@@Dolly22229 I should add a caveat. It works if he does actually love you. If he doesn't actually love or care about you at all it was just casual, he may well just bugger off and mean it. But if deep down he does actually want the stable loving relationship with you and just can't 'do' it very well, he will always come back when you back off. I think I am coming up to being his longest relationship now - all the rest were very short lived because presumably they didn't know how to handle it, didn't put up with it, gave up. I love him so I watch these videos to understand the issue and try and work on myself in order to make him feel safe being with me. Avoidants feel safe so long as they feel they can cut and run if they need to, and still be independent and do what they want to. If you can allow that space and still be happy in yourself, they won't have a reason to leave you.
well rationally speaking yes, but logic does not often come in when you fall in love with someone. It's often too late to go 'I can do better or much easier relationship.' Life is not meant to be easy necessarily - we are meant to learn things and well if you look at Jesus for example we are meant to love even our enemies, not judge them but see that we are all flawed and all deserve love.
Just run away when you notice a dude is an avoidant. Your time is precious and life is too short to bear the pain to be with them, constantly fight for reciprocation and attention.
This is my exoerience aswell. His ex also left. Je has beeen chasing us both for 6 amd 8 years now.. These fudes are sevetely disturbed and he also fits covert narcissism.
Matthew 7:6 6 “Do not give that which is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."
It seems like I am constantly fighting for reciprocation and attention. I am constantly feeling hurt. It seems like I have gotten so used to this kind of treatment in my relationship and it is hard to imagine an actual healthy relationship where I feel loved, heard and respected. I always feel like my feelings just don’t matter to my partner at all. If I bring up the subject of feeling neglected, he just ignores me or says stuff like, oh Lord! Here we go again! Or says stuff like omg you women!! I always end up self sabotaging and making myself feel worse if I say anything to him about it. Also if I start to cry because I am feeling so hurt and unloved, he will either ignore me or say something like…why are you so over emotional all of the time or you are freaking crazy and things like that. It is never anything supportive if he says anything at all. I wouldn’t know how to act if I actually had someone who would try to hold me, say things like I am sorry you are feeling like that and what can I do to help you feel better… that would be completely out of the question for him to do or say things like that to me whenever I am feeling hurt and upset. I am a very damaged person and still, I keep taking the emotional abuse. I wish I could just walk away sometimes but I have been beat down so badly that I don’t feel like I am deserving of a healthy relationship and I feel so unlovable for anyone. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t even know what a healthy relationship would look like if I saw one!!! I definitely need some help 🥲
So basically, with an avoidant, accept that you won't ever have a full fledged grown up relationship, just a fling. And then you'll be okay. Maybe have a serious grown up relationship on the side with someone else in the meantime.
Run! And then work on your own self esteem regarding why you would accept so little from a partner. I ran and I'd rather be alone than dealing with that sort of toxic crap
I was at this stage and get that feeling a lot when it is bad. But..... with anything it's about understanding what is actually going on. Try to focus on the good things, like wow he actually showed me his emotions DESPITE being an avoidant. That means so much more than it would if he were secure/ stable. So see the blessings and focus on those wins, rather than the bad elements which you know are always going to come up.
@@amytiffanyhemingway I understand where you're coming from, but I've come to the conclusion that thinking that way is to view crumbs of love as if they were a banquet and denying that you're still hungry.
Look for a person who is secure. Especially, if you are anxious. It will save you a lot of hurt. Only stay unless he is willing to work on his attachment style to meet you somewhere.
Yeah this works till a certain extent. I actually did this just out of intuition and yes it worked until it didn’t. Eventually you’ll have relationships demands and/or life circumstances that you need him to step up for you like illness. Then they withdraw again. They’re exhausting. You never win with them no matter what. Just move on to someone normal that values you.
Matthew 7:6 6 “Do not give that which is holy to [a]dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."
Many avoidants get bored once they know everything there is to know about you. So, even if you use all known tactics to get them back, you'll constantly live with the risk of them wanting to avoid you again--not worth it. Give the avoidant the space they need, eternally.
Run. Run away and never look back. I miss the possibilities of my partner but it's so toxic and you will never have your emotional needs met with an avoidant. Run. I've had to question my own self esteem spending months trying to build a relationship with an avoidant until I finally had enough and got out
We have awesone chemistry together but as soon as we start getting emotionally connected, he pushes me out. He needs a huge amount of distance and space and I've been very accepting of that. We got together last night, and I told him I'll be busy for a couple of weeks. When I'm a little distant and detached, he's more attentive. But as soon as I show loving behavior, he goes cold. I've started casually dating other men to keep me feeling desirable and flirty.
I've been dealing with the exact same issue. Once it feels too "relationship-y" he ignores me or finds a stupid reason to be mad at me. Hes also a Taurus and he's stubborn as Hell.
An avoidant partner needs too much work and attention, while you do not receive the same attention from him. It's a very unsatisfying, sad relationship. Run.
Im thinking Im dating an avoidant one minute we are talking about getting a house together the next he is mad out of nowhere and leaving or hanging up on me...just yesterday he asked my opinion on what he should do about working extra and I gave my opinion then today he said hes working thIs weekend so of course I was excited and asked where and he told me it was none of my business and why did I need to know? I have gained weight feel the lonliest ever lately...he just told me we shouldnt be in a relationship if I need to know everything..My head is spinning its makes no sense at all????
@@lisafoster3494unless you are in his will as the sole heir of that house, it's very unwise to purchase a house with someone you're dating. If he dies his next-of-kin will become co-owner of that house.
