51 years, my husband created a LOT of stress for me at all holidays. I'm finally free of him and looking forward to Christmas this year. A peaceful and wonderful time, stress free.
I feel like I spent over 4 decades of my life in prison for crimes I did not commit. I've finally been sprung and I will not be returning to jail for anyone. Apologies to anyone who might be offended by this analogy as I know there are many innocent people who have done actual time. It's a horrible thing to be falsely accused and imprisoned. Metaphorically, it's the best comparison I have for what has been done to me.
What a great analogy and you nailed it! My mother hated my closeness to my father, my in laws hated my refusal to cow tow or fall into line in their family cult, my step son hated me for the same exact reasons and boy oh boy did they all make me pay. No more, not one more second of my life will go to these circus freaks-let them eat cake.
My goodness, you are still walking on eggshells. It takes time. You didn't say anything wrong as analogies aren't wrong. You are ok and don't apologise for anything sweet lovely person. You are bang on and brilliant. We got you buddy.
That's wonderful you got away. It certainly is like prison. I did two life sentences + with my narc and finally when the opportunity to escape came, I took it. Freedom is the best!
Your comment speaks to my heart in so many ways. I've spent 3 decades in my "prison" for crimes I didn't commit either. The hardest part was walking out of that prison door because I didn't know or realize it was wide open the whole time. My crime? I watched child abuse committed by my brother-in-law to his youngest son and thought I was doing the right thing by sharing this with my then new husband and a sister-in-law. I was horrified to see the blank look in my husband's eyes and for him to act like it was no big deal. I find out years later that this much older brother had been abusing my husband for years....The sister-in-law immediately ran to her husband (the other brother) and told him what I said and he confronted me with a SMILE on his face and laughed it off....turns out he's not exactly the nicest guy either. But the icing on the cake was the news getting back to my mother-in-law and her raging freak out in my face, telling me that her children were "perfect" and that she didn't care if my husband beat up and put me in the hospital, she would take his side and make sure everyone knew that I was the problem. It would be all my fault. For the record, my husband is nothing like his older brothers and has never hit me. We've had normal ups and downs in our marriage, but that's it. Sorry for carrying on....I am finally in trauma counseling for 3 decades of emotional and mental abuse from my in-laws. My reputation has been shattered and I'm treated with "tolerance" by them because I'm married to their son/brother (who has never witnessed their countless digs and attacks towards me because the mil would always corner me ALONE making it my word against hers). It took 30 years for him to FINALLY see what's going on and believe me.
"Trust your gut." Wow. Just the opposite message we get from narcissistic people in our lives. Thank you for your dedication and hard work to support "team healthy." Happy Holidays!
Last year I finally said no more to a sister in law comjng to stay for a few days over Christmas….cold silent treatment in return . But oh did I feel free from all the drama and her demands for attention . You and Dr. Ramani have helped me trust myself…I am 75. Thank you for this channel and your support. I have also gone no contact with a brother. It’s hard because others don’t understand.
@@bonniejalsevac7946 Staying connected to supportive communities like Dr C's and Dr Ramani's will help reinforce your wise decision to choose Healthy! It was a decades long journey for me as well. Stay Strong and Stay Healthy!!
It is tough and sad, people don’t get it and it’s sad & disappointing when we aren’t given the benefit of the doubt yet the narcissist is given much more grace
So much stress over the years, I'm amazed I'm amongst the living. My sister, in laws and stepson are Stressstravaganza Olympians and this year we'll be STRESS FREE because we've gone no contact with every one of them. Happy Festivus, one and all!🌲
10:47 Trust your gut: totally! Many have been faced with such enabling dilemmas. Ask yourself, if these people really care for you, how can they demand you tolerate this entitlement? Will they step up for you when things go wrong? How can they demand you don't let this bother you? I get it, you may love them (trauma bond?) but at some point please give yourself some love too and if needs be, permit yourself to say No, thank you.
Been there. Deep regret over always showing up, not realizing the long term damage to my own husband and child, not to mention myself - my own well-being and joy over the course of my life. Please follow your heart my dear, life is short.. and you are showing your children how to live. Bless you
This Christmas is quiet with only a couple close people, but I’m happy and I’m at peace. The last two Christmas were hard but im finally free from the controlling people and enablers. Merry Christmas Team Healthy and Dr C and I wish you all peace and joy.
I wish you as well, peace and joy. I'm still not free from the narcissistic family system, but I find glimmers of hope in people like you. Plus, like Summer, I'm happy by seeing happy people, I believe this is a gift in the middle of our devastation. Nearly a year and a half that I found out "it was not me". Nearly a year and a half I stopped feeling and thinking "it's all my fault. What can I do for repairing????" Nearly a year and a half I have known all these lifesavers like dr C 🌟 edit. nearly a year and a half that I have been trying to improve my English 🥴😂
Thank you for highlighting that it is normal to feel bothered by the narcissist's jabs and controls. People sometimes insinuate that it is my weakness in the face of the narcissist (simply by not wanting to go along with them), not the narcissist's behavior; that is the problem. Thank you for highlighting that we can make our own choices for ourselves when needed.
I'm 34 and this is the first year I'm deciding to stay away from the family. Feels lonely but I asked myself the question, if I started dating a woman and she accepted a certain type of behavior my family gives, I would question her judgment and wonder why I'm with someone that accepts this behavior. I appreciate all your videos. They've helped me understand more and affirm my decision. Merry Christmas
I’m 39, the (e)scapegoat and this is my third Christmas away from my whole “family”. Christmas in the past have been horrendous occasions. Well meaning neighbours have invited me to Christmas lunch but last year and this year I’ve said I have plans and am basking in the anticipation of a peaceful day. I’m sure in the future I’ll have many happy holiday seasons with people I actually want to spend time with when I find them, but until then… 😊
I haven't spent Christmas with family for decades. Fortunately I live 3000 km away. I have minimal contact and for years I was totally estranged from them. I used to have an orphan*s Christmas lunch at my house for many years. You'd be surprised how many people came. Many people are alone at Christmas. Many don't see family at this time. We used to have great fun!
Thanks for this Dr Carter and best holiday wishes to you too. I am 50 and late diagnosed autistic and have CPTSD and awaiting dissociative disorder assesment. I am single, not much family contact and am unable to work. Channels like yours keep me going. Hi from UK and seasons greetings to everyone. :)
My Dad kept creating so much stress during "the holidays", that sometime in the mid-1970s, I decided I wasn't going to celebrate Christmas in our house anymore. NO more Christmas tree, NO more decorations, NO more "Christmas presents". Result? A HELL of a lot LESS STRESS around here. That's for around 50 years now. Today, I was not only sleepy but not in the greatest of moods, but I had to run some errands. When I stopped at my new home care agency office, I happened to mention to Lorraine (the office manager, a WONDERFUL lady) that I was kinda stressed out today. She commented, "I think the holidays do that to a lot of people." I replied, "Not in my case. It's more like things going back 40 years." I hope that didn't disturb her too much. The sad truth is, my Dad PERMANENTLY derailed my life, and these days, all I can do is try to enjoy what I can out of what I'm able to do. Team Healthy has been a HUGE help the last few years.
I usually found Thanksgiving a lot worse than Christmas because it was like I needed to put on a work uniform and hustles all day long or get punished by my parents for not doing enough. One Thanksgiving they made me do the dishes alone in the dark.
The grief you feel is the sign that we are commited to love and truth and honesty and love doesn’t tolerate abuse of any kind. Thank you for your Invaluable help and support dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
Thank you Dr. C for guiding us through this holiday bumpy road, full of potholes and narcissistic pitfalls. From the video caption: " Dr. Les Carter addresses a specific set of circumstances, then *offers sound guidance for managing potential holiday drama* " Yes, please. Much needed and very welcome 🌼🌿
I was having anxiety attacks when I was over at my mothers house on holidays. After having an anxiety attack on the way to her house in 2013 for Thanksgiving, I decided that's the last time I was ever going to her house again. Thankfully, I worked as a security guard and I could tell her I was working on the holiday. In 2016 I went fully no contact with them. Since then all of the holidays have never been better.
