If you have survived a narcissistic family, you're the bravest soul out there. Because they're so exhausting and deplete every bit of your resourcefulness.
The worst part of being in a narcissistic relationship is breaking free as you will face a myriad of challenges of finding yourself again and heal from the emotional wounds. However, the real victory comes from reclaiming your power and self-identity.
@@Seanus32It’s important to have a strong support system, those you can connect with and speak with those who have had similar experiences. A therapist can help. Also what you are doing now is a good first step by watching these videos and educating yourself about narcissistic abuse and reaching out to people in these communities who have been through similar experiences. Take time to go out more and discover things you like and are passionate about and find your purpose in them. Also take good care of your physical health. Exercise and a healthy diet.
Beautifully said. I relate entirely. I had a taste of that victory, and then found myself back under my parent's roof and learned, for real, who he always was. He was the one I broke free from. We have to educate ourselves and others, so we always know what to stay away from, and to protect what we worked hard to reclaim.
As someone without a support system per se, what worked for me was online resources like this one that make a world of difference. Keep watching, learning, and checking in with your own heart, you will find your way out, even if out means just being safe within yourself.
Made me remember that in the 5 years I was with my ex narc, he never bought me anything on Valentine s day. As a matter of fact, include Easter, Christmas and Birthday as well...
Some of the things on that list we even tell ourselves. "Maybe he has changed. He is trying. Maybe I am too sensitive, etc." That's when you're in real trouble because they've gotten inside your head and cause you to question your own view of reality. Thank you for writing this book, Dr. Ramani.❤
Patterns of behavior. And realizing that I don't have to fight for my basic human rights with someone who genuinely cares about me. So it still colors today"s interactions.
… It appears that this specific disconnected, uneducated comment, was directly written by an actual NARCISSIST that has absolutely NO idea the long-term psychological damage that they’ve inflicted upon others!
Survivors can be amazingly strong, mentally fit, and able to out maneuver. They can manage a war without confrontation. They can adapt and adjust to changes. These are SUPER POWERS for a lifetime.
Narcissists:They are totally insecure. Winning defines them at the cost of others!! Behind closed doors they are completely different than in public !! They never change🤯
Sadly, I told myself some of these things to justify staying in narc relationships. You are right that no one discusses what happens to the victims of this emotional abuse. I think we all have our own stories to tell and we can encourage and educate others as a way of healing. Thank you Dr. Ramini💕
My narcissistic parent "raised me" on most of those messages. His enablers reinforced them. I was shamed for planning my future and being excited about it, and by then, all those messages were engrained in my mind. So I decided to "do the right thing." I stayed. It was a lot of manipulation and abuse that I didn't see. It took me a decade to come around and get back to taking care of myself, going back to school, etc.. It was lovely. But still unaware of the dangers of narcissism, I believed he did want to "help me," as he said when I was devastated by a number of things. I moved back in. Then all the lights came on, the abuse was horrific, I was stuck for a bit, and he fooled most everyone into believing his story and those who knew it was a lie were threatened into silence. I was ostracized completely. We have to tell our stories, and remain visible. We matter.
The day I decided I'd rid my life of anyone who enabled or stanned for my Narc parents, I lost over a thousand pounds of garbage. You don't have to justify yourself or your choices to anybody. Surround yourself with the few who get it. A single one of them is worth more than a hundred flying monkeys. I'm often alone but never lonely. The day I became my own best ally was the day I truly began to heal. I wish healing and peace to everyone who has been or still is going through this. Don't make yourself smaller for anyone.
I would kill for a husband that vacuums I wish my husband was a clean as yours. The most difficult part of this process is looking back on the last 30 years of my marriage- I would share with my friends the little things he was doing. If I would vacuum the house, he would come home and “fix it” if I cleaned the counters he would “sanitize them for me” if I left laundry in the washer for even 30 minutes he would tell me I needed to re-wash everything . He would change the lint trap in the middle of the load because “it was going to catch fire” I was sure he had OCD… but no. He knew my greatest weakness was I felt “unclean” from past issues. He weaponized my greatest trauma. And spent years shaming me for “not being clean enough “ all the while looking so good to the outside world and making me look petty because I complained about how “clean” he is. No one saw this as abuse, until I saw your video on self-righteous narcissists. I no longer feel crazy. Thank you so much.
@@patriciasalem3606 Goodness yes! To be accused of manifesting the issues in one’s head and somehow all have to endure our tra la la fantasies. And that spouse/family member sits amongst them shaking their head seeking unwarranted pity/justifications
Ive heard this while they use me as a sounding board for things that have nothing to do with me that happend years ago. So the message is, your problems are irrelevant compared to mine.
I thought I was going crazy, not being able to understand the man i was with, flip-flopping, ranting, put downs, hate speech, on and on... i felt like the worst person on earth. When i learned about narcissists, thanks to people like you, i know im ok they are the lost ones, I dont cry, i dont ask questions, I accept that he is who he is and he hates me because i am better than he is. And i dont care anymore about him finding happiness because he cant. Thank you for helping me see his brain at work.
Yes....."you don't know how good you've got it!!!" People won't even listen to what you have to say, they look at the outward appearance, outside the home, and the narcissist almost always is glorified. They've destroyed my life because I didn't have the info or understanding of what I was facing.... Now I'm old, it doesn't matter, I know who and what they were.
The "you dont know how good you have it!" Could be their justification in covertly smearing or sabatoging you out of jealousy and not wanting to know they just made your life even more difficult than it was. Not always the case but in mine it was. They were envious and jealous of the outward part of things and the felt justified in humbling me when in reality I have PTSD and MS. But live in a nice home?!
@@Jess-kn8vl Yep, they are so envious and jealous, they do everything to sabotage your individuality (make you feel invisible and insignificant) and crush your independence. PTSD doesn't ever really go away, no matter how far from these people you get. Blessings to you Jess xo
The “you don’t know how good you have it” line is the one my narcissistic father used…when barely providing my physical needs like shelter, clothes, and food. In fact, I had none of these things at various times in my upbringing, but because I didn’t do the dishes to his ever-changing standards (they were always sparkling when I did them, by the way, while raising his child too and doing schoolwork more advanced than he could ever do - physics anyone?) I was the evil one who should be on the streets at 15. It’s amazing I survived, and not only that but started true recovery. And it’s all thanks to these videos that keep my perspective alive.
And those come when you dare to open to someone and talk about their outrages, if you don’t say a word you only get told “oh, you are so lucky, I wish I had someone like him” or “my dear, he loves you so much! I wish someone loved me that way” And then you know nobody would believe how they really are 😢
Totally. It's 25 years after my divorce, and I'm still being told my ex is a "good guy." They chose him over me in a family dynamic a decade ago then lied about keeping in touch with him. It's only because my mother - also a narcissist - wanted to hurt me that she gleefully told me at Thanksgiving that my siblings are still friendly with my ex and in-laws. My sister betrayed me with my ex years ago, and when I got (rightfully) upset with her, my family turned on ME. I forgave her after a long time, and she did it again! It just never stops.
Alot of traditional publishers are not interested in advocating against narc abuse. I ended up self publishing a book on Amazon titled " anti narcissist poetry." In the back of the book I thank therapeutic UA-cam community for educating on narcissistic abuse. Your name is included. Thank you for all you do.
The trigger list: "He never says any bad thing about you, he loves you so much" "I never have any problem with him" "You are too sensitive" "No marriage is perfect" "It was only a joke" "You have so nice family be grateful" "Maybe you should look at your own behavior" "Be nice" "Maybe it's you" "You don't respect him" "That's your version" "Let it go" "He means well" "You are too needy" "Is it really that bad" "Just leave"...
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
I was in a relationship like that. He was so sexual at first and I felt I’d found someone to match my drive and desire. Left my home to move to another state and be his wife. A year later he was barely looking at me but looking at everyone else. Treating me like there was something wrong with me, that I was ugly. Meanwhile all this cheating comes to light. It was awful. Fortunately, I never lost my self-esteem as a woman but I did lose my drive because I can not trust and be free like that again. So sad to have lost so much of me. For a bit part in a very bad movie instead of a wonderful real love affair.