You have to ask yourself why do you want to be with a person like this? A person who loves to be alone, who doesnt share feelings, who is distanced, who cant give yo the warmth, love, and affection. Its like dating a rock with a difference that the rock will not leave you out of the blue
One thing that I’m noticing is a lot of “I’m busy” or “I’m distracted”, “Ill text you when the kids are asleep”- Lately I’ve been thinking, “Well, I might not be available when the kids are asleep”. Like, MY TIME is precious too
yes, I get that all the time too -- only his time matters, not mine! Im taking a break from him: no contact till April fools day, not too sure what happens then ( its only been 3 days, I already miss him, but trying hard to hold my ground)
I spent 20 years with a guy. Deffo avoidant. He had a home office. And worked all weekend. When relaxed took out the kids while I did DIY. He spent evenings in his home office. Never come out. We slept in separate rooms.
This video came right on time! I literally disappear from his life, when he becomes distant. I let him taste his own medicine! He needs to learn that others come with feelings too! This small smack on his hand makes him behave well!
That was two years ago. Are you still playing this game with him or did you leave him? I couldn't stand such a relationship where you have to hide who you really are.
It was heartbreaking 💔 I love her unconditionally. She did help me discover self-love, self-respect respect, and self care. Now, I'm alone. And I really don't care anymore.
Get help please. It's not healthy to be an avoidant. If you cannot get help or you don't want to. Buy a book about the subject. You hurt people around you by being like this.
Great advice - yes you can get him to chase you - but the problem is these cycles will continue for the rest of the relationship. He will break up with you and stonewall you every time he’s overwhelmed. The only way to make this work is by getting the man to heal his attachment trauma, which could be impossible in some cases. It’s impossible when it’s at the level of narcissism. They can be so dead inside their heart that nothing will ever awaken the life force. Women can spend their entire lives trying to change these men. It’s best to focus on our creative passions and friendships. And the best solution is to just be friends with these men. So don’t give your power away by having sex with them.
Those types will continue to disappoint with the come and go as they please. Unfortunately women get so worked up to hear from him when he invites her out, after not hearing from him for 2 weeks, they just brush it off and think if they try harder this time, he might just commit. No! The hell he won't! He sees it as an easy target
I haven’t watched this yet but I can say with 100% certainty the only way to resolve being with an avoidant is to become secure yourself. Secure attachment heals anxious attachment wounds, nothing else. 💞
My guy is avoidant and it’s so frustrating the only time he shows emotion is when I’m distant but then I eventually give in and come towards him which builds resentment lol
Everything you are saying is true, I realized he is an avoidant. The number one thing he says is that he “doesn’t have the energy for a relationship.” But yet he misses me and always wants to see me!!! I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do. I’m tired of the one putting in the effort.
Sometimes they push you away BECAUSE they love you. They feel bad because they know but won't ever admit that they can't really fulfil your needs and so feel crap about themselves as a partner and think you deserve better. So when you stop needing so much from them, and just appreciate well whatever they ARE able to give you, then he feels better and more sure of himself and will slowly be able to open up and trust the relationship more and more. One analogy I saw is like fishing. Don't pull the fish in on the rod straight away. Do it gently and slowly, reel it in, let it loose a bit, reel it in again or the line will snap and you lose the fish.
@@amytiffanyhemingway : Don't you want to live with a man, have stability, a home together, family, children? I was in a similar situation: he said I was "too much, too full-on, " he "needed his space," etc., yet remarkably he flitted around casually seeing other women, yet would loop back around to me..... I do want foundation and stability with a man, a proper relationship. I am perfectly happy single, but I know being in a decent, loving, reciprocated relationship will fulfill me. Being around an avoidant is a challenge I no longer need to experience. It's made me realise all the more what I do deserve, and what I don't!
Love is actions and the avoidants actions are very selfish. They only care about their own feelings Do not waste your time walking on eggshells trying to love someone who puts no effort into doing the same for you. Avoidance turn secures into anxious.
This is spot on. 2 years. Hes chased me until i fell in love with him. Then out if the blue, I have no feelings for you. Youre nothing but a friend with benifits 🤬💔
My avoidant was pretty much up front about needing space. It fits in with my busy schedule. I know I'm a hyper active ball of energy and I'm not easy to absorb for most, I am overwhelming and sometimes even to myself, so I don't take someone distancing themselves from me as a rejection. When we're together it's really good and somehow he calms me down and I perk him up and inspire him to do more. I guess my favourite playground toy was always the sea saw. It's no fun when you try to play it yourself and you need the right partner that doesn't leave you up in the air too long and pushes off to bring you down and vice versa. When you find a rhythm and understanding it can be the most fun way to play.
I think this is ultimately how my relationship will wind up My girlfriend is currently showing signs of avoidant attachment and its so interesting because She communicates with me very well, we talk about everything, and even though she was saying she feels overwhelmed and pressured Now that I give her space, she’s regularly contacting me with sweet messages, very affectionate when around each other Shes an amazing woman and honestly the see saw dynamic as you described sounds like it would be a perfect dynamic for us
My strategy is to just be myself and that level of transparency and intimacy scares them away by and this saves me the trouble of having to keep them around 😂 Avoidant men are good for a fling and nothing more.
This actually makes perfect sense. It’s natural to set the pace when you have your own life and have established boundaries. I just tried this and it sent my* avoidant squirming. It felt great 😌
My solution to the situation is to just not care. Don't care anymore about "understanding" why he treats you the way he does. Put that time into YOU. Work on yourself. I put together an exercise program that I follow daily, I've discovered that I like to cook, I am working on cleaning out my closets, my career is progressing wonderfully and I've been able to use the no contact behavior to really stop and think about the whole relationship without bias. Now, if I call him, it really is just to say hello. I have no hard feelings or hold any grudges, and would like to be friends with him again. But I refuse to let myself go back down that rabbit hole of caring to the point of daily distraction. And when you don't care that much, you CAN be free and easy, flirty, the person you were in the beginning that he or she was attracted to. Just laugh, have fun with it all, don't take it too seriously and do not care.
