this has made me realize my disorganized attachment style stemmed from a weird, inconsistent mix of both responses. sometimes, expressing hurt helped. more often than not, though, it didn't, especially the older i got and the less my mom gave a shit about me. i'm a weird mix of avoidant and anxious attachment. i used to be more anxious, but it hurt me, so i went totally the opposite way, and now i'm more avoidant leaning. not sure it'll help me. but if anyone else wants this bit of insight i've realized, part of the reason i hold onto pain is because i'm desperate to have it validated. i grew up chronically invalidated and gaslighted so in my mind, holding onto that pain is the only way i can have someone someday validate it. you can't let go without first healing, and you can't heal without external support, as much as people try to claim otherwise you have to do it all on your own.
I am learning to say “Wait ten minutes.” Its amazing the possibilties of renewal that then bubble up. I have also gotten into Car Seat Headrest after seeing them and dancing for several hours. So therapeutic after two years of isolation. That isolation taught me how each moment was discrete, each a place to get lost in. Dancing gets one out of ones head like nothing else, to be in the moment.
Sadness in my experience is very debilitating. I know it's a process I have to go through to grow. Being unhappy on the otherhand can be a great motivator for growth too. My issue is distinguishing sadness and unhappiness. One feeds the other in my experience. I ran three marathons trying to avoid sadness and unhappiness. It occupied me mentally and physically so it worked. In the end I found peace and connected with myself, but I still wonder if I grew. This is a great video that provides insight and reminds me that awareness is key. I'm still learning and usually the tough way. The next time I feel happy I am definitely going to not put it in the short-lived or other shoe will drop category. Being mindful that the spectrum exist and a balance is needed.
OMG....Heidi, I cannot believe how painlessly you just told me that I feel helpless and sad so often because that got my needs met!!! I love you! Thank you so much for this! 🧡
Thank you so much heidi I am so deeply grateful for your time in making all your videos. I type this with tears in my eyes from the hope that you bring to me every time I watch.
I shouldve watched it when it was uploaded T_T I really have a hard time dealing with sadness and happiness altogether, i lost touch of my body. It just feels so tiring. Then when i watched this video, i smiled a genuine smile, heck i missed this smile. I really get so happy whenever i listen to u because youre soooo similar to me. And u make me so happy. The people in the comment section also makes me happy. I really missed your u and your videos. I feel more of myself after i watched this. Thank you so much!
AH thank you Heidi! I think I'm securely attached but I've been going through a bout of self doubt and not feeling enough in a relationship, and I realised that I actually have had a habit of when I feel sad and feel happy, I mentally TELL my body to be sad again, perpetuating the cycle. So thanks for the advice about leaning into the positivity because that should really help me stay present and learn my feelings better :D
I found you after having so many sleepless nights and finding out that I am an INFP I am so thankful and you are explaining it all so amazingly. Now I am looking for your videos on INFPs.
Hello Heidi, good afternoon! Every new video of yours, I can understand you better without active the subtitles in English. How nice! Have a great weekend, wherever you are. Greetings from Sonora, México 🇲🇽 👍🥰 👍.
Ah I wish you watched your videos last year when I hit my very bottoms. 😅 thank you for your efforts putting comprehensive knowledge out here ❤ I’ve learnt so much about myself with your videos 🎉❤
Thank you Heidi ♥️ CAN YOU PLEASE DO A VIDEO WITH FRANK JAMES ITD BE SO GOOODD especially since you're enfp and HES infj I'd loveeeee to see you both interact because I watch you BOTH religiously YALL have helped my life. Thank you for this video I feel that I feel sad about feeling sad even. It's a lot especially as someone who wants to be better. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. But I realize that putting visuals of my goals and what I want around me in the physical like my room and talking about my feelings with my intj fiancé is great
Try other forms of catharsis besides dance. take in a play. go to a museum. hear a quartet. Art heals. it leaves us speechless, and sometimes that is just what we need.
