Take These 4 Steps BEFORE Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse (with Daria Zukowska Clinical Psychologist)
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- Опубліковано 26 бер 2023
- The narcissist's voice is in your head. It will coopt and compromise your therapy - and, often, your therapist. Do this BEFORE you attend therapy for narcissistic abuse.
Daria Zukowka's (clinical psychologist) channel: / @dariazukowskapsycholo...
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The narcissist is a con man and you were duped by the dream he sold you. I look at what mistakes I made and how to fix that. I do see the correlation between my childhood abuse/learnt strategies and the abuse I tolerated as an adult. I should have left sooner, rational thinking should have led to that decision. I take full responsibility for trying to make him a better person instead, that controlling behaviour was learnt as a child. You cannot see the red flags when your childhood was so bad and full of fear. I am beginning to heal all my wounds and will never let anyone disrespect me again.
Professor Vaknin. I hope you pause to realize (and pat YOURSELF on the back ) how many people's lives you are saving by sharing your unique perspective and knowlege on this platform. Thank you Sir.
🙏❤
The Narcissist chose me because I let him. I take full responsibility for letting it go on for as long as it did
I feel this
Abuse is NEVER your fault!
@@martineverhulst1070 Yes, it is if you choose not to leave.
@@XPrincess30 Yes to the extent you a able to take responsibility for your contributory actions is perhaps a good start. Be gentle with yourself and we as participants need a hand as we walk out on a pathway to better health. Perhaps that pathway partner should be very dissimilar from the old lover of the past, but resemble a new and different construct for the future. So take some responsibility now seek assistance and move onto a better version and vision in your more meaningful life.
Facts
🇺🇸 After years of therapy, I finally understand why I have remained stuck, why even after an abuser has died, their influence still remains. I have often thought of myself as a victim and can see how that, in itself, can keep me stuck. But, understanding I was victimized is empowering. I turned over my power to the narcissist, became an object and lost my sense of agency. This will never change unless I embrace the idea that I was victimized and allowed this to happen.
The concept that Sam shared about accepting we have contributed to the abuse dynamic and that we are not just victims is so key to get out of that box and prepare for healing. Thanks Sam.
The word here that most resonated with me and which was a wake up call was the word “Inactive” . My mothers mantra to my fathers domestic abuse was “ Just ignore it!” repeated throughout my entire early years growing up, i had no voice, was allowed no voice, So i learned to ignore abuse rather than learning how to healthily respond to abuse,
and that was my inactivity and inability to act in this context , i fawned. Its all i knew
Trauma acts the same way (child abuse) : a part of your brain denies the abuse and so it is ignored in that way for you. Fear is fawned into people pleasing for protection in childhood by default. As an adult this default destroys relationships as you try n protest further predatory abuse, due to an inability to self regulate which was never taught/learned in childhood to have control over you/manipulate the child into chronic emotional and psychological suffering ie you continue to outsource self regulation as person continues to trust the abuser.
Something I would like to contribute is the utter rage of the narc. I responded in fear and freeze at this. It was shocking to me. I contributed by recovering from the freeze to apease the beast. I did leave after realising this was my fear response. Some narcs are dangerous when enraged.
This is so very hard to hear but so very relatable.
This is so succinct. The aftermath and healing journey after a relationship with a narcissist is so complex. Prof Vaknin’s work is so specific and reflects exactly the horror of entering into such a relationship.
When I was in the midst of my relationship I asked my partner repeatedly to go to couples counselling together (he is also a psychotherapist 🤯) his response was alway…. ‘It won’t work, I will tell them what they want to hear’
Knowing what I know now, I’m glad I didn’t pursue this, it would have been yet another excruciating experience with this person. Prof Vaknin gives me hope, I’m almost 2 years out and still trying hard to heal.
Protect this man at all costs ❤❤❤
War vs. Nuclear war. Recovery vs. Rebuilding. Absolutely.
