The Dangers of the Good Child
Вставка
- Опубліковано 28 тра 2017
- Good children don’t cause problems; they always do what others expect. They seem to be on track. But there are real problems with people who never have a chance to be a little bad.
Enjoying our UA-cam videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: t.ly/pbaML
Be more mindful, present and inspired. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: t.ly/E0juu
FURTHER READING
“They do their homework on time; their writing is neat; they keep their bedroom tidy; they are often a little shy; they want to help their parents; they use their brakes when cycling down a hill.
Because they don’t pose many immediate problems, we tend to assume all is well with good children. They aren’t the target for particular concern; that goes to the kids who are graffitiing the underpass. People imagine the good children are fine; because they do everything that’s expected of them...”
You can read more on this and other subjects here: goo.gl/LDyqzB
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Watch more films on SELF in our playlist:
bit.ly/TSOLself
SOCIAL MEDIA
Feel free to follow us at the links below:
Facebook: / theschooloflifelondon
X: / theschooloflife
Instagram: / theschooloflifelondon
CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Alex Morris
vimeo.com/user880140 #TheSchoolOfLife
When you think you're a good person but you will actually fail at life because you've been nice and made what they expected you to do the whole time.
GHz II this is the frightening representation of my future.
GHz II the concept actually scares me. I'm already seeing it start to take place
Δημήτρης Χαφακιας you're not alone.
GHz II I broke that grip last year, now I do what I want to do.
SHIVAM PATEL how did you do it?
I was a good child, until I got older and started to realize people don't really care how good you are.
Wow your words are amazing
True. They expect you to give them something rather than integrity
You're weak for letting that get to you.
So true
Exactly
The moment you got in trouble whatsoever at school you fell into a spiral of anxiety
Elizabeth Porter tell me about it small problems seems to us as the end of the f***g world
Exactly! I once almost had a full blown anxiety attack because I wasn't going to be able to turn in an assignment on time. I hated missing school for anything, even if I was really sick, for fear that I would miss doing an assignment that would make my grade drop.
Also when I get homework from them
No I just leave my mind once I have become used to the hateful voices in my head but when I get in trubol they are no longer just on the inside, and them being on the outside only amplifies the voices on the inside. This usually causes me to just up and go i feel empty and like I don't exist but at least I'm not curled up in a ball crying and punching myself
I feel for what you said too much, now I'm anxious
"They do their homework"
Yep.
"Their handwriting is neat"
No, that's where we diverge.
😂 Mine is terrible
Same 😅😅
Same 😂😭
True. My parents always said "Your handwriting is as bad as a doctor's. Are you going to be a doctor or something?" and I was like "Not really, I just don't want to spend extra time making it better."
Same. Mine is aweful that I prefer typing than handwriting 😄
"Their goodness is a necessity rather than a choice" - fuck that hit hard :(
Hi, Tell me about it! Thanks.
NEY Industries yup
This is Carl Jungs idea I believe: you can only be good if you experience your inner monster, yet choose not to unleash it
I just want to say, your comment moved me. Thank you for sharing.
Jarin Hossain Oh man, i feel ya. The germans have a proverb: once your reputation is destroyed, you can live with ease.
I kinda hope that happens to me one day.
One more thing.: WE DONT SHARE OUR THOUGHTS!
it was mentioned
Where is your profile picture from
You just did
@@susuilu It was, but it most certainly wasn't highlighted as much as it needed to be
i might be late on the train but why didn't you or anybody else share it, do you feel better if you share it?
Praised as a kid for being well behaved, being told as an adult that I'm too quiet :(
Same
Same
Same
As my local cab drivers gave said, especially in Edmonton AB, Canada, parents set up their kids for failure by not allowing them to BE MISBEHAVING KIDS! Also dads need to step up and be subservient to their wives, not like 50s parents where dad has final say. Teachers as well are not excusable either. Yes kids should be able to participate in activities, but should be given an option of submitting some to half of assignments without need of a partner or presenting in front of class
righthandstep5 “parents are setting up there kids for failure by not allowing them to BE MISBEHAVING KIDS!” So you think if a child cheats on tests,steals,has no respect for anyone,acts rude, and bratty,and always causing trouble is going to be successful?Nope.You need some amount of discipline in oder to be successful.And i’m saying this as someone who...isn’t the best kid in the world to say the least,but at least i know when to act serious and act like a good person.What you’re mean is freedom,a child needs some amount of freedom in there lives,they can’t be controlled to be perfect 24/7,they can’t be strictly controlled all the time.
"Thanks for doing everything we expected of you, enjoy your life of suffering in bland mediocrity!"
That’s literally what the whole message is about. Break out of society’s chains. Embrace your bad sides and use them to your advantage. Do not feel bad for doing so, even if you fail. You will soon get your life back together and get the right people into your live. You will dominate everyone else.
Amund Agmund 2 gears ago i was (the good child) i was accepting everything they did and doing whatever they told me i had nothing im abit interested in biology and astronomy i really wanted a telescope and a microscope even if they were cheap ones but i didnt even have toys to play with the only thing i had was watching tv which was also limited since they were deleting the channels i liked and studying now im concidered the bad child i have a laptop worth 1000$ and monthly internet no one is talking back to me i ignore my father and everyone needs my help with technical stuff the bad child may not do what they are expected to do but atleast they are respected
this hit hard
@@mism847 leave the family that keeps on putting you down and in a "normal" state of living
_Welcome to The Medium Place_
I lost my teens to this. I haven’t actually LIVED.
Yep same i think I don’t even know.
Your parents are guilty, not you. Don’t forget that.
I my teens to this too. And my 20s! And I am 41! Now that we know better, we need to go our own way and break some rules.
If you have life this is the moment
I also lost my teenager years not living. I was too much paranoid for that.
This got me. All my life I've tried to please others. The authority. The teachers. The parents. And so, whenever I make a mistake, it's like the world has shattered. I feel like I no longer deserve love. :/
I hear you. It seems there's a pattern that people pleasers are terrified of making mistakes.
I know the feeling.
damn
Same here, but you know who doesn't deserve love, people who use us good people for their advantage no matter what.
I felt the same thing but my brother was the favorite so i felt i had to be perfect because my brother was not
I used to be a 'nice child' to my parents.
Now I'm a 'nice patient' to my psychiatrist.
🙃
so you don't tell the psychiatrist how you really feel?
@@ahgaseforever9170 alot of these comments are cringe they still dont know what the meaning of life is theres a pull until you have humility and break but all of this about "ive suffered all my life" yeah I know I have a sob story too you know start looking at the good no matter what happened to you you'll turn out better than those who only think playing video games is and money is all that matters.
GOD, YES, I DEFINETELY DID THAT UNTIL MY THERAPIST REALIZED WHAT I WAS DOING
My therapist just kind of let me, and I felt like I was wasting money doing that, so I just quit.
I thought I was alone. But seeing the comment section, it makes me both sad and happy.
yeah it makes me feel at home where we all have a silent understanding of how we feel
@@das8320 Exactly! A silent Understanding.
🤗
Divyanshu Chowdhary
All Rounds 😊
My parents made me a good child , now I dont know who I am or what I want anymore :/
it's called being a puppet, we only know how to live through others, I have a weird sense of loyalty, that I lost, but still have selflessness
Freaking accurate in three lines
My parents raised me saying friendships and romantic relationship are poisonous to one's life, they even made my career choice , now I am 28 stuck with a job and has nothing else , couldn't believe anyone or anything completely ,cannot even trust my own decision or to say unable to stand grounded , am just trying to understand how to live life through google 😅
I have the same feeling
jane ranjana currently breaking out of this behavior. It’s toooouuuugh but it feels so good.
Same
Don't push good people over the edge, you might end up creating a monster.
"All wise men fear... the anger of a gentle man."
That is very right. The only way they can pull off being good all the time is by bottling their anger. So the result of making them too angry would be a pressure bomb exploding for sure.
GamingGen this is true
GamingGen yup!!!!
I wish more people knew this.
"The sickness of the good child is they have no experience of other people being able to tolerate
their badness. They have missed out a vital privilege accorded to the healthy child, that of being able to display envious, greedy, egomaniacal sides and yet be tolerated and loved never the less."
This described me exactly, my jaw dropped. Everything in this video matches what I have been my whole life.
Axel, lots of things depend on situations, locations, living in different cultures. I remember switching between cultures, schools, etc. Parents used to me doing well in a good school, getting good grades always, and teachers, always telling me I could do better. But learning to adapt, actually getting into fights with idiotic immature boys, so they would leave me alone, worked for me in school. Even with controlling parents, I somehow managed this. But I can't really apply my own experience to other kids today. Btw, I don't even know how this old video ended up on my feed.
Same here. Thanks for sharing. :)
Woah, so true. Especially for the oldest of multiple siblings. It was always expected that we help raise the younger ones, and keep good grades in school, and be a devoted Christian, and 24/7 set a good example for the others. All the while, the younger ones were given so much more freedom and their behavior was always shrugged off. Ugh, I don't resent my younger siblings, I just long for the childhoods that they were allowed to enjoy without so much oppression.
@@brandiebraxton4232 Yes this is exactly what I went through during my childhood. Things like this does take a major toll on your well-being and shapes your adult life. Recognizing it is a great first step in healing from it.
Me too, it was just bang and I got emotional. My former best friend once had to convince me that our friends would like me even if I didn't get perfect grades.
