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*Saying NO is saying YES to yourself ♡ saying NO is healthy, is respecting yourself and putting your best interests first. You are not being selfish or rude, you are loving yourself!!!!*
I want to do that so bad but I can't 😔 Even if I'm not gonna lose them, the idea that they'll change their thinking about me freaks me out. So jealous of you!
@@aysu9356 I still think like that to some extent because I’m still a people pleaser (even though I’m trying hard to unlearn the fawn response). But there’s only so much I can take before I’m at my breaking point. When I tried to set boundaries I think it was too late into the friendship. So they were probably thinking, “Who is this new person who all of a sudden has boundaries? You’re not my doormat anymore??” And then they left because they realized they couldn’t use me anymore. But now I’m working on setting boundaries at the beginning of friendships so I don’t end up getting close to toxic people
@@Jade-wb6fd omg exactly!! The part where you said “who is this new person that has boundaries now? They’re not my doormat anymore??” I felt this so much!! I remember finally sticking up for myself from my “friend” and she actually got angry. Lol. It’s funny now but when it happened I didn’t feel good. It was like a joke to her. She was thinking like “who does she think she is?!?” Because she wasn’t used to it. That wasn’t my personality or character. But over time I had to learn. I learned the hard way but I still learned. Sometimes it’s tough but I’m MUCH better than I was in the past few years.
@@takemypainaway9517 Yeah my “friend” got angry too when I finally stood up for myself. Yeah that’s exactly why she was angry because she wasn’t used to me standing up for myself. At the time I didn’t understand why she was so angry at me as if I was the one that did something wrong. But now I understand that it was because she knew she couldn’t get her way with me anymore. I had to learn the hard way too but I think I needed to at the time. Yeah it is tough but that’s great that you’re feeling much better now! I’m happy for you!
Yeah I've actually discovered that I've always had one sided relationships with my friends and I'm constantly giving to other people but I don't recieve anything back and tha led me to feel extremely burned out and fatigued. Any advice on how to let go and set boundaries?
Can't do that with different views and stuff; for example, if I have Faith in God, I can't talk about it at work, because of non-believers and because of their views I can't talk about it because it is considered a "conflict starter" and even in schools... also you are forced to just not voice your opinions because of different people's views. That's everywhere; so it's hard not to be a people pleaser when you can get kicked out of school for it possibly.
I'm an empath, and it feels overwhelming to set boundaries. I am so used to prioritizing others, but it depletes my energy. I'm working to be more assertive, because it is self-care to have healthy boundaries.
There’s inner boundaries and Outter Boundaries if you exude confidence as Empath Narcissistic people stay nah try to come out you sideways but they’ll think twice to cross you because when your in your power and empowerment as an Empath it’s truly admirable, either people wil love you or hate you
Boundaries is not about being rude, it's about acknowledging that your wellbeing comes first in your priority list. When you feel good, everything around you will be affected in a positive way.
You're right, except narcisists will envy you more and attack you. I don't know about you guys, but I sometimes have to "hide" my true self and happiness to not affect negative people around me and "trick" them I am at the same level. I have to learn more how to stop feeling guilty about myself being self-confident and feeling good in my own shoes and don't care about other people who didn't work on themselves more efficiently.
I'm from an Asian household and my family would shame me for setting my boundaries and joke around abt it. Been trying to communicate with them for awhile but it always ends the same regardless. I feel your pain
That's the problem with society. We are "trained" and brainwashed into thinking we have to be nice and make others happy instead of ourselves. Most of our parents tell us it is not acceptable to say no or argue and to just agree with everything. When really the other person just cares about their needs and not yours. That's where boundaries come in.
People wonder why I am SO big on setting boundaries. You know why? Because past experiences with being a push over and being abused has made me realize that boundaries ARE important. I was tired of being pushed around. I was tired of abuse. Ever since I have laid out boundaries, everything has been bliss for me.
Whenever i try to set a boundary the other person either acts like i'm joking and doesn't take me seriously or they don't respect it at all... How can i be better at setting boundries?
@Minfires I would say keep insisting on the boundaries to make it clear that you are actually serious. That's happened to ne as well because I haven't been setting consistent boundaries before. Just keep at it! Wish you the best 😊
@@minfires7572 Well, if those people don't respect that and took it as a joke, maybe it's time for you to leave those people. They are toxic to your growth. And that's how you set boundary.
How does the other person know your pain? Your pain is no concern to anyone but you and you need to protect your enegry from being redirected in a negative way
My childhood role from the age of 5 and on was the peace keeper. I had violent and abusive siblings, a hysterical, rage ful and distrustful alcoholic mother and an aloof, distant and passive aggressive father. Between play I was the one giving up my toys, treats and privileges to end the violent conflicts between siblings and parents. I became addicted to food at age ten and gaining affection and approval from every friend and stranger in my world became my greatest desire. Only now at 31 am I beginning to believe I am worthy of protection and self respect and starting to make progress in identifying and enforcing my personal boundaries. It’s extremely difficult.
Boundaries are so important! Instead of thinking saying "no" is mean and selfish, we can think that if we agree to something we don't want to do - we're actually being "fake" and trying to trick others into liking us. And THAT is selfish.
Growing up in Japan, pleasing people is something that determines if you are grown-up or not. And it took so much time for me to realize that pleasing people is not what I wanted in my life. Thank you so much for such a inspiring video 😍😍😍
Just a slight caveat about the “other people’s feelings are not your responsibility”. I think some very blunt people do use this as an excuse to say things that they want to get off their chest though they know they’re hurtful and tactless. I think the key and compassionate balance is to speak honestly, but with the intention of being kind and considerate of people’s feelings. That way, if someone does react badly it was not your intention, but you don’t have to feel guilty. I just think we actually do have SOME responsibility to be careful with the feelings of others; but our greatest responsibility is to ourself - you’re right 🌸 It’s just I’ve heard this reasoning misused before!! X
Yes I agree, I Don’t want to hurt anyone intentionally so I want to learn to express my boundaries in a healthy and safe way. And also kind way so to not hurt the other person.
