Before You Call Someone Toxic, Watch This. | Mel Robbins
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- Опубліковано 8 вер 2020
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It seems like every other post on Instagram these days is about ridding your life of toxic people. That’s easy to do with some stranger online, it’s not so simple to unfriend someone in real life. And before you are tempted to, watch this video.
It’s easy to call someone toxic. But it’s not the person who's toxic, it’s their BEHAVIOR that’s toxic. Just hear me out… Everyone has negative qualities. And everyone is capable of acting in ways that are toxic to other people. And here’s the kicker: Most of us don’t know when we’re acting toxic because NO ONE TELLS US. That’s why we keep doing it.
What makes another person’s behavior toxic is when it crosses YOUR boundary. That’s why someone who is acting toxic is an amazing teacher. Their behavior triggers YOU. If they are your friend or your family member, it’s your responsibility to say something. If you just keep ignoring them, staying silent, or ghost them - because that’s easier - guess who’s now acting toxic too…
The next time you are triggered, it is an opportunity for YOU to grow.
Step #1: Notice that their behavior crossed YOUR boundary.
Step #2: Say something! Don’t point to their behavior, explain YOUR boundary.
Something like, “I feel used when you borrow my stuff without asking.” “I am not comfortable talking politics with you.” “My weight (my love life, my job, my race, my sexuality, my finances) is not something I am willing to discuss with you.” Focus on your boundary.
Step #3: Go deeper - What triggers you exactly and what are you making it mean about YOU? Maybe there’s something that you need to heal? Maybe there’s a pattern of thinking that you need to update?
You’re going to bump into a lot of jerks in your life that don’t bother you at all. So if you’re triggered, it is trying to teach you something. What happens to the friendship is beside the point. It says more about you, your growth, and who you are as a friend by choosing to check in with yourself and them, before you unfriend.
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"Toxic" is starting to lose it's meaning. When I hear someone talking about "toxic" people these days, they're probably talking about people who have different opinions, make different life choices, or hold them accountable for their actions and their statements.
The importance of self reflection in difficult relationships is important, but not all situations can have a happy ending.
Yes 😵💔😪
💯❤️
I cut ties with my mother 10 years ago. She is toxic, manipulating and has narcissistic tendencies. It was completely the right decision for me with regards to my own mental health.
Rachel Gully,So sad to hear that your Mom is that way!
Me too...since 2010
My only question with instances like this is if you know she's all these things why can't you be around her when you know what to expect. For example my sister is a spoiled brat, who thinks the world revolves around her. It could be annoying but I know that about her so when she's around I humble myself and let the world revolve around her... as long as a person isn't physically harming you I think you should try to let love cover the bull. There's so many things that happen to people that we aren't aware of. God knows what your mom grew up around to make her that way.
Good on you. 👏👏 Sometimes we have to let some people go. Even if it is a family member. Some people can truly drain your energy. I just called them "mental vampire".
Good in you. I’m still dealing with her.
Have to be careful with this one bc everyone’s situation is different. Being “annoyed“ is one thing but flat out and repeated betrayal and smack talk behind ones back is another thing again. THAT is toxic.
Exactly, when abuse is involved I don't think you can grow by remaining in it and letting them violate your boundaries x
She, she forgot to. place the contrasts and dfferences.
She said it's OK to unfriend family backstabbers, etc. But, every case is a bit different and the consequences of our action/ inaction need to be considered.
Exactly! This is what it really means to be toxic. Abusing ppl is completely different from annoying people. Bullying, threatening your life, fighting, and constant putdowns and lying are all forms of being a truly toxic person.
The truth is everyone has bad days and struggles with so much but nobody is willing to talk or listen to any of that...everyone is stuck in their sunshines and rainbows and the minute you snap someone into reality you're labeled as "negative" or "toxic".
@@MagickalMermaid Thats so true- if I snap Spotlights on me like what’s the matter with you it’s like their idea of emotionally controlling someone else simply through words its a trap
And sometimes, you DO have to unfriend in real life when you DO point out the behavior and they keep doing it. My peace is way more important than a friend who does not respect the friendship after trying to communicate with them.
