So often do I wish that I could go back in time and stop my parents from having me. Clearly they never wanted me in the first place. Their mistake is not my fault yet im the one to pay for it.
@@voloshanca when I was younger I pretended to have parents that wanted me so that I could imagine having self acceptance and confidence. I like faked it til I maked it. That’s why i related to what lili said about how we internalized self hate. I literally had to move to a sunny climate and create a new past in my imagination in order to manifest who I was inside.
@lisarodriguez8681 that's an ingenious way to cope. I'm glad it helped you. I believe it's actually used in the "narrative psychotherapy" method where you rewrite the narratives from your past so they would acquire a new meaning. Also many therapists say the way to healing is to "reparent yourself". I'm amazed you were able to figure out what exactly you wanted and needed as a child so you could create those loving parents in your mind.
It doesn’t even have to be “bad” things. Just being told to leave the room, or ignored, or getting the understanding that you’re irritating. Profoundly damaging.
I think hearing my parents arguing all the time about me probably messed me up too. Especially since my mum would defend me which would just make my dad even more angry - with her and with me.
Being ignored, neglected, seems to be worse than being directly abused or told that you're worthless, stupid, the cause of problems etc. Look up the Rice experiment. Words of love, hate and neglect has an effect on the water in the rice. And the water in our bodies. It's fascinating. Every child deserves to be loved, filled up with so much love that it overflows into the world.
Or they have to seek help by an psychologist where he/she can learn tools to cope or heal or receive other therapies.Step over your wrong idea of only crazy people go to psychologists or fear that people will see you as crazy.
@@willmercury when your retinas detach multiple times due to the lifetime of stress and abuse inflicted by your own family you let me know how easy it is to “grieve the loss and move onto the next right thing”.
Damn. Had to shed a tear at the part where he explains “children won’t look to the parents and say “why aren’t you a good parent why aren’t you capable of loving me as you should.” But instead the child will automatically switch the blame to themselves “what did I do to deserve feeling unloved?” “What’s wrong with me?”
Lol. During childhood my mom will suddenly go angry and yell "go reflect and thinking by yourself what you have wrong to me". Or often time force me to apologize and just got angrier if i dont exactly know what was my fault.
I don't know what changed within me, but around my family I sort of became an argumentative narcissist and always blamed them?? Ofc nothing to be proud of, but in the public I'm literally a people pleaser w social anxiety, when indoors I have anger issues to the max?? Well I guess I did go through messed up things but things are complicated man idk how they work
Thankfully I had other adults in my life show me I matter, but it’s still a fight in my mind. ALL THE TIME. Both my parents were abusive so anytime any relationship starts to go bad I start by automatically assuming I’m the problem, and have to force myself to really look at it before truly dealing with it.
@@calyco2381 You must know in your heart you have done NOTHING wrong. She is the one with anger and control issues- she is creating the unfair, unwarranted unhappiness in HER MIND. She is caught up in imagining you're at fault. You AREN'T. Ideally, a parent (the adult) is responsible for teaching right and wrong. Not making you guess about sudden anger, or apologize to avoid more anger. It is HER responsibility to manage her emotions. Period. Please look into free support groups. All of us understand and are here to help in so many ways- Its what helped me. It still helps me, though mother died years ago- it's those unhealthy, dysfunctional behaviors that taught us lessons that arent helpful now. When we learn better, we feel better. Please consider a group - you are not alone.
I was unloved as a child. All my life I felt shame and self loathing. When I was 20, I cut my abusive parents out of my life, went to therapy, worked on myself and slowly became a healthier person. 4 years later I'm now married to a man with a loving family who accepted me upon meeting me. Finally I have a family. Finally I'm loved.
Maybe you can forgive your parents someday, it is better for your heart. Perhaps, give them a vist or if you can or a phone call show them the love you needed from them. Afterall, they are your parents my dear.
@@mai2235 you don’t have to forgive anyone for any reason. It being “good for you” is horseshit. Forgetting is just as effective at letting you move on as forgiving. That’s all an abuser deserves, to be forgotten.
I speak from experience when I say that many of us, myself included, gave up long ago trying to really connect with others. I've learned to keep my emotions in check for my own sake so that I don't feel overwhelmed and I remain functional, but I don't trust others so I keep my feelings for them limited so that I don't end up getting hurt again. I keep it light, pleasant, and superficial. Everybody thinks I'm okay. I feel quite lonely most of the time.
You described being "avoidant" u can heal and become secure to finally live the happy and fulfilled life you deserve. Life without love is just a survive. Few people are trustworthy, but they still exist, u need to use discernment. Not all people are bad.
@@annakornikova9525 After growing up with abusive narcissistic parents and family and every other aspect in life goes downhill with it, it's not worth risking myself out there to get hurt. It's like a curse that follows me or the majority of the population are just dishonest manipulative selfish fake shallow sadistic willfully ignorant wolves in sheep's clothing. It's not worth getting hurt again. It pains too much to risk my peace. It's very lonely being all alone some days that I wish I could magically clone myself or summon a true lifelong friend .. but voluntary isolation is safer for my mental health, time, and energy. It's hard, and I'm scared of the day I lose this little peace that I barely have because I'm still not fully free of my childhood abusers. Is it really happiness if it's fragile and temporary? Is it really peace if I'm still not free? Is this kind of life worth living? I very much doubt it most days. But what can I do. The chance of surviving methods that may permanently end my earthly misery is a worse punishment than life itself.
@@annakornikova9525After growing up with abusive narcissistic parents and family and every other aspect in life goes downhill with it, it's not worth risking myself out there to get hurt. It's like a curse that follows me or the majority of the population are just dishonest manipulative selfish fake shallow sadistic willfully ignorant wolves in sheep's clothing. It's not worth getting hurt again. It pains too much to risk my peace. It's very lonely being all alone some days that I wish I could magically clone myself or summon a true lifelong friend .. but voluntary isolation is safer for my mental health, time, and energy. It's hard, and I'm scared of the day I lose this little peace that I barely have because I'm still not fully free of my childhood abusers. Is it really happiness if it's fragile and temporary? Is it really peace if I'm still not free? Is this kind of life worth living? I very much doubt it most days. But what can I do. The chance of surviving methods that may permanently end my earthly misery is a worse punishment than life itself.
I'll do you one better, what's worse is many of us seek help wondering what's wrong with us when really we are suffering from what happened TO US and just need to be loved.
Try Pete Walkers book on Complex PTSD Also see the work of Gabor Mate I think. I think his book is "The Body Keeps The Score" Our bodies develop illnesses caused by bad treatment
@@christianriddler5063If it hadn’t been for the govt, my siblings and I would have starved, had no shelter… Not even the bare minimum was attempted by my loser “parents.” My dad never even lived with us.
@@Autumn_Forest_ My dad stole welfare from me when I was younger, so did my mom. I was in such a bad place, thinking about self deleting and then they steal from me too ontop of all the other trauma. There are truly some horrible people in this world.
@@ninascheicher5500 we need healthy social surroundings to heal our old wounds though. Mature people don't blame the poor souls who don't have this, Nina.
@@alis-anime5484 That was a great decision! There's a quote that goes like this;- "When a child realises that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent. When he forgives them, he becomes an adult. When he forgives himself he becomes wise"
Damn I felt that one. I tried my best as a kid but at some point I took the antisocial route and hated myself and everyone else, feeling empty and tortured inside 24 hours a day, even having depression/panic attack/anxiety everyday since 20 years now (I'm 34). I always felt ashamed of myself, and since I didn't know what I did wrong I tried my best to be a good person at first, but after getting abused and betrayed for many years I started to hate everyone else too. I didn't really connect the dots because I stopped trying to get loved at some point and quickly started to see my parents as nothing more than mere aquaintances. Probably related: I'm a cat guardian since 8 years now and I'm raising her like she's my real daughter. I always call her that way, stay with her all the time, buying her tons of stuff and come immediately whenever she calls me, for example even when I'm doing a work mail I'm always throwing away my phone to run and go see her. Whenever she gives me love bites or scratches/bites me to play I gladly give her my arm, I honestly feel like if she wanted it even as a whim I would tear it down to give it to her. However I still scold her whenever she does something bad and whenever her health is in danger (going to vet, giving her medecine, showering her when she's really really dirty) I can kill my emotions at the moment and feel basically heartless, knowing I'm doing it for her sake. Even tho when she cried because the vet told me she can't go outside or eat for a few days I felt devastated... hearing her cry is unbearable to me because I feel like I'm a bad parent, just like mine. I remember now that at first I wanted to be a good parent, because I know what bad parenting does to a child. So thank you, I probably found the reason why I have so much anxiety and panic attack every day.
Your message heals my heart Thank you so much for honestly sharing😂 And remember - any sense of seperarion Is an ilusión because the truth is we are all part of the same body. The heavens are in your corner and so am😁👏👏👏☮️❤️
Even when you cause harm to others, you’re not a bad person. That’s the tricky part. It’s fairly easy to feel empathy for people we perceive as only victims. We don’t generally accept that people only hurt people when they have been hurt deeply themselves, and have never received compassion from anyone.
@@katieandnick4113 It's not empathy you are experiencing, it's sympathy and identification. If you see the world through the drama triangle (victim-persecutor-savior), you will see victims as you identify with them due to your own trauma. Having empathy allows you to see everyone's sides - after you have healed yourself. There's also actually evil people in the world with clearly malicious intent. They're constantly lying and manipulating people, but people don't see them as long as they're unhealed since the malicious people play victims and play on people's guilt.
Most of my therapy sessions revolve around being unable to shake that feeling that I'm never going to be enough. I'm 27, I fully acknowledge and understand that I was abused and it wasn't my fault, but that didn't stop me from overworking myself to the point of a heart attack scare because I felt like I had to.
It's the conflict between knowing you are worthy and precious, and "feeling" that way. You can learn it later, but the feeling parents instill is indeed hard to shake. Keep going, you will be fine. Love others, love yourself.
Absolutely, the instinct is still there, the emotional, neurological and hormonal pattern that your body has trained and polished since you were just a little kid... that's not something you can easily get rid off.
It's helpful for me to acknowledge reality first before talking about whatever I'm feeling, not to invalidate myself but to just sorta remind myself that what's actually true. Just a quick, "logically I know XYZ, but I feel ABC," to keep myself grounded lol.
Well this sums up my childhood: not feeling loved at all, being assaulted s*x*****, parents don't showing love ever, being the scapegoat of the family, having to "forgive" abusers, feeling and told I am the problem... it's been 4 months since I cut contact with all of my family. Sometimes it sucks because they are the only ones meant to love you... but they don't. And the feeling of never being good enough or being the one who is wrong will never fade away. Even with therapy.
I'm glad you were able to escape from their abuse. It's a loss you will overcome. I'm proud of you! I know, from experience that you are sleeping better!
@@tracyhasty6506 I have weird nightmares still, just today for example, but I guess with time my wounds will at least close. Don't know about healing though.
☹️😢 I’m so sorry I know only Jesus can heal those wounds and deliver you from any demons that were unfairly brought into your life … healing with Jesus can be a process but the only thing that actually works because He created you out of love and can and wants to heal you so much …. “God is near to the broken hearted” “God heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds” “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, for His steadfast love endures FOREVER.” His love is perfect, unlike human love. Look up soul fragmentation and how Jesus can heal it. God bless you🌸
The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. It will take time, perhaps years before you rarely think of them. And when you do, it will still hurt, but you'll know you did the right thing in escaping their clutches.
@@Koshrocreations I've had nightmares over 20 years. It's your brains way of healing. Be sure to get plenty of rest,water and good food! You deserve the best! I'm praying for you 😊
Because it’s a cycle. Parents were once children who were similarly abused, and they in turn abused their own children because they didn’t know any better. Stop the cycle of abuse with your kids if you can.
Accepting that we all have the capacity to make our children feel this way is the first step. That’s one, of many, problems with patriarchy. It tells us that parents, and especially mothers(possibly counterintuitively) can do no harm, and we believe it. Another problem with patriarchy is that it encourages us to blame others for the harm they contribute to(nobody is EVER fully responsible for anything), which is a major reason we are so uncomfortable acknowledging the roles we play in harming others. If I know that true forgiveness and understanding from others(not from god, but from other human beings) is totally possible, then I’m a lot more likely to acknowledge the roles I’ve played in others’ pain. If I believe I will be abandoned for doing hurtful things, that doesn’t actually decrease the likelihood that I will do them. It only makes me better at hiding what I’ve done, even from myself.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. please keep pooring love into that child. Make sure they feel your presence. Make sure they see you listening so they don’t feel like they aren’t good enough. Make sure you tell them words of affirmation like they are good enough and they are loved. You have the power to shape that child’s life …
That... explains a lot. When you're neglected, emotionally abused, and emotionally manipulated by the people who are supposed to treat you with love, it's only natural that you'll feel hurt and take a while to figure out that they're the problem.
And turning to others who cant comprehend the wrongs you have suffered often results in well meaning, but TERRIBLE advice.(saying nonsense like :" Your family will always be there, defend/protect/understand/support you through thick and thin- Make it work- they are your blood" NO. Not ALL families are alike. You're better of creating your own support system.) Good luck, you can do it.
I always remember being blamed for everything, even things I couldn't possibly have done. This led me to develop a nervous smile and laugh if someone tells me off, although I have managed to suppress this what i can't supress is me blaming myself for misfortune and putting hours into thinking of contingencies as I should have forseen issues coming up. I now spend time contemplating that on a planet wide (or even country wide) scale nothing really matters. Great and terrible acts are likewise forgotten given enough time or space so why worry?
@@icu3869 I have the same trouble. Because I look so normal, people assume I have a normal background. Even, when I share emotionally abusive events or talk about my emotional struggles, friends would still ask me how's it going with my parents and if they are fine etc. I mean how would I know? Nobody thinks my past is hurtful and has damaged me so much, just because I look like a normal happy social self.
Completely true. Also true is that since you've never been given love, you begin seeking it outside of yourself. Its very difficult to navigate the world isolated from the one thing we all need to thrive.
63 here. Parents mellow sometimes, sometimes not. I began to heal when I learned God loved me. When I remember "Breath now breath, you're probably too stupid to remember to do that either." I remember God loves me so much. If He loves me, then the opinions of hateful, imperfect people don't matter. Eventually, the old memories fade and new loving ones fill their place. Forgiveness doesn't mean they were right it just helps you let go of anger so you don't become bitter. Unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I've been there and worked hard to work through it. Remember, people can say anything to you and about you. That doesn't make it true. God loves you more than you can understand, just the way you are.
And then parents pull the: “i dont remember that. You had a fine childhood!” Edit: im reading so many of yall’s comments, i truly pray for yall and i hope yall seek and find healing ❤️🩹
I knew at a young age that things weren't right but was never listened to or allowed to speak. They just told everyone who would listen that I was troubled. I held on and knew my truth. Thanks for this reassuring and supportive message!❤
I had an epiphany at 8-9 yo that my parents were wrong. Loek a bolt of lightening. That THEY were the ones wrong, no matter what I'd done, I didn't deserve to be beaten like that. I lost all trust, most love & steove to be independent from that day. It's lonely. But I did find someone worthy of my trust.
Good for you. I have the epiphany at about the same age and I shamed them with my words, and eventually it helped them realize they were treating us wrong. But that was because they were ill-equipped as parents, not bad people. Eventually, we all came to healing processes. But I never wanted a child of my own because of the suffering I had endured.
