One thing that I notice is that I tend to feel more comfortable in groups where I am somehow markedly different from everyone. For example, being around people much older than me or much younger than me. Or being around people from a different culture. I think the reason for this is because it's already obvious that I am different, so any "strange" behavior is just associated to that. But when I am around people "like me", then I feel uncomfortable and left out because it feels like there is an expectation for me to think and behave like everyone in the group. If I do anything out of the ordinary, then it's much more noticeable and looked at as strange. I'm learning to feel more okay with feeling like an outsider everywhere I go and trying to acknowledge and remind myself that it actually has some benefit for me. I'd rather be welcomed in as a outsider than welcomed in as "one of the group" and then have to live up to the standards of behaving like everyone else in the group.
I have definitely experienced this and gravitated towards it! I'm kind of notorious in my family for having friends who are decades, older or younger than me. I was one of two white kids who attended my high school and I had such a positive experience with my classmates in comparison to previous schools that were less diverse. Nobody was being covert and passive aggressive because I was "weird". I got teased for my nerdy white girl's interests a bit, but It wasn't mean, and that kind of lite teasing was pretty universal in that school. I never felt actually judged or like I was missing something. I'm a woman who works in a male dominated group setting and it is so much easier for me in some ways than a female dominated setting. This is *not* a pick me thing. I *swear* *to* *God* . I don't care about male attention. Women just tend to expect things from me socially that I don't know about or have a hard time with. Men just tend to assume that I'm different because I'm a woman.
I feel this so much, and this is kinda what makes me leery about engaging with irl and/or online autistic communities, fair or not, especially those centered around a common interest. Just because we're all autistic doesn't mean we are all reflexively understanding and charitable towards one another, or that there wouldn't be an element of groupthink. Perhaps the fact that we all have autism in common would create expectations Edited because I left out the word "online"lol
@@calebivey1776for real though! Me personally, I think this is why I lurk in and sniff around so many groups/communities but rarely immerse myself in the actual "community" aspect
yes, it is easier to get along with people i'm not competing with as much too. It seems that's what it comes down to, 5:41 the more you are around people that are stereotypically "like you" the more social pressure and competition is there. When i do smth weird, people non in my in group can just say "oh that must be how white people are." lol it's like i experience more prejudice from straight white men than anyone else, when that should be the group I vibe with the most.
I just cried through this video😭😭😭I'm 45 with zero friends, and have a history of having only bullies as friends too. My new therapist is going to try and connect me with an autistic community. Thank you for making these videos- they make me not feel so alone! ❤❤❤
oh, i'm sorry to hear that. it really moves me. i am also in my 40s and went through hell undiagnosed and being treated terribly by neurotypicals. i'm trying to meet others like me too. you are absolutely not alone, and i hope you make some great friends. best wishes.
You’re a sweetie pie. Your honestly will help many other people. You are so insightful. You would be a wonderful teacher or counselor for Autistic youth. My niece has Autism and she struggles and your struggles are so similar. Thank you. Good luck. You deserve it all.
You don’t need to take a spotlight or anything to stand out as a great person. If you do your thing. In the background, at your own pace, you will be great, your way.
Pretty sure my best friend is also autistic, and honestly, I’ve never had a friend like her before. We can just be ourselves and I don’t mask at all. She feels like a sister, and really the only friend I’ve ever been able to say that about and we’re 29!! We just became friends only a couple years ago. You will find your people or your person, I promise. We aren’t broken. She’s just like me, sometimes we don’t talk for 2 weeks, it doesn’t mean anything to our friendship! We just get it. ❤️
I am the same I only had one best friend. We were friends for 34 years until she died at 45 years old. No one can ever replace her. Cherish the one you have 😊
This describes my friendships or lack there of 100%. I have lived almost 59 years without what I would describe as a best friend. It has been a lifelong struggle. Every time I think I’m making a friend either I push too hard and chase the person away or they push me away. Meeting people is impossible when you don’t want to go to the usual social things such as bars or parties. Recently I have started volunteering but even then I am the outsider of the group and find just interacting difficult. Morgan, you have once again described what being autistic is like so well! Thanks! Keep making content on UA-cam!
Really? I feel like because of societal standards it's way more manipulative now because people have practiced. A boss can be cleverly sociable but abusive to employees and even their management behaves the same so it's completely acceptable for their workplace and even HR won't mind telling someone that if they're sick this year they should know in advance, request that time and if denied they're not allowed to call out. It's scary what the world is like
@@tbcstuff3634 sad but true... Pretty scary. I think being neurodivergent makes it easier to pick up when someone is not actually a nice person. Or past experiences, other both lol. But sure seems like once you can tell, they notice the manipulative behavior isn't working on you and it's like an excuse for them to display abusive behavior when others who wouldn't approve aren't present
...The manipulation can be more sophisticated with the more experienced abusers as well as those with more formal education. They are no more harder to spot however so long as you use ur eyes and remember 'actions speak louder than words'...👀
I read somewhere once that friendships are like bunches of flowers, all the tulips together, all the daisies together and people with autism are the bees visiting them all, taking time to enjoy them but having to bumble around to the next one. That idea has stuck with me and feels comforting... i don't know if it is but it feels it.
I never comment under youtube comments, but this one really gave me happiness. I am autistic and my name means "bee" and thats all I did in my life... getting to know "friends", nurturing and enjoying them, until they no longer needed my bee-nurturing and left me / I left them and moved to the next flower / friendship. I always took it so personal that I coud never keep friends, that I would care for them but had to move on over and over again. flying to the next friends. I would rather "keep" friends. but this comment makes me realize, maybe I have to be a bee and see friends as flowers lol thank you for that realization :-)
@@marvala4508 when I heard it I had a little cry because it was too real to my life experience. Hasn't made letting people go easier but it changes the way I think back on it. Glad the perspective got to you xxx
I've been working for 3 months now and I still haven't made any friends at the workplace because I DON'T like talking! I'm always in my lil' corner working alone listening to music on my headphones at all times. If I socialize and try to interact with people then my mask activates creating this struggle to form sentences while doing eyecontact. It's very draining to the point of me collapsing at home after my shift is over (and partially on the busride home makign me miss my bus stop on multiple occasions). I value my free time and if I have to form social connections then I sacrifice my free time for sleep. It sucks. I'm glad I'm working in an environment that accomodates for me at the cost of working under minimum wage. Ngl growing up with internet was the saving grace for me when it comes to my friendships that I still have. It eliminates most of my problems with talking to people and I'm so very thankful for it.
I'm in you shoes but it's been way longer for me at almost 2 years. I would recommend pushing yoursellf to socialize even in small ways, because after a while, I feel like I am not making any personal progress and nobody here cares about me
This sounds like a trauma response, like you’re dissociating. When do you first remember “having a mask activate” while talking to people? If it was a traumatic moment, this could explain the extreme fear response: your brain is trying to protect you from perceived danger. Either way I highly recommend hypnotherapy.
I’m on the other end of that time arc. The internet didn’t exist until almost middle age for me, but now in my 60s I am grateful for it in the same way.
In my 40s now. You hit some really key points that I absolutely identify with. Particularly, bullies, and not being able to/wanting to maintain friendships from a distance. So interesting! At this point, I really work on building a sense of contentment and enjoyment of being alone. I embrace the power of parasocial relationships. I join in with book clubs and volunteer opportunities, but I don't put any pressure on trying to turn acquaintances into close friends anymore. It's enough that we enjoy each other's company at scheduled activities. I consider my "third places" as social outlets, even if I don't talk to anyone there. (Cafe, library, gym) If being an "outsider" is my destiny as an autistic person, then I'm going to embrace that status and enjoy it... and I do. Funnily enough, I've always loved stories and movies about castaways and mountain men - people out there on their own, just surviving and maybe even thriving. It's not always easy, but the alternative is making myself miserable trying to "fit in" and I just don't have the energy for that anymore.
Yes, I almost don't want to try to make friends because it was so traumatic for so long. But I do enjoy being alone and have absolutely embraced the parasocial. Every day I took my kids to preschool and couldn't make friends I used to cry, every Sunday I couldn't break through the surface chit-chat, every time I saw people everywhere getting closer and shutting me out, that was the worst. I'm not 100% sure why I can't do it (nor can I afford to find out), but I can't, and I have kids so I can't risk the mental health implications of trying any more. I do like my kids, and 2 of them are like me, which is hard for them.
OMG THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I'VE BEEN FEELING LATELY!!!!! Towards the end when u talk about not liking to socialize but needing it so badly and how draining it is, I get that soooooooooo much and one of my friends just doesn't get it. I have an autistic friend and a non autistic friend and I definitely relate and get along with and argue less with my autistic friend. But I hate socializing, because like u, if ur close to me I also can be easily manipulated and gaslighted, like I realized that my own mom has been manipulating me for years but I still fall for it every time, like I know she's doing it, but somehow I still fall for it. I also don't like socializing, it is really draining, even in therapy, like I'll get back from therapy and be so drained and just lay in my bed and not want to get out for at least a few weeks. And like I want more friends, but I don't know how to get them and don't want to put in the work to get them, but I do want them.
Also very relatable to me. I do want to meet new people. I have three close friends and judging by the comment section, that’s way above average. The thing is, when moving into a new environment, I have no one. Two of my friends, I knew from high school. I graduated high school last year. Tried uni last year and got drained from planning and failed attempts at socialising and relating to people. And I want to have someone who can be a steady friend for me in a new environment, but I don’t know how to chase after that. All of my friends either initiated contact themselves, or were paired with me by a teacher. I just don’t approach people. That goes so far against my own nature. I can only get social energy from being with friends, maybe close family, in a familiar space. Otherwise I will get drained. As for psychologist and coaching appointments, I do get drained near the tail end of them. And when I get home, I do not have the energy to talk about them right away. I need recharge time.
@@jarmoliebrand2005 I can also relate to most of that. All my friends are online and I also get drained from therapy or something simple like shopping.
When you mentioned how it's hard to tell whether your friends are your friends or bullies, it reminded me of my childhood-teenage friends. There was a guy in our group of friends, and he would always get teased. I would always say something because I didn't like how they would bully him. But they were always joking. One day, one of them said to me "Ximo (this guy that they teased) is sick of you protecting him whenever we tease him. He thinks you're in love with him and said you're disgusting." So there's a lot to unpack there. I never had any romantic feelings towards him, I just had difficulties registering the teasing as sarcasm, and would always say things like, come on, guys, stop saying that, or, don't listen to them. It's also the fact that my friend told me this to hurt me. He always did homophobic sh*t (I'm transgender male to female and bisexual, at the time I wasn't out as either, but everyone could tell I was queer) to me, and when I'd confront him about it, he mentioned his gay uncles... Also: this very same friend was my childhood best friend. Up until first year of secondary, he was my best friend throughout most of primary. When we started secondary, he started to completely ignore my existence. He then became the leader of the friend group, and would always find ways (like what I wrote earlier) to make me feel upset. In one class he pretended like he wanted to kiss me in front of the entire class, just to laugh at me and ridicule me. I learned of how they had a WhatsApp group where everyone was in except for me. I think it's for two reasons: as you mentioned, I must have been for them a "surface level friend", because no one in the group had thought of inviting me, which hurt a lot, because I considered all of them to be my friends. But it was also because this guy was intentionally leaving me out. I then told one friend to ask to let me in, which I hated to do, because I didn't want to "beg" them to join their group from which they had already excluded me. We were 17-18 at the time as well, like how childish can they be. So this guy said they should vote on it. Everyone said yes, to let me in. But this guy said no. And since he had this weird dynamic over everyone, I ended up not being added. After that I decided not to hang out with them ever, to cut them from my life, because I had other friends that I had healthy relationships with. Then last year I met with them and when this toxic guy showed up, I felt this terrible pain in my chest. He gives me terrible anxiety. And then while we were texting one day, he suddenly said he "apologises in case he had at some point not been able to empathise with me", which is the closest I will ever get to getting an actual apology from him, since that was not one. But these issues really create trauma, other than being autistic and it making it hard to navigate through relationships, there's also these people who like to complicate things. I'm quite sociable and love making friends, but I can definitely tell how my autism impacts this part of my life. Learning more about it helps, so thank you for creating this video ❤
I’m so happy when your videos get posted. I’m way older than you, and sadly most neurotypical women become quite cliquish and keep to their usual circle of friends when they get older… and the subject always comes up about why I’m my age and yet have no friends. That alone ends it right there. The last time I tried to be friends with someone we were in her car and she said… “It’s a good thing we’re not roommates, because I’d smother you in your sleep.” So, it’s good that my special interest involves animals, primarily wildlife.
Dang how could anyone be mean to you? You're the sweetest girl! You are not alone. Idk what a healthy friendship is yet either. Hopefully nobody else bullies you. I don't like when people bully each other and are mean to each other.
In my own experience, the nicest people are low hanging fruit for bullies. They don't like push back. I've seen it happen and I've been the victim of it myself. And, at least until we get older and wiser, we aren't very good at defending ourselves. I don't know if we go along with it because of a desire to belong, but it definitely starts as not realizing we're being bullied, at least for some of us. Maybe it is a sunk cost fallacy. I've definitely associated with people who bullied me longer than I should have, for whatever reason.
@WaterMan416 yes, the thing about bullying is it is mostly reflective of the issues of the bullies. Who gets picked on has mostly to do with who is perceived as vulnerable or as being an “other.” The most heartbreaking thing is that so many people who are bullied internalize it as a sign of deficiencies in themselves, and that really isn’t the reason for it. I got very into Robert Sapolsky, who taught a course on Human Behavioral Biology, and also studied baboons in the wild for many years. He describes the tendencies primates (including humans) have toward tribal behavior. A tribal outlook involves two things: establishing a hierarchy within your tribe (who outranks who), and also an awareness of who is in your tribe...and who isn’t. Not all humans focus on these traits- autistic people tend to be nonhierarchical, and I don’t think it’s just because we often aren’t socially successful, it’s more that hierarchy doesn’t resonate or make sense to many of us. We do want to be liked and be part of something, but generally not in a competitive way. The good news: Sapolsky states that, in fact, the happiest members of a baboon tribe are not the high ranking individuals - their lives are actually very stressful, because they must constantly defend their rank, and will eventually lose it. The least stressed individuals are actually the ones who have no rank, and rather than striving to achieve it, keep a low profile and develop relationships with others who fall below the radar. They can live a far more peaceful and supported life. That strikes me as what a lot of autistic people end up doing, and it’s validating to think this is in fact a winning strategy.
Kind of similar experience here, but I don't feel it like an actual friendship, more so that they just tolerate me whilst they have to, but I cease to exist outside of that context. Like maybe they're getting married and I wasn't invited, or everyone got together to go lunch outside and I was left alone
Knowing where you struggle and thinking you have limitations to be a good best friend is so insightful. However, on the flipside, a good best friend accepts you for who you are, and since you see that in yourself, you would probably be very accepting of someone else who has the same struggles. No friendship whether neurodivergent or not, is void of miscommunications, misunderstandings, hardships, inequalities etc.
