Agreed. That’s super my mom. Realized this super late and the damage is way too severe for me to fix. I was naive and an idiot. Now, I’m implanting the truth to my mind every single day to cancel her in every breath I take.
This is why I teach my sons and daughters to take their time with potential romantic interests. Keep your distance for quite a while. Enjoy their company but reserve yourself while you deliberately observe them in many situation.
and this is precisely why the abusive con artist wants to *rush* into things, to blindside someone before they can see what they are... yep! taking time to get to know each other isn't a concept the abuser/con artist will tolerate.
@@athanaisdcunfortunately, my intelligent sadistic, narcissistic psychopathic ex, and I don't claim that lightly, was very patient, but he also lovebombed my whole family and friends at a time we did not have that term or understanding. I had friends from countries who took kissing very seriously and thought that men should ask them to marry in six months as they take relationships and marriage seriously. I delayed marriage, thinking he would appreciate it, not knowing he would resent me for it and second guessing myself. He didn't rush me at all for sex (which would later become an abuse in itself) and was very patient, easy going, loving, very funny, generous, and gentle. I had already been in a bad relationship. His aunt set us up. I had known her two years. He always knew he was going to hurt me and take advantage of me. He wanted a wife and children to look normal so he could lead his double life undetected and distance himself from his unknown past. Once we had children I was trapped because I had to stay to protect them from being alone with him, but I kept comparing to the abusive experience I had previously and thinking it wasn't possible to have met two people this dark. I didn't fully comprehend, I was so naive. Now I recognize I was exposed to this as a child too, in extended family, teachers, and classmates. They develop this early and my parents were teaachers and my beautiful, loving, capable, positive mum wanted peace and was a people-pleaser. I could not be as good as her. I was taught to question my own part. My dad could not see evil. He was a very loving person and teacher. It was good for teaching, but we didn't have terms like narcissism as a scientific term, NPD or realize it in my grandfather and my aunt. However, they were not psychopathic, but charming and decent and my grandpa had great integrity in his public life in the same way that the real, full blown narcissists and psychopaths are decent and charming when they are reeling you in and fooling you and everyone around you, which makes it very hard to admit when they start treating you otherwise covertly, and it is such a scary, unsettling disappointment, but one which must be tackled head on. No one will believe you and it gets very dark very fast once they know you know. Don't tell them what you know. Plan.
I'm convinced there are more narcissists walking around on the planet today, then in the whole history of existence on the planet. We are truly living on the planet of the narcs, guard your boundaries with your life.
I think social media has played a role in this since it encourages and rewards prideful behaviors. In the past, anyone with a few narcissistic tendencies might have had some family or community pressure on them to demonstrate humility. Today, that doesn't matter. What matters is how many likes they get from their followers on social media. So now, they let their narcissism shine to the fullest.
Women love attention! In my experience with several narcissists in pursuit of me, they are very consistent in the beginning-trying to see you or contact you everyday! Consistency does wonders in capturing a woman’s heart. The love bombing feels good and their goal is to get you in bed so you can have a soul tie with them and be stuck with them. That part never works because I am abstinent until marriage. Sometimes I don’t even have to reveal this. I just blocked another narcissist after two weeks of their crazy nonsensical behavior! I took a liking to the “good” things about him but it’s not worth my sanity dealing with someone that’s broken. Never settle ladies. You deserve a healthy relationship with a healthy man!
This is excellent and true. It’s not normal attention though, it’s excessive bordering on creepy obsessive attention and you feel it. It feels off, and they will always make those tiny cutting remarks that you can easily miss or that they will pass off as jokes (careful though, the covert Narc will not do that, they’ll insult themselves). Good men don’t make jokes about women. You’ll feel it in your gut. A normal level of attention is ok, the borderline excessive attention is where women get caught and have forgotten how to differentiate.
Just choosing to be abstinent till marriage isn't always enough. They will do criminal and and insane things to get it to that point. Don't think that just because you're abstinent you have some kind of high ground.
@@pieceofmind2623 Agree. That's why we gotta teach our kids at home. When I finish my A levels, I'll study psychology, and I'll probably have the most credibility teaching my kids about narcissists, because my kids then can't deny "my mom is a psychologist, she knows what she's talking about."
I escaped from a DV situation from a sociopath too, you and I know how heavy and horrific dealing with that can be! May I inquire as to where you met your new man? I need pointers as to where to start to find my mr right! I've been trawling reddit to see where other people met their partners on posts from single people in my city also looking for their mr right too!
In this world verify everything. Meet people in real life and vet carefully. Date like a detective. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. When you meet a shark in the dating pool swim away. Discernment. Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Slow roll all relationships! Narcs don’t have a long attention span and their grandiosity won’t allow themselves to be a pursuer for too long as it’s ego insulting to them. They’ll move on and show you who they are.
Not ture. Some narcs find a target, and hang on for 29 years. With biological children, in the middle, you cannot actually get away completely. Big mess. Family court is dysfunction 101 + abuser = victim trapped.
@@cathycoryell2351 oh I understand this very well after a 16yr marriage and 4 kids. But I’m willing to bet the beginning of your relationship, just like mine, was filled with lovebombing and they moved themselves into your life very quickly. And I’ve had female friendships that started the same way and they always had an ulterior motive. So my number 1 tip is to take all relationships slowly, especially the ones you want to last. People will show you who they are but you have to have enough physical and emotional space to see the flags and narcs know this so they try to bond and attach quickly (tell you about their childhood wounding etc) so that you’re lead by your emotionality and not your rationality.
I’m an INFJ also. I’ve gotten myself into trouble by not listening to my intuition. It has truly never failed me. But I’ve failed myself by not listening.
@@MelW669 infj also. People really don’t get it and it’s hard to explain but when an infj says it’s going to rain, bring an umbrella even if the sky looks clear. 😉
My ex-husband ran off because I told him "no" too many times, asserted my boundaries, and figured he was full of crap. I trusted him until his stories didn't match, so I tracked him and ran a background on him. Then filed for divorce, just when he thought he could crawl back thinking I would be begging for his love. I must be a different kind of woman. I saw my dad be dishonest to his mom, my mom's, and his ex-wives and girlfriends. Once I catch dishonesty, I am going to do a background on patterns. The lesson learned here, is to do the background first before you get serious in a relationship. It's a big time and money saver.
Good for you girl! I am glad for you And it seems you found the way to do the checking but than to allow to trust if the check is positive. I got so distrustful and can't now get the chill side of me back. Tbh. I miss the chilled, maybe naive part of me. But never going back.
Yes it's good to be aware of this stuff. For me looking back at toxic relationships, there were warning signs that I ignored, and I understand them more now and myself better.
Yes yes...u can pay and pull that report IT'S A MUST DO!!!!! Always important especially since we have the ability to do so...but people really don't be thinking about that at all smh I was one of them✋🏽
Actually finding out every town they lived in, county and city arrest records and court rulings after adjudication is public knowledge, therefore free. You get more indepth information than the abridged version you get from a data mining company like Intellius that overcharge. Use your brain and do the digging. It tells more of the story. You can check driver's license status once they get a speeding ticket, because some public court records list their DL#'s. If you've ever shared assets, you can run a credit check on them and find out all the naughty financial issues they didn't tell you about. Use your head ladies. Knowledge is the power of making the informed decisions of cutting those manipulative users off. We got better things to do with our time.
It is not just intimate relationships, it can also be doctors, religious leaders, coaches, and even therapists, who often take advantage of the vulnerable personality. An example: I watched a podcast of family members from various families talking about a cancer doctor from the middle east who came to America to work. He told people they had cancer and placed them on serious drugs for treatment, when in truth they were not ill. Many died from the treatment. 🤨
Yes a psychiatrist drugged and raped me....after chasing me for 3 years......and an eye doctor conned me that was love of his life yet he was lieing.. 1 has been indicted......1 is being investigated for coercion Be careful of the medial industry.
Where I live there are many doctors from the middle east. They are all horrible. They love to think they are God and like to tell people they're going to die. They were determined to off my husband when he was diagnosed with cancer and did nothing to treat him. They got my husband to believe them and he is dead now at 57. A nurse online here çonfirmed what I knew....5here are sociopaths and psychopaths working in hospitals.
After multiple failed relationships, I have spent the last few years alone. I needed to see my behavior and understand why I ignored my gut instincts. I am the definition of an empath. So, I have been a target for narcissists and sociopaths for decades. I have had enough. Lesson learned. I’m happier alone. Thank you for sharing this invaluable information! 🙌
I am the same. Allthough I think I will step on the wagon again if a 'normal' woman comes by. I think I will be able to have a happy relationship. But I am not gonna search with apps or whatever tools. If I comes it's OK. Otherwise it's also OK.
Lisa I've watched almost every single podcast from Andrew on youtube. You not only asked him the most unique questions ive heard him be asked, but also asked questions that i feel he genuinely saw as good questions he enjoyed engaging in. Absolutely great work.
After I married my ex husband I never trusted him. After we got married he told me that sex was me, not him…His boundary was I wasn’t allowed to have sex unless he came to me… That was a red flag to me. Over the yrs he used sex to punish me… So if he would normally want sex once a month & I made him upset he would make me wait another month. I learned not to try to seduce him through him slapping my hand. He was a huge gaslighter as well! He treated me like a child, one that he didn’t like lol. We were married for 30 yrs. He never told me that I was beautiful or smart. No credit for anything that I did. He took all the credit for our home projects . He was stoic & showed no compassion for my suffering , not even when I lost my parents. I had to be very methodical to get him to divorce me bc he was very good at looking perfect to the world. We’ve been divorced for 3 yrs & I’m so at peace being alone. I’m 58 & I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be in another relationship again!
OMG your husband sounds mentally disturbed. I am so glad you escaped his clutches. Be careful of going from the frying pan into the fire.. a rebound relationship can bring another dangerous type to you. Take another few years to be single until you fully recover from your ex husbands abuse. After awhile you'll seriously enjoying being single and free from hassle and enjoy friends and hobbies. Be safe always. Be happy now and live your best life. God bless 🙌
@@sarahmurphy-nf4yl Thank you for your kind supportive words! It has been 3 yrs since our divorce. I just got back into working out & it feels great! I’m taking care of my mental & physical health! I’m not sure if I could ever be with a man again. I’m very content being alone! I’m at peace for the first time in my life! I don’t need the porn addiction or any womanizing that men justify bc they’re men lol. I date occasionally & it’s very disappointing to say the least! My BS detector goes off a lot! 😂 I really just prefer to have guy friends without any sex… no extra benefits here! In my mind I think it would be nice to find love & not be alone but my body says hell no… I’m a Christian so I seek God for truth & he always tells me when a man isn’t right for me. He told me before I got married to Jim but I was only 24 & I didn’t understand that God was warning me, but I’m 58 today and now I listen to God’s warnings! God bless you as well! ❤️
Your ex husband sounds like he had heavy narcissistic traits with some sadistic tendencies. You are lucky to be rid of him. Rebuild your life and get to know anyone over a long period of time. Spend time discovering what you like to do and make some friends. Good luck! 🤞
One of the first things I do on dates is asking guys, "Tell me about your relationship history". If they things like, "she was crazy", it's a hard nope. I also ask if where they contributed to the downfall of the relationship. If they answer with no self reflection, again hard nope. It's hard to reject those who you really want to like. Like yourself and your peace more.
How ever if the person has been victimized by a narc. There is often not two sides to the story. Often they have done everything in the world to make it work. They may have only contributed to the downfall of the relationship by being naive in the first place, not feeding the narc. What he/she wants any more, and finally figuring out what they are all about..
Well, I'm flattered. A guy I was dating who turned out to be a sociopath (by the CIA's definition here) told me I was hard to get to know. I was a little insulted, and partly confused, but now I'm super flattered.
OH MY GOSH! Thank you, Lisa for bringing Andrew on!! I just ended a relationship with an ex-CIA guy!! Like a for-real CIA guy. Had people and family all back it up. I now realize just how naive I was to ALL 4.5 years of his sh!t! He would do or say something that was a red flag. I’d either take a break , only later to get roped back in. OR, even worse, “push” through it like it was just a bad day. My best friend just died and he was upset I threw off his plans for the holiday weekend. No, “I’m sorry for your loss,” or, “How are you doing?” Nothing! I was never more than a target to feed his narcissism. And thank you to Andrew for being willing to put this out there!!! MUCH needed information, especially for women of all ages!
Vulnerability is beautiful, but when a guy gets mad because you’re not vulnerable that’s a huge red flag go run. If this person doesn’t understand that maybe you’ve been hurt badly and you need to go slow then they’re not worth your time.
vulnerability is EARNED. trust is earned. when they want to start chipping away to get to that too early in, they are just trying to break in to damage you and take from you. i have always said, its funny how most men will go around agreeing that "men" are all liars and cheaters... but then most men also get pissed off when we don't put a religious-like faith in them instantly. if they aren't willing to slowly get to know you and earn the trust, they are not to be trusted.
"being hurt badly" especially familialy from early childhood or developmental years is the very source traumas that are root causes of cluster b personality disorder trauma psychological coping mechanisms. Getting mad is factually not a correct response, however, If vulnerability and intimacy is not the direction observably being moved towards in an interpersonal relationship, it is factually a self sabotaging behavioral pattern to the relationship.
OMG when he said " if he makes you feel that everything is your fault, he is part of the 10 %" that hit me hard. That and the conditions on affection. My ex did both of those. But, that first one. Wow! I could never be right. Everything was my fault, not matter what I did. Once I figured that out, I was on my way out the door soon after.
That person is my mother. Nothing is ever her fault. She is never wrong. I can barely have a conversation with her on the phone now as she immediately starts telling me why my current state is wrong. She reduces everything I think or feel to nothing. Yet, I can't just walk away. I know that she was damaged via her childhood. I can see from where she gets this 'quality.' So I stick around, just in very small measures.
Yeah that’s a narcissist for you. It took me 4 years to realize that I was with one. Scary sad and hurtful. I thought we were building something but we weren’t he was just drawing me dry from my light, my love, myself, I was not me when I left quite literally trembling with my mind broken
I grew up in a family full of narcissists and sociopaths, once I see a trait that is in any way recognizable of this type, I will have nothing to do with them. Thank goodness I've never personally gotten involved with these creatures, myself but I have seen the damage they do. Surround yourself with good people and you will be happy.
Yes. Amen. 🙏 People do NOT understand what an insane amount of pain and confusion is associated with this kind of manipulation and unnatural stunted bonding that occurs at the earliest stages of life for the children of cluster B personality types. Narcissistic and histrionic and antisocial… it’s like growing up in a nightmare, but you don’t realize it’s abnormal for so many years…. Thank you for the comment and good luck and God bless. My heart goes out to you.
You are smart to have survived and learned from this so well. You sound incredibly healthy, considering. So many of us walk into the familiarity because we are trapped by the feeling of home, combined with the sense of excitement which is really their thrill at luring us, not realizing it is only the surface charm and not what is under the covers waiting to parasitically predate on and destroy us.
@@pokemonpro8438 Sending you love and healing, my friend. We will be stronger and wiser after walking through the hottest of hells. Only the bravest of souls dare to play this videogame of life, through, hey?
@@pokemonpro8438 Yes, they are very good at pretending to be normal but they can only keep it up for so long. Most people have too much self-pride or integrity to do the things these "people" do to get what they want (to use others). Most people also feel embarrassed about bad behavior, these people do not. I wish you well.
nearly 7 years after a 3 year relationship with a narc and i'm still healing - today, his current girlfriend apologised to me and thanked me for going out of my way to warn her 6 years ago all these years no one believed me, and now it's so ironic that she's the one giving me the validation i needed
Ya these guys can look so nice kind and perfect to the outside world that it make you look like you're the troubled one. Only someone else in a relationship with them really knows. You were lucky to get out and good uou told the girlfriend after you. Well done.
