Just know everyone going through a break up with an FA. Please do not blame yourself! There is nothing you could’ve done different that would’ve changed the outcome! They have to heal on their own. You can’t fix them or save them! Great video and very spot on
Thanks for that reminder! There is a tiny part of me that wants to apologize for my anger towards my ex for his hurtful treatment of me, became I rarely get angry and said things I normally would not say. But I wonder if it would make any difference any way. I don’t want to get back together, but I hate that it ended on such hurtful terms. I’ve never had a relationship end like that, they’ve always ended respectfully. Should I just let it go and try not to think about it?
So not true at the end. When a secure person gets into a relationship with an FA, they fall in love, just like anybody else. They love all the quirks and weirdness. They have empathy. But they can see past it without reacting negatively. They can deal with it all. The FA however gets a partner who can openly show their emotions, vulnerability, ask for support or needs to be met, (where necessary) and do those things for the FA, can care for them, be authentic and not play mind games or manipulate, or be anxious. The secure person offers love and stability. Here's where it gets fun.... The FA doesn't know how to deal with it. They're used to chaos and emotional distance, and anxious behaviour and having to meet their own needs. So a secure person's healthy behaviour feels weird to them. Uncomfortable. Strange. Unsafe. They will start to question if the secure person has something wrong with them, because those subconscious fears are being triggered. Why do they love me? I'm broken. There must be something wrong. This is too boring. They are obviously lying to me, not being genuine. They can't keep it up. They're going to hurt me. And then they deactivate and run off. Just like they would with anybody else. And they will quickly find themselves somebody more anxious, or avoidant, because they are familiar with those UNHEALTHY behaviours. It feels safe. Its what they grew up with, its what feels normal. The pattern is exactly the same. Being the secure partner will not exclude you from it. And the secure person will be left just as devastated. Because they loved that person. Regardless of their attachment style. And yes, we want second chances too. Being secure does not stop your heart breaking. Does not mean we can turn our feelings off like a tap.
As an FA, I find it boring you’re right but it does feel safe. That’s the best part about secure. But for sure boring. And I’m working on that now that I’m aware because I have grown tired of the merry-go-round.
Spot on. I’ve been ‘involved’ with an FA for over a year now. Inverted commas because they don’t let you define the relationship. Anyway, she chased me for months. I have never been so aggressively pursued. As soon as I reciprocated the feelings which I held back for a few more months than maybe I would’ve done had I not sensed something was different, she pushed me away. Tried having a heart-to-heart with her which was a waste of time because the eyes glaze over and she was not present. I disappeared for a bit and then it was game on for her again. The cycle continues. It’s a cliche but focusing on yourself to become more secure should you need to is the only way to break the cycle which is exhausting. I think it was in ‘No more Mr Nice Guy’ where I read that there is never only one damaged/broken person in a relationship which relates to the fact that secure people don’t seek insecure people. Focus on yourself and the magic happens. Best wishes to all 👍💪
Wow! Between the graphs in the video and your post….. The lights are ON! I am dead in the middle of this cycle 5 months in with my FA! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for posting your comment! 🙏🏾
Sounds vaguely familiar. I once dated someone like that. They pursued me and once their feelings were reciprocated, they back peddled and talked about not wanting to "label" the relationship. It was a strange experience. It takes time to get to know people well enough to reciprocate especially if they struggle with communicating emotions and feelings while you don't. They were attracted to my ability to be talk about who I was but they couldn't do the same and so I wouldn't feel the same way about them for years. When I finally did have feelings, they couldn't understand why it took so long for me to get to know them and they thought my feelings had just materialized out of thin air. They didn't understand the process that I had to go through. There was resentment on both sides because I felt like he only liked me as long as I didn't reciprocate, so that relationship went nowhere fast.
This is exactly what happened to me. In the beginning I was dismissive. When I was secure we were good. When I was anxious he became avoidant. 100% spot on!
Well but based on my experience.. they manage to turn us from being secure to anxious because of their avoidance so I think the outcome is gonna be the same anyways lol either FA being with someone secure or anxious.
@@yusee2010 yes there’s literal psychological studies stating that FA when paired with a secure will always make them become anxious because they perceive any level of intimacy as too much even from a healthy secure individual. FA think that being with someone strips them of independence and is why they are the least responsive to therapy. Interestingly they are also way higher correlated with being diagnosed as narcissists etc. Studied even show that a secure person can pair with an anxious attached person and the anxious person almost always becomes securely attached. Many psychologists say this phenomenon occurs because anxiously attached don’t inherently lack self-esteem like older dated hypotheses suggested. Newer research is showing that anxious attachment individuals were merely devalued by mainly narcissistic parents. Nothing they ever did was good enough so for caregivers but once they are with a healthy attached person they are able to regulate themselves. There are new studies wanting to see the correlation between narcissistic abuse and developing anxious attachment. What’s even more insightful is how FA is the attachment style most on the narcissist scale. It further shows how FA and anxious always end up together because the FA is basically as unavailable as the anxious individuals parents. FA are the hardest to treat and least responsive due to having more narcissistic tendencies they developed as means of protecting themselves from intimacy and abandonment.
It’s tiring.. I’ve dated one FA and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him. I don’t know what to reply to not push them away. And each text that I sent I’m riddled with “will he reply this time? If he does, how long will I have to wait? Do I follow up if he doesn’t reply?” We stopped talking for 2 weeks.. he told me to forget him and move on. I still texted him, asking him to have a good day a day at work after he broke things off. 😢 I still miss him. But he’s bad for me. I was secure. I knew my self worth. I was in a previous relationship for 6 years before my ex-fiancé passed away. I started dating and got involved with a FA. I didn’t even knew that at that time. We only met twice in 2 months. And in that 2 months there was the push-pull-hot-cold-go away-I miss you- dynamic. It hurts. I was confused a lot of the time. I’m still confused honestly. And I’m still heartbroken 💔
@@vaibhavbhardwaj3977 a lot better actually. He never came back, and he never reached out. After learning about attachement styles I decided to be happy with myself and being single. I’ve dipped my toes into dating but nothing really stuck. You’d be surprised how many men, especially successful ones that have powerful roles have some form of avoidance - dismissive, fearful, etc. And it’s really funny because they would rush and chase for a relationship in the early stages, but when shit gets real they pull away and would suddenly get super busy with work, and they’ll tell you that dating isn’t a priority any longer. I promise you, with time, you’ll get better. You’ll heal, and you’ll start attracting the right person into your life.
