The Golden Child Syndrome
Вставка
- Опубліковано 12 вер 2018
- It's tough of course not to have been loved much by one's parents; but there's a real challenge too in having been loved too much, or rather, admired in a stifling unreal way that lies at the core of what we call 'the golden child syndrome.' Golden children aren't - despite appearances - privileged at all; they suffer from the enormous burden of expectation placed on their too-young shoulders by over-eager parents.
Enjoying our UA-cam videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: t.ly/JmWcO
Be more mindful, present and inspired. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: t.ly/W9Rb1
FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: bit.ly/2NAt6Hj
“We are used to thinking of many of the psychological problems of adulthood as stemming from a lack of adequate love in our early years. We grow mentally unwell - prey to underconfidence, anxiety, paranoia and shame - because, somewhere in the past, we were denied the necessary warmth, care and sympathy. But there is another, more curious, and more subtle problem that may arise from childhood years: what we can term the Golden Child syndrome.”
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Watch more films on SELFin our playlist:
bit.ly/TSOLself
SOCIAL MEDIA
Feel free to follow us at the links below:
Facebook: / theschooloflifelondon
X: / theschooloflife
Instagram: / theschooloflifelondon
CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Gemma Green-Hope
www.gemmagreenhope.com/
#TheSchoolofLife #GoldenChildSyndrome
Do you know anyone that has been subject to "The Golden Child Syndrome"? Let us know in the comments below and keep growing with us by joining our new newsletter here: bit.ly/2LayJ9F
The School of Life Probably Rian Johnson the directer of Star Wars the Last Jedi. He's a bratty arsehole name calling the fans on Twitter saying we're man babies for not liking his god awful movie
DOGS BOLLOX You are absolutely correct... about being a snowflake, that is.
What difference could it possibly make to a hypothetical child?
great stuff =) .. who does the visuals ?
Hello there....Very nice and well crafted content that talks about the untouched phase of life.
Just a lil request ..Can you guys provide subtitles or can you be a lil more descriptive... That will be really helpful..thanx
I grew up in a very abusive family .
And i was set up to be rhe golden child and my siblings the black sheep.
It is horrible because inevitably when you do something wrong or don't fit into the screwed up narrative.
The pain and loathing you recieve is beyond comprehension.
A lot of it revolved around looking perfect, being the right weight, having beautiful long hair etc.
It put so much pressure on me.
Being the golden child is a curse.
Great video by the way.
Better than therapy
How cruel it was to hear..." What happened to you ? Everyone thought you would become a rocket scientist and you haven't done anything with your life."
I think except for child actors
most people wouldn't say that to anybody
@@sabrinacosta5667 you have no idea how common people use that to relatives or neighbors
@@JessAyu i forgot about this
You right
It happened to me! "What happened to you? You used to be a genius."
Ha, the story of my life
I've had people tell me "you're wasted working in a cafe. You should use your degree"
My response was "But I'm happy for once..."
This was me once. I decided not to go to uni, but it was expected of me to go.
I worked in a coffee shop and a former teacher came in and simply said, "what are you doing working in here?"
It hurt but I actually enjoyed working there.
I feel the same way. I’m set to transfer soon and I just want to go to a nearby college and get it over with. A coworker told me yesterday that the college expectance rate was too high and so it was bad and I am smarter than that. It really brought me down 😞
yup some of us just don't have all those great ambitions and just live a normal life where you can do everything you want like chef, painter, working in a small and humble shop. my parents don't really consider painter and chef doing waitress as a average job and only want to make me politician, doctor, lawyer, etc. it doesn't help that all your family and cousins and niece are going through this and start to accept to this situation and almost become adults when they are only 12 to 13 years old. i don't judge him but i know for a fact that his parents seemed strict as fuck
Frances it’s your life. You can make the world a better place without being prime minister. Your job is your choice. But you have time, you can change your mind. Just make sure you’re not only making decisions for other people, you matter too-have balance. That said writing for TV is not going to help with ur existential crisis lol
That's all that matters my dude, keep that smile up.
Golden child: You are not loved for who you are, but what they imagine you to be. Its the same as not being loved.
Id be hated for what i am rather than whay im not or what im never is
You put it so well what I couldn’t say in words but felt too well.
Spot on🙌 I couldn't have said it better
Oh boo hoo
Wow
I’ve been praised for being smart, but now I cry when I can’t do something right away
This right here. If I don't get something immediately, I start feeling like a failure
Yes but I’ve built my reputation at school as the comedian, the smart girl, and the popular girl. If I don’t get something right I get scared people will hate me for it. If I get a bad grade I’m scared I’ll never succeed or my parents will be disappointed. Most importantly, if I reveal one of my secrets I’d be called weird.
Sorry for ranting, just feels good to get it off my chest...
Same here, which is something I'm trying to work on
@@tiannahanson4545 same
same.
Was anyone else a "gifted child" when they were young and then grew up and realized the rest of the world had caught up?
Turns out I have a learning disability and ADHD, but because I was so "gifted" nobody noticed until I was acting out and flunking high school, lmao. The diagnosis came too little, too late; by that point I didn't know how to accept the idea of having trouble doing things, so as soon as I hit a roadblock in life, I always give up. It feels like being left in the rest of the world's dust honestly. I know way too many people in the same situation, it's sad.
Oh boy. YES
Haha, yep, I got into a gifted program and even an academic center. It was there I realized I wasn't hot shit, but actually a flaming dumpster fire.
Laura Miller me
MusicGamesLife exact same situation for me, by the time i got any diagnosis i was already left behind by everyone else and unable to catch up, just having to look at the distance i have to make up. still stuck in the pit now
Shout out to all those golden children who used to get 100% in everything and never learnt how to actually work
This is exactly me ... i graduated in biology at university, but i don’t know anything because im just good at test ... im litteraly not better that anyone in biology
@@samueltardif4923 Your statement hit me hard. Because I experienced the same thing. I'm good in memorising anything for the sake of test score but when in engineering practical test, I'm f up like an idiot. That's how life hit me.
@@Meyrin1020 That's sad... For me, I am very bad at remembering things and I do better at connecting dots, but my inability to remember just makes me feel stupid honestly.
@@rozz645 I see. But for me, if you understand, you can automatically memorise :D Like, understanding is better than force yourself to memorize things that you didn't actually like. That's my opinion :) Repeat the keywords also the way of memorising. But now memorising is no longer important bcoz we can keep data :D Modern prob, modern solution :'D
@@Meyrin1020 Can't relate to the 'remembering automatically' part. It's just not possible for me
The weirdest thing is how the gifted child ends up being extremely hard on themself. But that breakdown is inevitable. The prayer is it brings a higher level of self awareness.
The problem is you become aware that you are stuck here. Self awareness is very overrated.
I definitely agree I start going to therapy getting self-awareness and I’m doing what I love I courage or by to do the same!
@@chrisbova9686 it’s not you need to have it so you can escape being miserable when you’re older
@@Thaatsfantasy ok, I'm self aware that this is pretty miserable... Now what.
@@chrisbova9686 now you work to get out of there(wherever you're stuck)....i think?
Being “smart” is tough, because people always expect you to do well. But that’s all I know, academics. I have no real experience in actual physical work, it’s mainly academic. I’m scared that when I become and adult I won’t be the successful person they expect me to be. It just puts a lot of pressure on me.
Hey. It is tough and you must be under so much pressure. But it's okay to fail, it's okay to not be great at something from the get go. Slowly and slowly you can get better at even the things that are not your strengths. As John Steinbeck said, now that you don't need to be perfect, you can be good.❤️
yea me. I graduated college with flying colors but unemployed now. I can’t even have “just any job” coz of other people’s expectations, and I don’t actually like practicing my major. I’m stuck and just wanna disappear
I have been called dumb all my life and called the useless child but having people expect the absolute best from you all the time must be stressful.
Do an extracurriculare. That's the point of those, so you won't only focus on theory learning but physical and economic also🙃
I always did good in school. Nr 2 in my class in middle school and number 1 in high school. Went to elite university with performance based scholarship that completely covered all my tuition fees.
Started I waitressing job that I absolutely SUCKED at and my self esteem was just in crumbles. Took A LOT of work to get my confidence to where it was after just being completely sure I would just always ‘suck at working’ and that good grades never meant anything. But I’m fine now. Work as a foreign language teacher, which I love, and I’m extremely good at it :)
Even this job was hard in the beginning but I asked for a lot of help from my coworkers, tried to read up in everything I encountered in the classroom I hadn’t learned about in school. Trick was really to ease up and focus on the relationships with the students rather than trying to perform
I think the worst part of being a “gifted child” is that like, if a normal child gets a C in a test no one cares, but if the “smart one” gets a B- people will start to judge and other things, only because the smart one did not got the A+ like all the time.
Floppy Dumpling exactly
@@dragunovsvds48 Precisely. (I have had to deal with that for my entire secondary education).
Christina David damn, that sucks, hope it’s better now
you know what I do? I have my scores like
A+
B-
A+
C
A+
B-
until they get used to it and won't get surprised when I fail
Exactly what it’s like and I hate it. I’m not special and they should not praise me as such. The amount of disappointment my classmates give me when I get a single question wrong on a quiz is so stressful. I’m not even out of elementary, which makes me feel even worse because I know this will most likely carry on into later education.
