3 Quick Ways To Fix An Argument
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- Опубліковано 15 жов 2024
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Today we're talking about how to fix an argument. Here are 3 simple ways to mend the damage - or pre-empt an argument before it even happens.
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i never comment anything,.... but omg this guy is trying to lift a new generation of people who want a steady ,psychologically stable, and less emotionally bagaged relationships. May God bless him on his way to do this... he has gained another fan today.
Me too! Three years later!
Agreed
Deal in the present moment... best way
Amen, God bless him more and bless us all!!!
my doctor said im unstable what you sayin,
thats racist
i identify as an apache helicopter fam
1. Diffuse the confusion quickly. Ask yourself: How do I diffuse it NOW? 2. Deal with the issue instead of piling things up and explode. 3. Resist the urge to hurt the other one! Don't cut them to see if you matter to them.
I think Matthew means " defuse"
But thank you for the notes. : )))
@@deflepfollowerI’m so dyslectic i always thought it was diffuse 😂 thanks for letting us know it’s defuse. 30 something years and I keep thinking it’s diffuse 😅
When I was watching loads of Matthew's videos 6 years ago, I was in an abusive and manipulative relationship. I came to Matthew's channel to try and "fix" our relationship because I was desperate for answers. I remembered today that I used to come and watch this video a lot. For anyone in the same situation as me who's looking for a sign, here is your sign: break up with your abusive partner! You deserve better!
Who’s here because they just had an argument with their girl...
Too Vexx Here
then you must really care for her and your relationship, this is nice, keep it up
Me too im worried about it
Me right now
😂😂😂😂 ugh.....lol ditto 🙄
1. Diffuse the situation quickly.
2. Don't give in to the urge of piling on. Stick to original issue.
3. Don't cut your partner.
You should never let any arguments left unfinished before the night ends and ending your partner with heartaches. In a relationship you should learn how to set aside your pride and admit your fault. It's not about who's wrong or right, it's about maintaining the relationship healthy and strong.
Nah I don’t like this one- I feel the times where I’ve left it for a day to cool down and come back has been much better for the both of us because it gives us more time to think over what happened and what matters more than our negative feelings/emotions. I never like to go to bed feeling upset, but theres nothing I can do about it if my partner is feeling uncomfortable with continuing
Yes exactly this doesn’t always work because if your disagreement was late at night you might not have really processed or calmed down enough before approaching the other persons on
That's actually a really nice advice thank you.
Its not easy when you try but the other refuses to let you live it down. Apologize, try to make solutions, ask for solutions. Its not enough for some people despite the efforts. Its almost like they'd just prefer you be someone else.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED! Thank you!
3 Ways to Fix an Arguement?
1. Defuse the Situation Quickly (*How do I defuse it NOW? > To move the Situation Forward)
2. Deal with the issue and not Pile On all the evidence you can (True Credibility, comes from sticking with the Original Thing that botherd you and explore that)
3. Deal with the Issue at hand (Resist the urge to hurt the other person)
*We want to cut sb cause we want to see if it affects them, because if it affects them we' ll feel important again.
*When you cut sb, it becomes sth that's hard to reverse.
My girlfriend left me because I talked poorly of her parent and I regret it. Also, every time I got into an argument I ended up saying something snarky and it added up. She ended things explaining she needs time to get over these hurtful things I've said in arguments. I obviously regret everything I said. Not because I want her back, but because I hurt someone I loved very much. Going forward, I will be sure to learn how to think very carefully before speaking. ESPECIALLY during a heated discussion/argument. I do have A.D.D but I know this isn't a proper excuse. However, I've learned from other people who have A.D.D have a hard tie NOT just blurting out what is on their mind. Instead of slowing down our thoughts and thinking carefully before responding.
wow, this really had me analyzing my own conflict solving behavior....thank you so much Matthew.
Been Watching 5 videos straight, completely brilliant.
Literally in tears rn because that's exactly how I should deal with my situation that I have atm. You literally spoke to me in so many levels, thank You Matthew ❤️
Omg, I feel horrible. I do all those things. My boyfriend always especially had an issue with me piling on, saying that all that stuff was in the past, and I didn't listen to him cos like you said, I was using it as evidence against him. But now that you've said it's wrong, I will listen. Hahaha.
most of us have been there., :) we just have to learn from our mistakes., *wink*
Me too, but I'll change from tonight. Because if the positions were switched, I wouldn't want someone piling on me either
yeah because you are hurt and you are trying to communicate that hurt but instead you wanna cut that person and make them feel as hurt as you do!