Dr. Carter. I'm a fellow physician. Thank you, I have watched many of your videos. I was kicked out of the house by my mother, a resp therapist, when I didn't get into medical school after college. When I got in, I was welcomed back, then shunned for all of my training. They really don't make sense until you realize they have no respect for honesty, just respect for themselves.
@@SurvivingNarcissism It's very much what kills you doesn't necessarily make you stronger. They just take. Thank you for your videos. Appreciate what you do.
Ohhh man this was music to my ears. ❤❤❤ Thank you so much for this! I’m going to listen to this on repeat quite a few times in the next couple of days until it sinks in. Thank you thank you thank you!!! ❤🎄🎅🏻🦌
Thank you Dr Carter for taking time to touch on this subject! You have been a tremendous help and support to me and my family! Im so glad there are individuals like you out there that understand this subject enough, and can help the rest of us understand our feelings and emotions. We appreciate you! Blessed Christmas to you and yours... and Gus too❤
My children want to go see my narc family for Christmas. I keep telling myself that just for one day it should be okay. But I 'm extremely cautious, for good reason. I go through this every year and during all special occasions.
Take this from somebody who’s put up with it for 30 years and should’ve never been around. The narcissist I was or had my child around him. People are not gonna change they are who they are and it’s not gonna stop no matter how much you want to even if it’s just for one day. This is a serious mental disorder. Narcissistic people see u as a transaction to benefit them. They are not capable of real love or empathy. They cause u drama and pain then smile when your heads turned enjoying it.
Whenever I rationalized, I end up regretting it and wish I had obeyed my intuition. I've learned, when I don't have peace with it, I don't go. Needless to say, I've gone no contact & no longer spend any holidays w/family. The peace it brings me is immeasurable
@@missred2401 I get what you guys are saying, I do. But " low contact" is a real thing. And for me right now, this is the option I'm choosing. I realize more than anyone how horrible these people are.I'm not able to go no contact yet, someday I will be. I'm putting the safeguards in place. Because t think it's a combination of that and when the time comes, it's over. They never will Expect it
I figured that I would add my holiday stress story to Dr. Carter's comment section. In 2022, I was invited to my son's house for Christmas 🎄 ⛄🎁 dinner. My sister and my younger son were also invited. So I asked him what time was dinner? He said dinner was at 3pm. He also asked if I had heavy whipping cream? I told him that I had the cream and would bring it to his house at 3pm. I didn't want to go to his house earlier because he specifically said 3pm and he has a bad temper. Anyway, my younger son picked us up at 2:30pm and while we were on the way, my older son called my younger son and was yelling at him complaining that we were not there yet. My younger son was very hurt and backed out because he didn't appreciate being screamed at by my older son for us not being there yet (it was 2:45pm). My sister and I decided to go through with it. So we got there and my son was complaining the whole time that he has so much to do and the kids were running around and it's just too much. I offered to help him. He responded by saying that I don't understand because the baby has autism. I told him that the baby is fine, he's just being a child. He wasn't doing anything to hurt himself, he was just running back and forth from the living room into the kitchen. I started to feel very uncomfortable because he spoke to me as if I was incompetent to notice if the baby was going to do something to hurt himself. He continued complaining very vocally that he has to do everything and that it's just too much. I didn't know what to do or say so I just sat there in the living room quietly waiting for him to ask for my help. So he finally put the dinner on the table. I was feeling quite uncomfortable at that point and then when I went to sit down at the table for dinner, I didn't notice that the baby had crawled into the chair. So I went to sit and sat down for about 5 seconds and then immediately sat right back up after I noticed the baby was in the chair. The baby was fine UNTIL his father screamed bloody murder at me for sitting on the baby. This caused the baby to start crying. At that point, I felt as if I was being accused of a crime. The other children were seated at the table, frozen and didn't utter a word. I then told my son that I was no longer hungry and that I had preferred to go home. My sister agreed. My son then yelled at me that if I go home to never come there again. I politely told my son that I just prefer to go home because I will not be spoken to in that manner. It's disrespectful, inappropriate and it's embarrassing. I was very hurt and upset. I sat in his living room while they had dinner until my younger son picked us up. The kids were sitting at the table and didn't say a word. I told them to enjoy your dinner and I love you, Merry Christmas. Later that evening, I called my son and tried to reason with him. I told him that screaming at people is inappropriate and that he hurt my younger son's feelings in addition to my sister's and my feelings. I tried explaining that when you bark orders at people and rage at people like a toddler melting down, it drives people away. His response was "I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need anyone." I simply don't have the energy to tolerate these types of people. You can't reason with them and it's exhausting. They ruin every holiday. I haven't heard from them since and it's sad.
Three years ago, I cut all contact with my covertly narcissistic mother. As a result, I also severed ties with my brother and his family. This is the third year that I’m not celebrating Christmas with my other family members, and I’m perfectly fine with that. After two years of not sending anything, this year my mother decided to send me a Christmas card. Others might see this as a thoughtful gesture or an attempt to reconcile, but I know better. Her actions are carefully concealed as a kind gesture, ensuring that anyone observing from the outside would see her in a positive light. However, I know she isn’t trying to mend our relationship; she’s trying to insert herself into my Christmas, making sure I think about her. For her, it’s not about me but about maintaining the illusion of the perfect Christmas that fits the narrative she has constructed for herself. She cannot stand the idea of people not thinking about her because she believes everything that happens in anyone's life must revolve around her. Her actions are an attempt to make me crumble under the pressure, so she can regain control and have things her way. But no one-and I truly mean no one, not even a parent-has the right to impose stress on others to force their will. I’ve realized that the only way to handle this is to acknowledge the card’s existence, set it aside, and move on. While the stress isn’t entirely gone, it has been reduced to a minimal level, and I find peace in knowing I’m no longer playing her game. Neither I, nor YOU for that matter, owe anyone anything in this regard. The sad truth is that she herself is a victim of a terrible childhood and an upbringing filled with misery and humiliation. Her behavior stems from a coping strategy that helps her stay afloat in a harsh world. As for a pleasant Christmas with family? She could have that easily-if only she could let go of her compulsive behavior. But sadly, she cannot.
As a child, as an adolescent and as a very young adult... I didn't understand *the connection* between what happened *in the church* (meaning the church-building and the church-people) and *what happened at home* , in my parents' house, just before (!) and just after (!) the church. That "just before" and "just after" usually meant also _in the car_ 🥴 . Indeed, there was No Connection at all. Ok, we are all humans and flawed and fallible, but... That was something different. Anyhow, and obviously, as a child, I found a different answer in order to maintain my sanity. I didn't know at that time, but trauma was the only "healthy" response I was able to give... a healthy response becoming quite unhealthy during a child growth, if it goes on for a bunch of years.
@SurvivingNarcissism Yes, now it makes much sense even all that weird "pattern". And, just for the record, after many years from that pattern, while I thought something has changed upside down in my parents house... It was just a different facade with the same underlying pattern. In other words, my mother decided to become an "important person" for the parish... So, faith & religion became topics to speak about in her house. She is now "the teacher", of course 😄🥴 . As for me... after abandoning the church for about 2 decades, I was on a long journey of spirituality, faiths, religions, philosophy, theology, biblical studies, etc... And then, I came back to my Christian faith, with a very different awareness. I believe it was (somehow) like the first light, the beginning of a mindset, the preparation for discovering many other realities in my life, and step after step, also the very first base grounding, the very first core inside of me to be able to see and understand the reality of the serious narcissistic abuse I went through. I think this time, I mean Christmas time, is a good time to say it. Everyone here in Team Healthy has their story and their path. This has been my path to arrive here. This long wordy talk is... for anyone who likes to know one of all possible paths.
What bothers me is how it seems accepted in our culture for narcissists to cause drama during holidays. To the point where it’s sometimes seen as humorous. Even tv shows and movies show this as either funny or it could be frightening based on the tone.
I don't want to feel obligated to put up with narcissist drama. It occurs to me my dad almost always ruined any family outing we went to. Before my parents divorced my mom stopped joining us. That caused me a lot of anxiety. I loved my dad, but boy he could be difficult.