If you ever notice a man who’s exes are all friends, that’s a big red flag he’s an abuser. My friend was with an abuser and couldn’t understand why his ex wife was terrified of him, and she was young so she believed his lie that she had extreme mental issues, is afraid of everyone, and can’t handle leaving the house, and she’s also supposedly a pathological liar. Right. He even told her one day she would be friends with his ex wife. He nearly ended her several times and now she’s close with his ex, who he still targets with filthy emails.
Every vulnerable person, regradless of his/her age or gender, needs to watch this extremely important, informative content in the name of self-protection.
Adding that in the Know, Like, Trust phase, we often “Like” bc the manipulator is mirroring you back to yourself. That’s why they feel like such a soulmate. All manipulation.
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast In this world verify everything. Discernment. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record A background check is a necessity. Trust needs to earned. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Try to find a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. What it boils down to is that women have been made vulnerable by being conditioned to be nice, to people-please. Women put themselves in dangerous situations because they are afraid to be seen as "rude", as Huberman details. And woe be unto her who does not meet societal expectations. Prepare to be torn to shreds by other women. So pick your poison, because once a group of women decides they don't "like" you because you don't behave the way they think you should and go on social media and assassinate your character, you may prefer the killer. Once you quit doing everything others want you to do, have a mind of your own, and start exerting your free will, I think you will find the number climbs from 1 in 10 to 99 out of 100. Take it from someone who has Asperger's, the price of not folding to the will and demands of others is incredibly steep.
Makes you wonder, why is this knowledge not taught in schools, every grade every year till we graduate. Wow, the crap that some people are subjected to by their abusers, what the hell is wrong with the human race..
Women and men need to look at themselves and say no matter how much I failed no matter what I’ve done and how far behind I am I am so worthy of being treated with decent respect and love❤!! don’t ever settle
“Vulnerability is not weakness.” Brilliant statement. If I pay attention to areas that I am vulnerable, I can be prepared for con artist and bad life encounters. I can be a better decision maker, with awareness of my own vulnerabilities.
Its best to remember the percentage of the bad times to recognize the lesson learned why the relationship ended. .Relationship autopsy of your past relationships to determine if there is a pattern. Breaking the cycle. We are a common denominator in our relationships. The Duluth Power And Control Wheel
In this world verify everything. Discernment. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. A stranger can say anything. A background check is a necessity. Fact check. References from people who know him. We commonly are attracted to the familiar. Someone who resembles our childhood caregivers. IMAGO The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast The Mask You Live In Documentary The Science Of Cheating- Maken Murphy podcast Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD podcast. Ive Scanned 250,000 Brains This Is Really How Men Think Dr Daniel Amen and Lisa Biyeu podcast
Yep, I got trapped in their web of lies for > 50 years! Trying to get my devouring mom to cut the umbilical cord, and hoping in vain both my mom and malignant narc sister would become milder over the years. However, these inhuman souls are black and there is a false self. They want to win at the costs of your health and their claimed to be love is conditional as long as you are their doormat. You can't please them as they are unhappy forever and want you to be miserable as well. Got a burnout thanks to these aggressive malignant females. I assume my mom has a borderline personality disorder and my sister developped a hoarding disorder on top of it due to abandonment issues. 😔
I think it's more like the Nars wearing down your instincts and self trust. They teach you, through a roller coaster of regular reward and punishments, that you will never be strong enough to leave and you need them. Over time they get worse qnd apologize in cycles becoming your night and day, always promising dawn is on the horizon if you follow their specific demands. If you're in love, you just want to win their genuine acceptance, after feeling crushed. You lose trust with each "second" chance for the originally love bombing charmer you hoped would finally re-emerge. Hope springs eternal until you snap out of their spell and let them walk. Then never take them back - firmly reminding them it was their choice you are honoring, so they are less likely to act angry and do harm to you. No matter how "nice" they get, it's as fake as the initial love bombing stage, where they were "perfect". If you talk to them later, they will try to punish you on some level for getting away. Keep a safe distance. Thankfully, the 10% with said diseases are widely discussed online now so the public is finally forwarned. However unfortunately the 10% will invariably try to label those who figured them out and escaped as the problem with their disease. I took a gift to a new friend in the hospitalfor a heart attack. When he told me he threw it at his nurse bc a procedure hurt (and other similar stories), I later explained I could not date him like he wanted. He called me B S Crazy, which confirmed my assessment. It's part of their disorder. Don't get upset about the false accusation. Laugh at the irony to yourself, dismiss it, and move on. Now if 3 people who don't know each other ever tell you the same thing, it might be worth scheduling some counseling to explore it. 😅😏
I wish I could’ve shown myself this video 15 years ago. I’m really taking the ‘take it slower’ advice. Some of the things he’s saying are just blowing my mind, everything he’s talking about, my ex partner did. I’m so determined I’m not gonna be manipulated like that again.
What he explained was exactly reciprocity but chose the word ''transaction''. Imho, it's not so far from the truth and not necessarily unhealthy as long as both partners offer, not only expect to receive.
Reciprocal is an excellent word choice! I understood what he meant when he said transactional, but a transaction can also be impersonal. The intention is what matters I guess.
There is definitely a difference in reciprocity versus transaction. He edified his use of transactional with an example of showing up for each other but a transaction is the flat exchange rate predetermined by how you decide to show up in the relationship. Reciprocity has no limitations on creativity and the potential for giving to each other without taking score of who did what and when. Transactions are record-keeping and is definitely healthy if both people are agreeing to what the relationship looks like, it’s not healthy if someone or both are using what is done or not done in order to restrict giving in the full spectrum of love and sensuality to one another unbridled by the expectation that the other do the exact same, the same way. Transactional creates sameness and restriction of self unless there is a together and apart balance or approach is allowed to differentiate based on the individuals, which is less likely. Reciprocity creates dynamic of two individuals sharing everything they are with one another and the ability of them to appreciate what each other have done and remember that without withdrawing affection or anything else if an expectation (a transaction, payment) isn’t met.
I am autistic. I appreciate the warning at the end. Andrew is correct that frustration and anxiety can drive behavior that can sometimes seem explosive. One key here is that we are thinking, "What is it we aren't getting? What are we doing wrong? What do I need to change about my behavior to better fit in and be accepted?" whereas a dark-triad person will not look internally to themselves -- they will look externally to you as the cause and then blame, attack, gaslight, and demean you. Autistic people can sometimes present uncomfortable and blunt truths but this is because we see truth in an absolute sense. If you ask me if that dress looks good on you, and I don't think it does I will tell you the truth of my opinion even though it might hurt you. This is because we want to be truthful -- not because we want to tear you down. -- Last thing ladies. If you are in a relationship and you aren't sure if your partner is dark-triad or autistic and the situation feels dangerous PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do what you need to do to protect you. Assume danger until proven otherwise. It sucks autistic people get caught in the cross-fire of misunderstandings but that is a hell of a lot better than you making excuses for your partner who is abusing you and means to harm you. Leave bad partners. If it feels dangerous, it probably is.
Well hmmm,doens't telling people the truth even though its unkind, especially if they didn't ask you for it, make you lacking in empathy? Look at yourself first and stop blaming autism for your own shortcomings. Everybody has issues, and becuase you were abused is not an excuse to abuse someone else. Almostveryone has something that hurt them or these days a permanent disability, not just you.. I understand how hard it is, but don't make excuses for yourself either. It works both ways, you don't get a free card for bad behavior because of a disability or autism. Sure it's hard, but you do have to take rsponsibility for your own behavior if it's unacceptable and distructive and abusive to other people whether you have any kind of illness or not. Self relfect, hard but it's worth it in the long run.
@@MZ-rv1bu Autistic people think that being honest is important, while they might lack the finesse of understanding that being blunt with telling truth can accidentally be hurtful to others. So many autistic people are not bad, their actions are interpret as bad by the neurotypicals. Many autistic people are very honest. Of course there are also AH's in the mix. But that's different, if someone is hurting you on purpose versus an autistic person being honest. Don't assume that an autistic person wants to offend you.
@@MZ-rv1buHonestly, something is wrong with your Reading Comprehension Skills. He/she simply said that if ASKED for an opinion on how someone looks, they are honest. They value honesty over lying to someone just to shmooze or charm or appease them. I find that refreshing and prefer it in my conversations!! 😉
"The thing that is really precious is our sense of independence. And once you merge your sense of independence with someone else it's hard to get it back." YES!!!
In this world verify everything Never doubt patterns. Aka The Track Record. A stranger can say anything. Discernment. .A background check is a necessity. Standards boundaries a bs detector and a backbone 💪. Never tolerate disrespect. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman The Four Agreements by Don Miguel The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma----Sam Vaknin podcast The Genetics Of Cheaters --Maken Murphy podcast The Mask You Live In Documentary. Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All David Tian PhD podcast
@sherriflemming3218 our state offers free online court records. I try to find out a man's middle name and age early on and run the free check. It won't tell you if they did something in another state, or obviously if they get away with crime. It's still worth a look. Also, yes there are one in 10 psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists in society. But when you consider they find their targets online, you can consider a much higher percentage in dating sites. Now days, I go with the mindset, prove to me you are NOT a dark triad person, if I meet a man online dating.
I'm thankful to be single. I didn't marry the wrong man. We are commonly attracted to the familiar. Someone who resembles our childhood caregivers. IMAGO Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future Sam Vaknin podcast The Genetics Of Cheaters --Maken Murphy podcast The Mask You Live In Documentary Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All David Tian PhD podcast
True, it works that’s when the lightbulb switched on, knew I had made a huge mistake, owned a house he had nothing, he ended up a business man and used my mo ey to get there, I got nothing out of the business, they are frauds, never again I had to fight so hard and didn’t retrieve what I previously had. found out too late what a fraud he was to my so called suppose to look after me Solicitor, female never again the system sucks
This is the best information I've ever come across. Four decades with a sociopath... I'm out, I'm free, I'm still trying to make sense of what happened to me. Andy lays it out - brilliantly.
this isn't cia intelligence... he leads in talking about myers-briggs which even high school students learn in psych, but he doesn't even have a grasp of the jungian cognitive functions and hes wrong about entps. he was only right about most women scoring isfj on the tests but even that means nothing when the tests are going by dichotomy merely...
INFP here , have dealt with what seems 29 of the 30m of them. When i was young , it was real easy for them, and very damaging to me. Now at 43, after lots of healing and growing i can still be fooled , just not as often . #evolving ❤my heart is with all of you.
INFJ here and we really attract narcs like no one else. We're the rarest personality type and I guess stick out like sore thumbs. These narcs came after me every single place I went. They are murderers and I almost died numerous times.
Yep, INFP here too. I think what sometimes gets us into trouble isn't so much feeling like we have to follow society’s expectations for women (unlike ISFJs, for example - I don’t really care about that), but more that we tend to live in our own fantasy worlds. I'm such a romantic that I can create an entire love story in my head if I decide I like someone, and overlook my gut instincts. I lack grounding. However, that same imagination, which can make me vulnerable because I love stories so much, also saves me. Because I’m also highly introspective and sharp, and as such I notice when someone starts having a negative impact on me. That’s when my defense mechanism kicks in, and I start pulling away from narcissists. So luckily I never got into a serious relationship with any of them. Luckily for me their lack of depth and superficiality eventually becomes a turn off. However, if I ever come across an incredibly intelligent narcissist, who will be able to fake depth, I might still fall into a trap.
He said something that hurt me and it is so true… when your head is on the ground and when you’re struggling it’s always always when these weasels weave into your life. Ladies watch what you do when you’re sad
My ex literally said he can “mold and change himself to fit any situation and get what he wants and win” He literally told me that about 2 weeks in. This is when I started my digital diary and documented everything I’m about 3 months after months of love bombing, I noticed he completely pulled away. Causing me to start chasing. This lasted just a few days before I remembered all of the podcast that I listen to. All 3 months I noticed he would ask me for things, want to spend the night a lot because it was closer to his job, and he would want me to buy him things. Educate yourself ladies.
Stories like this send chills down my spine. Really, really dark people out there. I personally know someone like this that is the most charming,charismatic, and socially “talented” person I know. I’ve always known something was off with him but I was always fascinated by how he was able to control people like a puppet master. I had an inside joke with myself that he didn’t have friends but rather a cult. Anyways, we ended up gracefully separating after I let him know that I knew who he really was.
If he says stuff like this it is a warning and it is good you recognized it as a red flag. There is nothing to be added to it. That statement alone is enough to say goodbye. Women make the mistake to try to make reason out of why he said this or that or why behaved this way, but the truth is they know exactly what they are doing and you know exactly why they are doing it. That should be enough to leave. I had an ex saying stuff to me he is more dangerous than I think, he can destroy me, he added threatening comments about a friend and joked about being a serial killer. Like, stop, women need to leave men like these asap but I observed that many women stay with cheaters or manipulators and forgive them for being literally shit human beings. Its doesnt make us women look good. We have to take some responsibility for why we allow those men to behave like this. If more of us would say no, stick to our no and move on from bs like this asap, more men would maybe start to change their behaviors (not saying its not their fault for being shitty human beings!!!).
Worse is debatable. They become more obvious and aggressive. Which is good for us because it's more obvious and easier to avoid and leave rather than someone that is so composed that they can destroy you from the inside out.
@@yamairad1was going to say exactly this. Their aggression is more apparent because they know you've figured them out but they will still try and manipulate you again. Some women still don't leave despite the truth surfacing but even worse than that is if the guy a stalker than it he will make sure you never move on from them
I didn't even know people like this existed when I married my first husband. After ten years he left me penniless, disabled and utterly alone except for my two traumatized sons. Diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, and I still didn't leave. Didn't have any idea what it meant other than the end of my fairytale so I employed my many coping mechanisms to deny reality until my life became unrecognizable.
Everyone is calling me too much and paranoid when I am saying that at end, we never know who really is in front of us. My mother is one of them… Never trust anyone, ever. The gut is the right one.
In this world verify everything. Discernnent. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record A stranger can say anything. A background check is a necessity. Date like a detective. Investigate like the FBI. Adults choose their relationships. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? by Jonathon Aslay Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman Toxic Parents by Susan Forward The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast The Science Of Cheating--Maken Murphy podcast Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma----Sam Vaknin podcast The Mask You Live In Documentary Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All David Tian PhD podcast.
I disagree, as an abuse survivor of a 12 year relationship with a sociopath, you cannot trust your gut. Trust hard facts. Actions speak louder than words, period. Your "gut" can be contaminated by manipulation.
INFJ here and just out of a relationship with a Narcissist. I wish I would have known all of this 2 years ago. The abuse I went through is out of this world, and how he’d know how to get me back every time 🤯 Very valuable insights, Thank you ❤
I'm a infj did u ever start to think u were the narcissit that how I feel in my relationship even thow I know the gaslighting done to me is fact and her not owning up to anything as soon as we get close or I think we are about 2 be she starts a fight then I feel guilty and apolitigize non stop and now I can't get her to say she loves me
All the time. But now I feel that that’s the point. They steal so much of your personality and bait you to the point where then you act out of character. At least that’s true for me. I wouldn’t recognize myself. But I know for a fact that I don’t act like this with other people and my intentions are pure. I don’t do things to get something in return and certainly do I not get pleasure in seeing someone else’s pain. If that is you, you are NOT the narcissist.
@@richardvaughan8765 the narcissist always exports their own negative qualities to others. every negative thing they are, they will point their finger and tell others "U ARE!" so yes, when you are in a relationship with a narcissist they will try to make you feel like you are the selfish abusive @hole. every time, not just with an infj victim.