My boyrfiend does that to me and I cant explain it without him accusing me of being "defensive" and uncompassionate. It is very hurtful when people assume your feelings and use the past against you when youre trying to give solutions.
This was so needed. My boyfriend and I got into an argument through text before he went into work and had to stop talking about it because he can't text much at his job due to the workload. I hated leaving things there, but understood that we couldn't let the argument progress and am glad he set that boundary. I had so many things I wanted to say and wrote it all down, but while festering, decided to look up how to effectively argue online and am glad I did. Some of what I had written was great, but some of it was purely to cut and that is the last thing I want to do. Thank you for this and raising my awareness.
I grew up with a dad who would just blow up and storm out, and that's how I learned to "resolve" conflict- just leave. It has taken literally decades to learn how to argue constructively (btw, my dad hung up on me and stopped speaking to me years ago. Nice guy.)
You're not always going to agree on everything, so I've had to figure out how to disagree without destroying the relationship. Taking a time out to calm down is a must, but that can't be done in a car...Haven't figured that one out yet. :/
SJ get whoever’s driving to pull up somewhere and take a moment to just step out the car and get some fresh air. Helps you calm down then when you’re both calm hip back in the car and just do silence until you get to where you’re going before you try to talk then you can put full focus on the situation
I shared your video on Facebook, because I think everyone deserves to know how to handle these types of situations. You're such a well-spoken and knowledgeable person, keep it up Matthew!
ugh! yes, I've experienced and committed each of these errors. the stacking up, for me is because my hubby never demonstrated remorse, and worse, he continues to commit the cuts.
I'm in the process of dissolving this relationship, and I want a future partner who will be more inline with my standards, which means I need to live up to my standards and learn to cut loose from the guys who clearly are not for me!
very insightful. i cried on your last statement on being noble and brave coz it's just so hard to do it sometimes. but i always need to do to maintain a healthy relationship. thank u.
jennifer ann cervantes . . awwww🙄 must say its really brave if yure doing that
coz i mostly make all the mistakes that he counted
So did I 🥺
Just had an argument with my girl, I didn’t even realise I had said something that cut her until you mentioned it. Thank you Matthew for informing me and I will work on being better for her
For some reason I've always been kinda like my friend's recurrent 'love advisor' and yet, I often find it hard to find relationship advise for myself. Thank you for your great advise. the respect and love you guys put into your videos, and thank you for making love and relationships an important matter because it is. Love from Spain!
Matthew looks like a Disney prince. Look at that hair.
freetobeme03 lol he does have nice hair
Hahaha!
He really does have nice hair.
He could be the prince from tangles
Tangled
I think the woman who gets Matthew to commit to her is beyond lucky. I think he's attracted to confident, intelligent and strong women.
Idk... he is VERY in his head. Letting love in means being open with your emotions...
Mary Jones Camilla Cabello
So are most men! Bimbos are just window dressing!
Camila Camello
He’s a simp
You're a combination of Daniel Radcliffe and Ryan Gosling!!! #HowToGetMatthewHussey
Spot on lol!!!!
Katrina Mae Daniel Radcliffe is kind of weird looking... lets just stick to Ryan Gosling lol
Katrina Mae good im not the only one that has said it
Katrina Mae right !
My thoughts exactly
damn right ! diffusing the argument on the spot is definitely a hard thing to do !! it takes a whole lot of you to gather up that courage and confront the person for sure. If they dont see that they clearly dont value the relationship as much as you do. Never settle for less.
passionately delivered. Matthew, I can see that you were feeling the pain of that situation at that moment. Thank you for sharing x
I love your healthy and true advices. I have been married for 40 years & continue to be happy with the same man. What you said in this clip is so true. I hope that young people follow your advice. Gabriella
My last relationship was a rude experience for me, I started analyze. I realize that i was losing my time with one person that hurt my feeling all the time and to revenge I did hurt him too. Hurt other person is losing time. Thank youuuu! see your videos confirmed what I learn with my 34 years. Never late to learn.. You are great, God bless you.