Alex your English may not be perfect but when you say when you will be live at ‘ Easter time ‘ it makes me smile and I just want to squeeze your cheeks because it is so cute 🥰 I love your French accent so please never change!
Very true about the way he just stops. This has happened to me, with the same man, a few times. I was never serious about him, and he kept returning eventually. Now this time, I am giving him space but not sure If I want to go on and on.
I am 47 now. I got in a relationship with an avoidant. After a few months the fights started. I got upset because she was gone drom the planet most of the days. At first I thought it was me being too needy because she told me this. And now I would have to play games in stead of listen to my heart, just to have a relationship with her? I can't do that. I dont play games. I will have to look for a new person that will be happy with my love 24/7 and that is willing to give me love 24/7. If you are out there, find me.. I need you..
Mirroring them behavior is the best you can do. We don't care about a narcissist ex partner. We didn't deserve a handsome animal. They don't deserve to be happy and feed their ego💪
So, basically I'm up a creek without a paddle!! I have to do all the work (set the pace, be fun and flirt) and he gets to do whatever the hell he wants. And when he is always in a downcast mood because he thinks only about himself and his problems, it would seem very exhausting I'm afraid.
Deeply grateful for this timely counsel Alex! You do care for us women with your inspiring and enriching sessions! Cheering you on! One of your best episodes ever! Yey!
This is true! I was always saying yes to our hang outs then recently there was a few times where i genuinely busy and i had to pass up on a few of our hang outs and all of sudden he had all the time in the world to txt me, however i dont know if this is with all avoidant but in my case making him wait made him upset so he plays the game of revenge, although he would be more persistent he would still make sure he got the "last laugh" at the end... im a FA sooo i pick up on small changed behaviors i ignore them like children's tantrums though because he has something im benefitting from as well so i just dont discuss these things with him
Yes, just went through this with someone I met online. We had great connection through long phone calls but after a couple of weeks he didn't want to meet and said he wants to take it slow although he is the one who suggested meeting for coffee. I'm secure attachment ready to give but he is avoidant not ready to receive. I ended it because I don't want to invest the time but I left it open for him to reach out to me. Meanwhile I'm going to live my life. I will take your advice if he does reach out and not be so readily available. We are both older (I"m 62 and he is 73). I admit I'm not good at flirting.
Yeah, I'd rather be by myself. I don't have time to play games with wanna be grown ass man. I'm engaged to him right now and it's unhealthy for me. I'm about to call it quits..
Please can you tell more about your strategies? Are you married? I'm married to Avoidant man, he is 40 and I don't think so he will change. Very horrific pain plus he looking for novelty after marriage in others. Please help me if you have any important tips. Thanks
I'm a bit of an avoidant and so is my ex. It's crazy how clingy and weak I became in that relationship, though. I sure wish I'd had more knowledge from Coach Alex back then and we probably would still be together. We both absolutely loved flirting with one another and we both needed our space... until I started feeling insecure and blamed his avoidant behavior on myself, taking it personally. I guess I got a taste of my own medicine! 😅
this was my situation too. But I didn't find out about attachment styles until it was too late. we're in no contact now. if I had it to do all over again I would do it differently, because doing these things was how I got him in the first place...but I was just being myself.
Thank you Mr. Alex! This is very excellent advice I heard... I learnt so much from this topic. Great knowledge...thank you for this knowledge. God bless you more and more wisdom👍
I understand you perfectly! Thank you so much! However, My question is how do you get rid of a narcissist! I avoid him but yet he still want to argue with me! So I ignore him more! The more I ignore him he gets upset and mad then ignores me until he can't take it anymore then try to be nice just to want to argue again! I can't play this game! I need & and a Real Man not a boy! So how I get rid of him! I've even stop calling, texting and told him to loose my number!
Thanks Alx for your videos it's help me a lot but i have a little confused how i can know the difference between relationship with avoident and the crumbling relationship how i can spot the difference between to type of these relationships? I hope i get response from you alex i will appreciate this too much @@FrenchRelationshipExpert
He’s an old friend but we do connect. He says he’s broken and needs to work on himself. I understand that as I’ve been there before. He calls everyday, but we don’t get to see each other because of his work…
He s keeping you in the loop ; just to make sure you re sticking around at his absence: sorry but this looked like a bit manipulation. It's great he is thoughtful enough to call everyday but there might be altering motives , beware
Alex I wish I have this video before, I broke up with him because he started to be busy with work , we were in a relationship for nearly 2 years then I noticed he started to be distant, I needed this video but too late now I broke up with him 😮 I didn’t want to he was a good partner very supportive always there for me have me financially and emotionally support always 😢
I'm the avoidant one hahaha and I am learning. I hope you also coach avoidant women who are craving for a relationship. It sounds ironic but it's real.
I feel you. I am exactly the same. I wish I could be different, I crave intimacy and love intimate relationships with friends but partners want to spend so much time together it triggers me. I would love to be able to do it but I can't. What can I do? I wish I could change. Partners think I'm cruel or selfish
Thank you. Have found that not taking things too seriously works well and sometimes being quiet around him and on the phone messaging front. I think its a sensory overload problem for some men who are avoidant? I am insecure in relationship and have to rein myself in and be more lighthearted and care less about the outcome. He is always happy to do something when I offer and I relate to the mothering role trap. I lead by example and show him what I want which seems to work. Being blunt is better or failing this I get the message across in a jokey way. Very helpful. Try not to take his reactions personally and stand in my own power. I will not resort to sarcasm, over emotionality or games.