In my senior year the group of friends I thought I was close with wrote really short sentences in my yearbook. When they graduated (the other 3 in the group were younger than me) I found out they all wrote really long paragraphs in eachothers yearbooks instead of mine. It was a heart wrenching moment because I thought I finally found a group of friends.
I'm super late diagnosed woman at age 50, and really relate to this!! Especially the part about being easily manipulated. People look at you like you're crazy, because you "should be able to tell by now", since you're so "old", and should've known better. Yes, I've learned a Lot about manipulation, so I know when it's happening, but it STILL gets me. However, I recently met 2 other ND in a special interest group, so that gave me hope❤ I also literally speak it out into the energetic universe on a regular basis, on what I want/need to have in friends, and the manifestation of that was almost instant. Ask, and you WILL receive. Thank you SO much for your work here...it feels really good to be so validated ❤❤❤🥂💃
yea friendships are difficult, i basically have one friend, and even that friendship is not what people would normally call a friendship. we chat on the internet mostly, sometimes go for weeks or months without talking, saw him the other day for the first time in years, i have had close relationships with people but its not always the case and as stated often times it can be problematic if their intentions arent 100% good
Your videos are brilliant, thank you for making such helpful and honest content. My best friend is autistic, and everything you say always resonates with what they tell me and how they are, and your content really helps me to try to be the best friend I can for them like they are for me
I love "Muppet's Christmas Carol". It's my favorite Christmas Carol and my favorite Muppets. But there is one line that has always been a sore spot for me. At the end (spoilers), during the "yay, Scrooge is good now" song, there's the line: "And if you want to know, the measure of a man, you simply count his friends." Growing up as a kid with pretty much no friends, that hurt. Heck, as an adult with pretty much no friends, it still stings a bit.
...but but but - some people have a lot of friends, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're good people. (Cult leaders for example) This is a false narrative and I think you're safe to let it go. Catchy idea for the end of a show, but not a way to measure the value of a human being. In d&d the characters are assigned values: strength, dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom, charisma. A character can score low in charisma, but high in other things and that's ok - even important to round out a d&d adventuring party. Anyway, alls I'm trying to say is, if we autistics are low in charisma, we make up for it with our intelligence and wisdom (special interests!) We're often highly compassionate and helpful people as well.
Hi Morgan! Thank you so much for sharing! I don’t think I’ve ever felt so seen and understood. This is exactly how I’ve felt my entire life. I’m 24 years old with exactly zero friends and it’s so hard! I’m not diagnosed but pretty positive I have autism based on things I’ve heard and experienced and other diagnoses, and trying to figure how to be diagnosed is so difficult. I started watching you through shorts and you have helped me understand my self so much more.
Life is hard enough without being technically on the spectrum. I can barely imagine how much harder it is when you are. You do an excellent job giving me an idea though. You are a good person and you're smart and interesting and beautiful and so self aware. You deserve some really good close friends and I believe you will find some because I know they're out there.
I relate to so much of this. Fortunately I have friends I see regularly because of work, but I struggle to make those friendships deeper, especially when socializing takes so much energy.
I have this friend that I met on October, and ever since, I have grown more fond of him. I feel like I've fallen in love with him, but I also feel like it wouldn't work out, so I won't tell him what I feel for him. But what amazes me is that I haven't experienced any romantic feelings since 2018 right up until a few weeks ago. After episodes of insomnia and depression, as well as having several autistic meltdowns on a daily basis, I felt like I had completely lost myself. But this person has made me happier and more confident, and so have other friends. I'm so grateful, I feel like they have helped me in recovering pieces of myself that I had lost. I grew up in a very toxic friend group. I thought I would always be destined to be alone, have short-lasted friendships and slowly lose everyone in my life. I feel like for most allistic people, maintaining a friendship is something that's automatic. For me it's excruciatingly hard. I overthink everything or I'm completely oblivious about things. I am a very passionate person towards the people I love and I don't want to lose them. I don't want to lose the happiness it brings me to be with those people. So whatever happens with this new friend, I really hope we stay in each others' lives.
Dang same here!! Every time Ive had feelings for someone after a while knowing them, i go into overload and I just know that I love them. Having never confessed to any of them cos I'm deeply socially awkward, I've realised in the end they were never meant to be. Too many differences, they changed who they were for someone else, or they've just disappeared from my life. Actually the last guy something did actually happen but luckily it didn't last long for 'reasons' but he was a jerk anyway so just as well. I'm more worried about the capacity to make friends so it'll be impossible to make a romantic relationship last, let alone find a guy in the first place 😅 I'm 28.
I’m not sure this means you should tell them - but I felt this way about one of my friends and a few years in I finally told them. They just told me straight up that they didn’t feel the same way, but that I’m a great person and that they know someday I’ll find someone. We are still really good friends now, she is probably my best friend. I think not a lot of people would have this type of response though, and it can still be hard sometimes for me to remember that we won’t be together.
@@sammumoo8186 That’s quite a journey! Glad you were able to tell him at least, I know not doing so weighed on me quite a bit. You made it through and hopefully one of them down the line will work out!
Aw Morgan, friendships can be really hard for many people, though obviously with autism there can be some different/additional challenges. Young girls can be notoriously socially mean and act this out in covert ways pretty often. NT people typically have at least some sense of whether there is rapport with a person (though often men misinterpret kindness for romantic/sexual interest - they tend to overestimate how interested a woman is). If there is a feeling of rapport, we might take steps to move the friendship forward, by inviting the person to do an activity or talk again. If one does not have a sense of rapport, or as much ability to read eye contact, etc., then you probably have to rely on verbal cues more. I would say it can be important to listen for things people have "bigger" feelings about - for example, if someone is worried about an upcoming job interview, or excited about a trip, or just feeling tired because they have a lot going on, just noting that, and following up with a text to check in can be really nice. For example, I might take the time to text "Good luck on your job interview today!!" or "Hey, I remembered you were going on that trip for the weekend, was it fun?" Even if we don't become friends, it is a kind thing to do, and it can also be a little step to show care which can build a friendship by keeping the communication open over time.
5:30 This section broke my whole heart man.. The worst part is when you actually start to buy into it being your fault somehow😔 I don't have friends rn outside of my bf who is extremely straightforward + says exactly what he thinks/feels. I think its why i instantly felt safe around him; he never says anything in order for me to like him. Even if it may hurt my feelings in the moment, he is never rude, but knows how important his transparency is to me, bc adhd/autism + history of being used in girl circles 😮💨 P.s. SO extremely proud of you for the self love you show in yourself by realizing your worth by waiting for people who love you for you, exactly the way you are, being Morgan♡
Thank you for being open about this. I know it was hard for you. This 100% describes the struggles I've had my entire life. Recently I've tried explaining to my closer friends my struggles with making friends, but I've never really been able to get my point across. They see that I'm social and have people to hang out with at times, and so think these are true friends. The truth is that I'm masking so highly, and holding myself back, so I never really get close with people, despite wanting to. It doesn't help that if I unmask, people usually run
Damn you really got me with the "I'm easily manipulated if you're close to me, bc I believe you"... I low key realized that last week and now that you describe it, it hits.
i'm autistic and i choose not to make friends in real life and i am single by choice. i just cannot trust anyone,i always assume people are out to do me harm. it seems like whatever friends i did have have died, went to prison or they have turned against me.i stopped trying to find in years ago. i just be myself i'm not changing for anyone
When I realized my mom and sister weren’t being good friends to me and told them they started treating me even worse. Now I don’t talk to them and they were my only friends. P.s. the two different paint swatches remaining on your wall is oddly comforting
@@judas611 I am focusing on what I have around me and enjoying those things instead. It’s hard to always remain focused on the good and not dwelling but I’ve been admittedly happier. Thanks for asking!
I have autism and I'd love to be your friend 💕 I relate to most everything you said , its so hard for me to make friends, my thing is making work friends into real friends, I always misread people 😢
I can count on one hand (not including the thumb) the number of friends I had in my younger years, before age 24. I feel more comfortable around groups of younger adults (early 20s) and the much older group (my parents age and older). I certainly don't feel comfortable around people in my age bracket.
Thank You for sharing this. My 10 yr old autistic daughter is massively struggling with friendships. I’m going to show her she’s not alone. You’re so brave xx
You just explained most of how i felt growing up in a single video.... love your content. You are helping someone that is slowly discovering that he might be autistic, and for that I thank you!
The part about a group where everyone is closer with each other and you're just there resonated so much with me. I recently had a person tell me "you don't consider us your friends", and it felt weird. Because I don't consider them "not my friends", but it made me realize they think I do. So it explains the whole experience of me being comfortable with them, since all relations are surface level / casual at that point, then starting to feel left out because I don't develop deeper connections with them, and that snowballing into not being considered when making plans. But then they'll say they're happy I could join them for some plan, and I feel I'm just sent to the starting line again, only to repeat the loop. Love your videos. I don't think I'm necessarily autistic (although there's some neurodivergence definitely going on in here), and they help me see some of my experiences through a different lens and put it into words. I'm all here for your autistic confessions!
oh yes i felt a lot of this, i thankfully dont have much experience with socialization burnout (as least as i know of) but struggling with making friends has always been an issue with me and i would constantly get taken advantage of (mainly one time in 2020 where someone guilt tripped me into sending $1200) and i would have my occansional moments of feeling left out especially if it feels like sometimes people i work with talk more to others than to me and the worst part of being autistic is if i can never tell if someone is mad or furious with me or if they have an issue with me unless they say something about it and then they get mad and angry when i don't pick up on it with how "obvious" it was instead of just flat out telling me if i'm doing this or that wrong, apparently we live in a society where people just say vague things and expect you to get it which made things so frustrating and it can cause huge anxiety and overthinking to happen
Thanks. I really don’t have anyone that can keep a deep connection in person. I have long distance friendship, I text this friend often but yeah. A lot of this resonated with me. What about relationships/ couple stuff? What about career and the idea of isolation? I do photography but I’m good with nature… but at some point I have to do wedding photography or portrait which is very much social.
I cannot tell you how much you’ve helped me as I’m seeking a diagnosis. You have processed things in a way that I couldn’t. It’s extremely important to break these things down for a potential diagnosis bc I have decent social skills. I’ve always struggled with friendship and I know my motives and I think I’m a good friend and I don’t understand why people don’t like me? I know that sounds narcissistic but I just know me. I was manipulated and bullied too. And when people eventually pulled away in high school, I couldn’t tell if it was bc they didn’t like me or because we didn’t have the same classes and just didn’t have time, etc. But the sidekick/cheerleader thing… 😭🤯 yes. It seems like I’m the supporting actress in everyone’s story. The weird, quirky, girl with good intentions who no one really hangs out with but is just…there. It seems like I just exist for other people. It sucks. I’m 38 and have never been diagnosed yet everyone knows I’m different. Things people will do when they find out you see the good in others bc you know your own issues/motives is so stupid and evil. When you talk about someone telling you that you did or said something wrong and you absolutely didn’t- felt that too. Like people legitimately hated me for some reason but those aren’t friends, hon. Those are toxic people in any setting. In fact, something that truly helped me is both studying antisocial/manipulative behaviors for years and then dialogue and body language analysis. I have pretty good instincts about what someone is feeling or if something is “off” but I’m not great at seeing it in real time. You deserve good friends. I’ve done kind of a stereotypical thing and made friends through Reddit bc I CAN observe that type of communication and analyze it in real time. I hate going out though bc it’s absolutely exhausting. The social hangover is 1,000% real. 🤣 That has affected my friendships as well. You should def do more of these videos! Including Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome! My mom is figuring out that she may be autistic too and she has Raynaud’s and I might too. So many co-occurring issues! You’re helping so many, Morgan! I’m amazed people never diagnosed me before this. I have a whole burnout story too. Lots of bullying during that time and then I was able to get disability… So, keep going!!! You’re amazing!❤
As someone with developmental dyspraxia, I struggled making friends all the way up until 7th grade. I am a twin and my sisters friends were the only people who would be cool with me. In that time, I spent learning a lot about my passion in football and in 7th grade, people found out and I became popular almost overnight. A lot of people who once would make jokes about me or pay no attention to me ended up being the ones that looked out for me more than anyone. This did wonders for me even once I graduated from high school and moved to college out of state and I made friends just being myself and I am an extremely social person now. I count my blessings that I got lucky and I am sorry to hear about your struggles but I appreciate you sharing them.
i'm a 24 year old undiagnosed autistic (I have heavily weighed the pros and cons of seeking official diagnose but for my career plans and life goals it's just not feasible for me to do so without being heavily restricted) - this video brought tears to my eyes, I frequently find myself looking back at my early experiences and I feel so heartbroken for child me struggling to make friends. I realise it now but I had the same experiences where I was "part of" a group without realising I was being made fun of and ridiculed by them all. I have a best friend but she is my only real friend and honestly I'm so thankful that we met! Over the last 5 years though, with university and full-time work, we've spent increasingly more time apart and so we've learned how to transfer socialisation into more digital forms and I've found it so much less taxing on the social battery (always felt so guilty for feeling that way, especially with her because I love being around her but everyone drains me in some way) - thank you for making these videos, they truly help me in feeling less alone in my experiences, i find a tremendous amount of comfort in them
Another amazing video, thank you for sharing, my daughter struggles with friendship so much, this really helps me understand more the difficulties and obstacles and also why if we are a lone we are not always lonely. Lots of love to you (friendly kind!).
Nearly 44 and no friends here either, also on the spectrum. I've just been educating myself (my whole life) instead of hanging out with people. I'd like some friends, but all I care about is physics, philosophy, and progressing society past the cul de sac it seems to be stuck in. Vast majority of people aren't into that. Once people are old enough to get married though, the window for friends is pretty much closed. That's around 30ish, generally speaking. It's all down hill from there. I think younger people on the spectrum should set a priority of getting themselves a place to live that's paid for, before they get too old and start losing job after job for simply being themselves.... and the economy and housing keeps getting worse. Honestly, I think the younger generations are screwed on owning any property, for the most part, and especially so if they're on the spectrum.