Same here! And was called “rebellious” and “devil child” when I called them out on it! Haha lots of kids are smart, they’re not gonna take abuse, or they’ll learn it’s wrong and identify it instinctively! A family should be a place you can come home to and not have to fight for your life just to exist! Especially for a child! Went thru making myself small AND living unapologetically under that roof. Never was I enough! And that’s fine, they just don’t have that capability to love their own kid I guess! Some people should not have children!
This is what I found out last year after finally going to therapy. No matter how successful I was, I always felt like garbage. This was the root cause and now I’m learning to just let go of my old self
Yesterday, I learnt about the book „Die deutsche Mutter und ihr erstes Kind“ which was published in Nazi-Germany and was widely accepted as a guide on how to interact with your newborn child. It told new mothers: Don’t give love or affection or more time than absolutely necessary to your newborn. Don’t spoil it with emotions. (Verhätschel das Kind nicht.) Let it sit (a newborn!) in a quiet room by itself, don’t try to calm it when it cries. The (German) Wikipedia article mentions that those born in 1930/40ies and even till the 60ies told therapists about their broken relationships with their parents so many times it outstands in European studies about these generations. Emotionally cold environments they grew up in hurt them when they were adults and still did when they grew old. It’s so sad and this video shows why it hurt so much.
I have a German husband born into a post war German family with Nazi legacy, with PTSD, rape, poverty, hunger and serious abuse doubled up on both parents' side. The husband has been maltreated, "disciplined" for his own good. More patterns start to come out now that he disciplines his own/our children. He is oblivious this is trauma, the intergenerational trauma. He adapted and in principle against abuse, anti nazi etc but subconscious patterns are all there
My mother and her siblings were so easily discarded by their father to a Kinderheim when his new wife said she'd love him more if he didn't have children. Now I understand why he could do such a thing with no remorse.
@@razredge07 This is awful. My mother in law was raped as a child by her Nazi father returned from the war. She has damaged self esteem, she is a people pleaser, tit for that is her main defense she taught her children (my husband) and now grandchildren. Married to two abusers who beat her and the children. This wild fire does not stop rolling through the generations.
Took me 22 years to realize my mom never said she loved me when no one was watching. Even to this day the negative thoughts I think of myself are words directly from her.
Mine never said that to me, even publicly. The closest i got was "If the cat falls off the back porch, i can deal with that. I can't deal with you or your sister falling." And she did on a few occasions make an effort to take me on walks. Her constant disparaging remarks whenever i set out to make anything with my talents, still gets to me-- telling me that I'm just doing it for myself; making laughing-sighing sounds while calling it stupid and saying that no one wants my creative skillset. no matter how polite or considerate i was about it. While typing, I almost put a positive spin at the end out of obligation, then decided not to. That's my version of healing. I feel silly for calling her "Mom" instead of "mother" all this time. i feel stupid for lying to my psychiatrist when i was 12 that "things are fine" between us, or that i have "anxiety" issues that i need medication for when i actually had violent thoughts towards others and had a shit social life at school. i lied about the last part for fear of getting institutionalized or getting in some kind of trouble. Everything was my fault.
I once confronted my mom for neglecting me. I was mad and I told her that I felt like she had treated me like a pet that their owners just fed and kept alive and didn't pay attention to. She just said “I admit it, I made a big mistake “. And the conversation ended there
It's worse. Some say sorry but don't mean it. They then expect you to be thankful that they said sorry, and then to pretend nothing happened. They might act like you should be ashamed for talking after this because they were the bigger person today. 😅 @Izz740
Dang this brought back some terrible memories. To all my people out there struggling to find love for yourself: YOU LOVE AND ARE LOVED!! I LOVE YOU!! STAY STRONG!!
Thanks but it's empty pretty words. I don't know you and you don't know me. At the end of the day, pretty words help none but *yourself* feel better #brutalreality
I always have to remind my parents, that what was another regular day of the week for them, was a formative and life-changing experience for me, that taught me how to hate myself merely for existing.
Once I tried to communicate to my step dad that it would feel nice to hear something positive about myself every now and then, he fucking lost it and started saying how he was taking me out of the will, that he’s busted his ass for me, that I’m a sour puss, that I can’t even do simple things like take out the dishes when they’re dry. I still feel like I did something wrong by telling him how I felt, and by just being who I am and it’s still hard to unbelieve that.
I hope you know that you didn't do anything wrong, but your situation is a great example of why repairing a broken parent-child relationship is nowhere near as simple as people living in a rosy world of happy families portray it to be. Some parents will never be ready to have "the talk", and we have no choice other than to accept it.
Hey, this was me. I fell into both of these categories and came out with the revelation that my parents taught me who not to be. Restructuring the pathways in my brain has been quite the difficulty and is a continuous on going project, but with the trajectories of who was into who I am along with the vision of who I am becoming, I’m gonna be an amazing dad. 😁
The resolution at the end of this clip reveals one of the unlocking keys to a better life...cultivating resilience. Having the will and the courage to continue on in spite of what has passed. This is not to say the burdens may not creep in at times, but here is where we must find ways to cope. Leaning on a true friend, a life partner or even a licensed professional can help bring light to those dark times. The ability to simply cope and manage your pain amidst everything else is such a strength in and of itself and is not given due credit.
Just chilling with yourself also. Like doing things for yourself. Learning to practice self care. Eating properly, exercising daily, finding community and social connections, hair care, body care, meaningful work, all the things that may have been lacking within an abusive household. Learning to take care of yourself and learning your own needs helps you to navigate the world around you. Having compassion for yourself is important. Accepting that a parent is incapable of love is also important to move forward. You don’t need that parent. You have no obligation to subject yourself to abuse. You aren’t required to be thankful toward your parent if they tortured you. I think this demographic shows incredible resilience but there are also many with chronic illness, compromised immunity, etc as proper self care was not established. I find my peers that grew up in loving homes have way better health than my peers that grew up with negligent parents. You have to establish healthy routines and keep them up. Hope all of those with shit parents will love themselves and eliminate the toxic people from their lives.
I think some of fhe anger my parents felt when I wluld confront them about this was their own shame, because in listening to me, they realized wrong was done to them, too. And they weren’t ready to unpack everything they had assumed as a child was normal and possiboy even good.
This is hard on another level your left to face everything again. It's the fact that they didn't acknowledge their own past that let it be passed to you.
Came the same realization. It’s made me able to admit my own mistakes. Pride is worth nothing! Humility is the foundation for love, ESPECIALLY for your kids. Breaking cycles AND building healthier ones.
I’ve met a few people that grew up like that. Their parents and family didn’t show very much interest in them/ what they have going on in their lives. It’s honestly really sad since they don’t know how to act in a lot of relationship building situations and they’re just not prepared for building sustainable connections with other people.
That's me, I have no idea how to do anything in social situations. Now my heart is broken and the loneliness is extreme. I have been lonely for all my life, I don't know what it's like to not be alone and I probably never will know anything else. Life is suffering and pain. Sometimes you get a good moment but it's rare.
That one line “never asks what’s wrong with the parents but asks what’s wrong with me.” Hits the heart. That change in perspective is everything. It’s the WHY your parents struggles in one way or another and it not being a reflection of your worth and ability to be loved or accepted.
That's really well said,my mother abandoned me at 4 years old and I felt exactly like this and I went really self destructive for next thirty years,I'm 42 now and only just coming to terms with it all properly,by thinking exactly they way they just described.
This is my experience and every experience of foster children. I was a foster child, not only was I done wrong at "home", but I was done wrong by kids in the neighborhood by being bullied. At 25, I started to realize I was done wrong by others.
So sorry to hear what you had to go through, it can really be an awful world sometimes. I hope things are getting better. Do kids who get adopted feel better? Asking because I am considering to adopt if ever I get the chance to
I'm 55 now, and was also in foster care. I was legally emancipated at 17, but I still suffer from the past mistreatment from my family, peers and the "system." I appear to have it all together now, but I don't.
@@drunkensquirrel7545I was emancipated midway through my fifteenth year and I was in the foster care system for the two and a half years prior to that because my family of origin and I were not doing well at all I was very dysfunctional at the time but now I’m coming on my fifth decade of life and I’m really amazed that I was able to get myself to the next level of life and know that I was not in this house with any real allies. My mom threw down the gauntlet and told me I was going to be in her house that means I follow her on the arbitrary and inconsistently enforced rules and I that included no longer having my relationship with my bf but I was to date this rich prep school guy whose parents were awarded winning physicians and he was a spoiled creep. It was a very strange time in retrospect. The first foster home I was in had two other teenagers in it and they were both so invested in me that I called them Mancy(mom Nancy) and Dad even though I had a father still we had another name for him my brothers and I came up with. They were very happy and warm but I ended up needing to get closer to my parents district so I could complete my education but it was a disaster initially yes my mother was trying to sue someone. I’m not even sure what her case was now that I looked back. The county guidance counselor was dating somebody at this point different than the rich kid and his parents were kind enough to let me live there waiting for emancipation. ended up unexpectedly a foster parent myself a few years later the granddaughter of my neighbor was facing being put in the system after his son, her father and only parent we were family together from the time she was five until she was 14. She is 30 and a mother of three so proud of her. a lot of self loathing otherwise I don’t know why I can’t seem to regulate it lately Apocalypse it’s not always what it is even if it was the end of something it wouldn’t be the exact same down in crisis mode and something that ended before in order for something to begin, although my mind knows it my brain brain has been marinating in menopausal, begging me to control of hard reset myself from the bottom build a better version of me… I have a tendency to be physically kinetic energy ubiquitous and fleeting as I am able to keep my heads above the sewage in life as well as I do not wish to overstay my welcome and I do believe that I have before I don’t find myself completely unlovable I think taste is acquired. Invest appreciated. A lot of gravity and electric fields in my arm hairs which I don’t normally consider being present except I had an event a few moments ago maybe half hour or a circuit to the outlet in my 145 year old house goy Sparky and I’m terrified Electricity’s going to get me anyway however now I should get a second opinion on whether the smell of ozone and broasted chicken is present in every person’s nostrils or maybe perhaps I’ve fried something
Same, taken away from exetremly abusive parents at 10 to be put into a Foster home who saw me as free labor and a easy check, got horribly bullied at school for coming in smelling weird and having ripped up clothing that was too small
Thank you for this, because I remember the abuse and the neglect. They don’t and have forgotten. I’ve tried to forgive and I need to pray more about that. I am working on my self-confidence now at 42, trying to keep the memories of being called stupid and being beaten away.
Yes, it is. Fully coming to terms with the love you did not receive as a child is akin to grieving the death of the parents you didn’t have in the first place. It takes years.
I've seen unloved children show up in society in 3 different ways. The angry child - who goes on to rebel in every way possible. The anxiety ridden child - who goes on to question everything and tries to find answers to a phenomenon that doesnt make sense. And finally the conformative perfectionist. They take on the same views as their parents. For instance, if my parents said I was a weird, awkward child - then I must have been a weird, awkward child. The best thing you can do is not carry that generational trauma forward - and have children before you're ready.
This is exactly what i am discussing at therapy. Man I will tell you... this is hard. Makes me want to leave therapy. Because it makes no sense hating yourself at first. But when you realize you HATE yourself, and why and how you do it... it is hard to digest. But with it also comes healing
It’s really fucked up. Why should I hate myself after being abused?? But it is what it is. Learning self care, self love, self compassion is essential.
This is sadly quite relatable. I've hated myself for as long as I can remember and that's a REALLY long time. I've always felt undeserving of being loved, because even though people around me say that I'm a good person, everyone seems to believe that, except for me. I don't think I'm a good person, haven't for the longest time. It doesn't matter if I see someone in trouble and my first instinct is to help then, I still find a way to rationalise that I did it for selfish reasons. I try to believe that I'm a good person, but some part of me, either unconscious or subconscious doesn't let me. I do something good and I think to myself, maybe I'm not so bad, and then comes the thoughts, almost like intrusive thoughts "You did it for selfish reasons" "You only did it because there were people looking and you didn't want them to know how awful you are" and many others like this. I truly don't understand my own brain.
So true as someone who was neglected and abused as a young child it hits hard I suffer from low self esteem borderline depression and anxiety it’s never ok to abuse a child as it causes so much damage
I was loved so much by my parents and I adore my 3 young children! I find this video so heartbreaking and I wish well for all kids or adults healing from this neglect😢❤
Thank you. I'm 47 and my mom beat me as a child. I don't even remember it. My sisters had to tell me. I've tried for years to heal and have a relationship with my "mom". Last year she did some passive aggressive bs after insisting that I must forgive her. I literally asked her before interacting "do you have the headspace" and she said "yes" but not even 1 min in as I am talking, she flicks her finger in disgust, impatience or whatever narcissistic excuse she had and I lost it. I lost it so bad I had to storm out and what did she do since then? She went silent. Not a word to apologize. She continues the narrative that I am the unforgiving son and she "prays" for me. Her name is Maryrose Cosio (Ralston). There's no getting through to her. She is delusional, selfish, cold and outright mean. It makes me sick because it's like I have to grieve a parent who is still alive. All the therapy in the world doesn't help. I keep trying but it's exhausting. Definitely has affected my entire adult life. I've lacked the resources in my 20s and 30s and now I have a beautiful 5 yo girl and I couldn't imagine putting a lovely gift of a person like her through the damage I have endured. I can't reconcile why. I can't get closure like I'd prefer because my mother is so sick, cold, mean and nasty. I ask why is she like that? How? But she plays so innocent I've fallen for it my whole life and I am struggling to accept that I may just never get that healing interaction that I so desire. Letting that go and moving on with ones life is so hard. My apologies for the rant but this all just slams me completely. Thank you for listening
Recently, I've been thinking about the concept of shame and how it takes up space in my own life. Sometimes, I take a step back from my actions and realize that I'm actually acting in efforts to reduce the ever present feeling of not being enough. What is enough? Who decides when I've passed the threshold that decides I deserve to not feel shame any longer? A bit of shame keeps some bad habits at bay. Other aspects of myself can be arbitrarily decided as shameful in one circle and worthy of praise in another. Not to mention that societal pressures of today that shame us for the very things that make us human- having emotions, having hunger, being tired, being passionate, etc. Great timing for this video!
One of the hardest battles you can every face. But we are warriors, and we can bear the fight. Peace is ours whenever we are brave enough to sit still and just be
I have experienced this. I always wondered why no matter what I do. I always have to be the best everywhere I am. It can be anything but I have to be the best
Don't forget to also consider the child who learns from their peers they are the "other" and therefore always kept at a distance, treated like an outcast, etc. That child could learn the lesson that there's something wrong with them and they are essentially unlovable/unlikable. (i.e. being unaccepted in their peer group validates the reasons they've been left out instead of illustrating the peer group has problems) Once that kind of thinking is internalized, no amount of correction is likely to easily fix it: anyone showing affection or friendship is really just showing kindness to someone because they've taken pity on them. (Even the love of a family member can be felt to be an obligation of family or simply evidence of the good of the relative) And anyone showing hostility is simply recognising the outcast for who/what they are; validating all of the negative feelings that child may have about themselves. It's why we should spend a LOT more time and effort making sure that children don't have this kind of damage in their "formative" years, because once this kind of thing has become established as a part of a child's world-view, it's exceptionally difficult to fix.