"""Blissful""" childhood ignorance and niceness only got me manipulated, bullied, and walked over by other kids.
for me too brother
I know right? Same here
Same
Same for me. How do you heal from that ?
Kids would stir me up until I chased them because they thought it was fun and I could never catch up. Soon I wasn't even chasing them because I was mad, I was chasing them because it pleased them and helped them have fun. Most miserable and lonely time of my life.
Being the "good" child meant my parents left me on autopilot when it came to education and I basically crashed and burned. It wasn't until then that they took notice
Story of my life ...
My parents expected me to do my best especially when I was younger as I was and they now wonder why I don't feel motivated to do great in school
My parents are taking charge now because my plane is falling
Then will blame me for it, and treat me like a disappointment with two legs
Me2
You forgot one
A lack of personal wants and desires.
I have been a good boy my entire life and pretty much everything you say is true or I could relate to. But you're forgetting the most devastating one. When I was younger I learned that life wasn't fair and to accept it, so every time I would ask for something I would rarely get it or when arguing. I would build up entire cases against my siblings just to get punished for doing nothing while being told life wasn't fair. Same as I started going to friends birthdays and seeing how much better theirs was and when I asked for similar the answer was always "sorry buddy but we can't do that" to which I'd reply "that's not fair ..... go to do it" and the famous "life isn't fair was quoted once more. This made me believe that my wants and needs didn't matter nor did fairness. I learned that I hated that feeling so I set to make it to where no one else would have it. So I became a people pleaser, and I gained joy off of making people happy. All was good and dandy until one day (college) there was no one left to please, and people would ask me what I wanted to do and I would have no idea. They'd ask me what I like and I'd have no idea. When I went to make new friends they wanted to know me, but there was no one to know. I wasn't and individual I was just a helper. As I grew I became more apathetic where I just didn't care what happened. I still had a moral compass to follow but nothing ever interested me. Relationships never really developed and I became isolated and alone. All because I didn't want others to feel as if they'd been treated unfairly or that their desires didn't matter
Golden Freezer anytime doc
This is so me
I feel a lot of myself in what you're saying. I'm still that way even if I'm now deciding more often which ones are worthy of my friendliness. I saw so much bad stuff when I was young that I wanted to make everyone happy. Because if you make people happy, they want you to be happy too. A bit naive, but actually works in many places. Only issue is that people underestimate you, thinking you're stupid and without knowledge.
Loved this comment! to this day I dream of getting in fights more often than anything else I’m not a violent person I have broken up more fights than I count... when I am out and a friend gets so mad they want to get in a fight my instinct has been the causes for the fight is petty and meaningless and all would be better if it was avoided but I desperately dream that I will have something to fight for something that matters something that I can’t help but fight for
Great explanation. You now are the person who explains not being a person, at least to me. ;)
"the good child has no option", that was brilliant! I was a good child till I was lucky or smart enough to rebel against my family in my 20s, now I am the most rebellious person at work, I can stand up for myself, but the psychosomatic aspect has never gone away, neither the anxiety disorder or the post traumatic stress of being a good child inside a stifling and toxic family.
Wow, a good child in toxic family, thats crazy. Well, its just bullshit.
@@nathanjohnpalaogaming4872 The good child often has a family which appears from the outside to be a 'perfect' role model family. These good child symptoms can be caused by the fact that the child tries so hard to uphold that standard meanwhile the reality is that the family is emotionally neglectful to the child because they care so much about upholding that 'perfect' image to society. A rift is easily created between the child and the parents as the child doesn't understand anything is wrong because they are physically well kept for, too well kept for and become co-dependent which further causes them to be emotionally stunted the longer it takes for them to realise what is happening (this is why it is important to perform retrospective on oneself which children often do not do). "The good child has no option" is not a disingenuous thing to say because it is a behavior which the people the child looks up to (parents, teachers, etc. NOT friends because the parents drill it into the child that you listen to the adults only) encourage.
I'm aware how anecdotal this is, I just want you to understand that an emotionally toxic family is more easily disguised than a physically toxic family.
I have the same problem, except I don’t work, I just earn lots of money from reposting memes on Instagram. I still get some occasional anxiety attacks, but I kill them omce they pop up. Soon they’ll be dead and never rise up again.
i have a GAD too. i've also got c ptsd
True.the family and most times parent or mother is toxic and the best thing to do is rebel.My mom would tell me I am too good and to be a little wicked.
I've never commented before because I've always had this paranoia, "what if someone I know finds my comments?"
Well, I guess, I just wanna pour my heart out today. I've always been the good child. I've done or at least tried to do whatever my parents have always wanted. Sometimes, I feel like whatever I'm doing is not for myself, but for them. I could relate to this so much. Literally all of it applies on me, it was a shocker! I've always wanted to see my parents happy and when I do something that I want to do and they are not happy, it makes me really sad, to the point that I start feeling depressed.
Reading the comment section made me realise that I'm not alone. Thanks for throwing some light on this matter.
Keep up the self expression! Commenting online is a great step forward :)
I feel the exact same way! I’m a senior in college and trying to decide what I’m gonna do next has made me realize that pretty much everything I’ve done so far in life has been to make my parents happy, not myself. I have two way older brothers and I saw how every mistake they made made my parents upset, so I decided to do everything they said to I wouldn’t disappoint them. But, now my dreams are the complete opposite of their expectations of me so o have to decide if I’m gonna continue down this path or really do what I want
At some point the most freeing realization is that it is YOUR life. You only get 1 shot. Why the hell do you want people to control it? I'm nearly 30 now but let me tell you, I look back on my teens and I'm so glad I made the decision to disobey back then. For some reason instead of staying the good child, I just got angry at the idea of my parents controlling my life. That is so so unfair. So, just keep holding onto the fact that this is your 1 life, and you don't want it to be defined by others expectations of you. For reals, embrace your definition of happiness :)
Hey I know you
So relatable, even today I find it hard to comment using my personal account, and I'm a little bit paranoid someone I know might find out about my alt. Funnily enough I used to care less about what I posted when I was a kid.
But keep it up, express yourself. Their happiness shouldn't always be your responsibility.
I'm the oldest son of a conservative Chinese family. Never had many friends. Spent most of my time at home studying. Got good grades in high school. Went to college for engineering and graduate with highest honors. Now working for my dad at his firm. I wake up every morning with an empty feeling in my chest and suicidal thoughts in my head.
We are touched by your honesty - and hopeful that, with self-understanding, you can find a way through.
If you could choose, be anything you wanted to be .. waht would it be?
Find your inner passion and follow that no matter what. You don't have to change your life overnight, but you can take small steps to start getting where you really want to be. You are not trapped - you are planning for your escape, your future. When our inside life is not in accordance with our outside life, we can never be happy. Be true to yourself :) xxx
Please get help and get better once you get suicidal thoughts you must start looking into your life or maybe even yourself. Stay strong and be positive as much as possible
Once I got free from concernjng myself with embarrassing my parents or making them proud, I came out of my shell and found my true purpose. After a while, my family understood. Not needing the emotional support of anyone is quite liberating. It took lots of spiritual growth and maturity. God made me, not my mama and daddy. I came through them and I've paid them what I feel I owed. I still love and respect them but I only obey God. Hope you get through too...
Kraivin Chayangpath I have a similar story....i was good all my life - (actually too good) .... I was an A+ student, won a scholarship to college and more ..but felt empty/ depressed despite my achievements. I quit college my first year and traveled the world. It cost me my relationship with my parents and even friends who didn't approve of my sudden change. But years later, they understood. I became my own person, and even though my life looked lost and aimless for many years - I was happy for the first time! I no longer associated my worth with grades or approval and I became confident in my inner worth after years of loneliness. I went back to college a decade later .... but because I wanted to. In short, It will be very hard when you choose to walk your own road - many won't understand nor approve - and you will be alone -and it may cost you many relationships. But on your journey you will find people who accept you for you and you will have your sanity and even feel happiness. Getting lost was how I found myself and my happiness
Whenever I dared to do anything remotely "naughty" as a child, or even express an opinion that wasn't what my parents wanted me to do, I was yelled at and ganged up on by my own family members (my brother too), and became the family doormat. This led me to become an absolute pushover to everyone around me. I felt like I had to be a good child and do what everyone asks or nobody will like me and I'll get shouted at.
I'm 21 and feel so stunted compared to my peers in so many ways and my parents think I'm overtly sheltered and going to be useless forever - but they refuse to even acknowledge that their harsh parenting and refusal to let me do ANYTHING unsupervised (I never had the luxury of breaking a glass or two without being called an incompetent who shouldn't touch things ever again) that led to this. I keep getting compared to my brother when I even dare to say a word....do they even understand I'm not my brother? I feel so useless. Being obedient didn't get me anything except sadness. If my mother ever found out I was saying this online, she'd just call me a lazy entitled whiner. I cannot win with my family.
