I thought nice people don't seem very liked because they are perceived as "always available" or "not gonna leave" or they are sometimes perceived as weak, so people subconsciously don't give them too much value.
+Xeno That is the common perception but it's only accurate when dealing with someone who has a neurotic motivation for being nice towards you. People with the same sort of anxieties as the ones mentioned in the video. A nice person without those problems may stick around longer than other people because they understand the resistance but ultimately will leave and become unavailable if their treatment of you is not reciprocated.That's what my own observations and my experience having been the neurotic type in the past tell me at least.
+Xeno I agree. Though, I do believe it goes deeper than simply valuing interesting people over kind people. Being kind is actively easy. No arguments, no enemies, no issues.. Someone who is nice to everyone is probably lacking a backbone, causing them to suffer internally, making it terrifying for them to defend themselves. They dread conflict, and will do almost anything to get out of dealing with it. Those who don't have an issue with conflict are typically people who learn to be genuinely honest. Nice people aren't just nice. They live a lie. They are prisoners who pretend to be happy about it.
@luca fresh The reason most Americans are nice and people are nice is because they are not insecure about themselves and happy with their lives and themselves unlike mean people who are insecure about themselves unhappy with themselves and their life and mentally unstable
Exactly. Society treats nice people like crap and then they go out and complain about why people are so mean and abusive to them. People are more stupid than i thought sadly. Im not trying to be mean but people dont know how to use their brains.
Nobody cross an asshole. So they go there whole lives thinking people like them when reality is they all hate them, but don't want to be a target. People are assholes to nice people, and assholes to mean people behind there back. So basically everyone is a bit of an asshole
or they aren't actually stupid 'cause some of them are just traumatized in childhood that some adults tell them it's not okay to stand up for themselves,and as a kid,that's how they believe what being nice is,i cannot tell that they are stupid because not al of them are taught to love themselves in childhood especially if they grew up in childhood where they stand up for themselves when bullied,and an adult victim-blames them for for doing it @@jRex918
@@jRex918 and it's a childhood trauma that needs to be repaired before learning to stand up for themselves.Cuz I believe I read in my gut,some of the nice people aren't actually foolish,they are wounded children of their past trapped in an adult body
I agree with you and I think that the video is hinting at that by saying "We accept the love we think we deserve." If we have a healthy amount of self-respect and love for ourselves we will not be entirely put off by a person who likes us and is nice for the right reasons. If you or me are the nice person with a healthy view of ourselves and we are pursuing someone who treats us like crap then their perception of us will not match up with our perception of ourselves. What I'm basically saying is our validation and self-confidence will not come from wanting those people to like us, it will come from thinking that we do not deserve to be treated like shit. Now let me be clear. When I say we must have a healthy view of ourselves I am not referencing narcissim.
I disagree. How can the capacity to love another being be built in solitude? You have to be loved, be it by friends, family or strangers on the internet, before you can love others.
Assyrian I don't see the disagreement. To love is to build nourish and cherish. If you don't nourish and cherish yourself, then how could you ever nourish and cherish the other... You seem to be saying that you first need to be nourished and cherished yourself, and that's not what I'm denying.
Hooga So you don't cherish and nourish yourself then? It seems on your definition to be loved (or worthy of love) one needs to be perfect. And I wouldn't say that. As I said to love is to nourish and cherish, if you're perfect you don't need to be nourished and cherished.
+Hooga Why don't you agree? I'm on the same boat as the flying dutchman. The reason why I think that one has to love oneself before one can love another is because in my definition love is wanting and giving the best for the object of your affection. If it is hard for you to want the best for yourself, as in: you relate to yourself in a negative way, then it will be very hard to give the best to people around you. But if you love yourself, only then can you truly love another. Within this definition I do truly love myself, and I am definitely no narcissist. I think the video showed that if you don't love yourself, you don't think/feel you are worthy of the love of others. If you don't feel worthy of their love, you push them away. And pushing away the ones who love you, is the opposite of loving others. So you have to love yourself, to love others in my view.
Remember this when dating or making friends. A lot of people have really low self esteem. Thus they make choices based on fear and power. It's not your fault they can't be genuine. The more you recognize games the easier it is to move on in peace.
I absolutely dispise game playing. It’s stupid, indirect and purposefully misleading. If you want to test something, test it out in an actual situation not in a purposefully confusing test. Why do we have to deal with games? Why can’t we just have some damn communication? Who started this moronic practice to begin with?
Just a message from one nice person to my fellow nice people: I've lost a few relationships in my teens and early 20s because I was too clingy and too caring. I've always been the "nice guy". After those adolescent and immature relationships, I'm happily married and exactly where I want to be without compromising my positive personality. Don't worry, nice people. Be yourself and you'll find the right person. Keep being nice.
I never liked bad boys, they are a waste of my time and energy. I prefer to be respected and to exist in respectful relationships. It's overall, much healthier and happier.
Sometimes those who are believed nice, they are actually bad, but those belied being bad are nice May be thats why, people are attracted those who are bad, because they are that bad that they show but. Good people you don't know how they can get.
"We accept the love we think we deserve" that is why I picked a girl who treated me like trash and she picked a guy over me who treated her like trash, it is easy to say "well don't" but it is harder in practice it is just how broken we usually are, I guess giving up was the right choice :)
+HotSkull "chemistry" is part of it. And sometimes, we weigh the positives and negatives and still like someone because there are more positives than negatives. Sometimes a somewhat flawed person who has come to like and trust you is more interesting than a person who seems to have no faults. Personally, this is the case with my favorite riding horse, and a friends little dog. Both are quirky. Both took a long time to trust me, and I love both more than similar critters who are flawless and always nice.
This speaks to me on higher levels. When i was super depressed, low self-esteem and hated myself this guy was always there for me and he had a crush on me. However all i seemed to do was be mean to him and push him away. Now that i have overcome my depression and have abundant self love, i can see how he is a good person and how he only wants the best for me and he's still in my life even after i treated him like shit.. I am very thankful for having him and super thankful for having such patience with me
I was the "nice guy" to a girl I met online, we met for coffee and she repeatedly bailed out or turned down offers to meet again, despite claiming she was interested. Pretty much I asked a third or fourth time if she wanted to see a movie we previously both said we wanted to see. When she said she had already planned to see it with her sister, that was it. Clearly she wasn't interested, and she wasn't nice enough to step up and face the awkwardness of admitting it to me. I'd rather be turned down then led on. I wasn't a dick or anything, I just responded with "Okay, I understand" and never replied again, and she never replied back. Since then I just try to be more myself, and avoid trying to be polite and "just be". This hasn't worked out any better, but I think it's more inline to just how socially retarded I am. The whole idea of dating and how it goes down is weird to me, I don't really get it. All these sites suggesting to "wait before calling, wait before this or not, pretend to be..." Why not just be you. I don't get this whole advise of appearing disinterested or trying to get a guy to "chase you". Fuck that, I'm not a rapist, I'm not chasing a woman who appears disinterested.
I understand you, you seem to be me maybe about 2 years back, on the right track, but also "hungry" for dates. What I figured out is don't rush dates, just hang out with both genders, this does not only let you have in insight of how certain girls behave and better understand in dates, but it also means you might just make a friend you later ask out, there is no shame in that in fact most the relationship from my friends started from an initial friendship. It also helps acting like yourself around girls, which sounds stupid to some, but does for example help having weird expectations for dates or just feels less nerves. I also believe that the stuff online is really missing the point of dating or looking for a relationship. I'd say Dating is about finding a cool person you can be open to more than anyone else and do anything with. I figured such a bond builds up much easier if you're friends first and especially in today s society "strangers" are mistrusted more than ever imo.
ZarrocLP The only women I talked to were through a dating site I stopped using after my subscription ran out. I don't have any friends, literally zero friends, and would be find for this if not for how much it limits my chances at meeting women. Which is something I find baffling. That I want to be able to date and have a romantic relationship, but don't car for having friends. Not to sound arrogant, but I have had female co-workers who seem interested in me. But there is a lot of fear of initiating anything like that in a work environment.
xinic5 I gotta be honest I have no clue how to best improve help on what you are trying to achieve. But I defiantly wish the best of luck and would recommend you to socialize a bit more, maybe ask a 2-3 people to go to a bar. Take care man ;)
ZarrocLP lol no problem. Thought I don't "get" the point of bars and clubs. Or most social gatherings really. I do go to group meetups from "Meetup.com" on occasion, and with reminders by my psychologist as to why I should care to go to them.
I have a nice guy myself, I will never regret having fell for him. He's kind, generous and caring, and loves me exactly the way I like. Lot of girls thought he was too nice for a boyfriend, their lose. As a real woman I knew a real man, and I wasn't letting go.
I used to be nice, I used to like being nice, but it doesn’t matter how nice you are if you are not strong. Only strong people can be nice, only strong people can tale the hits and still smile. That being said, I need to be stronger
@@schoo9256 YES THIS ONE setting strong boundaries is what it is and NOT getting stronger in terms of having more understanding and empathy for taking on people's self created drama "pain".
It always scares when someone is nice to me. Especially when making new friends. I start to build a wall around my heart because I'm afraid of failing them.
While I don't know your whole situation, I just want to say, you sure as hell deserve any kindness. If they are being kind to you, they aren't expecting you to be perfect. They will understand if you mess up, or make mistakes. I know there is some reason for you feeling this way, and I sincerely hope you will learn, that people who are being nice to you genuinely want to be nice to you. I don't feel like there is a way to fail them. It's their choice to be kind to you, and understand you, as well as forgiving you. Don't fear of failing them. I know you won't. Best of luck.
Dont be scared of failing nice people, nice people are so used too accepting others as they are and forgiving transgressions or hate against them they often always find the good in people as long as your not directly trying to hurt them there shouldn't be a problem. And might I add your genuineness towards nice people will be felt and they will cherish it. Thanks for reminding me of who I used to be,all the best.
Why do I always talk more then others? I try to be friendly and be considerate but I feel like a creep when I ask too many questions and the person usually doesn't try to talk. It's every single person I talk to. I hate how I am with people.
It is Nothing wrong with asking questions. If they are close friends then they Will not be irritated. But asking a stranger or someone you dont know, too many questions can make People feel uncomfortable. So ask when it is needed and ask the right amount of questions.
Thank you! For years in my friend group I was seen as the nice, shy girl. Just recently a few of my friends pulled some shit with me. They thought they could get away without any repercussions since I never used to call anyone out in fear of hurting someone or being seen as mean. Just now I've learned to stand up for myself, and they now view me as the villain. I've learned that you can be nice and obviously stand up for yourself when needed.
After ten years I've given up on trying to 'be nice'. People aren't worth it. No I'm not talking about being nice only to try to get sex, I mean trying to be kind and caring to everyone I know and follow my feelings. I have no friends, no relationships, no social life, but good riddance all that's gone. Nobody cares, nobody will try to understand you, nobody will bother to put in the effort to appreciate your company and all the effort you put in for other people will just be shrugged away because why would they? unless you're someone they can benefit from, in which case they just take that and go. So where does this leave you? miserably lonely, occasionally coming across a stranger who thinks they care, until they get to know you, then they'll be gone too.
+Blahidontcare11 You are being "nice" in a way that's off-putting, you are probably interacting with them in a way that may come across as needy or fake. Read "Models" by Mark Manson.
+Blahidontcare11 Having relationships with people is very important, because they can offen you help or things that might really help you in life, like job opportunities, a special deal, very interesting topics, hsving worth experiences and they might save your live. Giving up on relationships is not something that anyone should do, because considering the amount of people in this world, there are people who really give a shit about you, and even if you don't see them in a long time, they still remember you.
+assholemon "they might save your live. " I can attest to that. If I hadn't found my first friend and opened myself to them I would have grown more and more bitter deep down and maby even commited suicide sometime in the future.
and by the way.....america has been programmed....good is bad and bad is good.....good is boring and bad is exciting... even at the risk of death...pain and suffering......and then they ask that stupid ass question "why can't i find a nice guy"
And America acts like the nicest country in the world when at the same time fight in many pointless wars and meddle in affairs that are none of our business.
+Jossie Palmer My english is not my first language i learned. Usually i understand english very well but in this video it was like i am watching in chinese.