Lars week we made 22 yrs together. With in a yr he was Les sexual and would proceed to make me feel like I was a peeve because I wanted to have sex once a week. Would not talk about needs and would shut it down in a way that I felt like a sex addict and like I was bothering him. Minimizing and patronizing me and my needs. Last night I spoke with my friend who I love and trust. Boy did the conversation go bad. She doesn’t understand. She thinks his texting other women for 4 yrs. Isn’t really cheating. The lying gaslighting and dating apps. All that I have discovered isn’t bad. Leave or let it go. I’m being sensitive. I cried last night so much because I felt not believed and the pain that it comes from a trusted person. Doesn’t understand I’m on third chance, can’t leave quickly because of money. Have grown sick kids. I will leave. I KNOW I WILL. Just not right now. I know what my needs are. They don’t know. Sitting at a park right now trying to find my peace again.🙏🫶 it’s not you is a good name for the book. Who ever needs to read this. Go at your pace. Know who will push you to purpose. Never forget to be gentle with yourself. You’ve got this
Such people are no sh*tty there's no words... They use partner and take them as granted..it's like they only come in relationship or marriage just to ruin partner... normally being healthy sexual is good..not like sexualised mindset always sex,sex.. having gaps also normal according to situation ,sexual drives becoming less according to age is normal too..but when they don't even able to give it and all they give excuses then surely it's bad luck for any person to have such partner... sometimes idk what to think about such people..I hate them so much...
Yes, I LOVE that proverb. That, combined with Maya Angelou’s “there’s no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you” , that’s about it, the narcissistic abuse experience in a nutshell.
This applies so much in the work place too. I recently had an issue with a person in a senior leadership position and the response I received from my boss was "just try to make it work between you two, you know how she is, she's had a rough go of things over the past few years". I replied "no, this is how she is because this is WHO she is".
When I met my ex for the very first time she said "ugh, the past year has been so hard for me. My relationship has been struggling and on the rocks." Then a year later when we were best friends. "My life is so tough right now. My partner makes me so sad and depressed. He always nags me. I'm really going through a lot." Then another year later when we started dating, "You really are bothering me right now. I can't catch a break, I'm really going through a lot, you know. And you whining to me and being needy isn't pleasant." Then after I found out she hadn't broken up with her partner like she told/when we broke up, "You know how hard this year has been for me! My partner doesn't listen, you don't listen. Both of you stress me out. This is both your fault, if he didn't nag and you weren't so needy none of this would have happened." A year after we broke up a mutual friend and I talk and apparently my ex told her they were having "a rough year". Point in case, they are always having a bad day, bad night, bad year and you are the problem or their allergies are the problem, or their mom is sick in the hospital is that problem. If your child is sick with a cold, their child is worse off with the flu. If your dog had surgery and you are worried for your pet, their dog died of doggy cancer and they can't stop crying. They always have it worse off than you.
@@specialtwice4975 So true. But the way you told the story made it a little bit funny. Not that narcissism is funny. It's hell. But trying to find a way to laugh tonight after getting a gut punch reality check that "No, he doesn't care about you. Is this finally, finally the proof you needed to walk away?"
I have heard so many of these things. A total mind mess. It’s really damaged my mental health and my life. Focusing on my well being. Grateful to learn so much here. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
It takes two to tango. They didn’t mean it. It was just once. They’re just busy with work. They are under a lot of pressure. Every relationship is rough. You aren’t trying hard enough. Well, what did you say?! You should give them a break. You don’t know what hardship is. It’s your parents, you only get one set. They are from another time, it was different back then. Your generation is weak. When are you going to leave. But look what they did for you. Other people like it. You’re weird. You sound crazy. Was it really-that- bad? If it was so bad, why didn’t you leave? You should be grateful, you have ____. It’s better than being alone.
You only get one set of parents. Well what do we know about the night we were conceived? Too much wine perhaps? Im just saying, not every set of parents have kids because they plan to.
I can add to the list… “Oh you don’t get along with anybody”, (then they name other people you don’t have contact with who are also narcissists). Or… “You only get one mother/father”. Or… “But he/she loves you!” Or… “It’s typical for adult children to think their parents made mistakes”. Or… “All families are dysfunctional”.
Get it got it good. That’s what I heard. He was my savior…somebody once said he’s not yelling it’s just the way he talks. My children are traumatized because I stayed so long.
This is one of your best talks yet, Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you so much. I am going to keep telling my lion story even if “they” don’t believe me or think I should be grateful for the good parts,etc…. I am so ready to be free of all the insanity
You know how Strong you are when you are free from Narcissists. Sadly when your parents were narcissist you may find a pattern with the partners we connect with. More narcissists., Especially if you are a kind, empathetic heart. If you are walking on eggshells in your relationship, run and don't look back for your peace of mind. Send them peace, knowing that hurt people, hurt people and healed people heal people. Sending loving kindness 🙏💜
Dr. Ramani, thank you for this validation. I have heard most of that list coming from mouths of therapists and family over the years. Family, easier for me to to disregard their ignorant comments. However from the therpists whom I paid good amount of money to and I expected professionalism, to me is unforgivable.
My fam always says, "THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD" !!!!!!! ❤❤❤👍 (I hate when they say that, like oh, I should just be thankful even tho it was abusive...)
1. You're too sensitive. 2. You have no right to diagnose someone else. 3. You're a bad person for being critical of someone who has NPD. That's an illness you know. 4. You have unrealistic expectations. 5. Everyone has something going on. You can't expect them to be perfect. 6. They had a tough back story too. 7. C'on, there are good things in the relationship, focus on them instead. 8. They're just yelling, it's not abuse. Let it go. 9. They're just speaking they're mind and keeping it real. 10. Stop taking them so seriously, they don't mean it. 11. You aren't perfect either. 12. Maybe you should ask yourself why YOU stay in this relationship. Maybe you're responsible too. 13. Maybe you should take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself what you're doing as well. 14. Maybe they're just responding to how you're behaving, and your demands. 15. You have a nice house, a nice life. 16. They just have a lot going on. 17. Can you find another way to say it? Maybe you weren't being clear with them. 18. Express grattitude to them more often and tell them all the good things they do so they feel appreciated. 19. Forgive them. Everyone deserves a second chance. 20. Take the high road, even when they take the low road. 21. You're too needy. 22. It's just a generational thing. Your parents just come from a different time. 23. That's YOUR version of what's going on but they have their story too. 24. They mean well. 25. Is it really that bad? 26. He's just insecure. Cut him a break. 27. Just try harder with them. 28. Maybe they changed. They said they're trying. 29. If it's so bad just leave. 30. I've never had a problem with them, maybe it's you.
I am specifically going back to graduate school to get a degree in medical geography/geopsych and focus on survivor knowledges in complex post traumatic stress disorder. I get to go back BECAUSE this channel was one of the few voices in my entire life (I'm 38 now) that finally taught me what was going on. Last year, I barely made it out alive from a physically abusive border narc who still threatens my life. One of the saddest things that I experienced going through the academic literature was how truly absent were basic understandings of how survivors experienced this world. It almost felt like mockery. I can see that it's a really tough game to play where as the material feminists might say, you will 'misfit' a lot. So, thank you for speaking out. I will definitely be pre-ordering the book.
Yep they try anything. So, I just ask them if they think I'm beyond help, like a narcissist, why they're bothering, they back off on that one pretty quick.
My mother told me im my husbands problem now when we got married. Then proceeded to harass me for the next 20 years. I would log into my computer/email at work and find a long dehumanizing message which would throw me off all day at work.
Yup I've heard every single one of these statements that people say to excuse narcissists. Yup it's a no win situation with the narcissists and with their enablers. Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.
I used to ramble commenting here, stuff on disabled independent living movements and agencies harbouring problematical leadership. Then looking at how i rambled, good lord, i really sat accepting that no one would tell if I'm just too loopy. Your recent vlogs, prefacing past vlogs too, have really been getting my head straight, and just more centered knowing the depth of what has happened. Less reactionary. Congratulations on your new book.
The entire statement you just made, from start to finish, I could pick it apart. But it's a UA-cam comment. So it's basically going to just be met with "YOU DONT KNOW ME WAAAAAH'
@@Mybawws This time your judgment is WRONG! I'm far from being a narcissist and I'm not looking for sympathy, I went through Hell. A weaker man never would have come out alive.
For the past year I"ve worked with a person (attorney) who displays extreme narc traits..He constantly lies, misses hearings, brags. Others have had run ins with him. I stood up to him kept a boundary. Despite his lovebombing, I dont engage with the douchebag.
"You think that you feel that way, but it's not that, let me explain you what you really feel and why" When I told this to my therapist,his first reaction was being enraged and stunned to what point that person is misusing his status, Therapist repetead question-He is telling you how do you feel? Because he knows what you really feel and you are wrong! That was first and only time that I saw him showing how that situation affected him. It was very short and we continued session as ussual. He is working as a pscyhoterapist last 25 years, and also as a psychiatrist. Very early on, he told me that many people are not going to understand through what I'was and I'm still going through. Explained and talked about coping mechanisms. Sadly, he was right. I was being told almost all this 30 things and beyond. But I'm still standing despite being a "prisoner" with those invisible, heavy chains and traces of my soul and me. Thank you dr.Ramani for pointing out how rarely anything is mentioned about victims. We are the problem. No, we are alone and trivialized. Our inner suffer, struggle, pain, emotions...invisible.
