My mother had major depression during my tween/teen years. She would be in bed all day and didn't care for the house. The whole family constantly bullied her about being lazy and not being a good mom/wife. This is why mental health education is SO important for all ages and generations.
So true! I've often wondered what it would have been like for me and my family had mental illness been treated like an actual illness, as opposed to a set of character defects.
My mom also struggled like this. Same story, it wasn't until I got older and started struggling with depression myself that my eyes were opened to her situation. Even now, I've called her to tell her she did a wonderful job as a mom and she said "I feel like I wasn't good enough."
My mom also did not care about the house and it has affected me negatively. I think kids deserve clean and organized house. Warm meal. I think this is not a good mom...sorry but healvy depressed person affects kids in a very negative way.....talking from experience sadly..
@@Mariamee123 don't you see the link between depressed mother and your own depression ? I am a child of mentally unfit mother and (sorry) but she should have chosen not to have kids. I am sorry to burst the bubble but you mom has to be blamed partially. Read studies of the effect on kids if mother is depressed.
@@55linka your so correct I’m a mom and have dealt with situational depression, ( very different then chronic depression) Good Mental health is key in raising healthy kids. Not everyone is going to be a good parent nor do we have a right to have kids. It’s a bless and a choice to decide your capability to raise a child for 18 yr if you’ve been diagnosed with depression or suffer from mental illness the answers is no don’t have kids. Postpartum depression or situational depression are very different than being chronically depressed it’s a depression that is based off of a hormonal change or a situation that anyone will be depressed and they can be treated chronic depression is chronic it never goes away and mental health issues affect kids we live in such a greedy society we think we have a right to whatever we want and we’re just breeding unhealthy kids that grow into dysfunctional adults. People with chronic depression postpartum or any other mental health issue who are unable to take care of them self or their homes deserve to have help and as a taxpayer I don’t mind some of my tax dollars going to help these people. I do however resent paying for people to sit at home and just have baby after baby. Let’s stop treating procreation like we need it there’s far too many people on this planet with nothing to do and no education let’s take care of the people we have before we start making more.
Dealing with a deep, very painful depression. I gave myself one rule: make your bed (In order to do that, you have to get out of it). Then another rule: wear your clothes (get dressed, in clean clothes - that have to be cleaned). Then: every day, do one thing. Just one. At the end of the month, you've done 30 things. As time went on, it expanded, but the principle is the same. I slowly but surely became a functional person again. I love this lady, her insight is so compassionate and effective.
Yes, I found the "one thing a day" rule to be an extremely helpful approach too! That way the root problem of the 'unattainable (and wrongly moralized) standards' that KC Davis addresses so lucidly is most effectively circumvented - you set the bar to the very lowest level so that suddenly you cannot miss anymore and you WILL feel good about the one thing you did, and often you will even find motivation to do one more, or even several more things, but even if you don't the death spiral of "I have failed another whole day" is cut short...
@@yvjohns Exactly. You crawl back from the abyss one step at a time, until you accumulate so many successes that that is your new pattern. I never look at the mountain, that would be demoralizing. I look at what I have to do this day, this week. At the end of the month, you have accomplished so much. The end of the year will astonish you!
"But for millions of people the autopilot is broken..." I'm sitting here next to my 7-month-old baby crying as I hear these words, because I have never in my life had an autopilot for any of these household tasks. And now as a mom of two who almost certainly has ADHD, decision fatigue cripples me every. single. day. I'm already saying thank you for this video, and I haven't even gotten to the end yet. It is such a relief to know that I am not alone.
My wife and I thought we were both just Libras and laughed when we both took 2 hours to do the shopping. It feels much more serious with kids. I wish Alexa was smart enough to help. That forgetting the laundry and having to redo it really hit the mark.
@@edwardmitchell6581 I mean, I don't have ADHD and I forget the laundry all.the.time - the beeper could do with being louder! Also take far too long to do a shop in person (too much yummy stuff on the shelves!) there's a reason why we normally do an online shop..but then I did always get told in school I could focus better, so maybe there's some tendencies in that direction 🤷🏻♀️ I think they'll get steadily better at helping our environments help ourselves hopefully!
@@sarahjohnstone9041 As long people respond to ads and flashy branding, I think distractions will be the norm. If we are comfortable and undistracted, companies won't be able to get extra money from us. Sometimes I dream that AI will only show us what we need rather than showing us what we want. Although that might be worse.
You’re not alone!!! Ordering groceries on line is also helpful for me. The store is too distracting and online allows me time to process what I’m doing and make changes before I spend or get distracted again. I can do the laundry but rarely get it hung up so try not to buy high maintenance clothes. And I ordered a bunch more undies so I can go longer lol. I am thinking about a rumba vacuum because I don’t get that done “enough” either. Don’t sweat it you are in the same boat as a lot of us peeps. Xoxox This Tedx is one of my favorites now. Thank you to the author! I’m going to share it with the people who don’t “get it”. ❤
I never realised that depression could lead to not cleaning one’s teeth, or taking a shower, but that’s where I am right now. This is a very heartening video.
It sure can and I've been there for a year and a half. I was doing alright, finding that push. Then it got worse again, then a close friend died and it got worse again. I see people that can't change sheets for 5 months at a time, and I hope it doesn't ever get that bad.
That is so true. Was there too. This moment you realize that you have no power and it is even not that important wether you are clean or have healthy teeth….
@@pugonato I find it's still important and I'll obsess over it. It just gets so hard to find that push to do all the self care. I manage better than some, but finding push, just finding ways to push, it's the daily struggle for most days and only occasionally lifts a bit.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 I literally stand up from couch to make coffee, that’s the push, and after to steps I got back to couch because coffee is also not that important….. I don’t know, depression is in every single cell of my body and life. I could talk about it all day long. But nobody cares
I love love love that the one woman mentioned working with her dental hygienist to come up with a solution for brushing her teeth. The fact that her dentist didn't judge but offered a solution warms my heart. My heart breaks for those who don't experience such compassion.
What's even more interesting is my sister is a dental assistant, and her son/my nephew has issues with brushing his teeth so their dentist told him that he can brush his teeth with like mouthwash because what's important is the friction you create and fluoride from the mouthwash. It was very shocking to learn because the dentist himself said he hasn't used toothpaste in years because he doesn't like the unhealthy additives so he "makes his own natural paste" ... I really felt like I've been scammed out of my life to keep buying toothpaste lmao
I wish I had this in my life! When my brother went to the dentist after a months long bout of bad depression, they infantilized him and gave him a ‘how to brush your teeth’ demo like he was a child, never considering that the problem is entirely different
Right, I haven't gotten to that point in the video yet but my dental hygienist is so rude and judgemental towards me. I brush every single day but I have severe allergies to regular toothpaste because of sls and mouthwash because of the alcohol. I use an sls free toothpaste and used to use a bamboo toothbrush for environmental reasons. I've explained my allergies to her multiple times and she's still harsh with me every time I go in as if I don't brush my teeth. I'm now overdue for my cleaning because I just don't feel like being judged for having an allergy.
I know I’m going so off topic here, but I had a dental hygienist change my (health) life. You know how flossing sucks (and hurts) and then you go to the dentist and your gums bleed? She told me if I floss for three days in a row, it would no longer hurt and my gums wouldn’t bleed. This was years ago, and she was absolutely correct. No other dental hygienist or dentist had ever told me that!
Replace that inner voice that says 'I'm failing' with 'I'm having a hard time'. And people who are having a hard time deserve compassion. I've never teared up from watching a TedTalk. Thank you.
I did tear up at a lot of them. But I didn't think this one would. Until the last two minutes... "Cos in the meantime you deserve to eat"...all this little "cos" sentences... What is going wrong when you are taught to do the laundry on time...but not to have compassion for yourself? Why don't we love ourselfs? I know the answers if I am honest, no need to response. Sadly I know.
I got wet eyes, and that doesn't happen often. I also decided 6 minutes in that I was sharing her talk with my kids, and my sisters. And if I can, my therapist! 🤯👏👏❤️
That one really hit me hard. I was out of work for 3 months after separating from my husband, and all I could think was, "Life has taught me I can only count on myself, and I'm failing me."
I laughed and started to cry a bit when she said "to just not kill yourself today". And her mentioning of decision fatigue really hit me. For my last birthday all I asked for was a day when I didn't have to make a decision. I love looking at care tasks as neutral. I just wish the people around me thought the same.
Decision fatigue while traveling. Feeling guilty to want to take a vacation day to do nothing adventurous. This is a great thought provoking video. Thanks. ❤
I feel this ❤️ I try so hard to make my home functional for me but due to my physical health I heavy reliance on other people for help and they constantly like to remind me that I am indeed failing and my kids deserve better and might get taken away etc... Makes an already difficult situation 10x worse 😔
I immediately cried when she said that because I feel it everyday. It is comforting to know I'm not alone because I've been ashamed to ask for help with my house because my family is very judgemental.
Today, I finally looked up “how to clean a room when depressed” and a discussion on Reddit led me to this video. I’m finally taking care of months-overdue clothing declutter as I watch this video, and I’m tearing up because I feel so validated. Thank you, Ms. Davis, from the bottom of my heart.
Nobody cared for me as a child. Now I am a mother of four and have no idea who I am. Daily tasks are incredibly hard for me. I just wanted to thank you for being so open to talking about this.
Please give yourself a huge break. You grew up without proper care and you're doing a great job. The need a mentally healthy mom, a mom who loves them unconditionally, not a mom who keeps a perfect house. Keep up the amazing work.
Oh sweet woman give yourself so much GRACE and keep striving. I'm so sorry to hear you weren't cared for as a child. You didn't deserve that. I had a rocky childhood and I'm a mom of 4 kids too. It's no easy task, but harder when you come from a dysfunctional home. I've worked on learning and growing so I can overcome, but still have so many downs. Hang in there and keep listening to uplifting supporting videos. You are not alone. Sending you healing love and strength. Take care of you. 💖🙏
I’m in tears right now because I feel this in my soul. We were failed/neglect/abused as children and then expected to be perfect mothers with instagram-ready homes and talented, well-behaved children, fit, attractive bodies, and perfect mental health and coping skills. It’s so hard and I’m so SO tired….down to my bones…deep into my soul. I’m so tired.
LOVE! My Grandmother, who raised 10 beautifully loving and highly successful humans, would say "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing just barely." Morally neutral. Love, love, love.
Unfortunately My grandmother that raised me, said/believed/insisted that "If a job is worth doing, (there really was no "If" though, they all had to be done) it's worth doing Right''. To her that meant it had to be done her way, perfectly to her standards, the first time, or I had to do it over again. It's taken me a long time to kick her Voice out of my head. The first time I listened to KC Davis reading her Audiobook "How to Keep House While Drowning" I was amazed, I felt so validated and loved that I cried with relief. I am Worthy! Thank you KC
“It’s not about morality; it’s about functionality.” Putting into words what I’ve been trying to say to defend a loved one with depression, for several years. Thank you so much.
I'm glad your loved one has you. I'm trying to keep afloat alone, and I get the negative messaging from many places, I hope you know how important you are.
They are blessed to have you. Just having one person who understands or attempts t ok understand is more valuable than all the money on the world. Empathy is soo rare these days, even amoungst family
I was doing the washing up listening to another TED talk audio only, when this auto-played. I ended up just standing still and listening, and then the emotions hit, her voice cracked and suddenly I’m crying. I don’t suffer from depression but something here resonated. Thank you for a great talk.
"Anything worth doing, is worth doing even just a little bit if you can't do it all the way right now. " Going for a walk too much, but you made it to sit in a chair outside for some fresh air and sunshine. Eating healthy too much, but you drank an extra cup of two of water. Brushing your teeth seems like a lot, but can you swig some mouthwash for 20 seconds? That's something. Building momentum, sense of accomplishment, being realistic, do what you can. This was shared with me in a chronic illness group, hope it helps!
So happy to hear someone take depression by its horns and wrestle it down. Not having the energy or motivation to brush your teeth or shower or do laundry are the kind of things that are very real symptoms of this horrible and cruel mental condition. It's strange but depression is very immobilizing, almost paralyzing. We have to be brave and look at this monster right in the face. I'm so grateful that KC Davis knows how to talk about something embarrassing like this with such compassion and understanding.
I am right here with this. There are mental health symptoms no one talks about. It's difficult for folks to understand who don't have a reference. People are heavy on me. I'm working towards having more compassion and understanding with myself. There are so many out here just trying to make it day by day.
As a person who studied occupational therapy, care tasks are extremely important and yet my entire profession is put down all the time for focusing on those things. Being able to do the little things without it being a gigantic burden is massive and very important.
@Celeste Kniefel For me, that would depend on the issues and abilities of the person. If they have good mobility but tire easily or have pain when standing too long, I would suggest breaking up the dishes, for example and washing a few at a time. Say five, take a break sit/ lay down for an hour or so then repeat. For laundry kind of the same thing, don't wash more than they can easily lift at one time. Set a reminder for the end of the washing/drying cycle, so they don't forget and fold in spurts rather than all at once while sitting.
@@crystald3655 @celestekneifel5615 When I'm pregnant I have a hard time standing up for long periods of time, but I found I could pull a bar stool in front of the stove or sink and still perform the task as well as if I were at full health and standing. That may work or may not, depending on the type of fatigue being experienced. Laundry in spurts I absolutely stand by; something that may help is when you take your laundry out of the dryer, lay your easy-wrinkle pieces off to the side and then put them on top as flat as you can get them after you've piled everything else out. That's always the part of laundry I feel worst about, when I finally got something clean and now it's too wrinkled to wear, so if that's a struggle for you too then see if it helps you!
This!!! I am an OT and kept thinking that she was describing what occupational therapists do exactly, only care tasks are calls activities of daily living.
I had that misconception too that OT was just for physical needs until my daughter was referred to an OT for her adhd. I had no idea how well trained they were to handle non neurotypical brains! They help her break things down into smaller steps and strategize how to work through the things she struggles with. That’s ranged from how to handle managing her room and laundry to breaking down large projects and seeing them through from beginning to end
With tears in my eyes, I needed to say, thank you. So much self hatred here, over an overflowing laundry pile. My mom, my dog, and my dad were killed. It's hard to do anything. I don't feel alone anymore. Morally neutral tasks... thank you. 🌻
I had a fallout with my family early this year. I received a 4 page letter describing in detail how I've disappointed my mother. This is what I wish I had heard 5 months ago. Thank you.