I always got “phase” friendship, no connection that stick through time, no regrets whatsoever except i look like a bad person to other people… i have 1 autistic bestfriend (10 years anniversary) and its the only friendship i kept, i always made friendships in jobs and school, because i’m friendly and sociable (I’m masking obviously to get through the day) and they want to go get coffee, partying, do something after work, invite me to their home and i just always felt and still feel so uncomfortable… l can’t because our friendship is built off my mask, and i feel no connection…. I don’t have the energy to take care of friendships and always want to be on my own anyway… i feel like because of my masking and making friends in my early 20s, i ruined my autistic alone-me time that i could’ve had … all the stuff i could’ve made because i’m very artistic… it’s crazy because now i get told “you need friends, you cant live your life alone, you need to share with people “ I DID AND IT RUINED ME, I LOST MYSELF AND IT WAS USELESS… i need neurodivergent friends… i know it’s discrimination towards neurotypical, but i don’t connect with you, and you connecting with me is cringing my whole body, i feel in a cage. Try talking about depression to a neurotypical; “don’t say that”, “aww i feel sorry for you”, “this is too heavy to handle”, or feel awkward… my neurodivergent friend will just say silly stuff, dark humour, laughing, relating to it… we can interrupt the other, jumping on another random topic without offending the other…. DONT DO THAT TO NEUROTYPICAL … they get angry real fast
yessss omgosh awesome it's not just me that's so over it. I love what you said about how you have no connection to these people like coworkers and stuff because they connected with ur mask, not the real you. That is exactly how I feel. Like people trying to befriend me makes me cringe all over my body, just like u said. Thx for your insight!
You are definitely not alone. I’m male and in my sixties and my friend situation is dire. Partly due to social anxiety that has grown paralyzing over decades, and this has a lot to do with what you described, an inability to tell what I should or shouldn’t say to someone. And yes, I have no capacity to tell if someone is a friend or acquaintance, except in my case I generally default to assuming acquaintance in all situations. This has to do with my inability to understand why anyone would care if they ever saw me again or not - a combination of connection issues and what an ADHD UA-camr describes as object permanence issues applied to people, out of sight out of mind. It was easier to have friends when I was in public school, because we were in proximity by default. My first friend was a childhood playmate that was an arranged thing, as you describe, not surprising at preschool age. From there I became a serial monogamist in primary school, one friend at a time, and we would hang out together, but one on one, not in a group. I never liked social groups, partly because it was too many elements to navigate, and partly because boys at least can be jerks in groups. I have followed enough autistic women Vloggers now to realize that sadly, girls can be too. It may even be worse, which has been a revelation for me, as I’ve had pretty serious gender self hate most of my life. I never planned the monogamy, but looking back, I think I could almost offer this as a tip: one on one may be more workable for people on the spectrum. The down side is that when I lose a friend, it’s a bigger deal, more like a marriage breaking up. And having few friends makes me more vulnerable to serious isolation and lack of support. Which is why I’m a UA-cam oversharer, trying to get the human connection I don’t get in real life anymore.
Are you artistic? I ask because I wonder if most artistic people are like this and if it’s a blessing in disguise because we end up with much more time to be creative than neurotypical people.
@RhymeandRambling Yes, I suppose I am. I spent a whole lot of time as a kid, in my room, drawing. I don’t think I was ever that talented, but I did it a lot, and so got tolerable. Being able to draw masked some other things; I was not as much of an outsider in school as I would have been otherwise, though I could tell the difference between people liking my drawings and liking me. And it gave me a vocation that involved showing a portfolio rather than doing job interviews. I used to joke that I became a commercial artist because I was otherwise unemployable, but in retrospect it wasn’t much of a joke. (The only thing my academic history was ever good for was supporting my ADHD diagnosis. No risk of “you can’t have ADHD, you did too well in school.”) Drawing did run in the family on my father’s side, which is the most suspiciously autistic side. My father was almost certainly autistic. My grandfather might have been. My great grandfather died before I was born, but based on what I know he could have been. Are you artistic as well?
@@jimwilliams3816 Yes I am as well. Your comment helped me make that connection between friend struggles and artistic talent. It’s something I’ve thought of in the past but haven’t fully embraced until recently. I’ve always thought I should have more friends so I haven’t invested in the solitude needed to pursue my art. For me it’s creative writing. I think making this connection will help a lot, embracing monogamous friendship as you succinctly put it. That’s great you’ve been able to be a commercial artist and interesting about how the talent ran through autistic family members.
Hey Morgan, thanks for raising this topic. I'm 39 and have high-functioning autism. I'm great at masking and it does take a lot of energy. I have 1 best friend who I'm really close with. I've known him for 16 years now and we bonded over similar interests. For us that's PC & board games, and TTRPGs. I completely get what it's like trying to make friends, everything you've described I can relate to, especially when I've been trying to find a girlfriend. My advice is to just go to activities and do things you enjoy doing. Find like-minded people and you'll hopefully find people you can bond with over your shared interests. And from there if you find yourself drawn to one or two specific people who you engage with regularly maybe try to connect with them outside of those activities. That's how my friendship grew organically. Maybe that'll help.
I’m not sure if I’m autistic yet (I mean basically every experience I’ve read or heard has something I relate to) but this is just like, the most interesting and relatable thing I’ve seen. I’ve always tried to make myself like and understand and follow what the others in the groups liked and did, and struggled so much that at the end I broke. And when I finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore basically it meant the friend group excluded me from everything. The best thing? I was so all right with that because at that point I was exhausted. I was burnt out because of school and because of these people. Also I had extreme fatigue caused by chronic illness(es) and didn’t know at the time. High school was true hell. Thanks fo sharing this, it makes us feel less alone. ❤ Socialising is too tiring to be in the to do list. Just… I either shower or go out. Both is just impossible. 😅
I have struggles with friends too. Up till year 5 i had them fine. My mum hot me a friend before school (one of her friends kids) and we went to nursery together. This enabled me to find another one too while being there before the first one left and i went up with the second one. I then made friends through that person and went up with them again and now thanks to that person my bestie is who i made friends with in reception and we still besties now
This popped up in my recommendations, Im also autistic and i've struggled with friendships over the years, and i definitely relat to all of these. I struggle to keep friends. Good video!! thank you for what you are doing!!!
I have problems making friends but in a different way. As an autistic person, I only have problems making friends because of miscommunication. I'm always misunderstood a lot. I am very deep minded, when I become friends with someone I prefer those deep conversations. However, most kids my age aren't like that so it's hard for me to make friends because of that. I also have trust issues, so that's another big role in why I don't have any friends. I'm also socially awkward. I think I'm great at conversating I just don't know how to get a conversation going and I'm not great at conversating with people I don't trust or don't know. I'm mostly not great at making friends because of past experiences really. I'm often misunderstood because of how I react to things. Such as this one time in school we were learning a subject in a different method than I was used to, so I think I was saying something like "But I remember it going like this-" and for some reason the teachers would take it as being argumentative. By kids my age I'm often misunderstood because of how serious I am and how different I am. Because of my autism I am very sensitive to crowds, loud noises, and bright lights so I get overwhelmed very easily and sometimes it just causes me to have a mental breakdown out of nowhere and since it's out of nowhere no one understands and just thinks I'm overreacting because of something they said.
I thank you sooo much for your videos!❤❤❤ My daughter is newly diagnosed at 15. She ended up in a mental health facility for depression, now know it is Autistic Burnout.🙂 You have helped us both understand so much about her life and how to help her. We could never thank you enough. You are very brave!
I experience friendship more as some sort of vibes. If I define friendship as not minding your presence 80% of my time because you are cool, sharing an interest and tolerant for stims, a lack in social skills and stuff. If so, you are so rare that you may as well be a friend. If I get some sort of weird excitement from your presence, I learned to become suspicious because this excitement might not be a good excitement if this makes sense
As a child, I had a lot of really bad friendships. I did not realize until much later that all the people I thought were my friends were not my friends. Now though I have an amazing group of neurodivergent and (mostly) queer people. I'm still not the best at those kinds of things but I'm trying and with people who also understand me.
Hi, Morgan! I just want to say that I l’ve just found your channel and think you are a lovely person. I’m still only self diagnosed, but your videos have been helping me a lot. Thank you for putting in the effort and making such good and inclusive content!
Recommendations for learning how to recognize red flags, communicate effectively, set healthy boundaries, and find healing: Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud Nonviolent Communication by George Ratson YT channel: The Royal We
Your videos are information rich. I may have to watch this one again and write some essays in here. I'll definitely want to watch again in order to digest the information more thoroughly. There were all kinds of places where I said, "Wait, how do you know? How can *I* know?" "Am I doing that?" "Do I experience that?" I need to watch this all over again. If I said I'd like to be your friend, would that pick up your mood? I mean it. I would.
Essaying time. I wrote all this and did not edit. If it's too long to read, I won't hold it against you. You made me stop and think: have I ever had a best friend? Like, really? Maybe. I've been married. I think that counted. Other than that, what about in the absence of romantic relationships? (Tangent: Do I reach for romantic or amorous relationships more readily than other kinds?) I think there have been lots of times when I didn't have any real close friends. And my parents' admonishing me to "get some friends" sure didn't help. There were people I was friend-ly with, but things just didn't seem to fit. Getting close to people is hard. Do I have a best friend now? You know... I think I might. I can think of two friends in particular. But they're far away. It didn't help that I grew up so far away from aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. when I was a kid. I wish I could have grown up with my cousins. It's easier that way. They certainly do ostracize us for not having friends, don't they? And they expect you to have a friend network you can rely on in times of need. "You'll be fine. Just call on your friends." What friends? I got one for you: Do you know why they made two versions of the Pokémon games? So you would have to buy both games, buy two game consoles, and trade with yourself. That is why they did it. "Freends"? What are "freends"? And they wouldn't leave you alone. By which I mean me. They wouldn't leave ME alone. Oh, it's hard for you? You'd rather just stick to your schoolwork, and not worry about socializing? WE know what will help! We'll ignore how hard it is, and PRESSURE you to be more extroverted! You have to enjoy the things we TELL you to enjoy! You're a workaholic and we want you to be a kidaholic! That last sentence is a DIRECT QUOTE! And to the lady who said that to me, wherever you are, YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY. So now I've started making meme images. The kidaholic one is one that I did today. A few weeks ago I did one with a hand holding some crab crackers. It says, "You need to come out of your shell. This is for your own good." It's a small way of firing back at all the people throughout my life who wouldn't leave me alone. Now, conversationally, I am the opposite of you. I can have a deep conversation. I can listen to someone tell me their deepest, most painful traumas, and I can be fully engaged. But surface level stuff, oh brother! How do I do that dance? Do I need to keep the conversation going? Is silence bad? Am I losing them if there's silence? Are they counting on me to keep the conversation alive? Do they want the conversation to end, and will they not like it if I try to keep it going? How does anyone DO this? Now here's the thing. You're saying that people are talking to you just to be nice, and you think they want to be friends, and you overshare, and you end up driving them away. Is that what's really happening? How do you know? DO you know? Because if you do, teach me the secret, because I sure don't. I have no idea how receptive people will be to my sharing. I don't know where the line is, and I never know when I might blow it. Same with the alternate circumstance, where they want to be friends and you don't see it. How do you know? Because I don't know. You know, in spite of it, I do make real connections with some people. But what if sometimes when I think I do, I'm wrong? Because I've had experiences that have shaken my trust. But still, I've had some good experiences, too. I've connected with some people in genuine ways. And it feels so good to be in that place with someone. All this text and we're not even two minutes in!!! I relate to this thing you're saying now. I believe people. And I will do much for them. There are limits, but I will do much. And yes, I second guess myself so much about whether I am doing or saying the right things. And if people tell me I blew it, a lot of the time I will believe them, because I don't know what blowing it necessarily looks like, and I've blown it before and really upset people in the past without knowing what I was doing, so whatever may have just happened could be just another one of those cases. It can be hard for me to stop, evaluate, and say "This was not my fault." I don't think that I have been close enough to a lot of people for them to manipulate and gaslight me. But you're making me wonder now. I don't think it happened. But if it did, would I know? But then again, friendships lasting for years and years are rare. But I'm starting to have some. I'm sorry people have been so unkind to you. You didn't deserve it. I relate to the dilemma of what to do with bad friendships. Some words from a song ("Mimi Gets Mad") have often come into my mind: "It's not very pretty, but it's absolutely true That I'm still the best that she can do." I have sometimes found myself on the opposite side of the equation. Sometimes I had friends that weren't so great, but they were the best that I could do. You have what-what syndrome? Eller-Stanlaugh? Let me Google. Ah. Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. Ok, I see. I don't like going out into the world either. That's where I make mistakes and people reject me. Why would I want to go there? Oh yeah. Because the alternative is really lonely. How do we make new friends? Online might be a good place to start. Communities where we have shared interests, and the screen to shield us. I'm thinking about these socialization hangovers you speak of. I mean, so much of the time, I have very little energy, and I want to withdraw into myself, and I don't even know why. I think that a lot of growing up, for people like me, means learning not to listen to ourselves. So it's hard to learn to listen now. But I'm learning. So I'm going to have to wonder now whether socialization hangovers happen to me. Keep the confessions coming, because you're making really good videos. And feel free to be in touch, as much or as little as you like. The S at the end of my name is for Sincere, because that's a quality I make an effort to cultivate. A lot of the time, the sincere person is the person you need. Someone who will sit with you during difficult times and genuinely care. Someone who will let themselves be vulnerable, and share things they're feeling, and really mean it.
Girl, you are the best! Both me and my husband are quite social people and we have an autistic son. Your videos help me a lot in understanding him, his struggles (he had had an autistic meltdown a few days ago because of social interaction and I didn’t know exactly what happened, but now I see it more clearly). Keep up with this channel because your voice is heard much more than you can imagine. My child cannot hear you now (he doesn’t understand English yet), but I hear you and I will try my best to show him that life is awesome even if the society was designed for people slightly different than him. Besides, you, as well as him, show me how awesome are autistic people. Thank you!
Just sharing, but I actually made a best friend back in elementary. We were both in special Ed, and he had ADHD and I had Autism and ADHD. We had a lot of common interests, he was a grade older. We became best friends 6 years ago, even though that might not seem a lot for some people. We’re still best friends till this day. Basically don’t let autism hold you back, just try your best.
10:42 Socialization hangovers are intense! It gets easier. Basically, it's a workout as you are developing those skills and getting more accustomed to spending longer periods of time around people who you don't already know intimately for a long time. Keep going as your stamina will incease.
This is legit. Being in the workplace IRL taught me that it is possible to grow more comfortable socially, that social skills can be trained like a muscle (which ironically should illustrate the effort it takes; being NT must be like being born socially jacked, while the rest of us have to train our way up). Some might argue that this is technically masking, but I would say as long as you're being authentic, it's not really masking, just building up your social comfort and tolerance. It was only when COVID hit that I realized how much I had been unconsciously "training", and how socially out of shape I got hahaha
@@nonamelegend_vapor Absolutely, I agree with you 100%. I picked these up from Couchsurfing, going to Meetup events, and later hosting events and volunteering. It's very different from socialization for school because I am actively and consciously choosing to be in these social settings. I can just as easily isolate as none of these people have any other forms of access to my regular life beyond me wanting to be present then and there. It is very draining at first, but it's definitely working the "muscles for social comfort and tolerance," even with people you get along with great. And to follow up with what you said, it's minimal masking beyond being polite to brand new strangers because I am constantly checking in with myself if I do want to further engage in a specific conversation with the person in front of me or if I want to move on to the next group or if I just want to listen or change the topic. Keeping your cool and staying authentic is key. It's only an issue if you're feeling super overwhelmed and engage in some form of overt stimming behavior, which for that you can switch to more subtle ones or excuse yourself and go for a lap outside the building to destress from a sensory overload (from a crowded bar or strong smells due to some people vaping or something).
