for my Peter Pam
Perhaps a polyamorous relationship is suitable for an enfp?
I second this!
I’m ENFP and have a chits attachment style lol
I am an ENFP and also sagitarius with aquarius ascendant 😃👍
Pretty sure I’m fearful avoidant and an ENFP
6:20 mooooooooood