Any time anyone criticizes me in a rude or unempathetic way I feel so much shame for anything I could have done wrong at any point. It makes me feel worthless and it physically hurts even if I know the criticism isn’t the end of the world
It’s something that I struggle with but it has helped me to consider that the people that do that are broken too. It’s not really about me. They’re projecting and as an empath and abuse survivor, I’m an easy target. We can’t change their behavior but we can work on our own perspective of it. I hope that makes sense.
Sometimes it's good to speak to the person in a respectful way, as in, "I feel that your criticism of me was overly harsh. Do you have a way to give me more helpful feedback?"
That is why Humanistic psychology works - it is based on validation and acceptance, client based therapy. CBT on the other hand is therapy of ableism, CBT is form of narcissistic abuse gaslighting - it is relentless criticism and CBT will make RSD much much worse.
YES - which is also why things like Clonidine work, many times this sort of thing is just "chemicals in the brain" even if there isn't a good reason to feel rejected. (that's the dysphoria part) - I have RSD and Clonidine has helped me a ton. The pain signal is just a fancy "check oil light" in your brain saying "hey Sandy, something is wrong right now, go figure it out, maybe it's a bear chewing on your leg, maybe you're feeling rejected, I'm busy and can't be bothered to differentiate the two, you go figure it out"
@@jonjeskie5234 Yeah good point, there's physical pain, emotional pain, and sometimes especially if the root cause is chemical in nature, those can overlap in a hard to sort out way
@@jonjeskie5234 and that is a deep question. If we stop separating mind and body, pain is pain is pain. I find both troublesome. When I am practicing meditations for my chronic back pain, I am encouraged to breath and just non-judgementally experience all sensations, including what is happening in my spine. By not judging it as good or bad, it seems to remove the sense of suffering. So something that I would have described as a hot, electrified knife being twisted into my lumbar region it becomes a tingling warmth and pleasant…..weird. Pain, as all sensations and experiences are in the mind. Doesn’t mean it’s made up pain. Ive MRI’s and CT scans to prove my reality, rods and screws. Scans dont show how we feel about them though. I do use pain relief as well, less than I would if I didn’t meditate and change my mindset. Seems to help.
Absolutely! I have stopped trying things out of fear of rejection! I used to be known for my flowerbeds, now I am afraid to go outside just to walk my dog for fear I might be judged because my hair isn't styled or my dog pooped on the common area lawn & I picked it up but now I will be blamed for all other dog's poops. I mean, I know it isn't rational, but I compare myself so much to others and even to my past self. Or, as Katie has enlightened me, the "self" which was an exhausting act. I often said in therapy that I didn't actually know the real me b/c it varied for each circumstance. Thank you, Katie, for making me aware of this! Never, ever heard of this. I thought I was the only one who experiences this and believed it was just BPD. So.... action opposite to emotion right now? I am going to take my dog outside.... because I don't want to.
I FEEL THIS! i always dread going to new places, interviews, etc, because i’m afraid of getting lost or being judged for something small, like me not understanding a question, etc. It’s debilitating 😩
Dude. I'm the same way. I walk on eggshells feeling as if I'm putting other people out. I could be served the complete wrong meal at a restaurant and I won't return it. I just eat it and smile. My fiance, god love him, will sometimes intervene for me in situations such as that.
I feel the same way too it's hard for me to have conversation with anyone for fear they will start attacking me. I worked in number of customer service roles it's horrible the customer can be rude and expected an answer now. Main problem is not getting enough sleep since commute is very long. Last job was in Admin with telephone call taking. There one bad call which I was signed off for month. The company offers counselling which helped and I use mental health app to manage my anxiety. Pandemic made anxiety worse not helping by my nephew staying over for 5-6 days, waking me up in mornings constant talking. This proof his parents are too stupid to look after me. I want to say something but worried of facing backclash. Like expected of me to bottle my emotions till I explode. We all have limits. Reached the point there are moments I feel sucidal. I was on medication for me sleep only for short term and has nasty side effects. Lack of sleep plus stress affects my skin as whatever you feel on inside shows up on outside. I hope to move away far away from my toxic unhelpful family.
@@sammythehamster9093 what mental health app are you using. I didn't know that there were such things. It seems like something I might could benefit from, or at least check it out, and see what it's all about.
She just nailed me. I worried that I was a narcissist because of my aversion to rejection. So much aversion that I haven’t dated in 9 years, don’t socialize, and over achieve at work so as not to be criticized. But narcissism doesn’t play out with my desire to help others and do animal rescue, etc. now this thing, where I tell myself I’m not good enough and avoid people as a result has a name RSD, hmmm 🤔
Watch out for overachieving at work. If you’re constantly outdoing your superiors, you could be in for a world of trouble. Bosses are often insecure too, and they want to feel like they deserve their role. Anyone who threatens their security is going to be tossed aside. I’ve had firsthand experience with this unfortunately. I didn’t realize what was happening until I left
If Your so worried about being a narcissist that you haven't dated in 9 years, Then Your Definetly not a narcissist hun. Your more of an Empath instead, the opposite of a narcissist. Maybe Narcissists in your life have gaslighted you to believe you are a narcissist.
@@beautifulspacesllc Your not a narcissist either then, your more of an Empath as well most likely. I encourage you to read about what an Empath is to see if you're one.
I feel EXACTLY the same! I've avoided social situations or moving up at work (just sticking to what I know and really doing the best work I can so as not to get criticized). And that's awesome you do animal rescue! That's my passion too :)
Same, I have ADD and the first time I met a therapist I was so overstressed because I didn't know how to react and act because I am a people pleaser and didn't know how she wanted me to act.
It sounds really horrible I can't imagine being soooo sensitive to criticism I get yelled and and called an idiot about every work day.🤷♂️ I don't know how I would handle it if I couldn't take criticism.
@@lgamble Well I have been here for 4 years now so I think I can handle it besides I don't know what else I would do.🤷♂️ I was never good in school. I can't really spell and I'm really bad at math.
It makes me want to cry finally hearing someone put a name and explanation to thoughts and feelings that I just can't understand or express. After so many years. Thank you.
Yep! And CBT bans information about Complex Trauma. It is recognized by WHO's ICD-11. RSD is not diagnosis. We need to be careful with CBT - it is extremely dangerous and misused therapy that is doing more damage than good.
@@rv706 howabout you learn about Hou the lack of dopamine plays a role in gratification and the feeling of success. People with adhd and to an extent have a lack of this neurotransmitter aswell as others like norepinephrine. The conditions you pressed are also comorbid symptoms for the syndromes like adhd and asd. I have both but am considered, "gifted" yet I hate the term because I don't see being depressed and scared of people as a gift especially when I'm considered attractive and have an inability to act on my attractiveness unless I'm 100% sure I'll attain a decently positive response. You're ignorant of the harsh reality of people's interpretations of the the world and the prevalence of that subjective worldview or its impact on the productivity of an individual or the sheer weight the condition bears. I hate my intelligence and I'd give it up for social intelligence. I am able to mask the problems I have but only to an outward appearance. I fail at social interactions, can't make eye contact, always say yes to please people, sacrifice myself for others, hide my emotions and ironically understand others emotions despite being autistic. No joke, I hate my Condition and have wanted to delete my self from the universe because of the loneliness I get to experience day in and day out. And to further my claim to attractiveness though I think I'm not is that I'm 5'9" 150lbs and a gymnast and in relatively good shape for a 36yro.
@@Katimorton This was incredibly helpful. I've never felt so... seen and understood. thank you so much. @EuRice Queen, I am the exact same way and didn't realize what it was till now
I can handle rejection why am I difrent? Was it because my parents loved me? I think criticism hurts me if it's from someone I really care about and respect.🤔 It can make me feel sad ashamed and afraid and even angry. Well I feel angry more if I don't feel it was a fair criticism. If I think it's fair I kinda feel sad and ashamed.
Funny this should pop up as I'm laying on my bed, trying to parent myself through a (perceived?) rejection scenario. I was emotionally neglected and abused in my younger years, up into early adulthood. Rejection, feeling I've fallen short in any aspect and disappointing people is excruciatingly painful and difficult for me. I am a recovering people pleaser. Thankfully I have a therapy appointment on Friday. 😐
Same I felt this way just this weekend and this morning I felt I've let everyone down, and that I'm just not good enough, it is extrememly painful and difficult and I didn't know RSD was a thing until now, So i guess this video was meant for me to see. makes me feel abit better that I'm not losing it, and I just have a lot of pain about something somewhere and I'm not seeing it.
I think I resonate with this as I was bullied a lot in school, my family weren't bad at all so I think the only place this stems from is school, kindergarten specifically
Recovering people pleaser here and I am living for my therapy sessions nowadays. I feel so hurt from the rejection I’m going through that I actually contemplate running away from everyone and if I could, myself as well. 😔 We will continue on this healing journey. ♥️
My father showed zero interest in us as kids, and I think that’s caused a lot of this kind of thing in my adult life. I always seem to be hyper vigilant about friends and family disowning me. In social situations, I act like a total extroverted comedian, trying to make everyone laugh so they’ll like me. It’s exhausting but I can’t seem to help it. And when I perceive someone doesn’t value me, I always have to fight the urge to cut that relationship off before they hurt me. It’s like “ILL do the walking away, not them.” But it’s bullshit. LoL. Christ my brain! Thanks for the video, I always just referred to it as “fear of abandonment” but this is a little more specific.
Every rejection or perceived rejection feels like a death with all the grief of a serious loss every single time no matter how big or small the rejection is. Then you get extremely pissed off at your brain for not being capable of reacting “normally” to rejection and not being able to brush it off like neurotypical people. So much grief, pain, and anger
I lived my life with the belief that if I didn’t try, I wouldn’t feel the pain of rejection or failure. This kept me safe and small and invisible and in deep emotional pain. Only realising that the pain was there to tell me something I really needed to hear. It’s not been easy and it still stings but trying new things and failing has been enormously helpful for me. Rejection or perceived rejection from others though - that’s still crippling. I still have no friends and spend every evening alone. I would love to change this one day and have genuine social interactions with people that care about me. Huge love to all my fellow RSD sufferers out there. 🙌✨♥️
I've had this too - I was in my late 30s before I was diagnosed with ADHD, RSD, and Autism Spectrum Disorder, and in some ways it was a HUGE relief and things like all the things I avoided made a ton of sense. But, one thing that seems to happen as you get older (I'm in my mid 40s now) is that at SOME point, the regret of "all the things I didn't do" gets to be larger than the fear of "what if I fail" and that sucks in one way but also is motivating in another, sort of a "hell, I've wasted half my life being afraid, am I going to waste the other half too?" Hell, that's why I'm even writing you back right now TBH, but you start building a tiny bit of momentum in that direction, baby steps, and it gets easier.
Yep. We are told via CBT that our thoughts are sick and abnormal - and that we must fix our thinking. What happens in reality - is that with this CBT "advice" we destroy our self worth and create severe personality disorder because we think deep down our character is abnormal. CBT must be banned and those in authority must go to prison for misdiagnosis and keeping RSD away from light. Social anxiety is still being explained away as disorder. Nobody connects it with RSD. just check wikipedia or random google web pages or 99 percent of you tube videos.
Oh, MAN! This is so me! I am totally fine speaking and performing in front of hundreds of people but there is no way I will ask a woman out because of the multiple rejections I had as a teen. I've been alone for my entire adult life because rejection is so painful. I wish I'd known to get therapy earlier but now it's too late for me. Thanks, Katie.