As an FA, I wished you hadn't kept in contact. With an FA, they need consistency, and if you're being anxiously consistent, we can sense that too. I've been in successful relationships with secure people for years, but that required them to be consistent and not at all show any weakness (anxiety, require constant reassurance), until they have completely fallen for you -- although FAs have those things themselves. The partner should know their self-worth because an FA can't respect you if you don't respect yourself. AND THEY WILL TEST YOU. Sounds tiring? It is, so thread lightly, but it's not impossible
You are right, Chris. I am a secure attachment across the board, I tried to support him emotionally and both of us which wore me out. I am very direct, was put off by him not responding to texts/not following through with plans. I am an extrovert and plan maker 💯, I at least asked for him to meet me halfway and he simply couldn’t. I liked him a lot and FA’s aren’t bad people, but if they don’t do the work they will pull their partners down emotionally with them unless either of them leave, but as avoidants it’s usually the other party that does.
To some extent I agree with the information in this video, regarding the breakup of an FA. For me, it also depends upon relationship dynamics, whether it is going well or if it is a rocky one. If everything is going well and the partner is secure, I will sabotage it myself and my avoidant side gets triggered. If the other person is dismissive or an avoidant it usually starts with a passion which later on turns into hate, as my insecurities with the avoidant will cause anxiety and leave me no choice to turn on my shutting down strategies. If the other person is anxious, I exhibit my dismissive side and is easier for me to ghost or dismiss the partner completely. In short, no matter the attachment style of the partner, my aviodant side is triggered in the end. Hope that helps.
As someone who was ghosted out of a friendship: You hurt the person way more than if you would do a clear break up. It's devestating. With all empathy for your wounds and attachment struggles: Please stop ghosting. It keeps the other person in a constant loop of grief, hope and confusion and just prolongs their suffering.
its weird some of you FAs know your problem and yet still cannot pluck up the courage to face your fears. You know its sabotaging your life, you know its hurting people, yet you continue to hurt people instead of confronting your inner demons. Its a very selfish act you choose to hurt multiple people over resolving your own psychological issues.
I've always been secure. My Fa screwed me over. I'm still mainly secure. Slightly leaning anxious. But I'm working in myself. I will soon be very centred again. Damn the FA is toxic!
They can send even the most secure attachers into anxiousness. Walking on freaking eggshells cos you never freaking know what they think or feel and how they'll react to you. The fact that they don't see disagreements and conflicts as resolvable and normal is hell on earth.
Thanks Chris. I needed this. My ex was FA....pretty sure. He dumped me and blocked me because he did not want to explain why he broke up with me. Two weeks later he was dating a new girl. Day 39 of no contact. Still hurts. This makes me feel like I wasn't good enough. I never existed
U were enough , u existed … FA know they deeply don’t have the ability to love people the right way so they tend to run away from love they feel is too good . They are too lazy to do the work required in mutually fulfilling relationships,they know the work required ,they will try ,but get burned out and have no choice but get in the fight /flight mood Avoidants it’s all about people feeling they don’t deserve love and will desire it ,go after it , get it and run away from it Sad
@@msiryn9151 thanks for that. Its 6 weeks tomorrow. Still hurts. I still wish he could call me even though I know he isn't good for me. 😕 I need more help than therapy
@@unwelcomemotivation oh my ex has not reached out at all. But I think its for the best. It has been 4 months now but im finally seeing that it was him not being enough for me. He got scared and ran. I'm wish him well. I've moved on but it was definitely difficult
When my FA ex pulled the second rollercoaster breakup I said “I agree let’s do it. You’re making the right decision.” She was shook and kept saying “do you have anything else you want to say?” And I said “no this is good with me.” She was shook. She wanted a fight. Wanted begging and pleading. She started the breakup confident and by the end her voice was trembling and shaking. She was flip flopping during the breakup. These people are aimless and ruled by emotional impulses, not logic and reason and healthy communication. It’s near impossible to meet their needs because they don’t even align with their own needs and can’t communicate. Save yourself the heartache and wish them well if they’re unwilling to do the deep work and commit to healing and working on the relationship. Plenty of fish in the sea.
Totally agree ! With my guy three years we were engaged we were suppose to get married this summer and then he starts panicking every fight threatening to break up with me saying he feels controlled and I never controlled him saying he never gets alone time and space and he did . Nothing was enough space for him he was never happy then he blindsided me and moved out Sunday . It’s heartbreaking because I thought we were fine besides his temper tantrums when we had arguments but here we are . Roller coaster ride
Doesn’t sound like a FA at all. Sounds more like she is anxious or has borderline personality disorder. It’s the anxious type that is prone to manipulation. If an avoidant breaks up with you she doesn’t want you to beg to get back together, she just wants to get out of there as it’s no longer safe or comfortable for her. Be careful diagnosing other human beings based on UA-cam videos.
@jaybee4288 what makes this borderline. I don't know some FAs can have borderline, usually that's how they are developed. The confusing behavior is something that an FA would do. To me she sounds pretty accurate. Most FAs are extremely confusing. Hot,cold. I think your wrong, anxious people want the relationship. FAs will keave during any pressure. Aka:marriage.
Spot on. I'll not go into details of my discard. But the psychology you highlighted here is exactly how they think. They get a shock that you do not want to stay in their lives anymore. Its a tsunami of conflicting emotions you see on their faces, distraught, lost. Not being able to express their deep emotions, because they don't want to face it. Stay away from unware FAs who do not want to accept they have an issue with their psychological state. They will, and will destroy even a secure person over time.