I'm not sure if my friendships were manipulative, but they surely all ended quickly or didn't even start. I used to think as a kid: "These two girls really like Harry Potter, so if I read Harry Potter, they will like me." And I did just that, but they rejected me because their friendship wasn't based only on Harry Potter. Similar things happened multiple times, sometimes I had friends but once that mutual interest in something ended for them, they would be gone too. I actually went to many different after school activities or social gatherings for teens to make friends, I never realized how draining that was. As a kid and teen, all I wanted was a friend... Now I'm working in a even more draining job with a lot of client contact and social interaction. When I get home after working my 8 hours, I'm so tired that I can't really do anything anymore. On top of that, I work 6 days, so I can only rewind on Sunday and that's not enough. I always feel like I'm overreacting, because I tell myself it's not that bad. I also don't have the energy to find a new job right now, that would mean new place, new schedule, new people. I still would like to have genuine friends, but outside of my job I can't bring myself to meet new people, only for things to repeat themselves like in school.
I struggle with friendships too. I've had two best friends in my 38 years, but one grew apart, and the other dumped me because I admit that I pushed too hard at one point. I work as an instrumental music teacher in my school district, and as such, I float between two buildings during the week. It has its pros and cons, but one of the cons is that I don't get many opportunities to become part of any one school community (i.e. develop friends). I've been part of my church choir for eight years now, and I'm friendly with the other people there, but I'm not friends with anyone. My husband (who was officially diagnosed on the spectrum at 2) and I both feel quite lonesome many days.
This is the story of my life. Well, more or less. I had a true friend group in high school, but work drains me so much I don't have the energy to keep in touch anymore. On top of that, my job is teaching, so that drains mental energy and social battery at the same time, I am exhausted even without a full time workload. But capitalism forces me to keep burning myself out. It sucks because I'm trapped. And I'm undiagnosed so my family doesn't get my struggles.
Gonna be so for real rn. I have not wanted friends anymore for many years. I used to want friends probably until age 21 or so. And then idk if it's because of all the bully friends i made my whole life before that or what... but now I do not want friends. Like at all. Like please leave me alone frfr. I guess that prolly sounds unhealthy, but im so for real. Like i do not want another friend. Ever again. Ever. XD Anyone else feel this way? Also do not give me ur unsolicited advice please, I cannot be any more real that I do not want friends and I think that's fine. I don't feel defective or anything, just done with friendship. Gratefully done. Ok that's my ted talk ya'll, hope it wasnt too much. I may change my mind someday, but this is my reality rn.
Could you make a video of your experience dating as an autistic person? I know you've mentioned before that you have a boyfriend, and I'm curious what that relationship dynamic is like for you. My dating experiences as an autistic person have ranged from not great to absolutely horrible lol
Idk really how to talk. Like what do you talk about? Logically, I could probably think about an infinite amount of things by making subsets inside subsets but it always feels like I'm missing something. Plus I always have to do the talking for some reason. It's probably because most people mainly think about themselves and what they can get out of a set of relations. I do sometimes also feel like I'm going insane which does not help. Existence is really tiring.
Hi. 33 year old male. Diagnosed at 27. I want you to know that if you are not bullsh***ing to get attention, what you are doing is very brave and admirable. Have a good one
My best friend is also neurodivergent and that is, i think, the key. We sometimes dont talk for weeks because we both struggle with social demands and consistency. And sometimes we have 4-5 hour long phone calls to body double long distance. Reflecting back at the end of my twenties I realize almost no one I was friends with was actually my friend. There are exceptions, but all of them including my best friend are also late-diagnosed ADHD or ASD. I was always the useful person to have around, or a flattering shadow, or the "entertainment", or sometimes the punching bag. Finally in my mid twenties I started to learn how to create better boundaries for myself and the bad friendships dwindled, but finding good ones and being able to actually cultivate that is hard as hell. I've moved a lot throughout my life, I lived in 5 states and went to 9 different schools, practice does not make perfect. You just have to keep rolling the dice.
Can u talk about the general school experience while being autistic? I'm a minor who might be autistic and I'm homeschooled but I have been to actual school before and I want to know what it was like for u growing up. For me it hasn't been the best, I actually got really overwhelmed today and couldn't do the normal amount of subjects that I normally do. I cried really really hard after only doing one subject because one of my new workbooks is confusing me, like a lot but I hate asking for help so I just cried really hard. I know that sounds immature, but I can't help it, like seriously, I can't control when I cry, or what I cry about. When I went to school last year and previous years I also had a lot of bullies for friends. In 5th grade a while back I had one friend, and I was mostly ok with it, and in earlier years I've had a lot of friends betray me, and honestly one of my friends now still does, she is a little toxic but I don't wanna let her go bc then I would only have one friend and then I would really have to go out and make more, and I don't want to do that. But, what was school like for u growing up?
I am being tested for audhd and I was just going to suggest to you to join a pottery or art class to meet new people. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It’s so similar to mine. I wonder if a 1-2 hour class once a week or every other week would be a good way of building those social reps. I’m planning on doing the same.
Each time I go out its horrible. I just realised that most of people they just really like surface level conversations no stop. I mean, I understand ,we dont know each other so the social norm is to ask where I am from, whats my job and bullshit like this. The problem is that most people stick with such questions no stop for hours and I find it draining. Sometimes, I try to make some joke to deviate from this stupid questions or to be sarcastic a bit but people just dont get it like they are focused on the script to be the kind and nice person which results them to be boring and comformist. Its painful.
I don’t know if this helps at all, but this is a situation many neurotypical people find themselves in as well. There are many ways to feel different, and all of those things can leave us wondering if we will ever make a lasting friend. Most of us have friends for a season, not a BFF.
I'm obviously biased in favor of you because I'm also neuraly divergent but i think you're real and people suck and are shallow so they probably resent you for being a real one.
I'm a high masking 50yr old woman, autism was NOWHERE on my radar until age 49 (because I fundamentally misunderstood what it was & no other family members with the diagnosis, which is a whole other story of course) 2 months ago, along with the other Everest-scale avalanches of comprehension that started rolling over me when I finally put it together that I was autistic, I realized why I'd always struggled making lasting friendships. I think that at least for me, my masking made people uncomfortable because I *emptied* myself of *myself* (because my natural self was clearly unacceptable) but didn't know how to fill in the blanks of the mask in interactions. If you have no strong opinions/preferences and only ever want to do what other people want to do and your personality is just "good grades and piano lessons and Being Nice" etc, I think it probably elicits one of two reactions in NT people - 1) you're not interesting because there's insufficient "you" being shared and/or 2) the odd gaps & missing pieces in the personality you've tried to put together (even if they're only teeny tiny gaps) can leaves NTs sort of uneasy or uncomfortable. Most of them might not even consciously recognize why. For me, by junior high, I'd largely managed to self-edit and delete anything WEIRD out of my public behaviour (oof, at great cost to myself), but that didn't mean I knew how to create a mask that would be experienced as a whole and authentic person, by NTs. So people might have wanted to get to know me, and I'd be happy to have a new friend, and they'd invest however much time getting to know me (& I'd be getting to know them) but there would always be something missing for them, no matter how hard I was trying to perform the "getting to know a person" process. Inevitably, we'd reach a point where they were unsatisfied with what I could bring to the table (or I was too intende maybe, if we shared an interest that was a special interest for me) but because being nice was such a core aspect of the person I was trying to be, it never resulted in any, like, conflicts. They'd start being busy with something else I wasn't involved in, and I'd be sad they were more interested in other friends, and I'd rotate to another part of the group of friends they'd brought me into. At any rate, it's all a moot point now because I've been through 2 decades of INTENSE cascades of burnouts and increasing skill loss, leading up to the realization that it's autism (been on Disability for bioplar for 19.5 yrs because of it... yes, there IS bipolar, but I'm 100% certain the disability is down to catastrophic collapsing under the weight of my mask). Huge amounts of my executive functioning is haywire now, and while I still really really enjoy people, I don't have the mental/emotional energy/resilience to sustain much interaction. I definitely don't have the energy to bring to a friendship, what a friendship requires. Luckily, I've also discovered over the last... maybe 15 years, that I love my own company, and for the most part I don't feel lonely living with my dog, 2 cats, and 9 chickens. (Uh, the chickens live in a chicken coop outside of course. But they're part of my little community)
I agree with you. I’m 40. Listening to my very similar teen daughter going through highschool brings back lots of memories where I realised I was doing the same thing. No opinions, nice to everyone, just a blank, unoffensive girl who eventually got forgotten. Girls don’t gravitate to the “nicest”, they gravitate to the one with the strongest personality. I was very scared of rocking the boat in any sense but had no respect. The girls in my group that had the most respect and attention were the ones that would lose their shit if someone wronged them. I met up with them as adults and was relieved. They have kept the same high school heirarchy, still talk badly of each other behind their backs, etc.
Oh my goodness, Morgan, you have just bravely and clearly described my entire life's experience with friendship. Thank you for tackling this hard-to-talk-about topic. Bottom line- It's Hard!! In my life, I have had many many of those surface type friendly relationships, many good as they are, but they do fade. My best anchors so far, friendship-wise, are continuing to work on being my own loving, non-critical best friend (it's hard!)- and I do have a couple of (I'm sure neurodivergent) friends I have met over the years at my jobs, and while our friendships are erratic and wacky, they are what I imagine true friends are- my tribe I guess. They drive me crazy at times and are not necessarily easy to be with (we don't see each other often)...but I imagine it's the same for them with me! Anyway, thank you again for this GREAT video- you rock!
Super anxious and autistic here, I definitely feel that I can relate to not knowing if people consider me a friend or not. I have suuuuper bad imposter syndrome and often very much worry that people are nice to me but don't actually view me as worth anything. It is next to impossible for me to make new friends as well. I think one big issue is most likely due to my autism and adhd I'm very much interested in "my thing" and nothing else. Other people are open to change and variable interests where I'm more "I am intensely hyperfocused in ONE/a few interests" Sidenote I'm very easily exhausted by socializing and I'm an introvert. It feels nice at the least to watch this and feel less alone with the experiences
Always struggled to make friends as a teenager. However, I have one best friend I met at university, and we currently meet only once a week - it's perfect for us! I count my lucky stars for her because otherwise I think I would be considered a "loner" by most people. As I get older, I'm finding it easier to make and maintain friendships somehow, but communicating with them throughout the week really falls down my list of priorities. Maybe that's just an introversion thing?
Well it sounds like we have had very similar life experiences. I Also struggle with communication and checking in on people and such. I have always been a social drifter. Definitely had people who manipulated me in high school. I have trust issues now. Let's be friends! It'll be easy, we'll just not change anything! Sounds perfect. /s Okay, my dark sense of self deprecating humor might have actually hurt me this time...
i cannot emphasize enough how much i needed this video. even so many videos about being autistic & navigating friendship are focusing on trying to change ourselves to be "better" at friendship and socializing but recently i was venting to my therapist about how i feel broken, sometimes even like a bad person for not being able to keep up with it & feeling like maybe.. i don't even want it (a thriving social life& more than like.. 1-2 friends) and she absolutely blew my mind by telling me i don't need to prioritize those things if i don't want to- in fact i shouldn't cuz it's clearly harming me & it was so... enlightening & i'm in this similar place of learning to accept myself, i'm still working on it and it's hard especially figuring out how to communicate that i can't be what certain people want me to be but i know it'll all be worth it (would love to hear u talk about how you're navigating being clear about your limits & what you can & cannot do, setting boundries and accomadating urself- its so hard i've been so deeply engrained to people please)
thanks for this. I struggle. I have good friends. But I'm so highly masked. My current city social scene is cruel to neurodiverse women. Lately I feel like making friends online because there are more people like me.
I can't tell if my whole friend group is autistic or they just accepted I am low-key (not diagnosed but everyone told me I am and I think I am too but my therapist said it's just anxiety)
I thought I found my best friend last year but we both ran into the issue of “we’re super busy with working and don’t have energy or time to hang out because we’re exhausted all the time.” And now we’re not speaking with each other. 😢 Friendships and deepening them have been hard for me. Thank you for sharing this video
I’m not sure if you’ll see this, but I’d be 100% up for connecting and building a friendship with you! I followed you on TikTok first and then subscribed here. You’ve helped me understand so many things and given me so many needed perspectives. Also I’ve been through a similar journey with friendships.
One thing that I notice is that I tend to feel more comfortable in groups where I am somehow markedly different from everyone. For example, being around people much older than me or much younger than me. Or being around people from a different culture. I think the reason for this is because it's already obvious that I am different, so any "strange" behavior is just associated to that.
But when I am around people "like me", then I feel uncomfortable and left out because it feels like there is an expectation for me to think and behave like everyone in the group. If I do anything out of the ordinary, then it's much more noticeable and looked at as strange.
I'm learning to feel more okay with feeling like an outsider everywhere I go and trying to acknowledge and remind myself that it actually has some benefit for me. I'd rather be welcomed in as a outsider than welcomed in as "one of the group" and then have to live up to the standards of behaving like everyone else in the group.
Your last sentence is definitely an uncommon perspective and is pretty legit.
I have definitely experienced this and gravitated towards it! I'm kind of notorious in my family for having friends who are decades, older or younger than me. I was one of two white kids who attended my high school and I had such a positive experience with my classmates in comparison to previous schools that were less diverse. Nobody was being covert and passive aggressive because I was "weird". I got teased for my nerdy white girl's interests a bit, but It wasn't mean, and that kind of lite teasing was pretty universal in that school. I never felt actually judged or like I was missing something.
I'm a woman who works in a male dominated group setting and it is so much easier for me in some ways than a female dominated setting. This is *not* a pick me thing. I *swear* *to* *God* . I don't care about male attention. Women just tend to expect things from me socially that I don't know about or have a hard time with. Men just tend to assume that I'm different because I'm a woman.