But that's not always true. Sometimes people reject people that treat them well because they simply don't like the people that treat them well. An uncomfortable truth, but a truth nonetheless. This seems like a pep talk for people that are nice to others and get rejected. "The reason you get rejected is because you're nice to people and that scares them." No, the reason you get rejected is because you have qualities (other than your niceness) that make other people not like you. Maybe you're physically unattractive. Maybe you have an annoying voice. Maybe you're socially awkward. Maybe you smell bad. But generally, the reason that people don't like you is NOT because you're nice.
It is so true. I remembered the great movie Taxi Driver by Martin Scorsese. Remember when Travis ( Robert de Niro ) asks Betsy ( Cybille Shepherd) for a date? She says yes and she is obviously very impressed by him. She even says " I never met someone like you before" in a very tender way. What does he do? He takes her out to a porno movie! Of course she runs away...He does this because he just can't deal with the fact that she may love him. He wants to show her right away how unworthy, dirty,useless he is. Poor guy... Well yes, his case was quite severe, he was traumatised as a soldier. But indeed most of us are disturbed one way or another. That's why I think many people can relate with this quote by Groucho Marx: "I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member". And in case that you are the nice one, be consistent: keep being kind no matter what. But if you are permanently being punished for this, look for somebody else. Time of your life and the sanity of your soul are much more important; if you get too much involved with that sort of people you may lose them both. Love does not cure everybody. ( As always: thank you very much for this lesson. The actors are great too! )
I think I was punished too much for being that nice guy. I almost felt an anger towards me for being it. I saw women end up with the 'bad boys'. I do wonder whether some women see it as a weakness men or perhaps they are through some internal process draw to men don’t want them.
+Imran Nazir Hi Imran.Very sorry to hear that. There is a famous singer in Turkey: Ibrahim Tatlises.He is a really horrible, disgusting, macho type of guy. But he has many female fans... He was famous for beating his wife and in his concerts it wasn't rare to hear some women screaming " Ibrahim beat me too, beat me too".... Well yes, unfortunately there are sick folks like that: both men and women, which is indeed really heart breaking. But I guess there must be also some mentally healthy people who appreciate kindness and consider themselves lucky in case they find it. I hope you meet someone like that. Best wishes.
+Lua Veli That is absolutely *not* the reason why Travis took Betsy to a porn cinema. He just didn't know how to behave with a woman. You probably misunderstood the whole film, and that's a good film.
+shreddedreams a degree in a subject doesn't always indicated an ability to think, than it does an ability to pass exams. Being nice may be seen by weakness buy some women of a certain attitude, culture and age and in others as decency, honesty and humility. It's about how you were raised. FYI in my life I have earned more money than I knew what to do with, rock climbed for quite a few years and myself earned degrees from top tier universities but I choose not to flaunt it because I am a person first, not a commodity, a play thing or a trophy and not because my self worth depends on how 'great' people think I am. That is why I can mix with people of differing backgrounds. The problem came down to looking in the wrong places. There are many people who were raised in a similar way to me and that where one should look.
To be honest, "nice" people can also seems scary if the niceness does not seem to be a reflection of casual benevolence and affection, but of hidden self-esteem issues and clinginess.
+Demian Haki Also if their "nicies" comes from desire to achieve things, a method to gain someones trust and not from true selfless apprecieation of others. Then its scary like in some horror movie: "Come closer I like you I will give you candy." ;)
Sounds like you guys have a lot of self work to do. From the sounds of it, you guys don’t have love and kindness in you. Can’t give what you don’t have. But if you’re okay with that then cool.
These comments are psychologically draining. Lots of loneliness coming through. Lots of anger at other people as well. I am 'used' to the hate in comments, but some of these are really grieving.
+Ghost Panel Yep. The video was telling people to do exactly that. Bet next one will be a guide to suicide. [/sarcasm - because some people need such flags]
+Ghost Panel I understand OPs request to "hold on there", but IMO it should be more like hold on as long as you're able. WHich may not be very long. Everyone has to figure out for themselves how long is too long. In my case, when dealing with a GF who couldn't make up her mind many years ago, I found that number to be two months. Because at that point, I couldn't take it any longer. Every person has to figure out for themselves what their breaking point is, and then move on. Hopefully that point will be no more than a few months, certainly less than a year.
Yes, maybe they just did not know how to handle your niceness. People want what they can't have and when you give them your all sometimes they are rude and forget about you.
Maybe they see something in you that you can't see in yourself. A butterfly cannot see how beautiful they are and don't understand why someone would see them beautiful when they grew up as an ugly caterpillar.
I went through a really harsh phase of depression, being that nice person labelled creepy. Enter my late twenties and decided to simply reject those that second guess me for being "too nice", and focus on people who accept me as I am. Nobody else is worth my time.
My boyfriend when he met me also thought I was "too nice". He was SURE it must be a cover up for something, surely I was lying when I went for dinner with my girls, or slept a weekend at my grandfathers house. Surely I was lying is my phone battery was dead and he couldnt reach me. Someone so 'nice', it was unbelievable to him to just accept what I gave him. He near destroyed me with his paranoia. He invented rules for me to stop me from behavior I wasnt showing. He put me in a straightjacket because I was supposed to help him calm his mind. He wanted to draw out "the truth" by pressuring me, picking fights with me, until I would surrender and say it was all fake. But it wasnt fake. My innocent niceness was trampled on, and I turned sour. Our relationship turned resentful, and I was angry with him deep down for years. I didnt care anymore when he came around and realized what he did in the beginning of our relationship.
I don't think they are insane. It's just people who have been hurt before and unable to recognize the effects it had in themselves. I'm quite confident a lot of people realize their behavior at a stage in life and end in happy relationships despite prior mistakes
Dan Bondarenko Sorry, perhaps I am dense at the moment, but I'm not sure what you mean by that comment. That I don't do anything to change my life, but it will change? Like, not trying to change will lead me to becoming comfortable with myself, as well I will be able to accept love?
Can't say I agree with the ending. Why should nice people have to be so patient with everyone else's insecurity? It's their problem, and their choice. Oh, right... because they're nice, so they're supposed to bear the burden of everyone else's garbage. Nice people should only get with other nice people; that way they can live together happily while everyone else stews in their own misery.
I would never accept a date with a douche... yes, I'm very self concious, akward and anxious, but that's why I want a partner who's understanding, kind, one who relates to me, someone who I can really trust. I would first get to know them as a friend. I don't really understand people who just ask strangers out, tbh :/ I see a lover as a really, really l close friend who you can trust with your life and back.
thats a lie, some men and women are profesional personality hiders. i recommend getting to see someones honest side before enrolling in relationship, but they better be nice too. i just said thats a lie because noones immune to deception :) taly oh'
Nick Polymer Oh I know! And yeah, you're right that they could be faking. But if I can see that they are truly a good person while being friends with them for a while, it would be safe, I think. That's why I said that about getting to know them and all. Trust me, I would be very picky about the one I would choose to live my whole life with. Don't really want unnecesarry experimenting either.
Sorry, i won't lose my niceness to satify anyon else, rather, i will not lose it for myself. Being "nice" is the ultimate human being.. Hold on my fellow nice people, don't let the world changes what you are, be smart, but never be another cruel creature, we have enough of those already..
I truly admire people like you, people who can remain faithful to themselves. For me is not that simple :( I consider myself a nice person, but when comes to the opposite sex, I'm completely terrified of being rejected, I've been rejected before, and now when a guy is interested in me, instead of being myself and show him that I like him, I reject the guy before he rejects me (it's soooo frustrating)....I do it automatically, without even thinking, the last thing I want it's to be a push over, I don't believe that someone can be genuinely interested in me (they are probably faking it) ....so instead I reject them before they reject me. And there it goes my chance of finding a partner.
"People are kind, they are only evil because of circumstances" and "People are evil, they are only kind because of circumstance". Whichever way you choose, fellow human
+The School of Life You're welcome so much. It was a genuine compliment. Most of the nonsense i watch doesnt "stay in" because it doesnt make me think and because of the aforementioned negativity or outright wrist - slashing sadness. Good job.
+leah Mills Hi Leah, we've already spoken. I dont know if happy is the word. Let's say I am not unhappy. And generally at peace with myself after many, many years of self-loathing (and for no real "reason"). Odd retort to saying this is a good channel. Why do you ask that?
This resonates so much with me. I broke up with the nicest person I ever met, just because I could not handle being the "less nice" one in a relationship. At the time, I felt like assessing truthfully both mine and my partner's flaws, while she overlooked anything negative and made me and us, as a unit, feel more special than I felt we actually were. I have yet to find another person that is as kind hearted. And up to this day, I still don't know wether I handled this appropriately. Thank you for the video :]
+The School of Life I feel like this is a problem unique to the first world. I find latin american societies far more welcoming and loving and as a result being nice is the norm rather than the exception.
yeah well the problem when they dont really wanna hang on anymore there not much sign they give so nice people thought both relationship r getting better
Finally, the answer to the age old question: "Why do good girls like bad guys?" I've had this question for a really long time... Just a note since multiple haven't realized. This comment was a joke. It's referencing a song that goes quite similarly and became rather popular through Tik Tok.
I don't know... it's so shitty when I'm talking with them and they start to tell me how they like this guy who is cool and reckless, like come on that's so cliche
I just found this channel and I'm utterly shocked by how profound and beautiful each video is. Some of the videos are actually rather scary because they make me realize things which I never realized and wouldn't want to realize.
It's fake niceness you aren't being nice because you are a nice guy, you are being nice because you want to date someone most people can see right trough it, most people rather date a honest asshole than a good liar.
Lol I don't worry about dating anyone. But I love being kind too anybody around me. There were times when I tried to look all mean coz people didn't appreciate me being sweet and all that. But I just don't have it in me to treat people like trash
This video entirely overlooks this facet of the issue. Being seen as too nice brings suspicion, because there are people faking niceness to get what they want, to manipulate you into something. That's the society we live in.
I was 23 when I had my first girlfriend. Although the relationship didn't last very long(2 months), I was the happiest I've ever been that time. I thought that now that I finally have a girlfriend, I shouldn't take her for granted. I called her every night, asked her how her day went, always told her she's beautiful, took her out whenever I could, paid for almost everything, never held back from kissing her. Then one night before going to bed, she suddenly asked me if we should start seeing other people. When we got to talk in person, she said even with all the effort I put in, she just doesn't feel it. Breaking up didn't make anymore sense even when she told me I was the best boyfriend she ever had, she even told her friends I was "perfect". Anyways she said it'd be better if someone else who deserves me had me instead of her having me. I still don't get it. I loved her, and I was prepared to handle whatever imperfections I may have seen and work it out. Everything I did for her I didn't even ask anything in return. Right now I really hope that she's right that there is someone else for the both of us.
"Nice guys finish last." We're referring to Nice Guy ™ here, not just being nice. This type of person uses his niceness expecting everyone else to treat him nice and to get what he wants. He'd rather cheat, lie, neglect, or be Nice about problems than face hard circumstances. He operates on child logic and hasn't grown into an adult. He can't treat women as people but rather puts them on pedestals. His mindset and attitude pushes girls away without him knowing, and he never learns from his mistakes. That is why Nice Guys finish last. Source: recovering Nice Guy
How is niceness "child's logic"? I mean, I have to agree that not treating women as people and putting them onto pedestals is the main reason why some nice people have hard time finding a partner. Those kind of people mix up their feelings with their ideals and basically end up in an unnatural mindset. Some nice people also assume that by being nice they will be awarded which is just a sign of selfishness, nothing to do with them being a nice person. I am a nice person, but I know that I can not use the same skills of persuasion with people in general (being nice and honest) and with situations where I'm trying to find a partner. Everyone has their own way of dealing with problems and nice people have many excellent tools in their disposal to face hard circumstances. I don't see there being anything wrong with just accepting the challenge and being nice about it OR being nice to people and avoid the situation if possible. In my opinion the worst thing would be to angrily accept and face the circumstance and then blame other people for it, which is what many people do. How is that considered being an adult?! In my opinion being nice is a social skill, many times also a natural behavior.
