Mara the part where you shared feeling isolated as a child and how it follows you into your adulthood honestly hit home so hard. I really appreciate you expressing something I struggle with on a daily basis and, being in a pretty low point at the moment having someone to relate to was really comforting. I hope you're all good and ty for being a real one frfr on god no cap, broken adult gang
i like this style of youtube videos now where people interject real stuff that's going on in their life, it doesn't distract from the topic at hand and adds a real and human aspect to video essays that I feel has been missing
I’m really glad I decided to watch this whole video. I’ve been homeschooled my entire life, there was a point where I had some friends when I was a little kid but eventually we just didn’t see each other anymore and after that I became incredibly shy and wasn’t able to make any friends for a very long time. I have no drivers license or any reason to leave the house and so I always almost never go out without any choice if I want to or not. Since I was a kid I’m always alone in my bedroom repeating the same day. I feel like being so isolated for so much of my life has ruined me and I can see being lonely has shaped the way I think of myself and others. The parts where you talk about isolation and feelings of alienation were more comforting and understanding to what I’ve felt than anything else. People I’ve talked to about my loneliness say they’ve been lonely too and understand but I know they don’t have idea of how this isolation feels. I’m sorry if I’ve vented too much in this comment but this was a wonderful video, thank you so much for making it and speaking your feelings without any fear.
Hi- I feel a little bad commenting when I haven’t even watched this video yet, but I felt like I had to lol. You’re just like me. I’m 19 and I’ve been homeschooled my entire life. The last IRL friend I had was when I was maybe 8- otherwise I’ve been alone, cooped up at home, living more or less the same day over and over again. I get all of my social interaction online and I don’t have my license yet either for the same reason, I don’t even know where I’d go. Maybe it’s a little presumptuous of me to say this but I think I really, truly know how you feel. I know how it feels worrying that nobody will ever understand just how isolated you’ve been for your entire life.
I'm in a similar situation too, if that helps at all. I haven't spoken in person to anyone who wasn't a doctor in almost a decade due to being kept home by "homeschooling" (an excuse to isolate me from others). I'm 21 now. it's always really difficult knowing no one around you *really* understands the isolation you're going through. Everyone around me in similar situations has *someone.* Friends, family, even just coworkers. Being told in the midst of all that that people can't do this alone. But you are alone. It's hard. my heart goes out to you.
@@Jay-ob5yg Thank you, my heart goes out to you too. I have some people in my life now but they’re far away and I don’t get to see them too often. I truly hope things get better for you. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone
I also don't have any reason to leave the house or a drivers license (which equals independence here for some reason) and was homeschooled for a time. I feel like I'm only just realizing how awful being inside all the time without any friends is for my "humanness"(?) But the rare times I interact with someone I feel like inside is safer. The last time I had an irl friend was when I was 7. I'm not trying to say I know how you feel but ig I wanted to say I know isolation. I hope we get better.
The part where you talked about the girl who came up to you reminded me a similar thing that happened to me but in a opposite fashion. There was a girl in my class during my senior year of highschool who every once in a while greet me or try to crack a joke. I never knew her, didn't talk to her, and she as well sat at a opposite side of the room where she was. Yet she always took time out of her day to every once in a while say hi. I always wonder why she did that?
I watched the movie before this video because I feared spoiling myself. And then I watched this video. To say the least, it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life, and weirdly relatable too. I think this is one of my favorite things ever now.
I've lived on a farm for most of my life, I had pretty much no friends and was very quiet. My hobbies are very different from others around me, so I had no way to connect with people when I had the chance. This video feels so terribly familiar that it actually hurts to watch. I don't know how to feel after watching this, but thank you for making it.
I didn't expect to find in this video about Nekojiru a perfect description of this feeling of being an alien amongst others, at least it matched my experience pretty well. It's parasocial but I thought it was really touching.
I don't know how to put this into words but this really hit very close to home. Some parts mostly going back to senior school of having not that many friends, getting pick on for being the emotional and angry autistic kid and staying home a lot, struggling to interact with people does give me a sense of comfort I'm not the only one that has been threw something like this and I'm sure anyone else can stay the same. I feel like I gotten better over time but I do tend to go back to how I felt before and I hate when I can't seem to progress like I'm mentally feel like a teen but I'm stuck in a body of a adult and it weirds me out so much. Though everything you say feels so real and raw that I can't help but cry, I have trouble expressing how I feel towards people as it feels so hard to express myself to others at times, but you say everything I want to say out loud I feel heard and spoke to in a way that it feels like someone gets it, someone understands how I feel even though its threw a UA-cam video. I'm happy to find someone like you to embraces things that aren't normal or safe I feel more inspired by stuff that's so out there and abstract. I knew about Nekojiru before or its english name Cat Soup it was one of those things that I will one day watch but never did hope I can change that around to watch it for myself.
Hello, I have no idea if you will read this but I just want to comment on how much it hit deeply into my soul as soon as you started talking about the general sorta “no matter how close you get to someone, people you even consider the closest you never feel close enough”. I’ve always struggled with being a shut in, and coincidentally I found about Nekojiru at the peak of completely withdrawing from society. Despite participating more in society these days, I still always feel completely withdrawn from everyone and dwell on the internet most of my time. Found about you through the weird art video and immediately became one of my favorite youtubers to listen to.
'I understand how you feel, and it's not easy to deal with the pain of loneliness and fear. But you can't give up on yourself. You have the potential to be the ... you dream of being, and you deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate you for who you are. Keep pushing forward. Don't let your present circumstances define your future. There are people out there who will love and care about you.' And they won't show love with exclusion, neglect, intolerance, shaming, lying, demonizing every perceived part of me, force me to hide my away for my own safety, and give unavoidable punishment and verbal abuse whenever I'm visible? I had my first not toxic relationship this year. It lasted a month and a half. The coworker had health problems and left without a word. My soul needed not to know what safe interaction felt like. My soul was allowed to breath, for those 40 odd days. Its back to holding its breath. And its more starved for oxygen now than it has been ever.
You can give up and it isn’t giving up; it’s making a choice you’re entitled to choose. What people mean when they say you can’t give up is, I don’t want you to and I’d rather you feel bad than choose how you wish to. If life is too unbearable and those around you would rather take part in the system that’s causing the suffering, it might be a mercy for you to die. That’s the truth 🤷♀️ people who say you can’t do that don’t have enough comprehension of suffering to understand the utter selfishness of that they demand of another when they guilt them into staying alive.
i hope you can use that starvation to motivate you to try again. that air is so fucking amazing and its worth to seek out pockets of more air. trust your newfound need. find more of those and fight to receive it as you should.
i can relate to so many of your feelings/experiences as a fellow autistic person. it’s hard knowing that i will carry this burden with me forever, but it’s nice knowing that there are other aliens out there. great video
Holy shit you have perfectly encapsulated my relationship with loneliness. Not disconnected from people by a lack of trying but being incapable. And why look for more when loneliness is comfortable enough
This really beautifully spoke to a topic I've been thinking on for months. Reaching another person, letting them into your life despite the shared hurt, seems so insurmountable but at the same time the only way to fend off the fear. I think it's the art, the characters, the disembodied voice without body or context beyond words, that brings us the closest to seeing one another even from positions where we still can't do much more than stare, hope or "smoke". I think this is precisely why created unfiltered art is so important, as you've said, for there's so much words and simply seeing each others bodies is entirely incapable of mustering in us. There's always that one piece of another that has the answer we miss, and it always seems to be in their deepest recesses. As misanthropic as Nekojiru seems to be, it still managed to bridge that gap, to speak to something. I hope everyone can find their missing pieces on the bridge to other people's selves and that no one gives up on establishing the idea behind the physicality. Thank you for letting us in, at least a little bit.
Mara I adore your videos, your voice, your thumbnails and narration, loneliness is a horrid feeling that attacks daily after you've felt it for the first time, but there's hope, at least I believe there is
The cruelty of the outside world leaks into us, and makes us cruel. And the first victim of that encroaching cruelty is always ourselves. I hope that you know the impact you have on the people who watch and enjoy your creations, and know many other empty-eyed people live in this world, contemplating the same things that you share with us. Thank you. While it still hurts some days, the lesson Nekojiru teaches us is that the cruelty of the world is what makes creators like you such treasures. When instead you could curl up around yourself and isolate with the pain, you instead choose to do something, anything, to connect and be vulnerable and honest. In our empty eyes, there is the yearning for what we are to be something lovable.