My ex of 12 years broke it off with me 2 months ago by a text (we're 42 & have kids). She immediately started going out with her friends all weekend & during the week. I didn't hear from her & I went NC. She told me that she goes out so she doesn't have to "feel the hurt." I went no contact besides talking about our kids but limited it to a couple words. I've been doing great myself - working out, losing weight, working on hobbies, etc, etc. She's been starting to come around more over the last week. Light texting, giving me hugs when I see her, putting her face by mine so I can give her a kiss, etc. I try not to even acknowledge the affection or bring up "us." Acting like I don't really care & seemingly walking away is actually pulling her closer. The first week she just kept saying she was "going out with people" and now she will actually tell me who she's going with without me asking like I used to ask. She's been super nice, sits close to me, gives hugs, and puts her face close to mine when hugging so I can kiss her. I joke with her saying that she better make some moves on me before someone else does (she knows I've been asked to go on 2 different dates). I can definitely see her starting to come back around but Ive been starting to get comfortable being on my own again & doing whatever I want, plus my bank acct looks WAY better than it did 2 months ago. lol She knows I'm a good guy & to find someone like myself in the world of dating after 40 would be tough to find.
Walking on eggshells in a minefield of triggers.....yeah that sounds like the love of my life......not! Put them in the trashcan between the narc and borderliner, and stay away. They drain your energy like vampires with their push & pull games. I'm going for real and natural love in a partner, not protocols and constant validation in a project.
Your a flicking straight up genius! I literally was just wracking my brain on how to get this content to younger people in way they would want and except. Then boom there you were!!!! Damn good job. Great job hats off to you sir. It's perfect. And so desperately needed. Well done
I feel like i am an FA, and my first longer-term bf was also an FA. I got so confused by the hot and cold. I felt like i had to get out of that relationship with me being absolutely in love with him.
WOW! the last sentence of this video got me there...i'm an ANXIOUS and i got tired of my DA and i broke up with him a 2 times and want to date a secure person so,in a weird way,i decided to just go on with my life and find the secure person ,i'm not here to heal peoples,i'm not a nurse so,I deserve better!
Thanku coach Chris for explaining theses differant styles, I now understand why my bf keeps leaving n giving me the silent treatments without actually breaking up n keeps coming back. Love how u explain n describe every proceess. 🙏
As a fearful I don't agree with everything. I meet someone. Like them. Once I get close I pick at everything. Worry they will hurt me and begin to see them as an enemy. Dump them. Feel relieved...then depressed. I don't feel lonely but feel lost. I would never go back to an ex though as I have created a repulsion about them. I could never see them as I did before. But I will miss the person I felt they were before, but in my head I feel they are totally changed
Read what you just wrote. Your views of those other person are being formed through your issues. Get therapy and become secure and you'll see how messed up what you just said is. I'm not judging you, just being real. You need help
@@JohnBoulding I have a hard time empathizing with ppl that can destroy someone they claim to love the most and discard them, give little to no explanation and carry on with their lives like years spent together meant nothing.
why didnt i know this before... I was secure, but because of her i became anxious... Now im finding myself again, but my ex doesnt come back.. i know this.. and me i am moving on.. getting myself together and date somebody again.. but first.. try to get the love of my life out of my head.. it takes time
this is the most difficult thing i've ever been through and i was in combat in Iraq for 12 months lol. She still is madly in love with me but won't continue the relationship for fear that she will destroy it later on and hurt me even worse. She's hot and cold. a week or two cold and then 3 days of extreme heat and passion and then back to cold
This is the thing: At least I'll put it that way, I don't connect with most or many, and under those circumstances, there is no relationship. I don't know what others think, and if they seem to think something, I'd rather not know or have anything to do with it. If it feels like someone else had genuine hurt, no, I don't like it. I have empathy. But I didn't connect because that's not what I do. And then, there's the extremely rare relationship, and yes, they're missed when realized. That attachment might be with someone who showed up every half year, because that works for an avoidant, and in a half year, I realize it's over, and I'm depressed. I might be depressed for a few years. That's how rarely I connect. And then there's that even rarer one in which the attachment is on the intense level, and... wow. The loss is like being clobbered. I'll feel that for years. I won't really recover. I won't be able to repeat it. I don't know about "eight steps..."
How can they miss and return to you if they already moved onto the next person? My ex didn’t seem interested in their exes when we were together, they were just interested in the next person.
Am a F.A female,working on myself and yes I am not interested in exes or the next person,when the go no contact with someone trust me there's always a reason,which in my brain of overthinking I could be right about it or wrong,and that's why open and honest communication is important with your person,if I feel safe to open up I will,but if I don't feel safe with someone am ok if we never speak again.
I left my wife for another girl that was a fearful.. what a mistake. Karma. I don't doubt that she loved me, but she turned me from a secure to anxious and then I started getting nasty with her because she'd always leave when I thought we were great
It is a no-sens to move on your things.. You are with your things in or out of a relationship... They should stay calm and not trigger anxiety... Why they put stop when everything is good... They are afraid of commitment because they have any comfort they want.. Me too... We have our houses etc...
Can your FA partner have a phantom ex but also resent the phantom ex? She reached out to me after 4 months no contact. It's been really hot and cold since then and she told me that she had a lot of pain for things I did but never apologized for. Eventually I apologized for everything one by one using the new communication skills I learned but still really hot and cold behavior. When she's anxious she will keep the conversation going even though responses are very short and direct. But sometimes she video calls me and she's very present and kinda like before. At present she's in deactivated/avoidant mode and didn't message me at all, but I'm still much more aware of everything so I'm not allowing my AP triggers to get in the way and taking everything slow.
My fa ex broke up with 7years out of no blocked me on everything been 6 weeks and she started to see someone with in 2 weeks of leaving, I was about to move aboard to her like we always planned then boom gone just like that, no explanation
Why do they move on quickly folks? Many reason, mostly to ignore self reflection, be happy for a small time frame, and repeat to infinity. Mine came back after a year with someone else. I so badly wanted then back. I saw many differences the second time. But still one slip up, too much communication and boom, left again. Blocked me and jolted. Interestingly enough told me he never lived the rebound, that he had resentment for me, and wanted to move on. But wasn't truly in love. Then contacted her while we tried for a second time. So lies deceit and refusing true conversations around it. In increments. Telling me he's a man. But the real deal is he either had the ex as back up to keep her if things went wrong, or just to have her like him because he needs to feel needed. Or will be back with her or someone new. No real explain other than you and my ex spoke. It's over. Block. Block again. Met me, barely spoke. And we've been NC since...I'm not going back. I'm tired if this for years.