Forget her. I’m your mom now, sweetheart, and I am so SO proud of you for surviving. Surviving can be really f**king difficult, but you did it. A mother doesn’t pick out every one of the things you’ve done WRONG and shame you, they meet you with kindness, love, and empathy. They offer help, not judgement. You are doing great just by still being here. ❤ I love you.
I'm so sorry (and heartbroken) for that. The snarky part of me wants you to write a letter back describing in detail how she's disappointed you. You don't have to send it, it's not going to help the situation, but it may be a sort of therapy of sorts for you. People are so broken, we just need to find our tribe of people who love us as we are.
This video changed my life. As someone with depression and ADHD, I’ve struggled with daily tasks for as long as I can remember. When I heard her say “care tasks are morally neutral” I started sobbing. I’ve never thought about it this way, & I hadn’t realized how much shame was affecting me in these areas. I’ve watched this video 5 times now and it’s just so incredible to hear this from someone who gets it. I look forwards to creating creative solutions to help me with my care tasks.
I have recurring depression and test in range for Aspergers, as well as having an eye injury. I saw something in myself in my younger years that suggested I might have trouble raising my own kids, so chose not to. I still struggle sometimes
I HIGHLY suggest looking at her Tiktok videos. Her cleaning and self-care videos have truly altered the way I clean/think about cleaning and take care of myself. I have anxiety and depression, as well as memory problems from chronic pain. She has made me realize that so many of my problems such as my trouble with consistent teeth-brushing are so much more common than I knew. I know it seems like a silly app, but those videos truly helped me so much
@@mackenziewesten8506They do help, and sometimes we need all the help we can get. Chronic pain can leave you stuck, I know. I fell behind with the house work, however I always make sure my beds are clean, that takes some effort with back pain and my bathrooms are clean. If the house is untidy, and I can’t get to it, so be it. Good luck to you take care, I hope you can get the pain under control. 😊
I love her philosophy so much, impossible tasks become possible when you stop saying “I should” and start saying “how can I make it easier for myself?”
@@cryptic2071 sometimes, you don't have to be the one to think of another way. It doesn't have to be all on you. It is enough for you to express curiosity. You can ask your internet search engine like "easy way to do laundry" or "how to plan meals and grocery shopping" or "fun ways to do chores" or just complain to it like "FLOOR CLEANING IS HARD" - it will show you some solutions other people suggest. Not all will work for you. Some might. Hang in there. You can make things easier for yourself - and if you can't - you will still be okay. Total strangers have your back to give you a jump start in figuring things out.
I didn’t know other people felt like this. I didn’t know so many other people can’t even look at their laundry piles without starting to panic. I can’t believe a talk about cleaning brought tears to my eyes. Thank you ❤
The other day my laundry pile officially reached my height (5'5") and realizing that was a big point of shame in that moment. I cried at multiple points in this talk-I felt so seen and relieved.
I measure it by how many laundry bags. I miss New York City where I could just drop it off and come back. All I had to do was give them money and I would get my clothes back clean, sorted and folded.
I was never told, once in my life, that not doing chores, or not keeping things the way it “should” be, is ok. I never realized how exhausting it was to keep up with things the way they “should” be. Thank you. I don’t know if my life will be changed at this moment, but I am sure to care and love myself more than I have yesterday.
But how should it be? There is no one standard, it can always be cleaner (some people at the right of arc have germ paranoia and use bacteria sensors around the house..!) and with kids it can always be tidier..it's got to be what works for you each day 🤷🏻♀️
I think your life probably did change. Mine did. Wow! Wow! I am not lazy, or behind. I am just doing my best. I cried when I watched this vide. I cried when I shared it. And, I am crying again a few hours later, because I have stacks and stacks of laundry, and now I think it is okay.
If I wrote down everything I did in an ordinary day, from taking my tea cup to the sink to putting rubbish in the outside bin it would number at least 50 activities. Adulting is exhausting but luckily I just do it automatically- I feel sorry for those whose autopilot is stuck.
This is so true, and hard to bring up on your own. Seeing my doctor tomorrow and it’s the only reason I took a shower since last week when I had to go in. Don’t leave the house otherwise so it’s not worth the energy.
@@nameissturdy1390 Hope your appointment went well. I used to shower the day or so before an appointment, and not be able to do anything for days after. Yet I was never asked how hard or was to get to the appointment.
Thank you so so much. I'm 14 and in this year was diagnosed with autism and adhd after suffering a severe burnout and depression. After months of not being able to go to school or see anyone, I managed to go to 1 history lesson last week. My room is still a tip, I still rely on dry shampoo to look presentable most days, and I still spend days just laying in bed, but being able to go into school for that one lessson made me feel so good. I spent over half of this video crying because it is just so unbelievably what I needed to hear.
Well done you! I struggled with attending school as a teenager too, in my case because of bullying and anxiety, so can I can relate 🙂. Just remember to take life one minute at a time and be compassionate with yourself 😊
Thank you!!! I almost didn't watch this. But a few minutes in, I burst into tears. I have had Fibromyalgia for 25+ years and have struggled emotionally in ways I didn't understand. I am now 80 years old. You have given me the guidance & permission I have needed my whole life! My daughter and granddaughter have Fibro, too. I see they have the same struggles, esp. my daughter. The faulty moral issue is a heavy burden that saps our already limited strength. I am so grateful that you presented this video. Many who comment critically clearly have no idea of how some of us struggle or why.
I have fibromyalgia too. Like you I'm feeling deep down inside of me like I'm failing every one arround me specially my self. They don't understand what is to be struggling inside, you just look for every one fine but a little tired, what a misconception! I'm exhausted, like she said "a doing, being fatigue" that never ends, just changes form from time to time...
I am sobbing and hugging my toddler right now, the youngest of three. I didn't think I needed to watch this. I very nearly skipped it. I'm so glad I didn't. Thank you. From the bottom of my very tired heart, thank you.
I actually had my therapist telling me when I told her that I couldn't make my bed in the morning and I felt like I was failing, and she told me, don't do it, you are going to use it at night again, if you can do it, don't do it, your bed is not going to judge you, and that freed me for a lot of other chores I thought that I had to do to be valuable.
Summary: 1. Care tasks are morally neutral. They are not a measure of your worth or lack thereof 2. If you are struggling with care tasks, you are not alone. Millions of people are currently struggling with care tasks. ‘Autopilot’ is broken for those people and the steps involved are overwhelming. 3. Making improvements with care tasks can help improve mental health, in fact it can be an excellent place to start. 3. Give yourself permission to do things in the way that is most functional for you and your household - there’s no need to hold yourself to some external standard of how things should be done. Functionality is key. If care tasks are too overwhelming, just do what you can do. Simplify things, focus on immediate needs and allow it to be ok to be less than perfect. Put caring for yourself first - you are worthy of having a functional environment.
Oh ya, it is hard not to eat til unhealthy.... eat and don't worry about what the norms are or what others think. Don't brush your teeth and just sit in a room??? There are answers to these mental illnesses and laziness, is not it? Accomplishment is a big part of mental health and it is different for us all!
@@hal8683 literally no where did she say it was ok to not brush your teeth and sit in a room forever. What she SAID was find a way to make these tasks something that you are able to complete, even if it is done in a way that most people would find "weird." If you struggle to get out of bed to brush your teeth, find a way to do it so it actually gets done. Maybe that means keeping a toothbrush and water at the bedside and brushing from bed. But once that first task is complete, it becomes easier to do the next task. And then the next. She's not saying throw your hands up and wallow, just that finding a way to get out of a dark place means giving yourself some grace to do the things you need to do in a way that you are able to complete them. She's saying, have compassion for people who are having a hard time, including yourself.
@@sionan7937 oh yes she said friends have trouble with it and have specail arrangements (off the wall) to make them brush their teeth! Look at the house pictures and how does that happen? Get help it is not sanitary or safe for children or others. You are rationalizing your problem !! If these things don't make sense to you get help! She said your norm of slobby behavior is ok for you if you don't mind it ! Live by your rules and screw the norms! Why are you rationalizing?? Very much says do your thing and find ways to be a slob is the bottom line. U ??
@@hal8683 I say all of this genuinely and trying to come to you from a place of understanding and genuinely hoping you can see my point. Honest question: if someone told you that they have chronic pain and so doing the laundry is hard for them so sometimes it piles up, would you then call them a bad person? I would think not because I don't think you're actually a mean person, I think you're just a person who got comfortable being mean on the Internet. If someone is struggling physically, we would give them grace and understanding. The same should be true for mental struggles. Not doing your laundry doesn't make you a bad person, but you DO need clean laundry to function. So what she's saying is, instead of beating yourself up (and making yourself feel worse), acknowledge that it's just a task that you need to do and find a way to do it, without beating yourself up about it. And if you truly can't see that, and truly have no compassion for people who are just trying to function, then ok. Nothing I say will convince you. I just wish people thought about how they would want to be treated if they were the ones struggling. When did we as a society get so hateful to one another? Depressing. Have a good day though, either way, whether you agreed with me or not.
I follow her on TikTok and she has revolutionized the way I see my home. I have the opposite problem, where OCD causes me to have a home that is punishingly clean. Realizing care tasks are morally neutral has freed me to allow functional mess into my home and has lessened the burden on my brain. She is changing lives.
At the point you said “living out of a pile of laundry on the floor doesn’t make you a failure”, I realised I needed a scarf to wear today and was picking up the one at my feet. Thank you for making me laugh while giving me the tools for greater self compassion.
Love this. I'm a therapist and have talked about the paper plates idea, sitting in the shower and dry shampoo instead of full showers with clients. I personally keep floss picks in my car so I can floss while I commute for over a year now. I went from flossing twice a year to flossing 6+ times per week when I did that one change. These little adaptations make such a difference. I might try the disposable toothbrushes next.
It can be hard to push myself to brush my teeth at night, because of depression, fatigue, hotflashes, etc, but I can't imagine resorting to disposable toothbrushes. I'd never heard of such a thing. I use an electric, which makes brushing so much easier. It's pretty easy to put toothpaste on a toothbrush. I'm not trying to judge anyone who this may work for. Getting your teeth brushed is super important, and however you can find it easier to do it is great. I just can't see that making it easier. It's the pushing myself to do it before I start falling asleep. Because once I do, then i wake w/ hotflashes and it's really hard to want to do it when I'm flushing, plus it wakes me up, so harder to fall back asleep.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 I heard of someone keeping a toothbrush and toothpaste by their bed and having a spit cup so they can still brush their teeth if they're tired. Could work with an electric toothbrush too if you plug it in by your bed and bring it into the bathroom in the morning
2020 was supposed to be our year... Until my fiance became suddenly sick, was ignored for months and told he was "crazy" (and given psych meds to stop this "craziness") and then was diagnosed with stage IV cancer only to pass mere months later. I needed this video then. Thank you so much for coming out and saying what so many need to hear, but often isn't said because everyone is so busy living their dramatized 'perfect' social media lives. I know this message will help so many that are in my shoes, your message still hits hard today and I'm almost 2y out from losing the love of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you 💙 I am only now getting ready to return to work but the amount of times I've heard "why can't you just go back to work?" Or my favourite, because everyone knows me and lives my life "you NEED to go back to work, look what this is doing to you, you have no routine, you have no purpose, etc." I can't wait to look your tiktok account up for even more inspiration!
So sorry for your loss 😞 I lost my mother right before COVID. It takes an incredible amount of bravery and courage to take just one step. And then the next. It's so helpful to find resources like this that help even those one steps not be as difficult ❤
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. And, terribly sorry and appalled by the struggle your fiancé went through to get diagnosed. Also, so very sorry for the unsympathetic responses to your unique and valid grieving journey. Blessings and light to you!
I have the most organized mother the world has known. I never grew up with anything out of place. But I have depressed and ADHD. And I picture in my mind what her house looks like and why I don’t keep my space so nice. I apologized one day for having a messy house. She shrugged and said “this is how you function, and it’s ok.” And I realized that I was the one guilting myself not other people. But I still think, how disheveled am I willing to let my mom see my house? And now I have no clean towels left so I’m going to do laundry.
@@communicationbreakdown256 I really hope she didn't mean she'd only used it once!! Cos that would be ridiculous and pretty bad for the planet. I legitimately wash towels maybe once a month?! And that seems perfectly ok to me 🤷🏻♀️
my mother cried when she came to my house (she also was born organized and naturally tidy). I wish she could have seen and verbalized that she loves that my priorities are different than hers, and that I have put other areas in my life first. I love that your mother is okay with you as you are. You're okay. ♥
By 7 minutes in I was sobbing uncontrollably. I just lost my husband a month ago....and just existing each day is a struggle for me. We were married just under 3 years, and he collapsed unexpectedly of a heart attack......he had just turned 40. My life has been spinning since he died.....and this video hit me SO hard! I NEEDED this so much! While others have given me grace in my grief.....I have been struggling with feeling like a failure since I can't seem to do even the simplest things like crawl out of bed. I grew up in an abusive home with a mother who placed all her value in appearance....so judging myself and feeling like I'm lacking and a failure if my home isn't perfect comes naturally to me. "A woman's home is a reflection of her mind and heart--if it's messy, it indicates there are internal heart issues she needs to work on and seek the Lord to root out and fix" was something I heard regularly. Now pair that BS with the trauma of losing my husband and my subsequent struggle to even wake up each morning--let alone take a shower, eat food, do laundry, brush my teeth, clean the house....and I feel worse than dirt. This woman's message is so liberating. I feel SO understood in my current struggles. I'm "ok" if I don't wash dishes......I'm "ok" if I have to order in food again because I dont even have the energy to go to the grocery store for frozen dinners--let alone cook for myself.....
Dear (((((Anne))))) I’m so sorry to hear about the heartbreaking loss of your husband. Please accept my sincere condolences. Not sure how I ended up on this video, but it was Heaven sent. I’ve never heard of KC Davis before, but am grateful to have heard this talk. My precious husband died on October 7th and I too am struggling. I came from a dysfunctional home. I hear everything your saying. I understand and you are NOT alone. Please know that you are in my thoughts and my prayers. ❤ Denise
omg my mom is like yours. LOOKS were everything. toxic. oh ya, and mom says i need god. she is so out of touch with herself, it’s sickening. i hope you are getting help. you seem to be treating yourself like your mom did/does. you are in a vulnerable state because f your husbands death. i’m so, so sorry. so my thinking is your trauma is surfacing itself. mom used to YELL at me to get out of bed because of my depression. it’s like, how much worse could i feel? i hear you and sending hugs.
