Neediness vs Needs
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- Опубліковано 30 чер 2024
- I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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My counselor and I talk about this a lot. She says I should work on fulfilling my own needs. I have put my needs onto the shoulders of others and when they don't respond the way I want, I am crushed. It's so hard because I feel like it doesn't count when I love myself or say nice things to myself. I want it from others. Tough work.
I feel just the same. The thing is I truly think that loving yourself is a start but not enough. No love for yourself can ever fill the need for attention and affection from other people.We are social creatures so we are dependand on the love and attention from others. But recently I feel like it became "uncool" to show affection to other people and make them feel good about themselves. I don't know why that is but maybe capitalism is to blame for it...
I personally believe no amount of work you can do for yourself will make you less lonely. It's a void you can't fill on your own. Pets can help though.
Bethany Pagel I feel the exact same way.
Yeah exactly. There are needs that we can't meet ourselves. Yet people suppress these and nobody wants to talk about it. Forget about men and talking about problems, it's hard enough to even make friends. It's not the live I want yet I'm unsure how to get past it.I can't imagine it's needy to feel that something important is missing and for me it's people I'm close to and who I can trust.
As a male and having this problem, people call it arrogant and narcissistic. It's bullshit if I have to give myself affirmation because no one else does in a way I need.
I would love you to dive deeper into this topic as with BPD I am constantly torn between the perception of, "Are my standards for how I'm being treated high enough?" & "I'm expecting too much!" leaving me feeling needy.
I needed this. Lol no seriously. I've been struggling with this because I'm a highly agreeable person to the point it's ruining my life and relationships because it takes too long for me to stand up for myself and people don't like seeing me set boundaries. I get treated like crap when I try to set up boundaries with my husband and it's just wrecking our lives. Sucks being with someone so obtuse. It sucks that I haven't felt my needs being met or even acknowledged. Nice how to know how to not be as attached 🙌🏻
I'd love you to dive deeper into this topic and share your thoughts with us. I'm in the middle of a so called attachtment/deattachment therapy. Thank you for your effort!
Omg my therapist and I were talking about this yesterday because I was having a day, and she said that I was being needy! Lol. Definitely if you have more to say I'd love to hear it! Thanks Kati!
I especially worry about being too needy when it comes to therapy - maybe the situation of being there specifically to get help from another person feels strange and "needy" when it's really not, it's just normal needs.
Thank you for this Kati. I can't tell you how often this has come up in therapy. I've been told I have an avoidant attachment style because of emotional incest/neglect and child sexual abuse but I still struggle with it. I often feel guilty asking to have my needs met. I feel like I'm a burden and shouldn't need anyone, which I know is unrealistic. It creates unnecessary anxiety and makes me questions my relationships because I have a hard time trusting that others actually WANT to be there for me.
I've done all of the "you have to love yourself first" things a million times over. I live alone, designed a clean living space for myself, buy myself flowers (literally), treat myself to doing my nails, indulge in good food while watching my favorite TV shows, go for walks alone along a beautiful lake, etc... Do I still feel lonely? YES. The only time I feel really fulfilled and happy is when I'm in a relationship and that person and I are really close and shower each other with affection and reassuring, loving words often. I honestly don't understand how to get this same type of fulfillment alone. I don't think I am personally able to.
Courtney Fleischman how about reaching out to friends or family? Widening your social circle with quality friends might fulfill that feeling of being lonely without having to specifically be in a relationship. Or maybe finding other people that love doing what you love to do as a hobby!
I can definitely relate to this feeling. I love spending time with myself and taking care of me but it’s natural as people to feel lonely. Making attachments outside of ourselves is healthy and a primitive need.
Eloquently put, Kati! My question: what do you do in the exact opposite situation? How do you---when you are used to taking care of yourself---learn to accept help from others? How do you learn to be vulnerable? How do we effectively let others in, when we are used to taking care of ourselves? As always, thank you for your videos. Your videos have been a great help to me, and I have been able to pass them on to others. Thank you.