I don't know what I thought I'd be getting into when I saw this in my recommended. Maybe just another long video essay to listen to while I work, but there's a lump in my throat now and I'm trying not to cry in front of my coworkers. This was uncomfortably relatable, and yet strangely cathartic. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for existing.
Mara coming in with the best YT video I've watched this year! This felt to me like a culmination of a lot of ideas and styles you've been playing with for a while. Extremely relatable back half too. I think a lot of people with obsessive interests in media (and particularly anime and manga) have experience some kind of profound alienation at a young age - expressed often in either introversion or like, really performative actions. The way you connect this to Nekojiru both feels really relevant to the material and genuinely affecting.
Nekojiru holds a special place in my heart. I also obsessed over her body of work once i watched Nekojiru-sou, at my early 20's. Maybe during one of my darkest moments. I was chronically insomniac, my depression had developed into dysthymia, my prescription of over a year was giving me really bad secondary effects, of which a decade later im still suffering from, mostly memory leaps from back then. It felt unreal, honestly, dream like, like a nightmare. To this day i dont consider those years as something that happened to me really but also, the consequences let scars so deep i know for a fact everything did happen. Isolation and loneliness is not something ypu can just imagine feeling. Nekojiru's works spoke to me on a subatomica level. But the documentary and blogposts about her suicide made me feel strangely seen, and wondered "would people speak like that about me if i die too?" "Oh well, i would need to make something beautiful too to be remembered so fondly" "man, I'm jealous" Is weird to be saying this stuff aloud to but, back then i was in the middle of a really bad crisis that just made me think about diying a lot. Beside gory manga and morbid media, my greatest obsession was just death. I went on forums, spoke on anonymous imageboards about the topic (not 4chan, worse places) searched on seedy websites about serial killings and crime scene photos and photos and photos. Is weird to speak as a person who has a actually seen those corpses under that rubble willingly and went the other side not feeling that different. Dumped in the middle of the carpet, on the garage, with limbs sawed off and a sleeping looking expression. Brownish dried blood splattering the bedcovers, the walls, their clothes.... Those images that now occupy my brain and that altered the way i see the world, from the comfort of my room, in my bed, all alone at night, a shut in who can only imagine and dream of the worst posible way in which i could leave this world. At the moment it didn't affect me, but today, it torments me. I keep repeating every day that i deserve to get better. That the amount of change I've gone through wth therapy is okay, and is valid, but also, i cant shake the feeling that im just learning to hide it better, and that this change is just part of the camouflage. To this day, i dont feel a lot when i think about death, and maybe that's what torments me the most. Of lacking that reaction that other people have. That guilt and repulsion for the morbid, the bloody and gross. Even when decades go by, i still feel atracted to it, as a part of myself that is capable of inmense cruelty too.
i think its ok to be attracted to that morbidity. its part of life and the horrors of it. its good to have a source to channel it through talking, journaling or art.
I really resonated with the point you made about people trying to over-correct "problematic" art. I've been made to feel morally inferior because I like dark stuff, as if that says something negative about who I am and what I stand for. It's such a crock and it sucks whenever it happens, because it puts me in this unenviable position where I have to justify whey the messed up thing I like isn't bad. More than anything though, I just feel sorry for people like that, so incurious about art and unable to see things beyond the surface level, just dismissing something based on a kneejerk reaction. Anyways, loved the video, your passion always comes through so strongly in your work, love what you do girl!
Yeah, i've also seen some sketchy people say that liking lholi corn is just as reprehensible as liking murder mysteries cause gore and violence. Critical thinking left the world, that's all i'm gonna say
@@AdrianDiaz-u9l I don't enjoy anything that's just shock value for the sake of it, I have to feel like there's a reason for the content being the way it is.
@@AdrianDiaz-u9l who cares? Who makes the standard? Who gets to say "this is the correct kind of dark and this is the bad dark"? You realize it's all very subjective right?
Beautiful art. I remember the time in middle school I befriended a theater girl, and I smugly told her that depression was a made up thing after she told me she got depressed sometimes. She hit me, and she wouldn’t stop hitting me. I’m glad she did though, because at least I can rest easy knowing she has the strength to fight depression, even if it involves beating dumbass strangers in fistfights.
Not sure if you see this but I still want to comment on the off-chance you do. Now that Ive watched the whole video, I want to say thank you for giving a little more insight into your life even if it wasn't the main reason you made the video. Vunerability isn't something that people often express about themselves (at least in a genuine manner) and I think its nice to have a blurry glimpse into another persons life, problems and all. Even though I probably don't struggle with it as much as you do, I somewhat understand how frustrating it can be to communicate with others when in the end it seems like everyone goes on with their lives without a second thought. I don't have any advice on how to help given how clueless I can be, but I wish that life in general gets better for you in the long run.
I liked your video a lot. Living in isolation for so long is an odd thing. It kinda feeds itself and leaves you feeling inhuman. The worst of it is that the people who probably would relate are just as cut off as you are. So thanks for making this. It’s nice to be reminded you’re not so alone in everything. I’ve been needing something like this.
Thank you for making this piece of art, it speaks to me in a way i don't know how to express. Sometimes, i feel that drive too, to simply become invisible and stop being part of this world, but i'm glad i'm taking the steps to cross over this rickety bridge. I wanna see the other shore, even if when i phase through myself, it feels scary as shit. Again, thank you, this is so meaningful and i'm so thankful i got to smoke it
I'm so glad you talked about nekojiru as it's a piece of media i hold so close and near to my heart. I found out about around 3 years ago during my sophomore year of high school while i was going through a rough time emotionally and physically. I never thought I'd see someone discuss her work in the way you covered it and I'm beyond grateful for the way you discussed this topic. When people bring up her work, they mostly bring up her passing more than her body's of work. But I'm glad you didn't just summarize her and brought attention to the manga, animated shorts and the cd ROM screen savers. Her work has greatly impacted the way I go about my daily life, especially her diary entries (I think about them constantly). Her work and world have kinda shaped me into the person I am. I plan on getting a tattoo of her work within the next few months for my 18th birthday. Thanks for covering this topic !!
new watcher here but this video is genuinely beautiful. the part in the video where you mentioned Nekojiru's behavior made me relate to her even harder as an autistic individual. beautiful video once again.
I love this video sm, I resonated a lot with your ending notes. All these years, I feel alienated from everyone else, even when I'm surrounded people I care the most. It was exhausting thinking in how to progress into a relationship with other people. I've also struggled with my own identity, whether it was shaped by other people or if it even existed at all. I read a few pages of nekojiru after watching this video, I love how bizarre and hilarious it is. I'll watch the anime and movie in the weekends.
I watched as much Nekojiru content i could grasp on UA-cam so i could finally watch this video. The title caught my attention, "empty eyes" was something that i'd hear people describe me almost every single day, so when you shared your own personal experiences, i cried a little. My parents would call me out for my empty expression and how i'd look lifeless and how it irritated them, it always made me feel less than normal. For the same reason, i always found socializing harder, people just thought that i looked so disconnected, eye contact was always difficult. Even if it was unintentional, you made me feel less alone. I'm happy that I could connect to your story, so thank you for this video and your thoughts really.
thank you for making this video and opening up about yourself. growing up, id never known anyone like me: isolated, scared, quiet, yet questioning and, unnoticed by everyone around me, smart. now, i'm quite okay, but i still am glad to have watched this video. all the memories you described and the reflections & questions you brought up struck home. i got blasted to past bro. and i know while it does nothing to change my past, i am just glad to know there is another person out there who grew up in a very similar way to me, and that no, i was never truly alone, nor will i continue to be in the future. i think you're on the right track. i think you're going to find the answers you seek and the solutions for anything that fits the best for you and your values. and off topic, but, instead of deleting negative comments yourself, is there someone you think would be down to help manage the comments section for you?
I presented a panel on underground manga at my local anime con, and I got to delve into Nekojiru a bit. I love their work and am always looking for ways to introduce others to them. Thank you for making this essay and doing so also!