I understand. Just gotta go your own way and start doing things for you
Runaway2101 oh my! i am older than you but i've lived the exact same thing. Only thing different is that i have a very annoying sisterna who's made my life miserable since i can remember. The easiest part is aknowledgment...the shitty part is to fight with yourself all the time and convince yourself that you should not please everyone, to tell others to fuck themselves without the fear that something wrong is going to happen as a consequence. My career is mediocre, but i find happiness in things i can do for myself, hobbies and stuff i enjoy very much doing. At least i managed to tell my sister to fuck herself, i won't put up with her anymore and my family knows that so that's a start😊
Didn't have the exact same experience but I in my teens I came to realize that my family were very toxic for me and that they were far too unlike me. They were unaccepting, ignorant and inhibiting me from being myself and growing. Well what happened was I left the house at 18, went my own way and never looked back. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned that I was smarter and stronger than I thought. That I could be myself around people and also be accepted. That I had value and deserved respect. I became what I feel is greater than they are, and now that I have have kindled a friendship with them 6 years later I have well outgrown any criticism that they had of me, they constantly remind me of how proud they are of me and how much they miss me. Not having my immediate family around came with it's own sort of insecurities and complications, but for me it was what needed to be done for me to grow into the man that I truly am.
Just thought I'd share my personal experience.
I had a violent mother and I felt exactly the same when I was your age. She always compared my siblings and I. What I did about it: (and there is no right or wrong way, just do you). I cut my Mum out. For many years I distanced myself. She only got a phone all when I chose. She turned the rest of the family against me and/or made them impotent to help. In that time, I found myself. And in time she came to me asking for forgiveness. I gave her the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. Now, she is alright and we are fairly close. I was mentally very unwell at times though but I learnt to battle through. And now I am mentally stable. I have a minimum wage job but I don't care because I've been to hell and back. Like another person said, I have my free time, my hobbies, my friends, a husband etc. And most importantly I have my sanity and I act on my opinions.
monsoonhaircow It's so hard to do, but I really have to do it.
The good child’s childhood is stolen by their caregivers.
I’ve been a good child for practically my whole life, it has caused a ton of problems. Such as depression, anxiety and a borderline personality. I often find it hard to understand others emotions as well as my own emotions. I often catch myself getting off topic in conversations because I feel like my mind takes me somewhere else. I have a feeling it was caused by my mentally abusive parents. I’m getting better though.
That's terrible, I'm sorry you had to go through that. How are you now?
I'm in the exact same situation 😣
hey, it might be weird, but can we have a little talk together somewhere on the net?
Tbh after so long with mental illness im starting to love it and i never want to change if im losing my mind i never want to be sane
I'm talking to my mother and we're in the same situation
my desire to please people started after my parents divorce. the fact that people just leave when unsatisfied made me think i have to be perfect to keep my loved once around. but at this point in my life i think i can understand my first impulses and take a second thought about things.
knowing yourself is very important
exactly. I am just like that (not because of my parents divorce) and i know exactly why it is very important to know yourself. Its helpful not just for this but for many other things in your life as well.
I know this sound like an advertisement but its not. I actually made a video that asks this question as to how much do you know yourself. It can very useful in self diagnosing as well. If no one else knows why you are like this then you can get an idea yourself about the things you do and why you do.
I kept doing this for similar reasons, but to keep people together when I saw the possibility of it happening. In the end, I was just delaying the inevitable. We just need to accept it's not our fault for leaving people unsatisfied and may not have anything to do with our actions, but other peoples' personalities.
flobb91 This is exactly when it started for me, I didn't want my mom to leave me the way my dad did. So as a teenager I never have done any of the rebellious acts my sister did. I never took the car without permission, never snuck out, basically never really quite had the stereotypical normal teenage hood most have had. Or at least I assume most have or had.
flobb91 My parents when passed away. When I was young I was a very bad child, but when my parents passed away a young age, that when I came a good child.
Shara Dailey Pretty much the same here except it was my dad who died and I was 11. I was pretty much thrust into the "man of the house" role and somehow ended up becoming my mom's "emotional rock" forcing me to be the strong one at all times from ages 11 to 19. My mom getting into an accident a few years later and becoming permanently physically disabled didn't help much either and ended up with me forced to be even more of the "good son" and left me with way more responsibility than a pre-teen/teenager should have. Instead of joining sports ( I literally had the football coach driving 19 miles to my house practically begging my mom to let me join the team every other week for 2 years. Im 6ft tall and weigh 210 lbs im not a small person) , making friends and hanging out, I was going straight home ,helping take care of her rehabilitation, doing housework and homework,cooking meals, and after I turned 16 going to work so we could buy food and gas. I pretty much had no life at all until my mom got a boyfriend and I moved out 4 years ago. Entering normal society was a literal nightmare. Long rant aside, being the good child is usually good for everyone else around but usually nothing but misery and too much responsibility for the kids themselves.
This is the world in one sentence: You are never rewarded for your good, but you are always punished for the bad.
Thus: it is better to beg forgiveness, than to ask permission.
Princesses Are Awesome karma
Princesses Are Awesome that is so true
No not all. He saying that there's a grey area for being good. If you were to watch more of his videos you would understand.
I meant to say "at all" sorry for the typo.
Being the good child has made me conjure this idea of "perfection".
I need to be this way for my family.
I need to be like this for my teachers
I need to achieve these grades for my future job so i can help my family.
I put everything in jeopardy, my sleep, my health, my mental health.
I put everything on the line, for what? Just to make everyone happy, but myself?
I graduated with my degree in physics in 3 years, got honors and did laboatory research.
I was doing it partly for my parents but i was doing for "myself". Because i strived to be "perfect".
Now i just want to be actor. And they understand.
Reviewing my life. They never really pushed me as much as i pushed myself. And its all because i was pushed to be the good child. I was pushed to be "perfect" because thats what a good child was to me.
I definitely suffered and missed allot of experiences. I can see the effect this life of being a "good child" has brought. I never dated anyone my whole life.
I have problems with authority
(Because i blindly followed for so long)
I have problems accepting failure.
But whats important is that im able to acknowledge it. And slowly, hopefully, i can change myself and be the person i want to be. Not the person i became for the people around me.
I felt this...
I feel you Really I was thinking for a long time for this.
Exactly me.
I completely relate 💯 %
@@barney547
I feel more comfortable when I see people have the same problem that I have
Moral of the story. You don’t have to be good and perfect. It’s actually more harmful than good
I was the most obedient and the "good child" and i know its not a good thing
Hi Good for you! I was the "Mild Child" and I had a miserable life:( Thanks.
I'm sorry to hear that. That's lame
Sometimes, obedience has its limitations. You have to drop obedience if your unstable drunken father wants to climb onto roof and that he asks you to fetch him a ladder. You'd be right to disobey wrong orders if it is only for your father's own good. Obey your father by fetching him a ladder and letting him fall off the ladder. Better disobey only for right reasons. I did that years ago only to save his life. That day he called me a bitch. Better that than see him dead.
Tell Me This Believe me It's better than being a "bad child"
Tell Me This ya ya this is exactly true same here
If people hate you it means you're doing something with your life; but if everyone is pleased with you it means you're doing what other people expect you to do.
release some vids bro! already subbed
Pepe Kedor I shall beginning June. Thanks very much for subscribing!
I'll tune in!
Shit people are supposed to hate me fuck I though but then but oh fuck life
Iwasneverhere That's kind of a special case. Maybe you hate "you" because you do things you don’t enjoy. You might wanna focus on things you actually Enjoy!
I was 'Good child' when I was young and now I have Intermittent explosive disorder bacause I have supressed my emotions too much
*YAY*
Controlled explosions is the key :) They are, very useful.
Tell me about it, once I was mad at a classmate, I went back to the classroom and wanted with a chair on my hands.
Good thing i recover common dense in time to put down that thing before the teacher came.
i don't know why i read that as "intermittent explosive diarrhea" at first. lol
@@jones2277 thank you for this
Do meditation.
In some cultures like mine ,being the "good child " seems like the only option most of the time. Any deviation from cultural expectations can lead to so much unrest.
Or death but these cultures when they come to countries
Their kids tend to do a lot of bad because their were suppressed
Of all the bad deeds they wanted to do
"The Key to Joy is Disobedience."
Disobedience is the road to hell literally. Be obedient to God and you will have true peace.
@@maritzaperrault4836:
Those who escape hell however never talk about it and nothing much bothers them after that.
-Charles Bukowski.
Hence, the key to joy is disobedience. 😉
I don’t get that. Like to what extent are we expected to be disobedient? Personally, I can’t really be bothered to even if I had the option
@@ayhamshaheed7740: When you wash off your own ignorance-no pun intended, that's when you'll know. Think of it like your own karma.
Jess G.T. Sorry dude Im pretty much half Asleep, I don’t think I’ve got the brainpower to understand that 😂. Could you explain again, more simply
Anyone else feel so attacked?
+Papergirl
I wouldn't call it an attack. There's just some harsh truths about the world people don't want to hear. We've got the information, now it's up to us on how we use it
+Kaptin Barfbeerd Not all of it is the truth though. This video is just cherry picking a niche demographic. Not all nice kids are have POS parents and gonna end up being prunes or shitty employees.
+darexinfinity
Yeah, i know not all nice kids have POS parents but the video didn't say that was the case either. There are other signs in the child to consider.
Not sure if this situation really that niche though. Considering the modern family is quite unstable. Divorce is common, single parent households are on the rise, unhappiness of parents (as a demographic), I'm inclined to believe it's more common than we think.
