"Flying Monkeys:" Understanding Abuse By Proxy - Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- Опубліковано 9 тра 2019
- Trauma can result from any circumstance that outweighs your ability to cope. Simply put, the event is terrifying, unnerving, and unexpected. For many of us, unexpected events can bring a host of anxious thoughts and feelings including depressed mood.
In this video, I discuss another phenomenon in traumatic relationships known as Abuse By Proxy or "Flying Monkeys."
In case you're wondering:
the idea behind the term “flying monkeys” is that an individual intends to send others out to do their dirty work. The term was developed in the novel The Wizard of Oz when the witch sent her “winged monkeys” to do the dirty work.
I welcome your comments and questions!
My previous article on triangulation mentioned in the video:
blogs.psychcentral.com/caregi...
Helpful resources:
1. Adult children of emotionally immature parents (book by Lindsay Gibson)
2. My article on family therapy: blogs.psychcentral.com/caregi...
3. Dr. Simon on predatory aggression:
• Understanding Predator...
4. The Power Of Others: m.barnesandnoble.com/p/the-po...
5. Bonded to the abuser: m.barnesandnoble.com/p/bonded...
-----Contact me------
I'm Támara, a licensed and nationally certified mental health therapist, with over 11 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me, you may email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com.
Mail me stuff!
PO Box 113
Bridgeville, PA 15017
Social media:
Twitter - @therapisttee
Website - www.anchoredinknowledge.com
Blog - blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers
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*New videos Mondays & Fridays with a periodic bonus video on Wednesdays!
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@Ella Rose thank you!! I will watch this and then repost for others.
Exactly, the best explanation.
@melodie thank you!!
I've been going through this for many years and they never stop, do they ever stop???!!! very abusive and unacceptable. Would changing location helps the situation? or they will recruit other flying monkeys where ever I go? in my experience there has been an endless amount of people who had participated, and obviously it's very discouraging.
People who use abuse by proxy are chicken shit. My sister does this to people. She uses other people to abuse you, then sits back like “she” had nothing to do with it. Disgusting.
Exactly exactly my sister does the same also very well written and extremely accurate
this is true they act like they have nothing to do with it.
This is abuse that is being passed down in my family. I got proxy abuse done by my mom onto my siblings. Continues today in my 70s but is being passed down through my niece who is using her one child to proxy abuse to her x husband. This has gone all the way to the courts. My problem is my mind has been so attacked by my siblings that it’s so unhealthy. There is no bringing awareness to my relatives. My siblings use their husbands to severely gaslight, lie and do covert verbal abuse. My brother plays the victim role so I will apologize over an issue that is not real or true. The more I try to expose, the more I’m attacked. I need to stop dealing with them.
@@peggypaine4471 Hi Peggy, for some reason I got notified with your reply, sorry to hear all this. Could you just leave that place and stop dealing with these people? very upsetting to hear you have to go through still. you need to chill and enjoy life more. greetings x take care
Flying monkeys is from the movie the wizard of oz. The workers who enable or rather help the abusers.
Everything you said is so real and it has been going on for years in my life now. Those abusers consider themselves to be above the law and in their arrogant entitlement believe they can destroy other people’s lives for whatever sake they appoint worthy. Pure evil at work. Thank you
%100 pure evil
This was refreshing. One thing I want to add is that sometimes it’s the person with the lower power position that is the covert abuser who manipulates the person with more power (husband making money, gay partner boss), and some use the social standing of being more socially engaged as the system of weaponization. Yes, scary that they use the societal systems for abuse by proxy - these systems were developed by covert abusers of the worst kind and the continued ignorance about covert Cluster B allows for continued abuse by proxy.
Thank you Jessica! I'm glad this was helpful!
Thank you for highlighting and mentioning this. Important point.
This is sooooosooooo good. Thank you for covering this. I have been under thisd kind of abuse with my brother and it took me a few "trips" around the block to see it.