Why in the world would you assume that the fearful avoidant will miss the ex, instead of simply missing being in a relationship? An ex is an ex for a reason. The Phantom ex is someone who isn't available, and not all ex partners become phantom exes. Out of all my ex partners, I only missed one, and in all other cases I simply wanted to find someone new.
if only all fearful avoidants work in the same way and cycle....i swear my fearful avoidant go through those 7 stages in 1 week lol swinging back and forth all the time. But we talked it out, he's aware of his behaviour and willing to work on it so we'll see. I am also a fearful avoidant myself but more on the anxious side and very self-aware. i'm trying to become that bigger person in this relationship and keep us grounded lol These attachment styles theory is not all black and white after all.
It really isn't black n white, am fearful avoidant female and I use I use to see things as black n white but it's not and am embracing and learning that
Always funny to see ‘nice’ people talk about avoidants who for the most part suffered in childhood. I was raped as a child for example and had to keep it quiet. So I didn’t learn how to relate to people properly. So when someone gets too close I pull away. And y’all talk like we’re the demon or something when anxious people are far more selfish and manipulative and intentionally hurtful than we are with far less of a reason for it.
Awe this isn't always the case. It depends. No avoidant is the same as the other. No anxious is the same as the other. I do realize that some FAs are more violent and volitile than others, some cheat chronically and some don't, some anxious people are only anxious because of avoidant behaviors, some things both do are extremely manipulative and controlling. Anxious sometimes were secure, until they met an avoidant, just as an avoidanf meeting an avoidant makes them anxious. Sometimes people hold grudges for over a decade and feel anxiety about you from years prior. Each case is unique
Dear Chris! This video (and all of your videos) are so helpful! Can you please make a video about how is an anxious attachment style works...in the similar way... like this hamsterwheel graphic with the avoidants? Thank you so much...🙏💗
Typically we do. They breakup and get back together with you multiple times if you allow them to. When they are finally done they will never come back. I’ve went back to almost all my ex’s almost 4 times each. My only secure relationship, I broke up with them twice the second time I never came back.
@@loria287 did you go back to your ex’s because of the love you had for them or? because my ex i think is FA and she’s currently seeing someone else but a month ago she was very physically and emotionally intimate with me telling me she loves me and always will… so i’m just confused.
FAs find it really difficult to maintain relationships and crave intimacy and depth so they will want to retain that relationship. I hope you protected yourself and set boundaries with her, you are not her emotional safety net
Am an F.A female,I have never jumped in a relationship quickly after one is over,also I don't go back to exes depending on the circumstances of the break-up. But mostly once am done that's it,and I thinks people deserve more grace,we are all human.
As an FA I really don’t go through all of these phases, if I brake up with someone is because 9xs out of 10 I gave warnings, what sucks about those warnings is that the other person thinks they are not serious enough for me to walk away, but I will! I can’t date APs because they drain me. When I did and I asked for time alone they would either rant on why do I need the time alone or they just couldn’t stay away long enough and start txtn and calling me. I’m also NOT a physical person I don’t like hugs and kisses, so sometimes my partners can’t understand that too much physical affection can also cause me to pull back hence they get more hurt and start the blame game, you don’t love me, are you mad at me? Why this and why that ugh I just can’t take all the questioning! It is important for an FA and a DA to still feel free and independent even in relationships we don’t like feeling like the other person can’t live without us. That makes me feel like I’m suffocating and trapped. So if you show signs that you can’t live you’re own life that will cause a FA and DA to walk away and chances are we won’t come back. A DA will come back probably sooner than the FA will. Once we are done we are done.
And you think it’s healthy to disconnect emotionally and physically in a relationship???! Why be in a relationship?? MO: no emotional or physical nurturing as a child. (Now it’s labeled as emotional abuse as a child. Not normal)
Started off as secure but he made me anxious due to concerning things he’s said and the harsh break up at first. Just went through the second time, I think it’s over for real. 😔
Note on the death wheel. For my recent relationship fallout the “I’m happy I left” stage was more of the “screw him” phase where I was angry and hated him and felt he was a terrible person and I deserved better. Then when I went in the following anxious reminiscing phase I allowed myself to miss him and suddenly I was in love with him and felt that if he just came back and apologized we could start over and try again etc.
Just know everyone going through a break up with an FA. Please do not blame yourself! There is nothing you could’ve done different that would’ve changed the outcome! They have to heal on their own. You can’t fix them or save them! Great video and very spot on
Thanks for that reminder! There is a tiny part of me that wants to apologize for my anger towards my ex for his hurtful treatment of me, became I rarely get angry and said things I normally would not say. But I wonder if it would make any difference any way. I don’t want to get back together, but I hate that it ended on such hurtful terms. I’ve never had a relationship end like that, they’ve always ended respectfully. Should I just let it go and try not to think about it?
@@alexissashanicolle8675 just let it go
@@zuhairitani4244 thanks for being a voice of reason!
So Damm true 🤠!
So what do we do to get them back?
Finished a two year relationship with an FA and it felt like I was on a one way street with a dead end.
So not true at the end.
When a secure person gets into a relationship with an FA, they fall in love, just like anybody else. They love all the quirks and weirdness. They have empathy. But they can see past it without reacting negatively. They can deal with it all.
The FA however gets a partner who can openly show their emotions, vulnerability, ask for support or needs to be met, (where necessary) and do those things for the FA, can care for them, be authentic and not play mind games or manipulate, or be anxious. The secure person offers love and stability.
Here's where it gets fun.... The FA doesn't know how to deal with it. They're used to chaos and emotional distance, and anxious behaviour and having to meet their own needs. So a secure person's healthy behaviour feels weird to them. Uncomfortable. Strange. Unsafe. They will start to question if the secure person has something wrong with them, because those subconscious fears are being triggered. Why do they love me? I'm broken. There must be something wrong. This is too boring. They are obviously lying to me, not being genuine. They can't keep it up. They're going to hurt me.
And then they deactivate and run off. Just like they would with anybody else. And they will quickly find themselves somebody more anxious, or avoidant, because they are familiar with those UNHEALTHY behaviours. It feels safe. Its what they grew up with, its what feels normal.