The avoidant guy becames extremely insecure and won’t give you space after he falls inlove because he really low-key fears neglect or abandonment, so if he’s deeply damaged he will self sabotage to avoid the guilt and the pain of the whole situation, thinking negatively saying, she was acting funny so I left, yes he’s technique can work , but you can’t keep a man who don’t wanna be kept because FEAR wins every time especially when the ego is running the whole relationship, iam currently involved with an avoidant, we go days without talking I always wait 6-10hrs to respond, slowly switching things up and respond the next morning, this keeps him guessing, you have to keep him guessing, and don’t be needy, keep him confused to keep his attention… this works
I walked away from him and he text last Friday at 4:38 am that he wanted to talk this weekend…. Crickets… will he try again? We had a fun relationship when it was good… the connection is great but every time we got close.. he did something to push me away and refused to prioritize me.. so I walked away with just a request for my things…. I don’t want to contact him at all.. I’m tired of being pushed away.. I don’t feel like flirting anymore
Avoid the avoidant more than he avoids you and he’s all yours 😂
So true!!
Love this! Priceless!
Made me laugh out loud! Truth!
does it works?
@@Dolly22229 I should add a caveat. It works if he does actually love you. If he doesn't actually love or care about you at all it was just casual, he may well just bugger off and mean it. But if deep down he does actually want the stable loving relationship with you and just can't 'do' it very well, he will always come back when you back off. I think I am coming up to being his longest relationship now - all the rest were very short lived because presumably they didn't know how to handle it, didn't put up with it, gave up. I love him so I watch these videos to understand the issue and try and work on myself in order to make him feel safe being with me. Avoidants feel safe so long as they feel they can cut and run if they need to, and still be independent and do what they want to. If you can allow that space and still be happy in yourself, they won't have a reason to leave you.
As soon as you realize he has an avoidant attachment style... Run girl.
well rationally speaking yes, but logic does not often come in when you fall in love with someone. It's often too late to go 'I can do better or much easier relationship.' Life is not meant to be easy necessarily - we are meant to learn things and well if you look at Jesus for example we are meant to love even our enemies, not judge them but see that we are all flawed and all deserve love.
Oh yes. He was a VERY bad boy. He told me he has the black sheep of the family. Bye, bye....
😂😂😂
I have avoidant attachment and I'm a woman 💕
🤣🤣🙌🙌
Just run away when you notice a dude is an avoidant. Your time is precious and life is too short to bear the pain to be with them, constantly fight for reciprocation and attention.
This is my exoerience aswell. His ex also left. Je has beeen chasing us both for 6 amd 8 years now.. These fudes are sevetely disturbed and he also fits covert narcissism.
@@Vixinaful Correct.
@GTO.007; Correct.
Matthew 7:6 6 “Do not give that which is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."
It seems like I am constantly fighting for reciprocation and attention. I am constantly feeling hurt. It seems like I have gotten so used to this kind of treatment in my relationship and it is hard to imagine an actual healthy relationship where I feel loved, heard and respected. I always feel like my feelings just don’t matter to my partner at all. If I bring up the subject of feeling neglected, he just ignores me or says stuff like, oh Lord! Here we go again! Or says stuff like omg you women!! I always end up self sabotaging and making myself feel worse if I say anything to him about it. Also if I start to cry because I am feeling so hurt and unloved, he will either ignore me or say something like…why are you so over emotional all of the time or you are freaking crazy and things like that. It is never anything supportive if he says anything at all. I wouldn’t know how to act if I actually had someone who would try to hold me, say things like I am sorry you are feeling like that and what can I do to help you feel better… that would be completely out of the question for him to do or say things like that to me whenever I am feeling hurt and upset. I am a very damaged person and still, I keep taking the emotional abuse. I wish I could just walk away sometimes but I have been beat down so badly that I don’t feel like I am deserving of a healthy relationship and I feel so unlovable for anyone. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t even know what a healthy relationship would look like if I saw one!!! I definitely need some help 🥲
When I'm stressed out because he makes me insecure by avoiding me, I don't feel like flirting or inventing jokes.
So basically, with an avoidant, accept that you won't ever have a full fledged grown up relationship, just a fling. And then you'll be okay. Maybe have a serious grown up relationship on the side with someone else in the meantime.
Comment of the CENTURY. 💯💥🌋🌪🌊
Hahahahahahaha !!!!! Thank you Coffee Cat for the super good laugh. So right !!!
Yep!
Lol
Run! And then work on your own self esteem regarding why you would accept so little from a partner. I ran and I'd rather be alone than dealing with that sort of toxic crap
I am exhausted just listening to this. 🤣
Lol I understand why... So don't go with an avoidant :-)
😂😅
How about avoidant men actually doing the inner work to heal rather than us having to play games and manipulate them in order to be with them !!!!!!
They wont. They like being the victim and stay 2 years old 😂😂
Yeooooouuup. Even when they're 50.
@@FriendMariaAdriannamine was 60 😂😂😂😂
And the other indeed 50
Both diagnosed.
The older the crazier 😂😂
"WHY DON'T THEY HEAL???"
*has a picture of herself in a bikini*
@@DrSoapplet's stay on topic 😅
I have an idea. Let’s heal our wounds so we’re no longer attracted to these types of people and let avoidants date each other.
I dont want them either!!! 😂😂😂 says the fearful avoidant.
Nothing works with an avoidant. You will begin to feel empty like them.
so true!
