10 Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder Exposure | Effect of BPD on Partners
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- Опубліковано 16 лют 2020
- This video answers the question: Can I discuss the effects of exposure to borderline personality disorder? This question is talking about effects on the partner of somebody with BPD as opposed to the effects of the disorder on the person who has it.
10 signs of BPD exposure
BPD has nine symptom criteria:
1. frantic efforts to avoid abandonment
2. unstable relationship pattern
3. identity disturbance
4. impulsivity in two areas that are potentially self-damaging
5. suicidal behavior
6. affective instability
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate or intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
9. paranoid ideation or severe dissociation
Bouchard, S., Sabourin, S., Lussier, Y., & Villeneuve, E. (2009). Relationship Quality and Stability in Couples When One Partner Suffers From Borderline Personality Disorder. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 35(4), 446-455. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Sarkar, J. (2019). Borderline personality disorder and violence. Australasian Psychiatry, 27(6), 578-580. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Ross J, & Babcock J. (2009). Proactive and reactive violence among intimate partner violent men diagnosed with antisocial and borderline personality disorder. Journal of Family Violence, 24(8), 607-617.
Ross J, & Babcock J. (2009). Proactive and reactive violence among intimate partner violent men diagnosed with antisocial and borderline personality disorder. Journal of Family Violence, 24(8), 607-617.
de Montigny-Malenfant, B., Santerre, M.-È., Bouchard, S., Sabourin, S., Lazaridès, A., & Bélanger, C. (2013). Couples’ Negative Interaction Behaviors and Borderline Personality Disorder. American Journal of Family Therapy, 41(3), 259-271. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Greer, H., & Cohen, J. N. (2018). Partners of Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder: A Systematic Review of the Literature Examining Their Experiences and the Supports Available to Them. Harvard Review Of Psychiatry, 26(4), 185-200. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Lavner, J. A., Lamkin, J., & Miller, J. D. (2015). Borderline personality disorder symptoms and newlyweds’ observed communication, partner characteristics, and longitudinal marital outcomes. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 124(4), 975-981. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1... (Supplemental)
Lazarus, S. A., Beeney, J. E., Howard, K. P., Strunk, D. R., Pilkonis, P.. A., & Cheavens, J. S. (2019,December 5). Characterization of Relationship Instability in Women With Borderline PersonalityDisorder: A Social Network Analysis. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment.Advance online publication. dx.doi.org/10.1037/per0000380
Ross J, and Babcock J. 2009. “Proactive and Reactive Violence among Intimate Partner Violent Men Diagnosed with Antisocial and Borderline Personality Disorder.” Journal of Family Violence 24 (8): 607-17. search.ebscohost.com.mylibrary....
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"Everyone is suffering when BPD is involved"
Yup.
YEP!
This hits hard 😢
Thank you Most true comment !!!!
The never ending testing and devaluation were the hardest for me. There is no worse feeling than knowing you put everything you had into a relationship that wasn't real.
had same thing in the summer of 2019 , i snapped and almost got arrested and started smoking , constant stress . i did everything for her and it was hell.
If I want to know what my BPD ex wants, the answer is always "more". There is no such thing as "enough".
That's where I'm at right now and it has been extremely hard to swallow
@@Laneganswake Take time for your self. read ,learn and focus on making your self happy and stronger. Don't beat yourself up looking for answers because there are none. there is no logic and rationality only moving forward. Stay strong brother.
I got arrested protecting mine from an episode. Not fun.
My wife was diagnosed with BPD in 2008 and the only thing her doc told me was about the black and white thinking. There was never a gray area. We were together for 28 YEARS !!!! I always put up with it cus she was my best friend and always had been. Then about a year and a half ago I finally reached my breaking point when I realized she was doing it to our kids also and she had developed severe anger to go along with everything else. We tried to get her help but it was during COVID and there was no help. So after 28 years I took our kids and left. She tried everything from threatening to kill herself on a daily basis, to wanting to kill me, to crying and pleading for me to return. It ripped me apart but I had to think of my kids. It's a strange feeling to pray with everything you got for your soulmate, whom you have loved your entire life, to find another man. Eventually she did and it was like we didn't exist anymore, only him. I couldn't comprehend how she could do that to me but especially her own children. So I started doing more research on her disorder and now realize she can't help it. Its not an excuse mind you, or change anything. But it did give me some peace. Now I spend all my days and nights focused on our kids and looking after myself (which I neglected forever) while she is living it up with the new guy and they are doing the honeymoon phase thing. After all the abuse for all those years it's just another hammerblow. I'ts ingrained in me not to feel anything for myself in the way of pity and to push my own feelings aside, that's what they do. I wish there had been some type of reward at the end for all the suffering you go through but I am having to realize that having my freedom and not walking on eggshells everyday will have to suffice. I just wish now that I had made the decision to leave a long time ago. I still love her, and hate her. But at least I understand it more. Just wish somebody had told me all this years ago. Anyway, if someone out there is going thru something similar I suggest you find help. Especially with kids involved. My wife wasn't evil or mean like some people think, she is just sick and confused and I hope she can find peace someday.
I had the same situation took my kids and got divorced she pretty women my x wife .She found a nother man living it up. BUT MY KIDS ARE DOING GOOD .but got my son out to late age 11 . HE HAS SOME PROBLEMS BUT WORKING IT OUT .
You got your kids out of the years of the suffering and that’s the greatest reward!
sorry you went through that man but I can assure you, you made the right decision for your kids
@@user-go7zy3fc5f depends on what she was doing towards the kids. Divorce generally just breaks up the family and takes away the life advantages of a nuclear family. Just my opinion.
My ex strongly exhibited all 9 symptom criteria. People that have not experienced this type of dynamic relationship truly do not understand the horror.
I was the victim of one such woman. I'm trying to understand why her husband went along with it when he knew I was innocent.
@@mrsvirginiamissouri My BDP ex would make my life hell if I didn't actively take her side in the unnecessary conflicts she created. That may have been the reason for his action.
One time my ex got angry with me because I didn't punch her friend's husband in the face because he was teasing her. Everyone was laughing and having fun, but later she was furious with me. She nagged me for months about it. She literally wanted me to punch him in the face at a frozen yogurt shop in front of his children because he was he was lightly teasing her. My failure to do so indicated I wasn't "a real man."
Can attest to this 100% as someone who has also experienced it and still is experiencing it. Hard to put into words.
My soon to-be ex wife too strongly exhibits all 9 symptoms and I've read about 5 articles and this. Every single word in every one nailed it. It really rose to the surface after our only child was born. Postpartum depression combo did it I think. Took 2 years to get therapy for myself alone and couples sessions but the damage was already done
@@AnneLien1987 It "makes you" behave that way? You have no control over yourself?
I was forever changed by my relationship with someone who had BPD. Psychological torture is really the simplest way I can describe it. Even after multiple rounds with multiple therapists, I still struggle with relationships to this day, especially romantic ones but even with friendship at times.
I feel like he’s talking directly to me. Everything he said applies. I hate BPD, it’s ruined my life.
i feel you man
Dude I can’t imagine. Years wasted in terror
I have a partner with BPD and I know it doesn’t help but my heart goes out to you. I hope that your situation gets better and you thrive 💕
I hear ya buddy, you got to find a way to move on. You deserve to live a healthy life.