I am spending my holidays fighting an elderly abuse case with my narcist mom. Imagine not seeing her for almost 3-years and getting served with a temp restraining order for her lies. Happy holidays everyone. This is a nightmare and so much for planinng to stay away.
I really like the distinction between grief and guilt. For me, it's my SIL who controls access to my brother and has for many years. I'm finally cutting way back on contact after decades of snide remarks to me and outright nasty arguments for me not going 100% along with what she believes or wants to do. We were at a restaurant with other people I'd brought along so her behaviour would be better, but at one point she was shouting about something in a book written 30 years ago that none of us cared about. I can grieve not being closer to a family member, but I don't need to feel guilty for no longer being willing to be treated badly.
So thankful! Though I don't face this situation now, listening to this video provided healing as I recall past holidays. The validation brings so much relief that I am breathing easier right now. Thank you to the person who wrote this comment and for Dr. C's tremendously healing response. ❤ To Team Healthy.
This is so great! Thank you! It illuminates so many significant areas in which I need to improve; ex. grief versus guilt and trusting yourself based on personal integrity. I'm so excited because I can see these are major failings. (Does anyone really just know these things?)
It’s so nice to finally (after many years of emotional effort!) to not have to deal with or see or meet or spend time with any one that makes me feel bad, including drama antagonists and toxic codependents who inevitably entangle with the narcissist or just harsh the vibe with their goddam drama negativity manipulating pot stirring judging antics and behaviors. I no longer feel obligated to engage or lose my precious life time with any of that. It’s damn freeing!!! 🎉 Happy Holidays indeed.
For 30+ years, I've felt like the cleverest Holiday Hacker, for sidestepping my N. mother's Christmas demands for my children, my spouse and me to spend ALL Christmas Eve and Day festivities with her, instead of giving my in-laws, even a sliver of their son and grandchildren at Christmastime. (Seriously, I've BRAGGED about my cleverness on this 🙄) Naturally, Christmas had always been stressful with a narcissistic parent, so to avoid any interruption in her annual holiday stress-fest, I CHANGED my family's Christmas morning to Christmas Eve morning to appease my mother's selfish demands, and even though MY life was made exceedingly more stressful now that I was having to produce a full Christmas Eve/Morning a day early, and, still having to produce a full Christmas for family/friends at my parents' house, too - but at least I dodged that wrath that made my holidays so complete! How do I feel about my clever "solution" now? Well, now, Dr.C., looking back, I don't feel clever, not at all. I. FEEL. TRICKED. (and more than a little foolish). Merry Christmas Dr. C and Team Healthy!
I missed the first 4 Christmases after we were married. I was dead tired and sleeping after All-nighters working on projects for customers. "Everything is a Christmas Present"---- deadlines for "showing-off" new custom furniture. 😊 Our son was born on the third year. One time at a coffeeshop just before Christmas, I was in-line behind a Sheriff, and I said that line. Oh boy! Did she have some great stories..... "You ruined our Christmas"..... a citizen said to the Sheriff when she made a "domestic abuse" call to an elite neighborhood.
I loved Christmas until I married into my husband's family. My mother-in-law made ALL holidays miserable. Screaming, starting fights, critical comments and acting like all of us should pay her homage. She passed away in 2019 and it was the best Christmas we ever had at their home.
Drama is stress. Tell them I dont want to be involved in it and I dont want to hear it thank you, especially during my holidays. If they dont have something good to offer, then don't offer it at all, especially drama.
@Rachel-mz8ko then I don't have to listen to them. I won't get involved. It would be, if you want to ruin my holidays, I can go somewhere else. If I knew it was going to be like that anyway. They would know my solution. I would repeat my solution until they come around.
@@Rachel-mz8kothe truth is we don't get along. That's what I'd say to those who want to listen. I know the vision of my holidays and it doesn't include drama. My argument will always be NO Drama Please! If that gets sorted, then I have a foot in the door of it not being repeated. I can be quiet as a lamb if need be and remove myself if need be.
My ex could ruin every holiday, pitting people against each other, spreading lies, starting arguments, etc. I jumped off the merry go round and now holidays are something to look forward to rather than dread.
My Ex’s-GF would ruin holidays and for that matter vacations with anger episodes she called “tantrums.” (She was in her sixties) This holiday meals at my side of the family were the ones she knew I would be the most humiliated and serve as the most injurious to me. The worst one was after we arrived home to my house she became so irrational and angry I thought I would have to call the police. I tried communicating with her, but me telling her my trepidation was almost a trigger for her to start something! Point being, she wanted to hurt me. Instead of having a good time and few laughs it was torture for me waiting for the shoe to drop. These, episodes took their toll. I finally, after the last one, just left for good, after almost nine years. I had told her I was at the point of leaving and it didn’t matter. I clung to the idea that she would change. That love was the answer. Ha!.
It always makes me wonder, how many narcissists follow this channel and utter phrases like "thats so true" about family members that are just creating boundaries with them, but in their own hubris, they're thinking they're the victim of narcissism.
During a Christmas family gathering, a nice cozy fire was lit for everyone to enjoy. My covert SIL was not happy about it and played the victim as usual. She ended up going outside in the cold and sulking so everyone would give her some attention. Ha! Not me. So glad I've gone no contact with her for the past 2 years. Never again will I have to put up with that during the Holidays. Thank you Dr. C! ❤
@Hatbox948 Hi...she said she was too hot. Haha! The fire was just comfortable for everyone. But you know narcs...they have to complain and whine and sulk about any little thing. Plus they need their supply and attention. So glad to get rid of her in my life!
😂🍾🍾💃💃 I'm dancing too, all the way to peace and self acceptance and freedom.. Thank you Lord for people like this Dr who shares his wisdom. Bless and keep him, He's doing Your work and helping set people free. In Jesus name, Amen🙏❤
I think about 6 years ago I went to a family outing that I didn't go to for at least 10-15 years.. Yup.. It was still as crazy as ever.. Glad I don't go anymore.. No I would not like some stressing with my mashed potatoes;)
A family member's ex invited me to visit, all expenses paid. I accepted. In October. The day before Thanksgiving, I was given an ultimatum - Choose her, or family member. The tickets were purchased, for December 6. Other people have visited, including family member's son. But, there are different rules for me. I said I'm not playing your game. Family member is never speaking to me again. Oh well. This person also ruined my birthday.
It's "family member"s CHOICE to be such an A**H***. If they're gonna be that way, it just shows what they're really like. You're better off without them.
They love humiliating someone in front of an audience, ganging up on them like a bunch of bullies. Then they point out that your reaction to that is the problem supposedly
"Trust yourself, you are a person of integrity." Thank you, Dr C, for reminding me that Christmas can be a difficult time. I am not sure who is turning up for Christmas lunch. and that's OK. I love leftovers, I usually make gifts but I have realised some people just don't appreciate it, and others shame me for the truly beautiful things I create. That's OK, $5 Aldi chocolates are tasty. I am focusing on peace, faith and freedom. It's a journey. Bless you, Gus, the family and Michaela with many thanks for your work in 2024. Merry Christmas, Dr C.
It would be awesome to have a family that could enjoy the holiday season together. I'm ok, it would be nice though 🙂🙃🙂 I will enjoy church service, the people, the christmas songs, and holiday spirit. 😊🎄👏 ☃️ Thank you @Jessica. What a lovely way to be included. Have a very merry peaceful holiday season 😊 ☺️ Dr. and Mrs. Carter /family. Team Healthy, happy Holiday's, and won't cry til Wednesday. 😊
Ever since I got married in 1973 Christmas has been extremely stressful. My grandma insisted that everyone come to her house on Christmas. She pressured Mother to pressure us. This insistence started in mid-November. Inlaws’ wishes didn’t count. Every year I had to listen to “I you cared anything about your family…”, “young people are selfish,” one guilt trip after another. As for me, I let my kids plan Christmas and I try to be where I’m needed. I absolutely refuse to add to their stress because I know how it feels to be pulled in all directions, only to please no one.