"Child logic" isn't referring to the act of being nice here. For all intents and purposes, keep being nice. Rather, I was referring to the mentality that if you are nice to others, others SHOULD return the favor somehow. But this simple truth is that life doesn't work this way. Not everyone will like you and some will simply hate you on principle alone. I don't understand your point about not wanting to use the skills of niceness and honesty to find a partner. The former is important toward not being an douche, and the second is probably the most important. Honesty cuts through the lies on both sides and is the quickest way to reveal what you don't want. Unfortunately, many Nice Guys ™ would rather tell a nice lie than be painfully honest. Once again, it is important to distinguish from being a Nice Guy™ and simply a nice person.
I disagree with the romance, starry-eyed thing being non-gender specific. I can probably say for a lot of men that we don't care so much about the romance part nearly as much as women do--we care about the sex, being validated and having the feeling of being loved unconditionally. Men are different than women. Just tell me how many men you know whose favorite genre of book/film is romance.
For some people there is no hope. You will just have to accept the fact that you will in fact be alone. No one can work with you, there is no chemistry, there is no magic lining in the stars to meet that oh so special someone. Some of us will die alone, some of us will never find anyone, some of us crave an intimate relationship and never get one. We will die in vain and have not of felt love. Only death is real.
When I was 22 there was this nice guy and good looking. He came to work everyday to ask me to go out with him and always brushed him. Then at 24 it just dawned on me that I should have given him a chance, but I had no idea how to find him at that point.
Happened to me. I was interested in a girl and gave it a try. She pushed back and after some time l stopped trying. She called back a couple of years later. Needless to say l lost every shred of interest at that point in time. I dont know what it was but l wasn't interested anymore. I didn't dance around it and l gently told her what l thought and l think she understood. Never heard from her again.
Wow, called back a couple of years later. How generous of her. What the hell is a person like that thinking?I think you did the right thing. Dont give someone as entitled as her the time of day.
This actually made me feel a bit better about being kind. I don't know why. But, I know that I can be naive and stupid. A doormat. But, I have a trick of doing certain things to make another person feel bad once I notice if they're taking advantage of me or just crushing me whenever I see them. Yes, I continue to be as kind as I can and listen whenever. As said though, there's a trick I learned. Let me give you a reference- Person A: *Disagrees* Person B: *Disagrees as well but ends it with a- 'But, we all have different opinions and seeings!
In our twenties my friends and I used to say "how can you have sex with someone you like that much?" A joke that wasn't a joke really. Then in our thirties and forties with long term partners and spouses we used to say "how can you have sex with someone you know that well?" In our fifties....well, never mind. Anyway this is a wise and helpful video as always from SOL.
+contmike The girl doesn't feel she's worthy enough to get the love from that nice guy. She's insecure. Doesn't understand why the nice guy likes her, weirds her out. She feels more at ease (weirdly enough) around guys that don't treat her right, because it reflects how she feels about herself. Something like that.
Ah I see. Thank you for clarifying. Interesting. I never really thought something like this could exist. But now I think I've met with women like this before. I never really understood what was wrong with me, and they couldn't explain it either. So I thought they just didn't want to hurt me or something. Then almost all of them got together with somebody who was cheating on them or obviously didn't give them the respect they deserved. I'll keep this in mind. Thank you for this eye opener :)
I believe that she likes the nice guy but she is not attracted to him or as much as she is to the bad guy. Also I don't think that the problem is that she have a bad image about herself but that she thinks she can do better then the nice guy. After she has her share of disappointments she will settle with the nice guy (if is still around), probably out of fear to be lonely but she will never offer herself to him as much as she would do with a guy that she is really attracted to. Sorry to disappoint you but a women is not attracted to a guy just because he has all the qualities she believes she needs, attraction is there or is not. When she'll want a child you will have a chance because then they are more pragmatic and do their life choices with their brain. The same thing happens to men.
This video hits different. Saved it a few years ago, now I understand. I wasn’t kind to myself, insecure in fact. She was nice, and it threw me off every time. We’re no longer together, and I miss the angel that god sent me. I’m convinced I won’t find true love like that again.
Nice tends to mean not risk taking, very stable, etc. Those traits are boring. Excitement and interest comes from the unknown, the unpredictable, etc. You can be nice and exciting. You just have to actually find the things that are both not douchey and also exciting and interesting. Risks can be taken without terrible outcomes.
People who reject niceness are fucked (low self esteem, insecurity) So much so that it made me come full circle to become fully an asshole only to realize niceness is the true way. If this way nets me less or no women so be it, I can take solace in my high ground.
+jason dads Your comment doesn't make sense. Crunch Foe realised it's not a desirable trait to have when it comes to attracting females. Acting against your nature constantly, you would only deceive yourself. Refusing to make your happiness dependent on strangers, you can't really be lied to either.
MysticKnight Just because someone is nice it does not make them a good person.Thinking to yourself "why are they being nice to me" is not a bad thing. Indeed they may only be nice to you because they want something from you. To elaborate on my first comment: I disagree with Crunch Foe.I believe that you can just reject niceness, without having low self esteem or a lot of insecurities. People can be nice to you with out liking you as a person, only being nice to you, to get something from you. This is a 'niceness' you need to reject. Doing so does not make you have self-esteem issues. How ever if you need to always have other people be nice to you, that is a sign that you have poor self-esteem and insecurities.
+jason dads You are a lot more defensive than me. I do believe you are talking about "fake" niceness which indeed can be annoying. However even if someone is being "fake" nice and they are trying to "get something from you", as you say, what if the thing they are trying to get costs nothing, such as trying to get a conversation or just being reciprocally friendly, do you still reject that?
There are a lot of people that say “well niceness gets me nowhere so I’m going to try to be a bad boy” but in my opinion that kind of person wasn’t being nice because they are nice, they were being nice because they wanted something. That’s not genuine, a truly nice person will be nice despite the world playing tricks on them because they can make someone somewhere’s day a little better and knowing that makes their day better too.
No lol. What’s happening is that they are questioning being nice because they’re tired of being crapped on. Now, my advice to someone like that would be to stay nice but when dealing with hostile & hateful people that’s it’s okay to set boundaries. Boundary setting is a form of kindness to the offender as well as to one’s self. It shows self love and dignity as well as highlighting to the person that while they may be cool with them that they need to respect those boundaries.
@@sarabrenton6364 Not necessarily. What you might deem as them being shitty in response to being treated shitty is just them expressing their discontent for said treatment. That's not being shitty. Its called reaction and setting boundaries via calling the behavior out and setting a standard. Yes, a person can just simply remove themselves from that person but that's not everyone's style. Some people will vocalize their dislike of the treatment before tipping out. Me personally, I'll vocalize it before bouncing so that there's no confusion and the person knows where I stand regarding what I will & won't tolerate. That's not being mean. All that can be avoided by simply not being shitty to people. I get that some people feel they have the freedom to be shitty but with freedom comes responsibility & consequences. Those are part of the deal.
This is so true! I've been a nice person my whole life and that's why I seem to not be able to make any friends! The Insight behind it is so helpful, thank you!
I have the same problem. I'm told I'm too boring because I am nice. Despite all my other interests and hobbies such as traveling, being a musician, camping ,hiking, ect ect
one thing about men I noticed is that when they are interested in you they show it so much that it can be a little uncomfortable. They are like dogs with the puppy eyes that you just don't know what to do with and you barely know them too.
"you just don't know what to do with and you barely know them too"... Well that's how men feel too ! (except for the middle parts of their body which sometime seem to have of life of their own, know what to do and send parasite signals to the brain...) :D
I have the opposite problem. When I'm interested in a woman, I completely hide it because I'm afraid she's going to reject me for showing the smallest sign of interest.
People don’t understand that some people are deliberately nice because they are afraid of their anger. A nice person may have a long fuse, but when you get to the end of it….look out.
It's called self sabotage. The book, "Stop Self-Sabotage" calls this a "giving it away strategy" of sabotaging. The girl got the kind of nice, caring guys she wanted, but she didn't feel she deserved it. So she gave him up by pushing him away. Don't self sabotage. You deserve someone who genuinely cares about your well being
To be honest, I’m scared of being in a relationship, scared of being hurt and scared of hurting them. I would ignore any possible sign that they’re trying to hint and once they noticed my flaws.....I shut myself out because I want to look good or at least “perfect” at all times because I hate myself.
Sis, we arent here to look "perfect" or attract a man. We are so much more than our bodies and how we look. Most people who look like what society says is perfect is full of plastic (literally) and fake. Why be like that?why be shallow or vain? You are better than that. You are worth more than that. You can do so much more with your life than that. You can literally help change the world for the better. You can save lives. You can start your own business. Theres so much you are capable of.. Dont limit to your self worth to something so insignificant and small. You are worth more than that. Dont disrespect your life by saying "I only matter if I look pretty enough to thr rest of the world " The world is shit.people is shit. Society is shit. You don't need validation from anyone or anything. Hold your head high and know your worth more than being "arm candy" for some man. I'm not dissing men. But I am saying we arent here to please men. And not having a man doesnt mean something is wrong with you. Not looking like what society tells you to look like doesnt mean you are ugly. Society is ugly Hang in there .
I’m a straight female and Ive had a male straight friend tell me I’m too available to my crush. Like what the heck, this isn’t a game! I’m not interested in a person who will be attracted to me because I treat them badly, in fact if I treat people badly I’ll get nothing for sure. Am I supposed to treat a guy badly until I get him then “Joke is on you! I’m going to be nice to you now!”
No, you're right. But, maybe men need to be reminded they earned you, weren't granted. There is a hunter/prize aspect. Most pets are predators for a reason. This killer chooses to stay and not claw or eat me. He didn't get his point across well. Me neither.
***** Interesting. That sounds like an elementary way of thinking you have there, with all this conformity, and not trying to make the world a better place. Yea Interesting.
>its expected of you to be nice by default. > Therefore you should be grateful by default. There is this thing where you should appreciate things no matter how trival they seem to be. I've been around the world once or twice. Based of my observations you should probably smile at the person who smiles at you. Be a little more grateful. Without that childish thinking, the world tends to be a much darker place. I also assume based off of you comments that you take most things for granite? oh that's right of course you don't. especially not kindness. You seem to be full of it. Now go away please.
Is not about being nice, it's about being yourself. I feel like we tend to think nice is too fake. It's just awesome to get to know the true self of others. If you know her/his true personality and like the person, even more fun! :)
Being kind, nice is peace & serenity .A lot of people dont understand the nature of a kind person because they were not raised that way. The key to determining if a " too nice" person is genuine or not is to pray for a spirit of discernment to feel energy & if it vecks your spirit after prayer it's probably not genuine. Tap into your chi🙏 Bless
How about a moment of silence for all the women who have been harassed by actual douchebags who were only forming a thought of intimidation and authority on their heads in an attempt to gain sex in return?
As a male I know many a nan and have been a man to be nice in and out of a relationship and after being turned down. If you think that half the population is completely incapable of seeing women as other that sex objects you need to hang out with some different men.
+chubby- -fighter!! While I understand the use of quotes to distinguish someone being false, just FYI nice and good are literally synonyms. www.thesaurus.com/browse/nice You may as well said _"dont be a 'nice guy' be a nice guy._" Which is actually what we're saying, the people you're calling _"nice guys"_ aren't by definition nice. so instead of corrupting the term nice and foresaking anyone who is genuinely nice, good and pleasant, why don't you call them what they are: _Assholes._ Edit: Re italicized for clarity.
It's somewhat an okay video but, remember even if a person that likes you is "nice" you don't owe them anything back. This is especially true in the nice guy ideology, which is total shit. If you're man and whine about how you are always nice to women in how you approach them, compliment, etc, women still don't owe you intimacy back... they are their own autonomous person.
+monica perez I think you missed the point of the video. It doesn't have to do anything with THOSE nice guys. It's about persons like me, (I think of myself as someone kind to others) that offer people care and are good listeners, are concerned about others well being, and don't expect some reward/etc for being who they are. I've had people come and go in my life, and what I noticed is a part of them are afraid of sincerity and push you away, and I find that really irrational. I don't force my self into anyone's life or problems, and I don't think anyone owes me anything. This video just clarified some things for me as to why they might be pushing genuine care away.