SaintOrCinema That's exactly right and I want to add that it's necessary to be extremely rude and even to hurt people sometimes though. I've had traumatic experiences with some who got very angry when I wouldn't do what they wanted, so certain individuals won't accept boundaries, no matter how respectfully it's conveyed. As you'd know, it's a sign to stay away from those types of people, yet it's not always possible, especially in regard to family members. ❤
@@cyndigooch1162 yess.. the old adage of THEY ARE YOUR FAMILY.. for the last couple of years, I've been trying to implementing my boundaries towards few family members n i got this pushback.
@@cyndigooch1162 what i'm currently dealing with :( My younger sisters don't respect my boundaries at all. They're either immature or selfish and I'm so exaushted from always expressing my feelings and then them saying I'm just being sensitve. It's so hard to distance myself from them because i live with them and I will always have to deal with them because they're my family
I am the one who is always trying to find the balance of giving time to each of my friends and specially when they are not in good terms with each other and I am just doing stuff to make everyone happy and come together and it's so exhausting. I am so so so done!!
I feel like this was speaking directly to me. I grew up with a mentally unhealthy parent which made me always feel responsible for other people’s feelings and that if they were unhappy it was because of me. Boundaries are a new thing I’m working on but I’ve realized just how much of myself I’ve let go or not allowed to grow because I was using my energy on others. Thank you for this message!
“It is okay to say no without any reason”. This quote really resonated with me because a few weeks ago, I backed out of doing something solely for the reasons of I was tired and didn’t feel like doing it in that moment. Afterwards, I felt so lazy and guilty because I didn’t have a “good enough” reason. This line helped me see that I did have a good enough reason, so thank you. ❤️
Except, how do you actually conduct the conversation? It rarely is as simples as saying 'no thank you" and then they say , "ok, no problem "and that is that.
I agree with this. When we are secure and have self-love, we don't need validation or acceptance from others. But, I can tell you from my own experience that this is not easy especially if you have had a very toxic childhood or complete toxic life. I undervalued myself my whole life but this year, I understood the importance of setting up personal boundaries. You can check my UA-cam channel- *Revamp Mind* where I post videos on self-help, career, and other interesting topics, or check on the link to watch my video on setting up personal boundries- *ua-cam.com/video/6ZK9ELqM6u0/v-deo.html*
An aspect of this that wasn’t mentioned is that, your circle is going to start getting smaller when you start setting and enforcing real boundaries. People will start dropping out of your life and that’s going to feel bad at first. It’s going to get a little lonely. People that don’t respect boundaries might just stop being so present with you. So be prepared for that. People will guilt trip you, insult you, attack your personhood etc. when they hear the word “No” and they may just disappear. Look at it as a chance to open up your life and your world into the direction you want to go in and free up space for healthier relationships.
I am fairly "selfish" in that I know my own boundaries well, and over the years I have become very willing to say no, HOWEVER, being a highly empathetic person, I definitely needed the note about "you are not responsible for other peoples feelings". I AM acting the people around me cannot handle their own emotions and "harmony at all costs" generally comes with me holding my tongue, so thank you 💖
something worth mentioning(even tho is "obvious") is - learning to walk away when someone does not respect our boundries. people pleasers might be able to learn how to say no(i did),but the next step is leaving when someone crosses our bondries once/twice and thats it.
So much needed! Honestly, I know I have this need of pleasing people, but it's still so hard for me to deal with that. At least good to know I'm not alone in this :)
I had a friend who used me for errands. She didn't drive but lived a block down from the stores. I would sit in my car for at least 25 minutes and boy did I feel used. I finally told her to take care of her own errands for now on or get up earlier. She got mad so I dumped her. This is the sign of a toxic friend. I felt good I told her how I felt and dropped her.
"Always do the best for yourself.. Everyone else are doing the best for themselves." This is so true.. I just realised it now. Thank you Aileen for this video.. you always post videos on right time.
this is my biggest problem... to the point theres nothing left to my self... that I learned in a hard way that I should learn to take care first myself before anyone else ...
This is an excellent video! I have placed solid boundaries with toxic family members and they don’t understand and say negative things. Now I don’t get upset I just move on and do the best I can for those around me
"You are trying to shield everybody else from pain, when you are the one hurting." I felt that one very hard and i look forward to watch your advice video for people pleasers right after i finished this one. And later on i will write those points into my notebook. I have to remember it all and reread and rewatch this too
I so needed to hear this. I'm always so afraid to hurt other people's feelings because in the past I have unintentionally. And sometimes people retaliate, or i'm afraid they're going to abandon me. Or because people just can't accept/respect no as an answer so I have to explain myself because they're asking why.
I’ve not only lost my ex boyfriend but one of my friend’s too whom I thought was more self-aware of their actions. They both began an emotional affair that led to them constantly hanging out, texting 24/7 and my boyfriend putting her needs before mine. I allowed this to happen…I didn’t stand up for myself and when I tried it was met with blaming me for whatever reason. I finally decided to stand up for myself and say this is NOT OK because it feels as though they were cheating and taking advantage of my acceptance of the situation when in actual fact I shut down and became depressed..eventually I sought therapy because I felt as though I was invisible and essentially the 3rd wheel even though it was my boyfriend and good friend…anyway I have since received the courage to stand up for ME which ended up losing both of them as important figures in my life. It’s heartbreaking but something that needed to be done. I have slowly started to learn that I am not accepting of these situations and boundaries do need to be set when it comes to future boyfriends “girl friends” as I am not comfortable with feeling like the 3rd wheel.
I do because sometimes there's some interesting and well worth info there! Smiled so hard at the stalker outside the window because that's how I am in my head....sometimes 😂😅
I'm a lone wolf now from seeing the damage caused by NOT setting boundaries. Now I have a group of people who are awesome. Out with the trash in with the new.
I sacrificed my inner peace and joy for others but now I am practicing to set boundaries..and I am feeling happy inside and outside..and thank you so much Aileen for helping me in this journey.