So encouraging thank you as my home is a mess, recovering after cancer, struggling to work and telling myself I am useless and lazy. I will chage my attitude now and do what I can to make it easier on myself
you are enough, you deserve to rest, and the fact that daily tasks are not so easy as they used to be is natural, you have a right to feel like not doing all these stuff-they are not your priority. give yourself as many time as you need. it's not making any chance if you do it now or later. the only thing that matters is the fact that your here, alive, being strong and willing to fight it. tho I don't know you and I'm milion miles away-I'm proud of you, I wish you the best and I hope everything goes back to normal again. sending you lots of love from Poland ❤
Oh my gosh! You are NOT lazy and please never, ever, ever use the word worthless again about yourself or anyone else. A long time ago I promised myself to do my best every day. Some days our best is just breathing. Sometimes it’s doing groceries AND putting them away! Please, just take your time and do one thing- make your bedroom clean and nice so you always have somewhere to go to rest. You just had cancer and you’re alive! I’d say you are insanely not lazy or worthless. You are healing your body and healing from the trauma of it all. Be kind to yourself because you are amazing. ♥️
After the first 20 seconds of your talk, I got the ebook. I didn't even finish the talk. I'm autistic and adhd. And so f'ing depressed. I'm reading and I'm covered in my tears. I came back just to tell you. Thank you.
The babywipes part got me ... because I just used them for the same reason,apply powder after,you'll feel better. Then I sat on my bed with my toothbrush,brushed my teeth while watching this Ted talk,got up to rinse my mouth,the little floss sticks are already ready to go.😬 a spray bottle with water some leave in conditioner and a brush at the bedside will help to keep hair in order.
I am neurodivergent with chronic pain, a full time job, and I live alone. So while I only have to take care of me, I also have to take care of everything by myself. Your stance on care tasks as morally neutral and focusing on functional instead of perfect has done SO MUCH for me. I can DO things now! I can keep my space functional! I can give myself space when I can't do the bare minimum. I can feed myself when I have no energy. And I can bounce back from rock bottom faster because I no longer add shame to the pile when I'm already dealing with too much. Thank you so much KC.
I'm in a similar situation in my life. I had the realization the other day that part of why it's so hard to run my little household is because it all falls on me to do. Yes, I made all the mess, but having someone to share the mental and physical burden would make things so much easier. They would also be the, I don't know, incentive? inspiration? to keep up with housework. It's all just so overwhelming.
I'm in a similar situation. It's been dawning on me, in addition to everything KC is saying, that humans are also not meant to care for themselves completely on their own-all throughout human history, until very recently, care tasks have been performed interdependently and have served as a crucial space for cultivating feelings of safety and connection with others. Take that interdependence away, sprinkle on some mental illness and stigma, and of course these tasks will feel impossible!
I’ve been crying all day because I just can’t get my house together and have been thinking I’m failing all day long. Now I’m crying for a different reason. Thank you for this. ❤
I couldn’t recommend her book enough. As someone who has ‘moderate’ depression, I can struggle with dishes and laundry, and beat myself up over being unable to complete tasks when I can seem to function decently well outside the home. I feel like I SHOULD be able to do them, and I must just be lazy when I can’t. This book is so kind, and it made such a big difference for me. Even now for things like laundry - I could always do laundry, but could never seem to muster the energy to fold it and put it away. After reading this book, I went out and bought another cheap laundry basket from the dollar store for clean clothes. Now, if I have the energy to fold my laundry, great. If I don’t, it stays contained and has a ‘place’ - in the corner of my room in my clean laundry basket.
I had a really bad depression a couple years ago and I was having trouble staying motivated to keep up with dishes. They would pile up and in that state of mind it was overwhelming. So a good friend told me to get some paper plates and plastic utensil and use them through the tough time. I was soooooo ethically conflicted about it because I know they are bad for the environment, but it almost became a motivator to get back to a place where I didn’t need them. Sure enough, after a couple weeks of not using dishes, I felt better and was able to tackle all the dishes and get back to my normal cooking / cleaning routine. Its so true that giving yourself some temporary flexibility makes ALL the difference.
Started watching KC on TikTok a year ago, and she literally changed my life. I can still be a good mom, even with a debilitating pain condition and ADHD.
I'm an occupational therapist and this is what I do! Occupational therapy focuses on these types of functional tasks- we have training in psychology, neurology and physiology so that way we can help people no matter their mental and physical health be more independent and functional. Most mental health providers do not know about OT so they don't refer!
I'm studying OT now and wondering why no one ever referred me to an OT for my mental health struggles! 🤯 sometimes practical solutions are more helpful than talk therapy
Thank you for your post. I had no idea and this is exactly the type of help I need after two brain injuries and having ADHD and being on the spectrum to begin with. 🙌
I used to be an OT. It saddens me greatly that it's not an OT out writing books and doing ted talks on this. It also frustrates the life out of me that patients/client surveys almost always rate the treatment they've had from an OT as the most helpful in their daily life, yet going by the comments section of this video, very few know about it. It shocks me the amount of therapists commenting on here who have no knowledge of Occupational Therapy services or how/who to refer. I believe OT's must become better at marketing their services and getting their well of knowledge more widely known and utilised.
I am in tears from this. I’m 50. I’ve had mental health problems all my life with no help. And I’m so overwhelmed some days that if I get dress and put on shoes I feel like I’ve accomplished something. Even on a bad day. Or even my extreme days. This makes me feel so much better you have no idea. I just needed you to know thank you..
This is an amazing video. I especially liked the functionality of the Dental Hygiene routine. I am a Dental Hygienist and it breaks my heart how embarrassed patient are to disclose their habits. I always gently made one goal for patients to try and assured them that there was zero judgment only love from us.
this is exactly the reason why i've been putting off going to the dentist for years now. i'm so embarrassed by how many cavities i've gotten because even just taking a few minutes of my time to brush and floss due to depression seems like such a chore and a struggle
@@lavenderandgold8588 I did that for over 5 years. The damage to my teeth and gums was serious and I lost several molars. Lots of pain w/ infections and broken teeth too. I got myself a water flosser, because realistically I knew I wasn't ever going to be a flosser. That helped so much w/ gums to firm them up. I finally had a better report and had improved some deep gum pockets. I go regularly now and try not to slip. I always brush at least once a day, but would fall asleep w/out brushing at night, which does a lot of damage. I rarely do that now. It's not because I'm not depressed, but I know how much worse everything is if I don't really make this a priority.
I was raised in a hoarding home and I always struggled with hygiene growing up. I had anxiety and depression and I was in and out of therapy for saying I didn't want to be here anymore. Then, right after I graduated college, I learned that I probably have ADHD. This talk sheds new light on why I've struggled with and continue to struggle with certain tasks. These days, it comes in the form of constantly missing personal deadlines for my hobbies, but I have learned to adjust. It takes me a lot longer than some to finish my big projects, and I am okay with that. As long as I eventually get back to it, I know that one day I will finish it. I'm in no rush, not trying to impress anyone, just trying to live and be okay. I'm proud of the little accomplishments and I'm taking it one step at a time.
As someone else who grew up in a hoarder home, anxiety and depression, struggles to keep on top of care tasks, and has been diagnosed with ADHD, solidarity. I hope you’re doing ok ❤
hoarding is a form of mental illness, so i’m sure you e struggled with a lot more than hygiene like emotional issues. perhaps the adhd is feeling distracted from trauma? i’m proud of you too.
As one of the now 1,000s of people who's lives have literally been saved by KC and by accepting what she's saying here, this is such an important message. Watch this, share it, because if it doesn't resonate for you, it will for someone you know, and it will absolutely change their lives
I have ocd and frequent depression, this was very encouraging. I always tell my self “go do the next right thing” Wash one dish, put the soap on and scrub it. Rinse it. Good job! Self compassion is so helpful, I wouldn’t treat other people as hard as I treat myself sometimes. I made my bed. I studied for my class for a few minutes. One step at a time.
Thank you so much for your statement (and I paraphrase), "...it takes all your strenght NOT to kill yourself today!" Only people who have had true depression can understand that statement. Bless you!
the bit about expending energy to not kill yourself is real. every single lull in the day, gap in conversation, moment alone- is filled quickly with the desire to escape it all. you don't get mad at people or circumstance; you just want to finish the rest of your life quickly, quietly, and without hurting anyone. it's a constant struggle that's akin to drowning.
Have you read or listened to her read her audiobook, "How to Keep House While Drowning" ? it's like this but so much more. I tell people she could have called it "how to do anything when you are struggling". Hearing her the first time was lifechanging. I sometimes put her audiobook on timer and go to sleep listening to her compassionately talking to me. Give yourself some compassion, and just hang on until it gets a bit better. You are Worthy of care.
I burst into tears after a few minutes watching this. For years I struggled as a Stay at home mom being judged for how I kept my home. Fighting depression in a loveless marriage with 3 kids. Then became a single mom of 3 kids and fought off cancer while trying to keep my home. Would go weeks without a shower even. Was a good 6 plus years of this struggle. I'm now healthy and happy and keep up with my chores easily but for years I was drowning. Thank you for bringing light to this!!! 😪💜
I’m a mother of 3 with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and narcolepsy. The presentation of my home, myself, and my family is how I measure my worth. We’re always a mess anyway, so I don’t often feel very good. Thank you for this.
@@carriewells4377 Thank you, Carrie! I’m very lucky to have an awesome support system. Some days they’re the only things keeping me upright and moving. Love and support to you as well ❤️
I grew up with my mom in a similar position as yours. My mom has had narcolepsy, depression, and anxiety long before I was born. It made it so that my brother and I were often the ones waking her up in the morning to take us to the bus stop, and our household was a story of just keeping the walkways clear. She was always so ashamed of 'the house she kept' that she was terrified of me having friends over lest they decide they don't want to be friends with someone with piles of boxes and junk up to our eyeballs. Having friends over meant multiple days of cleaning and my mom being anxious that I would lose that friend (she had a friend a long time ago that she invited over that ghosted her after coming to our house) then my mom disappearing in her room to rest when the day finally came. And she was always so tired, she felt sick and angry and ashamed of herself for being such a dysfunctional mother. And the thing I wish most for her right now is that she receive counseling and social support from people beyond my dad's confidant, and maybe it starts with this video... But she was also always a warrior who never stopped fighting to make sure my brother and I were safe and happy, and I am incredibly grateful that God gave me a mom who cares so much about me as I am sure you care about your kids. I am telling you all of this because I have been where your kids are now, and I want you to know that even if you look around and see your failures, we see your successes and how much you have gone through and fought for in our lives. We see your pain and successes and we want to see you thrive as much as you want to see us thrive. Please be patient with and kind to yourself on this journey :)
@@joeysherard4471 This was lovely, thank you for sharing ❤️ I’m very lucky to have the support system I have, so I struggle far less than some others in my position. Some days are still very difficult though. Being there for my kids is far more important than my house being spotless though, so I take solace in that 😊
I don’t even need all the tips. It’s the compassion that’s so healing that I am starting to feeling more able to grapple with my tasks again. Thank you so much for this beautiful piece of humanity.
Thank you! I’m not the only person who is struggling with this! Listening to this and reading the comments is like finding my people. I live with my mother and her auto pilot for care taking chores is always on overdrive. She doesn’t understand why I struggle so much with it, and neither do I. I feel so bad because I’m always comparing myself to her and coming up short. To find that I’m not broken beyond repair, I’m not the only one struggling, and I’m not morally deficient is such an amazing relief!
I've watched this three times already. I didn't realize how badly I needed to hear that care tasks are morally neutral and that I deserve a *functional* living space. I often have days where I struggle with pain or depression so I can't get out of bed. I have a basket of sewing things right by my bed so I can still do something I love while feeling so badly about everything else. Thank you for this!
Thank you!!! I listened to this video while caulking and weatherproofing the windows in the house I'm renting. The cold has moved in a few weeks earlier that usual. I'm doing this on a day I should be in the shop catching up on clients' projects. I intended to do this yesterday, another day stolen from paid work, but was on day 4 without my main ADHD meds. I'm renting this house because at 52 I commited to working for myself. This was five years after getting diagnosed and working toward living my life in a way that is more friendly to my condition. I'm renting this house because earlier this year I realized just how broken my 19 year marriage was when my soon to be ex-wife said she doesn't trust me. When pressed, she said she doesn't trust my follow through. She said this in the house I negotiated the purchase of, to a person who is the only college graduate in two generations of my family. This video makes me realize that this is what she meant. My inablility to keep my personal spaces organized at all, my vacations from hygiene because there were too many other things to do or too many depressive thoughts in my head meant that I'm not to be trusted to work effectively enough to provide a safe environment. Thank you for helping me put that in a box and put that box in the closet of useless shame. I'm going to get back to making my home more comfortable and less expensive to live in through the winter.
Thank you. The title caught me, because I am struggling with cleaning, laundry being one of the biggest things I need to take care of. It's comforting knowing I'm not alone in this at the same time it's heart breaking knowing there are people going through the same things I am.
Another helps thing is to throw out half your clothes, and put on one small load at the same time each day. As a regular routine. Before you do X or Y that day... stick the washing in. Routines help us to not procrastinate or forget.
For anything it may be worth... I simplified my laundry a lot, and it took years of pain and burden off my shoulders! It's not about being minimalist. It's about choosing clothes that require the least fussiness. I wear knit tops now instead of buttoned shirts, because I don't want to iron. Same for jeans or leggings instead of slacks. Unless I get a stain somewhere, I wear shirts at least three days in a row and pants all week, and I look and smell fine. I just realized one day that nobody cares about what I wear. I couldn't think of anything anyone else had ever worn in front of me at work or church or school or anything. I didn't care about their clothes, unless something was visibly wrong with them. So nobody cared about my clothes either. I could wear anything that wasn't "bad". It didn't have to be a new, fussy outfit every day. I wash a load of shirts about twice a month now. Jeans maybe once a month. Towels weekly. Sheets, etc. as often as I change them. That's all the loads of laundry I ever have to do. I never iron anything. I never fold clothes, but just hang everything up. I do fold towels and sheets (always straight out of the dryer, never take them to a second location!). But each of us uses only two towels per week, so it's really very little folding. My system may not work for everyone, but if laundry overwhelms you these may be some ways to reduce the burden of it until other areas of your life lighten up enough that you can focus on it again. BTW, same goes for switching to paper plates instead of washing so many dishes!
