To be honest, on my first two dates with my current boyfriend I didn't feel the spark. I was very unsure of him. However, on date three I felt the spark. I met him online so it can be hard to translate an online chemistry in person but it's possible. I've been with him for over three years and I'm happy that I didn't walk away after the first date. Keep in mind, that some people (not everyone) can feel the spark with people who end up being jerks or just aren't compatible. Take your time to just get to know the person, like really know who they are at their core. Some of the best romances don't start with love at first sight but still have a happily ever after.
Thank you for sharing this. But you did mention that you had the " online chemistry " with him? Did that mean you kinda felt you were attracted to him from his pictures? If so, that would make the difference from people who are not sure if they are interested in their date in the first place, include seeing their pictures in the online profile.
If you're looking for a spark, you're just a chasing a feeling. Feelings don't last. You have to focus less on being ATTRACTED to each other and more on being CONNECTED. You have to be compatible, or else it won't last. Simple as that.
Why do you say that? Is there something she's saying that you think is hinting this in particular? Or do you just think "chemistry" is just short hand for physical attraction in general? Because if it's the latter, I totally disagree. I've met with a lot of people who I found physically attractive but didn't have chemistry with. It's incredibly disappointing. On the other hand, the person I'm seeing now is, while attractive, not exactly have a physical appearance what I would normally go for. But we have CRAZY chemistry. I love talking to him and feel comfortable sharing with him but also have crazy butterflies when I'm with him or hear his voice.
@@SelphieFairy Thats happened to me more than a few times, a woman telling me she finds me attractive but doesn't feel any chemistry with me, it can be frustrating because i feel a lot of people look for that chemistry within a 2 hour date of just first meeting each other
To be honest a spark is something that happens before you go on a date. It's the thing that makes you want to go on a date. The poor woman sounds so not excited and that's because she's just forcing herself to like this guy. I personally could not be with someone if there was no chemistry no matter how perfect they are on paper. Also you can tell a lot about a person from the first date let alone second date. You should be excited about being with someone not hoping & wishing you'll start liking them eventually.
very true...well said! chemistry and passion are everything. A person who is genuinely into you will never have to make an effort to bring that spark. it's almost like fireworks bursting when you even look into their eyes...it's magical!
Thank you so much! I feel like you cannot treat dating like you're a supervisor looking to feel a vacancy. You have to have chemistry and not just look at his resume. By the way, I'm here for the comments because the video left me feeling unresolved.
I think you have to consider patterns too. If you're normally REALLY attracted to guys who are bad for you, you might want to try something new. People CAN grow on you if they behave in a way that allows for it. If they don't, they won't. You may want to give it more than just ONE date to determine this if you normally are REALLY attracted but you've learned that when you feel that way he's usually bad for you.
I have to disagree on this one, the spark isn’t an indicator that the guy isn’t who you’re looking for. You have to get to know the person in a deeper level to build a meaningful, intimate relationship. If sparks are the only base of all relationships, we’re all doomed to fail. Coz the spark won’t last a lifetime. We will all get to know each other eccentricities and we may not like it all, but that what’s makes us all perfectly imperfect. I didn’t feel a spark in my first few dates, but two years into the relationship and we are more in love than ever. I’m more excited to see him daily and I’m always excited to have our “weekday life talks”. Everybody’s different, but I have to disagree on this one because I don’t think the spark is a determining factor.
It’s hard finding girls who critise the “ spark “ my goodness the amount of times I’ve heard, “ you know with in 5 minutes weather you have a spark or not”
This is the first time I've ever disagreed with Matt. I've dated girls were there was no initial spark because we didn't know each other enough to feel comfortable being ourselves. A second date is hardly any commitment so I don't see why it's a big deal. Give it a shot if the alternative is just watching Netflix.
By the time I met my husband, I think my "spark" was burnt out. I think because I have dated so many guys before him, that I had that "spark" with, that it took a lot more for me to get "sparked" (If that makes sense). I think what really caused the "spark" in me with my husband was when I could tell that he really cared about me and it made me realize that he was different than all of the other guys. , So by the time I dated my now husband, it was more than him being gorgeous, handsome, sexy, smart, witty, and more to make me "spark", just because of past experiences. He had to get past a lot more with me than I allowed other guys to. Also, by the time I had met him, I had set higher values and boundaries and in the end, found a winner!
Eva VOLKIN. YEAH. I agree. Women being ENTITLED "ARE" basically LAZY. Its their LAZY&ENTITLED attitude that they BLAME and SHAME Men for everything. Modern Day women are some of the LAZIEST and MOST ABUSIVE and TOXIC creatures in existence. And with their continued attitude which is HARD to shake off only evolution will send them to THEIR OWN SELF-MADE "EXINCTION". LONG LIVE women not contaminated by the THIRD-WAVE FEMINIST virus!!!
@@emilaminjedla 😂😂😂 What world do you live in?!? Women have ALWAYS been ENTITLED and there's nothing wrong with that. Women are different from men! Grow a pair of balls and learn how to deal with it!!!
OPs comment explains why it's not a great idea to fall in love a bunch of times as a young person. The spark gets harder and harder to find/create. Guard your heart... Try to make sure that there is enough of you left unbroken and unburned that the right partner can connect with you easily, and won't have to jump through a million hoops.
I read somewhere that a "spark" and "having butterflies" is a trauma wound. You're chasing feelings rooted from childhood, and it doesn't determine whether a relationship is a good fit or not. A good relationship is build on mutual effort, not a fleeting feeling.
Sydney Craig it depends! if youre looking for a serious relationship/the guy that will love you...and objectivly he is at least a 7/10 on physical beauty you have to understand some people will get shy/stress/take some time to get comfortable with someone new/ will have stress to mess out/dont have much experience with women because they arent players comon he is a normal human at coffee shop. speaking about echothers. why do you expect hollywood entretainment are you yourself able by a coffee date displaying an incredible hollywood personality? NO the only people that will make you feel spark on first date are players & people very good on body language unless you just want one night stands being a player. and good in body language isnt what i call important qualities for a real love relationship and its coming from a player that sometimes play the usual guys on first date only to analyze your reactions 😂 and its hilarious how you women dont use your head or logic in dating. but you simply apply popular mainstream thoughts...like oh i dont feel spark. no second date 😂😂 are you looking for serious relationship or a hollywood performer 😂
you can tell a loot about a guy on first date? bitch no, some people can totaly act like they were tom cruise personality wise. but arent (its called acting. remember you have no idea who they really were before meeting you. its very easy to display a wanted personality to someone new, especialy with practice) the stress/shyness/slow to open up to new people/ afraid to mess out. gonna give you a fake image of the guy on first date you girls are confusing being mega comfortable confident with stranger & a geniune guy that has qualities. and might offer you a life full of love (but might not be comfortable confident with stranger) 😂 women use your BRAIN. LOGIC. dont just apply popular mainstream thoughts blindly
Sydney Craig YEAH BUT AT LEAST Matthew Van Ostin MAKES SENSE while YOU DON'T. He offers an interesting and VALID take on the situation while you just moan &bang on about a woman's PREROGATIVE & widely held view that women Are ENTITLED to act as THEY fancy without actually making ANY SENSE AT ALL.
I wouldn’t classify the spark as a sexual chemistry necessarily but like the feeling of enjoying the persons company and feeling excited to see them again. If you don’t have it, then you likely aren’t going to develop it in most cases.
I find chemistry builds - as long as you're attracted and values align. I typically give 2-3 dates to a girl in that case to figure it out; however, I find many women unless they feel an electric spark in a 1 hour coffee figure it won't ever come and may miss out on a great relationship because they didn't let it go to 2-3 dates. First dates are awkward.
Sometimes that spark can come after the 2nd or 3rd date.... People put to much pressure on that!!!! If the person makes you happy and they have a good heart. Then you shouldn't give up so quickly.
It's sad because I see so many women in my family end up alone and broken because they were more interested in a spark than taking the time to learn about a guys character.
Hi, I know I've had a few instances where no spark in the beginning landed up being no spark ever... One was 8 months, another 2 years and another a lifetime friend. No spark is no spark!
@@misswiss278 exactly, I've had guys attracted to me who I felt no physical attraction to. If id married them they would not have been getting sex so I had to tell them that I am not interested. They don't get that either you are attracted to them or not there's really no in between, attraction does not grow for me it's either there or not.
There is nothing wrong with being alone, a relationship is not the be all and end all of a women's purpose in this world. We all need to be aware that many married couples are miserable, let's not think that all marriages are happy. Let's embrace being single until we meet the right person, stop getting pressured into relationships with bad men.
@@makeitcount2985 In my case the only problem is, that the man I am talking about truly is not a bad man. He is wonderful and thats why I think it is so hard for me to break his heart. Its easier to dump douchebags. :(
@@misswiss278 I get this, but you can't be responsible for his feelings for you. All that you can do is be honest that you don't feel the same about him and that attraction has to be both ways for something to happen. In my case attraction does not grow, it can be there and then dissappear but it has never appeared when it wasn't there to begin with
Everyone is different. It takes awhile for me to feel chemistry with someone. Just because the spark isn't initially there doesn't mean it won't come later. I mean there are so many examples of friends becoming intimate later on. Anything can happen. I don't get why people put so much pressure on the first few dates. Just relax and get to know one another.
But I mean even if chemistry can grow over time, or be nurtured, don't you usually know quite early on whether or not you're attracted to them? I just don't know if physical attraction can be forced. I may be wrong....
It's a woman problem. You don't ever hear men say sparking. It's your fellow woman, notice nothing about his looks. I have learned you guys are way more picky than us in that area. She should be honest I am not physically attracted to. Don't give him don't give we can be friends. Or you will find someone, many men don't find soley because we do not fit your looks criteria. I retired from dating. I soley am working on my second masters. Made my goal of save 40000 this year. Nearly all my debt paid, just waiting for a better economy to buy a home. I learned I am not an attractive men and I have zero business speaking to a woman. Yes I am very honest but until we are honest with people leading them on or giving them false hope is not cool.
I define a spark on the initial date as a connection, excitement, attraction, chemistry, feeling of wanting to know more about that person, all these happy feelings. That is a spark to me. If I don't feel the majority of these, I think a second date is useless.
good grief! it takes one or two dates just to let the awkwardness of meeting someone fade away. At the first date your still comparing the poor guy to past idiots... you have to give their personality a chance. After date 3 is when you decide to cut loose for lack of chemistry.
I've sometimes found that I CAN be sexually attracted to a guy and also think he's a good person and easy to talk to...but I still don't have that 'spark' that gives me butterflies or has me thinking about him often. It makes things tough.
So I understand how you are feeling. I wish sometimes that we could control who we really like but I honestly do not think we can make ourselves like someone.
When I hear the word "spark" , it's not just a superficial feeling. It's the chemistry, the way you mesh well together, the feeling of being able to freely express yourself to that person effortlessly, as if you've known him for years, the excitement of the possibility of seeing them again and getting to know them more. You can't fake and force chemistry and if it is present, it's the reason why you wanna see that person and start considering a future with them together.
Hahaha good point. People look for relationships that are instantly gratifying and require minimal effort. Unfortunately these types of connections are usually short lived and lack substance.
I agree relationships are not something instantaneous. But I think this case is different. It seems like she's not really attracted to this guy, not just physically, also personality, chemistry, etc. First, you need to be attracted to the person, and also you need to feel something, spark, butterflies, chemistry, call it what you want, you need that in order to start feeling something more eventually. I was in a relationship for 2 years, I was patiently waiting for that and never happened. He was great. I liked him, I was kind of attracted to him, he was perfect on paper, but I never had that spark, we never developed that compatibility and intimacy, and I never fell in love. I kind of loved him, but as I would love a friend. We broke up and now we are great friends.