I didn't know that RSD was linked to a fear of failure. I always have lots of self doubt as to whether I can deliver in a promotion and a fear of failure prevents me applying.
One thing that can also help with that (I have RSD as well) - is in the case of something like a new job: If you do nothing, you "won't get the job" - so if you try for it, you'll either still "not get the job" or "get the job" - so your situation will either stay the same or get better, it won't get worse (you already don't have the job if you don't try) It's normal to think that the cost of doing nothing is zero, but doing nothing has a cost too, it just may not be as obvious or immediate
Discovery of RSD is the same as decoding DNA genome. We will know exactly what is problem, what to look at, what to fix . as oppose to listen to faulty CBT which "explains" that our mind is sick and abnormal.
Basically everything Kati said, applies to me. But the more I investigate the issue, the more I think, that my fear of rejection or failure isn't the main thing, its more about the way people interact with me. It's the fear to be subject to someones anger or aggression, someone being mean or abusive. If someone rejects me in an nice and honest way I actually don't have a huge problem.
Very good point! When someone rejects or criticizes me politely or neutrally, I don't think I really care about it much at all. Because I know I can fix my shortcomings. Don't care about praise either. But the constant irrational toxicity is what eventually made me isolate myself from the outside world. Isolation is like a mental hygiene for me, it has improved my well-being, but then sometimes I witness someone else being abused for some petty reason and it declines again. So my guess is it may not be all about self-worth issues either.
With me it does not matter how it is framed. Polite or otherwhise. It does not even have to be a "real" rejection. Just picking up a phone during a movie, watched together, can cause me to cancel all social gatherings with unrelated people for a few weeks because it stresses and tires me out that much...The closer i am to that person the worse it gets so i tend to not let anybody close enough for a deep relationship which causes lonlyness. Vicious circle.
@@vlst8715 Yep. Because those of us who fawn - we are already doing everything possible to avoid errors. We go to extra measures which 99 percent of people would never do ever. We make sure with time limit and money aspect and our space to please other people - and when people do not have ability to see that we have done everything to make their life comfortable - the real fault lies in egocentric people who are spoiled. Like theme in Preminger movie from 1958 "Bonjour trisstess"
This channel is a lifesaver. I'm consistently learning that what I feel and the way I react to things isn't unique to just me. Other people have these problems too.
"Playing it out to the end" is a thing that i have been doing this past months when I'm overwhelmed by emotions (when there is something that triggered my RSD). I just imagine how things would playout, the worst scenarios, and how I would deal with it. Imagining scenarios in my mind caused me intense emotional pain and physical pain. But It would also help me deal with the RSD since it exhausts my mind to the point that I'll ended up fast asleep right after. "Playing it out" and sleeping right after really helps my RSD. I feel refresh and unburdened when I wake up. Though it takes too much time and effort to imagine scenarios in your mind. haha.
Seriously? There is no one who has ever lived or will ever live who does not struggle with fear of rejection. It's just that some (e.g., Trump-like bravado people) compensate with false bravado, some compensate by pretending the whole matter does not exist (distracting themselves with pursuit of fame, money, alcohol, etc.) and some (like you) think about it and are honest about it.
(not a mental health professional) - soooo many people have mental health issues that go their whole life without ever getting help. There is still a lot of stigma about it, like if you have a problem it's a character flaw. Social media definitely has its faults but one of the BEST things about it is that it connects folks and builds communities of people that may otherwise have never realized how many folks were "just like them", you are definitely NOT alone, and it's okay.
@@chuckm1961 people who have this dysphasia are unable to distract themselves. That’s how intense this pain is that they either self-Medicate or desperately need to be seen so that they can have the meds that Katie mentioned.
Any change in tone, body language, misunderstood words, or mishearing or being heard or an action seeming to hint at it..I seriously struggle like these things alone are going to be the end of my life, which sometimes in the past has seemed better than full out feeling it.
I never thought about the possibility of RSD being triggered by myself not feeling enough or happy with what I've done. This is such an interesting piece to think about the next time I get frustrated when not being perfect at doing a new thing right away!
Re. "HALT" -- a great thing I recently saw is: "If you feel like everybody hates you, you probably need to sleep. If you feel like you hate everybody, you probably need to eat."
This is interesting, but what if you have some types of eating addictions and disorders? I'm trying to steer clear of food as a problem solver, when it makes everything worse for me.
@@unowen7416 Fair enough. It's referring to the crabby, irritable mood that comes from low blood sugar when you miss a meal. The idea is you want to be able to recognize what that feels like, and "you feel like you hate everybody" is as good a description as I've seen. It's not meant to encourage dealing with bad feelings through emotional eating, but I can see how the similarity to that would make it extra difficult.
I think this is part of my issues. I gave up dating or trying to meet women years ago because each new rejection was just harder and harder than the last. Everyone I've ever talked to just told me dating is a numbers game and it gets easier, but it's always been the exact opposite for me. Even when women decide to not leave me alone and send overt signals that they want me to ask them out or reveal my interest in them. I always shut down and ignore them until they move on, because I can't handle the possibility of them rejecting me in that moment. Or even worse, further down the line.
Damn, you perfectly described how I feel and what I experienced. I am at the exact same point at which I don‘t want to date any women anymore because rejection hurts so bad.
Similar experience with myself with trying to date and relationships. Romantic or non. Yet when I find something even if it is or turns toxic I still hold onto it for dear life. Taking out many of these emotions on my fiance that has ADHD but he is such an extravert when he is feeling well but an introvert when he isn't doing as what many people would describe as "the best in life" or when he doesn't have money. He is also the "quiet sufferer" Katie mentions. Internalising the majority of his feelings shutting dowm and "getting out" of the situation causing the rejection he feels. Myself coming from a situation of childhood sexual abuse from one family member and unintentional neglect from another. This shaped my belief system into some major maladaptive thinking. I got into relationships through trauma bonding and not a "love, life, goal, personality chemistry" type of deal. They were unhealthy and condependant. 2 years before Covid hit I was in a healthy relationship after taking the time and therapy to heal from past wounds. we. Got into a car accident one night and his air bag went off while mine did not. It caused me to over time develop an auto immune/ chronic pain disorder and it has caused so so so much resentment and strain in the relationship over time that I wonder if I will ever salvage the wedding cancelled by Covid and postponed by my own extreme feelings and emotions directed towards the situation. Often at times I wonder if it would been easier/better to have just kept my distance from this person as well and stick to being alone as then I know I will be lonely. But I won't be rejected (well i still struggle with self rejection)!but then I can only blame myself for that (guilt shame, anger resent shoulda woulda coulda) Since this accident I thought he (expected maybe besed on commitment) may slow down his heavy social /project calendar. As I then had my life come to a sudden halt and was not able to do most everything I enjoyed or distracted me from the pain or even socialize as stupid Covid. The actuality of it is he is out and more busy during quarantine, restrictions and lockdown than he has been at home where I am permanently stuck.. I think we both have RSD and ironically that's also what my chronic condition that developed is also called. I subscribe to this channel because Katie is awesome however today I was searching my RSD (crps) and came across this video talking about this other RSD I think we both may have it in differnt ways. After this novel I want to say the aspect of pushing someone away before they leave is very very very real and painful. It's nice to at least have the good memories before to reflect on instead of always feeling hurt and lonely..you know there is possibility for more or different outcomes. Yet if you "stand for nothing you will fall for everything" when you don't know yourself that's a very very real possibility.
@@melissadoesmakeup Damn friend. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil in your relationship. I'm sorry it's so hard. I'm happy my comment spurred you to share. I felt a darn sight better about my issues just channeling my thoughts to the keyboard. I hope doing so provided some catharsis for you as well. 💜 Live well, and maybe talk to your partner about some of this if you haven't already.
Internal Family Systems therapy definitely deserves a mention. I did CBT for years, but it could only get me so deep. IFS helped me learn how to use compassion towards my wounded inner child in a big way that I never experienced with CBT. Not that I don't recommend CBT - it's probably best to start with CBT and see how far it gets you first.
Rejection has been a big problem for me in my life for about the past decade or so. Ever since my late teens I have been over analytical of myself and would have my life centered around the opinions of others and what they thought of me and to this day I still struggle with this, although to a lesser extent. Within the last few years I have started to develop more of a "I don't care what people think of me." attitude and I must say that it definitely feels less emotionally and mentally draining now that I am thinking this way. Thanks so much for an excellent well explained video on this order Kati. It really is self reflecting.👍🙂
Thank you for making this video, my family has always said "just let it flow off you like water off a duck's ass" and I sent them this video to clue them in why that has never been helpful and in fact contributed to my pain because I couldn't perform to their expectations that I just should choose to not feel bad.
Thanks Kati! I didn't know this had a name. I always just thought of it as my cringe moments. Now I see more clearly what this can do to kids and their adult selves. This got me thinking, a person can create a whole detailed short story on just one instance of what MUST be wrong with him or her or even the other person, when all he or she was just doing was trying to be friendly, but was ignored and didn't get a hello returned in kind. Oh what a tangled web we weave. Help me Charlotte!
" I didn't know this had a name. I always just thought of it as my cringe moments." This is far more serious than cringe. This RSD means many people are misdiagnosed and given wrong therapy - specifically far more damaging CBT who instructs victims of abuse that they are hallucinating abuse and that they can change other people with their own thinking (ABC Model) which leads to schizophrenia and development of personality disorders. Glasser wrote the book called Psychiatry can be dangerous for your mental health. He was correct.
This makes sense to me as someone who has dyslexia. I know it wasn't mentioned in this video but I did read in other articles that dyslexia can also lead to RSD. The constant corrections, criticism, and being told to keep up with others I think caused RSD for me.
I've just realised this is exactly what's happened with me too. Make a great deal of sense especially as I also had quite dysfunctional & abusive parents also. Always made to feel inferior to my two siblings.
When I am criticized/rejected I feel as if my brain is shaking, I get tunnel vision, my heart races and my body feels hot. I feel like I've been hit over the head with something heavy. Stunned. I fall away into a place of deep, deep isolation like I've been shut out of the world. I once dated a guy who lived in a top floor flat. He had previously been seeing the woman who lived down stairs from him. Each time I walked past her door I experienced a feeling of terror. I felt paranoid and my thoughts would race. The only explanation I can come up with is when I was little my mum didn't like me. She was cruel and punishing. She would teach the rest of the family to freeze me out and ignore me. She would make me stand in the dark and forget I was there. She would rarely make eye contact or speak to me. The family followed her example and treated me with hatred. I always feel like I'm on the outside of life looking in. Now, as an adult, if I start to like someone, I become dysregulated.
I’ve avoided finishing my degree because a superior told me she didn’t think I was cut out for teaching during my student teaching. Everyone kept telling me to ignore her comments but what she said spiraled me into an intense depression and fear of going back because I’m so afraid of failing again and disappointing someone.
This video just cleared up issues I have been having since I was a kid. Thank you so much for providing this information, I feel like this helped me understand myself better.
I feel rejected most of the time. I've got a trip coming up to see a lot of family and friends and I'm freaking out...yelling at my boyfriend for no reason. Thanks for a new perspective.
Kinda sucks when you have RSD and low blood pressure. There’s always another way to get through mental illnesses. But I’m so happy Kati talked about this.
I have this and when I am going through it, death feels like the only way out of the intense pain. P.S. I was diagnosed Asperger at a later age (female).