Funny timing, as I overheard someone in Dr. office waiting room telling someone these things yesterday, including, “10 years ago it used to be Bipolar, and now everyone’s a Narcissist, and just stop trying to diagnose people already. No one’s perfect !!”
I'm broke as hell and I still made the investment in myself and preordered your book! Every video you make is 100% on point and hits me hard. Thank you for doing this work!!
@PeacefulPeregrineFalcon-go2ld, Being the "bigger person" can have two possible results: It'll bug them that they aren't getting under your skin, or it will support and enable them to keep going, so that they can feel reassured that you stay in a one-down position.
I was brought up to believe that other people's feelings were more important than my own. So, yes, always be the bigger person and let other people 'win.' I'm now in my late sixties and feel that there's no time better than right now to start believing that my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's. I don't know how many years I have left but they are going to be lived with a much different attitude about my self worth, my feelings and the way that I think. I'm with you - I'm tired of being the bigger person and I'm not going to be anymore.
You are amazing Dr. Ramani for standing up for us ❤ I could add a lot in that list but they all go back to the same core of disqualifying the other person.. I have to say that my biggest shock in my narcissistic/ abusive relationship was that all people & institutions blamed me and supported the abuser. I knew what to expect from my narcissistic ex-partner at a certain point, but I was surprised when despite of even admitting to hitting me in front of the judge, the judge’s verdict was that “I am an adult , who chose this relationship”, giving the biggest part of custody rights to the narcissistic father. That was a courthouse in France, where I am obliged to live (even if I’m not French😅). Even in a country claiming favorable to human and women’s rights, it’s devastating to realize that nobody will stand up for you
“They seem sweet” “Maybe they just really want to bond with you” Right now I’m experiencing a type of copycat sibling who wants to do absolutely everything with me and I’m struggling with a sense of identity at 32, my bf is completely supportive and understands my frustrations but I am continually guilted because I’m hurting them or “reliving the past” into just wanting some space and not feeling like I’m constantly living In their shadow. This relationship has driven me to the point of contemplating suicide at many points from how isolating it feels. She has been my bully, my hero, my best friend, & my enemy all at once. I feel so grateful I am able to come to your videos and feel justified for having these conflicting emotions
Recently former scapegoat, I got rid of all my siblings at once, silently walking out with a smile. No contact feels good. The trash took itself to the trash can.
And so, I have said so many of these things to myself, until one day, my eyes opened to the truth. And the truth set me free! Thank you for all the truth you speak Dr. Ramini. ❤
I feel sick to my stomach and sad..yet this is important for me to hear b/c it's just what happened with my mother and father..the dysfunctional & harmful things done in the repetitive cycle of emotional & mental abuse..
Ooh the effects of shaming the child's identity is so painful. I went through that and I'm still stuggling with that (41) even worse I'm adopted so is shame plus guilt
you’re right, I’ve listened to people who teach on narcissistic people, they blame the person that has been deceived, and the only thing they say is run 🏃🏾♀️ a lot of them do not teach you how live in the same house with them until you make a decision, because in the meantime, you’re still living there, and some therapist don’t give you the tools for that! I agree with you, basically some of them believe anyway, when you learn who they are and you don’t give them what they want and you don’t engage in feed the source, because you know arguing is a waste of time they don’t hear what you think they hear and you know that, I let my words be hold them accountable with two or three words, when he does his ghosting for days at a time and when he comes home and act like he did nothing he’s looking for reaction. I don’t give it to him when he goes to work he has to go away a few days out of the week to work I don’t engage. I don’t feed the beast in that an even more that I won’t engage in and get emotional over it because when I do you already know it feeds it so I won’t feed it anymore, I let my words be, keep my dreams to myself, wants to help me write a book. I don’t want him to help me because then I’ll have give him power if I’m feeling vulnerable about something it feeds that thing, so I have to find other sources and other people to help me, he asked me all the time are you writing still I told him yes, which is surprising that he wants to help, but I do not because it feats source, I tried to cut out all sources of feeding, and I’m in counseling self-care, and when he ghost me, I call it me time it’s so peaceful even when he’s quiet, I can feel it so thick the criticalness, the air is thick with it, I dare not say anything I disengage even in my mind I’m not here to figure it out and I’m not here to try to help. I cannot it’s not my job I live with a conscience and unconscious, manipulator and a deceiver and he’s a Christian, I can’t blame God because the man I hear him in their praying, since he’s a covert narcissistic person, you already know what that’s like everybody thinks he’s the sweetest person there is in the world, and it’s not my job to convince anybody of anything else, and I don’t even waste my time, I can’t blame anybody in the church they don’t live with me it’s not their fault and it’s not my fault so I focus on self-care, and take it one day at a time, he gets very irritated with me because I will not feed the beast, so you know what happens next I had to prepare myself every single day stay alert!🚨 he know I’m hip to him, and the things that I say it makes him look at itself, and that drives him crazy. It makes him second-guess himself because he’s a little boy trapped in a man’s body who likes to pout and I don’t look at it I disengage and I go into self-care mood. It is not my job to fix anybody, but it is my job to have self-care! So I don’t get mad at Pastor or the people after church. I have learned not to do that. It is not their fault they are not God! So, when all the accolades come praising him, he used to bother me and irritate me and then I learn you are silly. Do not do that with giving your power it is no one‘s fault in this church is not even my fault disengage get your head together and this is not these peoples fault. They did no wrong to me. They are not God they don’t know all they can’t see all! That’s one thing I learned people have to stop doing stop blaming the Church because you have issues in your marriage, they only can help what they know what they don’t know they cannot help you. They cannot read your mind. They do not have a crystal ball. They’re not readers they don’t practice witchcraft they don’t read your hands , they’re not invincible they’re human beings just like you and I, I don’t know why we think because a person is a Christian that they know everything and they should know, well do you know everything about your family? Can you read their minds? The ones that you don’t live with, you see people have family members they do horrible things and it’s on the news,📰 you didn’t see the signs, and then what you blame yourself stop blaming yourself take responsibility for what you need to take responsibility for and what you don’t need to take responsibility for let it go don’t take their junk and that’s what I’m learning every single day until I make my final decision of what I’m going to do but in the meantime, I’m living with this person I have to know how to maneuver myself, not a vindictive way, but with wisdom and knowledge to keep my own state of mind, and to keep my peace, and until then people have to learn how to maneuver these relationships until they decide what they’re going to do! And a lot of therapists, do not teach that! You may go to work and deal with the same type of behavior, and you had to learn to deal with it until you leave! So that’s where I’m at right now self-care! And I’m not responsible for anyone else actions but I am responsible for how I react, and I know they’ll never change! Unless God step in and let me tell It’s very rare! Because people make their own choices, and God does not go against anybody’s will! So how could you help someone who don’t think they need help! Even God can’t help you! Because you wouldn’t listen to them anyway because they think they know more than God and they don’t even realize that’s how they think! 🤔
We are in the process of transitioning from a society where a lot of narcissism was seen as normal (male dominant marriages and family systems, etc.) to something else that remains somewhat undetermined. But most of us people who are not white males are not willing to be dominated and manipulated anymore. This is a tectonic shift in social dynamics. We are going to have to figure out how to navigate this with this recognition. Some people who are not narcissists accept narcissistic behaviour because they don’t know any better. This needs to be the focus of change - understanding that a society that subjugates some people and elevates others indiscriminately is not normal - or healthy. In the US this has definitely been the patriarchal male dominance model of living in recent history.
You sound like a narc. Narcissism has SFA to do with race or gender Most of the world is not white and narcissism is rife globally. And name a society that is less patriarchal than the US? You need to grow tf up.
"I came from a different generation where parents didn't show their children much love and affection." I heard that yesterday from my old man. That was supposed to make the decades of neglect he inflicted on me and my brother all okay. It didn't. Thank you, Dr Ramani. I have heard many of these, especially lately.