Yes but if you were considerate of people and helped them out and every time, when there was an opportunity for them to help you out or be considerate of you, they were not, / did not, then perhaps you'd decide not to he considerate or helpful to them 'cos they're selfish. There is such a thing as being selfish, which you are verging on advocating. It may be true that men should not be nice to girls, because the girl might think he wants sex back and that could scare her. (though one guy I knew was nice to a girl and told her he didn't want anything from her.. and it worked in his favour.. that was smart)
***** What I was saying was to Monica.. her idea that people can be nice to you and you owe them nothing.. true but if you never return niceness it sounds like selfishness. You should define "ulterior motive". If a guy sees a hot girl, it makes him feel happy, and he might naturally be nice to her.. Maybe he has a hope that she might like him back.. but it's not necessarily part of a cunning plan.. Men are often nice to women that are attractive, and that can be because it's almost like a gift when they appear into view, and they want them around. And that doesn't work well for those "nice guys".
***** Well that's not what monica said and if she meant that then she should have said it. But bear in this in mind, if a guy buys a girl a drink and she thinks it's just to get in her pants, and she doesn't agree with that, then she shouldn't accept a drink.. I suppose a lot of these women are just getting a free lunch.
Niceness (kindness, empathy, respect, compassion, acceptance) and over-agreeableness are two totally different things..One is toxic, the other is essential.
Nice video! Sometime I felt over-the-top nice or kindness are down right fake. I think they're genuine but it just feel something out of place with them, like they have certain ulterior motive behind the "facade"... then again it probably just me being awkward and defensive :P
I often find myself stuck. I do like myself so I don't tolerate people who treat me like shit. However, do to past experiences namely my childhood, I find it hard to believe people to be nice. I find myself constantly thinking "Your not nice. Your hiding something, your pretending to be nice so i'll trust you and you'll hurt me." So in short both nice and not nice people end up being rejected.
Astine Rai I didn't say any of that to be rude or mean. I don't hate people- I wrote that because I know it's not a good thing. And it's something that am still working on today. Besides I don't mind being alone, I'd rather be alone then surround myself with complete strangers who I barely know just because am scared of what others might think or if am simply scared to be by myself. I like myself, now am just working on liking more than three people in my life.
Nessa Almuina oh shit. Nessa that was meant for Wotblitzpatrol X'DD I don't know why I wrote Nessa. If u read it, u can see I related it to wotblitzpatrol's comment on 'single'.
This video was not how I thought it would be My own opinion of nice people (me being one of them) comes along with the quote: "Fear the anger of a kind and gentle man." Just because someone is nice does not mean they are fine being mistreated or disrespected. It will build and build until finally they will release it - and then, you will know the true, must justified form of anger.
I’m just nice since I feel it’s the right thing to do. It’s a messed up world we live in but managing to show kindness when no one else will in these dark times is a miracle in and of itself. Of course, if I feel threatened I’d bite, slap, and gouge my way out. XD
I think there's an aspect of it where we're aware predators often come off as consistently "nice" (for a certain amount of time.) And we're essentially waiting for the catch. So when that's just someone's genuine personality we're not just insecure, but doubting them due to the actions of manipulators who act similarly but actually do have evil intentions. Especially for women, it's a necessary kind of vigilance that unfortunately can easily turn into paranoia.
My ex always used to make fun of my niceness until i became bitter and always angry with him constantly pushing me away, calling me names and then started complaining about me being mean... Like seriously, what do you want, men!?
Be nice can be scary, but it's the nices thing to do. Sometimes your gonna be depressed for this, but is good, becouse be nice is better than be interesting lying to someone else, and to your self. (sorry for the bad english)
There's nothing wrong about being nice. Its just when you aren't used to being treated well, it can scare you. I didn't realize it before this video, but I push away romantic love because I have low self esteem. Unconsciously I don't believe I deserve it. Irrationally I fear disappointing my potential mate so much that I would rather run from the love I crave before they find out what I dislike about myself.
This just breaks my heart. My self lovability is actually the reason why I push away niceness?! And deep down I keep saying I just wanna be treated well and loved 😭💔
My boyfriend was like Hannah when we first started dating and was kind of aloof because he thought I was "out of his league" and didn't want to get too attached and end up hurt. The funny thing is I thought the same thing about him!
No. Maybe work on your self-esteem. Most likely, you will attract more people because people, especially women love confidence. You will also start being more attracted to people who are drawn to you and not feel like something is wrong with them.
The girl ended up with the genuinely nice guy at the end of the video. The point of the video seemed to be try not to be afraid of "niceness" think about why something that's actually nice that someone does or says makes you uncomfortable in order to look into yourself and accept yourself. While at the same time keep being kind, because eventually that kindness will get through to the right person. My own note would be that that kindness has to be genuine to be relevant in order for it to eventually work it's way into the heart of another.
If you think you don't deserve a nice person - then you're right. Be honest with them and don't waste their time. Let them be free to find the nice person they deserve to be with.
To quote Stephen Chbosky, the author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, "We accept the love we think we deserve." To love someone who is insecure, you must first make them see in themselves the beauty that you see in them.
I agree,...you love a super nice person when you've recently been treated badly. But it's hard to tell what's motivating the 'niceness'. If it's just how they are with everyone or if they are attracted towards us in particular. There's a sense that they are projecting what they like about you, and also a sense that they are hiding their real personality. It could also be a person who's obsessed with what people think about them, so being nice is a kind of social compulsive disorder. It is a million times better when someone doesn't like you but later starts to like you because they got to know you. It feels genuine.
Now i understand the quote '' We accept the love we think we deserve ''
right? i was like, this vid is basically the romantic subplot from perks of being a wallflower
The Perks of Being a Wallflower. 😊
I was thinking that!!!
Many date because they having sexes. How delusional!
The Crazy UA-cam guy join the club mate
I thought nice people don't seem very liked because they are perceived as "always available" or "not gonna leave" or they are sometimes perceived as weak, so people subconsciously don't give them too much value.
+Xeno True..
+Xeno market economics
I agree with you
+Xeno That is the common perception but it's only accurate when dealing with someone who has a neurotic motivation for being nice towards you. People with the same sort of anxieties as the ones mentioned in the video. A nice person without those problems may stick around longer than other people because they understand the resistance but ultimately will leave and become unavailable if their treatment of you is not reciprocated.That's what my own observations and my experience having been the neurotic type in the past tell me at least.
+Xeno I agree. Though, I do believe it goes deeper than simply valuing interesting people over kind people. Being kind is actively easy. No arguments, no enemies, no issues.. Someone who is nice to everyone is probably lacking a backbone, causing them to suffer internally, making it terrifying for them to defend themselves. They dread conflict, and will do almost anything to get out of dealing with it. Those who don't have an issue with conflict are typically people who learn to be genuinely honest. Nice people aren't just nice. They live a lie. They are prisoners who pretend to be happy about it.
if you treat nice people as low in value, you deserve the unhappy future you provide for yourself.
@luca fresh The reason most Americans are nice and people are nice is because they are not insecure about themselves and happy with their lives and themselves unlike mean people who are insecure about themselves unhappy with themselves and their life and mentally unstable
Exactly. Society treats nice people like crap and then they go out and complain about why people are so mean and abusive to them. People are more stupid than i thought sadly. Im not trying to be mean but people dont know how to use their brains.
Nobody cross an asshole. So they go there whole lives thinking people like them when reality is they all hate them, but don't want to be a target. People are assholes to nice people, and assholes to mean people behind there back. So basically everyone is a bit of an asshole
or they aren't actually stupid 'cause some of them are just traumatized in childhood that some adults tell them it's not okay to stand up for themselves,and as a kid,that's how they believe what being nice is,i cannot tell that they are stupid because not al of them are taught to love themselves in childhood especially if they grew up in childhood where they stand up for themselves when bullied,and an adult victim-blames them for for doing it @@jRex918
@@jRex918 and it's a childhood trauma that needs to be repaired before learning to stand up for themselves.Cuz I believe I read in my gut,some of the nice people aren't actually foolish,they are wounded children of their past trapped in an adult body
being nice is good but being stupid isn't. being kind is good, but being too kind at the expense of YOU is't
I agree with you and I think that the video is hinting at that by saying "We accept the love we think we deserve." If we have a healthy amount of self-respect and love for ourselves we will not be entirely put off by a person who likes us and is nice for the right reasons. If you or me are the nice person with a healthy view of ourselves and we are pursuing someone who treats us like crap then their perception of us will not match up with our perception of ourselves. What I'm basically saying is our validation and self-confidence will not come from wanting those people to like us, it will come from thinking that we do not deserve to be treated like shit. Now let me be clear. When I say we must have a healthy view of ourselves I am not referencing narcissim.
BulletTheEnforcer well-said. i completely agree with you.
well said
I'm just swimming through life.
when I'm out of toilet papers you know what I'll grab
You need to love yourself, before you can truly love another.
I disagree. How can the capacity to love another being be built in solitude? You have to be loved, be it by friends, family or strangers on the internet, before you can love others.
Assyrian I don't see the disagreement. To love is to build nourish and cherish. If you don't nourish and cherish yourself, then how could you ever nourish and cherish the other...
You seem to be saying that you first need to be nourished and cherished yourself, and that's not what I'm denying.
Hooga So you don't cherish and nourish yourself then?
It seems on your definition to be loved (or worthy of love) one needs to be perfect. And I wouldn't say that. As I said to love is to nourish and cherish, if you're perfect you don't need to be nourished and cherished.
+Hooga Why don't you agree?
I'm on the same boat as the flying dutchman. The reason why I think that one has to love oneself before one can love another is because in my definition love is wanting and giving the best for the object of your affection. If it is hard for you to want the best for yourself, as in: you relate to yourself in a negative way, then it will be very hard to give the best to people around you. But if you love yourself, only then can you truly love another.
Within this definition I do truly love myself, and I am definitely no narcissist.
I think the video showed that if you don't love yourself, you don't think/feel you are worthy of the love of others. If you don't feel worthy of their love, you push them away. And pushing away the ones who love you, is the opposite of loving others. So you have to love yourself, to love others in my view.
+The flying dutchman i don't understand a shit
Remember this when dating or making friends. A lot of people have really low self esteem. Thus they make choices based on fear and power. It's not your fault they can't be genuine. The more you recognize games the easier it is to move on in peace.
Very true
Well said.
It's always the little things
Very well said.
I absolutely dispise game playing. It’s stupid, indirect and purposefully misleading. If you want to test something, test it out in an actual situation not in a purposefully confusing test.
Why do we have to deal with games? Why can’t we just have some damn communication? Who started this moronic practice to begin with?
Just a message from one nice person to my fellow nice people:
I've lost a few relationships in my teens and early 20s because I was too clingy and too caring. I've always been the "nice guy".
After those adolescent and immature relationships, I'm happily married and exactly where I want to be without compromising my positive personality.
Don't worry, nice people. Be yourself and you'll find the right person. Keep being nice.
+Ben Aaron This is not always so. Some people are just unlikable, and some people end up dying. For some of us, there is no hope.
+Egyptian Space Odin = Stay positive.
Best comment I've seen. Hope you're well my funny photo friend Ben :)
+Ben Aaron Nice! ;)
+Ben Aaron I hope you're right because I'm getting tired of being the nice guy
I never liked bad boys, they are a waste of my time and energy. I prefer to be respected and to exist in respectful relationships. It's overall, much healthier and happier.
_Insert thirsty commenter here_
Look at their pattern how they do certain things
You sound like the women in the video
But bad guys will not respect you, what do you do about that?
Sometimes those who are believed nice, they are actually bad, but those belied being bad are nice
May be thats why, people are attracted those who are bad, because they are that bad that they show but. Good people you don't know how they can get.
I have tried not being nice but I just can't help it. it's just not me
that's good. Just be honest no matter what.
Be you and heck everything else.
Authenticity counts !
Good I'll recommended staying away from anyone that tries to force you to change. Remember evil and misery love company.