Thank you, Kati! I have struggled with this for the longest time, but I am finally making some headway. My therapist has presented several helpful approaches, and I've also made the commitment to starting each day with mindful meditation. I'm also taking guanfacine every evening now. Even the tiniest criticism, expressed bluntly, triggers in me an irrational, angry over-reaction. I hate hulking out, feeling full of shame, or trying to do everything and please everybody in a frantic attempt to avoid be upbraided! The take away: it IS really hard, but I now think it is possible to heal and truly recognise, inside, that we are all worthy.
I'm so glad that I finally found a word for 'not having social anxiety or borderline/avoidant personality disorder but struggling a lot with social interactions due to perceived or real rejections'. I've had so many diagnosis or suspected diagnosis, where I always thought 'Yeah, kind of... but not really' and felt so alone and alienated because I don't have any mental disorder but I still have a mental issue going on. It was so frustrating because therapists just give you diagnosis and suddenly you are supposed to have a full-blown personality disorder, mood disorder or anxiety disorder although you don't perceive yourself as disordered or ill.
Thank you for this! I've been trying to explain my RSD to friends and family and I never had the words to express the feelings and symptoms but you did it amazingly, so thank you!
I think it's relatively new and not in the DSM yet but it's definitely a very real, very concrete, very specific, very diagnosable, very easily defined thing,... unlike a lot of cloudy fuzzy things in the DSM :D so it should make it in some day
That's because it's just another nonsense label for an unwillingness to deal with your own bad attitude, created by people on the internet who are desperate for attention for how special and different they are. Everything has to be pathological and diagnosable now. That's how you avoid taking responsibility, blame the acronym Tumblr/Reddit diagnosed you with. Hearing it come from "a therapist" somehow makes it valid. Watch this space for Need Food Disorder, for those of us who experience the terrible affliction of hunger. It's a serious problem, honest.
@@channeling764 "the girl" I replied to is a psychotherapist, not just some random on the internet diagnosing themselves with anything and everything that they can relate to. Everyone has a degree of rejection sensitivity, it isn't a diagnosis in and of itself but can be exaggerated in relation to numerous disorders, a symptom. I actually know plenty about living with neurodivergence and complex PTSD but being misdiagnosed until my 30s, thank you, but your assumption of superiority is astoundingly helpful and productive! You are of course the only person in the world with any kind of problems, obviously! Glad I could give you something you could twist in your mind into a personal attack so you can stay locked in your victim bubble, you're definitely helping yourself.
@Melody Song I mean all dogs eat puke, it's a pretty normal behaviour. They eat shit too. And rotting animals. They're actually pretty disgusting creatures when you really think about it.
This sounds really close to me. CBT helped me stop catastrophic thought loops and 'should' statements. no actual diagnosis (poverty lol), but thank you for this. something to start considering next time I spiral
I'm glad there is an actual name for this mental illness. Everything mentioned hit right on the nail for me. People pleasing and timid behavior is a strong indication of RSD. It's exhausting to always "put on the show" for others, even family. The rebound effect makes you want to isolate yourself as a coping mechanism. This is also where social media addiction occurs as well due to the loneliness RSD brings. It's a deadly cycle that only affects you and not the people whom you are always trying to please in hopes they don't "hurt" you. I suggest reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
I could never put a name on this. I would catch myself feeling super sad and rejected for the SMALLEST of reasons, like the room going quiet after I said something, or getting a small critique and thinking it was because that person was sick of me being around. I would also associate my friends talking to eachother more than me as them enjoying eachother's company more over being around me. Whenever that happens, it feels like my brain is being pumped full of something that just makes my entire mindset and demeanor change. I lost my posture, my face wanes on any smile or alert expression.. it feels almost crippling to the point that I can't even continue my day.
Thank you for making this more known. It is so relieving to hear my troubles are common and recognized. To everyone who struggles in their daily life with this. Don’t lose hope to be doing better someday! You are loved, you are strong. That’s what I also keep telling myself, and it makes just that slightest difference you need.
Discovery of RSD is like genome of all our issues with psychology that we struggle. It will help us to laser point our issues and devote our energy and focus in exact place - as oppose to overgeneralization from CBT and other toxic resources which misdiagnose our issues and lead us astray into wrong alley, spending too much money, focus and time on wrong things which could never work nor help us in any way but falsely promise to help. CBT must be banned.
I was diagnosed with BPD, but I have basically all the symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Thank you for sharing. This will definitely help in finding a way to the best treatment options for my mental health. I appreciate you!!
Thank you for this video. I have been struggling with the fear of rejection my whole life and I felt shame for taking rejection so personally. Before being to work on myself I didn’t even know I had a fear of rejection and then I started to observe the thought and intensity of my emotions. Very difficult for me to bounce back and it has really affected my relationship to others. Once again thank you I finally have a name for my experience and can began to understand it and work on it
As a 20 year old college student, my mental health is trash. Just got on adderall which has been life saving. Anyway, my fear of rejection was so bad. It was controlling my brain from functioning. I thought I was crazy. When my therapist brought up RSD, I literally cried, cried like a baby. Knowing I actually have something, knowing I’m not crazy changed my life!
I have ADHD, and was only diagnosed last year at the age of 37. I've been told my whole life that I'm 'too sensitive', which in itself is incredibly guilt and shame heavy, and to add to it... ADHD (especially undiagnosed) makes you feel hurrendous a lot of the time as you are so overwhelmed with life and feel like you're constantly failing and not meeting your own expectations and others. Especially when you experience RSD multiple times a day (triggered events), it ends up being a gigantic day of stress and dysregulation of emotions. It's a hugely difficult daily task just to try to regulate your emotions, let alone deal with your responsibilities every day when it comes to full time work, looking after the house, life admin, making shopping lists... It's endless. ADHD and RSD are a really tough mixture, and a lot of methods suggested to help with RSD just don't work well with ADHD like acronyms.. my brain cannot easily process and store these types of information, and I really struggle to recall. The things I do find useful are more creative and visual based tools such as the meter that the wonderful 'How to ADHD' lady provides on her channel that I can see on my desk whilst working. I can check in with the colour that represents my current emotional state ... Green is that I'm doing ok and I'm able to move on through the RSS trigger with minimal risk of damage to me and others, yellow is that I'm struggling and need to take a little moment to regulate and count to 10, take some deep breaths, and maybe note down what happened so I can reflect and reframe at another time, but continue with the task at hand. Red means I need to step away immediately and allow myself to use my tools to work back from red to yellow, then yellow to green. Risk of damage is at its worst at this moment and replying to someone or responding/reacting is not going to serve anyone well in this moment. I need to be kind to myself and address this later when I'm in the green. A big point is, there is nothing wrong with us, we are normal, and we are capable...our brains just work differently and we need the right support and tools to get through it. The more we practice, the better equipt we become at dealing with these triggers. Be your own best friend and be kind to yourself, it's hard enough living with these issues, and the difficulty of living as a Neurodivergent individual in a Neurotypical world. 💜
It happens because it's linked to being "rejected" in childhood in some way, which is also the cause of all these different mental disorders. What disorder you develop largely depends on your genetics, but they are all simply symptoms, manifestations, of underlying trauma. Heal the trauma, heal the mental illness.
It’s so hard to heal the trauma if it was daily abuse for all of growing up and into adulthood. I often wonder what’s worse the big traumas I experienced like being raped, or witnessing my college roommates suicide / death or the other daily things I experienced being beat down emotionally and physically beat as a child. I work with a therapist but don’t have med management at this time and am struggling. I think both pieces are huge especially as you go through and address issues and discuss the past with a therapist or anyone you trust, it’s hard work.
@@Joy-xz2fx Read "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving." It's THE best book out there on complex and developmental trauma. Read the reviews to see how much it's helped others too.
"rejected" just say it what it is it is exposure to relentless criticism and nitpicking 24/7 in early age when we were impressionable. ". Heal the trauma, heal the mental illness." True mental illness is in perpetrators of abuse. They have mental illness. When we are targets of abuse - this is called reaction to abuse. If we use label mental illness on ourselves - we will misdiagnose and mislabel ourselves, we will re-traumatize ourselves and reject ourselves as abusers did. You cannot heal trauma if you label trauma as personal choice and something that is wrong with you to the core. There is nothing wrong with our mind. Our mind works fine. We are not serial killers - we do not desire to harm other people - hence there is no mental illness.
@@GuppyPal ead "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving." What you "forget" to say is that CPTSD is banned by corrupt medical industry and that pharma mafia is making huge money on trauma labeling it as mental illness and cognitive disorder. While in the same time narcissists are left alone - those who are causing "mental illness" as you label it, into others. WHO's ICD-11 recognized cptsd as valid concept. American pharma mafia industry does not.
same here, there’s so much misinformation out there. it made me feel so invalidated until i saw this video and realized that there ARE other’s that rsd is linked to.
I don't know if this applies to anyone but I physically start to panic or get the surge of adrenaline when someone chastises or just criticizes me. I then hold a grudge or at least guarded around them. I'm constantly trying to get on their good side. I generally fear not being able to impress everyone I meet. I usually talk way too much to get a reaction of approval around them. If I don't, I'll feel like a failure. I can't stop it, or I don't know how to stop it. No one really knows who I really am.
There is so much to unpack. I don't even know where to begin. I watch these videos and identify with everything. Then I get anxious cause i don't know how to "fix" it.
I'm no Dr, but my husband and I agree he has undiagnosed ADHD. Its extremely obvious. I always saw this in him and I would get so aggravated (not in front of him) why he would take a harmless slight from someone and make it this big deal of rejection, or even perceived rejection if someone took too long to get back to him. But this gave me more insight. Thankfully we have good communication and I can talk him out of most of them, but I still struggle with him having a big reaction if I correct something he is doing like in the most simple harmless was because he is say, watering the wrong plant or getting too much chicken feed. And he acts like I think he is worthless and cant do anything right. It's such a overreaction. It's never a fight or anything as I tell him it's ok, just do this not that. But it makes sense now.
i always thought i was just hated by everyone, apparently this is exactly what ive been experiencing, in fact i had an "episode" earlier today. i felt like someone's sibling-like humor was actually how they felt about me, which in turn made me feel like no one could ever like me. i felt a sharp pain in the middle of my chest, cried, and began ruminating on self-destructive thoughts. ive been dealing with this for a long while, almost couldnt believe that this was an actual thing. its an understatement to say im relieved, both that this is now recognized, and that others feel the same as i have.
I spiralled into a 2-week deep depression bc someone left me off an email list. I perceived that I wasn't wanted in the group. Of course my therapist was away for a month at the time 🙄
Get out of my head lady! Kidding, I'm appreciating all the RSD videos I find. There's so many good ones. I only learned about RSD about a month ago but it's already helping me change. I already knew all this crap, but a new name that fits well is always helpful. I've also realized that the war between CBT & DBT is a lie because I benefit from a bit of both of them. I can't handle the excessive work involved in DBT, but needed to learn the concepts because I just want able to process through CBT without them. I've learned how to recognize my feelings of rejection and determine whether they are real or perceived, unwarranted or valid, and what I need to do about them. Usually I end up sleeping on them overnight and get some clarity by morning.
Perhaps this is part of RSD, but as someone with ADHD, this video felt a bit one-sided as if we're at fault for feeling rejection so intensely when someone else's negative behavior is what triggered it in the first place. Why do I have to do EXTRA work or take extra meds because people can't be nice or take advantage of me because I feel the tools I'm learning are finally working?