The calmest part of my 8 hour day of slogging and working every day is listening to your videos. They make me happy cry. I hope you have a happy life c:
I hope the crowd of peeps who tune in to listen to your thoughts and opinions never becomes overwhelming, it is neat hearing you talk about stuff you like
I'm thankful you explained that you did not want Chiyomi's death to dictate the emotions of the latter half of this video, as you said it can be tiring or almost sardonic to make content off of the emotional tug of including tragedies of creators when you're talking about something. I've said it before in the last video, but what draws me into your stuff is how you personally cover your actual enjoyment and ties to the media you talk about. I appreciate what you bring here, and I'll always smoke what you're packing.
I came to this channel through the Weird Art video, your work is wonderful Mara and this video made me think too much, some parts I felt too much inside me and in my story I don't know you but I hope you are well and proud of this work sister, you can see the passion and love for Nekojiro Sleep peacefully, you have done a good job, tomorrow will be a new day, I just hope you continue making this beautiful content
i was just talking in therapy about how i don't feel so isolated in my experiences now compared to how i felt as a kid. its all due to so many people with similar experiences bravely talking about it in the open - thank you, mara, for sharing your personal thoughts. it keeps making me feel less alone in the world and less weird. We're in this together, we're walking on different paths but maybe in parallel ways. if i could hug my kid self i would, she deserved better. but i can hug myself now and make the world better for my future self.
When I was a kid they had a copy of "Cat Soup" at the video rental store me and my parents would always go to. I would always go right to the anime section and they had put it right at my 6 year old eye height so I always wanted to get it. Some review on the back called it something like "hello kitty on acid" and of course my parents took one look at that and said no every time. I came back to it as a teen with unlimited Internet access and a house mostly to myself (parents both divorced, with full time jobs) and it has been so important to me ever since. It has had a big impact on my art, and I relate to it deeply as I have always struggled with isolation and just not feeling like what people expect of me. Great video, thank you.
I think Nekojiru is just a pure form of expression. Following lines of thoughts that never quite begin nor end, twinged in varying shades of emotions, coloring vague approximations of things within us that are just a breath beyond comprehension. Then trying to create "something" that not only helps the artist synthesize it but tries to share it to others, maybe to forge even the smallest of connections or as an almost desperate means of validating a thing without form or substance. I'm happy I found this video, to have a memory tarnished by time shine from the blackness between thoughts, and to know someone else ponders the same things I do.
sufferin with all sorts of crap, i can relate with this alot. iv always felt just, different from everyone and everything, even when people are so close and care so much, its just, this odd feeling, like i dont deserve and dont belong, and this video just made me think alot, on how even when one feels so different, they can share that feeling of difference.
I'm really glad I stumbled onto this video. I've seen a lot of reaction images panel from Nekojiru not knowing what it was from but this really helped me understand the source material more! Though i also relate a lot to the hermit crab analogy you made towards the end. After years of isolation growing up lurking and learning about the world online, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to hold a real deep human connrction with anyone outside of just being the one who listens. Thanks for making this
i dont think i can put it into proper words, but i want to explain how much this video hit my feels. the humor, irony, bitterness and beauty of this essay is something i cant match with another video ive watched. keep up the good work!!!
There’s something beautiful about this video. So deeply expressing how unique humanity is and how flexible morality changes on any given persons mind. Telling how being lonely, sad, empty and uncertain is just apart of being alive. The realization of being a human and just experiencing emotion is incredible. What a feeling this video can so easily explain. Amazing work.
I just recently found your channel, and I really vibe with everything, especially as an outsider. I may be a rando online, but I believe in you, don't let the world grind you down. The peice of Japanese media I vibed with is a book called "No Longer Human" and from what you said of the author of the video, she parallels the author of no longer human.
The best video on everything Nekojiru I've ever seen, and the rawness/earnestness of you talking about your emotions/feelings on life and such really touched me. I hope you'll be okay long into the future.
ur videos are so beautiful and have genuinely changed the way i want to make art, the reverence u hold for what u talk about is good shit. i get so excited when u upload
"its not like I'm anything tangible to you, the viewer" of course you are to me. Just like your parasocial relationship with Nekojiru, I also think of you as a human being, even without the literal sense of being able to see or touch you, I just know you are an extraordinary person who inspires me to see art and the world with other lenses. And I think that's beautiful about the relationship between content creator and viewer.
Theres a chnace that you might not see this comment but i want to say the feeling of the last chapter reminds me of the desire to not exist, the feeling to fall and just disappear, in my worst days i just want to fall and just rot, becoming one with the ground to no one to notice me or remeber me again. I am a social person and no body knows of this desire, seeing this video just felt like a weight off my shoulders as i know that some people may know this desire, thank you for evething!
To be honest: I don't remember why I subscribed to you, but now your video popped up in my feed and the first few seconds took me straight into another world. I'm sure it's mainly because of the Silent Hill soundtrack in the background ;) but your voice and the movie you're talking about really get me. I'll take my time to watch it at the weekend! :)
Excellent! You've sold me on these lil cats, and the people behind them. I relate in some ways to your struggle with conceptualizing yourself with the burden of being perceived. How nice that you are still so different from me. Good luck, I respect your honesty.
I got about 3 minutes into this video and decided to watch both of the animated adaptations then come back and watch the rest of this video (The shorts and ova). And they have such a unique and interesting style to them. I went in with the assumption they'd be random in the ways that FLCL is and sure. Its confusing but it really had a completely different vibe that I was not expecting and really resonated with. And not only that. I also really resonated with this video too. Both Nekojiru and Mara make amazing work and I'm grateful for them both,
This is the best video essay I've ever watched, the commentary and the editing had me hooked from beginning to end. Prior to watching this video I had no knowledge of nekojiru but due to this video I think ima consume some of the art. The best part of this video in my opinion is the part where u talk about ur struggle with loneliness near the end of the video. As an autistic person that segment felt like a mirror in video form and it almost brought me to tears because the way you articulated your experiences it was as if u and me are the exact same person and for that segment I felt the same emptiness and hopelessness I felt at my lowest years. However, it did low-key had me worrying for ur own mental health and I can't help myself but to ask you if ur OK and if ur doing well. I wish you and anybody else who sees this comment good health. TDLR: Another banger video from mara
there were a multiple parts of this video that kicked me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me in such a Way thank you for creating, thank you for letting me listen
Finally! More people need to know about Cat Soup! I found this on a VHS at my library as a teenager, and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. The heavy themes, unique art, and incredible animation captured me. Thank you for posting this video so more people can know about this beautiful niche anime outside of my immediate friend group lol!
Fuck the folks that say your voice is weird and that you need to feel shame for it. It's a big part of why I come back to view your videos. To me, your voice is beautiful. Keep pourin' it on!
just wanted to say it's been a few months since I first watched this and I'm still thinking about it. One of my favorite and one of the most deeply comforting videos on this website. feels like you reached right into some old distant memories in my brain and shook the dust off it. Seriously inspired work.
I relate to what you said about solitude and living at night. I'm quite excited for this video!! Your channel is one of my favorites and your videos are excellent. I hope that you are doing well!
came into the vid curious about the title and thumbnail and got hella invested mid way thru. i hope u do well! something about ur content scratches an itch in my brain. cant wait 4 more vids
>>/ that's the life i live right now: quiet solitude at night, slowly creating and tinkering in my Computer Lab. this is going to be an interesting video, isn't it, huh
i don't really comment much anywhere, but i felt like i should let you know that nekojiru's work and your view of it deeply resonated with me as an illustrator who has always had trouble fitting in and found solace in my art. Your videos always have me looking away from my work to my second screen
Man, I read the story with the angry dog and the knife-on-a-stick years ago in raws not knowing a word of Japanese at the time, and there was something about it which haunted me. A while back I described Nekojiru's manga as having a kind of shamanic quality which I felt the short film captured better than the TV shorts, and while I suspect I'd enjoy Jirujiru Original significantly more on rewatch, I stand by the initial observation about the comics themselves. For all that they are inherently comedic and often vulgar or politically pointed or conversely pretty cute, there's this weird visionary aspect which makes them feel at once very grounded and more than a little eerie. Maybe it's being another mentally ill person with some very specific life experiences, but there are times when everything feels terribly heightened and you feel like you can see through walls, and Nekojiru captures that feeling perfectly. (It's also probably worth mentioning that Nekojiru-sou is one of my favourite films and that I find the ending in particular devastating in a way few other things can be, but that feels almost like a given as someone commenting on a video like this. Of course I cry watching Nekojiru-sou. It's why I'm here. :P)
I remember this time in high school where someone somehow knew it was my birthday and wished me happy birthday, in retrospect it was very kind of her, but then everyone started following her exemple and everyone wished me happy birthday that day and that got me absolutely depressed and angry that people who would act like I don't exist most of the time would all just posture at being nice to me because that one person did so. And when I didn't reciprocate beyond the first couple people they all started to just get upset at me but not even directly they started talking about how awful I was like I wasn't even there. Worst part of all that is that the one "friend" I had in that class didn't care enough about me to wish me a happy birthday so that made that whole experience even worse. I'm not sure why I'm recounting that here exactly, like, it's a different experience from that of the girl coming at your desk your described but that reminds me so much of that, existing in isolation, wishing you'd be seen but then getting hurt even more when seen because it makes you realize how exactly you are seen.