My first date with my boyfriend lacked a spark, but I felt there could be a possibility. He was super respectful and because of that he only gave me a hug at the end of the date. But I gave him a second chance because he ticked my boxes, and well the second date!; I took the initiative and held his hand, it was like a light switched was turned on in his brain and he was much more touchy, bingo.. there was the spark! Just keep that in mind ladies if you are going on a date with a "nice" guy and you might be worried there is no connection. 😉 obviously if I felt no spark from that second date, that "butterfly" feeling, we wouldn't be dating.
congrats on creating the spark ;) for most men that is really difficult and that's probably why most of you ladys don't feel it.. whish you all the best and keep up the sparks ;)
Ellie I wish more women understood this and were like this. They just wait for the guy to make all the moves. Like it’s ok for the women to make a move first too. not all moves but just that one can make all the difference.
With the guy I am currently seeing, I didn't find the chemistry until date 3. On date 4 we were laughing like best friends and couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I think it is good to multi-date. By date 5 we decided to make it exclusive and we broke off dating others. There is a point when you know whether there is chemistry or not, but in my case, it took a little time. Great Qand A!
oh come on! i usually agree with you, but today i can't. compatibility is way more important than chemistry. this spark yoy're talking about lasts for a few months. only after it goes away you can really start thinking if it's the right guy. but being friends and having similar interests/opinions is a great start of a long term relationship. the spark often comes later! having a crush on someone feels amazing, but i think it's overrated and can lead to relationships between completely incompatible people. new love is just a burst if hormones, not something we should always build our future on.
+maugo for me the "spark" is easily flowing conversation and a feeling that the other person "gets" me. I think that is something that has the potential to last a lifetime
I totally agree with you ! Thought spark was the most important thing to start and to make à relationship work. I spoil two years with à Guy based on that initial spark . I tried to make it work but i realised it couldn't work because of is lack of maturity, we didn't have the same views on being un relationship. For him the most important on the relationship wasn't lové, it was living together, telling everybody and above all to his mom that hé is in couple : being in relationship make him feel alive and adult. Above all, he thinks that the goal of à couple his having children. I don't. I think that having children is the consequence of à deep true love. For me , the goal of à couple is lové, bringing more lové to each partner.besides i think as a woman , i owed him everything and that i had to make all the efforts ( quiting my job and coming to his town because hé didn't want to leave his mom) . i've learnt it the hard way but I know that i have to find somebody who shares my views on relationship, love, affection , sex, sbdy who is compatible more than the initial spark !
+Michelle Lee Yes! I completely agree with you. The initial spark is what leads you to want to know more about a person (and eventually find out if you're compatible). I doesn't have to initially be a mindblowing 'I must have you right now' chemistry, but you know...that little tension :)
This video literally a sign from God..im and indian girl who is 29.. My parents are forcing me to choose these random guys they try and set me up with! Theyre decent guys, but no spark! Sue me for wanting to enjoy being with the man im with...I found my answer..thank u Matthew😍 hell, can u marry me!? Haha
It’s not about settling down for someone just after a 1st date. It’s about giving them another chance and meeting again. Not everyone falls in love from the first date. I think it’s fair to give a few dates to see if something meaningful could develop. It’s shortsighted to write someone off just because the 1st date didn’t go as in a Disney love story. I think people can be nervous on a first date and that could trip them up in making the best impression. I think if a guy ticks the boxes in paper, worth at least giving a few dates to find out more.
I usually agree with and really appreciate the content. This is the first video I don't agree with. The first boyfriend I had in college I did not have the initial spark. But we developed a friendship over time and through that friendship we found a great relationship. There was no settling. Conversely I had sparks with this one guy who turned out to be a total narcissist. Another risk you can take is actually getting to know someone. Although your points are valid, I wouldn't leave someone with a one-sided choice and not explore the possibility that a spark could develop.
Terrific answer 😘 I just broke up dating with this great guy and it is sad. He was like everything I looked for, but the spark was not there and after several dates and comfort and cozy dates with alle ingredrience but the genuin spark. I came to care for him as a friend after dating for three months and I had to give up waiting for that chemestry to kick in. I know I can not built a happy relationship on only friendsship-feelings, there has to be passion, lust and hunger for this person. So it had to end out of respect for both him and me, we both deserve someone who truly loves us as deeply and passionately. Otherwise we will die inside.... Thank you for confirming that my decision was right 💕😊
This advice would never work for me. I only spark with people that I'm friends with first. Once he and I have formed a friendship and I feel comfortable with him, only then do I become sexually attracted to him. I think one date is way too soon to throw away a good guy. Quality people who will make good mates are rare.
Sammme! I have to check if this was my comment :))) I wake up one day and I say I have a spark for this friend as his daily actions or whenever we meet, he is doing things to increase his score :) I develop a spark by knowing him, for me love is based on friendship, as having a relationship with someone as a lover means having a very close friend that I have sex with :)
This kinda ignores the fact that there have been many situations where women fall for guys only after having known them for a while. Or the fact that many guys don't open up or trust others easily until they've known them for a while. It seems somewhat unreasonable to dump a guy after one date because you didn't feel a "spark", when it could have just taken longer for the sexual tension to appear in the first place. If there's no "spark" after several dates, then sure, it probably won't work out. But I agree, there's no reason to stop looking for other guys.
+MsWannabeGamer Ⓥ I fully agree with you. I think this spark-business is a very difficult one. I do agree that you shouldn't settle for someone you don't love just because they are comfortable to be with, but I don't think that love can be defined only by sexual tension or "the spark". There are many reasons why we feel the spark sometimes and not other times. It might be you're having a hard time, it might be that you've watched to many hollywood movies. I think in the long run having someone who is passionate about your life, who tries to understand you and tries to work things out is far more important than feeling the spark on the first date.
+MsWannabeGamer Ⓥ Also, I think what most people describe as "the spark" is often more some kind of perfect picture they make up in their head, kind of like that really sexy movie character and they try to see that in someone. Most of the time that picture leaves no space for a real person so you can get really dissapointed if your hero turns out to be an ordinary human
If you don't feel the spark - leave. Even if all the other things might be great. If it's not meant to be, leave it. You wanting a sign is a sign. You wanting an encouragement staying with him/ her is a answer for you!
I never have a spark, as I am a slow lover, as I would like to say, I do get to like someone by seeing how they behave, usually it's someone around me. I fall in love day by day, I never liked someone at first sight, it's just that one day I wake up and I think...omg, he is amazing! I want him! I will be happy to date him. It's little things that make me feel the later spark, how they behave, if they are funny, if they polite, that's another reason online dating is not for me.
I feel the same way, but there's nobody in my existing circle who I can date, and I haven't met any potentials from social events, so online dating is the only option at the moment. Since other friends have found their partners online, I figure it'll happen eventually, but I've definitely never been excited by someone I've met online. I am currently in the samesake situation as the girl in the video.
This is my situation right now but we've been on three dates and had two hang out sessions. He's honestly so nice, great personality, treats me well and I enjoy his company. However after all this time spending time together I still feel like something is missing. I felt that on the first date and second but I thought it was a time thing but having given it a chance I know it's not. I have felt that spark before and I don't feel it here and I know I shouldn't settle for less and for comfort. But I don't want to hurt this guy because I know he likes me already but I need to out myself first and I could save him further hurt in the future
@@rancedavis5106 It's so funny how much can happen in 4 years. I had to think long and hard about whom I was referring to in that comment - I didn't even remember writing it at first but it came back to me 😂 I'm happy I didn't settle!
I think there is a difference between not feeling a spark and feeling not at all attracted to a guy. Obviously if you’re not feeling him at all then it’s probably not meant to be - but I don’t think that if you’re enjoying his company but don’t feel that sense of electricity between the two of you, that should be a deal breaker either
What you said about life being long if you're unhappy is so true. I remember when I was younger there was a time when I was at a school I wasn't happy at . The social scene wasn't really for me along with other things. I was only there for a few years but they felt like forever.
Of course if you really don't feel any good chemistry at all, you shouldn't stay with that person. But honestly, I don't think that spark is needed neither is it certain that you'll feel it in that early stage. With my last boyfriend I had no sparks in the beginning and that came only after a month of seeing him. Even then, I had no butterflies in my stomach, as many other people do. I think that butterfly stuff is a dagnerous illusion because there are many people (as me) that never feel butterflies but of course are able to fall in love with someone. But if these people get scared and walk away because the first date or the first kiss was not what they expected, then they may loose great relationships. Let yourself time to fall in love and you wil know soon enough if you want him or not. It's not about animals flying in your body, it's more about the feeling you have when your with him or thinking about him. Do you smile when you think of him, do you want to text him, do you want to tell him what happened in your office today?
Oh, your comment made me cry. I am similar to you, never had butterflies, but I do appreciate that person, I miss them, I want to be around them. ♥️ Right now I am single, I have been single for more than 2 years as I have moved to London and dating here scares me as everyone is having sex at first date and are not interested into knowing the person. I am a slow lover, I need to know the person first before having sex. It's not the sex that I miss, it's the connection with another soul. Caring, loving, sharing with someone.
I had that too multiple times, even after more than few dates! I don't know what the thing is about actually... I don't feel the spark at all and I just feel sorry for those guys that I am just unable to like more than they kinda expect me to, hm
i date exlusively women i might be attracted in any capasity to, if i feel the vibe of just fun from her i might join as well, but i take only dates seriouse where i know from the start that shes is going to be a person i would enjoy. However i play my cards maybe not "fair" to get so confident with my choices, i always mix out good and bad behavior in the shortest ammount of time at our first meet up (be it for some reason in a date - or at the first contact) so i can quickly get a different perspective of how she reacts to different behavior. Most women are confused by the shifts and even if its a risk to create a bad impression, most of the time especially if u transition in a really comforting zone of behavior they let it slide since they dont know u. So if im pleased with her reaction to my positive and negative behavior i can suely say she meets my personal valeus and even if its not "love on first sight" for me, i can surely give it a chance. If she thinks im a jerk i guess its a loss, however bad behavior can and will always accure in human interactions, so if she cant deal with it at all its prolly to hard to handle anyway ;) ofc u can manipulate her in the "love" state to ignore some bad sides of u and live with it but w/e i guess its hard to play it completly safe ;D
I think she sould see him again.. cuz she'll never know and she might regret it, cuz nothing is wrong with the guy so she sould give her self and him a second chance.. and besides, it's not always a love from the first sight 😊
When I met 'the one', I knew there was something about him I was attracted too. From the 1st date I looked forward to seeing him again. I still always look forward to being in his presence, even if we are having disagreements. Every other boyfriend I had there came a point where I wasn't looking forward to seeing them.
You need to ask yourself, are you chasing after a spark or getting to know a person? If your intention is to find love, you need to overcome the idea of what you think should happen or feel... Try to connect with them, and if you can connect deeply you'll find that you have something much more than a spark. That's what I did with my fiancé and although there are times I wonder if I settled too soon, I realise that this way of thinking is incredibly toxic and it just makes me unhappy. I have a good man who truly loves me and is committed. Some days I love him more than I have ever felt before, but some other days I feel like I don't like him at all. But one thing for sure is that I can't imagine my life without him in it! Whether there's a spark or no spark! Maybe I'm comfortable or I've settled or whatever you want to call it... But I'm content because I choose to see him in a better light.
I know a woman who married only to have kids and she's lucky the kids look like her , because she married someone no one would find attractive. Her decision has made her jealous and resentful of other women , she's bitter and raging with envy. She's in a fix she made for herself and lashes out like a projecting narcissist.
Yup happens to me way too often. I can stare at them for hours, loving their face, being treated really well by them, yet couldn’t bare to share another evening together.
@@TaeKat Yes I went on a date with someone I'd fancied for a while and the date was so awkward, as there was no spark and we could barely drag conversation out of each other. So many long awkward silences!
Could the other question be : What gave you that spark with the previous guys? Could a person compare the current guy to the previous guy even though it didn't work out but experienced a "spark"? For me I've had the "spark" many times but they weren't the right person. It was just the newness of getting to know someone that you has a certain charm that got my attention. But I was allowing myself to be charmed in the wrong way. The new guy I talk to now doesn't charm me with words or give me this sensational sex me feeling but he's respectful and kind and a well rounded good guy. I'm not going to walk away from him because he doesn't give me the same feeling as the guys before him who obviously didn't work out. I think we have to ask ourselves what do I really want. You never know the person you least expect could be the love of your life. Exactly what you needed.
