I suffered narcissist abuse for 50 years. I thought there was no hope. I didn't think I had anything to give. I lost myself so long ago; I only drew blanks when I tried to think what to do each day other than go through the motions of cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the narc. And in the last few years, I was barely getting that done. But I am finding me! After over two years of listening, taking courses from Dr. and other professionals I I am much better. I grieve the lost years of my life to a narc and the family I married into. But I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so glad to see a way to live other than just wishing I could give reactive abuse.
@@LouisaWatt I figured out that ‘Good People’ that play by the Rules, & were taught the Golden Rules are ingrained in our Heart, Mind, Psyche, & Spirit with solid BELIEFS about Life. It is a Naiveté that being a good example will somehow Rub-off on the Narcissist & be reciprocated ONCE the wounded Narc has enough PROOF of our Love! The lesson I have learned, is that there is more than one Set of Rules in Life, & the Narcissist’s Rules are opposite of the Golden Rules. In Psychology the Terms are: Toxic, Malignant, & Dark Triad & Dark Tetrad! So the Narc is Alien to everything that made sense, in a Good, Fair World of Empathy, Caring, Love, & Reciprocation of Goals & Intent with closest Relationships. Regular Golden Rule People are PROJECTING their SOLID BELIEFS About LIFE! Solid Beliefs, CAN & DO, sometimes, fall into the Psychological Category of “FALSE BELIEFS.” They are Solid Beliefs all right… But they are FALSE according to the Standardized Normal for Society. So,It’s Like learning how to SKI CORRECTLY, after learning & Skiing Incorrectly for many years. You first have to UNLEARN Your Mistakes, & that Involves Erasing a MUSCLE MEMORY, BRAIN GROOVE PERMANENT COGNITION FALSE BELIEF most likely, taught since the time of being an Infant… “Say please! ThankYou! Play Nice!” But, YES… Unknowingly, the GOLDEN PEOPLE Become ENABLING FLYING MONKEYS! What has helped me, is Learning of GOD’s PRINCIPLES, which TRUE LOVE, Includes JUSTICE & CONSEQUENCES for actions, & not only Blessings & Mercy! GOD, is Not a Pooh-Bear GOD that holds our hand, skipping & whistling all the way to the Gates of Hell! NO! HE Lives us enough that we Suffer Small Lessons Along the Way, as the Laws of Justice are invoked. As you may have Guessed, Justice is not my Natural Disposition of Character. But, I do not want to Hold my Loved-Ones Hands to the Gates of Hell! So, I’m learning of another Realm of TRUE LOVE… JUSTICE! Also, we can FORGIVE, & then TURN the OTHER CHEEK… AND WALK AWAY! I really do not think that we are meant to ‘Turn the Other Cheek & Get Slapped Again!’ 🙏🏻Blessings! 🌸☀️🕊🍃
Yep this is true, but I give as much as I get. she thinks she can win, but she never really does, I just spend heaps of time in my own company and simply enjoy the things I like to do and at that point, no one is invited in that part of my life.
@williambuckley1185 I remember my very much ex-husband saying to my mum,'she gives as good as she gets,' to which my mum replied,'Ah, but she shouldn't GET'
Damn, I’m going on the 10th year and thought that was the longest in history. I’m so sorry. I’m trying to get out the best I can without him harming himself.
the best protection (besides strong boundaries) against a narcissist is your strong self-esteem and self-respect. your self-love has to be louder than your desire to be loved. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
The narcissist killed the love i felt for him, the more he showed his true self the less I could love him and starting realizing I had to run away from him.
@@SurvivingNarcissism so is my sibling. I have been no contact for 2 years with this sibling, My sibling, the golden child, wanted to perpetuate the scapegoat narrative my mother forced on me for decades.
Mine,too. Horrific treatment at the hands of her father. Explained so much. I was actually so proud of her for understanding when I went very limited contact and it made it easier for me. She was disappeared by an armed home invader for no reason. 😢
I still don't know how to put into words the gratitude I have, the fact that you are such an experienced professional and have the ability to better rewrite all the mental programs implemented by these evil individuals has helped me tremendously, I've had a long road to healing and I'm finally starting to see reality for what it is. thank you! The peace of mind that I thought I would never have again has found its place!! I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart!!
I found it remarkable that they imagined that the answer to the issue of creating rapidly increasing distance because of all the abuse was to further intensify the abuse. Because, apparently, when you're so very special, you can scream, hit, belittle, berate, dictate, demand and attack other people into cherishing and adoring you.
The way narc abuse manifested for me was in my communication skills. I noticed I no longer used gestures when in conversation. And I am typically an animated speaker. The reason was I didn't want to be noticed bc I believed it made me a bigger target for further abuse and ridicule. Once I deployed Bravery And Radical Acceptance I began to be ME again! Target Healthy! Stay there!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I’m Australian. My only sibling, an older brother, is my tormentor. I’ve been physically assaulted & have since been subjected to lying, denying, projection & deflection. I’m also my 88 year old Mothers full time carer, with zero support or input from my brother other than attempted exploitation & manipulation of our Mum’s estate. It’s devastating for us both. He is beyond malignant. He is evil. I’m so grateful you’ve helped my understanding. And I’m so much healthier & resilient for it. Thank you so much.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." Narcissism is aberrant behavior and the antithesis of what this Bible verse says about what love is. Therefore, we can deduce that narcissism comes from the devil...and that why all narcissists act similarly.
My ex narc loved this Bible verse - especially when it came to ME not insisting on my "own way", bearing and enduring all things! For him, it became a "hall pass" to be disrespectful and abusive verbally, mentally, and towards the end physically. 😔
@@anndra1160Yes, sadly this is what narcs do. They turn e everything around. Same withe the non-religious who instead use fantasy stories like Lord of The Rings (actually a Christ story...not that they realise) and imagine themselves in the starring role....very messianic. So, we're left being the Gollums. In fact, I used to sardonically imitate Gollum's ",My prescious" catch phrase frequently enough....was never criticised for that!
I tried to adjust and tolerate for 13 years but found the abuse escalated over time into physical abuse. That's when it was clear to me I needed to leave.
Yep, this is my dad. Made a mountain out of a molehill and now he's saying the most hurtful things to me and thinks I'm still 13 and whatnot... And I ask for boundaries and he completely steps over them, well not anymore ❤
I've met someone after a long time. I'm head over heels but anticipating betrayal at every corner. How do people relax with a new person after being deceived, abused, and backstabbed? I hope I don't screw up...
AMEN, Dr Carter! Team Healthy, love yourself too much to let someone treat you this way! Speak truth over every situation you face when dealing with narcissists or even people with a slight narcissistic tendency. Truth sets us free. Love and peace keeps us free.
If I was only not so afraid to be that way all along. I was extremely intimidated by him and his family. Who are the people who want to bury the past and "move on" as though nothing ever happened, leaving the seriously injured people to fester. So it ends up being past, present and future injured. This reality is what prevents true healing. Your comment is the bottom line. I'm going to keep it as a reminder, thank you for this insight. Xoxo
@@elcee7800keep fighting for yourself now even tho you did'nt before. Fight to believe in your experience and don't entertain those attempts to gaslight you.
I did not tolerate it. I endured it to my destruction. They took everything good of me, and lied in tricky ways.They indoctrinated my Children. Be you hard. Within you is your strength. Be safe, and get away when you can. Never go back. 🙏🌹💕 We are our best friend.
It's scary how many abusers will think it's ok to abuse others if they say "I love you" before or after they abuse people. I grew up in a family like this. I truly thought it was normal behavior and I was being judgemental and that something was wrong with me for feeling resentful about forgiving them. I also dated people who say "I love you" while being abusive, so I thought it was normal. Somehow I got lucky enough to meet and get married to an incredible man who would never dream of being abusive in anyway. I couldn't imagine ever treating him or our daughter the way I was treated growing up.