Thank you so much for your comment! I'm really glad that you got what you did out of the video.
As I was doing the video I could see in my mind's eye a few people in my history who I can apply this concept to. Believe it or not, while I have professional knowledge of these topics, the other % is personal experience.
Took years for me to figure all of it out. Once you learn about this it can empower you. One thing I found to remember.. Stay in integrity and don't react as everything you do will be used. Its easy to come unglued and lose it but that is what they hope for. An old saying in this abuse is ...their actions are their Karma...your reactions are your Karma. Stay focused no matter how elaborate or crafty the abuse is as the more you keep it together and take correct actions rather than the train wreck of emotions the better off you'll be. Not always but sometimes things will come around and after many years you might even see justice but part of that justice might just be you didn't feed them by your reactions. Years ago I had a girlfriend that was physically abusive. I would never hit, punch or abuse back. After nearly being severely injured by an object I left. I look back on it and know what would have happened to me as a man if I had given blows to the body of a woman compared to the ones given to me. Sadly these power differentiation can be certain societal dynamics. A woman can be rewarded for beating a man where as a mans life would be over if he struck her back after a beating. Reactions and allowing their carefully crafted efforts to get you out of integrity or reactiveness is a lottery win for them. I learned that the geared manipulation and mental tactics that started early in the day were the prelude to the physical. It was a plan...work you over mentally and emotionally...get you all worked up...hit you in hopes you'll hit back. A plan to destroy a man. Just one example of how these types people work. Many abused end up down down at the bar, publicly shamed financially or otherwise ruined. They are master manipulators. Consider it their Phd I've discovered.
PhD in assholery for sure
By far this is the most practical, detailed, accurate outline of abusive behaviours by proxy, also pressure campaign, smear campaign etc. Its so insidious that targets can be left feeling hopeless, powerless, afraid of sounding paranoid etc. You nailed the bottom line succintly; POWER DIFFERENTIAL used by abusers as leverage. I can't express how much this underlines the value of this video as a means of support, awareness, and validation. Abuse /exploitation of power differential is a great lens with which to examine many many societal issues/ macro level as well as interpersonal dynamics. I feel all women/ girls especially should explore better understanding of this topic to avoid victim shaming/ victim mentality as well. You ARE NOT CRAZY when these things don't sit right with you for GOOD reason, yet how many individuals have the awareness/ psycological vocabulary to become aware let alone process these things? Thank you so much for this important excellent work Tamara. Please continue to explore this topic
FYI my experience is in the workplace, via toxic peers, and yes I need the job, just to illustrate how applicable /wide ranging situations of people you help.
manipulators dont just prey in intimate relationships.
Thank you for such a detailed review of this video's main point! So well said. And you are welcome. It is a pleasure to share what I know personally and professionally about this topic! You are right when you say that we need more awareness.
Engineering situations . Omg thank u so much. My mother did this so many times. Thank u so much for giving me a name for it
My mom uses mental health facilities to control me by proxy
I'm so sorry. Some parents do because they don't know what else to do or they know it can be a punishment to be in the care and supervision of strangers. That's sad.
What a powerful topic you have chosen to discuss. There are so many abuses by proxy that I can see. But the way Penal system is being used to abuse young black men and women is the most outstanding.
Thank you Thomas!
I couldn't agree more. I'm doing further research into this to see if there are research studies on racial and cultural abuse by proxy. This is very needed.
Wow I never heard off this term before.
Today I learned something new.
This woman should be the next president of the United States
hahahahah Thanks so much Walter! I consider that an honor.☺
Mr Too Good to Be True
@8:30 ["they may intentionally become friends with someone that's your enemy..."] Wow. smh... I opened up a Pinterest page back in 2012. I looked up an old middle school "friend" on it. Hadn't thought about her in years. I moved to another state during high school. I thought we had been good friends and I cared about her a lot as a kid, like a sister. But she would make digs at me, laugh when others would call me fat, and make smart ass remarks. Broke my heart back then.