Kaptin Barfbeerd The problem with this video-and they are legion on this channel-is, the problem is misplaced and in often ends up with idea that can be categorized into sophism
me
When I was a small child my mother told me that if she could leave my father she'd be free and happy again, but now me and my sister were here she was 'stuck with him in this miserable life.' Both of my parents were angry and resentful at being 'trapped' together in their marriage, and - in the privacy of our home life, at least - made absolutely no secret of it. Every time me or my sister did anything 'bad,' or 'failed' in some way - or even outgrew our clothes quicker than we 'should' have done, forcing them to spend money on more for us - we were made to feel like we were just making their already grim lives even worse, out of sheer selfishness. Sometimes that was in the form of straight-up anger, other times it was the wailing to the heavens of 'what did we ever do to deserve such horrible children?' guilt-tripping.
I know I've spent a huge chunk of my life trying to 'make up' for being the source of all my parents' misery simply by existing. And it carried over into other areas, so that I wasn't just doing it with my parents, but with EVERYONE in my life. I learned to associate having wants and needs of my own that don't directly benefit others as selfish whims I have no right to ask for and don't deserve to have fulfilled. When others are sad, or grumpy, or just less than happy with their lot, my default mindset is to think a)how it's most probably my fault, and b)what I need to do to 'fix' this for them - as if it's my 'duty' to do so.
It's taken a loonnng time, and YEARS of therapy, to get some sort of handle on it - and even now, I have to accept that I'll never conquer my messed-up worldviews completely, only manage them as best as I can. I have a son of my own now, and I tell him as often as I can that he's the best thing that ever happened to me and that, even when he occasionally does things that make me cross, I will never stop loving him no matter what.
F
Trash UA-cam I feel sorry for you. The Muslim life is the worst life I can think of and thank God every day I’m not a Muslim.
@@suziecreamcheese211 The problem here isn't the religion, it's the people who have power and use it for bad things
@Trash UA-cam 💖
@@suziecreamcheese211 you won't be very thankful after you die. 😉
I've been a good boy since my childhood; almost never wanted anything from my parents as they couldn't afford it; wouln't break laws at school and as such was often preferred by the teachers even more than the boys with better results; never approached any girl and always maintained respectful distance with them. Result? 37 and still single; struggled a lot in my scientific career for not raising concerns about orders from my supervisor even if I felt those were plainly problematic (and as such ended up wasting time and energy correcting those later upon reviewer comments), faced a lot of mental trauma, depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.
You can change, get therapy!! It works, you deserve it. You are supposed to be here and relaxed and live your best life as anyone is. Do it!
🤗🙋♀️✌🇨🇦
Same...
Looks like my story
Holy crap is scary how accurate your videos can be. Absolutely loving the quality of work you and your studio produces
My thoughts exactly!!
Hi, It's like they can read minds!:) Thanks.
silentone911 ikr
It is truly frightening just how on the dot these people are when it comes to making videos.
I was a good child, good grades, stayed home most of the time, went to church... I guess I wanted my parents' approval so badly, never got it. At 27 they still treat me like I am a criminal. I gave up. Moved out. Now I am in rebel mode. I say what I want, I go where I want, I do what I want. Learning to make decisions for myself. I still go to church though 😊😊😊
If you moved out in 27 you clearly are a disappointing person.
Wookie Gass Excuse you. I left home at 17 to study abroad for 7 years, I came back home a while before I found a job and moved out wgen I got one. What a shallow judgement.
Vic LTD high five bro. you're awesome
Man I was expecting you to say "I quit the church and now i'm a agnostic and hate the church" I was pleasantly surprised
Your parents seems callous.
"They are good because they have no other option"...this part hit me hard
Same
Then people tell you you're a nice person, and you struggle to believe it, because all the nice things you did were more out of a sense of obligation than genuine kindness. I feel like such a snake sometimes.
Im jealous of my classmates that are so free in doing anything they want. Yes, they get scolded so much by their parents, reprimanded by the highest ranks of teachers and even the principal in our school, they are so open with their thoughts with others, and talk back when they want to. They know what they want.
Us people pleasers, are stuck with existential crisis, not knowing who we are, what we want or what we truly desire, because we are so obedient to follow what our parents or other people expect of us.
The hardest thing, we are afraid to disappoint the whole world (exaggeration purposes only) when we actually do what we want, and break our so called "good image".
Im a high school student council president in a big university in our city, I tell you, I almost lost my sanity being a president and at the same time, being a lover. Torn between being self-less for my service to the school, and being selfish, for having a romantic relationship with someone I love so dearly. 😢
This hits home so hard. My mother died when I was 7 years old, my sister was only 5. I worked hard straight through middle school, high school and the first part of college. I nearly graduated as valedictorian of my high school. I volunteered at a soup kitchen; I went to tons of extracuriculars. My room was always spotless. I had virtually no friends. My sister had VERY lackluster grades, little involvement outside of school, but tons of friends. Now I'm 23 and she's 21 and she has twice the success I have. We've been fed a false narrative. Hard work doesn't always pay off; social skills do. Interact with others as early as you can, develop people skills. Unfortunately, the world is a popularity contest to a certain extent. We need to realize this soon.
"to a certain extent" not so much, even Hitler was just a failed painter who rallied an entire country behind a flawed and evil ideology with just a failed German economy and his speaking skills
That’s not true, life isn’t a popularity condom ! That’s society’s values! Get out of society’s head and go into your own!
@The Lexi Show
“Popularity condom.” 😂
You're right. The people who get promoted aren't the hardest workers, it's who you know. That's why networking is vital
YES, YES, YES 💁.
my brother is a lot of work to my parents, addicted to video games, lazy, greedy and jealous and all. So since a very young age, I've been trying to take some stress off my parent's shoulder and help them have an easier life, for there's almost only one kid to be worried about. It hit me around one year and half ago when I failed my entrance test to get to study in the best school in the city, it was heart breaking to me and I suddenly realized how much I needed parents, not the other way around. But after all the "good child" play I have put on, they assumed I would be fine while trying to get my brother who's unemployed after college, no hobby, no passion, no talent and no intend to get a job in line. I just didn't understand why everyone expect so much from me while give me so little. It got emotional and I started causing problems, talking ill of my brother, displaying jealousy, maybe neglecting my studying a bit, all of that, just so my parents would care for me more.
Now all is good but I still remember the day I cried because I thought noone actually loved me, that it didn't matter how much I tried, I would still be underserving of anything in my life. Phew, dark times.
Shut up weeb
I know what you mean! This video also hits close to home because of that. Us good children are deemed "good" and are left to fend for ourselves after. I also got into a similar situation but I came home drunk and had a really honest (ft. tears) conversation with my dad and things are a little better. I hope you're doing alright! Maybe we have to be a little bad to remind our parents & other authoritative figures in our lives that we're human.
I totaly agree with u for not finding parents when u need them ! When i told my narcisstic mother about my problems yesterday and that i realy need to see a therapist because i can't manage anxiety anymore wich is a side effect of been a "good child" for like 18 years ! Years of always listening to her problems empethysing with her and consoling and helping her expecting she would do the same she bafly turned me down saying her problems are far more important to her that she can't listen to mine .... still hurt a lot ...
Obvious Troll. Yet you still got baited. Congrats this is what you do around here?
wow i relate i had a similar case but i ended up being depressed after not getting the college of my dreams and my mom and siblings had to adjust to the fact i wasn't the good kid again
Really hit home bout the “didn’t have anyone tolerate their badness” so true I have a extremely hard time forgiving people but I think it’s because I have never felt that feeling of having another forgive for doing somthing so terrible because I really never have
Whenever I talked back to my parents or did something even remotely wrong I’d get yelled at or spanked which is why I never did anything around them or anyone else. I just try to be invisible.
Once my grandma told me that I was one of her favourites because I was a "Good, submissive girl", and I just wanted to shut at her I tell her just how much I hated that (the worst part is that I was telling that to the person I was speaking to before she had interrupted us). But I couldn't do that, because I can't bring myself to stand against anything, I grew up being a good child, and know I feel trapped.
And the worst part is that I have never learnt to actually defend myself, and that caused me so many problems and bad experiences.
I feel the same way whenever my uncle, my dad, my mother, my siblings, my teachers and everyone else says that surrounds me and it’s really starting to get on my nerves.
Me too. Me not standing up for myself has caused people to think they could pick on me however they wanted. I have had to set some firm boundaries and be firmly assertive
Same here
I've never played any video games, I've never go to any prom, i never get to dress like a princess in front of the boy i liked, I never had any boyfriend, I've never had any close girl friends, I have no one to talk about my feelings for 20 years, I'm afraid of other people but at the same time I wish they could like me.
We kinda both have the same case here. I never went to prom either, i never had girlfriends in life (because im shy), nobody actually chats with me in a 'funny' or friendly way but when they do, it's just something important and i sometimes i worry because about what people think about me and how they see me and i wanted them to really like me more
Kate C Well if you want everyone to be like you the world would be a whole lot less interesting to discover won’t it?By what you say I think you haven’t hd that many memorable memories/experiences,but I believe you should also have some of them,so when you might be at a split in the path,you can remember the memories and choose not to go onto the one which leads to a cliff,because in life we may all experience a moment where it’s like that,a path with a split,what we choose depends on the situation and how we’ve acted before,I think it is great for one to reflect,to accept you may have problems and identify them.You may be afraid of others,yet you wish others are like you,don’t worry...there’s 7 billion on us on this planet,you may believe your unique,and in many cases everyone is,but you will and can find people like minded and that have same interests as you.Even I admit I am scared of taking the first step,but sometimes we just got to take it,because either way we move or not,the problems and hardships will naturally come to us,it’s not like they won’t if we continue the same routine which seems to have no problem,so please go out and explore the world,do what you want,learn new people,but try not to get on the wrong path,and if you do,make sure to climb back up the hill onto the right one before it’s too late.