I've often heard, don't let them rent space in your head!
all good and fine...i learned about the most efficient way to deal with narcissists...its nice clean and hard thrown punch in the face of the narcissist...afterwards you will feel like a newly born..the stress left your body...and believe me you will get the respect you deserve afterwards
After my 21 yr daughter snapped on my ex and moved out, she told me "Mom, you're mind will be SO MUCH better when he's gone!". Her personality has changed so much. This video concretes that. He moved out in May. I'm on the LONG path to healing. YES, my therapist said why I'm choosing people is so wrong. Red Flags. Thank you for these videos for those of us who need to heal.
I have spent the last 12 years losing bits and pieces over time of myself until the girl I once was is gone forever. He manipulated me into giving him so much money, I will lose my home this fall. My son’s peace and comfort of his home will be stripped away from him. I feel tremendous guilt. I sit everyday with a calculator trying to find someway I can keep my home. For the last five years, I’ve barely gotten out of bed and am not even capable of showering most days. I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean surrounded by water but still have nothing to drink to keep myself alive. I’m shattered into pieces and have no idea how to put myself back together again. I’m a highly educated person, so how did I not see this coming and stayed for 12 years until he stripped me of everything. I don’t know who I am anymore, where I’ve been or where I’m going.
I wish you to overcome this difficult situation by working on yourself. You are the only one who can do this. The house may also be important, but you'll find a way. You are not alone.
Acountability!! Yes! And stopping the victim mentality. Ugh i held on to this mentality for years while in therapy and that's why I stayed in the situation I was in. I held myself back. We each play our part, everyone can learn and grow. None of us are perfect & none of us are victims.
Thank you for helping me heal through true understanding. It has made all the difference for me on this journey.
Your videos are spot on and I appreciate them a lot! Just one thing I just experience. Since I wasn't able to find a Therapist, I watched videos about that topic nonstop. And first of all I had to find out that narcissism exits, then project it on my life, then figure out what to do and how to find out if my thoughts are right about the situation. Now I finally got to the steps you just said, but that was a long process. More than a year. But being there, I think I already start to heal myself without a therapist. And I do see that I enabled all that abuse. But - I don't think I really had the choice to do or see that in the beginning of the relationship. Because like lot of people said, I brought needs from my childhood with me, needs from just life experience and I was the perfect victim. I was just looking for someone to love and who loves me back. I still think we are victims. And only realizing that gets us out of that relationships and heals our mind for future relationships. So I feel not guilty for getting abused. I feel good that I finally understand that mind game. Until you understand it, you are an easy victim. And since I believe in God, I think the voices in our heads are the holy spirit against a demon. And it is very hard to figure out which one to listen to. The devil is a good lier. The father of lies. I wish all people in that situation the best outcome and may God bless you ❤
Follow up video recommendation: How to rebuild?
Thank you so much for these videos. Thanks to this channel and thanks to the others talking about Narcissism. I have been struggling for a year and a half to heal after a 7 year relationship with a covert narcissist. I only discovered what "covert narcissism" was yesterday, but it so concretely explains what our relationship dynamic was like. So eye opening to finally have some real answers and insight. Again, thank you so much for making this material available.
It begins with acknowledging the fantasy for what it was then comes the radical acceptance of your choice to stay in it once you've arrived to the conclusion you did have a hand in this not all your fault but certainly had a hand you can successfully move on & heal remember what separates us from them we can sit in silence & reflect on our decisions & assume accountability they can not but when we master this skill is when shadow work starts to happen vasilate between your ego & learn to let it go
While was with the narc I felt empty. It felt when I was deeply in it that no matter what I did, I didn't feel happy or joyful, just flat and empty. I had a proper belly laugh a few days ago, I also felt really excited and then what I wrote above dawned on me.
Oh my God! He used to do sessions of dancing and listening to the same music at the begging of the relationship. And were the moments that I most felt connected with him. Was one of the reasons that I would be told myself that our relationship was amazing.
This is really amazing and extremely important to understand! I feel like it's so easy to fake out a therapist without even realizing it. Thank you for this!