The pattern is exactly the same. Being the secure partner will not exclude you from it.
And the secure person will be left just as devastated. Because they loved that person. Regardless of their attachment style.
And yes, we want second chances too. Being secure does not stop your heart breaking. Does not mean we can turn our feelings off like a tap.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
Very accurate!
As an FA, I find it boring you’re right but it does feel safe. That’s the best part about secure. But for sure boring. And I’m working on that now that I’m aware because I have grown tired of the merry-go-round.
Air Bubble, You nailed it 100%
I’m not interested in breaking any cycle. They can go to therapy and work on themselves, take self accountability, or everybody can just move on.
"I found someone, my troubles are over" is definitely not secure. This is still in the anxious stage I'd say.
Spot on. I’ve been ‘involved’ with an FA for over a year now. Inverted commas because they don’t let you define the relationship. Anyway, she chased me for months. I have never been so aggressively pursued. As soon as I reciprocated the feelings which I held back for a few more months than maybe I would’ve done had I not sensed something was different, she pushed me away. Tried having a heart-to-heart with her which was a waste of time because the eyes glaze over and she was not present. I disappeared for a bit and then it was game on for her again. The cycle continues. It’s a cliche but focusing on yourself to become more secure should you need to is the only way to break the cycle which is exhausting. I think it was in ‘No more Mr Nice Guy’ where I read that there is never only one damaged/broken person in a relationship which relates to the fact that secure people don’t seek insecure people. Focus on yourself and the magic happens. Best wishes to all 👍💪
Wow! Between the graphs in the video and your post….. The lights are ON! I am dead in the middle of this cycle 5 months in with my FA! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for posting your comment! 🙏🏾
Sounds like a true narcissist
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
Sounds vaguely familiar. I once dated someone like that. They pursued me and once their feelings were reciprocated, they back peddled and talked about not wanting to "label" the relationship. It was a strange experience. It takes time to get to know people well enough to reciprocate especially if they struggle with communicating emotions and feelings while you don't. They were attracted to my ability to be talk about who I was but they couldn't do the same and so I wouldn't feel the same way about them for years. When I finally did have feelings, they couldn't understand why it took so long for me to get to know them and they thought my feelings had just materialized out of thin air. They didn't understand the process that I had to go through. There was resentment on both sides because I felt like he only liked me as long as I didn't reciprocate, so that relationship went nowhere fast.
This is exactly what happened to me. In the beginning I was dismissive. When I was secure we were good. When I was anxious he became avoidant. 100% spot on!
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
Well but based on my experience.. they manage to turn us from being secure to anxious because of their avoidance so I think the outcome is gonna be the same anyways lol either FA being with someone secure or anxious.
@@yusee2010 yes there’s literal psychological studies stating that FA when paired with a secure will always make them become anxious because they perceive any level of intimacy as too much even from a healthy secure individual. FA think that being with someone strips them of independence and is why they are the least responsive to therapy. Interestingly they are also way higher correlated with being diagnosed as narcissists etc. Studied even show that a secure person can pair with an anxious attached person and the anxious person almost always becomes securely attached. Many psychologists say this phenomenon occurs because anxiously attached don’t inherently lack self-esteem like older dated hypotheses suggested. Newer research is showing that anxious attachment individuals were merely devalued by mainly narcissistic parents. Nothing they ever did was good enough so for caregivers but once they are with a healthy attached person they are able to regulate themselves. There are new studies wanting to see the correlation between narcissistic abuse and developing anxious attachment. What’s even more insightful is how FA is the attachment style most on the narcissist scale. It further shows how FA and anxious always end up together because the FA is basically as unavailable as the anxious individuals parents. FA are the hardest to treat and least responsive due to having more narcissistic tendencies they developed as means of protecting themselves from intimacy and abandonment.
It’s tiring.. I’ve dated one FA and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him. I don’t know what to reply to not push them away. And each text that I sent I’m riddled with “will he reply this time? If he does, how long will I have to wait? Do I follow up if he doesn’t reply?”
We stopped talking for 2 weeks.. he told me to forget him and move on. I still texted him, asking him to have a good day a day at work after he broke things off. 😢
I still miss him.
But he’s bad for me. I was secure. I knew my self worth. I was in a previous relationship for 6 years before my ex-fiancé passed away. I started dating and got involved with a FA. I didn’t even knew that at that time. We only met twice in 2 months. And in that 2 months there was the push-pull-hot-cold-go away-I miss you- dynamic. It hurts. I was confused a lot of the time.
I’m still confused honestly. And I’m still heartbroken 💔
Feeling the same thing...how are doing now?
@@vaibhavbhardwaj3977 a lot better actually. He never came back, and he never reached out. After learning about attachement styles I decided to be happy with myself and being single. I’ve dipped my toes into dating but nothing really stuck. You’d be surprised how many men, especially successful ones that have powerful roles have some form of avoidance - dismissive, fearful, etc. And it’s really funny because they would rush and chase for a relationship in the early stages, but when shit gets real they pull away and would suddenly get super busy with work, and they’ll tell you that dating isn’t a priority any longer.
I promise you, with time, you’ll get better. You’ll heal, and you’ll start attracting the right person into your life.
everytime i read secure attached ppl talking about relationship with a FA its like reading my story :D
As an FA, I wished you hadn't kept in contact. With an FA, they need consistency, and if you're being anxiously consistent, we can sense that too. I've been in successful relationships with secure people for years, but that required them to be consistent and not at all show any weakness (anxiety, require constant reassurance), until they have completely fallen for you -- although FAs have those things themselves. The partner should know their self-worth because an FA can't respect you if you don't respect yourself. AND THEY WILL TEST YOU. Sounds tiring? It is, so thread lightly, but it's not impossible
You are right, Chris. I am a secure attachment across the board, I tried to support him emotionally and both of us which wore me out. I am very direct, was put off by him not responding to texts/not following through with plans. I am an extrovert and plan maker 💯, I at least asked for him to meet me halfway and he simply couldn’t. I liked him a lot and FA’s aren’t bad people, but if they don’t do the work they will pull their partners down emotionally with them unless either of them leave, but as avoidants it’s usually the other party that does.