I think there is a baseline of attraction that never fades with someone who you were and are truly attracted to even if the “spark “ goes away . Relationships are hard enough between two people even when they are attracted to each other , just imagine how much more difficult between two people who never felt attracted to each other (or only one sided ). It’s the original attraction buried deep down that is going to motivate the couple to want to work things out when things get difficult as all relationships do . It’s so overly simplistic to say things like looks fade as if that is the only reason why one person would like another. I have been attracted to a few guys who were not conventionally attractive but that didn’t matter because I was attracted to them overall to where they’d looks didn’t bother me. But when you have a decent looking guy with good qualities who you’re STILL not attracted to , why should you force yourself to like him just because he’s a good guy when you feel absolutely NO attraction whatsoever ? A romantic relationship is called a romantic relationship because it separates it from a good friendship . I’ll bet everyone who is advising someone to continue dating someone else despite no chemistry or attraction would never do the same themselves.
"Scarcity mindset." Bingo. That's EXACTLY what I've got. I'm 67, still looking forward to a lot in life, and yet very conscious of the fact that my "dating pool" is much smaller given my age (the cougar thing gives me the creeps; I need rapport), and given my height, which also reduces my options. Thank you for helping me get clear on my own mind. I like being kind and honest both, and protecting my and everyone else's time.
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If it's first date, try second, third. Chemistry can come. If it won't after You meet him better, just leave.
Met a great girl yesterday. My expectations were tempered: I just wanted her to be what she was on the phone/skype/text. She was, but for whatever reason she felt it so little that she wasn't willing to do a 2nd date.
It took me 3-4 dates before I felt sexual chemistry with my current partner and even after that we didn’t sleep together for three weeks after the first couple dates though he felt more like my friend than a lover and I almost put him in the friend zone. till I really opened myself up to the idea of being romantic with him... he was very far from my “type” that gives me the spark or butterfly’s... but this man is a genuine good guy and because of that I think it was harder for me to be open up. He has his life together and has similar goals to me. But Because my “type” was not a sweet guy... it was usually broken men that didn’t have there stuff together and hurt me in the long run (I’m a serial monogamist shortest relationship is 2 years longest is 8 years) it made it hard for me to be open to this new type of man because the unknown is scary! But now when he messages me those butterfly’s are there and our romantic relationship is just fireworks 💥 but he is also a great companion and friend. Don’t count a guy out because u don’t feel the initial spark sometimes the best relationships are from guys u would least expect.
Don't settle! Never felt a spark with my current husband but I feel very comfortable! I feel like time is running out since I'm getting older (33). I tried to break up things with him once but he started crying and he reminded me of all the things he did for me 😢. I feel stuck!
+becuteforme SO he guilted you into staying with him? That' sounds like subtle emotional manipulation to me. Is that the kind of guy you want to be with? If he really cared about you, wouldn't he want you to be happy even if it's not with him?
3 date rule ppl. go out with someone for 3 dates and then decide. Everyone today just go on one date and then they say i dont see myself marrying you. Well my father didnt see himself marrying my mother on the first date. Here is the prob the way ppl view this spark they belive it to be like in movies its not and another thing they belive this spark to last until they die and it will take care of everything. Well my parents have been married for 30 years and love eachother very much but honestly they dont have the spark anymore i havnt even seen them kiss each other for atleast 12 years after time the spark butterflies and all that goes away and what is lef is your best friend someone who will always be their for you. Why because that is how it works life aint like the movies and reason why many ppl are single and deppresed is because they belive their lives will be like the movies
I wish it were like this in the U.K. in the U.K. if you go out with someone on one date and get on ok, they rush to the conclusion you’re basically going to be an item and dating is merely a formality. They then get shitty and moan about you to everyone when you say it’s not for you later. “Oh but we got on sooo well, what??”. Yeah, but I get on with the milkman, doesn’t mean I’m going to marry them.
People chase instant gratification. It's true that romantic love gives way to a more mature and less passionate love. Your parents may not shower each other with affection in public, but behind closed doors... you never know (unless you walk in on them w/o knocking).
Here's the thing. If you liked him enough to go out with him and didn't feel the spark, it's because you two weren't touching, he didn't make you feel comfortable in order for you to open up and accept his touching while talking. Once you get past that comfort barrier and you allow someone to engage with you in more than a friendly way, you'll feel the tension. Otherwise you walk away if know you are not attracted, but that's not the case so you're asking this question. Because sparks come and go based on your current relationship with the person. In long term relationships when partners don't argue and positive emotions are engaged throughout the day, they are going to grow more fond of eachother, and if that continues, it becomes bliss. Spark is attraction and familiarity with the person enough to allow them to pass through friendship barriers, which engages sexual tension, which is what a spark is.
After a very painful divorce, I decided to make sure this would never happen to me again, so I took a more "calculated" approach to choosing my next husband, but chemistry and communication were definitely missing. And now I'm divorced again, but know life is too short to ever settle for anything less than absolute chemistry and attraction. I'm too passionate to exist without passion in my relationship too. Great advice Matt & Stephen! 💗
I felt a spark with men, who along the way were very wrong for me! I now try to look beyond ‘the spark’ and see if there’s something more to the guy. I now met a guy who is just plain nice, okay job, home, life, really a good guy, and he made me laugh and brought me to places I enjoyed, he hasn’t missed a date and he’s very trustworthy, which is a breath of fresh air after really terrible dates with different kind of men! He’s Nice, love him for that.
First date isn't enough in order for you to like a person. It takes time and effort for you to like each other. Why not give him another chance?Who knows you'll discover more interesting about him and sparks will fly for both of you.
I felt the spark at first. I was so into him but then he fell for me too quickly like in a few weeks and guess I took him for granted. All the spark went away. He’s such a great guy and I am happy when I’m with him. He treats me like a princess. But as soon as I go back home I feel nothing at all. No excitement at all!! I just feel like I won’t be falling in love with him. And he wanted to introduce me to his parents. The fact that he went too quick probably turned me off... Anyone know what I should do? I don’t know what I want anymore
Listening to this again, I feel that there WAS a spark initially, but all of the energy and chemistry was in their phone and text communications. She probably expected that spark/chemistry to replicate itself when they met face to face. But it couldn't, hence the feeling of deflation on the dates. By the time they eventually met, the initial interest had been played out. There's a good reason why dating coaches say that you shouldn't spend too much time talking on the phone or texting before you meet.
Not too sure if I agree but still good video to watch. My parents hated each other's guts for the longest time. During their first few dates, my mom didn't feel any spark and thought "yeah I knew it." But as time progressed, they fell for each other and have been married for 37 years now.
I feel like this is such a huge issue- the "scarcity mindset". It was great to hear the guys perspective and wonderful advice on it. Love the fact that Steven got to add his insight live. Hopefully the duo will become a regular occurrence.
I agree that she needs to date rather than surrender. I wouldn't prize that chemical reaction overmuch though, especially early on. Chemicals wear off with the pace and patterns of life and often leave people with someone they thought they knew but really just had chemically induced blinders on to true compatibility.
Be very wary of those who you fall for too fast, the relationship will die even faster. It never worked out for me when I fell for the person too quick, it makes you look weak or desperate. The right person for you is apparently the one who makes you feel more like yourself, and who makes you fell comfortable. Don't overthink it and yes give that guy a shot maybe he's shy!
Seems like the problem here is that "spark" is such an impossibly vague word. Sexual chemistry is one thing, and I'm inclined to think a couple either has it or doesn't, although how that chemistry looks and feels waxes and wanes and changes a bit over time. "Spark" as in "crush" is something else. I think people build each other up in their minds, and when the individual doesn't meet expectations, this built-up person we create, the "spark" somehow "vanishes." We want to feel weak in the knees and be swept off our feet, and sometimes that happens, sometimes it's just too much whiskey and then the headache in the morning. You know? Anyway, I just think the word itself wants a bit of unpacking and if we're talking about "spark" in terms of chemistry I completely agree that it's necessary unless both parties are more or less asexual and that element isn't important to them. "Spark" in terms of sort of storybook romance is mostly in the eye of the beholder and rarely lasts, as people have said here. I like to crush out, though. It's exciting. It's not impossible I could build a real relationship off a crush -- it's happened -- but it's not hugely likely and it's better just to enjoy the emotions and roller coaster of it and expect nothing of it, ultimately.
Great post. Defining "Spark" and "Chemistry" is really important for each individual. Know thyself! I keep linking this article, but it's a really interesting one. Whenever I've been tempted to do the "rational" thing as regard dating, work or anything else, it usually works out badly and this article explains why. www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/evolution-the-self/201306/how-rational-are-rational-marriages%3famp
When I was at university three million years ago, I used to play tennis with a boy I didn't fancy in the least in the beginning. He made me laugh so much during our matches (when I was about to return the ball he'd grunt really loudly for example to put me off) that little by little I started finding him attractive. Women DO fall in love with their ears, and THEN their eyes. You have to be patient! It's crazy but you CAN fall in love with an ordinary-looking man who is witty.
I'm grateful for this episode. After following Matthew Hussey on UA-cam then purchasing his online products, I went from wallowing over my ex-BF to realizing my standards and pencilling in dates with various men. The guys I'll be seeing have potential. I wanted to know the difference between compatibility and chemistry to help me decide which gentlemen is worth my commitment. Thank you, Matthew Hussey, Stephen Hussey, and the Get The Guy team.
I had the same problem with a girl, after 2 dates she told me there's no connection, which I thought was pretty stupid for her to make a decision that quick. That's not enough time to get to know someone, relationships take time to build and I was still getting to know her to see if I liked her. It's her loss anyways, let her spend all of her life shopping and trying to find her "spark". I know that eventually there will be a woman who is excited to be around me and want to see me.
I understand that if the chemistry/attraction isn't there, it may not be worth it. But love has many forms and you're not missing out on "all the other single people" when you're spending time getting to know one person. If your mind is constantly wandering, you may not be ready for a relationship. You can date Brad Pitt, and still think Tom Hardy is hotter and younger, so you may want to look for more, so to speak. I believe, dating apps have made people greedy about a surreal love, which is unhealthy. What if the first guy you dated is the best them all but you've just realized this after dating dozens of others? And what are you going to do in the future when your marriage seems to have lost its spark? The key here is to learn how to appreciate people who care about you. But hey, I'm just a 32 year old guy, who is also on a dating app. But I take my dates seriously, and I only date one person at a time. If it works, fine. If it doesn't, fine. At least I don't regret not paying enough attention to someone.
Hoping and wishing you'll start to like them eventually? What does that even mean? You clearly like them ALREADY if you're >hoping and wishing< you'll like them. No one hopes and wishes to like someone they currently dislike. They simply move on. (Unless they're locked in some contractual commitment I suppose.)
I started crying during this because the person I’m going out with is littreally perfect but.. I’m not excited and I don’t think about him in my spare time and The first thing I do in the morning isn’t messaging him good morning is me feeling like I’m alone.. I just want something real and I feel like I will never find it
For me: often I find I need to know someone Before I feel a ‘spark’. Sparks can happen after a while:) But it is worth it to maybe keep seeing other people:)
There is a big difference between compatibility and the connection with someone is such a huge difference. The compatibility is when you share the same values, point of views, goals, etc. And the connection you can have it with your family, friends or colleges. The spark happens later when the persons opens up a little bit and so do you.
I spent a LOT of time meeting up with Women who don't "feel that spark", and we're only meeting up to see if we WANT to date each other. They won't stick around unless they feel that "instantaneous spark". I just passed my 65th Birthday and never found anyone to have a family and kids with. I'm too old now to keep looking anymore.
I had a 5 year relationship with someone that I didn’t have the spark with . When we hit problems for me there wasn’t the thread of the spark to bind me and make me want to really sort the problems out . I had the spark in my marriage that always made me want to sort out problems out . Now I wouldn’t consider dating without the spark
So easy to get stuck in the "comfort zone" which wastes your life away. And although it takes guts to remain single, you can easily get stuck in an attitude of scarcity (which creates your reality).
