I just want to drop a note to offer you some encouragement about being at your set point. I reached mine during recovery after 10-plus years of ED, and same thing, was never thrilled about it. But slowly, over the past 4 years or so, I've come to the point where I accept it. I also noticed that the more I accept my set point, the less behaviors I have, the more freedom I have in eating, and the better I feel. I still struggle at times, but most days I'm generally just not worried about my body anymore (I do fear pregnancy weight, too. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it). Keep plugging along!
Hey dear! It is always good getting an update from you. I feel as though you are in a place that it is so common for eating disorder sufferers to fall into. You are doing better than before, but still not behavior free. Weight restored, yet still fighting an inward battle. I think that if it helps you should continue to share here on youtube! Just because you have reached a certain point in recovery doesn't mean that you don't still need the support or still need to vent what is on your mind. I'm always here for you and I know that others who have followed you from the start are too. Hugs!
So wonderful to hear from you! Working full time and going to school is incredibly hard. It sure sounds like it's already paying off though...and you're almost there!!
So glad to hear everything is going relatively ok. I'm excited for you to become a mother - I would hold off on the second dog though since a baby will be a ton of work on its own! :)
So great to hear from you! I was just thinking about you within the last week or so. I'm very proud of the job you got! I'm the director of adult behavioral health in WA state- mental health is a very rewarding career! Keep pressing on and have faith that you get through this! I'm also having issues w/ my screwed up metabolism and miss being skinny. But it's so easy to euphorically recall the good feelings and skip over the hell it took to get to that point. Self awareness and honest introspection is definitely key!
Sounds like you have a great job! I think you're right- I often talk to my clients about euphoric recall but forget I may be experiencing the same thing in regards to my Ed and "when I was skinny." Thank for your comment!
So happy you did an update ! I wish you a great time in Hawai and especially with bathing suit shopping i know exactly how you feel. It makes me so happy to hear that you are living your life with your partner/family and job/education you should be so proud of yourself of how far you´ve come !
it was such a pleasant surprise to see this video in my subscriptions. i missed watching your videos so much. i relapsed pretty recently and things have been kind of scary, but it's nice to see a familiar face. you seem so good, i really wish you the best.
Obviously listen to your doctors but my mum has spinobifida, ehlers-danlos syndrome with related POTS, heart valve issues etc. and was told her pregnancies would be impossible/high risk and she had all three of us at full term vaginally so it can be done! I have EDS too with very low blood pressure and whilst I'm not planning on getting pregnant right now, when I've spoken to my consultants they've just said that I'd have extra monitoring, extra scans and could potentially end up in hospital during my pregnancy for monitoring but that it is all manageable. Obviously we don't have identical conditions but they can do so so much to get you through those 9 months! So so lovely to see a video from you again! It sounds like a perfect job for you! Treatment centre environment that you know oh so well(!) but not too close to home for your own issues. Plus babies!!! xxx
Yeah, that's what the high risk OB pretty much said- a bit more complicated with extra monitoring, but definitely doable! Glad to hear your mom was able to do well in pregnancy despite health problems. :)
Love your updates! You hadn't made a video in a while so every now and again I found myself wondering how you were, glad you're okey :) I can really see you being a great mom! Hope things all turn out okey and hope to see more updates. Big hugs xx
you seem like such a lovely person. i accidenly came across one of your old videos and they are so real and honest. hope you're doing well and you're a true inspiration :)
You're back!!!!!! I think we've all missed your videos. I'm so happy for how everything is going for you except the health concerns of course. I can relate to what youre saying about being the highest weught you will accept. l was at my highest a month ago, and i lost some, and now at a lower weight that has become the highest i will accept. it sucks but its just the ed talking! i hope everything keeps going well for you in life xx
It's so so so good to get an update from you! I love seeing just how far you've come. :)) Congratulations on finishing up school- hopefully these next 30 ish days fly by so that you can officially say you're done! And I'm so happy for you and that job! It sounds fantastic- and like something I'd love to do ((if I ever get my behind back in school. Lol)) If you and your hubby do end up pregnant- please let us know! I'd love to be praying for you specifically during that time. :)
I can completely relate to you. I was anorexic and bulimic for years and have gone up and down and back up the scale. I'm at the "up" part (UGH!!!) and have been finding that behaviors have crept back in...of course, I feel like it's "no big deal" but I'm sure it is. It's hard to accept my body and like you, no matter what I do (starve, purge, eat) I don't lose weight. Very frustrating. :( But brava to you for advancing in your education and your career! Having gone through what you have, will certainly make you a great counselor/clinician.