If people mistreat you, don't go. Family or not. Then if the others are supportive they will put them in their place. Most of the time, they go along with them. Not worth the hurt. It's on them.
I have a friend who is a narcissist and addict. She wants to come to St Pete Florida for the holidays. I’m not doing well emotionally and seeking therapy asap. I would probably lose it if she stayed with me. It’s time for some serious boundaries
Victim shaming-in all it's forms-is NEVER OK! Narcissism is the gift that keeps on taking, one piece of you at a time. Put those 2 elements together for a Happy Holiday!!!? No Way! The biggest, shiniest gift under the tree is for YOU! A big 'ol box of Healthy! Enjoy! Stay Healthy!!
My sisters always say remember how dad hated Christmas? No i don't he was cruel and hateful every day of the year. Maybe they think he should have made an effort for Christmas to be decent or I have repressed it like a lot of things. As an adult my husband and I moved 2000 miles so he could be near his sister and her family. On Christmas after they opened the presents to their family from us my sister in law dissappeared for 15 minutes. She hadn't bought us gifts so she wrapped up stuff from her house to give us. I got a clearly used plastic shopping bag. My husband fared a little better. He got a paperback book from their bookshelf. It was a tour guide book for Ireland. We had visited Ireland the previous year with his entire family and had seen them using the book there.
I think she felt bad for having no gifts, so she had to come up with something. She didn't want u to leave empty handed after u gave such nice gifts. U know that old saying ( it's the thought that counts). ❤
I've had a lifetime of experience with NPD and this is my takeaway: a narcissist is someone who avoids being vulnerable out of fear of rejection for their "average self" which they learned was not desired by their family and peers in their early years and as a result they fail to form close bonds with people, and as a result they attempt to compensate for this by attempting to secure relationships solely by exagerrating their superficially attractive qualities alone. This of course is not permanent solution as it's impossible for someone to be the best version of themselves 24/7. Grandiose narcissism = attempting to secure relationships from appearing extremely successful alone, Vulnerable narcissism = attempting to secure relationships through appearing successful despite extreme hardship alone
@MarleyLeMar I have this precise understanding because I myself have been narcissistic and according to my definition I still am, so I'm not the best to give you advice about setting boundaries but I have also survived being abused by other narcissists (as I grew up in a narcissistic family) and the thing I have learned to do is to cut ties, not completely but in respect to how they treat you, for example: if they do something inappropriate, you can talk to them about it, say how you feel, and if they don't respect that or they apologise but carry on behaving the same way you can avoid them and just give some excuse like being busy for say a month or something, and then just increase the time you avoid them each time they misbehave (including them complaining about you avoiding them), that way you don't feel like you're being unreasonable, you're giving them plenty of chances to figure out why not just you but others don't want anything to do with them but you're also not letting them take full advantage of you. It's like extending a criminal's prison sentence, if they want to misbehave until they accumulate a life sentence/you avoiding them completely, then that's on them and you can't say you didn't give them plenty of chances. The problem with people giving 2nd chances is that they do so without any limitations which is why they get exploited. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. An example of this in my life is shortening my communication with my uncle to just emails instead of visits and phone calls, you would be surprised how much easier it is to communicate with a toxic person via text because you're not fully exposed to them and you have time to think carefully about what you say so it doesn't get used against you but you see even then my uncle started to abuse me via email whilst displaying an unsettling and taunting self awareness of what he was doing whilst doing so, so I stopped contacting him completely and I feel no guilt because I gave him plenty of chances and he recently sent me a Christmas card mentioning that we've not been in touch for reasons he doesn't understand, well that's not my problem, I believe the dude knows he's got issues and in which case he needs to get professional help for that. In fact every narcissist does, you have to realise that if they can't see that most people don't like them then you're not going to change them much on your own, they need to see that and seek professional help. Some people will never see their faults and not seek professional help and you can't help them from drowning without drowning yourself as well and that's just a harsh reality we have to be willing to accept.
I’ve had a very tough year. I’ve been very sick and I lost my sweet dog. So, I wanted to spend one thanksgiving alone with my husband of 35 years. No cooking, quiet and peaceful. I gave everyone two months notice. Now, my narcissistic brother-in-law is raging at everyone that I “ruined” thanksgiving. To everyone except me. I get the silent treatment. Funny he doesn’t realize that I don’t care a whit.
I remember a Christmas Eve many years ago where my youngest half-brother out of a sudden started blaming his mother infront of all guests, "You bought wine that was much too cheap!!!" He got angry more and more. His mother felt ashamed more and more. And the end of the song was, that my stepmother kicked out all guests!!! My daughter was still a child and she was of course very confused. I told her with a smile on my face, "At least we have already eaten!" And then she had to laugh.
Thats a shame that everyone else got " punished" and the half brother im assuming had no reprucussions and the step mother just allowed such horrible behavior. Sounds like a page from my own life
The narcs either have no idea how disruptive and anxiety/depression-inducing they are over the holidays, or they know and take perverse pleasure in being a nuisance. Sandwiched by a demanding borderline narc mother and a covert narc spouse who has alienated our children from me, I have been taking a local hotel room for the last 7 Christmases…a bit lonely, but at least peaceful, with just Jesus and me! 📿 🙏
51 years, my husband created a LOT of stress for me at all holidays. I'm finally free of him and looking forward to Christmas this year. A peaceful and wonderful time, stress free.
Happy holidays, Linda!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you. Same to you.
Best Christmas ever! Let it be Christmas!🎄
51 years? You deserve the peace and quiet.
Wow. 51 years is insane. May you love the rest of your years in peace ❤
I feel like I spent over 4 decades of my life in prison for crimes I did not commit. I've finally been sprung and I will not be returning to jail for anyone. Apologies to anyone who might be offended by this analogy as I know there are many innocent people who have done actual time. It's a horrible thing to be falsely accused and imprisoned. Metaphorically, it's the best comparison I have for what has been done to me.
What a great analogy and you nailed it! My mother hated my closeness to my father, my in laws hated my refusal to cow tow or fall into line in their family cult, my step son hated me for the same exact reasons and boy oh boy did they all make me pay. No more, not one more second of my life will go to these circus freaks-let them eat cake.
My goodness, you are still walking on eggshells. It takes time. You didn't say anything wrong as analogies aren't wrong. You are ok and don't apologise for anything sweet lovely person. You are bang on and brilliant. We got you buddy.
Good for you I wish you all the best I know what you have been through
That's wonderful you got away. It certainly is like prison. I did two life sentences + with my narc and finally when the opportunity to escape came, I took it. Freedom is the best!
Your comment speaks to my heart in so many ways. I've spent 3 decades in my "prison" for crimes I didn't commit either. The hardest part was walking out of that prison door because I didn't know or realize it was wide open the whole time.
My crime? I watched child abuse committed by my brother-in-law to his youngest son and thought I was doing the right thing by sharing this with my then new husband and a sister-in-law. I was horrified to see the blank look in my husband's eyes and for him to act like it was no big deal. I find out years later that this much older brother had been abusing my husband for years....The sister-in-law immediately ran to her husband (the other brother) and told him what I said and he confronted me with a SMILE on his face and laughed it off....turns out he's not exactly the nicest guy either.
But the icing on the cake was the news getting back to my mother-in-law and her raging freak out in my face, telling me that her children were "perfect" and that she didn't care if my husband beat up and put me in the hospital, she would take his side and make sure everyone knew that I was the problem. It would be all my fault. For the record, my husband is nothing like his older brothers and has never hit me. We've had normal ups and downs in our marriage, but that's it.
Sorry for carrying on....I am finally in trauma counseling for 3 decades of emotional and mental abuse from my in-laws. My reputation has been shattered and I'm treated with "tolerance" by them because I'm married to their son/brother (who has never witnessed their countless digs and attacks towards me because the mil would always corner me ALONE making it my word against hers). It took 30 years for him to FINALLY see what's going on and believe me.
"Trust your gut." Wow. Just the opposite message we get from narcissistic people in our lives. Thank you for your dedication and hard work to support "team healthy." Happy Holidays!