That is so naive though.. if you don't connect with the guy, just end it instead of stringing him along like a puppy while screwing around with other guys. Like honestly, women need to stop this shit of being self-centered.
+Jessie Quinton I am a woman and I am in agreement with you. I wish more people would speak up because I am certain that I am not the only person who finds this deplorable, to say the least.
I know this comment is old but I can relate. Im happy to see a woman write this. This woman I dated was seeing someone else for months and didn't tell me until i confronted her about how shes acting. Be honest with men. It's better they cut their losses and move on then for you to lead them astray for months and rip their hear out. It's not fair.
I have to point out that there is a bit of a strange disconnect that happens with online dating. You don't have the person to person electricity that happens when in person, something occurs to one person that makes them see the others as potential date or more. If you are consciously seeking a partner, then it's very interesting when you see that little light go on in someone you've just met in a casual way; at your hiking group, or a charity event. However when you are online, that little spark happens when you see their profile, or get the flirt, or message from them. (It's much more subtle.) Then you go into analytical mode and that's not as mysterious or exciting as meeting someone, in person whom you know very little, if anything about. There is a thrill in the stranger. You would then go into a detail seeking mode and there are social rules about how one gets the data one needs to evaluate the match, so you spend time when pheromones and curiosity blend to create that attractive pull. And possibly blind you to their faults. I have found now when going to a situation when I know there are single guys, that I want to read their profiles to be able to rule out the chaff of "unsuitables" before my head starts to swim with their charisma. I am more interested in their character. The spark of enthusiasm fades with time. The fire of passion builds with connection, and connection builds more easily with good lifestyle and personality matching. I would have advised this woman to trust in the quality guy's ability to ignite her inner flame in time. If it doesn't start happening over time as the relationship deepens then perhaps they are better off just friends. It seems a shame to let quality go, over chemistry. I think decisions made calmly are better than those made in the heat of passion. Proof over time will tell.
Well I had a first messages spark, then the first date threw me off and was not convinced. Decided to go on a second date and then it sparked big time ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I have never felt a spark. I'm very analytical. I understand chemistry is based on hormones primarily and I try not to get swept up in the emotions but also try to see the person for who they are. I had a relationship of over 10 years and I felt no spark at the beginning but I really grew to love him. He was my greatest love.
But what about, when the only sort of people you have ever been 'attracted' to, or felt 'excited' about, have been the wrong person for you? There is something to be said for always being attracted to the wrong partner (i.e. emotionally unavailable, abusive, neglectful) as well and I think that is an area that requires some deeper, self discovery.
It is possible that she doesn't think he looks as good in real life as he does in pictures... and perhaps she was hoping a second look would change her mind since he is theoretically a perfect guy (husband material even) but no she can't see past his looks.
+Nonhlanhla M You brought up some great points. We may never know. Maybe she's not really into wanting a relationship? Maybe she gets bored after the initial? Maybe the sex is boring? You know all of those things men say to exit interactions. I truly do not know, but a large part of moving on is assessing. You don't have to assess in a non-committed relationship, but for your own personal growth you need to know why you make the choices you make. If you stay or leave, you need to learn how to own your decisions. I would never give advice to someone who refuses to answer that question. I've Matt dig and get the answer, or better yet prop the question to where the caller at least admits they do not know the answer. But avoiding a direct question is the subject of a much greater issue.
It is great to add Steve on the show so that we can have dating advise from two guys' perspective!! It's a good deal for us lady, isn't it? Thank you Matt :) For the lady on the call, just say " NEXT" to yourself to keep moving on to next guy!! Be very honest with yourself what you really want, be bold, think big and be confident with yourself that you find a man that can really makes you spark!! If you settle for less than you want, I am sure months later, years later and decades later you will be 100 times more scared, miserable and regret. Be aware of that!!
There have been plenty of times when I didn't feel the spark until we kissed. There have also been times I felt a major attraction initially which fell flat when we kissed. I would ask myself if I could stand the thought of kissing this guy, and if so, give it a shot and see what happens.
Hey Mathew! I have been following and listening a few of dating coach for a while, you are always the one I agree with the most. I just went one a date with a guy who is absolutely nice, easy to talk to, have similar value and interest with me etc... But somehow I just don't feel anything. I understand other people always say things like :" give him another chance" or " be friend with him first, you never know." But from my experience, if I don't feel the initial spark ( a least a little bit), it will never work. I don't want to hurt anyone and myself too. At this point, I really don't know what to do. I have bought your book, your online program, followed your advice and took actions in the past 5 years. I did learned so much from it, and it helped me grow so much personally. But thing just not happening. I am not saying I am gonna give up on love or anything, in this moment, I just want to know if I should keep searching the person that makes me feel spark initially until I reach to my 40s, ( I laughed a lot while I am wring this, I just turned 30 by the way lol) or take another approach, for example, keep seeing with someone I have no chemistry with at the beginning and see what happens? I feel lost in this moment. I have also dated guys who I did feel initial spark, but soon I found out they are not compatible with me... What should I do then?
If you have some sort of connection such as some shared interests,shared values,similar long term goals give it a second shot you might be pleasantly surprised!
I recently had the opposite issue, where I felt that spark in the first three dates and then the fourth and fifth had zero spark. He didn't do anything wrong, and I still find him objectively attractive, but the chemistry/spark just disappeared completely.
I disagree. She's only been on two dates with him! I think many people don't give the people they date a chance, or a little time for something to grow. I'm not saying spend months on one person if you continually don't feel anything, but give it a little more time than you usually would to really get to know someone - ESPECIALLY since she said she is happy with everything else about this guy. Why would you let someone go that has so many traits that you want when there's a possibility it can turn into something? I agree that she should continue to seek other people as well, simultaneously, though. That's kind of how dating works for most of us anyway... not many people just date one person at a time anymore. Good luck!
This happened to me last year. Met a girl on OKCupid, had an initial meet up for coffee and went on 2 dates. On that 2nd date she told me she wasn't feeling a connection, couple days later she expressed interest in trying again, a couple weeks go by and we don't get together and she ends up ghosting me. She recently apologized to me, said it was nothing that I did but she ended up meeting someone and moving with them to another state after only knowing the guy for 2 1/2 weeks.
Murphdawg1 gaming yeah being a flake is hard to detect early or with compatibility scores. I dealt with some people like that, okcupid was still better than most places online. I will always be partial to it because I found my fiance there. (: try not to let the process if finding someone get you down. It is worth it in the end.
Katherine K For some reason she seems to think that I didn't or wouldn't accept just being friends with her, when I never said such a thing. I enjoyed hanging out with her and she was fun to talk to.
Ok, so if she goes after that men with that sparks, can somebody tell me where will be that sparks after months, years of relationship that dont go well, that spark will be present or will be enough to resolve any problem? It will be there? Of course not! Sparks is important, but not essencial.
+Johnny Marques You are absolutely correct. There are things that keep that flame flickering: spontaneous dating, discovering new things together, etc. For most, they lose interest because they are bored and stop the effort once the person is solidly in their camp. Johnny, you and I along with a few others will simply have to hope and pray we meet an old school values person who simply is not employing this Soap Opera Fantasy regarding relationships.
+SParkApCider Oh my God, what beautiful words you just said, even if I could speak English, I could not express myself so well, I am Brazilian and my English is rusty! But you said everything a person needs to know what really is most important in a relationship! Muito bom!
I come from a dysfunctional family, a “spark” means: this is familiar. A “spark” means: toxicity. Actually, I will be so happy to be comfortable with someone, meet their mom and also know the name of their (as you say) dog’s name. Because comfort is something I am not comfortable with. I am dating a great person yet I have not felt a spark at the first date. But you know what? She makes me laugh, she is intelligent, I can be myself, she is honest, open and authentic. And she seems to really care for me. I am definitely going on a next date! Maybe a spark will come , maybe it does not. But out of my respect to both of us, I am very happy to continue slow dating!
![[UA] NAVI vs MOUZ | BO5 | IEM Rio 2024](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/CMBYk0cbGoA/mqdefault.jpg)
To be honest, on my first two dates with my current boyfriend I didn't feel the spark. I was very unsure of him. However, on date three I felt the spark. I met him online so it can be hard to translate an online chemistry in person but it's possible. I've been with him for over three years and I'm happy that I didn't walk away after the first date. Keep in mind, that some people (not everyone) can feel the spark with people who end up being jerks or just aren't compatible. Take your time to just get to know the person, like really know who they are at their core. Some of the best romances don't start with love at first sight but still have a happily ever after.
Nicole Martins Ferreira yea and sometimes you can have the most intense chemistry with someone and they turn out to be a total toxic person!!!
I totally agree!
That was well worded
Nicole Martins Ferreira THANK U SO MUCH!
Thank you for sharing this. But you did mention that you had the " online chemistry " with him? Did that mean you kinda felt you were attracted to him from his pictures? If so, that would make the difference from people who are not sure if they are interested in their date in the first place, include seeing their pictures in the online profile.
"Life is long when you're unhappy" 👏😞 so true
it doesn't have to be
Read this just as he said it!
If you're looking for a spark, you're just a chasing a feeling. Feelings don't last. You have to focus less on being ATTRACTED to each other and more on being CONNECTED. You have to be compatible, or else it won't last. Simple as that.
well but u gotta admit that also the feeling of being connected is a strong feeling. i mean, it is a kind of spark, don't you think?
You need both. Just connection is just friendship, companionship. You need a spark, chemistry to make it a real relationship.
@@evab.6240 good point
The spark is the connection? They arent two seperate things imo.
spark is just chemical in your body, women care about taht, you can do anything with a woman except bored them, women are drama adicted.
When she says chemistry, she means attraction. She's not physically attracted to him. I can almost guarantee it.
Why do you say that? Is there something she's saying that you think is hinting this in particular? Or do you just think "chemistry" is just short hand for physical attraction in general? Because if it's the latter, I totally disagree. I've met with a lot of people who I found physically attractive but didn't have chemistry with. It's incredibly disappointing. On the other hand, the person I'm seeing now is, while attractive, not exactly have a physical appearance what I would normally go for. But we have CRAZY chemistry. I love talking to him and feel comfortable sharing with him but also have crazy butterflies when I'm with him or hear his voice.
I agree having gone through it.
You can still be physically attracted to someone and not feel a spark
@@SelphieFairy Thats happened to me more than a few times, a woman telling me she finds me attractive but doesn't feel any chemistry with me, it can be frustrating because i feel a lot of people look for that chemistry within a 2 hour date of just first meeting each other
for me it is his mental state of mind, he just isn't smart. Like I like to be almost out smarted and challenged. It sucks!!
To be honest a spark is something that happens before you go on a date. It's the thing that makes you want to go on a date. The poor woman sounds so not excited and that's because she's just forcing herself to like this guy. I personally could not be with someone if there was no chemistry no matter how perfect they are on paper. Also you can tell a lot about a person from the first date let alone second date. You should be excited about being with someone not hoping & wishing you'll start liking them eventually.
Great comment!
very true...well said! chemistry and passion are everything. A person who is genuinely into you will never have to make an effort to bring that spark. it's almost like fireworks bursting when you even look into their eyes...it's magical!
Thank you so much! I feel like you cannot treat dating like you're a supervisor looking to feel a vacancy. You have to have chemistry and not just look at his resume. By the way, I'm here for the comments because the video left me feeling unresolved.
Mrs Lampard so true!
Mrs Lampard that was so good.Thank you 😘
The best thing that can happen for you as a woman is to not feel "that spark." When we do, we start acting stupid and then men take us for granted.
THIS
This Comment! 🙌🙌
omg this!!!
So in the end it's always someone else's fault LOL
@@zbridgjpxupzm
Absolutely!
I think you have to consider patterns too. If you're normally REALLY attracted to guys who are bad for you, you might want to try something new. People CAN grow on you if they behave in a way that allows for it. If they don't, they won't. You may want to give it more than just ONE date to determine this if you normally are REALLY attracted but you've learned that when you feel that way he's usually bad for you.