Silvana P. Oliveira i am going through such a relationship. where he keeps hurting me. . he may not b doing it consciously though. . n i do take revenge. what d yu suggest. .should i stay in it. . or jump out ??
Oh Aqua Girl its very complex, you need ask yourself what kind of relationship you want, then why I'm in this relationship, are you happy etc ask yourself questions like that. Be yourself, stand up for yourself, say no when you want to. I don't think is good revenge I know I did too but we just waste our time and plus is bad for healthy (righ cortisol) etc..Don't feel guilty if nothing hold you to stay with him, don't allow him or other man hurt you, if someone do that just ignore and stay away, first love yourself and be happy without boyfriend too. Sorry my message is long. Be with a man that listen to your needs and make you feel special. God bless you.
ohh no,, its just the length i needed. . thnx for the advice, it really matters
Aqua Girl welcome.
Aqua Girl I dunno if u're still in this situation, but my personal advice is that it's so so much better to get out of that kinda relationship instead of stooping to a lower level (like revenge), otherwise u become a kinda person that u don't wanna be. And u never get the great relationship u really want...I broke up with a bf who was really insecure so always trying to make me jealous, and a few months later I met my current boyfriend who is so doting and loving to me. If ur in a destructive rship, i think u should leave and have faith u can do much better and be much happier.
this is so true., especially the third part., what's the point of hurting the other person??., it doesn't make you any better at all., :)
You are cute can I get your number
You explained everything on point. I just now had a huge weight off my shoulder because I started to feel more open about my feelings towards him and the things that bothered me about him and asking why he did it. Now I feel more secure and confident. And even more so with this video! You have been very helpful, thanks Matthew!
I think it's better to take a timeout because, when we get triggered by something, we often switch to fight or flight mode, so we're not going to be able to think very rationally. You can say, "I feel triggered and I need some timeout to think." That way, they won't feel abandoned or wondering what we're doing during that time apart.
This is the most SPOT ON! advice I have heard to date. I'm speechless.... Excellent
THANK YOU, this would help me a lot, not the first 2 but i have a problem with the last one because I sometimes become too open and maybe seeming honest at that moment in the heat but actually i dont feel or think that way ..not cutting or not hurting is important and i do this to the people i care and love most... and even to myself i used to do.. ive finished it with myself im kinder to me, now its time for my other relationships family close friends and friends :) thanks with love...
Dilara ÇINAREL 这一＂
He's such a great person. He always knows what to say and how to say it. We really need more people like him.
And this is such simple logic, but the way you describe it actually shows how people work. So helpful!
This stuff is so important. We'll never be able to learn it properly until the situations needing this wisdom come up. Here's hoping we all make some better choices in the future for our relationships. Thank you!!!
PREACH! This couldn't be more true.
Matthew you are the best at giving direction to couples on social media. And there are many relationship people.
if only had i watched this before the arguments took place. Cant turn back time to be able to change it. The damage is done - for both sides not just mine im afraid
I know how u feel..... 😦
kadiriyea 😋 i feel happy about it. . he always kept hirtin n i hurt him in return
Aqua Girl that’s not the way to go. You just end the relationship if it’s like that
kadiriyea you can’t turn back time but you can still talk and try and start fresh
you could apologise?
Matt, thank you, I needed to hear this! Is there any chance you could put arabic subtitles on this? I know a long shot, my husband is Tunisian and will not understand most of this but I think it would benefit our marriage greatly if he could just listen to you, alone and think. Thank you again, your videos make difference!
I fucking love your advice man. So many life lessons from you!
I totally agree. My boyfriend (of a year) just broke up with me because he felt the arguing was too much for him. (He thought we should argue less than once every six months.) For me it was a shock because I thought we might have been a little rocky recently but it was normal. But I am starting to realize that while I wanted to diffuse the situation and communicate during the argument, he would always walk away and just internalize every single word I said during each argument we ever had. And it turned into resentment. I understand he didn't want to hurt me but I wish he would have just discussed it there and then. But I am totally at fault too, I definitely tried to apologize after the damage was done. Live and learn. (Still suffering from the heartbreak though, any advice welcome.) Thank you for this video!