When you start out as the "super gifted, talented kid", you almost get used to being good (and, for that matter, better than everyone else) at virtually anything. So when you're suddenly not the best, it feels like shit...
Meh Ya, my friends think this, they try to find things I’m bad at and poke fun at me for it, my friend asked what I’m better at french or Spanish, I said french bc I have been learning it since pre-k but that doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about Spanish ( sorry for ranting )
Yellow Roses real friends wouldnt poke fun at you
Even worse it becomes how you measure yourself
Meh Ya
Yeah so ducking true
I'm not saying I am super smart etc, but I have excelled in previous major exams, but in uni, I got a score of 1 or 2 out of 10 once in a quiz, and I was broken af, crying like an idiot. Nowadays, I'm even more stressed hahahahaha
This is like children who were gifted learners in elementary school but always end up depressed
Middle school and high school and college are different. Elementary level students mostly memorize and parrot back what is taught.
@@ratherbfishing455 sounds like high school to me
@@bendee3775 I wish I had you high school experience lmao
That can actually be due to other factors. It could be that they havent been diagnosed while suffering from ADHD, Autism and many others things.
@@princessrachida8092 There always has to be an excuse. It's because they play on their phones 24/7 an have loser parents who want to be their child's best friend.
I'm watching this as a young mom. I'm so impressed by everything my toddler does, it's really hard not to give praise for everything he does. It's something I'll have to watch in my own behavior to not expect him to always be expectional. Because I really do love him the way he is and will be.
This is weird and random but you remind me of a celebrity haha. I just wanted to say that. Sorry x
Sana all
Praise is fine, just don't expect too much, don't try to mold them in to who you want them to be. Let them be their own person.
As a teacher, don't praise your kids for qualities they can't change such as: "you're so smart, you're so pretty, you're so talented". Instead praise their effort "you really thought that through, you worked so hard, you put in a lot of effort".
u seem like such a great mom :) wish mine could support me instead of giving rude remarks all the time
Everyone watching this was “gifted” in school but lost in life now
They binge all day on youtube and cheetos....
Expectations: high
Anxiety: growing
Social skills: nonexistent
As a gifted student being "the smart kid" of the family meant most effort went into academics and sports, not plain socializing. Now I'm expected to go to uni and get a 6 figure job just because a psyc test I took in grade 4 said I was smart
No I suck at everything and have only 1 friend yet my famaliy still treats me like I’m some kind of prodigy despite me having no talents
@@Noodles0upp after hearing about your skills i ran them in my robotic intelligencia computer and it said......maybe run for....vice president someday? Or..be a teacher?
I'm still the first part of that sentence
#cantrelatejustyet
It would’ve been interesting to hear how it affects the other siblings that aren’t the ‘golden child’ or have to live in the shadow of their sibling.
Sade Simms my brothers always seemed to actually do better because of it, they had higher expectations for me that I couldn’t reach so my brothers sought that attention by working harder for achievements in hopes of gaining my parents affection. It’s sad looking back on it but I think it’s made them stronger and freeer people than I ever could be because of how hard they worked.
Both of us were golden children actually but in the earlier years, my younger sister is the quiet one. Now, she's proven to be more motivated than I am, and more skilled at everything, even domestic chores. She now treats me like the younger one, and my whole family too calls me immature and crazy. Such a happy life to live.
Joshtapus that’s really interesting. Have you ever wondered why your parents placed high expectations on just you?
Chamily Vasquez-Mendez thanks for mentioning that. It’s weird to think how for one child they can thrive in a way because of it while for another it can be damaging. Was that difference between you and your sister always there from childhood or did it only show once you became adults?
@@sadesimms527 It showed more now that we are older, maybe started when we moved with our grandparents. I believed they thought I was a bright kid because I was always so interested in everything. The crucial point was when I aced a Science Bee contest with a perfect score, just because I read all the books in our library out of interest. Because of that, I've started to think that curiosity was more of a curse to me, and the more I know, the more I regret. I also have an overactive imagination and get extremely excited when sharing them, compared to my sister's calm and reserved manner. I'm still on okay terms with her, but it made us grow apart and she belittles me sometimes.
The worst feeling is when you failed a test and your parents expression changed, then they asked "how about your friends?" So you have to assure them that they all failed. I wish they would say that it's okay to fail sometimes, that I can do better next time. But no, I have to be perfect
I made up stuff like that all the time!! Like, if I got a nice grade, they wanted to know what everyone else got to see if there was someone who did better than me -they wanted to hear my "excuse" for not doing as good- but then if my grade was lower (not even by much) and I tried to defend myself by saying "It was a difficult test, everyone got lower grades" my parents would tell me something like "we dont care about the others we want YOU to excel". I became such a good liar lmao
They asked about my friends too... I didn’t say anything tho because I’m afraid that they would compare me to my friends...
oof. was literally told off for having the "wrong choice of a friend" since that "friend" was never really among the top 5, nor did she have any special talents that earned her a place among those recognized (as i had been). when i fell from the ranks, they blamed it on that person (without letting her know, of course lol) and tried their hardest to convince me to "stay away" from her. i remember once getting a low score a year after that and telling them, "but even xxx found it difficult." all i got was a, "you're different. she's inferior, and among everyone in your class, you can do even better if you try even harder." was literally already the first placer that time.
usually i just tell my mom that i dont know
which is the truth. i genuinely dont know what my friends got because i never bothered to ask
My parents wouldn’t ask how my friends did, they would ask if I did my best. I think it’s better…but I think it was still a lot of pressure because it implied they’d be disappointed if I didn’t always try my very best. Perfection in effort (and an underlying expectation of good grades)
The worst part about being a “golden child” is the gossip.
Exactly that's why it's been more than a year that i haven't talked to toxic family members, never been so peaceful!
your parents friends expectations are higher than your own fam, then they will "what happen to her daughter/son?" They be disapointed like c'mon y'all didn't raised me-- but talk like they did :( suck man
My mom directly told me the gossip she overhead from our neighbors
I know! My parents always talk about me, badly
My classmates are like that, i have high grades and i literally study just so they dont call me out. If only i was homeschooled
Funny how everyone in this comment section was “smart” or so they were told. However, once they realized they were no different than any other person it shattered the illusion that their parents built up.
@Robby Wilski lol
@@robertruge2916 Yes, that's definitely how it works. Totally. You figured it out. Good job 😂
It's not that funny you know, it just shows how screwed up Society can be.
Theres a difference between your parents telling you youre smart, and being the literal smartest kid in your class who cant comprehend why people suck at school or anything really
AnimeFreakish78 how old are you? Just asking
My sister is the golden child, and she’s broken down over the last year.
She dropped out of school. Lost all her friends. Quit her job and refuses to look for a new one. She is depressed.
And my parents are too easy on her to try and get her help, or convince her to get a job and punish her when she’s done something wrong.
And this video perfectly explains why she’s broken down.
When one showcases their child and publicise child's talent more than enough doesn't mean that child is only smart, and when the whole world catches up, it kinda hurts to them.... Let's be real, not ever childhood smarty pants always remain on top... Even Einstein was dull in childhood, and he is one of the greatest mind we had... Point is never judge someone just by intellectual ability at younger age, some can learn faster... Its not about learning faster but how well u know..
Sangeetha Compliments are burdens of sorts. If you can’t live up to them, you feel like a failure.
@@sangeethavarmaa3628 not to be nit picky but the thing about Einstein isnt true
Honestly, I was the golden child until I stopped showing my grades to my parents. My grades are good but I felt like I was making my sister ashamed of her grades since she didn't exactly have the best grades. She was reprimanded and I felt it was my fault because I set a high bar for her meanwhile being younger.
I'm afraid I'm going to break down (I'm starting to) and I'll be left in the dust by my other successful classmates
I still can't forget the fact that my mum tore my piles full of drawings infront of my eyes just because my grades were not around 98 but 96. I also can't forget the day when we learned my high school enterence exam. I got into %0.7 in my country and she was disappointted. She cried and shout and threw things around. I moved to a different city when I got into high school (top 10 schools in my country) and saved my mental health from that environment.
holy shit. you sure she isn't kinda crazy or something (pertaining to her having thrown a tantrum)? no offense, but that was literally the most un-adult thing i've seen today.
Bro that's like child torture....
Hope your safer now
@@KamiLeonOfFishAll well I couldnt make top 10k in my university enterence exam this year -which is required if you wanna study medicine- so I'm studying for another year in my family home and it sucks but yeah, I'm holding on :D 7 more months and I'll be free.
@@ayblablabla awww that's nice to hear
Good luck on your exams!
@@KamiLeonOfFishAll Thank you so much!
I'm dating a "golden child" and let me tell ya, its rough. He has no idea what he wants to be when he grows up. He is expected to go to college and yet he doesn't know what he should go to school for. All throughout grade school he strove for A's and only A's and now he honestly has no passion other than being used to being labeled "smart."
I feel for him. It's hard. I'm going through this now and I am so lost.
@@star27inthenightsky same
I fear that the person Im dating right now is going to ask what I want to be and when I won't be able to give out a straight answer they will judge me completely and break our connection
I'm going something similar.