Instead of trying not to be nice try to be funnier, or improve your style, have a nice personality
Same here
"We accept the love we think we deserve"
that is why I picked a girl who treated me like trash and she picked a guy over me who treated her like trash, it is easy to say "well don't" but it is harder in practice it is just how broken we usually are, I guess giving up was the right choice :)
***** I do that kind of stuff, dog training mostly, there is not so much money to speak of and I don't care.
+Aza Jabar we yearn for the love that wouldn't return. :'(
Become a Stoic, at least it gives you a philosophy to stand around with.
Bold and Brash but I am not looking for a "philosophy to stand around with"
+Aza Jabar We all have a philosophy we stick with, whether it be our own or one that already has a name like Stoicism or Epicureanism.
_"If they are any good, why are they interested in us?"_ - Plagiarized straight from my thoughts yo...
+HotSkull So like we are fucked up in the head or what ?
+HotSkull "chemistry" is part of it. And sometimes, we weigh the positives and negatives and still like someone because there are more positives than negatives. Sometimes a somewhat flawed person who has come to like and trust you is more interesting than a person who seems to have no faults. Personally, this is the case with my favorite riding horse, and a friends little dog. Both are quirky. Both took a long time to trust me, and I love both more than similar critters who are flawless and always nice.
yeah, same
+HotSkull you refer to yourself as us? Gollum?
+Princess Consuela Banana Hammock
...He knows.
This speaks to me on higher levels. When i was super depressed, low self-esteem and hated myself this guy was always there for me and he had a crush on me. However all i seemed to do was be mean to him and push him away. Now that i have overcome my depression and have abundant self love, i can see how he is a good person and how he only wants the best for me and he's still in my life even after i treated him like shit.. I am very thankful for having him and super thankful for having such patience with me
You don’t deserve him
Wtf, guys dont be like this pls. Simping is bad. Respect yourselves Kings, be better.
Wtf, guys dont be like this pls. Simping is bad. Respect yourselves Kings, be better.
Albert Einstein Everyone makes mistakes. If she had changed, then she deserves him. Plus, we cant tell people what to do. I hope she’s doing well.
I hope you two still maintain a good relationship and your own personal struggles didn’t affect him in the long run.
I was the "nice guy" to a girl I met online, we met for coffee and she repeatedly bailed out or turned down offers to meet again, despite claiming she was interested. Pretty much I asked a third or fourth time if she wanted to see a movie we previously both said we wanted to see. When she said she had already planned to see it with her sister, that was it. Clearly she wasn't interested, and she wasn't nice enough to step up and face the awkwardness of admitting it to me. I'd rather be turned down then led on. I wasn't a dick or anything, I just responded with "Okay, I understand" and never replied again, and she never replied back.
Since then I just try to be more myself, and avoid trying to be polite and "just be". This hasn't worked out any better, but I think it's more inline to just how socially retarded I am. The whole idea of dating and how it goes down is weird to me, I don't really get it. All these sites suggesting to "wait before calling, wait before this or not, pretend to be..." Why not just be you. I don't get this whole advise of appearing disinterested or trying to get a guy to "chase you". Fuck that, I'm not a rapist, I'm not chasing a woman who appears disinterested.
I understand you, you seem to be me maybe about 2 years back, on the right track, but also "hungry" for dates. What I figured out is don't rush dates, just hang out with both genders, this does not only let you have in insight of how certain girls behave and better understand in dates, but it also means you might just make a friend you later ask out, there is no shame in that in fact most the relationship from my friends started from an initial friendship. It also helps acting like yourself around girls, which sounds stupid to some, but does for example help having weird expectations for dates or just feels less nerves.
I also believe that the stuff online is really missing the point of dating or looking for a relationship. I'd say Dating is about finding a cool person you can be open to more than anyone else and do anything with. I figured such a bond builds up much easier if you're friends first and especially in today s society "strangers" are mistrusted more than ever imo.
ZarrocLP
The only women I talked to were through a dating site I stopped using after my subscription ran out.
I don't have any friends, literally zero friends, and would be find for this if not for how much it limits my chances at meeting women.
Which is something I find baffling. That I want to be able to date and have a romantic relationship, but don't car for having friends.
Not to sound arrogant, but I have had female co-workers who seem interested in me. But there is a lot of fear of initiating anything like that in a work environment.
xinic5
I gotta be honest I have no clue how to best improve help on what you are trying to achieve. But I defiantly wish the best of luck and would recommend you to socialize a bit more, maybe ask a 2-3 people to go to a bar.
Take care man ;)
ZarrocLP
lol no problem. Thought I don't "get" the point of bars and clubs. Or most social gatherings really. I do go to group meetups from "Meetup.com" on occasion, and with reminders by my psychologist as to why I should care to go to them.
Dating really is a game dude. It's not exactly about being someone else, but using strategy to make others see you as a better version of yourself.
I have a nice guy myself, I will never regret having fell for him. He's kind, generous and caring, and loves me exactly the way I like. Lot of girls thought he was too nice for a boyfriend, their lose. As a real woman I knew a real man, and I wasn't letting go.
You don’t have to put other women down for not happening to be sexually interested in some man smh
Do you have a copy?
@Enamati ... you really think you’re funny? Pathetic.
@Enamati 😂😂
I like trains.
I used to be nice, I used to like being nice, but it doesn’t matter how nice you are if you are not strong. Only strong people can be nice, only strong people can tale the hits and still smile. That being said, I need to be stronger
If I may ask, how will you get stronger?
Bars
@@RikN by being honest, to your self and to other poeple, and trying to understand and accept yourself and to the same with people.
@@RikN by setting boundaries and understanding that you are worth setting them.
@@schoo9256 YES THIS ONE setting strong boundaries is what it is and NOT getting stronger in terms of having more understanding and empathy for taking on people's self created drama "pain".
It always scares when someone is nice to me. Especially when making new friends. I start to build a wall around my heart because I'm afraid of failing them.
Is it good to be nice to each other. Why wouldn’t you welcome that
C RD sorry
While I don't know your whole situation, I just want to say, you sure as hell deserve any kindness. If they are being kind to you, they aren't expecting you to be perfect. They will understand if you mess up, or make mistakes. I know there is some reason for you feeling this way, and I sincerely hope you will learn, that people who are being nice to you genuinely want to be nice to you. I don't feel like there is a way to fail them. It's their choice to be kind to you, and understand you, as well as forgiving you. Don't fear of failing them. I know you won't. Best of luck.
Dont be scared of failing nice people, nice people are so used too accepting others as they are and forgiving transgressions or hate against them they often always find the good in people as long as your not directly trying to hurt them there shouldn't be a problem. And might I add your genuineness towards nice people will be felt and they will cherish it. Thanks for reminding me of who I used to be,all the best.
Damn right!
Why do I always talk more then others? I try to be friendly and be considerate but I feel like a creep when I ask too many questions and the person usually doesn't try to talk. It's every single person I talk to. I hate how I am with people.
Vanessa Veiga Same :(
Ask me stuff. Give it a try.
It is Nothing wrong with asking questions. If they are close friends then they Will not be irritated. But asking a stranger or someone you dont know, too many questions can make People feel uncomfortable. So ask when it is needed and ask the right amount of questions.
I'm on the other end. I never ask questions because i don't even know how.
Same.
Being nice doesn't mean enduring someone tormenting you. Standing up for yourself doesn't mean you are no longer nice.
Thank you! For years in my friend group I was seen as the nice, shy girl. Just recently a few of my friends pulled some shit with me. They thought they could get away without any repercussions since I never used to call anyone out in fear of hurting someone or being seen as mean. Just now I've learned to stand up for myself, and they now view me as the villain. I've learned that you can be nice and obviously stand up for yourself when needed.
After ten years I've given up on trying to 'be nice'. People aren't worth it. No I'm not talking about being nice only to try to get sex, I mean trying to be kind and caring to everyone I know and follow my feelings. I have no friends, no relationships, no social life, but good riddance all that's gone. Nobody cares, nobody will try to understand you, nobody will bother to put in the effort to appreciate your company and all the effort you put in for other people will just be shrugged away because why would they? unless you're someone they can benefit from, in which case they just take that and go. So where does this leave you? miserably lonely, occasionally coming across a stranger who thinks they care, until they get to know you, then they'll be gone too.
+Blahidontcare11 You are being "nice" in a way that's off-putting, you are probably interacting with them in a way that may come across as needy or fake. Read "Models" by Mark Manson.
+Blahidontcare11 Having relationships with people is very important, because they can offen you help or things that might really help you in life, like job opportunities, a special deal, very interesting topics, hsving worth experiences and they might save your live.
Giving up on relationships is not something that anyone should do, because considering the amount of people in this world, there are people who really give a shit about you, and even if you don't see them in a long time, they still remember you.
+Blahidontcare11 Get everything you can from others, while just being nice enough not to get killed or thrown in jail.
+assholemon "they might save your live. "
I can attest to that.
If I hadn't found my first friend and opened myself to them I would have grown more and more bitter deep down and maby even commited suicide sometime in the future.
+Nicholas Butterly exactly! If you're not willing to reach out to other people, why would they do the same with you?
You should rename it Canadian people are scary
accurate
Wow... Lol 😂 I see what you did there. 😏
I'm Canadian.....BOO!!!
+NyteKore Legacy ahhh! Wait is that maple syrup I smell?
Whoop da mang SAY ALOE TO MAH LIL FRIEND
*takes out maple syrup gun and sprays it at everyone*
and by the way.....america has been programmed....good is bad and bad is good.....good is boring and bad is exciting... even at the risk of death...pain and suffering......and then they ask that stupid ass question "why can't i find a nice guy"
And America acts like the nicest country in the world when at the same time fight in many pointless wars and meddle in affairs that are none of our business.
@Smash 456 this is very true
John Doe *Me laughing in european like Jonah J. Jameson*
Yes!!! I have known people like this.
This is why I’m going back to Europe
Nice guys finish first, because any person who is attracted to jerk is really not worth investing time in.
ikr, ear smarten up and goes a nice guy or be forever stupid
+Zombie Killer *either
Confident, good-looking guys finish first* doesn't matter a whole lot if you're "nice" or not
MrTehRave you're right. Confident guys do finish first. But that just leaves their girls dissatisfied and frustrated m8 (;
Thathobbitkid _ The only sexually frustrated one here is you friendo. Either skype me or fuck off back to the rainforest.
I literally didnt understand anything this video tried to tell me.
good for you.
+Jossie Palmer My english is not my first language i learned. Usually i understand english very well but in this video it was like i am watching in chinese.
What the video was saying is the reason people reject people how treat them well is because they dont think they deserved to be treated well .
But that's not always true. Sometimes people reject people that treat them well because they simply don't like the people that treat them well. An uncomfortable truth, but a truth nonetheless. This seems like a pep talk for people that are nice to others and get rejected. "The reason you get rejected is because you're nice to people and that scares them." No, the reason you get rejected is because you have qualities (other than your niceness) that make other people not like you. Maybe you're physically unattractive. Maybe you have an annoying voice. Maybe you're socially awkward. Maybe you smell bad. But generally, the reason that people don't like you is NOT because you're nice.
I am an attractive person and all the guys like me expect the one I liked. he rejected me. cause i was too nice to him.
“Don’t hold it against the nice person for liking you, perhaps they see something in you that you overlooked” is a life changing sentiment.
It is so true. I remembered the great movie Taxi Driver by Martin Scorsese. Remember when Travis ( Robert de Niro ) asks Betsy ( Cybille Shepherd) for a date? She says yes and she is obviously very impressed by him. She even says " I never met someone like you before" in a very tender way. What does he do? He takes her out to a porno movie! Of course she runs away...He does this because he just can't deal with the fact that she may love him. He wants to show her right away how unworthy, dirty,useless he is. Poor guy... Well yes, his case was quite severe, he was traumatised as a soldier. But indeed most of us are disturbed one way or another. That's why I think many people can relate with this quote by Groucho Marx:
"I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member".
And in case that you are the nice one, be consistent: keep being kind no matter what. But if you are permanently being punished for this, look for somebody else. Time of your life and the sanity of your soul are much more important; if you get too much involved with that sort of people you may lose them both. Love does not cure everybody.
( As always: thank you very much for this lesson. The actors are great too! )
I think I was punished too much for being that nice guy. I almost felt an anger towards me for being it. I saw women end up with the 'bad boys'.