I was at this stage and get that feeling a lot when it is bad. But..... with anything it's about understanding what is actually going on. Try to focus on the good things, like wow he actually showed me his emotions DESPITE being an avoidant. That means so much more than it would if he were secure/ stable. So see the blessings and focus on those wins, rather than the bad elements which you know are always going to come up.
@@amytiffanyhemingway I understand where you're coming from, but I've come to the conclusion that thinking that way is to view crumbs of love as if they were a banquet and denying that you're still hungry.
Yea it's conditioning women to accept crumbs. An be happy with it
@@financeMR why can’t women give crumbs also? We do have all the power.
I was trying to avoid narcissists and fell for an avoidant.
I'm so sorry to hear about this!
I divorced a narcissist, and fell for a avoidant
Same
Same..
Sorry to hear Heather. I hope you will find someone who isn't an avoidant or a narcissist.
The truth is if he's avoidant, you're in for a lifetime of needing to be "playful". Exhausting.
It is exhausting.
Just cheat.
Yep. Gotta act like you're always on a first date or something
Look for a person who is secure. Especially, if you are anxious. It will save you a lot of hurt. Only stay unless he is willing to work on his attachment style to meet you somewhere.
Say goodbye 👋🏽 do not waste your time or energy if he is avoidant he is avoiding you. Move on ! Doesn’t not want you
Yeah this works till a certain extent. I actually did this just out of intuition and yes it worked until it didn’t. Eventually you’ll have relationships demands and/or life circumstances that you need him to step up for you like illness. Then they withdraw again. They’re exhausting. You never win with them no matter what. Just move on to someone normal that values you.
"Normal" is a loaded word. Clearly you aren't or you wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him to begin with. 🤷♂️
Matthew 7:6 6 “Do not give that which is holy to [a]dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."
@@jenniferlorence1950
Americans always put dogs 1st.
Many avoidants get bored once they know everything there is to know about you. So, even if you use all known tactics to get them back, you'll constantly live with the risk of them wanting to avoid you again--not worth it. Give the avoidant the space they need, eternally.
his ex is addicted to plastic surgery, makes me wonder now
eternally .... hahahahahahahaaah
Let him swim in silence | go and flash your flirty smile to the next fellow..
Run. Run away and never look back. I miss the possibilities of my partner but it's so toxic and you will never have your emotional needs met with an avoidant. Run. I've had to question my own self esteem spending months trying to build a relationship with an avoidant until I finally had enough and got out
We have awesone chemistry together but as soon as we start getting emotionally connected, he pushes me out. He needs a huge amount of distance and space and I've been very accepting of that. We got together last night, and I told him I'll be busy for a couple of weeks. When I'm a little distant and detached, he's more attentive. But as soon as I show loving behavior, he goes cold. I've started casually dating other men to keep me feeling desirable and flirty.
I've been dealing with the exact same issue. Once it feels too "relationship-y" he ignores me or finds a stupid reason to be mad at me. Hes also a Taurus and he's stubborn as Hell.
Exactly
@@KereolaPatuniais a guy like this avoidant or simply not wanting a serious relationship? I'm starting to wonder
Got a Capricorn on my hands. Also bloody stubborn! 😅 @KereolaPatunia
An avoidant partner needs too much work and attention, while you do not receive the same attention from him. It's a very unsatisfying, sad relationship. Run.
I'm so sorry to hear about this!
Im thinking Im dating an avoidant one minute we are talking about getting a house together the next he is mad out of nowhere and leaving or hanging up on me...just yesterday he asked my opinion on what he should do about working extra and I gave my opinion then today he said hes working thIs weekend so of course I was excited and asked where and he told me it was none of my business and why did I need to know? I have gained weight feel the lonliest ever lately...he just told me we shouldnt be in a relationship if I need to know everything..My head is spinning its makes no sense at all????
,😂😂😂@@FrenchRelationshipExpert
@@lisafoster3494unless you are in his will as the sole heir of that house, it's very unwise to purchase a house with someone you're dating. If he dies his next-of-kin will become co-owner of that house.
Who the hell wants this? It’s so hard and heartbreaking
You have to ask yourself why do you want to be with a person like this? A person who loves to be alone, who doesnt share feelings, who is distanced, who cant give yo the warmth, love, and affection. Its like dating a rock with a difference that the rock will not leave you out of the blue
lmao so true.
Well said.
If he’s great sexually. It’s basically friends with benefits. But if he thinks you’re using him. He will be offended. 😂 LMFAO
This 😂😂
One thing that I’m noticing is a lot of “I’m busy” or “I’m distracted”, “Ill text you when the kids are asleep”- Lately I’ve been thinking, “Well, I might not be available when the kids are asleep”. Like, MY TIME is precious too
@@radianceactivations888
Nah parents also have time to send a quick message.
Even on the toilet.
😂
yes, I get that all the time too -- only his time matters, not mine! Im taking a break from him: no contact till April fools day, not too sure what happens then ( its only been 3 days, I already miss him, but trying hard to hold my ground)
@@ayay809update?
Running as far as you can and leaving them the f*** alone works wonders.
I spent 20 years with a guy. Deffo avoidant.
He had a home office. And worked all weekend. When relaxed took out the kids while I did DIY.
He spent evenings in his home office. Never come out. We slept in separate rooms.
Learn to give time and space to them. Don’t push for communication or double text. Just let it go ladies, and focus on yourself while he is.
Or focus on other people. These people are boring as fuck
Do you think that is a good solution? You then show him that his behaviour is acceptable?
In all honesty I won’t date an avoidant man again. ❤
The problem is that you will not know the first months... :(
This video came right on time!
I literally disappear from his life, when he becomes distant. I let him taste his own medicine! He needs to learn that others come with feelings too! This small smack on his hand makes him behave well!