I had no idea wth i want. I've chosen a college that even I not sure if i want. just because i was pressured by the expectations my parents had for me, I didn't even know what kind of people my parents are, since they are working abroad for most of my childhood years. It was only im an adult (18 years old) that we start living together as a family again.
Because of my estrangement to my parents, i rarely talk to them and felt pressured when ever talked about the future.
They kept telling me what are the demands for the future and study it, so that i can earn for myself.
Edit: I don't usually have high grades during my highschool years, mostly average. I have high grades in other subjects and lower on others.
@@eugeneroyce I'm afraid i'm going the same thing as u do. Man this is scary
"A life does not need to be golden in order to be valuable" how liberating is that!
Yes, but I still can't believe this is true...
Thats ture
Look at james holms. Golden
it should be more like 'life doesn't have to be golden to just be'
@TheBlondie Honesty with your own delusions - is the way to release. To deny delusions won't help.
Oh to be a "golden child" that was/is consistently praised for being " gifted, talented, genius, incredible, etc. ", while also being torn down and questioned when you aren't successful *all the time* questioning why I'm not "smart" anymore yet still stuck with my golden child reputation in high school
same:/
Ha. My mother once said “You know what I’m a bad mother. My expectations are too high. For everyone in the world really. It’s because I survived so much and excel at my own expectations so why can’t everyone else?” Talk about narcissistic. She said like it was a good thing. Like she didn’t giver her child anxiety and forced them to be quiet and reserved because when they talked about their feelings they were shut down. So they became bitter and angry at the world at the ripe age thirteen.
Edit: apparently I can’t spell.
Cordelia Jackson no worries about the spelling, same story but my mom said, “an 80% is already fine by me” (equivalent of a D or C?)
Like in 2nd grade I legit cried at her, cuz I just broke her expectation, not like I did very well at that time but it was kinda unexpected
Don't you hate it when you tell your friends, "I'm having trouble with this. Can you help me figure it out?" and they go, "But you're the smart one. If you can't figure it out, no one can. Do it yourself."
My friends, classmates (and teachers too!) always despised me for worrying about tests in school.
"As if you're going to fail..you shouldn't burden us with your problems when we get lower grades." They didn't know I never studied, I just procrastinated all the time, absolutely hating myself for it (but at 11/12 what am I gonna know how to change it?) and pull an all nighter the day before any test. I would cry my eyes out every time. I never knew how to behave and even if I asked for help people wouldn't take me seriously. I was just aspected to excel anyway, for no discernible reason. Teachers, parents and friends saw me struggling ALL THE TIME. But hey, my grades were still great so why give a shit
Parents who expect everything from their child are often failures themselves - if not intellectually, then emotionally.
Yes I wonder how many come from young parents and poor families.
And are projecting their insecurities inclusing dissappointments in their kids.
This explains my constant feelings of dissatisfaction with my life that I had back in college. I always wondered why I was never truly happy when someone got a great job offer or won an election. I was comparing myself to them, it wasn't jealousy, it was self-criticism. because growing up I was "a future leader" and "extremely gifted" when really I was just a good test taker and teachers liked me cuz i never made trouble🤷🏻♀️.
Now, I'm learning happiness isn't tired to my achievements like i was taught. This past year, for the first time in my life, I wasn't working towards something. I was enjoying time by myself and with my loved ones, watching a ton of movies, started cooking more, drawing but never forcing myself to do a finished piece and just doing things that i thought were "time-wasters" before. And it's been pretty great for my mental health so far
That sounds so good and healthy. I hope you'll keep going and find your way. Maybe someday I'll do to:)
@@oppenbot1717 aww me too
Proud of you
Man being the "Gifted Child" damaged me so badly. I would always overwork myself and waste my life trying to get better grades than the average students. And when I wasn't the best, I would beat myself up because of it. Once I got a B+ in a class I was a bit worse at then others, and when my classmates found out they gasped and started talking bad about the grade I got. The teacher did not help AT ALL and just said to me, "I'm a little disappointed. I expected better from you." That hurt me so badly I felt like crying. I've never felt so extremely disappointed in myself and when I got home I busted my ass studying. Man that made me feel like absolute shit.
i once had a kid (luckily he goes to a different school now) that compared his grades to mine on EVERY TEST, in front of the whole class. i got straight a+s my entire seventh and eighth grade year (i ended up earning the highest achievement award at the end of my middle school career). so, this only put more pressure on me to succeed.
How are you now?
Im still a part of that category as im still in school but both home life and school life has definitely affected me. I was forced into the golden child role. Anything less than a B was unacceptable. If i saw those things on my report card i would full on panic and cry. I constantly bottle things up to the point where its like i just burt with emotion at one point and i know its not good but i can't stop because i have no one but this twisted personality that doesn't feel like it is mine.
i hate people like that. fuck man we try so hard but we're not allowed to make mistakes....
Maybe I’m not a “golden child”, but I’m going to be honest, I was slightly spoiled for being an only child. My parents always thought that I was an intelligent child, or a genius, or a prodigy, or something like that. I performed well when doing piano, bam! I’m called a “Mozart” by my parents. And then I get something wrong that I don’t really understand and then I get yelled at, and my self-esteem takes a big hit. I’ve never felt anything but slightly above average and maybe flaunting my vocabulary a bit in everyday conversations. So, to have all the pressure on you to succeed and do better than your parents? It really hurts you, especially when you’re yelled at for what would normally be an average performance. The tendency for people of above-average intelligence to have mental illnesses or problems is because of their mindset and what their family shaped them as.
Otherwise known as the "my baby is so smart. He's gonna be a doctor" syndrome.
Edit: I hope everyone can figure their problems out. I made this comment out of my own experience of being stressed into engaging into a field I was passionate about, but soon grew to hate from the stress put onto me by my parents. I hope everyone who feels this way can find some type of peace or serenity. Find yourself and your true passion, love yourself for what you want to be and not what others expect you to be, and keep striving. I'm still trying to do just that. I find glimpses of finding inner peace and true passion, but it fleets away here and there.I'm sure I'll soon find it and so will all of us. I love you all and can understand your fears and stress. Please, find a way to keep going and find happiness.
Which sucks also because, maybe he *is* smart as hell, but wants to play guitar and not be a doctor.
Mood. Or when they act like you're the only thing that can contribute to a good financial future, but you're way too dead inside due to years of stress from them and you don't even know what you want to be anymore because you don't know if your dreams are actually yours or that of your parents.
@@rahvithecolorful Exactly, sums up my whole entire existence
How I ended up in medical school...though I feel like I don’t want to be anymore
Anyone can be a doctor, though hahaha. The problem is when they say: “my baby’s so smart. He’s gonna be outstanding”. Cause being outstanding is indeed exceptional and therefore, highly unlikely.
I’m a recovering golden child: Top of my class, always being praised for my beauty, the favorite child. Then I moved continents and beauty standards changed. My parents split and their dotting love seemed to go with the separation. I also became the new African kid with an accent and was placed in a remedial English class. It has been over a decade but I can’t seem to shake all this. Still expecting so much, still falling so short. Still seeking the praise, while feeling extremely unremarkable. I wouldn’t wish this on any child. I get so envious of children who I see being carefree and supported by their parents regardless of accomplishment. You see them playing, getting their clothes dirty, and their hair a sweaty mess. Their parents give them space to be free, to be messy, no cumbersome expectations. Those to me turn out to be the most confident and accomplished kids. They’re backed by a love that has liberated them. Oh how I wish.
My story is similar. Beautiful comment about a love that can liberate. At the end of the day this is what we really seek as golden children, to be free of the expectations we have placed on ourselves, so that we can simply be as we are.
The last sentence is so relatable to me. I sometimes feel that I wasn’t given the space to make mistakes and was praised or loved only when I was performing exceptionally and this has negatively impacted my confidence. Today I dread making mistakes at work thinking that soom they’ll know that I’m just an average person and not someone intelligent, exceptional.
Our lives are very parallel. I’m still trying to unpack exactly how being a first gen kid messed me up because I haven’t felt like a person since I was 12. I’m 23 now. Like your whole world crashes and you really have to put yourself together alone, esp if you’re an only child.
Well said😭😭😭
Bro wrote a hole paragraph 🙏🙏🙏
respect.
I wish a lot of Parents could see this.
Having a healthy adult hood requires balance during childhood of receiving both discipline and praise. Too much of anything will cause problems.
Why do i see you everywhere wwtff
edacousellis: she must see you everywhere, too! WHY? WHY? WHY?
@@jilliansmith7123 why indeed! we must be similar in our tastes.
Yes, but it’s possible to re-parent yourself. The way you put it sounds very deterministic, like if you have a bad childhood you’re automatically screwed and there’s nothing you can do about it, which is definitely not the case :)
How does one define discipline though?
I see it all too commonly used as a euphemism for punishment, which the latest science strongly suggests causes negative outcomes.
It seems far better to use "reinforcement of positive opposites", where you explain the pitfalls of certain behavior, but focus more on offering to them information about what is good about an alternative behavior, to give them a positive association with it and provide a direction for them to head towards.
I feel like a lot of, "toddlers and tiara's" beauty pageant kids struggle with this.
Ciara991x especially kids who doesn’t want to do it.