Hej Kati ! :) I'm student of 5th year of clinical psychology from Poland. I'm watching all your movies and preparing to half an year internship in hospital in Sri Lanka. Thank you for your amazing job! I wish I had in my university proffesors with that passion to psychology as yours. Regards
I needed this so much!!
I am glad I could be helpful :) xoxo
This is why I love you Kati :)
Saumya Sawleshwarkar was this a pun? 😏
Saumya Sawleshwarkar I needed this so much too. I'm very quick to act on impulse/emotions. I need to remind myself that it is ALWAYS worth it to stop and breath or meditate before lashing out. I usually realize things aren't as they seem and I don't need to overreact.
Madeleine Benson 😂😂
Omg 1) I got this while at my therapist so I couldn't watch right away 😞😭 2) We talked about this today but she made me confused and right now I'm in a place I fear thee most. 3) I love and needed this today. 4) I love and respect you so much!!! 5) Whom ever disliked this video I feel like you NEED a hug 🤗 and some love ❤️ and my NEEDINESS to give you that is deeper than the ocean 🌊. 😊😉. Much love and respect XxMeli tons of ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💋💋💋💋💋 I am feeling bleh and down but Kati always makes my day better! The work she is doing is remarkable and truly selfless and noble she is my mental health super hero!!
This is a topic that really needs (no pun intended) expanding. So many relationships suffer because of someone who is too needy, clingy and depends upon others to have their emotional needs met. I speak as someone who left home at 18 because of severe trauma and abuse and then turned to my friends to open up and then wondered why they disappeared one by one. It took me years before I realised I needed to see a therapist. I’m 57 now. I’ve spent my life since working on myself and I have good healthy boundaries, and more importantly I’ve learned to discern between talking to friends for genuine help and support and when it’s time to book an appointment with my therapist. As a result of all of this work I’ve developed an amazing network of healthy relationships.
My weakness that I have to watch is that my natural way of being in the world is that I’m a good listener and an empath. This, unfortunately attracts needy, clingy people who have yer to begin the work on themselves.
I had an experience recently whereby a friendly acquaintance who I met through a writing group, began to talk to me about her deeply personal, traumatic issues. She was massively overly disclosing in an unsolicited way, telling me about what was going on in her therapy sessions. In essence she was using me as a therapist just as I had done many years earlier. I told her a little bit about my past problems of offloading onto my friends and how they all disappeared and kept saying she was doing the right thing to take all this stuff to her therapist. I must have said it a dozen times but she didn’t get it. When I set a boundary because it became too much for me and it was interfering with the writing weekend that we were on, she stormed off and became very moody towards me. I must confess to being quite taken aback by her reaction. If one of my friends had set a boundary toward me I would have respected it, both then (in my youth) and now. I’ve never had a problem respecting boundaries. My boundary problems were around understanding that I was entitled to my own boundaries.
Sadly this woman kept pushing my boundaries. After the writing weekend was over she kept bombarding me with messages about her emotional turmoil and stuckness. I should have ignored them but I sent a message explain that I didn’t want to keep in touch and that I felt that she was trying to use me as a therapist. I said (again) that she was doing the right thing taking this stuff to her therapist and I wished her well in her life. I was gobsmacked when she replied by saying that it was very rude of me to mention she was seeing a therapist!
I haven’t responded and will sever contact.
I feel bad about how this has ended, but reflecting back on how I used to be, minus the clinginess of course, I can see why my incessant talking about my problems drove my friends away. It was too much for them. They had neither the life skills or professional skills to help me.
But the real point is this. I needed to learn to help myself. My therapist helped me to learn to help myself. I no longer burden people with stuff that I take to my counsellor. I lean on my friends appropriately.
Actually, just saying that makes me think that would be a good idea for a new video subject. When is it ok to turn to your friends for emotional support and when due you need to seek professional help?