My mother has BPD. I’ve learned how to modify my behavior to minimize her moods but it makes me angry that I have to change my behavior around her when she’s the one with the problem. I’ve set very firm boundaries in dealing with her. Thankfully she moved out of state a few years ago and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I would cut her out of my life completely if I didn’t feel sorry for her. I recognize that it’s not her fault. Her father was an extreme narcissist. If you have BPD I’m begging you not to have children. It will f them up for life.
Not if they get it treated. I’ve BPD and am in treatment. In a couple years, I could have children and do well. However, I just don’t want kids though. I want to make my life as stress free as possible since stress is bad for BPD.
I have been out of that loop for three years now. I recognize most of these. Due to my exposure, my own personality have changed. Where I would previously always think the best of people and give everybody a chance, I now cut relations short with borderlines and narcissists upon the first aggression. It was my forgiving and understanding persona that allowed the abuse to go on for so long. Now after shortcutting people immediately if they attack I have been able to understand and feel that the majority of people out there have no need to attack you. People with a healthy empathy, which is actually the majority of people you meet, will never use the manipulative strategies, the entitlement and will never randomly accuse you for things. And I appreciate how adult communication just works and make sense with the majority of people out there.
You are so true ! Words of experience right there . Hope u didnt let her take youre beautiful characteristics away.
🤍🇳🇱
I agree with you. Thanks for sharing.
Yup, happy you moved on.
Axis 2 will eat you up, and devour you if you are co-dependent.
I would like to say, please think the best of people - but that is not the case.
NPD, BPD, and ASPD are often hidden in plain sight and it is something that should be natural to see them for who they are. But we often fail. I failed, and sounds like you did as well. Our tickers are off, hate to say it - accept we are deficient in this. So guard against it, best we can do right - or prove me wrong (please prove me wrong).
@@justindadswell8610 I wrote that 2 years ago. My development was that I was first exposed to this 2014, in the end of 2016 I had realized that something was 'off' and began reading books, up to 2018 I tried to make a narcissist realize she had to stop hurting people (it was impossible). In 2019 I thought I was safe, but when I exposed someone in 2020 it lead to a lot of damage caused by me not walking away immediately but again believing I could help. So in 2020 I learned how to have boundaries that made me guard immediately. Once I stopped to be ok with things it was like weeding out my "friends". But I also gave more love and attention to the good people so I gained more stable long term friendships than I lost. My demands of people today are not hard or extreme, but it seems Cluster-B people simply can't handle them and they never get far with me. I know today what to look out for. I am very keen on detecting people who lacks "emotional language" which is something I noticed with Cluster-B people. They rarely if ever show or share emotions in a vulnerable way, or show compassion to yours. And they show no interest or curiosity or joy in you as a person, but just think about how you can be useful to them, so there is no two-way dialogue.
Then there are the projections. People who project or can't communicate normally and respectfully about an issue I kick out almost immediately today without looking back.
Same.
You only need to browse the BPDfamily forums for all of 5 minutes to grasp just how much pain and suffering BPD causes to their partners. pwBPD know nothing else, yet they enter the lives of these unsuspecting partners (who've no idea what they're getting themselves into) and introduce a level of pain hitherto not experienced by these partners, which will either scar them irreparably or become a truly life changing event to them, one which ushers in a very scary identity crisis that few other adults who engage in normal relationships have to go through, ever in the lives.
The idealisation, devaluation and discard that comes from being a partner of someone with BPD, whilst not chronically suffered as is the case with the BPD individual, is in of itself almost certainly more acute than anything the BPD sufferer deals with (as their primitive, immature psychological defenses protect them from the sort of painful introspection that their partners are forced to undergo).
It's the partner's ability to take accountability for their own actions, and the pwBPD's inability to take accountability for theirs, which results in the non having to bear the load for two, which is an impossible load to carry, and one that causes endless resentment regarding the pwBPD's refusal to play by the unspoken rules of the relationship that the non had thought was understood by all.
Imagine you'd a child who you loved unconditionally, and this child made your life a living hell and could not be reasoned with, who would say the most hurtful things to you and just not care about the damage they're causing, completely unable to take accountability for their own actions, then finally doing something so heinous to you that you had to give up on them, despite your unconditional love for them remaining as strong as ever in your heart. You never stop loving them, yet you have to step away for both of your good. That is traumatic, and that is the experience that the non goes through thanks to getting involved with a Borderline disordered person.
02:00 Powerlessness.
02:52 Shame and guilt.
03:41 Paranoia(BPD) and hypervigilance(PTSD).
04:20 Disdain from family, for various reasons.
07:16 Ironic fear of abandonment.
07:44 Depression.
08:23 Exposure to legal and mental health systems.
08:53 Reluctance to advocate for one self or seek support.
10:43 Having a breakup backup plan.
11:40 Concern of a violent death.
9 out of 10. I didn't have a backup plan. I would add one for after the relationship is over... an pervasive feeling of being overwhelmed accompanied by an overwhelming and pervasive anxiety
7/10
fear of a violent death isn’t smth i thought everyone experienced and i’m shocked seeing that
@@joycearmstrong1648 There was a moment when my ex was going through dissociation and she gave me firm stare without saying a word. I looked in her eyes and I saw nothing and I truly felt like she would do me harm. It was like looking into pure evil. She would often have partial seizures attributed to BPD and would wake up in these phases. Acting as if she was something else. Honestly I thought about calling a priest to do an exorcism.
6/10
Perfectly describes my personal hell for 9 years. The hardest is the shame involved in not being able to defend myself from her attacks knowing that I would be the one arrested.
I had a partner with BPD who never got help for it and she almost killed me. We talk so much about “being there for you partner” if you are not the one with the disorder, yet partners really suffer and now in talks about that. Never again. I am much more cautious and am still recovering after 5 years. Thank you for this post it’s validating and helpful.
It's one way traffic!They expect the world but are never there in return .Pouring love into a bottomless pit.
Frantic and desperate efforts to not be abandoned. They have thought out long and hard about how to make it hard to walk away without losing a lot including being seen by common friends and family as the abusive and neglectful partner when you do walk away.
There is also what you loved about the person that keeps you there. I felt like I betrayed the person because ironically there is an odd trust they put in you in order to see the mask slip. One realizes how damaged they are and feel guilt for giving up on them.
I didn’t leave as I did without a lot of thought to my own and his safety. He threatened suicide and a number of other violent scenarios if I left or if I said anything. A lot of what you said in regards to the partner applies to vulnerable narcissists as well.
Thank you for this video as I do not believe many people understand how trapped a person can feel in these relationships if you decide to leave. No matter how much you plan, it is damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I understand why people stay. Thank you again for this informative video.
Tiny House Cabin Homesteader Lane absolute truth in your comments
@Anarcho Frills some lean more to psychopathic traits but, yes, so much is reactive.
🎯
I been there and understand what you went through.
I can relate so much to the feelings of guilt -- I want to leave but feel terrible at the thought of abandoning her, yet at the same time feel like she's eating away at me with her bottomless pit of need.
Great video Dr Grande!
I am diagnosed Borderline myself. However, I agree with everything in this video. I have been dating my fiance for about 5 years now (got engaged recently). I got diagnosed in the beginning of our relationship. Due to my conservative catholic family, I had never dated anyone in my life before. That presented many many problems in our relationship: jealousy (extreme one, I'm ashamed to say), abandonment issues, problem prioritizing important activities over my SO.
It was chaos in the beginning (like after the honey moon phase, we were dating for 1.5 years)! My fiance then told me to go see someone because it isn't normal to be that way. Despite feeling all those things intensely, I also agreed. I didn't like being this way. It is completely exhausting. It takes a toll on everybody. Not just the pwBPD.