That would absolutely be where this syndrome lies, within the head of those lil girls now lost. I think it may have been actually created uniquely for them; esp if they didnt pursue any other solid aves to find success & their trophies are now too dusty and old to matter.
those things are the stuff of nightmares
I don't like judging a group of people I've never met or associated with but from what I can tell 90% of the parents that put their children in beauty pageants are fucking psychotic and conceited. The way they sort of... pimp their own children out is disgusting and exploitive.
Yes I was 1, I feel like this now. 💩
The sad thing is that when you are the golden child, everyone will expect so much from you and will make you feel worthless if you don't succeed in life. Being the golden child is the biggest mistake of my life....
You can keep think that way or just be greatful of your life. That shit still a huge gift. Now u know the dark fact of being golden child, u can get the situation u want if u speak up to your family. I hope so.
This world population contain lots of children who are not able to school or get love. I am
#goldenchild too and I assure that you have a bunch of reasons to be greatful instead insecure.Believe me.
@@anyoknyok4080 I was just saying what I went through and the problem in our society. I am still grateful though...🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Goldenchild is the most luckiest one,, provided all the support..
It's not your fault. It's the parents who make you feel like a "golden child".
@@Crystal_G_1989 unless in a healthy family dynamic otherwise it comes with a price to be paid by the time you awaken.
This sounds pretty depressing. Some of us watching like me may have been put down as children as worthless. But seeing the other side of the spectrum, it seems like it's just as dark.
As someone who's a victim of said other spectrum, I agree.
I agree
They never really loved us, we were tools for their egos.
@@mississipi1103 Yeah and they always say that we are not enough, but to other people they talk about how amazing we are.
its weird cause I feel like I've been on both sides of this spectrum... and yeah, no one side is better than the other.
Just the other day my mother told me: "So crazy how kids end up! As a kid, you were so smart and brilliant and confident and ambitious, while your sister was just average. But now you're this poor and depressed and struggling writer while she has a successful job in finance with a side business. I would have NEVER guessed that this is how you two would turn out!"
P.S. I ended up where I am because I spent YEARS trying to satisfy my parent's dreams of who I should be and being immensely lost and depressed over it, while my sister spent all that time trying to prove everyone who thought she wouldn't amount to anything wrong.
Omg, that’s terrible
exactly. my mom tells me all the time how i could be such a great engineer-because i excel in math and science. however, both math and science bore me and i really dislike them. i know i will never become an engineer and make sure i am happy with where i am
I can really relate to you. My older brother who was not so good in school is the one who supports our family now and I can say that he really did become successful .But me who was really good in school failed the board exam, currently unemployed and still living in the house without any contribution. I love my brother though cause he is really supportive of me, even though I failed he still sees potential in me and urged me to take the exam again. I love him so much and is really happy for his success. Im hoping that someday I would be successful at something too. 😊😇
God, what an obnoxious thing to say. Does your mom not realize she raised you and it’s her fault?
@@nicole-yi9bm good for you! I wholeheartedly support you not doing something that won't make you happy, even if you might be good at it. I say this as an engineer who feels good about having chosen engineering :)
I’ve just recently started to realize how too much praising in my childhood has screwed me up mentally as an adult. I’ve become a perfectionist, always having unrealistic expectations from myself and always trying to build that perfect image of myself in the minds of everyone I meet. It’s so exhausting and nerve wrecking.
Forget what others say, and do things to satisfy urself.... people always have something to complain...if what one does is too good, then they make fun of our obsession to perfectionism... Sometimes it's better to analyze ourselves that the praise and criticism we get are genuine...coz too much false praising is as unhealthy as too much far fake criticism
This video and these comments - yours included - have me GENUINELY relating to something for the first time in, God, maybe my entire life. This is who I am and I didn’t even realize it until now. I’m at a loss and yet relieved. Whoa.
Same! Especially since I always hung out with, like, actually smart people, and quickly realized that pretty much the only thing I could actually trust my parents on is that I look nice. And wow, would you look at that, it's time to develop an eating disorder to try and preserve the one thing that I am actually kept around people for. Honestly, I'd feel like a hood ornament most of the time. The greatest compliment (and the only one I was capable of believing) is when people say I'm hot or make advances or, you know. The usual. I had a girlfriend I really liked and everything fell apart because I kept thinking she only wanted me around to be the cute face to her brains.
People seem to believe that compliments = self-esteem. The more compliments, the more self-esteem. But it's so much more complicated than that. It's more like giving someone a mould to fit in. If you feel like it's too big, that you'll never be that good, it can be debilitating.
Hipppogrifff same
Omg... This is the same exact problem I'm experiencing... When people say that they are motivated by my high grades, that I inspire them, that Im such a good student... I start to have this mentality that I have to be better. I have to be best.
Then people tell me to tone it down a little, that it's okay to let ur grades sometimes slip... So I start to not care about grades.
Then comes the praise and all...
It's a cycle. I hate it.
The golden child is so "special", that if he/she fails to be special, they are termed "not living up to your POTENTIAL". Missed your alarm? Too bad, you were born to do great things. Missed the school for a day? Too bad coz you were born to learn as much as you can and impart the gift of knowledge everywhere.
Golden child should be a topper. Golden child should be smart. Golden child should always make their parents proud. Golden child should never fail, even if their parents don't have any idea how hard it is for them.
My mom couldnt teach me beyond 6th standard and my dad was always busy. Studies were hard. But because my mom is a narcissist, she would send me to private tutors, everyone and anyone she could find, despite my dislike. I had no life... I was forced to study and study and study, and chose engineering... for what?????
I was a creative person. I always merited in painting, story writing, essays, articles... I even won awards. I used to top in them effortlessly. But those were secondary stuff. "No big deal". What was necessary was that I top in subjects like Physics, Maths, science etc. That will make them proud. Not painting, writing or social sciences...
Today I am "unemployed". I work a part time job at All India Radio, and I am happy. I may not be financially successful, but it gives me a lot of peace instead of trying to achieve something I cant.
I'm so glad that you are happy with your current job. It's important to be in your own element. Good luck to you and congratulations on obtaining a new degree of peace!
I'm glad to see you're at a place where you're comfortable now. Honestly our life as Asians is just unfortunate.
Study in science and be a doctor or engineer and nothing less. Its a huge pain in the ass and too many things to commit too. Not to mention most people crumble under the pressure.
Since you used to be a creative person, I suggest picking up creative hobbies again when you're not busy with work. If you hone your skills again, you could even make money off it and have the life you imagined for yourself. Basically do what makes you happy. If you enjoy something, you'll eventually get good at it and money will come rolling anyways.
@@mcbedo6568 Can relate. Most Asian parents tend to think that only office based jobs will make you successful. Be an engineer, be a doctor and you will become rich. But a farmer? A carpenter? An electrician? They'll label you as delusional and a failure.
@@juandelacruz5182 a farmer, carpenter, electrician mentality I can still understand because where I'm from these are viewed as low-class jobs mainly taken up by the poorer class.
But God forbid, an artist, a writer, a fashion designer, a chef? yOu'Re a FaiLure tO tHe faMily. Like these are literally respectable jobs all across the world, and with enough skill you can actually make sooo much money off of these!
But unfortunately, we're doomed to the eternal fate of choosing between either a doctor or engineer.
It’s narcissistic parents that either put their child on a pedestal or treated like dirt. Both are child abuse.
It's things like this that makes me wonder what kind of cosmic hubris possesses people when they choose to have children. Raising a child seems more complicated than quantum physics, and it is done with an innocent being as the inheritor of all the parents' mistakes and imperfections.
Kids don't come to this planet because they're seeking to edify the parents' lives, kids come here for their own reasons. The best you can do for your child is help them figure out why they came to the planet. Teach them how to think, not what to think, but how to think. If you can teach them that, they'll figure it out for themselves eventually.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me "what happened to you, you used to be so smart/intelligent" I'd have enough money to afford the therapy I need because of the expectations of my family.
Like, Cindy, I was never intelligent. It was you who inflated my mediocrity into something it was not. Thank you for that.
oof u snapped to cindy
so zen amen
I'd have enough to buy a ps4 and at least 5 games
Poor Cindy, she's just upset her perfect remodel is no longer doing so perfect. :(
dammit Cindy!
Since the day I was born I was always praised by my whole family, told how special I was, told I was very very VERY highly intelligent, how I'd change the world, etc. My parents never grounded me, got me everything I asked for. Overall I was always treated as the smartest and most beautiful being on Earth. I was always expected to be the best at EVERYTHING, and my family reminded me all the time.
They still do.
Reality hits people at one point, and that was college for me. Such a horrible realization. I am now very depressed, and I'll admit that I am incredibly dependent on people, I have breakdowns after any small fail.
Please, parents, don't spoil your children, don't lie to them, don't let love blind you from being honest to your children and giving them reality checks. Life is miserable when you realize you're not really a God.
Wow its just my same story... greetings brother
I really relate to this
my parents used to tell me this as a kid. "you're so gifted! you have so much talent! you're smarter than others!" i was placed in all honors classes from a very young age and was enrolled in dozens of extracurricular activities. any grade below an A was a failure. now i have no clue what i'm doing. i never meet my own expectations and everyone in my class is catching up to me (i know it may seem egotistical but it's the truth). the only thing that i was trained to do was to get good grades and be at the top of my class. now im so unmotivated and empty but my parents still remain toxic and pressuring. i'm still kinda young, but i have no idea what's going to happen in the future and i'm really scared.
