I fucking love how the title of the video is about something that I at first assumed I would not relate to but Dr.K starts expanding the topic and I can clearly see so many common elements, making this video super applicable to me. Fucking love this channel man
I was thinking of not clicking the video because I didn't seem very applicable to me, but I clicked it anyways(probably cause I'm addicted to UA-cam) and lo and behold, Dr. K also generalizes his advice to all types of addictions.
@@lamdiep1584 I don't really see why it needs to be about men. He has all kinds of people on the show. Women get addicted to things too including pornography. Not trying to detract from your excitement, just saying it's something to keep in mind.
I don't remember where I heard it, but I heard someone say that the brain can eroticize a thing it fears in order to avoid or cope with the pain it causes. So, for example, if you feel sexually inadequate and are afraid of being cheated on by a woman with a "more desirable" man, your brain can find a way to make that kind of feared situation sexually arousing instead of painful. You also gain a sense of control over the situation, too, since you are inviting it or welcoming it, rather than it happening to you.
Pain and pleasure are on the same axis, I'm curious if that contributes. I'm also curious if finding a way of sexual release after something painful than causes a release of oxytocin and other feelgood's creates positive reinforcements to then associate with that behavior.
15:25. "What is their game". This shook me. I always assume that when someone does or says something nice to me that they are playing a cruel game where I will end up as the joke. I feel like it is stopping me from building relationships, or even trying, since I'm never open with others, now. Makes me feel sort of narcissistic because I know it's absurd that everyone will act like this, yet it still affects me.
I feel like a lot of problems come from bullying. Some time ago Dr.K described how some guys stripped someone naked and tied him to a tree. It just sounds like you are from stone age or something
Everyone is genuinely using you, but when they say something nice to you, most likely they say it in order to be liked by you for no other reason than that they too crave validation and want people to like them. They are using you to feel better about themselves, and that's totally fine.
@@someguycalledcerberus9805 Yeah the way I see it, every single interaction is manipulation by definition, but whether that is 'bad' or not is defined by context, intent etc. It's n a sliding scale. Some manipulation is positive and some is negative, but everything is usually a means to an end directly or indirectly, even if people act like they're not aware of it
I love how he talks from a place of understanding yet make you accountable for the situations you are in and gives you the tools to get out of there. We need to protect this men.
As cynical as this may sound, it's only a matter of time before we manage to monetize friendship and family as well. I feel like we're living in some dystopian hellscape where money is all that matters.
14:30 speaks to me so deeply rn, I basically fucked up my first relationship with that kind of paranoid reactions because she treated me so well and I couldn't understand why, nor could I understand why it was affecting me negatively. Oh well, time goes on.
I don't know if I've ever been abused but I went through the same thing with my ex. She meant a whole lot to me and it was hard to watch myself crash the ship. I feel for you brother
Gonna be honest, I was pretty judgmental coming into this video, it's very easy to be in some of these stories. However, the way Dr K explains it makes it easy to understand that behavior. The amount of weight people put on having sex and not being a virgin can easily get to someone's head and make them think they're a massive loser for it. And living with that day in and day out, being paranoid and maybe even depressed by that fact. Fearing that women laugh at you and turn you down when she finds out. It makes total sense that living the fantasy of it happening can have a feeling of validation and as a result become addicting. If there's anything to be judged in this situation it's the stupid amount of weight we've put on sex and how it's become this validating experience like you're less than a human If you've neve experienced it. Just hope that guy can find a way to lessen the stigma on himself, accept that being a virgin doesn't make him less of a person than someone who isn't.
Huge props for being honest about judging (I was too) but then learning from the video and changing your view. I’m a virgin (which makes sense because I’m still a minor) but I very highly doubt I’ll ever care about losing it or having it or whatever. I’m lucky enough to have grown up in an environment where not a lot of weight was put on sex and virginity. However, I know some people who really want to have sex or get girls “just because.” It’s so ingrained into our minds that we should need to lose our virginity that people don’t even really justify it, they just want to fit in. I don’t blame anyone for thinking that, but it’s honestly sad how our society practically forces people to lose their virginity, or be ridiculed and feel insecure. I feel like onlyfans, findom, and other recent practices have only exacerbated this problem. I really hope we as a society can recognize the unhealthiness of the importance we place on sex and work to accept people no matter their body count, whether it be 0 or 100
I think the judgement of virgins comes form nature and evolution really, the less desired man had less sex so it became commonplace that less sex meant worse quality of the potential partner. nowadays our environment changed so drastically, that this mechanism has a lot more significant impact on lives of some men than it had in the past. Also it's a big part of sex shaming tactics used by woman's, they won't give up that power over man so easily, it's too powerfull.
Most people don't care about losing their virginity just to say they lost it, they care about losing it because it's a natural drive. Which is also usually why ppl make fun of male virgins. They're taking jabs at you because they know you care getting some TnA but can't
@@KurokamiNajimi I disagree with this, I know plenty of people who just want to avoid the shame. Natural drive is a huge factor as well, but it’s not all of it.
I made a comment on a previous video (the BDSM one) urging Dr K and his team to look further into paraphilia and those who take advantage of certain people’s vulnerabilities. The comment was purposely vague, but it was about a lot of this stuff. I have no idea if they even saw it, but I’m so glad to see this video. Just talking about it really means so much. When we shed light on things like this, they often tend to lose their power over us.
I think the pandemic definitely played a huge part in only fans blowing up. For me I’ve never personally used only fans but I found coping with my own loneliness when I played persona 5 for the first time. Despite the “friends” in that game not being real, it was as close as I was able to get at the time, especially with the time you can pour into the characters to learn more about them, but onlyfans really knows how to monetize the amount of loneliness people feel for the last 2 years. Also patiently awaiting the psychosis is not a diagnosis mixtape.
@@Digger-Nick I never said there was? I’m saying they’ve done a good job on capitalizing on people’s loneliness from the pandemic. Wasn’t a house hold name like it is now 2 years ago. But personally I don’t care how people spend their money as it doesn’t involve me.
8:05 YUP. I volunteered for a crisis hotline for a while. Telling people that they have reasons to feel good is silly. They are telling you about everything that sucks and hurts. Tell them the truth, that horrible thing you told me? That is awful and yeah probably won't get better and this will probably continue to suck. From there you can go on with how to help them cope. At least for one night. Do they just need to vent? Do they need resources? Do they want to try some breathing exercises? All this is to say validation is step 1. And honestly , it's easy to validate if you have an ounce of empathy. Most people have real crappy situations when they are at that point.
As someone with BPD, validation is so important. a lack of validation is the root of so many insecurities and complexes and validating someone's situation shows you're on a level with them where change can happen rathe than you trying to project happiness on to them from your ivory tower or telling a homeless person who's just been ass-shafted to keep a diary of things they should be grateful for or colour in pretty pictures in their mindfulness journal etc...
and it's also a cold day when you realize the only person in the world giving you attention and confirming you that you exist is the cashier (or the bus driver you say "hello" to)
when i was a cashier i was sure to be extra nice to everybody unless they were rude to me for no reason. then i just ignore them and roll my eyes at them.
I am so grateful for this video and many others. I have received coaching from healthy gamer and have been watching for 2 years now. It has been very helpful and has pushed me to get a lot of the help I need. Thank you Dr. K for your services. I am grateful to you, your family, and your entire team. As well as to all the streamers who have come on with you and shared their stories.
I think this video changed my life. I have been pondering the methods of validation, that I respond most strongly to and why some avenues are preferred over others. Validating preexisting perceptions or beliefs was the missing piece. I was a psychology major for three years before switching to German/Spanish. If I had had contact with a brilliant and practical mind like Dr. K, I would have been able to make application of so much more of that study. I know see that subsequent pursuits of massage therapy, tech support and jiu-jitsu have become still more strategies through which I could understand and strengthen vulnerabilities in the human condition. amazing channel.
I'm in nursing school and the correct response to any exam question in regards to answering a patient's response will always be a response with validation, if applicable. I'm glad you brought up the points of validation because it brought a further understanding of why we are answering patients in that way.
As someone in the fitness world, I really appreciate the approach based around individualizations. Whether it’s fitness or psychology, everyone is unique and there’s no single solution for population problems.