I have hard time convincing myself that I'm allowed to show needs or make requests to other people. When I grew up (a long time ago) I did not feel safe to do either. Needs and emotions were the exclusive right of someone else in the household. After I moved out, I didn't know when and how to ask for help. I've been aware of the situation for a some years now and trying to learn, but I'm already so old that it feels too late to change anything in my life. Sometimes when I manage to make some harmless request, as it only makes me bitter of the wasted years when I was too ashamed to open my mouth.
I really needed to hear this!!
In the past I've always lashed out, and I can see how I emotionally wanted my person to fulfill impossible needs that I didn't recognize.
Thank you SO much!
CONGRATS on 400k! I have been watching for a “while” and I am so happy that you’ve gotten so far - mostly because I love watching your videos :)))
OMG this video comes RIGHT on time! Couldn't be more helpful!
This was such perfect timing, I definitely needed this.
I would love to hear more about the theme in depth... I know you have videos on dependency/boundaries but feel like there's so many more details to discuss!
Thank you for continually posting helpful content!!
Anybody with challenges in this area needs about 5 more of these vids.
I'm having trouble with the conceptuals. I meet all the physical needs I have myself, so what's left are the things that I must get at some level from others......but the theme of this vid seemed to be that we must meet our needs ourselves. More please.
Thank you for what you are doing! This is SO helpful, so uplifting, general but needed... you are doing a great job! I am learning and growing from watching your videos! I also noticed that you said your main love language is Words of Affirmation, that is mine too! Someone recently told me I was being needy, and I did NOT know how to handle it, especially because I havent been feeling fulfilled. My point is that this video popped up like 2 days later so I can watch and learn a little more about how to more appropriately conduct myself in my relationships... what a process! I want to wrap up saying thank you for the work you are doing with these videos. Thank you for being you! It is very helpful :)
Oh my gosh!!This came at the perfect time! I'm doing this in my healing currently! So wonderful and helpful! Thank you Kati!!
I needed this SOOOOO much!!! You've made a man cry today!
Also Katie, I just started watching your videos a couple weeks ago and it's been such an awesome staple to my healing combined with DBT. ♡ Thank you so much for all you do!
Yes,please talk more about this topic.
Super helpful hearing an example of the language to use to communicate/share a healthy need with others. I find that where I get stuck having no reference in how to communicate from a place of healthy groundedness. Great video!
Self-awareness is massive in understanding your needs. It's also important to effectively communicate your needs and to the ones closest to you who can assist. thanks for another great video
Thank you! This is a topic that I have been thinking about a lot. Would love to hear more about this!
I feel like I have relationship needs of my partner, but what I have to do is frame this into my own context. I need to be able to express my needs to my partner and if they can't be met, I need to accept that or conclude that I need a different relationship.
Loved the video. That's actually something that I think about a lot too. I would love more information on it. I find that I have a hard time knowing what I need most of the time.
I am reminded of Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs, which I was taught in college. Glad she does not mention it as I believe it is false. People have different priorities of needs.
I appreciate the videos content a lot! Thank you! I like how clear you can explain things and what you communicate. What I don't like is the new style of the video, I think it's too dark and I actually like looking at your cute face all over my screen when you talk. The way you talk and your energy make me feel loved, respected and accepted and when I can look into your eyes it makes me feel like you are actually talking to me as if you were a friend. :)
Thank you for this!! You are great ❤️
Wow this is amazing feed back. Knowing how you need love is important but also doing the work yourself. Every time I watch Kati my mind is blown!!!!! ❤️👍❤️👍Excellent content always!!
This is really cool, I've been trying to figure out how to communicate my mental needs lately and journaling. Glad to know I'm on the right track!
This is the 3rd time I've watched this video, and each time it's just enhanced what I'm learning about needs, neediness and attachment. I wish i didn't feel so embarrassed about some of my neediness, embarrassed that i get lonely. I wouldn't hold that against someone else - we all have needs and one is for companionship! Kati, more videos on this topic would be most welcome:)
I can identify with this. I can be needy in my own way. I can empathize with a needy person, as long as they don't focus all their needs on me. I can understand their pain. This is a good topic.