I had a coworker who was quite obviously on the scary end of the ASPD once you paid attention to his tells. A glaring one was when we went to a theatre production as part of a business celebration. When a female actor was demonstrating severe emotional pain in one scene, everyone was reaching for the tissues and he sat forward in his seat, watching intently and started chuckling….😬
@@NovaPrincess once you know to watch for it you can pick them up easily. Even more disturbing was that he was a very baby faced slightly chubby short man with, oddly, very tiny hands and feet…he looked non threatening like you could trust him with your kids. 5 minutes in his company and you really got the creeps though
As an INTJ woman, I and many of my female INTJ counterparts have dated narcissists as well. They are attracted to our intelligence, long roster of achievements, and indomitable spirits (which they see as a challenge to dominate). While we’re very rational, many of us are secretly very empathetic and humanitarian (tertiary Fi when developed), and also don’t tend to judge people for going against social norms (as many low-empathy types often do). Our hyper-rationality also tends to cause us to doubt our gut or our feelings when we don’t have concrete data to back it up (secondary Te). Honestly, Robert Hare, who first observed and developed the concept of psychopathy, said anyone can easily be sucked into their manipulation and charm, and Hare cited examples of highly trained team members interviewing known psychopaths in prison and being sucked into their charm. What makes you most vulnerable is thinking that you aren’t.
Intj female too. I am also pretty good at reading a man also regarding patterns of behaviour from a diverse source. I have a understanding of various behaviour patterns I don't tend to judge
I’m watching this as an INFJ and didn’t listen to my intuition. Thankfully I figured it out before I put myself in danger but I need to trust my intuition every time because I’m never wrong. 😩
Yep....i lost my 14 yr career, home of 14 yrs and relationship with my son effected horribly.... i try to forgive myself everyday...and am praying for a financial miracle to rebuild
wowwho are u living my life but mine was 15 yrs and my son was 17and even 15yr job same same its scary im broke i havnt been this broke since the 90si dont know how ill b able to pay anybills mortgage just gots to trust God cuz idont want to be homeless with my baby dogs so stay strong really dont think we have a choice remember a mustard seed amount of a knowing ,faith thats all it takes
This happens in friendships as well- not only romantic or familial relationships. Sadly, so many malignant narcissists claim their former failed friendships and relationships were with narcissists when they themselves are the abusive narcissists. This information is helpful. Beware of what people tell you because they will show you who they are soon enough.
In this world verify everything Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record Discernment. A stranger can say anything. The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
This is why it is so important not to jump into relationships with someone you really don’t know. Meet their friends and family. Check out the stories they tell about their ex’s. Find out how this person ended the relationship- not just what he tells you. Run like hell when you hear “ I love you” in the first month!
@sherriflemming3218 Very Good I have read a good number of books on here. I will also add Seduced by a Sociopath by Donna Anderson, Becoming Toxic Person Proof by Sarah K thompson, Charm to Harm by Amy Lewis Bear, How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra L Brown Knowledge is power!
Thank you for the reading material! Agree with everyones comments! I vet everyone, man or woman, romantic or not! It does take me time, but it can be done!
It has taken me an entire lifetime to stop blaming a 'bad picker' and instead understand there are so many manipulators and conmen out there - and to make it my whole business to never give the benefit of the doubt when dealing with the unknown and humans - I'm not talking about being paranoid. I'm talking about understanding many people just do not approach life and have standards such as mine and I must be keenly aware that the vast majority will not be for me. Time and time again I was astonished at how I ended up with a relationship where the person was someone I could not/should not - be with - to my detriment - and that there was very little that was benefiting me - and where all the benefit was coming from me
Yes!! I keep thinking I'm way too old to still be making the same mistakes!! The number of manipulative, deceptive people in our society is exceptionally high, Unfortunately, I love to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it's far too dangerous to do that anymore.
@@susan2995 I am still astonished to this day, in dealing with all sorts of transactions - most recently, selling stuff online the folks that come at you to try to scam you.... I just feel deflated on how humans are, and I don't wish to become bitter towards my fellow human however I'm still dismayed that the good on this earth really seem to be within a very small portion of humanity - my rejection button has to be implement all the time
Sometimes when nothing is very obvious, keep a dream journal noting how you react to that dream. Very often the subconscious senses things which the conscious might miss
What's trippy for me is I was friends with a person whom I ALMOST started a relationship with, when I first met him, I didn't have a good feeling about him, but unfortunately, I shrugged it off. Then one time, I had a dream that I was bitten by a green snake, I looked up the (biblical) meaning (I believe in Christ, so ofc some meanings can vary in dreams) & I learned that a green snake represented betrayal including betrayal of trust; I was oblivious to the red flags, the manipulation & the exploiting, & the lying that was going on in the "friendship"... after I cut ties with him, I looked back & I just thought about that dream & everything just connected together like a puzzle. I just thank God for getting me out of that relationship, forgave him (no, I did NOT come back to him), & moved on with my life (difficult journey, but worth it). So yea, at least for me, that just confirms your point on how the subconscious senses things the the conscious can't.
There is a great book that would go well with this. It's called The Gift of Fear. I read it a few years ago and gave it to many female friends and relatives. It's about trusting your intuition and not worrying about being polite.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO In this world verify everything Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record Discernment. A stranger can say anything. Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
I have been in relationship with several severe, abusive and cheating narcissists, and both of my parents have narc traits. What I learned is that there is no such thing as an innocent victim of a narcissist (outside of childhood). We want something from them that in a way is our OWN narcissistic desire, that's why it's so easy to fool us. We have to be willing to give up the desire to be desired, wanted, and provided the "fantasy" life, or else we are very easy to manipulate. Take ownership and NEVER compromise for wanting to be "in a relationship", be "valued by some hot guy," or any other idolatrous behavior. Until we give up our OWN self centered desires we can fall for this crap.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft In this world verify everything. Discernment. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record A background check is a necessity. We are commonly attracted to someone that resembles our childhood caregivers. IMAGO. Safety first. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Toxic Parents by Susan Forward Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast The Genetics Of Cheaters - Maken Murphy podcast Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD podcast. Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma----Sam Vaknin podcast
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Without Conscience by Robert D Hare The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman We commonly choose partners that resemble our childhood caregivers. Attracted to the familar. In this world verify everything. Discernment. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record A bqckground check is a necessity. Verify facts. Dont count red flags and dealbreakers.
I agree with you to an extent. There is usually childhood trauma behind it. And can the desire be rooted in trauma and neglect etc... and cause many to "settle" so they get that hidden desire/need met. Yes. Can it be our own narcissistic desire, yeah but it depends. It can be a human desire that was never met without it being narcissistic. I say this, because many women and men already fault themselves plenty for "failing" to listen to their gut, failing to pay attention to red flags, and for failing to leave an abuser sooner and the list goes on. Many times it is not their fault. Ultimately as adults yes we are responsible! If it is rooted in childhood trauma and childhood environment, we need to give a large space of compassion and not blame to beautiful souls that usually are the ones that end up as narcissists targets. Again, yes there is a healing junction in someones journey where they need to take responsibility for healing, growing, educating self and avoiding toxic destructive relationships. But in the beginning a target needs validation and self compassion.
@@RobynMStarr So well said! Thank you! Yes, I'm talking from a really emotionally and spiritually mature place, a Biblically grounded place. But stepping into this level of accountability is where the power to truly transform, not just emotionally and in avoiding future relationships with narcs, but everywhere in life 💜🙏
OMG. I’m listening to this while at work and when he said that he is the biggest advocate for women, then that he took his wife’s last name… I just started tearing up. Why? Not sure. But I am moved by how beautiful this episode is ❤ Thank you
Indeed Safety first. In this world verify everything. A background check is a necessity. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast The Mask You Live In Documentary The Genetics Of Cheaters by Maken Murphy podcast
So true about social norms. When I was 20 years old, I was walking to my apartment in broad day light and noticed a guy following me. There were so many opportunities for me tell someone, or just go into a restaurant, but I didn't want to look like I thought "I was pretty enough." or not be believed. I walked home with the intent, that I would walk right into my unit and shut the door. He got into my unit before me. Be careful out there. I didn't end up getting hurt that day, luckily. But it was close ... but the social norms women are taught just benefit preditors more and they know it. Good example mentioned here of Ted Bundy. And to add, I didn't even call the police afterwards. It didn't even cross my mind.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker pdf and podcasts ( A PhD in human behavior) Safe People by Henry Cloud book and podcasts Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft book and podcasts Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD In this world verify everything. Discernnent. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record A background check is a necessity. Verify facts. Standards boundaries a bs detector and a backbone 💪 Always be aware of your surroundings. Situational awareness and intuition. When you meet a shark swim away. Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast The Science Of Cheating--Maken Murphy podcast The Genetics Of Cheating Maken Murphy podcast The Mask You Live In Documentary
Be careful if you love in the same unit.. they can come back even years later. That's a pattern with burglars to try same houses again after a few years or to tell other criminals about it.
@lovetomarket- As the mother of 3 grown daughters, the saddest thing about your experience is the fact that your perception of how attractive you are determined whether you were worthy of protection. Your comment shook me to my core. Please put yourself first.
I grew up in a religious Doomsday cult. It's a miracle that I finally broke this cycle. I am grateful everyday that I broke the cycle of violence and manipulation and mind control that I survived as a child and a young adult, and even later. The last relationship that was toxic was 10 years ago. I have done nothing but self-repair, and become self aware since then. I am 58, and I will not die in this toxic pattern. There is a lot of Hope and there is a lot of healing if you want to look into yourself, and find the patterns that you once allowed, and that once passed for love for you. To LIBERTAD! FREEDOM!
ISFJ here. Possibly empath. I could totally identify. I am recently divorced. There was gaslighting, lying, blame shifting and projecting. He ended up moving out, I think because I called him out. I actually videoed an argument without him knowing. He did exactly what I thought by denying what was said. I showed him the video. He could hardly watch himself. He doesn’t want transparency. He wants to believe something different about himself. He said what I did was terrible. I just needed truth! He left. Maybe because I stood my ground and would not comply any longer. This ISFJ had enough
I kind of didn't like that he used MBTI to explain this. I know INFP's and ESFJ's and INFJ's who are also victim to being abused like this. I think there are LOT of women regardless of MBTI who get manipulated. None of the reasons why an ISFJ is any more likely made any sense to me.
He left because he knew he was busted and he was embarrassed and mad AF. He felt shame. They do EVERYTHING they can to project and blame shift so they never have to take accountability. You caused a narcissistic injury. I hope you got rid of him.
Good for you! 🙌 INFJ here who also caused a couple men to melt down into narcissistic collapse. Giving myself time to be single. I don’t know if I will ever date again because life is so much better being alone. It’s total freedom and peace.
2:06:38 Your discussion of autism here is SOOOOO true! I have a high functioning autistic son and worry about his social interactions all the time, particularly law enforcement or others on that parallel spectrum that might see him as prey. Frustration is a huge part of his life because of that struggle to communicate and be understood. I pray for him a LOT!
This is ridiculous police dont hunt for autistic people to abuse what really happens is the autistic person acts in a bizarre way in the policeman's perception....he can misinterpret the person as a threat. They arent clairvoyant and just know your son is autistic!
This is the best UA-cam interview I have ever watched about this very interesting topic. Andrew Bustamante explains everything in an understandable manner - thank you so much!
I do believe for skilled empaths with boundaries, vulnerability can be a strength. I’m not afraid to share my lessons or mistakes, pain, fears, human emotions and therefore the power that a secret has over me disappears. It also builds trust with others. And since there are more feeling, hurting and empathic people in the world, a skilled empath who can connect with others is more powerful than a narcissist. Narcissists don’t know what to do with someone who stays open to them and yet also does not let themselves be controlled. They show empathy, but they’re not manipulated or controlled by that person. I can use my empathic abilities to pick up on all of the internal conflict and struggle that narcissists and sociopaths carry on inside themselves in order to keep up their façade. They are in conflict all the time and usually their own worst enemy . So all you have to do sometimes is get out of their way, keep enough distance, and go along with their game on the surface but not get pulled in. I don’t want to give up my empathy or openness and constantly be shut down and guarded around people. That means that the sociopaths and narcissists win, but they’re definitely needs to be boundaries to keep self safe and being hurt or attacked. That’s where our empathic skills can alert us to potential danger. But then the art of not taking things personally and still remaining true ones self with integrity is the biggest win and superpower of them all. It’s more like a defensive game than an offensive game. But I love myself enough to appreciate, my intuition and empathy and compassion. I’m just more selective about who I let in all the way and how often. Women are definitely conditioned to not trust their own intuition and because of society, they look to others for authority, which causes us to be vulnerable to danger. We have to trust our own senses and logic and no one else’s. We are all we got.
I agree about the empathic ability you talked about and being able to sense what’s going on inside them as like a warning bell-! I also went into a lot of energetic healing- taught reiki- did tarot- but also just being an empath you have this ability but honing it has def helped me. It’s very interesting when you are all of a sudden in an environment with someone and you haven’t even talked to them and you get that gut energetic feeling that something is off.
His suggestion for how to determine if someone is a psychopath or sociopath, struck a raw nerve with me. We have an epidemic of flakiness in our society. I would say 80% of the things people call me to ask me to do they not only don’t follow through, they don’t respond to calls or texts about why they didn’t follow through and then they never call to even apologize because they’re embarrassed or whatever their reason is. I literally had a friend out of town wanting to come rent my spare room. I got it ready halfway she never showed never called then out of the blue called again three months later said she was on her way. Would be there in two days, we busted our butt to get it ready. She came into town never showed never called got an apartment with somebody else and never apologized.. I have a girl who calls me every day and says, can I come over and see you then never shows never calls back never apologizes it’s totally off the chain, upsetting how people act these days. So no, I would not use a reaction to being stood up as proof they’re a socio/psychopath. People are over being manipulated and if you’re so self entitled it’s nothing to you to stand people up, you’re not worth it‼️
Literally have had the same stories all over and over again. And my question to myself is- WHY do I allow this to happen every time?! Why am I myself soooo naive? This person has showed me who they are, and I know 100% that’s true about them and won’t change, but here I am every time hoping this time is different..? Ridiculous but so true 😅 I don’t know how to respond and be like:”no, you’re bullshitting me , not interested, bye.” 🫣
Unbelievable how many people take the living pea out of people ( us, I’ve had my fair share of people pleasing) they give us a ridiculous high standard of expectations of which they, not only wouldn’t, but couldn’t live up to yet sit in judgement of our failing and we find ourselves defending ourselves against facts plucked out of thin air and used against us and treated as it’s something we are being treated as if we are guilty of it? You can’t make this s**t up can you
@@montamusinska7464because you don’t have strong enough boundaries ( if you wouldn’t be offended if someone said no to you if you asked the same of them then why are you worried about hurting their feelings?) ihad to learn the hard way
As an INFJ woman of past 60, I’ve experienced a few different types. So grateful that this is finally out there. It’s scary that the ones that are supposed to protect and keep safe are usually the ones who refuse to be policed, so become people in power to feed off the vulnerable. Truly need to learn what is being taught here. Thank you so much. The unhealthy benefit of the doubt mindset has to go, especially for anyone vulnerable. Definitely standing up and challenging the “ norm “ western society needs massive change.
Thank you, Andrew!! It is so refreshing to listen to a guy who is so very knowledgeable AND willing to help women become more educated and able to better protect ourselves! Your family is SO lucky to have such a loving and giving man like you!!😊❤🎉
"Unless you're aware of what your vulnerabilies are, you're blind to how you're being duped." - Andrew Bustamante Dang, why didn't I hear of this?! That explains the structure of how manipulative people work. This saying is like a secret weapon against manipulators if you ask me
Thank you for hosting and being a key guest of this interview. Andrew, I have listened to you on many other podcasts. Mostly those were male hosted. You fortunately brought a different air and information on this with Lisa that I haven't heard on the others. Lisa, Thank you for being a perfect host for such an interview with Andrew. Before I was half way thru, I sent it to my closest female friends and family that I know have struggled with these issues, including myself. I call it the 101 on this topic of protecting ourselves as women in an empowered, concise way. A very thoughtful, thorough interview that I cannot thank either of you enough for having! Opened my eyes to many key behaviors as a woman, as well as feeling validated in stopping certain relationships I could tell didn't feel right. I want to be able to still trust my intuition, but also understand that I have a responsibility to myself to think critically about things and about what society tells me I should accept.