To some extent I agree with the information in this video, regarding the breakup of an FA. For me, it also depends upon relationship dynamics, whether it is going well or if it is a rocky one. If everything is going well and the partner is secure, I will sabotage it myself and my avoidant side gets triggered. If the other person is dismissive or an avoidant it usually starts with a passion which later on turns into hate, as my insecurities with the avoidant will cause anxiety and leave me no choice to turn on my shutting down strategies. If the other person is anxious, I exhibit my dismissive side and is easier for me to ghost or dismiss the partner completely. In short, no matter the attachment style of the partner, my aviodant side is triggered in the end. Hope that helps.
As someone who was ghosted out of a friendship: You hurt the person way more than if you would do a clear break up. It's devestating. With all empathy for your wounds and attachment struggles: Please stop ghosting. It keeps the other person in a constant loop of grief, hope and confusion and just prolongs their suffering.
It does help. Thank you
its weird some of you FAs know your problem and yet still cannot pluck up the courage to face your fears. You know its sabotaging your life, you know its hurting people, yet you continue to hurt people instead of confronting your inner demons. Its a very selfish act you choose to hurt multiple people over resolving your own psychological issues.
@@The_whimsical_avoidantcope if it really was that easy, all of us wouldn't be here.
I've always been secure. My Fa screwed me over. I'm still mainly secure. Slightly leaning anxious. But I'm working in myself. I will soon be very centred again. Damn the FA is toxic!
They can send even the most secure attachers into anxiousness. Walking on freaking eggshells cos you never freaking know what they think or feel and how they'll react to you. The fact that they don't see disagreements and conflicts as resolvable and normal is hell on earth.
Thanks Chris. I needed this. My ex was FA....pretty sure. He dumped me and blocked me because he did not want to explain why he broke up with me. Two weeks later he was dating a new girl. Day 39 of no contact. Still hurts. This makes me feel like I wasn't good enough. I never existed
U were enough , u existed … FA know they deeply don’t have the ability to love people the right way so they tend to run away from love they feel is too good .
They are too lazy to do the work required in mutually fulfilling relationships,they know the work required ,they will try ,but get burned out and have no choice but get in the fight /flight mood
Avoidants it’s all about people feeling they don’t deserve love and will desire it ,go after it , get it and run away from it
Sad
@@msiryn9151 thanks for that. Its 6 weeks tomorrow. Still hurts. I still wish he could call me even though I know he isn't good for me. 😕 I need more help than therapy
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
@@unwelcomemotivation oh my ex has not reached out at all. But I think its for the best. It has been 4 months now but im finally seeing that it was him not being enough for me. He got scared and ran. I'm wish him well. I've moved on but it was definitely difficult
Why would you even want someone like this back?!? Nothing they do is about the other person.
When my FA ex pulled the second rollercoaster breakup I said “I agree let’s do it. You’re making the right decision.”
She was shook and kept saying “do you have anything else you want to say?” And I said “no this is good with me.”
She was shook. She wanted a fight. Wanted begging and pleading.
She started the breakup confident and by the end her voice was trembling and shaking. She was flip flopping during the breakup.
These people are aimless and ruled by emotional impulses, not logic and reason and healthy communication. It’s near impossible to meet their needs because they don’t even align with their own needs and can’t communicate. Save yourself the heartache and wish them well if they’re unwilling to do the deep work and commit to healing and working on the relationship.
Plenty of fish in the sea.
Totally agree ! With my guy three years we were engaged we were suppose to get married this summer and then he starts panicking every fight threatening to break up with me saying he feels controlled and I never controlled him saying he never gets alone time and space and he did . Nothing was enough space for him he was never happy then he blindsided me and moved out Sunday . It’s heartbreaking because I thought we were fine besides his temper tantrums when we had arguments but here we are . Roller coaster ride
Doesn’t sound like a FA at all. Sounds more like she is anxious or has borderline personality disorder. It’s the anxious type that is prone to manipulation. If an avoidant breaks up with you she doesn’t want you to beg to get back together, she just wants to get out of there as it’s no longer safe or comfortable for her. Be careful diagnosing other human beings based on UA-cam videos.
You’re spot on with this! They themselves do not align with their needs! They’re a ball of confusion and contradiction and have zero self awareness
@jaybee4288 what makes this borderline. I don't know some FAs can have borderline, usually that's how they are developed. The confusing behavior is something that an FA would do. To me she sounds pretty accurate. Most FAs are extremely confusing. Hot,cold. I think your wrong, anxious people want the relationship. FAs will keave during any pressure. Aka:marriage.
Spot on. I'll not go into details of my discard. But the psychology you highlighted here is exactly how they think. They get a shock that you do not want to stay in their lives anymore. Its a tsunami of conflicting emotions you see on their faces, distraught, lost. Not being able to express their deep emotions, because they don't want to face it. Stay away from unware FAs who do not want to accept they have an issue with their psychological state. They will, and will destroy even a secure person over time.
Im a fearful avoidant and I hate it I want to fix it.
Please do before you get into a relationship
Are you leaving a Relationship?
Here it is. The greatest and most accurate video to ever make it to UA-cam.
Glad you think so!
Yes true
My ex of 12 years broke it off with me 2 months ago by a text (we're 42 & have kids). She immediately started going out with her friends all weekend & during the week. I didn't hear from her & I went NC. She told me that she goes out so she doesn't have to "feel the hurt." I went no contact besides talking about our kids but limited it to a couple words. I've been doing great myself - working out, losing weight, working on hobbies, etc, etc. She's been starting to come around more over the last week. Light texting, giving me hugs when I see her, putting her face by mine so I can give her a kiss, etc. I try not to even acknowledge the affection or bring up "us." Acting like I don't really care & seemingly walking away is actually pulling her closer. The first week she just kept saying she was "going out with people" and now she will actually tell me who she's going with without me asking like I used to ask. She's been super nice, sits close to me, gives hugs, and puts her face close to mine when hugging so I can kiss her. I joke with her saying that she better make some moves on me before someone else does (she knows I've been asked to go on 2 different dates). I can definitely see her starting to come back around but Ive been starting to get comfortable being on my own again & doing whatever I want, plus my bank acct looks WAY better than it did 2 months ago. lol She knows I'm a good guy & to find someone like myself in the world of dating after 40 would be tough to find.