I felt like I wasn't good enough for girls when I was a small kid maybe it was because I was bad at sports, or just the infantilizing way my parents treated me. And this was cemented so deeply in me that I continually fought against women who were attracted to me (not physically). It began in the 4th grade i had a girlfriend who was recognized by other kids to be very cute. And I quickly became jealous to the point of completely pushing her away and accusing her of having other boyfriends. Then when I was 18 some very attractive girls were interested in me, one of whom later became my girlfriend. In this relationship I would ask that she would not allow me to touch her and would speak down to me, it was some type of female domination role playing but also had a real function of validating my idea that I was worthless. I eventually pushed her away as well and was always accusing her of having feelings for her ex boyfriend who I happened to always compare myself to and feel jealous of and could have in some ways boosted my interest in her. I now am 28 and recently got out of my last serious relationship since that one 10 years ago, this girl refused to dominate me or was very reluctant to participate in these types of roleplays. And while I understand not everyone is as sexually adventurous, it made me feel unseen by her, or like she did not accept me. I could even at times agree with her point of view that there was a component of psychological damage in these sexual games. I feel that not being able to get this validation from her was a contributing factor in our break up. I have slept with nearly 20 different women, not through prostitution, and about half of whom wanted to form serious connections with me, and I am addicted to findom. So my advice to any virgin findom addicts is after hearing my experience you can see how it is completely psychological. These archetypes of incel and of domme are completely mentally fabricated and can be broken apart. I lack the expertise to know how to actually heal from this, but just know that you are the one creating this idea about who you are and what you are or are not capable of, the rest of the world likely sees you in surprisingly diverse and unique ways if you think about it objectively
You're so so brave to look inside yourself and make that analysis let alone share it out here. You are deserving of love and to be wanted and to be treated with respect
If you have been emotionally abuse during childhood, the best indicator that you are healing is that you are no longer getting bullshit from either your partner or adult bullies. Also, engage in tons of manga, stories and good content. It did most of the job of the good father I didn't have. And therapy, both can do you so much good. You can be your own hero, don't let anyone tell you you aren't.
I clicked on this video not expecting much to be honest, I thought it would be a casual video but holy shit was I wrong. Once he got into the bit about Validation that really opened up my eyes to a lot of things in my life.
I thought I was just a really "introverted" person when it comes to communicating with my classmates but something that always bothers me is I loved talking to adults. I never knew why but after watching this video made me realized the adults I talked to as a kid were people that gave me validations as a person. My classmates always thought I was weird cause I wouldn't play with them during recess which lead to them not being my friends anymore. I always felt comfortable standing next to a teacher during recess. For years I thought I really hated my classmates. I just learned something about myself, thanks Dr. K!
I've felt the same way too. I find it near impossible to open up to people who don't express comfort and validation and I didn't make friends with many kids my age. And, idk if it's just me, but as an adult I've had poor luck finding compassionate social groups consisting of ppl of my age.
@@thebravesirrobin. Same, and it kinda lead to me dating people way older than me. Usually they're good relationships so it wasn't a big deal. But it was troublesome for me cause people told me I'm dating pedophiles and even though they're probably right it always feels like I kept running into walls when finding validation. But since I am an adult now I did get to meet someone who is still older than me. Took me to be 18 to be validated in these relationships. Like, bruh. lmao But that's just my experience. Hope you had a decent day today, JF.
@@ShidoDraws Thanks for your comment. It's good that you're finding positive relationships. That's the end goal, and age really shouldn't be important past a certain point. I'm doing well today, I hope you have a good day too.
I would love to hear you talk more about psychosis. As someone who has personally experienced it, I don't think (and others have told me) that I don't fall under schizophrenia or depression, at least not how you described it.
The side-routes and additional topics that Dr. K always brings up are really helping me to better understand how people work and giving me ideas as to how I might be a better friend to my friends. :)
Oh geez, I read the comments before watching and knew the part about being paranoid of peoples treatment was coming. I’ve felt like that for so long. I think I’ve damaged friendships because I assume they are only staying with me out of pity or I feel very confused or worn out if someone wants to be around me.
I'm pretty sure I'll be doomed when the VR parasocial relationships get perfected. Unless I'm lucky enough to not be able to afford it. Like is the case with the Onlyfans. It's like "Hey that would be cool, oh well."
The findom portion is certainly validating, but oftentimes those people are still getting attention from a beautiful woman despite being humiliated. I would think the combination is the most addictive part.
Weird self exposure here, had a bit of an online fling with a dude and he was just into being a submissive. He had a VERY bad relationship history and he felt that his masochism stemmed from self hatred that came from those experiences. I always wondered why I was only into sadism when it involved the type of man who would have bullied me growing up (frat boy types), and I think you’re right. From the other side of the coin, based on my personal experiences, there is validation from getting attention from attractive people.
Omg I have a hard time showing emotions until someone gets to know me. As I get older i am able to show emotions better. This might be why I struggle to make friends!!!
So someone with schizophrenia, the part on the subway hits home. Even after getting meds to help my positive symptoms, I struggle with flat affect. You can just tell people don't want to be around you and feel uncomfortable. I can tell, and I can feel things, but it's like my expressions just don't do it anymore. My wife sometimes will even mention that my face is freaking her out if it's particularly bad.
Your statement about neutral faces makes TON of sense when it comes to my daughter. There's been a few times where I've kept a neutral face in the face of her behavior that was concerning (not enough to get into trouble but disappointing) and she specifically said I looked scary and ran to her bedroom. Now I understand why and I can try to moderate my response accordingly.
So tl;dr we think we seek happiness, but sometimes we seek reinforcement and validation of our self-image far more, even if that's the opposite of happiness...
I am of the opinion that societal norms are responsible for this. I can't speak for anyone else but I went through some shit. There was a time where I worried about being single, and worried about getting a girlfriend and having sex and eventually a family simply because it was a normal thing. After a traumatic break up and subsequently being falsely accused of sexual assault, my psyche broke. The person I was before died that day. I'm okay being alone, I found happiness, I know what I stand for, I've built myself back up and the things I experienced made me who I am today. I refuse to date because I don't want to tie part of myself to someone that can crush it whenever they please. Just be yourself, and don't let societies expectations weigh you down.
I would like to disagree with the point about streamers being particularly useful. In fact, your most liked streams, where people connect the most, seem to be with regular people. I still think it's good that you talk to streamers, cause they need it. But I also do think that they are less relatable.
They have a ton of viewers who wouldn't even find out about Dr.K if not for these streamers coming to Dr.K. I'd say that drawing more attention to mental health is indeed particularly useful. Another argument is that Dr.K talking to a streamer helps you see that it's actually common for people to have at least some mental health issues. By that I mean that helping a random person (a streamer) identify their issues illustrates the idea that everybody can benefit from therapy.
I beg to disagree. I won't argue that maybe the randos might be more useful or relatable, that's beside the point. But the streamer interviews offer something for some people that no rando can: a shift in perspective. There are people out there who think people who have success are these lucky, untouchable beings, unrelatable and enviable. Look how famous they are, their lives are great, I wish I could be like them! Y'know, that good stuff. Showing the world that they are people like us, that they suffer, they fight to get up from bed and turn on their cameras, that they too are struggling. This can be eye-opening for these people who think other people are so much better than them. If even the people who have success are struggling, then maybe "I'm" not so helpless. Maybe "I" can still go and fight. As for my own perspective, I don't see how a streamer is any less relatable than a nobody. Or how anybody is more or less relatable than anybody base on any social status, profession, physical characteristics and stuff like that. I dunno, I just find it weird. I relate to people based on the struggles we have in common
You should really get an experienced RACK/ kink / BDSM educator on here to talk about this kind of thing with. There's a lot of input they could give you on fetishes and kinks that you might not have looking at them from just an addiction viewpoint.
In the beginning, when i felt depressed when everyone made fun of me for being a virgin. Hell, even my mom is pushing me because my bro has a girlfriend but i don't, and she is obsessed with becoming a grandma. All that pressure and humiliation made me depressed, but then i realized that i will probably be a virgin of the rest of my life, and being depressed about something i cannot change is pointless. And that somehow worked for me, because my depression just... Went away. I stopped caring about their opinions of anyone. I hope my venting was helpful for whoever reads this comment, but i highly doubt it.
You can literally pay someone to have sex with you. But here is the thing. Even if you lose your V-card, what really changes? You would essentially be the same person, right? A lot of people who have issues have a lot of other problems that need to be taken care of first. If you start taking care of your own shit, things fall into place. It takes a lot of effort for self-care.
My need for social interaction is minimal but I've found that even a minimal need can be hard to satisfy these days. In the beginning internet was fun. So many you came in contact with who were genuine. Always someone you were chatting with, sending emails to. Now it's all about money and attention. Nobody cares about anything except themselves. I'm beginning to think it's the end of humanity. If you feel lonely, talk to AI. Soon there won't be anything left. OF is of course part of that trend. Humans drifting away from each other and becoming cold.
Hello. While I can't relate to wanting a romantic partner, I can relate to the feeling of lacking something and thinking the probablity of finding it is very low. In my case, it's a job I'd enjoy.
Yeah, exploiting lonely men who instead of fixing themselves to actually form relationships will pay a stranger to play girlfriend. This isn't therapy.
Reality is that the answer to pretty much everything is to get your shit together. I know it sounds much easier than it is, but there are ways to put systems in place to keep yourself motivated and disciplined. Again it's not easy, but it's your choice to make and you do have that power, so don't talk yourself down and simply go and do it. As Dr. K said you might want to find someone to help you, maybe it's the subreddit for nofap, maybe it's a therapist, maybe it's a buddy you understand really well. And don't fear of failing, someone who tries but fails is much more attraktive than a person that never tries.