My journal was my greatest asset, dealing with a narcissist. Also I noted fights, drunk driving, binges, etc on the kitchen calendar. There was the pattern in its truest colors. No lying.
I think it's more like 1 in 5 for narcissists. I think it's REALLY common to be somewhere on the narc spectrum. They may not be psychopaths but they're still damaging.
I'm watching this in sections so I really understand what is being said. This is really interesting. I'm always surprised at how many narcissists are in the world. We don't have to look far to find one. I mean a real one. It's crazy.
I'm considered a targeted individual. I've lived in my neighborhood for twenty years and in my community for over thirty years without any legal issues or problems. Suddenly, out of nowhere, long time neighbors came after me, began harassing me and vandalizing my home. When I couldn't get help from law enforcement, I knew they were involved. I'm a very strong, confidant, out going, intelligent, empathetic, kind woman who lives alone. Apparently, being a single attractive woman living alone makes one an easy target in our world today.
This is gold, his advice is gold! So true, about societal norms too... Women are not taught how to fight with male aggressors; when attacked, most of them just curl up and wait, either for him to stop, for some help to come or to die. This book might help, i think: Fight Like a Girl...and Win: Defense Decisions for Women by Lori Hartman Gervasi
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? by Jonathan Aslay In this world verify everything. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record Discernnent. A stranger can say anything. Date like a detective. Investigate like the FBI. A background check is a necessity. Verify facts. Romance chemistry and attraction does not create relationship success. Trust and respect are the foundation of healthy relationships. Self defence and tactical training is empowering. Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma-Sam Vaknin podcast The Mask You Live In Documentary The Science Of Cheating--Maken Murphy podcast I've Scanned 250,000 Brains This Is Really How Men Think - Dr Daniel Amen and Lisa Biyeu podcast
Self defence and tactical training will teach you skills. One program in America is IMPACT. Martial arts, kickboxing classes are other classes that teach skills. There are also personal alarms available for purchase. Learning how to recognize predators ( discernment) and how to deal with them. Always be aware of your surroundings. Situational awareness and intuition. You are responsible for your personal and public safety. This is empowerment. This applies to intuition: If it feels wrong it is wrong If it requires too much conspicuous effort it is fake If it is too good to be true its not true In today's world verify everything The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker ( A PhD in human behavior) pdf and podcasts. Safe People by Henry Cloud Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Snakes In Suits by Robert D Hare Without Conscience by Robert D Hare Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood How To Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L Brown
When women have suffered violence at the hands of someone they trusted it is almost impossible to belive in anyone ever again they dont want to be taken advantage of again and go through the aftermath which is devastating to their confidence .we all want to trust that people have good intentions but sadly they prey on vulnerable women who havent been loved properly
I was raised by a pathological malignant narcissist con man. I loved my dad so much. He was charming & funny & interesting & people flocked to him like moths to a flame. He was a human wrecking ball. He was my dad. He brought the sunshine. And then he took it away. I watched my dad con & screw over every single person in his orbit, even his elderly widowed mother. Even his own kids. He really couldn't help himself. If he saw a mark, he was gonna take advantage of that mark, somehow, some way. It was if he was driven to it. Everyone that liked my dad was a mark, & everyone liked my dad. Right up until he screwed them over. It was just who he was. He exploited weaknesses like a crocodile hunts gazelle in a river. P.S. He was a salesman. Real Estate. Very successful. He was also married six times. He was married to another woman when he married my mom.
My partner was also a salesman all his life cheated lied everything under the sun. He also became a real estate agent. Salesman jobs are perfect for manipulative people.
I knew someone like this. They were a very fun person, I loved being around them. Slowly I found they could not be trusted. Were not loyal to anyone except their own bank account. I hit rock bottom and ended it when I caught them trying to walk away with an unrelated senior citizen's life savings and property.
I have been going throught PTSD due to a covert narcassist and the manipulations and fear. I had so many fears and questions and keep wondering certain things and feeling unsafe, not being able to sleep properly and not trusting myself or know if I can ever trust others but OMG this Talk has answered SO many questions! A 100x Thank you! ❤
Have you considered trauma therapy? EMDR + CBT. Self care is very important. Find things to do that give you joy and peace. Be kind to yourself. Here are some healing books. I hope they help. Take care. The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? by Jonathon Aslay More personal development books- podcasts. Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? by Jonathon Aslay 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood The Four Pillars of Self Love - Sam Vaknin podcast Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast Never Forgive Infidelity - Sam Vaknin podcast Cheating Triangulation In Sick Relationships ---Sam Vaknin podcast The Mask You Live In Documentary The Genetics Of Cheating - Maken Murphy podcast I've Scanned 250,000 Brains This Is Really How Men Think - Dr Daniel Amen and Lisa Biyeu Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD podcast Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma----Sam Vaknin podcast
@@lf3554 Thank you! They're helpful books. Many people cannot afford therapy. The Hoffman Process - the actual workshops are more effective than the book apparently. Personal development seminars are beneficial.
I have been studying the topics you are talking about for about 10 years and this is one of the best most clarifying talks I have ever heard. I will be listening to it again and taking notes and also praying for wisdom and discernment always -thank you so much for what you do.❤
You have my sympathies.My stepdad too. He's cut off all his immediate family since meeting her last December. It's a very upsetting to go through and I'm sure even harder when your actual father.
@peachesmcgee4795 Ah No. I don't believe it. Noone can force anybody to cut the relationship with their immediate family members if he doesn't want to. Maybe she brings him happiness and his step children are annoying, keep asking money? If it is not then pay attention, give him a call to see what's going on instead of badmouthing the stepmother. I say it again, it's your stepdad's decision not to see you people. Nowadays a phone call or even social message can reach a person. He is totally in his control unless he's disable and has dementia.
Cognitive dissonance is disregulating at the least and causes confusion chaos and mistrust of your closest friends and family. It's insidious how a master manipulator can turn you away from the people closest to you. It's like being mentally incompetent by the time they are done w you.@@LoveLife-oo9cz
This has been an incredible interview. My partner has asbergers and is often frustrated with communication. He has a brlliant and beautiful way of thinking and creating although it also comes with its own "ball of wax" so to speak. And when emotionality enters into our decision making or conversations in gerneral, he can become frustrated with processing or understanding communicaton from a different perspective. He will flat out say "I don't understand" and quite literally mean it. He wants a piece for piece breakdown of information. To say that this is challenging is accurate. Sometimes challenging is an understatement.
I would bet you've experienced a couple of times where you reneged on your Intuition & learned to your disappointment to really trust your Intuition. Most Intuitives do.
50:22 what Andrew is saying here is so on point and is a reminder that our family systems are primarily the reason why we have these thoughts of looking silly! We don’t even have safe homes to go back to and are trying not to bring embarrassment and shame to ourselves!
Thank you so much to Andrew, Lisa and everyone who worked on this video. So helpful, illuminating, full of insights and practical hacks. I can't thank you all enough.
Indeed. You are correct. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. The Dark Triad is Narcissism Machevalian and Psychopathy. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
Sam Vaknin has excellent podcasts on The Dark Triad. The definition is Narcissism Machevalian and Psychopathy. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. Personality and character is fixed. All criminals have blank records until they're caught. In this world verify everything. A background check is essential. Verify facts. Safe People by Henry Cloud Without Conscience by Robert D Hare The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Snakes In Suits by Robert D Hare
Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker ( A PhD in human behavior) Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Without Conscience by Robert D Hare Snakes In Suits by Robert D Hare Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood In this world verify everything. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. Discernment. A background check is a necessity. Verify facts. A stranger can say anything. Trust needs to be earned. Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
I’m an INFJ and you answered all of my questions in the first 20 minutes. I’ve been trying to make the connections in all this. Thing is I learned to identify con artists now and being in a state of limerence is a depression. Spent a lot of life being a sole trouper, hanging onto mental wellness and dealing with narcissists. They are odd and think you’re god or something to take on an army against you because there’s recruiting people saying you’re the one who doesn’t know better. What a life to live. Of course I learned but I mean it really took awhile to understand everything. Even when I was being taught this stuff, I could only get surface levels of it at a time. It was TOUGH to imagine.
This subject is dear to my heart as I personally was parented by , and married to narcissistic personality types. Some years ago I finally found my way out. Today I coach middle age woman who are in or leaving toxic relationships. I absolutely love it. I feel I can use a painful lesson to help others today
Wow!!! Lisa's guests are always so amazing, insightful and incredibly helpful! Would love to see an interview with Crappy Childhood Fairy too! Lisa thank you for everything you're doing to help women live their best lives!
At 2hours and 6 minutes, I was so thankful you spoke about autistics being asd/ asbergers and with looking upon my past and constantly being misdiagnosed by doctors due to a narcissistic mother and the frustration that I constantly was in cuz of the control I tried to understand as a child- early adult. Great talk /conversation to broaden my knowledge Why I so often get intertwined with wrong types of people that don't have my best interest at heart. But rather manipulated for their best interest of their self.
WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
Powerful talk and number one! Thank you to the both of you!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Everyday Spy is awesome! 😎
1:10:00 manipulaters
jaja u said it boo 👻
fakes r fools
The briggs myer’s personality system is not really accurate tho…..
When Words and Actions don't Align...... Don't try to figure it out......RUN!!!!!
“Don’t try to figure it out…”. Wise advice!!
when things don't Add Up...
.... start Substracting
and run fast ... I got kidnapped for not running fast enough. But I'm ok now.
This this this this this
Agreed. That’s super my mom. Realized this super late and the damage is way too severe for me to fix. I was naive and an idiot. Now, I’m implanting the truth to my mind every single day to cancel her in every breath I take.
This is why I teach my sons and daughters to take their time with potential romantic interests. Keep your distance for quite a while. Enjoy their company but reserve yourself while you deliberately observe them in many situation.
and this is precisely why the abusive con artist wants to *rush* into things, to blindside someone before they can see what they are... yep! taking time to get to know each other isn't a concept the abuser/con artist will tolerate.
@@athanaisdc Exactly, they take advantage of the initial rush of emotions and endorphins of new attachment.
@@athanaisdcunfortunately, my intelligent sadistic, narcissistic psychopathic ex, and I don't claim that lightly, was very patient, but he also lovebombed my whole family and friends at a time we did not have that term or understanding. I had friends from countries who took kissing very seriously and thought that men should ask them to marry in six months as they take relationships and marriage seriously. I delayed marriage, thinking he would appreciate it, not knowing he would resent me for it and second guessing myself. He didn't rush me at all for sex (which would later become an abuse in itself) and was very patient, easy going, loving, very funny, generous, and gentle. I had already been in a bad relationship. His aunt set us up. I had known her two years. He always knew he was going to hurt me and take advantage of me. He wanted a wife and children to look normal so he could lead his double life undetected and distance himself from his unknown past. Once we had children I was trapped because I had to stay to protect them from being alone with him, but I kept comparing to the abusive experience I had previously and thinking it wasn't possible to have met two people this dark. I didn't fully comprehend, I was so naive. Now I recognize I was exposed to this as a child too, in extended family, teachers, and classmates. They develop this early and my parents were teaachers and my beautiful, loving, capable, positive mum wanted peace and was a people-pleaser. I could not be as good as her. I was taught to question my own part. My dad could not see evil. He was a very loving person and teacher. It was good for teaching, but we didn't have terms like narcissism as a scientific term, NPD or realize it in my grandfather and my aunt. However, they were not psychopathic, but charming and decent and my grandpa had great integrity in his public life in the same way that the real, full blown narcissists and psychopaths are decent and charming when they are reeling you in and fooling you and everyone around you, which makes it very hard to admit when they start treating you otherwise covertly, and it is such a scary, unsettling disappointment, but one which must be tackled head on. No one will believe you and it gets very dark very fast once they know you know. Don't tell them what you know. Plan.
Never jump in.
Your life isn't a Hallmark movie. There is no love at first sight.
I'm convinced there are more narcissists walking around on the planet today, then in the whole history of existence on the planet. We are truly living on the planet of the narcs, guard your boundaries with your life.
I agree with you 💯
I think social media has played a role in this since it encourages and rewards prideful behaviors. In the past, anyone with a few narcissistic tendencies might have had some family or community pressure on them to demonstrate humility. Today, that doesn't matter. What matters is how many likes they get from their followers on social media. So now, they let their narcissism shine to the fullest.
It’s sad but true. I was with one for 4 years. Worst part of my life.
Love that!
I'm going to teach people boundaries among other things; please share tips on boundaries! ❤
I agree with you
He got my attention when he said, “they leave you broke and alone,” alone under the same roof.
💯
Yes I know. Have one
Yes I know have been
Yes , Facts experienced this@sandysparacino9404
the way they want it . & this page is a joke
Women love attention! In my experience with several narcissists in pursuit of me, they are very consistent in the beginning-trying to see you or contact you everyday! Consistency does wonders in capturing a woman’s heart. The love bombing feels good and their goal is to get you in bed so you can have a soul tie with them and be stuck with them. That part never works because I am abstinent until marriage. Sometimes I don’t even have to reveal this. I just blocked another narcissist after two weeks of their crazy nonsensical behavior! I took a liking to the “good” things about him but it’s not worth my sanity dealing with someone that’s broken. Never settle ladies. You deserve a healthy relationship with a healthy man!
Lol guys don't think about soul ties
Well said!
@@tggchat But men do.
This is excellent and true. It’s not normal attention though, it’s excessive bordering on creepy obsessive attention and you feel it. It feels off, and they will always make those tiny cutting remarks that you can easily miss or that they will pass off as jokes (careful though, the covert Narc will not do that, they’ll insult themselves). Good men don’t make jokes about women. You’ll feel it in your gut.
A normal level of attention is ok, the borderline excessive attention is where women get caught and have forgotten how to differentiate.
Just choosing to be abstinent till marriage isn't always enough. They will do criminal and and insane things to get it to that point. Don't think that just because you're abstinent you have some kind of high ground.
I wish this information was taught in classrooms (under mental health) rather than hiding the subject under the confines of “therapy”. Thank you 🙏🏽
Men in charge wouldn't ever allow that.
@@pieceofmind2623 Agree. That's why we gotta teach our kids at home.
When I finish my A levels, I'll study psychology, and I'll probably have the most credibility teaching my kids about narcissists, because my kids then can't deny "my mom is a psychologist, she knows what she's talking about."
After a relationship with a narcissist and then a sociopath, never again will I fall for a con man. The man I have now is the best.
I escaped from a DV situation from a sociopath too, you and I know how heavy and horrific dealing with that can be! May I inquire as to where you met your new man?
I need pointers as to where to start to find my mr right! I've been trawling reddit to see where other people met their partners on posts from single people in my city also looking for their mr right too!
In this world verify everything.
Meet people in real life and vet carefully.
Date like a detective. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. When you meet a shark in the dating pool swim away. Discernment.
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
You’re so fortunate. All the best, sincerely.Narcissists/Sociopaths/Con Men / are demonic and they’re everywhere. These are truly end times!
@@igitha..._ after the conman I met my beautiful man at a gig. But it took a few years to settle in and commit, as we both had been burnt
Praise God! 🙌🏽
Slow roll all relationships! Narcs don’t have a long attention span and their grandiosity won’t allow themselves to be a pursuer for too long as it’s ego insulting to them. They’ll move on and show you who they are.
👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽 THIS 💯
I agree because they are lazy and want instant gratification. They give up when they run into boundaries.
Not ture. Some narcs find a target, and hang on for 29 years. With biological children, in the middle, you cannot actually get away completely. Big mess. Family court is dysfunction 101 + abuser = victim trapped.
Facts
@@cathycoryell2351 oh I understand this very well after a 16yr marriage and 4 kids. But I’m willing to bet the beginning of your relationship, just like mine, was filled with lovebombing and they moved themselves into your life very quickly. And I’ve had female friendships that started the same way and they always had an ulterior motive. So my number 1 tip is to take all relationships slowly, especially the ones you want to last. People will show you who they are but you have to have enough physical and emotional space to see the flags and narcs know this so they try to bond and attach quickly (tell you about their childhood wounding etc) so that you’re lead by your emotionality and not your rationality.
I'm an INFJ and it took years to realize my intuition is never wrong.
Same and now I never ignore it and everyone else can just COPE.
I’m an INFJ also. I’ve gotten myself into trouble by not listening to my intuition. It has truly never failed me. But I’ve failed myself by not listening.
@@MelW669 infj also. People really don’t get it and it’s hard to explain but when an infj says it’s going to rain, bring an umbrella even if the sky looks clear. 😉
An INFJ, I learned the hard way that feeling sorry for someone is a trap!
Watch Baby Reindeer for a master class in guarding one’s empathy.
I am an INFJ, but similar to an ISFJ in some ways... enneagram 6 SP... which is generally ISFJ....but definitely an INFJ
My ex-husband ran off because I told him "no" too many times, asserted my boundaries, and figured he was full of crap. I trusted him until his stories didn't match, so I tracked him and ran a background on him. Then filed for divorce, just when he thought he could crawl back thinking I would be begging for his love. I must be a different kind of woman. I saw my dad be dishonest to his mom, my mom's, and his ex-wives and girlfriends. Once I catch dishonesty, I am going to do a background on patterns. The lesson learned here, is to do the background first before you get serious in a relationship. It's a big time and money saver.
Truths
Good for you girl! I am glad for you
And it seems you found the way to do the checking but than to allow to trust if the check is positive. I got so distrustful and can't now get the chill side of me back. Tbh. I miss the chilled, maybe naive part of me. But never going back.
Yes it's good to be aware of this stuff. For me looking back at toxic relationships, there were warning signs that I ignored, and I understand them more now and myself better.
Yes yes...u can pay and pull that report IT'S A MUST DO!!!!! Always important especially since we have the ability to do so...but people really don't be thinking about that at all smh I was one of them✋🏽
Actually finding out every town they lived in, county and city arrest records and court rulings after adjudication is public knowledge, therefore free. You get more indepth information than the abridged version you get from a data mining company like Intellius that overcharge. Use your brain and do the digging. It tells more of the story. You can check driver's license status once they get a speeding ticket, because some public court records list their DL#'s. If you've ever shared assets, you can run a credit check on them and find out all the naughty financial issues they didn't tell you about. Use your head ladies. Knowledge is the power of making the informed decisions of cutting those manipulative users off. We got better things to do with our time.
It is not just intimate relationships, it can also be doctors, religious leaders, coaches, and even therapists, who often take advantage of the vulnerable personality. An example: I watched a podcast of family members from various families talking about a cancer doctor from the middle east who came to America to work. He told people they had cancer and placed them on serious drugs for treatment, when in truth they were not ill. Many died from the treatment. 🤨
🎤💯 @rainewaters6371 it’s with all relationships. Wish it wasn’t true 😢. We gotta hold on to our good people when we find them.
Yes a psychiatrist drugged and raped me....after chasing me for 3 years......and an eye doctor conned me that was love of his life yet he was lieing.. 1 has been indicted......1 is being investigated for coercion
Be careful of the medial industry.
I had a therapist who tried to manipulate me. I was gone after the 2nd meeting
....Religious leaders! Oh yeah I can tell a lot about this one!
Where I live there are many doctors from the middle east. They are all horrible. They love to think they are God and like to tell people they're going to die. They were determined to off my husband when he was diagnosed with cancer and did nothing to treat him. They got my husband to believe them and he is dead now at 57. A nurse online here çonfirmed what I knew....5here are sociopaths and psychopaths working in hospitals.
After multiple failed relationships, I have spent the last few years alone. I needed to see my behavior and understand why I ignored my gut instincts. I am the definition of an empath. So, I have been a target for narcissists and sociopaths for decades. I have had enough. Lesson learned. I’m happier alone. Thank you for sharing this invaluable information! 🙌
Please see Princella the Queen maker.
Same. It’s much more enjoyable to be alone.
I am the same. Allthough I think I will step on the wagon again if a 'normal' woman comes by. I think I will be able to have a happy relationship. But I am not gonna search with apps or whatever tools. If I comes it's OK. Otherwise it's also OK.
People try to fix a mate, it's also ego to think we can, it's not our job, our job is to make sure we are not the people who behave manipulatively.
@@BrownmahfunShe‘s a fraud.
Lisa I've watched almost every single podcast from Andrew on youtube. You not only asked him the most unique questions ive heard him be asked, but also asked questions that i feel he genuinely saw as good questions he enjoyed engaging in. Absolutely great work.
Completely agree she was asking the questions I’ve wanted all the other people to ask him. This is pure gold
After I married my ex husband I never trusted him. After we got married he told me that sex was me, not him…His boundary was I wasn’t allowed to have sex unless he came to me… That was a red flag to me. Over the yrs he used sex to punish me… So if he would normally want sex once a month & I made him upset he would make me wait another month. I learned not to try to seduce him through him slapping my hand. He was a huge gaslighter as well! He treated me like a child, one that he didn’t like lol. We were married for 30 yrs. He never told me that I was beautiful or smart. No credit for anything that I did. He took all the credit for our home projects . He was stoic & showed no compassion for my suffering , not even when I lost my parents. I had to be very methodical to get him to divorce me bc he was very good at looking perfect to the world. We’ve been divorced for 3 yrs & I’m so at peace being alone. I’m 58 & I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be in another relationship again!
OMG your husband sounds mentally disturbed. I am so glad you escaped his clutches. Be careful of going from the frying pan into the fire.. a rebound relationship can bring another dangerous type to you. Take another few years to be single until you fully recover from your ex husbands abuse. After awhile you'll seriously enjoying being single and free from hassle and enjoy friends and hobbies.
Be safe always. Be happy now and live your best life.
God bless 🙌
@@sarahmurphy-nf4yl Thank you for your kind supportive words! It has been 3 yrs since our divorce. I just got back into working out & it feels great! I’m taking care of my mental & physical health!
I’m not sure if I could ever be with a man again. I’m very content being alone! I’m at peace for the first time in my life! I don’t need the porn addiction or any womanizing that men justify bc they’re men lol. I date occasionally & it’s very disappointing to say the least! My BS detector goes off a lot! 😂
I really just prefer to have guy friends without any sex… no extra benefits here!
In my mind I think it would be nice to find love & not be alone but my body says hell no… I’m a Christian so I seek God for truth & he always tells me when a man isn’t right for me. He told me before I got married to Jim but I was only 24 & I didn’t understand that God was warning me, but I’m 58 today and now I listen to God’s warnings!
God bless you as well! ❤️
Er, let me tell you something you are overlooking. You were never "in" a relationship for 30 years. You were someone's prisoner/slave.
Your ex husband sounds like he had heavy narcissistic traits with some sadistic tendencies. You are lucky to be rid of him. Rebuild your life and get to know anyone over a long period of time. Spend time discovering what you like to do and make some friends. Good luck! 🤞
Yeah I would of ✌🏾 he’s a 🤡
One of the first things I do on dates is asking guys, "Tell me about your relationship history". If they things like, "she was crazy", it's a hard nope. I also ask if where they contributed to the downfall of the relationship. If they answer with no self reflection, again hard nope. It's hard to reject those who you really want to like. Like yourself and your peace more.
How ever if the person has been victimized by a narc. There is often not two sides to the story. Often they have done everything in the world to make it work. They may have only contributed to the downfall of the relationship by being naive in the first place, not feeding the narc. What he/she wants any more, and finally figuring out what they are all about..
Well, I'm flattered. A guy I was dating who turned out to be a sociopath (by the CIA's definition here) told me I was hard to get to know. I was a little insulted, and partly confused, but now I'm super flattered.
Once you break my trust, you won't get it again. Period.
Exactly, same here!
1000% Never again
A relit cigarette never tastes the same 😂
2@lyneadetyfitness why what makes you so great that you can be trusted bubble 🫧 ❤️
Just dont put the same mistrust to the next person
OH MY GOSH! Thank you, Lisa for bringing Andrew on!! I just ended a relationship with an ex-CIA guy!! Like a for-real CIA guy. Had people and family all back it up. I now realize just how naive I was to ALL 4.5 years of his sh!t! He would do or say something that was a red flag. I’d either take a break , only later to get roped back in. OR, even worse, “push” through it like it was just a bad day. My best friend just died and he was upset I threw off his plans for the holiday weekend. No, “I’m sorry for your loss,” or, “How are you doing?” Nothing! I was never more than a target to feed his narcissism. And thank you to Andrew for being willing to put this out there!!! MUCH needed information, especially for women of all ages!
Guy sounds like he has ZERO EMPATHY!!! Good riddance to him!
Vulnerability is beautiful, but when a guy gets mad because you’re not vulnerable that’s a huge red flag go run. If this person doesn’t understand that maybe you’ve been hurt badly and you need to go slow then they’re not worth your time.
Love this perspective. If they really love the person you will go at a slow place
Pace , working through, prove it.
vulnerability is EARNED. trust is earned. when they want to start chipping away to get to that too early in, they are just trying to break in to damage you and take from you. i have always said, its funny how most men will go around agreeing that "men" are all liars and cheaters... but then most men also get pissed off when we don't put a religious-like faith in them instantly. if they aren't willing to slowly get to know you and earn the trust, they are not to be trusted.
❤
That owns the world against me for failing him cause he disguised himself as someone who hurt me.
"being hurt badly" especially familialy from early childhood or developmental years is the very source traumas that are root causes of cluster b personality disorder trauma psychological coping mechanisms. Getting mad is factually not a correct response, however, If vulnerability and intimacy is not the direction observably being moved towards in an interpersonal relationship, it is factually a self sabotaging behavioral pattern to the relationship.
OMG when he said " if he makes you feel that everything is your fault, he is part of the 10 %" that hit me hard. That and the conditions on affection. My ex did both of those. But, that first one. Wow! I could never be right. Everything was my fault, not matter what I did. Once I figured that out, I was on my way out the door soon after.
Please see Princella the Queen maker.
Yes.. and they also will tell you " nobody likes you but everybody loves me!" They really are loved and liked.. It's has to explain.😢😢😢
That person is my mother. Nothing is ever her fault. She is never wrong. I can barely have a conversation with her on the phone now as she immediately starts telling me why my current state is wrong. She reduces everything I think or feel to nothing. Yet, I can't just walk away. I know that she was damaged via her childhood. I can see from where she gets this 'quality.' So I stick around, just in very small measures.
If someone can make you feel like this, and you really believe that everything is your fault, you need therapy.
Yeah that’s a narcissist for you. It took me 4 years to realize that I was with one. Scary sad and hurtful. I thought we were building something but we weren’t he was just drawing me dry from my light, my love, myself, I was not me when I left quite literally trembling with my mind broken
The "creepy guy" is the person you need not be too worried about ladies. Its the guy with the glib charm that you should be suspicious about.
Both. My very nerdy, kind of creepy ex was a narc. His game was to be shy and introverted and his discard & refusal to show empathy was devastating.
Don't tell us what to be worried about manipulator! The creep is also bad!
Creepy and charming go hand in hand. The creepy guy pours on the charm to manipulate a person.
Actually, watch out for the creepy ones too!! Trust me!! 😮
I grew up in a family full of narcissists and sociopaths, once I see a trait that is in any way recognizable of this type, I will have nothing to do with them. Thank goodness I've never personally gotten involved with these creatures, myself but I have seen the damage they do. Surround yourself with good people and you will be happy.
Yes. Amen. 🙏 People do NOT understand what an insane amount of pain and confusion is associated with this kind of manipulation and unnatural stunted bonding that occurs at the earliest stages of life for the children of cluster B personality types. Narcissistic and histrionic and antisocial… it’s like growing up in a nightmare, but you don’t realize it’s abnormal for so many years…. Thank you for the comment and good luck and God bless. My heart goes out to you.
You are smart to have survived and learned from this so well. You sound incredibly healthy, considering. So many of us walk into the familiarity because we are trapped by the feeling of home, combined with the sense of excitement which is really their thrill at luring us, not realizing it is only the surface charm and not what is under the covers waiting to parasitically predate on and destroy us.
@@pokemonpro8438 Sending you love and healing, my friend. We will be stronger and wiser after walking through the hottest of hells. Only the bravest of souls dare to play this videogame of life, through, hey?
@@pokemonpro8438 Yes, they are very good at pretending to be normal but they can only keep it up for so long. Most people have too much self-pride or integrity to do the things these "people" do to get what they want (to use others). Most people also feel embarrassed about bad behavior, these people do not. I wish you well.
@@CADYALLISON Thank you, I appreciate that, hopefully you no longer have to deal with these "people" and also God bless.
nearly 7 years after a 3 year relationship with a narc and i'm still healing - today, his current girlfriend apologised to me and thanked me for going out of my way to warn her 6 years ago
all these years no one believed me, and now it's so ironic that she's the one giving me the validation i needed
Ya these guys can look so nice kind and perfect to the outside world that it make you look like you're the troubled one. Only someone else in a relationship with them really knows. You were lucky to get out and good uou told the girlfriend after you. Well done.
Wow
@@sarahmurphy-nf4yl it's been a whirlwind of emotions - healing is also not for sissies, sigh
Narcissist-dax, kerosene- the interrupters, good enough- evanescence, redemption song- bob marley. Just songs that got me through hard times.
If you ever notice a man who’s exes are all friends, that’s a big red flag he’s an abuser. My friend was with an abuser and couldn’t understand why his ex wife was terrified of him, and she was young so she believed his lie that she had extreme mental issues, is afraid of everyone, and can’t handle leaving the house, and she’s also supposedly a pathological liar. Right. He even told her one day she would be friends with his ex wife. He nearly ended her several times and now she’s close with his ex, who he still targets with filthy emails.
INFJ empath here…..omg, this is so true. Raised by a malignant narcissist and keep being sucked in by them. Such great info! Thank you! 🥰
So sorry for those experiences!! As an enfp, i am fascinated by infjs.
Every vulnerable person, regradless of his/her age or gender, needs to watch this extremely important, informative content in the name of self-protection.
Sex, not gender. To be a woman It’s not a feeling
Adding that in the Know, Like, Trust phase, we often “Like” bc the manipulator is mirroring you back to yourself. That’s why they feel like such a soulmate. All manipulation.
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
In this world verify everything. Discernment. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record A background check is a necessity. Trust needs to earned.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Yes until you cotton on and hold that mirror up to them 😂😂😂😂😂
I did it
I’m now free
@@janedoh123me too! 🎉 Freedom from all the manipulation and emotional dysregulation they bring with them.
"How do I end this conversation?" This is me every day, even with people I know. 🤣🤣🤣
I'm 47 years old female . Why didn't I hear this before!!! Life changing
Because our society is ran by personality disorders and so many things are.
Just be glad you didn't experience it.