Walking on eggshells in a minefield of triggers.....yeah that sounds like the love of my life......not! Put them in the trashcan between the narc and borderliner, and stay away.
They drain your energy like vampires with their push & pull games.
I'm going for real and natural love in a partner, not protocols and constant validation in a project.
Your a flicking straight up genius! I literally was just wracking my brain on how to get this content to younger people in way they would want and except. Then boom there you were!!!! Damn good job. Great job hats off to you sir. It's perfect. And so desperately needed. Well done
I feel like i am an FA, and my first longer-term bf was also an FA. I got so confused by the hot and cold. I felt like i had to get out of that relationship with me being absolutely in love with him.
WOW! the last sentence of this video got me there...i'm an ANXIOUS and i got tired of my DA and i broke up with him a 2 times and want to date a secure person so,in a weird way,i decided to just go on with my life and find the secure person ,i'm not here to heal peoples,i'm not a nurse so,I deserve better!
I'm a nurse and I'm still not here to heal these people hahaha
Thanku coach Chris for explaining theses differant styles, I now understand why my bf keeps leaving n giving me the silent treatments without actually breaking up n keeps coming back.
Love how u explain n describe every proceess. 🙏
Perfectly explained Chris. Exactly what my ex was.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
Sometimes the universe gives you what you need at just the right time. This video has put my anxious mind at ease. Thank you Chris.
As a fearful I don't agree with everything. I meet someone. Like them. Once I get close I pick at everything. Worry they will hurt me and begin to see them as an enemy. Dump them. Feel relieved...then depressed. I don't feel lonely but feel lost. I would never go back to an ex though as I have created a repulsion about them. I could never see them as I did before. But I will miss the person I felt they were before, but in my head I feel they are totally changed
That’s insane
Read what you just wrote. Your views of those other person are being formed through your issues. Get therapy and become secure and you'll see how messed up what you just said is. I'm not judging you, just being real. You need help
@@JohnBoulding I have a hard time empathizing with ppl that can destroy someone they claim to love the most and discard them, give little to no explanation and carry on with their lives like years spent together meant nothing.
Either you are a boderline or narcissistic, seek help and commit to regulate your mental illness
Get help. Its actually insane you can say this out loud here and not think its a problem and go around ruining people.
why didnt i know this before... I was secure, but because of her i became anxious... Now im finding myself again, but my ex doesnt come back.. i know this.. and me i am moving on.. getting myself together and date somebody again.. but first.. try to get the love of my life out of my head.. it takes time
Uproot the thought in your brain, that she was the love your life. No she wasn’t.
But she’s out there…
this is the most difficult thing i've ever been through and i was in combat in Iraq for 12 months lol. She still is madly in love with me but won't continue the relationship for fear that she will destroy it later on and hurt me even worse. She's hot and cold. a week or two cold and then 3 days of extreme heat and passion and then back to cold
Assure her that she is safe with you,that's if you truly love her and it will be fine
This is the thing: At least I'll put it that way, I don't connect with most or many, and under those circumstances, there is no relationship. I don't know what others think, and if they seem to think something, I'd rather not know or have anything to do with it. If it feels like someone else had genuine hurt, no, I don't like it. I have empathy. But I didn't connect because that's not what I do. And then, there's the extremely rare relationship, and yes, they're missed when realized. That attachment might be with someone who showed up every half year, because that works for an avoidant, and in a half year, I realize it's over, and I'm depressed. I might be depressed for a few years. That's how rarely I connect. And then there's that even rarer one in which the attachment is on the intense level, and... wow. The loss is like being clobbered. I'll feel that for years. I won't really recover. I won't be able to repeat it. I don't know about "eight steps..."
How can they miss and return to you if they already moved onto the next person? My ex didn’t seem interested in their exes when we were together, they were just interested in the next person.
Am a F.A female,working on myself and yes I am not interested in exes or the next person,when the go no contact with someone trust me there's always a reason,which in my brain of overthinking I could be right about it or wrong,and that's why open and honest communication is important with your person,if I feel safe to open up I will,but if I don't feel safe with someone am ok if we never speak again.
New to this and it’s a nightmare
Great video
I left my wife for another girl that was a fearful.. what a mistake. Karma. I don't doubt that she loved me, but she turned me from a secure to anxious and then I started getting nasty with her because she'd always leave when I thought we were great
Guess who’s hardly ever single: Secure attachment people. Haha.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
Huh? No, they’re okay with being single. They take their time finding a partner. Avoidant dive in impulsively.
As a secure attachment I don’t agree,as secure we are able to be alone and work on ourselves in conjunction :)
It is a no-sens to move on your things.. You are with your things in or out of a relationship... They should stay calm and not trigger anxiety... Why they put stop when everything is good... They are afraid of commitment because they have any comfort they want.. Me too... We have our houses etc...
Very well explained😄
Thank you. This helped tremendously by understanding the rat wheel and how they feel. Nore secure it is. !
Can your FA partner have a phantom ex but also resent the phantom ex? She reached out to me after 4 months no contact. It's been really hot and cold since then and she told me that she had a lot of pain for things I did but never apologized for. Eventually I apologized for everything one by one using the new communication skills I learned but still really hot and cold behavior. When she's anxious she will keep the conversation going even though responses are very short and direct. But sometimes she video calls me and she's very present and kinda like before. At present she's in deactivated/avoidant mode and didn't message me at all, but I'm still much more aware of everything so I'm not allowing my AP triggers to get in the way and taking everything slow.
My fa ex broke up with 7years out of no blocked me on everything been 6 weeks and she started to see someone with in 2 weeks of leaving, I was about to move aboard to her like we always planned then boom gone just like that, no explanation
Why do they move on quickly folks? Many reason, mostly to ignore self reflection, be happy for a small time frame, and repeat to infinity. Mine came back after a year with someone else. I so badly wanted then back. I saw many differences the second time. But still one slip up, too much communication and boom, left again. Blocked me and jolted. Interestingly enough told me he never lived the rebound, that he had resentment for me, and wanted to move on. But wasn't truly in love. Then contacted her while we tried for a second time. So lies deceit and refusing true conversations around it. In increments. Telling me he's a man. But the real deal is he either had the ex as back up to keep her if things went wrong, or just to have her like him because he needs to feel needed. Or will be back with her or someone new. No real explain other than you and my ex spoke. It's over. Block. Block again. Met me, barely spoke. And we've been NC since...I'm not going back. I'm tired if this for years.