I am an Emphatic person. Thanx for most of the information about setting boundaries. It was quite helpful. My comment may not alter your thinking process but I should say this, not all yu said were correct. You are a human being. If yu start prioritising yourself only, you are called mean, selfish, insane person. We should know our value, yes and others as well. Being too afraid of hurting others may not be the right thing but that’s the call of yur human inside. Being honest, straightforward is great. Situations defines all. If I be straightforward person, I should say this, “You are the college cheerleader mean girl who has a face, thinks she deserves the best, a spoiled girl who is going to marry a high value man and will demand freedom of her own, do whatever she wants and eventually destroying her marriage or, marry a rich person do whatever she wants and after one point of time will get to know she is not she anymore.” Do not waste your time. The thinking process yu entirely have is toxic.
This is the video right here. I have been overcoming being a people pleaser over the last year and have made so many breakthroughs and discoveries. Saying no was so difficult for me because I was afraid of making others angry. OMG! It feels so much better to take care of myself, communicate my needs and honor what's best for me. Thank you 💞
"...managing the perception of others and taking more responsibility than is actually ours. So we've been abandoning ourself to make sure other people are okay" WOW. That's so very true!!! It's so important to know how/when to prioritize your self love and that it's OKAY to put yourself first. You deserve it!!! So so soooo important 👏👏👏
Thank you for pointing this out. I'm glad to find your video. I'm 30 years old, and I realized that I have been a people pleaser all my life because I do not want to disappoint my family, my co-workers, etc. Now, I want to focus on self-love and taking care of myself since I have deprive myself of such for a long time.
took me so long to realize i was doing this, mostly bc the people in my life just straight up wouldnt let me believe it was what was going on because it wasnt convenient for them
I’ve been having a hard time with a friend recently, and I didn’t know If i should express and communicate with her or not, but this video definitely gave me the answer. tysmmm!!
Hi Aileen - This is certainly a topic that is relevant and important to everyone. Boundaries are a good thing! It is essential if not critical for our health and wellbeing as well as when it comes to our relationships with others. You can't give from an empty cup - we need to look after ourselves in order to serve our purpose and help others :-) Be true and honest with yourself, don't play to an ideal, take time to find out what are the right boundaries you need to set for yourself Thanks for sharing - adding great value as always x
saying NO to those who spread their toxic energy spoiling our peace is always the best thing to do for your own goodness.... Thank you so much very very good message..Aileen❤👍
The problem is people create pushovers and people pleasers, the moment you defend yourself they say you're a trouble maker, conflictive, peace breaker, party pooper, they say you're overreacting, you're emotional, you're gonna cry, and the list goes on and on...
Great advice. I’m in my 30s and I’m still learning. This kind of subject matter was never brought up when I was younger. I’m glad we’re getting away from the mentality that women should put everyone before themselves. So important to put yourself first and not let others drag you down 🙂
So helpful! I have a very hard time with saying the scary word," NO". This taught me that it is okay to say no and it is safe to say it without giving reason to it.
It's because growing up we are taught that it is unacceptable to express our needs and wants. If you said no or argued or expressed your opinions you were punished. Making it seem like it's bad for you to put yourself before others.
same i need to say no to everyone and not allow the world too take advantage,!!!”. of me i want the world to no i’m a amazing 😉 adult with a disability but that don’t stop me i will keep on going. in i will not ever allow people to step all over me i have to set boundaries with everyone
I used to be a people pleaser, i found when i started speaking up to people. they were taken aback, mad and offended. Only because they were used to me being a pushover.
I really kove to watch every vids of her cause her lines are so deep and so easily understandable, it also helps me to improve my talking. She is a great motivational.💕 Her lines have so many inspirational quotes. "If you don't decide for yourself, other people will decide for you." "Stop trying to make everything okay cause things can't always go okay, you can't be okay with everything, people can't be okay with everybody, everything and you have to be okay with that." "Say no what doesn't serve you."
This video is very hard to even press for me much more watching it. Nobody taught me to do this things I just realized that I taught myself. So its very emotional for me because of the damage that has brought throughout my life.
I just had some self reflection and realized I need to set up boundaries bc I’m a giver and ppl take so much. Def happy to see this video on my feed. ☺️
This was the exact video I needed, after realizing about me wanting to please people and not be who I was. I literally just texted with one of my closest friends about "Okay, I think it's time to set some boundaries..." Because I know exactly what I was doing, I just thought I was doing what was right for me. I took a reality check and turned out that I was just hurting myself and burying myself deeper into my shell. Thank you so much!! ♥
Indonesian, Spanish, Portuguese, Vietnamese & Chinese subtitles are available! Click "CC" and check the video settings. Thank you to the contributors listed in the description 💕
Great vid! I would like to learn more about what to do when ppl is not understanding and attack you when you set a healthy boundary in a respectful way😢
Thank you for this video. The best thing I ever did was set healthy boundaries, I got a lot more respect and the people who got angry about with me for doing so left and my life became more peaceful. It was hard but I have better friends and relationships now. Sending love your way
So true, people are self-serving and seem more comfortable and inclined to be pleased with you when you're not asserting your own boundaries but their world ends and you are considered everything short of the devil himself when you do. They will fight tooth and nail to make you acknowledge their standards of doing things yet will blatantly disregard yours and will justify themselves at every turn
I seriously don’t know how this happened but since the last week i have been having such of these problems, i have never needed this much , thank you girl keep going ♥️♥️✨
It took me a while to realize that people actually respect meaner people , I don’t have any “ real” friends at all so I thought with being kind I’d have more but no,being kind is considered either naive or fake .
Having been raised by multiple narcissists and catering to them all my life, it feels so selfish to take care of me and to say No to them. They guilt trip me. When do you consider someone as actually being selfish when they say no? Is it when they have alternate motives? Please share. This is so new to me
“The only way a group can function is when everyone acts individually” I don’t remember who said that, but it’s quite relatable to what you said in regards to everyone being responsible for their emotion to work out.
I was thinking about going to therapy again. This video is so helpful with wholesome tips and the pretty aesthetics have made me feel lighter for such an important topic. I really needed this. Bless you.