We are on the same page
At the end. You will realise what makes you happy is yourself ♥️ keep going. Life will open other doors. Take the one that makes you happy / feel more fulfilled. A constant reminder to self that. Even if im mediocre. It’s okay. And eventually you will ignore their toxicity. Even tho it still hurts sometimes. Find your community. You will be okay. Sends hugs~
You are worthy of love just for being you. Not for being exceptional. You're heart is what's golden. Remember that. If you find your parents will never change, you will have to get away. Or the wounds they caused will never heal. Remember that too. You can find a family that will love you unconditionally. Look for those people and pull them close. You will be ok.
And now, yoga.
"X is smart, it's just that they don't apply their potential"
Hmmm, I wonder why....
This is pretty much a standard phrase a lot of people with ADHD hear. It sucks big time.
@@Alexander-tu3iv Oh heck, I was gonna say that.
Just taking notes on how to be the best parent at 16.
Haha, same. Ofc, we have to be prepared, these notes will become useful in like.....20 years
@@eeveeofalltrades4780 Of course
Omg hi my nctzen bro. We are everywhere
Lol this is impossible..
There’s no best parents
There’s no best child
Just live your life and if you don’t enjoy your existence,don’t bring another poor baby into this shitty world
Researching means u care and u are willing to learn so u are already best parent ever ! Call ngratulations!
As a “golden child” who benefited greatly from traditional measures of intelligence, I find the education system that rewards a very narrow spectrum of “success” breeds this phenomena as well. The smooth cruise of school did not push me to grow as a person with failure tolerance. Of course the system is never easy to change and there is no promise of a perfect answer - but super happy to just see this idea being shared and also how many people seem to be working their way out of it!!!
thank you! I’m someone who has good grades and test scores, but does that guarantee I’m smart or will be successful later in life? If there’s someone who doesn’t have good grades and test scores, does that guarantee they’re not smart or won’t be successful?
The education system is painfully flawed, but there’s going to be changes, I hope:))
That is v true . Our parents always judge us on the basis of the education system which is in itself so flawed already, it's just so sad to realize, how you judged yourself and your worth on the basis of grades and how you were somehow special and , later it comes as a shocker when those supposedly "special traits" don't even mean anything...and you realize what the fuck. Was I the only one fussing about getting good grades.. what were the other kids doing? We become such parent pleasures, it's not even that we are v quiet or especially v obedient, rather this sense of specialness which we've been fed, makes us rude, judgemental and gives a superiority type feeling... Personally in my case, I've always felt that 'i know everything , I just know what to do, don't tell me' and had become v manipulative (unconsciously though) ,...the depression after facing the real life (for which I was inept ) made me realize all where life was going wrong...
Completely agree with this. My parents were only moderately concerned with my performance in school and certainly pushed me to do better. The school on the other hand placed a halo on my head and that has really messed me up and I wish SCHOOL OF LIFE will also put up a video on how to undo the effects of it.
The way you put what o feel into words 👁👄👁✨
I agree, my dad wasn't considered very smart and only got low grades when he was in school and barely passed. But, he is a very successful businessman now that has earned many awards internationally as well as having his own business with a loving wife and three children.
It is sad, when you get over praised and then never reach the goals people said you could
Also I was scrolling through the comments and another thing I saw come up hat I can relate to is that there’s a point where your parents get used to you getting good grades all the time and stuff, and it kind of numbs them to it so at some point you don’t even get praise for good grades and stuff anymore (at least for me) and you only get questions and stuff if your grades are worse than usual
When I was young, I was often praised by my intelligence and 'special' talents. A+ at all tests. Perfected periodical tests multiple times, especially English (an Asian) and Science. The pride of the school, and always participated in quiz bees and such.
I was told I was special. And I believed it.
I was praised for like nearly everything I did. Naturally, I got a big head due to this upbringing.
Then, at high school, reality began to set in. Grades got lower. Dreams crashed. The weight of the countless expectations was simply too much. A realization hit me and slammed some sense into my thick skull. *Maybe I wasn't special.*
After realization, comes liberty. And to be honest? It felt more amazing than perfecting quizzes.
Parents and people who's thinking of having kids, please, *please* don't ever be like my parents. I mean, it's okay to praise your kids but also ground them to reality. There needs to be balance between discipline and praise; having one them too much will harm your kids. Be honest to them, give them concise criticism if need to. And as much as possible *don't* lie to them. They'll just find out the truth later.
U story sound like annamasumara in korean webtoon
It’s also a combination of staying in place and not being challenged school was always so easy when I felt I was actually doing learning and loving it but it soon became boring and I fell so hard.
Well I think teaching kids to work more rather than relying on intelligence can solve the problem, coz some are fast learners, some are slow, but after some time it kinda levels up... You can't just judge a person by initial years
cereal killer idk but your comment made me facepalm.
L.G. Black 👍
Wooo! My parents always told me I was mediocre.
Good for youuu!! Hurraay
Don’t ruin a meh thing! We can’t have it going to my head.
Want us to tell you you are special? :P
*Jealousy intensifies*
Yay for realistic parents!
I never knew about this phenomenon but damn I'm a fucking golden child.
being the oldest child, i found that a difficult part of this is, on top of everyones constant praise and high expectations, i feel as though i am hurting my younger siblings. i do not ask for the large amounts of praise or think i do anything out of the ordinary, yet they are always being compared to me. it hurts me but i feel helpless
ok i can’t be the only one who expected a yellow baby
aushahsgauhsha
Actually, im expecting a golden shining glittery baby :,(
I expected for this to be a rare birth condition where the child is kind of a golden color lol
izzy floof same lol
same...
When you're a "gifted child," you get so used to being perfect that you feel like shit if you score anything less than the best.
Yeah actually....
which is why you drop everything you're not instantly good at to "save face" in front of an unseen audience.
Totally
xhuangznni me... i have this internalized idea that ill be good at everything i try, and if im not, im a disappointment
@Kevin w i'm not in any place to say anything since i'm not you, but perhaps the best way to tolerate one job is to just think of it as your source of income and nothing else. like, that's literally it. no one is watching, no one is listening; it's just you and that paycheck you need to keep yourself afloat.
The feeling of not being able to live out the expectations set for me is debilitating and I’m not able to get past it just yet. It’s made harder because of the lack of friends and connections I had growing up. I feel like I need to be better than everyone else and at the same time I don’t feel like I can relate to anyone which makes it impossible for me to feel like everyone else.
I feel the same.
Omg someone put it into words
This video hit pretty close to home. I've always had unrealistically high expectations of myself and it's taken its toll on my psychological health, my personal relationships, and ironically my ability to succeed in life. Acknowledging I'm actually just an ordinary person is strangely comforting.
Who else remembers nothing from the past years of school because we did it for those 100% scores instead of the goal to learn new stuff
same u-u
i cant even tell you what i did in math last week.
Yeah- I honestly learned more by reading books than being in school, because the books were about something I *actually* like learning about, but even if I had been given the same things in school, I wouldn't have learned anything because school is more about getting good grades than actually learning
It's interesting to me to hear how other people lived. I never gave a shit about school. My range of interests cast an incredibly wide net outside of academia though. Physics, engineering, photography, skateboarding, hockey, mass psychology etc really did it for me, but school in and of itself was torture. I ended up having fun doing renovations because you have to constantly problem solve and be creative and very capable in multiple dimensions and disciplines, and the satisfaction of designing and building something is incredible. The thought of being forced to read and regurgitate something from a book because a teacher tells me to is torture for me. I do regret no giving a damn in school because I certainly had the capacity to do better, but it just wasn't for me. At all. It's fascinating to hear from people who really took the whole academic experience to heart and poured everything into it. I hope all your hard work pays off regardless. Best of luck!
I remember how my classmates used to go out as groups and have fun, while i was studying at home
Shout out to all the former goldens watching their life fall to pieces as the breakdown intensifies. Woo! 🎉🌟
iFauxPas I’m currently in the middle of what can only be described as an utter breakdown; my life is gone and I had no idea why... until I just watched this. This is crazy.
ive only found out about this, and finally got to understand the weird emptiness i get in my gut growing up, despite all the talents and intellect ive accumulated. I'm supposed to be applying for jobs now, but i'm paralyzed and afraid of the failures that are to come. especially disappointing all those that had high expectations of me. And worried that possibly my parents that ive come to understand their goal with me - that I was just their investment
I’m here..
I used to look at the ceiling and daydream.
Now I look at the ceiling to decide where I'm tying the noose someday.
Right now, I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown since I'm already doubting myself
As someone still in school, it’s a relief I found this now and can recognize it early so I can make better choices and decisions in the future
I didn't know that there was a word for this kind of thing. I didn't know it was a struggle. I thought it was just normal. May we all finally achieve that liberty from all the unwanted frustrations dumped upon us during our childhood. Keep fighting!
“do you know who i am!?”
“...because i don’t.”
Ayy same profile picture.
Blue Katara excellent taste you have there
Yay
@@almiyawaki1188 ooh your pfp is very beautiful too
@@almiyawaki1188 Ooh! Another of our own!
The "gifted child" is every Asians' neighbor's child.
MHMMM
Agree
In my case, i am the neighbor's child. And also, not the one.