I think this is often why therapists ask to meet with other family members parents or children to get different perspectives on what's happening
So many things that Prof. Vaknin says hits the nail on the head and is so specific and accurate. For instance the narcissist's repetoir of positive sentences in love bombing and certain negative sentences to devalue you. I always wondered what the heck was wrong with my narcissistc ex for keep repeating the same cheesy one liners that seem so childish like it's from a movie. And how his negative words seemed so out of context and abrupt and seemed ludicrus. But clearly overtime these had such detrimental effects on me. He didn't have to say a thing except look at me a certain way and I was a mess.
I literally wouldn't even be friends with the me that got into this relationship. I was a total insane mess and had no reason to be trying to find a man. Self-punishment, destruction through the other is what I did. I am so tired and ready for this to be over and I have absolutely no desire to do this ever again!
I feel this 🙏🏼🙌🏼
Thank you ! Great interview. Thanks Prof. Sam. That’s very helpful to know the steps required to heal, and generous of you to share. 😁
Thank you, Sam! The best advice I can get! 😊
Great helpful interview. Thank u, Sam❤👌🏻☀️
Thank you so much.💙
Thank you very much for this video
Thank you so much . This has to be the most insightful video about narcissistic abuse I have ever watched .
great insight prof. Yes it damages you totally from inside, and most of the time either you are not aware or somewhat helpless. Really a pathetic situation.
My favorite professor ❤
Thank you!
Thank so much ❤ very helpful indeed ❤
I remember saying that I felt like he was in my head. I could even pin point where it was. Left hand side of my brain. It was crazy. I had to leave. Clear my head. It took months. Now I get the flashbacks. Mainly of good memories. Then I remember the name calling.
Very insightful.
This content is so good❤
Another great video!
Thanks for this unbelievable valuable information. I am in a such situation, I first study the situation and than looked why me every time is the “victim”. At the moment the others where silenced and able to look at myself and understood I was part of the situation found more peace and made a appointment with a specialist. So start with my rebuilding 👍🏻
Thank you 🙏
Thank You..
Wow this is mind blowing & a lot to take in; I get it BUT i will need a few days to process this video cos I've been in a relationship that u described & lost myself.
This video has been the most helpful one ❤
Great teachings
Thank you
Thank you so much. It's soooo educating and eye opener
AMAZING VIDEO! thank you, Sam
My husband turns everything I say against me and won't admit it! He says I am the narc! If I tell him he is being rude to me he says I am picking on him😢
That is typical behaviour- blame shifting.
Very insightful...i experienced most of what was said in my relationship with my ex narc
Regard the first stage before going to therapist, what can a victim of narcistic family would tell himself? Cauz we didn't let anybody in our life we born victims and been induced with tocic defentions for almost every thing in our world! So who could a child of abuser and still living with narcisit family +can't scape it would do or say to his inner voice
I need to connect with you Prof. Am survivor of NPD but my life went spiral ..16 years ....recovered for 5 years ..but still I feel fine guidance..
Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤
What about being abused by a narcissistic parent when you are very young? Especially sexual abuse? How do you work around the learned helplessness from childhood abuse? What would you recommend?
Watch the From Child to Narcissist and the Narcissist’s Sexuality playlist.
That is such a interesting combination
Can someone please post the 4 steps?
Great video thank you Sam and I agree and understand everything now what would we say to someone who was born from a malignant narcissistic mother how did I/we contribute to this abuse?
Patrick Teahan has a great couple videos on this, including a role play.
عظيم عظيم كل كلمه صحيحه 😢
واخيرا تعليق عربي في القناة
@@meriemmimi104 لو يدري فاكنن بخبالات العرب جان كعد يلطم بالزاويه 😜
Thanks Sam 🙏💋❤
Fortunately, my abuser was a copy of my mutter… I ran away and jumped 180 degrees from her at the age of 17; so there was a battle, he failed to through me down …
If we can t afford a therapist....what can be done?