I hear you. This video really hit home for me but something I've often grappled with is the idea of both/and. ..because it's not that other people aren't capable of acting Awful sometimes--that even covers a lot of the emotional abuse many of us grew up with, right? ..but I know that in order for me to feel healthy and grounded, I need that self awareness about my triggers to stay sane. You're right--that IS extra work and sometimes it really DOES feel unfair. ..but when I'm clear and empowered because I have that awareness, I can have a moment where maybe I get to leave other peoples' stuff, real or imagined, out of the equation and enjoy MY peace of mind, and Man, is that ever worth it!
You want everyone to be extra nice so you don't feel rejected? Sorry this isn't grade school where kids are forced to be nice and like everyone. Not everyone is going to like you not everyone is going to like me. You have to have some responsibility over how you feel, behave and think. The world can't tip toe around you.
@@coffeeandhorses7991 I think this is an unnecessarily harsh response. Human decency is showing respect for others. The person doing the rejecting should be doing so respectfully, not in a mean-spirited way. Can you try practicing the same?
I know how you feel, and don't read that other comment, they are shit, omg! It's because we can only control ourselves and not others. Other people may be 100% in the wrong but we can't change how they choose to act. I think treatment helps us become more in control of our responses, so we can choose how to act and not have too much shame afterwards. I know for me, even if I'm in the right about something, I will question endlessly the way I responded and feel shame. Then I end up apologizing to assholes because the feeling that I might upset someone is unbearable. I don't want to apologize to assholes! I want to be able to move on and stand up for myself when it is appropriate but also have some insight so I know when I might be overreacting.
I learned this word listening to TD Jake's. I didn't know or understand what I was dealing with at first. I never felt the effect of it until I got with what you call a narcissist. Totally made me feel a shamed and I was just being the same person I'd been my whole but it was good enough or even good in their eyes. I almost passed out one time just thinking about being around them when I got home. My heart was racing sooooo fast I thought I was about to have a heart attack, couldn't breathe, vision started fading and couldn't move. One time I sat on the couch for 2 or 3hrs just thinking and didn't even know the time had gone by. Dysphoria/ Narcissist can destroy your life but if you go to Jesus with that brokenness, rejection, pain&hurt and confusion he will help you, cleanse you and make you new. Trust him, trust him, trust him, give it to him!!!!!!! He cares about you. I'm being talked about as I'm typing this. God is still good!!!!!
I tried to make myself numb to it all. But no matter what i do i still feel terrible. The flash backs are the worse. Even if no one even remembers them they are constantly popping in my head and making me relive it
I am more confused than ever. My “symptoms” overlap with so many different disorders. How tf do I get help if I and my drs, can’t figure out what is actually wrong with me?
I’ve been divorced three times and in each relationship I bent over backwards trying to be utterly perfect in order to avoid rejection. Now I’ve realised it’s just less traumatic not to engage with people in the real world at all. I stay in and only leave the house to walk my dog or to do the shopping. I avoid meeting up with anyone, even when I’m invited to do so. I’m hoping the invitations will dry up eventually and people will get the message. I’m 56 and currently waiting to be diagnosed with ADHD. Thank you for your video.
Yes, I was thinking about that. One of the symptoms of borderline is severe rejection sensitivity and fear of abandonment. I know what it feels like. 😢
My daughter had a friend with ADHD and I think his lashing out might have been RSD. My god this kid was so back and forth. He’s pretty much stalking her even though she said she no longer wants to talk to him because of his irradiated and demanding behaviors. It’s kinda sad
Thank you so much. This is me to a Tee. I have always suffered from severe social anxiety and shyness ever since I can remember. It has always been linked to my fear of a negative outcome. It has held me back all my life. CBT and life coaching has helped me a lot, however this has helped me understand myself more.
I've been extremely hesitant to get involved with romance at all because of my utterly distracting negative view of myself. I feel like no one could possibly think of me in a romantic or sexual way. It distracted me for years and every day I found myself saying "No one wants you, no one wants you." I also experience rejection anxiety when it comes to job opportunities. Are these seemingly isolated cases enough to look more into RSD?
I think so.. although I will say I’m no expert. But it seems like if the root cause of your unwillingness to start a relationship or get a job is due to a fear of rejection combined with a negative self image it definitely sounds like RSD
As a woman with an avoidant personality, ADD and RSD I'm absolutely guilty of dating or talking online with nice men then ghosting when I painfully consider all my shortcomings and predict the complete failure of the burgeoning relationship. I cant stand the notion that I will turn out to be an utter disappointment and someone I care about will see me as I believe I am.
I feel exactly the same dude. You described it so well. I'm 25 now and the thing I want most in life is a healthy relationship. When I was 17 I was deeply rejected by my best friend, I really loved her. After I did tell her this the third time, the friendship was broken. All the guilt I have felt, it was so hard to be rejected 3 times by a person who did know me so well. Now it's 8 years in the past and I feel exactly the same. I think that its not possible to love me. I really think that. My friends tell me otherwise but it didn't help my constant fear of rejection. Maybe it is true that nobody can love u when u don't love yourself I realise that now, Monday I will call a therapist. Maybe they can help me, I'm so sick of being lonely and love deprived
I feel exactly the same dude. You described it so well. I'm 25 now and the thing I want most in life is a healthy relationship. When I was 17 I was deeply rejected by my best friend, I really loved her. After I did tell her this the third time, the friendship was broken. All the guilt I have felt, it was so hard to be rejected 3 times by a person who did know me so well. Now it's 8 years in the past and I feel exactly the same. I think that its not possible to love me. I really think that. My friends tell me otherwise but it didn't help my constant fear of rejection. Maybe it is true that nobody can love u when u don't love yourself I realise that now, Monday I will call a therapist. Maybe they can help me, I'm so sick of being lonely and love deprived
Katie, its great that you did a video on RSD. Your reach will help millions of people be more aware of how damaging this symptom can be and provide assistance to those in need. Nicely done! I did my own video on RSD about 5 months ago and look forward to producing more content on how to manage the symptoms.
The doctor in some of the articles (Dr. William Dodson) was the doctor who diagnosed me and my wife with ADHD and RSD. (super knowledgeable, super nice and supportive doctor btw). Can confirm about the Clonidine (I had a bad reaction to Guanfacine but Clonidine works well for me), the best way I can describe it's effects are that it "lowers the volume" of the rejection feelings so that where it may have been a 9 out of 10, now it feels like a 5 out of 10, enough of a difference where the "flight or fight" part is better and I can stop and think and try the CBT/DBT tools. Would recommend trying if you're able.
When i feel rejected I both internalize and externalize because I start to get really depressed, anxious, and suicidal and then i lash out and want revenge. It fluctuates a lot when I get very unstable like that. Thankfully it doesn't happen often but I do remember when it happened to me. But I do have major depressive disorder so it's hard in general.
omg… i think this is the most relatable vid on your channel for me o.o definitely bringing this up in therapy this week, thanks sm for the information!! i had no idea this was its own thing! i fr feel like i just had a paradigm shift about like, my whole life :O
I've nearly given up on doing anything, especially when new people are involved. I've lived a long time, though, and I will say to anyone reading here, please find a way to overcome this, if you are young, so many wonderful things await if you can get past the fear of rejection. It has kept me from accomplishing so many things. These days I have limited social activities [because social interaction is painful] and part of me feels like I'm just spinning out my days till The End. Please love yourselves enough to try, seek help if you can afford it. If your folks were rejecting as you grew up, find a family of friends through mutual interests if you can.
(not a mental health professional) - my wife and I both have ADHD and RSD and in her case, it's REALLY bad to the point that she gets oppositional and defiant - a sort of "I'll reject you before you have a chance to reject me" sort of thing. When she was younger she'd quit a job if she did poorly before anyone had a chance to criticize her, and stuff like that. Recognizing it though, was a HUGE step that, "it's okay and she doesn't have to be like that if she doesn't want to" and has helped her a ton. If you're in a similar situation, know you're not alone and it's okay.
Any time anyone criticizes me in a rude or unempathetic way I feel so much shame for anything I could have done wrong at any point. It makes me feel worthless and it physically hurts even if I know the criticism isn’t the end of the world
I understand this soo much.
@@tavaruswilliams3146 thank you, it makes me feel a little better to know I’m not alone in battling with this
It’s something that I struggle with but it has helped me to consider that the people that do that are broken too. It’s not really about me. They’re projecting and as an empath and abuse survivor, I’m an easy target. We can’t change their behavior but we can work on our own perspective of it. I hope that makes sense.
My sister and now ex had this thing where I’d say something then look at me like I was crazy... never failed to make me second guess myself.
Sometimes it's good to speak to the person in a respectful way, as in, "I feel that your criticism of me was overly harsh. Do you have a way to give me more helpful feedback?"
I love how you always use "we", even if you don't mean to include yourself literally. It makes me feel so welcome and accepted.
That is why Humanistic psychology works - it is based on validation and acceptance, client based therapy.
CBT on the other hand is therapy of ableism, CBT is form of narcissistic abuse gaslighting - it is relentless criticism and CBT will make RSD much much worse.
Rejection releases the same physical and chemical reaction in the body as physical pain. That says everything.
YES - which is also why things like Clonidine work, many times this sort of thing is just "chemicals in the brain" even if there isn't a good reason to feel rejected. (that's the dysphoria part) - I have RSD and Clonidine has helped me a ton.
The pain signal is just a fancy "check oil light" in your brain saying "hey Sandy, something is wrong right now, go figure it out, maybe it's a bear chewing on your leg, maybe you're feeling rejected, I'm busy and can't be bothered to differentiate the two, you go figure it out"
@@colonelb you have to start with the question "what is pain"?
@@jonjeskie5234 Yeah good point, there's physical pain, emotional pain, and sometimes especially if the root cause is chemical in nature, those can overlap in a hard to sort out way
@@jonjeskie5234 and that is a deep question. If we stop separating mind and body, pain is pain is pain. I find both troublesome.
When I am practicing meditations for my chronic back pain, I am encouraged to breath and just non-judgementally experience all sensations, including what is happening in my spine. By not judging it as good or bad, it seems to remove the sense of suffering. So something that I would have described as a hot, electrified knife being twisted into my lumbar region it becomes a tingling warmth and pleasant…..weird. Pain, as all sensations and experiences are in the mind. Doesn’t mean it’s made up pain. Ive MRI’s and CT scans to prove my reality, rods and screws. Scans dont show how we feel about them though. I do use pain relief as well, less than I would if I didn’t meditate and change my mindset. Seems to help.
@@colonelb l
Not me literally being to scared to even try to make friends or try my actual best at something because of the crippling fear I’d fail
Absolutely! I have stopped trying things out of fear of rejection! I used to be known for my flowerbeds, now I am afraid to go outside just to walk my dog for fear I might be judged because my hair isn't styled or my dog pooped on the common area lawn & I picked it up but now I will be blamed for all other dog's poops. I mean, I know it isn't rational, but I compare myself so much to others and even to my past self. Or, as Katie has enlightened me, the "self" which was an exhausting act. I often said in therapy that I didn't actually know the real me b/c it varied for each circumstance.
Thank you, Katie, for making me aware of this! Never, ever heard of this. I thought I was the only one who experiences this and believed it was just BPD.
So.... action opposite to emotion right now? I am going to take my dog outside.... because I don't want to.
I feel ya. If we never try, we can never fail.