Never go to any prom!! OMG i'm tears
@@sibusisodlamini7598 It s all that you care about😂 you do realize that prom doesn't occur everywhere? very anglo saxon thing actually. Where i come from ( french system) no prom, when we graduate we go clubbing with our mates ^^ ( cos yeah age of drinking is 18 hehe)
If u want a friend I'm sure we'd get along :) I actually wasn't that shy but I totally relate to the video. I'm 19
people use fear to make children do stuff
because its easier, im guilty (though not a parent but on other stuffs) and fear makes everything easier imo but im not some sort of psychopath i just believe and know that it is
This needs to be higher up in the comment section
I was (and many other kids) forced into a religion at a young age. cause I was scared the "big hairy two horned devil will make me burn in the pits if hell cause my sins"
Once I grew up and realized that I was just getting brainwashed into thinking the same way I'm now an atheist.
my parents have been telling me if I don’t get good grades, then they won’t get Christmas presents. They say if I don’t pass the midterms i will have to do study guides and homework for the rest of the break. They tell me I will not get presents from anyone else in my family either, but this one is bs because the other family members could just give a present anyways.
Yeah im scared of being a failuresl when i grow older so i get good grades and will panic if i do bad.
I used to be a good child, and could relate all too well with this video..
However, there is nothing wrong with being kind and genuine, but you gotta be able to set firm boundaries and put yourself first.
Knowing that Im a people pleaser makes me depressed sometimes I wish I grew up differently
The point of them raising you nice: so you don't yell or defend yourself when you get a foot up your ass.
You will never go anywhere in life if you don't stick up for yourself, mark these words.
Kern Dog I am someone that hates confrontarion. Being a 'good girl' and introverted. I am slowly learning to voice my displeasures and stand up for myself. Little by little. it's hard sometimes, but I don't want to be a doormat.
Kern Dog I'm exactly trying to pull that crap away from me.I'm 14, i can't go outside by myself,Go to school by myself and back too,i can't hang out alone with my friends,and they're trying to make me their look of a good model.All parents want their best for their children,but one things right,its about time i mature and grow up,and start living life by myself so i don't end up living in their basement without a job for the rest of my life.I'm just getting started,and soon,i'll extand my horizons.Like a baby bird,learning to fly,and soon,leaving to fly by him self,i am now going to start living by myself.Flying,by myself.
So true , i can never describe how amazing it feel to stand up to yourself when you need to .
Kern Dog this is nearly impossible when you are very poor and your only source of support is pretty much the horrible parent who restricts your life. In my case, I just have to bear with it and try to endure
Being nice doesn't mean you're a pushover, idiot.
Your videos usually hit close to home or remind me of things I think about many times. But this one was specially THE ONE. This is something that's not talked about very often, so thank you for doing a video on it. I've always been the good child, who would be the best in her class, who'd never party or had fun, who'd never disagree with her parents. And that led me to pursue the career my parents wanted for me, which all it did was ruining my life, because exactly it ISN'T MINE. It's someone's else dream life. Oh sweet life, this video hit me like a ton of bricks...
Hi, I hope you can find the courage and the strength to follow your own path and find your own happiness. You're dead a long time! Live the life you want. Thanks.
Faia Halo It's NEVER too late to turn things around, buddy. Every day that we discover a new (albeit depressing) facet of our self is a day that was worth living. I honestly feel sad after watching this video, but you know what, now I know what not to do tomorrow. We've learned something about ourselves that we never would've discovered on our own and tomorrow let's use this new insight to start facing those demons of ours. High fucking time we started turning things around.
Faia Halo lol because the antithesis of this video is often how many children are raised in our world, sadly
That's powerful! Very well said.
Faia Halo Yea... this video hits hard. I'm glad I was exposed to how wrong this life is at 14-15 before it was too late for me.
Older sibling here - I am unlearning my 'good girl' mentality in my 30's. I'm glad I have had this revelation. With this mentality we were never gonna be fully fulfilled because we have relied on other peoples markers of 'what's right' to create our own lives. I think our families and friends as well have benefited from this.
This broke me in my elementary days and when I came to high school, things weren't the same after I stopped being the "good child". I went spiralling down and so did relationships with a lot of people especially my mom and found out that I never had this sense of individuality as a child.
I've never felt so alive after I stopped trying to please people even if it meant being detached to others.
cursing though that never ends well that doesnt mean you are being too nice not cursing no its just not meant to be using a larger broader vocabulary is better literally reading a book is better than reading online.
This is basically a good summary of the effects of authoritarian parenting. I'd love to see something similar for permissive and authoritative styles too.
seano1401 That's what it was I read in my psychology book
I'm only 17 but I'd think the best way to parent would be giving your child the "tools" to decide what's morally right and how to be a good person yet to live your own life. Guidance yet not telling them what to do. Instead of punishment for doing something wrong, isn't truly teaching them how that affected other people and them regretting doing it out of empathy better than not repeating out of fear of what will happen to them?
seano1401 I'm a good child and I don't have neat handwriting, and I'm top of my class and the smartest in the school, my brain works faster than my hands, this idiot saying good children write well
🔑
Writing well was just an example. He also talked about being in sexual situations and you didn't call out that example either?
My life sumed up and honestly I cried
This video described exactly my 8-year-old brother. he's almost too good. i want him to think more for himself, but i don't know how to encourage that!! i feel ya
well, at least you aren't alone.
Ditto... That was very uncomfortable to watch.
"If you raise your children to merely obey, they will look for someone to obey when you're not around"
This is exactly me, my mom is always not tolerable of anything and I am always afraid of her which makes me afraid of making any mistakes in life this make no progress in life
i grew up with a father that was physically present but emotionally absent. my mother would always complain about him being emotionless and never being romantic. she even complained to me about it and told me some of the issues between them which a parent shouldnt tell their child (she didnt go all the way but still told me some things i dont think a child needs to know about their parents relationship). this nagging of my mother went on for years, until she got pregnant with her third child (i was 12) and my brother was born. my other brother (8 at the time) started to act up and do bad things. he is still the troublemaker in our family, the black sheep, the one that causes problems and is a “bad” child. my mother stopped with the whole “why doesnt your dad buy me flowers for our wedding day/ remember my birthday” thing around that time and all her energy went into trying to fix my brother and raising the youngest one. she then got pregnant again with a child she didnt want. she had anger attacks and went through some depression as well. she told me how she didnt wanted to become pregnant and how it was bc my dad didnt use protection and they still had sex. i was 15. i told her to get an abortion if it was that hard but she had the baby. after that we moved and my mother changed. she didnt nag my dad or try to kiss him when he got back from work. or do any sort of flirting etc at all. it was like they were two strangers living in a house when they were both only 40. my brother got worse with his troublemaking acts and began getting really bad grades and hanging around bad guys. i remember my mothers new struggle: how to make a good child out of my brother who was a bad one. she would give him speeches, sometimes hit him, she would beg and cry, she would tell me all about it and even ask me to talk with my brother. meanwhile she was also raising the two young ones. i was old enough and i always had good grades and never caused any trouble. around the age of 15-16 i tried to rebel a few times but it never worked. i noticed that my parents never changed their strict and old fashioned opinions of what a girl should and shouldnt be. so i stopped. i just decided to be the good child again and i applied for university. i wanted to become a lawyer but opted to study to become a teacher because my parents told me to. im 21 now and i went to study abroad for three months. in the first two months i stayed in my room all by myself and did nothing. but the last months all the pent up shit came out and i started partying and drinking, making out with guys, things i never did before. and i regret all of that now. it wasnt me. i have been suffering from feelings of regret for over a month now. because i supressed my inner desires and rebellion until i was 21 and for so long that once i touched it a little bit, it all came out too strong.
im the oldest child of a muslim immigrant family. im female. you cannot even imagine how much this adds to the problem. my parents cannot find out about what i did when i was away. they would never expect something like that from me. they still think im the good child who never does anything wrong and who would never go against her parents. and i decided to go back to that role again,because doing what i wanted was too scary. i dont even know what it is that i want. i have no hobbies, no clubs or anything i was ever part of. meanwhile my younger brother has been playing football professionally since he was 7, my parents spending a fortune for all of that. whenever he makes a mistake he doesnt even bother to hide it, my parents get mad at him but forgive him at some point. i remember my mother sitting and laughing with my brother a day after he came home drunk puking everywhere, sth they would kill me for, while my mom gave me the silence treatment for ONE MONTH bc i chose to buy sth i wanted with my birthday money instead of what she advised me to buy..... my existence is dumb and meaningless like this. i dont do anything that i want to do in life and im just not trying to disappoint my parents, because im too scared of making them sad or angry. it has been so long since they got really upset at me, and i remember it being a feeling i hated. i would rather die than to experience that again. i am a people pleaser in a unique way. i actually used to pride myself in being honest and standing strong with my beliefs but i realized that i was still a people pleaser after all. i gave in to my friendship circle and did what they did just to be accepted more. and now i regret it and realize its not something i even truly wanted or stand behind.
there are also other things like my parents being overly controlling and riciduling us whenever we did sth even insignificant or petty which they didnt like. this could include our way of eating, even though it isnt messy or impolite, just different. our tastes and how we like to do things. my parents always made it a point to ricidule the way i did sth before they could tell me how i should REALLY be doing sth, and that that was the only right way. this made me very timid especially in my childhood and i never wanted to disappoint anyone.
another thing is that as you might have probably guessed, there is almost constant fighting going on in our household. my parents speak to each other in a loud and rude manner, they argue about everything and make it obvious that they just really hate each other. whats fucked up is that my mother would tell me that they both love each other and i thought that that is how all romantic relationships must be like, which is why i have commitment and intimacy issues now as an adult.
this has gotten really long so i will end it now but... whatever. who cares if another sore loser like me follows her dreams and desires or what. its not that important. if all of that will make more people miserable than happy, then why bother? everyone in my mother’s life is already a disappointment, i cannot add to that. that would be the most cruel act, knowing the things i know. i can keep this act up for her sake at least. and for my two youngest siblings whom i love the most in this world.