I feel this so much, and this is kinda what makes me leery about engaging with irl and/or online autistic communities, fair or not, especially those centered around a common interest. Just because we're all autistic doesn't mean we are all reflexively understanding and charitable towards one another, or that there wouldn't be an element of groupthink. Perhaps the fact that we all have autism in common would create expectations
Edited because I left out the word "online"lol
@@calebivey1776for real though! Me personally, I think this is why I lurk in and sniff around so many groups/communities but rarely immerse myself in the actual "community" aspect
yes, it is easier to get along with people i'm not competing with as much too. It seems that's what it comes down to, 5:41 the more you are around people that are stereotypically "like you" the more social pressure and competition is there. When i do smth weird, people non in my in group can just say "oh that must be how white people are." lol it's like i experience more prejudice from straight white men than anyone else, when that should be the group I vibe with the most.
I just cried through this video😭😭😭I'm 45 with zero friends, and have a history of having only bullies as friends too. My new therapist is going to try and connect me with an autistic community. Thank you for making these videos- they make me not feel so alone! ❤❤❤
I’m 38. I feel you! ❤ We can find each other in the comments in every video and I’ll be your UA-cam friend!
oh, i'm sorry to hear that. it really moves me. i am also in my 40s and went through hell undiagnosed and being treated terribly by neurotypicals. i'm trying to meet others like me too. you are absolutely not alone, and i hope you make some great friends. best wishes.
43 here. Diagnosed last year. I left my last life and people behind and now really struggling to make friends. I hope we can all be friends. ❤
*hug* (if you want the hug)
I'm 42½, I had friends many times before now, but not lately.
" my mum says she thinks you are a lovely person and keep shinning your light. The world needs more people like you. " from my Mother
You’re a sweetie pie. Your honestly will help many other people. You are so insightful. You would be a wonderful teacher or counselor for Autistic youth. My niece has Autism and she struggles and your struggles are so similar. Thank you. Good luck. You deserve it all.
That's so nice!!
You don’t need to take a spotlight or anything to stand out as a great person. If you do your thing. In the background, at your own pace, you will be great, your way.
Pretty sure my best friend is also autistic, and honestly, I’ve never had a friend like her before. We can just be ourselves and I don’t mask at all. She feels like a sister, and really the only friend I’ve ever been able to say that about and we’re 29!! We just became friends only a couple years ago. You will find your people or your person, I promise. We aren’t broken. She’s just like me, sometimes we don’t talk for 2 weeks, it doesn’t mean anything to our friendship! We just get it. ❤️
I am the same I only had one best friend. We were friends for 34 years until she died at 45 years old. No one can ever replace her. Cherish the one you have 😊
Other ND friends are the best!! Most of my friends are ND
❤
I can relate so much to not talking to my friends for weeks (once even a month), but when we initiate contact again it’s so much fun.
@@1969kellypI’m sorry for your loss. I guess good people often die young.
This describes my friendships or lack there of 100%. I have lived almost 59 years without what I would describe as a best friend. It has been a lifelong struggle. Every time I think I’m making a friend either I push too hard and chase the person away or they push me away. Meeting people is impossible when you don’t want to go to the usual social things such as bars or parties. Recently I have started volunteering but even then I am the outsider of the group and find just interacting difficult. Morgan, you have once again described what being autistic is like so well! Thanks! Keep making content on UA-cam!
I get this so much.
I am willing to be friends with you
@@theshadypersonifyidk.. That offer sounds a bit shady.. (because of your name)
My jokes don't hit irl either lol, only works if you're charismatic 🤷
It does get less manipulative than high school with age, but also harder to make friends.
Really? I feel like because of societal standards it's way more manipulative now because people have practiced. A boss can be cleverly sociable but abusive to employees and even their management behaves the same so it's completely acceptable for their workplace and even HR won't mind telling someone that if they're sick this year they should know in advance, request that time and if denied they're not allowed to call out. It's scary what the world is like
@@RedRuneblade_Alt I agree, manipulation only gets to higher levels of proffiency as you get older.
@@tbcstuff3634 sad but true... Pretty scary. I think being neurodivergent makes it easier to pick up when someone is not actually a nice person. Or past experiences, other both lol. But sure seems like once you can tell, they notice the manipulative behavior isn't working on you and it's like an excuse for them to display abusive behavior when others who wouldn't approve aren't present
...The manipulation can be more sophisticated with the more experienced abusers as well as those with more formal education.
They are no more harder to spot however so long as you use ur eyes and remember 'actions speak louder than words'...👀
Realizing most if not all of my friends were huge bullies to me was one of the worst parts of my journey
I read somewhere once that friendships are like bunches of flowers, all the tulips together, all the daisies together and people with autism are the bees visiting them all, taking time to enjoy them but having to bumble around to the next one.
That idea has stuck with me and feels comforting... i don't know if it is but it feels it.
I never comment under youtube comments, but this one really gave me happiness. I am autistic and my name means "bee" and thats all I did in my life... getting to know "friends", nurturing and enjoying them, until they no longer needed my bee-nurturing and left me / I left them and moved to the next flower / friendship. I always took it so personal that I coud never keep friends, that I would care for them but had to move on over and over again. flying to the next friends. I would rather "keep" friends. but this comment makes me realize, maybe I have to be a bee and see friends as flowers lol thank you for that realization :-)
@@marvala4508 when I heard it I had a little cry because it was too real to my life experience. Hasn't made letting people go easier but it changes the way I think back on it.
Glad the perspective got to you xxx
I've been working for 3 months now and I still haven't made any friends at the workplace because I DON'T like talking! I'm always in my lil' corner working alone listening to music on my headphones at all times. If I socialize and try to interact with people then my mask activates creating this struggle to form sentences while doing eyecontact. It's very draining to the point of me collapsing at home after my shift is over (and partially on the busride home makign me miss my bus stop on multiple occasions).
I value my free time and if I have to form social connections then I sacrifice my free time for sleep. It sucks. I'm glad I'm working in an environment that accomodates for me at the cost of working under minimum wage.
Ngl growing up with internet was the saving grace for me when it comes to my friendships that I still have. It eliminates most of my problems with talking to people and I'm so very thankful for it.
I'm in you shoes but it's been way longer for me at almost 2 years. I would recommend pushing yoursellf to socialize even in small ways, because after a while, I feel like I am not making any personal progress and nobody here cares about me
This sounds like a trauma response, like you’re dissociating. When do you first remember “having a mask activate” while talking to people?
If it was a traumatic moment, this could explain the extreme fear response: your brain is trying to protect you from perceived danger.
Either way I highly recommend hypnotherapy.
I’m on the other end of that time arc. The internet didn’t exist until almost middle age for me, but now in my 60s I am grateful for it in the same way.
Not realizing that your friends are actually bullies… That happened to me a lot in high school and even elementary school too!
I hope Morgan finds that great honest friend she deserves!
Yes, a good friend whose got her back too and will let her know when they notice red flags in other people.
In my 40s now. You hit some really key points that I absolutely identify with. Particularly, bullies, and not being able to/wanting to maintain friendships from a distance. So interesting! At this point, I really work on building a sense of contentment and enjoyment of being alone. I embrace the power of parasocial relationships. I join in with book clubs and volunteer opportunities, but I don't put any pressure on trying to turn acquaintances into close friends anymore. It's enough that we enjoy each other's company at scheduled activities. I consider my "third places" as social outlets, even if I don't talk to anyone there. (Cafe, library, gym) If being an "outsider" is my destiny as an autistic person, then I'm going to embrace that status and enjoy it... and I do. Funnily enough, I've always loved stories and movies about castaways and mountain men - people out there on their own, just surviving and maybe even thriving. It's not always easy, but the alternative is making myself miserable trying to "fit in" and I just don't have the energy for that anymore.
Yes, I almost don't want to try to make friends because it was so traumatic for so long. But I do enjoy being alone and have absolutely embraced the parasocial. Every day I took my kids to preschool and couldn't make friends I used to cry, every Sunday I couldn't break through the surface chit-chat, every time I saw people everywhere getting closer and shutting me out, that was the worst. I'm not 100% sure why I can't do it (nor can I afford to find out), but I can't, and I have kids so I can't risk the mental health implications of trying any more. I do like my kids, and 2 of them are like me, which is hard for them.
OMG THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I'VE BEEN FEELING LATELY!!!!! Towards the end when u talk about not liking to socialize but needing it so badly and how draining it is, I get that soooooooooo much and one of my friends just doesn't get it. I have an autistic friend and a non autistic friend and I definitely relate and get along with and argue less with my autistic friend. But I hate socializing, because like u, if ur close to me I also can be easily manipulated and gaslighted, like I realized that my own mom has been manipulating me for years but I still fall for it every time, like I know she's doing it, but somehow I still fall for it. I also don't like socializing, it is really draining, even in therapy, like I'll get back from therapy and be so drained and just lay in my bed and not want to get out for at least a few weeks. And like I want more friends, but I don't know how to get them and don't want to put in the work to get them, but I do want them.
Also very relatable to me. I do want to meet new people. I have three close friends and judging by the comment section, that’s way above average. The thing is, when moving into a new environment, I have no one. Two of my friends, I knew from high school. I graduated high school last year. Tried uni last year and got drained from planning and failed attempts at socialising and relating to people. And I want to have someone who can be a steady friend for me in a new environment, but I don’t know how to chase after that. All of my friends either initiated contact themselves, or were paired with me by a teacher. I just don’t approach people. That goes so far against my own nature.
I can only get social energy from being with friends, maybe close family, in a familiar space. Otherwise I will get drained. As for psychologist and coaching appointments, I do get drained near the tail end of them. And when I get home, I do not have the energy to talk about them right away. I need recharge time.
@@jarmoliebrand2005 I can also relate to most of that. All my friends are online and I also get drained from therapy or something simple like shopping.
This describes every friendship i have had, I thought it was just me.
Same,
but I also thought there must be a person in this world who thinks and feels like me.
Same I hope I find someone like that
When you mentioned how it's hard to tell whether your friends are your friends or bullies, it reminded me of my childhood-teenage friends.
There was a guy in our group of friends, and he would always get teased. I would always say something because I didn't like how they would bully him. But they were always joking.
One day, one of them said to me "Ximo (this guy that they teased) is sick of you protecting him whenever we tease him. He thinks you're in love with him and said you're disgusting."
So there's a lot to unpack there. I never had any romantic feelings towards him, I just had difficulties registering the teasing as sarcasm, and would always say things like, come on, guys, stop saying that, or, don't listen to them.
It's also the fact that my friend told me this to hurt me. He always did homophobic sh*t (I'm transgender male to female and bisexual, at the time I wasn't out as either, but everyone could tell I was queer) to me, and when I'd confront him about it, he mentioned his gay uncles...
Also: this very same friend was my childhood best friend. Up until first year of secondary, he was my best friend throughout most of primary. When we started secondary, he started to completely ignore my existence. He then became the leader of the friend group, and would always find ways (like what I wrote earlier) to make me feel upset. In one class he pretended like he wanted to kiss me in front of the entire class, just to laugh at me and ridicule me.
I learned of how they had a WhatsApp group where everyone was in except for me. I think it's for two reasons: as you mentioned, I must have been for them a "surface level friend", because no one in the group had thought of inviting me, which hurt a lot, because I considered all of them to be my friends. But it was also because this guy was intentionally leaving me out. I then told one friend to ask to let me in, which I hated to do, because I didn't want to "beg" them to join their group from which they had already excluded me. We were 17-18 at the time as well, like how childish can they be.
So this guy said they should vote on it. Everyone said yes, to let me in. But this guy said no. And since he had this weird dynamic over everyone, I ended up not being added. After that I decided not to hang out with them ever, to cut them from my life, because I had other friends that I had healthy relationships with.
Then last year I met with them and when this toxic guy showed up, I felt this terrible pain in my chest. He gives me terrible anxiety. And then while we were texting one day, he suddenly said he "apologises in case he had at some point not been able to empathise with me", which is the closest I will ever get to getting an actual apology from him, since that was not one.
But these issues really create trauma, other than being autistic and it making it hard to navigate through relationships, there's also these people who like to complicate things. I'm quite sociable and love making friends, but I can definitely tell how my autism impacts this part of my life. Learning more about it helps, so thank you for creating this video ❤
I’m so happy when your videos get posted. I’m way older than you, and sadly most neurotypical women become quite cliquish and keep to their usual circle of friends when they get older… and the subject always comes up about why I’m my age and yet have no friends. That alone ends it right there. The last time I tried to be friends with someone we were in her car and she said… “It’s a good thing we’re not roommates, because I’d smother you in your sleep.” So, it’s good that my special interest involves animals, primarily wildlife.
That's a horrible thing to tell someone. I am sorry that happened. People can be so mean.
This video was so painful to watch, because I relate to it SO MUCH.
YOU SPOKE TO MY SOUL
Dang how could anyone be mean to you? You're the sweetest girl! You are not alone. Idk what a healthy friendship is yet either. Hopefully nobody else bullies you. I don't like when people bully each other and are mean to each other.
In my own experience, the nicest people are low hanging fruit for bullies. They don't like push back. I've seen it happen and I've been the victim of it myself. And, at least until we get older and wiser, we aren't very good at defending ourselves. I don't know if we go along with it because of a desire to belong, but it definitely starts as not realizing we're being bullied, at least for some of us. Maybe it is a sunk cost fallacy. I've definitely associated with people who bullied me longer than I should have, for whatever reason.
@WaterMan416 yes, the thing about bullying is it is mostly reflective of the issues of the bullies. Who gets picked on has mostly to do with who is perceived as vulnerable or as being an “other.” The most heartbreaking thing is that so many people who are bullied internalize it as a sign of deficiencies in themselves, and that really isn’t the reason for it.
I got very into Robert Sapolsky, who taught a course on Human Behavioral Biology, and also studied baboons in the wild for many years. He describes the tendencies primates (including humans) have toward tribal behavior. A tribal outlook involves two things: establishing a hierarchy within your tribe (who outranks who), and also an awareness of who is in your tribe...and who isn’t. Not all humans focus on these traits- autistic people tend to be nonhierarchical, and I don’t think it’s just because we often aren’t socially successful, it’s more that hierarchy doesn’t resonate or make sense to many of us. We do want to be liked and be part of something, but generally not in a competitive way.
The good news: Sapolsky states that, in fact, the happiest members of a baboon tribe are not the high ranking individuals - their lives are actually very stressful, because they must constantly defend their rank, and will eventually lose it. The least stressed individuals are actually the ones who have no rank, and rather than striving to achieve it, keep a low profile and develop relationships with others who fall below the radar. They can live a far more peaceful and supported life.
That strikes me as what a lot of autistic people end up doing, and it’s validating to think this is in fact a winning strategy.