As a pregnant bulimic person, let me tell you.... Pregnancy is so so so hard from an eating disorder stand point. It's absolutely terrifying. But it's sooo worth it. The thing that's been getting me through has been reminding myself that I'm not only responsible for myself now, I'm responsible for my little nugget now too. It's my motivation for not acting on behaviors. When the time comes, you'll be an amazing mom. :)
+raganmae I don't do either of those things.... Haha. I have a tumblr that I never use though, so I could try to be more active on there and use it as a blog of sorts? I'll send you a link if I can remember my login... :)
So good to hear from you and to know how you're doing. That is exciting about your job and future family plans! Very relatable, especially about feeling recovered even when still engaging in some behaviours. I always thought, "well at least my weight is up now and I am not bad like I was, so I am ok to have some ED behaviours". I don't love my weight but I love not having the behaviours anymore. You totally got this though! Like seriously, you've come so far :)
It's so wonderful to see how far you've come.. Keep at it, see someone for behaviours they can sneak up on you and turn into a cycle (I know that seems impossible right now - but it can happen) Sending you positive thoughts and love! x
+raganmae I'm okay.. Everything is still a work in progress but I am not as ill as I used to be but not as recovered as I should be so I'm just trying to still be on the bandwagon!
Naturally I clicked way fast and watched right away :) Then I felt bad that just cuz I still wanna catch up more in person (though wanna respect the insanity you've got going on), I didn't want ya to think I didn't care if I didn't say something here :') Soooo, this is me sending you my love and support. (Annnnd as a side note, as someone who once lost their license to seizures, and technically coooould've again now if I were able to drive right now, I feel ya on the BP issues, fainting and driving, etccc) I hope that it, along with the gums issues and future pregnancy can help you truck through those rough moments when behaviors would be so much easier. But that doesn't mean your progress isn't amazing and worthy of being commended. **sends you my heart**
I was so excited to see this update! First of all--superficial, but your hair is always amazing. Loving the bangs, as always. Your job sounds so perfect for you, though stressful on top of school. But you are tough and will get through it. I have also found that my body resists weight loss or gain this many years into weight restoration. It amazes me actually. As someone who has had two kids post eating disorder, I can tell you for me personally the weight gain wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, I gained close to 40 lbs each time (eek) but I felt more confident in my body than I had ever before. And after pregnancy the weight just went back to normal without doing anything. And for me having a baby readjusted my perception of my body in ways I didn't think possible. Not that it's that way for everyone, but it can be for some. Good luck!!
Thank you for sharing! I feel less alone and abnormal knowing someone else has experienced the same thing. I'm not worried too much about preggo weight gain because it's for someone else's (kiddo) well being. I can justify that. ;)
It so good to hear from you! I think your job is awesome! I have a question about your blood pressure. Hearing you say that your doctor talked about taking you license away because of it being low is really scary. It means it really low. Mine also runs low but I'm sure higher than yours, but I was wondering what yours runs. Curious as to what number draws the line. Thanks
Normal for me is 80/60. It can be lower than that though. I've gotten it up to 100/60 tho lately. I don't remember the lowest I've seen it. My blood pressure cuff has a hard time reading it and will just say "low" lol
Sending you lot's of love. I can relate to many things you said in this video.(weight staying the same no matter what. I'm assuming that you have now graduated. Way to go!! In March my kidney Dr. pretty much said to me," Well maybe you are too sick to have a child. (I have chronic low magnesium with infusions every other week) ." I think if you know the risks that can happen and you prepare for it there is no reason why you can't have a baby. I would say get the port. My life is easier since I got my port. Hang in there and do some more videos.
Oh wow. Mine doesn't run quite as low....high 80s over 40s, but I know how it feels to have it run in the 100s. I get excited about how excited my doctors and nurses are. Sorry for all the questions. I know you have heart problems but do you get symptoms from it being low. I've never been told I can't drive but I also don't have symptoms unless it drops lower.