True.
I am the neighbor child lmao
I hate it when people say "I believe in you", It's a huge pressure for me cuz I KNOW I'm not capable of what they expect
The whole golden child syndrome really sounds narcissistic to most people. I didn’t even realize this was a legit serious issue and thought I was a narcissist for being upset over being smart, but no, it’s a legit problem. People really do need education on these things instead-
I love this video. Its hit this hollow feeling I've had squarely on the head.
"To be accepted and loved for who I am, rather than who I will become"
Sadly I'm still trapped in my endless cycle of trying to fulfill expectations.
good luck !
there is help for you! please seek professional help. you're not defined by someone who didn't know how to love you properly
Full fill expectations it's kind of what life it's about. Tha question is, if those expectations are what you want or what you think you want, and if those expectations make you happy.
I can actually relate to this comment. I spent so much time trying to please everyone else that I didn't consider what I wanted. I got good grades because that's what made everyone happy. I just wanted to have OK grades, but that's kind of impossible with the parents I have. It's too late to stop because people already expect me to do good. I don't even know why I do good because in general, my memory is CRAP and I generally can't properly concentrate while revising unless I'm under pressure. Now I have so much work due and I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing burnouts (I have nearly all the symptoms).
Sorry for this rant!
Me too.. I'm a medical doctor, still not enough.. there is always something more :/
i actually began to cry when watching this, because everything stated felt so familiar. it's such a relief to see the problems stemming from being constantly seen as "the golden child" be recognized. my heart feels lighter and i am truly comforted with what was discussed in the video. thank you, school of life
Omg I didn't expect to see you here Coley! I love your videos!!
Love your vids
I was thinking the same thing ! The problem for me is not coming from my parents but from teachers when I was in scool and more recently from bosses or coworkers. As I "look good" and speak properly and have a constructed opinion, people have stopped reading my file or my resume. I guess it is fine to want to make your own opinion about people you are gonna teach to or hire or work with. But please, if you see that your expectations were too high, please don't be rude on them for not keeping promesses they never made...
It had been like this for me for maybe the past 9 years : at fist people think that I am gonna be their star and the solution to all of their problems cause I just give a different impression from most people. The truth is : I am just average and I am tired to pay for other people's own missjudgment and, therefore, disappointment...
It feels good just to write it
i'm with you here
I grant you this *empathetic comment*
i'm at a point where i don't know who i'd be if i didn't get good grades.
5 minutes to break a man. Shit got me sobbing
The "Golden child" reality quickly breaks down once you enter college..
It's just anxiety, depression, and a morbid sense of not being good enough for the world. It takes so much understanding to get yourself out of that hole
Edit: been a while, and damn that's some responses. Keep moving forward my dudes, we'll get through this
Thanks for summing up what I felt then when I dropped out. I thought I was just a whole sack of sad, inedible potatoes. Fortunately, I am in a better headspace now but I am glad I finally know what is "wrong" with me and will try to mend it. Have a great day. :)
Kyle Matthews so true I feel like a loser cuz I can’t pass this one module
Kyle Matthews I hate college and school in general so much people always expect too much from you and stresses people out
Also happens when you enter high school, already wanna leave so that i wont have to feel that way anymore
College? Try high school lmao
After a while, none of the praise feels real. Even when it comes from strangers.
Sorry to say, that's bcuz most of them arent. You should be able to 'feel the real' so-to-speak, when it happens. So many ppl are fake that it tends to blur the lines, but 'real recognizes real', so you'll know when it comes along. There will be a difference vs. just a non original robotic response u get from every1.
People keep telling me to just stop being humble and just take the damn compliments. I just understand today why I feel that way. that's messed up.
I always see it as "Am **I** satisfied with my work?"
Yes then accept the praise.
No; look foor the flaws.
I find its the no more often.
So true
I feel like some children are born with very intelligent minds and extraordinary abilities BUT they are not nurtured.
If person is born with great athletic gifts for instance, with a bright future in sports, but there is no training or nurturing, they won’t get anywhere in sports.
I can see loads of people in the comment section saying they were smart as children but fell off.
Speaking as someone who had a similar experience but thankfully picked back up before it was too late, I’ll say parents and care givers just expect the smart child to continue to pick things up so fast and just know it. This puts so much pressure on the child.
It doesn’t work like that a lot of attention, patience, nurturing and teaching of the mind has to go into the child in order for that mind and intelligence to be sharpened continually.
Many parents and care gives maybe do not know or are lazy. They just assume that the child became lazy or unserious. This happened to me.
I was very bright as a child I started reading at age 2, I would get all the gifts in my class I had 2 after school tutors. We moved houses and schools plus my half siblings came to stay with us (traumatic years with them), my academics and abilities took a nose dive! I would still pass with a B or C but I was dull and I honestly had no idea how I got those “good” grades. I guess it was just some sort of auto pilot intelligence or my classmates were just dumb.
This got worse progressively over a period of 8 years (there was a year in between that my Mum studied with me for my final exams and I was amongst the best that year). Anyway my worst result ever was the one I had in my 3rd year of secondary school (high school). It was a National exam and out of 15 subjects I didn’t pass any!
Afterward my Parents took me for proper evaluation and tutoring that summer, and that was the beginning of my return. Although slowly cos it took a while for me to grasp things again and I would forget easily. I was made to learn how to put in the extra effort and concentrate. My mind was so dull and blank at that point, that it Would take hours plus daily refreshers to know and assimilate one thing.
It took about 10 years after that “kick start summer” for my mind to return to what it used to be.
The intelligence was always there, but not nurtured. Once that stimulation and nurturing stops or isn’t available, it’s only a downward spiral from there and takes much more effort to re gain. People just think an intelligent child will be easy, so they pay no attention and expect the best constantly.
Children who weren’t so “intelligent” and that extra effort had to be made earlier on, suddenly catch up and surpass the so called gifted ones.
Many people didn’t fall off and become dull, their gifts weren’t nurtured
"That a life does not need to be golden to be valuable."
"That life does not need to be golden in order to be valuable." So true.
yes very true but saying that to most people is usually not well receieved it is all about sucess materialism so this video is calling out what hardly if ever is mentiioned every now and then will come across who is free from that the only people worth being around others so often judge upon appaearnce achievment etc
If there’s anything I’ve learned from these vids, it’s that just telling and teaching your kid the truth is most important
Next video title- "The dilemna of the completely honest parent"
Nick Al good one lol
"Jesus fucking christ mallissa, that piece of art work is shit"
@@oliviagarden9460 lol
I had that! She now begs me not to be honest with her. She says it's cruel.
Damn, this speaks to me. When I was a child I loved to learn, I wanted to learn so much, I learned to read when I was like 2 because everybody was tired of reading books to me. Then I got to school and was super happy, because school means learning! And through the first 6 years, I literally was the best kid in class by far. But then more people who got their life together and were studying weekly came up. My talent alone couldn't compete, but I never learned to study. My frustration grew and it made me a weak person, who cries when I don't get an A. And today, I don't know what I want or who I am. The expectations broke me. I internalized the need to be the best and blamed it on my parents. Now I don't know how I'll get to the university I want. I'm trying to heal myself, but it's a slow process, and not seeing results quickly wears me down. I definitely need help
I'm so sorry, hope you're doing well now. I watch "Brendon Urie cute moments" everytime i feel low. Wish we had a person like him in our lives
"A prodigy at five, extraordinary at 10, smart at 15 and a common man by 20." - Some old dude
I had this as a child. In my 40s I have finally liberated myself
That's great! Keep on working on yourself and your mindset.
Good job Man
I am 30 and I was a golden boy too. My life is pretty miserable even if I have success. I feel a shame and no deserving the good things I accomplish, no matter if I work extremely hard to have it. Never is in my standard.
Good job man. I'm on my way to be liberated but it's hard to hammer down the feeling
Iron and Steel is more useful than gold and sliver.
I feel like my parents overestimate how smart I am because I was smart in primary school but now they think I'm not trying because I get average grades and I can't help but feel like I'm going to dissapoint them.
Same, except that my parents are not the ones who overestimate me (not that I know of), it's me.
Same. I feel this all the time. Sometimes it feels like I'm pushing hard only for them and not for myself. They expect good things from me, and I just feel like I'm a disappointment.
I've been slowly getting out of that phase thanks to my sister, but a little bit of it is still there. I just wanna make them proud man, they love me a lot, its just they want me to be among the best and sometimes I feel like what I do is not enough because I procrastinate out of underconfidence.
I used to be in the top rank upto 5th grade, then it all went downhill when I changed schools, there have been times when I've done better, but my dad is always like "great now lets look forward to being 1st next time" and then my grades just...drop again. What he said wasn't wrong, I mean I proved that I can do it so probably I can do better and he's just inspiring me but...it still puts a reasonable amount of pressure on me. At one point I broke and said I didn't wanma be 1st and then everybody in my family looked at me like I was the biggest mule.
Eventually I just decided I'll study hard again, only so I can set my life straight. I finally have huge dreams with what I wanna do with my life (of which 17 years went in confusion of what I even wanna be in the future) Now that I have a goal I want to head to it no matter what because I _need_ it to work. My entire life is riding on this, and so I managed to convince myself yo try harder for myself now. I only hope that I can achieve it.