🎯
Last year I finally said no more to a sister in law comjng to stay for a few days over Christmas….cold silent treatment in return . But oh did I feel free from all the drama and her demands for attention . You and Dr. Ramani have helped me trust myself…I am 75. Thank you for this channel and your support. I have also gone no contact with a brother. It’s hard because others don’t understand.
@@bonniejalsevac7946 Staying connected to supportive communities like Dr C's and Dr Ramani's will help reinforce your wise decision to choose Healthy!
It was a decades long journey for me as well.
Stay Strong and Stay Healthy!!
It is tough and sad, people don’t get it and it’s sad & disappointing when we aren’t given the benefit of the doubt yet the narcissist is given much more grace
There are many people on this channel that get it.
Narcissists seem to be very active this month
Hahah 😂 true 😅🥴
@elinars5638 Hi..I've read that narc season runs from October thru February. That's the time they rear their ugly narc heads the most
I usually never see any fights in public until this month. One time I was in a parking lot and saw a man and woman yelling at each other.
So much stress over the years, I'm amazed I'm amongst the living. My sister, in laws and stepson are Stressstravaganza Olympians and this year we'll be STRESS FREE because we've gone no contact with every one of them. Happy Festivus, one and all!🌲
Festivus for the rest of us!
😂. Happy Festivus.
10:47 Trust your gut: totally!
Many have been faced with such enabling dilemmas. Ask yourself, if these people really care for you, how can they demand you tolerate this entitlement? Will they step up for you when things go wrong? How can they demand you don't let this bother you?
I get it, you may love them (trauma bond?) but at some point please give yourself some love too and if needs be, permit yourself to say No, thank you.
Yes!
Been there. Deep regret over always showing up, not realizing the long term damage to my own husband and child, not to mention myself - my own well-being and joy over the course of my life. Please follow your heart my dear, life is short.. and you are showing your children how to live. Bless you
This Christmas is quiet with only a couple close people, but I’m happy and I’m at peace. The last two Christmas were hard but im finally free from the controlling people and enablers. Merry Christmas Team Healthy and Dr C and I wish you all peace and joy.
Im happy for you 🧡✨️
I wish you as well, peace and joy. I'm still not free from the narcissistic family system,
but I find glimmers of hope in people like you.
Plus, like Summer, I'm happy by seeing happy people, I believe this is a gift in the middle of our devastation.
Nearly a year and a half
that I found out "it was not me".
Nearly a year and a half
I stopped feeling and thinking "it's all my fault. What can I do for repairing????"
Nearly a year and a half
I have known all these lifesavers like dr C 🌟
edit. nearly a year and a half that I have been trying to improve my English 🥴😂
@lishmahlishmah 🧡✨️🫂
Thank you, Jessica!
Thank you for highlighting that it is normal to feel bothered by the narcissist's jabs and controls. People sometimes insinuate that it is my weakness in the face of the narcissist (simply by not wanting to go along with them), not the narcissist's behavior; that is the problem. Thank you for highlighting that we can make our own choices for ourselves when needed.
I'm 34 and this is the first year I'm deciding to stay away from the family. Feels lonely but I asked myself the question, if I started dating a woman and she accepted a certain type of behavior my family gives, I would question her judgment and wonder why I'm with someone that accepts this behavior.
I appreciate all your videos. They've helped me understand more and affirm my decision. Merry Christmas
Best wishes to you!
I’m 39, the (e)scapegoat and this is my third Christmas away from my whole “family”. Christmas in the past have been horrendous occasions. Well meaning neighbours have invited me to Christmas lunch but last year and this year I’ve said I have plans and am basking in the anticipation of a peaceful day. I’m sure in the future I’ll have many happy holiday seasons with people I actually want to spend time with when I find them, but until then… 😊
I haven't spent Christmas with family for decades.
Fortunately I live 3000 km away. I have minimal contact and for years I was totally estranged from them.
I used to have an orphan*s Christmas lunch at my house for many years. You'd be surprised how many people came. Many people are alone at Christmas. Many don't see family at this time.
We used to have great fun!
Thanks for this Dr Carter and best holiday wishes to you too. I am 50 and late diagnosed autistic and have CPTSD and awaiting dissociative disorder assesment. I am single, not much family contact and am unable to work. Channels like yours keep me going. Hi from UK and seasons greetings to everyone. :)
My Dad kept creating so much stress during "the holidays", that sometime in the mid-1970s, I decided I wasn't going to celebrate Christmas in our house anymore. NO more Christmas tree, NO more decorations, NO more "Christmas presents". Result? A HELL of a lot LESS STRESS around here. That's for around 50 years now.
Today, I was not only sleepy but not in the greatest of moods, but I had to run some errands. When I stopped at my new home care agency office, I happened to mention to Lorraine (the office manager, a WONDERFUL lady) that I was kinda stressed out today. She commented, "I think the holidays do that to a lot of people." I replied, "Not in my case. It's more like things going back 40 years." I hope that didn't disturb her too much. The sad truth is, my Dad PERMANENTLY derailed my life, and these days, all I can do is try to enjoy what I can out of what I'm able to do.
Team Healthy has been a HUGE help the last few years.
I usually found Thanksgiving a lot worse than Christmas because it was like I needed to put on a work uniform and hustles all day long or get punished by my parents for not doing enough. One Thanksgiving they made me do the dishes alone in the dark.
👋🏻❤️🩹🫂@henrykujawa4427 Take care! You were missed today. 🌲🌲🌲🌲
The poor children who are captive to the narcs behavior. My alcoholic narc dad could be especially mean at Christmas time.
Dr Carter.....when will someone be interested in our story? Some of us have spent our lives with these freaks and lost EVERYTHING!
The grief you feel is the sign that we are commited to love and truth and honesty and love doesn’t tolerate abuse of any kind. Thank you for your Invaluable help and support dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
Thank you Dr. C
for guiding us through this holiday bumpy road, full of potholes and narcissistic pitfalls.
From the video caption:
" Dr. Les Carter addresses a specific set of circumstances, then *offers sound guidance for managing potential holiday drama* "
Yes, please. Much needed and very welcome 🌼🌿
I was having anxiety attacks when I was over at my mothers house on holidays. After having an anxiety attack on the way to her house in 2013 for Thanksgiving, I decided that's the last time I was ever going to her house again. Thankfully, I worked as a security guard and I could tell her I was working on the holiday. In 2016 I went fully no contact with them. Since then all of the holidays have never been better.
Dr. Carter. I'm a fellow physician. Thank you, I have watched many of your videos. I was kicked out of the house by my mother, a resp therapist, when I didn't get into medical school after college. When I got in, I was welcomed back, then shunned for all of my training. They really don't make sense until you realize they have no respect for honesty, just respect for themselves.
So true, and so sad.
@@SurvivingNarcissism It's very much what kills you doesn't necessarily make you stronger. They just take. Thank you for your videos. Appreciate what you do.
Praise God for Dr Les C. my MENTOR
What a big Heart❤
Ohhh man this was music to my ears. ❤❤❤ Thank you so much for this! I’m going to listen to this on repeat quite a few times in the next couple of days until it sinks in. Thank you thank you thank you!!! ❤🎄🎅🏻🦌
Thank you Dr Carter for taking time to touch on this subject! You have been a tremendous help and support to me and my family! Im so glad there are individuals like you out there that understand this subject enough, and can help the rest of us understand our feelings and emotions. We appreciate you! Blessed Christmas to you and yours... and Gus too❤
Thank you, Sheila.
My children want to go see my narc family for Christmas. I keep telling myself that just for one day it should be okay. But I 'm extremely cautious, for good reason. I go through this every year and during all special occasions.
Take this from somebody who’s put up with it for 30 years and should’ve never been around. The narcissist I was or had my child around him. People are not gonna change they are who they are and it’s not gonna stop no matter how much you want to even if it’s just for one day. This is a serious mental disorder. Narcissistic people see u as a transaction to benefit them. They are not capable of real love or empathy. They cause u drama and pain then smile when your heads turned enjoying it.