My fiance had stopped a lot of activities he loved like going to the gym, making music, and what not because it was necessary for him at the time for him to be there with me in order for me to be okay. That is not okay. This isn't healthy. Since my diagnosis I've taken upon myself to try the best I can to get better.
I work with a team that consists of one psychiatrist &one psychologist. One for my meds for borderline (anti-depressant, mood stabilizer) and for my ADHD (stimulants), my psychologist works with me a lot of things through Dialectical Behavioural strategies, grounding exercises and a lot of mindfulness and consideration of all perspectives. I also did an 11-week intensive DBT program that consisted of group therapy twice a week and individual therapy once a week. I learned a lot and I have implemented a lot of that in my day to day life. I have also downloaded a mood tracking application (moodflow, it's free btw) in order to register my pattern's of behaviours and triggers. It's helpful since you're able to choose a mood, a submood, and also write a short (or long if you prefer) note on what happened that made you input that mood. Also you can track your mood throughout the day is not just once a day and it's really helpful.
I am happy to say my partner himself has also seek for help on his own and his mental health has greatly improved. He is more social and he has engaged in activities he loves that he had abandoned due to the depression. Our relationship is based on communication and trust but also compromise. Relationships take work.
My point in writing all of this is to say that a lot of people with borderline personality disorder watching this may have their feelings hurt because they might feel like a 'monster' incapable of love and what not. BUT NO! please, really listen to Dr. Grande. If you don't have these extreme behaviours than this isn't referring to you. If this video somehow resembles your current relationship with your partner then you need to realize that those behaviours are not healthy. You can either choose to get better and salvage your relationship if it matters to you so much, or get healthy and better on your own for your own self, OR just be 'toxic' on your own. (please do not get offended, I am just trying to explain my thought).
I feel like this is a great informative video. It also helps in situation when a safety plan is needed. It's okay to walk away from confrontation to avoid them escalating. If someone threatens you you're allowed to leave. You need to care for yourself as well. If you fall trap to these patterns then you'd be like in this video... Depressed, lack of motivation for life, afraid of being alone, feeling inadequate. Please seek for help or abandon a relationship if it takes such a heavy toll on your health and mental health well-being. If you want this relationship to work that also falls on the pwBPD. they need to know themselves that they need to change and do therapy and be willing to change. If so, there are many resources for couple's therapy though individual therapy would greatly help if things are too violent or too tense for a couple's session to be conducted.
Good luck on everyone.
Once again Dr Grande, congratulations on your amazing content. I'm glad you keep appearing on my recommended!
Thank you for sharing! I'm glad things have improved for you two!💪🏽💪🏽
@Danielle Bridgeman I mean. If I knew you in person I wouldn't have any problem showing you any of my private documents stating my diagnosis. However, expecting me to send a stranger proof that contains personal information sounds delusional and rather foolish. I shared my story. I don't gain any revenue from posting comments on the internet. Why would I lie? what am I going to gain from it? Anyway, have yourself a great day.
Thanks for sharing your story. It really rings true especially the bit about being exhausting. You can't really understand this aspect of the condition unless you've endured it long term and the impact it has on Everything else that circulates throughout the relationship. We'll done to you both, keep going and wishing you both happiness and success
@@davestewart5123 thank you for such kind words, we appreciate . You're really sweet. Have a wonderful day =)
This story sounds exactly like mine. I’m not engaged, but the first year or so of dating my bf, it was all good and ‘honeymoon’ like. Then slowly, small things started triggering jealousy in me, and that jealousy turned into digging into his past, become possessive and controlling, and eventually making the relationship very toxic. Working on it as much as I can.
I always had a back up plan for when things got bad. The really bad fights always happened in the middle of the night. I would have to either endure it and stay, or get me and my child out of there in a moments notice. Often times when I would stay after a big fight I would fear falling asleep because I had the fear of being attacked in my sleep resulting in bodily harm or death. Nothing you do can make these people happy. You constantly question your self worth and value. I’ve had my ex and I in counseling and she came out of the season crying in my arms and apologizing for being so messed up and thanking me for continuing to come back and want to be with her for 2.5 years. Within 8 hrs she was back on her crazy accusations and complete devaluation of me. The longer you stay with these individuals the more you emulate their behaviors.
For me, it was often on vacation or during Holidays, when we had family obligations. There was no where to go, the kids and I couldn't escape. Thanks for posting.
blah blah People can have comorbid personality disorder traits.
blah blah Make no mistake that a person who abuses has personality disorder traits.
My backup plan eventually became moving 400 miles away. 😏 Best decision I ever made.
James Vitale this is what I may end up having to do myself. My ex has infiltrated my friends and my social circles.
I lived through this. Actually I should say survived this. I eventually hit a breaking point and I ran full speed from the toxic relationship and never looked back. It was pretty traumatic and I still have some PSD from it. That was 4 years ago.
Do you still love that person or miss them? I feel like I am trauma bonding.
I left and then returned because I felt guilty for abandoning her at her point of need -- I returned, and it is proving to be a massive mistake as I am well and truly stuck.
@@kusumlata1390 I love and miss him so much. I am watching this video so I remember the awful times
Once I made the decision to get out it was done after over 20 horrific years,
Yes I never had a proper sleep because he would want to kill me during the night
Im so much happier and safer , and so much more aware of my boundaries , what I will and wont put up with
Thanks Doc great info and forum
@@kusumlata1390 how are you doing now? I am no longer ruminating about him. I am not feeling any love at all now. I feel sorry for him and I am thankful that I got away.
I just got out of a 4 year relationship with someone who has BPD, Chronic anxiety and severe depressive disorder. I tried so hard to help her and it took me this long to realize there is no helping. I offered couples counseling even. Like you said Dr. My partner placed the blame on ALL of our issues solely on me and me alone. She was always the victim in every aspect even if I did nothing wrong. Eventually she got me to believe that I was the messed up one. I lost my brother to a drug overdose a year ago and have been experiencing large amounts of grief since then. She used this as her reason of why I don't treat her good enough. She said you changed after your brother died. Welp I was attacked finally physically by her and injured. I called the police yet she lied and is pressing charges? Good thing I have a good lawyer and I have learned the biggest lesson of all. Steer far far away from anyone with these conditions it makes a relationship IMPOSSIBLE.
My dad would be a perfectly matched candidate for all of these symptoms after years and years of physical abuse towards my mom and us as family. He finally changed, but not soon after he changed he died, unfortunately. Living your life like hell with wrong mindset and just about time find something right near your death time, is something to think of when you wanted living the good life and and maintain the healthy relationship.
Imagine a relationship where the wife has BPD and the husband is narcissistic....it’s true. Talk about a lot of chaos and violence.
War of the roses
Trauma bonds....happens every time. Like a moth to a flame.
I feel bad for the children...
@@jpch8814 i feel bad for all people when i do to much xPD research ... i shouldn't do this to myself 😅
Imagine both partners having BPD
Thank you. I have BPD and feel saddened by what you said. I intentionally never marry because of my diagnosis. I am not on the scale of physically hurting anyone ever. It is only myself that I hurt physically. I am treated btw.
I always tell any possible partner of my condition very early on. I think a lot of my partners don’t believe me. I am so sorry that having BPD makes so many other people suffer. It just sucks for all of us. If you are in danger, please leave.