In that same sense, we as adults should show general acceptance and inclusion of others unless they give us good reason(s) to avoid them. I was teased vehemently as a child by both family and peers. It was only when I took a firm stance of my own that things began to change. Self-love (not narcissism) and self-acceptance. However, I have "Complex PTSD" as a result of my younger years.
@@a24396 - As best as I can, I try to pursue inner peace, and express sincere kindness with others who don't abuse it. That being said, I realize we are living in difficult times. I've had interesting conversations with some who have visited countries where they have much less in the way of "material wealth". And most often, they say that they've NEVER FELT SO MUCH LOVE AND UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE as they have in those countries (like Thailand for example). I'm tempted to go for a visit. It would be an amazing experience. Thank you for your kind and caring words.
I agree, having experienced this at school, although the problem is that this can hardly be avoided if any child goes to school. From my experience it's in the nature of the institution that bullying is prevalent. I went to three different schools and experienced it in every one of them. Once I graduated, I was just happy I was out of school. From university on, the hell was over, then I just had to work out the damage received through the years, still ongoing.
I honestly don't know how you can avoid school? In many countries home schooling is also not an option. Bullying is a huge problem and can start from kindergarten. And yes, all the love from parents can't protect you from thinking like that. Only option is to somehow survive till university and heal. :(
Reading these comment has the gratitude I have for the parents I had absolutely overflowing. They had plenty of shortcomings, as do I, but I wouldn't have changed a thing about either of them. They were exactly the parents I needed. I wish you all well and hope those whom were failed by their parents peace.
And so the child that is emotionally neglected..... Ends up feeling shame for having needs, or feelings, or a vulnerable heart like everybody else does deep down inside..... Because subconsciously they were made to feel ashamed by should-be carer adult figures, or rejectful peers..... When they tried to reach out to them.... This explains so much. But now that I'm older, I have gone on a journey towards finding the good we need in this world. I've developed the strength to love and validate my own heart..... And to seek out where people actually treat me right. 💞🙏🙇♀️
This made me cry, especially trying harder in school. I've been an "angel" and I've been a rebel, now I'm burned out, wondering, even though I've been told I've done nothing, what I've done wrong.
This is heartbreaking! I have loved a person that suffered a rough upbringing.....it was so hard! Broke my heart to choose myself but it was necessary and the right choice. I would never be able to undo his past.
I think what’s worse is when that happens to someone and they do it to their child because they feel they lack the ability to love and be loved. Generational problems, trauma, are very real and important to work through.
At 44yo, I still deal with this issue. I have a family of my own now & I give my sons what I didn't have, which is love, support and guidance. Parents lay the foundation for who we are, but it doesn't have to define us even though it will always be a part of our lives. It feels like a forever thorn in my heart no matter how much I'd like to ignore the feeling. Rant over lol
The day I realized I did nothing wrong and I deserve love with no conditions. I was mind blown. It’s taken a full year to fully process that and understand the impact it has had on my life.
@@muma6559mmm ok so where does the baby learn it? Do babies come pre installed with walking, grooming themselves, keeping their hands to themselves, tying a shoe? Do they just have factory settings where they know how to ask for help, make friendships, or not play with their own shit? No, actually. The treatment a child receives is programming. Training. That’s what ‘raising’ a child is. Sometimes the programming is good and sometimes it is not good.
I love my parents so much, and I know they do too. I'm just thankful and proud of myself for refusing to give in to all the fear and guilty i carried on my own all those years. Now I know I deserved more, but I can't judge my parents for what they couldn't do for me. I know they did the best they could and it really wasn't their intention to make me suffer. I'll now fight for that kid who felt so wrong for the wrong reasons.
when my mom complains about my older brother, i told her if he turned out a certain way, it's because she had a hand in it.... she didn't want to hear any of it. tried to say he decided all that... sure. maybe at some point, but she messed him up since we were little kids, what about during that part? she expected him to just turn out perfectly without having to do anything proactive to steer his path. she's in such deep denial. she doesn't have the emotional skills to think about this stuff without it hurting her weak pride
this is exactly the situation I'm in. I cut off my toxic brother and everyone treats me like the bad guy for it, instead of thinking for themselves and cutting him off too like he deserves because he's just a horrible person. My mom wanted to give me a speech about "do you think any mother wants that? knowing that while she's on her deathbed her kids aren't speaking?" but she doesn't understand that she facilitated his behavior, and when she finally does pass away, that's it. She just gets to shake the dust off her hands and leave, while everyone else deals with the problem that she created through lack of consequences. (and for the record she's nowhere close to dying, she was just being dramatic to try and validate her feelings based on her ideations and emotions while trying to undermine my feelings which are based in facts and reality). She just let my older brother walk all over her and never stopped him from bullying me as kids despite being way bigger and stronger, and so he's carried that into his adult life too, yet somehow I'm a terrible person for standing against this fucked up status quo and doing my best to walk away. I don't even look at my family like family anymore, we're just roommates, and I haven't spoken to my brother in 3 years. It's a hard knock life, man.
Preach 👐🏽 thank you my friend... Through this video, the ever lasting feelings of shame and disgust of who I am, fear of losing people because of what a burden I could be, and then of course, the constant anger towards me and the people who I fear will be using / lying / leaving... all of this finally finds a simple way of being explained, comprehended... from the bottom of my weak heart, and the deepest part of my sarcastic soul, I thank you.
@Quasartist One day I read something: 《 when, at the table with individuals, you are no longer served respect, you have every right to get up and leave the table.》 Hope you're doing well ! I too have decided to quit hoping for safety within family, I'd rather retrieve my sanity through friends, nature and well through self-healing, away from ego and grudge ... Sincerely hope every person who had a f-up family is doing well. Hope the same thing for all the members of my family too...
i work at school and there was this one boy... he always had to be rude, do wrong and bad things, he laughed in our faces, he didn't care at all if he got punished for his wrong behaviour. then someone told me that his father is in prison and his mother buys cigarettes rather than make him a snack to school, she did not care about him. he also has two older brothers with different dad. it clicked to me - how can someone possibly be good to others if the closest and most important people are not there for him and not care about him. poor boy. he then got transffered to a children's home with school. he got his own room and the staff there were educated on how to treat children who come from socially weak or abusive families. i don't know more, but my colleague called there to chat with him and they said he sounded happy. i hope he's doing fine.
💔💔💔...this is why care of our children & support of parents to be the best they can be is / should be no. one priority in every society... Kindness & care is of paramount importance...more important than profit & materialism😢
I cant fathom how many people have replied to this shorts.. it is true defination of me as if made for me. I am grateful that i understand its not my problem after years of struggling with guilt and shame and fear although i am still struggling but i am grateful i have come a long way. Although it is hard for me to accept its possible to lose people like them and have a good life but i am determined to make my life like that
Many grow up feeling like they're not worth it, like they should never ask for more due to this feeling of lack of worth and shame. The only way to counter this is to accept deep in your mind that your parents were WRONG. You aren't the lowest on the totem pole, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't deserve any less than anyone else. It's a very tough thing to internalize since it's partially based on tribal instinct of "accepting the minimum is better than being kicked out of the village", but it's so important for you in the long run to realize they were wrong and you do deserve to live a happy normal life just like everyone else.
It’s a very important step but this is too fundamental to be cured by yourself, you need a corrective experience, you need others to consistently break the patterns of how that hurt child in you expects the world and others to operate. Our self view is a reflection of how others view and treat us. It can be tricky for many to find people that are consistent enough and understand what we need, which is why therapy is so important.
@@christianriddler5063 I swear that’s not true. You’re fundamentally good enough and just as deserving of love as anyone else. Being traumatised doesn’t reduce your value or humanity, it’s not your fault. It is however your responsibility to try to heal, some you can do yourself and some you need others, which you can have. Could you see a therapist? What’s your main difficulties if you don’t mind me asking?
@@Ryalnotch I speak from experience. I am too different, too broken, no one wants me. I am rejected by my parents, by my sibling, by people in general everywhere. I am hated and despised. Loneliness is all I know, I don't know what it's like to have a family nor what it's like to be loved by others. This life is suffering and pain. The only solace I have is in Jesus Christ. He is the only one that doesn't reject me. I can't go to church because I am the only Christian in my entire region and even if there was a church, they would no doubt reject me too.
@@christianriddler5063 different how? In what way do people reject you? Sometimes being different can make it harder to find your people, but not impossible. The puzzle piece doesn’t necessarily fit where we wished it did, you often have to try different places and turn the piece around many times before you find a fit. Inside you there’s a puzzle too. When the puzzle is undone it just seems like a chaotic mess, but that’s not inherent to the puzzle, a meaning and a purpose is in there even if it’s impossible to see. With some intentioned work and by starting very simply, over time the purpose and meaning starts to become apparent to us. Your parents/caretakers had a duty to help you lay your puzzle, they failed in that duty, they might or might not have tried or been well intentioned, but the puzzle is still undone. No matter the case we can only work with what we have. I really recommend therapy if possible, they are professionals at helping you lay that puzzle. I hope my analogy doesn’t make it more confusing, but bottom line is that you deserve a place you feel like you belong and love. I don’t need to know anything about you to know that.
After realizing that I had indeed been done wrong, I tried several times to point it out to no avail. While my memories can indeed become hazy due to my mental illness, I do remember distinctly the things that have simultaneously hurt me the most and the things I did to hurt others the most. Regardless, I found that accountability isn't what makes this feeling of shame and resentment go away, but rather the absolute healing power of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't forgetting what was done to oneself, but rather letting go of the pain and not letting it hold you back from feeling love both towards others and yourself. This, in my experience, is the only way forward that doesn't involve destruction of the self and others.
I still can't forget sitting on the playground alone at recess watching the other kids play. I just sat atop the slide seeing everyone in their groups laughing and playing. It felt like I was so out of place. Mom sent me and my brother to regular school becausemy brother's grades were low. I couldn't do a thing. I was always thrown in the boat with my brother, whether I was involved or not. I did my best in school to get mom's attention, however the better I did the worse and more attention my brother got. It felt like there was really no point. I didn't speak at all outside, for I had been hit and locked in my room for being loud or bothering my mom. I did everything to be the good kid, only to find that in order to be "good" I essentially had to be invisble or a robot of what assumably others' want. I still remember that day at school, looking out at everyone else, then looking to the sky and asking it "why was I born?" I was seven.
I was sent away to a foreign country for a month, to stay with a stranger, who didn’t speak English, only French, when I was 7 years old. My father thought it would be a good way of teaching me French. You know, the “immersion method”. Instead, at the end of the month, I hadn’t learned one word of French, and I didn’t give a damn whether I saw either of my parents ever again. I didn’t like where I was, living with this foreign stranger, but equally I didn’t want to return home either. Seven years old and I was depressed all the time, and I didn’t want to go home.
To everyone who tried so hard and is still trying, your health and well being matter so much more. Those people don’t care if you suffer for their approval. Just take care of yourself, they won’t care about you when you are sick. I cared so much about others only to find myself alone when I was really sick. Now I at least have someone by my side.
I was just thinking of this about kid sis and her kids and tears started rolling down😢. I always feel said whenever i think of her situation. God please bless her and her children Amen
I just got so used to people calling me annoying and in the way i just started feeling like i was a mistake or i was the problem letting being ridicule and always pick on something i need to fix when all.i wanna do is help and make people happy slowly i couldnt even help or make myself happy amd just let my self stew in the grey
I grew up in a house without love, and I never thought what's wrong with me. I saw my mother as a hateful person who was nothing more than a disgruntled babysitter, I had aunts who showed me love I still ran wild and stayed away from home as much as I could
So sad and true😔, always remember to make your kids feel loved and heard, even if they cant get their way they werent ignored. The biggest form of contempt is to not acknowledge.
I was over-loved and over-protected as a child. The shielding has led to secrecy and lies and mistrust. I'm now an adult who's stuck feeling at least a decade my junior because my parents did everything for me and held me back to keep me from the possibility of getting hurt. It's a nightmare. Too much or too little is never a good thing.
my parents put all their unrealistic pressures and inexperience on my older brother and me. and while they still weren't perfect, they were much less demanding on our younger siblings - while they all spectated on our fights and put all the scrutiny on the two of us - and wonder why the two older ones are so ungrateful and messed up
@@muma6559unless u have a brain anomaly, a war, some strong other forces between 0-4, yes generally. Their other kids turned out fine which does strongly suggest either a force which wasn’t present when they were raised, or it took two failures to figure out how not to damage a psyche beyond reasonable societal success. A lot of parents joke about how much they screwed up their first, and as a result they paid them more, why is this a new concept to you
i have realized for a long time that it wasn't my fault - a clueless kid who wasn't taught better - but it was their inexperience and the poor parenting they themselves received.... but it doesn't buy that time back, the lost potential.... all wasted
I know the feeling regarding lost potential. I have 126 IQ, a talent for music and strategy. But I was completely neglected through out my entire childhood and teenage years. No one ever took an interest in me, no one was there for me ever. I became a social outcast, never learned how to behave in a social setting, was never taught how to carry conversations or anything of the like. Failed in school, not because I couldn't do it but because I was too busy surviving and too depressed to care. Now I can't build relationships, I can't connect with anyone and I am so lonely that it's breaking my heart. Been in pain for so long that I've become numb, now I feel almost nothing anymore. 126 IQ, talent, all thrown into the sea. I'll give life a few more years and then.. Yeah... At least I have Jesus Christ, only a miracle could help me at this point. Anything else just wouldn't be enough to pull me out of the abyss.