Thank you so much for your videos right now, my father just passed, my mother is so abusive, and your videos are helping me so much with my decision to cut ties with her right now. Thank you so much.
This is such a healing video. 🙂 My notes, with time stamps: 1:51 They're both phony and defensive. They must stay in a superior position. They bring chaos to relationships. They don't just offer the opposite of DRC, they commit themselves to unhealthy characteristics and then they consistently build themselves up at your expense. This is abusive. 4:06 It's very common for people who've been abused, that when they step away from that abusive person, they actually feel both amazed and distrusting when other people show understanding. 4:31 Your sense of right versus wrong has been skewed in that abusive direction to where understanding and goodness actually feel strange. 4:40 Another indicator that you've probably been abused, is that you have an automatic defensive reaction when uncomfortable topics arise. Now none of us really enjoy being confronted and told about some of our negatives, but that person can have such an automatic defensive reaction it's like "Whoa, we can be objective here." 5:38 You can have extremes in the way that you manage your opinions. You can be too rigid as a result of having been abused or you can be too loose as a result of having been abused. That middle ground is very difficult to maintain for you. 6:14 Sometimes we know that a person's been abused because they easily feel embarrassed by their own mistakes or miscalculations, which is a form of shame. It's like they've learned "We don't accept people who are imperfect around here." As a result, they have too strong of a feeling of defeat when they have to admit "I'm flawed." 6:36 You probably know that you've been abused if you sometimes just numb out. It's like "I can't afford to care anymore." 6:50 Letting go of your resentment or your contempt towards other individuals can feel like self betrayal. 7:01 "If I have acceptance toward other individuals, as opposed to resentment, it's almost as though I'm giving up on me. I'm letting go of my feeling of power." 7:33 If you've been on the receiving end of abuse, you can develop an attitude of defiance. "Nobody's going to tell me what to do. I'll submit to no one. I'll cooperate with no one." To the extent that that becomes exaggerated. 8:00 There's one ultimate fallout that comes into your life when you have received abuse, and that is love becomes confusing. Sometimes confusing to the point where it seems unattainable. 8:35 The person who wants to grow needs to basically say "I stand for love." The abuser put fear and insecurity and anger and confusion on the inside of you, and that makes no sense. It's injurious, it's wrong. We need to stand up and say "There's a better way of doing it and I'm going to commit to that better way." 9:24 "I give myself permission to grieve because of the problems that I've had because of the abuse I received. And my grief is going to become an impetus for me to be devoted to the better alternative of goodness." 9:52 "I'm going to own my anger and I'm going to own my pain." A lot of times when you feel angry and pain with that abuse of narcissist, they'll tell you "Shut up. You're not allowed to have that." The fact is I do and the anger and the pain is trying to tell me something. It can lead you towards self-preservation. As you own your anger and your pain, then you can also decide "I'm capable of managing that anger and pain in a constructive way." My anger and my pain are going to prompt me to say "I'm standing for my convictions. I'm standing for my sense of decency and worth. 10:38 When possible, I'm going to seek harmony because that's what I believe in. But when harmony is not possible, I'm going to give myself permission to go into a different direction." I'll maintain a healthy fear, and by fear I mean weariness and concern, towards that narcissistic individual, but it's not going to come at the cost of my self-trust. 11:37 I'm going to move on to a much better and different reality as opposed to staying bogged down in all of their negativity. Dominance, power, abuse is not love.
Love is in something you feel not only in the words you hear. When you experience love you feel safe by being seen, heard, celebrated, respected, cared for and treated with decency that everyone deserves!
Spot on dr Carter 😊 Love does not tolerate abuse, dominance, disrespect, selfishness, exploitation, dehumanisation, intimidation, threats, violence and cruelty. Love has nothing to do with those evil behaviours. Love is all about patience, respect, care, honesty, dignity, civility, peace and human decency. Thank you for your invaluable help and calming support dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
0:34 When I was 19 I had a highschool sweetheart. After the love bombing came a period of blaming and shaming. When we dated half a year he stood in the doorway saying he was going to spend the weekend with a friend from the past. After a small pause he came back with a lot of complaints about me. When shortly after that a similar thing happened, I realized something was wrong with him. Now I know he was a full blown narc.
I often wonder what strangers think of me. I’m so eager to be liked, I chatter too much then often run away because I’m about to cry. I’m 53 so I’m guessing I’m That Lady.
Wow! How tragic! So sad to hear how that church leadership & members failed you. Good to hear you found a better one now. Me, personally, @ this stage, I think personal devotional time & prayer should receive more of my attn. I don't think I'll be getting my current needs met so much by church attendance where I'm @ right now. Although some of my former churches meet online & it's truly a blessing. It's just so impersonal.
@@Survivin2Thrivin Agreed. When we went to broadcast only, I choked on it. It was like I was receiving but had nothing to give. I felt like the proverbial sponge that soaked up, but held it and soured in the process. So when that ended, I jumped in headlong back into a ministry that wrung me out in giving. Worthwhile.
Some people say that love covers a multitude of sin, but nevertheless you are thorough and hit the nail on its head. Your specialized knowledge into this field of narcissism has definitely made life so much easier to navigate. Thank you Dr C and God bless you. ❤
It isn't loving to allow someone to keep someone from the consequences of their actions because you think they can't handle it. Ironically it was my conviction that I was not being respectful of my ex by walking on eggshells and acting like he couldn't handle being an equal partner that amped up the abuse to the point of me needing to divorce for safety. I started out thinking I was saving my marriage, but I ended up saving myself and my own sense of who I wanted to be.
Yes. And now it is the situation with my adult son. So shocked and disheartened his mind is just like his father's... weird it showed only after insisting grow responsibility and accountability for his own life as an adult.
I am struggling with working out if it was abuse or just a bad marriage. And I find I can't really remember a lot of my marriage. I do know that I have felt alone and unloved and and unheard for the majority of my marriage. Looking back I kind of behaved like a drone on autopilot. Things that make me think it was abuse are that he just stopped talking to me. No hello. No goodbye. Stopped showing up for family vacations. Made plans with friends for holidays that never included me. And if there was anything I ever wanted to ask for he would just turn his back to me and say. I don't want to argue. He also accuses me of abandoning him when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. So. That. Either way not behaviour that I am willing to tolerate any longer.
Doormat syndrome 💔 check out the 4 Horsemen of bad marriages: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism & contempt. DARVO on steroids! You can heal when you know what it wasn’t ❤️🩹 then give yourself all the love you gave away ♥️
Definitely that's abusive. You were treated as if you were of no account. If you imagine someone you loved being treated like that you'd probably be very upset for them. You probably wouldn't treat a stranger like that. It takes time to process and examine and grieve a relationship.. as Doc says.
Theres two sides to every story. Somewhere down the line you both hurt each other and he lost trust but he was never willing to forgive. My wife and I have done some bad things to one another but we did them out of pure confusion and not knowing what the hell we were going through. I legitimately thought she was a narcissist that baited and switched me and I thought her family hated me. We totally misunderstood one another while we just had a kid, just moved, loved with her parents, and had post partom.. It was a hailstorm of stress and discomfort for us both and she did things that really hurt me and made me feel abandoned and I did things that made her feel the same without even realizing it. Marriage brings out the worst in people. It really does. Therapy can really help I think. Don't go to counseling, go to therapy. And really get to the bottom of the process that's happening between you two.