Whenever I rationalized, I end up regretting it and wish I had obeyed my intuition. I've learned, when I don't have peace with it, I don't go. Needless to say, I've gone no contact & no longer spend any holidays w/family. The peace it brings me is immeasurable
@@missred2401 I get what you guys are saying, I do. But " low contact" is a real thing. And for me right now, this is the option I'm choosing. I realize more than anyone how horrible these people are.I'm not able to go no contact yet, someday I will be. I'm putting the safeguards in place. Because t think it's a combination of that and when the time comes, it's over. They never will Expect it
I figured that I would add my holiday stress story to Dr. Carter's comment section.
In 2022, I was invited to my son's house for Christmas 🎄 ⛄🎁 dinner. My sister and my younger son were also invited. So I asked him what time was dinner? He said dinner was at 3pm. He also asked if I had heavy whipping cream? I told him that I had the cream and would bring it to his house at 3pm. I didn't want to go to his house earlier because he specifically said 3pm and he has a bad temper.
Anyway, my younger son picked us up at 2:30pm and while we were on the way, my older son called my younger son and was yelling at him complaining that we were not there yet. My younger son was very hurt and backed out because he didn't appreciate being screamed at by my older son for us not being there yet (it was 2:45pm). My sister and I decided to go through with it. So we got there and my son was complaining the whole time that he has so much to do and the kids were running around and it's just too much. I offered to help him. He responded by saying that I don't understand because the baby has autism. I told him that the baby is fine, he's just being a child. He wasn't doing anything to hurt himself, he was just running back and forth from the living room into the kitchen. I started to feel very uncomfortable because he spoke to me as if I was incompetent to notice if the baby was going to do something to hurt himself. He continued complaining very vocally that he has to do everything and that it's just too much. I didn't know what to do or say so I just sat there in the living room quietly waiting for him to ask for my help. So he finally put the dinner on the table. I was feeling quite uncomfortable at that point and then when I went to sit down at the table for dinner, I didn't notice that the baby had crawled into the chair. So I went to sit and sat down for about 5 seconds and then immediately sat right back up after I noticed the baby was in the chair. The baby was fine UNTIL his father screamed bloody murder at me for sitting on the baby. This caused the baby to start crying. At that point, I felt as if I was being accused of a crime. The other children were seated at the table, frozen and didn't utter a word. I then told my son that I was no longer hungry and that I had preferred to go home. My sister agreed. My son then yelled at me that if I go home to never come there again. I politely told my son that I just prefer to go home because I will not be spoken to in that manner. It's disrespectful, inappropriate and it's embarrassing. I was very hurt and upset.
I sat in his living room while they had dinner until my younger son picked us up. The kids were sitting at the table and didn't say a word. I told them to enjoy your dinner and I love you, Merry Christmas.
Later that evening, I called my son and tried to reason with him. I told him that screaming at people is inappropriate and that he hurt my younger son's feelings in addition to my sister's and my feelings. I tried explaining that when you bark orders at people and rage at people like a toddler melting down, it drives people away. His response was "I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need anyone."
I simply don't have the energy to tolerate these types of people. You can't reason with them and it's exhausting. They ruin every holiday. I haven't heard from them since and it's sad.
I hear you!
You need to give yourself permission to make your own best decisions for you and your immediate family. That Airbnb sounds exciting! ❤
I don't know where I will be next year for the holidays but I expect it is going to look very different.
I love that my present situation only allows me to say “Yes” or “No.” I decide. Where do you WANT to be?
Would you ever do a video on narcissism based on generations? Is there a higher prevalence of NPDs at different points in history?
Three years ago, I cut all contact with my covertly narcissistic mother. As a result, I also severed ties with my brother and his family. This is the third year that I’m not celebrating Christmas with my other family members, and I’m perfectly fine with that.
After two years of not sending anything, this year my mother decided to send me a Christmas card. Others might see this as a thoughtful gesture or an attempt to reconcile, but I know better. Her actions are carefully concealed as a kind gesture, ensuring that anyone observing from the outside would see her in a positive light. However, I know she isn’t trying to mend our relationship; she’s trying to insert herself into my Christmas, making sure I think about her. For her, it’s not about me but about maintaining the illusion of the perfect Christmas that fits the narrative she has constructed for herself.
She cannot stand the idea of people not thinking about her because she believes everything that happens in anyone's life must revolve around her. Her actions are an attempt to make me crumble under the pressure, so she can regain control and have things her way. But no one-and I truly mean no one, not even a parent-has the right to impose stress on others to force their will. I’ve realized that the only way to handle this is to acknowledge the card’s existence, set it aside, and move on. While the stress isn’t entirely gone, it has been reduced to a minimal level, and I find peace in knowing I’m no longer playing her game. Neither I, nor YOU for that matter, owe anyone anything in this regard.
The sad truth is that she herself is a victim of a terrible childhood and an upbringing filled with misery and humiliation. Her behavior stems from a coping strategy that helps her stay afloat in a harsh world. As for a pleasant Christmas with family? She could have that easily-if only she could let go of her compulsive behavior. But sadly, she cannot.
Hugs to dear Gus and Dr. c
Merry merry Christmas and God bless you and your family.
From Cynthia Ann in JANESVILLE, WI
Thanks, Cynthia!
As a child, as an adolescent and as a very young adult...
I didn't understand *the connection*
between what happened
*in the church* (meaning the church-building and the church-people)
and *what happened at home* , in my parents' house,
just before (!) and just after (!) the church. That "just before" and "just after" usually meant also _in the car_ 🥴 .
Indeed, there was No Connection at all.
Ok, we are all humans and flawed and fallible, but... That was something different.
Anyhow, and obviously, as a child, I found a different answer in order to maintain my sanity. I didn't know at that time, but trauma was the only "healthy" response I was able to give... a healthy response becoming quite unhealthy during a child growth, if it goes on for a bunch of years.
You make so much sense!
@SurvivingNarcissism
Yes, now it makes much sense even all that weird "pattern".
And, just for the record, after many years from that pattern, while I thought something has changed upside down in my parents house... It was just a different facade with the same underlying pattern. In other words, my mother decided to become an "important person" for the parish... So, faith & religion became topics to speak about in her house. She is now "the teacher", of course 😄🥴 .
As for me... after abandoning the church for about 2 decades, I was on a long journey of spirituality, faiths, religions, philosophy, theology, biblical studies, etc... And then, I came back to my Christian faith, with a very different awareness.
I believe it was (somehow) like the first light, the beginning of a mindset, the preparation for discovering many other realities in my life, and step after step, also the very first base grounding, the very first core inside of me to be able to see and understand the reality of the serious narcissistic abuse I went through.
I think this time, I mean Christmas time, is a good time to say it.
Everyone here in Team Healthy has their story and their path. This has been my path to arrive here. This long wordy talk is... for anyone who likes to know one of all possible paths.
I'm not guilty, I'm grieving. Thank you, Dr.!
What bothers me is how it seems accepted in our culture for narcissists to cause drama during holidays. To the point where it’s sometimes seen as humorous. Even tv shows and movies show this as either funny or it could be frightening based on the tone.
Great point!
Thanks, Dr.C. what a lovely surprise ❤
Be your happy self ..the one who see you will come around patience in this awakening.. be calm.. don't react keep your distance..in the room
I don't want to feel obligated to put up with narcissist drama. It occurs to me my dad almost always ruined any family outing we went to. Before my parents divorced my mom stopped joining us. That caused me a lot of anxiety. I loved my dad, but boy he could be difficult.
I am spending my holidays fighting an elderly abuse case with my narcist mom. Imagine not seeing her for almost 3-years and getting served with a temp restraining order for her lies. Happy holidays everyone. This is a nightmare and so much for planinng to stay away.
I really like the distinction between grief and guilt. For me, it's my SIL who controls access to my brother and has for many years. I'm finally cutting way back on contact after decades of snide remarks to me and outright nasty arguments for me not going 100% along with what she believes or wants to do. We were at a restaurant with other people I'd brought along so her behaviour would be better, but at one point she was shouting about something in a book written 30 years ago that none of us cared about. I can grieve not being closer to a family member, but I don't need to feel guilty for no longer being willing to be treated badly.