I was with a guy that I'm not attracted ti and very glad when asked to say hes just a friend
So true, Matthew...
I have to disagree on this one, the spark isn’t an indicator that the guy isn’t who you’re looking for. You have to get to know the person in a deeper level to build a meaningful, intimate relationship. If sparks are the only base of all relationships, we’re all doomed to fail. Coz the spark won’t last a lifetime. We will all get to know each other eccentricities and we may not like it all, but that what’s makes us all perfectly imperfect. I didn’t feel a spark in my first few dates, but two years into the relationship and we are more in love than ever. I’m more excited to see him daily and I’m always excited to have our “weekday life talks”. Everybody’s different, but I have to disagree on this one because I don’t think the spark is a determining factor.
YES absolutely. see my comment! xx
Thanks for this comment!!
It’s hard finding girls who critise the “ spark “ my goodness the amount of times I’ve heard, “ you know with in 5 minutes weather you have a spark or not”
This advice is better than the actual video good job👍🏽
100 percent agree. He often dishes out the wrong advice to women.
This woman has 100% summed up how Im feeling right now.
This is the first time I've ever disagreed with Matt. I've dated girls were there was no initial spark because we didn't know each other enough to feel comfortable being ourselves. A second date is hardly any commitment so I don't see why it's a big deal. Give it a shot if the alternative is just watching Netflix.
Its different for men. For men, attraction either is there, or not. For women, it can grow.
By the time I met my husband, I think my "spark" was burnt out. I think because I have dated so many guys before him, that I had that "spark" with, that it took a lot more for me to get "sparked" (If that makes sense). I think what really caused the "spark" in me with my husband was when I could tell that he really cared about me and it made me realize that he was different than all of the other guys. ,
So by the time I dated my now husband, it was more than him being gorgeous, handsome, sexy, smart, witty, and more to make me "spark", just because of past experiences. He had to get past a lot more with me than I allowed other guys to. Also, by the time I had met him, I had set higher values and boundaries and in the end, found a winner!
Eva VOLKIN. YEAH. I agree. Women being ENTITLED "ARE" basically LAZY. Its their LAZY&ENTITLED attitude that they BLAME and SHAME Men for everything. Modern Day women are some of the LAZIEST and MOST ABUSIVE and TOXIC creatures in existence.
And with their continued attitude which is HARD to shake off only evolution will send them to THEIR OWN SELF-MADE "EXINCTION".
LONG LIVE women not contaminated by the THIRD-WAVE FEMINIST virus!!!
@@emilaminjedla who hurt you?
emilaminjedla Small weenie alert!! 😂
@@emilaminjedla 😂😂😂 What world do you live in?!? Women have ALWAYS been ENTITLED and there's nothing wrong with that. Women are different from men! Grow a pair of balls and learn how to deal with it!!!
OPs comment explains why it's not a great idea to fall in love a bunch of times as a young person. The spark gets harder and harder to find/create.
Guard your heart... Try to make sure that there is enough of you left unbroken and unburned that the right partner can connect with you easily, and won't have to jump through a million hoops.
I read somewhere that a "spark" and "having butterflies" is a trauma wound. You're chasing feelings rooted from childhood, and it doesn't determine whether a relationship is a good fit or not. A good relationship is build on mutual effort, not a fleeting feeling.
Just get to know someone. It will take awhile to see them for who they are. One encounter isn't enough.
Sydney Craig it depends!
if youre looking for a serious relationship/the guy that will love you...and objectivly he is at least a 7/10 on physical beauty
you have to understand some people will get shy/stress/take some time to get comfortable with someone new/ will have stress to mess out/dont have much experience with women because they arent players
comon he is a normal human at coffee shop. speaking about echothers. why do you expect hollywood entretainment
are you yourself able by a coffee date displaying an incredible hollywood personality? NO
the only people that will make you feel spark on first date are players & people very good on body language
unless you just want one night stands
being a player. and good in body language isnt what i call important qualities for a real love relationship
and its coming from a player that sometimes play the usual guys on first date only to analyze your reactions 😂
and its hilarious how you women dont use your head or logic in dating. but you simply apply popular mainstream thoughts...like oh i dont feel spark. no second date 😂😂 are you looking for serious relationship or a hollywood performer 😂
you can tell a loot about a guy on first date?
bitch no, some people can totaly act like they were tom cruise personality wise. but arent (its called acting. remember you have no idea who they really were before meeting you. its very easy to display a wanted personality to someone new, especialy with practice)
the stress/shyness/slow to open up to new people/ afraid to mess out. gonna give you a fake image of the guy on first date
you girls are confusing being mega comfortable confident with stranger & a geniune guy that has qualities. and might offer you a life full of love (but might not be comfortable confident with stranger) 😂
women use your BRAIN. LOGIC. dont just apply popular mainstream thoughts blindly
Sydney Craig YEAH BUT AT LEAST Matthew Van Ostin MAKES SENSE while YOU DON'T. He offers an interesting and VALID take on the situation while you just moan &bang on about a woman's PREROGATIVE & widely held view that women Are ENTITLED to act as THEY fancy without actually making ANY SENSE AT ALL.
But if this person you went out with their hygiene and Their Manners are not right then why even go on a date with a person
And for him to know you for what you are.
I wouldn’t classify the spark as a sexual chemistry necessarily but like the feeling of enjoying the persons company and feeling excited to see them again. If you don’t have it, then you likely aren’t going to develop it in most cases.
I find chemistry builds - as long as you're attracted and values align. I typically give 2-3 dates to a girl in that case to figure it out; however, I find many women unless they feel an electric spark in a 1 hour coffee figure it won't ever come and may miss out on a great relationship because they didn't let it go to 2-3 dates. First dates are awkward.
Sometimes that spark can come after the 2nd or 3rd date.... People put to much pressure on that!!!! If the person makes you happy and they have a good heart. Then you shouldn't give up so quickly.
+Passion Chica She had the spark initially.
true. But how is she gonna have sex, just lay there and look at the sky haha..I think she does not find him sexy
maybe she does not find him sexy, maybe his breath stinks, he has one eye, a beer belly...none of which is hard to say for a grown woman
I think she meant that she's felt it initially with other people, not this particular dude.
MikeTO its cool to be MGTOW, good for you, but why bother watching relationship videos and spreading your pessimism about dating?
It's sad because I see so many women in my family end up alone and broken because they were more interested in a spark than taking the time to learn about a guys character.
Hi, I know I've had a few instances where no spark in the beginning landed up being no spark ever... One was 8 months, another 2 years and another a lifetime friend. No spark is no spark!
@@misswiss278 exactly, I've had guys attracted to me who I felt no physical attraction to. If id married them they would not have been getting sex so I had to tell them that I am not interested. They don't get that either you are attracted to them or not there's really no in between, attraction does not grow for me it's either there or not.
There is nothing wrong with being alone, a relationship is not the be all and end all of a women's purpose in this world. We all need to be aware that many married couples are miserable, let's not think that all marriages are happy. Let's embrace being single until we meet the right person, stop getting pressured into relationships with bad men.
@@makeitcount2985 In my case the only problem is, that the man I am talking about truly is not a bad man. He is wonderful and thats why I think it is so hard for me to break his heart. Its easier to dump douchebags. :(
@@misswiss278 I get this, but you can't be responsible for his feelings for you. All that you can do is be honest that you don't feel the same about him and that attraction has to be both ways for something to happen. In my case attraction does not grow, it can be there and then dissappear but it has never appeared when it wasn't there to begin with
Everyone is different. It takes awhile for me to feel chemistry with someone. Just because the spark isn't initially there doesn't mean it won't come later. I mean there are so many examples of friends becoming intimate later on. Anything can happen. I don't get why people put so much pressure on the first few dates. Just relax and get to know one another.
But I mean even if chemistry can grow over time, or be nurtured, don't you usually know quite early on whether or not you're attracted to them? I just don't know if physical attraction can be forced. I may be wrong....
It's a woman problem. You don't ever hear men say sparking. It's your fellow woman, notice nothing about his looks. I have learned you guys are way more picky than us in that area. She should be honest I am not physically attracted to. Don't give him don't give we can be friends. Or you will find someone, many men don't find soley because we do not fit your looks criteria. I retired from dating. I soley am working on my second masters. Made my goal of save 40000 this year. Nearly all my debt paid, just waiting for a better economy to buy a home. I learned I am not an attractive men and I have zero business speaking to a woman. Yes I am very honest but until we are honest with people leading them on or giving them false hope is not cool.
I define a spark on the initial date as a connection, excitement, attraction, chemistry, feeling of wanting to know more about that person, all these happy feelings. That is a spark to me. If I don't feel the majority of these, I think a second date is useless.
good grief! it takes one or two dates just to let the awkwardness of meeting someone fade away. At the first date your still comparing the poor guy to past idiots... you have to give their personality a chance. After date 3 is when you decide to cut loose for lack of chemistry.
You know what, I kinda agree with you. 😂 ( on the first date, you arestill comparing the poor guys to past idiots)
And there was a LOT of idiots before him.
Third date is sex date though 😂
I liked the idiots part 😂😂
Katherine K sounds like you're socially awkward and don't know how to carry on good conversation
I've sometimes found that I CAN be sexually attracted to a guy and also think he's a good person and easy to talk to...but I still don't have that 'spark' that gives me butterflies or has me thinking about him often. It makes things tough.
Yeah I agree with you. I think the spark is more than a just physical attraction it is a personality connection too!
@Count Roy I wish I could give you a good answer but I don't think it is something we can control.
@Count Roy yes I know it is frustrating. I am single and I don't feel like I really click with anyone very often.
So I understand how you are feeling. I wish sometimes that we could control who we really like but I honestly do not think we can make ourselves like someone.
When I hear the word "spark" , it's not just a superficial feeling. It's the chemistry, the way you mesh well together, the feeling of being able to freely express yourself to that person effortlessly, as if you've known him for years, the excitement of the possibility of seeing them again and getting to know them more. You can't fake and force chemistry and if it is present, it's the reason why you wanna see that person and start considering a future with them together.
Matthew, you have the best timing. Seriously.
Right?
;)
Damn, people are so impatient and expectant! Relationship is not 2 minutes noodles.
I totally agree, some things take time, even relationship.
K V you’re so right. We live in an impatient world.
Exactly my thinking.
Hahaha good point. People look for relationships that are instantly gratifying and require minimal effort. Unfortunately these types of connections are usually short lived and lack substance.
I agree relationships are not something instantaneous. But I think this case is different. It seems like she's not really attracted to this guy, not just physically, also personality, chemistry, etc. First, you need to be attracted to the person, and also you need to feel something, spark, butterflies, chemistry, call it what you want, you need that in order to start feeling something more eventually. I was in a relationship for 2 years, I was patiently waiting for that and never happened. He was great. I liked him, I was kind of attracted to him, he was perfect on paper, but I never had that spark, we never developed that compatibility and intimacy, and I never fell in love. I kind of loved him, but as I would love a friend. We broke up and now we are great friends.
My first date with my boyfriend lacked a spark, but I felt there could be a possibility. He was super respectful and because of that he only gave me a hug at the end of the date. But I gave him a second chance because he ticked my boxes, and well the second date!; I took the initiative and held his hand, it was like a light switched was turned on in his brain and he was much more touchy, bingo.. there was the spark! Just keep that in mind ladies if you are going on a date with a "nice" guy and you might be worried there is no connection. 😉 obviously if I felt no spark from that second date, that "butterfly" feeling, we wouldn't be dating.
:) You will benefit a lot in relationships with this attitude, team, life and showing him love. :D Now just need to find some Christians... lol
congrats on creating the spark ;) for most men that is really difficult and that's probably why most of you ladys don't feel it.. whish you all the best and keep up the sparks ;)
he ticked all the boxes, that's a reason to give him a chance. If you are missing other things AS WELL AS the spark, then don't waste each others time
Nice
Ellie I wish more women understood this and were like this. They just wait for the guy to make all the moves. Like it’s ok for the women to make a move first too. not all moves but just that one can make all the difference.