I love Lavendaire. Her channel has helped me so much. She inspired me to start my own channel and I would apprieciate any support on it❤️Also, I think it’s the most deserved one million💕
I needed this so much.. I am having a hard time defining my relationship with a friend. She radiates happiness but some times she is all abt herself her problems nd sometimes even laughing over my problems. She might not be a good advisor but she's a great person to be with . Now I know how I can tell just tell her abt how I feel abt this and that sharing problems is okay but its uss not only you. Thank uh for this video!!
I certainly agree that many of us do need to learn to set boundaries BUT don't forget the joy of giving in your efforts to do so. It is still important to help others when you can, as long as this is not taken for granted. If you never do put yourself out for others, there will be no one to help you in your time of need, and sometimes it just feels good to help. I know the vid is wider than this, but still, you won't feel good about yourself if you never give either.
I don't have emojis, but Both Hands Up! A neighbor was literally running after me, and also OPENED MY BAG without my permission.. Arrgh!! When I told her it bothered me, she laughed.. Worst part was, it took me 3.5 years till I said I just had it, and I was angry at myself for letting her (and many others) step all over me. Now it's 7 years since I met her, and am JUST BEGINNING on my journey to set boundaries. Really needed this video. Thank you.
Aileen you've been putting up content on exactly things I've been dealing with these days. Thank you so much for all the great things you do and for affecting change in people's lives. All the love from India♥
Great video. I struggle with this as well, all my life. Its stressful. My life has gone and passed bcuz of this. Its too late for me. Hope the younger people can make changes
You're such an inspiration to me.. You're an amazing.. This is also one of the inspiring contants Thankyou for your hard work for us.. You're role model to me who inspires me to create my own UA-cam channel thankyou so much.. Much much love💕
This was the most perfect timing ever!! Every single word you said was something that I felt and that I struggled with for years and I was just wondering how to finally get out of that thinking pattern as I saw your video! Thank you so much, your content helps me a lot!😘
How can you say that everyone else is doing the best for themselves? No one knows that, plus, sometimes it is a good thing to do what is best for others as well, including yourself. So even though I agree with many things you say it is still important to think of others. A balance.
Had an opportunity for it just now with a partner in class for college. They wanted me to send them some of my work so they could get started on their own. It’s a big project and I wasn’t comfortable with it. I told them I’m not completely comfortable with it and was pushed to just “help them out”. However, I voted for myself and told them “no, but there’s an example the professor gave us that you can look over”. I felt a moment of peace!
Thank you. Recently I have found myself turning into an angry, hurt confused person. I’m usually loving and calm. It’s due to frustration of not being able to speak up for myself towards a man I have been involved with for a year who does not treat me very well. I find it so hard and worry that I am going to hurt him. I don’t know why as he doesn’t care how I feel. My friend pointed out that when I find myself loosing my calmness due to someone’s behaviour, that I am loosing my true self and it’s time to get out.
🙋 thanks a lot for this beautiful video ! I'll be more careful with that topic from now on! ☺️ I didn't make myself priority and I ended up being sad and overwhelmed all the time . Now I see what I did wrong
✨ Ready to transform your life in 2025? ✨ The Artist of Life Workbook is your personal guide to setting goals, finding clarity, and creating the life you want. Start your journey here: lavendaire.com/workbook 🌟
*Saying NO is saying YES to yourself ♡ saying NO is healthy, is respecting yourself and putting your best interests first. You are not being selfish or rude, you are loving yourself!!!!*
Erika you honestly made up a quote! 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔 🙏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 😇
@@honk8683 aaaw I'm sending you lots of love Mannat!!!! 🤩❤
Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others!
@@ShanqKoo yes, absolutely !!! ❤💕 much love
Thank you erika ❤
Every time I’ve set boundaries with a “friend” I lost a “friend” but looking back they weren’t real friends anyways
I want to do that so bad but I can't 😔 Even if I'm not gonna lose them, the idea that they'll change their thinking about me freaks me out. So jealous of you!
@@aysu9356 I still think like that to some extent because I’m still a people pleaser (even though I’m trying hard to unlearn the fawn response). But there’s only so much I can take before I’m at my breaking point. When I tried to set boundaries I think it was too late into the friendship. So they were probably thinking, “Who is this new person who all of a sudden has boundaries? You’re not my doormat anymore??” And then they left because they realized they couldn’t use me anymore. But now I’m working on setting boundaries at the beginning of friendships so I don’t end up getting close to toxic people
@@Jade-wb6fd omg exactly!! The part where you said “who is this new person that has boundaries now? They’re not my doormat anymore??” I felt this so much!! I remember finally sticking up for myself from my “friend” and she actually got angry. Lol. It’s funny now but when it happened I didn’t feel good. It was like a joke to her. She was thinking like “who does she think she is?!?” Because she wasn’t used to it. That wasn’t my personality or character. But over time I had to learn. I learned the hard way but I still learned. Sometimes it’s tough but I’m MUCH better than I was in the past few years.
@@takemypainaway9517 Yeah my “friend” got angry too when I finally stood up for myself. Yeah that’s exactly why she was angry because she wasn’t used to me standing up for myself. At the time I didn’t understand why she was so angry at me as if I was the one that did something wrong. But now I understand that it was because she knew she couldn’t get her way with me anymore. I had to learn the hard way too but I think I needed to at the time. Yeah it is tough but that’s great that you’re feeling much better now! I’m happy for you!
Yeah I've actually discovered that I've always had one sided relationships with my friends and I'm constantly giving to other people but I don't recieve anything back and tha led me to feel extremely burned out and fatigued. Any advice on how to let go and set boundaries?
This should be taught in school honestly.
I know right? Our lives would be much easier if we had learned this on a very early age.
I agree.
Can't do that with different views and stuff; for example, if I have Faith in God, I can't talk about it at work, because of non-believers and because of their views I can't talk about it because it is considered a "conflict starter" and even in schools... also you are forced to just not voice your opinions because of different people's views. That's everywhere; so it's hard not to be a people pleaser when you can get kicked out of school for it possibly.
@@littleone3357 how is talking bout god a conflict starter why would people think that
school itself is the problem. it teaches us to deny how we are feeling and just sit in class and listen to the teacher.