Danielle, it doesn't matter what all the doctors and other people say! There's only ONE important question in this world and there's only ONE person in the world who can give you the truest answer you can ever get. Question is: Will you be able to let ALL your behaviours aside while you're pregnant so that your child will GET THE FAIR OPPORTUNITY to develop and grow as healthy as possible? And the one who gives you the answer you can relie to is YOU! Only YOU. If there's a single doubt that you won't be able to manage it at THIS point at your life then don't get pregnent now cause you know, IF something happens with your baby, you will NEVER be able to forgive yourself that. Never.
Robin Phipps would really help, with the whole weight and body issues, her channel is weightlossapocalypse. I had issues until watching her chanel, something just clicked...
I'm a year into a master's in social work, so I'm probably more qualified than I think I am. Congrats on finding a good job before graduation tho! That isn't easy
You're back and that makes me so, so happy
SO GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN!!!!
I just want to drop a note to offer you some encouragement about being at your set point. I reached mine during recovery after 10-plus years of ED, and same thing, was never thrilled about it. But slowly, over the past 4 years or so, I've come to the point where I accept it. I also noticed that the more I accept my set point, the less behaviors I have, the more freedom I have in eating, and the better I feel. I still struggle at times, but most days I'm generally just not worried about my body anymore (I do fear pregnancy weight, too. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it). Keep plugging along!
Hey dear! It is always good getting an update from you. I feel as though you are in a place that it is so common for eating disorder sufferers to fall into. You are doing better than before, but still not behavior free. Weight restored, yet still fighting an inward battle. I think that if it helps you should continue to share here on youtube! Just because you have reached a certain point in recovery doesn't mean that you don't still need the support or still need to vent what is on your mind. I'm always here for you and I know that others who have followed you from the start are too. Hugs!
So wonderful to hear from you! Working full time and going to school is incredibly hard. It sure sounds like it's already paying off though...and you're almost there!!
I've missed you so much Ragan!
So happy to see you back on UA-cam! Sending you lots of love and wishing you all the best for everything coming up! X
Thank you! I hope to be back doing more vids. I miss this community!
Praying for you, Raganmae. So glad to see you doing so well.
So glad to hear everything is going relatively ok. I'm excited for you to become a mother - I would hold off on the second dog though since a baby will be a ton of work on its own! :)
So nice to see you again! :)
So great to hear from you! I was just thinking about you within the last week or so. I'm very proud of the job you got! I'm the director of adult behavioral health in WA state- mental health is a very rewarding career! Keep pressing on and have faith that you get through this! I'm also having issues w/ my screwed up metabolism and miss being skinny. But it's so easy to euphorically recall the good feelings and skip over the hell it took to get to that point. Self awareness and honest introspection is definitely key!
Sounds like you have a great job! I think you're right- I often talk to my clients about euphoric recall but forget I may be experiencing the same thing in regards to my Ed and "when I was skinny." Thank for your comment!
So happy you did an update ! I wish you a great time in Hawai and especially with bathing suit shopping i know exactly how you feel. It makes me so happy to hear that you are living your life with your partner/family and job/education you should be so proud of yourself of how far you´ve come !
Thank you. I might make a video about how bathing suit shopping goes.
it was such a pleasant surprise to see this video in my subscriptions. i missed watching your videos so much. i relapsed pretty recently and things have been kind of scary, but it's nice to see a familiar face. you seem so good, i really wish you the best.
I'm sorry to hear you relapsed. I hope you are reaching out for support- I know how difficult a relapse can be.
Obviously listen to your doctors but my mum has spinobifida, ehlers-danlos syndrome with related POTS, heart valve issues etc. and was told her pregnancies would be impossible/high risk and she had all three of us at full term vaginally so it can be done! I have EDS too with very low blood pressure and whilst I'm not planning on getting pregnant right now, when I've spoken to my consultants they've just said that I'd have extra monitoring, extra scans and could potentially end up in hospital during my pregnancy for monitoring but that it is all manageable. Obviously we don't have identical conditions but they can do so so much to get you through those 9 months! So so lovely to see a video from you again! It sounds like a perfect job for you! Treatment centre environment that you know oh so well(!) but not too close to home for your own issues. Plus babies!!! xxx
Yeah, that's what the high risk OB pretty much said- a bit more complicated with extra monitoring, but definitely doable! Glad to hear your mom was able to do well in pregnancy despite health problems. :)
Love your updates! You hadn't made a video in a while so every now and again I found myself wondering how you were, glad you're okey :) I can really see you being a great mom! Hope things all turn out okey and hope to see more updates. Big hugs xx
I hope to make more updates too :)
you seem like such a lovely person. i accidenly came across one of your old videos and they are so real and honest. hope you're doing well and you're a true inspiration :)
good to hear from you
Hey you're still on YT??! :) sometimes I forget that's how I "met" you.