Hands down my most favourite Ted Talk ever! So incredible and so liberating hearing her speak...Equally the comments section made me cry with relief and happiness. Only recently have I realised the struggles that I have had with organisation my whole life may be down to undiagnosed ADHD. The relief at knowing I'm not lazy, but just have a different brain has been totally liberating. I grew up with the most organised parents that you could imagine and they have always put me down because I struggled with basic tasks. But with the help of therapy, when they put me down recently I said... "mum you have sublime organisation skills which is incredible and I admire that. I, on the other hand, may struggle doing basic things like food shopping and following a recipe however I was able to go to Africa by myself, learn a language fluently and have travelled the globe. Getting on a plane to another country solo is easier for me than doing a supermarket shop. Gez it felt good to stick up for myself after years and years of being mocked and put down. I am now celebrating my neuro diversity. I may struggle with simple house hold chores but I can travel abroad independently and make human connections with strangers. I sure think the latter is much more life affirming. Thank you to this wonderful lady for highlighting the plight of ADHD. This video made me feel a lot better and thanks also for everyone's comments. So nice to read your stories. With love from the UK xx
I could not have found this at a better time in my life. I’ve always been the super woman of housecleaning being a mom and wife… But since my little brothers suicide a year and a half ago and decades of trauma abuse and u name it for the first time in my life i have found myself unable to do anything. My house is an absolute nightmare disaster…. I dont get myself dressed for days at a time and more that i will for now keep to myself. My brother was my best friend and i miss him and his death felt like more than ive been able to handle. I just feel completely burned out actually worse but not sure how to even put it into words. Physically i feel awful. I feel like im the worst mom wife person and everyday it gets worse. Im just hoping that something snaps me back! Thank you KC for doing this and all the other work you have done to help someone like me. I plan on reading everything you have written and all your videos!
OMG!!! This has been my life for the past 3 years! Laundry, showering, cleaning, even brushing my teeth sometimes. And I spend so much time ruminating and trying to figure out how to get it done without anyone knowing what a horrible person I am, because I can’t manage do get even the simplest of tasks, that I’m too exhausted to try.
I feel for you Karen, I’m the same and it’s a pity we feel judged by anyone and then ourselves, I find it can feel like a heavy weight most days and even my partner once said “you never DO anything” (it was actually on last Xmas day). I felt crushed and ashamed as I feel I try so hard to keep up, except on really bad days. I wish you well, feels better knowing we’re not alone I guess x
Sitting in my bedroom, newly diagnosed with adhd and autism after struggling with depression and anxiety for years. My room has literal insects, spoiled food and awful smells that have begun to give me a migraine. I haven't been able to clean in weeks, I was so proud when I showered a few days ago.. thank you. Seeing this stuff as neutral would really help my brain. I'll do my very best. I really appreciate this content.
Awesome accomplishment on taking the shower! You are on your way to a much better life. I have learned to wait for my autistic friends to finish thinking about a topic before I make a shift the conversation. It relieves their confusion and definitely cuts down on the number of questions I get asked. I live in a sunglasses, earplugs, daily walks and quiet time after being out in public type of life.
That is exactly what occupational therapy is there for- finding out with you how you can adapt your daily tasks to make them manageable and do the things that are meaningful for you
As an OT I'm really glad this talk resonates with so many. I really wish more people knew that OT is the therapy discipline that WILL ask you how you're doing your laundry! ...and all the other care tasks (that are deemed too ordinary and everyday for medicine and science). 🙄🥰
@@LisaMarieAdams nobody said that. OT helps people (individuals and groups) improve their performance of activities to a level of their own satisfaction. The barrier(s) to this could be from any plane (eg, the person: eg physical mobility as you mentioned, cognitive processes, or the environment (physical and social), or the activity itself).
I struggle with all these tasks whether I’m depressed or not. It never even occurred to me to think of a chore as a morally neutral task until this moment. Thank you.
I've followed you on tiktok for... a very long time. And yet, the way you summarised and explained everything here, I was in tears just as much as when I first found you. You've changed my life so much for the better, including being a huge part of me seeking my ADHD diagnosis. I owe you so much, thank you.
So, you, did it, without help ! Like most of us.. We don't get an award at the end for cleanest house, best baking.. no one cares.. happy kids. Period! Were ALL swimming upstream..TY for this♡♡
As a young widow (my husband died unexpectedly 2 years ago) I can speak to the exhaustion. Cooking dinner is still a challenge; even more so after all the home cooking I did during the pandemic. Other things have been a challenge to do as well. I started to embrace the idea, that I just project zigzag (start a project, get stuck or there is a natural break, and then come back to the project sometimes weeks later). As soon as I embraced this, I started to get more done! I am a trauma therapist/Neurofeedback practitioner and will be sharing this! Thank you!!!
her content entirely changed my perspective on my depression and cleanliness- I’ve been told my whole life I’m lazy and messy- when it’s the opposite. I am so grateful for her and what she’s doing
“Replace that inner voice that says I’m failing with, I’m having a hard time right now.” I just broke down. I didn’t realise how much I needed that reminder.
This hit me so hard. My mom did die. I did get fired. I’ve had a broken ankle for over two years. So far Dr hasn’t been able to fix it. Soon I’m having a major surgery to fix my ankle. This has made my already fragile mental health shatter. Thank you for this video. You are saving lives.
I'm literally crying right now, as a kid who grew up in a house of tweakers I had to prematurely grow up, parenting my parents till i refused to enable them. And have always beat myself up when I feel down and can't even bathe or do laundry...I still make things work, but thank you.... I'm crying right now having a hard time believing this mental state is actually understood.. I don't feel weak now..maybe just, altered.
you have to give yourself the love that you never received from them, hence your inner child. i used to hate that saying but it’s true. i try to hold myself as a baby how i would want to be held and loved
Omg this woman is the reason I started therapy and found a therapist I actually like. I'm super grateful for her and I'm glad she got to do a TED talk!!
10:02 made me stop what I was doing, and realize my useless shoe organizer (of vertical boxes) could be laid horizontally on the ground, and hold clean, unfolded clothes. Mind blowing. I might actually be able to move the hamper of clean clothes out of the hallway and into the closet for the first time in weeks.
I broke down into tears. I've spent 30 years beating myself up and being embarrassed. My mother had Major Depression and other things. Thank you for being the voice I always wanted to hear.
Her book gave me so much peace. Living with Depression ADHD and PTSD is a lot. My energy goes into my toddler so there isn’t much left. Her book really helped me figure out what works well for me
The social media world presents us with airbrushed images and videos that depict unrealistic unattainable goals their promoters push to appear superior to their viewers. When you catch yourself punishing yourself for not meeting others ideals ask whether they could accomplish them in your shoes. The answer is: No.
I always did my laundry the way my mom taught us growing up. Then it occurred to me, “Why am I folding tshirts? I HATE folding tshirts!” And now they go onto hangers. 😂 Undies, socks, and bras don’t need folding. So they don’t get folded. Thrown into separate drawers, yes, but not folded. Thank you for helping me affirm my way of doing things to keep our house tidy without worrying that it’s not the way my mom would’ve done it! ❤
Yes, not folded and into the drawers. I still expect the laundry police though, the "proper" way to do things is so deeply imbedded in my psyche. I probably won't ever get rid of that, but at least I'm not folding things that don't need to be folded anymore.
I had this saved to my “to watch list” and was organizing my playlists. As an autistic parent with a 9 month old baby, and living with mental illness this means so much to me.
I found this while trying to be motivated to clean. Not only did I cry and then feel better and understood, but I got the job done while listening and I felt less alone. So thank you
I am living at home with my mum, with frequent depression episodes. I haven't cleaned my room in a year - I've beat myself up for this, but this video has made me realise that it's not as hard as it seems. Thank you
It IS actually hard, so please be kind with yourself. It is hard and you are allowed to take all the steps that ease the burden in you! You're allowed to let go of everything, that makes it harder to cover what is truly your base, and not "what people expect to be necessary and appropriate for you at all times". I learned, that it helps to reflect on where expectations come from and if they're even mine, or if the voices of other people are talking me down with learned expectations that I never actually actively made a decision over or built my own opinion on!
the compassionate and realistic ideas in this Talk made me cry. neurotypical people, and people without mental illness, have no idea how hard doing these things can actually be. it can feel much like drowning. a thousand thanks for helping so many people change their narrative and feel empowered! ☀
KC was one of the first creators I discovered on TikTok and she radically changed the way I view my world and myself. "What do I need to get through tomorrow?" is the best tool I have on days when everything is too much, and since I've started employing it, I have more good days than I've had in years.
Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m 23, living on my own, and I work from home full time. It feels like I’m failing when I don’t clean especially since I’m at home and have it easier than others who need to be out of their home 8-10 hours and then come home and feel exhausted from a commute. I have always wanted to be super organized and clean and perfect, and it’s hard to allow yourself to be a human sometimes. Thank you.
Start with throwing all the rubbish in the bin then take that to the outside bin, put the bin out for collection. That’s enough for today. Tomorrow just wash the dishes or put in the dishwasher. Next day wash one load and dry one load. Following day do a grocery shop. One chore a day helps - you’ll be surprised.
Sobbing. I’ve followed KC on TikTok for more than a year and her voice in my head has helped me let up on myself enough to be able to do *just one more thing* than I’ve been able to do before, over & over again. More therapists should listen to and learn from her. Thank you KC.
She is one of the first Tiktokers I followed last year, and her advice and compassion have helped me shift my negative mindset into a more accepting and loving perspective. She is a phenomenal example of how vulnerability and authenticity can truly change the world. Kudos to an excellent TedTalk! I hope it goes viral, because everyone needs to hear this message!
I've been listening to this over and over in the last few days. I always start to cry around 11:00, and not stop until the end. And I think this legitimately will make me live a lot longer. Now, when I'm late, and look at a crossing, I will hear, in her voice, "you deserve safety." And i don't risk running through the crossing. I wait until the light is green. And it works when i debate if i should eat and it just worked when i was at the pharmacy. I have medicine now. It will last till the new year and a bit longer.
My mother had major depression during my tween/teen years. She would be in bed all day and didn't care for the house. The whole family constantly bullied her about being lazy and not being a good mom/wife. This is why mental health education is SO important for all ages and generations.
So true! I've often wondered what it would have been like for me and my family had mental illness been treated like an actual illness, as opposed to a set of character defects.
My mom also struggled like this. Same story, it wasn't until I got older and started struggling with depression myself that my eyes were opened to her situation. Even now, I've called her to tell her she did a wonderful job as a mom and she said "I feel like I wasn't good enough."
My mom also did not care about the house and it has affected me negatively. I think kids deserve clean and organized house. Warm meal. I think this is not a good mom...sorry but healvy depressed person affects kids in a very negative way.....talking from experience sadly..
@@Mariamee123 don't you see the link between depressed mother and your own depression ? I am a child of mentally unfit mother and (sorry) but she should have chosen not to have kids. I am sorry to burst the bubble but you mom has to be blamed partially. Read studies of the effect on kids if mother is depressed.
@@55linka your so correct I’m a mom and have dealt with situational depression, ( very different then chronic depression) Good Mental health is key in raising healthy kids. Not everyone is going to be a good parent nor do we have a right to have kids. It’s a bless and a choice to decide your capability to raise a child for 18 yr if you’ve been diagnosed with depression or suffer from mental illness the answers is no don’t have kids. Postpartum depression or situational depression are very different than being chronically depressed it’s a depression that is based off of a hormonal change or a situation that anyone will be depressed and they can be treated chronic depression is chronic it never goes away and mental health issues affect kids we live in such a greedy society we think we have a right to whatever we want and we’re just breeding unhealthy kids that grow into dysfunctional adults. People with chronic depression postpartum or any other mental health issue who are unable to take care of them self or their homes deserve to have help and as a taxpayer I don’t mind some of my tax dollars going to help these people. I do however resent paying for people to sit at home and just have baby after baby. Let’s stop treating procreation like we need it there’s far too many people on this planet with nothing to do and no education let’s take care of the people we have before we start making more.
Dealing with a deep, very painful depression. I gave myself one rule: make your bed (In order to do that, you have to get out of it). Then another rule: wear your clothes (get dressed, in clean clothes - that have to be cleaned). Then: every day, do one thing. Just one. At the end of the month, you've done 30 things. As time went on, it expanded, but the principle is the same. I slowly but surely became a functional person again.
I love this lady, her insight is so compassionate and effective.
I'm going to try this, thank you 💖
Thank you for this.
This is a really good way to think of it. There are days that if I do just one thing, I still say its okay, you did something today.
Yes, I found the "one thing a day" rule to be an extremely helpful approach too! That way the root problem of the 'unattainable (and wrongly moralized) standards' that KC Davis addresses so lucidly is most effectively circumvented - you set the bar to the very lowest level so that suddenly you cannot miss anymore and you WILL feel good about the one thing you did, and often you will even find motivation to do one more, or even several more things, but even if you don't the death spiral of "I have failed another whole day" is cut short...
@@yvjohns Exactly. You crawl back from the abyss one step at a time, until you accumulate so many successes that that is your new pattern. I never look at the mountain, that would be demoralizing. I look at what I have to do this day, this week. At the end of the month, you have accomplished so much. The end of the year will astonish you!
"But for millions of people the autopilot is broken..." I'm sitting here next to my 7-month-old baby crying as I hear these words, because I have never in my life had an autopilot for any of these household tasks. And now as a mom of two who almost certainly has ADHD, decision fatigue cripples me every. single. day.
I'm already saying thank you for this video, and I haven't even gotten to the end yet. It is such a relief to know that I am not alone.
My wife and I thought we were both just Libras and laughed when we both took 2 hours to do the shopping. It feels much more serious with kids.
I wish Alexa was smart enough to help. That forgetting the laundry and having to redo it really hit the mark.
@@edwardmitchell6581 I mean, I don't have ADHD and I forget the laundry all.the.time - the beeper could do with being louder! Also take far too long to do a shop in person (too much yummy stuff on the shelves!) there's a reason why we normally do an online shop..but then I did always get told in school I could focus better, so maybe there's some tendencies in that direction 🤷🏻♀️ I think they'll get steadily better at helping our environments help ourselves hopefully!