I do wonder whether some women see it as a weakness men or perhaps they are through some internal process draw to men don’t want them.
+Imran Nazir Hi Imran.Very sorry to hear that. There is a famous singer in Turkey: Ibrahim Tatlises.He is a really horrible, disgusting, macho type of guy. But he has many female fans... He was famous for beating his wife and in his concerts it wasn't rare to hear some women screaming " Ibrahim beat me too, beat me too".... Well yes, unfortunately there are sick folks like that: both men and women, which is indeed really heart breaking. But I guess there must be also some mentally healthy people who appreciate kindness and consider themselves lucky in case they find it. I hope you meet someone like that. Best wishes.
*****
Well thanks :)
+Lua Veli That is absolutely *not* the reason why Travis took Betsy to a porn cinema. He just didn't know how to behave with a woman. You probably misunderstood the whole film, and that's a good film.
+shreddedreams a degree in a subject doesn't always indicated an ability to think, than it does an ability to pass exams. Being nice may be seen by weakness buy some women of a certain attitude, culture and age and in others as decency, honesty and humility. It's about how you were raised. FYI in my life I have earned more money than I knew what to do with, rock climbed for quite a few years and myself earned degrees from top tier universities but I choose not to flaunt it because I am a person first, not a commodity, a play thing or a trophy and not because my self worth depends on how 'great' people think I am. That is why I can mix with people of differing backgrounds. The problem came down to looking in the wrong places. There are many people who were raised in a similar way to me and that where one should look.
To be honest, "nice" people can also seems scary if the niceness does not seem to be a reflection of casual benevolence and affection, but of hidden self-esteem issues and clinginess.
+Demian HakiExcellent! We have to mirroring the behaviour during initial stage of dating, do not overdoing, don't over giving
I think you just described me, among all others...
+Demian Haki Yeah, or not so hidden, maybe. Women can smell low self-confidence a mile off.
***** Explain how they do it, or explain why I said it?
+Demian Haki Also if their "nicies" comes from desire to achieve things, a method to gain someones trust and not from true selfless apprecieation of others. Then its scary like in some horror movie: "Come closer I like you I will give you candy." ;)
when someone loves me its scary bec. i know im not the person they think i am and theyll soon be disappointed
I'm the same way. The more someone loves me, the more I irrationally feel like a disappointment in the making. Low self esteem sucks.
@@justanothertinypartofthisi4651 hi5 for preach
Sounds like you guys have a lot of self work to do. From the sounds of it, you guys don’t have love and kindness in you. Can’t give what you don’t have. But if you’re okay with that then cool.
@@watitduful I think I'm pretty compassionate to others. I'm just not good with myself
Sooo true
These comments are psychologically draining. Lots of loneliness coming through. Lots of anger at other people as well. I am 'used' to the hate in comments, but some of these are really grieving.
+Ghost Panel
Yep. The video was telling people to do exactly that. Bet next one will be a guide to suicide.
[/sarcasm - because some people need such flags]
+Ghost Panel I understand OPs request to "hold on there", but IMO it should be more like hold on as long as you're able. WHich may not be very long. Everyone has to figure out for themselves how long is too long. In my case, when dealing with a GF who couldn't make up her mind many years ago, I found that number to be two months. Because at that point, I couldn't take it any longer. Every person has to figure out for themselves what their breaking point is, and then move on. Hopefully that point will be no more than a few months, certainly less than a year.
+Gabeux He did actually release a suicide video recently.
Anguel Roumenov Bogoev A video about suicide or a guide to suicide?
There's kind of a difference there.
Gabeux Lol, I know. I just thought it was relevant. Though now I'm morbidly curious if anyone does guides.
This makes way too much sense. It's kind of scary.
+brian sigler This is the school of life my friend. The School of life....................
+brian sigler Yes, The School of Life really did seem to hit the nail on the head with this one, didn't they?
It makes me really reevaluate my exes.
Yes, maybe they just did not know how to handle your niceness. People want what they can't have and when you give them your all sometimes they are rude and forget about you.
It's like you read all my old emails.
"Wouldn't they rather be with someone else?" MY WHOLE LIFE IN A SENTENCE
Maybe they see something in you that you can't see in yourself. A butterfly cannot see how beautiful they are and don't understand why someone would see them beautiful when they grew up as an ugly caterpillar.
@@robertsteinbach7325 Noice Wisdom...
I went through a really harsh phase of depression, being that nice person labelled creepy. Enter my late twenties and decided to simply reject those that second guess me for being "too nice", and focus on people who accept me as I am. Nobody else is worth my time.
*****
So far, its working quite well. You should try it.
My boyfriend when he met me also thought I was "too nice". He was SURE it must be a cover up for something, surely I was lying when I went for dinner with my girls, or slept a weekend at my grandfathers house. Surely I was lying is my phone battery was dead and he couldnt reach me. Someone so 'nice', it was unbelievable to him to just accept what I gave him. He near destroyed me with his paranoia. He invented rules for me to stop me from behavior I wasnt showing. He put me in a straightjacket because I was supposed to help him calm his mind. He wanted to draw out "the truth" by pressuring me, picking fights with me, until I would surrender and say it was all fake. But it wasnt fake. My innocent niceness was trampled on, and I turned sour. Our relationship turned resentful, and I was angry with him deep down for years. I didnt care anymore when he came around and realized what he did in the beginning of our relationship.
losgryfog
Very true, wasted alot of time long ago trying to not appear "too nice" because insane people have issues.
I don't think they are insane. It's just people who have been hurt before and unable to recognize the effects it had in themselves. I'm quite confident a lot of people realize their behavior at a stage in life and end in happy relationships despite prior mistakes
Eva
That's his definition of crazy. Honestly, we're all crazy in one way or another.
Who says "thank you" after sex ffs?
nice guys
I say thank you to my boyfriend after sex and he does the same. But we're huge saps so there ya go. Lol.
you also shake hands dude?
Kedi Stars lol nope
Why sir, shaking hands is a handsome way of ending a night of mutual relations.
"We accept the love we think we deserve"
Damn, I so understand this...
+Lee Reynolds Keep up the wu wei!
Dan Bondarenko Sorry, perhaps I am dense at the moment, but I'm not sure what you mean by that comment. That I don't do anything to change my life, but it will change? Like, not trying to change will lead me to becoming comfortable with myself, as well I will be able to accept love?
+Lee Reynolds Koan sound fan. I love you.
Can't say I agree with the ending. Why should nice people have to be so patient with everyone else's insecurity? It's their problem, and their choice. Oh, right... because they're nice, so they're supposed to bear the burden of everyone else's garbage.
Nice people should only get with other nice people; that way they can live together happily while everyone else stews in their own misery.
I sense niceness in u
Right!
The ending (of your comment) was a bit too harsh mate😅
A nice person would never give up on another person so easily. If you give up that fast, consider that you may not be all that nice after all.
the ending was like well she couldnt get bad boy cok till next week so she though well lets try this nice cok for now
Wow, the genuine guy who asked her out on a date was so heartwarming!
I would never accept a date with a douche... yes, I'm very self concious, akward and anxious, but that's why I want a partner who's understanding, kind, one who relates to me, someone who I can really trust. I would first get to know them as a friend. I don't really understand people who just ask strangers out, tbh :/ I see a lover as a really, really l close friend who you can trust with your life and back.
thats a lie, some men and women are profesional personality hiders. i recommend getting to see someones honest side before enrolling in relationship, but they better be nice too. i just said thats a lie because noones immune to deception :)
taly oh'
Nick Polymer Oh I know! And yeah, you're right that they could be faking. But if I can see that they are truly a good person while being friends with them for a while, it would be safe, I think. That's why I said that about getting to know them and all. Trust me, I would be very picky about the one I would choose to live my whole life with. Don't really want unnecesarry experimenting either.
hahahahahahahaha . so funny
Wanna be my friend?
Simo Savustaja I'm not entirely sure who you're adressing, but sure!
Sorry, i won't lose my niceness to satify anyon else, rather, i will not lose it for myself. Being "nice" is the ultimate human being.. Hold on my fellow nice people, don't let the world changes what you are, be smart, but never be another cruel creature, we have enough of those already..
Good work mate
I agree 100 %
I truly admire people like you, people who can remain faithful to themselves.
For me is not that simple :( I consider myself a nice person, but when comes to the opposite sex, I'm completely terrified of being rejected, I've been rejected before, and now when a guy is interested in me, instead of being myself and show him that I like him, I reject the guy before he rejects me (it's soooo frustrating)....I do it automatically, without even thinking, the last thing I want it's to be a push over, I don't believe that someone can be genuinely interested in me (they are probably faking it) ....so instead I reject them before they reject me. And there it goes my chance of finding a partner.
THATS MY DUDE! WE NEED SOME KİNDA GUİLD!
"People are kind, they are only evil because of circumstances" and "People are evil, they are only kind because of circumstance". Whichever way you choose, fellow human
Even a usually joyful character expressing anger is scary, since it’s SO out of character.
I like this channel because it doesn't depress the shit out of me. And because im a Yank, the narrator's British accent.
+The School of Life You're welcome so much. It was a genuine compliment. Most of the nonsense i watch doesnt "stay in" because it doesnt make me think and because of the aforementioned negativity or outright wrist - slashing sadness. Good job.
+leah Mills Hi Leah, we've already spoken. I dont know if happy is the word. Let's say I am not unhappy. And generally at peace with myself after many, many years of self-loathing (and for no real "reason"). Odd retort to saying this is a good channel. Why do you ask that?
haha me too
Everyone likes his accent, even other Bongs.
+Chris News I like Brazilian accents. So swave*!
*swave= smooth + wavy
This resonates so much with me.
I broke up with the nicest person I ever met, just because I could not handle being the "less nice" one in a relationship. At the time, I felt like assessing truthfully both mine and my partner's flaws, while she overlooked anything negative and made me and us, as a unit, feel more special than I felt we actually were. I have yet to find another person that is as kind hearted. And up to this day, I still don't know wether I handled this appropriately.
Thank you for the video :]
+VioletCitizen (Wolfie) I think from the sound of it you need to be a lot kinder to yourself.
Why not try to come back?
How are you doing?
THIS VIDEO SAYS ALOT ABOUT HUMANITY
a proof that we live in a cruel world
wow I love this!
+The School of Life I feel like this is a problem unique to the first world. I find latin american societies far more welcoming and loving and as a result being nice is the norm rather than the exception.
+The School of Life
Well done
+miamihurricane555
When it comes to romantic relationships this shit is universal...
+Sally Beckins I said those exact words after watching :-)
+miamihurricane555 LOL imma get myself a latina chiquita xD
I will not hang in there. If a woman likes people to treat her like crap that's her business. I'll take my "niceness" elsewhere thank you very much.
that's what I thought too
yeah well the problem when they dont really wanna hang on anymore there not much sign they give so nice people thought both relationship r getting better
+gummysweet1 I know you must be cool with that profile pic! My favorite character in the boondocks
You don't sound very nice. (Patience is a virtue)
+Scarlett D'amante :)
Finally, the answer to the age old question: "Why do good girls like bad guys?"
I've had this question for a really long time...
Just a note since multiple haven't realized. This comment was a joke. It's referencing a song that goes quite similarly and became rather popular through Tik Tok.
Underrated comment lol
I don't know... it's so shitty when I'm talking with them and they start to tell me how they like this guy who is cool and reckless, like come on that's so cliche
Because girls like guys with confidence and 'bad boys' have it more than they should.
@@marijatomic2538 except...that bad boys lack inner confidence.
I had this with my ex boyfriend, I struggle with low self esteem and when my then crush told me he liked me I was like: why tho
I just found this channel and I'm utterly shocked by how profound and beautiful each video is. Some of the videos are actually rather scary because they make me realize things which I never realized and wouldn't want to realize.
hot tip: if u call urself a nice guy and complain that women dont want to date u because ur so nice, ur not a nice guy.
It's fake niceness you aren't being nice because you are a nice guy, you are being nice because you want to date someone most people can see right trough it, most people rather date a honest asshole than a good liar.