"Ok cool, I can move on, I'll find someone else"? What sort of a robot are you??
Why in the world would you assume that the fearful avoidant will miss the ex, instead of simply missing being in a relationship? An ex is an ex for a reason. The Phantom ex is someone who isn't available, and not all ex partners become phantom exes.
Out of all my ex partners, I only missed one, and in all other cases I simply wanted to find someone new.
The link he refers to leads to a sales pitch to sell a program
I’m new to this channel and this was very helpful. Thank you for the eye-opening content!
if only all fearful avoidants work in the same way and cycle....i swear my fearful avoidant go through those 7 stages in 1 week lol swinging back and forth all the time. But we talked it out, he's aware of his behaviour and willing to work on it so we'll see. I am also a fearful avoidant myself but more on the anxious side and very self-aware. i'm trying to become that bigger person in this relationship and keep us grounded lol These attachment styles theory is not all black and white after all.
It really isn't black n white, am fearful avoidant female and I use I use to see things as black n white but it's not and am embracing and learning that
Always funny to see ‘nice’ people talk about avoidants who for the most part suffered in childhood. I was raped as a child for example and had to keep it quiet. So I didn’t learn how to relate to people properly. So when someone gets too close I pull away. And y’all talk like we’re the demon or something when anxious people are far more selfish and manipulative and intentionally hurtful than we are with far less of a reason for it.
You putting a lot of your lens on the topic.
Your experience does not define the whole topic.
Im sorry you got hurt but have u thought that the way you see others' "manipulation" is just your own perception coloured with your personal trauma?
Awe this isn't always the case. It depends. No avoidant is the same as the other. No anxious is the same as the other. I do realize that some FAs are more violent and volitile than others, some cheat chronically and some don't, some anxious people are only anxious because of avoidant behaviors, some things both do are extremely manipulative and controlling. Anxious sometimes were secure, until they met an avoidant, just as an avoidanf meeting an avoidant makes them anxious. Sometimes people hold grudges for over a decade and feel anxiety about you from years prior. Each case is unique
yes, even if you don’t deserve it.
Dear Chris! This video (and all of your videos) are so helpful!
Can you please make a video about how is an anxious attachment style works...in the similar way... like this hamsterwheel graphic with the avoidants?
Thank you so much...🙏💗
Do FA come back? Even if they jump into next relationship very soon.
mine did. usually when they are fighting with new downgrade or lonely...maybe yours will bw diff
I said hell no..
Typically we do. They breakup and get back together with you multiple times if you allow them to. When they are finally done they will never come back. I’ve went back to almost all my ex’s almost 4 times each. My only secure relationship, I broke up with them twice the second time I never came back.
@@loria287 did you go back to your ex’s because of the love you had for them or? because my ex i think is FA and she’s currently seeing someone else but a month ago she was very physically and emotionally intimate with me telling me she loves me and always will… so i’m just confused.
FAs find it really difficult to maintain relationships and crave intimacy and depth so they will want to retain that relationship. I hope you protected yourself and set boundaries with her, you are not her emotional safety net
Am an F.A female,I have never jumped in a relationship quickly after one is over,also I don't go back to exes depending on the circumstances of the break-up. But mostly once am done that's it,and I thinks people deserve more grace,we are all human.
Will a rebound cause them to skip steps 7, 8 and 1?
@Chris does this apply to both sexes, being a fearful avoidants?
So true. And trying
If they've monkey branched to the next one then will they still become nostalgic?
As an FA I really don’t go through all of these phases, if I brake up with someone is because 9xs out of 10 I gave warnings, what sucks about those warnings is that the other person thinks they are not serious enough for me to walk away, but I will! I can’t date APs because they drain me. When I did and I asked for time alone they would either rant on why do I need the time alone or they just couldn’t stay away long enough and start txtn and calling me. I’m also NOT a physical person I don’t like hugs and kisses, so sometimes my partners can’t understand that too much physical affection can also cause me to pull back hence they get more hurt and start the blame game, you don’t love me, are you mad at me? Why this and why that ugh I just can’t take all the questioning! It is important for an FA and a DA to still feel free and independent even in relationships we don’t like feeling like the other person can’t live without us. That makes me feel like I’m suffocating and trapped. So if you show signs that you can’t live you’re own life that will cause a FA and DA to walk away and chances are we won’t come back. A DA will come back probably sooner than the FA will. Once we are done we are done.
And you think it’s healthy to disconnect emotionally and physically in a relationship???! Why be in a relationship?? MO: no emotional or physical nurturing as a child. (Now it’s labeled as emotional abuse as a child. Not normal)
you should live alone😂😂
Manufacturer feelings of longing ? Can you explain ?
Nearly every woman I’ve ever dated was a FA.
What's your attachment style?
That's my ex
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
Your content seems geared towards women, what about men?
I see some dismissive avoidant tendencies in the video.
Started off as secure but he made me anxious due to concerning things he’s said and the harsh break up at first. Just went through the second time, I think it’s over for real. 😔
If you are secure they will be both all the time
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
"... becoming thier phantom ex" 💀
Bro be playing MGS in a relationship.
Me watching these videos and realizing this is me 🤡
Note on the death wheel. For my recent relationship fallout the “I’m happy I left” stage was more of the “screw him” phase where I was angry and hated him and felt he was a terrible person and I deserved better. Then when I went in the following anxious reminiscing phase I allowed myself to miss him and suddenly I was in love with him and felt that if he just came back and apologized we could start over and try again etc.
1ST
Well, Chris you are 1st but 😅 I'm still 1st to the video okay
Keep it up mate
We FAs suck .. don’t get back with us fr🫡
I'm a dismissive-avoidant lady with a fearful-avoidant ex, oooof 🥲