I agree that Art heals. Very eloquent your suggestions. My take from this video is that absorption of sadness needed, but also our awareness not to neglect self soothing disassociated from pain and trigger. To breathe no matter what avenue soothes us. I am a fan of Art as a remedy as you. I also enjoy seeing someone heal by their own means in a healthy way.
I am going through the loss of my dad but cannot experience any joy. It's been 10 months and my joy is very limited and hard to pull myself out of sadness.
Thanks for making this video. Sometimes, I feel that I am the one who stand in front of my happy moments saying 'its supposed to be a bad day.'. I just knew its an ENFP thing.
I love breaking out in song. Don't care if my neighbors think I'm nuts. I feel such a relief, also loud long drawn out yawning is relieving. That one drives my husband nuts😅 I used to avoid my negative feelings stuffing them, but huge familial stress caused me to become much more honest with how I feel and expressing my sadness and negativity.
Female INTJ here. This is a valid representation. It almost made me laugh. Quarantine time was awesome for me. Finally, I could deny group functions with an honest excuse. I got so much research done and plans written without constant interruptions. I hate being distracted from my important projects. Especially because someone needs to tell me how she discovered her baby hates carrots and her husband Theo isn't being as involved with the children as much as she would like to see. Uh, okay, Heidi, is your name Heidi? I appreciate the fact you need to vent about your stressor in life. However, I'm actually working on something important. So , if you are done here, I'd like to return to my tasks. Why do people get so uppity about simple facts? I want to stay in quarantine forever.
growing up, my divorced mom and dad shuttled me between two homes: one where my negative emotions were mostly nurtured, the other where my negative emotions could elicit impatience and anger. it feels like my adult emotions still split their time between those two homes. just like in my family relationships, i will try to emotionally integrate, but fear i will always feel a bit pulled in two.
On April 25 I created a poll on each of the 16 MBTI type's main Facebook Group page asking each type to identify their attachment styles. Here are the % results with the order of anxious/avoidant/disorganized/secure. To the right is number of responses. INFP (41/29/26/3%) 324 INTP (23/36/30/11%) 61 INFJ (53/24/7/16%) 160 INTJ (18/62/5/15%) 65 ISFJ (41/17/19/23%) 70 ISFP (8/20/60/12%) 25 ISTP (16/48/13/22) 45 ISTJ (20/61/1/18%) 100 ENFP(47/10/19/23%) 124 ENTP(31/24/33/12%) 94 ENFJ(27/5/12/55%) 74 ENTJ (0/24/32/44%) 25 ESFJ (57/14/0/29%) 14 ESFP(44/15/21/18%) 34 ESTP(21/14/36/29%) 14 ESTJ(50/25/0/25%) 16
Some mindfulness practices might be helpful for pausing a sadness loop, e.g. eating an apple and thinking of nothing else than the experience of eating it.
Woah that reminds me of my childhood. I remember being sad/upset/angry because of something and the moment I was happy again that same day my mother called me a lier or drama queen ... accusing me that I was faking my sadness the whole time. So I learned that I would have to stay in the sadness as long as possible to prove that I have been sad. Sorry if what I am writing doesn't make any sense but maybe someone understand what I mean ^^''
Can you do a video on ENFP's and Bipolar Disorder? I know I'm an enfp for sure but was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 in college and a lot of the symptoms kind of seem like traits like enfps and now I am not sure if I have it or not. I learned SO many new and interesting art history facts about surrealism for my fiction writing mfa program I'm starting and also talking to my boyfriend about philosophy since he is a philosopher and I was so hyper, happy, and excited to finally have deep conversations now that I am getting into the writing world. I was talking quickly, really happy, and felt elated. I thought I might be manic but then thought more about it being an enfp thing. Anyways, if you have any advice for the two subjects please let me know! It would be incredibly helpful.
I relate more to the avoidant upbringing (negative emotions not being addressed as important) yet my behavior is that of an anxious attachment. Basically I hold onto negative emotions while simultaneously not addressing them. How is this possible?