@@christianriddler5063 bro, don't lose hope your story sounds a lot like mine. i'm asian and have always had a great eye for art - i grew up drawing comic book characters and with the right encouragement, i honestly think i could've gone very far with it. i see other working artists' work and i think that frankly i could do better than a lot of them - yet i lack the self-belief to go after it. of course, my parents had no interest in or understanding of american culture. i basically learned english from watching tv. my parents have no idea what the foundational skills are and they'd rather just revert to living the lifestyle of the old country my mom has a way of saying little things that she thinks is helping, but it's honestly so very disheartening (it's ok you don't have to go for that. it's too hard, anyway. just do something simple, etc etc but you can tell she's glad i'm not getting to a level she can no longer grasp smh top tier parenting. her subtle selfishness is poison to me) my dad was obsessed with getting titles and degrees - must get a doctorate; if not, then a master's; if not, then a bachelor's. but he had absolutely no idea what that entails, and didn't know the first thing about even applying or funding it. he wants the prestige of such titles, but doesn't understand the transformation that would take place when you are edumacated. actually, the only thing my dad cared for was for me to follow in his footsteps as a baptist minister. sure, to do the lord's work, but also just for his own secret pride to be recognized as an important figure. and with a better role model, i probably would've done it happily. but growing up and seeing the constant hypocrisy, fatal character flaws, and oppression... it really turned me off from religion for a long time. and i never wanted to give him the satisfaction i don't know what my actual iq is, but i put myself through college in my late 20s by joining the national guard. my mother, being the discourager she is, was against it. i made straight As, whether it was science, math, economy, finance, statistics, english, lit, philosophy. i made As in all of them. i had enough aptitude that i could've pursued any of those fields if i had the self-confidence to really go after my dreams.... but i just don't have much belief that anything good will happen for some reason. after all that noise, my dad didn't even come to my graduation - whatever he had going on was more important than his own son's graduation. he also skipped out on one of my sister's wedding out - tells you what kind of father he is. he wants all of the family benefits - actually he just wants praise from other people - he doesn't actually know or care about what being a family actually is of course, with all the insecurity and self-loathing, it's cost me a lot socially and it's really cost me the most in romantic relationships. i won't bore you with the details. i'm just glad i have a small handful of core friends i am blessed enough to have throughout my life recently, i started learning music and i think i have a pretty good ear for music that even if i never went super far, it could've enriched a big portion of my life if i had parents who cared to encourage and support me while i explored all those avenues during my formative years..... i still think i could be a pretty good songwriter someday anyway, it's all just a lot of griping. no matter how bad it is, it could've been a lot worse. eventually, we all have to take responsibility for what someone else should've handled. i don't know your stance on it, but psilocybin has been helpful for my spiritual journey and i feel like i understand how life, the world, and humanity balances against the forces of eternity much better than ever before one book i found extremely helpful has been "don't believe everything that you think" by joseph nguyen - it's a lot more helpful than channels like this that encourages a lot of commiserating (though, i admit i do partake in it - but since reading that book, i'm beginning to refrain)
@@christianriddler5063 bro, don't lose hope your story sounds a lot like mine. i'm asian and have always had a great eye for art - i grew up drawing comic book characters and with the right encouragement, i honestly think i could've gone very far with it. i see other working artists' work and i think that frankly i could do better than a lot of them - yet i lack the self-belief to go after it. of course, my parents had no interest in or understanding of american culture. i basically learned english from watching tv. my parents have no idea what the foundational skills are and they'd rather just revert to living the lifestyle of the old country my mom has a way of saying little things that she thinks is helping, but it's honestly so very disheartening (it's ok you don't have to go for that. it's too hard, anyway. just do something simple, etc etc but you can tell she's glad i'm not getting to a level she can no longer grasp smh top tier parenting. her subtle selfishness is poison to me) my dad was obsessed with getting titles and degrees - must get a doctorate; if not, then a master's; if not, then a bachelor's. but he had absolutely no idea what that entails, and didn't know the first thing about even applying or funding it. he wants the prestige of such titles, but doesn't understand the transformation that would take place when you are edumacated. actually, the only thing my dad cared for was for me to follow in his footsteps as a baptist minister. sure, to do the lord's work, but also just for his own secret pride to be recognized as an important figure. and with a better role model, i probably would've done it happily. but growing up and seeing the constant hypocrisy, fatal character flaws, and oppression... it really turned me off from religion for a long time. and i never wanted to give him the satisfaction i don't know what my actual iq is, but i put myself through college in my late 20s by joining the national guard. my mother, being the discourager she is, was against it. i made straight As, whether it was science, math, economy, finance, statistics, english, lit, philosophy. i made As in all of them. i had enough aptitude that i could've pursued any of those fields if i had the self-confidence to really go after my dreams.... but i just don't have much belief that anything good will happen for some reason. after all that noise, my dad didn't even come to my graduation - whatever he had going on was more important than his own son's graduation. he also skipped out on one of my sister's wedding out - tells you what kind of father he is. he wants all of the family benefits - actually he just wants praise from other people - he doesn't actually know or care about what being a family actually is of course, with all the insecurity and self-loathing, it's cost me a lot socially and it's really cost me the most in romantic relationships. i won't bore you with the details. i'm just glad i have a small handful of core friends i am blessed enough to have throughout my life recently, i started learning music and i think i have a pretty good ear for music that even if i never went super far, it could've enriched a big portion of my life if i had parents who cared to encourage and support me while i explored all those avenues during my formative years..... i still think i could be a pretty good songwriter someday anyway, it's all just a lot of griping. no matter how bad it is, it could've been a lot worse. eventually, we all have to take responsibility for what someone else should've handled. i don't know your stance on it, but psilocybin has been helpful for my spiritual journey and i feel like i understand how life, the world, and humanity balances against the forces of eternity much better than ever before one book i found extremely helpful has been "don't believe everything that you think" by joseph nguyen - it's a lot more helpful than channels like this that encourages a lot of commiserating (though, i admit i do partake in it - but since reading that book, i'm beginning to refrain)
@@christianriddler5063 bro, don't lose hope your story sounds a lot like mine. i'm asian and have always had a great eye for art - i grew up drawing comic book characters and with the right encouragement, i honestly think i could've gone very far with it. i see other working artists' work and i think that frankly i could do better than a lot of them - yet i lack the self-belief to go after it. of course, my parents had no interest in or understanding of american culture. i basically learned english from watching tv. my parents have no idea what the foundational skills are and they'd rather just revert to living the lifestyle of the old country my mom has a way of saying little things that she thinks is helping, but it's honestly so very disheartening (it's ok you don't have to go for that. it's too hard, anyway. just do something simple, etc etc but you can tell she's glad i'm not getting to a level she can no longer grasp smh top tier parenting. her subtle selfishness is poison to me) my dad was obsessed with getting titles and degrees - must get a doctorate; if not, then a master's; if not, then a bachelor's. but he had absolutely no idea what that entails, and didn't know the first thing about even applying or funding it. he wants the prestige of such titles, but doesn't understand the transformation that would take place when you are edumacated. actually, the only thing my dad cared for was for me to follow in his footsteps as a baptist minister. sure, to do the lord's work, but also just for his own secret pride to be recognized as an important figure. and with a better role model, i probably would've done it happily. but growing up and seeing the constant hypocrisy, fatal character flaws, and oppression... it really turned me off from religion for a long time. and i never wanted to give him the satisfaction i don't know what my actual iq is, but i put myself through college in my late 20s by joining the national guard. my mother, being the discourager she is, was against it. i made straight As, whether it was science, math, economy, finance, statistics, english, lit, philosophy. i made As in all of them. i had enough aptitude that i could've pursued any of those fields if i had the self-confidence to really go after my dreams.... but i just don't have much belief that anything good will happen for some reason. after all that noise, my dad didn't even come to my graduation - whatever he had going on was more important than his own son's graduation. he also skipped out on one of my sister's wedding out - tells you what kind of father he is. he wants all of the family benefits - actually he just wants praise from other people - he doesn't actually know or care about what being a family actually is of course, with all the insecurity and self-loathing, it's cost me a lot socially and it's really cost me the most in romantic relationships. i won't bore you with the details. i'm just glad i have a small handful of core friends i am blessed enough to have throughout my life recently, i started learning music and i think i have a pretty good ear for music that even if i never went super far, it could've enriched a big portion of my life if i had parents who cared to encourage and support me while i explored all those avenues during my formative years..... i still think i could be a pretty good songwriter someday anyway, it's all just a lot of griping. no matter how bad it is, it could've been a lot worse. eventually, we all have to take responsibility for what someone else should've handled. i don't know your stance on it, but psilocybin has been helpful for my spiritual journey and i feel like i understand how life, the world, and humanity balances against the forces of eternity much better than ever before one book i found extremely helpful has been "don't believe everything that you think" by joseph nguyen - it's a lot more helpful than channels like this that encourages a lot of commiserating (though, i admit i do partake in it - but since reading that book, i'm beginning to refrain)
@@christianriddler5063 bro, don't lose hope your story sounds a lot like mine. i'm asian and have always had a great eye for art - i grew up drawing comic book characters and with the right encouragement, i honestly think i could've gone very far with it. i see other working artists' work and i think that frankly i could do better than a lot of them - yet i lack the self-belief to go after it. of course, my parents had no interest in or understanding of american culture. i basically learned english from watching tv. my parents have no idea what the foundational skills are and they'd rather just revert to living the lifestyle of the old country my mom has a way of saying little things that she thinks is helping, but it's honestly so very disheartening (it's ok you don't have to go for that. it's too hard, anyway. just do something simple, etc etc but you can tell she's glad i'm not getting to a level she can no longer grasp smh top tier parenting. her subtle selfishness is poison to me) my dad was obsessed with getting titles and degrees - must get a doctorate; if not, then a master's; if not, then a bachelor's. but he had absolutely no idea what that entails, and didn't know the first thing about even applying or funding it. he wants the prestige of such titles, but doesn't understand the transformation that would take place when you are edumacated. actually, the only thing my dad cared for was for me to follow in his footsteps as a baptist minister. sure, to do the lord's work, but also just for his own secret pride to be recognized as an important figure. and with a better role model, i probably would've done it happily. but growing up and seeing the constant hypocrisy, fatal character flaws, and oppression... it really turned me off from religion for a long time. and i never wanted to give him the satisfaction i don't know what my actual iq is, but i put myself through college in my late 20s by joining the national guard. my mother, being the discourager she is, was against it. i made straight As, whether it was science, math, economy, finance, statistics, english, lit, philosophy. i made As in all of them. i had enough aptitude that i could've pursued any of those fields if i had the self-confidence to really go after my dreams.... but i just don't have much belief that anything good will happen for some reason. after all that noise, my dad didn't even come to my graduation - whatever he had going on was more important than his own son's graduation. he also skipped out on one of my sister's wedding out - tells you what kind of father he is. he wants all of the family benefits - actually he just wants praise from other people - he doesn't actually know or care about what being a family actually is of course, with all the insecurity and self-loathing, it's cost me a lot socially and it's really cost me the most in romantic relationships. i won't bore you with the details. i'm just glad i have a small handful of core friends i am blessed enough to have throughout my life recently, i started learning music and i think i have a pretty good ear for music that even if i never went super far, it could've enriched a big portion of my life if i had parents who cared to encourage and support me while i explored all those avenues during my formative years..... i still think i could be a pretty good songwriter someday anyway, it's all just a lot of griping. no matter how bad it is, it could've been a lot worse. eventually, we all have to take responsibility for what someone else should've handled. i don't know your stance on it, but mushrooms has been helpful for my spiritual journey and i feel like i understand how life, the world, and humanity balances against the forces of eternity much better than ever before one book i found extremely helpful has been "don't believe everything that you think" by joseph nguyen - it's a lot more helpful than channels like this that encourages a lot of commiserating (though, i admit i do partake in it - but since reading that book, i'm beginning to refrain)
This describes me too well. I was happy for the few years of my life when I worked hard and did well in school. Now I hate myself and blame myself for everything when it’s not my fault. I cope by internalizing everything. I hate what I’ve become.
I think the worst part about this, is it feels like you’re being punished for simply existing. And that’s where the internalized self hate comes in.
Yes I now realize my dad did not ever get over that I was conceived. He’s 84 now❗️
So often do I wish that I could go back in time and stop my parents from having me. Clearly they never wanted me in the first place. Their mistake is not my fault yet im the one to pay for it.
Some parents never even hide they wish you never were born and outright telling you to unalive yourself
@@voloshanca when I was younger I pretended to have parents that wanted me so that I could imagine having self acceptance and confidence. I like faked it til I maked it. That’s why i related to what lili said about how we internalized self hate. I literally had to move to a sunny climate and create a new past in my imagination in order to manifest who I was inside.
@lisarodriguez8681 that's an ingenious way to cope. I'm glad it helped you. I believe it's actually used in the "narrative psychotherapy" method where you rewrite the narratives from your past so they would acquire a new meaning. Also many therapists say the way to healing is to "reparent yourself". I'm amazed you were able to figure out what exactly you wanted and needed as a child so you could create those loving parents in your mind.
To write a famous quote "A child that is not embraced by the village, will burn the village to feel its warmth"
damn
that is some kind of... revenge.
You forgot to add the "- African Proverb" at the end
@@male20yearsold You don't say?
The damage that has been done by those who rule over us can never be forgiven.
the axe forgets but the tree remembers
Oh my God 😞
Bro giving me deep thoughts rn :0
🌳
😮😢
😮❤. Am saving that. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
It doesn’t even have to be “bad” things. Just being told to leave the room, or ignored, or getting the understanding that you’re irritating. Profoundly damaging.
Dang, story of my life. Very true
I think hearing my parents arguing all the time about me probably messed me up too. Especially since my mum would defend me which would just make my dad even more angry - with her and with me.
Being ignored, neglected, seems to be worse than being directly abused or told that you're worthless, stupid, the cause of problems etc.
Look up the Rice experiment. Words of love, hate and neglect has an effect on the water in the rice. And the water in our bodies. It's fascinating.
Every child deserves to be loved, filled up with so much love that it overflows into the world.
Dang that explains it even more, can't count all the times I felt those feelings during childhood
Those examples are "bad" things. Emotional neglect is one of the most damaging forms of abuse
“Hurting people is easy as throwing rocks into the ocean...you’ll never know how deep it will fall”
Super good quote thank you
Oh that’s a good one.
That's why hurtful people are cowardly, weak folk.. Taking the easy route.
Specially, the harmless one 😢😢
Yup, and even if the child knows serious wrong is being done to them, they can still grow up feeling immense, unshakeable shame.
Or Rage.
Or turn into a narcissist
Or accept that certain things in life are beyond one's control, grieve the loss, and move on to the next right thing.
Or they have to seek help by an psychologist where he/she can learn tools to cope or heal or receive other therapies.Step over your wrong idea of only crazy people go to psychologists or fear that people will see you as crazy.
@@willmercury when your retinas detach multiple times due to the lifetime of stress and abuse inflicted by your own family you let me know how easy it is to “grieve the loss and move onto the next right thing”.
Damn. Had to shed a tear at the part where he explains “children won’t look to the parents and say “why aren’t you a good parent why aren’t you capable of loving me as you should.” But instead the child will automatically switch the blame to themselves “what did I do to deserve feeling unloved?” “What’s wrong with me?”
@@Joethelegalweaseloffical Exactly and precisely a fact...Been there,I'm a product and example of that.
Lol. During childhood my mom will suddenly go angry and yell "go reflect and thinking by yourself what you have wrong to me".
Or often time force me to apologize and just got angrier if i dont exactly know what was my fault.
I don't know what changed within me, but around my family I sort of became an argumentative narcissist and always blamed them?? Ofc nothing to be proud of, but in the public I'm literally a people pleaser w social anxiety, when indoors I have anger issues to the max?? Well I guess I did go through messed up things but things are complicated man idk how they work
Thankfully I had other adults in my life show me I matter, but it’s still a fight in my mind. ALL THE TIME. Both my parents were abusive so anytime any relationship starts to go bad I start by automatically assuming I’m the problem, and have to force myself to really look at it before truly dealing with it.
@@calyco2381 You must know in your heart you have done NOTHING wrong. She is the one with anger and control issues- she is creating the unfair, unwarranted unhappiness in HER MIND. She is caught up in imagining you're at fault. You AREN'T. Ideally, a parent (the adult) is responsible for teaching right and wrong. Not making you guess about sudden anger, or apologize to avoid more anger. It is HER responsibility to manage her emotions. Period. Please look into free support groups. All of us understand and are here to help in so many ways- Its what helped me. It still helps me, though mother died years ago- it's those unhealthy, dysfunctional behaviors that taught us lessons that arent helpful now. When we learn better, we feel better. Please consider a group - you are not alone.
I was unloved as a child. All my life I felt shame and self loathing. When I was 20, I cut my abusive parents out of my life, went to therapy, worked on myself and slowly became a healthier person. 4 years later I'm now married to a man with a loving family who accepted me upon meeting me. Finally I have a family. Finally I'm loved.
Maybe you can forgive your parents someday, it is better for your heart. Perhaps, give them a vist or if you can or a phone call show them the love you needed from them. Afterall, they are your parents my dear.