Try to find a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. What it boils down to is that women have been made vulnerable by being conditioned to be nice, to people-please. Women put themselves in dangerous situations because they are afraid to be seen as "rude", as Huberman details. And woe be unto her who does not meet societal expectations. Prepare to be torn to shreds by other women. So pick your poison, because once a group of women decides they don't "like" you because you don't behave the way they think you should and go on social media and assassinate your character, you may prefer the killer. Once you quit doing everything others want you to do, have a mind of your own, and start exerting your free will, I think you will find the number climbs from 1 in 10 to 99 out of 100. Take it from someone who has Asperger's, the price of not folding to the will and demands of others is incredibly steep.
Makes you wonder, why is this knowledge not taught in schools, every grade every year till we graduate. Wow, the crap that some people are subjected to by their abusers, what the hell is wrong with the human race..
Women and men need to look at themselves and say no matter how much I failed no matter what I’ve done and how far behind I am I am so worthy of being treated with decent respect and love❤!! don’t ever settle
You don't ever think of learning to walk as overcoming failure. Learning to have healthy relationships is a journey. Lessons get learnt all the time.
This❤
I love this 🎉🎉🎉🎉
“Vulnerability is not weakness.” Brilliant statement. If I pay attention to areas that I am vulnerable, I can be prepared for con artist and bad life encounters. I can be a better decision maker, with awareness of my own vulnerabilities.
I needed to hear this ….. I was missing my ex and I started to remember how horrible he actually was !!!
Same for me just thinking of the way he treated me and made me feel quickly makes me snap out of any delusion.
Its best to remember the percentage of the bad times to recognize the lesson learned why the relationship ended. .Relationship autopsy of your past relationships to determine if there is a pattern. Breaking the cycle.
We are a common denominator in our relationships.
The Duluth Power And Control Wheel
In this world verify everything. Discernment. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. A stranger can say anything. A background check is a necessity. Fact check. References from people who know him. We commonly are attracted to the familiar. Someone who resembles our childhood caregivers. IMAGO
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
The Mask You Live In Documentary
The Science Of Cheating- Maken Murphy podcast
Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD podcast.
Ive Scanned 250,000 Brains This Is Really How Men Think Dr Daniel Amen and Lisa Biyeu podcast
Missing! I’m wishing mine would move even further than five states away or whatever it is😂😂
It's like the euphoric recall a drug addict gets when they remember all the "good times." Not even thinking about how it nearly destroyed your life.
Shame and guilt will keep you with a manipulator.
Yep, I got trapped in their web of lies for > 50 years! Trying to get my devouring mom to cut the umbilical cord, and hoping in vain both my mom and malignant narc sister would become milder over the years. However, these inhuman souls are black and there is a false self. They want to win at the costs of your health and their claimed to be love is conditional as long as you are their doormat. You can't please them as they are unhappy forever and want you to be miserable as well. Got a burnout thanks to these aggressive malignant females. I assume my mom has a borderline personality disorder and my sister developped a hoarding disorder on top of it due to abandonment issues. 😔
No. Low self esteem and self worth will
I think it's more like the Nars wearing down your instincts and self trust. They teach you, through a roller coaster of regular reward and punishments, that you will never be strong enough to leave and you need them. Over time they get worse qnd apologize in cycles becoming your night and day, always promising dawn is on the horizon if you follow their specific demands. If you're in love, you just want to win their genuine acceptance, after feeling crushed. You lose trust with each "second" chance for the originally love bombing charmer you hoped would finally re-emerge. Hope springs eternal until you snap out of their spell and let them walk. Then never take them back - firmly reminding them it was their choice you are honoring, so they are less likely to act angry and do harm to you.
No matter how "nice" they get, it's as fake as the initial love bombing stage, where they were "perfect". If you talk to them later, they will try to punish you on some level for getting away. Keep a safe distance. Thankfully, the 10% with said diseases are widely discussed online now so the public is finally forwarned. However unfortunately the 10% will invariably try to label those who figured them out and escaped as the problem with their disease.
I took a gift to a new friend in the hospitalfor a heart attack. When he told me he threw it at his nurse bc a procedure hurt (and other similar stories), I later explained I could not date him like he wanted. He called me B S Crazy, which confirmed my assessment. It's part of their disorder. Don't get upset about the false accusation. Laugh at the irony to yourself, dismiss it, and move on. Now if 3 people who don't know each other ever tell you the same thing, it might be worth scheduling some counseling to explore it. 😅😏
@@namasteaoccasionally getting a bit of what you most desire keeps you with them
Meyers Briggs is a starting framework but people are more complicated
I wish I could’ve shown myself this video 15 years ago. I’m really taking the ‘take it slower’ advice. Some of the things he’s saying are just blowing my mind, everything he’s talking about, my ex partner did. I’m so determined I’m not gonna be manipulated like that again.
A healthy relationship is reciprocal not transactional. Transactional relationships occur with narcissist and other unhealthy people.
Exactly. Bizarre that he chose that word.
What he explained was exactly reciprocity but chose the word ''transaction''. Imho, it's not so far from the truth and not necessarily unhealthy as long as both partners offer, not only expect to receive.
Reciprocal is an excellent word choice! I understood what he meant when he said transactional, but a transaction can also be impersonal. The intention is what matters I guess.
@LisaTaylor-Austin
Thank you! I couldn't understand why he kept saying a healthy relationship is transactional.
There is definitely a difference in reciprocity versus transaction. He edified his use of transactional with an example of showing up for each other but a transaction is the flat exchange rate predetermined by how you decide to show up in the relationship.
Reciprocity has no limitations on creativity and the potential for giving to each other without taking score of who did what and when.
Transactions are record-keeping and is definitely healthy if both people are agreeing to what the relationship looks like, it’s not healthy if someone or both are using what is done or not done in order to restrict giving in the full spectrum of love and sensuality to one another unbridled by the expectation that the other do the exact same, the same way.
Transactional creates sameness and restriction of self unless there is a together and apart balance or approach is allowed to differentiate based on the individuals, which is less likely.
Reciprocity creates dynamic of two individuals sharing everything they are with one another and the ability of them to appreciate what each other have done and remember that without withdrawing affection or anything else if an expectation (a transaction, payment) isn’t met.
I am autistic. I appreciate the warning at the end. Andrew is correct that frustration and anxiety can drive behavior that can sometimes seem explosive. One key here is that we are thinking, "What is it we aren't getting? What are we doing wrong? What do I need to change about my behavior to better fit in and be accepted?" whereas a dark-triad person will not look internally to themselves -- they will look externally to you as the cause and then blame, attack, gaslight, and demean you. Autistic people can sometimes present uncomfortable and blunt truths but this is because we see truth in an absolute sense. If you ask me if that dress looks good on you, and I don't think it does I will tell you the truth of my opinion even though it might hurt you. This is because we want to be truthful -- not because we want to tear you down. -- Last thing ladies. If you are in a relationship and you aren't sure if your partner is dark-triad or autistic and the situation feels dangerous PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do what you need to do to protect you. Assume danger until proven otherwise. It sucks autistic people get caught in the cross-fire of misunderstandings but that is a hell of a lot better than you making excuses for your partner who is abusing you and means to harm you. Leave bad partners. If it feels dangerous, it probably is.
Please see "Princella the Queen maker".
Well hmmm,doens't telling people the truth even though its unkind, especially if they didn't ask you for it, make you lacking in empathy? Look at yourself first and stop blaming autism for your own shortcomings. Everybody has issues, and becuase you were abused is not an excuse to abuse someone else. Almostveryone has something that hurt them or these days a permanent disability, not just you.. I understand how hard it is, but don't make excuses for yourself either. It works both ways, you don't get a free card for bad behavior because of a disability or autism. Sure it's hard, but you do have to take rsponsibility for your own behavior if it's unacceptable and distructive and abusive to other people whether you have any kind of illness or not. Self relfect, hard but it's worth it in the long run.
@@MZ-rv1bu What an incredibly ableist and unempathetic reply. :(
@@MZ-rv1bu Autistic people think that being honest is important, while they might lack the finesse of understanding that being blunt with telling truth can accidentally be hurtful to others. So many autistic people are not bad, their actions are interpret as bad by the neurotypicals. Many autistic people are very honest. Of course there are also AH's in the mix. But that's different, if someone is hurting you on purpose versus an autistic person being honest. Don't assume that an autistic person wants to offend you.
@@MZ-rv1buHonestly, something is wrong with your Reading Comprehension Skills. He/she simply said that if ASKED for an opinion on how someone looks, they are honest. They value honesty over lying to someone just to shmooze or charm or appease them. I find that refreshing and prefer it in my conversations!! 😉
My intuition is never wrong. I just wish I’d never ignore it. When I do, negative consequences transpire that can be devastating. I’m an INTJ.
INTJ here, i learned the hard way, always listen to that voice.
💯 as INTJ it's so easy to spot patterns...issue is the doubting yourself
"The thing that is really precious is our sense of independence. And once you merge your sense of independence with someone else it's hard to get it back." YES!!!
In this world verify everything
Never doubt patterns. Aka The Track Record. A stranger can say anything.
Discernment. .A background check is a necessity.
Standards boundaries a bs detector and a backbone 💪.
Never tolerate disrespect.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma----Sam Vaknin podcast
The Genetics Of Cheaters --Maken Murphy podcast
The Mask You Live In Documentary.
Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All David Tian PhD podcast
Oh yes! That fusion that felt so intoxicating is likely going to destroy your sense of self faster than you can ever realize.
@sherriflemming3218 our state offers free online court records. I try to find out a man's middle name and age early on and run the free check. It won't tell you if they did something in another state, or obviously if they get away with crime. It's still worth a look. Also, yes there are one in 10 psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists in society. But when you consider they find their targets online, you can consider a much higher percentage in dating sites. Now days, I go with the mindset, prove to me you are NOT a dark triad person, if I meet a man online dating.
The reason I never married. And still glad I didn't.
I'm thankful to be single. I didn't marry the wrong man. We are commonly attracted to the familiar. Someone who resembles our childhood caregivers. IMAGO
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future Sam Vaknin podcast
The Genetics Of Cheaters --Maken Murphy podcast
The Mask You Live In Documentary
Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All David Tian PhD podcast
Tell them no flat out. The reaction gives them away immediately!!! They don’t accept the word no.
@@Aurelie-bu7yf that covert kind is sooo mind effing!! Say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s always some code or hidden context.
Quickest and most honest way to “test” someone
@@Otter__Chaos yeah dont explain just say no and see what happens.
True, it works that’s when the lightbulb switched on, knew I had made a huge mistake, owned a house he had nothing, he ended up a business man and used my mo ey to get there, I got nothing out of the business, they are frauds, never again I had to fight so hard and didn’t retrieve what I previously had. found out too late what a fraud he was to my so called suppose to look after me Solicitor, female never again the system sucks
This is the best information I've ever come across. Four decades with a sociopath... I'm out, I'm free, I'm still trying to make sense of what happened to me. Andy lays it out - brilliantly.
This is excellent. This is what the public dialogue needs right now-CIA level intelligence about liars and conartists.
Yeah, because we can’t tell.
They won't tell us
They know we know, we know they know, we know they know we know.
this isn't cia intelligence... he leads in talking about myers-briggs which even high school students learn in psych, but he doesn't even have a grasp of the jungian cognitive functions and hes wrong about entps. he was only right about most women scoring isfj on the tests but even that means nothing when the tests are going by dichotomy merely...
@@savedbyzero8340 yep, I’m wondering who isn’t.
INFP here , have dealt with what seems 29 of the 30m of them. When i was young , it was real easy for them, and very damaging to me. Now at 43, after lots of healing and growing i can still be fooled , just not as often . #evolving ❤my heart is with all of you.
Infp here too! I’m more discerning too after years!
INFJ here and we really attract narcs like no one else. We're the rarest personality type and I guess stick out like sore thumbs. These narcs came after me every single place I went. They are murderers and I almost died numerous times.
Yep, INFP here too. I think what sometimes gets us into trouble isn't so much feeling like we have to follow society’s expectations for women (unlike ISFJs, for example - I don’t really care about that), but more that we tend to live in our own fantasy worlds. I'm such a romantic that I can create an entire love story in my head if I decide I like someone, and overlook my gut instincts. I lack grounding. However, that same imagination, which can make me vulnerable because I love stories so much, also saves me. Because I’m also highly introspective and sharp, and as such I notice when someone starts having a negative impact on me. That’s when my defense mechanism kicks in, and I start pulling away from narcissists. So luckily I never got into a serious relationship with any of them. Luckily for me their lack of depth and superficiality eventually becomes a turn off. However, if I ever come across an incredibly intelligent narcissist, who will be able to fake depth, I might still fall into a trap.
@@beatap4425 yep mine was fake deep do I got fooled! You said the key words: trust your instincts!
He said something that hurt me and it is so true… when your head is on the ground and when you’re struggling it’s always always when these weasels weave into your life. Ladies watch what you do when you’re sad
My ex literally said he can “mold and change himself to fit any situation and get what he wants and win”
He literally told me that about 2 weeks in.
This is when I started my digital diary and documented everything
I’m about 3 months after months of love bombing, I noticed he completely pulled away. Causing me to start chasing.
This lasted just a few days before I remembered all of the podcast that I listen to.
All 3 months I noticed he would ask me for things, want to spend the night a lot because it was closer to his job, and he would want me to buy him things.
Educate yourself ladies.
What an obnoxious ass he must have been, bet your so glad you got out of that.
Stories like this send chills down my spine. Really, really dark people out there. I personally know someone like this that is the most charming,charismatic, and socially “talented” person I know. I’ve always known something was off with him but I was always fascinated by how he was able to control people like a puppet master. I had an inside joke with myself that he didn’t have friends but rather a cult. Anyways, we ended up gracefully separating after I let him know that I knew who he really was.
Omg just got rid of same guy, yep, good riddance 🦈
If he says stuff like this it is a warning and it is good you recognized it as a red flag. There is nothing to be added to it. That statement alone is enough to say goodbye. Women make the mistake to try to make reason out of why he said this or that or why behaved this way, but the truth is they know exactly what they are doing and you know exactly why they are doing it. That should be enough to leave. I had an ex saying stuff to me he is more dangerous than I think, he can destroy me, he added threatening comments about a friend and joked about being a serial killer. Like, stop, women need to leave men like these asap but I observed that many women stay with cheaters or manipulators and forgive them for being literally shit human beings. Its doesnt make us women look good. We have to take some responsibility for why we allow those men to behave like this. If more of us would say no, stick to our no and move on from bs like this asap, more men would maybe start to change their behaviors (not saying its not their fault for being shitty human beings!!!).
You should have dumped him at the 2 week mark!
Real narcissistic personality disorder gets worse as they age the escalate.
Worse is debatable. They become more obvious and aggressive. Which is good for us because it's more obvious and easier to avoid and leave rather than someone that is so composed that they can destroy you from the inside out.
Exactly with younger ones covert narc . @@yamairad1
@@yamairad1was going to say exactly this. Their aggression is more apparent because they know you've figured them out but they will still try and manipulate you again. Some women still don't leave despite the truth surfacing but even worse than that is if the guy a stalker than it he will make sure you never move on from them
I didn't know this. I will research this. Thankyou for your information
Yup they graduate to premeditated murder in some cases!
I didn't even know people like this existed when I married my first husband. After ten years he left me penniless, disabled and utterly alone except for my two traumatized sons. Diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, and I still didn't leave. Didn't have any idea what it meant other than the end of my fairytale so I employed my many coping mechanisms to deny reality until my life became unrecognizable.
Everyone is calling me too much and paranoid when I am saying that at end, we never know who really is in front of us. My mother is one of them… Never trust anyone, ever. The gut is the right one.
In this world verify everything. Discernnent. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record
A stranger can say anything. A background check is a necessity. Date like a detective. Investigate like the FBI.
Adults choose their relationships.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? by Jonathon Aslay
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
The Science Of Cheating--Maken Murphy podcast
Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma----Sam Vaknin podcast
The Mask You Live In Documentary
Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All David Tian PhD podcast.