I am so happy that I found this video, I can't explain it but this is the first time I've heard someone understand me so well lol It makes me feel less like an alien I guess Wishing you the absolute best, I hope you're doing well, thank you for being so real.
Like Nekojiru this was a quietly outstanding video. As a kid I suffered from dissociative episodes due to extreme anxiety and connected with these two cute cats with the wide unblinking eyes. I’m glad I’m not the only one!
Your video makes me want to explore Nekojiru's universe. As always, I loved listening to you. I'm sending you strength and a hug if you want it. I related to parts of the video and understand feeling different and out of place in this world 🫂
Thank you for your wonderful work. This made my life better. Especially appreciate your media lists and Akira yamaoka appreciation! I hope you have a good day and a good life.
damn.. smth about someone just honestly expressing shit feels so human. this feels like a friend talking about something theyre very interested in, and its kinda sucks that the one of the only ways you can truly do that is through videos because its hard to find people irl who genuinely wanna hear about what you have to say. i dont think most people understand what it actually means to be a person, and that isnt very cool :3
16:05 me personally as someone who experienced grooming i do want to make art on that experience and how mentally shattering it was to my kid psyche; i want to portray it as accurate as possible and it will get sensitive but to me that’s the proper way of portraying what happened to me and other people with similar experiences and stories i don’t want people to be comfortable with it; i want you to feel the torture i went through to understand my media bc it’s important i also just love your takes oh how you inspire me
Thank you for this video, and for putting yourself out there into the world- it's not always easy, but it's always worth it, even when you don't get to see the positive effects for yourself!
I love your channel and you seem like the type of person i greatly relate to its been a long time since I found that channel that speaks to me and yours really did it. I also don't mind your accent its great i wish i met someone like you in person. Also that story hit me close to home i had some experiences like that were people tried to bring me in and i refused because i prefered being in solitude. Anyway thanks for making this video it really means alot and keep doing it.
I'm so attracted to your channel because you think just (un)like the artists that inspire you: Completely, unabashedly you. You don't care if it's "over the top" or "weird", and you don't think higher of yourself because of it either. You just experience life and do your best to understand and be yourself. You're an inspiration to me as an artist and a person, and I really appreciate you introducing me to similarly inspiring people.
I really love this kind of feeling, i always get it when a peace of media reaches me in a way i wasn't expecting, but its frustrating to want to write a long paragraph to express that to the author, im an artist, im human and i also want to share how this made me feel, maybe it inspires someone else to keep it up i dont know. And its hard because i dont really know how to express this most of the times and it also feels corny... But i think you can resume it as me feeling grateful to you for making such video, to push me to reflect, feel less lonely and at the same time get inspired, i know i just learned something new out of this and it'll be a part of me now.. Probably, at least for a while. I hope this is not too much too read and that its somehow appreciated.. ♡
Hang in there Mara! First video I watch, but to have someone be so open and vulnerable with themselves and others was something I didn't know I needed. Really made me think on how I approach my thoughts a bit. Instant sub.
Mara, it's like you remind me of a part of my soul that was hidden away. It's like finding a toy and then getting a flash of old absurd enjoyments. I love you.
I got to the part about having to delete comments about your voice. And man, I completely understand. I have a very squeaky voice, as well as a horrible speech impediment, and I didn't even know just how bad it was until 5th grade when I started to get bullied nonstop for those things. It was the first time it was ever an issue in a school setting like that. It hurt, and it still hurts. I don't ever reveal my voice online, and it felt so nice to have that sense of control over it. But it's grown into a problem where I want to be able to share things, to stream my art, to talk over voice chat with people I've known for years at this point but my fear holds me back. It's something I desperately want to work on, even if it scares me to no end right now. Idk, this is random. I just want to let you know that I enjoy listening to your videos, and I find your voice very calming, and that it perfectly fits with the topics you cover on here! I'm so sorry you have to deal with those comments, they're no better than 5th grade boys. I'm wishing you the best. :]
I watched the movie when I was in highschool, and I just revisited it a little bit ago. This video put so much into perspective, and than you for sharing about your life. I genuinely appreciate that
honestly, seeing that part on the documentary on nekojiro's death made me hopeful in a weird way. i'm someone whos socially withdrawn, not very outgoing at all, and generally lonely cause of things like my autism, but i want to be a mangaka and live in japan. seeing that somebody could be really withdrawn, even more than me, and have their art still be genuinely embraced by so many it becomes 'popular' to some extent, and just have enough people who have been effected by at all, makes me hopeful in a weird way, like maybe even i can make it. i know it's pretty different sentiment to what a lot of other people in the comments are saying because i have a rare situation, but i thought i'd put my two cents in.
I read a few of the mangas for this series. It was like a surreal dark comedy. They were taken down from the site I used tho, and now I can't find them anymore. One of my favorite stories is the one where the cat kids find a fishman who was grown in a lab (or he was captured by them, I can't remember), the drunken father slays everyone at the lab and decapitated the fishman; his head slowly dies after they get back home, which I found extremely dark and kind of funny.
I never had someone hit that close to home, wow i went into this knowing nothing abt nekojiru and i still dont know lots about her but this vidéo helped me understand stuff im personaly going thougth but never admited publicly, thank you
I've avoided looking into Nekojiru's work because I knew by sheer vibes alone that it'd make her passing so much more painful for me (even though I realize she wouldn't've wanted to talk to me) and well now here we are. Thank you so much for this video. It hit really hard.
Your accent is so cool. Really Random thing: In diferent ways but I feel scrambled and wondering for most of my adult life. Besides the two months I have been wandering from France to Spain on the Camino of Sankt. James. There quickly I lost that judging selfnegativity, even thou I got many wierd stares and got to be known as one of the wierd ones when I traveld with people for more then a few hours I didnt mind. Maybe something like that could be a healing experience for you. I am back to my semi miserable self now but it gotten somewhat better and I got some hope in life, different then it had been before. Love your vids❤
Mara the part where you shared feeling isolated as a child and how it follows you into your adulthood honestly hit home so hard. I really appreciate you expressing something I struggle with on a daily basis and, being in a pretty low point at the moment having someone to relate to was really comforting. I hope you're all good and ty for being a real one frfr on god no cap, broken adult gang
"i thought I was the only one" gang
i like this style of youtube videos now where people interject real stuff that's going on in their life, it doesn't distract from the topic at hand and adds a real and human aspect to video essays that I feel has been missing
feels great knowing i'm not alone on this.
🫡💔❤️🩹💖
Real
proud of you for this one bud
I’m really glad I decided to watch this whole video. I’ve been homeschooled my entire life, there was a point where I had some friends when I was a little kid but eventually we just didn’t see each other anymore and after that I became incredibly shy and wasn’t able to make any friends for a very long time. I have no drivers license or any reason to leave the house and so I always almost never go out without any choice if I want to or not. Since I was a kid I’m always alone in my bedroom repeating the same day. I feel like being so isolated for so much of my life has ruined me and I can see being lonely has shaped the way I think of myself and others. The parts where you talk about isolation and feelings of alienation were more comforting and understanding to what I’ve felt than anything else. People I’ve talked to about my loneliness say they’ve been lonely too and understand but I know they don’t have idea of how this isolation feels. I’m sorry if I’ve vented too much in this comment but this was a wonderful video, thank you so much for making it and speaking your feelings without any fear.