I hope you're doing a bit better today than 2 months ago.❤️
@@sarahjohnstone9041 As long people respond to ads and flashy branding, I think distractions will be the norm.
If we are comfortable and undistracted, companies won't be able to get extra money from us.
Sometimes I dream that AI will only show us what we need rather than showing us what we want. Although that might be worse.
You’re not alone!!! Ordering groceries on line is also helpful for me. The store is too distracting and online allows me time to process what I’m doing and make changes before I spend or get distracted again. I can do the laundry but rarely get it hung up so try not to buy high maintenance clothes. And I ordered a bunch more undies so I can go longer lol. I am thinking about a rumba vacuum because I don’t get that done “enough” either. Don’t sweat it you are in the same boat as a lot of us peeps. Xoxox
This Tedx is one of my favorites now. Thank you to the author! I’m going to share it with the people who don’t “get it”. ❤
I never realised that depression could lead to not cleaning one’s teeth, or taking a shower, but that’s where I am right now. This is a very heartening video.
I call depression "the monster that sits on my lap". It holds me down and keeps me from moving, doing the things I know I need to do.
It sure can and I've been there for a year and a half. I was doing alright, finding that push. Then it got worse again, then a close friend died and it got worse again. I see people that can't change sheets for 5 months at a time, and I hope it doesn't ever get that bad.
That is so true. Was there too. This moment you realize that you have no power and it is even not that important wether you are clean or have healthy teeth….
@@pugonato I find it's still important and I'll obsess over it. It just gets so hard to find that push to do all the self care. I manage better than some, but finding push, just finding ways to push, it's the daily struggle for most days and only occasionally lifts a bit.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 I literally stand up from couch to make coffee, that’s the push, and after to steps I got back to couch because coffee is also not that important….. I don’t know, depression is in every single cell of my body and life. I could talk about it all day long. But nobody cares
I love love love that the one woman mentioned working with her dental hygienist to come up with a solution for brushing her teeth. The fact that her dentist didn't judge but offered a solution warms my heart. My heart breaks for those who don't experience such compassion.
What's even more interesting is my sister is a dental assistant, and her son/my nephew has issues with brushing his teeth so their dentist told him that he can brush his teeth with like mouthwash because what's important is the friction you create and fluoride from the mouthwash. It was very shocking to learn because the dentist himself said he hasn't used toothpaste in years because he doesn't like the unhealthy additives so he "makes his own natural paste" ... I really felt like I've been scammed out of my life to keep buying toothpaste lmao
A good dentist will never judge.
I wish I had this in my life! When my brother went to the dentist after a months long bout of bad depression, they infantilized him and gave him a ‘how to brush your teeth’ demo like he was a child, never considering that the problem is entirely different
Right, I haven't gotten to that point in the video yet but my dental hygienist is so rude and judgemental towards me. I brush every single day but I have severe allergies to regular toothpaste because of sls and mouthwash because of the alcohol. I use an sls free toothpaste and used to use a bamboo toothbrush for environmental reasons. I've explained my allergies to her multiple times and she's still harsh with me every time I go in as if I don't brush my teeth. I'm now overdue for my cleaning because I just don't feel like being judged for having an allergy.
I know I’m going so off topic here, but I had a dental hygienist change my (health) life. You know how flossing sucks (and hurts) and then you go to the dentist and your gums bleed? She told me if I floss for three days in a row, it would no longer hurt and my gums wouldn’t bleed. This was years ago, and she was absolutely correct. No other dental hygienist or dentist had ever told me that!
Replace that inner voice that says 'I'm failing' with 'I'm having a hard time'. And people who are having a hard time deserve compassion. I've never teared up from watching a TedTalk. Thank you.
I did tear up at a lot of them. But I didn't think this one would. Until the last two minutes...
"Cos in the meantime you deserve to eat"...all this little "cos" sentences...
What is going wrong when you are taught to do the laundry on time...but not to have compassion for yourself? Why don't we love ourselfs?
I know the answers if I am honest, no need to response. Sadly I know.
Saw that? There was a woman standing up in the end, applauding and crying too. It is not just us🥲🤧🙃
*Crying my eyeballs out*
I got wet eyes, and that doesn't happen often. I also decided 6 minutes in that I was sharing her talk with my kids, and my sisters. And if I can, my therapist! 🤯👏👏❤️
That one really hit me hard. I was out of work for 3 months after separating from my husband, and all I could think was, "Life has taught me I can only count on myself, and I'm failing me."
As some who’s perfectionism and ADHD result in decision paralysis hearing “good enough is perfect” actually made me cry
I laughed and started to cry a bit when she said "to just not kill yourself today". And her mentioning of decision fatigue really hit me. For my last birthday all I asked for was a day when I didn't have to make a decision. I love looking at care tasks as neutral. I just wish the people around me thought the same.
Yes! We make decision-free birthdays with my friends - and that's so relieving.
Decision fatigue while traveling. Feeling guilty to want to take a vacation day to do nothing adventurous. This is a great thought provoking video. Thanks.
❤
I feel this ❤️ I try so hard to make my home functional for me but due to my physical health I heavy reliance on other people for help and they constantly like to remind me that I am indeed failing and my kids deserve better and might get taken away etc... Makes an already difficult situation 10x worse 😔
I immediately cried when she said that because I feel it everyday. It is comforting to know I'm not alone because I've been ashamed to ask for help with my house because my family is very judgemental.
@@demigough7934 you are doing the best you can today. That is all you or anyone can do. The best you can, in this moment. Peace and love to you.
Today, I finally looked up “how to clean a room when depressed” and a discussion on Reddit led me to this video.
I’m finally taking care of months-overdue clothing declutter as I watch this video, and I’m tearing up because I feel so validated.
Thank you, Ms. Davis, from the bottom of my heart.
Me too.
I'm in the same boat. I hope you're doing better. You deserve to feel happiness. ❤
OMG, your response is exactly like mine. Im not alone.
Reddit led me here too! Struggle Care
Nobody cared for me as a child. Now I am a mother of four and have no idea who I am. Daily tasks are incredibly hard for me. I just wanted to thank you for being so open to talking about this.
Please give yourself a huge break. You grew up without proper care and you're doing a great job. The need a mentally healthy mom, a mom who loves them unconditionally, not a mom who keeps a perfect house. Keep up the amazing work.
@@lynnepaulocsak122 thank you so much for your kind words
Oh sweet woman give yourself so much GRACE and keep striving. I'm so sorry to hear you weren't cared for as a child. You didn't deserve that. I had a rocky childhood and I'm a mom of 4 kids too. It's no easy task, but harder when you come from a dysfunctional home. I've worked on learning and growing so I can overcome, but still have so many downs. Hang in there and keep listening to uplifting supporting videos. You are not alone. Sending you healing love and strength. Take care of you. 💖🙏
If you don't know who you are, then look inside yourself, instead of looking for external validation.
I’m in tears right now because I feel this in my soul. We were failed/neglect/abused as children and then expected to be perfect mothers with instagram-ready homes and talented, well-behaved children, fit, attractive bodies, and perfect mental health and coping skills.
It’s so hard and I’m so SO tired….down to my bones…deep into my soul. I’m so tired.
“You deserve to be clean. You deserve to eat.” I think you just saved me ma’am. Thank you
LOVE! My Grandmother, who raised 10 beautifully loving and highly successful humans, would say "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing just barely." Morally neutral. Love, love, love.
Unfortunately My grandmother that raised me, said/believed/insisted that "If a job is worth doing, (there really was no "If" though, they all had to be done) it's worth doing Right''. To her that meant it had to be done her way, perfectly to her standards, the first time, or I had to do it over again. It's taken me a long time to kick her Voice out of my head. The first time I listened to KC Davis reading her Audiobook "How to Keep House While Drowning" I was amazed, I felt so validated and loved that I cried with relief. I am Worthy! Thank you KC
“It’s not about morality; it’s about functionality.” Putting into words what I’ve been trying to say to defend a loved one with depression, for several years. Thank you so much.
I’m sorry you’re even in that position. And I’m sorry they (who have depression) are too. I wish you both the best. ❤️
I'm glad your loved one has you. I'm trying to keep afloat alone, and I get the negative messaging from many places, I hope you know how important you are.
Thank you for taking care of your loved ones.
They are blessed to have you. Just having one person who understands or attempts t ok understand is more valuable than all the money on the world. Empathy is soo rare these days, even amoungst family
I was doing the washing up listening to another TED talk audio only, when this auto-played. I ended up just standing still and listening, and then the emotions hit, her voice cracked and suddenly I’m crying.
I don’t suffer from depression but something here resonated. Thank you for a great talk.
That’s beautiful!
Wonderful awareness 💚
Me neither, but have ADHD and relate a lot too.
Her advice is helpful when overwhelmed and raising kids with issues
"Anything worth doing, is worth doing even just a little bit if you can't do it all the way right now. "
Going for a walk too much, but you made it to sit in a chair outside for some fresh air and sunshine.
Eating healthy too much, but you drank an extra cup of two of water.
Brushing your teeth seems like a lot, but can you swig some mouthwash for 20 seconds? That's something.
Building momentum, sense of accomplishment, being realistic, do what you can.
This was shared with me in a chronic illness group, hope it helps!
So happy to hear someone take depression by its horns and wrestle it down. Not having the energy or motivation to brush your teeth or shower or do laundry are the kind of things that are very real symptoms of this horrible and cruel mental condition. It's strange but depression is very immobilizing, almost paralyzing. We have to be brave and look at this monster right in the face. I'm so grateful that KC Davis knows how to talk about something embarrassing like this with such compassion and understanding.
I cried so hard because I finally didn't feel alone!! I am going through this now and feel so helpless and just want to hide away forever
@@chelleb5 depression likes to make people feel worthless, but you are priceless my dear. Like Ms. Davis said, you deserve to be clean.
@@Yellow-Rose thank you for your kind words😘
We should start a group from this thread! Many of us are in this boat at times!
I am right here with this. There are mental health symptoms no one talks about. It's difficult for folks to understand who don't have a reference. People are heavy on me. I'm working towards having more compassion and understanding with myself. There are so many out here just trying to make it day by day.
As a person who studied occupational therapy, care tasks are extremely important and yet my entire profession is put down all the time for focusing on those things. Being able to do the little things without it being a gigantic burden is massive and very important.
@Celeste Kniefel For me, that would depend on the issues and abilities of the person. If they have good mobility but tire easily or have pain when standing too long, I would suggest breaking up the dishes, for example and washing a few at a time. Say five, take a break sit/ lay down for an hour or so then repeat. For laundry kind of the same thing, don't wash more than they can easily lift at one time. Set a reminder for the end of the washing/drying cycle, so they don't forget and fold in spurts rather than all at once while sitting.
@@crystald3655 @celestekneifel5615 When I'm pregnant I have a hard time standing up for long periods of time, but I found I could pull a bar stool in front of the stove or sink and still perform the task as well as if I were at full health and standing. That may work or may not, depending on the type of fatigue being experienced.
Laundry in spurts I absolutely stand by; something that may help is when you take your laundry out of the dryer, lay your easy-wrinkle pieces off to the side and then put them on top as flat as you can get them after you've piled everything else out. That's always the part of laundry I feel worst about, when I finally got something clean and now it's too wrinkled to wear, so if that's a struggle for you too then see if it helps you!
This!!! I am an OT and kept thinking that she was describing what occupational therapists do exactly, only care tasks are calls activities of daily living.
But this isn't about the fine motor part of the tasks. It's the emotional burden of existing. That's more for psychologists I think.
I had that misconception too that OT was just for physical needs until my daughter was referred to an OT for her adhd. I had no idea how well trained they were to handle non neurotypical brains! They help her break things down into smaller steps and strategize how to work through the things she struggles with. That’s ranged from how to handle managing her room and laundry to breaking down large projects and seeing them through from beginning to end
With tears in my eyes, I needed to say, thank you. So much self hatred here, over an overflowing laundry pile. My mom, my dog, and my dad were killed. It's hard to do anything. I don't feel alone anymore. Morally neutral tasks... thank you. 🌻
Sending a big hug to you ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss, your pain and the huge burden you carry. Sending a hug from Florida 🫂
@@grcmllr 🫂 thank you. I needed that.
@@PARoth2011 Hug from illinois as well. 🫂 thank you for your kindness and support.
Sending love ❤️ you are not alone ♥️♥️
I had a fallout with my family early this year. I received a 4 page letter describing in detail how I've disappointed my mother. This is what I wish I had heard 5 months ago. Thank you.
You are so worthy of so many good things.
Forget her. I’m your mom now, sweetheart, and I am so SO proud of you for surviving. Surviving can be really f**king difficult, but you did it. A mother doesn’t pick out every one of the things you’ve done WRONG and shame you, they meet you with kindness, love, and empathy. They offer help, not judgement.
You are doing great just by still being here. ❤ I love you.
I'm so sorry (and heartbroken) for that. The snarky part of me wants you to write a letter back describing in detail how she's disappointed you. You don't have to send it, it's not going to help the situation, but it may be a sort of therapy of sorts for you. People are so broken, we just need to find our tribe of people who love us as we are.
@@TheDutchessOfCornville I need you as my Mom!
Send the letter back - you don’t deserve that. Tell her if she hasn’t got anything nice to say, say nothing at all.
This video changed my life. As someone with depression and ADHD, I’ve struggled with daily tasks for as long as I can remember. When I heard her say “care tasks are morally neutral” I started sobbing. I’ve never thought about it this way, & I hadn’t realized how much shame was affecting me in these areas. I’ve watched this video 5 times now and it’s just so incredible to hear this from someone who gets it. I look forwards to creating creative solutions to help me with my care tasks.
Same! I am sitting on my chair and sobbing to no one because that hit deeper than I anticipated. Why that does concept feel like a revelation?