I can’t tell if I’m used to feeling sad or happy since I relate to both anxious and avoidant upbringings..I find it hard to feel sadness but sometimes also hard to feel happiness
But you did say at 16:19 that the whole point of this is to allow ur body to feel what it’s feeling at the given moment, both sadness and happiness , so I know what to do now
You also think of Heidi hoping she is ok? Though times can be challenging 🙏🏻 Thx dear. ☺️ Heidi, if u should read this: Take your time and as much care as you need. 💖
I had to push down sadness as a kid, but the pendulum's largely swung the other way as an adult. So what do I feel now? Not sure, but I *think* it's hating myself for that pendulum swing. My younger half is ashamed at my older half.
me too - i currently am anxiously attatched to my flatmate. she unfortunatly is struggeling from a breakup she had a year ago. I love her more than anything on this earth right now. But she is not emotionally available for such a hefty commitment. Due to living with her leting go is next to impossible and we do a lot together. we do love each other in a way. but she is just not capable of romance right now. i struggle with this a lot and she always soothes me when i get too sad. Often times we cuddle it out. I'm addicted to her nurturing and am afraid that she would stop cuddling me when i'm never sad. this is really quite the dilemma for me. I cry a lot lately and my brain thinks i'm dying. I must heal from my attatchment style and hope that i will never again step into the "anxiously attatched" trap I wish you the best!
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this has made me realize my disorganized attachment style stemmed from a weird, inconsistent mix of both responses. sometimes, expressing hurt helped. more often than not, though, it didn't, especially the older i got and the less my mom gave a shit about me. i'm a weird mix of avoidant and anxious attachment. i used to be more anxious, but it hurt me, so i went totally the opposite way, and now i'm more avoidant leaning.
not sure it'll help me.
but if anyone else wants this bit of insight i've realized, part of the reason i hold onto pain is because i'm desperate to have it validated. i grew up chronically invalidated and gaslighted so in my mind, holding onto that pain is the only way i can have someone someday validate it. you can't let go without first healing, and you can't heal without external support, as much as people try to claim otherwise you have to do it all on your own.
I am learning to say “Wait ten minutes.” Its amazing the possibilties of renewal that then bubble up.
I have also gotten into Car Seat Headrest after seeing them and dancing for several hours. So therapeutic after two years of isolation. That isolation taught me how each moment was discrete, each a place to get lost in. Dancing gets one out of ones head like nothing else, to be in the moment.
Sadness in my experience is very debilitating. I know it's a process I have to go through to grow. Being unhappy on the otherhand can be a great motivator for growth too. My issue is distinguishing sadness and unhappiness. One feeds the other in my experience. I ran three marathons trying to avoid sadness and unhappiness. It occupied me mentally and physically so it worked. In the end I found peace and connected with myself, but I still wonder if I grew.
This is a great video that provides insight and reminds me that awareness is key. I'm still learning and usually the tough way.
The next time I feel happy I am definitely going to not put it in the short-lived or other shoe will drop category. Being mindful that the spectrum exist and a balance is needed.
OMG....Heidi, I cannot believe how painlessly you just told me that I feel helpless and sad so often because that got my needs met!!! I love you! Thank you so much for this! 🧡
Thank you so much heidi I am so deeply grateful for your time in making all your videos. I type this with tears in my eyes from the hope that you bring to me every time I watch.
Heidi, it would be lovely if you can make a quiz on attachment styles. You’re the only one that explains them so well
yes!!
Thank you Heidi - you probably hear this a bunch but your advice currently hits the nail for me so hard it's not even funny.
So appropriately timed and so useful thanks Heidi
Sad to hear that you're struggling with stuff in your life. Love how you're processing it. I hope you're better soon. Good luck
Beautiful. Thank you so much for your help
you’re simply amazing heidi, so effortlessly eloquent and intelligent! thank you 💗
I shouldve watched it when it was uploaded T_T
I really have a hard time dealing with sadness and happiness altogether, i lost touch of my body. It just feels so tiring.
Then when i watched this video, i smiled a genuine smile, heck i missed this smile.
I really get so happy whenever i listen to u because youre soooo similar to me. And u make me so happy. The people in the comment section also makes me happy.