That's very responsible of you. Unfortunately for me my partner wasn't diagnosed until after she cheated midway through the relationship. Now she ran off and is with him and about 6 other men after a lot of time energy money blood sweat and tears. I'm glad she's out of my life because she most certainly could have ruined it but the pain is almost unbearable. I really feel damaged right now. I wish I had known I would have never even met her.
Question - In terms of BPD exposure, I wonder how common it is for the partner to also experience signs of PTSD (anxiety, insomnia, hyper-vigilance, poor self-esteem/shame, attention difficulties, social withdrawal, irritability, even poor digestion etc). Especially if the BPD is undiagnosed and the exposed partner has no previous understanding of BPD, and thus really takes on the gaslighting/blame and is almost constantly walking on egg-shells after the honeymoon is over. I think it can feel like you’ve been hit by a truck, and the PTSD is driven home by the fact that it’s almost impossible to talk to others about what’s happening (they can’t even fathom). Reason and logic go out the window and the partner feels like they are going crazy.
All of this! 🙌
When I was in the process of leaving my ex who has BPD, my doctor did a full hormone panel on me because I was getting sick all the time, was always tired etc. Turns out my trauma response to the situation my ex husband was creating had my cortisol levels elevated from the moment I woke up, to the moment I fell asleep. She told me the extreme height of my cortisol level was equivalent to if I was a cavewoman who was guarding my babies from a stalking mountain lion who paced nonstop across the entrance of my cave.
What I’m going through right now. It really hurts.
Hope you surround yourself with all levels of support and make an exit plan if it's that bad. It's been a year and a half since I left.. hardest choice of my life due to young children being involved but I now cant believe the level of domestic unrest I was living in. I continue to heal and all my symptoms (digestion, insomnia etc) are soooo much better. Good luck! The book 'stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist' was really helpful flr me
Yeah my ex fucked me up. Cheated and gaslight me like crazy, I felt like it was my fault, and I still love her. The ride never ends
I was married to a BPD. She seemed to hate me, but did not like it when I left for work in the morning. She would often start a fight or a crisis to try and prevent me from leaving. Then when I was at work, she would text me constantly trying to get me to come home. Then she began threatening to kill herself while I was at work. A few times, I left work to go home and check on her, which put serious strain on my performance at work. Finally on one occasion when she threatened to kill herself, I called 911 and the police went over. She would not answer the door, so they kicked the door in. She was just laying in bed watching TV. This was only a small fraction of the garbage that went on. I divorced her.
I would love if you could cover "Quiet BPD"...
I was diagnosed over a year ago, and don't identify with A LOT of the information out there. (But some)
I "act in", rarely "out", (although have in my youth).
Thanks for the content. 👌🏼
He already did. Here's the link dear.
ua-cam.com/video/6LuSfLd5mbQ/v-deo.html
Out of curiosity Jenna, how do you find this BPD manifests when you drink? Does the Quiet get replaced by the repressed BPD traits (which you keep hidden due to the unsuitability of these behaviours in daily life)?
I would love to see this in the context of this video “partners of people with quiet BPD” because I have QBPD and no one would guess I have the illness if I didn’t say anything. My outbursts are ‘inbursts’ that affect me, consequently affecting my partner.
@@shaggyalonso Not at all, in my opinion.
I drink probably every other week, always when going out, usually with my partner.
If anything I'm just more giggly and boisterous. Not problematic or volatile at all.
I think it just really depends on what kind of "drunk" you are, if you know what I mean?
I also don't drink to excess, I know my limits and rarely even have a hangover. (I'm 32 if that matters)
@@mattg7952 Thank you so much!
You nailed it. I am surprised how accurate your signs are--truely 100% spot-on. All of the elements listed were common to my own experience to the nth degree. I laughed out loud when you mentioned law enforement interactions--never in my life did I have any meaningful proximity to police, but I grew very used to their presence.
For anyone in this sort of relationship, please read Stop Walking On Eggshells.
Get. Out.
"Get.Out." Yes.
You beat me to it. Absolutely 100% bang on.
@Ambiguous Nut Case 😢
People with BPD can have healthy relationships. It's not fair to paint everyone with the same brush. Since there are 9 diagnostic criteria and you don't have to have all of them to be diagnosed, there are many combinations of symptoms and everyone's expression of those symptoms is different.
Gina Marie exactly!! Some of these comments really fricken hurt 😞 having BPD sucks and people make sure it's clear you are not wanted around
I got 10 out of 10. I can tell I have my own issues but this confirmed my suspicions. Thank you for the insightful analysis and reasonable interpretation of BPD behaviors and their effects.
@@littlemiss8770 Yep, it's not paranoia when they really are out to get you. Interesting comment
@@ttrainor70 I replied to your comment in detail but I don't see it now. Nevertheless, I'll just say that I found your comment to be interesting as well, which is why I replied. Thanks.
@Tim Trainor 10 out of 10 dude. Wow, you condescend to Dr. Grande “insightful analysis reasonable interpretation” how “big” of you 🤣 U must live that Victim status!
@@littlemiss8770 His comment was boring.
@@ttrainor70 Are they really out yo get you? BPD is a neurobiological condition. You are paranoid!
These are very helpful insights. A person who is in a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder does not know it until it is too late - if ever. So reviewing these symptoms (effects) of being in a bad relationship may allow a person to conclude that his or her partner may have BPD. The thing is, you don't need a formal diagnosis in order to act on your observation, and in your own interest. The BPD-like partner will keep you undermined in perpetuity. Step back and try to get the big picture into focus so that you can understand what is really going on and thereby give yourself a chance to review your options for getting out.
Really hurts when you didnt realise until a few weeks after the breakup. Researching everything, now i feel very sad for the woman. She left me then blocked me. I think she knew and didnt want to hurt me more. I miss her though.
Why , help that people . I have borderline but I’m still so empath and I’m not a mean person . Why you will leave somebody like that ?
Had a breakup 2 months ago with an (undiagnosed) girl after 4 years and I'm 99% she has BDP - constantly changing moods, nothing was ever good enough, it felt like I'm with a different person every 2 weeks, frequently changing interests, goals and values, shouting with no reason at all (at me and her family members), she tried to act masculine from time to time, very disorganized, trying to act and sound smarter than she actually is, always asked for some kind of validation, openly stating to me that she's "unique"... Also, definitely caries unprocessed CPTSD from childhood due to physical abuse from her father and having a life threatening operation, both around age of 14.... and when our relationship ended, she said "I want to be alone for a long time, I need to work on myself". I said to her "Trust me, you won't be alone".
One month later, she found another guy, another "soulmate", deeply "in love" and he "understands her like no one before", just the things she said to me after just few weeks of our relationship.
And there goes another cycle of hers.
They will never change.
Brilliant video and of a much needed kind. I work in law (lawyer) and I'd not hesitate to put 50% of crimes and/or domestic problems/divorces down to poor mental health. We need more insight from the likes of yourself about the interaction between mental health sufferers and their partners/carers/family/friends/colleagues. Thank you ever so much!!! God bless.
@The Jezebel Resistance Great comment, you hit the nail right on the head, thank you.
@The Jezebel Resistance Same here brother, who would have known that people like that exist. God bless you. It's sad it has to get to the point of vindication, but take care of you because abusers always blame you.
@The Jezebel Resistance Amen
Like don’t lots of people with a Borderline have their own mental health problems too?