"The tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter." 1 - You're too sensitive. 2 - You have no right to diagnose someone else. 3 - You're a bad person for being critical of someone with an illness (NPD). 4 - You have unrealistic expectations. 5 - Everyone has something going on, you can't expect them to be perfect. 6 - They had a tough backstory too. 7 - Come on, there are good things in this relationship. Focus on that. 8 - They are just yelling, it's not abuse. 9 - They are just speaking their minds and keeping it real. 10 - Stop taking them so seriously, they don't mean it. 11 - You aren't perfect either. 12 - Maybe you should ask yourself why you stay in this relationship. Maybe you are also responsible. 13 - You should take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself what you are doing as well. 14 - Maybe they are just responding to how you are behaving and your demands. 15 - You have a nice house and a nice life. 16 - They just have a lot going on. 17 - Can't you find another way to say it, you aren't being clear. 18 - Express more gratitude and tell them the good things they do so they feel appreciated. 19 - Forgive them, everyone deserve a second chance. 20 - Take the high road, even when they take the low road. 21 - You are too needy. 22 - It's just a generational thing, your parents just come from a different time. 23 - That's your version of what's going on, they have their story too. 24 - They mean well. 25 - Is it really that bad. 26 - They are just insecure, give them a break. 27 - Just try harder with them. 28 - Maybe they changed, they said they are trying. 29 - If it's so bad, just leave. 30 - I have never had a problem with them, maybe it's you.
Hearing that list of justifications, excuses and minimisations of narcissistic abuse, I thought of my friends who were burgled a while back. Their home and belongings were pretty much annihilated. They lost everything important to them and were left feeling in personal danger and emotionally vulnerable for a long time after. I wonder what their reaction to anyone reading this list would have been?! Yet narcissistic abuse does exactly this damage over time!
My dad would tell me as a child, I had nothing to complain about. We had a home, food, and clothing; of course, he never saw the abuse I was going through.
Dr. Ramani, you hit the nail on the head with every one of these. #19 pisses me off every time!!!!! Fck no!!! There are no second chances with me! Ever!
@@cb9825People who are being told they should carry the weight of unrealistic expectations on their back (from narcissists) are told to have broad shoulders….it’s a saying….
My 3 favorite things people told me about my narcssist uncle: 1. This is how they show love 2. Beneath everything they really care. 3. You are over reacting Yeah i told them they are wrong.
Accurate expressions, Dr. Ramani. I have heard all of them while in the midst of the circumstances. Have a wonderful day and God bless you abundantly 🙏🏻🎉
You wouldn't say to somebody who been traumatised-' You have the right to abuse as you have been abused yourself so you have the right to traumatised others'. No one would ever say that as everyone knows it is wrong. I know I've been far from perfect but I have remorse and empathy and self reflection, but these narcs are abusive their whole lifetimes to others. Anyone who enables abuse is wrong. Cruelty is never ever excusable.
“You have high standards” “you have high expectations” and the enablers… “ just ignore him” “ well are you mean to them?” “They didn’t mean it like that” those are just some that I could remember. It’s exhausting.
Not only did I hear these from a friend, these are things I told myself. I am grateful for the one friend I really opened up too and helped me see it. I was able to get out of an 18 year marriage.
I'm excited about the book! So many things on this list I have been told. My wife is in denial of her BPD diagnosis with some NPD traits and this list just hits it.
❤❤Nailed it our Dr R! Heard them all and more! Lately from my special adult N son was: oh I just give it to God and move on! My silent answer to that remark is: don’t blame God for your lack of empathy as his older brother lays paralyzed since 12-31-23! So I put on my cheery voice for him and change subject to him! All was well then! Yes sometimes it’s easier to play the game than fight in the face of tragedy and heartbreak 💔! 😢😢
I was told by these by my friends when I shared them what I experienced... I haven't even told them everything yet. T^T So I stopped talking and sharing my exp to my circle. I just share it to the online community... the ones who has the same exp as me.
Thank you for all you do to heal and remind us that the lion is strong. I think another thing we're told is we shouldn't label people, and while I partly agree with that; we must understand the hunter and see the danger we're in.
You bet it is! Its time for the story of the survivor! This is awesome it gets the focus that’s needed on the survivor. I have one we can add to the list. They say we should take the higher road so we can have a good report on ourselves for ourselves and to others. The ones who don’t know about narcissism doesn’t know the damage doing that does to keep taking it. Thanks for all of these excellent points!
I was in a relationship that he got me fired from my job , evicted from my apartment and he knew that I had nowhere to go because my mom sold our house , he yelled at my friends and told them to leave , and then I started having seizures because he told me that he was going to kill my animals in front of me , after that I wrecked my car having a seizure he started throwing things at me and nobody in his family believed me because he was a completely different person around them , he had video cameras inside the house and outside and was always accusing me of cheating on him and told me that he was going to light me on fire , every day I would have pains in my stomach wondering what was going to happen next , after 26 years I finally got away !
30A- He's always so nice to everybody. I can't believe he's ------. I was the scapegoat in a narcissistic house growing up and (shock!) married a covert narcissist. I stayed in the marriage for 48 years until he passed away about 5 years ago. I have been in therapy and started dating a special man about 4 months ago. (I did date a few losers before him.) Is it ever comforting to be in a kind and caring relationship. I am FINALLY confident and positive about myself. I don't have people telling me how everything is my fault. Better late than never!
If you have survived a narcissistic family, you're the bravest soul out there. Because they're so exhausting and deplete every bit of your resourcefulness.
@sushmayen , Thanks , You always express our collective pain in an affirming way !
@@Greenawareness188❤❤
@@Greenawareness188❤❤
100% spot on 👍🇦🇺
So true it's exhausting and depleting your energy is something we can all affirm that has lived in it.
SO Brilliant! "We shame them for staying, and we shame them for leaving." No words.
Yes, Monique, that sentence got me, too.
👏
The worst part of being in a narcissistic relationship is breaking free as you will face a myriad of challenges of finding yourself again and heal from the emotional wounds. However, the real victory comes from reclaiming your power and self-identity.
It really runs that deep. How were you able to find yourself? i.e. what worked best?
@@Seanus32It’s important to have a strong support system, those you can connect with and speak with those who have had similar experiences. A therapist can help. Also what you are doing now is a good first step by watching these videos and educating yourself about narcissistic abuse and reaching out to people in these communities who have been through similar experiences. Take time to go out more and discover things you like and are passionate about and find your purpose in them. Also take good care of your physical health. Exercise and a healthy diet.
Beautifully said. I relate entirely. I had a taste of that victory, and then found myself back under my parent's roof and learned, for real, who he always was. He was the one I broke free from. We have to educate ourselves and others, so we always know what to stay away from, and to protect what we worked hard to reclaim.
I am in this process now, it is very challenging for sure. Love the idea of victory from reclaiming my power and identity. Thank you for sharing. ❤
As someone without a support system per se, what worked for me was online resources like this one that make a world of difference. Keep watching, learning, and checking in with your own heart, you will find your way out, even if out means just being safe within yourself.
Happy Valentine's Day to all survivors whether you are in or out. So grateful to this community and especially for our Doctor! ❤
Made me remember that in the 5 years I was with my ex narc, he never bought me anything on Valentine s day. As a matter of fact, include Easter, Christmas and Birthday as well...
Been there done that, also did not get the t-shirt! 😂
Obliged to go on a Valentine's day to not her let guessing that something will happenned : ME leaving for LIVING !!❤️🔥🔥🔥🔥
My favorite: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I did the best that I could."
My dad would follow up that statement with:
“And if you can not accept that, then to heck (use the real word) with you!”
Mine was “Sorry it went down like that, I didn’t mean for it to go that way… but here are some tips on how to not piss me off in the future…” yeah NO.
@@masquarra ugh! he was offended that you were offended. I'm sorry you had someone like that for a father 😞
@@redlikewineagain697 Thank you and sorry you had to deal with these people as well.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. It wasn’t my intention.” (Continues to hurt me)
Some of the things on that list we even tell ourselves. "Maybe he has changed. He is trying. Maybe I am too sensitive, etc." That's when you're in real trouble because they've gotten inside your head and cause you to question your own view of reality. Thank you for writing this book, Dr. Ramani.❤
The “too sensitive” part! Felt that
"Why do you want to rehash things that happened 30-40 years ago. Just forgive everyone and move on". - My Sister
Because it has caused PTSD that resurfaces from the same pattern of behavior over the past 40 years!
My grandmother justified my all father's insane narcissistic traits just like your sister. It's horrible. 😢
Patterns of behavior. And realizing that I don't have to fight for my basic human rights with someone who genuinely cares about me. So it still colors today"s interactions.
"I've no idea why people want to go back over their childhoods", my mother the vuln narc
… It appears that this specific disconnected, uneducated comment, was directly written by an actual NARCISSIST that has absolutely NO idea the long-term psychological damage that they’ve inflicted upon others!