@iris. Yes , mine too, and she made me (until i was 50) and everyone else believe that my father was the bad guy..
"Trust No One" Benjamin Franklin, Versailles France, Circa 1783.
I disagree, as an abuse survivor of a 12 year relationship with a sociopath, you cannot trust your gut. Trust hard facts. Actions speak louder than words, period. Your "gut" can be contaminated by manipulation.
My mother was all this, horrible woman.
INFJ here and just out of a relationship with a Narcissist. I wish I would have known all of this 2 years ago. The abuse I went through is out of this world, and how he’d know how to get me back every time 🤯
Very valuable insights, Thank you ❤
I'm a infj did u ever start to think u were the narcissit that how I feel in my relationship even thow I know the gaslighting done to me is fact and her not owning up to anything as soon as we get close or I think we are about 2 be she starts a fight then I feel guilty and apolitigize non stop and now I can't get her to say she loves me
All the time. But now I feel that that’s the point. They steal so much of your personality and bait you to the point where then you act out of character. At least that’s true for me. I wouldn’t recognize myself.
But I know for a fact that I don’t act like this with other people and my intentions are pure. I don’t do things to get something in return and certainly do I not get pleasure in seeing someone else’s pain. If that is you, you are NOT the narcissist.
INFJ too, so glad you’re out. Took me far too long. Doubtful of my own intuition. Free for 5 years but it wasn’t my first experience.
some part of you knew, i would guess... but you wanted to have faith in him when he told you not to believe yourself.
@@richardvaughan8765 the narcissist always exports their own negative qualities to others. every negative thing they are, they will point their finger and tell others "U ARE!" so yes, when you are in a relationship with a narcissist they will try to make you feel like you are the selfish abusive @hole. every time, not just with an infj victim.
I had a coworker who was quite obviously on the scary end of the ASPD once you paid attention to his tells. A glaring one was when we went to a theatre production as part of a business celebration. When a female actor was demonstrating severe emotional pain in one scene, everyone was reaching for the tissues and he sat forward in his seat, watching intently and started chuckling….😬
That is so disturbing....
@@NovaPrincess once you know to watch for it you can pick them up easily. Even more disturbing was that he was a very baby faced slightly chubby short man with, oddly, very tiny hands and feet…he looked non threatening like you could trust him with your kids. 5 minutes in his company and you really got the creeps though
@@Jaydaydesign stay safe.
Ew
INFJ here. Supposedly the rarest of all personalities. ISFJ never heard of. I prefer being alone but I am energized by good people.
same
Me three! 😃
Me four! 🙋
Same here
Get you some INFP friends. There are twice as many INFP's statistically speaking.
As an INTJ woman, I and many of my female INTJ counterparts have dated narcissists as well. They are attracted to our intelligence, long roster of achievements, and indomitable spirits (which they see as a challenge to dominate). While we’re very rational, many of us are secretly very empathetic and humanitarian (tertiary Fi when developed), and also don’t tend to judge people for going against social norms (as many low-empathy types often do). Our hyper-rationality also tends to cause us to doubt our gut or our feelings when we don’t have concrete data to back it up (secondary Te).
Honestly, Robert Hare, who first observed and developed the concept of psychopathy, said anyone can easily be sucked into their manipulation and charm, and Hare cited examples of highly trained team members interviewing known psychopaths in prison and being sucked into their charm. What makes you most vulnerable is thinking that you aren’t.
Sounds like you need an INTP boyfriend
As an INTJ woman, you have explained this/us perfectly!!
Intj female too. I am also pretty good at reading a man also regarding patterns of behaviour from a diverse source. I have a understanding of various behaviour patterns I don't tend to judge
I’m watching this as an INFJ and didn’t listen to my intuition. Thankfully I figured it out before I put myself in danger but I need to trust my intuition every time because I’m never wrong. 😩
Yep....i lost my 14 yr career, home of 14 yrs and relationship with my son effected horribly.... i try to forgive myself everyday...and am praying for a financial miracle to rebuild
YOU are that miracle.
Check out @DrSonjaStribling - she's learned how to find her strength after such adversity!
@831VibezTribe
How did you lose your career and home after 14 years?
Rebuild your life and be thankful that you have learned an incredibly important lesson. You will make it good again.❤
wowwho are u living my life but mine was 15 yrs and my son was 17and even 15yr job same same its scary im broke i havnt been this broke since the 90si dont know how ill b able to pay anybills mortgage just gots to trust God cuz idont want to be homeless with my baby dogs so stay strong really dont think we have a choice remember a mustard seed amount of a knowing ,faith thats all it takes
This happens in friendships as well- not only romantic or familial relationships. Sadly, so many malignant narcissists claim their former failed friendships and relationships were with narcissists when they themselves are the abusive narcissists. This information is helpful. Beware of what people tell you because they will show you who they are soon enough.
In this world verify everything
Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record
Discernment. A stranger can say anything.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
Be careful with people who subtly blame all their ex partners for why it didn’t work out.
This is why it is so important not to jump into relationships with someone you really don’t know. Meet their friends and family. Check out the stories they tell about their ex’s. Find out how this person ended the relationship- not just what he tells you.
Run like hell when you hear “ I love you” in the first month!
@sherriflemming3218 Very Good I have read a good number of books on here.
I will also add Seduced by a Sociopath by Donna Anderson, Becoming Toxic Person Proof by Sarah K thompson, Charm to Harm by Amy Lewis Bear, How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra L Brown
Knowledge is power!
Thank you for the reading material! Agree with everyones comments! I vet everyone, man or woman, romantic or not! It does take me time, but it can be done!
ISFJ here. Makes so much sense. It seems all my relationships were with narcissistic men. No longer want one at all.
It has taken me an entire lifetime to stop blaming a 'bad picker' and instead understand there are so many manipulators and conmen out there - and to make it my whole business to never give the benefit of the doubt when dealing with the unknown and humans - I'm not talking about being paranoid. I'm talking about understanding many people just do not approach life and have standards such as mine and I must be keenly aware that the vast majority will not be for me. Time and time again I was astonished at how I ended up with a relationship where the person was someone I could not/should not - be with - to my detriment - and that there was very little that was benefiting me - and where all the benefit was coming from me
Yes!! I keep thinking I'm way too old to still be making the same mistakes!! The number of manipulative, deceptive people in our society is exceptionally high, Unfortunately, I love to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it's far too dangerous to do that anymore.
@@susan2995 I am still astonished to this day, in dealing with all sorts of transactions - most recently, selling stuff online the folks that come at you to try to scam you.... I just feel deflated on how humans are, and I don't wish to become bitter towards my fellow human however I'm still dismayed that the good on this earth really seem to be within a very small portion of humanity - my rejection button has to be implement all the time
@@susan2995 its not as high as your making it out to sound, the mass majority of men are normal lol
I have no good reason to give THEM the benefit of the doubt anymore.
I give MYSELF the benefit of the doubt...in MY favor.
@@prozues1 If that's true then what is normal? And thanks, hard pass
Sometimes when nothing is very obvious, keep a dream journal noting how you react to that dream. Very often the subconscious senses things which the conscious might miss
What's trippy for me is I was friends with a person whom I ALMOST started a relationship with, when I first met him, I didn't have a good feeling about him, but unfortunately, I shrugged it off. Then one time, I had a dream that I was bitten by a green snake, I looked up the (biblical) meaning (I believe in Christ, so ofc some meanings can vary in dreams) & I learned that a green snake represented betrayal including betrayal of trust; I was oblivious to the red flags, the manipulation & the exploiting, & the lying that was going on in the "friendship"... after I cut ties with him, I looked back & I just thought about that dream & everything just connected together like a puzzle. I just thank God for getting me out of that relationship, forgave him (no, I did NOT come back to him), & moved on with my life (difficult journey, but worth it). So yea, at least for me, that just confirms your point on how the subconscious senses things the the conscious can't.
I believe in this !!!
There is a great book that would go well with this. It's called The Gift of Fear. I read it a few years ago and gave it to many female friends and relatives. It's about trusting your intuition and not worrying about being polite.
ps, as an enfj i have fallen into the trap of trusting people who did nothing to earn the trust.
Same
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
In this world verify everything
Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record
Discernment. A stranger can say anything.
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
As someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional home and learned to abandon myself at an early age, I too have this problem
Trust is earned always!
Don't get trapped into these useless letters they mean nothing.
I have been in relationship with several severe, abusive and cheating narcissists, and both of my parents have narc traits. What I learned is that there is no such thing as an innocent victim of a narcissist (outside of childhood). We want something from them that in a way is our OWN narcissistic desire, that's why it's so easy to fool us. We have to be willing to give up the desire to be desired, wanted, and provided the "fantasy" life, or else we are very easy to manipulate. Take ownership and NEVER compromise for wanting to be "in a relationship", be "valued by some hot guy," or any other idolatrous behavior. Until we give up our OWN self centered desires we can fall for this crap.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
In this world verify everything. Discernment. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record A background check is a necessity.
We are commonly attracted to someone that resembles our childhood caregivers. IMAGO. Safety first.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
The Genetics Of Cheaters - Maken Murphy podcast
Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD podcast.
Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma----Sam Vaknin podcast
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
We commonly choose partners that resemble our childhood caregivers. Attracted to the familar.
In this world verify everything. Discernment. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record A bqckground check is a necessity. Verify facts.
Dont count red flags and dealbreakers.
I agree with you to an extent. There is usually childhood trauma behind it. And can the desire be rooted in trauma and neglect etc... and cause many to "settle" so they get that hidden desire/need met. Yes. Can it be our own narcissistic desire, yeah but it depends. It can be a human desire that was never met without it being narcissistic. I say this, because many women and men already fault themselves plenty for "failing" to listen to their gut, failing to pay attention to red flags, and for failing to leave an abuser sooner and the list goes on. Many times it is not their fault. Ultimately as adults yes we are responsible! If it is rooted in childhood trauma and childhood environment, we need to give a large space of compassion and not blame to beautiful souls that usually are the ones that end up as narcissists targets. Again, yes there is a healing junction in someones journey where they need to take responsibility for healing, growing, educating self and avoiding toxic destructive relationships. But in the beginning a target needs validation and self compassion.
@@RobynMStarr So well said! Thank you! Yes, I'm talking from a really emotionally and spiritually mature place, a Biblically grounded place. But stepping into this level of accountability is where the power to truly transform, not just emotionally and in avoiding future relationships with narcs, but everywhere in life 💜🙏
@@PropheticCoachTheresa Yes and amen! :)
OMG. I’m listening to this while at work and when he said that he is the biggest advocate for women, then that he took his wife’s last name… I just started tearing up. Why? Not sure. But I am moved by how beautiful this episode is ❤
Thank you
I love what this man says and how he speaks, he is so articulate.
Thanks Lisa for inviting him.
I also think MBTI is a fantastic tool.
This guy is fantastic. I will rewatch this. Every woman needs to protect themselves.
Indeed Safety first. In this world verify everything. A background check is a necessity. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
The Mask You Live In Documentary
The Genetics Of Cheaters by Maken Murphy podcast
About 30% of women have personality disorders while only 18% of men do.
This man is great. Full of useful info and experience and a non-conformist who actually walks that walk!. Bravo!
So true about social norms.
When I was 20 years old, I was walking to my apartment in broad day light and noticed a guy following me. There were so many opportunities for me tell someone, or just go into a restaurant, but I didn't want to look like I thought "I was pretty enough." or not be believed. I walked home with the intent, that I would walk right into my unit and shut the door. He got into my unit before me.
Be careful out there. I didn't end up getting hurt that day, luckily. But it was close ... but the social norms women are taught just benefit preditors more and they know it. Good example mentioned here of Ted Bundy.
And to add, I didn't even call the police afterwards. It didn't even cross my mind.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker pdf and podcasts ( A PhD in human behavior)
Safe People by Henry Cloud book and podcasts
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft book and podcasts
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
In this world verify everything. Discernnent.
Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record
A background check is a necessity. Verify facts.
Standards boundaries a bs detector and a backbone 💪 Always be aware of your surroundings. Situational awareness and intuition.
When you meet a shark swim away.
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
The Science Of Cheating--Maken Murphy podcast
The Genetics Of Cheating Maken Murphy podcast
The Mask You Live In Documentary
Be careful if you love in the same unit.. they can come back even years later. That's a pattern with burglars to try same houses again after a few years or to tell other criminals about it.
If someone is following you, be paranoid because they don’t care if you’re pretty or not! They care if you’re alone
@@e.zwegat7130 OMG. You said what I was trying formulate. Thank you.
@lovetomarket- As the mother of 3 grown daughters, the saddest thing about your experience is the fact that your perception of how attractive you are determined whether you were worthy of protection. Your comment shook me to my core. Please put yourself first.
I keep watching this interview over and over till I get it a 100% right. Thanks Lisa & Andrew!
I grew up in a religious Doomsday cult. It's a miracle that I finally broke this cycle. I am grateful everyday that I broke the cycle of violence and manipulation and mind control that I survived as a child and a young adult, and even later. The last relationship that was toxic was 10 years ago. I have done nothing but self-repair, and become self aware since then. I am 58, and I will not die in this toxic pattern. There is a lot of Hope and there is a lot of healing if you want to look into yourself, and find the patterns that you once allowed, and that once passed for love for you. To LIBERTAD! FREEDOM!
ExJW? Me, too
ISFJ here. Possibly empath.
I could totally identify. I am recently divorced. There was gaslighting, lying, blame shifting and projecting. He ended up moving out, I think because I called him out. I actually videoed an argument without him knowing. He did exactly what I thought by denying what was said. I showed him the video. He could hardly watch himself. He doesn’t want transparency. He wants to believe something different about himself. He said what I did was terrible. I just needed truth! He left.
Maybe because I stood my ground and would not comply any longer. This ISFJ had enough
Takes a year to break that trauma bond ❤️🩹
I kind of didn't like that he used MBTI to explain this. I know INFP's and ESFJ's and INFJ's who are also victim to being abused like this. I think there are LOT of women regardless of MBTI who get manipulated. None of the reasons why an ISFJ is any more likely made any sense to me.
He left because he knew he was busted and he was embarrassed and mad AF. He felt shame. They do EVERYTHING they can to project and blame shift so they never have to take accountability. You caused a narcissistic injury. I hope you got rid of him.
Good for you! 🙌 INFJ here who also caused a couple men to melt down into narcissistic collapse. Giving myself time to be single. I don’t know if I will ever date again because life is so much better being alone. It’s total freedom and peace.
I am really happy for you!!
Know-like-trust!! OMG!! As a feeler I can tell you our Achilles’ heel is to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Always our blind spot.
Ugh yeah... Never give the benefit of the doubt or at least always keep people at a distance idk I'm so sick and tired
key: they find joy in. breaking you down and when they cant, you will see them spazz out when they realize that you know, theyre a facade
2:06:38 Your discussion of autism here is SOOOOO true! I have a high functioning autistic son and worry about his social interactions all the time, particularly law enforcement or others on that parallel spectrum that might see him as prey. Frustration is a huge part of his life because of that struggle to communicate and be understood. I pray for him a LOT!
The church stole my nephew with autism. watch who you let around you and in your social groups or if anyone takes a liking to him as a person.
I’m autistic. What do you mean “others on that parallel spectrum “..?
Autistic people are good BS detectors 😎❤
@@ContentRemoved___I'm guessing they mean people with power like a police officer
This is ridiculous police dont hunt for autistic people to abuse what really happens is the autistic person acts in a bizarre way in the policeman's perception....he can misinterpret the person as a threat. They arent clairvoyant and just know your son is autistic!
This is the best UA-cam interview I have ever watched about this very interesting topic. Andrew Bustamante explains everything in an understandable manner - thank you so much!