Thank you Dr. C, DRC, I’ve been abused by a narcissist for 7 years, I’m on the healing path now, I appreciate your channel because it keeps me strong & courageous to keep the No contact steady & narcissist locked out of my life 🦋
This was pure gold, Thank you so much for this DR Le's, You're a great bloke, I'm very grateful for you, Toxic love and toxic relationships, It's serious and sick and disturbing, This speaks volumes and there's no way I'll tolerate abusive relationships, I'm healthy and deserve a healthy relationship and I look forward to meeting my real love some day, Peace, love and respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory praise and smiles to the most high :-)
I dealt with 40 years of abuse from my father who was a malignant narcissist and toxic mother my mother died 21 years ago and my father 7 years ago and then the devil sent a narcissist into my life who became my husband I have left him and went no contact he tried with the fake opologies not accepting him back continuing no contact.
As I wait to for my power to be restored, I took a few minutes to listen to this podcast. Dr. Carter, I found myself in every point you listed. I have found this podcast to be powerful and what I needed to hear, especially with what I am struggling with right now in my healing process. I am waiting for the power to come back on in Spartanburg before I can resume therapy. I think I am going to be in therapy for a long time to come.
My Mom has been abusing me emotionally my entire life. She is extremely needy and dumbed all her problems at work on me when I was in grade school. I was told way too much about what was happening in the grade school she was working in. All she did was gossip. If she doesn't like someone she will bad mouth them to everyone around her. She likes to be the center of attention and creates drama for attention all the time.
The holyspirit revealed to me narcissistic abuse! Had no idea what i was going through until 11 years ago, after praying the holyspirit revealed to me the problem! I couldnt put a name to it until now! I was confused for along time! Thanks to the holyspirit I now have a name for it!
Me too. Almost 4 years ago, I was sitting and thinking about things with my husband, and the Holy Spirit told me to look up narcissism. Everything started falling into place and I was learning about it every where I turned. Then God led me to Dr C last year after I stopped seeing a psychiatrist who knew precious little about NPD. Dr C and Team Healthy are an absolute godsend!!! I'm so very grateful. God bless you always and dear little Gus too!!! 🙏🐶🫂🙏
@@aaronkwolfeI agree. I started writing down things I was doing to protect myself before I had a name for it. That’s the power of the Holy Spirit! Read the 34th Chapter of Ezekiel. God talks about bad shepherds and our husbands are to be good shepherds for wives and children. Mine was neither. That gave me a helpful perspective.
Wow. I checked almost every box. Some of the things I was doing even in childhood so it makes me wonder about my upbringing. It's sad that we think all this stuff is normal so we have no clue that we are in an abusive relationship until too many years have gone by.
I did too. I know they try to say we go through this until we see it and learn to change ourselves, but it is upsetting that it all started when I was just a child and if I could have I would do anything to have learned what I needed to back then. Realizing all this as an adult does seem worse because I didn’t even know what was happening all along. It has changed everything about who I am and how I respond to the world. Peace to you.
Had me checking on my childhood too. It helped me understand why I kept getting into narcissistic relationships. My mom ran the show and my dad, though wonderful, did not challenge her. Nobody did. I realize she was also abused as a child. So sad how this abuse carries through generations.
Spoken like a true expert on the subject. You covered all of the basis. Is there a such thing as collective abuse that may come from living in a community or under a government that mistreats and abuses it citizens.
This video was so helpful, Dr. C. All those problems you mentioned have been active in my marriage until so recently, when I've been able to replace them with new ways of thinking. I'm thankful for my 34-years patient husband. And thankful for your videos 🙏🏼
I am sorry you had such kind of experience..In my case, my father didn't protect me from my abusive mother and aunt..My childhood was very very traumatic..
Love does not keep a record of wrongs while codependence will not go away only by changing communication style from passive to get by over to maybe becoming agressive too if the situation calls for it. The truth is leaving a situation like that soon as possible without giving away the family farm which as it turns out most ot the time thanks to how so many more narcisisstic people get involved while possession of assets are in question often ends up taking much longer than expected. Giving plenty of people around more opportunities to judge us too regardless of how well we are going along with the narcissists efforts to isolate us.
I did put up with the abuse for along time, but the nex was only home Saturday and part of Sunday. He was a OTR truck driver. When he retired is when it became intolerable. One day he talked on the phone all day up until about 10:30 pm. He was always in character for these mega conversations. The pretension would have worn me out.
Oh I can so relate to that. They are always on and performing for everyone else. Let me share my tools with you. I can fix your brakes. I will help you with that ac. He fixed his friends car ac So his friends mistress would have a car with working ac but didn’t get around to mine because it rained. That was the excuse for 3 years during which we had 2 deadly heat waves. Got it. Everyone else matters. What they think about him matters. I don’t matter. Message received.
@@jewel2916I hear you. I too, have a looong list of things promised and never done. One is actually from 39 years ago!!!😮 My husband also fixed his friend's car before mine. Their selfishness and the need to put on a show is beyond words. Always smh. 😢😳😔
The opposite of love is fear. Everything that happens out of real love is free of fear and therefore cannot be manipulated. Whenever you fear something inside of you, it wants to be healed. Whenever you fear another person, ask yourself, which core wound inside of you needs to be integrated.
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you, Amanda 💖 I did not thought that this would be thought-provoking 🤔 because for me it's somehow pure logic 😉 BTW I like your 🍎 tree 🥰
Dr C I see that you had Dr. Thais Gibson on your channel! I remember asking you to interview her a few months ago and you replied duly noted! Ahhhh I’m so happy thank you!!!!❤
> 3:00 Indicator(s) of abuse helped me to understand why I recently made a bad first impression… cling too quickly in attachment. Now that i know better, prayerfully, I can do better. My prayer to God has been, when needed, may we look beyond other’s faults and see their greatest needs. And may I receive grace, mercy, and forgiveness as I extend it too.🥰🙏🏾😇
Looking beyond others faults to see their needs or understand where their faults come from doesn't extend to allowing their faults to be abusive towards you.
My statement look beyond others’ faults… has to do with me understanding the impact of abuse and trauma upon me, that led to certain mistakes; that I don’t need more abuse and shame. It’s not about giving a pass to abuse. My heart is for myself and others on the healing journey out of abuse.
When I am around abusive people, who are cruel and insulting - I move into a softness, with empathy and authenticity. I maintain my own integrity, and where they consider that to be weakness, it's actually a strength and because they cannot do the same - that usually drives them away. Sometimes they seem to become aware that they have been bested, shame maybe? I don't know, but they don't like that vulnerablity in the face of their insults and it drives them away.
My ex narcissist won't change...he acts like he's always right, always acting down if you don't act like they want you to act. If you don't want to talk because you just don't, they mope and ask stupid questions like "you got something else to do?" So freaking nosey...I'm his only friend so I guess I'm the dumb one. He ought to be happy! But no, big winey baby is what he is. 68 years old but still a pain in the _____
They actually demand you obey..put your life on hold for them..apologise for ALL the dreadful things you did too them ...against them etc WHAT. HELLO REAL WORLD. YEAH. NO DIDN'T HAPPEN SON My life is mine and at 75, I no longer wish to walk on eggshells..pretend all is OK. Put up with smirks and snide comments Free at last 😊
I withdrew from a "friend" to place my self-care as a priority besides dignity. I refuse to be part of her supply to be seen and affirmed of her "generosity" of helping others. With her constant cell phone use and driving, my life was on the line with her erratic driving....and she would blame the other driver for just being in their lane as she crosses the lane line. Crazy
Im struggling so much and still have an 12 year old in my house I really don’t know what to do and living on autopilot is miserable and frustrating we were almost divorced in January after he has made me fled to my RV at our rental property and lived there for 3 months without seeing my daughter So I rather went back than to loose her in the process
Since the title mentions the big "L" word -- I've found Joe Fletcher's work to be useful -- using the criterion of Love to make decisions. After all John Lennon sang directly "Love is the answer." I am so thankful after all those years of attempting to use those big "L" concepts -- to have the help of Dr. Carter's wisdom. Dr. Carter makes a lot of effort to help us have better lives -- let's give it our best.