Survivors can be amazingly strong, mentally fit, and able to out maneuver. They can manage a war without confrontation. They can adapt and adjust to changes. These are SUPER POWERS for a lifetime.
Narcissists:They are totally insecure. Winning defines them at the cost of others!! Behind closed doors they are completely different than in public !! They never change🤯
💯
Your words about their need to "win" at the cost of others are so true!
Your words about their need to "win" at the cost of others are so true!
Sadly, I told myself some of these things to justify staying in narc relationships. You are right that no one discusses what happens to the victims of this emotional abuse. I think we all have our own stories to tell and we can encourage and educate others as a way of healing. Thank you Dr. Ramini💕
My narcissistic parent "raised me" on most of those messages. His enablers reinforced them. I was shamed for planning my future and being excited about it, and by then, all those messages were engrained in my mind. So I decided to "do the right thing." I stayed. It was a lot of manipulation and abuse that I didn't see. It took me a decade to come around and get back to taking care of myself, going back to school, etc.. It was lovely. But still unaware of the dangers of narcissism, I believed he did want to "help me," as he said when I was devastated by a number of things. I moved back in. Then all the lights came on, the abuse was horrific, I was stuck for a bit, and he fooled most everyone into believing his story and those who knew it was a lie were threatened into silence. I was ostracized completely. We have to tell our stories, and remain visible. We matter.
are you out now ? I pray for you .
The day I decided I'd rid my life of anyone who enabled or stanned for my Narc parents, I lost over a thousand pounds of garbage. You don't have to justify yourself or your choices to anybody. Surround yourself with the few who get it. A single one of them is worth more than a hundred flying monkeys. I'm often alone but never lonely. The day I became my own best ally was the day I truly began to heal. I wish healing and peace to everyone who has been or still is going through this. Don't make yourself smaller for anyone.
I would kill for a husband that vacuums
I wish my husband was a clean as yours.
The most difficult part of this process is looking back on the last 30 years of my marriage- I would share with my friends the little things he was doing. If I would vacuum the house, he would come home and “fix it” if I cleaned the counters he would “sanitize them for me” if I left laundry in the washer for even 30 minutes he would tell me I needed to re-wash everything . He would change the lint trap in the middle of the load because “it was going to catch fire” I was sure he had OCD… but no. He knew my greatest weakness was I felt “unclean” from past issues. He weaponized my greatest trauma. And spent years shaming me for “not being clean enough “ all the while looking so good to the outside world and making me look petty because I complained about how “clean” he is. No one saw this as abuse, until I saw your video on self-righteous narcissists. I no longer feel crazy. Thank you so much.
May I add one please:
“Move on let it go! Stop living in the past. Join us in the present”.
Yes! Here's another one: "You manifested this through your negative thoughts or lack of merit. No one else in the family has had marriage problems!"
@@patriciasalem3606 omg someone in your family said that to you?! wtf?! talk about holier than thou! Stay far away from those fckers!
@@patriciasalem3606 Goodness yes! To be accused of manifesting the issues in one’s head and somehow all have to endure our tra la la fantasies. And that spouse/family member sits amongst them shaking their head seeking unwarranted pity/justifications
Ive heard this while they use me as a sounding board for things that have nothing to do with me that happend years ago. So the message is, your problems are irrelevant compared to mine.
'join us in the present' straight outta horror movie🙂🙂🙂🙂
I thought I was going crazy, not being able to understand the man i was with, flip-flopping, ranting, put downs, hate speech, on and on... i felt like the worst person on earth. When i learned about narcissists, thanks to people like you, i know im ok they are the lost ones, I dont cry, i dont ask questions, I accept that he is who he is and he hates me because i am better than he is. And i dont care anymore about him finding happiness because he cant. Thank you for helping me see his brain at work.
Yes....."you don't know how good you've got it!!!" People won't even listen to what you have to say, they look at the outward appearance, outside the home, and the narcissist almost always is glorified.
They've destroyed my life because I didn't have the info or understanding of what I was facing....
Now I'm old, it doesn't matter, I know who and what they were.
The "you dont know how good you have it!" Could be their justification in covertly smearing or sabatoging you out of jealousy and not wanting to know they just made your life even more difficult than it was. Not always the case but in mine it was. They were envious and jealous of the outward part of things and the felt justified in humbling me when in reality I have PTSD and MS. But live in a nice home?!
@@Jess-kn8vl Yep, they are so envious and jealous, they do everything to sabotage your individuality (make you feel invisible and insignificant) and crush your independence. PTSD doesn't ever really go away, no matter how far from these people you get. Blessings to you Jess xo
The “you don’t know how good you have it” line is the one my narcissistic father used…when barely providing my physical needs like shelter, clothes, and food. In fact, I had none of these things at various times in my upbringing, but because I didn’t do the dishes to his ever-changing standards (they were always sparkling when I did them, by the way, while raising his child too and doing schoolwork more advanced than he could ever do - physics anyone?) I was the evil one who should be on the streets at 15.
It’s amazing I survived, and not only that but started true recovery. And it’s all thanks to these videos that keep my perspective alive.
And those come when you dare to open to someone and talk about their outrages, if you don’t say a word you only get told “oh, you are so lucky, I wish I had someone like him” or “my dear, he loves you so much! I wish someone loved me that way”
And then you know nobody would believe how they really are 😢
Totally. It's 25 years after my divorce, and I'm still being told my ex is a "good guy." They chose him over me in a family dynamic a decade ago then lied about keeping in touch with him. It's only because my mother - also a narcissist - wanted to hurt me that she gleefully told me at Thanksgiving that my siblings are still friendly with my ex and in-laws. My sister betrayed me with my ex years ago, and when I got (rightfully) upset with her, my family turned on ME. I forgave her after a long time, and she did it again! It just never stops.
@@patriciasalem3606You might want to think about no contact.
Yep.
Alot of traditional publishers are not interested in advocating against narc abuse. I ended up self publishing a book on Amazon titled " anti narcissist poetry." In the back of the book I thank therapeutic UA-cam community for educating on narcissistic abuse. Your name is included. Thank you for all you do.
Thank you for spreading awareness! 💜
Congratulations! Thank you for writing and publishing your book!!!
The trigger list:
"He never says any bad thing about you, he loves you so much"
"I never have any problem with him"
"You are too sensitive"
"No marriage is perfect"
"It was only a joke"
"You have so nice family be grateful"
"Maybe you should look at your own behavior"
"Be nice"
"Maybe it's you"
"You don't respect him"
"That's your version"
"Let it go"
"He means well"
"You are too needy"
"Is it really that bad"
"Just leave"...
Thanks to Dr Ramani I will get my first valentine's day gift, ordered by MYSELF, "It's not YOU", and learning not to wait for him to appreciate me.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
I was in a relationship like that. He was so sexual at first and I felt I’d found someone to match my drive and desire. Left my home to move to another state and be his wife. A year later he was barely looking at me but looking at everyone else. Treating me like there was something wrong with me, that I was ugly. Meanwhile all this cheating comes to light. It was awful. Fortunately, I never lost my self-esteem as a woman but I did lose my drive because I can not trust and be free like that again. So sad to have lost so much of me. For a bit part in a very bad movie instead of a wonderful real love affair.
Lars week we made 22 yrs together. With in a yr he was Les sexual and would proceed to make me feel like I was a peeve because I wanted to have sex once a week. Would not talk about needs and would shut it down in a way that I felt like a sex addict and like I was bothering him. Minimizing and patronizing me and my needs.
Last night I spoke with my friend who I love and trust. Boy did the conversation go bad. She doesn’t understand. She thinks his texting other women for 4 yrs. Isn’t really cheating. The lying gaslighting and dating apps. All that I have discovered isn’t bad. Leave or let it go. I’m being sensitive.
I cried last night so much because I felt not believed and the pain that it comes from a trusted person. Doesn’t understand I’m on third chance, can’t leave quickly because of money. Have grown sick kids. I will leave. I KNOW I WILL. Just not right now. I know what my needs are. They don’t know.
Sitting at a park right now trying to find my peace again.🙏🫶 it’s not you is a good name for the book. Who ever needs to read this. Go at your pace. Know who will push you to purpose. Never forget to be gentle with yourself. You’ve got this
Such people are no sh*tty there's no words... They use partner and take them as granted..it's like they only come in relationship or marriage just to ruin partner... normally being healthy sexual is good..not like sexualised mindset always sex,sex.. having gaps also normal according to situation ,sexual drives becoming less according to age is normal too..but when they don't even able to give it and all they give excuses then surely it's bad luck for any person to have such partner... sometimes idk what to think about such people..I hate them so much...