Oh goody! Yes please for digging deeper!
This is awesome! I have a family member who says she's here for me whenever I need anything such as talk or an actual object. I want to tell her things and talk with her but I never know how much or how little to say. And how often to call or text her. This video helped a lot! Thank you ❤️❤️
This video was extremely eye opening for me.
thank you for this video! You really helped me calm down my anxieties that flared up today.
This helps a lot. I really appreciate your videos. Thanks Kati!
Long time viewer, first time commenter! I started by watching certain videos of yours over and over. Selectingthe ones I felt I needed to hear.. THIS video really helped me to communicate what I need in order to feel.. calm? That's the feeling I feel once my girlfriend or even my manager at work tells me I've gone "Good" or "right".
I always felt like it was selfish; even weird of me to ask for "praises". This has helped me to feel a little more human, hehe. Thank you so much for what you bring your audience. I'm sure you've saved many lives like you have mine in our darkest hours.
This was so helpful...thank you! 💜 I would love it if you made more videos about this topic!
Yes, please do more about this topic. I'm really wondering what this looks like in a work situation. Thanks!
I agree ... just telling people what you need is the best way. Whole other problem when they dont really rem though. But asking is better than hinting for sure. Thank you ☺
I have been working on boundaries a lot recently and I think neediness goes hand in hand with this.
I have a physical disability so, this subject gets a bit 'muddy' at times. My neediness can overlap my needs very quickly
dig into it deeper! would love another video on this
Thank you for this video Kati! 💛 Please dig into it deeper!
Yes, please do more with this topic
Thank you so much for your channel you amazing !
Thank you very much for the video, Kati. I'd love for you to dig deeper into it, specifically the part about how best to assert our needs without completely expecting them from others.
Your channel is interesting and I'm happy I found it. Thank you for taking time out of your day to run the channel
Of course! I am so glad that you enjoy the content! xoxo
Hi Katie, thank you for taking the step in de stigmatizing mental health. I am also a MFT and I am passionate about educating the community in taking charge of their own mental well being.
Hey Kati! I'm 17 and began suffering with an eating disorder about 3 years ago - nobody knew about it, and I was carrying out any behaviour I could without being caught. It was a spiral. I used to journal after hearing you say how helpful it can be, and it is! But my parents found my journal when I was at school one day, so made me sit down and explain what was going on. They then booked me a doctors appointment (NHS as I'm in UK). The system is RIDICULOUS and the nurse said the waiting list for an eating disorder therapist is 2-3 years depending on how 'ill' you are🙄. But she also said that she, herself, specialises in mental health, so agreed to see me as her own eating disorder patient. I have appointments every other week for about 20 minutes and it just isn't enough. I've told her that, but she can't see me any more often. To avoid the big waiting list, the only other option for help is group therapy. But it would take me an hour to get there, and an hour to get back and with college I just can't do it. There's also no 1-1 support in that case. It's purely just group, and she's said I'm too far down the line for that - I need 1-1 support and monitoring, so without that I'd just end up declining and being hospitalised like other patients she's sent there before, and inpatient just can't happen for me - especially because I can't miss college. I'm struggling and it's hard to get anywhere with such little session time. The college counsellor is a no go - she's manipulating and patronising and the opposite of support basically! College also makes it hard and I hate it so much -the stress of it is horrendous. I have a tutor who knows what's going on and she's incredibly helpful, so I'm lucky in that sense. But I'm going back down hill in a relapse and I feel stuck in a cycle with no option and I don't know what to do! Do you have any advice at all? I'm sorry for the length of this, but thank you so much for your time- I know you must be extremely busy. Thank you again for all you do :) J x
This was great, Kati!! Would love a video on establishing/reinforcing boundaries in relationships xx
great question. great answer. words of affirmation: great job!
Wow this was so helpful! What I'm going through is now a lot clearer. Could you maybe talk about this more in depth? Like why am I needy and how to stop, because it's very difficult to stick to boundaries when i feel i NEED the "attention" from whomever I'm attached to at that moment. Love you sooo much! So helpful. You're changing lives
Kati!