Good video. I think the list of things you might experience if you have been abused is applicable for long-term abuse. Some may not change so significantly after a year or two of abuse. Just something to keep in mind if you don’t relate to this list after short-term abuse.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. If this is not what a person is operating from, it's not real love. Period, 0% excuses, 0% tolerance.
I have found that some people are triggered by others' expressions of emotions. I think a lot of the stigma with crying has to do with that. Collectively, some people react poorly when they observe crying, some react poorly when they begin crying, some people are ashamed, and some people are judging. The people that believe crying indicates weakness often have an ego need to pretend that ALL people are functioning from their same level of (mis)understanding; it takes a lot for someone to be able to challenge this belief. I haven't ever seen one person be able to convince another to open up to the possibility, it seems to take multiple experiences and multiple situations over time, along with modeling. Stigma minimizes opportunities for modeling. When someone thinks that crying is wrong and they work to stuff it, having someone in front of them crying, wanting interaction or (God forbid!) comfort, they become extremely frustrated that the other is not working to stuff the tears like they do. Not only do they not want to comfort the person, they do not feel bad, they feel disgusted and "put upon." I have had others try to tell me that my tears mean that my perspective is invalid. I have noticed that they are people that require the belief in some form of delusion, to be okay within themselves. The sense of superiority is only the most obvious delusion. 😅
My thoughts on narcissistic abuse is, would you be happy if a much loved friend or family member was being treat in a similar way to yourself. If the answer is no, than that's your answer.
I’m in a situation with my older brother who lives with my and Elderly mother. I bought and paid off the home for my mom and even pay the utilities. My brother and mom want me to sign off on the house to my brother. I was never asked if I would give it to him, it was demanded! I said I would after she passed away but My brother is trying to provoke me in front of my mom so we fight, he said I will have a bad day every day until I sign it over to him now. He threatened to sue me after I let him stay there for free for 3 years! I told my mom this wasn’t from God and was Satanic and she said, she trusts him and I can keep the peace by signing it over and still pay the bills!
@@deborahvallier9245 this is straight up abuse. You will regret signing it over. If you were watching this happen to a friend , how would you counsel them? Love and honour yourself as much as you would that friend. You deserve love, civility, dignity, respect. You have the power to treat yourself that way even if those around you are abusive.
@@jewel2916 Thank you! It hurts my soul, In the past I even helped him with a car. I had bought a new engine and wanted to help him get to his new job after being unemployed for 3 years. He made payments and I only charged him for the engine, I forgave $1,000 and wished him well. There’s too many things to mention the past 15 years. He said if I try to evict him just try and all Hell would break loose! He doesn’t care if he never sees me again as long as he gets the house. I’m also concerned about him taking advantage of my elderly mother who’s having memory issues.
Wow it's so twisted try to reason or talk and the crazy comes are you are called crazy and get away from me. Like dealing with a child so disheartening. 😐🫤😵💫😵💫
You can't heal from Narcissist abuse when you are still going through it and it's destroying you financially and in every other way. Today I have no food but I have a letter and time spent confirming there are issues that are real. I am not crazy here.
You aren’t crazy. You have been abused. I don’t know how you can heal if you stay in that situation. They wear you down until you don’t know which you are anymore.
There's no love in abuse! Narcissists don't love.
Say it again!!! There is 0% love in being toxic
I suffered narcissist abuse for 50 years. I thought there was no hope. I didn't think I had anything to give. I lost myself so long ago; I only drew blanks when I tried to think what to do each day other than go through the motions of cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the narc. And in the last few years, I was barely getting that done. But I am finding me! After over two years of listening, taking courses from Dr. and other professionals I I am much better. I grieve the lost years of my life to a narc and the family I married into. But I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so glad to see a way to live other than just wishing I could give reactive abuse.
I left after 50 and 3/4 years. These videos have been so helpful. I am working hard to find who I was so long ago. (I’m 85).
My Story too! Prayers for you!❤
Wow! God bless you in your journey with God!
It might do you good to offer your services at an animal shelter, your post made me think of this..🙏🙏
I’m so tired of sanctimonious, self-righteous people enabling abusers.
Here, here
Until they figure out, they were manipulated and played with themselves.
@@roxannetaitano1490 If it is not working for them.
@@LouisaWatt I figured out that ‘Good People’ that play by the Rules, & were taught the Golden Rules are ingrained in our Heart, Mind, Psyche, & Spirit with solid BELIEFS about Life. It is a Naiveté that being a good example will somehow Rub-off on the Narcissist & be reciprocated ONCE the wounded Narc has enough PROOF of our Love! The lesson I have learned, is that there is more than one Set of Rules in Life, & the Narcissist’s Rules are opposite of the Golden Rules. In Psychology the Terms are: Toxic, Malignant, & Dark Triad & Dark Tetrad! So the Narc is Alien to everything that made sense, in a Good, Fair World of Empathy, Caring, Love, & Reciprocation of Goals & Intent with closest Relationships.
Regular Golden Rule People are PROJECTING their SOLID BELIEFS About LIFE! Solid Beliefs, CAN & DO, sometimes, fall into the Psychological Category of “FALSE BELIEFS.” They are Solid Beliefs all right… But they are FALSE according to the Standardized Normal for Society.
So,It’s Like learning how to SKI CORRECTLY, after learning & Skiing Incorrectly for many years. You first have to UNLEARN Your Mistakes, & that Involves Erasing a MUSCLE MEMORY, BRAIN GROOVE PERMANENT COGNITION FALSE BELIEF most likely, taught since the time of being an Infant… “Say please! ThankYou! Play Nice!”
But, YES… Unknowingly, the GOLDEN PEOPLE Become ENABLING FLYING MONKEYS!
What has helped me, is Learning of GOD’s PRINCIPLES, which TRUE LOVE, Includes JUSTICE & CONSEQUENCES for actions, & not only Blessings & Mercy! GOD, is Not a Pooh-Bear GOD that holds our hand, skipping & whistling all the way to the Gates of Hell! NO! HE Lives us enough that we Suffer Small Lessons Along the Way, as the Laws of Justice are invoked.
As you may have Guessed, Justice is not my Natural Disposition of Character. But, I do not want to Hold my Loved-Ones Hands to the Gates of Hell! So, I’m learning of another Realm of TRUE LOVE… JUSTICE!
Also, we can FORGIVE, & then TURN the OTHER CHEEK… AND WALK AWAY! I really do not think that we are meant to ‘Turn the Other Cheek & Get Slapped Again!’
🙏🏻Blessings! 🌸☀️🕊🍃
His mother.
They think that you will put up with abuse simply because you LOVE them 😪
Yep this is true, but I give as much as I get. she thinks she can win, but she never really does, I just spend heaps of time in my own company and simply enjoy the things I like to do and at that point, no one is invited in that part of my life.
Shew that hit my heart @Amanda. Sadly yes. I don't think n abusers understand or care about deep emotions. They're too taken up with their own needs.
@williambuckley1185 I remember my very much ex-husband saying to my mum,'she gives as good as she gets,' to which my mum replied,'Ah, but she shouldn't GET'
@@BarbzSA Imdeed!
Plus the narc uses it as a reason to manipulate.
I put up with it for 40 years.
I’m done.
Me, too
Me too!
Me too, 40 years before hardening my heart
@@elaineco5746. Me too. 30 years from the ex and 50 years from narc parents.