I've developed a disdain for onlyfans because of my high school girlfriend of 5 years or so, one day just told me she had one. It really made me feel uncomfortable knowing someone I loved and cared about was doing that. Not only that but felt confident enough to tell me without considering how I'd feel about it. You can argue that it shouldn't bother me because we havent dated in a long time, but to me it was the same disrespectful shit she used to pull when we were together and it brought up bad memories. My regret was allowing her back into my life, that's how I knew because we started talking for a while. This was a while ago, but it stuck with me. It's not exactly something I want to hear from someone I used to have feelings for. Its different if it's someone I dont know and dont have any connection with. You know what I mean?
What, you wanted to control other person's life although you were not their partner you acted like a gardener's dog. That's toxic. Your ex is not your property, man.
Some mobile do this too by writing game characters to inter act with players. The largest one go to the length that they made website to host the community . Not just letting game fan posting content . They hired exceptional content creator to give more to them as well.
What's up with girls shaming guys for being virgins, like , REALLY QUEEN! Girls don't go out ask guys out. Most girls i know are passive when it comes to flirting and dating (some girls do take initiative in dating, but they are dime a dozen). Guys hit in girls and then she dates and eventually sleeps with a guy. There is no game to flirt with this strange man and make him like her. Unless the girl made a effort to impress a guy to sleep her, don't shame a guy for being virgin. And if you are a guy and girl judges you for being virgin, you are better off not being with her. Cause she has her own issues she is walling off behind the giggles.
You got it. But as humans are.. we do anything to boost our ego even if we did nothing to deserve it. If you haven't achieved much in life other than being approachable then that will be the thing you are most proud of. People building their identity around being in relationships. Some of us don't get that lucky so we have to find meaning in other ways. Who is the more capable person? The one who had everything handed to them, or the one who had to work for it. And even so, success is not guaranteed. You have value regardless.
The same things that are going on with guys shaming girls for not being virgin. Both stances are stupid and most resonable people don't subscribe to them, men or women.
@@Avalami yeah, exactly but the point becomes as Dr. K said 'Lack of validation in the childhood hurt and neglect' . We can disagree on something but always validate and make people feel belonged.
Because women are attracted to guys that other women are attracted to. Being a virgin shows that other women aren't attracted to you which is an obvious red flag
The modern dating scene is this - guys expect most chicks to have (high) body counts. It's really hard to find chicks with little to no numbers toward their body count these days unless she is genuinely a virgin or that inexperienced. But conversely, in an odd way, chicks still want guys with more experience in bed for the sake of sexual satisfaction (this hasn't changed for literally decades). Modern dating is fucked.
'I pay you for telling me I'm right.' - He feels like he sucks at life, and it's addicting for him to listen to others telling him he's right. It's very sad, because there are way more problems than just being horny. This guy propably was hearing that he's wrong a lot of time, so many times it made him beg for being right.
There's something I dont particularly like about your comment. Im not trying to argue with you just trying to understand why by writing my thoughts down. "He feels like he sucks at life, and it's addicting for him to listen to others telling him he's right." I think this is mostly fine. It feels empathetic in a way. "It's very sad, because there are way more problems than just being horny. " It could be this which belittles his struggles. Yes there are tiers of problems but for this man this is his number one problem. "This guy propably was hearing that he's wrong a lot of time, so many times it made him beg for being right." It could be this which kind of sounds like a judgmental statement. At the same time its sentiments are similar but not the same as your first sentence. I cant exactly put into words the difference. Maybe thats where my confusion is coming from.
@@trytoo5167 Being horny is the least important problem here. If it was only about it, he'd just watch any kind of free porn that we have the unlimited access to. He spends a lot of money on it, and as he himself sees the problem in it, he certainly spends way more than he should. Why does he hurt himself for that pleasure? He needs to feel closer to a girl, even if it's just an artificial relationship, he doesn't pay for being able to jack off, he does it so he gets a moment of attention from that girl. It's not about being horny at all, this is way deeper. And my first comment focused on a little bit different aspect of his problems. I believe, though I can't be sure for 100% without talking to that guy, his fetish (femdom) comes from two points: 1)He thinks very low of himself, no self-esteem, and self-pity 2)He needs someone to assure him he's right, look at the first point of him seeing himself as the broken human, and add this point where he pays someone else to get that affirmation. He literally pays a lot of money to a girl so he can get an artificial relationship and affirmation of his beliefs.
@@arthurmeyer2977 wrong.... he did all him self how can you be confident when you spend money on women and rely on others opinion.... its a question of mindset and his mindset is exactly what society wants you to be... or how can say it even better, the government wants this type of people, because you can control him so easily.... going your own path can also turn you to darkness, but i would rather choose that than being a slave to a corrupted system that doesnt even have a reason to exist, porn and this other shit are one of the reasons why this is happeneing semen retention is the key to regain and heal yourself from this shit....but you have to go your own way unless you do that you cant succed in semen retention
Im 27yo virgin male too and sometimes its hard mentally but over time you start to get used to it and not care that much, luckily im way too scrooge mcduck when it comes to money so I would never get addicted to OF or findom (knocks wood)
i know its weird but im addicted to online shopping and online food delivery. Like i can definitely cook my own food and have all the things but i still ended up finding myself scrolling thru online food menu and online shopping marketplace
I envy men who are able to get so excited about something that it becomes an addiction. Or at least I would envy them if i was capable of feeling such strong emotions anymore
This is pretty much the reason I never have the sound on for porn. My tastes are very particular, not super niche fetishes or anything, but very limited to the kind of woman I'm attracted to. I can't just pick some random content and get off to it, there's a whole set of criteria. No tattoos, no voyeur, little to no makeup, good smile, sweet as opposed to sassy or derisive. And she can't be looking off to the side of the camera, that makes me too aware the man in the video is not me. But then I also have the sound off, because on some level, my brain recognizes that I'll be aware she isn't talking to me, and it'll pull me out of the experience. Every time I've tried turning the sound on, immediately I've shut it back off again. However, when I've been in relationships, even though it never got to the level of having sex, I can definitely see that I would have been fine with THAT real-life vocal interaction. Because it would actually involve me in the exchange. In porn, I actively resist emotional connection, because I'm aware it's just a stopgap, a lightning rod, and I want to be emotionally available when someone real comes along. However, odd as it sounds, lately I've been working on my ability to maintain eye contact, and porn has actually been a decent way to practice this. It's zero-pressure, so I can train my brain to sit with the feeling of someone locking eyes with me, and it's become easier to maintain eye contact in the real world. Who knew? So in a weird plot twist, porn has actually helped IMPROVE my real-world interactions!
@@roredry Nothing about this is healthy. The man is literally perceiving reality through the lens of pornography. This is as disgusting as it is absurd.
i have been spending some monies on of in my darkest moments and i never interacted with the content creator i subscribed to. For me the addictive part was the gambling part of not knowing what content i will unlock when i spend this amount of money and oh hey ! she is making a 50% discount so it's a great chance to roll the dice for lower cost !
dude it´s like girls being addicted to fanfiction and the guys from music bands, only then to realize later on that life doesn´t function like that and that EVEN if u r a girl, no one you idealize is to approach you just because u r one.. Just the fact of fanfiction being so much of a thing growing up, I restrained myself from immersing in any kind of socio-romantic life till the age of 20-21, while not being an outcast in middle-/high-school of any sort - so yeah, those things throw ppl into so much delusion regarding other ppl to begin with
I have come to 'edify' (excuse the lack of a better word coming to my mind right now) my own refrain discipline; which has helped me stay away from traps like these. In strange way, I have learned to have satisfaction in "rising above" and keeping in my head that I passed some ephemeral test or something on my difficult high road. It sounds like petty meaning making I know, but then aren't I passing another test by not faltering in my conviction for self discipline by heeding your skepticism.
Not to be THAT person, but isn't that capitalism? The first thing they taught us in business school was: find a problem and create a business solution to fix it. Not saying its not sad, but isn't this the plan for how society is supposed to work?
@@chickenandksivideoreviewer9739 I would argue the only difference is the focus on monetizing a solution to a resulting problem rather than a root problem. Nobody monetized (or at least effectively marketed) a solution to the root problem. In other words we marketed street parking but not the solution to overreliance on cars. Maybe I am using a different definition than you, but you can attack a root problem in a way that still involves exploitative practices. To clarify, I am using exploit in the way I use it in my work in financial regulations.
@@chickenandksivideoreviewer9739 Also, there are different ways to define hyper consumerism, which one are you using? I imagine its not the manipulation of product cycles for quick turn around or commodification of religious symbols ones. But I could see if you mean the consumption as status version, but there are others. I apologize is this comes off as patronizing, I think you are going for the term commodification. As in the commodification of relationships?