Passion fades and the spark is not always there... Long term the compatibility and a great convo will be what you want.
the passion isnt even there to begin with in this case. So what is the solution then?
With the guy I am currently seeing, I didn't find the chemistry until date 3. On date 4 we were laughing like best friends and couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I think it is good to multi-date. By date 5 we decided to make it exclusive and we broke off dating others. There is a point when you know whether there is chemistry or not, but in my case, it took a little time. Great Qand A!
"Life is long when you're unhappy." So. Freaking. True.
"enormous wealth of options" - a very benevolent way to characterise the online dating field, rather than the "pile of rubble" it often felt like. ;)
oh come on! i usually agree with you, but today i can't. compatibility is way more important than chemistry. this spark yoy're talking about lasts for a few months. only after it goes away you can really start thinking if it's the right guy. but being friends and having similar interests/opinions is a great start of a long term relationship. the spark often comes later! having a crush on someone feels amazing, but i think it's overrated and can lead to relationships between completely incompatible people. new love is just a burst if hormones, not something we should always build our future on.
+maugo for me the "spark" is easily flowing conversation and a feeling that the other person "gets" me. I think that is something that has the potential to last a lifetime
+maugo I agree with you. 100%.
+maugo I agree that compatibility is important but you need chemistry in the first instance to bring two people together as the initial "pull"
I totally agree with you ! Thought spark was the most important thing to start and to make à relationship work. I spoil two years with à Guy based on that initial spark . I tried to make it work but i realised it couldn't work because of is lack of maturity, we didn't have the same views on being un relationship. For him the most important on the relationship wasn't lové, it was living together, telling everybody and above all to his mom that hé is in couple : being in relationship make him feel alive and adult. Above all, he thinks that the goal of à couple his having children. I don't. I think that having children is the consequence of à deep true love. For me , the goal of à couple is lové, bringing more lové to each partner.besides i think as a woman , i owed him everything and that i had to make all the efforts ( quiting my job and coming to his town because hé didn't want to leave his mom) . i've learnt it the hard way but I know that i have to find somebody who shares my views on relationship, love, affection , sex, sbdy who is compatible more than the initial spark !
+Michelle Lee Yes! I completely agree with you. The initial spark is what leads you to want to know more about a person (and eventually find out if you're compatible). I doesn't have to initially be a mindblowing 'I must have you right now' chemistry, but you know...that little tension :)
This video literally a sign from God..im and indian girl who is 29.. My parents are forcing me to choose these random guys they try and set me up with! Theyre decent guys, but no spark! Sue me for wanting to enjoy being with the man im with...I found my answer..thank u Matthew😍 hell, can u marry me!? Haha
I am 30& Everyone is pushing me to marryhaha
Hii...me too...wht decision u took finally ?
It’s not about settling down for someone just after a 1st date. It’s about giving them another chance and meeting again. Not everyone falls in love from the first date. I think it’s fair to give a few dates to see if something meaningful could develop. It’s shortsighted to write someone off just because the 1st date didn’t go as in a Disney love story. I think people can be nervous on a first date and that could trip them up in making the best impression. I think if a guy ticks the boxes in paper, worth at least giving a few dates to find out more.
You dont seem to understand. She doesnt wanna screw him. How well do you think thats gonna go??
I usually agree with and really appreciate the content. This is the first video I don't agree with. The first boyfriend I had in college I did not have the initial spark. But we developed a friendship over time and through that friendship we found a great relationship. There was no settling. Conversely I had sparks with this one guy who turned out to be a total narcissist. Another risk you can take is actually getting to know someone. Although your points are valid, I wouldn't leave someone with a one-sided choice and not explore the possibility that a spark could develop.
Terrific answer 😘 I just broke up dating with this great guy and it is sad. He was like everything I looked for, but the spark was not there and after several dates and comfort and cozy dates with alle ingredrience but the genuin spark. I came to care for him as a friend after dating for three months and I had to give up waiting for that chemestry to kick in. I know I can not built a happy relationship on only friendsship-feelings, there has to be passion, lust and hunger for this person. So it had to end out of respect for both him and me, we both deserve someone who truly loves us as deeply and passionately. Otherwise we will die inside.... Thank you for confirming that my decision was right 💕😊
Anniken Sætrang this exact thing just happened to me like a month ago
Thanks for writing this. I needed to hear this. I guess I should give that guy two or three chances. He is not my type, I mean physically. Let's see
Good. Hope it was worth hurting him
Don't settle!!! Don't do it!!! It is a disservice to both of you!
Thank you for saying that
That’s what I did to my ex . My biggest regret
This advice would never work for me. I only spark with people that I'm friends with first. Once he and I have formed a friendship and I feel comfortable with him, only then do I become sexually attracted to him. I think one date is way too soon to throw away a good guy. Quality people who will make good mates are rare.
Sammme! I have to check if this was my comment :))) I wake up one day and I say I have a spark for this friend as his daily actions or whenever we meet, he is doing things to increase his score :) I develop a spark by knowing him, for me love is based on friendship, as having a relationship with someone as a lover means having a very close friend that I have sex with :)
Demisexual club ❤✌️
This kinda ignores the fact that there have been many situations where women fall for guys only after having known them for a while. Or the fact that many guys don't open up or trust others easily until they've known them for a while. It seems somewhat unreasonable to dump a guy after one date because you didn't feel a "spark", when it could have just taken longer for the sexual tension to appear in the first place. If there's no "spark" after several dates, then sure, it probably won't work out. But I agree, there's no reason to stop looking for other guys.
+MsWannabeGamer Ⓥ I fully agree with you. I think this spark-business is a very difficult one. I do agree that you shouldn't settle for someone you don't love just because they are comfortable to be with, but I don't think that love can be defined only by sexual tension or "the spark". There are many reasons why we feel the spark sometimes and not other times. It might be you're having a hard time, it might be that you've watched to many hollywood movies. I think in the long run having someone who is passionate about your life, who tries to understand you and tries to work things out is far more important than feeling the spark on the first date.
+MsWannabeGamer Ⓥ Also, I think what most people describe as "the spark" is often more some kind of perfect picture they make up in their head, kind of like that really sexy movie character and they try to see that in someone. Most of the time that picture leaves no space for a real person so you can get really dissapointed if your hero turns out to be an ordinary human
+NeverLoveNiila love the one you are with or move on friend you can move on always love one self then you will attract the one meant for you
NeverLoveNiila v
MsWannabeGamer Ⓥ That never happens.
If you don't feel the spark - leave. Even if all the other things might be great. If it's not meant to be, leave it. You wanting a sign is a sign. You wanting an encouragement staying with him/ her is a answer for you!
I never have a spark, as I am a slow lover, as I would like to say, I do get to like someone by seeing how they behave, usually it's someone around me. I fall in love day by day, I never liked someone at first sight, it's just that one day I wake up and I think...omg, he is amazing! I want him! I will be happy to date him. It's little things that make me feel the later spark, how they behave, if they are funny, if they polite, that's another reason online dating is not for me.
I feel the same way, but there's nobody in my existing circle who I can date, and I haven't met any potentials from social events, so online dating is the only option at the moment. Since other friends have found their partners online, I figure it'll happen eventually, but I've definitely never been excited by someone I've met online. I am currently in the samesake situation as the girl in the video.
This is my situation right now but we've been on three dates and had two hang out sessions. He's honestly so nice, great personality, treats me well and I enjoy his company. However after all this time spending time together I still feel like something is missing. I felt that on the first date and second but I thought it was a time thing but having given it a chance I know it's not. I have felt that spark before and I don't feel it here and I know I shouldn't settle for less and for comfort. But I don't want to hurt this guy because I know he likes me already but I need to out myself first and I could save him further hurt in the future
I'm in that situation right now and I'm so torn on what to do.
I decided to let him go, it's the best thing for both you & him!
@@CoolKidOx are you now settled as that was 3 yrs ago
@@rancedavis5106 It's so funny how much can happen in 4 years. I had to think long and hard about whom I was referring to in that comment - I didn't even remember writing it at first but it came back to me 😂 I'm happy I didn't settle!
@@CoolKidOx thanks for your reply afterall these years, yes of course it would have been ancient history for you now. take care of yourself.
I think there is a difference between not feeling a spark and feeling not at all attracted to a guy. Obviously if you’re not feeling him at all then it’s probably not meant to be - but I don’t think that if you’re enjoying his company but don’t feel that sense of electricity between the two of you, that should be a deal breaker either
What you said about life being long if you're unhappy is so true. I remember when I was younger there was a time when I was at a school I wasn't happy at . The social scene wasn't really for me along with other things. I was only there for a few years but they felt like forever.
Of course if you really don't feel any good chemistry at all, you shouldn't stay with that person. But honestly, I don't think that spark is needed neither is it certain that you'll feel it in that early stage. With my last boyfriend I had no sparks in the beginning and that came only after a month of seeing him. Even then, I had no butterflies in my stomach, as many other people do. I think that butterfly stuff is a dagnerous illusion because there are many people (as me) that never feel butterflies but of course are able to fall in love with someone. But if these people get scared and walk away because the first date or the first kiss was not what they expected, then they may loose great relationships. Let yourself time to fall in love and you wil know soon enough if you want him or not. It's not about animals flying in your body, it's more about the feeling you have when your with him or thinking about him. Do you smile when you think of him, do you want to text him, do you want to tell him what happened in your office today?
Oh, your comment made me cry. I am similar to you, never had butterflies, but I do appreciate that person, I miss them, I want to be around them. ♥️ Right now I am single, I have been single for more than 2 years as I have moved to London and dating here scares me as everyone is having sex at first date and are not interested into knowing the person. I am a slow lover, I need to know the person first before having sex.
It's not the sex that I miss, it's the connection with another soul. Caring, loving, sharing with someone.
this just happened to me, i liked this good guy and we went on a date and ...i like him as a friend but there is no spark.
You were not attracted to him physically , or he did something in the date , that turned you off?
I had that too multiple times, even after more than few dates! I don't know what the thing is about actually... I don't feel the spark at all and I just feel sorry for those guys that I am just unable to like more than they kinda expect me to, hm
i date exlusively women i might be attracted in any capasity to, if i feel the vibe of just fun from her i might join as well, but i take only dates seriouse where i know from the start that shes is going to be a person i would enjoy. However i play my cards maybe not "fair" to get so confident with my choices, i always mix out good and bad behavior in the shortest ammount of time at our first meet up (be it for some reason in a date - or at the first contact) so i can quickly get a different perspective of how she reacts to different behavior. Most women are confused by the shifts and even if its a risk to create a bad impression, most of the time especially if u transition in a really comforting zone of behavior they let it slide since they dont know u. So if im pleased with her reaction to my positive and negative behavior i can suely say she meets my personal valeus and even if its not "love on first sight" for me, i can surely give it a chance.
If she thinks im a jerk i guess its a loss, however bad behavior can and will always accure in human interactions, so if she cant deal with it at all its prolly to hard to handle anyway ;) ofc u can manipulate her in the "love" state to ignore some bad sides of u and live with it but w/e i guess its hard to play it completly safe ;D
The spark is not felt from the get-go.
date him again
I've been on a number of dates where the chemistry kicked in AFTER several dates. Like a seed it may have to grow! It is well worth the investment!
I think she sould see him again.. cuz she'll never know and she might regret it, cuz nothing is wrong with the guy so she sould give her self and him a second chance.. and besides, it's not always a love from the first sight 😊
+nounou nou Very insightful.
SParkApCider Thank you giirl 😊
When I met 'the one', I knew there was something about him I was attracted too. From the 1st date I looked forward to seeing him again. I still always look forward to being in his presence, even if we are having disagreements. Every other boyfriend I had there came a point where I wasn't looking forward to seeing them.
@@louisenoonan6180 so, it is you from start to finish.
You just take decision based on feelings.
Your happiness is in your brain, not him.