I do believe for skilled empaths with boundaries, vulnerability can be a strength. I’m not afraid to share my lessons or mistakes, pain, fears, human emotions and therefore the power that a secret has over me disappears. It also builds trust with others. And since there are more feeling, hurting and empathic people in the world, a skilled empath who can connect with others is more powerful than a narcissist. Narcissists don’t know what to do with someone who stays open to them and yet also does not let themselves be controlled. They show empathy, but they’re not manipulated or controlled by that person. I can use my empathic abilities to pick up on all of the internal conflict and struggle that narcissists and sociopaths carry on inside themselves in order to keep up their façade. They are in conflict all the time and usually their own worst enemy . So all you have to do sometimes is get out of their way, keep enough distance, and go along with their game on the surface but not get pulled in. I don’t want to give up my empathy or openness and constantly be shut down and guarded around people. That means that the sociopaths and narcissists win, but they’re definitely needs to be boundaries to keep self safe and being hurt or attacked. That’s where our empathic skills can alert us to potential danger. But then the art of not taking things personally and still remaining true ones self with integrity is the biggest win and superpower of them all. It’s more like a defensive game than an offensive game. But I love myself enough to appreciate, my intuition and empathy and compassion. I’m just more selective about who I let in all the way and how often. Women are definitely conditioned to not trust their own intuition and because of society, they look to others for authority, which causes us to be vulnerable to danger. We have to trust our own senses and logic and no one else’s. We are all we got.
I’m an ENFJ as well 😂
I agree about the empathic ability you talked about and being able to sense what’s going on inside them as like a warning bell-! I also went into a lot of energetic healing- taught reiki- did tarot- but also just being an empath you have this ability but honing it has def helped me. It’s very interesting when you are all of a sudden in an environment with someone and you haven’t even talked to them and you get that gut energetic feeling that something is off.
His suggestion for how to determine if someone is a psychopath or sociopath, struck a raw nerve with me. We have an epidemic of flakiness in our society. I would say 80% of the things people call me to ask me to do they not only don’t follow through, they don’t respond to calls or texts about why they didn’t follow through and then they never call to even apologize because they’re embarrassed or whatever their reason is. I literally had a friend out of town wanting to come rent my spare room. I got it ready halfway she never showed never called then out of the blue called again three months later said she was on her way. Would be there in two days, we busted our butt to get it ready. She came into town never showed never called got an apartment with somebody else and never apologized.. I have a girl who calls me every day and says, can I come over and see you then never shows never calls back never apologizes it’s totally off the chain, upsetting how people act these days. So no, I would not use a reaction to being stood up as proof they’re a socio/psychopath. People are over being manipulated and if you’re so self entitled it’s nothing to you to stand people up, you’re not worth it‼️
Literally have had the same stories all over and over again. And my question to myself is- WHY do I allow this to happen every time?! Why am I myself soooo naive? This person has showed me who they are, and I know 100% that’s true about them and won’t change, but here I am every time hoping this time is different..? Ridiculous but so true 😅 I don’t know how to respond and be like:”no, you’re bullshitting me , not interested, bye.” 🫣
@@montamusinska7464the healing begins with boundary setting. 🙏🏻❤️🩹
Unbelievable how many people take the living pea out of people ( us, I’ve had my fair share of people pleasing) they give us a ridiculous high standard of expectations of which they, not only wouldn’t, but couldn’t live up to yet sit in judgement of our failing and we find ourselves defending ourselves against facts plucked out of thin air and used against us and treated as it’s something we are being treated as if we are guilty of it?
You can’t make this s**t up can you
@@montamusinska7464because you don’t have strong enough boundaries ( if you wouldn’t be offended if someone said no to you if you asked the same of them then why are you worried about hurting their feelings?) ihad to learn the hard way
Agreed, and labels are inherently flawed!
As an INFJ woman of past 60, I’ve experienced a few different types. So grateful that this is finally out there.
It’s scary that the ones that are supposed to protect and keep safe are usually the ones who refuse to be policed, so become people in power to feed off the vulnerable.
Truly need to learn what is being taught here. Thank you so much. The unhealthy benefit of the doubt mindset has to go, especially for anyone vulnerable.
Definitely standing up and challenging the “ norm “ western society needs massive change.
Western society does need to change, it’s almost a totally lawless society these days
Thank you, Andrew!! It is so refreshing to listen to a guy who is so very knowledgeable AND willing to help women become more educated and able to better protect ourselves! Your family is SO lucky to have such a loving and giving man like you!!😊❤🎉
"Unless you're aware of what your vulnerabilies are, you're blind to how you're being duped."
- Andrew Bustamante
Dang, why didn't I hear of this?! That explains the structure of how manipulative people work. This saying is like a secret weapon against manipulators if you ask me
This interview can litterally save our Lives. Thanks and I will definately watch and watch again. There's alot to learn here.
Thank you for hosting and being a key guest of this interview. Andrew, I have listened to you on many other podcasts. Mostly those were male hosted. You fortunately brought a different air and information on this with Lisa that I haven't heard on the others. Lisa, Thank you for being a perfect host for such an interview with Andrew. Before I was half way thru, I sent it to my closest female friends and family that I know have struggled with these issues, including myself. I call it the 101 on this topic of protecting ourselves as women in an empowered, concise way. A very thoughtful, thorough interview that I cannot thank either of you enough for having! Opened my eyes to many key behaviors as a woman, as well as feeling validated in stopping certain relationships I could tell didn't feel right. I want to be able to still trust my intuition, but also understand that I have a responsibility to myself to think critically about things and about what society tells me I should accept.
My journal was my greatest asset, dealing with a narcissist. Also I noted fights, drunk driving, binges, etc on the kitchen calendar. There was the pattern in its truest colors. No lying.
I think it's more like 1 in 5 for narcissists. I think it's REALLY common to be somewhere on the narc spectrum. They may not be psychopaths but they're still damaging.
A lot of people have traits, but not enough and not extreme enough to be considered a full-on ASPD.
I'm watching this in sections so I really understand what is being said. This is really interesting. I'm always surprised at how many narcissists are in the world. We don't have to look far to find one. I mean a real one. It's crazy.
I'm considered a targeted individual. I've lived in my neighborhood for twenty years and in my community for over thirty years without any legal issues or problems. Suddenly, out of nowhere, long time neighbors came after me, began harassing me and vandalizing my home. When I couldn't get help from law enforcement, I knew they were involved. I'm a very strong, confidant, out going, intelligent, empathetic, kind woman who lives alone. Apparently, being a single attractive woman living alone makes one an easy target in our world today.
Very true!
I am in the exact same situation. I think it’s politically motivated.
I just subscribed to your channel in hopes that we can connect. I am in Phoenix experiencing the same issues.
What is so special about you that these people would spend thier time doing whatever it Is you think they're doing
@MartineReed do you have some political power? If not it makes zero sense.
This is gold, his advice is gold!
So true, about societal norms too... Women are not taught how to fight with male aggressors; when attacked, most of them just curl up and wait, either for him to stop, for some help to come or to die.
This book might help, i think: Fight Like a Girl...and Win: Defense Decisions for Women by Lori Hartman Gervasi
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? by Jonathan Aslay
In this world verify everything.
Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record
Discernnent. A stranger can say anything. Date like a detective. Investigate like the FBI. A background check is a necessity. Verify facts.
Romance chemistry and attraction does not create relationship success. Trust and respect are the foundation of healthy relationships.
Self defence and tactical training is empowering.
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma-Sam Vaknin podcast
The Mask You Live In Documentary
The Science Of Cheating--Maken Murphy podcast
I've Scanned 250,000 Brains This Is Really How Men Think - Dr Daniel Amen and Lisa Biyeu podcast
Thanks
I fight back now. I did then too, but it’s not good.
They have no chance when fighting off a male unless they are armed
Self defence and tactical training will teach you skills. One program in America is IMPACT. Martial arts, kickboxing classes are other classes that teach skills. There are also personal alarms available for purchase.
Learning how to recognize predators ( discernment) and how to deal with them. Always be aware of your surroundings. Situational awareness and intuition. You are responsible for your personal and public safety. This is empowerment.
This applies to intuition:
If it feels wrong it is wrong
If it requires too much conspicuous effort it is fake
If it is too good to be true its not true
In today's world verify everything
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker ( A PhD in human behavior) pdf and podcasts.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Snakes In Suits by Robert D Hare
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
How To Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L Brown
When women have suffered violence at the hands of someone they trusted it is almost impossible to belive in anyone ever again they dont want to be taken advantage of again and go through the aftermath which is devastating to their confidence .we all want to trust that people have good intentions but sadly they prey on vulnerable women who havent been loved properly
I was raised by a pathological malignant narcissist con man. I loved my dad so much. He was charming & funny & interesting & people flocked to him like moths to a flame. He was a human wrecking ball. He was my dad. He brought the sunshine. And then he took it away. I watched my dad con & screw over every single person in his orbit, even his elderly widowed mother. Even his own kids. He really couldn't help himself. If he saw a mark, he was gonna take advantage of that mark, somehow, some way. It was if he was driven to it. Everyone that liked my dad was a mark, & everyone liked my dad. Right up until he screwed them over. It was just who he was. He exploited weaknesses like a crocodile hunts gazelle in a river.
P.S. He was a salesman. Real Estate. Very successful. He was also married six times. He was married to another woman when he married my mom.
My partner was also a salesman all his life cheated lied everything under the sun. He also became a real estate agent. Salesman jobs are perfect for manipulative people.
Ugh!!
The man who conned me is a salesman too !
I knew someone like this. They were a very fun person, I loved being around them. Slowly I found they could not be trusted. Were not loyal to anyone except their own bank account. I hit rock bottom and ended it when I caught them trying to walk away with an unrelated senior citizen's life savings and property.
😵
I have been going throught PTSD due to a covert narcassist and the manipulations and fear. I had so many fears and questions and keep wondering certain things and feeling unsafe, not being able to sleep properly and not trusting myself or know if I can ever trust others but OMG this Talk has answered SO many questions! A 100x Thank you! ❤
Have you considered trauma therapy? EMDR + CBT. Self care is very important. Find things to do that give you joy and peace. Be kind to yourself.
Here are some healing books. I hope they help. Take care.
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? by Jonathon Aslay
More personal development books- podcasts.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? by Jonathon Aslay
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
The Four Pillars of Self Love - Sam Vaknin podcast
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
Never Forgive Infidelity - Sam Vaknin podcast
Cheating Triangulation In Sick Relationships ---Sam Vaknin podcast
The Mask You Live In Documentary
The Genetics Of Cheating - Maken Murphy podcast
I've Scanned 250,000 Brains This Is Really How Men Think - Dr Daniel Amen and Lisa Biyeu
Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD podcast
Magnetic Narcissists Pathological Charisma----Sam Vaknin podcast
@sherriflemming3218 Very good list I've read a lot of these books also. It's an excellent way to gain knowledge!
@@lf3554 Thank you! They're helpful books. Many people cannot afford therapy. The Hoffman Process - the actual workshops are more effective than the book apparently. Personal development seminars are beneficial.
I like that the person just listed books and a podcast 😊
I have been studying the topics you are talking about for about 10 years and this is one of the best most clarifying talks I have ever heard. I will be listening to it again and taking notes and also praying for wisdom and discernment always -thank you so much for what you do.❤
My dad is married to a woman like “Dirty John.” She has destroyed his relationship with me. Keeps him isolated. He got a large inheritance.
😢❤
You have my sympathies.My stepdad too. He's cut off all his immediate family since meeting her last December. It's a very upsetting to go through and I'm sure even harder when your actual father.
@peachesmcgee4795 Ah No. I don't believe it. Noone can force anybody to cut the relationship with their immediate family members if he doesn't want to. Maybe she brings him happiness and his step children are annoying, keep asking money? If it is not then pay attention, give him a call to see what's going on instead of badmouthing the stepmother. I say it again, it's your stepdad's decision not to see you people. Nowadays a phone call or even social message can reach a person. He is totally in his control unless he's disable and has dementia.
You dont understand psychological abuse. @@LoveLife-oo9cz
Cognitive dissonance is disregulating at the least and causes confusion chaos and mistrust of your closest friends and family. It's insidious how a master manipulator can turn you away from the people closest to you. It's like being mentally incompetent by the time they are done w you.@@LoveLife-oo9cz
THIS IS A MUCH NEEDED WATCH!! I BEG ALL WOMEN AND MEN TO WATCH THIS show!!!
This has been an incredible interview. My partner has asbergers and is often frustrated with communication. He has a brlliant and beautiful way of thinking and creating although it also comes with its own "ball of wax" so to speak. And when emotionality enters into our decision making or conversations in gerneral, he can become frustrated with processing or understanding communicaton from a different perspective. He will flat out say "I don't understand" and quite literally mean it. He wants a piece for piece breakdown of information. To say that this is challenging is accurate. Sometimes challenging is an understatement.
Nope, i trust my intuition and its the greatest protection
I would bet you've experienced a couple of times where you reneged on your Intuition & learned to your disappointment to really trust your Intuition. Most Intuitives do.
@@gabriellejudd1 Exactly, consequently, I trust it
50:22 what Andrew is saying here is so on point and is a reminder that our family systems are primarily the reason why we have these thoughts of looking silly! We don’t even have safe homes to go back to and are trying not to bring embarrassment and shame to ourselves!
Thank you so much to Andrew, Lisa and everyone who worked on this video. So helpful, illuminating, full of insights and practical hacks. I can't thank you all enough.
I was a Correctional Officer. I had an inmate tell me, " Im in here for Murder", " not for lying". Spoken like a true Dark Tryad.
Indeed. You are correct. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. The Dark Triad is Narcissism Machevalian and Psychopathy.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
I’m Confused. What is the significance of this comment? How is that comment manipulative, that the inmate said? Was it the truth?
I'm also confused about the dark triad remark
Sam Vaknin has excellent podcasts on The Dark Triad. The definition is Narcissism Machevalian and Psychopathy.
Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. Personality and character is fixed.
All criminals have blank records until they're caught. In this world verify everything. A background check is essential. Verify facts.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Snakes In Suits by Robert D Hare
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker ( A PhD in human behavior)
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
Snakes In Suits by Robert D Hare
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
In this world verify everything. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. Discernment. A background check is a necessity. Verify facts. A stranger can say anything. Trust needs to be earned.
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
I’m an INFJ and you answered all of my questions in the first 20 minutes.
I’ve been trying to make the connections in all this.
Thing is I learned to identify con artists now and being in a state of limerence is a depression.
Spent a lot of life being a sole trouper, hanging onto mental wellness and dealing with narcissists.
They are odd and think you’re god or something to take on an army against you because there’s recruiting people saying you’re the one who doesn’t know better.
What a life to live. Of course I learned but I mean it really took awhile to understand everything. Even when I was being taught this stuff, I could only get surface levels of it at a time. It was TOUGH to imagine.
This subject is dear to my heart as I personally was parented by , and married to narcissistic personality types. Some years ago I finally found my way out. Today I coach middle age woman who are in or leaving toxic relationships. I absolutely love it. I feel I can use a painful lesson to help others today
Same
"Think for yourself; question authority" ~ Bill Hicks 1:15:50
Wow!!! Lisa's guests are always so amazing, insightful and incredibly helpful!
Would love to see an interview with Crappy Childhood Fairy too!
Lisa thank you for everything you're doing to help women live their best lives!
Yes!!!
🙌🏻 Lisa is making us all strong and empowered! Thank you so much love!!!
At 2hours and 6 minutes, I was so thankful you spoke about autistics being asd/ asbergers and with looking upon my past and constantly being misdiagnosed by doctors due to a narcissistic mother and the frustration that I constantly was in cuz of the control I tried to understand as a child- early adult. Great talk /conversation to broaden my knowledge Why I so often get intertwined with wrong types of people that don't have my best interest at heart. But rather manipulated for their best interest of their self.