Lol I don't worry about dating anyone. But I love being kind too anybody around me. There were times when I tried to look all mean coz people didn't appreciate me being sweet and all that. But I just don't have it in me to treat people like trash
Why are you copy pasting in the comments
This video entirely overlooks this facet of the issue. Being seen as too nice brings suspicion, because there are people faking niceness to get what they want, to manipulate you into something. That's the society we live in.
Idk I think the person can still be nice but are so aware that they are being nice that, South they are still nice, they aren’t completely genuine.
I was 23 when I had my first girlfriend. Although the relationship didn't last very long(2 months), I was the happiest I've ever been that time. I thought that now that I finally have a girlfriend, I shouldn't take her for granted. I called her every night, asked her how her day went, always told her she's beautiful, took her out whenever I could, paid for almost everything, never held back from kissing her. Then one night before going to bed, she suddenly asked me if we should start seeing other people. When we got to talk in person, she said even with all the effort I put in, she just doesn't feel it. Breaking up didn't make anymore sense even when she told me I was the best boyfriend she ever had, she even told her friends I was "perfect". Anyways she said it'd be better if someone else who deserves me had me instead of her having me. I still don't get it. I loved her, and I was prepared to handle whatever imperfections I may have seen and work it out. Everything I did for her I didn't even ask anything in return. Right now I really hope that she's right that there is someone else for the both of us.
I think you were lied to.
Women should always aspire to at least sleep with nice guys because they "finish last."
***** Weird, you put my quote into Google and nothing comes up. Link what movie you heard it from.
LOL
Dylan is amazing
THIS is what I thought the saying meant. Not that they were picked last lmao
Still waiting for that link, *****
i've learnt to love myself and now i'd love to be with a nice guy instead of a man who doesn't care... this video is awesome.
"Nice guys finish last." We're referring to Nice Guy ™ here, not just being nice. This type of person uses his niceness expecting everyone else to treat him nice and to get what he wants. He'd rather cheat, lie, neglect, or be Nice about problems than face hard circumstances. He operates on child logic and hasn't grown into an adult. He can't treat women as people but rather puts them on pedestals. His mindset and attitude pushes girls away without him knowing, and he never learns from his mistakes. That is why Nice Guys finish last.
Source: recovering Nice Guy
I've been in a situation where I grew out of that stage
How is niceness "child's logic"? I mean, I have to agree that not treating women as people and putting them onto pedestals is the main reason why some nice people have hard time finding a partner. Those kind of people mix up their feelings with their ideals and basically end up in an unnatural mindset. Some nice people also assume that by being nice they will be awarded which is just a sign of selfishness, nothing to do with them being a nice person.
I am a nice person, but I know that I can not use the same skills of persuasion with people in general (being nice and honest) and with situations where I'm trying to find a partner. Everyone has their own way of dealing with problems and nice people have many excellent tools in their disposal to face hard circumstances. I don't see there being anything wrong with just accepting the challenge and being nice about it OR being nice to people and avoid the situation if possible.
In my opinion the worst thing would be to angrily accept and face the circumstance and then blame other people for it, which is what many people do. How is that considered being an adult?!
In my opinion being nice is a social skill, many times also a natural behavior.
"Child logic" isn't referring to the act of being nice here. For all intents and purposes, keep being nice.
Rather, I was referring to the mentality that if you are nice to others, others SHOULD return the favor somehow. But this simple truth is that life doesn't work this way. Not everyone will like you and some will simply hate you on principle alone.
I don't understand your point about not wanting to use the skills of niceness and honesty to find a partner. The former is important toward not being an douche, and the second is probably the most important. Honesty cuts through the lies on both sides and is the quickest way to reveal what you don't want. Unfortunately, many Nice Guys ™ would rather tell a nice lie than be painfully honest.
Once again, it is important to distinguish from being a Nice Guy™ and simply a nice person.
***** some women love brawn than brain
I disagree with the romance, starry-eyed thing being non-gender specific. I can probably say for a lot of men that we don't care so much about the romance part nearly as much as women do--we care about the sex, being validated and having the feeling of being loved unconditionally.
Men are different than women. Just tell me how many men you know whose favorite genre of book/film is romance.
For some people there is no hope. You will just have to accept the fact that you will in fact be alone. No one can work with you, there is no chemistry, there is no magic lining in the stars to meet that oh so special someone. Some of us will die alone, some of us will never find anyone, some of us crave an intimate relationship and never get one. We will die in vain and have not of felt love. Only death is real.
just take out ur vengeance on them. hurt them as much u can. thats the best cure.
+First think U ppl If your a sociopath maybe...
+Egyptian Space Odin you can treat your GF's one night stand kid as your own. and It will bring meaning to your life.
+Egyptian Space Odin there are other loves besides romantic relationships
+Egyptian Space Odin With a name like "Egyptian Space Odin" you can't be that boring.
"Niceness" is such a broad objective trait that doesnt classify much when specifying what someone really wants in a partner
When I was 22 there was this nice guy and good looking. He came to work everyday to ask me to go out with him and always brushed him. Then at 24 it just dawned on me that I should have given him a chance, but I had no idea how to find him at that point.
have fun living with cats, you deserved it.
Happened to me. I was interested in a girl and gave it a try. She pushed back and after some time l stopped trying. She called back a couple of years later. Needless to say l lost every shred of interest at that point in time. I dont know what it was but l wasn't interested anymore. I didn't dance around it and l gently told her what l thought and l think she understood. Never heard from her again.
Wow, called back a couple of years later. How generous of her. What the hell is a person like that thinking?I think you did the right thing. Dont give someone as entitled as her the time of day.
+Don Draper Man, these stories are probably something...
+Jethro Piano what do you mean?
This is purely good psychology and common-sense content meets quality understandable video. Genius work. Thanks a lot!
This actually made me feel a bit better about being kind. I don't know why.
But, I know that I can be naive and stupid. A doormat.
But, I have a trick of doing certain things to make another person feel bad once I notice if they're taking advantage of me or just crushing me whenever I see them.
Yes, I continue to be as kind as I can and listen whenever.
As said though, there's a trick I learned.
Let me give you a reference-
Person A: *Disagrees*
Person B: *Disagrees as well but ends it with a- 'But, we all have different opinions and seeings!
Much love ❤
+
I Am Laela. Referred To 'Lae's Potato Chips
facebook.com/PowerAndWill/photos/a.1508742329448205/1676165349372568/?type=3&theater
In our twenties my friends and I used to say "how can you have sex with someone you like that much?" A joke that wasn't a joke really. Then in our thirties and forties with long term partners and spouses we used to say "how can you have sex with someone you know that well?" In our fifties....well, never mind. Anyway this is a wise and helpful video as always from SOL.
It's kinda scary, when you think about it, having sex with a long time partner is like having sex with a relative..
"In our fifties...well never mind?" What is THAT supposed to mean?
I don't understand this video. So was this about nice people and about self image at the same time?
+contmike The girl doesn't feel she's worthy enough to get the love from that nice guy. She's insecure. Doesn't understand why the nice guy likes her, weirds her out. She feels more at ease (weirdly enough) around guys that don't treat her right, because it reflects how she feels about herself. Something like that.
Ah I see. Thank you for clarifying. Interesting. I never really thought something like this could exist. But now I think I've met with women like this before. I never really understood what was wrong with me, and they couldn't explain it either. So I thought they just didn't want to hurt me or something. Then almost all of them got together with somebody who was cheating on them or obviously didn't give them the respect they deserved. I'll keep this in mind. Thank you for this eye opener :)
I believe that she likes the nice guy but she is not attracted to him or as much as she is to the bad guy.
Also I don't think that the problem is that she have a bad image about herself but that she thinks she can do better then the nice guy.
After she has her share of disappointments she will settle with the nice guy (if is still around), probably out of fear to be lonely but she will never offer herself to him as much as she would do with a guy that she is really attracted to.
Sorry to disappoint you but a women is not attracted to a guy just because he has all the qualities she believes she needs, attraction is there or is not. When she'll want a child you will have a chance because then they are more pragmatic and do their life choices with their brain.
The same thing happens to men.
+contmike you need MGTOW mate
Alexandru Popescu I'm afraid you missed the point. Read an earlier comment.
This video hits different. Saved it a few years ago, now I understand. I wasn’t kind to myself, insecure in fact. She was nice, and it threw me off every time. We’re no longer together, and I miss the angel that god sent me. I’m convinced I won’t find true love like that again.
I'm nice and it's very hard to make friends 😔
Same here 😐
You're not. Fuck off!
+kuzz okay :/
+RadGamma2307 Seems like a plausible explanation mate.
Nice tends to mean not risk taking, very stable, etc. Those traits are boring. Excitement and interest comes from the unknown, the unpredictable, etc. You can be nice and exciting. You just have to actually find the things that are both not douchey and also exciting and interesting. Risks can be taken without terrible outcomes.
"If we aren't totally convinced of our own lovability another person's affection can be a bit unnerving."
Yes. It is. Very unnerving.
+2892seater how about, instead of our lovability the other persons capacity to love! Maybe praise them instead of yourself and thus be narcissistic!
Nice is good when it combines with strength of character, intelligence, kindness toward others, and defender of general morality and fairness.
People who reject niceness are fucked (low self esteem, insecurity) So much so that it made me come full circle to become fully an asshole only to realize niceness is the true way. If this way nets me less or no women so be it, I can take solace in my high ground.
+Crunch Foe so you rather be lied to than have your feelings hurt.
+jason dads Your comment doesn't make sense. Crunch Foe realised it's not a desirable trait to have when it comes to attracting females. Acting against your nature constantly, you would only deceive yourself. Refusing to make your happiness dependent on strangers, you can't really be lied to either.
MysticKnight Just because someone is nice it does not make them a good person.Thinking to yourself "why are they being nice to me" is not a bad thing. Indeed they may only be nice to you because they want something from you.
To elaborate on my first comment: I disagree with Crunch Foe.I believe that you can just reject niceness, without having low self esteem or a lot of insecurities. People can be nice to you with out liking you as a person, only being nice to you, to get something from you. This is a 'niceness' you need to reject. Doing so does not make you have self-esteem issues. How ever if you need to always have other people be nice to you, that is a sign that you have poor self-esteem and insecurities.
+jason dads You are a lot more defensive than me. I do believe you are talking about "fake" niceness which indeed can be annoying. However even if someone is being "fake" nice and they are trying to "get something from you", as you say, what if the thing they are trying to get costs nothing, such as trying to get a conversation or just being reciprocally friendly, do you still reject that?
I was literally told this, "You care so much, try to see of everything is fine or not and That is so scary"
There are a lot of people that say “well niceness gets me nowhere so I’m going to try to be a bad boy” but in my opinion that kind of person wasn’t being nice because they are nice, they were being nice because they wanted something. That’s not genuine, a truly nice person will be nice despite the world playing tricks on them because they can make someone somewhere’s day a little better and knowing that makes their day better too.
No lol. What’s happening is that they are questioning being nice because they’re tired of being crapped on. Now, my advice to someone like that would be to stay nice but when dealing with hostile & hateful people that’s it’s okay to set boundaries. Boundary setting is a form of kindness to the offender as well as to one’s self. It shows self love and dignity as well as highlighting to the person that while they may be cool with them that they need to respect those boundaries.
watitduful a genuinely nice person would back away from someone being shitty to them not become shitty
@@sarabrenton6364 Not necessarily. What you might deem as them being shitty in response to being treated shitty is just them expressing their discontent for said treatment. That's not being shitty. Its called reaction and setting boundaries via calling the behavior out and setting a standard.
Yes, a person can just simply remove themselves from that person but that's not everyone's style. Some people will vocalize their dislike of the treatment before tipping out.
Me personally, I'll vocalize it before bouncing so that there's no confusion and the person knows where I stand regarding what I will & won't tolerate. That's not being mean.
All that can be avoided by simply not being shitty to people. I get that some people feel they have the freedom to be shitty but with freedom comes responsibility & consequences. Those are part of the deal.
That was beautiful and it made me cry. What a lovely message.
Never mistake niceness for weakness 💜💪🏼
Some a$$holes misinterpret niceness
This is so true! I've been a nice person my whole life and that's why I seem to not be able to make any friends! The Insight behind it is so helpful, thank you!