You need to ask yourself, are you chasing after a spark or getting to know a person? If your intention is to find love, you need to overcome the idea of what you think should happen or feel... Try to connect with them, and if you can connect deeply you'll find that you have something much more than a spark. That's what I did with my fiancé and although there are times I wonder if I settled too soon, I realise that this way of thinking is incredibly toxic and it just makes me unhappy.
I have a good man who truly loves me and is committed. Some days I love him more than I have ever felt before, but some other days I feel like I don't like him at all. But one thing for sure is that I can't imagine my life without him in it! Whether there's a spark or no spark! Maybe I'm comfortable or I've settled or whatever you want to call it... But I'm content because I choose to see him in a better light.
Don't get comfortable and settle AND it is not a surrender time yet. Thanks for these words Matt!
I know a woman who married only to have kids and she's lucky the kids look like her , because she married someone no one would find attractive. Her decision has made her jealous and resentful of other women , she's bitter and raging with envy. She's in a fix she made for herself and lashes out like a projecting narcissist.
You can be physically attracted to a guy but NOT have a spark
True. No attraction at the intelectual level.
ILEANA Montoya so true. I dated one guy who was sexy, yet he did not know what `introverted` meant. He is 40.
Yup happens to me way too often. I can stare at them for hours, loving their face, being treated really well by them, yet couldn’t bare to share another evening together.
@@TaeKat Yes I went on a date with someone I'd fancied for a while and the date was so awkward, as there was no spark and we could barely drag conversation out of each other. So many long awkward silences!
All the time ☺️
Could the other question be : What gave you that spark with the previous guys? Could a person compare the current guy to the previous guy even though it didn't work out but experienced a "spark"? For me I've had the "spark" many times but they weren't the right person. It was just the newness of getting to know someone that you has a certain charm that got my attention. But I was allowing myself to be charmed in the wrong way. The new guy I talk to now doesn't charm me with words or give me this sensational sex me feeling but he's respectful and kind and a well rounded good guy. I'm not going to walk away from him because he doesn't give me the same feeling as the guys before him who obviously didn't work out. I think we have to ask ourselves what do I really want. You never know the person you least expect could be the love of your life. Exactly what you needed.
I think there is a baseline of attraction that never fades with someone who you were and are truly attracted to even if the “spark “ goes away .
Relationships are hard enough between two people even when they are attracted to each other , just imagine how much more difficult between two people who never felt attracted to each other (or only one sided ). It’s the original attraction buried deep down that is going to motivate the couple to want to work things out when things get difficult as all relationships do . It’s so overly simplistic to say things like looks fade as if that is the only reason why one person would like another. I have been attracted to a few guys who were not conventionally attractive but that didn’t matter because I was attracted to them overall to where they’d looks didn’t bother me.
But when you have a decent looking guy with good qualities who you’re STILL not attracted to , why should you force yourself to like him just because he’s a good guy when you feel absolutely NO attraction whatsoever ?
A romantic relationship is called a romantic relationship because it separates it from a good friendship . I’ll bet everyone who is advising someone to continue dating someone else despite no chemistry or attraction would never do the same themselves.
i wish i could kiss you for your wonderful comment. You have a good head on your shoulders and keep it real 100%. Thank you!!
Exactly! Well stated.
This seems to be so true but it is so hard to separate out those feelings sometimes
@@Dancediva240 haha thank you so much !! ❤️❤️
@@AoibheannDoyle-SoulTherapist thank you dear ! 🥰
"Scarcity mindset." Bingo. That's EXACTLY what I've got. I'm 67, still looking forward to a lot in life, and yet very conscious of the fact that my "dating pool" is much smaller given my age (the cougar thing gives me the creeps; I need rapport), and given my height, which also reduces my options. Thank you for helping me get clear on my own mind. I like being kind and honest both, and protecting my and everyone else's time.
If it's first date, try second, third. Chemistry can come. If it won't after You meet him better, just leave.
true
Met a great girl yesterday. My expectations were tempered: I just wanted her to be what she was on the phone/skype/text. She was, but for whatever reason she felt it so little that she wasn't willing to do a 2nd date.
It took me 3-4 dates before I felt sexual chemistry with my current partner and even after that we didn’t sleep together for three weeks after the first couple dates though he felt more like my friend than a lover and I almost put him in the friend zone. till I really opened myself up to the idea of being romantic with him... he was very far from my “type” that gives me the spark or butterfly’s... but this man is a genuine good guy and because of that I think it was harder for me to be open up. He has his life together and has similar goals to me. But Because my “type” was not a sweet guy... it was usually broken men that didn’t have there stuff together and hurt me in the long run (I’m a serial monogamist shortest relationship is 2 years longest is 8 years) it made it hard for me to be open to this new type of man because the unknown is scary! But now when he messages me those butterfly’s are there and our romantic relationship is just fireworks 💥 but he is also a great companion and friend. Don’t count a guy out because u don’t feel the initial spark sometimes the best relationships are from guys u would least expect.
Don't settle! Never felt a spark with my current husband but I feel very comfortable! I feel like time is running out since I'm getting older (33). I tried to break up things with him once but he started crying and he reminded me of all the things he did for me 😢. I feel stuck!
+becuteforme SO he guilted you into staying with him? That' sounds like subtle emotional manipulation to me. Is that the kind of guy you want to be with? If he really cared about you, wouldn't he want you to be happy even if it's not with him?
make a baby haha
Squirggles
You are totally right!
*****
You think so?
Maris I
NO way!
3 date rule ppl. go out with someone for 3 dates and then decide. Everyone today just go on one date and then they say i dont see myself marrying you. Well my father didnt see himself marrying my mother on the first date. Here is the prob the way ppl view this spark they belive it to be like in movies its not and another thing they belive this spark to last until they die and it will take care of everything. Well my parents have been married for 30 years and love eachother very much but honestly they dont have the spark anymore i havnt even seen them kiss each other for atleast 12 years after time the spark butterflies and all that goes away and what is lef is your best friend someone who will always be their for you. Why because that is how it works life aint like the movies and reason why many ppl are single and deppresed is because they belive their lives will be like the movies
i dont know, touch ist the most important - dont think i could be with a woman once that goes away
I wish it were like this in the U.K. in the U.K. if you go out with someone on one date and get on ok, they rush to the conclusion you’re basically going to be an item and dating is merely a formality. They then get shitty and moan about you to everyone when you say it’s not for you later. “Oh but we got on sooo well, what??”. Yeah, but I get on with the milkman, doesn’t mean I’m going to marry them.
People chase instant gratification. It's true that romantic love gives way to a more mature and less passionate love. Your parents may not shower each other with affection in public, but behind closed doors... you never know (unless you walk in on them w/o knocking).
Here's the thing. If you liked him enough to go out with him and didn't feel the spark, it's because you two weren't touching, he didn't make you feel comfortable in order for you to open up and accept his touching while talking. Once you get past that comfort barrier and you allow someone to engage with you in more than a friendly way, you'll feel the tension. Otherwise you walk away if know you are not attracted, but that's not the case so you're asking this question. Because sparks come and go based on your current relationship with the person. In long term relationships when partners don't argue and positive emotions are engaged throughout the day, they are going to grow more fond of eachother, and if that continues, it becomes bliss. Spark is attraction and familiarity with the person enough to allow them to pass through friendship barriers, which engages sexual tension, which is what a spark is.
After a very painful divorce, I decided to make sure this would never happen to me again, so I took a more "calculated" approach to choosing my next husband, but chemistry and communication were definitely missing. And now I'm divorced again, but know life is too short to ever settle for anything less than absolute chemistry and attraction. I'm too passionate to exist without passion in my relationship too. Great advice Matt & Stephen! 💗
I felt a spark with men, who along the way were very wrong for me! I now try to look beyond ‘the spark’ and see if there’s something more to the guy. I now met a guy who is just plain nice, okay job, home, life, really a good guy, and he made me laugh and brought me to places I enjoyed, he hasn’t missed a date and he’s very trustworthy, which is a breath of fresh air after really terrible dates with different kind of men! He’s Nice, love him for that.
I like that he used the word "scarcity". That's how I think the people around me are going about in relationships.
First date isn't enough in order for you to like a person. It takes time and effort for you to like each other. Why not give him another chance?Who knows you'll discover more interesting about him and sparks will fly for both of you.
I felt the spark at first. I was so into him but then he fell for me too quickly like in a few weeks and guess I took him for granted. All the spark went away. He’s such a great guy and I am happy when I’m with him. He treats me like a princess. But as soon as I go back home I feel nothing at all. No excitement at all!! I just feel like I won’t be falling in love with him. And he wanted to introduce me to his parents. The fact that he went too quick probably turned me off... Anyone know what I should do? I don’t know what I want anymore
Listening to this again, I feel that there WAS a spark initially, but all of the energy and chemistry was in their phone and text communications.
She probably expected that spark/chemistry to replicate itself when they met face to face.
But it couldn't, hence the feeling of deflation on the dates.
By the time they eventually met, the initial interest had been played out.
There's a good reason why dating coaches say that you shouldn't spend too much time talking on the phone or texting before you meet.
Not too sure if I agree but still good video to watch. My parents hated each other's guts for the longest time. During their first few dates, my mom didn't feel any spark and thought "yeah I knew it." But as time progressed, they fell for each other and have been married for 37 years now.
I feel like this is such a huge issue- the "scarcity mindset". It was great to hear the guys perspective and wonderful advice on it. Love the fact that Steven got to add his insight live. Hopefully the duo will become a regular occurrence.
The thing is when you finally do meet that person you have the spark with and you’re not single, you’ll have wish you waited.
So, might as well cheat. Right?
@@Feber2001 she said wish. WISH.
I agree that she needs to date rather than surrender. I wouldn't prize that chemical reaction overmuch though, especially early on. Chemicals wear off with the pace and patterns of life and often leave people with someone they thought they knew but really just had chemically induced blinders on to true compatibility.
Be very wary of those who you fall for too fast, the relationship will die even faster. It never worked out for me when I fell for the person too quick, it makes you look weak or desperate. The right person for you is apparently the one who makes you feel more like yourself, and who makes you fell comfortable. Don't overthink it and yes give that guy a shot maybe he's shy!
Seems like the problem here is that "spark" is such an impossibly vague word.
Sexual chemistry is one thing, and I'm inclined to think a couple either has it or doesn't, although how that chemistry looks and feels waxes and wanes and changes a bit over time.
"Spark" as in "crush" is something else. I think people build each other up in their minds, and when the individual doesn't meet expectations, this built-up person we create, the "spark" somehow "vanishes." We want to feel weak in the knees and be swept off our feet, and sometimes that happens, sometimes it's just too much whiskey and then the headache in the morning. You know?
Anyway, I just think the word itself wants a bit of unpacking and if we're talking about "spark" in terms of chemistry I completely agree that it's necessary unless both parties are more or less asexual and that element isn't important to them.
"Spark" in terms of sort of storybook romance is mostly in the eye of the beholder and rarely lasts, as people have said here. I like to crush out, though. It's exciting. It's not impossible I could build a real relationship off a crush -- it's happened -- but it's not hugely likely and it's better just to enjoy the emotions and roller coaster of it and expect nothing of it, ultimately.
+Kate Bachus Well put! There is a distinctive difference between 'spark' and 'chemistry'. Spark indeed, waxes and wanes over time.
I dated a guy for 2 years, we had no spark. I could have landed up married to him and I would always have felt unfulfilled. The spark is important
Great post. Defining "Spark" and "Chemistry" is really important for each individual. Know thyself!
I keep linking this article, but it's a really interesting one. Whenever I've been tempted to do the "rational" thing as regard dating, work or anything else, it usually works out badly and this article explains why.
www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/evolution-the-self/201306/how-rational-are-rational-marriages%3famp
When I was at university three million years ago, I used to play tennis with a boy I didn't fancy in the least in the beginning. He made me laugh so much during our matches (when I was about to return the ball he'd grunt really loudly for example to put me off) that little by little I started finding him attractive. Women DO fall in love with their ears, and THEN their eyes. You have to be patient! It's crazy but you CAN fall in love with an ordinary-looking man who is witty.