Hi- I feel a little bad commenting when I haven’t even watched this video yet, but I felt like I had to lol. You’re just like me. I’m 19 and I’ve been homeschooled my entire life. The last IRL friend I had was when I was maybe 8- otherwise I’ve been alone, cooped up at home, living more or less the same day over and over again. I get all of my social interaction online and I don’t have my license yet either for the same reason, I don’t even know where I’d go. Maybe it’s a little presumptuous of me to say this but I think I really, truly know how you feel. I know how it feels worrying that nobody will ever understand just how isolated you’ve been for your entire life.
@@pencilpuppy Thank you for commenting this. It makes me glad to see I’m not alone in being in that situation
I'm in a similar situation too, if that helps at all. I haven't spoken in person to anyone who wasn't a doctor in almost a decade due to being kept home by "homeschooling" (an excuse to isolate me from others). I'm 21 now. it's always really difficult knowing no one around you *really* understands the isolation you're going through. Everyone around me in similar situations has *someone.* Friends, family, even just coworkers. Being told in the midst of all that that people can't do this alone. But you are alone. It's hard. my heart goes out to you.
@@Jay-ob5yg Thank you, my heart goes out to you too. I have some people in my life now but they’re far away and I don’t get to see them too often. I truly hope things get better for you. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone
I also don't have any reason to leave the house or a drivers license (which equals independence here for some reason) and was homeschooled for a time. I feel like I'm only just realizing how awful being inside all the time without any friends is for my "humanness"(?) But the rare times I interact with someone I feel like inside is safer. The last time I had an irl friend was when I was 7. I'm not trying to say I know how you feel but ig I wanted to say I know isolation. I hope we get better.
The part where you talked about the girl who came up to you reminded me a similar thing that happened to me but in a opposite fashion. There was a girl in my class during my senior year of highschool who every once in a while greet me or try to crack a joke. I never knew her, didn't talk to her, and she as well sat at a opposite side of the room where she was. Yet she always took time out of her day to every once in a while say hi. I always wonder why she did that?
Nice Travis Touchdown pfp…
@@Donnieboy7 nice neco ark pfp
I watched the movie before this video because I feared spoiling myself. And then I watched this video. To say the least, it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life, and weirdly relatable too. I think this is one of my favorite things ever now.
Mara, I swear. It's like we lived parallel lives. Love your content and style so much.
I've lived on a farm for most of my life, I had pretty much no friends and was very quiet. My hobbies are very different from others around me, so I had no way to connect with people when I had the chance. This video feels so terribly familiar that it actually hurts to watch. I don't know how to feel after watching this, but thank you for making it.
I didn't expect to find in this video about Nekojiru a perfect description of this feeling of being an alien amongst others, at least it matched my experience pretty well. It's parasocial but I thought it was really touching.
I don't know how to put this into words but this really hit very close to home. Some parts mostly going back to senior school of having not that many friends, getting pick on for being the emotional and angry autistic kid and staying home a lot, struggling to interact with people does give me a sense of comfort I'm not the only one that has been threw something like this and I'm sure anyone else can stay the same. I feel like I gotten better over time but I do tend to go back to how I felt before and I hate when I can't seem to progress like I'm mentally feel like a teen but I'm stuck in a body of a adult and it weirds me out so much.
Though everything you say feels so real and raw that I can't help but cry, I have trouble expressing how I feel towards people as it feels so hard to express myself to others at times, but you say everything I want to say out loud I feel heard and spoke to in a way that it feels like someone gets it, someone understands how I feel even though its threw a UA-cam video. I'm happy to find someone like you to embraces things that aren't normal or safe I feel more inspired by stuff that's so out there and abstract. I knew about Nekojiru before or its english name Cat Soup it was one of those things that I will one day watch but never did hope I can change that around to watch it for myself.
Hello, I have no idea if you will read this but I just want to comment on how much it hit deeply into my soul as soon as you started talking about the general sorta “no matter how close you get to someone, people you even consider the closest you never feel close enough”. I’ve always struggled with being a shut in, and coincidentally I found about Nekojiru at the peak of completely withdrawing from society.
Despite participating more in society these days, I still always feel completely withdrawn from everyone and dwell on the internet most of my time.
Found about you through the weird art video and immediately became one of my favorite youtubers to listen to.
learning to swim after being terrified of water is hard. i hope you keep trying even when it doesnt seem like youre going anywhere.
I love seeing someone with such beautiful passion for art
'I understand how you feel, and it's not easy to deal with the pain of loneliness and fear.
But you can't give up on yourself.
You have the potential to be the ... you dream of being, and you deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate you for who you are.
Keep pushing forward.
Don't let your present circumstances define your future.
There are people out there who will love and care about you.'
And they won't show love with exclusion, neglect, intolerance, shaming, lying, demonizing every perceived part of me, force me to hide my away for my own safety, and give unavoidable punishment and verbal abuse whenever I'm visible?
I had my first not toxic relationship this year. It lasted a month and a half. The coworker had health problems and left without a word. My soul needed not to know what safe interaction felt like. My soul was allowed to breath, for those 40 odd days. Its back to holding its breath. And its more starved for oxygen now than it has been ever.
i love you and am wishing some fresh air comes your way
You can give up and it isn’t giving up; it’s making a choice you’re entitled to choose. What people mean when they say you can’t give up is, I don’t want you to and I’d rather you feel bad than choose how you wish to. If life is too unbearable and those around you would rather take part in the system that’s causing the suffering, it might be a mercy for you to die. That’s the truth 🤷♀️ people who say you can’t do that don’t have enough comprehension of suffering to understand the utter selfishness of that they demand of another when they guilt them into staying alive.
@@ForcoyAfter a whole life depressed and lonely the mind just breaks. Logic and reason won' help a truly deeply depressed person
i hope you can use that starvation to motivate you to try again. that air is so fucking amazing and its worth to seek out pockets of more air.
trust your newfound need. find more of those and fight to receive it as you should.
i can relate to so many of your feelings/experiences as a fellow autistic person. it’s hard knowing that i will carry this burden with me forever, but it’s nice knowing that there are other aliens out there. great video
Holy shit you have perfectly encapsulated my relationship with loneliness. Not disconnected from people by a lack of trying but being incapable. And why look for more when loneliness is comfortable enough
This really beautifully spoke to a topic I've been thinking on for months. Reaching another person, letting them into your life despite the shared hurt, seems so insurmountable but at the same time the only way to fend off the fear. I think it's the art, the characters, the disembodied voice without body or context beyond words, that brings us the closest to seeing one another even from positions where we still can't do much more than stare, hope or "smoke". I think this is precisely why created unfiltered art is so important, as you've said, for there's so much words and simply seeing each others bodies is entirely incapable of mustering in us. There's always that one piece of another that has the answer we miss, and it always seems to be in their deepest recesses. As misanthropic as Nekojiru seems to be, it still managed to bridge that gap, to speak to something. I hope everyone can find their missing pieces on the bridge to other people's selves and that no one gives up on establishing the idea behind the physicality. Thank you for letting us in, at least a little bit.
Mara I adore your videos, your voice, your thumbnails and narration, loneliness is a horrid feeling that attacks daily after you've felt it for the first time, but there's hope, at least I believe there is
The cruelty of the outside world leaks into us, and makes us cruel. And the first victim of that encroaching cruelty is always ourselves. I hope that you know the impact you have on the people who watch and enjoy your creations, and know many other empty-eyed people live in this world, contemplating the same things that you share with us.
Thank you. While it still hurts some days, the lesson Nekojiru teaches us is that the cruelty of the world is what makes creators like you such treasures. When instead you could curl up around yourself and isolate with the pain, you instead choose to do something, anything, to connect and be vulnerable and honest.
In our empty eyes, there is the yearning for what we are to be something lovable.
I don't know what I thought I'd be getting into when I saw this in my recommended. Maybe just another long video essay to listen to while I work, but there's a lump in my throat now and I'm trying not to cry in front of my coworkers. This was uncomfortably relatable, and yet strangely cathartic.
Thank you for sharing, and thank you for existing.