@@mai2235 ♥️♥️
@@mai2235toxic advice. Don’t do that. They don’t deserve that.
@@mai2235 you don’t have to forgive anyone for any reason. It being “good for you” is horseshit. Forgetting is just as effective at letting you move on as forgiving. That’s all an abuser deserves, to be forgotten.
I’m so happy you finally belong to your own healthy family! ❤ good for you! 😊
I speak from experience when I say that many of us, myself included, gave up long ago trying to really connect with others. I've learned to keep my emotions in check for my own sake so that I don't feel overwhelmed and I remain functional, but I don't trust others so I keep my feelings for them limited so that I don't end up getting hurt again. I keep it light, pleasant, and superficial. Everybody thinks I'm okay. I feel quite lonely most of the time.
I relate COMPLETELY. PLEASE look into free support groups- they helped me in countless ways- they are understanding and helpful. you are not alone.
Hugs. Same. I'm scared of getting too close. Humans seem better from a distance. I don't wanna get hurt again
You described being "avoidant" u can heal and become secure to finally live the happy and fulfilled life you deserve. Life without love is just a survive. Few people are trustworthy, but they still exist, u need to use discernment. Not all people are bad.
@@annakornikova9525 After growing up with abusive narcissistic parents and family and every other aspect in life goes downhill with it, it's not worth risking myself out there to get hurt. It's like a curse that follows me or the majority of the population are just dishonest manipulative selfish fake shallow sadistic willfully ignorant wolves in sheep's clothing. It's not worth getting hurt again. It pains too much to risk my peace. It's very lonely being all alone some days that I wish I could magically clone myself or summon a true lifelong friend .. but voluntary isolation is safer for my mental health, time, and energy. It's hard, and I'm scared of the day I lose this little peace that I barely have because I'm still not fully free of my childhood abusers. Is it really happiness if it's fragile and temporary? Is it really peace if I'm still not free? Is this kind of life worth living? I very much doubt it most days. But what can I do. The chance of surviving methods that may permanently end my earthly misery is a worse punishment than life itself.
@@annakornikova9525After growing up with abusive narcissistic parents and family and every other aspect in life goes downhill with it, it's not worth risking myself out there to get hurt. It's like a curse that follows me or the majority of the population are just dishonest manipulative selfish fake shallow sadistic willfully ignorant wolves in sheep's clothing. It's not worth getting hurt again. It pains too much to risk my peace. It's very lonely being all alone some days that I wish I could magically clone myself or summon a true lifelong friend .. but voluntary isolation is safer for my mental health, time, and energy. It's hard, and I'm scared of the day I lose this little peace that I barely have because I'm still not fully free of my childhood abusers. Is it really happiness if it's fragile and temporary? Is it really peace if I'm still not free? Is this kind of life worth living? I very much doubt it most days. But what can I do. The chance of surviving methods that may permanently end my earthly misery is a worse punishment than life itself.
What's even sadder is that when these kids grow up, they're forgotten and expected to go without help or support.
I'll do you one better, what's worse is many of us seek help wondering what's wrong with us when really we are suffering from what happened TO US and just need to be loved.
The nightmare I live everyday
Try Pete Walkers book on Complex PTSD
Also see the work of Gabor Mate I think. I think his book is "The Body Keeps The Score"
Our bodies develop illnesses caused by bad treatment
Sadder?
@@mikemadrid3965 eminem too, there s hope. Resilience!
The parents still gonna be like “ I fed and clothed you!”
Ah, yes the bare minimum.
The government or even a hotel could have done that lol
@@christianriddler5063If it hadn’t been for the govt, my siblings and I would have starved, had no shelter… Not even the bare minimum was attempted by my loser “parents.” My dad never even lived with us.
@@Autumn_Forest_ My dad stole welfare from me when I was younger, so did my mom. I was in such a bad place, thinking about self deleting and then they steal from me too ontop of all the other trauma.
There are truly some horrible people in this world.
My dad said that's all children needed: food, clothes & a roof over their head
@@SweetUniverse Then he's a fool.
Every parent should be taught this before having and raising a child. Some people just shouldn't have children 😢
Maybe even taught in school
Agree
Like my dad
No matter what you show to parents or future parents, they very rarely don't fuck up
YES. THIS!
Don't forget the:
" you should be more grateful I gave you your life."
God gives us life. Not our parents. I hope you are free from your parent's evil.
@christianriddler5063
It's not that deep, I have forgiven their mistakes and moved on with my life.
@@alis-anime5484 Good. This is what mature people do.
@@ninascheicher5500 we need healthy social surroundings to heal our old wounds though. Mature people don't blame the poor souls who don't have this, Nina.
@@alis-anime5484 That was a great decision! There's a quote that goes like this;- "When a child realises that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent. When he forgives them, he becomes an adult. When he forgives himself he becomes wise"
Damn I felt that one. I tried my best as a kid but at some point I took the antisocial route and hated myself and everyone else, feeling empty and tortured inside 24 hours a day, even having depression/panic attack/anxiety everyday since 20 years now (I'm 34).
I always felt ashamed of myself, and since I didn't know what I did wrong I tried my best to be a good person at first, but after getting abused and betrayed for many years I started to hate everyone else too.
I didn't really connect the dots because I stopped trying to get loved at some point and quickly started to see my parents as nothing more than mere aquaintances.
Probably related: I'm a cat guardian since 8 years now and I'm raising her like she's my real daughter. I always call her that way, stay with her all the time, buying her tons of stuff and come immediately whenever she calls me, for example even when I'm doing a work mail I'm always throwing away my phone to run and go see her. Whenever she gives me love bites or scratches/bites me to play I gladly give her my arm, I honestly feel like if she wanted it even as a whim I would tear it down to give it to her. However I still scold her whenever she does something bad and whenever her health is in danger (going to vet, giving her medecine, showering her when she's really really dirty) I can kill my emotions at the moment and feel basically heartless, knowing I'm doing it for her sake. Even tho when she cried because the vet told me she can't go outside or eat for a few days I felt devastated... hearing her cry is unbearable to me because I feel like I'm a bad parent, just like mine.
I remember now that at first I wanted to be a good parent, because I know what bad parenting does to a child.
So thank you, I probably found the reason why I have so much anxiety and panic attack every day.
Thank you, meow ❤
good luck man you became a really awesome parent from what i can see!! KEEP IT UP
Your message heals my heart
Thank you so much for honestly sharing😂
And remember - any sense of seperarion Is an ilusión because the truth is we are all part of the same body. The heavens are in your corner and so am😁👏👏👏☮️❤️
I hope you reply cuz I want to hear more from you🤞
Loving/supporting another after following a bad childhood is a true triumph and I know your cat appreciates you.
Like Sirius said: You are NOT a bad person, You are a very good person who bad things have happened to!
It's what I started to realise recently
I'd say: You can become a very good person if you work on it, despite what happened to you.
Even when you cause harm to others, you’re not a bad person. That’s the tricky part. It’s fairly easy to feel empathy for people we perceive as only victims. We don’t generally accept that people only hurt people when they have been hurt deeply themselves, and have never received compassion from anyone.
@@katieandnick4113 It's not empathy you are experiencing, it's sympathy and identification. If you see the world through the drama triangle (victim-persecutor-savior), you will see victims as you identify with them due to your own trauma.
Having empathy allows you to see everyone's sides - after you have healed yourself.
There's also actually evil people in the world with clearly malicious intent. They're constantly lying and manipulating people, but people don't see them as long as they're unhealed since the malicious people play victims and play on people's guilt.
Most of my therapy sessions revolve around being unable to shake that feeling that I'm never going to be enough. I'm 27, I fully acknowledge and understand that I was abused and it wasn't my fault, but that didn't stop me from overworking myself to the point of a heart attack scare because I felt like I had to.
It's the conflict between knowing you are worthy and precious, and "feeling" that way. You can learn it later, but the feeling parents instill is indeed hard to shake. Keep going, you will be fine. Love others, love yourself.
Absolutely, the instinct is still there, the emotional, neurological and hormonal pattern that your body has trained and polished since you were just a little kid... that's not something you can easily get rid off.
It's helpful for me to acknowledge reality first before talking about whatever I'm feeling, not to invalidate myself but to just sorta remind myself that what's actually true. Just a quick, "logically I know XYZ, but I feel ABC," to keep myself grounded lol.
Look up wu Wei wisdom.
@@tasfiahnabani8719I just randomly clicked on this comment but Im really amazed by this wu wei wisdom! So glad I saw your comment! Thank you 🙏🏻 😊
Well this sums up my childhood: not feeling loved at all, being assaulted s*x*****, parents don't showing love ever, being the scapegoat of the family, having to "forgive" abusers, feeling and told I am the problem... it's been 4 months since I cut contact with all of my family. Sometimes it sucks because they are the only ones meant to love you... but they don't. And the feeling of never being good enough or being the one who is wrong will never fade away. Even with therapy.
I'm glad you were able to escape from their abuse. It's a loss you will overcome.
I'm proud of you! I know, from experience that you are sleeping better!
@@tracyhasty6506 I have weird nightmares still, just today for example, but I guess with time my wounds will at least close. Don't know about healing though.
☹️😢
I’m so sorry
I know only Jesus can heal those wounds and deliver you from any demons that were unfairly brought into your life … healing with Jesus can be a process but the only thing that actually works because He created you out of love and can and wants to heal you so much …. “God is near to the broken hearted” “God heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds” “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, for His steadfast love endures FOREVER.” His love is perfect, unlike human love. Look up soul fragmentation and how Jesus can heal it. God bless you🌸
The opposite of love isn't hate.
It's indifference.
It will take time, perhaps years before you rarely think of them. And when you do, it will still hurt, but you'll know you did the right thing in escaping their clutches.
@@Koshrocreations I've had nightmares over 20 years. It's your brains way of healing. Be sure to get plenty of rest,water and good food! You deserve the best! I'm praying for you 😊
And then they go on forgetting everything they did to you
In my experience they don't forget, they just hope that the victim forgets.
I think that they go on, without realising what they did to you.
Because it’s a cycle. Parents were once children who were similarly abused, and they in turn abused their own children because they didn’t know any better. Stop the cycle of abuse with your kids if you can.
aint that the truth.
@@mgal6234 some parents were spoiled and they only care about their benefit. If harming a child is beneficial to them, they will do it.
I picked up my child immediately and held him close. I never want him to feel unloved.
So proud of you. You've just made a powerful decision for all of humanity ❤❤
Thanks for sharing it gives me hope to one day do the same
Accepting that we all have the capacity to make our children feel this way is the first step. That’s one, of many, problems with patriarchy. It tells us that parents, and especially mothers(possibly counterintuitively) can do no harm, and we believe it. Another problem with patriarchy is that it encourages us to blame others for the harm they contribute to(nobody is EVER fully responsible for anything), which is a major reason we are so uncomfortable acknowledging the roles we play in harming others. If I know that true forgiveness and understanding from others(not from god, but from other human beings) is totally possible, then I’m a lot more likely to acknowledge the roles I’ve played in others’ pain. If I believe I will be abandoned for doing hurtful things, that doesn’t actually decrease the likelihood that I will do them. It only makes me better at hiding what I’ve done, even from myself.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. please keep pooring love into that child. Make sure they feel your presence. Make sure they see you listening so they don’t feel like they aren’t good enough. Make sure you tell them words of affirmation like they are good enough and they are loved. You have the power to shape that child’s life …
W
"Every child deserves parents, but not every parent deserves a child."
That... explains a lot. When you're neglected, emotionally abused, and emotionally manipulated by the people who are supposed to treat you with love, it's only natural that you'll feel hurt and take a while to figure out that they're the problem.
And turning to others who cant comprehend the wrongs you have suffered often results in well meaning, but TERRIBLE advice.(saying nonsense like :" Your family will always be there, defend/protect/understand/support you through thick and thin- Make it work- they are your blood" NO. Not ALL families are alike. You're better of creating your own support system.) Good luck, you can do it.
Especially because they'll unconsciously signal that it's your fault (if not overtly).
I always remember being blamed for everything, even things I couldn't possibly have done. This led me to develop a nervous smile and laugh if someone tells me off, although I have managed to suppress this what i can't supress is me blaming myself for misfortune and putting hours into thinking of contingencies as I should have forseen issues coming up.
I now spend time contemplating that on a planet wide (or even country wide) scale nothing really matters. Great and terrible acts are likewise forgotten given enough time or space so why worry?
Yes because it’s definitely NOT YOU. It’s never YOU.
@@icu3869 I have the same trouble. Because I look so normal, people assume I have a normal background.
Even, when I share emotionally abusive events or talk about my emotional struggles, friends would still ask me how's it going with my parents and if they are fine etc. I mean how would I know?
Nobody thinks my past is hurtful and has damaged me so much, just because I look like a normal happy social self.
Completely true. Also true is that since you've never been given love, you begin seeking it outside of yourself. Its very difficult to navigate the world isolated from the one thing we all need to thrive.
Exactly it's a fact and you get more isolated
Beautifully said
@chueikiir Thank you for the positive comment.
63 here. Parents mellow sometimes, sometimes not. I began to heal when I learned God loved me. When I remember "Breath now breath, you're probably too stupid to remember to do that either." I remember God loves me so much. If He loves me, then the opinions of hateful, imperfect people don't matter. Eventually, the old memories fade and new loving ones fill their place. Forgiveness doesn't mean they were right it just helps you let go of anger so you don't become bitter. Unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I've been there and worked hard to work through it. Remember, people can say anything to you and about you. That doesn't make it true. God loves you more than you can understand, just the way you are.
And then parents pull the: “i dont remember that. You had a fine childhood!”
Edit: im reading so many of yall’s comments, i truly pray for yall and i hope yall seek and find healing ❤️🩹
Damn that’s for real tho. We must have the same parents.
Same here. You can’t forget decades of abuse
Yup. I heard that and it hurt. Almost 40 and still not completely healed.
And tell us how horrible we are for asking them to give a crap, that we are victimizing them. Always victims
Ah, I see you're talking about my mom and my dad.
I knew at a young age that things weren't right but was never listened to or allowed to speak. They just told everyone who would listen that I was troubled. I held on and knew my truth.
Thanks for this reassuring and supportive message!❤
Suddenly I understand myself better 😌
I had an epiphany at 8-9 yo that my parents were wrong. Loek a bolt of lightening. That THEY were the ones wrong, no matter what I'd done, I didn't deserve to be beaten like that.
I lost all trust, most love & steove to be independent from that day.
It's lonely. But I did find someone worthy of my trust.
I'm happy that you found someone to trust. It's rare these days.
May Jesus Christ bless you.
Good for you. I have the epiphany at about the same age and I shamed them with my words, and eventually it helped them realize they were treating us wrong. But that was because they were ill-equipped as parents, not bad people. Eventually, we all came to healing processes. But I never wanted a child of my own because of the suffering I had endured.
Same here! And was called “rebellious” and “devil child” when I called them out on it! Haha lots of kids are smart, they’re not gonna take abuse, or they’ll learn it’s wrong and identify it instinctively!
A family should be a place you can come home to and not have to fight for your life just to exist! Especially for a child! Went thru making myself small AND living unapologetically under that roof. Never was I enough! And that’s fine, they just don’t have that capability to love their own kid I guess! Some people should not have children!