8:00 When I talk to people anonymously online, I already do it that way. I don't know them, I don't really care about them. Not sure, if I really had a conversation about that specific topic. But I'd probably say something like that: "Yeah, you're right. There is no purpose in life. So suicide sounds like an easy way out. I also kind of thought about suicide some time ago. But I didn't really see a reason. I can also just wait until I die. Life isn't that bad, and nowadays I'm even pretty happy. If I really considered killing myself, I'd rather just try dangerous stuff, I wouldn't normally do, maybe dangerous stuff, which could kill me, or criminal stuff or talking to women in public..."
And its funny that preditory market practices are coming from young adult women this time instead of the usual shadowy faceless company. Theres not much any ONE person can do against a faceless company that wants to be preditory (payday loans, etc), but onlyfans puts the people wanting to hurt others for profit in the same class rooms as us, the same shared space as us. I wonder how people are going to evolve throughout these next few decades, having to watch the people keeping them depressed and suicidal succeed right next to them instead of some misty hypothetical cajun island or behind a corporate logo
Unfortunately that's the way of a lot of the modern internet. Modern social media is free because they glean data from you that's far more useful to them than $5-20/month. YT doesn't care if they send people down a recommendation rabbit hole that ends up with them on extreme ideology, because highly paranoid people who watch content of extreme ideology spend a *lot* of time watching those videos. FB doesn't care that they've stoked the flames of ethnic violence (and genocide in a case or two) in multiple countries. Humans have a really long way to go before we figure out this whole internet thing.
@@ScatterBrainedYouBetterFollow Definitely. I'm already cynical and jaded, and the notion you've presented is a scary possibility to imagine. It is important to keep in mind that the core system hurts everyone, as well. The beauty standards, the dating standards, the "you're only worth something if you do something for me" dynamic (Dr. K has talked about the intrinsic value of a human multiple times), and so on. I think a major nuance that people will need to grapple with is that the women who have Onlyfans accounts and use, admittedly, highly predatory and emotionally manipulative tactics, are victims as well. It's important to not lose sight of that.
If you're pathetic enough to simp for an only fans girl then you deserve everything that comes with it, and you probably shouldn't breed. This is the modern form of natural selection.
Look, findom is abuse, pretty much by definition. I believe that it could potentially lead to terrible situations but it's essentially consensual abuse. If people feel they can't stop they need to seek help and take precautions. Ultimately people are responsible for their own life choices. These types of relationships have existed for ages in the BDSM world.
I have one question that has been in the back of my mind a lot lately. If anyone wants to share their opinion or expertise on it feel free. So addictions have underlying causes, but can addictions appear due to mere exposure to said substance or behaviour or activity? For example, if i give a healthy adult some heroin without them knowing, they will develop a chemical dependency on heroin, right? Or what happens if the roots of the addiction are dealt with? Can the addiction persist, especially if the person was addicted to something for years and their body adjusted to it? It's just very blurry for me, where the roots of the addiction end and where the addiction itself starts, and if the addiction can exist on its own.
Your question gets to the heart of the issue. This is the million dollar research question, and a lot of people would pay a lot of money for a conclusive answer, but research as far as I understand it has not made a clear conclusion one way or the other. One clarifying idea you might be interested to learn more about is the difference between physical and psychological dependence on a drug--they're not exactly the same, and they definitely can't be used interchangeably. A person may be experiencing withdrawal symptoms for a drug even if they don't seem to fill any other criteria for an addict. And not all drug users are addicts. Suffice it to say, the dynamics and factors behind addiction are ridiculously variable. There are some people who will use hard drugs like heroin or meth once or even for extended periods, then drop it without a care and never think about it again. Others are hooked from the first hit. Research to pin down the psychological differences between the first and second type of person is still underway.
@@AKhoja Very fascinating, it almost feels like the answer lies within the same territory that other big important questions occupy, like the question of "do we have a soul?". It seems for now the most effective solutions to battling addictions are psychological/spiritual and psychosomatic rather than a purely physical solution like medication or surgery. This is partly the reason why i love dr K so much. He is a brilliant doctor and has a lot of scientific knowledge, but at the same time he has extensive knowledge on more spiritual things stemming from his own culture and he doesn't operate on logic alone
Videos like this can be dangerous… I see a lot of people in the comments section putting down women in general because “this video confirms their beliefs about women”. It’s quite freaky imo lmao - but unfortunately that can happen in basically any video. Regardless this is a great vid :)
It's def dangerous, but since it's Dr. K approaching this topic I'd say it's a net positive. The people who make misogynistic comments will have thought those same things if this video didn't exist, and there is unquestionably no shortage of videos on UA-cam who seek to affirm those views.
At the end of the day, simps are weak guys. These types of women have always existed even before the likes of OnlyFans. Even if OnlyFans disappeared tomorrow, cam sites and whatnot have always been around, and simps have always done the same thing. We just can all joke about OnlyFans now as a common way for these simps to do this behavior. If more guys became even somewhat stronger, lots of simps would fade away. Self-respect starts with yourself. First and foremost.
So if I'm addicted to positive affirmation ASMR and voices of females telling me they love me and want to take care of me, what is it feeding? What am I missing that I feel like is being replaced here?
Men today are seeking connection by going down very dark routes a lot linked to sex. Everything from gay trans clubs to onlyfans addiction. U name it it's happening.
I fucking love how the title of the video is about something that I at first assumed I would not relate to but Dr.K starts expanding the topic and I can clearly see so many common elements, making this video super applicable to me. Fucking love this channel man
He's definitely jesus for modern men
His videos hit like that sometimes for sure.
I was thinking of not clicking the video because I didn't seem very applicable to me, but I clicked it anyways(probably cause I'm addicted to UA-cam) and lo and behold, Dr. K also generalizes his advice to all types of addictions.
@@lamdiep1584 I don't really see why it needs to be about men. He has all kinds of people on the show. Women get addicted to things too including pornography. Not trying to detract from your excitement, just saying it's something to keep in mind.
Same bruh
Dr K been on fire lately. Feel like he leveled up
No matter the topic, when Dr K talks he always seems so knowledgeable and understanding. I really admire that tbh
I love it! Didn’t he say he left Harvard to focus on healthy gamer?
@@markr.7232 yeah hes a G
You leveled up too 😊
He's finally taking about shit we care about
I don't remember where I heard it, but I heard someone say that the brain can eroticize a thing it fears in order to avoid or cope with the pain it causes. So, for example, if you feel sexually inadequate and are afraid of being cheated on by a woman with a "more desirable" man, your brain can find a way to make that kind of feared situation sexually arousing instead of painful. You also gain a sense of control over the situation, too, since you are inviting it or welcoming it, rather than it happening to you.
The brain can be so stupid sometimes...
"My wife can't hurt me if I'm an NTR fan so I willingly lend my wife to another man"
Yea I was just mentioning this. A lot of those into cuckold fetish including myself have been cheated on in the past.
Pain and pleasure are on the same axis, I'm curious if that contributes. I'm also curious if finding a way of sexual release after something painful than causes a release of oxytocin and other feelgood's creates positive reinforcements to then associate with that behavior.
There was also a study (done on mice though) that revealed fear and arousal being physiologically and chemically similar neural phenomena.
This man is a national treasure. We must protect him.
International more like
I'd love to see him in conversation with shwetabh Gangwar
Intergalactic more like
Interplanar more like
Rational* Treasure
15:25. "What is their game". This shook me. I always assume that when someone does or says something nice to me that they are playing a cruel game where I will end up as the joke. I feel like it is stopping me from building relationships, or even trying, since I'm never open with others, now.
Makes me feel sort of narcissistic because I know it's absurd that everyone will act like this, yet it still affects me.
Sounds like you would benefit from therapy.
Right there with you, friend.
I feel like a lot of problems come from bullying. Some time ago Dr.K described how some guys stripped someone naked and tied him to a tree.
It just sounds like you are from stone age or something
Everyone is genuinely using you, but when they say something nice to you, most likely they say it in order to be liked by you for no other reason than that they too crave validation and want people to like them. They are using you to feel better about themselves, and that's totally fine.
@@someguycalledcerberus9805 Yeah the way I see it, every single interaction is manipulation by definition, but whether that is 'bad' or not is defined by context, intent etc. It's n a sliding scale. Some manipulation is positive and some is negative, but everything is usually a means to an end directly or indirectly, even if people act like they're not aware of it
I love how he talks from a place of understanding yet make you accountable for the situations you are in and gives you the tools to get out of there. We need to protect this men.
As cynical as this may sound, it's only a matter of time before we manage to monetize friendship and family as well. I feel like we're living in some dystopian hellscape where money is all that matters.
It's reached that point already.
The recent META reveal is just another step in that direction.
There are companies in Japan that let you rent a fake family for yourself
And yea I agree, we are living in a dystopian hellscape - money has thoroughly corrupted our societies.
@@karltanner3953 the sad thing is its soo hard to see or fix
@@karltanner3953 Beat me to it. I was gonna mention the rent a sister thing.