Recently something triggered me to feel as if I am 17 again (I'm 23 now) a lot happened to me when I was 17, my eating disorder developed, I had my first breakup (it was VERY intense for me) and I found my dad on the ground passed out after he attempted suicide (he tried to overdose with pills and we called the ambulance just in time to save him). My counselor said that sometimes if you've had trauma you can get "stuck" in that age in a way. Could you maybe go more into something like this? I'm really scared because I'm having old behaviors, thought, etc. I'm much more aware of this now, so I'm working hard not to let it control me, but it's still there and I don't like it.
Thanks, Kati!!
Yes we can be arrested at that age.. something you could read about is being "developmentally arrested due to trauma." I can definitely talk about this in an upcoming video.. but that won't be for a few months because I have already prepped and filmed most of my videos through Sept. xoxo
Kati Morton Can you make a video about mental health and giftedness/loneliness please
Courtnay S. I'm grateful you put this into words. This honestly explains why I feel so childish. Because of all the trauma I went through as a child I had to "grow up" at an early age.. thank you so much for asking this.
Courtnay S. So much drama at such a young age could move a person to make decisions to help others get through similar situations. You could help yourself forgive life by discovering what you wanted out of the situation instead of what happened by thinking about the specific event and modifying the situation until you find joy or happiness. This exposes who you really are so you can accept yourself. Don't beat youself up for natural reactions to circumstances. It's ok.
Depersonalization disorder
This is a great topic and I would like to see more videos regarding this issue. Perhaps from the perspective of feeling like others around you (family, friends, coworkers) are super needy feel free to expect things from you all the time.
Thank you!
This was so helpful, thank you!
Great Video Kati, thank you. x
great video ! would love more on this !!
I would love more on this!
Great video, please go deeper into the the topic of neediness, both being needy and attracting needy people, and how to deal. Thanks!
Please do more on this! I especially would like to know more on attachment. How do you know when your having unhealthy attachment issues?... what do you do about it? Is it possible for that void to never be filled even when your doing the work to meet your needs?
This was very helpful!
OMG, such an important video ! 🙏🏼
So needed this perfect timing
Yay! I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
My Family studies teacher in school always told us to think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs when we think we need something. then decide what are real needs and what are wants
Hey kati!
So I have a problem; I have very intense anxiety when it comes to "adulting". I moved out at 18 and since living on my own I feel like I am WAY behind. Every little appointment, bill, due date or any little daily task you need to do stresses me out so much to the point i get negative intrusive thoughts like "you're a failure". "Youre going to ruin your life and credit and school and work because youre incapable of being a responsible adult". I constantly get so anxious about the smallest thing, and I usually relieve it with numbers. I calculate my expenses v/s my income over and over again, go through the steps of each day a thousand times before bed, and find myself double checking my alarms, test question answers (even when im sure they're correct) etc... Im so tired...and I have no idea how to accept imperfections....but I end up failing my expectations regardless because I get so stressed I worry myself into depression that is so crippling I can't stop sleeping, crying and feeling like giving up. I have anger outbursts, panic attacks, depression and ive been a person I dont even know anymore! How do I break this cycle?
i would love more videos on this topic, maybe one specifically dealing with how exactly to fulfill those needs yourself? that feels a little daunting to me right now, but i want to make sure i'm not relying on others too much.
this is kind of along the same lines, but i'd love to see a video about validation from others and what's healthy and what's not,. i've struggled with that a lot the past couple years and i'm never sure when the validation i want is okay.
I'd love to hear you talk more about this and more about attachment.
I need more on this...like what if your partner disagrees with your needs ..do you give in to make them happy or give in and be unhappy your self.or choose to end it
Thankyou katie👍👍
You are so welcome :) xoxo
Awesome video Kati!💚
great stuff!!
Makes me want to cry.