I really missed your u and your videos. I feel more of myself after i watched this. Thank you so much!
This is really amazing. Thank you so much
AH thank you Heidi! I think I'm securely attached but I've been going through a bout of self doubt and not feeling enough in a relationship, and I realised that I actually have had a habit of when I feel sad and feel happy, I mentally TELL my body to be sad again, perpetuating the cycle. So thanks for the advice about leaning into the positivity because that should really help me stay present and learn my feelings better :D
I found you after having so many sleepless nights and finding out that I am an INFP I am so thankful and you are explaining it all so amazingly. Now I am looking for your videos on INFPs.
Hello Heidi, good afternoon! Every new video of yours, I can understand you better without active the subtitles in English. How nice! Have a great weekend, wherever you are. Greetings from Sonora, México 🇲🇽 👍🥰 👍.
You took my advice? You are officially a legend, thank you very much.
Ah I wish you watched your videos last year when I hit my very bottoms. 😅 thank you for your efforts putting comprehensive knowledge out here ❤ I’ve learnt so much about myself with your videos 🎉❤
Thank you Heidi ♥️ CAN YOU PLEASE DO A VIDEO WITH FRANK JAMES ITD BE SO GOOODD especially since you're enfp and HES infj I'd loveeeee to see you both interact because I watch you BOTH religiously YALL have helped my life. Thank you for this video
I feel that I feel sad about feeling sad even. It's a lot especially as someone who wants to be better. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. But I realize that putting visuals of my goals and what I want around me in the physical like my room and talking about my feelings with my intj fiancé is great
Try other forms of catharsis besides dance. take in a play. go to a museum. hear a quartet. Art heals. it leaves us speechless, and sometimes that is just what we need.
I agree that Art heals. Very eloquent your suggestions. My take from this video is that absorption of sadness needed, but also our awareness not to neglect self soothing disassociated from pain and trigger. To breathe no matter what avenue soothes us. I am a fan of Art as a remedy as you. I also enjoy seeing someone heal by their own means in a healthy way.
I am going through the loss of my dad but cannot experience any joy. It's been 10 months and my joy is very limited and hard to pull myself out of sadness.
This video!! So good!! I’m an INFJ, you should share this with everyone, not just label for ENFP ❤️
I’ve always said to let yourself feel everything. Then you break down why you felt that way. Now you can learn how to feel better.
Thanks for making this video. Sometimes, I feel that I am the one who stand in front of my happy moments saying 'its supposed to be a bad day.'. I just knew its an ENFP thing.
from watching a few of your videos you remind me so much of an enfj hahaha, surprised to know that you're really an enfp!
I love breaking out in song. Don't care if my neighbors think I'm nuts. I feel such a relief, also loud long drawn out yawning is relieving. That one drives my husband nuts😅 I used to avoid my negative feelings stuffing them, but huge familial stress caused me to become much more honest with how I feel and expressing my sadness and negativity.
Wow. Thank you
Female INTJ here. This is a valid representation. It almost made me laugh. Quarantine time was awesome for me. Finally, I could deny group functions with an honest excuse. I got so much research done and plans written without constant interruptions. I hate being distracted from my important projects. Especially because someone needs to tell me how she discovered her baby hates carrots and her husband Theo isn't being as involved with the children as much as she would like to see. Uh, okay, Heidi, is your name Heidi? I appreciate the fact you need to vent about your stressor in life. However, I'm actually working on something important. So , if you are done here, I'd like to return to my tasks. Why do people get so uppity about simple facts? I want to stay in quarantine forever.
growing up, my divorced mom and dad shuttled me between two homes: one where my negative emotions were mostly nurtured, the other where my negative emotions could elicit impatience and anger. it feels like my adult emotions still split their time between those two homes. just like in my family relationships, i will try to emotionally integrate, but fear i will always feel a bit pulled in two.
On April 25 I created a poll on each of the 16 MBTI type's main Facebook Group page asking each type to identify their attachment styles.
Here are the % results with the order of anxious/avoidant/disorganized/secure. To the right is number of responses.