Bam! Precisely.
that happened in my life I kindly pointed out their offensive behavior over and over till I had enuff and walked
@@gaylynnsamson5569 I've done the same. After a while it's just not worth the energy it takes.
This.
Honest question. Was friends with someone and I spoke how I keep kindness around me because I grew up with abuse and I won’t be cursed at or belittled (getting mad is one thing but personally attacking is another) and then one day she “didn’t feel good and was stressed” and cussed at me multiple times and wouldn’t let me drive when it wasn’t medically safe for her to and I was terrified. when I brought up that she hurt me and She knows I’m not ok with what she did and the only time she said the word sorry was 10 mins after by walking up hugging me without my consent and said it and walked away without me being able to respond and when I wanted to talk about it after that when she pretended like nothing happened she attacked me in numerous ways because I brought it up. That’s valid to cut off right?
I feel like we shouldn’t only talk about how to deal with „toxic“ people but we should also look at ourselves and try to be less toxic because it isn’t always the other person, sometimes we are the toxic one.
i do agree with you -Sometimes the So Called Toxic person is our Reflection
100% agree.
Take guts to accept it. And a lot of awareness to peep in ourselves in the first place
agreed!
What if i am not toxic at all?
Sometimes cutting someone out is the best way. A sad reality, however I always try to self-reflect on my own behaviors to see what I’m doing wrong. Sometimes ur biggest mistake is tolerating toxicity. I know it was for me.
I stopped talking to my sisters and brothers for more than 10 years because they were not my friends but constantly lord over me and told me how I don’t mount up to anything. During the years alone I felt so happy and improved myself. Now we talked again and they realised how much I have transformed and they respect me. Sometimes we just have to walk away.
I wish I had your strenght..
Don’t stay where you are not wanted in the name of you don’t want to be alone,being in the circle of toxic people can be killing you gradually
People that you spend time with will surely make or break you...
However, if you never get anything back it's time to let go.
Generally people become toxic when they didn't get what they expect from people......
I got a good piece of advice from my therapist once: before you say something ask yourself 1. Is it true? 2. Is it necessary? 3. Is it kind? Good thing to remember
M.C. Blackwell I love this one x
but some people just want so much? trying to use people to the ground and you say no and they become toxic
@@M.C.Blackwell the most people are doing this afterwards...
@@M.C.Blackwell how did you get to practice yourself this?or did you any get any good result on the same?
This pandemic changed my life. I lost my job, I was lost, then I started this UA-cam channel and I'm slowly growing. And it totally changed my life already. If you're watching this, you'll get there at the top one day. Don't give up.
I am a producer. Thanks for the hope. How much are you making and what is your channel about.
Good for you. Hope God bless you 🙏
Wow. This is an amazing message, Mel. I’ve struggled so much with toxic people, and it causes me so much distress and depression that I don’t even understand why. It’s good to take a step back and reflect, this way you build a better and stronger character.
This message could be dangerous advice to someone who is being manipulated and abused in a relationship.
Someone being abused usually isn't aware they are. They usually carry the blame and shame of the relationship's troubles. They are confused and vulnerable. Encouraging them to fight further for the relationship or to "self reflect"..only keeps them in the cycle of the abuse.
thank you.
@@ute3349 its crazy because even if you know , those kind of videos can easily retriggers you wondering if you did the right thing
I totally agree
Wonderful Mel 🙌. The phrase ‘toxic person’ is being branded about constantly these days. It’s too easy to hit the ‘block’ button rather than giving it some thought and turning the attention onto ourselves. I spoke up in a workshop that had booklets labelling people ‘energy vampires’ etc. Friendships are not easy to come by and our friends may be going through hard times and in need of support rather than rejection.
Hey Mel, I wanted to thank you for making a video like this. You're 100% right. Everyone and their mother is talking about how we need to cut people out of our lives as if a human life is something we could so easily cancel. Where is the love in that?. My respect for you has just gone through the roof. Once again you deliver the truth in spectacular clarity
Wow! Straightforward and honest.
Found this by accident while scrolling, bored in hospital with a MS relapse, and am so glad I did!
This topic has been on my find for the past month. Bless you.