Damn, I’m going on the 10th year and thought that was the longest in history. I’m so sorry. I’m trying to get out the best I can without him harming himself.
the best protection (besides strong boundaries) against a narcissist is your strong self-esteem and self-respect. your self-love has to be louder than your desire to be loved.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Oh wow, so true.
Unfortunately they look for people with just such issues , they are easier to take advantage of . Creepers !!
Amen, stay strong ❤️🙂🙏
@@carparthero Very true, Steven 🙏💛
And cheers to you 👋
@@roxymovie3938 excellent roxie. good to hear from you. hope business is good.
wishing all the best.
-cheers, steven
Anytime I listen to him, I feel like I’m in an individualized therapy session. He explains what I’m going through as if he knows my story. Thank you!
So pleased!
The narcissist killed the love i felt for him, the more he showed his true self the less I could love him and starting realizing I had to run away from him.
Same for my daughter's mother and I'm still telling her everything because she told me too
I don't understand
I can’t stand my husband of 36 years.
Yep!!
I do not know if you are a believer, but I know God gave me a gift that is you! Thankyou and PRAISE GOD, THANKYOU GOD!!!
@@shawnamartin8505 I believe he is.
Self love and nurturing has been my saving grace. My sister is a narcissist and have gone no contact. I can finally feel free from her manipulation.
So pleased for you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism so is my sibling. I have been no contact for 2 years with this sibling, My sibling, the golden child, wanted to perpetuate the scapegoat narrative my mother forced on me for decades.
My narc was abused badly as a kid. Doesnt excuse their behaviour but it helps me to understand it
Makes forgiving a little less of a challenge too.
Mine,too. Horrific treatment at the hands of her father. Explained so much. I was actually so proud of her for understanding when I went very limited contact and it made it easier for me. She was disappeared by an armed home invader for no reason. 😢
If I bring up something I was unhappy about, it's my fault and "there I go again"
I understand. It's crazy making
So true!
Accountability? What's that?
I still don't know how to put into words the gratitude I have, the fact that you are such an experienced professional and have the ability to better rewrite all the mental programs implemented by these evil individuals has helped me tremendously, I've had a long road to healing and I'm finally starting to see reality for what it is. thank you! The peace of mind that I thought I would never have again has found its place!! I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart!!
Me 2 🙏
I found it remarkable that they imagined that the answer to the issue of creating rapidly increasing distance because of all the abuse was to further intensify the abuse. Because, apparently, when you're so very special, you can scream, hit, belittle, berate, dictate, demand and attack other people into cherishing and adoring you.
Unbelievable the narc behavior. The enablers play their own role. Some are not victims they are volunteers.
You, Dr. Carter, are an answer to my prayers as I realize I did not deserve the family abuse which I was subjected to for decades.
Thank you....please know I wish you the best.
NO CONTACT!! FULL STOP‼️
Yes!
Yes. NC works better than any other strategy. I know this from my own experience and I can say tried & true 👍
This is the way.
Yes 🙌🏾
@@cindy-x9x Amen
Love is repaid by Love alone.
The way narc abuse manifested for me was in my communication skills. I noticed I no longer used gestures when in conversation. And I am typically an animated speaker. The reason was I didn't want to be noticed bc I believed it made me a bigger target for further abuse and ridicule. Once I deployed Bravery And Radical Acceptance I began to be ME again! Target Healthy! Stay there!
Ooh. Fascinated in not just the observation, but the reason, too. Kudos, Bara. Heal.
@@BaraSchmidt Stay strong 💪
He told me I should forgive him and take him back 7 times 70 times. I learned to forgive and not take him back
@@4hercrownherglory384 Good for you. The gaslighting with a verse from the Bible. Unbelievable 🙄🙄🙄
So much gratitude, & ❤ for you, Dr. C. You’ve helped me more than you can ever know. Knowledge is power. Your guidance & wisdom is a gift. Thank you.
You are so welcome, and thanks for the encouraging words.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I’m Australian. My only sibling, an older brother, is my tormentor. I’ve been physically assaulted & have since been subjected to lying, denying, projection & deflection. I’m also my 88 year old Mothers full time carer, with zero support or input from my brother other than attempted exploitation & manipulation of our Mum’s estate. It’s devastating for us both. He is beyond malignant. He is evil. I’m so grateful you’ve helped my understanding. And I’m so much healthier & resilient for it. Thank you so much.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
Narcissism is aberrant behavior and the antithesis of what this Bible verse says about what love is. Therefore, we can deduce that narcissism comes from the devil...and that why all narcissists act similarly.
My ex narc loved this Bible verse - especially when it came to ME not insisting on my "own way", bearing and enduring all things! For him, it became a "hall pass" to be disrespectful and abusive verbally, mentally, and towards the end physically. 😔
@@anndra1160Yes, sadly this is what narcs do. They turn e everything around. Same withe the non-religious who instead use fantasy stories like Lord of The Rings (actually a Christ story...not that they realise) and imagine themselves in the starring role....very messianic. So, we're left being the Gollums. In fact, I used to sardonically imitate Gollum's ",My prescious" catch phrase frequently enough....was never criticised for that!
You are spot on.
Exactly. Thank You.
Same spirit a evil 👿 one
I tried to adjust and tolerate for 13 years but found the abuse escalated over time into physical abuse. That's when it was clear to me I needed to leave.
Yep, this is my dad. Made a mountain out of a molehill and now he's saying the most hurtful things to me and thinks I'm still 13 and whatnot... And I ask for boundaries and he completely steps over them, well not anymore ❤
I've met someone after a long time. I'm head over heels but anticipating betrayal at every corner. How do people relax with a new person after being deceived, abused, and backstabbed?
I hope I don't screw up...
It is best to just focus on making yourself happy, even if you have to cut them loose.
AMEN, Dr Carter!
Team Healthy, love yourself too much to let someone treat you this way! Speak truth over every situation you face when dealing with narcissists or even people with a slight narcissistic tendency. Truth sets us free. Love and peace keeps us free.
Thanks, KellyJean....I think this one will resonate with you well.
If I was only not so afraid to be that way all along. I was extremely intimidated by him and his family. Who are the people who want to bury the past and "move on" as though nothing ever happened, leaving the seriously injured people to fester. So it ends up being past, present and future injured. This reality is what prevents true healing.
Your comment is the bottom line. I'm going to keep it as a reminder, thank you for this insight. Xoxo
Truth is kryptonite
@@elcee7800keep fighting for yourself now even tho you did'nt before. Fight to believe in your experience and don't entertain those attempts to gaslight you.
@@AlwaysStampinVideos AMEN 🙏 ❤️
AMEN, Dr. Carter! Your video from 2 years ago called Stupid & Proud of it was educational to view as well. Team Healthy is where I stand:))
I did not tolerate it. I endured it to my destruction. They took everything good of me, and lied in tricky ways.They indoctrinated my Children. Be you hard. Within you is your strength. Be safe, and get away when you can. Never go back. 🙏🌹💕 We are our best friend.
It's scary how many abusers will think it's ok to abuse others if they say "I love you" before or after they abuse people. I grew up in a family like this. I truly thought it was normal behavior and I was being judgemental and that something was wrong with me for feeling resentful about forgiving them. I also dated people who say "I love you" while being abusive, so I thought it was normal. Somehow I got lucky enough to meet and get married to an
incredible man who would never dream of being abusive in anyway. I couldn't imagine ever treating him or our daughter the way I was treated growing up.
Good for you.
Thank you so much for your videos right now, my father just passed, my mother is so abusive, and your videos are helping me so much with my decision to cut ties with her right now. Thank you so much.