I'm an empath, and it feels overwhelming to set boundaries. I am so used to prioritizing others, but it depletes my energy. I'm working to be more assertive, because it is self-care to have healthy boundaries.
So you know right if that very exhausting?
I'm serious you must stop or later you will destroy yourself. Your mental health
Right
Keep on sharing!! They should teach that in schools, and churches!!
There’s inner boundaries and Outter Boundaries if you exude confidence as Empath Narcissistic people stay nah try to come out you sideways but they’ll think twice to cross you because when your in your power and empowerment as an Empath it’s truly admirable, either people wil love you or hate you
Boundaries is not about being rude, it's about acknowledging that your wellbeing comes first in your priority list.
When you feel good, everything around you will be affected in a positive way.
so true 🙏🏼
Amen so true
You're right, except narcisists will envy you more and attack you. I don't know about you guys, but I sometimes have to "hide" my true self and happiness to not affect negative people around me and "trick" them I am at the same level.
I have to learn more how to stop feeling guilty about myself being self-confident and feeling good in my own shoes and don't care about other people who didn't work on themselves more efficiently.
Most folks who always take have garbage priorities most just take and run
Thanks. It's not easy to unlearn the guilt I feel when I don't people please
Living in an African household, every time I say no, my parents and sister would always say I’m being rude or disrespectful. Currently unlearning this
I'm not sure what that's like as I'm more from an individualized culture
I'm from an Asian household and my family would shame me for setting my boundaries and joke around abt it. Been trying to communicate with them for awhile but it always ends the same regardless. I feel your pain
Same here dear
yess
That's the problem with society. We are "trained" and brainwashed into thinking we have to be nice and make others happy instead of ourselves. Most of our parents tell us it is not acceptable to say no or argue and to just agree with everything. When really the other person just cares about their needs and not yours. That's where boundaries come in.
Everyone repeat after me: boundaries protect relationships
BOUNDARIES. PROTECT. RELATIONSHIPS.
Boundaries protect relationships!
Boundries protect relationships!
Boundaries Protect Relationships!!!
Boundaries protect relationships and brings respect.❤️
True... very true 🙏
I'm not responsible for other people's feelings.
I also learn to not let other people's problem become my problem.
I love this video!
“Say no with grace and gratitude” This advice was really awesome.
Or just say no. Either is good. 🤷😁
Correct
Yuppppp
People wonder why I am SO big on setting boundaries. You know why? Because past experiences with being a push over and being abused has made me realize that boundaries ARE important. I was tired of being pushed around. I was tired of abuse. Ever since I have laid out boundaries, everything has been bliss for me.
Whenever i try to set a boundary the other person either acts like i'm joking and doesn't take me seriously or they don't respect it at all... How can i be better at setting boundries?
@Minfires I would say keep insisting on the boundaries to make it clear that you are actually serious. That's happened to ne as well because I haven't been setting consistent boundaries before. Just keep at it! Wish you the best 😊
@@minfires7572 Well, if those people don't respect that and took it as a joke, maybe it's time for you to leave those people. They are toxic to your growth. And that's how you set boundary.
How?
"You're trying to shield everyone else from pain when you are the one hurting".....🙌❤
💯💯💯💯
Had to pause the video for a second to let that one sink in!
How does the other person know your pain? Your pain is no concern to anyone but you and you need to protect your enegry from being redirected in a negative way
My childhood role from the age of 5 and on was the peace keeper. I had violent and abusive siblings, a hysterical, rage ful and distrustful alcoholic mother and an aloof, distant and passive aggressive father. Between play I was the one giving up my toys, treats and privileges to end the violent conflicts between siblings and parents. I became addicted to food at age ten and gaining affection and approval from every friend and stranger in my world became my greatest desire. Only now at 31 am I beginning to believe I am worthy of protection and self respect and starting to make progress in identifying and enforcing my personal boundaries. It’s extremely difficult.
Boundaries are so important! Instead of thinking saying "no" is mean and selfish, we can think that if we agree to something we don't want to do - we're actually being "fake" and trying to trick others into liking us. And THAT is selfish.
Woow I love this
Yes! Helpful
Growing up in Japan, pleasing people is something that determines if you are grown-up or not. And it took so much time for me to realize that pleasing people is not what I wanted in my life. Thank you so much for such a inspiring video 😍😍😍
I know right!
Just a slight caveat about the “other people’s feelings are not your responsibility”. I think some very blunt people do use this as an excuse to say things that they want to get off their chest though they know they’re hurtful and tactless. I think the key and compassionate balance is to speak honestly, but with the intention of being kind and considerate of people’s feelings. That way, if someone does react badly it was not your intention, but you don’t have to feel guilty. I just think we actually do have SOME responsibility to be careful with the feelings of others; but our greatest responsibility is to ourself - you’re right 🌸 It’s just I’ve heard this reasoning misused before!! X
tru
Yes I agree, I Don’t want to hurt anyone intentionally so I want to learn to express my boundaries in a healthy and safe way. And also kind way so to not hurt the other person.
SaintOrCinema That's exactly right and I want to add that it's necessary to be extremely rude and even to hurt people sometimes though. I've had traumatic experiences with some who got very angry when I wouldn't do what they wanted, so certain individuals won't accept boundaries, no matter how respectfully it's conveyed. As you'd know, it's a sign to stay away from those types of people, yet it's not always possible, especially in regard to family members. ❤
@@cyndigooch1162 yess.. the old adage of THEY ARE YOUR FAMILY.. for the last couple of years, I've been trying to implementing my boundaries towards few family members n i got this pushback.
@@cyndigooch1162 what i'm currently dealing with :( My younger sisters don't respect my boundaries at all. They're either immature or selfish and I'm so exaushted from always expressing my feelings and then them saying I'm just being sensitve. It's so hard to distance myself from them because i live with them and I will always have to deal with them because they're my family
I am the one who is always trying to find the balance of giving time to each of my friends and specially when they are not in good terms with each other and I am just doing stuff to make everyone happy and come together and it's so exhausting. I am so so so done!!