This is what I found out last year after finally going to therapy. No matter how successful I was, I always felt like garbage. This was the root cause and now I’m learning to just let go of my old self
Same here :-(
Yesterday, I learnt about the book „Die deutsche Mutter und ihr erstes Kind“ which was published in Nazi-Germany and was widely accepted as a guide on how to interact with your newborn child.
It told new mothers:
Don’t give love or affection or more time than absolutely necessary to your newborn. Don’t spoil it with emotions. (Verhätschel das Kind nicht.) Let it sit (a newborn!) in a quiet room by itself, don’t try to calm it when it cries.
The (German) Wikipedia article mentions that those born in 1930/40ies and even till the 60ies told therapists about their broken relationships with their parents so many times it outstands in European studies about these generations. Emotionally cold environments they grew up in hurt them when they were adults and still did when they grew old.
It’s so sad and this video shows why it hurt so much.
I have a German husband born into a post war German family with Nazi legacy, with PTSD, rape, poverty, hunger and serious abuse doubled up on both parents' side. The husband has been maltreated, "disciplined" for his own good. More patterns start to come out now that he disciplines his own/our children. He is oblivious this is trauma, the intergenerational trauma. He adapted and in principle against abuse, anti nazi etc but subconscious patterns are all there
Same here.
Same applies to one of my friends whos parents were German.
Overall Germans can be quite distant without even being told to.
My mother and her siblings were so easily discarded by their father to a Kinderheim when his new wife said she'd love him more if he didn't have children. Now I understand why he could do such a thing with no remorse.
I live in Germany and in their traditions although appearing harmless at the first glance you can feel this harsh distance they feel for each other
@@razredge07 This is awful. My mother in law was raped as a child by her Nazi father returned from the war. She has damaged self esteem, she is a people pleaser, tit for that is her main defense she taught her children (my husband) and now grandchildren. Married to two abusers who beat her and the children. This wild fire does not stop rolling through the generations.
Took me 22 years to realize my mom never said she loved me when no one was watching. Even to this day the negative thoughts I think of myself are words directly from her.
Took me 47 years 😢
Please, heal and love yourself, and your life ❤
Mine never said that to me, even publicly. The closest i got was "If the cat falls off the back porch, i can deal with that. I can't deal with you or your sister falling." And she did on a few occasions make an effort to take me on walks.
Her constant disparaging remarks whenever i set out to make anything with my talents, still gets to me-- telling me that I'm just doing it for myself; making laughing-sighing sounds while calling it stupid and saying that no one wants my creative skillset. no matter how polite or considerate i was about it.
While typing, I almost put a positive spin at the end out of obligation, then decided not to. That's my version of healing.
I feel silly for calling her "Mom" instead of "mother" all this time. i feel stupid for lying to my psychiatrist when i was 12 that "things are fine" between us, or that i have "anxiety" issues that i need medication for when i actually had violent thoughts towards others and had a shit social life at school. i lied about the last part for fear of getting institutionalized or getting in some kind of trouble. Everything was my fault.
I once confronted my mom for neglecting me. I was mad and I told her that I felt like she had treated me like a pet that their owners just fed and kept alive and didn't pay attention to.
She just said “I admit it, I made a big mistake “.
And the conversation ended there
Perfect depiction of the ultimate most accountablility and social presence of a narcissist.
@@poetsrearnah they don’t even admit it most times. Isn’t a true narcissist incapable of admitting they’re wrong?
My mom gets mad and just gaslights me
Better than my dad that's for sure. He's steeped in denial and doesn't see anything wrong with what he's done
It's worse. Some say sorry but don't mean it. They then expect you to be thankful that they said sorry, and then to pretend nothing happened. They might act like you should be ashamed for talking after this because they were the bigger person today. 😅 @Izz740
Dang this brought back some terrible memories. To all my people out there struggling to find love for yourself: YOU LOVE AND ARE LOVED!! I LOVE YOU!! STAY STRONG!!
Thanks! That hit hard for me, too
Thanks because I can’t even watch it but I’m so glad it’s being said❗️
You are loved too.
Thanks but it's empty pretty words. I don't know you and you don't know me. At the end of the day, pretty words help none but *yourself* feel better #brutalreality
@ then it is so. Bless your journey
I always have to remind my parents, that what was another regular day of the week for them, was a formative and life-changing experience for me, that taught me how to hate myself merely for existing.
😢❤
Once I tried to communicate to my step dad that it would feel nice to hear something positive about myself every now and then, he fucking lost it and started saying how he was taking me out of the will, that he’s busted his ass for me, that I’m a sour puss, that I can’t even do simple things like take out the dishes when they’re dry. I still feel like I did something wrong by telling him how I felt, and by just being who I am and it’s still hard to unbelieve that.
❤
Step-parents can be unnecessarily harsh sometimes.
I hope you know that you didn't do anything wrong, but your situation is a great example of why repairing a broken parent-child relationship is nowhere near as simple as people living in a rosy world of happy families portray it to be. Some parents will never be ready to have "the talk", and we have no choice other than to accept it.
Single mums need to hear this
Children are precious gems, please dont have any if you cant recognise this
Hey, this was me. I fell into both of these categories and came out with the revelation that my parents taught me who not to be. Restructuring the pathways in my brain has been quite the difficulty and is a continuous on going project, but with the trajectories of who was into who I am along with the vision of who I am becoming, I’m gonna be an amazing dad. 😁
The resolution at the end of this clip reveals one of the unlocking keys to a better life...cultivating resilience. Having the will and the courage to continue on in spite of what has passed. This is not to say the burdens may not creep in at times, but here is where we must find ways to cope. Leaning on a true friend, a life partner or even a licensed professional can help bring light to those dark times. The ability to simply cope and manage your pain amidst everything else is such a strength in and of itself and is not given due credit.
Beautifully said
Honestly the words I'm looking for rn. Thank you. Been struggling with exactly this and I'm just having a hard time finding where to go from here
Just chilling with yourself also. Like doing things for yourself. Learning to practice self care. Eating properly, exercising daily, finding community and social connections, hair care, body care, meaningful work, all the things that may have been lacking within an abusive household. Learning to take care of yourself and learning your own needs helps you to navigate the world around you. Having compassion for yourself is important. Accepting that a parent is incapable of love is also important to move forward. You don’t need that parent. You have no obligation to subject yourself to abuse. You aren’t required to be thankful toward your parent if they tortured you. I think this demographic shows incredible resilience but there are also many with chronic illness, compromised immunity, etc as proper self care was not established. I find my peers that grew up in loving homes have way better health than my peers that grew up with negligent parents. You have to establish healthy routines and keep them up. Hope all of those with shit parents will love themselves and eliminate the toxic people from their lives.
....leaning on yourself and on God.
Life meaning is resistance to death
I think some of fhe anger my parents felt when I wluld confront them about this was their own shame, because in listening to me, they realized wrong was done to them, too. And they weren’t ready to unpack everything they had assumed as a child was normal and possiboy even good.
Yes, I have the same problem with my parents
This is hard on another level your left to face everything again. It's the fact that they didn't acknowledge their own past that let it be passed to you.
Came the same realization. It’s made me able to admit my own mistakes. Pride is worth nothing! Humility is the foundation for love, ESPECIALLY for your kids. Breaking cycles AND building healthier ones.
I’ve met a few people that grew up like that. Their parents and family didn’t show very much interest in them/ what they have going on in their lives. It’s honestly really sad since they don’t know how to act in a lot of relationship building situations and they’re just not prepared for building sustainable connections with other people.
That's me, I have no idea how to do anything in social situations. Now my heart is broken and the loneliness is extreme. I have been lonely for all my life, I don't know what it's like to not be alone and I probably never will know anything else.
Life is suffering and pain. Sometimes you get a good moment but it's rare.
@@christianriddler5063you’re not alone in your loneliness
plus there is a lot of stuff you just don’t know you don’t know or were never taught.
That one line “never asks what’s wrong with the parents but asks what’s wrong with me.” Hits the heart. That change in perspective is everything. It’s the WHY your parents struggles in one way or another and it not being a reflection of your worth and ability to be loved or accepted.
That's really well said,my mother abandoned me at 4 years old and I felt exactly like this and I went really self destructive for next thirty years,I'm 42 now and only just coming to terms with it all properly,by thinking exactly they way they just described.
Sending you lots of love and healing energy 🤍
Take care.
Tried to love a man with this, he couldn,t receive it, closed off and run away. Still heartbroken after years
"What happen to a child who isnt loved properly"
I JUST WOKE UP DAMN 😂
😭😭😭
It explains SO much! 😭💔
This is my experience and every experience of foster children. I was a foster child, not only was I done wrong at "home", but I was done wrong by kids in the neighborhood by being bullied. At 25, I started to realize I was done wrong by others.
So sorry to hear what you had to go through, it can really be an awful world sometimes. I hope things are getting better. Do kids who get adopted feel better? Asking because I am considering to adopt if ever I get the chance to
I'm 55 now, and was also in foster care. I was legally emancipated at 17, but I still suffer from the past mistreatment from my family, peers and the "system." I appear to have it all together now, but I don't.
@@drunkensquirrel7545I was emancipated midway through my fifteenth year and I was in the foster care system for the two and a half years prior to that because my family of origin and I were not doing well at all I was very dysfunctional at the time but now I’m coming on my fifth decade of life and I’m really amazed that I was able to get myself to the next level of life and know that I was not in this house with any real allies. My mom threw down the gauntlet and told me I was going to be in her house that means I follow her on the arbitrary and inconsistently enforced rules and I that included no longer having my relationship with my bf but I was to date this rich prep school guy whose parents were awarded winning physicians and he was a spoiled creep. It was a very strange time in retrospect. The first foster home I was in had two other teenagers in it and they were both so invested in me that I called them Mancy(mom Nancy) and Dad even though I had a father still we had another name for him my brothers and I came up with. They were very happy and warm but I ended up needing to get closer to my parents district so I could complete my education but it was a disaster initially yes my mother was trying to sue someone. I’m not even sure what her case was now that I looked back. The county guidance counselor was dating somebody at this point different than the rich kid and his parents were kind enough to let me live there waiting for emancipation. ended up unexpectedly a foster parent myself a few years later the granddaughter of my neighbor was facing being put in the system after his son, her father and only parent we were family together from the time she was five until she was 14. She is 30 and a mother of three so proud of her. a lot of self loathing otherwise I don’t know why I can’t seem to regulate it lately Apocalypse it’s not always what it is even if it was the end of something it wouldn’t be the exact same down in crisis mode and something that ended before in order for something to begin, although my mind knows it my brain brain has been marinating in menopausal, begging me to control of hard reset myself from the bottom build a better version of me… I have a tendency to be physically kinetic energy ubiquitous and fleeting as I am able to keep my heads above the sewage in life as well as I do not wish to overstay my welcome and I do believe that I have before I don’t find myself completely unlovable I think taste is acquired. Invest appreciated. A lot of gravity and electric fields in my arm hairs which I don’t normally consider being present except I had an event a few moments ago maybe half hour or a circuit to the outlet in my 145 year old house goy Sparky and I’m terrified Electricity’s going to get me anyway however now I should get a second opinion on whether the smell of ozone and broasted chicken is present in every person’s nostrils or maybe perhaps I’ve fried something
Same, taken away from exetremly abusive parents at 10 to be put into a Foster home who saw me as free labor and a easy check, got horribly bullied at school for coming in smelling weird and having ripped up clothing that was too small
Im sorry that happened. @berserkagain7976
This warms my heart ❤ thank you and blessings to all on their respective healing journeys ❤
Thank you for this, because I remember the abuse and the neglect. They don’t and have forgotten. I’ve tried to forgive and I need to pray more about that. I am working on my self-confidence now at 42, trying to keep the memories of being called stupid and being beaten away.
Forgive the abusers? No. I think just forgive yourself for continuing their abuse as your internal dialogue.
It's a hard thing to grasp.
Yes, it is. Fully coming to terms with the love you did not receive as a child is akin to grieving the death of the parents you didn’t have in the first place. It takes years.
I've seen unloved children show up in society in 3 different ways. The angry child - who goes on to rebel in every way possible. The anxiety ridden child - who goes on to question everything and tries to find answers to a phenomenon that doesnt make sense. And finally the conformative perfectionist. They take on the same views as their parents. For instance, if my parents said I was a weird, awkward child - then I must have been a weird, awkward child.
The best thing you can do is not carry that generational trauma forward - and have children before you're ready.
@@JackieO_24 i've been all three at different times🤷♂
Thing is if you're treated like dirt your entire life you're going to see yourself as dirt. 1+1. That's the issue
@@JackieO_24I was the angry one i calmed down a bit, but I'm still angry around my parents
This is exactly what i am discussing at therapy. Man I will tell you... this is hard. Makes me want to leave therapy. Because it makes no sense hating yourself at first. But when you realize you HATE yourself, and why and how you do it... it is hard to digest. But with it also comes healing
It’s really fucked up. Why should I hate myself after being abused?? But it is what it is. Learning self care, self love, self compassion is essential.
I'm glad to hear your making progress and that going through the hard stuff pays off. I needed to hear that to stick with it.
If you not ready to have a kid, don't make one.
But children give tooo many rights and benefits to women playing the victim roll.
@@tpilot_error404you are the one playing the victim here
That's not how it works
99% of people are not ready
one of the reasons abortion should be a legal right
This is sadly quite relatable. I've hated myself for as long as I can remember and that's a REALLY long time. I've always felt undeserving of being loved, because even though people around me say that I'm a good person, everyone seems to believe that, except for me. I don't think I'm a good person, haven't for the longest time. It doesn't matter if I see someone in trouble and my first instinct is to help then, I still find a way to rationalise that I did it for selfish reasons. I try to believe that I'm a good person, but some part of me, either unconscious or subconscious doesn't let me. I do something good and I think to myself, maybe I'm not so bad, and then comes the thoughts, almost like intrusive thoughts "You did it for selfish reasons" "You only did it because there were people looking and you didn't want them to know how awful you are" and many others like this. I truly don't understand my own brain.
So true as someone who was neglected and abused as a young child it hits hard I suffer from low self esteem borderline depression and anxiety it’s never ok to abuse a child as it causes so much damage
I was loved so much by my parents and I adore my 3 young children! I find this video so heartbreaking and I wish well for all kids or adults healing from this neglect😢❤
Thank you. I'm 47 and my mom beat me as a child. I don't even remember it. My sisters had to tell me. I've tried for years to heal and have a relationship with my "mom". Last year she did some passive aggressive bs after insisting that I must forgive her. I literally asked her before interacting "do you have the headspace" and she said "yes" but not even 1 min in as I am talking, she flicks her finger in disgust, impatience or whatever narcissistic excuse she had and I lost it. I lost it so bad I had to storm out and what did she do since then? She went silent. Not a word to apologize. She continues the narrative that I am the unforgiving son and she "prays" for me. Her name is Maryrose Cosio (Ralston). There's no getting through to her. She is delusional, selfish, cold and outright mean. It makes me sick because it's like I have to grieve a parent who is still alive. All the therapy in the world doesn't help. I keep trying but it's exhausting. Definitely has affected my entire adult life. I've lacked the resources in my 20s and 30s and now I have a beautiful 5 yo girl and I couldn't imagine putting a lovely gift of a person like her through the damage I have endured. I can't reconcile why. I can't get closure like I'd prefer because my mother is so sick, cold, mean and nasty. I ask why is she like that? How? But she plays so innocent I've fallen for it my whole life and I am struggling to accept that I may just never get that healing interaction that I so desire. Letting that go and moving on with ones life is so hard. My apologies for the rant but this all just slams me completely. Thank you for listening
There is no healing, there is only suffering and pain, that's all there is to life.