You're back!!!!!! I think we've all missed your videos. I'm so happy for how everything is going for you except the health concerns of course. I can relate to what youre saying about being the highest weught you will accept. l was at my highest a month ago, and i lost some, and now at a lower weight that has become the highest i will accept. it sucks but its just the ed talking! i hope everything keeps going well for you in life xx
It's so so so good to get an update from you! I love seeing just how far you've come. :)) Congratulations on finishing up school- hopefully these next 30 ish days fly by so that you can officially say you're done! And I'm so happy for you and that job! It sounds fantastic- and like something I'd love to do ((if I ever get my behind back in school. Lol))
If you and your hubby do end up pregnant- please let us know! I'd love to be praying for you specifically during that time. :)
I will definitely let you guys know if/when I get preggo. I hope to make several more videos before then too. Thanks!
I can completely relate to you. I was anorexic and bulimic for years and have gone up and down and back up the scale. I'm at the "up" part (UGH!!!) and have been finding that behaviors have crept back in...of course, I feel like it's "no big deal" but I'm sure it is. It's hard to accept my body and like you, no matter what I do (starve, purge, eat) I don't lose weight. Very frustrating. :( But brava to you for advancing in your education and your career! Having gone through what you have, will certainly make you a great counselor/clinician.
As a pregnant bulimic person, let me tell you.... Pregnancy is so so so hard from an eating disorder stand point. It's absolutely terrifying. But it's sooo worth it. The thing that's been getting me through has been reminding myself that I'm not only responsible for myself now, I'm responsible for my little nugget now too. It's my motivation for not acting on behaviors. When the time comes, you'll be an amazing mom. :)
Do you blog or do YT vids? I'd be interested in hearing more about your experience being pregnant and bulimic. Thank you for sharing!
+raganmae I don't do either of those things.... Haha. I have a tumblr that I never use though, so I could try to be more active on there and use it as a blog of sorts? I'll send you a link if I can remember my login... :)
+Ellie Anne do you have an email? Mine is raganmae@gmail.com
+raganmae yes! Ellie.anne49@gmail.com
So good to hear from you and to know how you're doing. That is exciting about your job and future family plans! Very relatable, especially about feeling recovered even when still engaging in some behaviours. I always thought, "well at least my weight is up now and I am not bad like I was, so I am ok to have some ED behaviours". I don't love my weight but I love not having the behaviours anymore. You totally got this though! Like seriously, you've come so far :)
Thanks! It's good to know I'm not the only one going through the ups and downs of recovery.
It's so wonderful to see how far you've come.. Keep at it, see someone for behaviours they can sneak up on you and turn into a cycle (I know that seems impossible right now - but it can happen) Sending you positive thoughts and love! x
Glad to see you're still on YT! I hope you're doing well!
+raganmae I'm okay.. Everything is still a work in progress but I am not as ill as I used to be but not as recovered as I should be so I'm just trying to still be on the bandwagon!
+vishmantri I completely understand being in that in-between place.
nice to hear from you! of course we're always gonna have some behaviours, no one's perfect. but you've come a long way, be proud of that :)
Thanks- I'm definitely not perfect but trying to be the best I can be.
You're back!
THANKS for the update
Naturally I clicked way fast and watched right away :) Then I felt bad that just cuz I still wanna catch up more in person (though wanna respect the insanity you've got going on), I didn't want ya to think I didn't care if I didn't say something here :') Soooo, this is me sending you my love and support. (Annnnd as a side note, as someone who once lost their license to seizures, and technically coooould've again now if I were able to drive right now, I feel ya on the BP issues, fainting and driving, etccc) I hope that it, along with the gums issues and future pregnancy can help you truck through those rough moments when behaviors would be so much easier. But that doesn't mean your progress isn't amazing and worthy of being commended. **sends you my heart**
Love you!
love you! thank you so much for telling more of your story! i missed you!