Hey Foley. Don’t feel bad. Your boyfriend sounds a bit like my girlfriend. The thing is, with my girlfriend it’s impossible to diffuse the situation quickly because she needs space and absolutely hates me in that moment. After a few hours she comes back and usually apologises but if I try and force diffusing the situation is just wont work and makes it worse because she has told me when she is mad she wants to be left alone. What im saying is, you should not blame yourself for being to late to fix things with your boyfriend. He might have even needed space because some people can’t deal with arguments in the moment. I do know your feeling though. A lot of times I argue with my girlfriend I’m left wondering what went wrong, picking apart the wording I used etc and half blaming myself. Dont blame yourself and do never apologise unless you absolutely were in the wrong
Knightmare can I get some tips on how did you defuse your fights if your girl wants space??
what you were saying was exactly what i was doing last night and i feel bad coz i literally said i dont want him in my life anymore, as a best friend. god i need to give him a hug
omg the piling on things? this is me, i got it from my passive agressive momma and here i am doing the same. I didn't learn how to express anger, i had to repress it and now I still struggle to unlearn that. Im so slow at validating that I angry and allowing myself to be, and I try to rationalize it, until I feel legitimized to say something. instead of simply expressing the feeling as it come. And this goes hand in hand with my difficulty to say no, to set up boundaries and stand up firmly for myself. Y'all don't know how much I want to change that. Healing from abuse and gaslighting takes forever so I need to push myself strongly, bc I ll always have some parts of me that feels broken and powerless, so I need to embrace my emotions and do me no matter where my journey takes me
I think the most destructive thing someone can do is the "pull away" and now they add insecurity and abandonment wounds onto what was a simple fight.
It's absolutely not ok to casually discard people, silent treatment or threaten to leave the connection as a power move.
It's so damaging and that becomes worse than anything said in the fight.
Never fall for people repeatedly leaving or pulling away. They'll never stop and take all your dignity chasing after them.
If you are the abandoner person and you don't mean to hurt someone - the best thing to do is apologise and show consistent healing actions that you are emotionally safe.
When you pull away you damage the trust and the person may not be vulnerable with you again.
You need to prove with actions you won't leave just because you had a fight, and if you need to take space communicate CLEARLY when you will come back & timing.
It is absolutely not fair to dangle someone inevitably and make them jump your hoops when you feel like talking or seeing them.
Be proper and compassionate. Treat people with respect and dignity.
Awesome!! I'm a Pastoral Counselor, Marriage and Relationship oriented. Great Advice!!
OUTSTANDING SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREAT points that I will try my best to follow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i spoke to my boyfriend last night as he said something i thought was quite belittling. He then said il never do that again cause i'm gone, he packed up his belongings, i tried to get him to sit down and talk rationally, he then piled on things and i was shocked as we had, had a wonderful weekend away and day and he then walked out on me. :( said we were finished. I am at a loss what to do
Coming across your video posts is one of the most transforming experiences I have had via the internet. The logic and rationality behind every statement makes it very palatable. And I appreciate that your points are organized and eloquent. Most of all I love that these advices are applicable in nearly all aspects of my life. In the last few weeks I have been able to make some changes with solid foundation ( a fair probability that they will take root) and I am seeing immediate results in certain areas (this works well with my need for immediate gratification). Thank you! I hope the universe sends your way all that you are putting into it with interest. Ciao.
This is some of the best advice I have ever heard, thank you so much!
Always on point! Thanks for the accurate on-the-nose advice!
Trust me you are so right, i just messed up big time and hopefully your video has made me realize and I apologized for what wrong I did and wish she just forgives me
DR ORDIA was able to bring back my ex wife and it works very fast and I believe he can solve your relationship problems too 💤💤
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Matthew, you are awesome.all your advises are so meaningful.
Love you😘
You described perfectly how I argue! Thank you for putting it in that light.
My Dad used to say that they don't give classes in relationships - whenever someone he knew would make mistakes therein. This information seems priceless to me.
Incredible insight! I've just found your channel today. I really needed this. Thank you.
Just came across this and I just want to really say thank you. I’ve realized how I do too pile stuff on and I hope this will help me help out my relationship
Thank you i learned a lot on how to not argue like what you said , I have to learn to manage to be the brave one in the relationship and talk about the problems instead of just not saying anything.