So thankful! Though I don't face this situation now, listening to this video provided healing as I recall past holidays. The validation brings so much relief that I am breathing easier right now. Thank you to the person who wrote this comment and for Dr. C's tremendously healing response. ❤ To Team Healthy.
Love You Dr. Les. You have been so Helpful for me navigating my narcissistic husband, brother and sister.
So pleased for you, Lisa!
This is so great! Thank you! It illuminates so many significant areas in which I need to improve; ex. grief versus guilt and trusting yourself based on personal integrity. I'm so excited because I can see these are major failings. (Does anyone really just know these things?)
It’s so nice to finally (after many years of emotional effort!) to not have to deal with or see or meet or spend time with any one that makes me feel bad, including drama antagonists and toxic codependents who inevitably entangle with the narcissist or just harsh the vibe with their goddam drama negativity manipulating pot stirring judging antics and behaviors. I no longer feel obligated to engage or lose my precious life time with any of that. It’s damn freeing!!! 🎉 Happy Holidays indeed.
For 30+ years, I've felt like the cleverest Holiday Hacker, for sidestepping my N. mother's Christmas demands for my children, my spouse and me to spend ALL Christmas Eve and Day festivities with her, instead of giving my in-laws, even a sliver of their son and grandchildren at Christmastime. (Seriously, I've BRAGGED about my cleverness on this 🙄)
Naturally, Christmas had always been stressful with a narcissistic parent, so to avoid any interruption in her annual holiday stress-fest, I CHANGED my family's Christmas morning to Christmas Eve morning to appease my mother's selfish demands, and even though MY life was made exceedingly more stressful now that I was having to produce a full Christmas Eve/Morning a day early, and, still having to produce a full Christmas for family/friends at my parents' house, too - but at least I dodged that wrath that made my holidays so complete! How do I feel about my clever "solution" now? Well, now, Dr.C., looking back, I don't feel clever, not at all. I. FEEL. TRICKED. (and more than a little foolish). Merry Christmas Dr. C and Team Healthy!
Merry Christmas to you and yours from Budapest, Dr. Carter. I'm grateful for all you've done to help us this year (and before). Judit
Thanks so much, Judit. Glad to be there with you in Budapest.
I missed the first 4 Christmases after we were married. I was dead tired and sleeping after All-nighters working on projects for customers.
"Everything is a Christmas Present"---- deadlines for "showing-off" new custom furniture. 😊 Our son was born on the third year.
One time at a coffeeshop just before Christmas, I was in-line behind a Sheriff, and I said that line. Oh boy! Did she have some great stories.....
"You ruined our Christmas"..... a citizen said to the Sheriff when she made a "domestic abuse" call to an elite neighborhood.
I loved Christmas until I married into my husband's family. My mother-in-law made ALL holidays miserable. Screaming, starting fights, critical comments and acting like all of us should pay her homage. She passed away in 2019 and it was the best Christmas we ever had at their home.
Drama is stress. Tell them I dont want to be involved in it and I dont want to hear it thank you, especially during my holidays.
If they dont have something good to offer, then don't offer it at all, especially drama.
I don't think they'll listen to you.
@Rachel-mz8ko then I don't have to listen to them. I won't get involved. It would be, if you want to ruin my holidays, I can go somewhere else.
If I knew it was going to be like that anyway. They would know my solution. I would repeat my solution until they come around.
@@Rachel-mz8kothe truth is we don't get along. That's what I'd say to those who want to listen. I know the vision of my holidays and it doesn't include drama. My argument will always be NO Drama Please! If that gets sorted, then I have a foot in the door of it not being repeated.
I can be quiet as a lamb if need be and remove myself if need be.
My ex could ruin every holiday, pitting people against each other, spreading lies, starting arguments, etc. I jumped off the merry go round and now holidays are something to look forward to rather than dread.
My Ex’s-GF would ruin holidays and for that matter vacations with anger episodes she called “tantrums.” (She was in her sixties) This holiday meals at my side of the family were the ones she knew I would be the most humiliated and serve as the most injurious to me. The worst one was after we arrived home to my house she became so irrational and angry I thought I would have to call the police. I tried communicating with her, but me telling her my trepidation was almost a trigger for her to start something! Point being, she wanted to hurt me. Instead of having a good time and few laughs it was torture for me waiting for the shoe to drop. These, episodes took their toll. I finally, after the last one, just left for good, after almost nine years. I had told her I was at the point of leaving and it didn’t matter. I clung to the idea that she would change. That love was the answer. Ha!.
It always makes me wonder, how many narcissists follow this channel and utter phrases like "thats so true" about family members that are just creating boundaries with them, but in their own hubris, they're thinking they're the victim of narcissism.
MERRY CHRISTMAS to you, Dr. C & family. ✝️ 🎄 🇨🇽 🎅 🧑🎄
Happy holidays!
Thank you for this timely message!!
False guilt. Thanks so much for pointing it out. 😊
I let them know, that I'll see them after the festive season, if required, as I have things happening.. It works a treat.
During a Christmas family gathering, a nice cozy fire was lit for everyone to enjoy. My covert SIL was not happy about it and played the victim as usual. She ended up going outside in the cold and sulking so everyone would give her some attention. Ha! Not me. So glad I've gone no contact with her for the past 2 years. Never again will I have to put up with that during the Holidays. Thank you Dr. C! ❤
Wow, why was she upset about the fire?
@Hatbox948 Hi...she said she was too hot. Haha! The fire was just comfortable for everyone. But you know narcs...they have to complain and whine and sulk about any little thing. Plus they need their supply and attention. So glad to get rid of her in my life!
...and every other day too!
Dr Carter, you are dancing out of the line today. 🤭
Yep!
😂🍾🍾💃💃
I'm dancing too, all the way to peace and self acceptance and freedom..
Thank you Lord for people like this Dr who shares his wisdom. Bless and keep him, He's doing Your work and helping set people free.
In Jesus name, Amen🙏❤
I love the title of this video it made me chuckle. So true.
Prayers for Me please. I'm dealing with my N right now. I'm confident about my future without them though. Thanks be to God ✝️
3 words: find your peace.
I am so very Happy last few yrs. Peace and joy. No Drama.. anymore😊
Dr C, can you speak about depression during the holidays? Some of use, are extremely depressed during this time of year.
Thank you.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season, too.
Same to you, Jackie.
I think about 6 years ago I went to a family outing that I didn't go to for at least 10-15 years.. Yup.. It was still as crazy as ever.. Glad I don't go anymore.. No I would not like some stressing with my mashed potatoes;)
A family member's ex invited me to visit, all expenses paid. I accepted. In October. The day before Thanksgiving, I was given an ultimatum - Choose her, or family member. The tickets were purchased, for December 6. Other people have visited, including family member's son. But, there are different rules for me. I said I'm not playing your game. Family member is never speaking to me again. Oh well. This person also ruined my birthday.
It's "family member"s CHOICE to be such an A**H***. If they're gonna be that way, it just shows what they're really like. You're better off without them.
Narcissists love to serve stress for the holidays because it's a delicate audience to gain supply first level.
They love humiliating someone in front of an audience, ganging up on them like a bunch of bullies. Then they point out that your reaction to that is the problem supposedly
"Trust yourself, you are a person of integrity." Thank you, Dr C, for reminding me that Christmas can be a difficult time. I am not sure who is turning up for Christmas lunch. and that's OK. I love leftovers, I usually make gifts but I have realised some people just don't appreciate it, and others shame me for the truly beautiful things I create. That's OK, $5 Aldi chocolates are tasty. I am focusing on peace, faith and freedom. It's a journey. Bless you, Gus, the family and Michaela with many thanks for your work in 2024. Merry Christmas, Dr C.
All the best for Christmas to you and your family
Thank you, David.
You’re the best, Dr C. Words cannot express my gratitude for your sage insights.
Thank you and happy holidays, Dr. Carter! 🤶🏻🎄❄️🕊️
Thanks, Jennifer.
@ You’re welcome ☺️
Mine happened on Father's Day .I sware Angel's were watching over me that day. I didn't
Realize until the next day. I was saved.