Sometimes “unfriend” isn’t possible, especially when that person comes in a package with someone you do care about and want to have a relationship with. At that point it’ll come down to minimising their negative impact
Set boundaries...it will sometimes require you to do the unthinkable like stand up for yourself and speak out more vs. keeping shit in.
Omg I've been waiting for someone to address this the right way🙏 the toxicity may not be the other person but a bad situation!
What if that it repeats even if there is no situation, then, what should we do?
My name is Amol, from India. And in my experience, people becomes toxic towards you when 1. You are making progress, going ahead in life, earning more. 2. When you are below them financially at beginning but now going ahead of them. 3. You are not giving attention to them they deserve (because they are self-pity). 4. You are not gossiping with them about other people. 5. You are making new friends. 6. You dont allow them to make fun of you. 7. They never heard about "mind your own business" and your life has become their life now. 8. You are not picking their calls in 5 seconds (cause you are busy in household work) 9. Their life sucks. 10. And last but not the least, they prefer sugarcoated lie instead of unpleasant truth.
Love this message! I never felt comfortable just cutting off family and friends. So important to examine our thoughts and feelings and learn from why we feel the way that we do and learn to be more empathetic.
Omg!!! Thank you for this. This is what I've exerperienced since this toxic stuff was flung. The funniest part is, they're usually toxic aiming at those that have their own opinions, and calling those strong minded or opinionated toxic. Just because they want it all their way or the highway. Thank you.
Everyone we meet in life will either be a Blessing or a Lesson 🖖
Thats very meaningful.
Hmm, I seem to have about 20% blessings and 80% lessons....
I took all classes twice, believe me , now i want the blessing
My dad always said....”people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
I usually listen to you and think and feel "yeaahh, she is suuuch a smart and lovely woman". Thank you for you egsistance and you job Mel !! Love.
Agree with this to a certain point, but there exists different levels of toxicity; from mildly toxic, to some people that are so toxic (eg. full blown narcissists/ sociopaths) that it can be to the point of them being dangerous. If someone is mildly annoying, but I know they have a good heart, I will keep them in my life, but if they are cruel, abusive, mean, or continually push over my boundaries, then I will distance myself from them; my emotional well being is worth too much.
black cats good or bad omen according to you?^^
@@Noemie291 Black cats are awesome....an absolutely good omen
@@psychicdevelopmentexercise cool :) one crossed my path but was kind of afraid of me when I tend my hand to caress him ahah
I agree with you completely. If someone is intentionally hurtful towards you because that is what they need to feel good about themselves, that goes beyond annoying. We all have quirks and flaws. That is annoying but often many things are tolerable and we should have patience for one another. Cruelty should not be tolerated or overlooked. It’s a burning house--get out!
Yes! It is important to address the situation directly. It's very easy to make assumptions, but we never really no what is going on behind closed doors. Getting to the root of the problem and looking within is key. This video is invaluable!
Yes well said.
Juan Seaforth 🙏♥️
It’s worth trying to figure out what the real problem is. 9/10, it can be sorted and true, it’s a learning curve. But... when you the situation doesn’t change... move on.
Its a fantastic and a responsible advice Mel. I loved it. In today's world people are so triggered by their own emotions and boundaries that everything that comes for their good they take it as if it's hitting their weak spot even when it's in good taste. People have learned this word 'toxic person' , 'toxicity' have to be cut out, but what about questioning self if I am really the reason the other person became toxic. I am a firm believer that good person are understood may be a little late, but they are understood.
This was powerful. As one who has been purging toxicity for a while now, I can really appreciate this. I have come to think of it in terms of toxic connections.
deborah williford,you are too precious 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🥀 to be with a narc 🙄!
Spot on as always Mel! I check in and I rarely unfriend or block etc. However, if I find I’m always the one checking in, I distance myself/step back. No drama. Just, ok, I see what this is and I’m only going to want what wants me. I’m only going to pursue what pursues me. It’s hard to do but it’s the only way I’ve found peace with it...