My partner with bpd (ex now) is male and I'm female. All that you said is accurate and for me it was extreme, i have severe ptsd from the cruelty, the frequent abandonments, the verbal and physical abuse. And yes I felt it was almost a fait accomplis that I would die and I felt to blame by staying. So I had a note in the house for police explaining that i was aware that he had bpd and that i knew by staying that there was a risk I may die and to take into account his disorder and the fact I placed myself in harms way. To hopefully take some blame myself and make things less bad for him. I disagree with my then thought processes completely now. But I was living in an upside down world then. It's only luck I'm still alive and even though my body survived, the relationship destroyed me mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, socially, and left me a shell of a person.
You nailed it, Dr Grande. One other thing I found (#11?) ,was that I constantly tried to stay with her because I knew (and she often told me) how distressed she became at any form of abandonment. And because I loved her I didn't want her to feel abandoned and therefore distressed - which was to my own detriment. I ended the relationship only when she physically attacked me for the second time - that was my boundary.
This is EXACTLY the relationship with my ex. Every fight we ever had she started. I never knew where I was with her. I was a pariah for years, everyone else sided with her and I was seen as not being good enough for her. When she inevitably left, she had absolutley no empathy whatsoever of the position she left me in. Only years later (far too late for me) did everyone realise the reality of the situation after she pretty much abandoned everyone including people who cared about her, such was her paranoia. She moved away and cut off all contact with friends leaving everyone in a state of wtf! I was like 'see, told you!' They only ever see themselves as the victim.
There is something so calming about the cadence of your videos. Intro, in-depth review of subject, and same wrap up in every video. My husband is amused by my excitement when you upload another video 😂
Same here LOL
Ha here too
Glad you’ve covered this, I was in a relationship with someone with BPD for a year and it was really difficult. The thing you said about feeling like you’re complaining about an uncomfortable chair is scarily accurate to how I felt when talking about my feelings at the time.
Coming out of a nine year bpd relationship. It's been 4 months, trying to stay strong! This is so helpful. Thank you Dr. Grande.
I have a question. Did that person ever attempted to seek therapy?
@@drunkenrampage1588 Our divorce was finalized last month. She started therapy a month before then in a desperate attempt to appease me to get back together. Although I'm not sure how sincerely she will follow through.
I'm a week free of leaving my BPD gf after a little over a year together. I feel like I'm the one with BPD. This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure if anything she told me was true or not. She is a master manipulator to the point it's scary. She would change from crying no tears to full on anger outbursts in a second.
I was isolated from the people I love. Her episodes were hours long and she would start arguments and then blame it all on me when I would react angrily that we were fighting about nothing. She would follow me from room to room berating me and yelling. She would block me from leaving the house when I tried to escape the argument and get space from her. I would tell her to stop and to leave me alone and she just couldn't. I would try and sleep and she would keep me awake and keep the fight going to the point it made me want to lash out at her.
It's been an absolute nightmare. She called the police during our last fight that she started and that she kept going for 5 hours and that was the catalyst for me leaving. I left with what I could gather and now I'm just trying to find my sanity again. She even tried to get me to go back to her a few days later. Never ever going back.
My BPD partner actually said, "I'm going to kill you in your sleep!" It took me a while to understand that she was actually serious.
sure. serious.
@@nancyalywahby2784: See Jodi Arias.
I left my wife in December after a threat to kill me in my sleep. She had pointed a gun at me and tried to hit me with a car before. I decided not to stick around and wait for her to follow through or succeed. The biggest problem I've seen in encouraging therapy is that the individual with BPD believes they don't need it because all their emotions and subsequent actions they feel are justified and a result of everyone else not behaving to their liking
I had a mental breakdown when I was in a relationship with my BPD partner.
It's a very serious thing.
I ended up staying with her to be cheated on.
The impression she gave was that I deserved it because i didnt meet her impossible needs.
I was in a relationship with a woman with BPD. While she could be most enjoyable socially & in private, she was always secretive & distrusting. She was also excessively controlling. Consequently, the relationship had it's continual limits. Ultimately, she left me because of my limits. In the end of the relationship, I suffered a 4mo depression & some PTSD. The relationship was 3yrs in length. It'll probably take me a yr to get past, even with the counseling that I engaged. However, I believe that I'll always have fond & dear memories of her.
I was involved with a woman with "Quiet" BPD who is high functioning so most of these signs never occurred. Perhaps a video on those signs someday?
Instead everything went seemingly perfectly until she broke up with me over nothing. I was of course then in sign #1 of having no clue what happened or why. It took me over a year of trying to reestablish a relationship to even figure out what was going on. But the Quiet BPD, rather than being clingy and frantic to Hoover someone back in isolates and pushes away to avoid being hurt by what they believe will be the inevitable abandonment.
In some ways I suspect it's harder to disengage from a Quiet one than an Externalizing one. While they do the splitting/idealization/devaluation and push-pull thing and might occasionally emotionally dysregulate and do the paranoia thing [in our case only once] they internalize and hide all the rage and threats and abuse to such an extent the partner doesn't necessarily have a reason to want to end the relationship. Instead of being pursued by an emotional train wreck I found myself pursuing a kind of Sphinx who, it took me many months to realize, was much more than just a girl afraid of being hurt.
But untreated they're no more capable of a stable and healthy relationship than a conventional case of BPD.
This was my situation and it really is a wild ride. The not knowing why and how it got so bad. I still get the urge to be with her but i know deep down this is not a healthy relationship to be in at all
I felt trapped in a relationship with a BPD... after my brothers suicide, I was an emotional wreck. She made attempts to comfort me when I was at my most depressed... but when I wasn't depressed, she was incredibly depressed over her relationships with family so I would support her... and she even mentioned that she would commit suicide if I ever left her, which made it impossible for me to actually break up with her when I wanted to. I couldn't face having 2 suicides on my conscience, so I stayed with her for years when I really just wanted out. I finally bit the bullet and broke up with her, she had a mental breakdown and then immediately found a random guy on a dating site to get back at me within a week (who also got her pregnant)
I'm so glad I'm free, and I'm glad she didn't actually go through with any suicide attempts. That was a hard lesson, for the years I was with her, I was wondering what was wrong with her and with me... but finding out she was clinically diagnosed as borderline after I broke up with her, it makes a lot of sense now...
While it can be scary to have your partner threaten suicide, it's much better to leave that relationship. If this happens in future relationships don't be afraid to just call the police if you are scared they will actually do it.
Threatening suicide to keep someone around is not love. It's abuse.
My current partner is not threatening suicide, but she talks about how she doesn't want to be alive, wishes she was dead and tells me she will end up killing herself, how she's bought a rope etc. -- it's not a direct threat, but that is more scary as it feels like a genuine possibility.
I need to escape this so very much, it's horrible.
@@Synchrodipity you should definitely rethink your relationship. I can't tell you what exactly to say or do.
In my exerience... I said, "I just need to take a week off from hanging out everyday and just focus on what I need to do with my life for a bit." (Parahprasing)
That alone made her automatically assume that I had another women on the side, which I didn't... and after a few days of me not driving to see her, she started freaking out and spamming me with texts and calls while I was at work.
She didn't answer me after that week was over, I later found out she had a mental breakdown and went to the hospital and then was diagnosed with BPD and also went into therapy...
Idk, she had a lot of issues over her family and she couldn't stand it if I talked to any other women even if I had to because they are my co-workers who also have their own relationships.
It was a weird experience for those years. I am glad I am free.