Hey Kati! You mentioned attachment in this video. Could you possibly do a video on that please? Particularly adult attachment types, as I feel that it's not as often talked about. Thank you! ♥️
Awesome video. Important topics. I would love to see more videos on these subjects that go in more detail. Thank you for making this video, and sharing it.
What about sexual needs, intimacy, and physical needs? I understand that all of these things may be different for different people.
I was just talking about this with my therapist earlier this week.
This is something I've noticed myself doing. Anxious ambivalent attachment from emotional trauma as a kid from my mum, find myself messaging my ex looking for a response.
Kati can you do something on religious OCD specifically on blasphemous thoughts. And the urges and patterns in the brain please do a video. Love your video's xxx
Again interesting content thnx.
please dig into this deeper, I find this super interesting!
deeper!!
This was just great, i totally agree... but im really struggling now
I video Kati, very helpful. ♥️
Please, do dive in deeper. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the situation I've been in pretty much all my adult life. My love languages are physical touch (extremely high score) closely followed by spending time together. Combined with naturally high libido this presented a real challenge in my relationships (including a 2-decades long marriage).
For the past year I've been involved with a much younger girl who has a BPD (thank you SO MUCH for the videos on that topic!) and a childhood sexual abuse trauma that she doesn't want to *ever* talk about. Even asking for a simple touch is often viewed as a push to having sex and is aggressively rejected :(
Unlike "words of affirmation" there's really a limit to how much I can "take care of this on my own", TBH (or am I totally wrong about that? And masturbation is definitely not the same as cuddling).
I'm trying to figure out if I'm in need or am I needy?
Thank you
In relation to this, I think where I struggle most is better understanding how to feel it's okay to ask for help and admit I can't do something by myself and also balancing the idea that I need to take care of my own needs by myself and that I shouldn't rely on others to do things for me. I feel like for many people, they may find my confusion hard to relate to, but, I have struggled since elementary school to understand how and when I can ask for help and conversely, when I fall into unhealthy neediness of others to do things for me. For me, I can't untangle these two things so I often feel like I have to be completely self-reliant in all things at all times and asking anyone to do something that benefits me is not good.
Does anyone here understand or relate to this?
I find this very helpful, could you (related to this) maybe talk about how to deal with RSD?
I'm an anxious-preoccupied (aka anxious-ambivalent) who just "lost" a relationship w/ a dismissive-avoidant (aka anxious-avoidant).
As an anxious-preoccupied [Myers Briggs] ISFJ, I've always been too scared to ask for what I need in relationships. I've always been afraid of directly expressing [to ANYONE] any need/feeling/thought (as - in my attachment history - that'd directly lead to "abandonment").
Unfortunately, the dismissive-avoidant I was dating HATED my indirect way of speaking my needs (etc.) & my emotional reactions (which he labeled as "behaviors" & as not "like an adult").
Kati
Thank you for sharing this video!
I'll keep what I have to say short-
What I'm struggling with is how to "take things slow." Each relationship I've been in it seems like I've dove right in... I'm seeing someone currently who I really like and I've already cried a couple of times and I feel vulnerable...what can I do to slow down and feel more comfortable with showing him my emotional side?
I don't ask for help out of fear of being needy.
My needs these days are basically acknowledgement of my existence i.e. say hello to me. That's what I need to know so that I know I can stay "here".
I’ll have to listen to this again, it didn’t make sense the first time through.
Love your videos! Also I have a question, how should I explain my social anxiety to my friends? They don't believe me and don't see any difference between social anxiety and shyness and they think I'm just really shy around people but it's so much more than that. Thanks Kati!
My mother expected me to fill her emotional needs and to not have any of my own... completely drowning me. Now it is very hard for me to allow myself to have needs and to fill them. Even then I am often clueless to what I should do. A lot of trial and error. Sometimes I feel like I am learning a completely different language. But I am getting better.
That feeling when you try to do the love language test but you don't have anyone to love
How do you move on from something that’s always on your mind and you know even trying to move on won’t work. I know what I want will happen in a few years and I don’t want this stuck in my head for YEARS.