I feel like this was speaking directly to me. I grew up with a mentally unhealthy parent which made me always feel responsible for other people’s feelings and that if they were unhappy it was because of me. Boundaries are a new thing I’m working on but I’ve realized just how much of myself I’ve let go or not allowed to grow because I was using my energy on others. Thank you for this message!
How are u right now? Did u find the tool? Because this is very relatable to me
How did u fix that is there books for slefgrowth and health in dealing from this since ages and I have to work on it or else I'm gona explode
Same boat! Any tips on how you’ve worked on this, this past year?
💯💯💯 hope you’re doing better, Kathryn!
How r u now Kathryn?
“It is okay to say no without any reason”. This quote really resonated with me because a few weeks ago, I backed out of doing something solely for the reasons of I was tired and didn’t feel like doing it in that moment. Afterwards, I felt so lazy and guilty because I didn’t have a “good enough” reason. This line helped me see that I did have a good enough reason, so thank you. ❤️
Except, how do you actually conduct the conversation? It rarely is as simples as saying 'no thank you" and then they say , "ok, no problem "and that is that.
When we feel secured in ourselves, then the acceptance of people of us, won’t matter. Friends, you’re enough❤️
Absolutely, you speak so much wisdom and I love your channel Christa💕
Elizabeth Lucy Such an amazing human being you’re. Lots of love💕
It's so true right?
I agree with this. When we are secure and have self-love, we don't need validation or acceptance from others. But, I can tell you from my own experience that this is not easy especially if you have had a very toxic childhood or complete toxic life. I undervalued myself my whole life but this year, I understood the importance of setting up personal boundaries. You can check my UA-cam channel- *Revamp Mind* where I post videos on self-help, career, and other interesting topics, or check on the link to watch my video on setting up personal boundries- *ua-cam.com/video/6ZK9ELqM6u0/v-deo.html*
Love this thank you! Currently learning boundaries and self love.
An aspect of this that wasn’t mentioned is that, your circle is going to start getting smaller when you start setting and enforcing real boundaries. People will start dropping out of your life and that’s going to feel bad at first. It’s going to get a little lonely. People that don’t respect boundaries might just stop being so present with you. So be prepared for that. People will guilt trip you, insult you, attack your personhood etc. when they hear the word “No” and they may just disappear. Look at it as a chance to open up your life and your world into the direction you want to go in and free up space for healthier relationships.
I am fairly "selfish" in that I know my own boundaries well, and over the years I have become very willing to say no, HOWEVER, being a highly empathetic person, I definitely needed the note about "you are not responsible for other peoples feelings". I AM acting the people around me cannot handle their own emotions and "harmony at all costs" generally comes with me holding my tongue, so thank you 💖
something worth mentioning(even tho is "obvious") is - learning to walk away when someone does not respect our boundries.
people pleasers might be able to learn how to say no(i did),but the next step is leaving when someone crosses our bondries once/twice and thats it.
So much needed! Honestly, I know I have this need of pleasing people, but it's still so hard for me to deal with that. At least good to know I'm not alone in this :)
I had a friend who used me for errands. She didn't drive but lived a block down from the stores. I would sit in my car for at least 25 minutes and boy did I feel used. I finally told her to take care of her own errands for now on or get up earlier. She got mad so I dumped her. This is the sign of a toxic friend. I felt good I told her how I felt and dropped her.
"Always do the best for yourself.. Everyone else are doing the best for themselves."
This is so true.. I just realised it now. Thank you Aileen for this video.. you always post videos on right time.
Oh my god now I understand I’m trying to start saying no ofc people is not used to it from me but I so happy that I’m stopping pleasing others
🙋♀️ Wasted time and energy on it and now learning to say "no", Learning to put myself my first priority 💕💕
this is my biggest problem...
to the point theres nothing left to my self... that I learned in a hard way that I should learn to take care first myself before anyone else ...
This is an excellent video! I have placed solid boundaries with toxic family members and they don’t understand and say negative things. Now I don’t get upset I just move on and do the best I can for those around me
"You are trying to shield everybody else from pain, when you are the one hurting." I felt that one very hard and i look forward to watch your advice video for people pleasers right after i finished this one. And later on i will write those points into my notebook. I have to remember it all and reread and rewatch this too
Is it just me or do you guys also think she glows up more in each video? 🤯♥️
The November Soul aww ty, working on a continuous glow up ✨✨
For me no
I only beginning this in my 40s 🤦🏼♀️ but wow what a breath of fresh air
i'm so proud of you ♡
I so needed to hear this. I'm always so afraid to hurt other people's feelings because in the past I have unintentionally. And sometimes people retaliate, or i'm afraid they're going to abandon me. Or because people just can't accept/respect no as an answer so I have to explain myself because they're asking why.
I’ve not only lost my ex boyfriend but one of my friend’s too whom I thought was more self-aware of their actions. They both began an emotional affair that led to them constantly hanging out, texting 24/7 and my boyfriend putting her needs before mine. I allowed this to happen…I didn’t stand up for myself and when I tried it was met with blaming me for whatever reason.
I finally decided to stand up for myself and say this is NOT OK because it feels as though they were cheating and taking advantage of my acceptance of the situation when in actual fact I shut down and became depressed..eventually I sought therapy because I felt as though I was invisible and essentially the 3rd wheel even though it was my boyfriend and good friend…anyway I have since received the courage to stand up for ME which ended up losing both of them as important figures in my life. It’s heartbreaking but something that needed to be done.
I have slowly started to learn that I am not accepting of these situations and boundaries do need to be set when it comes to future boyfriends “girl friends” as I am not comfortable with feeling like the 3rd wheel.
Name that girl in the yellow 😂
also, do you guys like more info in the description like this? do you even open the description box usually?
I do because sometimes there's some interesting and well worth info there! Smiled so hard at the stalker outside the window because that's how I am in my head....sometimes 😂😅
I like it!♥️
Shes your arch nemesis 🤣
I love having the detailed timestamps and descriptions, sometimes I like to take notes on your videos and having the “subjects” listed helps ☺️
I like the level of detail you give in the description box.
I'm a lone wolf now from seeing the damage caused by NOT setting boundaries. Now I have a group of people who are awesome. Out with the trash in with the new.