I can maintain friendships in a structured setting like school or work. Later, I've been told that is in fact, not being good at friendships. 😅
Similar here, although in my work I've got a major plus - four of my co-workers are also autistic
What, really? I can barely do that, fuck
@@laurencewinch-furness9450 That must be nice ☺️
Kind of similar experience here, but I don't feel it like an actual friendship, more so that they just tolerate me whilst they have to, but I cease to exist outside of that context. Like maybe they're getting married and I wasn't invited, or everyone got together to go lunch outside and I was left alone
@@amyscarlett5502 that has definitely happened to me as well 💙
Knowing where you struggle and thinking you have limitations to be a good best friend is so insightful. However, on the flipside, a good best friend accepts you for who you are, and since you see that in yourself, you would probably be very accepting of someone else who has the same struggles. No friendship whether neurodivergent or not, is void of miscommunications, misunderstandings, hardships, inequalities etc.
In my senior year the group of friends I thought I was close with wrote really short sentences in my yearbook. When they graduated (the other 3 in the group were younger than me) I found out they all wrote really long paragraphs in eachothers yearbooks instead of mine. It was a heart wrenching moment because I thought I finally found a group of friends.
I'm super late diagnosed woman at age 50, and really relate to this!! Especially the part about being easily manipulated. People look at you like you're crazy, because you "should be able to tell by now", since you're so "old", and should've known better. Yes, I've learned a Lot about manipulation, so I know when it's happening, but it STILL gets me. However, I recently met 2 other ND in a special interest group, so that gave me hope❤ I also literally speak it out into the energetic universe on a regular basis, on what I want/need to have in friends, and the manifestation of that was almost instant. Ask, and you WILL receive. Thank you SO much for your work here...it feels really good to be so validated ❤❤❤🥂💃
yea friendships are difficult, i basically have one friend, and even that friendship is not what people would normally call a friendship. we chat on the internet mostly, sometimes go for weeks or months without talking, saw him the other day for the first time in years, i have had close relationships with people but its not always the case and as stated often times it can be problematic if their intentions arent 100% good
Your videos are brilliant, thank you for making such helpful and honest content. My best friend is autistic, and everything you say always resonates with what they tell me and how they are, and your content really helps me to try to be the best friend I can for them like they are for me
I love "Muppet's Christmas Carol". It's my favorite Christmas Carol and my favorite Muppets. But there is one line that has always been a sore spot for me.
At the end (spoilers), during the "yay, Scrooge is good now" song, there's the line:
"And if you want to know,
the measure of a man,
you simply count his friends."
Growing up as a kid with pretty much no friends, that hurt.
Heck, as an adult with pretty much no friends, it still stings a bit.
...but but but - some people have a lot of friends, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're good people. (Cult leaders for example) This is a false narrative and I think you're safe to let it go. Catchy idea for the end of a show, but not a way to measure the value of a human being.
In d&d the characters are assigned values: strength, dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom, charisma. A character can score low in charisma, but high in other things and that's ok - even important to round out a d&d adventuring party. Anyway, alls I'm trying to say is, if we autistics are low in charisma, we make up for it with our intelligence and wisdom (special interests!) We're often highly compassionate and helpful people as well.
@@pleasepleasethebees You are right, but I think your view is in the minority.
Hi Morgan! Thank you so much for sharing! I don’t think I’ve ever felt so seen and understood. This is exactly how I’ve felt my entire life. I’m 24 years old with exactly zero friends and it’s so hard! I’m not diagnosed but pretty positive I have autism based on things I’ve heard and experienced and other diagnoses, and trying to figure how to be diagnosed is so difficult. I started watching you through shorts and you have helped me understand my self so much more.
Life is hard enough without being technically on the spectrum. I can barely imagine how much harder it is when you are. You do an excellent job giving me an idea though. You are a good person and you're smart and interesting and beautiful and so self aware. You deserve some really good close friends and I believe you will find some because I know they're out there.
04:33 this is sooo relatable i dont always know when people are being nice to me or if theyre using me also thanks for making this❤
I relate to so much of this. Fortunately I have friends I see regularly because of work, but I struggle to make those friendships deeper, especially when socializing takes so much energy.
I have this friend that I met on October, and ever since, I have grown more fond of him. I feel like I've fallen in love with him, but I also feel like it wouldn't work out, so I won't tell him what I feel for him.
But what amazes me is that I haven't experienced any romantic feelings since 2018 right up until a few weeks ago. After episodes of insomnia and depression, as well as having several autistic meltdowns on a daily basis, I felt like I had completely lost myself. But this person has made me happier and more confident, and so have other friends. I'm so grateful, I feel like they have helped me in recovering pieces of myself that I had lost.
I grew up in a very toxic friend group. I thought I would always be destined to be alone, have short-lasted friendships and slowly lose everyone in my life. I feel like for most allistic people, maintaining a friendship is something that's automatic. For me it's excruciatingly hard. I overthink everything or I'm completely oblivious about things.
I am a very passionate person towards the people I love and I don't want to lose them. I don't want to lose the happiness it brings me to be with those people. So whatever happens with this new friend, I really hope we stay in each others' lives.
Dang same here!! Every time Ive had feelings for someone after a while knowing them, i go into overload and I just know that I love them. Having never confessed to any of them cos I'm deeply socially awkward, I've realised in the end they were never meant to be. Too many differences, they changed who they were for someone else, or they've just disappeared from my life. Actually the last guy something did actually happen but luckily it didn't last long for 'reasons' but he was a jerk anyway so just as well.
I'm more worried about the capacity to make friends so it'll be impossible to make a romantic relationship last, let alone find a guy in the first place 😅 I'm 28.
I’m not sure this means you should tell them - but I felt this way about one of my friends and a few years in I finally told them. They just told me straight up that they didn’t feel the same way, but that I’m a great person and that they know someday I’ll find someone.
We are still really good friends now, she is probably my best friend. I think not a lot of people would have this type of response though, and it can still be hard sometimes for me to remember that we won’t be together.
@@sammumoo8186 That’s quite a journey! Glad you were able to tell him at least, I know not doing so weighed on me quite a bit. You made it through and hopefully one of them down the line will work out!
Aw Morgan, friendships can be really hard for many people, though obviously with autism there can be some different/additional challenges. Young girls can be notoriously socially mean and act this out in covert ways pretty often. NT people typically have at least some sense of whether there is rapport with a person (though often men misinterpret kindness for romantic/sexual interest - they tend to overestimate how interested a woman is). If there is a feeling of rapport, we might take steps to move the friendship forward, by inviting the person to do an activity or talk again. If one does not have a sense of rapport, or as much ability to read eye contact, etc., then you probably have to rely on verbal cues more. I would say it can be important to listen for things people have "bigger" feelings about - for example, if someone is worried about an upcoming job interview, or excited about a trip, or just feeling tired because they have a lot going on, just noting that, and following up with a text to check in can be really nice. For example, I might take the time to text "Good luck on your job interview today!!" or "Hey, I remembered you were going on that trip for the weekend, was it fun?" Even if we don't become friends, it is a kind thing to do, and it can also be a little step to show care which can build a friendship by keeping the communication open over time.
5:30 This section broke my whole heart man..
The worst part is when you actually start to buy into it being your fault somehow😔 I don't have friends rn outside of my bf who is extremely straightforward + says exactly what he thinks/feels. I think its why i instantly felt safe around him; he never says anything in order for me to like him. Even if it may hurt my feelings in the moment, he is never rude, but knows how important his transparency is to me, bc adhd/autism + history of being used in girl circles 😮💨
P.s. SO extremely proud of you for the self love you show in yourself by realizing your worth by waiting for people who love you for you, exactly the way you are, being Morgan♡
Thank you for being open about this. I know it was hard for you. This 100% describes the struggles I've had my entire life. Recently I've tried explaining to my closer friends my struggles with making friends, but I've never really been able to get my point across. They see that I'm social and have people to hang out with at times, and so think these are true friends. The truth is that I'm masking so highly, and holding myself back, so I never really get close with people, despite wanting to. It doesn't help that if I unmask, people usually run
Damn you really got me with the "I'm easily manipulated if you're close to me, bc I believe you"...
I low key realized that last week and now that you describe it, it hits.
i'm autistic and i choose not to make friends in real life and i am single by choice. i just cannot trust anyone,i always assume people are out to do me harm. it seems like whatever friends i did have have died, went to prison or they have turned against me.i stopped trying to find in years ago. i just be myself i'm not changing for anyone
When I realized my mom and sister weren’t being good friends to me and told them they started treating me even worse. Now I don’t talk to them and they were my only friends. P.s. the two different paint swatches remaining on your wall is oddly comforting
Hello stranger on the internet.
What are you doing to compensate for this happening to your life?
@@judas611 I am focusing on what I have around me and enjoying those things instead. It’s hard to always remain focused on the good and not dwelling but I’ve been admittedly happier. Thanks for asking!
I have autism and I'd love to be your friend 💕
I relate to most everything you said , its so hard for me to make friends, my thing is making work friends into real friends, I always misread people 😢
I can count on one hand (not including the thumb) the number of friends I had in my younger years, before age 24.
I feel more comfortable around groups of younger adults (early 20s) and the much older group (my parents age and older). I certainly don't feel comfortable around people in my age bracket.
I'd like to create a forum in the future ... where we could make long-distance friendships, but also find similar people nearby ...
Thank
You for sharing this. My 10 yr old autistic daughter is massively struggling with friendships. I’m going to show her she’s not alone. You’re so brave xx
You just explained most of how i felt growing up in a single video.... love your content. You are helping someone that is slowly discovering that he might be autistic, and for that I thank you!
The part about a group where everyone is closer with each other and you're just there resonated so much with me. I recently had a person tell me "you don't consider us your friends", and it felt weird. Because I don't consider them "not my friends", but it made me realize they think I do. So it explains the whole experience of me being comfortable with them, since all relations are surface level / casual at that point, then starting to feel left out because I don't develop deeper connections with them, and that snowballing into not being considered when making plans. But then they'll say they're happy I could join them for some plan, and I feel I'm just sent to the starting line again, only to repeat the loop.
Love your videos. I don't think I'm necessarily autistic (although there's some neurodivergence definitely going on in here), and they help me see some of my experiences through a different lens and put it into words. I'm all here for your autistic confessions!
oh yes i felt a lot of this, i thankfully dont have much experience with socialization burnout (as least as i know of) but struggling with making friends has always been an issue with me and i would constantly get taken advantage of (mainly one time in 2020 where someone guilt tripped me into sending $1200) and i would have my occansional moments of feeling left out especially if it feels like sometimes people i work with talk more to others than to me and the worst part of being autistic is if i can never tell if someone is mad or furious with me or if they have an issue with me unless they say something about it and then they get mad and angry when i don't pick up on it with how "obvious" it was instead of just flat out telling me if i'm doing this or that wrong, apparently we live in a society where people just say vague things and expect you to get it which made things so frustrating and it can cause huge anxiety and overthinking to happen
Thanks. I really don’t have anyone that can keep a deep connection in person. I have long distance friendship, I text this friend often but yeah. A lot of this resonated with me. What about relationships/ couple stuff? What about career and the idea of isolation? I do photography but I’m good with nature… but at some point I have to do wedding photography or portrait which is very much social.
I cannot tell you how much you’ve helped me as I’m seeking a diagnosis. You have processed things in a way that I couldn’t. It’s extremely important to break these things down for a potential diagnosis bc I have decent social skills. I’ve always struggled with friendship and I know my motives and I think I’m a good friend and I don’t understand why people don’t like me? I know that sounds narcissistic but I just know me. I was manipulated and bullied too. And when people eventually pulled away in high school, I couldn’t tell if it was bc they didn’t like me or because we didn’t have the same classes and just didn’t have time, etc. But the sidekick/cheerleader thing… 😭🤯 yes. It seems like I’m the supporting actress in everyone’s story. The weird, quirky, girl with good intentions who no one really hangs out with but is just…there. It seems like I just exist for other people. It sucks. I’m 38 and have never been diagnosed yet everyone knows I’m different. Things people will do when they find out you see the good in others bc you know your own issues/motives is so stupid and evil. When you talk about someone telling you that you did or said something wrong and you absolutely didn’t- felt that too. Like people legitimately hated me for some reason but those aren’t friends, hon. Those are toxic people in any setting. In fact, something that truly helped me is both studying antisocial/manipulative behaviors for years and then dialogue and body language analysis. I have pretty good instincts about what someone is feeling or if something is “off” but I’m not great at seeing it in real time. You deserve good friends. I’ve done kind of a stereotypical thing and made friends through Reddit bc I CAN observe that type of communication and analyze it in real time. I hate going out though bc it’s absolutely exhausting. The social hangover is 1,000% real. 🤣 That has affected my friendships as well. You should def do more of these videos! Including Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome! My mom is figuring out that she may be autistic too and she has Raynaud’s and I might too. So many co-occurring issues! You’re helping so many, Morgan! I’m amazed people never diagnosed me before this. I have a whole burnout story too. Lots of bullying during that time and then I was able to get disability… So, keep going!!! You’re amazing!❤
Also…sorry for oversharing. 😬
As someone with developmental dyspraxia, I struggled making friends all the way up until 7th grade. I am a twin and my sisters friends were the only people who would be cool with me. In that time, I spent learning a lot about my passion in football and in 7th grade, people found out and I became popular almost overnight. A lot of people who once would make jokes about me or pay no attention to me ended up being the ones that looked out for me more than anyone. This did wonders for me even once I graduated from high school and moved to college out of state and I made friends just being myself and I am an extremely social person now. I count my blessings that I got lucky and I am sorry to hear about your struggles but I appreciate you sharing them.
i'm a 24 year old undiagnosed autistic (I have heavily weighed the pros and cons of seeking official diagnose but for my career plans and life goals it's just not feasible for me to do so without being heavily restricted) - this video brought tears to my eyes, I frequently find myself looking back at my early experiences and I feel so heartbroken for child me struggling to make friends. I realise it now but I had the same experiences where I was "part of" a group without realising I was being made fun of and ridiculed by them all. I have a best friend but she is my only real friend and honestly I'm so thankful that we met! Over the last 5 years though, with university and full-time work, we've spent increasingly more time apart and so we've learned how to transfer socialisation into more digital forms and I've found it so much less taxing on the social battery (always felt so guilty for feeling that way, especially with her because I love being around her but everyone drains me in some way) - thank you for making these videos, they truly help me in feeling less alone in my experiences, i find a tremendous amount of comfort in them
Another amazing video, thank you for sharing, my daughter struggles with friendship so much, this really helps me understand more the difficulties and obstacles and also why if we are a lone we are not always lonely. Lots of love to you (friendly kind!).
Why is this exactly the same for me like people don’t like me for me well enough ❤
I follow u also I’m not trying to be THAT PERSON but just saying
Nearly 44 and no friends here either, also on the spectrum. I've just been educating myself (my whole life) instead of hanging out with people. I'd like some friends, but all I care about is physics, philosophy, and progressing society past the cul de sac it seems to be stuck in. Vast majority of people aren't into that. Once people are old enough to get married though, the window for friends is pretty much closed. That's around 30ish, generally speaking. It's all down hill from there. I think younger people on the spectrum should set a priority of getting themselves a place to live that's paid for, before they get too old and start losing job after job for simply being themselves.... and the economy and housing keeps getting worse. Honestly, I think the younger generations are screwed on owning any property, for the most part, and especially so if they're on the spectrum.