I'm sorry, that sounds really shitty :( I wish I could give you a 10 step plan for how you can fix this, but I don't know the solution. It's unfair that a parent places their responsibilities on a child, but it seems to happen often despite that. I hope you can find a way to break away from your family so that you can find peace with your inner self. I wish you all the best :)
pyro hey! thank you. im still in the same place in my life, nothing has really changed. i dont have much hope for my future either, i really dont care anymore
@@lunali7209 please don't lose hope :( Life can be a beautiful thing if you can free yourself from some of the burdens that you don't deserve.
Quite recently I was also in a very difficult position with my family (though very different to yours) and I chose to leave in order to continue existing and try to fix what I could from the outside. It was an incredibly difficult thing to do and there will be significant repercussions for some people involved that I have to try and fix, but when the burden you're wearing is incredibly unfair, it can be the necessary thing to do.
Please don't lose hope. You have a whole life ahead of you :)
pyro thank you. im sorry that you also had family issues and i wish you the best in life. i will think about it all and make my decision
I understand
First of all, thanks to everyone for putting up their thoughts. I really feel now that I'm not alone. Few months back, I would've been shy to put this comment alone. I too have suffered from this "good child" syndrome because of my emotionally and mentally abusing father. I always felt like I was never enough. My father would always shout at me for petty things like dropping something. I thought as a child that the only way to impress my father was to be good at studies, so he could never complain about me and to help my mother in household chores. It was like I was Sisyphus trying to roll the rock uphill and every small tantrum or complain my father reciprocated , threw the rock down again. Yet, I was never tired. Until, I was 15. I couldn't handle failure and since then, I've been trying to stick to one passion but I can't find anything that interests me anymore because I think I would never be good enough at it. I'm almost 21 and have been battling with chronic depression and anxiety for almost 6 years.
I know I’m a bit late to the party here, but I just wanted to say that I appreciate sharing your thoughts and experiences with this. I related a lot to your comment and thought it was very insightful to my own life. It’s nice being able to finally identify this knowing others have the same issues too. I hope all is well!
@@khylecross6744 I wish you well too!
Especially loved this one because of its wide resonance in our childhood.Good children turning bad in their adulthood is now a commonplace these days.If anyone feels this transition unwanted then this video will explain everthing.
INTJ-Skorpyo7 cool name. I'm infj. congrats on a cool life. I totally get it
Obviously he is not certified in them all.
I was anxiously good as a child, terrified and oppressed into being silent and good because of a dangerously violent parent. My terror and anxiety was spotted by other adults but nothing was done to protect my brother and I. Being good was the only way to keep safe, I tried to be invisible. My invisibility reduced the violence but it went hand in hand with neglect. There was no love or acceptance. Feelings got repressed and I became withdrawn. Having such a childhood makes it hard as an adult to integrate. I was wild outside of the home it was my only outlet for the oppression. Next time you see a wild child ask them what horrors they might be going through. They might need rescuing.
That's terrible, I'm sorry you had to go through that. How are you now?
I have found that the only things that will defend me are the things in my head
I know I'm wrong, I know I'm spiteful, I don't care; I am rebellious if just to be right once in my life
the things inside my head are not under my control, but they aren't exactly cruel rulers either
I can relate. My dad had anger outbursts that would last for hours. I always thought if I was really really good, he would stop. Other adults noticed my shyness but either ignored it or poked fun at me for it. I wish just one person would have delved deeper
I feel like alot of parents just raise their kids to look good infront of others and to impress adults, because the praises that come with you being a good child are actually just compliments that your parents want to hear about themselves (e.g *you* did such a good job raising him/her. Or, *You* handle your kids so well.) I don't know how much this makes sense but it just occurred to me.
💯 true
This was my childhood, I was like a robot. Parent was narcissistic and depressed lunatic. Took years to undo the damage and still have to make a mental effort now. Had my first breakdown at 18. Had more since. But generally a person who met me now would never know I had such a fucked upbringing.
If I am ever a parent I will bring them up very differently than to my own childhood. Its a good job I had football and a woods nearby to go run and play army games in with mates who didn't have to be this 'robot' way.
Being good, to fullfil others expectation and afraid to make mistake, what a life...
Never be good to fullfil others expectation my friend,it mostly leads to what the vidéo said
I was raised as a good child that why i have trouble expressing my emotion, that why i have this emotion burst/started crying for no reason
The moment we even got in a little bit of trouble tears will be falling in seconds...
All my life, my parents friends, my friends parents, my teachers say im such a good student for being so polite and thankful. All my life when my friend insulted me the best that i can do was "why, whats wrong with me?" or i just went quiet. I hate this,... There is also a trust issue, I never really fully express my emotions infront of a new person, because im afraid of what they would say, and how i would look, the side effect of this is that i am really quiet, when infact, when im alone or few people i really trust, im hyper active and loud. This really ruined my life. I need a solution, so if anyone who had similar problems, overcomed this, how did you do it? please let me know D:
Well for me all it took was workin in an harsh environement with a feminist boss ...well in a restaurant! I work for her 3 years and half. It took me all of that time to finally understand what i was , that i cant let people control me, i cant please anyone because customer are hard to please some times and that i had to leave that place altough she said she didnt want me to leave . I kinda open my eyes and said enough is enough. I quit my job , i quit my girlfriend, change job, found new friends. Now no one disrespect me, when someone talk to me with bad intend or just being harsh i can counter back easily. Its like, nothing can be worse than my old job 😅 * sorry for my bad english *
I am similar. I have been told it's a "phase" and that all teenagers are shy and not confident and lazy and sad because of hormones or whatever. I also am extremely outgoing around family and close friends, but extremely quiet at school or with unknown people, so it makes me feel like I have 2 personalities and that I'm not 1 single real person, but just 2 characters, which makes me feel like I'm not a real person sometimes. I have managed to be outgoing with people I have never met before (with strangers in the street) but I still struggle immensely in a group of people I don't know to show my real self. It's become a mental block to be real at a group social situation and I always revert to being quiet and listening but never talking. I am conscious of it but it still makes it difficult to be myself. I guess that, after socialising enough, I will gain the confidence to be myself around groups of people and not just 1 on 1. Anyway, I advise therefore to be a kind of "yes-man" when you get invited to social situations so you can get comfortable being in them which will make you less quiet. This is what I am doing and it is working, but very, VERY slowly. Good luck bro
Too bad and too good children are two sides of the same coin. Both behaviours are the way they "choose" to react to their parents behaviours.
Very true. It is often a response, a symptom of a bigger problem within he family.
Dandelion 07 I was thankfully raised by an amazing mother and father who pushed me to be assertive when I needed to be and to follow my dreams no matter what people said, but also told me that getting angry with people will make things worse also.
I was raised in a great way, neither of my parents had many problems, and yet I was still the "good kid." Still am, and I'm an adult now. I have severe anxiety and severe depression and neither of my parents do, but their parent's did- it's genetic. It's not always based on the parents' behavior. School personally made my mental health drop heavily.
I'll never truly grow up because of this, I'm basically trapped in my childhood and I can't do much about it, also the fact that I am on the Autism Spectrum makes it a bit harder for me. I'm an adult now but I'll always be 13-16 mentally.
It really is sad to see how the good kids suffer as much as the bad kids, but in totally different ways.
Dotty Most of the time it has to do with the way parents treat their children or the way they respond to the things happening to them. And I had a mother that would spend hours with me in order to learn how to write properly, who always had me study in summer when school was over so that I won't forget what I learned the year before and who sometimes did things for me even when I was capable to do them on my own. I became a perfectionist, which is neither that bad nor that good at specific situations. I don't always trust my abilities apart from when it has to do with my studies. I never said I had a bad mother. She always had good intentions. I don't blame her for the impact her behaviour had on me, I just acknowledge it. As for school...I understand what you mean...it can cause great harm because in a child's life it has almost as great an impact as its family.
When it comes to the good child, the worst part is that no matter how hard you try to please those around, there will come a time when they'll be disappointed. "Bad"(there are never actual bad children) children don't really care what those around them think, at least most of the time, they do Them. That kind of liberation I envy sometimes. But we, the good children, can't really help it. We might rebel for a time, do the good kid gone bad, but in the end we will return to people pleasing!