This happens in the stupidest places, like not being able to return a shopping item... as if it’s personal smh
I FEEL THIS! i always dread going to new places, interviews, etc, because i’m afraid of getting lost or being judged for something small, like me not understanding a question, etc. It’s debilitating 😩
Dude. I'm the same way. I walk on eggshells feeling as if I'm putting other people out. I could be served the complete wrong meal at a restaurant and I won't return it. I just eat it and smile. My fiance, god love him, will sometimes intervene for me in situations such as that.
I feel the same way too it's hard for me to have conversation with anyone for fear they will start attacking me. I worked in number of customer service roles it's horrible the customer can be rude and expected an answer now. Main problem is not getting enough sleep since commute is very long. Last job was in Admin with telephone call taking. There one bad call which I was signed off for month. The company offers counselling which helped and I use mental health app to manage my anxiety. Pandemic made anxiety worse not helping by my nephew staying over for 5-6 days, waking me up in mornings constant talking. This proof his parents are too stupid to look after me. I want to say something but worried of facing backclash. Like expected of me to bottle my emotions till I explode. We all have limits. Reached the point there are moments I feel sucidal. I was on medication for me sleep only for short term and has nasty side effects. Lack of sleep plus stress affects my skin as whatever you feel on inside shows up on outside. I hope to move away far away from my toxic unhelpful family.
@@sammythehamster9093 what mental health app are you using. I didn't know that there were such things. It seems like something I might could benefit from, or at least check it out, and see what it's all about.
Here I thought I was the only one😆😂
She just nailed me. I worried that I was a narcissist because of my aversion to rejection. So much aversion that I haven’t dated in 9 years, don’t socialize, and over achieve at work so as not to be criticized. But narcissism doesn’t play out with my desire to help others and do animal rescue, etc. now this thing, where I tell myself I’m not good enough and avoid people as a result has a name RSD, hmmm 🤔
Watch out for overachieving at work. If you’re constantly outdoing your superiors, you could be in for a world of trouble. Bosses are often insecure too, and they want to feel like they deserve their role. Anyone who threatens their security is going to be tossed aside. I’ve had firsthand experience with this unfortunately. I didn’t realize what was happening until I left
If Your so worried about being a narcissist that you haven't dated in 9 years, Then Your Definetly not a narcissist hun. Your more of an Empath instead, the opposite of a narcissist. Maybe Narcissists in your life have gaslighted you to believe you are a narcissist.
OMG SAME
@@beautifulspacesllc Your not a narcissist either then, your more of an Empath as well most likely. I encourage you to read about what an Empath is to see if you're one.
I feel EXACTLY the same! I've avoided social situations or moving up at work (just sticking to what I know and really doing the best work I can so as not to get criticized). And that's awesome you do animal rescue! That's my passion too :)
Very well explained! RSD is sooo common in ADHD. I thought I was the only one to feel that way. Now it all makes sense :)
Same, I have ADD and the first time I met a therapist I was so overstressed because I didn't know how to react and act because I am a people pleaser and didn't know how she wanted me to act.
It sounds really horrible I can't imagine being soooo sensitive to criticism I get yelled and and called an idiot about every work day.🤷♂️ I don't know how I would handle it if I couldn't take criticism.
Me too
@@cedricburkhart3738 Please leave that job. You don’t need to be treated that way!
@@lgamble Well I have been here for 4 years now so I think I can handle it besides I don't know what else I would do.🤷♂️ I was never good in school. I can't really spell and I'm really bad at math.
It makes me want to cry finally hearing someone put a name and explanation to thoughts and feelings that I just can't understand or express. After so many years. Thank you.
I couldn’t put it better myself!
ikr, same
That's a made-up word, it's not a thing. Look up "social phobia" or "vulnerable narcissism" instead.
Yep!
And CBT bans information about Complex Trauma.
It is recognized by WHO's ICD-11.
RSD is not diagnosis. We need to be careful with CBT - it is extremely dangerous and misused therapy that is doing more damage than good.
@@rv706 howabout you learn about Hou the lack of dopamine plays a role in gratification and the feeling of success. People with adhd and to an extent have a lack of this neurotransmitter aswell as others like norepinephrine. The conditions you pressed are also comorbid symptoms for the syndromes like adhd and asd.
I have both but am considered, "gifted" yet I hate the term because I don't see being depressed and scared of people as a gift especially when I'm considered attractive and have an inability to act on my attractiveness unless I'm 100% sure I'll attain a decently positive response.
You're ignorant of the harsh reality of people's interpretations of the the world and the prevalence of that subjective worldview or its impact on the productivity of an individual or the sheer weight the condition bears.
I hate my intelligence and I'd give it up for social intelligence. I am able to mask the problems I have but only to an outward appearance. I fail at social interactions, can't make eye contact, always say yes to please people, sacrifice myself for others, hide my emotions and ironically understand others emotions despite being autistic.
No joke, I hate my Condition and have wanted to delete my self from the universe because of the loneliness I get to experience day in and day out. And to further my claim to attractiveness though I think I'm not is that I'm 5'9" 150lbs and a gymnast and in relatively good shape for a 36yro.
I honestly can't handle rejection very well. I don't recover quickly. I wish i did.
You're not alone.. it's very common, and I hope some of the tips offered in the video are helpful :) xoxox
@@Katimorton This was incredibly helpful. I've never felt so... seen and understood. thank you so much. @EuRice Queen, I am the exact same way and didn't realize what it was till now
I can handle rejection why am I difrent? Was it because my parents loved me? I think criticism hurts me if it's from someone I really care about and respect.🤔 It can make me feel sad ashamed and afraid and even angry. Well I feel angry more if I don't feel it was a fair criticism. If I think it's fair I kinda feel sad and ashamed.
@@Katimorton I have a question for you keri..but not about this..where can I write you? Serious question..ty keri..I enjoy your videos.
Yup
Funny this should pop up as I'm laying on my bed, trying to parent myself through a (perceived?) rejection scenario. I was emotionally neglected and abused in my younger years, up into early adulthood. Rejection, feeling I've fallen short in any aspect and disappointing people is excruciatingly painful and difficult for me. I am a recovering people pleaser. Thankfully I have a therapy appointment on Friday. 😐
i feel this all too well 🥺 you got this! 💕
Same I felt this way just this weekend and this morning I felt I've let everyone down, and that I'm just not good enough, it is extrememly painful and difficult and I didn't know RSD was a thing until now, So i guess this video was meant for me to see. makes me feel abit better that I'm not losing it, and I just have a lot of pain about something somewhere and I'm not seeing it.
Good luck on your journey, be well. 🙂
I think I resonate with this as I was bullied a lot in school, my family weren't bad at all so I think the only place this stems from is school, kindergarten specifically
Recovering people pleaser here and I am living for my therapy sessions nowadays. I feel so hurt from the rejection I’m going through that I actually contemplate running away from everyone and if I could, myself as well. 😔 We will continue on this healing journey. ♥️
My father showed zero interest in us as kids, and I think that’s caused a lot of this kind of thing in my adult life. I always seem to be hyper vigilant about friends and family disowning me. In social situations, I act like a total extroverted comedian, trying to make everyone laugh so they’ll like me. It’s exhausting but I can’t seem to help it. And when I perceive someone doesn’t value me, I always have to fight the urge to cut that relationship off before they hurt me. It’s like “ILL do the walking away, not them.” But it’s bullshit. LoL. Christ my brain! Thanks for the video, I always just referred to it as “fear of abandonment” but this is a little more specific.
Every rejection or perceived rejection feels like a death with all the grief of a serious loss every single time no matter how big or small the rejection is. Then you get extremely pissed off at your brain for not being capable of reacting “normally” to rejection and not being able to brush it off like neurotypical people. So much grief, pain, and anger
I lived my life with the belief that if I didn’t try, I wouldn’t feel the pain of rejection or failure. This kept me safe and small and invisible and in deep emotional pain. Only realising that the pain was there to tell me something I really needed to hear. It’s not been easy and it still stings but trying new things and failing has been enormously helpful for me.
Rejection or perceived rejection from others though - that’s still crippling. I still have no friends and spend every evening alone. I would love to change this one day and have genuine social interactions with people that care about me.
Huge love to all my fellow RSD sufferers out there. 🙌✨♥️
I've had this too - I was in my late 30s before I was diagnosed with ADHD, RSD, and Autism Spectrum Disorder, and in some ways it was a HUGE relief and things like all the things I avoided made a ton of sense.
But, one thing that seems to happen as you get older (I'm in my mid 40s now) is that at SOME point, the regret of "all the things I didn't do" gets to be larger than the fear of "what if I fail" and that sucks in one way but also is motivating in another, sort of a "hell, I've wasted half my life being afraid, am I going to waste the other half too?"
Hell, that's why I'm even writing you back right now TBH, but you start building a tiny bit of momentum in that direction, baby steps, and it gets easier.
Sending love to you Edward. ❤
@@colonelb "diagnosed with ADHD, RSD"
RSD is not diagnosis.
Yep.
We are told via CBT that our thoughts are sick and abnormal - and that we must fix our thinking.
What happens in reality - is that with this CBT "advice" we destroy our self worth and create severe personality disorder because we think deep down our character is abnormal. CBT must be banned and those in authority must go to prison for misdiagnosis and keeping RSD away from light.
Social anxiety is still being explained away as disorder. Nobody connects it with RSD. just check wikipedia or random google web pages or 99 percent of you tube videos.
Yes rejection hurts, when all of your life you've been rejected by family, friends, jobs, etc.
Yes I always contributed it to my abandonment issues and social anxiety (not disorder) issues
One time I got denied a job at an interview because I "looked to depressed "
@@Boudicaisback Don't feel alone, I looked too desperate.
@Icewulf the worst part is this was for a fast food restaurant. Yeah I was depressed and I was trying really hard to hide it
yes it leaves you on social beneifts
Oh, MAN! This is so me! I am totally fine speaking and performing in front of hundreds of people but there is no way I will ask a woman out because of the multiple rejections I had as a teen.
I've been alone for my entire adult life because rejection is so painful. I wish I'd known to get therapy earlier but now it's too late for me.
Thanks, Katie.
❤️❤️❤️
I didn't know that RSD was linked to a fear of failure. I always have lots of self doubt as to whether I can deliver in a promotion and a fear of failure prevents me applying.
One thing that can also help with that (I have RSD as well) - is in the case of something like a new job:
If you do nothing, you "won't get the job" - so if you try for it, you'll either still "not get the job" or "get the job" - so your situation will either stay the same or get better, it won't get worse (you already don't have the job if you don't try)
It's normal to think that the cost of doing nothing is zero, but doing nothing has a cost too, it just may not be as obvious or immediate
Discovery of RSD is the same as decoding DNA genome. We will know exactly what is problem, what to look at, what to fix . as oppose to listen to faulty CBT which "explains" that our mind is sick and abnormal.
Basically everything Kati said, applies to me. But the more I investigate the issue, the more I think, that my fear of rejection or failure isn't the main thing, its more about the way people interact with me. It's the fear to be subject to someones anger or aggression, someone being mean or abusive. If someone rejects me in an nice and honest way I actually don't have a huge problem.
Very good point! When someone rejects or criticizes me politely or neutrally, I don't think I really care about it much at all. Because I know I can fix my shortcomings. Don't care about praise either. But the constant irrational toxicity is what eventually made me isolate myself from the outside world. Isolation is like a mental hygiene for me, it has improved my well-being, but then sometimes I witness someone else being abused for some petty reason and it declines again. So my guess is it may not be all about self-worth issues either.