14:30 speaks to me so deeply rn, I basically fucked up my first relationship with that kind of paranoid reactions because she treated me so well and I couldn't understand why, nor could I understand why it was affecting me negatively. Oh well, time goes on.
I don't know if I've ever been abused but I went through the same thing with my ex. She meant a whole lot to me and it was hard to watch myself crash the ship. I feel for you brother
You've learned from it, that's the main thing. Forgive yourself.🙂
Gonna be honest, I was pretty judgmental coming into this video, it's very easy to be in some of these stories. However, the way Dr K explains it makes it easy to understand that behavior. The amount of weight people put on having sex and not being a virgin can easily get to someone's head and make them think they're a massive loser for it. And living with that day in and day out, being paranoid and maybe even depressed by that fact. Fearing that women laugh at you and turn you down when she finds out. It makes total sense that living the fantasy of it happening can have a feeling of validation and as a result become addicting.
If there's anything to be judged in this situation it's the stupid amount of weight we've put on sex and how it's become this validating experience like you're less than a human If you've neve experienced it.
Just hope that guy can find a way to lessen the stigma on himself, accept that being a virgin doesn't make him less of a person than someone who isn't.
Huge props for being honest about judging (I was too) but then learning from the video and changing your view. I’m a virgin (which makes sense because I’m still a minor) but I very highly doubt I’ll ever care about losing it or having it or whatever. I’m lucky enough to have grown up in an environment where not a lot of weight was put on sex and virginity. However, I know some people who really want to have sex or get girls “just because.” It’s so ingrained into our minds that we should need to lose our virginity that people don’t even really justify it, they just want to fit in. I don’t blame anyone for thinking that, but it’s honestly sad how our society practically forces people to lose their virginity, or be ridiculed and feel insecure. I feel like onlyfans, findom, and other recent practices have only exacerbated this problem. I really hope we as a society can recognize the unhealthiness of the importance we place on sex and work to accept people no matter their body count, whether it be 0 or 100
From stigma male to sigma male
I think the judgement of virgins comes form nature and evolution really, the less desired man had less sex so it became commonplace that less sex meant worse quality of the potential partner. nowadays our environment changed so drastically, that this mechanism has a lot more significant impact on lives of some men than it had in the past. Also it's a big part of sex shaming tactics used by woman's, they won't give up that power over man so easily, it's too powerfull.
Most people don't care about losing their virginity just to say they lost it, they care about losing it because it's a natural drive. Which is also usually why ppl make fun of male virgins. They're taking jabs at you because they know you care getting some TnA but can't
@@KurokamiNajimi I disagree with this, I know plenty of people who just want to avoid the shame. Natural drive is a huge factor as well, but it’s not all of it.
im addicted to the consumption of valuable information. Thank you for your channel! =)
Dr. K - "Awww baby booboo is you hurt? Are you okay booboo baby boo?"
Me - "I've been waiting for you to say that to me for 2 years."
I came to this video for educational purposes, and instead I'm crying feeling more understood as a human being than ever.
I made a comment on a previous video (the BDSM one) urging Dr K and his team to look further into paraphilia and those who take advantage of certain people’s vulnerabilities. The comment was purposely vague, but it was about a lot of this stuff. I have no idea if they even saw it, but I’m so glad to see this video. Just talking about it really means so much. When we shed light on things like this, they often tend to lose their power over us.
I think the pandemic definitely played a huge part in only fans blowing up. For me I’ve never personally used only fans but I found coping with my own loneliness when I played persona 5 for the first time. Despite the “friends” in that game not being real, it was as close as I was able to get at the time, especially with the time you can pour into the characters to learn more about them, but onlyfans really knows how to monetize the amount of loneliness people feel for the last 2 years.
Also patiently awaiting the psychosis is not a diagnosis mixtape.
Under no circumstance is there any reason to pay for someone's Onlyfans lmao. This man deserves to be alone in life for doing that shit
@@Digger-Nick I never said there was? I’m saying they’ve done a good job on capitalizing on people’s loneliness from the pandemic. Wasn’t a house hold name like it is now 2 years ago. But personally I don’t care how people spend their money as it doesn’t involve me.
@@Digger-Nick he deserves to be alone, for being lonely? You're a bit of a prick mate
@@kdawgthechef2855 That's not loneliness, that's legitimate mental illness.
Big difference
@@brianboru6685 Not at all what I said.
8:05 YUP. I volunteered for a crisis hotline for a while. Telling people that they have reasons to feel good is silly. They are telling you about everything that sucks and hurts. Tell them the truth, that horrible thing you told me? That is awful and yeah probably won't get better and this will probably continue to suck. From there you can go on with how to help them cope. At least for one night. Do they just need to vent? Do they need resources? Do they want to try some breathing exercises?
All this is to say validation is step 1. And honestly , it's easy to validate if you have an ounce of empathy. Most people have real crappy situations when they are at that point.
Only-Fans is such a shame-of-humanity.
As someone with BPD, validation is so important. a lack of validation is the root of so many insecurities and complexes and validating someone's situation shows you're on a level with them where change can happen rathe than you trying to project happiness on to them from your ivory tower or telling a homeless person who's just been ass-shafted to keep a diary of things they should be grateful for or colour in pretty pictures in their mindfulness journal etc...
It’s always a cold day when you find out the cashier doesn’t like you.
and it's also a cold day when you realize the only person in the world giving you attention and confirming you that you exist is the cashier (or the bus driver you say "hello" to)
lmfao
when i was a cashier i was sure to be extra nice to everybody unless they were rude to me for no reason. then i just ignore them and roll my eyes at them.
Brandon Evans it’s crazier to think that for some of my customers, I was the best part of their day.
Of course rude ones get the smoke 💨 😤😤💨
Yo the sad part is when she says have a nice day and you fantasize about the relationship you two could have.
I am so grateful for this video and many others. I have received coaching from healthy gamer and have been watching for 2 years now. It has been very helpful and has pushed me to get a lot of the help I need. Thank you Dr. K for your services. I am grateful to you, your family, and your entire team. As well as to all the streamers who have come on with you and shared their stories.
I think this video changed my life. I have been pondering the methods of validation, that I respond most strongly to and why some avenues are preferred over others. Validating preexisting perceptions or beliefs was the missing piece. I was a psychology major for three years before switching to German/Spanish. If I had had contact with a brilliant and practical mind like Dr. K, I would have been able to make application of so much more of that study. I know see that subsequent pursuits of massage therapy, tech support and jiu-jitsu have become still more strategies through which I could understand and strengthen vulnerabilities in the human condition. amazing channel.
I'm in nursing school and the correct response to any exam question in regards to answering a patient's response will always be a response with validation, if applicable. I'm glad you brought up the points of validation because it brought a further understanding of why we are answering patients in that way.
As someone in the fitness world, I really appreciate the approach based around individualizations. Whether it’s fitness or psychology, everyone is unique and there’s no single solution for population problems.
I felt like I wasn't good enough for girls when I was a small kid maybe it was because I was bad at sports, or just the infantilizing way my parents treated me. And this was cemented so deeply in me that I continually fought against women who were attracted to me (not physically).
It began in the 4th grade i had a girlfriend who was recognized by other kids to be very cute. And I quickly became jealous to the point of completely pushing her away and accusing her of having other boyfriends.
Then when I was 18 some very attractive girls were interested in me, one of whom later became my girlfriend. In this relationship I would ask that she would not allow me to touch her and would speak down to me, it was some type of female domination role playing but also had a real function of validating my idea that I was worthless. I eventually pushed her away as well and was always accusing her of having feelings for her ex boyfriend who I happened to always compare myself to and feel jealous of and could have in some ways boosted my interest in her.
I now am 28 and recently got out of my last serious relationship since that one 10 years ago, this girl refused to dominate me or was very reluctant to participate in these types of roleplays. And while I understand not everyone is as sexually adventurous, it made me feel unseen by her, or like she did not accept me. I could even at times agree with her point of view that there was a component of psychological damage in these sexual games. I feel that not being able to get this validation from her was a contributing factor in our break up.
I have slept with nearly 20 different women, not through prostitution, and about half of whom wanted to form serious connections with me, and I am addicted to findom.
So my advice to any virgin findom addicts is after hearing my experience you can see how it is completely psychological. These archetypes of incel and of domme are completely mentally fabricated and can be broken apart.
I lack the expertise to know how to actually heal from this, but just know that you are the one creating this idea about who you are and what you are or are not capable of, the rest of the world likely sees you in surprisingly diverse and unique ways if you think about it objectively
You're so so brave to look inside yourself and make that analysis let alone share it out here. You are deserving of love and to be wanted and to be treated with respect
thanks little wolf
My question is, do you really want to be that way with women? Because it seems like, the way you put it, a psychological coping mechanism.
meditate for 8 hours. just once
@@judiacaogames5233 you're right
These ideas about people looking for validation rather than positivity are mindblowing for me - what a fantastic set of viewpoints - subscribed!
If you have been emotionally abuse during childhood, the best indicator that you are healing is that you are no longer getting bullshit from either your partner or adult bullies.