I do that too but sometimes you have stuff you need to actually plan and it's very infuriating.
That was two years ago. Are you still playing this game with him or did you leave him? I couldn't stand such a relationship where you have to hide who you really are.
Yes don’t be too available to Avoidants, speaking from experience as I am one ☝️
It was heartbreaking 💔 I love her unconditionally. She did help me discover self-love, self-respect respect, and self care. Now, I'm alone. And I really don't care anymore.
Get help please. It's not healthy to be an avoidant. If you cannot get help or you don't want to. Buy a book about the subject. You hurt people around you by being like this.
Great advice - yes you can get him to chase you - but the problem is these cycles will continue for the rest of the relationship. He will break up with you and stonewall you every time he’s overwhelmed. The only way to make this work is by getting the man to heal his attachment trauma, which could be impossible in some cases. It’s impossible when it’s at the level of narcissism. They can be so dead inside their heart that nothing will ever awaken the life force. Women can spend their entire lives trying to change these men. It’s best to focus on our creative passions and friendships. And the best solution is to just be friends with these men. So don’t give your power away by having sex with them.
Those types will continue to disappoint with the come and go as they please. Unfortunately women get so worked up to hear from him when he invites her out, after not hearing from him for 2 weeks, they just brush it off and think if they try harder this time, he might just commit. No! The hell he won't! He sees it as an easy target
Very true!
They are toxic
I haven’t watched this yet but I can say with 100% certainty the only way to resolve being with an avoidant is to become secure yourself. Secure attachment heals anxious attachment wounds, nothing else. 💞
Yesssss! A secure person will not be interested in such an unhealthy person.
Avoidants can make securely attached people insecurely attached. Has happened to me in the past. It's called abuse and manipulation
@@laurabeigh283 lol indeed I am starting to question myself for liking this avoidant so much.
@@laurabeigh283exactly. 😂
Funny how l was secure until l met him.
My guy is avoidant and it’s so frustrating the only time he shows emotion is when I’m distant but then I eventually give in and come towards him which builds resentment lol
Oh gosh. It's so exhausting I've experienced this . JUST LEAVE your mental and emotional health will thank you
Please leave! Don’t waste your life.
I don't know I have the energy for that. 🤣 I think find someone who is secure
Everything you are saying is true, I realized he is an avoidant. The number one thing he says is that he “doesn’t have the energy for a relationship.” But yet he misses me and always wants to see me!!! I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do. I’m tired of the one putting in the effort.
Any updates ?
Listen to his actions and his words. If they aren’t both a yes, then it’s a no.
Stop putting in effort.
Let him be the one who invests.
Otherwise, bye!
Sometimes they push you away BECAUSE they love you. They feel bad because they know but won't ever admit that they can't really fulfil your needs and so feel crap about themselves as a partner and think you deserve better. So when you stop needing so much from them, and just appreciate well whatever they ARE able to give you, then he feels better and more sure of himself and will slowly be able to open up and trust the relationship more and more. One analogy I saw is like fishing. Don't pull the fish in on the rod straight away. Do it gently and slowly, reel it in, let it loose a bit, reel it in again or the line will snap and you lose the fish.
@@amytiffanyhemingway : Don't you want to live with a man, have stability, a home together, family, children? I was in a similar situation: he said I was "too much, too full-on, " he "needed his space," etc., yet remarkably he flitted around casually seeing other women, yet would loop back around to me..... I do want foundation and stability with a man, a proper relationship. I am perfectly happy single, but I know being in a decent, loving, reciprocated relationship will fulfill me. Being around an avoidant is a challenge I no longer need to experience. It's made me realise all the more what I do deserve, and what I don't!
Love is actions and the avoidants actions are very selfish. They only care about their own feelings
Do not waste your time walking on eggshells trying to love someone who puts no effort into doing the same for you. Avoidance turn secures into anxious.
True story!! It’s so exhausting. And when I complained about the emotional chaos, he had no clue what I was talking about. Bruh… 🤦♀️
To get the avoidant to commit is all about timing. Get him during his "needy" stage. That's why they are not good for long-term relationships.
This is spot on. 2 years. Hes chased me until i fell in love with him. Then out if the blue, I have no feelings for you. Youre nothing but a friend with benifits 🤬💔
My avoidant was pretty much up front about needing space. It fits in with my busy schedule. I know I'm a hyper active ball of energy and I'm not easy to absorb for most, I am overwhelming and sometimes even to myself, so I don't take someone distancing themselves from me as a rejection.
When we're together it's really good and somehow he calms me down and I perk him up and inspire him to do more.
I guess my favourite playground toy was always the sea saw. It's no fun when you try to play it yourself and you need the right partner that doesn't leave you up in the air too long and pushes off to bring you down and vice versa.
When you find a rhythm and understanding it can be the most fun way to play.
Dang well said
Great analogy
I think this is ultimately how my relationship will wind up
My girlfriend is currently showing signs of avoidant attachment and its so interesting because
She communicates with me very well, we talk about everything, and even though she was saying she feels overwhelmed and pressured
Now that I give her space, she’s regularly contacting me with sweet messages, very affectionate when around each other
Shes an amazing woman and honestly the see saw dynamic as you described sounds like it would be a perfect dynamic for us
So You're a Booty Call, Good for You!
@@ingrained2train; Booty Call Relationships have Always Existed. But with TODAY's EASY WOMEN You just Don't Have to PAY for it Anymore!
My strategy is to just be myself and that level of transparency and intimacy scares them away by and this saves me the trouble of having to keep them around 😂
Avoidant men are good for a fling and nothing more.