Unloved children grow up incapable of love. We're broken for life. It's a lifelong curse😢🤧
Recently, I've been thinking about the concept of shame and how it takes up space in my own life. Sometimes, I take a step back from my actions and realize that I'm actually acting in efforts to reduce the ever present feeling of not being enough. What is enough? Who decides when I've passed the threshold that decides I deserve to not feel shame any longer? A bit of shame keeps some bad habits at bay. Other aspects of myself can be arbitrarily decided as shameful in one circle and worthy of praise in another. Not to mention that societal pressures of today that shame us for the very things that make us human- having emotions, having hunger, being tired, being passionate, etc. Great timing for this video!
Maybe you can get season tickets to some live theater, and get used to clapping for other people, only because the scene has ended.
No matter what treat your self as u would treat yr best precious friend
Good advice 😊
I like this comment
easier said then done obviously
Treat yourself as the child that would rise yourself.
One of the hardest battles you can every face. But we are warriors, and we can bear the fight. Peace is ours whenever we are brave enough to sit still and just be
I have experienced this. I always wondered why no matter what I do. I always have to be the best everywhere I am. It can be anything but I have to be the best
Don't forget to also consider the child who learns from their peers they are the "other" and therefore always kept at a distance, treated like an outcast, etc.
That child could learn the lesson that there's something wrong with them and they are essentially unlovable/unlikable. (i.e. being unaccepted in their peer group validates the reasons they've been left out instead of illustrating the peer group has problems)
Once that kind of thinking is internalized, no amount of correction is likely to easily fix it: anyone showing affection or friendship is really just showing kindness to someone because they've taken pity on them. (Even the love of a family member can be felt to be an obligation of family or simply evidence of the good of the relative)
And anyone showing hostility is simply recognising the outcast for who/what they are; validating all of the negative feelings that child may have about themselves.
It's why we should spend a LOT more time and effort making sure that children don't have this kind of damage in their "formative" years, because once this kind of thing has become established as a part of a child's world-view, it's exceptionally difficult to fix.
In that same sense, we as adults should show general acceptance and inclusion of others unless they give us good reason(s) to avoid them. I was teased vehemently as a child by both family and peers. It was only when I took a firm stance of my own that things began to change. Self-love (not narcissism) and self-acceptance. However, I have "Complex PTSD" as a result of my younger years.
@@inmyopinionjff2624 That's truly awful! I hope you've found a path to recovery...
@@a24396 - As best as I can, I try to pursue inner peace, and express sincere kindness with others who don't abuse it. That being said, I realize we are living in difficult times.
I've had interesting conversations with some who have visited countries where they have much less in the way of "material wealth". And most often, they say that they've NEVER FELT SO MUCH LOVE AND UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE as they have in those countries (like Thailand for example). I'm tempted to go for a visit. It would be an amazing experience.
Thank you for your kind and caring words.
I agree, having experienced this at school, although the problem is that this can hardly be avoided if any child goes to school. From my experience it's in the nature of the institution that bullying is prevalent. I went to three different schools and experienced it in every one of them. Once I graduated, I was just happy I was out of school. From university on, the hell was over, then I just had to work out the damage received through the years, still ongoing.
I honestly don't know how you can avoid school? In many countries home schooling is also not an option. Bullying is a huge problem and can start from kindergarten. And yes, all the love from parents can't protect you from thinking like that. Only option is to somehow survive till university and heal. :(
Reading these comment has the gratitude I have for the parents I had absolutely overflowing. They had plenty of shortcomings, as do I, but I wouldn't have changed a thing about either of them. They were exactly the parents I needed. I wish you all well and hope those whom were failed by their parents peace.
Thank you💜🙏
And so the child that is emotionally neglected..... Ends up feeling shame for having needs, or feelings, or a vulnerable heart like everybody else does deep down inside..... Because subconsciously they were made to feel ashamed by should-be carer adult figures, or rejectful peers..... When they tried to reach out to them....
This explains so much. But now that I'm older, I have gone on a journey towards finding the good we need in this world. I've developed the strength to love and validate my own heart..... And to seek out where people actually treat me right. 💞🙏🙇♀️
This made me cry, especially trying harder in school. I've been an "angel" and I've been a rebel, now I'm burned out, wondering, even though I've been told I've done nothing, what I've done wrong.
This is heartbreaking! I have loved a person that suffered a rough upbringing.....it was so hard! Broke my heart to choose myself but it was necessary and the right choice. I would never be able to undo his past.
I wish i had different parents growing up... better and more loving ones
Same, I wish I could have been treated like a human being when I was a child and a teenager.
Instead of being abandoned and neglected.
@@christianriddler5063 same here
I think what’s worse is when that happens to someone and they do it to their child because they feel they lack the ability to love and be loved. Generational problems, trauma, are very real and important to work through.
My mother actually said to me, “There’s no such thing as love.”
Swinging between trying too to giving up is the constant of my life
I pray for those experiencing this, may they see the truth🙏🙏🙏
At 44yo, I still deal with this issue. I have a family of my own now & I give my sons what I didn't have, which is love, support and guidance. Parents lay the foundation for who we are, but it doesn't have to define us even though it will always be a part of our lives. It feels like a forever thorn in my heart no matter how much I'd like to ignore the feeling. Rant over lol
The day I realized I did nothing wrong and I deserve love with no conditions.
I was mind blown. It’s taken a full year to fully process that and understand the impact it has had on my life.
children deserve/need unconditional love, not adults
@@muma6559you're not the target audience, and you're missing the point
@@AleTitan ok. But it doesn't have to be that way. I don't believe babies who are unloved fill themselves with shame, no, that's not how it goes.
@@muma6559mmm ok so where does the baby learn it? Do babies come pre installed with walking, grooming themselves, keeping their hands to themselves, tying a shoe? Do they just have factory settings where they know how to ask for help, make friendships, or not play with their own shit?
No, actually. The treatment a child receives is programming. Training. That’s what ‘raising’ a child is.
Sometimes the programming is good and sometimes it is not good.
@@namedrop721 it's very painful for them, the babies. It's deprivation. Not shame. So, who's missing the point now?
If you’re reading this please know that you are loved and your life is important and has meaning 💖
Thank you 🥰
My parents did many, many things wrong.
But one thing I always knew is that I was loved. And I think that made me into a resilient and stable person.
I love my parents so much, and I know they do too. I'm just thankful and proud of myself for refusing to give in to all the fear and guilty i carried on my own all those years. Now I know I deserved more, but I can't judge my parents for what they couldn't do for me. I know they did the best they could and it really wasn't their intention to make me suffer. I'll now fight for that kid who felt so wrong for the wrong reasons.
Literally all of my siblings and I 😢. Addiction and self hatred run deep with us.
You're not alone 😢🤧
when my mom complains about my older brother, i told her if he turned out a certain way, it's because she had a hand in it.... she didn't want to hear any of it. tried to say he decided all that... sure. maybe at some point, but she messed him up since we were little kids, what about during that part? she expected him to just turn out perfectly without having to do anything proactive to steer his path. she's in such deep denial. she doesn't have the emotional skills to think about this stuff without it hurting her weak pride
Yes and what kind of person acts that way? A child, that's who. She has her own hurt.
this is exactly the situation I'm in. I cut off my toxic brother and everyone treats me like the bad guy for it, instead of thinking for themselves and cutting him off too like he deserves because he's just a horrible person. My mom wanted to give me a speech about "do you think any mother wants that? knowing that while she's on her deathbed her kids aren't speaking?" but she doesn't understand that she facilitated his behavior, and when she finally does pass away, that's it. She just gets to shake the dust off her hands and leave, while everyone else deals with the problem that she created through lack of consequences. (and for the record she's nowhere close to dying, she was just being dramatic to try and validate her feelings based on her ideations and emotions while trying to undermine my feelings which are based in facts and reality). She just let my older brother walk all over her and never stopped him from bullying me as kids despite being way bigger and stronger, and so he's carried that into his adult life too, yet somehow I'm a terrible person for standing against this fucked up status quo and doing my best to walk away. I don't even look at my family like family anymore, we're just roommates, and I haven't spoken to my brother in 3 years.
It's a hard knock life, man.
Preach 👐🏽 thank you my friend...
Through this video, the ever lasting feelings of shame and disgust of who I am, fear of losing people because of what a burden I could be, and then of course, the constant anger towards me and the people who I fear will be using / lying / leaving... all of this finally finds a simple way of being explained, comprehended... from the bottom of my weak heart, and the deepest part of my sarcastic soul, I thank you.
@Quasartist
One day I read something: 《 when, at the table with individuals, you are no longer served respect, you have every right to get up and leave the table.》
Hope you're doing well ! I too have decided to quit hoping for safety within family, I'd rather retrieve my sanity through friends, nature and well through self-healing, away from ego and grudge ...
Sincerely hope every person who had a f-up family is doing well. Hope the same thing for all the members of my family too...
i work at school and there was this one boy... he always had to be rude, do wrong and bad things, he laughed in our faces, he didn't care at all if he got punished for his wrong behaviour.
then someone told me that his father is in prison and his mother buys cigarettes rather than make him a snack to school, she did not care about him. he also has two older brothers with different dad.
it clicked to me - how can someone possibly be good to others if the closest and most important people are not there for him and not care about him. poor boy.
he then got transffered to a children's home with school. he got his own room and the staff there were educated on how to treat children who come from socially weak or abusive families. i don't know more, but my colleague called there to chat with him and they said he sounded happy. i hope he's doing fine.
I will always make sure that my baby girl knows she's loved
💔💔💔...this is why care of our children & support of parents to be the best they can be is / should be no. one priority in every society...
Kindness & care is of paramount importance...more important than profit & materialism😢
Oh, my, at nearly 60, I can see my life in a whole new way. Thank you so much. ❤
It takes so much work, but it’s possible to heal! If you’re reading this - I’m proud of you!
Had and still have this feeling all my life but didnt know how to explain it. Thanks for explaining it for me 😢
It gives me hope to see 'I am not alone in this'
through the comment section 🙏
I cant fathom how many people have replied to this shorts.. it is true defination of me as if made for me. I am grateful that i understand its not my problem after years of struggling with guilt and shame and fear although i am still struggling but i am grateful i have come a long way. Although it is hard for me to accept its possible to lose people like them and have a good life but i am determined to make my life like that
“A child who isn’t loved by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”
Many grow up feeling like they're not worth it, like they should never ask for more due to this feeling of lack of worth and shame.
The only way to counter this is to accept deep in your mind that your parents were WRONG. You aren't the lowest on the totem pole, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't deserve any less than anyone else. It's a very tough thing to internalize since it's partially based on tribal instinct of "accepting the minimum is better than being kicked out of the village", but it's so important for you in the long run to realize they were wrong and you do deserve to live a happy normal life just like everyone else.
Well said
Stefan Molyneux used to tell people this for years when he was allowed on youtube and then they banned him :/.
He helped a lot of people.
This is a beautiful reminder. Thank you.
Self compassion is the cure
It’s a very important step but this is too fundamental to be cured by yourself, you need a corrective experience, you need others to consistently break the patterns of how that hurt child in you expects the world and others to operate.
Our self view is a reflection of how others view and treat us. It can be tricky for many to find people that are consistent enough and understand what we need, which is why therapy is so important.
@@Ryalnotch Some of us don't have the luxury of having others. Some of us are too broken to have relationships.
@@christianriddler5063 I swear that’s not true. You’re fundamentally good enough and just as deserving of love as anyone else. Being traumatised doesn’t reduce your value or humanity, it’s not your fault. It is however your responsibility to try to heal, some you can do yourself and some you need others, which you can have.
Could you see a therapist? What’s your main difficulties if you don’t mind me asking?
@@Ryalnotch I speak from experience. I am too different, too broken, no one wants me. I am rejected by my parents, by my sibling, by people in general everywhere. I am hated and despised.
Loneliness is all I know, I don't know what it's like to have a family nor what it's like to be loved by others. This life is suffering and pain.
The only solace I have is in Jesus Christ. He is the only one that doesn't reject me. I can't go to church because I am the only Christian in my entire region and even if there was a church, they would no doubt reject me too.
@@christianriddler5063 different how? In what way do people reject you?
Sometimes being different can make it harder to find your people, but not impossible. The puzzle piece doesn’t necessarily fit where we wished it did, you often have to try different places and turn the piece around many times before you find a fit.
Inside you there’s a puzzle too. When the puzzle is undone it just seems like a chaotic mess, but that’s not inherent to the puzzle, a meaning and a purpose is in there even if it’s impossible to see. With some intentioned work and by starting very simply, over time the purpose and meaning starts to become apparent to us.
Your parents/caretakers had a duty to help you lay your puzzle, they failed in that duty, they might or might not have tried or been well intentioned, but the puzzle is still undone. No matter the case we can only work with what we have. I really recommend therapy if possible, they are professionals at helping you lay that puzzle.
I hope my analogy doesn’t make it more confusing, but bottom line is that you deserve a place you feel like you belong and love. I don’t need to know anything about you to know that.
After realizing that I had indeed been done wrong, I tried several times to point it out to no avail. While my memories can indeed become hazy due to my mental illness, I do remember distinctly the things that have simultaneously hurt me the most and the things I did to hurt others the most.
Regardless, I found that accountability isn't what makes this feeling of shame and resentment go away, but rather the absolute healing power of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't forgetting what was done to oneself, but rather letting go of the pain and not letting it hold you back from feeling love both towards others and yourself. This, in my experience, is the only way forward that doesn't involve destruction of the self and others.
Well said
I still can't forget sitting on the playground alone at recess watching the other kids play. I just sat atop the slide seeing everyone in their groups laughing and playing. It felt like I was so out of place. Mom sent me and my brother to regular school becausemy brother's grades were low. I couldn't do a thing. I was always thrown in the boat with my brother, whether I was involved or not. I did my best in school to get mom's attention, however the better I did the worse and more attention my brother got. It felt like there was really no point. I didn't speak at all outside, for I had been hit and locked in my room for being loud or bothering my mom. I did everything to be the good kid, only to find that in order to be "good" I essentially had to be invisble or a robot of what assumably others' want. I still remember that day at school, looking out at everyone else, then looking to the sky and asking it "why was I born?" I was seven.
I was sent away to a foreign country for a month, to stay with a stranger, who didn’t speak English, only French, when I was 7 years old. My father thought it would be a good way of teaching me French. You know, the “immersion method”. Instead, at the end of the month, I hadn’t learned one word of French, and I didn’t give a damn whether I saw either of my parents ever again. I didn’t like where I was, living with this foreign stranger, but equally I didn’t want to return home either. Seven years old and I was depressed all the time, and I didn’t want to go home.
I'm crying so hard. I know I was shown this by youtube because my phone is listening, legit. But yeah, so spot on and damn it
Us 😢
Love is a Discipline
Not a feeling.
❤
Parenting is serious business, a major life decision made not for one's own benefit and not by mistake!