I always got “phase” friendship, no connection that stick through time, no regrets whatsoever except i look like a bad person to other people… i have 1 autistic bestfriend (10 years anniversary) and its the only friendship i kept, i always made friendships in jobs and school, because i’m friendly and sociable (I’m masking obviously to get through the day) and they want to go get coffee, partying, do something after work, invite me to their home and i just always felt and still feel so uncomfortable… l can’t because our friendship is built off my mask, and i feel no connection…. I don’t have the energy to take care of friendships and always want to be on my own anyway… i feel like because of my masking and making friends in my early 20s, i ruined my autistic alone-me time that i could’ve had … all the stuff i could’ve made because i’m very artistic… it’s crazy because now i get told “you need friends, you cant live your life alone, you need to share with people “ I DID AND IT RUINED ME, I LOST MYSELF AND IT WAS USELESS… i need neurodivergent friends… i know it’s discrimination towards neurotypical, but i don’t connect with you, and you connecting with me is cringing my whole body, i feel in a cage. Try talking about depression to a neurotypical; “don’t say that”, “aww i feel sorry for you”, “this is too heavy to handle”, or feel awkward… my neurodivergent friend will just say silly stuff, dark humour, laughing, relating to it… we can interrupt the other, jumping on another random topic without offending the other…. DONT DO THAT TO NEUROTYPICAL … they get angry real fast
yessss omgosh awesome it's not just me that's so over it. I love what you said about how you have no connection to these people like coworkers and stuff because they connected with ur mask, not the real you. That is exactly how I feel. Like people trying to befriend me makes me cringe all over my body, just like u said. Thx for your insight!
You are definitely not alone. I’m male and in my sixties and my friend situation is dire. Partly due to social anxiety that has grown paralyzing over decades, and this has a lot to do with what you described, an inability to tell what I should or shouldn’t say to someone. And yes, I have no capacity to tell if someone is a friend or acquaintance, except in my case I generally default to assuming acquaintance in all situations. This has to do with my inability to understand why anyone would care if they ever saw me again or not - a combination of connection issues and what an ADHD UA-camr describes as object permanence issues applied to people, out of sight out of mind. It was easier to have friends when I was in public school, because we were in proximity by default.
My first friend was a childhood playmate that was an arranged thing, as you describe, not surprising at preschool age. From there I became a serial monogamist in primary school, one friend at a time, and we would hang out together, but one on one, not in a group. I never liked social groups, partly because it was too many elements to navigate, and partly because boys at least can be jerks in groups. I have followed enough autistic women Vloggers now to realize that sadly, girls can be too. It may even be worse, which has been a revelation for me, as I’ve had pretty serious gender self hate most of my life.
I never planned the monogamy, but looking back, I think I could almost offer this as a tip: one on one may be more workable for people on the spectrum. The down side is that when I lose a friend, it’s a bigger deal, more like a marriage breaking up. And having few friends makes me more vulnerable to serious isolation and lack of support. Which is why I’m a UA-cam oversharer, trying to get the human connection I don’t get in real life anymore.
Are you artistic?
I ask because I wonder if most artistic people are like this and if it’s a blessing in disguise because we end up with much more time to be creative than neurotypical people.
@RhymeandRambling Yes, I suppose I am. I spent a whole lot of time as a kid, in my room, drawing. I don’t think I was ever that talented, but I did it a lot, and so got tolerable. Being able to draw masked some other things; I was not as much of an outsider in school as I would have been otherwise, though I could tell the difference between people liking my drawings and liking me. And it gave me a vocation that involved showing a portfolio rather than doing job interviews. I used to joke that I became a commercial artist because I was otherwise unemployable, but in retrospect it wasn’t much of a joke. (The only thing my academic history was ever good for was supporting my ADHD diagnosis. No risk of “you can’t have ADHD, you did too well in school.”)
Drawing did run in the family on my father’s side, which is the most suspiciously autistic side. My father was almost certainly autistic. My grandfather might have been. My great grandfather died before I was born, but based on what I know he could have been.
Are you artistic as well?
@@jimwilliams3816 Yes I am as well. Your comment helped me make that connection between friend struggles and artistic talent. It’s something I’ve thought of in the past but haven’t fully embraced until recently. I’ve always thought I should have more friends so I haven’t invested in the solitude needed to pursue my art. For me it’s creative writing. I think making this connection will help a lot, embracing monogamous friendship as you succinctly put it.
That’s great you’ve been able to be a commercial artist and interesting about how the talent ran through autistic family members.
sidekick syndome is what i call it XD
Hey Morgan, thanks for raising this topic. I'm 39 and have high-functioning autism. I'm great at masking and it does take a lot of energy. I have 1 best friend who I'm really close with. I've known him for 16 years now and we bonded over similar interests. For us that's PC & board games, and TTRPGs. I completely get what it's like trying to make friends, everything you've described I can relate to, especially when I've been trying to find a girlfriend.
My advice is to just go to activities and do things you enjoy doing. Find like-minded people and you'll hopefully find people you can bond with over your shared interests. And from there if you find yourself drawn to one or two specific people who you engage with regularly maybe try to connect with them outside of those activities. That's how my friendship grew organically. Maybe that'll help.
I’m not sure if I’m autistic yet (I mean basically every experience I’ve read or heard has something I relate to) but this is just like, the most interesting and relatable thing I’ve seen. I’ve always tried to make myself like and understand and follow what the others in the groups liked and did, and struggled so much that at the end I broke. And when I finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore basically it meant the friend group excluded me from everything. The best thing? I was so all right with that because at that point I was exhausted. I was burnt out because of school and because of these people. Also I had extreme fatigue caused by chronic illness(es) and didn’t know at the time. High school was true hell. Thanks fo sharing this, it makes us feel less alone. ❤
Socialising is too tiring to be in the to do list. Just… I either shower or go out. Both is just impossible. 😅
This is a mood. Good video, can very much relate to every single moment in it.
I have struggles with friends too. Up till year 5 i had them fine. My mum hot me a friend before school (one of her friends kids) and we went to nursery together. This enabled me to find another one too while being there before the first one left and i went up with the second one. I then made friends through that person and went up with them again and now thanks to that person my bestie is who i made friends with in reception and we still besties now
This popped up in my recommendations, Im also autistic and i've struggled with friendships over the years, and i definitely relat to all of these. I struggle to keep friends. Good video!! thank you for what you are doing!!!
I have problems making friends but in a different way. As an autistic person, I only have problems making friends because of miscommunication. I'm always misunderstood a lot. I am very deep minded, when I become friends with someone I prefer those deep conversations. However, most kids my age aren't like that so it's hard for me to make friends because of that. I also have trust issues, so that's another big role in why I don't have any friends. I'm also socially awkward. I think I'm great at conversating I just don't know how to get a conversation going and I'm not great at conversating with people I don't trust or don't know. I'm mostly not great at making friends because of past experiences really. I'm often misunderstood because of how I react to things. Such as this one time in school we were learning a subject in a different method than I was used to, so I think I was saying something like "But I remember it going like this-" and for some reason the teachers would take it as being argumentative. By kids my age I'm often misunderstood because of how serious I am and how different I am. Because of my autism I am very sensitive to crowds, loud noises, and bright lights so I get overwhelmed very easily and sometimes it just causes me to have a mental breakdown out of nowhere and since it's out of nowhere no one understands and just thinks I'm overreacting because of something they said.
I thank you sooo much for your videos!❤❤❤ My daughter is newly diagnosed at 15. She ended up in a mental health facility for depression, now know it is Autistic Burnout.🙂 You have helped us both understand so much about her life and how to help her. We could never thank you enough. You are very brave!
I experience friendship more as some sort of vibes. If I define friendship as not minding your presence 80% of my time because you are cool, sharing an interest and tolerant for stims, a lack in social skills and stuff. If so, you are so rare that you may as well be a friend. If I get some sort of weird excitement from your presence, I learned to become suspicious because this excitement might not be a good excitement if this makes sense
I'm sorry you went through that Morgan. Good Luck & Stand Strong
As a child, I had a lot of really bad friendships. I did not realize until much later that all the people I thought were my friends were not my friends. Now though I have an amazing group of neurodivergent and (mostly) queer people. I'm still not the best at those kinds of things but I'm trying and with people who also understand me.
I was talking about this yesterday! How I never have made a friend, they kinda made me as a friend
Hi, Morgan! I just want to say that I l’ve just found your channel and think you are a lovely person. I’m still only self diagnosed, but your videos have been helping me a lot. Thank you for putting in the effort and making such good and inclusive content!
Recommendations for learning how to recognize red flags, communicate effectively, set healthy boundaries, and find healing: Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud
Nonviolent Communication by George Ratson
YT channel: The Royal We
Your videos are information rich. I may have to watch this one again and write some essays in here. I'll definitely want to watch again in order to digest the information more thoroughly. There were all kinds of places where I said, "Wait, how do you know? How can *I* know?" "Am I doing that?" "Do I experience that?" I need to watch this all over again.
If I said I'd like to be your friend, would that pick up your mood? I mean it. I would.
Essaying time. I wrote all this and did not edit. If it's too long to read, I won't hold it against you.
You made me stop and think: have I ever had a best friend? Like, really? Maybe. I've been married. I think that counted. Other than that, what about in the absence of romantic relationships? (Tangent: Do I reach for romantic or amorous relationships more readily than other kinds?) I think there have been lots of times when I didn't have any real close friends. And my parents' admonishing me to "get some friends" sure didn't help. There were people I was friend-ly with, but things just didn't seem to fit. Getting close to people is hard. Do I have a best friend now? You know... I think I might. I can think of two friends in particular. But they're far away.
It didn't help that I grew up so far away from aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. when I was a kid. I wish I could have grown up with my cousins. It's easier that way.
They certainly do ostracize us for not having friends, don't they? And they expect you to have a friend network you can rely on in times of need. "You'll be fine. Just call on your friends." What friends?
I got one for you: Do you know why they made two versions of the Pokémon games? So you would have to buy both games, buy two game consoles, and trade with yourself. That is why they did it. "Freends"? What are "freends"?
And they wouldn't leave you alone. By which I mean me. They wouldn't leave ME alone. Oh, it's hard for you? You'd rather just stick to your schoolwork, and not worry about socializing? WE know what will help! We'll ignore how hard it is, and PRESSURE you to be more extroverted! You have to enjoy the things we TELL you to enjoy! You're a workaholic and we want you to be a kidaholic! That last sentence is a DIRECT QUOTE! And to the lady who said that to me, wherever you are, YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY.
So now I've started making meme images. The kidaholic one is one that I did today. A few weeks ago I did one with a hand holding some crab crackers. It says, "You need to come out of your shell. This is for your own good." It's a small way of firing back at all the people throughout my life who wouldn't leave me alone.
Now, conversationally, I am the opposite of you. I can have a deep conversation. I can listen to someone tell me their deepest, most painful traumas, and I can be fully engaged. But surface level stuff, oh brother! How do I do that dance? Do I need to keep the conversation going? Is silence bad? Am I losing them if there's silence? Are they counting on me to keep the conversation alive? Do they want the conversation to end, and will they not like it if I try to keep it going? How does anyone DO this?
Now here's the thing. You're saying that people are talking to you just to be nice, and you think they want to be friends, and you overshare, and you end up driving them away. Is that what's really happening? How do you know? DO you know? Because if you do, teach me the secret, because I sure don't. I have no idea how receptive people will be to my sharing. I don't know where the line is, and I never know when I might blow it.
Same with the alternate circumstance, where they want to be friends and you don't see it. How do you know? Because I don't know.
You know, in spite of it, I do make real connections with some people. But what if sometimes when I think I do, I'm wrong? Because I've had experiences that have shaken my trust. But still, I've had some good experiences, too. I've connected with some people in genuine ways. And it feels so good to be in that place with someone.
All this text and we're not even two minutes in!!!
I relate to this thing you're saying now. I believe people. And I will do much for them. There are limits, but I will do much. And yes, I second guess myself so much about whether I am doing or saying the right things. And if people tell me I blew it, a lot of the time I will believe them, because I don't know what blowing it necessarily looks like, and I've blown it before and really upset people in the past without knowing what I was doing, so whatever may have just happened could be just another one of those cases. It can be hard for me to stop, evaluate, and say "This was not my fault."
I don't think that I have been close enough to a lot of people for them to manipulate and gaslight me. But you're making me wonder now. I don't think it happened. But if it did, would I know?
But then again, friendships lasting for years and years are rare. But I'm starting to have some.
I'm sorry people have been so unkind to you. You didn't deserve it.
I relate to the dilemma of what to do with bad friendships. Some words from a song ("Mimi Gets Mad") have often come into my mind: "It's not very pretty, but it's absolutely true That I'm still the best that she can do." I have sometimes found myself on the opposite side of the equation. Sometimes I had friends that weren't so great, but they were the best that I could do.
You have what-what syndrome? Eller-Stanlaugh? Let me Google. Ah. Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. Ok, I see.
I don't like going out into the world either. That's where I make mistakes and people reject me. Why would I want to go there? Oh yeah. Because the alternative is really lonely.
How do we make new friends? Online might be a good place to start. Communities where we have shared interests, and the screen to shield us.
I'm thinking about these socialization hangovers you speak of. I mean, so much of the time, I have very little energy, and I want to withdraw into myself, and I don't even know why. I think that a lot of growing up, for people like me, means learning not to listen to ourselves. So it's hard to learn to listen now. But I'm learning. So I'm going to have to wonder now whether socialization hangovers happen to me.
Keep the confessions coming, because you're making really good videos. And feel free to be in touch, as much or as little as you like. The S at the end of my name is for Sincere, because that's a quality I make an effort to cultivate. A lot of the time, the sincere person is the person you need. Someone who will sit with you during difficult times and genuinely care. Someone who will let themselves be vulnerable, and share things they're feeling, and really mean it.
Girl, you are the best! Both me and my husband are quite social people and we have an autistic son. Your videos help me a lot in understanding him, his struggles (he had had an autistic meltdown a few days ago because of social interaction and I didn’t know exactly what happened, but now I see it more clearly). Keep up with this channel because your voice is heard much more than you can imagine. My child cannot hear you now (he doesn’t understand English yet), but I hear you and I will try my best to show him that life is awesome even if the society was designed for people slightly different than him. Besides, you, as well as him, show me how awesome are autistic people. Thank you!