Anyways, I finally had enough in 8th grade and straight-up asked her, "If she was jealous of me. And if she was I just didn't understand it, there was nothing about me to be jealous of." After that day she never talked to me again. I had one main bully in middle school and she knew because I told her what he would do to me.
So back to 2012. I looked her up on Pinterest. The only person she was following from middle school on Pinterest was my bully.... Don't know if she befriended him in high school [unlikely because she was a year younger than me] or if she did that on purpose but yeah.... smh.... wish I could wipe that person from my memory completely... Really glad I was out of school by the time social media became big... ugh.. that would have pure hell.
Yes this was so helpful and so on point. I have liked and shared. Thank you, for sharing your knowledge. You are like an emotional paramedic! Please keep on sharing and thus helping!❤
Thank you 🤗 I'm glad this was helpful to you!
Tamara you are the"bomb " this is exactly what I experienced navigating the system as a teenager. No matter how much l tried to explain myself. This abuse by proxy was not heard. It made me feel as if l was the one to blame for the abuse i was experiencing. This is a perfect example of how abuse is projected.which to me is a form of gaslighting/ scapegoating of the abusers realiry of facing the truth in the matter at hand. This was heartbreaking to me to know our society practice in this way🤔I'm hopeful in a shift in consciousness as well as conversation. I'm grateful for this session/ conversation. I think it is key💖 thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom concerning this topic 💯
Thank you so much Carmelo! I'm really glad that you found it to be similar to a “counseling session.” LOL. Mass counseling is what someone asked me to do a year ago and I found it hilarious! 🙊
But I'm also really sorry to hear that you had to be a part of the system like that. I think we have one of the coldest and unsympathetic systems in the world. Yes, we are the United States, and we have some good features. But for people of color, children, the homeless, and other vulnerable populations, being heard and fully understood is foreign. It's sad to think that a system could use you and take control of your life. But I saw a lot of this in the residential treatment facilities I worked in for children and teens years ago.
Once in the system, it's almost hard to get out or be heard.
One of the best descriptions I've heard thus far, no one has ever explained it from a systematic perspective. Thanks so much!
Thanks so much! Glad this was helpful!
Tamara, thank you so much for being so diligent in your education.
This experience is the most painful of my life. Mainly because it keeps happening in waves/hoards every few years. Every time I feel people have moved on and are going to let me grow, it all begins again.
I have barely been allowed to grow and develop mentally or artistically in my life. I am barely ever allowed space or time to heal from heartbreaks or injuries. I am never told the full truth about what info or rumors is being spread about me. Continually forced by hateful family and those they have turned to sit back, let my talents go to waste, and watch others surpass me. If I dare try, I get punished brutally. I am almost thirty and they just will not let me be. So infantilizing, draining, and painful.
What can those of us dealing with this do to be free and convince others / the system of our truth and innocence?
Thank you for addressing this topic. Have a great weekend!
You're welcome! Thanks for eatching.
You too!
I heard this at the right time! Thank you I’m going through hell right now!
I'm so sorry. That's tough.
You're welcome!
Thank you so much for this Tamara, I'm new to your channel, This is absolutely tremendous, Speaks volumes, Peace, love, Respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe 😃💚💛❤💙💜🌈🌌🌷👁😇😍🦄🌹🐶🌚🌝♘☘🐉🐎🕊😊👽🌲
Hello there and welcome to the channel!! Thank you! Glad to have you. 😊
@@TherapistTamaraHill You're very welcome Tamara, And thanks again, Peace, love, Respect to you 😃🌌🌈💚💜💙💛😃
🤗🙏
Dealing with this right now
I'm sorry. That's tough.😔
I'm still maintaining no contact! I just laugh at their circus show! Who is responsible and not on drugs or alcohol here? Who actually has been able to hold steady employment for at least five years or more? I'm fully self supporting by my own contributions.