I sacrificed my inner peace and joy for others but now I am practicing to set boundaries..and I am feeling happy inside and outside..and thank you so much Aileen for helping me in this journey.
I am an Emphatic person. Thanx for most of the information about setting boundaries. It was quite helpful. My comment may not alter your thinking process but I should say this, not all yu said were correct. You are a human being. If yu start prioritising yourself only, you are called mean, selfish, insane person. We should know our value, yes and others as well. Being too afraid of hurting others may not be the right thing but that’s the call of yur human inside. Being honest, straightforward is great. Situations defines all.
If I be straightforward person, I should say this, “You are the college cheerleader mean girl who has a face, thinks she deserves the best, a spoiled girl who is going to marry a high value man and will demand freedom of her own, do whatever she wants and eventually destroying her marriage or, marry a rich person do whatever she wants and after one point of time will get to know she is not she anymore.” Do not waste your time. The thinking process yu entirely have is toxic.
Her acting skill yay 🤣💗 sooo cuteee
She's so adorable UwU 💕
Mask girl needs to be a reoccurring character
This is the video right here. I have been overcoming being a people pleaser over the last year and have made so many breakthroughs and discoveries. Saying no was so difficult for me because I was afraid of making others angry. OMG! It feels so much better to take care of myself, communicate my needs and honor what's best for me. Thank you 💞
"...managing the perception of others and taking more responsibility than is actually ours. So we've been abandoning ourself to make sure other people are okay" WOW. That's so very true!!! It's so important to know how/when to prioritize your self love and that it's OKAY to put yourself first. You deserve it!!! So so soooo important 👏👏👏
Thank you for pointing this out. I'm glad to find your video. I'm 30 years old, and I realized that I have been a people pleaser all my life because I do not want to disappoint my family, my co-workers, etc. Now, I want to focus on self-love and taking care of myself since I have deprive myself of such for a long time.
May we all set healthy boundaries and put our wellbeing first! ✨
took me so long to realize i was doing this, mostly bc the people in my life just straight up wouldnt let me believe it was what was going on because it wasnt convenient for them
Literally reading Rising Strong right now. This video couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.
I’ve been having a hard time with a friend recently, and I didn’t know If i should express and communicate with her or not, but this video definitely gave me the answer. tysmmm!!
Hi Aileen - This is certainly a topic that is relevant and important to everyone. Boundaries are a good thing! It is essential if not critical for our health and wellbeing as well as when it comes to our relationships with others. You can't give from an empty cup - we need to look after ourselves in order to serve our purpose and help others :-) Be true and honest with yourself, don't play to an ideal, take time to find out what are the right boundaries you need to set for yourself
Thanks for sharing - adding great value as always x
💖
You are so right ,I'm not people pleasing ever again 🎉
wow! that's amazing ♡
saying NO to those who spread their toxic energy spoiling our peace is always the best thing to do for your own goodness....
Thank you so much very very good message..Aileen❤👍
The problem is people create pushovers and people pleasers, the moment you defend yourself they say you're a trouble maker, conflictive, peace breaker, party pooper, they say you're overreacting, you're emotional, you're gonna cry, and the list goes on and on...
Great advice. I’m in my 30s and I’m
still learning. This kind of subject matter was never brought up when I was younger. I’m glad we’re getting away from the mentality that women should put everyone before themselves. So important to put yourself first and not let others drag you down 🙂
So helpful! I have a very hard time with saying the scary word," NO". This taught me that it is okay to say no and it is safe to say it without giving reason to it.
It's because growing up we are taught that it is unacceptable to express our needs and wants. If you said no or argued or expressed your opinions you were punished. Making it seem like it's bad for you to put yourself before others.
I'm a language leaner, so i was really happy to find ur vid, it helped me a lot.
*Need to do this with certain friends, family, and bosses.* 🔥
yesss!
Same this was super helpful!
@@kaylea573 I'm glad you can agree! Let's set those boundaries now.
@@InnerResearcher we can start today!
same i need to say no to everyone and not allow the world too take advantage,!!!”. of me i want the world to no i’m a amazing 😉 adult with a disability but that don’t stop me i will keep on going. in i will not ever allow people to step all over me i have to set boundaries with everyone
I used to be a people pleaser, i found when i started speaking up to people. they were taken aback, mad and offended. Only because they were used to me being a pushover.
Yup
I really kove to watch every vids of her cause her lines are so deep and so easily understandable, it also helps me to improve my talking. She is a great motivational.💕
Her lines have so many inspirational quotes.
"If you don't decide for yourself, other people will decide for you."
"Stop trying to make everything okay cause things can't always go okay, you can't be okay with everything, people can't be okay with everybody, everything and you have to be okay with that."
"Say no what doesn't serve you."
This video is very hard to even press for me much more watching it. Nobody taught me to do this things I just realized that I taught myself. So its very emotional for me because of the damage that has brought throughout my life.
Finally Goddess reached 1 million. I love you girl.
I don't know how I got here, but thank you so much. I needed this. ❤️
I just had some self reflection and realized I need to set up boundaries bc I’m a giver and ppl take so much. Def happy to see this video on my feed. ☺️
OMG I was a people pleaser for sooo long... but once I rid myself of this 'obligation' my life totally changed!
This was the exact video I needed, after realizing about me wanting to please people and not be who I was. I literally just texted with one of my closest friends about "Okay, I think it's time to set some boundaries..." Because I know exactly what I was doing, I just thought I was doing what was right for me. I took a reality check and turned out that I was just hurting myself and burying myself deeper into my shell. Thank you so much!! ♥
‘Everyone is doing what’s best for them If your doing what is best for everyone else, no one is going to look after you’ well said ❤❤❤
Indonesian, Spanish, Portuguese, Vietnamese & Chinese subtitles are available! Click "CC" and check the video settings. Thank you to the contributors listed in the description 💕
Great vid! I would like to learn more about what to do when ppl is not understanding and attack you when you set a healthy boundary in a respectful way😢
Thank you for this video. The best thing I ever did was set healthy boundaries, I got a lot more respect and the people who got angry about with me for doing so left and my life became more peaceful. It was hard but I have better friends and relationships now. Sending love your way
So true, people are self-serving and seem more comfortable and inclined to be pleased with you when you're not asserting your own boundaries but their world ends and you are considered everything short of the devil himself when you do. They will fight tooth and nail to make you acknowledge their standards of doing things yet will blatantly disregard yours and will justify themselves at every turn
I seriously don’t know how this happened but since the last week i have been having such of these problems, i have never needed this much , thank you girl keep going ♥️♥️✨
It took me a while to realize that people actually respect meaner people , I don’t have any “ real” friends at all so I thought with being kind I’d have more but no,being kind is considered either naive or fake .