Not just family. I was bullied at school and abused at home. So naturally I became "bad" because I nobody gave a fuck about me so there was no motivation to give any either. I'd say the problem at school was worse than the lack of support from the family.
allow me to reply saying that i totally identified with your picture.
I liked your way of speaking and the way you argued on things, as well.
This was more useful than 5 months of therapy
zukumoko zu Same. I think the reason why is because these videos get straight to the point
As a person known to be a "good child" I can confirm that we are very good at hiding certain parts of ourselves from everyone.
I'm like wi-fi, I only get appreciation when I'm preforming well.
The problem is being expected to be good and do good. When eventualy failure is inevitable, I am unequiped to deal with it. I get depressed and angry or sometimes avoid doing anything. If I don't try I cannot fail.
But isn't it a failure in its own way, not to try? Nothing wrong with failing, so long as it doesn't stop you from fighting. Fall down seven times, stand up eight. Doing something, knowing that you might fail, takes courage. And courage isn't something that just happens, it's a choice.
NightmareMindset
Yeah, but the failure for inaction is more preferable than failure for action.
This is a bias called "Omission Bias". So, you are right and my input is unnecessesary.
Thing is it gets harder to face obstacles everytime you fail, it's like inflicting yourself scratches and minor injuries which would get much more grievous everytime you fall down. This'll give you the idea it's better not to do something if it might end up getting worse because of your actions. The will to solve problems, yet almost always end up causing just another dilemma is something hard to live by. Omission Bias as Vivien James stated.
I think this just happens to be my case. Also, I always tried doing better than before and think that I should start anew but always end up messing up again. Though, I hope I manage to find a way out of this continuous faults for the sake of others.
I actually admire what you just said and I don't ought to oppose it.
I'm silently crying at the validity of this video.
Where’s the "good child" squad at
We all know that we were good in our parents eyes but we have a different life/persona when we aren’t with them
I grew up in the age where if you weren't "good" you were punished and shamed severely. There was no room for a mistake, and at 60 I still am deathly afraid of mistakes.
stOP CALLING ME OUT
same
Alex Honour same
same
INTJ-Skorpyo7 same
John R aye dude much love from the gay avengers
I'm going through this right now and unlearning everything that is 'good'.
Ebony80s90sGurl same. College life is about to throw my ass in a literal circle
Ebony80s90sGurl sounds a whole lot like Neitsche (forgetting what is good and all)
Be careful, though. This landed me in a world of excess that was hard to get out.
lalaithan What I meant by unlearning 'good' things is about making choices based on protecting everyone else's personal feelings, not anything harmful or illegal. I hope that clears up my first message.
Xoccyle Actually, college is when I first noticed that being good just for the sake of it is thankless and those expecting you to remain that way are often ungrateful, yet want you to stay that way forever.
This video should be renamed "How to get attacked for 4 minutes and 31 seconds"
Being the nice kid, following rules and the fear of authority.. Has made me develop a sense of anxiety when things don't go my way... I feel scared to do certain things on my own and I'm constantly looking for an authorities approval.. It's really suffocating .
Seriously important topic. But you don't say how the damaged adult can heal.
Chris Open they usually don't.. lol... they show the issue and then it's up to us to figure it out I guess... that's life?
Yeah . It seems tricky because being "bad" in the adult world of jobs/money/relationships can have some pretty big consequences. Our survival no longer depends on our parents' approval but it does depend on our own good judgment. I understand that he's saying we don't have to people please at the expense of our own dreams... but the message of the video seems to go deeper than that. It seems like he's also saying that outright destructive actions are sometimes part of the growth process. This makes sense when you're a toddler and you scribble on the wall. But when you're an adult you can't expect people to always accept whatever you do just because you never got to act out as a kid. Can you? I mean... it kinda seems like the ship of truly unconditional love already sailed for many of us a long time ago.
Chris Open Go to a psychologist/therapist.
Get that weak ass mindset outta here. Be yourself unapologetically and that should start helping
I tried to be the "good child" once. I originally wasn't, I thought outside the box, but every time I did, I was punished. I trained myself to be a good child. But I wasn't very happy. The happy-go-lucky, opinionated child became the reserved, nice one. I went too far though, so far that I had an obsession with pleasing every single one with every single aspect of me, and I had what I presume to be major anxiety.
Then I became an adolescent. I finally worked up the courage to talk, especially to my parents. They didn't take it well, as they're very traditional, but now I think they at least accept my opinions more. I'm still working on it, though. I'm still scared to ask for a fork at a food stall. Least I'm getting there.
*Thanks, parents, for your unreasonably perfect expectations of me!*
I was a good girl and my mom used to feel proud of me because I was so clean and obedient and so on. But now... now that I'm a teenager I have changed... I still obey my parents but I don't do many things anymore as they expect. Such as get good grades and socialize. I think to much what other people may think and I'm afraid, I'm afraid about so many things. I'm afraid to socialize because I don't really know how to do it. When I try... I get nervous and my hands start to sweat, I get blank... and feel so confused I dunno who I am, and when I try to become the person I used to, I just can't, because there's always a feeling or a thought that is telling me that what I do it's not enough, so I give up... and I don't even know what to do with my future
Don’t worry we teenagers often don’t know what we’re gonna do in the future. This is the age for self doubt & fear. I suggest obviously trying to study, but also trying to find a skill or creative hobby that you can be really good at. Might help u in the future idk
@@ayhamshaheed7740 Thanks!!
Evelyn n.n :)
Oh honey, I was the same at your age. I was a good girl and very social, but when I became a teenager I also felt like I've "lost" a part of me. I was always trying to get my confidence back and, around 17, I finally did but my confidence was deeper. I promise, its just the pesky teenager phase :)
My parents were never so strict on me, they try to understand and help me in every way they can. But the problem is I was always the good Child. My grades were high, I was well behaved and always tried to know my place-not to annoy anyone. I think that buildt up expectations. Like I was already good and succesful so I always had to be that way, it was the usual stuff. Even now when I get anxiety and feel like losing it, everyone just tells me to calm down because they think it's gonna be easy for me. They say "You'll manage." or "You'll do fine. Because you are YOU." like hey, I am not a perfect machine that can miraculously do everything right. I feel pressure and set my standards too high. And I cant blame anyone because they are trying and I am the one to put a pressure on my shoulders
holy shit! I was thinking about that yesterday. I wished I would have been mischievous as a kid. Enjoyed being careless, and wreck less like everyone else was. Now I'm an old lady trying to make up for lost yrs. LMAO
na na sometimes at school I wonder what would have happened if I were bad.
Same. I wish I'd been a little more rebellious when I was a teenager when defiance was still somewhat tolerated. Now, it would just seem weird if I act out as an adult, as though I'm some maladjusted weirdo who needs to grow up.
Hi Na na, Some of us never get there,I'm 52 and still a virgin cause I never could "disappoint" my Mother,as crazy as that sounds. Thanks.
na na yeah because old ladies say things like holy shit and LMAO
Ilavíos I don't think you need to take her SO literally lol
What I understand here is, nurture your kids so that they will be good BY CHOICE.
And they will learn that failing is not bad every time. It's how we learn
I can totally relate to this video. I am 26 now and as a child I was always "the good child", and I am the kind of person that gets on well with people. In other words, I think I am "too nice" and it isn't always a good thing, because people take advantage of it and I am too afraid of going after what I want.
Growing up the “good child” in an Asian family that was also Christian meant torturous adherence to strict standards of behavior, work ethic, and spiritual morality that has done far more harm than good in my life. I regret every bit of my upbringing and I wish I could undo all of it. The sex part of this video really struck a chord with me, too. The fact that I am gay threw a wrench in my “perfect” record of righteous obedience to God and I spent my whole life doing everything imaginable to turn straight. I felt like a walking manifestation of sin and a mistake every waking moment. I was afflicted with ceaseless anxiety over the state of my salvation and I performed desperate acts of piety (excessive tithing, mortification of the flesh, sobbing and praying at every given chance) to please a God that I felt was displeased with me for not being perfect. It gave way to severe mental health issues that left a lasting impact. I developed tics that manifested in compulsive chanting and jerking motions, along with occasional panic attacks that felt like death from suffocation. I began talking to people who weren’t there, and my mind felt hazy and tormented by voices that spoke intrusive thoughts into mind (thoughts that revolved mostly around homosexuality and hell). I could only expel those thoughts through Scriptural chanting and the repetitive, compulsive twitching of my head and limbs. These sessions of self-exorcism would go on for hours. When I finally begged my parents to let me see a therapist, they refused and said that I simply needed to pray harder and read more Scripture to “resist the demon” that was tormenting me. All this, combined with my insatiable obsession to please every person and the fear of disapproval had devastating effects on my social life. What if this Christian person found out I was gay? Would they disapprove? I became wary of the way I walked, stood, talked, ate, scratched my ears, everything. Eventually, being around people became one of the most difficult and painful activities, and I only found peace when I was alone. As of right now, I have no friends. None at all. Romantic relationships are not even on my mind because I have already accepted that those are impossible for me. I just wish I could undo my life
Good luck mate, and remember being gay isn't a sin
what happened?
I lost God cause I didn't obey, and was very bad and rebellious...
