No One Can Make You Feel Safe

It is common in our culture to say things like, “I want someone to make my feel safe” (or respected, or beautiful, or valued, etc.). Or similarly, “You are making me feel unsafe.” This is partly a vague, shorthand way of trying to communicate things we long for in our relationships with others, but without our doing the hard work of specifying to ourself, or the other person, what in particular we wish they would do differently. These statements are also a way that we unconsciously fantasize about how someone else can (and in our mind, should) solve certain emotional struggles for us. When we cling to these fantasies we trap ourself in whatever past-pain we are failing to acknowledge, and we put our present and future at the mercy of however we might be perceiving others at the moment (which is a very precarious position to do life from). The way out of the trap is to take responsibility for our emotions by facing and owning our pain, which also then actually (eventually) enables us to get more specific and direct in asking for what we need from, and setting and holding boundaries with, those around us.
~About~
I'm Sean Slevin, a Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Sensorimotor Psychotherapist. I love engaging with questions about life, relationships and being human. If you have a question for Ask Sean you can send it anonymously at: AskSean.org
~Resources~
Obviously, I do not know if a given book is right for you, so please use your own judgment. But the following books relate to some of the themes I touch on in this video:
-Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
mft.cc/bk/0310247454
-Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
mft.cc/bk/0310494818
-Faith, Hope and Carnage, by Nick Cave and Seán O’Hagan
mft.cc/bk/0374607370
-Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up, by James Hollis
mft.cc/bk/1592402070
-Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche, by Robert A. Johnson
mft.cc/bk/0062507540
-Leading with a Limp: Take Full Advantage of Your Most Powerful Weakness, by Dan B. Allender
mft.cc/bk/1578569524
-Leading with a Limp Workbook: Discover How to Turn Your Struggles into Strengths, by Dan B. Allender and Matthew D. Baugher
mft.cc/bk/1578569532
-A Monster Calls: Inspired by an idea from Siobhan Dowd, by Patrick Ness
mft.cc/bk/0763660655
-Are Christians Human: An Exploration of True Spirituality, by Nigel M. De S. Cameron
mft.cc/bk/0310516110
-The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves, by Curt Thompson
mft.cc/bk/0830844333
Resources, Books, Quizzes, etc.:
mft.cc/resources
If you are in need of a counselor I've written a guide to assist you in choosing a counselor and evaluating if they are a good fit for you:
mft.cc/choosecounselor
*Affiliate Disclosure: When you buy through links to Amazon, etc. provided here (or on my website) I may receive a commission on your purchase (at no cost to you).
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#AskSeanSlevin #safety #safe #emotions #personalresponsibility #past #pain #boundaries #healingjourney #AskSeanSlevinTherapist #AskSeanSlevinCounselor