I am a sociolog as profession...ex teacher...even a successful one
my daughter is the Narcissist she choose me i let her. I take full responsibility that i let it go on for so long
Where can I read more about entrainment?
Search my channel.
What if you silence your own voice for a certain period of time. Is it possible that voice could die?
No.
If you show me thw way.....what can I read and learn to help myself and my son?
I would be even willing to reconverse professional....but I don t know yet how....what cam I do?
I
Professor I would like to ask you your opinion about antidepressants. Do you think that whoever takes them after narcissistic abuse "covers" the problem?? Is it possible to do the work for c ptsd together with antidepressants?? Im doing cbt but my therapist is not very familiar with these kind of abuse i think
I would like you to search my channel.
@@samvaknin thank you very much professor, i did watch a lot of your videos. Do you think its possible to identify the narcissist's voice and go through the process of identification with the help of antidepressants or they cover the process??
@@mpap713 I understand what ur saying. Because sometimes it’s hard to get over abuse if the narcissist has made you to depressed to engage in therapy or get ur life sorted. I’m thinking I might go on them temporarily. Until I get my life together and then go of them again which is something I didn’t want to do cause it can mess with your brain chemistry but I feel I’m so desperate rn I have no choice. My own mum is a covert who is literally trying to destroy my life. I self- destructed my own life as a result of the way she has treated me. I’m still struggling to find the courage to sort things out as it seems almost impossible with no real support system as she triangulates my siblings against me also. I keep on trying to get my life sorted but falling flat on my face over and over again cause of the negative self- introjects she put into me. I now don’t know who I am anymore. I just hope I can raise the money to get away. Maybe temporary use of anti depressants might zone me out , but I cannot see anything helping at this point as I have zero support of my family, and frankly my family don’t know me on any level at all. I’m basically my mums object.
@@mpap713 A lot of therapists unfortunately know nothing at narcissistic abuse. Often you will see them take the side of the narcissist also. I would maybe go on the anti- depressants temporarily enough to make your life feel somewhat bearable and prevent you from doing anything bad toward yourself.
While your on the antidepressants get some stuff sorted in your life. Just start small with the basics like basic financial stability a safe place to live and work a good stable group of freinds a good diet and exercise regime. After u have got the basics sorted then maybe go to therapy while slowly weaning yourself of the medication. I didn’t really wanna go on medication myself but unfortunately my mum rendered me so completely helpless and mentally drained that I had no choice. I have been attempting therapy for years and not getting better as I feel even therapy cannot take the underlying pain away of what my own mum has done to me. I had an abusive father to so basically I have nobody.
@@mpap713 I know people say depression doesn’t exist it’s more of a life problem and I actually agree. But sometimes it’s hard to sort out your life situation if your extremely depressed as the steps you need to take to sort things out get a lot harder when u want to cry 24 7. So I would say if you can avoid them then do as the side effects can be horrible. But if ur in so much mental distress that u cannot function as a normal human then maybe it’s got to breaking point and you have little to no choice anymore. Unfortunately that’s what’s happened to Me. I have been slowly declining over years cause my mum was emotionally torturing me and I didn’t know she was as much of a problem in my life as she is. As she’s created a cult of personality around herself and my siblings buy into her lies also. I’m trying to go no contact but she’s rendered me to depressed to work therefore I’m financially in a terrible situation. Maybe the anti depressants can numb me out temporarily enough so I can make money. As as soon as I have more money it’s kinda over for my mum in the sense I will probably leave and never return.
Would you ever tell the narcissist that you are responsible for allowing the situation to continue...would it help with the healing process?
Search the healing and recovery playlist. But, yes.
Does a borderline unknowingly deceive a therapist and reinforce their own false beliefs just as a narcissist does? If so, is this consciously done by the bpd?
Borderlines are likely to idealize the therapist and seek to have a "special relationship", sometimes even sexualizing the therapy (attempting to seduce the therapist).
Thank you