@@mcbedo6568 that's a long ass paragraph
@@redfrostgaming4056 yeah pretty much
@@eeveeofalltrades4780 That's how it is with me!
I grew up being the “golden child” in a family with 6 other daughters. I grew up with enormous pressure to hold up to the standards of being the “favorite” which always included going above and beyond to please my parents and make them happy. It wasn’t even so much as doing well in school (even though it did affect that aspect in my life as well) as being the “skinny pretty daughter” and the “sweet one” and above of, the daughter who helped my mom raise the younger girls. I was, and still am at 26 years old, in a constant competition with my other sisters to fulfill the role as golden child. Any stray from giving in to my parents has resulted in immense guilt and being ostracized from family. Simply put, if I am not helping my mom with caring for my younger sisters she will never reach out to me or ask how I am doing. As an adult, I have a constant urge to be the “best” and to be everyone’s “favorite” that I have never had a healthy relationship. I do not know how to put my own needs first (or even what they look like for that matter). I want to fix everyone, please everyone, and most of my confidence has been attached to being a sexual object. This combination has made me subject to abuse, bad choices, and the emptiness I feel of longing for someone to love me for me. It’s made me successful in work, but once I master the job and make it to the top I become extremely bored and feel lack of purpose. GOLDEN CHILD SYNDROME IS REAL, PERIOD. And it is so much more than being “loved too much” - it’s manipulation put on you by your parents at a young age to boost their egos so they feel as if they did a good job in parenting. At least that’s how it was for me.
This was life changing, thank you, the guilt and anxiety of having a happy childhood but never living up to a great destiny has taken joy out of my adult life too many times
This is so accurate. I don’t feel like a valid human being anymore when I don’t get a really good grade on my test. It’s so terrible and I just don’t know what to do.
I failed one exam in med school, it's 8 years ago now, my family still talks about it from time to time.. You are a valid human being, look for fun and love in your life, not approval. You will thrive in the field you really like 😉
Lol I failed a medschool exam too recently, never felt so bad in my entire life and everyone is disappointed
Same...
The testing process comes to an end eventually ...thankfully
Learn for yourself not for their tests. And wouldn’t you say that everyone else is valid just how they are? Extend that grace to yourself.
"Praise of someone who doest deserve to be praised is actually an insult." ~Srimad Bhagavatam (ancient Vedic scripture)
LifeExamined108 Entirely subjective.
LifeExamined108 : True. Because you are praising a lie:)
Not my parents, but my aunts would sometimes say to me "you're so intelligent and creative!" when the only time we see each other is for family dinners... Nothing about eating screams intelligent and creative, and it just proves they know nothing about me yet pretend to and it bugs me even though I know they meant well.
OMG!!! This explains my sons mental illness. I placed too many expectations on him. I'm so happy I have a name for this. Thank You So Much
Such a great video thank you so much. Being the golden child of a narcissistic mum and neglectful selfish dad it is helping me a lot!
I feel you. Sends hugs ~ ♥️
"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can just be good."
-John Steinbeck
Wow. Stopped me in my tracks. I’ll carry this with me I hope. Opened a floodgate of tears. What book is this from? Thank you so much!
My sister and I both suffered under this style of parenting. I'm a writer, while my sister is an artist. If I write something decent, Mom couldn't just say it was good. No, it was good enough to be the next Pulitzer! If my sister painted something, it wasn't just beautiful. No, it was good enough to hang in the Louvre! We always referred to these as empty compliments, as they were clearly over the top and extremely untrue, which left us feeling depressed. We had no way to accurately judge our work. It might be good, but it definitely wasn't Top Shelf, so maybe it wasn't as good as we thought it was. We are in our 40s and to this day we still struggle:
-to understand where we actually fit in;
-to realize our own self worth;
-to feel satisfied that we are enough;
-to be accepted by our peers;
-to believe compliments;
-to think anything we do or say is valid.
The struggle is very real. I still write, and self evaluation of my work leaves me depressed. I know it's not good enough to win any prizes. I'm fine with that. But is it at least somewhat GOOD? My sister still creates art, and she doesn't believe me when I tell her it's good enough to sell on Etsy. We simply cannot recognize our own abilities.
Andi-Roo .at. TheWorldForRealz i wanna be a writer when i grow up! and even if your books might not be top shelf, id love to read them!
The one and only, Xefros Tritoh! -- awww, that's so kind of you to say! Thanks for putting a smile on my face, friend!
Andi-Roo .at. TheWorldForRealz its no problem! sorry for the late response, i was at school!
I feel just like you :/ It gets annoying and then I get depressed... Any ideias how to overcome this struggle?
I would like to see some of your sister's and your work so I could criticise. I have a habit of self monolougue and almost criticise, judge or examine everything I see
Shout out to the golden children who were also emotionally and/or physically abused! We're valid and we're enough as is. 🙌💗
Yes we are!❤
I was considered a golden child but ended up in depression and suicidal in my younger years because I couldnt live up to my mother's expectations and high living requirements. While she was the typical tyrant controlling mother, she ignored my younger sister often throughout the years. In the end, her bipolarity, love of money, and tyranny ended me kicked out and picked up by my uncle while she focused on my sister. My sister hoped to get the love and attention she needed all those years and I grew up to be OK; my sister and I can't be together in the same room for long but we get along best we can. There are resentments and strive between the two of us due to my mother to this day.
people still seem to treat me like a golden child, when deep down i already know that im trash who has a hard time accepting failure.
Ily, stay up bossss
yena sweetie u r not trash 🧚🏻♀️
I feel you bruh
Dont be sad we are all facing it
@@shogun9450 ugh ify :
the animation in this one is awesome. i love how this channel uses different forms in every video.
Ikr!!!! I hate a stagnant feel.
The animations on this channel are very interesting. I tend to focus on the animations and lose focus on the words
Is your pic from Weightlifting Fairy?!?! 😂❤️
@@excuseme1543 yes 😂
sui genereis hell yeah
me, here for research for a fanfic: woah, interestinggg-!
also me: ..i relate to this really hard
(Sorry in advance if any of what I’m saying is grammatically wrong, English isn’t my first language)
But this video hit me so hard.
I realised so many things about myself and my parents. I’ve always been that “golden gifted child” since my youngest age.
They made me take some test that came out very good and put me in the “high intellectual coefficient” category of children.
I then skip a class and went to the upper grade right away since it was all too easy for me and I was “losing my time”..
I then lost most of my friends and started to stay alone.
I’ve been under that pressure of needing to be the first in class for so long. I was never allowed to be good enough, I had to be perfect.
I held it till I turned 15-16 but then I literally gave up. I started failing all my classes and being depressed completely empty.
I always felt like I wasn’t really belonging to any friends group.
I hated high school and everyone there.
Everyone that were once struggling but just knew how to study so they managed to catch up.
I was just there left with nothing, I’ve never learned how to study or how to set my own expectations for myself.
My family was constantly so embarrassed and ashamed of me since then.
You know those family friends with their questions “how’s your daughter going in school what are her plans for college ??”
.. everytime my parents were asking these kinds of questions I could see their faces decomposed, so ashamed of their once so great and smart daughter yet now failing and anti social
It felt like someone strangling me every time
I couldn’t hold the shame
I had absolutely no motivation to do anything and would spend most of my days in my room alone.
After high school I entered in a random collage (french system is different it was almost free and basically no selection)
Of course I did that to please my parents at least a bit
But I had developed huge social anxiety and school phobia the last 2 years of high school and university didn’t help it
I was going out of all of my classes from panick attacks
I then stopped going to uni and waited till the end of the year to let my family know.
I’m now 21 and I graduated high school 4 years ago...
I’m still unable to really learn and feel fine about anything that has to do with education and learning
I have anxiety and feel empty most of times
I lost interest in everything I used to live growing up (piano, guitar, dancing...)
I tried travelling abroad alone to help me learn things by myself, maybe help me finding who I was and who I wanted to be without my parents opinion
But it’s still very hard and I just feel completely stuck and lost
All my friends are moving on with their lifes, graduating colleges and getting master degrees, while I’m here completely unable to move and find interest in any major.
My friends are getting distant all together in the working life
It probably doesn’t match with the failure I am.
I still hear my mother’s voice telling me that I have to do better and better and that I’d graduate medical school and become a doctor like her
it has never been what I wanted but I also never had space to think about what I wanted for myself.
I experienced this growing up. I'm finally over my irrational fear of failing and potentially revealing I'm not as smart as my family claims. I'm 29 and finally going back to school on my own terms not for anyone else. The key for me was to finally have that breakdown. The acceptance of reality and living realistically. I don't blame anyone, but it helps to understand my path. Like a roadmap. The truck is finding the right map.
Michael Alker I'll reply later. At work. Happy for you.
Michael Alker If you don't mind sharing, could you please tell me when and how that breakdown occurred and what led you to "find" that path? I ask because I'm going through something similar and feel like I may be close to that breakdown.
erubin100 are you getting help friend?
Same here, all my success when I was little was kinda "forced". After growing up, I gave a lot more failure and unable to processed without supervision. I am still struggling to
i never got praised so i'm probably the very opposite of you. I hate proving my knowledge to others which creates problems in school.
Probably because i don't care what they think and that the only thing that matters is my own thoughts.