INFP (41/29/26/3%) 324
INTP (23/36/30/11%) 61
INFJ (53/24/7/16%) 160
INTJ (18/62/5/15%) 65
ISFJ (41/17/19/23%) 70
ISFP (8/20/60/12%) 25
ISTP (16/48/13/22) 45
ISTJ (20/61/1/18%) 100
ENFP(47/10/19/23%) 124
ENTP(31/24/33/12%) 94
ENFJ(27/5/12/55%) 74
ENTJ (0/24/32/44%) 25
ESFJ (57/14/0/29%) 14
ESFP(44/15/21/18%) 34
ESTP(21/14/36/29%) 14
ESTJ(50/25/0/25%) 16
Wow! This is awesome!
Some mindfulness practices might be helpful for pausing a sadness loop, e.g. eating an apple and thinking of nothing else than the experience of eating it.
Woah that reminds me of my childhood. I remember being sad/upset/angry because of something and the moment I was happy again that same day my mother called me a lier or drama queen ... accusing me that I was faking my sadness the whole time. So I learned that I would have to stay in the sadness as long as possible to prove that I have been sad. Sorry if what I am writing doesn't make any sense but maybe someone understand what I mean ^^''
Can you do a video on ENFP's and Bipolar Disorder? I know I'm an enfp for sure but was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 in college and a lot of the symptoms kind of seem like traits like enfps and now I am not sure if I have it or not. I learned SO many new and interesting art history facts about surrealism for my fiction writing mfa program I'm starting and also talking to my boyfriend about philosophy since he is a philosopher and I was so hyper, happy, and excited to finally have deep conversations now that I am getting into the writing world. I was talking quickly, really happy, and felt elated. I thought I might be manic but then thought more about it being an enfp thing. Anyways, if you have any advice for the two subjects please let me know! It would be incredibly helpful.
I don’t want to change my avoidant attachment style I am dead inside but it’s peaceful
That’s fake peace
♥️
That's what sadness feels like to me too
I relate more to the avoidant upbringing (negative emotions not being addressed as important) yet my behavior is that of an anxious attachment. Basically I hold onto negative emotions while simultaneously not addressing them. How is this possible?
Situationally appropriate emotion
Anxious attachment holds on to negative emotion
Needs met when displayed negative emotion
Can u please do a video on how enfp get out of si mode? (Si: reverse personality type do to extreme stress)
Really helpful for my ENTP ass. Thanks
Can you do a video on the internalized fearful avoidant?
I can’t tell if I’m used to feeling sad or happy since I relate to both anxious and avoidant upbringings..I find it hard to feel sadness but sometimes also hard to feel happiness
But you did say at 16:19 that the whole point of this is to allow ur body to feel what it’s feeling at the given moment, both sadness and happiness , so I know what to do now
Random dance parties >>>>>>
Pls don't tell me u broke up with Sarah T_T
You also think of Heidi hoping she is ok? Though times can be challenging 🙏🏻 Thx dear. ☺️ Heidi, if u should read this: Take your time and as much care as you need. 💖
I had to push down sadness as a kid, but the pendulum's largely swung the other way as an adult. So what do I feel now? Not sure, but I *think* it's hating myself for that pendulum swing. My younger half is ashamed at my older half.
I think I learned this accidentally in life 🙃
I’m ENFP but highly anxiously attached.
me too - i currently am anxiously attatched to my flatmate. she unfortunatly is struggeling from a breakup she had a year ago. I love her more than anything on this earth right now. But she is not emotionally available for such a hefty commitment. Due to living with her leting go is next to impossible and we do a lot together. we do love each other in a way. but she is just not capable of romance right now. i struggle with this a lot and she always soothes me when i get too sad. Often times we cuddle it out. I'm addicted to her nurturing and am afraid that she would stop cuddling me when i'm never sad. this is really quite the dilemma for me. I cry a lot lately and my brain thinks i'm dying. I must heal from my attatchment style and hope that i will never again step into the "anxiously attatched" trap
I wish you the best!