Also, engage in tons of manga, stories and good content. It did most of the job of the good father I didn't have. And therapy, both can do you so much good.
You can be your own hero, don't let anyone tell you you aren't.
I clicked on this video not expecting much to be honest, I thought it would be a casual video but holy shit was I wrong. Once he got into the bit about Validation that really opened up my eyes to a lot of things in my life.
I thought I was just a really "introverted" person when it comes to communicating with my classmates but something that always bothers me is I loved talking to adults. I never knew why but after watching this video made me realized the adults I talked to as a kid were people that gave me validations as a person. My classmates always thought I was weird cause I wouldn't play with them during recess which lead to them not being my friends anymore. I always felt comfortable standing next to a teacher during recess. For years I thought I really hated my classmates.
I just learned something about myself, thanks Dr. K!
Same here, I never had friends my own age
I've felt the same way too. I find it near impossible to open up to people who don't express comfort and validation and I didn't make friends with many kids my age. And, idk if it's just me, but as an adult I've had poor luck finding compassionate social groups consisting of ppl of my age.
@@thebravesirrobin. Same, and it kinda lead to me dating people way older than me. Usually they're good relationships so it wasn't a big deal. But it was troublesome for me cause people told me I'm dating pedophiles and even though they're probably right it always feels like I kept running into walls when finding validation. But since I am an adult now I did get to meet someone who is still older than me. Took me to be 18 to be validated in these relationships. Like, bruh. lmao
But that's just my experience. Hope you had a decent day today, JF.
@@ShidoDraws Thanks for your comment. It's good that you're finding positive relationships. That's the end goal, and age really shouldn't be important past a certain point. I'm doing well today, I hope you have a good day too.
I would love to hear you talk more about psychosis. As someone who has personally experienced it, I don't think (and others have told me) that I don't fall under schizophrenia or depression, at least not how you described it.
You are one of my all time favorite youtubers! You are wise and eloquent way beyond your years! Love ya, doc!
I'm learning so much from this videos. Thank you Dr.K and team.
The side-routes and additional topics that Dr. K always brings up are really helping me to better understand how people work and giving me ideas as to how I might be a better friend to my friends. :)
Oh geez, I read the comments before watching and knew the part about being paranoid of peoples treatment was coming. I’ve felt like that for so long. I think I’ve damaged friendships because I assume they are only staying with me out of pity or I feel very confused or worn out if someone wants to be around me.
I'm pretty sure I'll be doomed when the VR parasocial relationships get perfected.
Unless I'm lucky enough to not be able to afford it. Like is the case with the Onlyfans. It's like "Hey that would be cool, oh well."
@e sounds dope though
The findom portion is certainly validating, but oftentimes those people are still getting attention from a beautiful woman despite being humiliated. I would think the combination is the most addictive part.
Weird self exposure here, had a bit of an online fling with a dude and he was just into being a submissive. He had a VERY bad relationship history and he felt that his masochism stemmed from self hatred that came from those experiences. I always wondered why I was only into sadism when it involved the type of man who would have bullied me growing up (frat boy types), and I think you’re right. From the other side of the coin, based on my personal experiences, there is validation from getting attention from attractive people.
Omg I have a hard time showing emotions until someone gets to know me. As I get older i am able to show emotions better. This might be why I struggle to make friends!!!
So someone with schizophrenia, the part on the subway hits home. Even after getting meds to help my positive symptoms, I struggle with flat affect. You can just tell people don't want to be around you and feel uncomfortable. I can tell, and I can feel things, but it's like my expressions just don't do it anymore. My wife sometimes will even mention that my face is freaking her out if it's particularly bad.
All Videos I watch about him are mind blowing. There are so many correlations and it makes all sense.
Your statement about neutral faces makes TON of sense when it comes to my daughter. There's been a few times where I've kept a neutral face in the face of her behavior that was concerning (not enough to get into trouble but disappointing) and she specifically said I looked scary and ran to her bedroom. Now I understand why and I can try to moderate my response accordingly.
the validation is a explanation was really good I never thought about it like that
So tl;dr we think we seek happiness, but sometimes we seek reinforcement and validation of our self-image far more, even if that's the opposite of happiness...
I am of the opinion that societal norms are responsible for this. I can't speak for anyone else but I went through some shit. There was a time where I worried about being single, and worried about getting a girlfriend and having sex and eventually a family simply because it was a normal thing.
After a traumatic break up and subsequently being falsely accused of sexual assault, my psyche broke. The person I was before died that day.
I'm okay being alone, I found happiness, I know what I stand for, I've built myself back up and the things I experienced made me who I am today. I refuse to date because I don't want to tie part of myself to someone that can crush it whenever they please.
Just be yourself, and don't let societies expectations weigh you down.
Some people can be harsh... gl
I would like to disagree with the point about streamers being particularly useful. In fact, your most liked streams, where people connect the most, seem to be with regular people. I still think it's good that you talk to streamers, cause they need it. But I also do think that they are less relatable.
I think a bad situation, interaction, something toxic that you keep on doing or watching, can be because it’s familiar, maybe not relatable
@Freekazoid Nah he's talking about the streams where other streamers come on to talk to Dr. K vs when non-streamers come on
They have a ton of viewers who wouldn't even find out about Dr.K if not for these streamers coming to Dr.K. I'd say that drawing more attention to mental health is indeed particularly useful. Another argument is that Dr.K talking to a streamer helps you see that it's actually common for people to have at least some mental health issues. By that I mean that helping a random person (a streamer) identify their issues illustrates the idea that everybody can benefit from therapy.
I beg to disagree. I won't argue that maybe the randos might be more useful or relatable, that's beside the point. But the streamer interviews offer something for some people that no rando can: a shift in perspective. There are people out there who think people who have success are these lucky, untouchable beings, unrelatable and enviable. Look how famous they are, their lives are great, I wish I could be like them! Y'know, that good stuff. Showing the world that they are people like us, that they suffer, they fight to get up from bed and turn on their cameras, that they too are struggling. This can be eye-opening for these people who think other people are so much better than them. If even the people who have success are struggling, then maybe "I'm" not so helpless. Maybe "I" can still go and fight.
As for my own perspective, I don't see how a streamer is any less relatable than a nobody. Or how anybody is more or less relatable than anybody base on any social status, profession, physical characteristics and stuff like that. I dunno, I just find it weird. I relate to people based on the struggles we have in common
well streamers aren't gonna open up online like a non-streamer would because they got an image to maintain
You should really get an experienced RACK/ kink / BDSM educator on here to talk about this kind of thing with. There's a lot of input they could give you on fetishes and kinks that you might not have looking at them from just an addiction viewpoint.
In the beginning, when i felt depressed when everyone made fun of me for being a virgin. Hell, even my mom is pushing me because my bro has a girlfriend but i don't, and she is obsessed with becoming a grandma.
All that pressure and humiliation made me depressed, but then i realized that i will probably be a virgin of the rest of my life, and being depressed about something i cannot change is pointless. And that somehow worked for me, because my depression just... Went away. I stopped caring about their opinions of anyone.
I hope my venting was helpful for whoever reads this comment, but i highly doubt it.
L
nothing wrong with that honestly its freedom to not care about what others think
You can literally pay someone to have sex with you. But here is the thing. Even if you lose your V-card, what really changes? You would essentially be the same person, right? A lot of people who have issues have a lot of other problems that need to be taken care of first. If you start taking care of your own shit, things fall into place. It takes a lot of effort for self-care.
dont let those assholes humilliate you
@@gabrielfernandez1147 i've gotten used to it by now.
Just found your channel, it'll be great fodder for my UA-cam addiction 😀
My need for social interaction is minimal but I've found that even a minimal need can be hard to satisfy these days. In the beginning internet was fun. So many you came in contact with who were genuine. Always someone you were chatting with, sending emails to. Now it's all about money and attention. Nobody cares about anything except themselves. I'm beginning to think it's the end of humanity. If you feel lonely, talk to AI. Soon there won't be anything left. OF is of course part of that trend. Humans drifting away from each other and becoming cold.
Hello. While I can't relate to wanting a romantic partner, I can relate to the feeling of lacking something and thinking the probablity of finding it is very low. In my case, it's a job I'd enjoy.
Yeah, exploiting lonely men who instead of fixing themselves to actually form relationships will pay a stranger to play girlfriend. This isn't therapy.
@@imnotusingmyrealname4566 this will actually only make things worse...
"the feeling of lacking something and thinking the probability of finding it is very low" That is a great description of that situation.
I think there's less than 1% of people that enjoy their job so why even look for it.
@@RmX. by job I mean occupation. Should've used a broader term. I'm not chasing status or anything, I'd rather gave meaning.
Reality is that the answer to pretty much everything is to get your shit together. I know it sounds much easier than it is, but there are ways to put systems in place to keep yourself motivated and disciplined. Again it's not easy, but it's your choice to make and you do have that power, so don't talk yourself down and simply go and do it. As Dr. K said you might want to find someone to help you, maybe it's the subreddit for nofap, maybe it's a therapist, maybe it's a buddy you understand really well. And don't fear of failing, someone who tries but fails is much more attraktive than a person that never tries.