5:24
I have recurring depression and test in range for Aspergers, as well as having an eye injury. I saw something in myself in my younger years that suggested I might have trouble raising my own kids, so chose not to. I still struggle sometimes
I HIGHLY suggest looking at her Tiktok videos. Her cleaning and self-care videos have truly altered the way I clean/think about cleaning and take care of myself. I have anxiety and depression, as well as memory problems from chronic pain. She has made me realize that so many of my problems such as my trouble with consistent teeth-brushing are so much more common than I knew. I know it seems like a silly app, but those videos truly helped me so much
I followed her on TikTok when I first found this video!! I love her page 🙌
@@mackenziewesten8506They do help, and sometimes we need all the help we can get. Chronic pain can leave you stuck, I know. I fell behind with the house work, however I always make sure my beds are clean, that takes some effort with back pain and my bathrooms are clean. If the house is untidy, and I can’t get to it, so be it.
Good luck to you take care, I hope you can get the pain under control. 😊
I love her philosophy so much, impossible tasks become possible when you stop saying “I should” and start saying “how can I make it easier for myself?”
As they say, “Stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself (& others).” 😉 I constantly have to tell myself this. Sometimes the pun helps remind me though. 😋
How it possible to know the answer if you can't think of another way?
@@cryptic2071 sometimes, you don't have to be the one to think of another way. It doesn't have to be all on you. It is enough for you to express curiosity. You can ask your internet search engine like "easy way to do laundry" or "how to plan meals and grocery shopping" or "fun ways to do chores" or just complain to it like "FLOOR CLEANING IS HARD" - it will show you some solutions other people suggest. Not all will work for you. Some might. Hang in there. You can make things easier for yourself - and if you can't - you will still be okay. Total strangers have your back to give you a jump start in figuring things out.
I didn’t know other people felt like this. I didn’t know so many other people can’t even look at their laundry piles without starting to panic. I can’t believe a talk about cleaning brought tears to my eyes. Thank you ❤
The other day my laundry pile officially reached my height (5'5") and realizing that was a big point of shame in that moment. I cried at multiple points in this talk-I felt so seen and relieved.
I started folding laundry for the first time in months because of this Ted talk
I measure it by how many laundry bags. I miss New York City where I could just drop it off and come back. All I had to do was give them money and I would get my clothes back clean, sorted and folded.
yes, i am here with you. it brought tears to my eyes too
Everyone who reads this, we don't know each other and probably never will but I wish you all the best in life and all the luck in the world.
You too
And to you ❤️🙏
Thank you, same to you!
same to you 💖
Thxx you too🥰
I didn't think I'd tear up watching a ted talk about laundry , but here I am
Me too.
Yeah, me too…
Here we all are!
Aahhh same!
Same
I was never told, once in my life, that not doing chores, or not keeping things the way it “should” be, is ok. I never realized how exhausting it was to keep up with things the way they “should” be. Thank you. I don’t know if my life will be changed at this moment, but I am sure to care and love myself more than I have yesterday.
But how should it be? There is no one standard, it can always be cleaner (some people at the right of arc have germ paranoia and use bacteria sensors around the house..!) and with kids it can always be tidier..it's got to be what works for you each day 🤷🏻♀️
I think your life probably did change. Mine did. Wow! Wow! I am not lazy, or behind. I am just doing my best. I cried when I watched this vide. I cried when I shared it. And, I am crying again a few hours later, because I have stacks and stacks of laundry, and now I think it is okay.
I agree, not sure if all has changed but now understand that it's okay if I just can't today. I will move forward at the moments when I can.
If I wrote down everything I did in an ordinary day, from taking my tea cup to the sink to putting rubbish in the outside bin it would number at least 50 activities. Adulting is exhausting but luckily I just do it automatically- I feel sorry for those whose autopilot is stuck.
@@ms.b.kimberly Does it really all need washing? Most people wash clothes too often - they're even starting to put it on the labels!
I’m a new therapist, and your videos and philosophies are shaping the way I do therapy with clients. Care tasks are the new baseline of assessment.
@@cruksi7001 huh?
You are going to be awesome! Good luck ❤️
Thank you for being open to this reality! I’m the woman doing/not doing cleaning
This is so true, and hard to bring up on your own. Seeing my doctor tomorrow and it’s the only reason I took a shower since last week when I had to go in.
Don’t leave the house otherwise so it’s not worth the energy.
@@nameissturdy1390 Hope your appointment went well. I used to shower the day or so before an appointment, and not be able to do anything for days after. Yet I was never asked how hard or was to get to the appointment.
Thank you so so much. I'm 14 and in this year was diagnosed with autism and adhd after suffering a severe burnout and depression. After months of not being able to go to school or see anyone, I managed to go to 1 history lesson last week. My room is still a tip, I still rely on dry shampoo to look presentable most days, and I still spend days just laying in bed, but being able to go into school for that one lessson made me feel so good. I spent over half of this video crying because it is just so unbelievably what I needed to hear.
Well done you! I struggled with attending school as a teenager too, in my case because of bullying and anxiety, so can I can relate 🙂. Just remember to take life one minute at a time and be compassionate with yourself 😊
You got this!! Keep going! ❤
Just be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot. Take good care of yourself
damn, it sounds like you’re in the exact situation i was in a couple years ago. stay strong, i wish you all the love in the world
You go girl!
Thank you!!! I almost didn't watch this. But a few minutes in, I burst into tears. I have had Fibromyalgia for 25+ years and have struggled emotionally in ways I didn't understand. I am now 80 years old. You have given me the guidance & permission I have needed my whole life! My daughter and granddaughter have Fibro, too. I see they have the same struggles, esp. my daughter. The faulty moral issue is a heavy burden that saps our already limited strength. I am so grateful that you presented this video. Many who comment critically clearly have no idea of how some of us struggle or why.
I have fibromyalgia too. Like you I'm feeling deep down inside of me like I'm failing every one arround me specially my self. They don't understand what is to be struggling inside, you just look for every one fine but a little tired, what a misconception! I'm exhausted, like she said "a doing, being fatigue" that never ends, just changes form from time to time...
me too!
Hi friend
I started crying too. What a powerful message!
You are so loved xo
I am sobbing and hugging my toddler right now, the youngest of three. I didn't think I needed to watch this. I very nearly skipped it. I'm so glad I didn't. Thank you. From the bottom of my very tired heart, thank you.
❤❤❤
Good luck to you, keep watching 💕
I actually had my therapist telling me when I told her that I couldn't make my bed in the morning and I felt like I was failing, and she told me, don't do it, you are going to use it at night again, if you can do it, don't do it, your bed is not going to judge you, and that freed me for a lot of other chores I thought that I had to do to be valuable.
Summary:
1. Care tasks are morally neutral. They are not a measure of your worth or lack thereof
2. If you are struggling with care tasks, you are not alone. Millions of people are currently struggling with care tasks. ‘Autopilot’ is broken for those people and the steps involved are overwhelming.
3. Making improvements with care tasks can help improve mental health, in fact it can be an excellent place to start.
3. Give yourself permission to do things in the way that is most functional for you and your household - there’s no need to hold yourself to some external standard of how things should be done. Functionality is key. If care tasks are too overwhelming, just do what you can do. Simplify things, focus on immediate needs and allow it to be ok to be less than perfect. Put caring for yourself first - you are worthy of having a functional environment.
Oh ya, it is hard not to eat til unhealthy.... eat and don't worry about what the norms are or what others think. Don't brush your teeth and just sit in a room??? There are answers to these mental illnesses and laziness, is not it? Accomplishment is a big part of mental health and it is different for us all!
@@hal8683 literally no where did she say it was ok to not brush your teeth and sit in a room forever. What she SAID was find a way to make these tasks something that you are able to complete, even if it is done in a way that most people would find "weird." If you struggle to get out of bed to brush your teeth, find a way to do it so it actually gets done. Maybe that means keeping a toothbrush and water at the bedside and brushing from bed. But once that first task is complete, it becomes easier to do the next task. And then the next. She's not saying throw your hands up and wallow, just that finding a way to get out of a dark place means giving yourself some grace to do the things you need to do in a way that you are able to complete them.
She's saying, have compassion for people who are having a hard time, including yourself.
@@sionan7937 oh yes she said friends have trouble with it and have specail arrangements (off the wall) to make them brush their teeth! Look at the house pictures and how does that happen? Get help it is not sanitary or safe for children or others. You are rationalizing your problem !! If these things don't make sense to you get help! She said your norm of slobby behavior is ok for you if you don't mind it ! Live by your rules and screw the norms! Why are you rationalizing?? Very much says do your thing and find ways to be a slob is the bottom line. U ??
learn her morraly neutral... ???? Get GOOD help!
@@hal8683 I say all of this genuinely and trying to come to you from a place of understanding and genuinely hoping you can see my point. Honest question: if someone told you that they have chronic pain and so doing the laundry is hard for them so sometimes it piles up, would you then call them a bad person? I would think not because I don't think you're actually a mean person, I think you're just a person who got comfortable being mean on the Internet. If someone is struggling physically, we would give them grace and understanding. The same should be true for mental struggles.
Not doing your laundry doesn't make you a bad person, but you DO need clean laundry to function. So what she's saying is, instead of beating yourself up (and making yourself feel worse), acknowledge that it's just a task that you need to do and find a way to do it, without beating yourself up about it. And if you truly can't see that, and truly have no compassion for people who are just trying to function, then ok. Nothing I say will convince you.
I just wish people thought about how they would want to be treated if they were the ones struggling. When did we as a society get so hateful to one another? Depressing.
Have a good day though, either way, whether you agreed with me or not.
I follow her on TikTok and she has revolutionized the way I see my home. I have the opposite problem, where OCD causes me to have a home that is punishingly clean. Realizing care tasks are morally neutral has freed me to allow functional mess into my home and has lessened the burden on my brain. She is changing lives.
At the point you said “living out of a pile of laundry on the floor doesn’t make you a failure”, I realised I needed a scarf to wear today and was picking up the one at my feet. Thank you for making me laugh while giving me the tools for greater self compassion.
Love this. I'm a therapist and have talked about the paper plates idea, sitting in the shower and dry shampoo instead of full showers with clients. I personally keep floss picks in my car so I can floss while I commute for over a year now. I went from flossing twice a year to flossing 6+ times per week when I did that one change. These little adaptations make such a difference. I might try the disposable toothbrushes next.
the floss pick hack is amazing!
It can be hard to push myself to brush my teeth at night, because of depression, fatigue, hotflashes, etc, but I can't imagine resorting to disposable toothbrushes. I'd never heard of such a thing. I use an electric, which makes brushing so much easier. It's pretty easy to put toothpaste on a toothbrush. I'm not trying to judge anyone who this may work for. Getting your teeth brushed is super important, and however you can find it easier to do it is great. I just can't see that making it easier. It's the pushing myself to do it before I start falling asleep. Because once I do, then i wake w/ hotflashes and it's really hard to want to do it when I'm flushing, plus it wakes me up, so harder to fall back asleep.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 I heard of someone keeping a toothbrush and toothpaste by their bed and having a spit cup so they can still brush their teeth if they're tired. Could work with an electric toothbrush too if you plug it in by your bed and bring it into the bathroom in the morning
2020 was supposed to be our year... Until my fiance became suddenly sick, was ignored for months and told he was "crazy" (and given psych meds to stop this "craziness") and then was diagnosed with stage IV cancer only to pass mere months later. I needed this video then. Thank you so much for coming out and saying what so many need to hear, but often isn't said because everyone is so busy living their dramatized 'perfect' social media lives. I know this message will help so many that are in my shoes, your message still hits hard today and I'm almost 2y out from losing the love of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you 💙 I am only now getting ready to return to work but the amount of times I've heard "why can't you just go back to work?" Or my favourite, because everyone knows me and lives my life "you NEED to go back to work, look what this is doing to you, you have no routine, you have no purpose, etc." I can't wait to look your tiktok account up for even more inspiration!
So sorry for your loss 😞 I lost my mother right before COVID.
It takes an incredible amount of bravery and courage to take just one step. And then the next. It's so helpful to find resources like this that help even those one steps not be as difficult ❤
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. And, terribly sorry and appalled by the struggle your fiancé went through to get diagnosed. Also, so very sorry for the unsympathetic responses to your unique and valid grieving journey. Blessings and light to you!
So very sorry for all you are going through
I have the most organized mother the world has known. I never grew up with anything out of place. But I have depressed and ADHD. And I picture in my mind what her house looks like and why I don’t keep my space so nice. I apologized one day for having a messy house. She shrugged and said “this is how you function, and it’s ok.” And I realized that I was the one guilting myself not other people. But I still think, how disheveled am I willing to let my mom see my house? And now I have no clean towels left so I’m going to do laundry.
And my mom, with the neatest, cleanest house ever, just didn’t get “why do I want to live this way?”
@@tinaaugeri6896 My mother is the same way. Lucky for her she has no clue what depression is. She has two daughters who know it all too well.
See, I'd just re-use a towel.
@@communicationbreakdown256 I really hope she didn't mean she'd only used it once!! Cos that would be ridiculous and pretty bad for the planet. I legitimately wash towels maybe once a month?! And that seems perfectly ok to me 🤷🏻♀️
my mother cried when she came to my house (she also was born organized and naturally tidy). I wish she could have seen and verbalized that she loves that my priorities are different than hers, and that I have put other areas in my life first. I love that your mother is okay with you as you are. You're okay. ♥
By 7 minutes in I was sobbing uncontrollably. I just lost my husband a month ago....and just existing each day is a struggle for me. We were married just under 3 years, and he collapsed unexpectedly of a heart attack......he had just turned 40. My life has been spinning since he died.....and this video hit me SO hard! I NEEDED this so much! While others have given me grace in my grief.....I have been struggling with feeling like a failure since I can't seem to do even the simplest things like crawl out of bed. I grew up in an abusive home with a mother who placed all her value in appearance....so judging myself and feeling like I'm lacking and a failure if my home isn't perfect comes naturally to me. "A woman's home is a reflection of her mind and heart--if it's messy, it indicates there are internal heart issues she needs to work on and seek the Lord to root out and fix" was something I heard regularly. Now pair that BS with the trauma of losing my husband and my subsequent struggle to even wake up each morning--let alone take a shower, eat food, do laundry, brush my teeth, clean the house....and I feel worse than dirt. This woman's message is so liberating. I feel SO understood in my current struggles. I'm "ok" if I don't wash dishes......I'm "ok" if I have to order in food again because I dont even have the energy to go to the grocery store for frozen dinners--let alone cook for myself.....