I have the same problem. I'm told I'm too boring because I am nice. Despite all my other interests and hobbies such as traveling, being a musician, camping ,hiking, ect ect
one thing about men I noticed is that when they are interested in you they show it so much that it can be a little uncomfortable. They are like dogs with the puppy eyes that you just don't know what to do with and you barely know them too.
"you just don't know what to do with and you barely know them too"... Well that's how men feel too ! (except for the middle parts of their body which sometime seem to have of life of their own, know what to do and send parasite signals to the brain...) :D
RUAmplified Some women can be creepy as well.
I have the opposite problem. When I'm interested in a woman, I completely hide it because I'm afraid she's going to reject me for showing the smallest sign of interest.
PockASqueeno me too m8
People don’t understand that some people are deliberately nice because they are afraid of their anger. A nice person may have a long fuse, but when you get to the end of it….look out.
exactly. I got to that conclusion many years ago. This video is 100% right. Now I just hang with people that treat me really good and nice.
This is totally what i'm going through lately and i guess i need to be more confident about myself.
Agreed. Just the hard part is to get over
It's called self sabotage. The book, "Stop Self-Sabotage" calls this a "giving it away strategy" of sabotaging. The girl got the kind of nice, caring guys she wanted, but she didn't feel she deserved it. So she gave him up by pushing him away. Don't self sabotage. You deserve someone who genuinely cares about your well being
I think that Nice Guys are really Adorable!😊
To be honest, I’m scared of being in a relationship, scared of being hurt and scared of hurting them. I would ignore any possible sign that they’re trying to hint and once they noticed my flaws.....I shut myself out because I want to look good or at least “perfect” at all times because I hate myself.
Sis, we arent here to look "perfect" or attract a man. We are so much more than our bodies and how we look.
Most people who look like what society says is perfect is full of plastic (literally) and fake. Why be like that?why be shallow or vain? You are better than that. You are worth more than that. You can do so much more with your life than that.
You can literally help change the world for the better. You can save lives. You can start your own business. Theres so much you are capable of..
Dont limit to your self worth to something so insignificant and small. You are worth more than that. Dont disrespect your life by saying "I only matter if I look pretty enough to thr rest of the world "
The world is shit.people is shit. Society is shit. You don't need validation from anyone or anything. Hold your head high and know your worth more than being "arm candy" for some man.
I'm not dissing men. But I am saying we arent here to please men. And not having a man doesnt mean something is wrong with you. Not looking like what society tells you to look like doesnt mean you are ugly. Society is ugly
Hang in there .
I’m a straight female and Ive had a male straight friend tell me I’m too available to my crush. Like what the heck, this isn’t a game! I’m not interested in a person who will be attracted to me because I treat them badly, in fact if I treat people badly I’ll get nothing for sure. Am I supposed to treat a guy badly until I get him then “Joke is on you! I’m going to be nice to you now!”
No, you're right.
But, maybe men need to be reminded they earned you, weren't granted. There is a hunter/prize aspect. Most pets are predators for a reason. This killer chooses to stay and not claw or eat me. He didn't get his point across well. Me neither.
Not appreciating someones general pleasantness or respect towards you is also called being a bad person, just an FYI.
+Spotted Purple I'm pretty sure you do owe them gratification. Stop justifying bad behavior.
***** Interesting. That sounds like an elementary way of thinking you have there, with all this conformity, and not trying to make the world a better place. Yea Interesting.
>its expected of you to be nice by default.
> Therefore you should be grateful by default.
There is this thing where you should appreciate things no matter how trival they seem to be.
I've been around the world once or twice. Based of my observations you should probably smile at the person who smiles at you. Be a little more grateful. Without that childish thinking, the world tends to be a much darker place.
I also assume based off of you comments that you take most things for granite? oh that's right of course you don't. especially not kindness. You seem to be full of it.
Now go away please.
please stop responding
can*
Is not about being nice, it's about being yourself. I feel like we tend to think nice is too fake. It's just awesome to get to know the true self of others. If you know her/his true personality and like the person, even more fun! :)
Being kind, nice is peace & serenity .A lot of people dont understand the nature of a kind person because they were not raised that way. The key to determining if a " too nice" person is genuine or not is to pray for a spirit of discernment to feel energy & if it vecks your spirit after prayer it's probably not genuine. Tap into your chi🙏 Bless
a moment of silence for our brothers in the friendzone.
How about a moment of silence for all the women who have been harassed by actual douchebags who were only forming a thought of intimidation and authority on their heads in an attempt to gain sex in return?
hahahaha thanks
As a male I know many a nan and have been a man to be nice in and out of a relationship and after being turned down.
If you think that half the population is completely incapable of seeing women as other that sex objects you need to hang out with some different men.
Huschibaba how would you know? lol. dont be a 'nice guy' be a good guy.
+chubby- -fighter!! While I understand the use of quotes to distinguish someone being false, just FYI nice and good are literally synonyms.
www.thesaurus.com/browse/nice
You may as well said _"dont be a 'nice guy' be a nice guy._" Which is actually what we're saying, the people you're calling _"nice guys"_ aren't by definition nice. so instead of corrupting the term nice and foresaking anyone who is genuinely nice, good and pleasant, why don't you call them what they are: _Assholes._
Edit: Re italicized for clarity.
It's somewhat an okay video but, remember even if a person that likes you is "nice" you don't owe them anything back. This is especially true in the nice guy ideology, which is total shit. If you're man and whine about how you are always nice to women in how you approach them, compliment, etc, women still don't owe you intimacy back... they are their own autonomous person.
+monica perez I think you missed the point of the video. It doesn't have to do anything with THOSE nice guys. It's about persons like me, (I think of myself as someone kind to others) that offer people care and are good listeners, are concerned about others well being, and don't expect some reward/etc for being who they are. I've had people come and go in my life, and what I noticed is a part of them are afraid of sincerity and push you away, and I find that really irrational. I don't force my self into anyone's life or problems, and I don't think anyone owes me anything. This video just clarified some things for me as to why they might be pushing genuine care away.
so be a bad boy and break the law
Yes but if you were considerate of people and helped them out and every time, when there was an opportunity for them to help you out or be considerate of you, they were not, / did not, then perhaps you'd decide not to he considerate or helpful to them 'cos they're selfish. There is such a thing as being selfish, which you are verging on advocating. It may be true that men should not be nice to girls, because the girl might think he wants sex back and that could scare her. (though one guy I knew was nice to a girl and told her he didn't want anything from her.. and it worked in his favour.. that was smart)
***** What I was saying was to Monica.. her idea that people can be nice to you and you owe them nothing.. true but if you never return niceness it sounds like selfishness. You should define "ulterior motive". If a guy sees a hot girl, it makes him feel happy, and he might naturally be nice to her.. Maybe he has a hope that she might like him back.. but it's not necessarily part of a cunning plan.. Men are often nice to women that are attractive, and that can be because it's almost like a gift when they appear into view, and they want them around. And that doesn't work well for those "nice guys".
***** Well that's not what monica said and if she meant that then she should have said it. But bear in this in mind, if a guy buys a girl a drink and she thinks it's just to get in her pants, and she doesn't agree with that, then she shouldn't accept a drink.. I suppose a lot of these women are just getting a free lunch.
Niceness (kindness, empathy, respect, compassion, acceptance) and over-agreeableness are two totally different things..One is toxic, the other is essential.
Nice video!
Sometime I felt over-the-top nice or kindness are down right fake. I think they're genuine but it just feel something out of place with them, like they have certain ulterior motive behind the "facade"... then again it probably just me being awkward and defensive :P
I often find myself stuck. I do like myself so I don't tolerate people who treat me like shit. However, do to past experiences namely my childhood, I find it hard to believe people to be nice. I find myself constantly thinking "Your not nice. Your hiding something, your pretending to be nice so i'll trust you and you'll hurt me." So in short both nice and not nice people end up being rejected.
Nessa Almuina have fun being single bitch
Single is better than being a loner like you. Wotblitzpatrol.
Astine Rai I didn't say any of that to be rude or mean. I don't hate people- I wrote that because I know it's not a good thing. And it's something that am still working on today. Besides I don't mind being alone, I'd rather be alone then surround myself with complete strangers who I barely know just because am scared of what others might think or if am simply scared to be by myself. I like myself, now am just working on liking more than three people in my life.
Nessa Almuina oh shit. Nessa that was meant for Wotblitzpatrol X'DD I don't know why I wrote Nessa. If u read it, u can see I related it to wotblitzpatrol's comment on 'single'.
Astine Rai ohh, okay :) sorry for the misunderstanding
This video was not how I thought it would be
My own opinion of nice people (me being one of them) comes along with the quote:
"Fear the anger of a kind and gentle man."
Just because someone is nice does not mean they are fine being mistreated or disrespected. It will build and build until finally they will release it - and then, you will know the true, must justified form of anger.
I’m just nice since I feel it’s the right thing to do. It’s a messed up world we live in but managing to show kindness when no one else will in these dark times is a miracle in and of itself. Of course, if I feel threatened I’d bite, slap, and gouge my way out. XD
I think there's an aspect of it where we're aware predators often come off as consistently "nice" (for a certain amount of time.) And we're essentially waiting for the catch. So when that's just someone's genuine personality we're not just insecure, but doubting them due to the actions of manipulators who act similarly but actually do have evil intentions. Especially for women, it's a necessary kind of vigilance that unfortunately can easily turn into paranoia.
Very true
The speaker's voice is just so wonderful. Really fit in into the topic
Ew. The incel/Nice Guy energy is STRONG in this video and comment section. Y'all need to go outside.
If I'm mean, I'm a bitch. If I'm nice, that's scare. No wonder Sartre said that "hell is other people."
My ex always used to make fun of my niceness until i became bitter and always angry with him constantly pushing me away, calling me names and then started complaining about me being mean... Like seriously, what do you want, men!?
Be nice can be scary, but it's the nices thing to do. Sometimes your gonna be depressed for this, but is good, becouse be nice is better than be interesting lying to someone else, and to your self. (sorry for the bad english)
What's bad about being nice ????!! Is it today a crime or what ?! Just be happy to meet people who will accept you and like you the way you are tho.
There's nothing wrong about being nice. Its just when you aren't used to being treated well, it can scare you.
I didn't realize it before this video, but I push away romantic love because I have low self esteem. Unconsciously I don't believe I deserve it. Irrationally I fear disappointing my potential mate so much that I would rather run from the love I crave before they find out what I dislike about myself.
This just breaks my heart. My self lovability is actually the reason why I push away niceness?! And deep down I keep saying I just wanna be treated well and loved 😭💔
My boyfriend was like Hannah when we first started dating and was kind of aloof because he thought I was "out of his league" and didn't want to get too attached and end up hurt. The funny thing is I thought the same thing about him!
So... I should be an asshole and then It would be more likely that someone will want me?
Random League of Legends (Thresh) games people who don't realise this lesson, yes
FUCK YOU! Oh wait, nevermind. You watched this video so if I'm mean you won't want me and you're not a girl so I don't want you.
No. Maybe work on your self-esteem. Most likely, you will attract more people because people, especially women love confidence. You will also start being more attracted to people who are drawn to you and not feel like something is wrong with them.
Yes.
The girl ended up with the genuinely nice guy at the end of the video. The point of the video seemed to be try not to be afraid of "niceness" think about why something that's actually nice that someone does or says makes you uncomfortable in order to look into yourself and accept yourself. While at the same time keep being kind, because eventually that kindness will get through to the right person. My own note would be that that kindness has to be genuine to be relevant in order for it to eventually work it's way into the heart of another.
If you think you don't deserve a nice person - then you're right. Be honest with them and don't waste their time. Let them be free to find the nice person they deserve to be with.
To quote Stephen Chbosky, the author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, "We accept the love we think we deserve." To love someone who is insecure, you must first make them see in themselves the beauty that you see in them.
I agree,...you love a super nice person when you've recently been treated badly. But it's hard to tell what's motivating the 'niceness'. If it's just how they are with everyone or if they are attracted towards us in particular. There's a sense that they are projecting what they like about you, and also a sense that they are hiding their real personality. It could also be a person who's obsessed with what people think about them, so being nice is a kind of social compulsive disorder. It is a million times better when someone doesn't like you but later starts to like you because they got to know you. It feels genuine.