This is such a healing video. 🙂 My notes, with time stamps:
1:51 They're both phony and defensive. They must stay in a superior position. They bring chaos to relationships. They don't just offer the opposite of DRC, they commit themselves to unhealthy characteristics and then they consistently build themselves up at your expense. This is abusive.
4:06 It's very common for people who've been abused, that when they step away from that abusive person, they actually feel both amazed and distrusting when other people show understanding.
4:31 Your sense of right versus wrong has been skewed in that abusive direction to where understanding and goodness actually feel strange.
4:40 Another indicator that you've probably been abused, is that you have an automatic defensive reaction when uncomfortable topics arise. Now none of us really enjoy being confronted and told about some of our negatives, but that person can have such an automatic defensive reaction it's like "Whoa, we can be objective here."
5:38 You can have extremes in the way that you manage your opinions. You can be too rigid as a result of having been abused or you can be too loose as a result of having been abused. That middle ground is very difficult to maintain for you.
6:14 Sometimes we know that a person's been abused because they easily feel embarrassed by their own mistakes or miscalculations, which is a form of shame. It's like they've learned "We don't accept people who are imperfect around here." As a result, they have too strong of a feeling of defeat when they have to admit "I'm flawed."
6:36 You probably know that you've been abused if you sometimes just numb out. It's like "I can't afford to care anymore."
6:50 Letting go of your resentment or your contempt towards other individuals can feel like self betrayal.
7:01 "If I have acceptance toward other individuals, as opposed to resentment, it's almost as though I'm giving up on me. I'm letting go of my feeling of power."
7:33 If you've been on the receiving end of abuse, you can develop an attitude of defiance. "Nobody's going to tell me what to do. I'll submit to no one. I'll cooperate with no one." To the extent that that becomes exaggerated.
8:00 There's one ultimate fallout that comes into your life when you have received abuse, and that is love becomes confusing. Sometimes confusing to the point where it seems unattainable.
8:35 The person who wants to grow needs to basically say "I stand for love." The abuser put fear and insecurity and anger and confusion on the inside of you, and that makes no sense. It's injurious, it's wrong. We need to stand up and say "There's a better way of doing it and I'm going to commit to that better way."
9:24 "I give myself permission to grieve because of the problems that I've had because of the abuse I received. And my grief is going to become an impetus for me to be devoted to the better alternative of goodness."
9:52 "I'm going to own my anger and I'm going to own my pain." A lot of times when you feel angry and pain with that abuse of narcissist, they'll tell you "Shut up. You're not allowed to have that." The fact is I do and the anger and the pain is trying to tell me something. It can lead you towards self-preservation. As you own your anger and your pain, then you can also decide "I'm capable of managing that anger and pain in a constructive way." My anger and my pain are going to prompt me to say "I'm standing for my convictions. I'm standing for my sense of decency and worth.
10:38 When possible, I'm going to seek harmony because that's what I believe in. But when harmony is not possible, I'm going to give myself permission to go into a different direction." I'll maintain a healthy fear, and by fear I mean weariness and concern, towards that narcissistic individual, but it's not going to come at the cost of my self-trust.
11:37 I'm going to move on to a much better and different reality as opposed to staying bogged down in all of their negativity. Dominance, power, abuse is not love.
Another winner Dr C!! Radical acceptance is easier said than done. Hard yet SO worth it!!! Kudos from Minnesota.😊
Thanks for caring Dr Carter. I appreciate your help.
You are quite welcome.
This is why I say 'love' is not always open to a relationship. Love is not open to toxic relationships.
Love is in something you feel not only in the words you hear. When you experience love you feel safe by being seen, heard, celebrated, respected, cared for and treated with decency that everyone deserves!
Spot on dr Carter 😊 Love does not tolerate abuse, dominance, disrespect, selfishness, exploitation, dehumanisation, intimidation, threats, violence and cruelty. Love has nothing to do with those evil behaviours. Love is all about patience, respect, care, honesty, dignity, civility, peace and human decency. Thank you for your invaluable help and calming support dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
0:34 When I was 19 I had a highschool sweetheart. After the love bombing came a period of blaming and shaming. When we dated half a year he stood in the doorway saying he was going to spend the weekend with a friend from the past. After a small pause he came back with a lot of complaints about me. When shortly after that a similar thing happened, I realized something was wrong with him. Now I know he was a full blown narc.
I often wonder what strangers think of me. I’m so eager to be liked, I chatter too much then often run away because I’m about to cry. I’m 53 so I’m guessing I’m That Lady.
Even our church “didn’t want to get involved” in a “he said/she said” issue. My next pastor was horrified by that quote.
Same here, Aaron! 40 years straight of a tithing member got me nothing, nowhere, invisible. Not even acknowledgement.
Because it’s a cult too
Wow! How tragic! So sad to hear how that church leadership & members failed you. Good to hear you found a better one now.
Me, personally, @ this stage, I think personal devotional time & prayer should receive more of my attn. I don't think I'll be getting my current needs met so much by church attendance where I'm @ right now. Although some of my former churches meet online & it's truly a blessing. It's just so impersonal.
@@Survivin2Thrivin Agreed. When we went to broadcast only, I choked on it. It was like I was receiving but had nothing to give. I felt like the proverbial sponge that soaked up, but held it and soured in the process. So when that ended, I jumped in headlong back into a ministry that wrung me out in giving. Worthwhile.
@@elcee7800😢
Some people say that love covers a multitude of sin, but nevertheless you are thorough and hit the nail on its head. Your specialized knowledge into this field of narcissism has definitely made life so much easier to navigate. Thank you Dr C and God bless you. ❤
It isn't loving to allow someone to keep someone from the consequences of their actions because you think they can't handle it. Ironically it was my conviction that I was not being respectful of my ex by walking on eggshells and acting like he couldn't handle being an equal partner that amped up the abuse to the point of me needing to divorce for safety. I started out thinking I was saving my marriage, but I ended up saving myself and my own sense of who I wanted to be.
Yes. And now it is the situation with my adult son. So shocked and disheartened his mind is just like his father's... weird it showed only after insisting grow responsibility and accountability for his own life as an adult.
I am struggling with working out if it was abuse or just a bad marriage. And I find I can't really remember a lot of my marriage. I do know that I have felt alone and unloved and and unheard for the majority of my marriage. Looking back I kind of behaved like a drone on autopilot. Things that make me think it was abuse are that he just stopped talking to me. No hello. No goodbye. Stopped showing up for family vacations. Made plans with friends for holidays that never included me. And if there was anything I ever wanted to ask for he would just turn his back to me and say. I don't want to argue. He also accuses me of abandoning him when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. So. That. Either way not behaviour that I am willing to tolerate any longer.
Doormat syndrome 💔 check out the 4 Horsemen of bad marriages: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism & contempt. DARVO on steroids! You can heal when you know what it wasn’t ❤️🩹 then give yourself all the love you gave away ♥️
Definitely that's abusive. You were treated as if you were of no account. If you imagine someone you loved being treated like that you'd probably be very upset for them. You probably wouldn't treat a stranger like that. It takes time to process and examine and grieve a relationship.. as Doc says.
@@jewel2916 To be in a marriage when you were not cherished is abuse!
It was abuse.
Theres two sides to every story. Somewhere down the line you both hurt each other and he lost trust but he was never willing to forgive. My wife and I have done some bad things to one another but we did them out of pure confusion and not knowing what the hell we were going through. I legitimately thought she was a narcissist that baited and switched me and I thought her family hated me. We totally misunderstood one another while we just had a kid, just moved, loved with her parents, and had post partom.. It was a hailstorm of stress and discomfort for us both and she did things that really hurt me and made me feel abandoned and I did things that made her feel the same without even realizing it.