Omg this is beautiful, thank you 🙏🏻 it is really the hardest to get over when you are the one being hurt but not defending yourself and help switch the situation. That need a lot of wisdom and a brave heart ❤️ I hope I learn about this when I was a kid, I spend most of the time standing in front of my parents to wait for the whole argument to end.😂😅🤣
This Matthew Hussey I❤️Radio podcast ought to be required relationship learning for life.
It's amazing to me that some people need to be taught that hurting the person you love is wrong and damaging.
Thank you. Diffuse. Speak up. Don't create issues, warm up to each other instead!! Don't be mean, just give each other LOVE.
I believe this also cut across our relationship with people as well whether friendship, family, colleagues etc
I just have realised why my beloved M. broke up with me. Thank you, Matthew, realising this was the best thing that has happened to me today. Whole in tears.
I’m in a massive argument with my roommate, he hurt me a lot by his words which were totally unrelated to the actual original issue brought up. I couldn’t agree more with #2 more.
Wow, that was a very clarifying and encouraging video. I hope I will have a chance to put it in use in my life.
that put alot of light on my problem, i cant cope with rejecting long time outs(imposed on me by the bf before im acting upset and before he tells me what is wrong), i start stacking and then im cutting. this has been happening now for every 4 days for 7mos, i trashed this relationship, but now what? damage done- and he has no where to go
It's so simple and so brilliant.
Cut the overanalyzing .
Why can't I find a guy like you, Matthew????
Love this 💯 Thank you
Fairly new in my relationship never had to deal with arguments.
1. Defuse the situation the moment you feel uncomfortable. Don’t wait until you and your loved one both get cold.
2. Don’t pile everything on to legitimize your argument. True credibility doesn’t comes from piling every evidence possible true. True credibility comes from sticking to the original thing that bothered you and exploring that.
3. In your angered prideful state, you feel hurt and pain and you feel stubborn and don’t want to give in. Your instinct is to inflinct pain. You don’t just wanna argue that you are right, you wanna cut the other person to see whether you matter to them. But what you do is just damaging the other person which is hard to reverse. So resist the urge to be cutting with your words.
this has been a great advice that i needed, only if it came 2 weeks ago.. now that i watched this i found that i did all the three mistakes.. and its ruining my relationship with the one person i want to be with, so where do i go from here? how can i fix this and go back the way it is..
what do you say?, or how do you approach the diffusion phase? like if they were staring at someone like the example you gave, how do you diffuse it then? thanks for the video is really insightful. greetings.
joselina Ubau the moment you get a chance just calmly talk to them about it in private. Just bring it up and say you’re not comfortable with what happened or whatever. It’s hard but it’s so much better in the long run
That is very true Matthew! We do have to resist urge to do all three of these things but you’re right it is so hard. And by the way, you are so incredibly beautiful! I had to say that lol I know that you hear that all the time. Anyway, have a great day and keep up the good work helping people
1-difuse quickly 2- resiste the urge to pile alone 3-resist the urge to be cutting with your words and hurt the other person. Thx Matthew.
this video just validated the change i did was correct,, however, i feel scared that if i become softer, he will take advantage of it and keep doing mistakes that will hurt me. dont get me wrong, this guy is a truly loyal man,,, its just the high attention standard i received from my previous ex's i used to get,, but its my fault for keep comparing... i just on my side, wanted the same or even better....still figuring out how to restructure myself on how to not depend my happiness based on attention.
I really thankGod i watched this vdeo! This man is soo soo correct. I just jad a bad fight with him yesterday night and rn i do realise that i made the same mistakes.
I had yo watch this!! Thnx Sir!!
This is so true! Thanks Matt
Okay allow me tell an incident to all of you , We went for holidays to LA it was the second day of our tour and since the beginning i'd spotted this guy my age who was such a good charachter and i felt attracted to him , we were in the universal studios and my sister kept flirting with him and that annoyed me soo much that when she even sat with him leaving me alone in a ride i made it an issue by being grump all day long . I was annoyed with her for good 3 days or more . I made her feel guilty for not sitting with me and i thought doing that to her made me feel satisfied , now i know i was wrong !
THANK YOU SOOO MUCH , MATTHEW !