With me it does not matter how it is framed. Polite or otherwhise. It does not even have to be a "real" rejection. Just picking up a phone during a movie, watched together, can cause me to cancel all social gatherings with unrelated people for a few weeks because it stresses and tires me out that much...The closer i am to that person the worse it gets so i tend to not let anybody close enough for a deep relationship which causes lonlyness. Vicious circle.
Excellent comment.
@@vlst8715 Yep. Because those of us who fawn - we are already doing everything possible to avoid errors. We go to extra measures which 99 percent of people would never do ever. We make sure with time limit and money aspect and our space to please other people - and when people do not have ability to see that we have done everything to make their life comfortable - the real fault lies in egocentric people who are spoiled.
Like theme in Preminger movie from 1958 "Bonjour trisstess"
This channel is a lifesaver. I'm consistently learning that what I feel and the way I react to things isn't unique to just me. Other people have these problems too.
"Playing it out to the end" is a thing that i have been doing this past months when I'm overwhelmed by emotions (when there is something that triggered my RSD). I just imagine how things would playout, the worst scenarios, and how I would deal with it.
Imagining scenarios in my mind caused me intense emotional pain and physical pain. But It would also help me deal with the RSD since it exhausts my mind to the point that I'll ended up fast asleep right after.
"Playing it out" and sleeping right after really helps my RSD. I feel refresh and unburdened when I wake up. Though it takes too much time and effort to imagine scenarios in your mind. haha.
I really always thought, that my reaction and fear of rejection is "only" my sensitivity. This video is really helpful!
Seriously?
There is no one who has ever lived or will ever live who does not struggle with fear of rejection. It's just that some (e.g., Trump-like bravado people) compensate with false bravado, some compensate by pretending the whole matter does not exist (distracting themselves with pursuit of fame, money, alcohol, etc.) and some (like you) think about it and are honest about it.
(not a mental health professional) - soooo many people have mental health issues that go their whole life without ever getting help. There is still a lot of stigma about it, like if you have a problem it's a character flaw.
Social media definitely has its faults but one of the BEST things about it is that it connects folks and builds communities of people that may otherwise have never realized how many folks were "just like them", you are definitely NOT alone, and it's okay.
@@chuckm1961 people who have this dysphasia are unable to distract themselves. That’s how intense this pain is that they either self-Medicate or desperately need to be seen so that they can have the meds that Katie mentioned.
Any change in tone, body language, misunderstood words, or mishearing or being heard or an action seeming to hint at it..I seriously struggle like these things alone are going to be the end of my life, which sometimes in the past has seemed better than full out feeling it.
I never thought about the possibility of RSD being triggered by myself not feeling enough or happy with what I've done. This is such an interesting piece to think about the next time I get frustrated when not being perfect at doing a new thing right away!
Kati: Most of us can recover from rejection quickly.
Me: Wait, what????
I have literally spent so much of my life pretending and making avoiding rejection/failure that I literally cannot tell what I like or enjoy.
I'm scared that UA-cam recommended this to me... I think it knows me better than I do
Re. "HALT" -- a great thing I recently saw is: "If you feel like everybody hates you, you probably need to sleep. If you feel like you hate everybody, you probably need to eat."
If I’m angry…. I probably need to eat, too 😂
This is interesting, but what if you have some types of eating addictions and disorders? I'm trying to steer clear of food as a problem solver, when it makes everything worse for me.
@@unowen7416 Fair enough. It's referring to the crabby, irritable mood that comes from low blood sugar when you miss a meal. The idea is you want to be able to recognize what that feels like, and "you feel like you hate everybody" is as good a description as I've seen. It's not meant to encourage dealing with bad feelings through emotional eating, but I can see how the similarity to that would make it extra difficult.
I think this is part of my issues. I gave up dating or trying to meet women years ago because each new rejection was just harder and harder than the last. Everyone I've ever talked to just told me dating is a numbers game and it gets easier, but it's always been the exact opposite for me. Even when women decide to not leave me alone and send overt signals that they want me to ask them out or reveal my interest in them. I always shut down and ignore them until they move on, because I can't handle the possibility of them rejecting me in that moment. Or even worse, further down the line.
Word.
Damn, you perfectly described how I feel and what I experienced. I am at the exact same point at which I don‘t want to date any women anymore because rejection hurts so bad.
Hmmm maybe you could be helped out by a dating coach.🤔
Similar experience with myself with trying to date and relationships. Romantic or non. Yet when I find something even if it is or turns toxic I still hold onto it for dear life. Taking out many of these emotions on my fiance that has ADHD but he is such an extravert when he is feeling well but an introvert when he isn't doing as what many people would describe as "the best in life" or when he doesn't have money. He is also the "quiet sufferer" Katie mentions. Internalising the majority of his feelings shutting dowm and "getting out" of the situation causing the rejection he feels.
Myself coming from a situation of childhood sexual abuse from one family member and unintentional neglect from another. This shaped my belief system into some major maladaptive thinking. I got into relationships through trauma bonding and not a "love, life, goal, personality chemistry" type of deal. They were unhealthy and condependant.
2 years before Covid hit I was in a healthy relationship after taking the time and therapy to heal from past wounds.
we. Got into a car accident one night and his air bag went off while mine did not. It caused me to over time develop an auto immune/ chronic pain disorder and it has caused so so so much resentment and strain in the relationship over time that I wonder if I will ever salvage the wedding cancelled by Covid and postponed by my own extreme feelings and emotions directed towards the situation. Often at times I wonder if it would been easier/better to have just kept my distance from this person as well and stick to being alone as then I know I will be lonely. But I won't be rejected (well i still struggle with self rejection)!but then I can only blame myself for that (guilt shame, anger resent shoulda woulda coulda)
Since this accident I thought he (expected maybe besed on commitment) may slow down his heavy social /project calendar. As I then had my life come to a sudden halt and was not able to do most everything I enjoyed or distracted me from the pain or even socialize as stupid Covid. The actuality of it is he is out and more busy during quarantine, restrictions and lockdown than he has been at home where I am permanently stuck..
I think we both have RSD and ironically that's also what my chronic condition that developed is also called. I subscribe to this channel because Katie is awesome however today I was searching my RSD (crps) and came across this video talking about this other RSD I think we both may have it in differnt ways.
After this novel I want to say the aspect of pushing someone away before they leave is very very very real and painful. It's nice to at least have the good memories before to reflect on instead of always feeling hurt and lonely..you know there is possibility for more or different outcomes. Yet if you "stand for nothing you will fall for everything" when you don't know yourself that's a very very real possibility.
@@melissadoesmakeup Damn friend. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil in your relationship. I'm sorry it's so hard.
I'm happy my comment spurred you to share. I felt a darn sight better about my issues just channeling my thoughts to the keyboard. I hope doing so provided some catharsis for you as well. 💜 Live well, and maybe talk to your partner about some of this if you haven't already.
Internal Family Systems therapy definitely deserves a mention. I did CBT for years, but it could only get me so deep. IFS helped me learn how to use compassion towards my wounded inner child in a big way that I never experienced with CBT. Not that I don't recommend CBT - it's probably best to start with CBT and see how far it gets you first.
Rejection has been a big problem for me in my life for about the past decade or so. Ever since my late teens I have been over analytical of myself and would have my life centered around the opinions of others and what they thought of me and to this day I still struggle with this, although to a lesser extent. Within the last few years I have started to develop more of a "I don't care what people think of me." attitude and I must say that it definitely feels less emotionally and mentally draining now that I am thinking this way. Thanks so much for an excellent well explained video on this order Kati. It really is self reflecting.👍🙂
Thank you for making this video, my family has always said "just let it flow off you like water off a duck's ass" and I sent them this video to clue them in why that has never been helpful and in fact contributed to my pain because I couldn't perform to their expectations that I just should choose to not feel bad.
I agree with you!
Thanks Kati! I didn't know this had a name. I always just thought of it as my cringe moments. Now I see more clearly what this can do to kids and their adult selves.
This got me thinking, a person can create a whole detailed short story on just one instance of what MUST be wrong with him or her or even the other person, when all he or she was just doing was trying to be friendly, but was ignored and didn't get a hello returned in kind.
Oh what a tangled web we weave. Help me Charlotte!
" I didn't know this had a name. I always just thought of it as my cringe moments."
This is far more serious than cringe.
This RSD means many people are misdiagnosed and given wrong therapy - specifically far more damaging CBT who instructs victims of abuse that they are hallucinating abuse and that they can change other people with their own thinking (ABC Model) which leads to schizophrenia and development of personality disorders.
Glasser wrote the book called Psychiatry can be dangerous for your mental health. He was correct.
This makes sense to me as someone who has dyslexia. I know it wasn't mentioned in this video but I did read in other articles that dyslexia can also lead to RSD. The constant corrections, criticism, and being told to keep up with others I think caused RSD for me.
I've just realised this is exactly what's happened with me too. Make a great deal of sense especially as I also had quite dysfunctional & abusive parents also. Always made to feel inferior to my two siblings.
Shoutout to my neurodivergent peeps, who else feels this?!
Heyyy for real, it’s so hard to be around people!
Often... too often...
Me.
Are you Chelsea Wolfe? (Look up her music, my comment will make sense later)
What is neurodivergent?
When I am criticized/rejected I feel as if my brain is shaking, I get tunnel vision, my heart races and my body feels hot. I feel like I've been hit over the head with something heavy. Stunned. I fall away into a place of deep, deep isolation like I've been shut out of the world. I once dated a guy who lived in a top floor flat. He had previously been seeing the woman who lived down stairs from him. Each time I walked past her door I experienced a feeling of terror. I felt paranoid and my thoughts would race. The only explanation I can come up with is when I was little my mum didn't like me. She was cruel and punishing. She would teach the rest of the family to freeze me out and ignore me. She would make me stand in the dark and forget I was there. She would rarely make eye contact or speak to me. The family followed her example and treated me with hatred. I always feel like I'm on the outside of life looking in. Now, as an adult, if I start to like someone, I become dysregulated.
I’ve avoided finishing my degree because a superior told me she didn’t think I was cut out for teaching during my student teaching. Everyone kept telling me to ignore her comments but what she said spiraled me into an intense depression and fear of going back because I’m so afraid of failing again and disappointing someone.
This video just cleared up issues I have been having since I was a kid. Thank you so much for providing this information, I feel like this helped me understand myself better.
I feel rejected most of the time. I've got a trip coming up to see a lot of family and friends and I'm freaking out...yelling at my boyfriend for no reason. Thanks for a new perspective.
Kinda sucks when you have RSD and low blood pressure. There’s always another way to get through mental illnesses. But I’m so happy Kati talked about this.
I was just wondering about this. I kinda want to try it but I have low blood pressure to begin with
Thanks Kati for shedding light on yet another layer in the seemingly never-ending challenge to heal from CPTSD/historic emotional abuse...
I have this and when I am going through it, death feels like the only way out of the intense pain.
P.S. I was diagnosed Asperger at a later age (female).
Thank you, Kati! I have struggled with this for the longest time, but I am finally making some headway. My therapist has presented several helpful approaches, and I've also made the commitment to starting each day with mindful meditation. I'm also taking guanfacine every evening now.