I can really relate to what you are saying. BOTH people need to be invested in a relationship for that relationship to weather a difficult time and repair damage or mistrust. It can’t just be one side doing all the heavy lifting. If both sides don’t feel value in one another, it is sometimes better to move on, hopefully not with anger or resentment but just the final acknowledgment that something that didn’t feel right, sometimes for years or decades, wasn’t right. Sometimes our own self awareness and the better we come to understand ourselves can make it hard to pretend anymore. You can try and try to discuss something with someone and it’s just not going to make a dent. Some people are not reflective about themselves. Stop beating the dead horse. I think in our hearts we know when it’s time to wish them well and move on.
Just had this moment yesterday when I realized how subconsciously ungrateful I was during this pandemic. I hated this, I hated that, but when I got reminded how other people live nowadays, I still have a better situation. No, I'm not taking other people's sufferings as a way to feel good, it just brings a better perspective.
I admitted to myself I was a complainer (the toxic one) and it was also hard to accept that. Self-shaming came in, it was uncomfortable, but then I said to myself "This is the time I should realize this, it's okay and now I'm aware, I will do better." It calmed me down.
The time we are in is different, people are more bothered, need jobs, food on the table, their life back. For those who still have resources, be grateful, and do your best to help others by not complaining, but be a part of the solution.
Mel, if you read comments, I just want to say, PLEASE do more videos on this topic! The struggle is real! In regard to whether or not someone is toxic, I am inclined to judge that based on patterns. We all have days when we may act toxic, and for SURE, we all need some extra kindness from our friends on our bad days. But whether someone deserves to be labeled as toxic has to do with whether it is a pattern you see repeatedly with them. It really takes alot of abuse for me to be willing to end a friendship, but when someone is continually disrespectful and manipulative, and I have enough history with the person to the point I've realized there is a long-standing pattern of toxic behavior and not just a rough patch here or there, then I know the problem is not me. I've had a few friendships where I realized that this was the case, and that every time I tried to smooth things over and let something hurtful go, I was only prolonging my own misery because they have a pattern of being toxic. Unfortunately, it takes time to figure out whether certain behavior is someone's pattern or just a rough patch...
Goodness this is so direct, short but POWERFUL! Thank you so much!
Thank you! Being introspective is so important.
Great advice!! Reminded me of a great friend's advice 30 yrs ago: Just about everyone you interact/communicate with reflects something about your past, present or future/potential self. Those who annoy or anger us most sometimes reflect a past or present quality we're not fond of within ourselves. So, yeah, excellent idea to go within and do a little soul searching about why that person pushes your buttons... no doubt that search will reveal new perspectives/understanding of that person. ☯️🐬☮️
Had a long term friend, been on off over 45 years. This time I know it's gone, no phone call needed. 7 months on I've grown so much, on a spiritual journey. Didn't realize how toxic the relationship had become despite having had conversations about the content. Big weight gone. No guilt. Good advice though re looking at oneself.
I am “so glad” , that SOMEONE FINALLY STEPPED UP , to shed light of a “different perspective “ on this subject. It seems so many people are on the toxic, cut people out of their lives , band wagon. It’s so sad. We all go through highs and lows in life. Everyone is not a narcissistic toxic person. Sometimes people do need a little more at one time or other, or loose their way. Sometimes people experience droughts in their lives. Things can go very wrong for people sometimes that can bring about questionable behavior. Sometimes we need to weather the storms with them. A little, patience, understanding and forgiveness are the true attributes of remembering that we are all just human beings trying to make our way through. None are perfect, especially all of the time. I don’t think this message is in reference to someone who is truly being abused. Abuse should never be tolerated. I think this message hits home to bring awareness that we should be careful how we evaluate people and judge them. Not to be to quick. To realize that there are exceptions to the rule that do require a little more reflection. Everyone’s situation can be different. I think this is an important cautionary bit of advice to help all of us to be more Careful when discerning our relationships. To not only, as she stated, to look at them, but to also look inside ourselves. There are truly those that are clearly messed up an unchanging and you should avoid. However, there are cases that should require a closer look. It all depends on circumstances I guess.
@@merrisss No one is disputing anyone’s right to chose . I’m just saying that I am glad someone is taking a different look at this.
I’ve “checked in” for years now and it’s why I’m still sane. The irony is that the more we grow, the less “old” friends we may have. That is because TRUE friends, who accept you for having boundaries and limits and respect them and stick around. Instead of unfriending (the old friends) or having a toe to toe or ugly showdown, I leave them alone, leaving the door open for their future growth and possible reconnection. One has held a grudge against me for 2 years (by her own admission) and she texted me something ugly, once again, showed her true colors.