Marriage brings out the worst in people. It really does. Therapy can really help I think. Don't go to counseling, go to therapy. And really get to the bottom of the process that's happening between you two.
Thank you Dr. C, DRC, I’ve been abused by a narcissist for 7 years, I’m on the healing path now, I appreciate your channel because it keeps me strong & courageous to keep the No contact steady & narcissist locked out of my life 🦋
This was pure gold, Thank you so much for this DR Le's, You're a great bloke, I'm very grateful for you, Toxic love and toxic relationships, It's serious and sick and disturbing, This speaks volumes and there's no way I'll tolerate abusive relationships, I'm healthy and deserve a healthy relationship and I look forward to meeting my real love some day, Peace, love and respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory praise and smiles to the most high :-)
Thanks so much!
@@SurvivingNarcissism You're always welcome DR Le's, Thank you so much for everything, You're a great bloke, The best :-)
I dealt with 40 years of abuse from my father who was a malignant narcissist and toxic mother my mother died 21 years ago and my father 7 years ago and then the devil sent a narcissist into my life who became my husband I have left him and went no contact he tried with the fake opologies not accepting him back continuing no contact.
As I wait to for my power to be restored, I took a few minutes to listen to this podcast. Dr. Carter, I found myself in every point you listed. I have found this podcast to be powerful and what I needed to hear, especially with what I am struggling with right now in my healing process. I am waiting for the power to come back on in Spartanburg before I can resume therapy. I think I am going to be in therapy for a long time to come.
My Mom has been abusing me emotionally my entire life. She is extremely needy and dumbed all her problems at work on me when I was in grade school. I was told way too much about what was happening in the grade school she was working in. All she did was gossip. If she doesn't like someone she will bad mouth them to everyone around her. She likes to be the center of attention and creates drama for attention all the time.
You are a hero Doctor Carter. Those abusers really are a smiling devil.
This is one I need to listen to several times. THANK you for saying this.
The holyspirit revealed to me narcissistic abuse! Had no idea what i was going through until 11 years ago, after praying the holyspirit revealed to me the problem! I couldnt put a name to it until now! I was confused for along time! Thanks to the holyspirit I now have a name for it!
Count me in, too. I employed a few of the tactics I learned about here before I even knew about narcissism. There had to be spiritual insight.
Me too. Almost 4 years ago, I was sitting and thinking about things with my husband, and the Holy Spirit told me to look up narcissism. Everything started falling into place and I was learning about it every where I turned. Then God led me to Dr C last year after I stopped seeing a psychiatrist who knew precious little about NPD. Dr C and Team Healthy are an absolute godsend!!! I'm so very grateful. God bless you always and dear little Gus too!!! 🙏🐶🫂🙏
@@aaronkwolfeI agree. I started writing down things I was doing to protect myself before I had a name for it. That’s the power of the Holy Spirit! Read the 34th Chapter of Ezekiel. God talks about bad shepherds and our husbands are to be good shepherds for wives and children. Mine was neither. That gave me a helpful perspective.
Yes it was revealed to me that I married a malignant narcissist I left him after 3 years marriage he tried to come back no contact.
Wow. I checked almost every box. Some of the things I was doing even in childhood so it makes me wonder about my upbringing. It's sad that we think all this stuff is normal so we have no clue that we are in an abusive relationship until too many years have gone by.
I did too. I know they try to say we go through this until we see it and learn to change ourselves, but it is upsetting that it all started when I was just a child and if I could have I would do anything to have learned what I needed to back then. Realizing all this as an adult does seem worse because I didn’t even know what was happening all along. It has changed everything about who I am and how I respond to the world. Peace to you.
Had me checking on my childhood too. It helped me understand why I kept getting into narcissistic relationships. My mom ran the show and my dad, though wonderful, did not challenge her. Nobody did. I realize she was also abused as a child. So sad how this abuse carries through generations.
Spoken like a true expert on the subject. You covered all of the basis. Is there a such thing as collective abuse that may come from living in a community or under a government that mistreats and abuses it citizens.
Thank you so much ☀️ 💛 for all your empowering messeges !!! Thank you for my Healing ❤God is so good 💛💛💛💛
This video was so helpful, Dr. C. All those problems you mentioned have been active in my marriage until so recently, when I've been able to replace them with new ways of thinking. I'm thankful for my 34-years patient husband. And thankful for your videos 🙏🏼
My mother allowed my late stepfather to abuse me. She did not protect me.
I am sorry you had such kind of experience..In my case, my father didn't protect me from my abusive mother and aunt..My childhood was very very traumatic..
Love does not keep a record of wrongs while codependence will not go away only by changing communication style from passive to get by over to maybe becoming agressive too if the situation calls for it. The truth is leaving a situation like that soon as possible without giving away the family farm which as it turns out most ot the time thanks to how so many more narcisisstic people get involved while possession of assets are in question often ends up taking much longer than expected. Giving plenty of people around more opportunities to judge us too regardless of how well we are going along with the narcissists efforts to isolate us.
I did put up with the abuse for along time, but the nex was only home Saturday and part of Sunday. He was a OTR truck driver. When he retired is when it became intolerable. One day he talked on the phone all day up until about 10:30 pm. He was always in character for these mega conversations. The pretension would have worn me out.
@@Hatbox948 Wow!
Oh I can so relate to that. They are always on and performing for everyone else. Let me share my tools with you. I can fix your brakes. I will help you with that ac. He fixed his friends car ac So his friends mistress would have a car with working ac but didn’t get around to mine because it rained. That was the excuse for 3 years during which we had 2 deadly heat waves. Got it. Everyone else matters. What they think about him matters. I don’t matter. Message received.
@@jewel2916 Exactly!
@@jewel2916 Yes. Empty gestures of goodwill!
@@jewel2916I hear you. I too, have a looong list of things promised and never done. One is actually from 39 years ago!!!😮 My husband also fixed his friend's car before mine. Their selfishness and the need to put on a show is beyond words. Always smh. 😢😳😔
The opposite of love is fear.
Everything that happens out of real love is free of fear and therefore cannot be manipulated.
Whenever you fear something inside of you, it wants to be healed.
Whenever you fear another person, ask yourself, which core wound inside of you needs to be integrated.
Absolute truth 👍
@roxymovie3938 Extremely thought-provoking. I like your reasoning 💕
@@caroleminke6116 Thanks, Carole 🙏💛
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you, Amanda 💖 I did not thought that this would be thought-provoking 🤔 because for me it's somehow pure logic 😉
BTW I like your 🍎 tree 🥰
@roxymovie3938 Thank you. It has fewer apples on it now. I've been making crab apple jelly 😋
I thought I could tolerate a lot of abuse but my body says something else..
In Australia over 60 percent of people say they were emotionally abused in childhood, according to one study. 4:01
That's incredibly sad.
I would think the same of any country 🇮🇪
@@hugmc Probably. Very sad.
Dr C I see that you had Dr. Thais Gibson on your channel! I remember asking you to interview her a few months ago and you replied duly noted! Ahhhh I’m so happy thank you!!!!❤
She was a delight!!
Such good advice. You will and have received DRC. I say to each friend, "Old and new."
It’s so amazing how delusional they are in their thinking 🤔
Thanks! A powerful session indeed!
> 3:00 Indicator(s) of abuse helped me to understand why I recently made a bad first impression… cling too quickly in attachment. Now that i know better, prayerfully, I can do better. My prayer to God has been, when needed, may we look beyond other’s faults and see their greatest needs. And may I receive grace, mercy, and forgiveness as I extend it too.🥰🙏🏾😇
Looking beyond others faults to see their needs or understand where their faults come from doesn't extend to allowing their faults to be abusive towards you.