Even the tiniest criticism, expressed bluntly, triggers in me an irrational, angry over-reaction. I hate hulking out, feeling full of shame, or trying to do everything and please everybody in a frantic attempt to avoid be upbraided! The take away: it IS really hard, but I now think it is possible to heal and truly recognise, inside, that we are all worthy.
I'm so glad that I finally found a word for 'not having social anxiety or borderline/avoidant personality disorder but struggling a lot with social interactions due to perceived or real rejections'. I've had so many diagnosis or suspected diagnosis, where I always thought 'Yeah, kind of... but not really' and felt so alone and alienated because I don't have any mental disorder but I still have a mental issue going on. It was so frustrating because therapists just give you diagnosis and suddenly you are supposed to have a full-blown personality disorder, mood disorder or anxiety disorder although you don't perceive yourself as disordered or ill.
Thank you for this! I've been trying to explain my RSD to friends and family and I never had the words to express the feelings and symptoms but you did it amazingly, so thank you!
Oh yes! It can be paralyzing. I find I struggle with RSD in waves. Thanks for helping more people understand in such a compassionate way.
As a psychotherapist myself, I’ve never heard of this before! Thank you for sharing! I learn so much from your videos ☺️
I think it's relatively new and not in the DSM yet but it's definitely a very real, very concrete, very specific, very diagnosable, very easily defined thing,... unlike a lot of cloudy fuzzy things in the DSM :D so it should make it in some day
That's because it's just another nonsense label for an unwillingness to deal with your own bad attitude, created by people on the internet who are desperate for attention for how special and different they are. Everything has to be pathological and diagnosable now. That's how you avoid taking responsibility, blame the acronym Tumblr/Reddit diagnosed you with. Hearing it come from "a therapist" somehow makes it valid. Watch this space for Need Food Disorder, for those of us who experience the terrible affliction of hunger. It's a serious problem, honest.
@@channeling764 "the girl" I replied to is a psychotherapist, not just some random on the internet diagnosing themselves with anything and everything that they can relate to. Everyone has a degree of rejection sensitivity, it isn't a diagnosis in and of itself but can be exaggerated in relation to numerous disorders, a symptom. I actually know plenty about living with neurodivergence and complex PTSD but being misdiagnosed until my 30s, thank you, but your assumption of superiority is astoundingly helpful and productive! You are of course the only person in the world with any kind of problems, obviously! Glad I could give you something you could twist in your mind into a personal attack so you can stay locked in your victim bubble, you're definitely helping yourself.
@@channeling764 triggered? Because I told you that you're wrong? Lol. Don't flatter yourself.
@Melody Song I mean all dogs eat puke, it's a pretty normal behaviour. They eat shit too. And rotting animals. They're actually pretty disgusting creatures when you really think about it.
This has been eye opening. It looks like social anxiety. I’ve been diagnosed with GAD and let me tell you rejection is the trigger
This sounds really close to me. CBT helped me stop catastrophic thought loops and 'should' statements. no actual diagnosis (poverty lol), but thank you for this. something to start considering next time I spiral
LOOPING THOUGHTS OMG THATS WHAT I HAVE
I can relate to "poverty lol".
I'm glad there is an actual name for this mental illness. Everything mentioned hit right on the nail for me. People pleasing and timid behavior is a strong indication of RSD. It's exhausting to always "put on the show" for others, even family. The rebound effect makes you want to isolate yourself as a coping mechanism. This is also where social media addiction occurs as well due to the loneliness RSD brings. It's a deadly cycle that only affects you and not the people whom you are always trying to please in hopes they don't "hurt" you. I suggest reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
RSD isnt a mental illness in itself. It mostly occurs in certain combinations, linked to mental conditions. But I can see what you mean.
I get so happy when you upload a video! They help so much. Thank you Kati. We all appreciate it very much! 😊
Awe yay!!! Of course! I am so glad they are helpful :) xoxox
I could never put a name on this. I would catch myself feeling super sad and rejected for the SMALLEST of reasons, like the room going quiet after I said something, or getting a small critique and thinking it was because that person was sick of me being around. I would also associate my friends talking to eachother more than me as them enjoying eachother's company more over being around me. Whenever that happens, it feels like my brain is being pumped full of something that just makes my entire mindset and demeanor change. I lost my posture, my face wanes on any smile or alert expression.. it feels almost crippling to the point that I can't even continue my day.
Thank you for making this more known.
It is so relieving to hear my troubles are common and recognized. To everyone who struggles in their daily life with this. Don’t lose hope to be doing better someday! You are loved, you are strong. That’s what I also keep telling myself, and it makes just that slightest difference you need.
Discovery of RSD is like genome of all our issues with psychology that we struggle. It will help us to laser point our issues and devote our energy and focus in exact place - as oppose to overgeneralization from CBT and other toxic resources which misdiagnose our issues and lead us astray into wrong alley, spending too much money, focus and time on wrong things which could never work nor help us in any way but falsely promise to help. CBT must be banned.
I was diagnosed with BPD, but I have basically all the symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Thank you for sharing. This will definitely help in finding a way to the best treatment options for my mental health. I appreciate you!!
Thank you for this video. I have been struggling with the fear of rejection my whole life and I felt shame for taking rejection so personally. Before being to work on myself I didn’t even know I had a fear of rejection and then I started to observe the thought and intensity of my emotions. Very difficult for me to bounce back and it has really affected my relationship to others. Once again thank you I finally have a name for my experience and can began to understand it and work on it
As a 20 year old college student, my mental health is trash. Just got on adderall which has been life saving. Anyway, my fear of rejection was so bad. It was controlling my brain from functioning. I thought I was crazy. When my therapist brought up RSD, I literally cried, cried like a baby. Knowing I actually have something, knowing I’m not crazy changed my life!
Wow. I wish I’d known about this long ago - at my age I can’t undo decades of damage. But this describes me too well.
I have ADHD, and was only diagnosed last year at the age of 37. I've been told my whole life that I'm 'too sensitive', which in itself is incredibly guilt and shame heavy, and to add to it... ADHD (especially undiagnosed) makes you feel hurrendous a lot of the time as you are so overwhelmed with life and feel like you're constantly failing and not meeting your own expectations and others. Especially when you experience RSD multiple times a day (triggered events), it ends up being a gigantic day of stress and dysregulation of emotions.
It's a hugely difficult daily task just to try to regulate your emotions, let alone deal with your responsibilities every day when it comes to full time work, looking after the house, life admin, making shopping lists... It's endless. ADHD and RSD are a really tough mixture, and a lot of methods suggested to help with RSD just don't work well with ADHD like acronyms.. my brain cannot easily process and store these types of information, and I really struggle to recall. The things I do find useful are more creative and visual based tools such as the meter that the wonderful 'How to ADHD' lady provides on her channel that I can see on my desk whilst working. I can check in with the colour that represents my current emotional state ... Green is that I'm doing ok and I'm able to move on through the RSS trigger with minimal risk of damage to me and others, yellow is that I'm struggling and need to take a little moment to regulate and count to 10, take some deep breaths, and maybe note down what happened so I can reflect and reframe at another time, but continue with the task at hand. Red means I need to step away immediately and allow myself to use my tools to work back from red to yellow, then yellow to green. Risk of damage is at its worst at this moment and replying to someone or responding/reacting is not going to serve anyone well in this moment. I need to be kind to myself and address this later when I'm in the green.
A big point is, there is nothing wrong with us, we are normal, and we are capable...our brains just work differently and we need the right support and tools to get through it. The more we practice, the better equipt we become at dealing with these triggers. Be your own best friend and be kind to yourself, it's hard enough living with these issues, and the difficulty of living as a Neurodivergent individual in a Neurotypical world. 💜
It happens because it's linked to being "rejected" in childhood in some way, which is also the cause of all these different mental disorders. What disorder you develop largely depends on your genetics, but they are all simply symptoms, manifestations, of underlying trauma. Heal the trauma, heal the mental illness.
This x100000
It’s so hard to heal the trauma if it was daily abuse for all of growing up and into adulthood. I often wonder what’s worse the big traumas I experienced like being raped, or witnessing my college roommates suicide / death or the other daily things I experienced being beat down emotionally and physically beat as a child. I work with a therapist but don’t have med management at this time and am struggling. I think both pieces are huge especially as you go through and address issues and discuss the past with a therapist or anyone you trust, it’s hard work.
@@Joy-xz2fx Read "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving." It's THE best book out there on complex and developmental trauma. Read the reviews to see how much it's helped others too.
"rejected"
just say it what it is it is exposure to relentless criticism and nitpicking 24/7 in early age when we were impressionable.
". Heal the trauma, heal the mental illness."
True mental illness is in perpetrators of abuse. They have mental illness.
When we are targets of abuse - this is called reaction to abuse.
If we use label mental illness on ourselves - we will misdiagnose and mislabel ourselves, we will re-traumatize ourselves and reject ourselves as abusers did.
You cannot heal trauma if you label trauma as personal choice and something that is wrong with you to the core.
There is nothing wrong with our mind. Our mind works fine. We are not serial killers - we do not desire to harm other people - hence there is no mental illness.
@@GuppyPal ead "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving."
What you "forget" to say is that CPTSD is banned by corrupt medical industry and that pharma mafia is making huge money on trauma labeling it as mental illness and cognitive disorder.
While in the same time narcissists are left alone - those who are causing "mental illness" as you label it, into others.
WHO's ICD-11 recognized cptsd as valid concept.
American pharma mafia industry does not.
Always thought I had BPD. But as a female with ADHD this makes so much sense. I completely shut down.
I didn't know about RSD before. This is so much informative. 💖
Oooh I like the subtle music in the background
Yay! I will let Sean know.. since he does all the editing :) xoxo
Am I weird? I can’t hear the music in the background 😳
I think it's only at the beginning
I'm so glad you talked about this because I have heard this diagnosis can ONLY be found with people who have ADHD
same here, there’s so much misinformation out there. it made me feel so invalidated until i saw this video and realized that there ARE other’s that rsd is linked to.
Everything you say is true. Been that way for 49 years .. recently diagnosed.
Finally !!!! Now I understand myself !!!! Thank you Katy !!!
Now , How do I get rid of it ?
I don't know if this applies to anyone but I physically start to panic or get the surge of adrenaline when someone chastises or just criticizes me. I then hold a grudge or at least guarded around them. I'm constantly trying to get on their good side. I generally fear not being able to impress everyone I meet. I usually talk way too much to get a reaction of approval around them. If I don't, I'll feel like a failure. I can't stop it, or I don't know how to stop it. No one really knows who I really am.
Thank you Doctore. This video strikes me with truth. I cried watching it.
Your videos are great. 😍💐
Awe I am so glad you are enjoying them :) xoxo
There is so much to unpack. I don't even know where to begin. I watch these videos and identify with everything. Then I get anxious cause i don't know how to "fix" it.
I'm no Dr, but my husband and I agree he has undiagnosed ADHD. Its extremely obvious. I always saw this in him and I would get so aggravated (not in front of him) why he would take a harmless slight from someone and make it this big deal of rejection, or even perceived rejection if someone took too long to get back to him. But this gave me more insight.