LOVE YOU ! ❤
My girlfriend and I are currently in a fight. Things started going downhill in our relationship when she started lecturing me whenever I said things. I can't tell you i have a filter, especially when I'm merely joking around and having fun with people. The way she "corrects" me embarrasses me when there are people nearby. Makes me look like a jack or little brat who needs a scolding from their parent. Well, I decided the best thing to do was not talk much around her and others. One day, I'm telling my friends some funny stories, and then she shows up. Suddenly, I'm quiet, and when they tell me to continue my stories, I say I forgot what I was talking about. Another time at a bar, they asked me why I was being so quiet; I couldn't tell them "because my girlfriend's here and I don't want to upset her." I told them I just had a lot on my mind. Eventually, my girlfriend realized that I was only quiet around her and that if I hadn't seen her approach, she would notice me being talkative and outgoing. She asked me in private what was going on. I confessed that I felt obligated to not say much around her so I don't say anything to upset or embarrass her. That, ironically, bugged her. She was all, "That makes me feel bad. What are you trying to say? That I've taken your freedom of speech? That I've completely restricted your ability to be yourself? That I'm just this controlling and ridiculously touchy girlfriend?" Now what did I do? Did I actually say something wrong and insensitive? She told me to tell her why I was silent in her presence. Now I'm the bad guy for trying _not_ to upset her in public and prevent fights?
Thankyou for all these great tips Mathew
You are the MAN you are truly helping me every video I am taking notes and use key information and apply it to my life I would to see more videos from you on relationships please add more so interesting i sat through this video and said wow he is hitting it right on the head
I knew a guy who valued his pride over settling an argument (or over me). It was so ridiculous. He even went as far as trying to guilt trip and gaslight me.
One time I was trying to tell him something about myself and he got so mad because he legit thought I was lecturing him on something. Like no dude, I'm just trying ot open up... now it makes sense in retrospect why I had trouble opening up to him at all...
"you know you can tell me anything ;)"
Yeah no... not really.... with your irrational temper?
There are reasons why I refer to him as "some guy" instead of saying we were together or anything like that. Because anyone would have to be insanely high to consider that a "relationship." Yes, I know he's very psychologically abusive, which is half the reason why.
❤ your words, ❤ you! So happy you are in this world 🌎 to teach & remind me of what's important! Thank you! ❤🔥❤🔥
Hi Matthew,
I've been following your channel and reading your book. I find many things are very helpful. But my question is,what if the person you care about and you are having some conflict that you are not aware of,and the person refuses to communicate with you. How can we deal with that when someone shuts down when they are upset?
It took me so long to figure this out by myself. I am stubborn as hell and I am also very proud so I can be quite horrible to be in an argument with because I am "ALWAYS" right.
But this one time when I finally figured it out I was sitting in me and my boyfriends room thinking about ways I could hurt him next time we would talk, because we live together so I knew it would happen sooner or later.
Then it just hits me that I am not going to be young forever and I am just wasting time sitting here being hateful.
Every waking moment I spent sitting there being angry at him I lost another moment of being close to him and to feeling loved. I also thought of what a great guy he is and how lucky I actually am to have him in my life and all I am doing right now is trying to hurt the man I love? What kind of logic is that?
So I go back to my boyfriend that is still pissed at me for pushing him away and freezing him out and says exactly what I was thinking while sitting in that room, that I was trying to find a way to hurt him when we would go back to try to solve this little issue but now I feel like a complete jackass and now I want to tell him why I was mad and then hear what he has to say about it, so that we together can figure out how to solve it.
Hi Matt,
I love all your videos, and I'm not sure if you already have one or not but would you please make a video blog about concept of time? By concept of time, I am referring to address when women make others, friends, boyfriends, family, etc., wait on them? I have a few other women friends that are always late, and it annoys me as a women and I know it annoys men as well. I believe time is a great subject to discuss. Thanks --Indra
diffuse the situation quickly -> speak up now -> do not become cold but talk about it -> stick with one issue at a time = do not pile on -> do not cut the other person to feel worthy again -> diffuse the situation quickly because it is too late to apologize once you have hurt someone
How do I get him back because he’s distant
I need help.
I just had a fight with my partner. I want to understand if I'm gaslighting and being a bad partner/if I have needs that aren't being met that i need to address with her.