Ngl, I'm feeling kinda addicted to Dr. K's video
I had psychosis/schizophrenia and my number one worry was everyone can tell im constantly freaking out just by seeing me
I am really bad at facial expressions (both making expressions and reading them), that explained a lot ;-;
You are a full fledged psychiatrist and mouthpiece. I’m amazed by your videos!! You are an asset on a worldwide scale. Keep up the good work👍🏻😉
This is GOLD! Thank You so much Dr.K for addressing this.
Holy shit I really needed this. Thank you Dr. K, you are doing what therapy never could for me...
I've developed a disdain for onlyfans because of my high school girlfriend of 5 years or so, one day just told me she had one. It really made me feel uncomfortable knowing someone I loved and cared about was doing that. Not only that but felt confident enough to tell me without considering how I'd feel about it. You can argue that it shouldn't bother me because we havent dated in a long time, but to me it was the same disrespectful shit she used to pull when we were together and it brought up bad memories. My regret was allowing her back into my life, that's how I knew because we started talking for a while. This was a while ago, but it stuck with me. It's not exactly something I want to hear from someone I used to have feelings for. Its different if it's someone I dont know and dont have any connection with. You know what I mean?
What, you wanted to control other person's life although you were not their partner you acted like a gardener's dog. That's toxic. Your ex is not your property, man.
@@hdshjs you dont know the situation like I did. Don't give me that crap.
@@hdshjs she is everyones property now, for a price. Op is perfectly valid in his criticism and he should stay far away from people like her.
Came in wondering about "them", leaving with more information about myself
Fr
those thumbnails let's say... surprise me sometimes 😁
Three years ago, I was in a bad place and I was also scammed out of money by a profile on online dating.
Can we get a link to the University of Toronto’s research on video games? Could be an interesting read
Aint the onlyfans connection kind of like a stripper though? The private dances part.. So it’s not something new, just more accessible🤔
Its similar but its not the same.
It's nothing new, no. Before onlyfans there was strip clubs, cam sites, phone sex operators.
oh gosh I can relate when people be nice and honest toward me I get confused like wait you actually like me or are you pulling my leg?
Some mobile do this too by writing game characters to inter act with players. The largest one go to the length that they made website to host the community . Not just letting game fan posting content . They hired exceptional content creator to give more to them as well.
What's up with girls shaming guys for being virgins, like , REALLY QUEEN! Girls don't go out ask guys out. Most girls i know are passive when it comes to flirting and dating (some girls do take initiative in dating, but they are dime a dozen). Guys hit in girls and then she dates and eventually sleeps with a guy. There is no game to flirt with this strange man and make him like her. Unless the girl made a effort to impress a guy to sleep her, don't shame a guy for being virgin. And if you are a guy and girl judges you for being virgin, you are better off not being with her. Cause she has her own issues she is walling off behind the giggles.
You got it. But as humans are.. we do anything to boost our ego even if we did nothing to deserve it. If you haven't achieved much in life other than being approachable then that will be the thing you are most proud of. People building their identity around being in relationships. Some of us don't get that lucky so we have to find meaning in other ways. Who is the more capable person? The one who had everything handed to them, or the one who had to work for it. And even so, success is not guaranteed. You have value regardless.
The same things that are going on with guys shaming girls for not being virgin. Both stances are stupid and most resonable people don't subscribe to them, men or women.
@@Avalami yeah, exactly but the point becomes as Dr. K said 'Lack of validation in the childhood hurt and neglect' . We can disagree on something but always validate and make people feel belonged.
Because women are attracted to guys that other women are attracted to. Being a virgin shows that other women aren't attracted to you which is an obvious red flag
The modern dating scene is this - guys expect most chicks to have (high) body counts. It's really hard to find chicks with little to no numbers toward their body count these days unless she is genuinely a virgin or that inexperienced. But conversely, in an odd way, chicks still want guys with more experience in bed for the sake of sexual satisfaction (this hasn't changed for literally decades). Modern dating is fucked.
I love that he’s talking about this subject.
14:20 Abusive Relationships
16:36 Abstinence is not gonna be sufficient
Neutral expressions being bad for kids....I now understand Shinji Icari
10:20 Flattened affect. How to tell schizo psychosis from depressive psychosis. Lymbic subway seat test.
"The most important question anyone can ask is: What myth am I living?" Carl Jung.
Only-Fans is such a shame-of-humanity.
The cycle of porn and relationship is true
God im not ready for a relationship
7:28 validation matters more than reassurance
'I pay you for telling me I'm right.' - He feels like he sucks at life, and it's addicting for him to listen to others telling him he's right. It's very sad, because there are way more problems than just being horny. This guy propably was hearing that he's wrong a lot of time, so many times it made him beg for being right.
There's something I dont particularly like about your comment. Im not trying to argue with you just trying to understand why by writing my thoughts down.
"He feels like he sucks at life, and it's addicting for him to listen to others telling him he's right."
I think this is mostly fine. It feels empathetic in a way.
"It's very sad, because there are way more problems than just being horny. "
It could be this which belittles his struggles. Yes there are tiers of problems but for this man this is his number one problem.
"This guy propably was hearing that he's wrong a lot of time, so many times it made him beg for being right."
It could be this which kind of sounds like a judgmental statement. At the same time its sentiments are similar but not the same as your first sentence. I cant exactly put into words the difference. Maybe thats where my confusion is coming from.
@@trytoo5167 Being horny is the least important problem here. If it was only about it, he'd just watch any kind of free porn that we have the unlimited access to. He spends a lot of money on it, and as he himself sees the problem in it, he certainly spends way more than he should. Why does he hurt himself for that pleasure?
He needs to feel closer to a girl, even if it's just an artificial relationship, he doesn't pay for being able to jack off, he does it so he gets a moment of attention from that girl. It's not about being horny at all, this is way deeper.
And my first comment focused on a little bit different aspect of his problems. I believe, though I can't be sure for 100% without talking to that guy, his fetish (femdom) comes from two points:
1)He thinks very low of himself, no self-esteem, and self-pity
2)He needs someone to assure him he's right, look at the first point of him seeing himself as the broken human, and add this point where he pays someone else to get that affirmation.
He literally pays a lot of money to a girl so he can get an artificial relationship and affirmation of his beliefs.
@@arthurmeyer2977 wrong.... he did all him self how can you be confident when you spend money on women and rely on others opinion.... its a question of mindset and his mindset is exactly what society wants you to be... or how can say it even better, the government wants this type of people, because you can control him so easily.... going your own path can also turn you to darkness, but i would rather choose that than being a slave to a corrupted system that doesnt even have a reason to exist, porn and this other shit are one of the reasons why this is happeneing
semen retention is the key to regain and heal yourself from this shit....but you have to go your own way unless you do that you cant succed in semen retention
listening to Dr K is just so peaceful, every sentence I learn something new, truly smart and wise
Im 27yo virgin male too and sometimes its hard mentally but over time you start to get used to it and not care that much, luckily im way too scrooge mcduck when it comes to money so I would never get addicted to OF or findom (knocks wood)
See an escort and experience sex. I did at 24.
You reminds me of Shwetabh Gangwar aka Mensutra. I think you people should colab
i know its weird but im addicted to online shopping and online food delivery. Like i can definitely cook my own food and have all the things but i still ended up finding myself scrolling thru online food menu and online shopping marketplace
I envy men who are able to get so excited about something that it becomes an addiction. Or at least I would envy them if i was capable of feeling such strong emotions anymore
This is pretty much the reason I never have the sound on for porn. My tastes are very particular, not super niche fetishes or anything, but very limited to the kind of woman I'm attracted to. I can't just pick some random content and get off to it, there's a whole set of criteria. No tattoos, no voyeur, little to no makeup, good smile, sweet as opposed to sassy or derisive. And she can't be looking off to the side of the camera, that makes me too aware the man in the video is not me.
But then I also have the sound off, because on some level, my brain recognizes that I'll be aware she isn't talking to me, and it'll pull me out of the experience. Every time I've tried turning the sound on, immediately I've shut it back off again. However, when I've been in relationships, even though it never got to the level of having sex, I can definitely see that I would have been fine with THAT real-life vocal interaction. Because it would actually involve me in the exchange. In porn, I actively resist emotional connection, because I'm aware it's just a stopgap, a lightning rod, and I want to be emotionally available when someone real comes along.
However, odd as it sounds, lately I've been working on my ability to maintain eye contact, and porn has actually been a decent way to practice this. It's zero-pressure, so I can train my brain to sit with the feeling of someone locking eyes with me, and it's become easier to maintain eye contact in the real world. Who knew? So in a weird plot twist, porn has actually helped IMPROVE my real-world interactions!