This is forreal!! Thanks for visiting how systems can exploited or can exploit us!
+Jan Jan Thank you!! I'm glad we were able to discuss it.
Wow thank you! Needed this info ❤️😳🧸❤️
You are welcome!
Oh my word tamara thank you for sharing your wisdome and excelent advice. now this is going backwards but ive watch this video and its has once again bown my mind, my mother has used a few of these takticks since i got away from her, she knows im getting support and she also knows she cannot have unsupervised contact with my daughter -she doesnt have any contact) but this was made clear to her by my social worker and its in place because she failed to protect me as a child.
Since i blocked her from any social media i had and also changed my number she has become friends with a ladyloving by her and i was being messaged by this lady telling me how disgusting it is to treat my mother this way when all she has ever done was "help" me. She has build freindshios with my ex partner and his family and the lies being fed to them are outrageous, and causing so many issues for my daughter who now feels insecure because of things she hears wen shes with her dad -this contact has stopped at the moment. But because i managed to avoid biting the nait she recently tried to report me to chdrens services saying that im to unstable to take care of my daughter,however she asked to speak to my social worker and when she did have a telephone conversation she was pouring her heart out about what im doing to her and how i ebkoy destrying everyone i come unto contact with and shes done nothing to deserve being victimised by me, she clealy forgot thay the first time she spoke to my social worker she spoke for an hour about herself and done a full circle going from how she has never done anything wrong and by the time she finished she had talk herself into a corner withexactly where she was failing me and actually admitted this to the same person she was now trying to convince otherwise.
But she was absolutly in dinial about the confrsdion and i was readdured that her game was getting nowhere with the childrens services who have never had concerns about my parenting.
I dont know if this would be abuse by proxy but its very simar i think.
Howabout the WHOLE small community you live in? It happens, they move in and rotate constantly. Family all friends been recruited. Law enforcement and firedept etc. Howabout that?
🙈🙊
I’m having issues with this but I go to the police they tell me to gather my own evidence and when I have video of something they don’t want to see it
sometimes just best to pretend some people are dead and move on with your life somewhere else
Sounds like what I'm dealing with my father pretends like he has nothing to do with the flying monkeys .
Amen!!! Queen these people out here disrespectful family tried to take all my children peole think this is cute 🤬🤬🤬.My mother and family tried to take me out in 2020 wit my neighbor really sad and sicking..
Yeah it is sad when you cannot even trust your own family and think they would rather have you dead or do things to you to try and make you commit suicide... family can be the worst form of enemies out there.
Two components anything and everything they can
My mom definitely did this to me
I'm so sorry. 😔
I am really wondering are these the traits of a narcissist?
Thank you for this great question Geeya6!
Yes. These are traits of a narcissist, a borderline personality, and a sociopath. The scary part is that perfectly "normal" individuals (the undiagnosed or those that dont need a diagnosis) can fall into this category out of anger, revenge, jealousy, or even brief psychosis.
I guarantee if more people cone forward and report his abuse, the tables will turn!
I made the mistake of calling my BIL a flying monkey. I'm white, my husband is Filipino and he accused me of making a racist term. His brother thought it was racist and therefor he thought it was racist. Even our therapist's confirmation that it is NOT a racial term didn’t appease him. Why? Likely bc that is the only thing they can come up with to excuse away their behavior and treatment of me. Ok, I empathize with others so I'll just call it abuse by proxy although I don't think they'll quite understand that either. Your video is spot on in their tactics.
The only thing he has is what Mommy and Daddy gave him! And things that they've stolen from supplies!
I'm not interested in dating a selfish, manipulative, liar and cheater!
TS DW CB
God has a plan for him and all his flying monkeys! Trust and believe that God sees and watches everything! All I have to do is pay a Detective 200 bucks to look into all the cyber stalking and social media accounts! I can do a complete background check and find out everything!
Thus is why so people dump him! Lol
He's a Psychopath so everything is a fake story!