It’s worth it to me to keep the door open because it sets a compassionate example for them to learn from, if they want to. So far, that one is stuck.
I have another one who is working on herself and is slowly coming around to better wholeness and it’s a joy to behold. Leading with love, Jesus set the perfect example
This is very good advise. Because our future has been changed by young people just dumping family and friends . It's possible our future will be no family or community. Thanks
Sometimes, it's just time to let that person go. Disagree with the basic message.
💯
She is the best n I have lost words how much to thank her for all the facts she delivers n it has change how many people including me. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for this great advise. I think is important to reflect before taking action, but emotions can sometimes take over. Is a great reminder to press pause before taking any action.
Thanks Mel, I think I needed to hear this today. There's atleast one close family member I need to have a conversation with before the end of the month.
Like many, I have had to drop friends (and extended family) during the course of the last four years. Sadly, we do not share the same basic values... and that has become a deal-breaker. It is incredibly liberating.
It isn't so much of the other person being toxic it's our own denial of not wanting to accept our own bad behavior. ""There's always something going on with Self"!!!! Powerful message
Wow, I'm learning so much from her. I used to try to catch your show when I wasn't working but now that I'm back to work, couldn't watch it anymore. I'm so glad she's out here now.
The timing of this video coming into my life is unreal. Thx Mel
Mel, how do you "unfriend" a parent 😧...?
I don't know what to do with my dad anymore. I think and feel he truly is a manipulative person. And he refuses to change. I've asked him politely a thousand times to stop behaving this way. I'm hurt, my siblings are hurt, but they have to live with him and mum...
That's my predicament, my dad is settled in his ways and behaviors that will hurt my children emotionally. I've already witnessed his actions on a particular topic with a family friend. Now the family friend is no longer part of the family and I'm terrified he will act the same towards my child, his grandson. A lot of hypocrisy that comes in dealing with my dad and I've given him that chance, but it just all turns to I'm going to hell and I won't be saved. (Father is a pastor)
If you know they are all these things why can't you be around them when you know what to expect? For example my sister is a spoiled brat, who thinks the world revolves around her. It could be annoying but I know that about her so when she's around I humble myself and let the world revolve around her... as long as a person isn't physically harming you I think you should try to let love cover the bull. There's so many things that happen to people that we aren't aware of. God knows what your parents grew up around to make them that way.
Without them you literally would not exist. More importantly Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother.
@@vanessabranch1631 If you know they are all these things why can't you be around them when you know what to expect? For example my sister is a spoiled brat, who thinks the world revolves around her. It could be annoying but I know that about her so when she's around I humble myself and let the world revolve around her... as long as a person isn't physically harming you I think you should try to let love cover the bull. There's so many things that happen to people that we aren't aware of. God knows what your parents grew up around to make them that way.
Without them you literally would not exist. More importantly Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother.
Protect your kids of course but don't hate your father.
No contact. I ask you to consider studying narcissistic abuse. If ceasing contact and communication isn't possible.. grey rock technique. Boundaries.. as in learn how to establish and maintain them. My mother is covert narcissistic.. I'm 46, almost 22 years married.. Mom torments my wife and kids, too. It is a tough struggle, and it may be yours, but it's worth the journey, to heal and overcome.
Thank Mel...Robbins.. u are definitely an inspiration.. thank u for ur amazing wisdom..n passing this... useful way...on how to deal with Toxic people..Thank u.. 😊🤗😀
There is also excessive emotion when dealing with a family member.
So appreciate your straight forwardness.
I’ve unfriended my childhood pals... got tired of always being the one reaching out,sometimes without response. When my dad passed away this year, they showed up. I felt like they came because they had to rather than wanting to... I also lost my uncle shortly after and had to put both my dogs down without any concern from them. for me, that was the end. Working on finding new people and avenues. Biggest issue, working 2nd shift... I’m so alone right now. Wife, 2 kids I should be happy to be alive but I’m not. God this sucks right now
Deep that was deep very deep, makes me want to reed the Bible and go even deeper because the resentment of someone goes far deeper than just emotions and triggering, it's very spiritual aswell.