This actually makes perfect sense. It’s natural to set the pace when you have your own life and have established boundaries. I just tried this and it sent my* avoidant squirming. It felt great 😌
My solution to the situation is to just not care. Don't care anymore about "understanding" why he treats you the way he does. Put that time into YOU. Work on yourself. I put together an exercise program that I follow daily, I've discovered that I like to cook, I am working on cleaning out my closets, my career is progressing wonderfully and I've been able to use the no contact behavior to really stop and think about the whole relationship without bias. Now, if I call him, it really is just to say hello. I have no hard feelings or hold any grudges, and would like to be friends with him again. But I refuse to let myself go back down that rabbit hole of caring to the point of daily distraction. And when you don't care that much, you CAN be free and easy, flirty, the person you were in the beginning that he or she was attracted to. Just laugh, have fun with it all, don't take it too seriously and do not care.
Why do you want this guy? Run!!!!
Thanks for your insight!
Things take time.. it is up to you to decide what’s worth it and if your heart can bare mixed signals in love
Alex your English may not be perfect but when you say when you will be live at ‘ Easter time ‘ it makes me smile and I just want to squeeze your cheeks because it is so cute 🥰 I love your French accent so please never change!
Respectfully, he may have an accent like everyone does but his English is perfect.
@@PriscillasWorld I agree, his English is better than most English speaking people I know and I speak both English and French perfectly!
I wish I had seen this months ago! Now I realized this is how he is. I noticed that when I ignore him he gets intense. Now it makes sense
Very true about the way he just stops. This has happened to me, with the same man, a few times. I was never serious about him, and he kept returning eventually. Now this time, I am giving him space but not sure If I want to go on and on.
I am 47 now. I got in a relationship with an avoidant. After a few months the fights started. I got upset because she was gone drom the planet most of the days. At first I thought it was me being too needy because she told me this. And now I would have to play games in stead of listen to my heart, just to have a relationship with her? I can't do that. I dont play games. I will have to look for a new person that will be happy with my love 24/7 and that is willing to give me love 24/7. If you are out there, find me.. I need you..
Mirroring them behavior is the best you can do. We don't care about a narcissist ex partner. We didn't deserve a handsome animal. They don't deserve to be happy and feed their ego💪
Set boundaries and expectations
So, basically I'm up a creek without a paddle!! I have to do all the work (set the pace, be fun and flirt) and he gets to do whatever the hell he wants.
And when he is always in a downcast mood because he thinks only about himself and his problems, it would seem very exhausting I'm afraid.
Deeply grateful for this timely counsel Alex! You do care for us women with your inspiring and enriching sessions! Cheering you on! One of your best episodes ever! Yey!
Thank you so much for your support Margaret!
@@FrenchRelationshipExpert Cheering you on from the Philippines. Yey!
We have to care less than him. That's the key.
It’s a waste of time, and it’s like a cat and mouse chase. It’s painful!
I'm an avoidant and so is he, the game is on lol
Date one another and leave the rest ALONE
@@MO-ss5mj hahahahahahahahahhahaahha
My favorite French relationship coach,you have said it all
Thank you so much for your support Mbaku!
This is true! I was always saying yes to our hang outs then recently there was a few times where i genuinely busy and i had to pass up on a few of our hang outs and all of sudden he had all the time in the world to txt me, however i dont know if this is with all avoidant but in my case making him wait made him upset so he plays the game of revenge, although he would be more persistent he would still make sure he got the "last laugh" at the end... im a FA sooo i pick up on small changed behaviors i ignore them like children's tantrums though because he has something im benefitting from as well so i just dont discuss these things with him
Yes, just went through this with someone I met online. We had great connection through long phone calls but after a couple of weeks he didn't want to meet and said he wants to take it slow although he is the one who suggested meeting for coffee. I'm secure attachment ready to give but he is avoidant not ready to receive. I ended it because I don't want to invest the time but I left it open for him to reach out to me. Meanwhile I'm going to live my life. I will take your advice if he does reach out and not be so readily available. We are both older (I"m 62 and he is 73). I admit I'm not good at flirting.
Yeah, I'd rather be by myself. I don't have time to play games with wanna be grown ass man. I'm engaged to him right now and it's unhealthy for me. I'm about to call it quits..
Yes, I am avoiding mine for 30 years 🤣😂🤣😂🤣 And it works believe me ha ha ha ha ha!
😂😂😂😂🎉🎉🎉🎉
Please can you tell more about your strategies? Are you married? I'm married to Avoidant man, he is 40 and I don't think so he will change. Very horrific pain plus he looking for novelty after marriage in others. Please help me if you have any important tips. Thanks
Treat em mean keep em keen
Thank you so much for watching!
I know something easier then playing this game. Don’t. Find someone with a secure attachment style!
I'm a bit of an avoidant and so is my ex. It's crazy how clingy and weak I became in that relationship, though. I sure wish I'd had more knowledge from Coach Alex back then and we probably would still be together. We both absolutely loved flirting with one another and we both needed our space... until I started feeling insecure and blamed his avoidant behavior on myself, taking it personally. I guess I got a taste of my own medicine! 😅
this was my situation too. But I didn't find out about attachment styles until it was too late.
we're in no contact now. if I had it to do all over again I would do it differently, because doing these things was how I got him in the first place...but I was just being myself.
avoidant and anxious can be two sides of the same coin, especiallly when two avoidants date
I love your French accent!!!!
Thank you so much!
Great advice! Men need us to set the PACE. If we don't, many men burn out and pull away.
Omg I believe I'm I'm this situation. Fuck that I'm out!!! Done!