@@Synchrodipity I hope that things get better for you. And that your able to break free from this toxic relationship. Hopefully you both can get individual counseling and you can move forward with your life.
So helpful, thankyou. The amount of blame shifting from my BPD partner has almost sent me crazy. Although i am very concerned for the amount of suffering my partner undergoes with this condition, it was very grounding and reassuring to hear the effects on the partner (me). This helps me to realise i am not im fact, going insane.
Thanks for your videos😊I wonder why we BPD people can feel normal and happy (and be high function at work) for days and suddenly everything comes back😂.
I had to ask my wife of nine and a half years to leave our home this past summer. I had concluded that she was deeply narcissistic … but a lot of these things sound a lot like her as well.... according to her she had anxiety, and some OCD. I'm in recovery for CPTSD, as my father was/is NPD (officially ), for the record , I have ADHD as well (late diagnosis, two years ago this month, a week prior to my 47th bday).
She was NEVER physically abusive. Though, towards the end, her deep need to invalidate and devalue me caused her to put me in literal existential danger on more than one occasion. She spent considerable energy, over a period of years, being hypercritical and trying to convince me that I was "just like" my father - a year into the relationship I had shared with her my DEEP fear that I was just like him - and she reassured me that I was nothing like him as I am I touch with my empathy, and I have no problem apologizing and holding myself accountable for my actions....did I mention she was an actor?
Thank you for all that information. I am living with a woman with BPD. She has been more physically and verbally abusive for the last couple of years. We have been together for almost 10 years. She is now starting to stab things with knives. She used to only destroy her own things but now she is cutting and stabbing my things. I have become fearful of even going home.
This is such great content to be putting on UA-cam. This is the kind of psychology content that can really help people in a meaningful way without a psychologist being able to sit down with the person one-on-one. I'm very happy that you are producing this kind of material, as I'm sure that this is more than just interesting for people, but it can directly help those in these kinds of situations. Thank you.
@Danielle Bridgeman Well, that was random and unnecessarily hostile.
This is very helpful and educational I have been married to a man for 4 years with borderline personality disorder and it has been a roller coaster ride he is a great person when he doesn’t turn into the hulk , there has been times where I feel like ending the relationship because he was very physically abusive to me in the past his aggressive behavior was crazy and uncontrollable, he was also very suicidal I have stayed with him through it all trying to learn more about the disorder and helping get through months of therapy my advice for women dealing with a person with borderline personality disorder is to definitely get therapy yourself if you love and want to help the person and to educate yourself . And to set boundaries living with a person with this disorder , feels like you are walking on eggshells sometimes so it’s the importance of educating ourselves can definitely help the relationship.
I grew up with a mother with borderline. Very important for a society to be aware of. This is a very good video, summing up the exposure of bpd.
Thanks so much. I’m a BPD abuse survivor. 6 months out and I know I did the right thing but I’m still in withdrawal and think about her. Pw BPD say ‘I hate you, don’t leave’ their partners saying should be ‘I love you, you are terrible’.
Definitely my favorite video thus far! It's validating to hear a seasoned professional address these issues from clinical experience. That way, it really cannot be reasonably disputed. This video is going to educate so many people; hopefully including some who use these EXACT STATEMENTS due to their ignorance, naivete or willful lack of empathy when addressing men in these types of relationships. The frustration of consistently dealing with any of these signs of exposure over an extended period of time, (like in a marriage and/or when children are involved) is an explanation for why many men become depressed and resigned to possibly dying at his partner's hands, (especially if she randomly threatens to poison him while cooking dinner)! You're confused, you actually love her and want to help her, you have a family together, you made vows, you have your own issues too, it's embarrassing as a man, etc, etc. This video hit the nail on the head. I am grateful that you made a video bringing awareness to this issue, so that anybody who may currently be in this situation can feel encouraged and possibly share it with their own family, friends, lawyers, etc. and figure out the best way to handle their situation. Excellent advice, Doc! Not all relationships can be salvaged. And the sad part is, when the partner waits too long to truly address the issues, their innocent children often suffer as a result of their relationship conflicts. Thanks again for educating the masses! I'm sure this will resonate with many and save some lives along the way.💪🏽💪🏽
this is a very underrated topic but an extreme epidemic. Literally I went through every single thing in this list, if I can turn back time and never meet my ex-girlfriend I would 100% do that. She completely damaged me, she was never able to accept fault for things that she did wrong, she was the definition of borderline and I regret ever meeting her. I really hope I recover soon
I’m in a relationship right now with someone I strongly suspect has bpd but doesn’t have the money for a therapist. This video cleared a lot up for me. I’ve been struggling a lot with our relationship and feeling inadequate and paranoid. I can’t do it anymore
Run! Trust me. You can’t help them. They are mentally I’ll and you will be too if you don’t get out! Go No Contact!
I want to share the fact that some BPD afflicted persons are also skilled at manipulating the legal system, as well as shelters for abused spouses and their associated counselors. Here in Wyoming, your spouse can legally destroy anything and everything that you own. That's right, they can go off on a violent outburst and throw bricks through your windshield, batter down bedroom doors with a hammer, slash tires, take a hammer to electronics, or anything else they feel will hurt you the most. Beware, it gets pretty expensive pretty quick, and you can probably get charged with domestic assault if you try to stop the violence. I wonder how many other states are like Wyoming? Protect yourselves, wear a body cam, record everything, as they will try their absolute best to bait you into legal trouble.
Thank you so much for this video.
I'm in recovery at the moment and I showed this to my ex and she completely related.
It was really painful to see the effects our relationship had on her.
She felt herd and validated. And hopefully will be able to heal.
And I hope to learn, I so deeply want to be able to in that place without causing such hurt.
Thank you so much.
This is the difference between BPD and NPD. An NPD would never even care to validate what there partner goes through or went through because if them.
This video is the only resource I can find on this topic. You hit the head on the nail. I wish there were more researcher on this topic and just how damaging this personality disorder can be to people with prolonged exposure.
I dated a girl for 7 years... when things got tough she’d constantly gaslight me about us breaking up just so I would overcompensate wanting you stay together but to fix things, I’d blame myself and she would basically forget she ever said anything. She would constantly belittle and devalue me, and when things got really bad she would sometimes finally break down, apologize, and say she’d “work on it” and it was good for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks but she’d always revert to devalue me. I’ve dated women and I always loved just messing around and wrestle/tickle, goof off... but I never could with my X-BPD because even though she’d try and goof around there would be a switch in her eyes where she would go cold and look at me like she wanted to kill me. The weirdest shift ever I can’t explain there was this look in her eyes... She’d constantly tell me that it was all about me and my world, but the reality is she was projecting... it was all about her and her needs... because if at any time if something was wrong guess who’s fault it always was...mine.
It sounds more like a narcissist
Lola Gul you might be right... I’m still working it out myself... been in therapy for a year now... however when it comes to NPD she could and would display wide arrays of emotion and at times had empathy enough to cry for movies and etc, but was more than capable of turning that off when it came to conflict resolution, she’d have none.
What you say about the eyes is true. It is narcissistic rage without the overt violence at that moment. When they look at you with that look in their eyes, you know they want you dead.
Covert narcissist
My untreated BDP (maybe a covert narcissist too) partner for 5 years ended up devaluing me and having as her favorite new person a "friend" of mine that clearly has grandiose narcissistic traits. We have a daughter. Adding up the 5 years of abuse plus the double betrayal I ended up with severe PTSD symptoms, all of them.