I'm grateful for this episode. After following Matthew Hussey on UA-cam then purchasing his online products, I went from wallowing over my ex-BF to realizing my standards and pencilling in dates with various men. The guys I'll be seeing have potential.
I wanted to know the difference between compatibility and chemistry to help me decide which gentlemen is worth my commitment. Thank you, Matthew Hussey, Stephen Hussey, and the Get The Guy team.
I had the same problem with a girl, after 2 dates she told me there's no connection, which I thought was pretty stupid for her to make a decision that quick. That's not enough time to get to know someone, relationships take time to build and I was still getting to know her to see if I liked her. It's her loss anyways, let her spend all of her life shopping and trying to find her "spark". I know that eventually there will be a woman who is excited to be around me and want to see me.
Amen brother. We all deserve a woman who are excited to see and be with us. Anything less, I wouldn't bother. I rather keep looking
I understand that if the chemistry/attraction isn't there, it may not be worth it. But love has many forms and you're not missing out on "all the other single people" when you're spending time getting to know one person. If your mind is constantly wandering, you may not be ready for a relationship. You can date Brad Pitt, and still think Tom Hardy is hotter and younger, so you may want to look for more, so to speak. I believe, dating apps have made people greedy about a surreal love, which is unhealthy. What if the first guy you dated is the best them all but you've just realized this after dating dozens of others? And what are you going to do in the future when your marriage seems to have lost its spark? The key here is to learn how to appreciate people who care about you. But hey, I'm just a 32 year old guy, who is also on a dating app. But I take my dates seriously, and I only date one person at a time. If it works, fine. If it doesn't, fine. At least I don't regret not paying enough attention to someone.
Hoping and wishing you'll start to like them eventually? What does that even mean? You clearly like them ALREADY if you're >hoping and wishing< you'll like them. No one hopes and wishes to like someone they currently dislike. They simply move on. (Unless they're locked in some contractual commitment I suppose.)
I had NO attraction to my son's father initially. after a couple of mos attraction grew HUGE.
Lee Catalano No it didn’t.
@@elta6241 And how would you know?
omgsh thank you soo much for this!! this question of feeling the 'spark' has been on my mind lately. what you said about comfort is soo true!
I always find that I feel the spark and butterflies with players
I started crying during this because the person I’m going out with is littreally perfect but.. I’m not excited and I don’t think about him in my spare time and The first thing I do in the morning isn’t messaging him good morning is me feeling like I’m alone.. I just want something real and I feel like I will never find it
Aww, maybe explore what 'perfect' means to YOU. What about him makes you think he's perfect?
If you think you will never find 'it', you really won't.
For me: often I find I need to know someone Before I feel a ‘spark’. Sparks can happen after a while:) But it is worth it to maybe keep seeing other people:)
There is a big difference between compatibility and the connection with someone is such a huge difference. The compatibility is when you share the same values, point of views, goals, etc. And the connection you can have it with your family, friends or colleges. The spark happens later when the persons opens up a little bit and so do you.
I spent a LOT of time meeting up with Women who don't "feel that spark", and we're only meeting up to see if we WANT to date each other. They won't stick around unless they feel that "instantaneous spark". I just passed my 65th Birthday and never found anyone to have a family and kids with. I'm too old now to keep looking anymore.
I had a 5 year relationship with someone that I didn’t have the spark with . When we hit problems for me there wasn’t the thread of the spark to bind me and make me want to really sort the problems out . I had the spark in my marriage that always made me want to sort out problems out . Now I wouldn’t consider dating without the spark
So easy to get stuck in the "comfort zone" which wastes your life away. And although it takes guts to remain single, you can easily get stuck in an attitude of scarcity (which creates your reality).
That is so naive though.. if you don't connect with the guy, just end it instead of stringing him along like a puppy while screwing around with other guys.
Like honestly, women need to stop this shit of being self-centered.
+Jessie Quinton I am a woman and I am in agreement with you. I wish more people would speak up because I am certain that I am not the only person who finds this deplorable, to say the least.
I know this comment is old but I can relate. Im happy to see a woman write this. This woman I dated was seeing someone else for months and didn't tell me until i confronted her about how shes acting. Be honest with men. It's better they cut their losses and move on then for you to lead them astray for months and rip their hear out. It's not fair.
Despicable.
I have to point out that there is a bit of a strange disconnect that happens with online dating. You don't have the person to person electricity that happens when in person, something occurs to one person that makes them see the others as potential date or more. If you are consciously seeking a partner, then it's very interesting when you see that little light go on in someone you've just met in a casual way; at your hiking group, or a charity event. However when you are online, that little spark happens when you see their profile, or get the flirt, or message from them. (It's much more subtle.) Then you go into analytical mode and that's not as mysterious or exciting as meeting someone, in person whom you know very little, if anything about. There is a thrill in the stranger. You would then go into a detail seeking mode and there are social rules about how one gets the data one needs to evaluate the match, so you spend time when pheromones and curiosity blend to create that attractive pull. And possibly blind you to their faults.
I have found now when going to a situation when I know there are single guys, that I want to read their profiles to be able to rule out the chaff of "unsuitables" before my head starts to swim with their charisma. I am more interested in their character. The spark of enthusiasm fades with time. The fire of passion builds with connection, and connection builds more easily with good lifestyle and personality matching. I would have advised this woman to trust in the quality guy's ability to ignite her inner flame in time. If it doesn't start happening over time as the relationship deepens then perhaps they are better off just friends. It seems a shame to let quality go, over chemistry. I think decisions made calmly are better than those made in the heat of passion. Proof over time will tell.
+Cynthia Rose well stated.
So wise
Well I had a first messages spark, then the first date threw me off and was not convinced. Decided to go on a second date and then it sparked big time ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I have never felt a spark. I'm very analytical. I understand chemistry is based on hormones primarily and I try not to get swept up in the emotions but also try to see the person for who they are.
I had a relationship of over 10 years and I felt no spark at the beginning but I really grew to love him. He was my greatest love.
Honestly I think two dates is too small of a sample size. What if it was just a bad day or perhaps it takes longer for someone to open up more?
But what about, when the only sort of people you have ever been 'attracted' to, or felt 'excited' about, have been the wrong person for you? There is something to be said for always being attracted to the wrong partner (i.e. emotionally unavailable, abusive, neglectful) as well and I think that is an area that requires some deeper, self discovery.
I enjoy listening to Matthew and Stephen. They are both very intelligent. You guys rock!
It is possible that she doesn't think he looks as good in real life as he does in pictures... and perhaps she was hoping a second look would change her mind since he is theoretically a perfect guy (husband material even) but no she can't see past his looks.
+Nonhlanhla M You brought up some great points. We may never know. Maybe she's not really into wanting a relationship? Maybe she gets bored after the initial? Maybe the sex is boring? You know all of those things men say to exit interactions. I truly do not know, but a large part of moving on is assessing. You don't have to assess in a non-committed relationship, but for your own personal growth you need to know why you make the choices you make. If you stay or leave, you need to learn how to own your decisions. I would never give advice to someone who refuses to answer that question. I've Matt dig and get the answer, or better yet prop the question to where the caller at least admits they do not know the answer. But avoiding a direct question is the subject of a much greater issue.
It is great to add Steve on the show so that we can have dating advise from two guys' perspective!! It's a good deal for us lady, isn't it? Thank you Matt :)
For the lady on the call, just say " NEXT" to yourself to keep moving on to next guy!! Be very honest with yourself what you really want, be bold, think big and be confident with yourself that you find a man that can really makes you spark!!
If you settle for less than you want, I am sure months later, years later and decades later you will be 100 times more scared, miserable and regret. Be aware of that!!
There have been plenty of times when I didn't feel the spark until we kissed. There have also been times I felt a major attraction initially which fell flat when we kissed. I would ask myself if I could stand the thought of kissing this guy, and if so, give it a shot and see what happens.
Hey Mathew! I have been following and listening a few of dating coach for a while, you are always the one I agree with the most. I just went one a date with a guy who is absolutely nice, easy to talk to, have similar value and interest with me etc... But somehow I just don't feel anything. I understand other people always say things like :" give him another chance" or " be friend with him first, you never know." But from my experience, if I don't feel the initial spark ( a least a little bit), it will never work. I don't want to hurt anyone and myself too.
At this point, I really don't know what to do. I have bought your book, your online program, followed your advice and took actions in the past 5 years. I did learned so much from it, and it helped me grow so much personally. But thing just not happening. I am not saying I am gonna give up on love or anything, in this moment, I just want to know if I should keep searching the person that makes me feel spark initially until I reach to my 40s, ( I laughed a lot while I am wring this, I just turned 30 by the way lol) or take another approach, for example, keep seeing with someone I have no chemistry with at the beginning and see what happens?
I feel lost in this moment. I have also dated guys who I did feel initial spark, but soon I found out they are not compatible with me... What should I do then?
If you have some sort of connection such as some shared interests,shared values,similar long term goals give it a second shot you might be pleasantly surprised!
If you don’t like him after 2 dates you probably don’t like him. It’d better to be alone then with a guy you don’t care for
I recently had the opposite issue, where I felt that spark in the first three dates and then the fourth and fifth had zero spark. He didn't do anything wrong, and I still find him objectively attractive, but the chemistry/spark just disappeared completely.
I disagree. She's only been on two dates with him! I think many people don't give the people they date a chance, or a little time for something to grow. I'm not saying spend months on one person if you continually don't feel anything, but give it a little more time than you usually would to really get to know someone - ESPECIALLY since she said she is happy with everything else about this guy. Why would you let someone go that has so many traits that you want when there's a possibility it can turn into something? I agree that she should continue to seek other people as well, simultaneously, though. That's kind of how dating works for most of us anyway... not many people just date one person at a time anymore. Good luck!
This happened to me last year. Met a girl on OKCupid, had an initial meet up for coffee and went on 2 dates. On that 2nd date she told me she wasn't feeling a connection, couple days later she expressed interest in trying again, a couple weeks go by and we don't get together and she ends up ghosting me. She recently apologized to me, said it was nothing that I did but she ended up meeting someone and moving with them to another state after only knowing the guy for 2 1/2 weeks.
Murphdawg1 gaming it sounds like you dodged a loose cannon. sorry she was shit to you.
Katherine K I suppose so lol, never would have thought that during the time I was getting to know her.
Murphdawg1 gaming yeah being a flake is hard to detect early or with compatibility scores. I dealt with some people like that, okcupid was still better than most places online. I will always be partial to it because I found my fiance there. (: try not to let the process if finding someone get you down. It is worth it in the end.
Katherine K For some reason she seems to think that I didn't or wouldn't accept just being friends with her, when I never said such a thing. I enjoyed hanging out with her and she was fun to talk to.
This is so raw and genuine way more than any other relationship coach on this same topic.
Ok, so if she goes after that men with that sparks, can somebody tell me where will be that sparks after months, years of relationship that dont go well, that spark will be present or will be enough to resolve any problem? It will be there? Of course not! Sparks is important, but not essencial.
+Johnny Marques You are absolutely correct. There are things that keep that flame flickering: spontaneous dating, discovering new things together, etc. For most, they lose interest because they are bored and stop the effort once the person is solidly in their camp. Johnny, you and I along with a few others will simply have to hope and pray we meet an old school values person who simply is not employing this Soap Opera Fantasy regarding relationships.
+SParkApCider Oh my God, what beautiful words you just said, even if I could speak English, I could not express myself so well, I am Brazilian and my English is rusty! But you said everything a person needs to know what really is most important in a relationship! Muito bom!
Johnny Marques
Awe thank you!
I come from a dysfunctional family, a “spark” means: this is familiar. A “spark” means: toxicity. Actually, I will be so happy to be comfortable with someone, meet their mom and also know the name of their (as you say) dog’s name. Because comfort is something I am not comfortable with. I am dating a great person yet I have not felt a spark at the first date. But you know what? She makes me laugh, she is intelligent, I can be myself, she is honest, open and authentic. And she seems to really care for me. I am definitely going on a next date! Maybe a spark will come , maybe it does not. But out of my respect to both of us, I am very happy to continue slow dating!