Just sharing, but I actually made a best friend back in elementary. We were both in special Ed, and he had ADHD and I had Autism and ADHD. We had a lot of common interests, he was a grade older. We became best friends 6 years ago, even though that might not seem a lot for some people. We’re still best friends till this day. Basically don’t let autism hold you back, just try your best.
10:42 Socialization hangovers are intense! It gets easier. Basically, it's a workout as you are developing those skills and getting more accustomed to spending longer periods of time around people who you don't already know intimately for a long time. Keep going as your stamina will incease.
This is legit. Being in the workplace IRL taught me that it is possible to grow more comfortable socially, that social skills can be trained like a muscle (which ironically should illustrate the effort it takes; being NT must be like being born socially jacked, while the rest of us have to train our way up). Some might argue that this is technically masking, but I would say as long as you're being authentic, it's not really masking, just building up your social comfort and tolerance.
It was only when COVID hit that I realized how much I had been unconsciously "training", and how socially out of shape I got hahaha
@@nonamelegend_vapor Absolutely, I agree with you 100%. I picked these up from Couchsurfing, going to Meetup events, and later hosting events and volunteering.
It's very different from socialization for school because I am actively and consciously choosing to be in these social settings. I can just as easily isolate as none of these people have any other forms of access to my regular life beyond me wanting to be present then and there. It is very draining at first, but it's definitely working the "muscles for social comfort and tolerance," even with people you get along with great. And to follow up with what you said, it's minimal masking beyond being polite to brand new strangers because I am constantly checking in with myself if I do want to further engage in a specific conversation with the person in front of me or if I want to move on to the next group or if I just want to listen or change the topic. Keeping your cool and staying authentic is key. It's only an issue if you're feeling super overwhelmed and engage in some form of overt stimming behavior, which for that you can switch to more subtle ones or excuse yourself and go for a lap outside the building to destress from a sensory overload (from a crowded bar or strong smells due to some people vaping or something).
I'm not sure if my friendships were manipulative, but they surely all ended quickly or didn't even start. I used to think as a kid: "These two girls really like Harry Potter, so if I read Harry Potter, they will like me." And I did just that, but they rejected me because their friendship wasn't based only on Harry Potter. Similar things happened multiple times, sometimes I had friends but once that mutual interest in something ended for them, they would be gone too.
I actually went to many different after school activities or social gatherings for teens to make friends, I never realized how draining that was. As a kid and teen, all I wanted was a friend...
Now I'm working in a even more draining job with a lot of client contact and social interaction. When I get home after working my 8 hours, I'm so tired that I can't really do anything anymore. On top of that, I work 6 days, so I can only rewind on Sunday and that's not enough. I always feel like I'm overreacting, because I tell myself it's not that bad. I also don't have the energy to find a new job right now, that would mean new place, new schedule, new people.
I still would like to have genuine friends, but outside of my job I can't bring myself to meet new people, only for things to repeat themselves like in school.
I struggle with friendships too. I've had two best friends in my 38 years, but one grew apart, and the other dumped me because I admit that I pushed too hard at one point. I work as an instrumental music teacher in my school district, and as such, I float between two buildings during the week. It has its pros and cons, but one of the cons is that I don't get many opportunities to become part of any one school community (i.e. develop friends). I've been part of my church choir for eight years now, and I'm friendly with the other people there, but I'm not friends with anyone. My husband (who was officially diagnosed on the spectrum at 2) and I both feel quite lonesome many days.
This is the story of my life. Well, more or less. I had a true friend group in high school, but work drains me so much I don't have the energy to keep in touch anymore. On top of that, my job is teaching, so that drains mental energy and social battery at the same time, I am exhausted even without a full time workload. But capitalism forces me to keep burning myself out. It sucks because I'm trapped. And I'm undiagnosed so my family doesn't get my struggles.
Gonna be so for real rn. I have not wanted friends anymore for many years. I used to want friends probably until age 21 or so. And then idk if it's because of all the bully friends i made my whole life before that or what... but now I do not want friends. Like at all. Like please leave me alone frfr. I guess that prolly sounds unhealthy, but im so for real. Like i do not want another friend. Ever again. Ever. XD Anyone else feel this way? Also do not give me ur unsolicited advice please, I cannot be any more real that I do not want friends and I think that's fine. I don't feel defective or anything, just done with friendship. Gratefully done. Ok that's my ted talk ya'll, hope it wasnt too much. I may change my mind someday, but this is my reality rn.
Could you make a video of your experience dating as an autistic person? I know you've mentioned before that you have a boyfriend, and I'm curious what that relationship dynamic is like for you. My dating experiences as an autistic person have ranged from not great to absolutely horrible lol
Idk really how to talk. Like what do you talk about? Logically, I could probably think about an infinite amount of things by making subsets inside subsets but it always feels like I'm missing something. Plus I always have to do the talking for some reason. It's probably because most people mainly think about themselves and what they can get out of a set of relations. I do sometimes also feel like I'm going insane which does not help. Existence is really tiring.
Hi.
33 year old male. Diagnosed at 27.
I want you to know that if you are not bullsh***ing to get attention, what you are doing is very brave and admirable.
Have a good one
My best friend is also neurodivergent and that is, i think, the key. We sometimes dont talk for weeks because we both struggle with social demands and consistency. And sometimes we have 4-5 hour long phone calls to body double long distance.
Reflecting back at the end of my twenties I realize almost no one I was friends with was actually my friend. There are exceptions, but all of them including my best friend are also late-diagnosed ADHD or ASD. I was always the useful person to have around, or a flattering shadow, or the "entertainment", or sometimes the punching bag. Finally in my mid twenties I started to learn how to create better boundaries for myself and the bad friendships dwindled, but finding good ones and being able to actually cultivate that is hard as hell. I've moved a lot throughout my life, I lived in 5 states and went to 9 different schools, practice does not make perfect. You just have to keep rolling the dice.
Can u talk about the general school experience while being autistic? I'm a minor who might be autistic and I'm homeschooled but I have been to actual school before and I want to know what it was like for u growing up. For me it hasn't been the best, I actually got really overwhelmed today and couldn't do the normal amount of subjects that I normally do. I cried really really hard after only doing one subject because one of my new workbooks is confusing me, like a lot but I hate asking for help so I just cried really hard. I know that sounds immature, but I can't help it, like seriously, I can't control when I cry, or what I cry about. When I went to school last year and previous years I also had a lot of bullies for friends. In 5th grade a while back I had one friend, and I was mostly ok with it, and in earlier years I've had a lot of friends betray me, and honestly one of my friends now still does, she is a little toxic but I don't wanna let her go bc then I would only have one friend and then I would really have to go out and make more, and I don't want to do that. But, what was school like for u growing up?
I am being tested for audhd and I was just going to suggest to you to join a pottery or art class to meet new people. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It’s so similar to mine. I wonder if a 1-2 hour class once a week or every other week would be a good way of building those social reps. I’m planning on doing the same.
Each time I go out its horrible. I just realised that most of people they just really like surface level conversations no stop. I mean, I understand ,we dont know each other so the social norm is to ask where I am from, whats my job and bullshit like this. The problem is that most people stick with such questions no stop for hours and I find it draining. Sometimes, I try to make some joke to deviate from this stupid questions or to be sarcastic a bit but people just dont get it like they are focused on the script to be the kind and nice person which results them to be boring and comformist. Its painful.
Never let it just happen. Stick up for yourself. Find autistic friends. Life is easier cause they all get it and don't have to explain themselves.
I don’t know if this helps at all, but this is a situation many neurotypical people find themselves in as well. There are many ways to feel different, and all of those things can leave us wondering if we will ever make a lasting friend. Most of us have friends for a season, not a BFF.
I'm obviously biased in favor of you because I'm also neuraly divergent but i think you're real and people suck and are shallow so they probably resent you for being a real one.
stumbled across your channel, and really appreciate you sharing your story! thanks!
Could you show your fidget toys? I'm still searching for me. The one I try didn't fit.
I'm a high masking 50yr old woman, autism was NOWHERE on my radar until age 49 (because I fundamentally misunderstood what it was & no other family members with the diagnosis, which is a whole other story of course)
2 months ago, along with the other Everest-scale avalanches of comprehension that started rolling over me when I finally put it together that I was autistic, I realized why I'd always struggled making lasting friendships.
I think that at least for me, my masking made people uncomfortable because I *emptied* myself of *myself* (because my natural self was clearly unacceptable) but didn't know how to fill in the blanks of the mask in interactions.
If you have no strong opinions/preferences and only ever want to do what other people want to do and your personality is just "good grades and piano lessons and Being Nice" etc, I think it probably elicits one of two reactions in NT people -
1) you're not interesting because there's insufficient "you" being shared
and/or
2) the odd gaps & missing pieces in the personality you've tried to put together (even if they're only teeny tiny gaps) can leaves NTs sort of uneasy or uncomfortable. Most of them might not even consciously recognize why. For me, by junior high, I'd largely managed to self-edit and delete anything WEIRD out of my public behaviour (oof, at great cost to myself), but that didn't mean I knew how to create a mask that would be experienced as a whole and authentic person, by NTs.
So people might have wanted to get to know me, and I'd be happy to have a new friend, and they'd invest however much time getting to know me (& I'd be getting to know them) but there would always be something missing for them, no matter how hard I was trying to perform the "getting to know a person" process. Inevitably, we'd reach a point where they were unsatisfied with what I could bring to the table (or I was too intende maybe, if we shared an interest that was a special interest for me) but because being nice was such a core aspect of the person I was trying to be, it never resulted in any, like, conflicts. They'd start being busy with something else I wasn't involved in, and I'd be sad they were more interested in other friends, and I'd rotate to another part of the group of friends they'd brought me into.
At any rate, it's all a moot point now because I've been through 2 decades of INTENSE cascades of burnouts and increasing skill loss, leading up to the realization that it's autism (been on Disability for bioplar for 19.5 yrs because of it... yes, there IS bipolar, but I'm 100% certain the disability is down to catastrophic collapsing under the weight of my mask). Huge amounts of my executive functioning is haywire now, and while I still really really enjoy people, I don't have the mental/emotional energy/resilience to sustain much interaction. I definitely don't have the energy to bring to a friendship, what a friendship requires.
Luckily, I've also discovered over the last... maybe 15 years, that I love my own company, and for the most part I don't feel lonely living with my dog, 2 cats, and 9 chickens.
(Uh, the chickens live in a chicken coop outside of course. But they're part of my little community)
I agree with you. I’m 40. Listening to my very similar teen daughter going through highschool brings back lots of memories where I realised I was doing the same thing. No opinions, nice to everyone, just a blank, unoffensive girl who eventually got forgotten. Girls don’t gravitate to the “nicest”, they gravitate to the one with the strongest personality. I was very scared of rocking the boat in any sense but had no respect. The girls in my group that had the most respect and attention were the ones that would lose their shit if someone wronged them. I met up with them as adults and was relieved. They have kept the same high school heirarchy, still talk badly of each other behind their backs, etc.
Oh my goodness, Morgan, you have just bravely and clearly described my entire life's experience with friendship. Thank you for tackling this hard-to-talk-about topic. Bottom line- It's Hard!! In my life, I have had many many of those surface type friendly relationships, many good as they are, but they do fade. My best anchors so far, friendship-wise, are continuing to work on being my own loving, non-critical best friend (it's hard!)- and I do have a couple of (I'm sure neurodivergent) friends I have met over the years at my jobs, and while our friendships are erratic and wacky, they are what I imagine true friends are- my tribe I guess. They drive me crazy at times and are not necessarily easy to be with (we don't see each other often)...but I imagine it's the same for them with me! Anyway, thank you again for this GREAT video- you rock!
Super anxious and autistic here, I definitely feel that I can relate to not knowing if people consider me a friend or not. I have suuuuper bad imposter syndrome and often very much worry that people are nice to me but don't actually view me as worth anything.
It is next to impossible for me to make new friends as well.
I think one big issue is most likely due to my autism and adhd I'm very much interested in "my thing" and nothing else. Other people are open to change and variable interests where I'm more "I am intensely hyperfocused in ONE/a few interests"
Sidenote I'm very easily exhausted by socializing and I'm an introvert.
It feels nice at the least to watch this and feel less alone with the experiences
Always struggled to make friends as a teenager. However, I have one best friend I met at university, and we currently meet only once a week - it's perfect for us! I count my lucky stars for her because otherwise I think I would be considered a "loner" by most people. As I get older, I'm finding it easier to make and maintain friendships somehow, but communicating with them throughout the week really falls down my list of priorities. Maybe that's just an introversion thing?
Well it sounds like we have had very similar life experiences. I Also struggle with communication and checking in on people and such. I have always been a social drifter. Definitely had people who manipulated me in high school. I have trust issues now. Let's be friends! It'll be easy, we'll just not change anything! Sounds perfect. /s
Okay, my dark sense of self deprecating humor might have actually hurt me this time...
It’s very interesting, I had several best friends but only one at any point of my life 🤔
i cannot emphasize enough how much i needed this video. even so many videos about being autistic & navigating friendship are focusing on trying to change ourselves to be "better" at friendship and socializing but recently i was venting to my therapist about how i feel broken, sometimes even like a bad person for not being able to keep up with it & feeling like maybe.. i don't even want it (a thriving social life& more than like.. 1-2 friends) and she absolutely blew my mind by telling me i don't need to prioritize those things if i don't want to- in fact i shouldn't cuz it's clearly harming me & it was so... enlightening & i'm in this similar place of learning to accept myself, i'm still working on it and it's hard especially figuring out how to communicate that i can't be what certain people want me to be but i know it'll all be worth it (would love to hear u talk about how you're navigating being clear about your limits & what you can & cannot do, setting boundries and accomadating urself- its so hard i've been so deeply engrained to people please)
thanks for this. I struggle. I have good friends. But I'm so highly masked. My current city social scene is cruel to neurodiverse women. Lately I feel like making friends online because there are more people like me.
Omg I can relate soo much to this, I thought it was just me. Thank you so much for this video❤
I can't tell if my whole friend group is autistic or they just accepted I am low-key (not diagnosed but everyone told me I am and I think I am too but my therapist said it's just anxiety)
There are bunch of them self named asd-s today, i can't tell for sure whether they are or not
Sis my only best friend is my husband. I have some other close friends I’m comfortable with, but I don’t think they would call me their bestie 😭😭
I thought I found my best friend last year but we both ran into the issue of “we’re super busy with working and don’t have energy or time to hang out because we’re exhausted all the time.” And now we’re not speaking with each other. 😢
Friendships and deepening them have been hard for me. Thank you for sharing this video
I’m not sure if you’ll see this, but I’d be 100% up for connecting and building a friendship with you! I followed you on TikTok first and then subscribed here. You’ve helped me understand so many things and given me so many needed perspectives. Also I’ve been through a similar journey with friendships.