Mara coming in with the best YT video I've watched this year! This felt to me like a culmination of a lot of ideas and styles you've been playing with for a while. Extremely relatable back half too. I think a lot of people with obsessive interests in media (and particularly anime and manga) have experience some kind of profound alienation at a young age - expressed often in either introversion or like, really performative actions. The way you connect this to Nekojiru both feels really relevant to the material and genuinely affecting.
Nekojiru holds a special place in my heart.
I also obsessed over her body of work once i watched Nekojiru-sou, at my early 20's. Maybe during one of my darkest moments.
I was chronically insomniac, my depression had developed into dysthymia, my prescription of over a year was giving me really bad secondary effects, of which a decade later im still suffering from, mostly memory leaps from back then. It felt unreal, honestly, dream like, like a nightmare.
To this day i dont consider those years as something that happened to me really but also, the consequences let scars so deep i know for a fact everything did happen. Isolation and loneliness is not something ypu can just imagine feeling.
Nekojiru's works spoke to me on a subatomica level. But the documentary and blogposts about her suicide made me feel strangely seen, and wondered "would people speak like that about me if i die too?" "Oh well, i would need to make something beautiful too to be remembered so fondly" "man, I'm jealous"
Is weird to be saying this stuff aloud to but, back then i was in the middle of a really bad crisis that just made me think about diying a lot. Beside gory manga and morbid media, my greatest obsession was just death.
I went on forums, spoke on anonymous imageboards about the topic (not 4chan, worse places) searched on seedy websites about serial killings and crime scene photos and photos and photos.
Is weird to speak as a person who has a actually seen those corpses under that rubble willingly and went the other side not feeling that different. Dumped in the middle of the carpet, on the garage, with limbs sawed off and a sleeping looking expression. Brownish dried blood splattering the bedcovers, the walls, their clothes....
Those images that now occupy my brain and that altered the way i see the world, from the comfort of my room, in my bed, all alone at night, a shut in who can only imagine and dream of the worst posible way in which i could leave this world. At the moment it didn't affect me, but today, it torments me. I keep repeating every day that i deserve to get better. That the amount of change I've gone through wth therapy is okay, and is valid, but also, i cant shake the feeling that im just learning to hide it better, and that this change is just part of the camouflage. To this day, i dont feel a lot when i think about death, and maybe that's what torments me the most. Of lacking that reaction that other people have. That guilt and repulsion for the morbid, the bloody and gross. Even when decades go by, i still feel atracted to it, as a part of myself that is capable of inmense cruelty too.
Brootal man
higgs death stranding pfp spotted
i think its ok to be attracted to that morbidity. its part of life and the horrors of it. its good to have a source to channel it through talking, journaling or art.
despite getting better from being so depressed some years ago, this really captures my depressive thoughts on my low days
I really resonated with the point you made about people trying to over-correct "problematic" art. I've been made to feel morally inferior because I like dark stuff, as if that says something negative about who I am and what I stand for. It's such a crock and it sucks whenever it happens, because it puts me in this unenviable position where I have to justify whey the messed up thing I like isn't bad. More than anything though, I just feel sorry for people like that, so incurious about art and unable to see things beyond the surface level, just dismissing something based on a kneejerk reaction. Anyways, loved the video, your passion always comes through so strongly in your work, love what you do girl!
Yeah, i've also seen some sketchy people say that liking lholi corn is just as reprehensible as liking murder mysteries cause gore and violence. Critical thinking left the world, that's all i'm gonna say
Depends is it actually art or something that's genuinely fetishizing the depraved? That's important
@@AdrianDiaz-u9l I don't enjoy anything that's just shock value for the sake of it, I have to feel like there's a reason for the content being the way it is.
@@AdrianDiaz-u9l who cares? Who makes the standard? Who gets to say "this is the correct kind of dark and this is the bad dark"?
You realize it's all very subjective right?
Beautiful art. I remember the time in middle school I befriended a theater girl, and I smugly told her that depression was a made up thing after she told me she got depressed sometimes. She hit me, and she wouldn’t stop hitting me. I’m glad she did though, because at least I can rest easy knowing she has the strength to fight depression, even if it involves beating dumbass strangers in fistfights.
Not sure if you see this but I still want to comment on the off-chance you do.
Now that Ive watched the whole video, I want to say thank you for giving a little more insight into your life even if it wasn't the main reason you made the video. Vunerability isn't something that people often express about themselves (at least in a genuine manner) and I think its nice to have a blurry glimpse into another persons life, problems and all. Even though I probably don't struggle with it as much as you do, I somewhat understand how frustrating it can be to communicate with others when in the end it seems like everyone goes on with their lives without a second thought. I don't have any advice on how to help given how clueless I can be, but I wish that life in general gets better for you in the long run.
I liked your video a lot. Living in isolation for so long is an odd thing. It kinda feeds itself and leaves you feeling inhuman. The worst of it is that the people who probably would relate are just as cut off as you are. So thanks for making this. It’s nice to be reminded you’re not so alone in everything. I’ve been needing something like this.
OhhhhhHHHHHHHH I might've said it last video, but THIS video is your best work yet!!!
Without a doubt, a grand work on a growing pile of great art.
Thank you for making this piece of art, it speaks to me in a way i don't know how to express. Sometimes, i feel that drive too, to simply become invisible and stop being part of this world, but i'm glad i'm taking the steps to cross over this rickety bridge. I wanna see the other shore, even if when i phase through myself, it feels scary as shit. Again, thank you, this is so meaningful and i'm so thankful i got to smoke it
I'm so glad you talked about nekojiru as it's a piece of media i hold so close and near to my heart. I found out about around 3 years ago during my sophomore year of high school while i was going through a rough time emotionally and physically. I never thought I'd see someone discuss her work in the way you covered it and I'm beyond grateful for the way you discussed this topic. When people bring up her work, they mostly bring up her passing more than her body's of work. But I'm glad you didn't just summarize her and brought attention to the manga, animated shorts and the cd ROM screen savers. Her work has greatly impacted the way I go about my daily life, especially her diary entries (I think about them constantly). Her work and world have kinda shaped me into the person I am. I plan on getting a tattoo of her work within the next few months for my 18th birthday. Thanks for covering this topic !!
new watcher here but this video is genuinely beautiful. the part in the video where you mentioned Nekojiru's behavior made me relate to her even harder as an autistic individual. beautiful video once again.
I love this video sm, I resonated a lot with your ending notes. All these years, I feel alienated from everyone else, even when I'm surrounded people I care the most. It was exhausting thinking in how to progress into a relationship with other people. I've also struggled with my own identity, whether it was shaped by other people or if it even existed at all. I read a few pages of nekojiru after watching this video, I love how bizarre and hilarious it is. I'll watch the anime and movie in the weekends.
I watched as much Nekojiru content i could grasp on UA-cam so i could finally watch this video. The title caught my attention, "empty eyes" was something that i'd hear people describe me almost every single day, so when you shared your own personal experiences, i cried a little. My parents would call me out for my empty expression and how i'd look lifeless and how it irritated them, it always made me feel less than normal. For the same reason, i always found socializing harder, people just thought that i looked so disconnected, eye contact was always difficult. Even if it was unintentional, you made me feel less alone. I'm happy that I could connect to your story, so thank you for this video and your thoughts really.
Thanks for harnessing your unique tastes into something positive, Mara.
thank you for making this video and opening up about yourself. growing up, id never known anyone like me: isolated, scared, quiet, yet questioning and, unnoticed by everyone around me, smart. now, i'm quite okay, but i still am glad to have watched this video. all the memories you described and the reflections & questions you brought up struck home. i got blasted to past bro. and i know while it does nothing to change my past, i am just glad to know there is another person out there who grew up in a very similar way to me, and that no, i was never truly alone, nor will i continue to be in the future.
i think you're on the right track. i think you're going to find the answers you seek and the solutions for anything that fits the best for you and your values.
and off topic, but, instead of deleting negative comments yourself, is there someone you think would be down to help manage the comments section for you?
I presented a panel on underground manga at my local anime con, and I got to delve into Nekojiru a bit. I love their work and am always looking for ways to introduce others to them.
Thank you for making this essay and doing so also!