Giving idle response is the best counter to a toxic person during a confrontation. 💜
...and the realization that there is something you need to change in you, in order to break that pattern of toxic relationship/friendship.
That's what I'm working on right now ☺
Mel you are the real deal. Plus I have so much In common with you. My parents owned a business and I work in television. I have toxic people in my life I can’t get rid of easily because they are parents, coworkers and family members.
Thank you so very much for making relevant points!!! As in - It's so obvious when you say it out loud.
Love this, Especially LEAD WITH KINDNESS!! TY, TY,TY!!♥️♥️♥️
Mel: Trigger is always an opportunity to heal something.. That hit hard❤
I don't think toxic people watch this because they don't like criticism, so its usually a person who is on a self development path watching and part of self love is to protect themselves first from people trying to waste their time with unnecessary drama
My life has never been a circle. Whenever I cut a toxic person off, a better friend comes in to my life. I have experienced it!
We don't have to doubt ourselves because we had been treated in a specific way. We don't have to play down to make other people comfortable!
But after all mabe it's because of the society I live in, where people compete for survival. Hello from middle east🖐
Wow thank you so much for this! I stumbled on this by accident, it's making me rethink alot.
I feel this way with everyone of my mother's care taker. We only have 1 at a time. But each one always has something that drive me crazy.
If we do not have weight and heavy lifting on our relational bar, how will we ever have strong relational muscles? Beware of a culture led by those who are promoting self- centredness and scapegoating who ever doesn't align with the expectations. Thanks for this, Mel. Powerful advice.
People call toxic those people who criticise them. That what my opinion on this topic was. I still have a very strong feeling that ppl call toxic those who just have a different opinion and dont stay silent when others do things that hurt. The most toxic ppl are using this phrase to blame others, cuz obviously the one who blames others of being toxic cant be actually the most toxic one. Thx for the video.
Ended a real toxic relationship. He hit me, threatened, was always teasing my weight, if I didn’t behave or dress how he wanted he would tease. I did it all for him invested too much time and myself I would go to him and it was my fault because I allowed it. Finally I was done with him I let him think it was his idea for the break up he called me toxic just cause I didn’t allow him to do as he wished. He still wanted to be friends and for my understanding I know I did a lot and I was kind but I did it all he wanted me around as an option to use cause he does have narcissistic qualities. I firmly believe he should go to jail or worse I pray no one should go through what I’ve been through.
Ohhh my God! This is so true! Actually, I like the idea to reflect on my friendship! Thank you, Mel !
It also depends on the situation and to what degree a person offends or hurts you and vis-versa if done with evil intent or not, etc. Some people are able to forgive and others not. The answer usually lies within you IMO.
I had family members pass and I was grieving... People I thought were my friends suddenly treated me like I was negative even though it was just a few months not a long period of negativity. It was not me I was not negative, they just were not real friends.
I'm sorry you experienced this. I wish more people understood grief.
Thankyou so much for the perfect guidelines! 👏
To heal your triggers is to not take things personally all the time...tell yourself that behaviour which triggers you reflect them not you
Mel, you are awesome. I have learned so much from your videos and pissed that ch-11 extended their news from 4am-11am. Ridiculous to hear that much crap. I loved your show followed up by Maury. I have your podcast on spotify. Thank you so much. 😊
A sincere Thank You, thank you so much❣️
Amazing video, Mel. Was about unfriend someone but break the pattern instead - great advise
I like how you encourage people to try communicating before ending relationships.
Great video! I’ve found I don’t need to cut people out of my life, even the ones who don’t change. I just need to stop giving them the power to trigger me. So much more freedom and peace and it leaves the door open in the future for a great relationship, which has happened.
Laura Hanson,you are too precious 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🥀 to be with a narc 🙄!
I think we (especially me) are all toxic in some way. And I think the reason why we're all toxic is because of how we're not educated or even have enough knowledge to build healthy relationships but also because of the human culture in this world. and the culture passes onto us by turning our behaviors in a traditional way but we have the choice to continue to be that way or become a better person.