Yes, I LOVE that proverb. That, combined with Maya Angelou’s “there’s no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you” , that’s about it, the narcissistic abuse experience in a nutshell.
This applies so much in the work place too. I recently had an issue with a person in a senior leadership position and the response I received from my boss was "just try to make it work between you two, you know how she is, she's had a rough go of things over the past few years". I replied "no, this is how she is because this is WHO she is".
When I met my ex for the very first time she said "ugh, the past year has been so hard for me. My relationship has been struggling and on the rocks."
Then a year later when we were best friends.
"My life is so tough right now. My partner makes me so sad and depressed. He always nags me. I'm really going through a lot."
Then another year later when we started dating, "You really are bothering me right now. I can't catch a break, I'm really going through a lot, you know. And you whining to me and being needy isn't pleasant."
Then after I found out she hadn't broken up with her partner like she told/when we broke up, "You know how hard this year has been for me! My partner doesn't listen, you don't listen. Both of you stress me out. This is both your fault, if he didn't nag and you weren't so needy none of this would have happened."
A year after we broke up a mutual friend and I talk and apparently my ex told her they were having "a rough year".
Point in case, they are always having a bad day, bad night, bad year and you are the problem or their allergies are the problem, or their mom is sick in the hospital is that problem.
If your child is sick with a cold, their child is worse off with the flu.
If your dog had surgery and you are worried for your pet, their dog died of doggy cancer and they can't stop crying.
They always have it worse off than you.
@@specialtwice4975 So true. But the way you told the story made it a little bit funny. Not that narcissism is funny. It's hell. But trying to find a way to laugh tonight after getting a gut punch reality check that "No, he doesn't care about you. Is this finally, finally the proof you needed to walk away?"
I have heard so many of these things. A total mind mess. It’s really damaged my mental health and my life. Focusing on my well being. Grateful to learn so much here. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
It takes two to tango.
They didn’t mean it.
It was just once.
They’re just busy with work.
They are under a lot of pressure.
Every relationship is rough.
You aren’t trying hard enough.
Well, what did you say?!
You should give them a break.
You don’t know what hardship is.
It’s your parents, you only get one set.
They are from another time, it was different back then.
Your generation is weak.
When are you going to leave.
But look what they did for you.
Other people like it.
You’re weird.
You sound crazy.
Was it really-that- bad?
If it was so bad, why didn’t you leave?
You should be grateful, you have ____.
It’s better than being alone.
“Don’t hold grudges”
You only get one set of parents. Well what do we know about the night we were conceived? Too much wine perhaps? Im just saying, not every set of parents have kids because they plan to.
"It's just a rough patch"
"It takes 2 to tango" has been the most damaging comment to me, because I used to really take it to heart.
Good one...
I can add to the list…
“Oh you don’t get along with anybody”, (then they name other people you don’t have contact with who are also narcissists).
Or…
“You only get one mother/father”.
Or…
“But he/she loves you!”
Or…
“It’s typical for adult children to think their parents made mistakes”.
Or…
“All families are dysfunctional”.
Your 1st one! Punishment for surviving other narc relationships! Exactly!!!
Get it got it good. That’s what I heard. He was my savior…somebody once said he’s not yelling it’s just the way he talks. My children are traumatized because I stayed so long.
I would be more than happy to share what happens to a survivor. Perhaps we survivors should write the book!
Flood the market with personal testimonies! All of us survivors should write our own books!
Nailed it!!! So true and yes time to acknowledge the victim and hear and believe their story. You just can’t make this s… up
This is one of your best talks yet, Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you so much. I am going to keep telling my lion story even if “they” don’t believe me or think I should be grateful for the good parts,etc…. I am so ready to be free of all the insanity
You know how Strong you are when you are free from Narcissists. Sadly when your parents were narcissist you may find a pattern with the partners we connect with. More narcissists., Especially if you are a kind, empathetic heart. If you are walking on eggshells in your relationship, run and don't look back for your peace of mind. Send them peace, knowing that hurt people, hurt people and healed people heal people. Sending loving kindness 🙏💜
Dr. Ramani, thank you for this validation. I have heard most of that list coming from mouths of therapists and family over the years. Family, easier for me to to disregard their ignorant comments. However from the therpists whom I paid good amount of money to and I expected professionalism, to me is unforgivable.
My fam always says, "THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD" !!!!!!! ❤❤❤👍 (I hate when they say that, like oh, I should just be thankful even tho it was abusive...)
Your list of 30 things resonated so strongly with me it is remarkable.
1. You're too sensitive.
2. You have no right to diagnose someone else.
3. You're a bad person for being critical of someone who has NPD. That's an illness you know.
4. You have unrealistic expectations.
5. Everyone has something going on. You can't expect them to be perfect.
6. They had a tough back story too.
7. C'on, there are good things in the relationship, focus on them instead.
8. They're just yelling, it's not abuse. Let it go.
9. They're just speaking they're mind and keeping it real.
10. Stop taking them so seriously, they don't mean it.
11. You aren't perfect either.
12. Maybe you should ask yourself why YOU stay in this relationship. Maybe you're responsible too.
13. Maybe you should take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself what you're doing as well.
14. Maybe they're just responding to how you're behaving, and your demands.
15. You have a nice house, a nice life.
16. They just have a lot going on.
17. Can you find another way to say it? Maybe you weren't being clear with them.
18. Express grattitude to them more often and tell them all the good things they do so they feel appreciated.
19. Forgive them. Everyone deserves a second chance.
20. Take the high road, even when they take the low road.
21. You're too needy.
22. It's just a generational thing. Your parents just come from a different time.
23. That's YOUR version of what's going on but they have their story too.
24. They mean well.
25. Is it really that bad?
26. He's just insecure. Cut him a break.
27. Just try harder with them.
28. Maybe they changed. They said they're trying.
29. If it's so bad just leave.
30. I've never had a problem with them, maybe it's you.
underrated comment of the day here!
I am specifically going back to graduate school to get a degree in medical geography/geopsych and focus on survivor knowledges in complex post traumatic stress disorder. I get to go back BECAUSE this channel was one of the few voices in my entire life (I'm 38 now) that finally taught me what was going on. Last year, I barely made it out alive from a physically abusive border narc who still threatens my life.
One of the saddest things that I experienced going through the academic literature was how truly absent were basic understandings of how survivors experienced this world. It almost felt like mockery. I can see that it's a really tough game to play where as the material feminists might say, you will 'misfit' a lot. So, thank you for speaking out. I will definitely be pre-ordering the book.
I’ve been told by the narcissist, that I am the narcissist.
Yep they try anything. So, I just ask them if they think I'm beyond help, like a narcissist, why they're bothering, they back off on that one pretty quick.
My mother told me im my husbands problem now when we got married. Then proceeded to harass me for the next 20 years. I would log into my computer/email at work and find a long dehumanizing message which would throw me off all day at work.
Classic, so provoking if you react to that, they get a ton of supply, and it suits their maximum return for little output.
And have you also been told by others how lucky you are to have that narc in your life? They don't get it.
😅😅
'Why don't you just leave?' Istg if I hear this one more time, and oh this one takes the gold 'No way that is true, she was lovely to me.'
Love that we're lions and not deer :)
I was once told by a narc that I'm a meek, weak sheep.
I mean we're still out here fighting!
Yup I've heard every single one of these statements that people say to excuse narcissists.
Yup it's a no win situation with the narcissists and with their enablers.
Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.
"You knew what you were getting into when you married him." - friend
"You made your bed now lie in it." -mom
"That's just who he is." - everyone else
Its funny they all realise it but don't tell u unless u get in it...its no different than betrayal by our people
I used to ramble commenting here, stuff on disabled independent living movements and agencies harbouring problematical leadership. Then looking at how i rambled, good lord, i really sat accepting that no one would tell if I'm just too loopy. Your recent vlogs, prefacing past vlogs too, have really been getting my head straight, and just more centered knowing the depth of what has happened. Less reactionary. Congratulations on your new book.
When they say "I don't have a problem with them. It must be you", that is the most gaslighty thing I've ever heard.
"I'm not interested in drama and gossip." That's one response I have received.
🥴 "I didn't TELL You to THINK!" 🥴
🩷🩷🩷 Blessings for Dr. Ramani & the Team!! 💞💞💞
A LION sleeps in the HEART of every BRAVE MAN.
I once told her, "I deserve a medal for being the toughest man alive for being with you!"
That’s when you know you need to get out.