Any of my other fellow golden children regret showing their parents that they excelled in something? I've always been good in academics, and now, unless I get A grades, I'm not good enough. If I can't dance better than the other girls, I'm not good enough. Warning to any smol beans watching who haven't shown it yet... There's nothing wrong with being smart, but... Be careful what expectations you set for yourself. I set the bar really high at a young age, and now I'm stuck barely holding onto it.
Additionally: Long story short, the grades you get in first grade actually can affect your life in the way of Golden Child Syndrome. If your parents see you as special because you finished all of Percy Jackson in 1st grade, and raise you saying how smart you are even as it becomes difficult to maintain that level of "smart"... It's gonna mess you up.
same here
i’ve never related to something more,
if it’s not 100% it isn’t valued and if it’s not within 5% leverage of that it’s disappointing, especially if there are other students within similar proximity in literally anything
Holding on? Sometimes I glance up at it. Gets further away every time.
I always feel depressed and I self harm myself
I play the piano, trumpet, violin and i can play the guitar and the drums a little, so they decided i was gonna be a musician, that i had talent, that i needed to take classes and go to the auditorium, etc. I didn't liked it, just as a hobby, it destroyed music for me, i don't even like to hear it anymore, neither play it, i used to sing a lot and everyone told me i had a nice voice, but when they got me on a LOT of activities i started to hate singing and performing in general. Same happened with various hobbies, i was good at skating and they started to make it a career, i got tired and now i don't do anything at all, i dropped school and i don't do any of my hobbies anymore, i take a lot of medication and i just go out for group therapy and to see my psychologist.
While it’s important not to let the past bog you down, it IS important to recognise trauma that occurred so you can heal from it, and these videos are a great help xx
Not me sitting here being told that I’m smart and a hard worker while I failed two (or more) tests and I can’t do my homework for longer than 5 minutes before I take a 1 hour break
It's scary because my parents have literally been calling me "the golden child" in our family for a while now. I actually teared up while watching this because I'm tired of having to constantly explain why I've gone from being an overachiever in my younger years to a failure in high school when I couldn't even understand what I was going through myself. Now I do.
How are you now?
I'm asking partly because I'm going through the exact same thing right now and...yeah, you already know it doesn't feel great.
Just leave golden child title, its give you a burden and fill it other expectation
@@raychances6251 I managed to pull myself through the rest of high school and am now headed off to college. It's still a challenge not to compare myself to everyone else because when I do that, I just feel hopeless and like I'm going to fail at something when I haven't even tried it yet.
I'm sorry that you're going through the same thing. It doesn't seem like a problem because it's not like you were told that you weren't good enough. It was the opposite...that is, until you got older and realized you weren't as exceptional as you were made to believe. I suggest looking into fixed and growth mindsets and trying not to measure your self-worth by what others think of you. Take control of your own life and find out what you want. Seek to become your best self (whatever that looks like to you) and not the identity people expect you to have. :)
You hit the nail on the head. Everyone always complains about how hard it is to be the Black Sheep of the family, but no one seems to understand how equally hard it is to be the Golden Child and have to carry the burdens of the entire family and never know who you are when you grow up because every effort to assert or express your true self was punished or replaced with something your parent(s) preferred you wear/say/think/act/do. The pressure to be perfect and be an overachiever is crushing. Having your childhood stolen by an over-scheduling of too many extracurricular activities or to have your sense of self shatter at the tiniest mistake. To this day my mother still hyperidealizes me and tells me with tears of joy in her eyes how perfect I am, how I'm the best at everything -- and it couldn't be further from the truth. It hurts to know she's talking to the 'me' in her head, not the real me. She doesn't know who I am and never did. She was too busy trying to live life through me to ever bother to get to know me.
What you said really hit where it hurts.
It was like she was in love with the idea of me rather than me.
Mila Totally! Different experience but thats how I feel about my dad. He doesn't know me at all really but it doesn't matter at this point.
i needed this. thank you
I am so happy that I stumbled on this video, I grew up with “golden child expectations” from everyone even though I was the middle child of 7 .I ended up depressed, having extreme anxiety, and deep insecurities. If I got a score that I didn’t see as advanced, I’d cry every time I thought of it. I still beat myself up as an adult, but I have grown a lot seen adolescence.
I realize that I have such high expectations for my 3 year old daughter, getting her into foreign language courses, bragging about how she reads, writes, etc. I recognize how my extended family and I excessively adore her, to us, she is gifted beyond measure and people even use my daughter as reference to their standards…
I am unconsciously passing on the “Golden Child” pathology! Thanks to awareness, I will not do this to my offspring anymore.
To all the "perfect" golden children who "failed":
Advice: Go back to the field. Don't waste time, and don't let your fears stop you. Yolo, no matter what the outcome is, just go do it. If u fail, at least u fail with pride.
And you can always try again and again. There is no limit to trying until you win.
This brought a strange smile to my face, thank you
That kinda made me cry & smile at the same time, thanks ❤️
Thank you, I needed to hear that.❤️
Hakuna Matata
Did you just say yolo?
Since everyone else is talking about being a “gifted” kid, I’m going to join in. I was in a school in a poorer area of my state where they couldn’t afford a gifted program. But my teachers always ALWAYS said, “She’s so smart, she’ll cure cancer.” .. “She’s so smart, unlike the other kids.” My mom tells me every day how lucky I am to be smart AND pretty. But the more she said it the less I felt like either of them. We moved to an area that did have a gifted program in third grade. It wasn’t long before that teacher was telling me how smart I was and that I should start testing to see if I could go to gifted classes. *Wow, I passed, thanks I guess.* The gifted teacher was a mean know-it all and so were the people that had been there longer than me. When I came back in fourth grade, that teacher had been replaced and I was suddenly an equal. And every now and then I swear I picked up on subtle hints that I maybe was smarter. The teacher seemed to talk to my mom longer after conferences. I could be wrong but that subtle little diference just SHOT my expectations through the roof. Two more people joined and also got labeled as “gifted” and that just made me feel less special. I didn’t even know if I wanted to be special but if these people could get in easily too, then maybe I wasn’t the genius to solve cancer. It might be one of these guys. In sixth grade, I got my first B. I was scared to give the report card to my mom. *Maybe I’ll change my name.* but then I decided a B wasn’t that bad. A lot of people I knew were getting C’s or D’s. Heck, some were failing. What’s a B going to hurt? But I got home and my mom was silent when she read the overall B from English. When she did speak it was something like: “Someone as smart as you shouldn’t be getting a B. I know you’re smarter than that. Do I need to take your phone away?” That’s all. Just a vent/complaint. Thanks for reading.
Edit: Thanks for being so positive in the replies! I’m sorry you guys can relate but now I feel comfortable enough to say that I’d often tell myself “My parents deserve a better kid.” If you have tell yourself that at ALL, I want you to know it’s 100% the other way around. I think you deserve better parents. In fact, I’m adopting all of you
That’s sort of how I feel like parents keep telling me how amazing I am but now it just feels weird but they’re supportive of however I do as long as I try.
I enjoyed reading your comment. I was in a situation pretty similar but very different at the same time... so I think I can understand (or at least imagine) how hard it could be to experience all this.
I don't know how old you are now, and how do you feel about what you told us, but I want to say something to you and other people who might read my comment and going trough the same kind of situation in their life.
Being smart, being the one who will cure cancer, basically being a genius can be very satisfying or rewarding. However, I think (and I must not be the only one) that it is not bad or anything if you are not "the one who is special" among his entourage. It is all the better if you are the one who brings joy and happiness, doing kind and right thing. It's enough to be you and with each failure you'll learn and grow better. Personnally I lived something similar and seeing I was not so special, not so smart, not so etc... I fell into a little depression. My life had no sense for me. When I began to live for myself, not for the expectations of others, it freed me. I didn't have too many regrets all the time and I could do what I *really* love.
Anyway, long story short, a really special person doesn’t have to be the one who’s so smart that nobody understands it. it can "simply" be someone who awakens kindness in the hearts of others.
You have my support 👍
Anyone reading this, I wish you a great and beautiful day/night ^^
I remember I got my first B in middle school. I had all straight A+'s in 6th grade. I made a "contract" with my parents at that time if I got all A's in 6th, I would get a phone in 7th. Well since I did so well in 6th, I was put in an accelerated math for 7th and in the second quarter I got a B. Now to get to that B was the hardest thing I had done at that time with my classmates bullying me. Some even said when I asked them for help if I really deserved to be in that class. It was awful and I felt so stupid. Instead my mom threatened to take my phone away, it wasn't that I was close to my phone, but that she was punishing me for all the hard work I had put even though she didn't know about the bullying. Now later on and some therapy later, she refuses to acknowledge that what she said hurt me, and only did it to help me push better. I would say that mentally and emotionally, it did not.
@@trishab5815 You completly have my support. I don't even know what else to tell you. If your mother is always right, it means you can't have a real discussion with her...
Do you still talk to her ? Often ?
@@HaydenNK3 Yeah, since I'm only 15. Our relationship got a little bit better, but we just don't talk about what happened because the last time we did we had an argument.
As a gifted child just reaching the age where everyone else is catching up to me, I am extremely grateful for friends who actually learned to study when it wasn't crucial, and can help me do the same as I start to need it.