The calmest part of my 8 hour day of slogging and working every day is listening to your videos. They make me happy cry. I hope you have a happy life c:
I hope the crowd of peeps who tune in to listen to your thoughts and opinions never becomes overwhelming, it is neat hearing you talk about stuff you like
I'm thankful you explained that you did not want Chiyomi's death to dictate the emotions of the latter half of this video, as you said it can be tiring or almost sardonic to make content off of the emotional tug of including tragedies of creators when you're talking about something. I've said it before in the last video, but what draws me into your stuff is how you personally cover your actual enjoyment and ties to the media you talk about. I appreciate what you bring here, and I'll always smoke what you're packing.
i knew next to nothing about nekojiru. the video looked interesting so i watched, and im happy i sat through the whole thing. thank you
I came to this channel through the Weird Art video, your work is wonderful Mara and this video made me think too much, some parts I felt too much inside me and in my story
I don't know you but I hope you are well and proud of this work sister, you can see the passion and love for Nekojiro
Sleep peacefully, you have done a good job, tomorrow will be a new day, I just hope you continue making this beautiful content
And sorry for my bad english I use google translator :"(
i was just talking in therapy about how i don't feel so isolated in my experiences now compared to how i felt as a kid. its all due to so many people with similar experiences bravely talking about it in the open - thank you, mara, for sharing your personal thoughts. it keeps making me feel less alone in the world and less weird.
We're in this together, we're walking on different paths but maybe in parallel ways.
if i could hug my kid self i would, she deserved better. but i can hug myself now and make the world better for my future self.
Social Isolation and monsterhood. Welcome back mara !
When I was a kid they had a copy of "Cat Soup" at the video rental store me and my parents would always go to. I would always go right to the anime section and they had put it right at my 6 year old eye height so I always wanted to get it. Some review on the back called it something like "hello kitty on acid" and of course my parents took one look at that and said no every time.
I came back to it as a teen with unlimited Internet access and a house mostly to myself (parents both divorced, with full time jobs) and it has been so important to me ever since. It has had a big impact on my art, and I relate to it deeply as I have always struggled with isolation and just not feeling like what people expect of me.
Great video, thank you.
This video genuinely made me cry. Thank you for making this, love your stuff.
I think Nekojiru is just a pure form of expression.
Following lines of thoughts that never quite begin nor end, twinged in varying shades of emotions, coloring vague approximations of things within us that are just a breath beyond comprehension. Then trying to create "something" that not only helps the artist synthesize it but tries to share it to others, maybe to forge even the smallest of connections or as an almost desperate means of validating a thing without form or substance.
I'm happy I found this video, to have a memory tarnished by time shine from the blackness between thoughts, and to know someone else ponders the same things I do.
sufferin with all sorts of crap, i can relate with this alot. iv always felt just, different from everyone and everything, even when people are so close and care so much, its just, this odd feeling, like i dont deserve and dont belong, and this video just made me think alot, on how even when one feels so different, they can share that feeling of difference.
I'm really glad I stumbled onto this video. I've seen a lot of reaction images panel from Nekojiru not knowing what it was from but this really helped me understand the source material more!
Though i also relate a lot to the hermit crab analogy you made towards the end. After years of isolation growing up lurking and learning about the world online, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to hold a real deep human connrction with anyone outside of just being the one who listens.
Thanks for making this
i dont think i can put it into proper words, but i want to explain how much this video hit my feels. the humor, irony, bitterness and beauty of this essay is something i cant match with another video ive watched. keep up the good work!!!
There’s something beautiful about this video. So deeply expressing how unique humanity is and how flexible morality changes on any given persons mind. Telling how being lonely, sad, empty and uncertain is just apart of being alive. The realization of being a human and just experiencing emotion is incredible. What a feeling this video can so easily explain. Amazing work.
I just recently found your channel, and I really vibe with everything, especially as an outsider. I may be a rando online, but I believe in you, don't let the world grind you down. The peice of Japanese media I vibed with is a book called "No Longer Human" and from what you said of the author of the video, she parallels the author of no longer human.
The best video on everything Nekojiru I've ever seen, and the rawness/earnestness of you talking about your emotions/feelings on life and such really touched me. I hope you'll be okay long into the future.
ur videos are so beautiful and have genuinely changed the way i want to make art, the reverence u hold for what u talk about is good shit. i get so excited when u upload
"its not like I'm anything tangible to you, the viewer" of course you are to me. Just like your parasocial relationship with Nekojiru, I also think of you as a human being, even without the literal sense of being able to see or touch you, I just know you are an extraordinary person who inspires me to see art and the world with other lenses. And I think that's beautiful about the relationship between content creator and viewer.
It is seriously some of the most diabolically deep animation I've ever seen.
Theres a chnace that you might not see this comment but i want to say the feeling of the last chapter reminds me of the desire to not exist, the feeling to fall and just disappear, in my worst days i just want to fall and just rot, becoming one with the ground to no one to notice me or remeber me again. I am a social person and no body knows of this desire, seeing this video just felt like a weight off my shoulders as i know that some people may know this desire, thank you for evething!
To be honest: I don't remember why I subscribed to you, but now your video popped up in my feed and the first few seconds took me straight into another world. I'm sure it's mainly because of the Silent Hill soundtrack in the background ;) but your voice and the movie you're talking about really get me.
I'll take my time to watch it at the weekend! :)
Excellent! You've sold me on these lil cats, and the people behind them. I relate in some ways to your struggle with conceptualizing yourself with the burden of being perceived. How nice that you are still so different from me. Good luck, I respect your honesty.
I got about 3 minutes into this video and decided to watch both of the animated adaptations then come back and watch the rest of this video (The shorts and ova). And they have such a unique and interesting style to them. I went in with the assumption they'd be random in the ways that FLCL is and sure. Its confusing but it really had a completely different vibe that I was not expecting and really resonated with. And not only that. I also really resonated with this video too. Both Nekojiru and Mara make amazing work and I'm grateful for them both,
This is the best video essay I've ever watched, the commentary and the editing had me hooked from beginning to end. Prior to watching this video I had no knowledge of nekojiru but due to this video I think ima consume some of the art. The best part of this video in my opinion is the part where u talk about ur struggle with loneliness near the end of the video. As an autistic person that segment felt like a mirror in video form and it almost brought me to tears because the way you articulated your experiences it was as if u and me are the exact same person and for that segment I felt the same emptiness and hopelessness I felt at my lowest years. However, it did low-key had me worrying for ur own mental health and I can't help myself but to ask you if ur OK and if ur doing well. I wish you and anybody else who sees this comment good health. TDLR: Another banger video from mara
there were a multiple parts of this video that kicked me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me in such a Way
thank you for creating, thank you for letting me listen
1:11:40
Finally! More people need to know about Cat Soup! I found this on a VHS at my library as a teenager, and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. The heavy themes, unique art, and incredible animation captured me. Thank you for posting this video so more people can know about this beautiful niche anime outside of my immediate friend group lol!
Fuck the folks that say your voice is weird and that you need to feel shame for it. It's a big part of why I come back to view your videos. To me, your voice is beautiful. Keep pourin' it on!
just wanted to say it's been a few months since I first watched this and I'm still thinking about it. One of my favorite and one of the most deeply comforting videos on this website.
feels like you reached right into some old distant memories in my brain and shook the dust off it.
Seriously inspired work.
I relate to what you said about solitude and living at night. I'm quite excited for this video!! Your channel is one of my favorites and your videos are excellent. I hope that you are doing well!
came into the vid curious about the title and thumbnail and got hella invested mid way thru. i hope u do well! something about ur content scratches an itch in my brain. cant wait 4 more vids
i'm glad i'm not the only one who feels like i can't connect with anyone. thank you for making this
>>/ that's the life i live right now: quiet solitude at night, slowly creating and tinkering in my Computer Lab. this is going to be an interesting video, isn't it, huh
i don't really comment much anywhere, but i felt like i should let you know that nekojiru's work and your view of it deeply resonated with me as an illustrator who has always had trouble fitting in and found solace in my art. Your videos always have me looking away from my work to my second screen
I freaking love nekojiru’s works!! thanks for bringing up this niche manga series
Man, I read the story with the angry dog and the knife-on-a-stick years ago in raws not knowing a word of Japanese at the time, and there was something about it which haunted me. A while back I described Nekojiru's manga as having a kind of shamanic quality which I felt the short film captured better than the TV shorts, and while I suspect I'd enjoy Jirujiru Original significantly more on rewatch, I stand by the initial observation about the comics themselves. For all that they are inherently comedic and often vulgar or politically pointed or conversely pretty cute, there's this weird visionary aspect which makes them feel at once very grounded and more than a little eerie. Maybe it's being another mentally ill person with some very specific life experiences, but there are times when everything feels terribly heightened and you feel like you can see through walls, and Nekojiru captures that feeling perfectly. (It's also probably worth mentioning that Nekojiru-sou is one of my favourite films and that I find the ending in particular devastating in a way few other things can be, but that feels almost like a given as someone commenting on a video like this. Of course I cry watching Nekojiru-sou. It's why I'm here. :P)
"everything feels terribly heightened and you feel like you can see through walls" i hate how i know what you're talking about
I remember this time in high school where someone somehow knew it was my birthday and wished me happy birthday, in retrospect it was very kind of her, but then everyone started following her exemple and everyone wished me happy birthday that day and that got me absolutely depressed and angry that people who would act like I don't exist most of the time would all just posture at being nice to me because that one person did so. And when I didn't reciprocate beyond the first couple people they all started to just get upset at me but not even directly they started talking about how awful I was like I wasn't even there.