Hope you are doing well!
I saw this and was like 'oh wow!' ..so good to see this video! :). Congrats on the job, sounds perfect.
Thanks! It's a great job :)
I'm so happy for you!!!! :) I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm happy that some things are looking up!
Thank you. Where do you live? I'm in Spokane, WA.
I was so excited to see this update! First of all--superficial, but your hair is always amazing. Loving the bangs, as always. Your job sounds so perfect for you, though stressful on top of school. But you are tough and will get through it. I have also found that my body resists weight loss or gain this many years into weight restoration. It amazes me actually. As someone who has had two kids post eating disorder, I can tell you for me personally the weight gain wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, I gained close to 40 lbs each time (eek) but I felt more confident in my body than I had ever before. And after pregnancy the weight just went back to normal without doing anything. And for me having a baby readjusted my perception of my body in ways I didn't think possible. Not that it's that way for everyone, but it can be for some. Good luck!!
Thank you for sharing! I feel less alone and abnormal knowing someone else has experienced the same thing. I'm not worried too much about preggo weight gain because it's for someone else's (kiddo) well being. I can justify that. ;)
missed your videos
YAYA!! So happy your back!! We missed you:)
Aww thanks!
It so good to hear from you! I think your job is awesome! I have a question about your blood pressure. Hearing you say that your doctor talked about taking you license away because of it being low is really scary. It means it really low. Mine also runs low but I'm sure higher than yours, but I was wondering what yours runs. Curious as to what number draws the line. Thanks
Normal for me is 80/60. It can be lower than that though. I've gotten it up to 100/60 tho lately. I don't remember the lowest I've seen it. My blood pressure cuff has a hard time reading it and will just say "low" lol
Sending you lot's of love. I can relate to many things you said in this video.(weight staying the same no matter what. I'm assuming that you have now graduated. Way to go!! In March my kidney Dr. pretty much said to me," Well maybe you are too sick to have a child. (I have chronic low magnesium with infusions every other week) ." I think if you know the risks that can happen and you prepare for it there is no reason why you can't have a baby. I would say get the port. My life is easier since I got my port. Hang in there and do some more videos.
Hi! Missed you. The kid thing sounds scary but it looks like you're coming at it reasonably
I don't know if you give mentioned this before, are you getting your MSW or?
BA in Addiction Studies ;)
Omg I have POTS too! Also I've been watching you for about 6 years :)
you are such a beautiful soul! i think you need to have kids! ur kids wuld be the sweetest, cutest little children on the planet, just like you!
Oh wow. Mine doesn't run quite as low....high 80s over 40s, but I know how it feels to have it run in the 100s. I get excited about how excited my doctors and nurses are. Sorry for all the questions. I know you have heart problems but do you get symptoms from it being low. I've never been told I can't drive but I also don't have symptoms unless it drops lower.
I feel like I'm dying. I feel lethargic...idk I just feel off. It's a weird feeling.
+raganmae wow, no Bueno! I hope yours continues to trend up.
We missed you!!!!!
Danielle, it doesn't matter what all the doctors and other people say! There's only ONE important question in this world and there's only ONE person in the world who can give you the truest answer you can ever get.
Question is: Will you be able to let ALL your behaviours aside while you're pregnant so that your child will GET THE FAIR OPPORTUNITY to develop and grow as healthy as possible?
And the one who gives you the answer you can relie to is YOU! Only YOU.
If there's a single doubt that you won't be able to manage it at THIS point at your life then don't get pregnent now cause you know, IF something happens with your baby, you will NEVER be able to forgive yourself that. Never.
Robin Phipps would really help, with the whole weight and body issues, her channel is weightlossapocalypse. I had issues until watching her chanel, something just clicked...
Keep going sweetie, your make an amazing mum :)
Thanks love 😘
💜
Are you working on your Master's or Bachelor's? I would love a job like that, but I don't think I'm qualified :(
Just my BA! You can go back to school if you already have your BA and get you MA in addiction studies too.
I'm a year into a master's in social work, so I'm probably more qualified than I think I am. Congrats on finding a good job before graduation tho! That isn't easy
ur so beautiful and sweet
i sow all yr video s ilike to see yr smile i want to know how y gained weight