Having been raised by multiple narcissists and catering to them all my life, it feels so selfish to take care of me and to say No to them. They guilt trip me. When do you consider someone as actually being selfish when they say no? Is it when they have alternate motives? Please share. This is so new to me
“The only way a group can function is when everyone acts individually” I don’t remember who said that, but it’s quite relatable to what you said in regards to everyone being responsible for their emotion to work out.
💕Setting healthy boundaries is so key to your mental health💕
💯💯💯
I was thinking about going to therapy again. This video is so helpful with wholesome tips and the pretty aesthetics have made me feel lighter for such an important topic. I really needed this. Bless you.
I love Lavendaire. Her channel has helped me so much. She inspired me to start my own channel and I would apprieciate any support on it❤️Also, I think it’s the most deserved one million💕
And sometimes do not be kind in it. Be firm and stand your ground yeah maybe that means not saying it with a smile on your face.
I needed this so much..
I am having a hard time defining my relationship with a friend. She radiates happiness but some times she is all abt herself her problems nd sometimes even laughing over my problems. She might not be a good advisor but she's a great person to be with .
Now I know how I can tell just tell her abt how I feel abt this and that sharing problems is okay but its uss not only you.
Thank uh for this video!!
I certainly agree that many of us do need to learn to set boundaries BUT don't forget the joy of giving in your efforts to do so. It is still important to help others when you can, as long as this is not taken for granted. If you never do put yourself out for others, there will be no one to help you in your time of need, and sometimes it just feels good to help. I know the vid is wider than this, but still, you won't feel good about yourself if you never give either.
🙋♀️ The callout is real. Thank you for everything Aileen!
yesss!
I don't have emojis, but Both Hands Up!
A neighbor was literally running after me, and also OPENED MY BAG without my permission.. Arrgh!! When I told her it bothered me, she laughed.. Worst part was, it took me 3.5 years till I said I just had it, and I was angry at myself for letting her (and many others) step all over me. Now it's 7 years since I met her, and am JUST BEGINNING on my journey to set boundaries.
Really needed this video. Thank you.
✨ Create your best year with the 2023 Artist of Life Workbook, a powerful guided journal for achieving your dream life → lavendaire.com/workbook
Thank you that helped me to be aware of myself and start practicing to respect and love myself more by setting my boundaries .
Aileen you've been putting up content on exactly things I've been dealing with these days. Thank you so much for all the great things you do and for affecting change in people's lives. All the love from India♥
Yes, I feel the same way! Her content recently has been so spot on with what I've needed too!
Yay I’m happy to hear that 🙏🏼
I can't believe I haven't seen this video until now😔😔😔
Thanx isn't enough for u Aileen💙💙💙💙💙💙
Great video. I struggle with this as well, all my life. Its stressful. My life has gone and passed bcuz of this. Its too late for me. Hope the younger people can make changes
Still can, dude
Saying no with grace and gratitude
By saying No to the things we don't want, We say Yes for the things we Want ♥️
This is perfect for what I am dealing with currently. Thank you
You're such an inspiration to me.. You're an amazing.. This is also one of the inspiring contants Thankyou for your hard work for us.. You're role model to me who inspires me to create my own UA-cam channel thankyou so much.. Much much love💕
Yes she is an inspiration to me as well.. And also your contants are good.. Keep working. ❤️
I too me aileen's big fan but i go through your channel and you too is doing pretty well keep going.. Your new subscriber.. Much love and support ❣️😘😍
@@adityarai3404 thankyou so much keep supporting
@@cheeryblossom878 thankyou so much.. Well she is my rola model ♥️
She is doing really well but you too is doing well keep her as your Rola model.. you're also doing well.. you're new subscriber..lots of love.
People take advantage of your good heart and just want to take. Making you feel used, time to set healthy boundaries ❤
Your hair style in this video is so beautiful, it frames your face so nice 💖!
ioana o. Better than bangs
This was the most perfect timing ever!! Every single word you said was something that I felt and that I struggled with for years and I was just wondering how to finally get out of that thinking pattern as I saw your video! Thank you so much, your content helps me a lot!😘
7:55 is a great short ❤❤❤
This was so creative. Loved it! I needed to hear this.
How can you say that everyone else is doing the best for themselves? No one knows that, plus, sometimes it is a good thing to do what is best for others as well, including yourself. So even though I agree with many things you say it is still important to think of others. A balance.
Had an opportunity for it just now with a partner in class for college. They wanted me to send them some of my work so they could get started on their own. It’s a big project and I wasn’t comfortable with it. I told them I’m not completely comfortable with it and was pushed to just “help them out”. However, I voted for myself and told them “no, but there’s an example the professor gave us that you can look over”. I felt a moment of peace!
Omg! Congrats on a million! I’ve been here since around 60k. The music is giving me Parasite vibes. I 👀 you.
I just watched it before making this & didn’t realize! I liked it bc it sounds so sneaky and funny haha
Thank you. Recently I have found myself turning into an angry, hurt confused person. I’m usually loving and calm. It’s due to frustration of not being able to speak up for myself towards a man I have been involved with for a year who does not treat me very well. I find it so hard and worry that I am going to hurt him. I don’t know why as he doesn’t care how I feel. My friend pointed out that when I find myself loosing my calmness due to someone’s behaviour, that I am loosing my true self and it’s time to get out.
🙋 thanks a lot for this beautiful video ! I'll be more careful with that topic from now on! ☺️ I didn't make myself priority and I ended up being sad and overwhelmed all the time . Now I see what I did wrong