My statement look beyond others’ faults… has to do with me understanding the impact of abuse and trauma upon me, that led to certain mistakes; that I don’t need more abuse and shame. It’s not about giving a pass to abuse. My heart is for myself and others on the healing journey out of abuse.
Thank you, Dr C. This just what I needed to hear right now.
Thank you for this video, Dr. Carter. It was quite healing to watch it and to consider your advice.
This is a great help Doc...eternal thanks!💕
When I am around abusive people, who are cruel and insulting - I move into a softness, with empathy and authenticity. I maintain my own integrity, and where they consider that to be weakness, it's actually a strength and because they cannot do the same - that usually drives them away. Sometimes they seem to become aware that they have been bested, shame maybe? I don't know, but they don't like that vulnerablity in the face of their insults and it drives them away.
My ex narcissist won't change...he acts like he's always right, always acting down if you don't act like they want you to act. If you don't want to talk because you just don't, they mope and ask stupid questions like "you got something else to do?" So freaking nosey...I'm his only friend so I guess I'm the dumb one. He ought to be happy! But no, big winey baby is what he is. 68 years old but still a pain in the _____
Thank you so very much, Dr.Carter. 💕 Blessings to all learning and healing. 🙏🐈🌹🙋💙📚🤸❤🥦
I was mercifully spared the manifestation of all the problems another narc placed on me. Those were not my troubles.
thank u for ur words and knowledge n directives on love
They actually demand you obey..put your life on hold for them..apologise for ALL the dreadful things you did too them ...against them etc
WHAT. HELLO REAL WORLD.
YEAH. NO DIDN'T HAPPEN SON
My life is mine and at 75, I no longer wish to walk on eggshells..pretend all is OK. Put up with smirks and snide comments
Free at last 😊
I withdrew from a "friend" to place my self-care as a priority besides dignity. I refuse to be part of her supply to be seen and affirmed of her "generosity" of helping others. With her constant cell phone use and driving, my life was on the line with her erratic driving....and she would blame the other driver for just being in their lane as she crosses the lane line. Crazy
Narcissistic behavior my ex would take me around the city going 60 mph changing lanes until she got enough supply from making me feel so unsafe.
Aw I missed it. Lucky for tape delay!
{Grins at Barbz} That’s not luck, that’s design. This was a good one.
@@BarbzSA Hugs 🫂 🤗
Im struggling so much and still have an 12 year old in my house
I really don’t know what to do and living on autopilot is miserable and frustrating we were almost divorced in January after he has made me fled to my RV at our rental property and lived there for 3 months without seeing my daughter
So I rather went back than to loose her in the process
Seek local help with those who understand your situation such as domestic violence advocates who have a lot of experience with your problems ♥️
It sounds like a problem a good lawyer could help you with. Make him go live in the RV.
@@estevandermerwe5909 all of the above 👍
Since the title mentions the big "L" word -- I've found Joe Fletcher's work to be useful -- using the criterion of Love to make decisions. After all John Lennon sang directly "Love is the answer." I am so thankful after all those years of attempting to use those big "L" concepts -- to have the help of Dr. Carter's wisdom. Dr. Carter makes a lot of effort to help us have better lives -- let's give it our best.
Thanks...and I like Joe Fletcher's work.
Good video. I think the list of things you might experience if you have been abused is applicable for long-term abuse. Some may not change so significantly after a year or two of abuse. Just something to keep in mind if you don’t relate to this list after short-term abuse.
Hey Team Healthy friends 😊♥️
G'day @annettglass Grace to you, and peace.
Hey Annett 💚🌻☘️🧡🌹🧡❤️🌸💙🌼🌸🌷🌹🏵️🌻☘️🌿🌿🌸
Hugs from Italy
🐷
@@annettglass7290 Hi Annett 👋 ❤️
Hey there ho there.😘
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
If this is not what a person is operating from, it's not real love. Period, 0% excuses, 0% tolerance.
Correct
I have found that some people are triggered by others' expressions of emotions. I think a lot of the stigma with crying has to do with that. Collectively, some people react poorly when they observe crying, some react poorly when they begin crying, some people are ashamed, and some people are judging. The people that believe crying indicates weakness often have an ego need to pretend that ALL people are functioning from their same level of (mis)understanding; it takes a lot for someone to be able to challenge this belief. I haven't ever seen one person be able to convince another to open up to the possibility, it seems to take multiple experiences and multiple situations over time, along with modeling. Stigma minimizes opportunities for modeling.
When someone thinks that crying is wrong and they work to stuff it, having someone in front of them crying, wanting interaction or (God forbid!) comfort, they become extremely frustrated that the other is not working to stuff the tears like they do. Not only do they not want to comfort the person, they do not feel bad, they feel disgusted and "put upon."
I have had others try to tell me that my tears mean that my perspective is invalid. I have noticed that they are people that require the belief in some form of delusion, to be okay within themselves. The sense of superiority is only the most obvious delusion. 😅
My thoughts on narcissistic abuse is, would you be happy if a much loved friend or family member was being treat in a similar way to yourself. If the answer is no, than that's your answer.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter.
You’re welcome, Jackie
Really good! Thank you so much
Thank you so much❤!!!!!
You're welcome
Thank you for clarifying what healthy is.
So great Dr. Carter. Thank you very much for your work.
Love and abuse go in separate direcgions.
one extreme or the other? why not both? knocked this one out of the park. thank you. thought I had seen enough of these videos...
I love your content, it is healing
Very inspiring! Thank you.
Wow! This was so helpful . Thank you so much you have so much wisdom to help others.❤
Glad it was helpful!
I’m in a situation with my older brother who lives with my and Elderly mother. I bought and paid off the home for my mom and even pay the utilities. My brother and mom want me to sign off on the house to my brother. I was never asked if I would give it to him, it was demanded! I said I would after she passed away but My brother is trying to provoke me in front of my mom so we fight, he said I will have a bad day every day until I sign it over to him now. He threatened to sue me after I let him stay there for free for 3 years! I told my mom this wasn’t from God and was Satanic and she said, she trusts him and I can keep the peace by signing it over and still pay the bills!
@@deborahvallier9245 this is straight up abuse. You will regret signing it over. If you were watching this happen to a friend , how would you counsel them? Love and honour yourself as much as you would that friend. You deserve love, civility, dignity, respect. You have the power to treat yourself that way even if those around you are abusive.
Don't you DARE. So sorry you're surrounded by demons, I get it.
Get a attorney now and don't sign. 😢😢
@@jewel2916 Thank you! It hurts my soul, In the past I even helped him with a car. I had bought a new engine and wanted to help him get to his new job after being unemployed for 3 years. He made payments and I only charged him for the engine, I forgave $1,000 and wished him well. There’s too many things to mention the past 15 years. He said if I try to evict him just try and all Hell would break loose! He doesn’t care if he never sees me again as long as he gets the house. I’m also concerned about him taking advantage of my elderly mother who’s having memory issues.
Don't do it! Be strong and get a good lawyer!!! They're evil bullies! 🫂
This is a very helpful video. Thank you.
Wow, this confirms I have been abused for 10 yrs.
Wow it's so twisted try to reason or talk and the crazy comes are you are called crazy and get away from me. Like dealing with a child so disheartening. 😐🫤😵💫😵💫
Thank you Sir for these videos 🙏🏽
You are quite welcome.
You can't heal from Narcissist abuse when you are still going through it and it's destroying you financially and in every other way. Today I have no food but I have a letter and time spent confirming there are issues that are real. I am not crazy here.
You aren’t crazy. You have been abused. I don’t know how you can heal if you stay in that situation. They wear you down until you don’t know which you are anymore.
Thank you. You are very good, and we are listening.
Thanks for listening!
Hi Gus! Hes loving the blanket