Thank you Dr Carter ❤
Linda Moore. I am so very Happy For you. 😊
No contact. No stress ❤ Healthy Christmas 🎄
I like soooo much your wish
« Healthy Christmas »
. Also because this feast is "healthy" per se 🌟 since its origin ✨✨
Thank you 🧡✨✨✨
TEAM HEALTHY 🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤
Even healthier to not do the pagan holidays too
@hopeforever0717 but where's the fun in that!
Seriously though, enjoy life however you want to.
It would be awesome to have a family that could enjoy the holiday season together. I'm ok, it would be nice though
🙂🙃🙂 I will enjoy church service, the people, the christmas songs, and holiday spirit. 😊🎄👏 ☃️
Thank you @Jessica. What a lovely way to be included. Have a very merry peaceful holiday season 😊 ☺️ Dr. and Mrs. Carter /family. Team Healthy, happy Holiday's,
and won't cry til Wednesday. 😊
It's a wonderful life ... without narcissists around causing mayhem ....
Makes me want to sing!
Good attitude 👍!!!!!!❤
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Same to you 🧡🎄✨️
Ever since I got married in 1973 Christmas has been extremely stressful. My grandma insisted that everyone come to her house on Christmas. She pressured Mother to pressure us. This insistence started in mid-November. Inlaws’ wishes didn’t count. Every year I had to listen to “I you cared anything about your family…”, “young people are selfish,” one guilt trip after another. As for me, I let my kids plan Christmas and I try to be where I’m needed. I absolutely refuse to add to their stress because I know how it feels to be pulled in all directions, only to please no one.
I know where I would be telling them to shovel their so-called holiday
If people mistreat you, don't go. Family or not. Then if the others are supportive they will put them in their place. Most of the time, they go along with them. Not worth the hurt. It's on them.
TV
thank you for posting this ❤
I have a friend who is a narcissist and addict. She wants to come to St Pete Florida for the holidays. I’m not doing well emotionally and seeking therapy asap. I would probably lose it if she stayed with me. It’s time for some serious boundaries
I’m in Crystal River & no contact with anybody from my family or past ☮️
How Many Christmases
And on and on...and on
I'm only in touch with the family members I love
I've stayed away from the Narc-holes for 10 years
Where’s Gus. Your videos have saved me a ton of stress.
Thank you so much. Forgot to say all the very best for the holidays to you and yours ❤️🙏🏼
Victim shaming-in all it's forms-is NEVER OK!
Narcissism is the gift that keeps on taking, one piece of you at a time.
Put those 2 elements together for a Happy Holiday!!!?
No Way!
The biggest, shiniest gift under the tree is for YOU!
A big 'ol box of Healthy!
Enjoy!
Stay Healthy!!
"the gift that keeps on taking" GREAT phrase!
Love the title of this video!!! So funny.😊
My sisters always say remember how dad hated Christmas? No i don't he was cruel and hateful every day of the year. Maybe they think he should have made an effort for Christmas to be decent or I have repressed it like a lot of things. As an adult my husband and I moved 2000 miles so he could be near his sister and her family. On Christmas after they opened the presents to their family from us my sister in law dissappeared for 15 minutes. She hadn't bought us gifts so she wrapped up stuff from her house to give us. I got a clearly used plastic shopping bag. My husband fared a little better. He got a paperback book from their bookshelf. It was a tour guide book for Ireland. We had visited Ireland the previous year with his entire family and had seen them using the book there.
Don't take it personally. Your sister-in-law is to be pitied.
I think she felt bad for having no gifts, so she had to come up with something. She didn't want u to leave empty handed after u gave such nice gifts. U know that old saying ( it's the thought that counts). ❤
Wonderful holiday video! Thank you, Dr. C!
Dear Dr C, I would like to wish you and your family happy holidays. You and team healthy are a constant source of inspiration. Thank you
Thanks so much, Giulia.
Beautiful loving and peaceful advice dearest Dr C❤️🎄🕊️
You are quite welcome, Tina!
I've had a lifetime of experience with NPD and this is my takeaway: a narcissist is someone who avoids being vulnerable out of fear of rejection for their "average self" which they learned was not desired by their family and peers in their early years and as a result they fail to form close bonds with people, and as a result they attempt to compensate for this by attempting to secure relationships solely by exagerrating their superficially attractive qualities alone. This of course is not permanent solution as it's impossible for someone to be the best version of themselves 24/7. Grandiose narcissism = attempting to secure relationships from appearing extremely successful alone, Vulnerable narcissism = attempting to secure relationships through appearing successful despite extreme hardship alone
So clear and compassionate. Thank you. I'm curious -- How have you done your boundary work?
@MarleyLeMar I have this precise understanding because I myself have been narcissistic and according to my definition I still am, so I'm not the best to give you advice about setting boundaries but I have also survived being abused by other narcissists (as I grew up in a narcissistic family) and the thing I have learned to do is to cut ties, not completely but in respect to how they treat you, for example: if they do something inappropriate, you can talk to them about it, say how you feel, and if they don't respect that or they apologise but carry on behaving the same way you can avoid them and just give some excuse like being busy for say a month or something, and then just increase the time you avoid them each time they misbehave (including them complaining about you avoiding them), that way you don't feel like you're being unreasonable, you're giving them plenty of chances to figure out why not just you but others don't want anything to do with them but you're also not letting them take full advantage of you. It's like extending a criminal's prison sentence, if they want to misbehave until they accumulate a life sentence/you avoiding them completely, then that's on them and you can't say you didn't give them plenty of chances. The problem with people giving 2nd chances is that they do so without any limitations which is why they get exploited. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
An example of this in my life is shortening my communication with my uncle to just emails instead of visits and phone calls, you would be surprised how much easier it is to communicate with a toxic person via text because you're not fully exposed to them and you have time to think carefully about what you say so it doesn't get used against you but you see even then my uncle started to abuse me via email whilst displaying an unsettling and taunting self awareness of what he was doing whilst doing so, so I stopped contacting him completely and I feel no guilt because I gave him plenty of chances and he recently sent me a Christmas card mentioning that we've not been in touch for reasons he doesn't understand, well that's not my problem, I believe the dude knows he's got issues and in which case he needs to get professional help for that. In fact every narcissist does, you have to realise that if they can't see that most people don't like them then you're not going to change them much on your own, they need to see that and seek professional help. Some people will never see their faults and not seek professional help and you can't help them from drowning without drowning yourself as well and that's just a harsh reality we have to be willing to accept.
Thank you. ❤️
I’ve had a very tough year. I’ve been very sick and I lost my sweet dog. So, I wanted to spend one thanksgiving alone with my husband of 35 years. No cooking, quiet and peaceful. I gave everyone two months notice. Now, my narcissistic brother-in-law is raging at everyone that I “ruined” thanksgiving. To everyone except me. I get the silent treatment. Funny he doesn’t realize that I don’t care a whit.
My narcissist gets crazier by the day!
Merry Christmas Dr. C 🎉
Thanks!
YES!
This will be my 4th year of peace staying out of that mess
Enjoy Christmas ❤ .keep it simple
Mine made me dread Christmas
I remember a Christmas Eve many years ago where my youngest half-brother out of a sudden started blaming his mother infront of all guests, "You bought wine that was much too cheap!!!" He got angry more and more. His mother felt ashamed more and more.
And the end of the song was, that my stepmother kicked out all guests!!!
My daughter was still a child and she was of course very confused. I told her with a smile on my face, "At least we have already eaten!" And then she had to laugh.
🫂 🧡
Thats a shame that everyone else got " punished" and the half brother im assuming had no reprucussions and the step mother just allowed such horrible behavior. Sounds like a page from my own life
The narcs either have no idea how disruptive and anxiety/depression-inducing they are over the holidays, or they know and take perverse pleasure in being a nuisance. Sandwiched by a demanding borderline narc mother and a covert narc spouse who has alienated our children from me, I have been taking a local hotel room for the last 7 Christmases…a bit lonely, but at least peaceful, with just Jesus and me! 📿 🙏
I don" t speak with them anymore, I couldn 't find another way to survive