Sending you much love and compassion to go through your grief. Take care x
My heart goes out to you, so sorry for your loss!x
Dear (((((Anne)))))
I’m so sorry to hear about the heartbreaking loss of your husband. Please accept my sincere condolences. Not sure how I ended up on this video, but it was Heaven sent. I’ve never heard of KC Davis before, but am grateful to have heard this talk. My precious husband died on October 7th and I too am struggling. I came from a dysfunctional home. I hear everything your saying. I understand and you are NOT alone.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and my prayers. ❤
Denise
So sorry to hear this. Sending you hugs and blessings.
omg my mom is like yours. LOOKS were everything. toxic. oh ya, and mom says i need god. she is so out of touch with herself, it’s sickening. i hope you are getting help. you seem to be treating yourself like your mom did/does. you are in a vulnerable state because f your husbands death. i’m so, so sorry. so my thinking is your trauma is surfacing itself. mom used to YELL at me to get out of bed because of my depression. it’s like, how much worse could i feel? i hear you and sending hugs.
So encouraging thank you as my home is a mess, recovering after cancer, struggling to work and telling myself I am useless and lazy. I will chage my attitude now and do what I can to make it easier on myself
Hope you’re cancer free
You are not lazy at all. You are a strong survivor. A warrior. Congratulations and I wish you all the happiness and health possible! :)
I'm in the same boat. You are alive! You are still living. Not lazy at all.
you are enough, you deserve to rest, and the fact that daily tasks are not so easy as they used to be is natural, you have a right to feel like not doing all these stuff-they are not your priority. give yourself as many time as you need. it's not making any chance if you do it now or later. the only thing that matters is the fact that your here, alive, being strong and willing to fight it. tho I don't know you and I'm milion miles away-I'm proud of you, I wish you the best and I hope everything goes back to normal again. sending you lots of love from Poland ❤
Oh my gosh! You are NOT lazy and please never, ever, ever use the word worthless again about yourself or anyone else. A long time ago I promised myself to do my best every day. Some days our best is just breathing. Sometimes it’s doing groceries AND putting them away! Please, just take your time and do one thing- make your bedroom clean and nice so you always have somewhere to go to rest. You just had cancer and you’re alive! I’d say you are insanely not lazy or worthless. You are healing your body and healing from the trauma of it all. Be kind to yourself because you are amazing. ♥️
After the first 20 seconds of your talk, I got the ebook. I didn't even finish the talk. I'm autistic and adhd. And so f'ing depressed. I'm reading and I'm covered in my tears. I came back just to tell you. Thank you.
The babywipes part got me ... because I just used them for the same reason,apply powder after,you'll feel better. Then I sat on my bed with my toothbrush,brushed my teeth while watching this Ted talk,got up to rinse my mouth,the little floss sticks are already ready to go.😬 a spray bottle with water some leave in conditioner and a brush at the bedside will help to keep hair in order.
I am neurodivergent with chronic pain, a full time job, and I live alone. So while I only have to take care of me, I also have to take care of everything by myself. Your stance on care tasks as morally neutral and focusing on functional instead of perfect has done SO MUCH for me. I can DO things now! I can keep my space functional! I can give myself space when I can't do the bare minimum. I can feed myself when I have no energy. And I can bounce back from rock bottom faster because I no longer add shame to the pile when I'm already dealing with too much. Thank you so much KC.
I agree.
I'm in a similar situation in my life. I had the realization the other day that part of why it's so hard to run my little household is because it all falls on me to do. Yes, I made all the mess, but having someone to share the mental and physical burden would make things so much easier. They would also be the, I don't know, incentive? inspiration? to keep up with housework. It's all just so overwhelming.
♥️♥️♥️
I'm in a similar situation. It's been dawning on me, in addition to everything KC is saying, that humans are also not meant to care for themselves completely on their own-all throughout human history, until very recently, care tasks have been performed interdependently and have served as a crucial space for cultivating feelings of safety and connection with others. Take that interdependence away, sprinkle on some mental illness and stigma, and of course these tasks will feel impossible!
@@moonbread2334 so true. In many areas of the world this individualistic idea is unheard of.
I’ve been crying all day because I just can’t get my house together and have been thinking I’m failing all day long. Now I’m crying for a different reason. Thank you for this. ❤
I couldn’t recommend her book enough. As someone who has ‘moderate’ depression, I can struggle with dishes and laundry, and beat myself up over being unable to complete tasks when I can seem to function decently well outside the home. I feel like I SHOULD be able to do them, and I must just be lazy when I can’t. This book is so kind, and it made such a big difference for me. Even now for things like laundry - I could always do laundry, but could never seem to muster the energy to fold it and put it away. After reading this book, I went out and bought another cheap laundry basket from the dollar store for clean clothes. Now, if I have the energy to fold my laundry, great. If I don’t, it stays contained and has a ‘place’ - in the corner of my room in my clean laundry basket.
Thank you for such an awesome idea! Tomorrow I'm buying a clean laundry basket
I had a really bad depression a couple years ago and I was having trouble staying motivated to keep up with dishes. They would pile up and in that state of mind it was overwhelming. So a good friend told me to get some paper plates and plastic utensil and use them through the tough time. I was soooooo ethically conflicted about it because I know they are bad for the environment, but it almost became a motivator to get back to a place where I didn’t need them. Sure enough, after a couple weeks of not using dishes, I felt better and was able to tackle all the dishes and get back to my normal cooking / cleaning routine. Its so true that giving yourself some temporary flexibility makes ALL the difference.
Started watching KC on TikTok a year ago, and she literally changed my life. I can still be a good mom, even with a debilitating pain condition and ADHD.
I'm an occupational therapist and this is what I do! Occupational therapy focuses on these types of functional tasks- we have training in psychology, neurology and physiology so that way we can help people no matter their mental and physical health be more independent and functional. Most mental health providers do not know about OT so they don't refer!
I'm studying OT now and wondering why no one ever referred me to an OT for my mental health struggles! 🤯 sometimes practical solutions are more helpful than talk therapy
Thank you for your post. I had no idea and this is exactly the type of help I need after two brain injuries and having ADHD and being on the spectrum to begin with. 🙌
I used to be an OT. It saddens me greatly that it's not an OT out writing books and doing ted talks on this. It also frustrates the life out of me that patients/client surveys almost always rate the treatment they've had from an OT as the most helpful in their daily life, yet going by the comments section of this video, very few know about it. It shocks me the amount of therapists commenting on here who have no knowledge of Occupational Therapy services or how/who to refer.
I believe OT's must become better at marketing their services and getting their well of knowledge more widely known and utilised.
I was looking for a fellow OT! We need to get our message out. We are perfectly placed and yet people don't know about us.
I am in tears from this. I’m 50. I’ve had mental health problems all my life with no help. And I’m so overwhelmed some days that if I get dress and put on shoes I feel like I’ve accomplished something. Even on a bad day. Or even my extreme days. This makes me feel so much better you have no idea. I just needed you to know thank you..
I've been a therapist for 10 years. THANK YOU. Will start using this philosophy for all my folks immediately.
This is an amazing video. I especially liked the functionality of the Dental Hygiene routine. I am a Dental Hygienist and it breaks my heart how embarrassed patient are to disclose their habits. I always gently made one goal for patients to try and assured them that there was zero judgment only love from us.
this is exactly the reason why i've been putting off going to the dentist for years now. i'm so embarrassed by how many cavities i've gotten because even just taking a few minutes of my time to brush and floss due to depression seems like such a chore and a struggle
@@lavenderandgold8588 I did that for over 5 years. The damage to my teeth and gums was serious and I lost several molars. Lots of pain w/ infections and broken teeth too. I got myself a water flosser, because realistically I knew I wasn't ever going to be a flosser. That helped so much w/ gums to firm them up. I finally had a better report and had improved some deep gum pockets. I go regularly now and try not to slip. I always brush at least once a day, but would fall asleep w/out brushing at night, which does a lot of damage. I rarely do that now. It's not because I'm not depressed, but I know how much worse everything is if I don't really make this a priority.
I was raised in a hoarding home and I always struggled with hygiene growing up. I had anxiety and depression and I was in and out of therapy for saying I didn't want to be here anymore. Then, right after I graduated college, I learned that I probably have ADHD.
This talk sheds new light on why I've struggled with and continue to struggle with certain tasks. These days, it comes in the form of constantly missing personal deadlines for my hobbies, but I have learned to adjust. It takes me a lot longer than some to finish my big projects, and I am okay with that. As long as I eventually get back to it, I know that one day I will finish it. I'm in no rush, not trying to impress anyone, just trying to live and be okay. I'm proud of the little accomplishments and I'm taking it one step at a time.
As someone else who grew up in a hoarder home, anxiety and depression, struggles to keep on top of care tasks, and has been diagnosed with ADHD, solidarity. I hope you’re doing ok ❤
hoarding is a form of mental illness, so i’m sure you e struggled with a lot more than hygiene like emotional issues. perhaps the adhd is feeling distracted from trauma? i’m proud of you too.
As one of the now 1,000s of people who's lives have literally been saved by KC and by accepting what she's saying here, this is such an important message. Watch this, share it, because if it doesn't resonate for you, it will for someone you know, and it will absolutely change their lives
I just discovered her. She is really clever. And I sure felt Morally Bankrupt because I slept all day.
Good enough is perfect.
I have ocd and frequent depression, this was very encouraging.
I always tell my self “go do the next right thing”
Wash one dish, put the soap on and scrub it. Rinse it. Good job!
Self compassion is so helpful, I wouldn’t treat other people as hard as I treat myself sometimes.
I made my bed. I studied for my class for a few minutes. One step at a time.
hello! i am so so proud of you!
As a retired therapist with a chronic illness, I think this is brilliant. Thank you
Thank you so much for your statement (and I paraphrase), "...it takes all your strenght NOT to kill yourself today!" Only people who have had true depression can understand that statement. Bless you!
@johanneshartman4618 People like you literally CAUSED my depression. Take your proselytising somewhere else you shill
the bit about expending energy to not kill yourself is real. every single lull in the day, gap in conversation, moment alone- is filled quickly with the desire to escape it all. you don't get mad at people or circumstance; you just want to finish the rest of your life quickly, quietly, and without hurting anyone. it's a constant struggle that's akin to drowning.
Have you read or listened to her read her audiobook, "How to Keep House While Drowning" ? it's like this but so much more. I tell people she could have called it "how to do anything when you are struggling". Hearing her the first time was lifechanging. I sometimes put her audiobook on timer and go to sleep listening to her compassionately talking to me. Give yourself some compassion, and just hang on until it gets a bit better. You are Worthy of care.
I burst into tears after a few minutes watching this. For years I struggled as a Stay at home mom being judged for how I kept my home. Fighting depression in a loveless marriage with 3 kids. Then became a single mom of 3 kids and fought off cancer while trying to keep my home. Would go weeks without a shower even. Was a good 6 plus years of this struggle. I'm now healthy and happy and keep up with my chores easily but for years I was drowning. Thank you for bringing light to this!!! 😪💜
how did you heal? i’m so happy for you.
I’m a mother of 3 with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and narcolepsy. The presentation of my home, myself, and my family is how I measure my worth. We’re always a mess anyway, so I don’t often feel very good. Thank you for this.
We have so much in common. Narcolepsy alone is an absolute beast. Adding in the depression, anxiety, and PTSD… sending you love and support
@@carriewells4377 Thank you, Carrie! I’m very lucky to have an awesome support system. Some days they’re the only things keeping me upright and moving. Love and support to you as well ❤️
Why 3 kids then?
I grew up with my mom in a similar position as yours. My mom has had narcolepsy, depression, and anxiety long before I was born. It made it so that my brother and I were often the ones waking her up in the morning to take us to the bus stop, and our household was a story of just keeping the walkways clear. She was always so ashamed of 'the house she kept' that she was terrified of me having friends over lest they decide they don't want to be friends with someone with piles of boxes and junk up to our eyeballs. Having friends over meant multiple days of cleaning and my mom being anxious that I would lose that friend (she had a friend a long time ago that she invited over that ghosted her after coming to our house) then my mom disappearing in her room to rest when the day finally came. And she was always so tired, she felt sick and angry and ashamed of herself for being such a dysfunctional mother. And the thing I wish most for her right now is that she receive counseling and social support from people beyond my dad's confidant, and maybe it starts with this video...
But she was also always a warrior who never stopped fighting to make sure my brother and I were safe and happy, and I am incredibly grateful that God gave me a mom who cares so much about me as I am sure you care about your kids. I am telling you all of this because I have been where your kids are now, and I want you to know that even if you look around and see your failures, we see your successes and how much you have gone through and fought for in our lives. We see your pain and successes and we want to see you thrive as much as you want to see us thrive. Please be patient with and kind to yourself on this journey :)
@@joeysherard4471 This was lovely, thank you for sharing ❤️ I’m very lucky to have the support system I have, so I struggle far less than some others in my position. Some days are still very difficult though. Being there for my kids is far more important than my house being spotless though, so I take solace in that 😊
I don’t even need all the tips. It’s the compassion that’s so healing that I am starting to feeling more able to grapple with my tasks again. Thank you so much for this beautiful piece of humanity.
My feeling exactly. I'm finding my way in the physical stuff, but the compassion and understanding is incredibly powerful.
My feeling exactly. I'm finding my way in the physical stuff, but the compassion and understanding is incredibly powerful.
My feeling exactly. I'm finding my way in the physical stuff, but the compassion and understanding is incredibly powerful.
Thank you! I’m not the only person who is struggling with this! Listening to this and reading the comments is like finding my people. I live with my mother and her auto pilot for care taking chores is always on overdrive. She doesn’t understand why I struggle so much with it, and neither do I. I feel so bad because I’m always comparing myself to her and coming up short. To find that I’m not broken beyond repair, I’m not the only one struggling, and I’m not morally deficient is such an amazing relief!
Showering is so hard sometimes it’s hard to do basic things when you are depressed. No one understands around me especially my family
I understand young lady, I love and care very much about you! :)
I've watched this three times already. I didn't realize how badly I needed to hear that care tasks are morally neutral and that I deserve a *functional* living space. I often have days where I struggle with pain or depression so I can't get out of bed. I have a basket of sewing things right by my bed so I can still do something I love while feeling so badly about everything else. Thank you for this!
That is beautiful, thank you for sharing! ❤️🧵 You've inspired me today
hoping you don’t feel badly about the other things. baby steps.