You sound like someone who really struggles with religious scrupulosity. I am a Christian myself and I have one thing to say to you: No matter what, God loves you. Even if you are gay, he loves you. Even if you make a mistake, despite all that you are going through, he still loves you. Being gay is not a sin but acting on your homosexual desires is. You can easily find a balance between all this. Remind yourself everyday that God loves you. Try and live your life the way you want to (all while abiding to the Ten Commandments) and remember that even if you do make a mistake, even if you do fall in love and enter a relationship with someone of the same sex as you, so long as you go back to God and ask for his forgiveness, he will be all too willing to forgive you and even if you don’t ask for forgiveness he will still keep loving you. Please do not abandon God during these trying times of yours but try your best to fix your scrupulosity and create a healthy relationship with him. I hope my message has helped you in some way. I know I might sound like a broken record now but never forget that no matter what, God loves you as you are.
I was a "good child" and this hits home very hard. I'm not saying I'm perfect or better than anyone else, I just never really felt the desire or need to do something bad or disobedient. The thing is, when I got older, I started to hate myself for doing wrong things; I felt like I was bad because I wasn't perfect. When a "good child" becomes an adult, they internalize EVERYTHING, especially feelings. If you're dating someone, learn to open yourself up with them and be honest with them; this is key to a good relationship as well. My girlfriend did this with me and it helped me a lot. A best friend or sibling would be great people to talk to also.
Yes, i dont think they really understand this. Probably who made this video only thought about the ,,good" children who are really evil and bad inside, they just get punished really hard from their parents. I was good as a kid, and i had none of those problems with my parents.
I feel you, only wish I had a best friend or sibling to talk to
this is so true
Wish I had heard this video when I was growing up. I was a good child. I didn't act out and I kept to myself. This ended up making me a very detached person later on. If I hadn't met the few good people who allowed me to slowly come out of my shell and express myself... I may have gone down a very dark path later in life. Although now that I think about it, I did rebel after I moved out and now my mind is becoming open the world around me. Its made me look at two sides of every argument and take into consideration everything I know about them to that point. I started out as a week kid who got bullied constantly due to my overly nice nature. Taken advantage of constantly. But in recent years, I have managed to become stronger. Both in mind and body. But its only thanks to my friends that even occurred. I shudder to think what would have happened had I not made a single friend.
@Crediblesea 007 dude Im in the same boat, to this day I still have to make a conscious effort to be more forthcoming and a bit of an asshole because if I'm not ill be trampled over
You have just described me! :)
The thing is, be careful on on what you want to be when you grow up. Many grown-ups are always wasting their lives because they spend time on proving their self-worth. You don't have to think of it this way. Growing up is not the problem forgetting is. Don't forget about your childhood. It may die someday, but that doesn't mean you should mourn to it. It is still there. Simply see what's essential with your heart. See with your heart that your childhood is still there for you.
@@georges_biscuit4083 What do you mean that many grown-ups are wasting their lives on spending time on proving their self-worth
(Brazil)
I'm definitely one of those.
-Now, at my adolescence, I am basically the guy who tries to please everybody, and must play nice when not treated that nice in return.
-Sometimes I kinda feel sad for never having done something stupid or regrettable, but I guess that's actually good, or at least the "less worse" of the problems
-I keep "myself" only for me, so that I can be the one to hear others problems
-At the end of the day, I see that I'm sort of imaginative, just like Walter Mitty.
My final point is, somehow, it feels good to see your problems explained and pointed at a video. Don't know how, but now I am way lighter than before. So... Thank you, I guess
I'm a good child that makes A's and is innocent
That's what an adult see's
*I pretend not to know what sex is around adults when I know literally everything dirty*
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SAME
I think that talking about sex can be a little _ccccringy_ anyways lol.
@@dddmemaybe its not its because you are a pervert if you think of the things people say you've watched porn so thats how you see sex.
This.
we
well this was painfully relatable...
I was a "good child". The eldest of three, an honor student, and a bit of a goody-two-shoes. I had few original ideas, and even when I had them, I kept them to myself. My mom was angry or sad a lot of the time, and I did all I could to not make things worse for her.
We lost her 2 years ago to lung cancer. Maybe subconsciously I realized that I didn't need to be nice to avoid burdening her any more. Or maybe I snapped from all those years of playing lawful good.
Now, I'm 29 and I'm going through a rebellious phase, questioning the arbitrariness of corporate work/life culture, and actively remolding my behaviors. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I certainly feel more alive, and feel that my potential to become happy and to bring happiness to others is higher this way.
I know your comment is very old but It's nice to see someone around my age group going through the same thing and sharing their experience. I've been in auto-pilot mode for the longest time now as a result to my "lawful good" upbringing that made me the "good child". Trying to break free from certain habits and confronting some shadows despite the sting. I hope you're doing better now, my journey to self-healing is just the beginning.
Couldn't agree more being a good child and regretting that as an adult.
Good child who was also gifted here. Perfection was everything. Despite this, I didn’t get enough attention as two brothers rebelled and one was special needs. I always felt for the brother of the Prodigal son. Let go when I went to college and got counseling. Turns out by society’s standards, I’m now the bad one!
Hah I'm in the same boat. A rebellious older brother and a special needs younger brother. I actually felt as though my parents seemed to go through a lot of stress dealing with my brothers and so I tried to be as perfect as possible as to not cause them anymore grief. Now I've been diagnosis with adult A.D.D. and my homework's almost always late :'(
Ok, perfect. So now what? How do you overcome this? How can you be more in touch with your needs and your inner self? I'm 24, the damage is already done and the more I try the more unchangeable it appears to be.
Erik Recio Start with this book called conquering shame and codependency
Mr Robot You're a miserable person I see. Quit projecting that shit onto other people
im 19 and ive been starting to feel the same. no one seems to understand unless they are or have been in the situation through to the age of majority themselves. at 19 everyone just tells me to move out but parents, money, and college (i live at home) just dont make it possible right now. but even moving out only fixes part of the issue. i guess im young but i dont know anyone that has had this mindset that has unlearned it. i myself feel hopeless about it. one can try to start and figure out what their plan is but its hard and nearly impossible when ones life is being controlled.
sometimes i feel like the only solution would be to find other people in a similar situation who are willing to go through the process together and provide each other support for when the parental support system falls through becausw of disobedience. but i dont know that many people and is it worth losing resources at this point?
sorry im sort of venting now. i feel like other people in this comment section understand so LOL
Mr Robot i feel that way often.
Danielle Bertulfo I don't know if you use reddit but I'm almost inclined to start a subreddit to provide support like you said.
Solution: Be a good person with strong argumentative skills, and a willingness not to conform if you see a lack of consistency. You can achieve a nice midpoint between both worlds.
Very true. I think the good kids usually don't fall into peer pressure and tend to do their own thing. I know I never conformed. I was always the more level headed person out of my friends. They thought I was a goodie goodie. Perhaps I was, but I never saw the point in doing the things they wanted to do. I saw the danger of two 13 year old girls taking the train to LA, so I declined to go. It was never lack of fun, it was always having a better mindset at such a young age. I'm still cautious as an adult, but I know the aftermath of my choices fall on me, and not on my family. Its different as a child when you've seen your parents dealing with so much, you don't want to add to it.
steffieweffie YOUR COMMENT. YOUR COMMENT IS MY LIFE.
I'm twelve-years-old, and, really, I don't feel in need to be 100% good to please the others. And it is not like lack of fun, neither a mental illness. I just don't feel in need to be a rebel who pitch the walls or something like this.
And, of course, while I have a good relationship with my teacher, all my classmates see me as a steriotype of perfection who needs to be perfect all the time and will judge me for every mistake I make. And that's the thing that makes the good children nervous.
great comment, thank you
Luillipop what I've learned over the years is that people will always judge you no matter what. Do the things that make you happy. When you've accepted your flaws and the person you are, nobody can use that against you.
"they have no experience of other people beeing able to tolerate their badness"
That hits me, because it's incredibly true. I hate it when I make a mistake or anything what's not correct and then any people say "what? you made a mistake? I thought you don' make mistakes?!" I'm hearing this sentence my whole life and I hate them.
Yes, I make everything correct, because you don't let me making faults!
I just want to be accepted, how I am :-(
Also, the unwillingness to question authority, even if it must be done.
I'm literally in tears, I wish I understood this before...
"Following the rules won't get you very far in adult life". You are conflating a lack of creativity with following the rules. "The rules" of the workplace are, generally speaking, to contribute to the team and play well with others while offering unique solutions to problems that arise.
@Skooma Cat well, yes, but there is certain amount of acceptable rebellion
@Umbuko DaJuko Everyone is different. Some people would rather work a 9-5, clock out, and leave their work at the door. We need all types of people in the world, and some are more comfortable being told "place that widget there" than figuring out where the widget goes and telling people where to put it. However, as the moddle class continues to shrink into non-existence, this model becomes less and less useful.
isn't your username should be Hairy Testicles instead?😄
I've always been that good kid and still am and don't have abusive parents and I love my life. I also don't do it to please someone but my self because I want to have a good future.
Non abusive parents are capable of raising healthy good kids. Your parents are the best and your generations are blessed.
it doesn't sound like you grew up with the dynamic described in the video of the domineering and cowering parent duo.
Being a good child and being a "good child" are different.
Good child means you fight for the good and have a proper reasoning while being a "good child" is about blind obedience and blindly following others expectations even if they are way to unrealistic.
reading and agreeing with these comments...i wish we could all give our younger selves a hug right now