Today I cooked breakfast, while she was on tiktok, then I went grocery shopping, while she said she needed to stay home so she would have time to workout. Then I cleaned the kitchen while she showered and dressed. Then I made lunch, (marinated chicken, grilled it, and cooked rice and made some slaw) while she put her makeup on.
At 4:10 she said "hey where's lunch, I'm gonna be late for work, i said I needed it to be ready by 4pm."
I told her "it's on the grill cooking, what would you like me to do? It's almost done."
We started fighting immediately after and then I was distracted so the chicken burnt. She was upset that I didn't "manage my time well" and I needed to take accountability. I then paid for her uber to get to work with no thank you from her.
She told me I was gaslighting her by turning the focus on my feelings of being triggered for not feeling appreciated, rather than for her feelings of being validated. Is this true? Did I handle this more poorly than I thought? What should I have done instead?
Genius man. Absolute Genius.
Thankyou. I truly needed this.
This is a man with a good face and great mind
Thank you Matthew, I like to watch your videos and listen to your advice. I found this particular video is very helpful for me to understand argument in a relationship. I have recently had a few arguments with my boyfriend. I wish I had watched your video earlier so I don't have to struggle to fix my relationship right now. The aftermath had really put me into a difficult position. My question is if unfortunately I had let myself got into the stage 3 and may had said something hurtful which i regret very much. How can I fix it? I hope you could shed some light on this.
thank you
Cherry
I'm crying and listening to this...
Hi Matthew I really love your advice here. However, I would really like a little more - when you say to defuse the argument before cutting, what is the best high-value way to do that please, a way that leaves both in a win-win position, without either feeling weakened?
Wow. This is amazing advice. Sharing!
I try talking about it but he’s always right. Example: we both worked and I still managed to have his dinner ready and a nice ice cold tang in a narrow bottle that took me forever to get the ice into. I got up to wash my plate and he wiggles the jar at me. I said, I just cooked and made your drink, I’m done, you get your seconds. Then I came back with a jar that I couldn’t open and asked if he could open it and he said he’s done and didn’t open it for me…jerk. He said I just want to argue. Ahhh no I don’t, be considerate cause this goes both ways. Wtf, I’m not your mom. Then he threw it in my face that he didn’t ask me to cook for him but he expects it or he looks disappointed when I don’t cater to him. He has never made me a meal. I cook big dishes and I still work and pay the bills. He holds on to his money and complains if he has to pitch in a damn cent. I’m just gonna not cook anymore. Let him eat a bologna sandwich or a weenie in a tortilla like he makes when I’m not here. Am I wrong?
The comment about the damage that can be done in seconds that remains long after the argument is so true - I thought Id found the man I'd marry until some incredibly cruel cutting personal attacks changed things for ever... I never felt the same about him, even if he felt the same about me .... ruined.
The bravest thing is to diffuse the argument at the point where you are hurting - BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT ?
be like "look , there is no relevance in making matters worse I'm sorry please forgive me ill try not to offend you furthermore" say the last part even if you feel you aren't in the wrong this will make it easier for someone to see if they were wrong because when someone is arguing with you all they are thinking is how can i justify my statement so pretty commonly they wont take the time to evaluate matters but when you defuse the matter when in the right they could take time to evaluate if they were in any wrong but although i do believe it is important to defuse a argument if there are misunderstandings you should make them straight instead of just being like " i'm sorry" because it can infuriate someone that you arent taking responsibility for something even if you may not have had a clearness for them to evaluate what really happened. hope this helps , good luck everyone !
Helena Hayes Make the issue not a deal breaker. Make a joke. Solve what you can and make a date to address the rest later. Offer to argue as if it's 50 years later (let's you see if it's important). Pretend you gotta go pee. Answer your phone (even if it is not ringing). Start making out. Anything to break the tension in the moment.
U r amazing! I love ur wisdom I am growing with every video I watch! X
Golden words!
But did he actually explain how to get out of or fix an argument? He sort of said dont make things worse, but did I miss him telling us how to fix it.
Helena Hayes he told u which path to follow and now u need to walk through it.
How can someone tell you THE way to fix an argument when there are countless situations that require their own fixes/paths to follow? There just is no "the way", that would be very easy then ;)