I am working my ass out as a single dad to snap out of this "dark night of the soul" situation because I don't plan on letting this shit linger inside of me for years. Life is too short to dwell in the past and waste precious time living in trauma.
She had anger outbursts, mainly screaming and name calling. She didn't get physical with me but she festered on our daughter that was starting to show trauma symptoms, injuring herself out of frustration.
She also had abandonment issues and extreme jealously. Trying to talk to her was the impossible. Jumpy, reactive, gaslighting as a norm, blame shifting, etc
It truly is like being hit by a truck several times.
The shortest version of it I can give is: Don't.
Simply don't.
You cannot help this person and will not gain anything good.
Protect yourself, support your friends, protect your friends.
🥺🥺 why
I have a son with a borderline. It was an entrapment pregnancy designed to keep from moving away for my career. It didn’t work, and I moved away. Nonetheless, through my relationship with our son she was able to wreak absolute emotional chaos in my life. Eventually, in order to protect my wife and our son from the borderline’s drama, I had to move on from the situation. It proved to be a very positive decision, though not an easy one. A very good psychologist helped me unwind the damage that long term interaction with the borderline caused.
Me (has BPD): lowers volume when partner comes in
Partner: thinks I’m watching porn because my face is red. Shame looks the same.
Literally happened to me. So frustrating.
This video was eye opening and validating for me. My borderline relationship was years ago but i still revist this video and it lingers over me. I pray for whoever she ends up with.
I just had a friend do an emotional drive-by on me. Having healed from CPTSD (myriad abuse ongoing, growing up), I have power-boundaries and my response to manipulation is one that is firm and clear, and no BS. She simply called me “aggressive” for asserting myself and continued in her delusion. Reflecting on the experience and her full suite of behavior, it became clear that there was some splitting taking place, and the fabrication of problems where there weren’t any in order to create an abandonment scenario to sabotage the relationship. Honestly, I questioned this initially as narcissism, but the distinct pattern of BPD is evident here. I’d like to support her to get help, but I’m not sure if I even want to contact her because, again, power-boundaries.
I related to a lot of this, some of the symptoms of BPD seemed almost to be contagious. Guilt and shame and paranoia.
It can seem like this...It might well be an artifact of interpersonal projective identification. If so, look out! Detach! Even with awareness it's so hard to interrupt this pattern and it can start to work both ways, as you've noticed.
I'm in a relationship with someone with bpd for many years. I feel like you nailed it. And if I say anything about how I feel I'm "playing the victim". Its an ongoing cycle that hasn't stopped for around 10 years. I feel like I am trapped because I do love her and want to make it work but I also fear for my future with this partner. You never know what will happen to you if you stick around and when they're gone and took away your everything what do you do then?
You get your life back. Get out of the toxicity and get your life back.
Just got out of a 4 year relationship with someone with BPD. We broke up and got back together over the years about 17 times. This time I dont want them back! I feel so free and I'm not walking on eggshells all the time and I can just live my own life and not have to worry about what kind of mood my partner is going to be in. It turned into abuse. Be free!!!!
Hi Dr. Grande, as a person with BPD 8 of 9 of the BPD spectrum, I sometimes can't deal with my rage which comes out of nowhere or its triggered by something, but I respond so fast I don't remember what it was that got me to go off so extremely . The depression I get is major and I have yet to find a antidepressant one that works. I have attempted suicide 4 times because of impulse . My husband of 30 years is the recipient of my rage and anger and I feel bad when this occurs. I can become violent but have been able to hold back from physical contact. I have tried CBT and DBT I am at times do become aware to control my emotion but mostly its a waste . I listen to most of your videos and have learned a lot from them, you are so concise and so knowledgable to this disorder . I save some of your videos as I find them helpful to go back to. Thank you .
I was not aware of the term Borderline Personality Disorder until months before my wife of 31 years passed away. From the very start of our relationship, began to experience many of these indicators until a few years in. Now I realize I was experiencing ALL 10 of these indicators/symptoms. Her passing was rather sudden in that she developed cancer that ultimately took her life withing 6 months.
This information is very helpful in trying to reconcile my own mental health. I'm in a new marriage to a partner who is a highly skilled medical professional and understands the dynamics associated with BPD. Thank you for your post and information.
I met this woman who I had an incredibly deep connection with. We became partners. I began to notice the traits of BPD. Unfortunately I did not know any thing about BPD at the time. Well it was very painful and hard for me to be able understand. We traveled and while in Thailand at our Hotel we had a disagreement.
She killed herself that day in a very dramatic way.
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the guilt. She chose that, not you. My abusive BPD ex used to threaten suicide every disagreement.
@@asmrtpop2676 yes my partner would threaten Suicide as well. I truly understand.
Thanks for your reply. Be well..
Don’t walk away . RUN away . What destruction they can cause . Sorry if this hurts feelings but as a friend of a bpd it’s rough I wouldn’t be able to handle anything closer like an intimate relationship.
This is part of why mental health education, anti- stigma-work and access to therapy are so important. In order to recognise symptoms in oneself and others sooner, in order to be able to talk about it without judegment and shame, and in order to actually get better and have a more stable relationship. I think most places in the world are still lacking in all three of those things. :-(
Another outstanding discussion about personality disorders. The exceptional understanding conveyed here should serve as a warning to all of us against tolerating a romantic partner who "behaves badly." We are powerless to assist them, and it is not our responsibility to do so. Leave the person, and even better, avoid getting involved, if you sense a person is "off," regardless of how attractive he or she may be.
Wow! I am so glad that you created this video! I identified so much with several of the affects, I actually brought hope! Something I have almost lost!
After 20 years I’m free now from my bpd wife. Regrettably she passed away soon afterwards, I suffer from guilt because of this tho I know I shouldn’t and I’m embarrassing to say out loud, a year and a half later I think i may even be suffering from some kind of ptsd. :( thank you for this video.
I love your calm teaching style! Thank you Dr. Grande 💕
it’s impressive how detailed and wise how comprehensive your discussions are, notably including practical insights about lived experience. thx.
My first relationship was with someone who had BPD, worst relationshit ever! Don’t move together with people like these, it will traumatize you. It was such an exhausting emotional rollercoaster, the splitting will make you mad too and the rage is scary. I was left with C-PTSD after living for one year with someone who I tried to help and love, it’s impossible and pointless. Only if they have been for years in DBT therapy and admit that they are the problem then just maybe the relationship might be worth it, otherwise forget it. The affection and great sex in the beginning is only there to hook you in, but you will pay a high price for it. They are not called emotional vampires without a reason.
This is VERY much like living with a sibling with BPD. Thanks for yet another entertaining and informative video!
Randomly attacked for seemingly no reason. Powerlessness. Your video is a documentary of my past relationship
You absolutely nailed it.
I'm sitting here after two years wondering why I've no friends. Barely able to work. Lost weight. Lack of confidence. Yesterday I was sitting here wondering if I was going to be arrested after yet another Police intervention but one I had nothing to do with. Police failed to communicate with as well.
It's all so sad. For us both. I know I'm half the man I was. She hasn't changed at all.
Leave
A very accurate description. I found that I had to get a door between me and the verbal abuse and then it wasn't so bad if it wasn't face to face. I felt like fitting bolts to the door of the spare room so I could lock myself in until she calmed down. I didn't want to hurt her and shutting her out was the safest option.
I was in a relationship with bpd girl for 3 years. The symptoms were not too strong, but i realized that I got mental illness.