Thank you!!! I listened to this video while caulking and weatherproofing the windows in the house I'm renting. The cold has moved in a few weeks earlier that usual. I'm doing this on a day I should be in the shop catching up on clients' projects. I intended to do this yesterday, another day stolen from paid work, but was on day 4 without my main ADHD meds. I'm renting this house because at 52 I commited to working for myself. This was five years after getting diagnosed and working toward living my life in a way that is more friendly to my condition. I'm renting this house because earlier this year I realized just how broken my 19 year marriage was when my soon to be ex-wife said she doesn't trust me. When pressed, she said she doesn't trust my follow through. She said this in the house I negotiated the purchase of, to a person who is the only college graduate in two generations of my family. This video makes me realize that this is what she meant. My inablility to keep my personal spaces organized at all, my vacations from hygiene because there were too many other things to do or too many depressive thoughts in my head meant that I'm not to be trusted to work effectively enough to provide a safe environment. Thank you for helping me put that in a box and put that box in the closet of useless shame. I'm going to get back to making my home more comfortable and less expensive to live in through the winter.
Thank you. The title caught me, because I am struggling with cleaning, laundry being one of the biggest things I need to take care of. It's comforting knowing I'm not alone in this at the same time it's heart breaking knowing there are people going through the same things I am.
We are an army at this point. Somehow, knowing we’re not alone makes a huge difference. Welcome to our club 🤗.
Another helps thing is to throw out half your clothes, and put on one small load at the same time each day. As a regular routine. Before you do X or Y that day... stick the washing in. Routines help us to not procrastinate or forget.
Same
If you don’t have a dryer and the weather is fine just throw it on the lawn - it will dry.
For anything it may be worth... I simplified my laundry a lot, and it took years of pain and burden off my shoulders!
It's not about being minimalist. It's about choosing clothes that require the least fussiness. I wear knit tops now instead of buttoned shirts, because I don't want to iron. Same for jeans or leggings instead of slacks. Unless I get a stain somewhere, I wear shirts at least three days in a row and pants all week, and I look and smell fine.
I just realized one day that nobody cares about what I wear. I couldn't think of anything anyone else had ever worn in front of me at work or church or school or anything. I didn't care about their clothes, unless something was visibly wrong with them. So nobody cared about my clothes either. I could wear anything that wasn't "bad". It didn't have to be a new, fussy outfit every day.
I wash a load of shirts about twice a month now. Jeans maybe once a month. Towels weekly. Sheets, etc. as often as I change them. That's all the loads of laundry I ever have to do. I never iron anything. I never fold clothes, but just hang everything up. I do fold towels and sheets (always straight out of the dryer, never take them to a second location!). But each of us uses only two towels per week, so it's really very little folding.
My system may not work for everyone, but if laundry overwhelms you these may be some ways to reduce the burden of it until other areas of your life lighten up enough that you can focus on it again.
BTW, same goes for switching to paper plates instead of washing so many dishes!
Hands down my most favourite Ted Talk ever! So incredible and so liberating hearing her speak...Equally the comments section made me cry with relief and happiness. Only recently have I realised the struggles that I have had with organisation my whole life may be down to undiagnosed ADHD. The relief at knowing I'm not lazy, but just have a different brain has been totally liberating. I grew up with the most organised parents that you could imagine and they have always put me down because I struggled with basic tasks. But with the help of therapy, when they put me down recently I said... "mum you have sublime organisation skills which is incredible and I admire that. I, on the other hand, may struggle doing basic things like food shopping and following a recipe however I was able to go to Africa by myself, learn a language fluently and have travelled the globe. Getting on a plane to another country solo is easier for me than doing a supermarket shop. Gez it felt good to stick up for myself after years and years of being mocked and put down. I am now celebrating my neuro diversity. I may struggle with simple house hold chores but I can travel abroad independently and make human connections with strangers. I sure think the latter is much more life affirming. Thank you to this wonderful lady for highlighting the plight of ADHD. This video made me feel a lot better and thanks also for everyone's comments. So nice to read your stories. With love from the UK xx
❤ love this ❤
This is me!
GOOD FOR YOU!!, yes, i agree with your validation of self !! 😃👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I understand 💯
this resonates so hard. thank you
I could not have found this at a better time in my life. I’ve always been the super woman of housecleaning being a mom and wife… But since my little brothers suicide a year and a half ago and decades of trauma abuse and u name it for the first time in my life i have found myself unable to do anything. My house is an absolute nightmare disaster…. I dont get myself dressed for days at a time and more that i will for now keep to myself. My brother was my best friend and i miss him and his death felt like more than ive been able to handle. I just feel completely burned out actually worse but not sure how to even put it into words. Physically i feel awful. I feel like im the worst mom wife person and everyday it gets worse. Im just hoping that something snaps me back! Thank you KC for doing this and all the other work you have done to help someone like me. I plan on reading everything you have written and all your videos!
OMG!!! This has been my life for the past 3 years! Laundry, showering, cleaning, even brushing my teeth sometimes. And I spend so much time ruminating and trying to figure out how to get it done without anyone knowing what a horrible person I am, because I can’t manage do get even the simplest of tasks, that I’m too exhausted to try.
I feel for you Karen, I’m the same and it’s a pity we feel judged by anyone and then ourselves, I find it can feel like a heavy weight most days and even my partner once said “you never DO anything” (it was actually on last Xmas day). I felt crushed and ashamed as I feel I try so hard to keep up, except on really bad days. I wish you well, feels better knowing we’re not alone I guess x
It's almost a relief to hear that other people feel the same way as I do 🙂
Sitting in my bedroom, newly diagnosed with adhd and autism after struggling with depression and anxiety for years. My room has literal insects, spoiled food and awful smells that have begun to give me a migraine. I haven't been able to clean in weeks, I was so proud when I showered a few days ago.. thank you. Seeing this stuff as neutral would really help my brain. I'll do my very best. I really appreciate this content.
Awesome accomplishment on taking the shower! You are on your way to a much better life. I have learned to wait for my autistic friends to finish thinking about a topic before I make a shift the conversation. It relieves their confusion and definitely cuts down on the number of questions I get asked. I live in a sunglasses, earplugs, daily walks and quiet time after being out in public type of life.
@@mgd6087 Thank you ❤️ I really appreciate your kind reply
That is exactly what occupational therapy is there for- finding out with you how you can adapt your daily tasks to make them manageable and do the things that are meaningful for you
As an OT I'm really glad this talk resonates with so many. I really wish more people knew that OT is the therapy discipline that WILL ask you how you're doing your laundry! ...and all the other care tasks (that are deemed too ordinary and everyday for medicine and science). 🙄🥰
Yes!! Exactly!! I’m also an OT
I wish the speaker had mentioned occupational therapy.
@@LisaMarieAdams nobody said that. OT helps people (individuals and groups) improve their performance of activities to a level of their own satisfaction. The barrier(s) to this could be from any plane (eg, the person: eg physical mobility as you mentioned, cognitive processes, or the environment (physical and social), or the activity itself).
@@lesleygarcia7608 How exactly?
The ziplock idea is absolutely genius and so caring!
I struggle with all these tasks whether I’m depressed or not. It never even occurred to me to think of a chore as a morally neutral task until this moment. Thank you.
Im having a hard time right now, and this made me feel a little bit better. Sending love and healing to everyone who needs it.
You too ❤
I've followed you on tiktok for... a very long time. And yet, the way you summarised and explained everything here, I was in tears just as much as when I first found you. You've changed my life so much for the better, including being a huge part of me seeking my ADHD diagnosis. I owe you so much, thank you.
What's her tick toke
@@lisabarbieri5188 it’s domesticblisters
As someone with a chronic illness, a "silent" disability, Thank you!
Man, she doesn't know how much she's just helped me. I can do it
So, you, did it, without help ! Like most of us.. We don't get an award at the end for cleanest house, best baking.. no one cares.. happy kids. Period! Were ALL swimming upstream..TY for this♡♡
Did I just stumble onto someone who wrote my life story? If so, I'm so grateful.
As a young widow (my husband died unexpectedly 2 years ago) I can speak to the exhaustion. Cooking dinner is still a challenge; even more so after all the home cooking I did during the pandemic. Other things have been a challenge to do as well. I started to embrace the idea, that I just project zigzag (start a project, get stuck or there is a natural break, and then come back to the project sometimes weeks later). As soon as I embraced this, I started to get more done! I am a trauma therapist/Neurofeedback practitioner and will be sharing this! Thank you!!!
her content entirely changed my perspective on my depression and cleanliness- I’ve been told my whole life I’m lazy and messy- when it’s the opposite. I am so grateful for her and what she’s doing
“Replace that inner voice that says I’m failing with, I’m having a hard time right now.” I just broke down. I didn’t realise how much I needed that reminder.
This woman is a saint.
This hit me so hard. My mom did die. I did get fired. I’ve had a broken ankle for over two years. So far Dr hasn’t been able to fix it. Soon I’m having a major surgery to fix my ankle. This has made my already fragile mental health shatter. Thank you for this video. You are saving lives.
I'm literally crying right now, as a kid who grew up in a house of tweakers I had to prematurely grow up, parenting my parents till i refused to enable them. And have always beat myself up when I feel down and can't even bathe or do laundry...I still make things work, but thank you.... I'm crying right now having a hard time believing this mental state is actually understood.. I don't feel weak now..maybe just, altered.
💜
it’s so understood. sending hugz
you have to give yourself the love that you never received from them, hence your inner child. i used to hate that saying but it’s true. i try to hold myself as a baby how i would want to be held and loved
Omg this woman is the reason I started therapy and found a therapist I actually like. I'm super grateful for her and I'm glad she got to do a TED talk!!
i 🥺 my doctor won’t wanna work with me anymore
10:02 made me stop what I was doing, and realize my useless shoe organizer (of vertical boxes) could be laid horizontally on the ground, and hold clean, unfolded clothes. Mind blowing. I might actually be able to move the hamper of clean clothes out of the hallway and into the closet for the first time in weeks.
I broke down into tears. I've spent 30 years beating myself up and being embarrassed. My mother had Major Depression and other things. Thank you for being the voice I always wanted to hear.
Her book gave me so much peace. Living with
Depression ADHD and PTSD is a lot. My energy goes into my toddler so there isn’t much left. Her book really helped me figure out what works well for me
The social media world presents us with airbrushed images and videos that depict unrealistic unattainable goals their promoters push to appear superior to their viewers. When you catch yourself punishing yourself for not meeting others ideals ask whether they could accomplish them in your shoes. The answer is: No.
whats the name of her book?
@@Cutiejuliya Her book is called *How to Keep House While Drowning : A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing* 💕
You can hear in the applause at the end how this resonates with so many people, so many of us are struggling with day to day management
I always did my laundry the way my mom taught us growing up. Then it occurred to me, “Why am I folding tshirts? I HATE folding tshirts!” And now they go onto hangers. 😂 Undies, socks, and bras don’t need folding. So they don’t get folded. Thrown into separate drawers, yes, but not folded. Thank you for helping me affirm my way of doing things to keep our house tidy without worrying that it’s not the way my mom would’ve done it! ❤
Yes, not folded and into the drawers. I still expect the laundry police though, the "proper" way to do things is so deeply imbedded in my psyche. I probably won't ever get rid of that, but at least I'm not folding things that don't need to be folded anymore.
I had this saved to my “to watch list” and was organizing my playlists. As an autistic parent with a 9 month old baby, and living with mental illness this means so much to me.
I found this while trying to be motivated to clean. Not only did I cry and then feel better and understood, but I got the job done while listening and I felt less alone. So thank you
I don't have the words to express how life changing this is for me.
I am living at home with my mum, with frequent depression episodes. I haven't cleaned my room in a year - I've beat myself up for this, but this video has made me realise that it's not as hard as it seems. Thank you
It IS actually hard, so please be kind with yourself. It is hard and you are allowed to take all the steps that ease the burden in you! You're allowed to let go of everything, that makes it harder to cover what is truly your base, and not "what people expect to be necessary and appropriate for you at all times".
I learned, that it helps to reflect on where expectations come from and if they're even mine, or if the voices of other people are talking me down with learned expectations that I never actually actively made a decision over or built my own opinion on!
Me too 🫂 🤗
This is the best TED talk I’ve seen in a long, long time. Thank you for sharing this with us.
the compassionate and realistic ideas in this Talk made me cry. neurotypical people, and people without mental illness, have no idea how hard doing these things can actually be. it can feel much like drowning. a thousand thanks for helping so many people change their narrative and feel empowered! ☀
KC was one of the first creators I discovered on TikTok and she radically changed the way I view my world and myself. "What do I need to get through tomorrow?" is the best tool I have on days when everything is too much, and since I've started employing it, I have more good days than I've had in years.
Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m 23, living on my own, and I work from home full time. It feels like I’m failing when I don’t clean especially since I’m at home and have it easier than others who need to be out of their home 8-10 hours and then come home and feel exhausted from a commute. I have always wanted to be super organized and clean and perfect, and it’s hard to allow yourself to be a human sometimes. Thank you.
Be good to yourself (I'm telling myself the same).
As someone who has worked from home and has had a commute, sometimes working while being my house leaves more of a mess than when I had a commute
Start with throwing all the rubbish in the bin then take that to the outside bin, put the bin out for collection.
That’s enough for today.
Tomorrow just wash the dishes or put in the dishwasher.
Next day wash one load and dry one load.
Following day do a grocery shop.
One chore a day helps - you’ll be surprised.
Sobbing. I’ve followed KC on TikTok for more than a year and her voice in my head has helped me let up on myself enough to be able to do *just one more thing* than I’ve been able to do before, over & over again. More therapists should listen to and learn from her. Thank you KC.
She is one of the first Tiktokers I followed last year, and her advice and compassion have helped me shift my negative mindset into a more accepting and loving perspective. She is a phenomenal example of how vulnerability and authenticity can truly change the world. Kudos to an excellent TedTalk! I hope it goes viral, because everyone needs to hear this message!
I actually needed this. Self-compassion shouldn't be a novelty.
I've been listening to this over and over in the last few days.
I always start to cry around 11:00, and not stop until the end. And I think this legitimately will make me live a lot longer.
Now, when I'm late, and look at a crossing, I will hear, in her voice, "you deserve safety." And i don't risk running through the crossing. I wait until the light is green. And it works when i debate if i should eat and it just worked when i was at the pharmacy. I have medicine now. It will last till the new year and a bit longer.