Worst part of all that is that the one "friend" I had in that class didn't care enough about me to wish me a happy birthday so that made that whole experience even worse.
I'm not sure why I'm recounting that here exactly, like, it's a different experience from that of the girl coming at your desk your described but that reminds me so much of that, existing in isolation, wishing you'd be seen but then getting hurt even more when seen because it makes you realize how exactly you are seen.
This made me cry, and I find it really hard to cry. Thank you.
I am so happy that I found this video, I can't explain it but this is the first time I've heard someone understand me so well lol It makes me feel less like an alien I guess
Wishing you the absolute best, I hope you're doing well, thank you for being so real.
that last short manga was pretty painful, thank you for sharing your experiences and this series
I didn't expect to relate to this video as much as I did. Just thank you for making it.
Like Nekojiru this was a quietly outstanding video. As a kid I suffered from dissociative episodes due to extreme anxiety and connected with these two cute cats with the wide unblinking eyes. I’m glad I’m not the only one!
Hands down of the videos on yt with the most love,pain and everything else and quality poured into it
Your video makes me want to explore Nekojiru's universe. As always, I loved listening to you. I'm sending you strength and a hug if you want it. I related to parts of the video and understand feeling different and out of place in this world 🫂
I love the aesthetic and the research in your videos and I find all of them deeply, inspiring. Good job!!
Thank you for your wonderful work. This made my life better. Especially appreciate your media lists and Akira yamaoka appreciation! I hope you have a good day and a good life.
This is the niche I feel my soul in.
I love Nekojiru! Her comics have a wholly unique appeal in my opinion.
damn.. smth about someone just honestly expressing shit feels so human. this feels like a friend talking about something theyre very interested in, and its kinda sucks that the one of the only ways you can truly do that is through videos because its hard to find people irl who genuinely wanna hear about what you have to say. i dont think most people understand what it actually means to be a person, and that isnt very cool :3
god, these last 12 minutes are gonna put me in a psych ward with how much i relate.
This is so beautifully done. I’m sorry I don’t have any big and thoughtful words to write down. All I have to say is, it’s beautiful.
16:05 me personally as someone who experienced grooming i do want to make art on that experience and how mentally shattering it was to my kid psyche; i want to portray it as accurate as possible and it will get sensitive but to me that’s the proper way of portraying what happened to me and other people with similar
experiences and stories
i don’t want people to be comfortable with it; i want you to feel the torture i went through to understand my media bc it’s important
i also just love your takes oh how you inspire me
Thank you for this video, and for putting yourself out there into the world- it's not always easy, but it's always worth it, even when you don't get to see the positive effects for yourself!
I love your channel and you seem like the type of person i greatly relate to its been a long time since I found that channel that speaks to me and yours really did it. I also don't mind your accent its great i wish i met someone like you in person. Also that story hit me close to home i had some experiences like that were people tried to bring me in and i refused because i prefered being in solitude. Anyway thanks for making this video it really means alot and keep doing it.
Thanks for this video. I couldn't bring myself to write a while paragraph to say it, but this video hits many chords. Thank you.
I'm so attracted to your channel because you think just (un)like the artists that inspire you: Completely, unabashedly you. You don't care if it's "over the top" or "weird", and you don't think higher of yourself because of it either. You just experience life and do your best to understand and be yourself. You're an inspiration to me as an artist and a person, and I really appreciate you introducing me to similarly inspiring people.
I really love this kind of feeling, i always get it when a peace of media reaches me in a way i wasn't expecting, but its frustrating to want to write a long paragraph to express that to the author, im an artist, im human and i also want to share how this made me feel, maybe it inspires someone else to keep it up i dont know. And its hard because i dont really know how to express this most of the times and it also feels corny... But i think you can resume it as me feeling grateful to you for making such video, to push me to reflect, feel less lonely and at the same time get inspired, i know i just learned something new out of this and it'll be a part of me now.. Probably, at least for a while.
I hope this is not too much too read and that its somehow appreciated.. ♡
Hang in there Mara! First video I watch, but to have someone be so open and vulnerable with themselves and others was something I didn't know I needed. Really made me think on how I approach my thoughts a bit. Instant sub.
Mara, it's like you remind me of a part of my soul that was hidden away. It's like finding a toy and then getting a flash of old absurd enjoyments. I love you.
I got to the part about having to delete comments about your voice.
And man, I completely understand. I have a very squeaky voice, as well as a horrible speech impediment, and I didn't even know just how bad it was until 5th grade when I started to get bullied nonstop for those things. It was the first time it was ever an issue in a school setting like that. It hurt, and it still hurts. I don't ever reveal my voice online, and it felt so nice to have that sense of control over it. But it's grown into a problem where I want to be able to share things, to stream my art, to talk over voice chat with people I've known for years at this point but my fear holds me back. It's something I desperately want to work on, even if it scares me to no end right now.
Idk, this is random.
I just want to let you know that I enjoy listening to your videos, and I find your voice very calming, and that it perfectly fits with the topics you cover on here!
I'm so sorry you have to deal with those comments, they're no better than 5th grade boys.
I'm wishing you the best. :]
I watched the movie when I was in highschool, and I just revisited it a little bit ago. This video put so much into perspective, and than you for sharing about your life. I genuinely appreciate that
Thank you for rolling this one. Smoking it at work a week after turning 30 and facing the reality that I somehow am still alive.
honestly, seeing that part on the documentary on nekojiro's death made me hopeful in a weird way. i'm someone whos socially withdrawn, not very outgoing at all, and generally lonely cause of things like my autism, but i want to be a mangaka and live in japan. seeing that somebody could be really withdrawn, even more than me, and have their art still be genuinely embraced by so many it becomes 'popular' to some extent, and just have enough people who have been effected by at all, makes me hopeful in a weird way, like maybe even i can make it. i know it's pretty different sentiment to what a lot of other people in the comments are saying because i have a rare situation, but i thought i'd put my two cents in.
I read a few of the mangas for this series. It was like a surreal dark comedy. They were taken down from the site I used tho, and now I can't find them anymore. One of my favorite stories is the one where the cat kids find a fishman who was grown in a lab (or he was captured by them, I can't remember), the drunken father slays everyone at the lab and decapitated the fishman; his head slowly dies after they get back home, which I found extremely dark and kind of funny.
I never had someone hit that close to home, wow i went into this knowing nothing abt nekojiru and i still dont know lots about her but this vidéo helped me understand stuff im personaly going thougth but never admited publicly, thank you
I've avoided looking into Nekojiru's work because I knew by sheer vibes alone that it'd make her passing so much more painful for me (even though I realize she wouldn't've wanted to talk to me) and well now here we are. Thank you so much for this video. It hit really hard.
Your accent is so cool. Really Random thing: In diferent ways but I feel scrambled and wondering for most of my adult life. Besides the two months I have been wandering from France to Spain on the Camino of Sankt. James. There quickly I lost that judging selfnegativity, even thou I got many wierd stares and got to be known as one of the wierd ones when I traveld with people for more then a few hours I didnt mind.
Maybe something like that could be a healing experience for you. I am back to my semi miserable self now but it gotten somewhat better and I got some hope in life, different then it had been before.
Love your vids❤