😊
To everyone who tried so hard and is still trying, your health and well being matter so much more. Those people don’t care if you suffer for their approval. Just take care of yourself, they won’t care about you when you are sick.
I cared so much about others only to find myself alone when I was really sick. Now I at least have someone by my side.
All my life I loved and wanted to be accepted back to my family especially the ones that brought me to this world
I was just thinking of this about kid sis and her kids and tears started rolling down😢. I always feel said whenever i think of her situation. God please bless her and her children Amen
I just got so used to people calling me annoying and in the way i just started feeling like i was a mistake or i was the problem letting being ridicule and always pick on something i need to fix when all.i wanna do is help and make people happy slowly i couldnt even help or make myself happy amd just let my self stew in the grey
I greatly appreciate not mistaking antisocial with asocial. Thank you
That’s why I don’t understand people having 4+ kids. There’s no way you can pay attention to each one like they deserve
I grew up in a house without love, and I never thought what's wrong with me. I saw my mother as a hateful person who was nothing more than a disgruntled babysitter, I had aunts who showed me love I still ran wild and stayed away from home as much as I could
So sad and true😔, always remember to make your kids feel loved and heard, even if they cant get their way they werent ignored. The biggest form of contempt is to not acknowledge.
I was over-loved and over-protected as a child. The shielding has led to secrecy and lies and mistrust. I'm now an adult who's stuck feeling at least a decade my junior because my parents did everything for me and held me back to keep me from the possibility of getting hurt. It's a nightmare. Too much or too little is never a good thing.
my parents put all their unrealistic pressures and inexperience on my older brother and me. and while they still weren't perfect, they were much less demanding on our younger siblings - while they all spectated on our fights and put all the scrutiny on the two of us - and wonder why the two older ones are so ungrateful and messed up
yeah, it's always the parents' fault
@@muma6559unless u have a brain anomaly, a war, some strong other forces between 0-4, yes generally.
Their other kids turned out fine which does strongly suggest either a force which wasn’t present when they were raised, or it took two failures to figure out how not to damage a psyche beyond reasonable societal success.
A lot of parents joke about how much they screwed up their first, and as a result they paid them more, why is this a new concept to you
@@namedrop721 yeah, that's how you make narcissists, deprive them, screw them up and then give them more, spoil them. Abuse all around.
100%
@@muma6559 Evil narcissist detected.
i have realized for a long time that it wasn't my fault - a clueless kid who wasn't taught better - but it was their inexperience and the poor parenting they themselves received.... but it doesn't buy that time back, the lost potential.... all wasted
I know the feeling regarding lost potential. I have 126 IQ, a talent for music and strategy.
But I was completely neglected through out my entire childhood and teenage years. No one ever took an interest in me, no one was there for me ever.
I became a social outcast, never learned how to behave in a social setting, was never taught how to carry conversations or anything of the like. Failed in school, not because I couldn't do it but because I was too busy surviving and too depressed to care.
Now I can't build relationships, I can't connect with anyone and I am so lonely that it's breaking my heart. Been in pain for so long that I've become numb, now I feel almost nothing anymore.
126 IQ, talent, all thrown into the sea.
I'll give life a few more years and then.. Yeah...
At least I have Jesus Christ, only a miracle could help me at this point. Anything else just wouldn't be enough to pull me out of the abyss.
@@christianriddler5063 bro, don't lose hope
your story sounds a lot like mine. i'm asian and have always had a great eye for art - i grew up drawing comic book characters and with the right encouragement, i honestly think i could've gone very far with it. i see other working artists' work and i think that frankly i could do better than a lot of them - yet i lack the self-belief to go after it. of course, my parents had no interest in or understanding of american culture. i basically learned english from watching tv. my parents have no idea what the foundational skills are and they'd rather just revert to living the lifestyle of the old country
my mom has a way of saying little things that she thinks is helping, but it's honestly so very disheartening (it's ok you don't have to go for that. it's too hard, anyway. just do something simple, etc etc but you can tell she's glad i'm not getting to a level she can no longer grasp smh top tier parenting. her subtle selfishness is poison to me)
my dad was obsessed with getting titles and degrees - must get a doctorate; if not, then a master's; if not, then a bachelor's. but he had absolutely no idea what that entails, and didn't know the first thing about even applying or funding it. he wants the prestige of such titles, but doesn't understand the transformation that would take place when you are edumacated. actually, the only thing my dad cared for was for me to follow in his footsteps as a baptist minister. sure, to do the lord's work, but also just for his own secret pride to be recognized as an important figure. and with a better role model, i probably would've done it happily. but growing up and seeing the constant hypocrisy, fatal character flaws, and oppression... it really turned me off from religion for a long time. and i never wanted to give him the satisfaction
i don't know what my actual iq is, but i put myself through college in my late 20s by joining the national guard. my mother, being the discourager she is, was against it. i made straight As, whether it was science, math, economy, finance, statistics, english, lit, philosophy. i made As in all of them. i had enough aptitude that i could've pursued any of those fields if i had the self-confidence to really go after my dreams.... but i just don't have much belief that anything good will happen for some reason. after all that noise, my dad didn't even come to my graduation - whatever he had going on was more important than his own son's graduation. he also skipped out on one of my sister's wedding out - tells you what kind of father he is. he wants all of the family benefits - actually he just wants praise from other people - he doesn't actually know or care about what being a family actually is
of course, with all the insecurity and self-loathing, it's cost me a lot socially and it's really cost me the most in romantic relationships. i won't bore you with the details. i'm just glad i have a small handful of core friends i am blessed enough to have throughout my life
recently, i started learning music and i think i have a pretty good ear for music that even if i never went super far, it could've enriched a big portion of my life if i had parents who cared to encourage and support me while i explored all those avenues during my formative years..... i still think i could be a pretty good songwriter someday
anyway, it's all just a lot of griping. no matter how bad it is, it could've been a lot worse. eventually, we all have to take responsibility for what someone else should've handled. i don't know your stance on it, but psilocybin has been helpful for my spiritual journey and i feel like i understand how life, the world, and humanity balances against the forces of eternity much better than ever before
one book i found extremely helpful has been "don't believe everything that you think" by joseph nguyen - it's a lot more helpful than channels like this that encourages a lot of commiserating (though, i admit i do partake in it - but since reading that book, i'm beginning to refrain)
@@christianriddler5063 bro, don't lose hope
your story sounds a lot like mine. i'm asian and have always had a great eye for art - i grew up drawing comic book characters and with the right encouragement, i honestly think i could've gone very far with it. i see other working artists' work and i think that frankly i could do better than a lot of them - yet i lack the self-belief to go after it. of course, my parents had no interest in or understanding of american culture. i basically learned english from watching tv. my parents have no idea what the foundational skills are and they'd rather just revert to living the lifestyle of the old country
my mom has a way of saying little things that she thinks is helping, but it's honestly so very disheartening (it's ok you don't have to go for that. it's too hard, anyway. just do something simple, etc etc but you can tell she's glad i'm not getting to a level she can no longer grasp smh top tier parenting. her subtle selfishness is poison to me)
my dad was obsessed with getting titles and degrees - must get a doctorate; if not, then a master's; if not, then a bachelor's. but he had absolutely no idea what that entails, and didn't know the first thing about even applying or funding it. he wants the prestige of such titles, but doesn't understand the transformation that would take place when you are edumacated. actually, the only thing my dad cared for was for me to follow in his footsteps as a baptist minister. sure, to do the lord's work, but also just for his own secret pride to be recognized as an important figure. and with a better role model, i probably would've done it happily. but growing up and seeing the constant hypocrisy, fatal character flaws, and oppression... it really turned me off from religion for a long time. and i never wanted to give him the satisfaction
i don't know what my actual iq is, but i put myself through college in my late 20s by joining the national guard. my mother, being the discourager she is, was against it. i made straight As, whether it was science, math, economy, finance, statistics, english, lit, philosophy. i made As in all of them. i had enough aptitude that i could've pursued any of those fields if i had the self-confidence to really go after my dreams.... but i just don't have much belief that anything good will happen for some reason. after all that noise, my dad didn't even come to my graduation - whatever he had going on was more important than his own son's graduation. he also skipped out on one of my sister's wedding out - tells you what kind of father he is. he wants all of the family benefits - actually he just wants praise from other people - he doesn't actually know or care about what being a family actually is
of course, with all the insecurity and self-loathing, it's cost me a lot socially and it's really cost me the most in romantic relationships. i won't bore you with the details. i'm just glad i have a small handful of core friends i am blessed enough to have throughout my life
recently, i started learning music and i think i have a pretty good ear for music that even if i never went super far, it could've enriched a big portion of my life if i had parents who cared to encourage and support me while i explored all those avenues during my formative years..... i still think i could be a pretty good songwriter someday
anyway, it's all just a lot of griping. no matter how bad it is, it could've been a lot worse. eventually, we all have to take responsibility for what someone else should've handled. i don't know your stance on it, but psilocybin has been helpful for my spiritual journey and i feel like i understand how life, the world, and humanity balances against the forces of eternity much better than ever before
one book i found extremely helpful has been "don't believe everything that you think" by joseph nguyen - it's a lot more helpful than channels like this that encourages a lot of commiserating (though, i admit i do partake in it - but since reading that book, i'm beginning to refrain)
@@christianriddler5063 bro, don't lose hope
your story sounds a lot like mine. i'm asian and have always had a great eye for art - i grew up drawing comic book characters and with the right encouragement, i honestly think i could've gone very far with it. i see other working artists' work and i think that frankly i could do better than a lot of them - yet i lack the self-belief to go after it. of course, my parents had no interest in or understanding of american culture. i basically learned english from watching tv. my parents have no idea what the foundational skills are and they'd rather just revert to living the lifestyle of the old country
my mom has a way of saying little things that she thinks is helping, but it's honestly so very disheartening (it's ok you don't have to go for that. it's too hard, anyway. just do something simple, etc etc but you can tell she's glad i'm not getting to a level she can no longer grasp smh top tier parenting. her subtle selfishness is poison to me)
my dad was obsessed with getting titles and degrees - must get a doctorate; if not, then a master's; if not, then a bachelor's. but he had absolutely no idea what that entails, and didn't know the first thing about even applying or funding it. he wants the prestige of such titles, but doesn't understand the transformation that would take place when you are edumacated. actually, the only thing my dad cared for was for me to follow in his footsteps as a baptist minister. sure, to do the lord's work, but also just for his own secret pride to be recognized as an important figure. and with a better role model, i probably would've done it happily. but growing up and seeing the constant hypocrisy, fatal character flaws, and oppression... it really turned me off from religion for a long time. and i never wanted to give him the satisfaction
i don't know what my actual iq is, but i put myself through college in my late 20s by joining the national guard. my mother, being the discourager she is, was against it. i made straight As, whether it was science, math, economy, finance, statistics, english, lit, philosophy. i made As in all of them. i had enough aptitude that i could've pursued any of those fields if i had the self-confidence to really go after my dreams.... but i just don't have much belief that anything good will happen for some reason. after all that noise, my dad didn't even come to my graduation - whatever he had going on was more important than his own son's graduation. he also skipped out on one of my sister's wedding out - tells you what kind of father he is. he wants all of the family benefits - actually he just wants praise from other people - he doesn't actually know or care about what being a family actually is
of course, with all the insecurity and self-loathing, it's cost me a lot socially and it's really cost me the most in romantic relationships. i won't bore you with the details. i'm just glad i have a small handful of core friends i am blessed enough to have throughout my life
recently, i started learning music and i think i have a pretty good ear for music that even if i never went super far, it could've enriched a big portion of my life if i had parents who cared to encourage and support me while i explored all those avenues during my formative years..... i still think i could be a pretty good songwriter someday
anyway, it's all just a lot of griping. no matter how bad it is, it could've been a lot worse. eventually, we all have to take responsibility for what someone else should've handled. i don't know your stance on it, but psilocybin has been helpful for my spiritual journey and i feel like i understand how life, the world, and humanity balances against the forces of eternity much better than ever before
one book i found extremely helpful has been "don't believe everything that you think" by joseph nguyen - it's a lot more helpful than channels like this that encourages a lot of commiserating (though, i admit i do partake in it - but since reading that book, i'm beginning to refrain)
@@christianriddler5063 bro, don't lose hope
your story sounds a lot like mine. i'm asian and have always had a great eye for art - i grew up drawing comic book characters and with the right encouragement, i honestly think i could've gone very far with it. i see other working artists' work and i think that frankly i could do better than a lot of them - yet i lack the self-belief to go after it. of course, my parents had no interest in or understanding of american culture. i basically learned english from watching tv. my parents have no idea what the foundational skills are and they'd rather just revert to living the lifestyle of the old country
my mom has a way of saying little things that she thinks is helping, but it's honestly so very disheartening (it's ok you don't have to go for that. it's too hard, anyway. just do something simple, etc etc but you can tell she's glad i'm not getting to a level she can no longer grasp smh top tier parenting. her subtle selfishness is poison to me)
my dad was obsessed with getting titles and degrees - must get a doctorate; if not, then a master's; if not, then a bachelor's. but he had absolutely no idea what that entails, and didn't know the first thing about even applying or funding it. he wants the prestige of such titles, but doesn't understand the transformation that would take place when you are edumacated. actually, the only thing my dad cared for was for me to follow in his footsteps as a baptist minister. sure, to do the lord's work, but also just for his own secret pride to be recognized as an important figure. and with a better role model, i probably would've done it happily. but growing up and seeing the constant hypocrisy, fatal character flaws, and oppression... it really turned me off from religion for a long time. and i never wanted to give him the satisfaction
i don't know what my actual iq is, but i put myself through college in my late 20s by joining the national guard. my mother, being the discourager she is, was against it. i made straight As, whether it was science, math, economy, finance, statistics, english, lit, philosophy. i made As in all of them. i had enough aptitude that i could've pursued any of those fields if i had the self-confidence to really go after my dreams.... but i just don't have much belief that anything good will happen for some reason. after all that noise, my dad didn't even come to my graduation - whatever he had going on was more important than his own son's graduation. he also skipped out on one of my sister's wedding out - tells you what kind of father he is. he wants all of the family benefits - actually he just wants praise from other people - he doesn't actually know or care about what being a family actually is
of course, with all the insecurity and self-loathing, it's cost me a lot socially and it's really cost me the most in romantic relationships. i won't bore you with the details. i'm just glad i have a small handful of core friends i am blessed enough to have throughout my life
recently, i started learning music and i think i have a pretty good ear for music that even if i never went super far, it could've enriched a big portion of my life if i had parents who cared to encourage and support me while i explored all those avenues during my formative years..... i still think i could be a pretty good songwriter someday
anyway, it's all just a lot of griping. no matter how bad it is, it could've been a lot worse. eventually, we all have to take responsibility for what someone else should've handled. i don't know your stance on it, but mushrooms has been helpful for my spiritual journey and i feel like i understand how life, the world, and humanity balances against the forces of eternity much better than ever before
one book i found extremely helpful has been "don't believe everything that you think" by joseph nguyen - it's a lot more helpful than channels like this that encourages a lot of commiserating (though, i admit i do partake in it - but since reading that book, i'm beginning to refrain)
This describes me too well. I was happy for the few years of my life when I worked hard and did well in school.
Now I hate myself and blame myself for everything when it’s not my fault. I cope by internalizing everything. I hate what I’ve become.
This is a fantastic breakdown. Thank you for the insight.