When you try & discuss the issues & the person just get mad & nothing changes or they deliberately & defiantly act WORSE ( for MANY YEARS) Since I feel my sanity is line, all I say is
CUT N RUN...
I confronted my roommate that she has been controlling and dominant in places where she shouldn't have been. She inflicted her pain on me and blamed me for being absent as her friend when she pushed me away and was rude to me. I sat down and told her that such behaviour can be toxic to a friendship and it made me distance myself from her. And that it was difficult for me to process things when she acted out on others while suffering from her own emotional baggage and made them feel down during stressful times.
Now she says that I called her toxic and that I don't want to be friends with someone who has emotional baggage
Well, gotta agree that if you're cutting people out of your life simply because they're 'annoying,' then they probably aren't the problem. But, toxic people are not simply 'negative' or 'annoying.' They're destructive. And there's no amount of self reflection you can do that will change them.
I went No Contact with an ex three months ago. Broke up with her back in february. We tried staying friends, but she just kept trying to push my buttons, didn't wanna hear about my problems (while I had to hear all about hers) etc. I cared for her deeply and really wanted her to be happy - but the way she treated me after the break-up, talking about her dating life, sending me confusing near nudes, talking trash about me to my face, I just could be in it. I suspect she was a narcisist, I just realized too late, after a lot of damage had been done to me mentally. Now I am trying to collect all the pieces of myself.
Thank you❣️❣️I really needed that today 🧡
Mel, what sage advice this was! 🙏☀️
And know the difference between a trigger from a past wound and a trigger because someone is not respecting you after you have communicated a need clearly. 🙏
I'm so sick and tired of people giving these "toxic" as people a free pass on life and always telling those that are hurting that you need to keep going the extra mile. When the Fuck will it ever be a good time to walk away from a toxic relationship??? If someone is showing you that they don't care, why should you not listen to your feelings? Are they taking your feelings into consideration when they hurt you? No, so why the hell should you keep trying to make it work?
Positive, hilarious, inspiring... that is the exact opposite of my whole family.
My friendships have changed, but they had to, I respect them but our worlds simply clashed. I have made other friends who share my "you only live once" attitude.
I dont agree. I feel like this needs to be approached with caution. In my situation the toxic person was verbally abusive and neglecting my basic needs. When they start damaging you and taking away your light it’s time to walk away. You can’t be there for someone who abuses you and DOESNT want to change. Put yourself first always.
I'm very rarely the one ending a friendship, but when it is, I almost always try to end on a good note - if not for them, at least for myself.
Dude, real life and internet are same. Behind every name there is a person. even in the internet. It does not hurt that much when a stranger is unfriending you but it still hurts.
This is a great video and message. Really made me reflect and now I see. You are right. Thank you!
Great advice. Thanks Mel.
One thing that really Confused me was being told I was planning the victim every time I cried. So what if it's a family member who you believe is toxic? Okay I'm a very Sensitive cry baby,,but my tears where genuine and I was hurting by being yelled at and Dismissed every time I reached out to call or try and make amends. But it left me second guessing myself and my own motives. I felt very disconnected from my own emotions and feel shame and guilt when I cried. "I heard there you go again always defending yourself "..
What then do you do about a toxic person but Discard and stay away!!
Exactly what I am DOING.
How about calling that person and saying exactly what you said here? When people talk about their own feelings, "I felt hurt when..." instead of accusing someone like "I think you are a terrible person because of this or that that you did to me..." it helps.
@@kayt1898 if they are honestly narcissistic.. that doesn't work. Walking away is often the only solution. I'm speaking from experience, and yes, even family members.
Dear Mel, have you ever heard about narcissism?
If you truly knew about it, you'd be more careful with this type of advice. As a matter of fact ,your advice is great when dealing with decent people. And so this should be stated. This doesn't work with narcissists though. Can you see someone who's suffering narcissistic abuse and dealing with it taking this advice? There are a lot of people like that because there are a lot of narcissists. Do you see how this kind of advice when generalized like that is harmful?
I think the advice also works with narcissistic people.