Hell world comment
That's pretty sad bro ngl
Ignore these replies dude. This is called healthy interaction with porn. This is awesome.
@@roredry Nothing about this is healthy. The man is literally perceiving reality through the lens of pornography. This is as disgusting as it is absurd.
@@roredry Ok coomer
i have been spending some monies on of in my darkest moments and i never interacted with the content creator i subscribed to. For me the addictive part was the gambling part of not knowing what content i will unlock when i spend this amount of money and oh hey ! she is making a 50% discount so it's a great chance to roll the dice for lower cost !
damn, some of the stuff you say really feels like basic things that everyone should know
David Cronenberg deals with exactly what you're talking about in Videodrome, which was released in 1983
dude it´s like girls being addicted to fanfiction and the guys from music bands, only then to realize later on that life doesn´t function like that and that EVEN if u r a girl, no one you idealize is to approach you just because u r one.. Just the fact of fanfiction being so much of a thing growing up, I restrained myself from immersing in any kind of socio-romantic life till the age of 20-21, while not being an outcast in middle-/high-school of any sort - so yeah, those things throw ppl into so much delusion regarding other ppl to begin with
I have come to 'edify' (excuse the lack of a better word coming to my mind right now) my own refrain discipline; which has helped me stay away from traps like these. In strange way, I have learned to have satisfaction in "rising above" and keeping in my head that I passed some ephemeral test or something on my difficult high road. It sounds like petty meaning making I know, but then aren't I passing another test by not faltering in my conviction for self discipline by heeding your skepticism.
Godsend of a channel ❤️
The chat always makes me crack up.
The problems people are facing are being treated like businesses opportunities. Anyone else kind of really sad that the world is like this
Not to be THAT person, but isn't that capitalism? The first thing they taught us in business school was: find a problem and create a business solution to fix it. Not saying its not sad, but isn't this the plan for how society is supposed to work?
@@violetsonja5938 to an extent. But more specifically hyper consumerism, which is probably an inevitable byproduct
@@violetsonja5938 and theres a big difference between selling a solution to a problem versus exploiting that problem to make money
@@chickenandksivideoreviewer9739 I would argue the only difference is the focus on monetizing a solution to a resulting problem rather than a root problem. Nobody monetized (or at least effectively marketed) a solution to the root problem. In other words we marketed street parking but not the solution to overreliance on cars. Maybe I am using a different definition than you, but you can attack a root problem in a way that still involves exploitative practices. To clarify, I am using exploit in the way I use it in my work in financial regulations.
@@chickenandksivideoreviewer9739 Also, there are different ways to define hyper consumerism, which one are you using? I imagine its not the manipulation of product cycles for quick turn around or commodification of religious symbols ones. But I could see if you mean the consumption as status version, but there are others. I apologize is this comes off as patronizing, I think you are going for the term commodification. As in the commodification of relationships?
Honestly it didn't even occur to me that porn was taboo in some relationships
Very relevant stuff man!
8:00 When I talk to people anonymously online, I already do it that way.
I don't know them, I don't really care about them.
Not sure, if I really had a conversation about that specific topic.
But I'd probably say something like that:
"Yeah, you're right. There is no purpose in life. So suicide sounds like an easy way out. I also kind of thought about suicide some time ago. But I didn't really see a reason. I can also just wait until I die. Life isn't that bad, and nowadays I'm even pretty happy. If I really considered killing myself, I'd rather just try dangerous stuff, I wouldn't normally do, maybe dangerous stuff, which could kill me, or criminal stuff or talking to women in public..."
This is an amazing eyeopener
That's just hella predatory
obviously
And its funny that preditory market practices are coming from young adult women this time instead of the usual shadowy faceless company.
Theres not much any ONE person can do against a faceless company that wants to be preditory (payday loans, etc), but onlyfans puts the people wanting to hurt others for profit in the same class rooms as us, the same shared space as us. I wonder how people are going to evolve throughout these next few decades, having to watch the people keeping them depressed and suicidal succeed right next to them instead of some misty hypothetical cajun island or behind a corporate logo
Unfortunately that's the way of a lot of the modern internet. Modern social media is free because they glean data from you that's far more useful to them than $5-20/month. YT doesn't care if they send people down a recommendation rabbit hole that ends up with them on extreme ideology, because highly paranoid people who watch content of extreme ideology spend a *lot* of time watching those videos. FB doesn't care that they've stoked the flames of ethnic violence (and genocide in a case or two) in multiple countries. Humans have a really long way to go before we figure out this whole internet thing.
@@ScatterBrainedYouBetterFollow Definitely. I'm already cynical and jaded, and the notion you've presented is a scary possibility to imagine. It is important to keep in mind that the core system hurts everyone, as well. The beauty standards, the dating standards, the "you're only worth something if you do something for me" dynamic (Dr. K has talked about the intrinsic value of a human multiple times), and so on. I think a major nuance that people will need to grapple with is that the women who have Onlyfans accounts and use, admittedly, highly predatory and emotionally manipulative tactics, are victims as well. It's important to not lose sight of that.
If you're pathetic enough to simp for an only fans girl then you deserve everything that comes with it, and you probably shouldn't breed. This is the modern form of natural selection.
Look, findom is abuse, pretty much by definition. I believe that it could potentially lead to terrible situations but it's essentially consensual abuse. If people feel they can't stop they need to seek help and take precautions. Ultimately people are responsible for their own life choices. These types of relationships have existed for ages in the BDSM world.
Any sources or further reading onto these topics?
12:03 they showed that with with the girl in hereditary, she barely changed expressions
Like a dealer to an addict. It's awful!
OnlyFans? More like LonelyFans!
Lol yes
LowValueMaleFans
"Visual imagery and sounds of sexual things which activate our brain and release dopamine and all that good stuff"
Yeah.. good stuff
3:52
I have one question that has been in the back of my mind a lot lately. If anyone wants to share their opinion or expertise on it feel free. So addictions have underlying causes, but can addictions appear due to mere exposure to said substance or behaviour or activity? For example, if i give a healthy adult some heroin without them knowing, they will develop a chemical dependency on heroin, right? Or what happens if the roots of the addiction are dealt with? Can the addiction persist, especially if the person was addicted to something for years and their body adjusted to it? It's just very blurry for me, where the roots of the addiction end and where the addiction itself starts, and if the addiction can exist on its own.
Your question gets to the heart of the issue. This is the million dollar research question, and a lot of people would pay a lot of money for a conclusive answer, but research as far as I understand it has not made a clear conclusion one way or the other. One clarifying idea you might be interested to learn more about is the difference between physical and psychological dependence on a drug--they're not exactly the same, and they definitely can't be used interchangeably. A person may be experiencing withdrawal symptoms for a drug even if they don't seem to fill any other criteria for an addict. And not all drug users are addicts.
Suffice it to say, the dynamics and factors behind addiction are ridiculously variable. There are some people who will use hard drugs like heroin or meth once or even for extended periods, then drop it without a care and never think about it again. Others are hooked from the first hit. Research to pin down the psychological differences between the first and second type of person is still underway.
@@AKhoja Very fascinating, it almost feels like the answer lies within the same territory that other big important questions occupy, like the question of "do we have a soul?". It seems for now the most effective solutions to battling addictions are psychological/spiritual and psychosomatic rather than a purely physical solution like medication or surgery. This is partly the reason why i love dr K so much. He is a brilliant doctor and has a lot of scientific knowledge, but at the same time he has extensive knowledge on more spiritual things stemming from his own culture and he doesn't operate on logic alone
Videos like this can be dangerous… I see a lot of people in the comments section putting down women in general because “this video confirms their beliefs about women”. It’s quite freaky imo lmao - but unfortunately that can happen in basically any video. Regardless this is a great vid :)
It's def dangerous, but since it's Dr. K approaching this topic I'd say it's a net positive. The people who make misogynistic comments will have thought those same things if this video didn't exist, and there is unquestionably no shortage of videos on UA-cam who seek to affirm those views.
@@nudibranch8659 I agree, there needs to be more vids like this tbh
At the end of the day, simps are weak guys. These types of women have always existed even before the likes of OnlyFans. Even if OnlyFans disappeared tomorrow, cam sites and whatnot have always been around, and simps have always done the same thing. We just can all joke about OnlyFans now as a common way for these simps to do this behavior. If more guys became even somewhat stronger, lots of simps would fade away. Self-respect starts with yourself. First and foremost.
is spreading truth hatred of women?? nope people just can't handle it!!!
Dr k please provide formula for success. Lol I'm capping I been watching ur videos I know my next steps and that's what's important 😈😈😈
I like the advice for helping suicidal people. Now I feel like I have a bit more ways to help.
So if I'm addicted to positive affirmation ASMR and voices of females telling me they love me and want to take care of me, what is it feeding? What am I missing that I feel like is being replaced here?
So sad the state of my fellow men.
Men today are seeking connection by going down very dark routes a lot linked to sex. Everything from gay trans clubs to onlyfans addiction. U name it it's happening.
@@Trudon Yup