Thank you Mr. Alex! This is very excellent advice I heard... I learnt so much from this topic. Great knowledge...thank you for this knowledge. God bless you more and more wisdom👍
Would love a video on how to gain control of a situation when a man/husband wants to end a marriage for their career/new identity
When you're in long distance relationsship,it is hard to stay away from the loved one.
This puts a lot into perspective.
I understand you perfectly! Thank you so much! However, My question is how do you get rid of a narcissist! I avoid him but yet he still want to argue with me! So I ignore him more! The more I ignore him he gets upset and mad then ignores me until he can't take it anymore then try to be nice just to want to argue again! I can't play this game! I need & and a Real Man not a boy! So how I get rid of him! I've even stop calling, texting and told him to loose my number!
You dont need 2 RUN head towards him and solve 2gether. If yah feeling it.....
If you are BOTH ready. . . 💝💝💝
Thank you 🙏 that was really helpful!!! Love the accent- my Australian twang would never measure up! 😂
Thank you so much for watching! I hope this video was able to help you!
Thank you Alex this is very helpful. I have blocked him to set space between us
That's a lot of space 🤣👌🏽
Why would I flirt with a man who is ignoring you
Thank you so much for your video. Of course, the video applies to women avoiders as well.
Thank you so much for watching!
Thanks Alx for your videos it's help me a lot but i have a little confused how i can know the difference between relationship with avoident and the crumbling relationship how i can spot the difference between to type of these relationships? I hope i get response from you alex i will appreciate this too much @@FrenchRelationshipExpert
This is absolutely the best advice. I will let you know how it works. My guy is this guy to a t
Thank you so much for watching!
Thank you makes total sense we tend to forget about flirting ❤
Really worked out for me 😂
Thanks Alex! Love from India, your words are so good to hear at these moments in our lives 😊
Thank you so much for your support!
He’s an old friend but we do connect. He says he’s broken and needs to work on himself. I understand that as I’ve been there before. He calls everyday, but we don’t get to see each other because of his work…
He s keeping you in the loop ; just to make sure you re sticking around at his absence: sorry but this looked like a bit manipulation. It's great he is thoughtful enough to call everyday but there might be altering motives , beware
Thank you Alex for some advice I'm always watching you here, God bless you
You arr truly a genius... I needed to hear this this minute.
This makes total sense thank you
As an avoidant - if my energy isn’t matched in the friendship stage, or any stage for that matter, I disconnect and am out faster than you can blink.
You're in a Rinse repeat cycle
I tried to match my avoidant's energy--he would barely initiate texting so I did the same. :(
Alex I wish I have this video before, I broke up with him because he started to be busy with work , we were in a relationship for nearly 2 years then I noticed he started to be distant, I needed this video but too late now I broke up with him 😮 I didn’t want to he was a good partner very supportive always there for me have me financially and emotionally support always 😢
Excellent advice Alex. Thank you. 😊🤍🌸🎀
I'm the avoidant one hahaha and I am learning. I hope you also coach avoidant women who are craving for a relationship. It sounds ironic but it's real.
I feel you. I am exactly the same. I wish I could be different, I crave intimacy and love intimate relationships with friends but partners want to spend so much time together it triggers me. I would love to be able to do it but I can't. What can I do? I wish I could change. Partners think I'm cruel or selfish
@@marionamiret4188just find a partner that is busy with work and other aspects of life so they’re not very demanding
Thank you. Have found that not taking things too seriously works well and sometimes being quiet around him and on the phone messaging front. I think its a sensory overload problem for some men who are avoidant? I am insecure in relationship and have to rein myself in and be more lighthearted and care less about the outcome. He is always happy to do something when I offer and I relate to the mothering role trap. I lead by example and show him what I want which seems to work. Being blunt is better or failing this I get the message across in a jokey way. Very helpful. Try not to take his reactions personally and stand in my own power. I will not resort to sarcasm, over emotionality or games.
Thank you💗
A million thanks and dollars to you!! Your amazing I will do this ♾🙏🏼✨🎁💯❣️
Thank you so much for watching! I greatly appreciate this!
This is exactly what I have been wanting to hear,,thank you so much Alex,,
Oh i needed this really ❤️🙌
This is too exhausting
Either that, or he just has another family that you don't know about?'🤷♂️
The avoidant guy becames extremely insecure and won’t give you space after he falls inlove because he really low-key fears neglect or abandonment, so if he’s deeply damaged he will self sabotage to avoid the guilt and the pain of the whole situation, thinking negatively saying, she was acting funny so I left, yes he’s technique can work , but you can’t keep a man who don’t wanna be kept because FEAR wins every time especially when the ego is running the whole relationship, iam currently involved with an avoidant, we go days without talking I always wait 6-10hrs to respond, slowly switching things up and respond the next morning, this keeps him guessing, you have to keep him guessing, and don’t be needy, keep him confused to keep his attention… this works
No contact
Run 🏃🏻♀️ is right he’s not ripe
Dear Alex thank you for this education
You're always welcome!
Thank you for this video, very informative. Love your channel 😄✨
Thank you so much for watching!
He texted me but I turned him down feeling like I should have let him come over...ahh I don't know what to do
...
If he contacted but I turned him down Could I text to reply to his contact..
Saying how well I'm doing etc
Thank you Alex, this helped a lot ❤️
Thank you so much for watching Alwina!
Love your work.
I walked away from him and he text last Friday at 4:38 am that he wanted to talk this weekend…. Crickets… will he try again? We had a fun relationship when it was good… the connection is great but every time we got close.. he did something to push me away and refused to prioritize me.. so I walked away with just a request for my things…. I don’t want to contact him at all.. I’m tired of being pushed away.. I don’t feel like flirting anymore