I love it when obvious narcissists comment on videos about narcissism looking for sympathy then get it
The entire statement you just made, from start to finish, I could pick it apart. But it's a UA-cam comment. So it's basically going to just be met with "YOU DONT KNOW ME WAAAAAH'
@@Mybawws This time your judgment is WRONG! I'm far from being a narcissist and I'm not looking for sympathy, I went through Hell. A weaker man never would have come out alive.
For the past year I"ve worked with a person (attorney) who displays extreme narc traits..He constantly lies, misses hearings, brags. Others have had run ins with him. I stood up to him kept a boundary. Despite his lovebombing, I dont engage with the douchebag.
"You think that you feel that way, but it's not that, let me explain you what you really feel and why"
When I told this to my therapist,his first reaction was being enraged and stunned to what point that person is misusing his status, Therapist repetead question-He is telling you how do you feel? Because he knows what you really feel and you are wrong!
That was first and only time that I saw him showing how that situation affected him. It was very short and we continued session as ussual. He is working as a pscyhoterapist last 25 years, and also as a psychiatrist.
Very early on, he told me that many people are not going to understand through what I'was and I'm still going through. Explained and talked about coping mechanisms. Sadly, he was right. I was being told almost all this 30 things and beyond. But I'm still standing despite being a "prisoner" with those invisible, heavy chains and traces of my soul and me.
Thank you dr.Ramani for pointing out how rarely anything is mentioned about victims.
We are the problem. No, we are alone and trivialized.
Our inner suffer, struggle, pain, emotions...invisible.
Funny timing, as I overheard someone in Dr. office waiting room telling someone these things yesterday, including, “10 years ago it used to be Bipolar, and now everyone’s a Narcissist, and just stop trying to diagnose people already. No one’s perfect !!”
They have something to hide otherwise why bother talking about it.
"Just let it roll off your back. If you make an issue of it, it'll just get worse."
In the south the saying is, "Just let it roll off you, like water off a duck's back."
I'm broke as hell and I still made the investment in myself and preordered your book! Every video you make is 100% on point and hits me hard. Thank you for doing this work!!
My personal favorite..."be the bigger person"...oh I'm tired of being the bigger person.
The bigger person gets out of the toxic mess.
@PeacefulPeregrineFalcon-go2ld, Being the "bigger person" can have two possible results: It'll bug them that they aren't getting under your skin, or it will support and enable them to keep going, so that they can feel reassured that you stay in a one-down position.
I was brought up to believe that other people's feelings were more important than my own. So, yes, always be the bigger person and let other people 'win.' I'm now in my late sixties and feel that there's no time better than right now to start believing that my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's. I don't know how many years I have left but they are going to be lived with a much different attitude about my self worth, my feelings and the way that I think. I'm with you - I'm tired of being the bigger person and I'm not going to be anymore.
I feel like it is excusing the narc's behavior: enabling/flying monkey.
@@Swist1213, Keep up your standards for the behavior of others! 💪
"relationships involve compromise" Galling when all the survivor has done has continually compromised.
You are amazing Dr. Ramani for standing up for us ❤
I could add a lot in that list but they all go back to the same core of disqualifying the other person..
I have to say that my biggest shock in my narcissistic/ abusive relationship was that all people & institutions blamed me and supported the abuser. I knew what to expect from my narcissistic ex-partner at a certain point, but I was surprised when despite of even admitting to hitting me in front of the judge, the judge’s verdict was that “I am an adult , who chose this relationship”, giving the biggest part of custody rights to the narcissistic father. That was a courthouse in France, where I am obliged to live (even if I’m not French😅). Even in a country claiming favorable to human and women’s rights, it’s devastating to realize that nobody will stand up for you
“They seem sweet”
“Maybe they just really want to bond with you”
Right now I’m experiencing a type of copycat sibling who wants to do absolutely everything with me and I’m struggling with a sense of identity at 32, my bf is completely supportive and understands my frustrations but I am continually guilted because I’m hurting them or “reliving the past” into just wanting some space and not feeling like I’m constantly living In their shadow.
This relationship has driven me to the point of contemplating suicide at many points from how isolating it feels. She has been my bully, my hero, my best friend, & my enemy all at once.
I feel so grateful I am able to come to your videos and feel justified for having these conflicting emotions
Recently former scapegoat, I got rid of all my siblings at once, silently walking out with a smile. No contact feels good. The trash took itself to the trash can.
"what do you mean? He is such a nice, helpful guy!"
"You created your life " Uh...I did not consciously choose a predator.
"You always tell me I'm wrong!"
Nope never did, in fact went so far to saying,
"You are Right." Constantly even when it was my idea...
"But, he's told me/us/everyone how much he loves/loved you."
And so, I have said so many of these things to myself, until one day, my eyes opened to the truth. And the truth set me free!
Thank you for all the truth you speak Dr. Ramini. ❤
This is extremely validating to me. The lights are going on all around me
I feel sick to my stomach and sad..yet this is important for me to hear b/c it's just what happened with my mother and father..the dysfunctional & harmful things done in the repetitive cycle of emotional & mental abuse..
Ooh the effects of shaming the child's identity is so painful. I went through that and I'm still stuggling with that (41) even worse I'm adopted so is shame plus guilt
you’re right, I’ve listened to people who teach on narcissistic people, they blame the person that has been deceived, and the only thing they say is run 🏃🏾♀️ a lot of them do not teach you how live in the same house with them until you make a decision, because in the meantime, you’re still living there, and some therapist don’t give you the tools for that! I agree with you, basically some of them believe anyway, when you learn who they are and you don’t give them what they want and you don’t engage in feed the source, because you know arguing is a waste of time they don’t hear what you think they hear and you know that, I let my words be hold them accountable with two or three words, when he does his ghosting for days at a time and when he comes home and act like he did nothing he’s looking for reaction. I don’t give it to him when he goes to work he has to go away a few days out of the week to work I don’t engage. I don’t feed the beast in that an even more that I won’t engage in and get emotional over it because when I do you already know it feeds it so I won’t feed it anymore, I let my words be, keep my dreams to myself, wants to help me write a book. I don’t want him to help me because then I’ll have give him power if I’m feeling vulnerable about something it feeds that thing, so I have to find other sources and other people to help me, he asked me all the time are you writing still I told him yes, which is surprising that he wants to help, but I do not because it feats source, I tried to cut out all sources of feeding, and I’m in counseling self-care, and when he ghost me, I call it me time it’s so peaceful even when he’s quiet, I can feel it so thick the criticalness, the air is thick with it, I dare not say anything I disengage even in my mind I’m not here to figure it out and I’m not here to try to help. I cannot it’s not my job I live with a conscience and unconscious, manipulator and a deceiver and he’s a Christian, I can’t blame God because the man I hear him in their praying, since he’s a covert narcissistic person, you already know what that’s like everybody thinks he’s the sweetest person there is in the world, and it’s not my job to convince anybody of anything else, and I don’t even waste my time, I can’t blame anybody in the church they don’t live with me it’s not their fault and it’s not my fault so I focus on self-care, and take it one day at a time, he gets very irritated with me because I will not feed the beast, so you know what happens next I had to prepare myself every single day stay alert!🚨 he know I’m hip to him, and the things that I say it makes him look at itself, and that drives him crazy. It makes him second-guess himself because he’s a little boy trapped in a man’s body who likes to pout and I don’t look at it I disengage and I go into self-care mood. It is not my job to fix anybody, but it is my job to have self-care! So I don’t get mad at Pastor or the people after church. I have learned not to do that. It is not their fault they are not God! So, when all the accolades come praising him, he used to bother me and irritate me and then I learn you are silly. Do not do that with giving your power it is no one‘s fault in this church is not even my fault disengage get your head together and this is not these peoples fault. They did no wrong to me. They are not God they don’t know all they can’t see all! That’s one thing I learned people have to stop doing stop blaming the Church because you have issues in your marriage, they only can help what they know what they don’t know they cannot help you. They cannot read your mind. They do not have a crystal ball. They’re not readers they don’t practice witchcraft they don’t read your hands , they’re not invincible they’re human beings just like you and I, I don’t know why we think because a person is a Christian that they know everything and they should know, well do you know everything about your family? Can you read their minds? The ones that you don’t live with, you see people have family members they do horrible things and it’s on the news,📰 you didn’t see the signs, and then what you blame yourself stop blaming yourself take responsibility for what you need to take responsibility for and what you don’t need to take responsibility for let it go don’t take their junk and that’s what I’m learning every single day until I make my final decision of what I’m going to do but in the meantime, I’m living with this person I have to know how to maneuver myself, not a vindictive way, but with wisdom and knowledge to keep my own state of mind, and to keep my peace, and until then people have to learn how to maneuver these relationships until they decide what they’re going to do! And a lot of therapists, do not teach that! You may go to work and deal with the same type of behavior, and you had to learn to deal with it until you leave! So that’s where I’m at right now self-care! And I’m not responsible for anyone else actions but I am responsible for how I react, and I know they’ll never change! Unless God step in and let me tell It’s very rare! Because people make their own choices, and God does not go against anybody’s will! So how could you help someone who don’t think they need help! Even God can’t help you! Because you wouldn’t listen to them anyway because they think they know more than God and they don’t even realize that’s how they think! 🤔
We are in the process of transitioning from a society where a lot of narcissism was seen as normal (male dominant marriages and family systems, etc.) to something else that remains somewhat undetermined. But most of us people who are not white males are not willing to be dominated and manipulated anymore. This is a tectonic shift in social dynamics. We are going to have to figure out how to navigate this with this recognition. Some people who are not narcissists accept narcissistic behaviour because they don’t know any better. This needs to be the focus of change - understanding that a society that subjugates some people and elevates others indiscriminately is not normal - or healthy. In the US this has definitely been the patriarchal male dominance model of living in recent history.