Thankfully we have good communication and I can talk him out of most of them, but I still struggle with him having a big reaction if I correct something he is doing like in the most simple harmless was because he is say, watering the wrong plant or getting too much chicken feed. And he acts like I think he is worthless and cant do anything right. It's such a overreaction. It's never a fight or anything as I tell him it's ok, just do this not that. But it makes sense now.
i always thought i was just hated by everyone, apparently this is exactly what ive been experiencing, in fact i had an "episode" earlier today. i felt like someone's sibling-like humor was actually how they felt about me, which in turn made me feel like no one could ever like me. i felt a sharp pain in the middle of my chest, cried, and began ruminating on self-destructive thoughts. ive been dealing with this for a long while, almost couldnt believe that this was an actual thing. its an understatement to say im relieved, both that this is now recognized, and that others feel the same as i have.
This hits so close to home... this might be what I'm struggling with.
I hope you get better. It sounds really hard.
I found this INCREDIBLY helpful. I've never heard of this before! And I watch psych channels *all day* cause i dont leave the house cause of RSD!!
I spiralled into a 2-week deep depression bc someone left me off an email list. I perceived that I wasn't wanted in the group. Of course my therapist was away for a month at the time 🙄
Never knew there was a name for how I was feeling. Very eye opening watching this.
I recently learned about this related to ADHD; brought it up to my therapist and she laughed because I'm always "Therapizing" myself haha.
Get out of my head lady!
Kidding, I'm appreciating all the RSD videos I find. There's so many good ones. I only learned about RSD about a month ago but it's already helping me change. I already knew all this crap, but a new name that fits well is always helpful. I've also realized that the war between CBT & DBT is a lie because I benefit from a bit of both of them. I can't handle the excessive work involved in DBT, but needed to learn the concepts because I just want able to process through CBT without them.
I've learned how to recognize my feelings of rejection and determine whether they are real or perceived, unwarranted or valid, and what I need to do about them. Usually I end up sleeping on them overnight and get some clarity by morning.
Perhaps this is part of RSD, but as someone with ADHD, this video felt a bit one-sided as if we're at fault for feeling rejection so intensely when someone else's negative behavior is what triggered it in the first place. Why do I have to do EXTRA work or take extra meds because people can't be nice or take advantage of me because I feel the tools I'm learning are finally working?
I hear you. This video really hit home for me but something I've often grappled with is the idea of both/and. ..because it's not that other people aren't capable of acting Awful sometimes--that even covers a lot of the emotional abuse many of us grew up with, right? ..but I know that in order for me to feel healthy and grounded, I need that self awareness about my triggers to stay sane. You're right--that IS extra work and sometimes it really DOES feel unfair. ..but when I'm clear and empowered because I have that awareness, I can have a moment where maybe I get to leave other peoples' stuff, real or imagined, out of the equation and enjoy MY peace of mind, and Man, is that ever worth it!
You want everyone to be extra nice so you don't feel rejected? Sorry this isn't grade school where kids are forced to be nice and like everyone. Not everyone is going to like you not everyone is going to like me. You have to have some responsibility over how you feel, behave and think. The world can't tip toe around you.
@@coffeeandhorses7991 I think this is an unnecessarily harsh response. Human decency is showing respect for others. The person doing the rejecting should be doing so respectfully, not in a mean-spirited way. Can you try practicing the same?
I know how you feel, and don't read that other comment, they are shit, omg! It's because we can only control ourselves and not others. Other people may be 100% in the wrong but we can't change how they choose to act. I think treatment helps us become more in control of our responses, so we can choose how to act and not have too much shame afterwards. I know for me, even if I'm in the right about something, I will question endlessly the way I responded and feel shame. Then I end up apologizing to assholes because the feeling that I might upset someone is unbearable. I don't want to apologize to assholes! I want to be able to move on and stand up for myself when it is appropriate but also have some insight so I know when I might be overreacting.
@@coffeeandhorses7991 you literally missed the whole point...
I learned this word listening to TD Jake's. I didn't know or understand what I was dealing with at first. I never felt the effect of it until I got with what you call a narcissist. Totally made me feel a shamed and I was just being the same person I'd been my whole but it was good enough or even good in their eyes. I almost passed out one time just thinking about being around them when I got home. My heart was racing sooooo fast I thought I was about to have a heart attack, couldn't breathe, vision started fading and couldn't move. One time I sat on the couch for 2 or 3hrs just thinking and didn't even know the time had gone by. Dysphoria/ Narcissist can destroy your life but if you go to Jesus with that brokenness, rejection, pain&hurt and confusion he will help you, cleanse you and make you new. Trust him, trust him, trust him, give it to him!!!!!!! He cares about you. I'm being talked about as I'm typing this. God is still good!!!!!
I have adhd and find my adderall actually helps. I seem to have more of a pause between thought and action in the very least.
I tried to make myself numb to it all. But no matter what i do i still feel terrible. The flash backs are the worse. Even if no one even remembers them they are constantly popping in my head and making me relive it
I am more confused than ever. My “symptoms” overlap with so many different disorders. How tf do I get help if I and my drs, can’t figure out what is actually wrong with me?
Are you seeing psychiatrists? To get an actual diagnosis? Or psychologists? To talk through the issues you face and get strategies?
@@loueejackson6189 yes. I’ve seen a few. I’m just trying to research myself now because I’ve been misdiagnosed too many times.
I’ve been divorced three times and in each relationship I bent over backwards trying to be utterly perfect in order to avoid rejection. Now I’ve realised it’s just less traumatic not to engage with people in the real world at all. I stay in and only leave the house to walk my dog or to do the shopping. I avoid meeting up with anyone, even when I’m invited to do so. I’m hoping the invitations will dry up eventually and people will get the message. I’m 56 and currently waiting to be diagnosed with ADHD. Thank you for your video.
I have borderline and severe rejection sensitivity. It affects all my relationships
Yes, I was thinking about that. One of the symptoms of borderline is severe rejection sensitivity and fear of abandonment. I know what it feels like. 😢
I was looking for a video that I could use to explain RSD to neurotypical people and I think this hits the nail.
My daughter had a friend with ADHD and I think his lashing out might have been RSD. My god this kid was so back and forth. He’s pretty much stalking her even though she said she no longer wants to talk to him because of his irradiated and demanding behaviors. It’s kinda sad
not all of us are like your daughter's son, but im still very sorry for what she has to go through.
Stalking is illegal and your daughter does not have to tolerate it.
Thank you so much. This is me to a Tee. I have always suffered from severe social anxiety and shyness ever since I can remember. It has always been linked to my fear of a negative outcome. It has held me back all my life. CBT and life coaching has helped me a lot, however this has helped me understand myself more.
Great video Kait!! Super informative
Yay! So glad you liked it :) xoxo
This comes in synchronicity to conversations Ive had with close friends. Thanks Kati!
I've been extremely hesitant to get involved with romance at all because of my utterly distracting negative view of myself. I feel like no one could possibly think of me in a romantic or sexual way. It distracted me for years and every day I found myself saying "No one wants you, no one wants you." I also experience rejection anxiety when it comes to job opportunities. Are these seemingly isolated cases enough to look more into RSD?
I think so.. although I will say I’m no expert. But it seems like if the root cause of your unwillingness to start a relationship or get a job is due to a fear of rejection combined with a negative self image it definitely sounds like RSD
As a woman with an avoidant personality, ADD and RSD I'm absolutely guilty of dating or talking online with nice men then ghosting when I painfully consider all my shortcomings and predict the complete failure of the burgeoning relationship. I cant stand the notion that I will turn out to be an utter disappointment and someone I care about will see me as I believe I am.
I feel exactly the same dude. You described it so well. I'm 25 now and the thing I want most in life is a healthy relationship.
When I was 17 I was deeply rejected by my best friend, I really loved her.
After I did tell her this the third time, the friendship was broken. All the guilt I have felt, it was so hard to be rejected 3 times by a person who did know me so well.
Now it's 8 years in the past and I feel exactly the same. I think that its not possible to love me. I really think that. My friends tell me otherwise but it didn't help my constant fear of rejection.
Maybe it is true that nobody can love u when u don't love yourself
I realise that now, Monday I will call a therapist. Maybe they can help me, I'm so sick of being lonely and love deprived
I feel exactly the same dude. You described it so well. I'm 25 now and the thing I want most in life is a healthy relationship.
When I was 17 I was deeply rejected by my best friend, I really loved her.
After I did tell her this the third time, the friendship was broken. All the guilt I have felt, it was so hard to be rejected 3 times by a person who did know me so well.
Now it's 8 years in the past and I feel exactly the same. I think that its not possible to love me. I really think that. My friends tell me otherwise but it didn't help my constant fear of rejection.
Maybe it is true that nobody can love u when u don't love yourself
I realise that now, Monday I will call a therapist. Maybe they can help me, I'm so sick of being lonely and love deprived
Kati you are such an amazing person! Thank you so much for providing these videos.
No one:
Your brain: Hey, remember that dumb thing you did back in elementary?
Katie, its great that you did a video on RSD. Your reach will help millions of people be more aware of how damaging this symptom can be and provide assistance to those in need. Nicely done! I did my own video on RSD about 5 months ago and look forward to producing more content on how to manage the symptoms.
The doctor in some of the articles (Dr. William Dodson) was the doctor who diagnosed me and my wife with ADHD and RSD. (super knowledgeable, super nice and supportive doctor btw). Can confirm about the Clonidine (I had a bad reaction to Guanfacine but Clonidine works well for me), the best way I can describe it's effects are that it "lowers the volume" of the rejection feelings so that where it may have been a 9 out of 10, now it feels like a 5 out of 10, enough of a difference where the "flight or fight" part is better and I can stop and think and try the CBT/DBT tools. Would recommend trying if you're able.
Well done. I work in private practice and this phenomenon is much more common than people may think. I deal with it daily as CBT practitioner.
When i feel rejected I both internalize and externalize because I start to get really depressed, anxious, and suicidal and then i lash out and want revenge. It fluctuates a lot when I get very unstable like that. Thankfully it doesn't happen often but I do remember when it happened to me. But I do have major depressive disorder so it's hard in general.
omg… i think this is the most relatable vid on your channel for me o.o
definitely bringing this up in therapy this week, thanks sm for the information!! i had no idea this was its own thing! i fr feel like i just had a paradigm shift about like, my whole life :O
This hit close. It takes me so long to overcome this. I internalize it. I avoid it completely.
I've nearly given up on doing anything, especially when new people are involved.
I've lived a long time, though, and I will say to anyone reading here, please find a way to overcome this, if you are young, so many wonderful things await if you can get past the fear of rejection. It has kept me from accomplishing so many things. These days I have limited social activities [because social interaction is painful] and part of me feels like I'm just spinning out my days till The End.
Please love yourselves enough to try, seek help if you can afford it. If your folks were rejecting as you grew up, find a family of friends through mutual interests if you can.
Well I can’t afford it
This video was so helpful and full of information. Awesome!! Thanks for all you share Kati
Sometimes I feel like my RSD is so strong it should be its own diagnosis
I absolutely agree! Social anxiety really doesn’t fit anymore the more I hear about RSD!!
Same!!
(not a mental health professional) - my wife and I both have ADHD and RSD and in her case, it's REALLY bad to the point that she gets oppositional and defiant - a sort of "I'll reject you before you have a chance to reject me" sort of thing. When she was younger she'd quit a job if she did poorly before anyone had a chance to criticize her, and stuff like that.
Recognizing it though, was a HUGE step that, "it's okay and she doesn't have to be like that if she doesn't want to" and has helped her a ton.
If you're in a similar situation, know you're not alone and it's okay.
Just received your book can't wait to read it, I'm 42 and suffered with mental health since I was 10 Yr old and still struggle
If you are missing social skills all your life no drug will teach you