She was moody, very angry if you didn't do anything that she wanted, she asked me to stop connecting with any girls, even my colleagues. When I wanted to leave her, she told me to kill herself. But she broke up a lot and came back several times.
Please care of yourself.
Thank you Dr. G. It was a very simple and informative list. I think I may have developed some of them as my ex exhibited signs of bi polar/bpd. We were together for 5 years and I didn't realize the paranoia was related to the bpd exposure. Thank you again. I love your videos.
I had no idea this is what I was going through. Thank you for this video.
Thanks bro I don’t think you understand how helpful this video is, especially the last few minutes.
i have bpd and dont ever really have romantic relationships, I dont know how people can do it
@Cassie I'd like to ask - if you are fully aware you have BPD and what the symptoms are, does that make you less likely to behave inappropriately, or is it like a red mist descends and you just can't control yourself?
@Cassie So knowing you have the condition versus being oblivious doesn't really change anything then?
MY GF is also BPD, but refuses to acknowledge or get any help, so I can't have a productive discussion with her about it.
You sound like if you have a boyfriend you could have that discussion, which must help a lot.
I’ve BPD and am asexual and thank god! It gave me a free pass out of that shit show!
Love content like this that gives me further insight on my past relationship, I'm a recovering addict and dated someone with BPD. I still care for them and have immense love for them but this is incredibly accurate. If you're dating someone with BPD you should be fully aware of their behaviours, I wish I had taken the time to educate myself as opposed to learning direclty from them so I was better prepared for the ongoing conflicts that we had. Thank you for this content.
Thank you for your insight. I got out of a relationship 2 years ago. It was the hardest thing to do but I was tired of living in fear of the aggression and threats to my life. If they would eventually manifest who knows but the overall stress was not healthy. I am a better person today for breaking free.
And I'm no longer in contact with him since then.
Not healthy for either of us.
We left things on a positive note and well wishes for the future.
I just left a relationship with a partner who might've had BPD. She was told by 2 therapists that it was bipolar but she felt it was more BPD than anything. Thankfully she agreed to therapy and I think she did go to at least the first appointment (it was for a really solid DBT program) and I wish her all the best. It's just sad that I spent so much time trying to get her well and focusing all on her when I was so sick. Now that I'm out of it, I think part of me being sick was stress from handling her. It really was all about her all the time.
I've been studying psychology for almost 30 years and I have to say that you're incredibly good at telling how the events/situations can be look exactly 👍
This was insightful and informative. Recognized 9 out of the 10 signs.
I absolutely love you for this man, I was with a girl for 5 years who had bpd. I felt like I lost myself I was completely miserable. Every thing you spoke about was spot on I'm just now starting to understand. Thankyou my friend
Hello, I discovered your videos recently and wanted to say thank you. I was given a diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder last year and while I already had spent some time looking at the information available, a lot of the explanations and information you share have helped me greatly to understand a lot about what this diagnosis is about and also to have stronger ideas for what I can focus on with therapeutic treatment, once this is available. I like that you take a balanced and realistic approach to the subjects you’re discussing, and I think that once I feel safe to engage in relationships again, many of your videos will be a great resource to share with people to help explain BPD.
I haven't spoken with my ex in 3 weeks she blocked me on everything after splitting and the hardest thing to come to terms with is if she ever even loved me at all or if it was all a game.
@Danielle Bridgeman ironically enough we actually texted all day yesterday after 3 weeks NC and thing s seemed"ok"she updated me on life we hashed some stuff out and had a positive overall interaction. She texted me this morning asking wyd i responded and havent heard from her since 830 am nd she still didnt unblock me. She for sure is Borderline but yes its starting to look like she has strong narc tendencies
Can you do a video on Friendships with a high functioning borderline? Do you recommend it or not and what are some criteria to go by? (setting boundaries). I had a friendship with a borderline but the confrontation of “why aren’t you answering your phone” if I missed 1 day of talking to her was TOO MUCH. Also contacting my job to find me was a little creepy when she hadn’t heard from me. Other than that, she was a a caring friend with a ton of personality, but those behaviors are a big trigger for me. (Don’t like it). I didn’t like being “Favorite Person.”
Great video Doc, having just been on the rough end of 3 years with a BPD it has left me quite broken. Thank You for laying it out this way 🙏🏻
This was an excellent video Dr. Grande!
Wow, how difficult and sad a relationship as such must be.
I think education is essential and obviously treatment as well. That’s why what you do is of paramount importance Dr. Grande. You are educating the community in so many valuable topics. In addition, the information you present is scientifically informed making you a trustworthy channel for the community. That’s the main reason why I subscribed to your channel, because everything you say is backed up by science.
Thank you again!
He is great!
Understanding this helps my narrative profoundly thank you.
Doctor Grande you’re an amazing person and your knowledge and ability to deliver the knowledge in such a simple manner is spot on
you don't know how much I needed this. when you started speaking on the fear of being killed by your BPD partner I burst into tears. how horrible it is to hear and to live like that is accepted just as you said also. mine is in jail waiting for 2 court dates in 2 different counties for domestic assault over 2 months ago. in a 4 year relations ship the last 9 months he had become violent and the 1st 2 years things were so good. I didnt Kno anything about bpd at all and only learned after he went to jail and I started researching what could have happened because I knew something must be wrong. I thought he was going to kill me that day. if he had made it to the woods where we almost were I think he mite have. in a rage it was all he could see. what I have been struggling with since the minute I ran that day is this..il would have let him. I probably would have done whatever he said and let him. I didn't fight back the times he hurt me. why? why why why when most of the times I had a knife near me but I knew I would have to hurt him and could kill him and I couldn't. what is wrong with me? up until a few minutes ago I thought I was just me. keep making these for the ones of us who damaged ourselves badly by loving these people. I love that man I can't lie and idk what to do when he is released. if he is raging there will be trouble;.
I am sorry to interfere with my opinion, but mental disorder is no excuse to accept abuse and disrespect. It doesn't matter the condition, you are not his psychiatrist. At all costs your and others safety should be priority. I assume it is difficult to run away for various reasons but consulting attorneys, domestic violence support centers could be a place to start. I think support network is very, very important in this case, and should be priority number 1, because you are not alone in this and additionally- the right people, knowledge and resources are crucial to figuring a way to resolve the situation in a safe and effective way. Beware that domestic violence support centers deal with various situations and would have ideas, contacts,resources and information which most people lack. Again, beware that most people in your situation would feel frightened and confused, because of the isolation the partner aims and the constant emotional and psychological/physical abuse. This means that you can get through this! You are incredible and capable human being which doesn't deserve this attitude from anyone. I am sending love and healing, I wish you strength on you journey!
Your videos on this topic have been very validating to me, Dr. Grande. Thank you so much!
this was excellent on every point. this guy was born wirth the empathy that many therapists do not have. thank you Grande.
well said. Thanks Doctor Grande
darn this hit home hard.. i entered a relationship at 17 with a girl that had borderline and she was extremely paranoid of me cheating (which i have never done anyway) so we isolated ourself, and she got worse and worse, she often beat me and very frequently ran to the kitchen to get a knife and threaten to kill me or herself.. i lost all my friends, barely saw family and i believe either one of us was gonna end up dead one day.
Everytime i tried to leave she stalked me and could persuade me to get back.. after we finished for good i fell into a depression and loathed myself with drugs and alcohol, now we're 10 years later, im getting better, i'm clean, but i'm not the happy person i was before