@Jurgita Yes by experience this advice is actually meant for victims of narcissistic abuse and this makes so much sense when you get to a point in your healing journey where you recognize that the abuse made you so sensitive that you cut off people ( even decent) ones for the least humanly mistake ) . I’m glad I’m currently repairing some relationships I marred in my state of confusion because now I can easily distinguish a toxic/narcissistic people from decent human beings who can also make mistakes just like me.
I’m so sorry if your life has been touched by these evil personalities. It’s very devastating and I wish you well in your quest for healing and peace. 🙏🏾
I agree with you on that comment. 🙏🏽
I agree that we get triggered too but a video like this could make someone feel guilty for decluttering friends and family members that have been verbally abusive towards them. There are a lot of toxic people because we live in a society that encourages narcissism, selfishness, and disrespect. It’s the culture that needs to heal.
Right??
These are the values society encourages. Luke 14:26
“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple." - Jesus
Luke 12:51 "Do you suppose that I came to give peace on earth? I tell you, not at all, but rather division." - Jesus
"He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes." - Buddha
And here are the values society discourages.
"One gains a profoundly personal, selfish joy from the mere existence of the person one loves. It is one’s own personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns and derives from love.
A 'selfless,' 'disinterested' love is a contradiction in terms: it means that one is indifferent to that which one values.
Concern for the welfare of those one loves is a rational part of one’s selfish interests. If a man who is passionately in love with his wife spends a fortune to cure her of a dangerous illness, it would be absurd to claim that he does it as a 'sacrifice' for her sake, not his own, and that it makes no difference to him, personally and selfishly, whether she lives or dies." - Ayn Rand
Now I ask you is selfishness really the problem?
Personally, the people in my life that found ANY chance to call basically EVERYONE they ran into toxic or annoying...they themselves were some of the MOST toxic, shallow, and closed-minded people. Those are the people that lacked empathy compared to everyone around them. Those are the people who others kept getting mad at, not for no reason, but because they wouldn't stop talking sh*t. Those were the people that would ghost or leave or not give a chance to the people that were closest or kindest to them. If someone leaves you cold and you don't understand why or you did nothing wrong, realize that it probably had nothing to do with you. They most likely had too many internal issues they couldn't deal with and also guilt from all the times they hurt you that they didn't wanna admit to. We don't always leave toxic ppl; sometimes they leave us because they can't handle kindness, empathy, and vulnerability. They're basically allergic to those things, until they learn how to introspect and grow as a human being. So let them leave you, and if they choose to come back, don't let them until they've really really really proven they've changed. And if you get the chance, say you're piece while they're leaving in the most rational way possible. Tell them why they hurt you and if they don't answer back or say sorry, leave it at that but know that you did nothing wrong.
Awe Mel, thank you for clarifying what I inherently know. I just am learning how to communicate with the people I love.
I have recently sabotaged myself again, by literally trying so hard to save my relationship with my ex girlfriend, focusing only on her, as and abandoning my mental focus and my purpose in life.
Fixing us (should be fixing me) became my purpose.
All heart, no brain.
Funny, I was the scare crow with her last Halloween costume be party.
Because of a childhood experience age 10 (I was sexually abused by a priest in my family home. He was a weekend guest)
I have been hypervidgilant.
I am 59, post concussion, this head injury has just raised up my hypersensitivity even higher.
I am now finally getting CBT, learning how to think more with my brain, and a little less with my heart.
What motivated this??
I fell in love and started disconnecting from myself, abandoning (survival mode) my self in order to protect myself from what would be rejection...Losing her...
The result?
We broke up a week ago on my birthday.
We we're already on thin ice at that point with still a glimmer of hope, until my emotions pretty much made me escape those uncomfortable feelings at that present moment.
Only to later feel defeated and beaten....
Beaten by myself.
I have work to do.
Thanks for this very much needed information. 5:52
My sons dad just called me toxic. The crazy thing is the thing I lashed out at him about for me asking a very personal question was exactly the reason why I felt he asked it, it wasn’t because he was being genuine it was to hold leverage. I know I have things to work on but it’s really something when someone who is toxic is called you the very thing they are
These terms are like trends! As soon as someone hears them they start using them to death! Toxic, narcissist, stagnant, energy, blah, blah, blah.
Great advice! Thank you.
You are changing lives, Mel Robbins.