You sound like a narc.
Narcissism has SFA to do with race or gender
Most of the world is not white and narcissism is rife globally. And name a society that is less patriarchal than the US?
You need to grow tf up.
IDK if narcissism is related to racism really.
"I came from a different generation where parents didn't show their children much love and affection."
I heard that yesterday from my old man. That was supposed to make the decades of neglect he inflicted on me and my brother all okay.
It didn't.
Thank you, Dr Ramani. I have heard many of these, especially lately.
No one else understands this better than you and those of us who’ve managed to escape the narcissistic situation and how to begin healing. 🙏💕
I love your work Dr Ramani. Thank you so much for the videos, they helped me so much to cope with all I went through.
Apparently, too many therapists get this list without realizing it is titled "Things NOT To Say".
I can’t wait for the book Thank you Dr Ramani for being there. You helped me a lot. I listen to you everyday.
"The tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter."
1 - You're too sensitive.
2 - You have no right to diagnose someone else.
3 - You're a bad person for being critical of someone with an illness (NPD).
4 - You have unrealistic expectations.
5 - Everyone has something going on, you can't expect them to be perfect.
6 - They had a tough backstory too.
7 - Come on, there are good things in this relationship. Focus on that.
8 - They are just yelling, it's not abuse.
9 - They are just speaking their minds and keeping it real.
10 - Stop taking them so seriously, they don't mean it.
11 - You aren't perfect either.
12 - Maybe you should ask yourself why you stay in this relationship. Maybe you are also responsible.
13 - You should take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself what you are doing as well.
14 - Maybe they are just responding to how you are behaving and your demands.
15 - You have a nice house and a nice life.
16 - They just have a lot going on.
17 - Can't you find another way to say it, you aren't being clear.
18 - Express more gratitude and tell them the good things they do so they feel appreciated.
19 - Forgive them, everyone deserve a second chance.
20 - Take the high road, even when they take the low road.
21 - You are too needy.
22 - It's just a generational thing, your parents just come from a different time.
23 - That's your version of what's going on, they have their story too.
24 - They mean well.
25 - Is it really that bad.
26 - They are just insecure, give them a break.
27 - Just try harder with them.
28 - Maybe they changed, they said they are trying.
29 - If it's so bad, just leave.
30 - I have never had a problem with them, maybe it's you.
Thanks💜
🎤🔨
"All you think of or care about, is yourself"
Hearing that list of justifications, excuses and minimisations of narcissistic abuse, I thought of my friends who were burgled a while back. Their home and belongings were pretty much annihilated. They lost everything important to them and were left feeling in personal danger and emotionally vulnerable for a long time after. I wonder what their reaction to anyone reading this list would have been?! Yet narcissistic abuse does exactly this damage over time!
My dad would tell me as a child, I had nothing to complain about. We had a home, food, and clothing; of course, he never saw the abuse I was going through.
Dr. Ramani, you hit the nail on the head with every one of these. #19 pisses me off every time!!!!! Fck no!!! There are no second chances with me! Ever!
“You have broad shoulders “; “You just need to establish stronger boundaries/ be more assertive “
What does the broadness of the shoulders mean? how is it connected to anything?
@@cb9825People who are being told they should carry the weight of unrealistic expectations on their back (from narcissists) are told to have broad shoulders….it’s a saying….
@@carmenm.9522 OMG that's awful😨
My 3 favorite things people told me about my narcssist uncle:
1. This is how they show love
2. Beneath everything they really care.
3. You are over reacting
Yeah i told them they are wrong.
Accurate expressions, Dr. Ramani. I have heard all of them while in the midst of the circumstances. Have a wonderful day and God bless you abundantly 🙏🏻🎉
You wouldn't say to somebody who been traumatised-' You have the right to abuse as you have been abused yourself so you have the right to traumatised others'. No one would ever say that as everyone knows it is wrong.
I know I've been far from perfect but I have remorse and empathy and self reflection, but these narcs are abusive their whole lifetimes to others. Anyone who enables abuse is wrong. Cruelty is never ever excusable.
“You have high standards” “you have high expectations” and the enablers… “ just ignore him” “ well are you mean to them?” “They didn’t mean it like that” those are just some that I could remember. It’s exhausting.
Not only did I hear these from a friend, these are things I told myself. I am grateful for the one friend I really opened up too and helped me see it. I was able to get out of an 18 year marriage.
# 31 "Sometimes you just have to get through the bad days. The good days will always come back."
I'm excited about the book! So many things on this list I have been told. My wife is in denial of her BPD diagnosis with some NPD traits and this list just hits it.
❤❤Nailed it our Dr R! Heard them all and more! Lately from my special adult N son was: oh I just give it to God and move on! My silent answer to that remark is: don’t blame God for your lack of empathy as his older brother lays paralyzed since 12-31-23! So I put on my cheery voice for him and change subject to him! All was well then! Yes sometimes it’s easier to play the game than fight in the face of tragedy and heartbreak 💔! 😢😢
I chose a dog as life companion after my divorce, Dr Ramani just reminded me why
I was told by these by my friends when I shared them what I experienced... I haven't even told them everything yet. T^T So I stopped talking and sharing my exp to my circle. I just share it to the online community... the ones who has the same exp as me.
Thank you for making me stronger today
The lion never knows it's being hunted until it has been hurt .
The cat's got your book, she's reading it 😊❤!
Also "Relax, it was just a joke, you always take things so seriously." I heard that one a lot.
Thank you for all you do to heal and remind us that the lion is strong. I think another thing we're told is we shouldn't label people, and while I partly agree with that; we must understand the hunter and see the danger we're in.
You bet it is! Its time for the story of the survivor! This is awesome it gets the focus that’s needed on the survivor. I have one we can add to the list. They say we should take the higher road so we can have a good report on ourselves for ourselves and to others. The ones who don’t know about narcissism doesn’t know the damage doing that does to keep taking it. Thanks for all of these excellent points!
I was in a relationship that he got me fired from my job , evicted from my apartment and he knew that I had nowhere to go because my mom sold our house , he yelled at my friends and told them to leave , and then I started having seizures because he told me that he was going to kill my animals in front of me , after that I wrecked my car having a seizure he started throwing things at me and nobody in his family believed me because he was a completely different person around them , he had video cameras inside the house and outside and was always accusing me of cheating on him and told me that he was going to light me on fire , every day I would have pains in my stomach wondering what was going to happen next , after 26 years I finally got away !
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Appreciate all you do to support narcissistic abuse survivors and help us recover and thrive .
30A- He's always so nice to everybody. I can't believe he's ------.
I was the scapegoat in a narcissistic house growing up and (shock!) married a covert narcissist. I stayed in the marriage for 48 years until he passed away about 5 years ago. I have been in therapy and started dating a special man about 4 months ago. (I did date a few losers before him.) Is it ever comforting to be in a kind and caring relationship. I am FINALLY confident and positive about myself. I don't have people telling me how everything is my fault. Better late than never!
👉🏽 “you are so naïve! (Always with contempt)”
"It's just a rough patch"
"Stop obsessing about your _____ (in-laws, etc.)"
"Stop complaining"
"If YOU would be nicer, HE would be nicer to you."
Blessings, Dr. Ramani thank you.
To add some more that was told to me :
- You have to take responsibility.
- That is your truth
- That is your story
Made me cry. This was so thoughtful and important...and so well said...thank you.